The mayor will be giving
a State-of-the-City address within the hour.
Now, I cannot overstate the delicacy of this.
P.C. watchdogs are gonna be out in full force,
particularly after the mayor's little performance this weekend.
Uh, Mike, it was absolutely essential
that the mayor attend that Unity Pride Day.
And by jumping up on that stage and performing with that rap band,
he showed those kids he understood their world.
Carter, don't get me wrong.
I've got nothing against rap music.
I happen to like the rap music,
but whether it's rap, country and western, or a damn show tune,
the mayor should not be singing any song
called Yo Bitch.
Hey! What happened to you?
Skateboard accident.
Paul, I've seen you dislocate your shoulder
running for an elevator.
Stay off the skateboard.
This little monster from across the street
comes barreling down the sidewalk I'm on, all right?
So I manage to avoid him, right?
But I'm thrown off-balance
and his kid sister nails me with her big wheel.
So technically, it's a big wheel accident.
Yo, Paul, those things come standard equipped with the little hand brakes,
so if I were you I'd be asking myself,
"Was it really an accident?"
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(PARROT SQUAWKS)
Looking back at the past 12 months I've been in office,
I can point with pride to the many accomplishments
of my administration.
Crime is down.
You are now less likely to be murdered
or violently assaulted on the streets of this city...
than at any other time
in the past 20 years.
At the same time...
we are experiencing a cultural renaissance.
Once again, New York is a mecca
for filmmakers, musicians,
writers, and television producers.
(SNIFFS)
And, uh...
this, uh... This both contributes to our tax base
and attracts thousands of visitors
to our city each year.
Now, if it wasn't for...
Dude, I said I was sorry.
You think this...
means "I'm sorry"?
This was a State-of the-City address
seen by millions of New Yorkers,
and do you know what our message was?
Crime is down, jobs are up,
and the mayor hates deaf people.
Back off, pal. I'm just a temp.
Ha! Just a temp.
And you! Where did you find this guy?
Temp agency.
Paul, I'm thinking of having you replaced with a monkey.
So! Why did the agency send you over, anyway?
His resume said he knew sign language.
He lied on his resume, Mike?
(SARCASTICALLY) It would appear so.
You guys telling me you never lied on your resume before?
Nope. No.
Not a chance. STUART: Not me.
PAUL: Nope. Not me, either.
Uh, I'm still gonna get paid for today, right?
(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, yeah. The "check" is, uh, "in the mail."
So, what exactly is the purpose of this meeting?
Sarah Edelman is coming by.
She's the director of the New York Coalition for the Hearing Impaired.
I'm trying to make an overture to the deaf community.
She's deaf?
Yeah, Paul. Makes for a better overture.
So how come Stuart gets to go and I don't?
Because we're trying to actually accomplish something.
Because Stuart knows sign language.
You just worry about getting better.
Claudia staying at your place?
Is she taking good care of you?
Ho ho ho! Is she ever.
I have two words for you gentlemen...
Sponge bath.
STUART: You know what Claudia's doing, Paul?
What? She's nesting.
Nesting?
MIKE: That's right, Paul.
Next thing you know, her earrings are gonna be on your night stand,
her toothbrush will be in your medicine cabinet,
and she'll show up at your door with a bunch of twigs in her beak.
Oh, wow. That could only mean one thing...
Claudia wants to lay her eggs in my apartment.
Oh, she'll lay them in your apartment,
but they're gonna hatch in a house
you can't afford on Long Island.
Good night.
We would like to convey our sincerest apologies
for the events that took place this morning.
Can't she understand me?
Yes. She understands.
Gee, Stu, how'd you ever pick that up?
Well, that was easy. Thanks for coming up.
It's always nice dealing with somebody
who is so understanding.
No, she understands you because she reads lips.
She does not, however,
understand how this administration
thinks it can get away
with a simple, empty, insincere apology.
Because it's always worked before? (LAUGHS)
(MAYOR LAUGHING)
Yeah... Okay, Mike.
I think I've warmed her up.
Why don't you bring this one home?
Nice meeting you, ma'am.
Uh, please.
Ms. Edelman...
Uh, may I call you Sarah?
Go for it.
Sarah, we're well aware that words alone
cannot undo the hurt and... And pain
that we've inflicted upon these most valued members
of our community.
What'd she say?
Can you believe this?
Followed by an expletive referring to cow dung.
Okay.
Sarah, uh, I'm gonna level with you.
We screwed up,
and... And I don't have a good excuse ready.
She appreciates your candor,
but she thinks that anything less than a public apology
would be viewed by the hearing impaired community
as a slap in the face.
You got it.
And if it makes you feel any better,
feel free to slap Stuart in the face.
No. That's not funny.
If I can add on a personal note,
it's always great to reach out to members
of the hearing impaired community,
though may I add, in this case
it's particularly great.
She says that politicians are always trying
to charm her, but in this case
it's particularly annoying.
Charming.
It's particularly charming.
Aren't our resumes supposed to be kept confidential?
Why, Mr. Heywood? You have something to hide?
No. (STUART CHUCKLES)
When were you a clerk for the United Nations?
Hmm?
Oh! That.
Um, actually, it was the Model United Nations,
you know, in high school.
Oh! It was a very big deal.
Paul, between your junior and senior years
you ran a re-election campaign
for Sheik Taranchi of Jordan?
That is correct. Uh-huh.
Jordan's a monarchy.
They don't have elections.
It was a grassroots movement.
Janelle, when do you know you have to go to the dentist?
You got a little toothache there?
Yeah. I was... I was chewing on my pen, on the end of it,
and I think I cracked my molar right in half.
Ahhh.
I'll make an appointment. Ahhh.
Ah, Nikki, you got aspirin?
Yeah, I do.
I can't believe the way you people
lie on your resumes.
Really? When was the last time you typed
110 words per minute?
Probably the same day you spoke conversational Farsi.
Look at this...
James Leonard Hobert III claims he can tap dance.
(SOUND OF TAP DANCING)
Were you considered cool in Wisconsin?
If you're looking for your remotes,
I used my glue gun to put a strip of Velcro on each one
and mounted them to the side of the TV.
(CHUCKLING)
You know, I never used to have trouble finding my things.
What does that mean?
Nothing, nothing.
I'm just pointing out that before you cleaned my apartment
I knew where everything was and you had to ask.
Now you know where everything is and I have to ask.
Come on, Paulie. This place was a mess before I cleaned it up.
You know, I found a half cream cheese sandwich...
Underneath the sofa on top of the magazines.
I know... I know exactly where it was. I put it there.
It's... It's gone now!
(STAMMERS) I've... I gotta shower.
Honey, let me help you.
No, no, no, no, no. I... I can bathe myself.
Anything I can't reach I'll just use my loofa on a stick.
Okay. Well, be careful.
Remember what the doctor said about getting your cast wet.
PAUL: I remember. I remember.
Oh, and watch out for my bird.
I hung him in your shower.
What?
(PARROT SCREECHING) PAUL: Ahhh!
(CRASH)
Hiya, Mike. Back from the dentist?
Oh, this?
Bird in the shower.
Broke all five toes in my foot.
MIKE: I can't believe this guy is my press secretary.
You know, when I had my wisdom teeth out
I was in bed for three days,
and I had put it off,
so by the time I got it the roots had twisted
around and around and around...
MIKE: Shut up.
Shut up, shut up.
The apology press conference. It's all set up.
And I personally invited a hearing impaired reporter to cover it.
Charming fellow.
MIKE: All this Novocain is supposed to shield me from the pain,
and yet I still hear him.
There he is! Hiya, Tim!
(HEARING IMPAIRED INTONATION) Thank you for having me here, Mr. Flaherty.
(MUFFLED) Thank you for coming.
(INTONATION) What are you saying?
(MUFFLED) What do you mean, what am I saying?
(INTONATION) Are you making fun of me?
No, I'm just trying to tell you
that I'm sensitive
to the needs... Feelings of the deaf community.
MIKE: Oh, no.
Stuart, damage report.
Engine number 4 is in flames, and we're losing altitude fast.
Needless to say, we're suspending beverage services
in the main cabin.
Nikki, damage report.
Apparently, Ms. Edelman has quite a bit of clout.
She's already organized a demonstration for tomorrow
outside of city hall.
She's gotten support from every special interest group
that has hearing impaired constituents.
Check out this list, Mike. They're all showing up.
Hey! Gay and Lesbian Liberation Union.
That's me! That's me.
Uh, Mike, can I have tomorrow morning off?
So let me just assure you
that in the future our screening process for interpreters
will be much more thorough.
For starters, we're gonna just go ahead and throw in
all the applicants who don't actually know sign language.
As for yesterday afternoon,
I think any of you who have had major dental surgery
can appreciate what I was going through.
Mr. Mayor, will there be a formal reprimand
of your deputy mayor?
This man did nothing wrong.
I mean, have we finally reached a point
where anything can be taken out of context
and cause a politically correct house of cards
to come tumbling down?
You know, it's like that interview I did last year
I caught all that flack for.
What was it that I referred to the Latino community as?
Um... (CLEARS THROAT)
Lateenies, sir.
Paul, you should see Chester.
His feathers are ruffled, his beak's quivering.
He's been in attack position all day.
You really spooked him.
I spooked him?
Jeez, that thing practically tore my face off.
I kept waiting for Alfred Hitchcock to yell "cut."
Okay, sour puss. I'll make this quick.
I'm gonna stop by the store on my way home.
Do you want me to pick up some more
of those pudding packs you like?
No.
No pudding packs?
No.
For God's sake, Paul. What's wrong?
Claudia, I'm 35 years old.
I've been living on my own for almost four years now.
What are you saying, Paul?
I'm set in my ways.
I'm not used to having people
hanging their pets in my shower,
or their... Their clothes in my closet
or their feminine accessories all over my sink.
My moisturizer?
This morning, you know, I mistook it for my toothpaste.
Now everything I eat tastes like your neck.
I think I understand, Paul. I'll see you tonight.
Neck.
âªâª O'er the land
âªâª Of the free
âªâª Hee!
âªâª And the home...âªâª
(SLAMS PIANO KEYS)
Okay. Fine. Piano, three octave range.
Check.
All this proves is that you were
a lonely, geeky kid.
You know what, Stuart? I wasn't lonely.
I had my music.
You know, I gotta agree with the mayor on this.
This P.C. thing is just way out of control.
I'm with Mike.
You know, Stu, I know you're being supportive,
but when you do that, it just makes me doubt myself.
If we have to apologize every time
we unintentionally offend somebody, where does that end?
If I'm walking down the street and I'm singing
Girls Just Want To Have Fun,
as I often do,
should I apologize for suggesting
that guys just want to work?
No, but you would have to apologize
for using the term girls instead of women.
There you go, right there.
When does a girl become a woman?
One day with me.
Stu, I'm begging you. Jump to the other side.
Give me a break, Mike. We're a dying breed.
Who's looking out for the white,
middle class, heterosexual male?
Congress.
You know, Sarah, when you told me
not to bring Stuart because your friends knew sign language...
silly me, I took that to mean
they'd be able to interpret for me.
Thank you.
Okay. Don't worry about me. I'll just entertain myself.
âªâª Oh, girls just wanna have fun
âªâª That's all they really want
âªâª Oh, girls just wanna have fun
(FALSETTO VOICE) âªâª That's all they really want
âªâª Some fun
âªâª Come home in the middle of the night
âªâª My mama says "What you gonna do with your life?"
âªâª Oh, mama dear we're not the fortunate ones
âªâª 'Cause girls just wanna have fun
âªâª Oh, girls just wanna have fun
(FALSETTO) âªâª That's all they really wantâªâª
You know what?
We should probably talk about
this demonstration you're planning.
What? What'd I do now?
All right, I get what's going on here.
This is... This is very clever.
You're a... You're teaching me a lesson
about what it's like to be excluded.
Well, not only do I not need that lesson,
I don't deserve that lesson, all right?
So, good night. Enjoy your dinner.
Wait, Mike. Don't go.
You can speak.
(SARCASTICALLY) No. You're hearing things.
Okay. Here are your remotes...
TV...
VCR,
cable box,
stereo,
and garage door opener.
Where are you going?
Home. But not to worry.
I put all your dirty laundry back on your floor,
I sprayed a ring of filth around your tub,
and I even made you a half a cream cheese sandwich
and put it where I knew you'd find it.
It was nice getting to know you, Paul.
I hope you find true happiness someday.
Goodbye. Goodbye?
PARROT: Goodbye, Paul!
Claudia!
Ow... Ooh!
Claudia, Claudia, come back.
Come back, Claudia. Please.
Please don't leave me!
Claudia, please! I'm getting rug burns!
Claudia! I love you!
Oh, Claudia. Oh, please, please!
The apartment seems so empty without you.
You mean it, Paulie?
Nah, it started out rough,
but I gotta tell you, Sarah and I are having a great time.
(WHISPERS) Yeah. Oh, listen, I gotta go. Here she comes. Bye.
You don't have to whisper, Mike.
Sorry.
Wait a minute... How did you know I was whispering?
You make a funny face.
You know what's great about this?
I don't often get the opportunity
to meet someone like you,
and... And if I hadn't, I wouldn't have known
that you're such a beautiful, charming, intelligent woman.
Say that again.
Oh! I'm sorry.
I was just saying you're a beautiful,
charming, intelligent woman.
I understood you.
I wanted to hear it again.
Suppose I wanted to take you out for dinner.
How long would it take me to learn sign language?
I don't know, uh, about a year.
How about lunch?
If you don't talk with your mouth full,
you'll be fine.
You know, I hate to do this,
but it's... It's getting late.
We'd better talk about work.
Go ahead.
Okay. You... You know what I think?
I think you knew that our administration had no bad intentions
towards your organization.
You were just being incredibly opportunistic to further your own cause.
So?
So I think you have to make a choice.
You can either trust me when I say
that this mayor is good for your organization,
and while I can't make any promises,
we want to work on issues that matter to you,
or you can have your demonstration,
draw your battle lines, and take your chances.
You want me to trust you?
Will you look at this face?
You want me to make a decision right now?
Uh, no. We... We... We...
We can finish our coffee.
New York is one of the most progressive cities in the world
when it comes to the rights of the hearing impaired.
But be assured we will not be resting on our laurels.
We understand your concerns,
and I'm sure our response is coming in loud and clear.
Now I don't literally mean loud and clear.
What I means is...
I know what you mean.
Thank you for your understanding.
Uh...
This means horny.
Beep.
Okay. Well.
This means horny.
I'll make a note of that.
(STUART LAUGHING)
Time!
Twenty seconds. A new record.
Ah. You don't know how many women have said that to me!
All right, Bondek, outta the chair. Outta the chair.
Mike, I gotta go to the bathroom. I need the chair back.
You're gonna have to hold it for no more than, what? Twenty seconds.
On your mark... Get set...
Hold on, Mike, please? Go!
And he's off! Flaherty looks strong.
Coming up to the first turn!
Whoa! He negotiates it with ease! Look out, pal.
Hey, good-looking! How you doing?
And around we go!
Look out, people. Mike Flaherty, king of the wheelchairs!
Looking good as he goes into the final stretch
on his way... to...
victory.
You know, I'm wondering, why do you have the college
that you graduated from,
but not whether you got a B.A. or a B.S.?
I didn't? Let me write that in.
Why don't you put down B.S.?
'Cause you didn't graduate from college, did you?
No, I did. I did! I was there for four years.
Who's gonna stay a fifth for two lousy gym credits?
Certainly not the guy who's gonna buy us beer
for the rest of the night. Ahhh!
Well, that was a treat.
Well, I do what I can. Why is there no music?
Hmm. Jukebox is broken.
Say, sport, is that gonna be much longer?
Hey, don't ask me, man.
I have no idea what I'm doing.