I know I've said it before but, this time, I really mean it.
We don't have time for any more questions.
Yes, you in the back.
This is regarding Mayor Winston and Holly Cohen
from the governor's office.
They work together, yes.
They were seen last night at a restaurant
eating oysters with an expensive bottle of Cabernet.
Do you think Mrs. Winston would approve of this?
Absolutely not.
No, she would never order red wine with seafood. No.
How do you respond to the rumors
that the mayor is romantically involved with Ms. Cohen?
How do I respond?
Excuse me.
Excuse me, Hamlet.
I cannot believe what I'm hearing.
So, you actually spied on the mayor during dinner.
So, what's the scoop?
What, did the mayor have parmesan cheese on his pasta?
Did he have cream in his coffee?
And if not, what the hell is he hiding?
But, Mike...
No, this is pathetic.
The mayor is a happily married man,
and you have no story.
Nothing, zip, nada, the big bagel.
Which, coincidentally, is what the mayor had for breakfast.
No cream cheese,
but you probably already guessed that.
They can be like dogs, Mike.
Bad reporters! Bad! Bad reporters!
Here you go, champ.
Good, Paul.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
ALL: Happy birthday, Mayor Winston,
from all of us at Monday Night Football.
You're the boss, Mayor.
Yeah. Don't let anybody push you around.
And this is your year, big guy.
Don't take any crap. Yeah.
(TURNS OFF TV)
I'm telling you, whoever came up with this idea
of having celebrities wish the mayor happy birthday
is a genius.
Mike, you thought of it.
Oh, my gosh, you're right.
So, we're going to still go through with the party,
even with all this stuff
about the mayor's love life floating around?
We want the governor to give us a bigger piece
of the federal subsidy for special education programs,
so the mayor and Nikki, yes, Nikki,
are working with Ms. Cohen,
yes, working with her,
in order to make that happen.
End of story.
Actually, Mike, once we finished streamlining
the existing special ed budget,
the mayor kind of took me out of the loop.
Apparently, he wanted to be
more hands-on with the project.
It's the mayor's 50th birthday,
and we're not going to dignify the press's sleazy tabloid mentality
by changing the way we do things around here.
Nikki, I see you sent John F. Kennedy Jr. an invite.
Yeah, if he was on the list, I'm sure he got one.
So, you felt it necessary to send him one
every day for the past three weeks?
I like to be thorough, Mike.
So, you followed it up with a phone call to his apartment
last Saturday at 1:00 a.m.?
Maybe.
Hey, Nik, don't get me wrong, uh,
I like the Kennedy men as much as the next gal,
but let's not use the mayor's birthday
to further our own personal agendas.
Stalker.
Stuart, don't make me bring up
the Connie Chung restraining order.
Okay, guest list, check.
Birthday videos?
Yeah, we're editing those together
as soon as we get Stephanopoulos.
We're playing phone tag.
You're aware of the fact that
in order to play phone tag with somebody,
they have to actually call you back.
I'm telling you, Mike, I know Steph.
We're like this.
Hey, Mike, I've been playing phone tag
with Michelle Pfeiffer and Cindy Crawford.
Oh, yeah, and Santa.
Hey, Mayor Winston...
Happy birthday...
From the cast of Rent.
The cast of Rent, and they just say happy birthday?
I mean, what's the message?
What are we trying to say there?
I think we're trying to say happy birthday.
What the hell's with you?
Let's just throw these things together, so we can get out of here.
I, uh...I don't want to pull rank on you,
but I almost went to film school.
It's interesting. You know, I almost give a...
Ah! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...
Let us try to channel that hostility into the project.
And action.
Happy birthday, Mayor Winston.
I love you, man!
MAN: Great job, Patrick.
Why am I even doing this? I don't even like the guy.
All he talks about is the Yankees.
Yankees this, Yankees that. Get a life!
I'm just going to edit that last part out.
No, no, no. Some honesty.
Finally.
This, I can use.
STUART: Mike, you have to relax.
When I worked for Congressman Malins,
the press printed lots of stories
that said he cheated on his wife.
Yeah, because he did, and the scandal killed his career.
True, but I ended up working here,
and now I make a lot more money.
No, no, no, it's pretty simple.
See, we just take 1.5 million out of operating costs
and reclassify it as transportation expense.
Says right here.
See that? Nothing.
HOLLY: That's the answer?
This is so exciting!
Yeah, I guess so.
What?
Well, nothing, it's just...
You were made to wear that suit.
You're saying I look good, right?
Because nobody forced me to wear this.
I pick out all my own clothes.
Funny, too. Oh...
You've got the whole package.
He wants her. (EXHALES)
George didn't leave my name for you, huh?
I'm not some pathetic groupie, you know. I know the man.
Look at me!
Steph! (HIGH-PITCHED RINGING)
Steph!
What? Oh, hey! Oh, hey, Steph!
Paul, how you doing? Good to see you.
Hey, man, good to see you.
Listen, sorry I'm late.
I'm doing this commentator thing over at ABC now.
Oh, yeah, I wouldn't know about that,
I don't watch that network.
You know, Paul, I really wanted to see you
because we're old friends, but I got to tell you,
I kind of hoped you'd gotten
this competitive stuff behind you.
You're right, because you're you and I'm me,
regardless of the speaker's fees or the book deal...
Come on, Paul. You know, we're both doing well.
So, what do you need?
Well, see, it's the mayor's 50th birthday.
You know, I'm sort of his right-hand man, like you used to be
with, um... What's his... Um...
Bill Clinton?
Clinton. Clinton. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The president?
The president. Whatever. Titles are titles, yeah.
You're doing it again.
You're right. You're right. The party. Okay.
It would really be a great favor to me if you would...
Then I'd love to.
Whatever you need, Paul. You know that.
Really? Sure.
Oh, thank you, man. That's great. Sure.
Listen, Steph, let me just ask you something.
Uh, you still doing that podium thing,
leaning over with the furrowed brow?
Okay, Paul, I got to go.
Yeah, I know, but listen.
Do you still do that "any more questions" thing?
Everyone says that. No. Uh-uh. No, no, no.
Everyone says "any further questions?"
"Any more questions?" That was mine.
You copied that from me.
You're a copycat! Copycat! Copycat!
Paul, you're better than this.
No, I'm not.
Mayor Winston, I just want to take a second here
to wish you a very, very happy birthday.
And, by the way, thank you so much for taking care of those parking tickets.
(LAUGHING)
But the mayor, he's, like, nuts, right?
Sir, I really need to talk to you, just the two of us.
Now this is kind of awkward,
so I don't really even know how to broach the subject.
Ms. Cohen's an interesting woman, Mike.
Well, there you go.
A lot easier than I thought.
She's committed. She's vibrant.
She's very passionate. Don't you think?
Well, she certainly makes my heart skip a beat.
Uh...
Here's the thing.
I know you two are spending so much time together,
uh, because of the work,
but the press... (SIGHS)
They're trying to make something more out of it.
Hell, they're a couple days away from writing
that you two are, uh, are an item.
(FORCED LAUGHING)
I'm 50 years old, Mike, 50.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Am I the man I wanted to be,
or am I just someone
whose decisions have all been made for him?
Well, sir, I think I can safely speak for the both of us...
Yeah?
...when I say that you are exactly the man you wanted to be.
Now, I know this is kind of personal,
but I have to ask.
Am I in love with her, Mike?
Wow.
Okay, I was... I was going to ask,
"Do you have any feelings for her?"
But you seem to have jumped
a couple of rungs on me.
(STAMMERS) So, are you, uh...
Sir, are you, uh,
in love with her?
Maybe. I love the way she makes me feel.
Okay.
All right, I'm going to recommend,
if anyone asks, uh, that you say, uh, "No comment"
over "Maybe."
Michael...
And by all means, stay away from,
"I just love the way she makes me feel."
Michael, now, Michael, there is the problem right there.
Watching what I say, what I do...
Everything has to be so careful.
And then I go home to Helen.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
We love each other,
But in a comfortable, relaxed,
watching-the-evening- news-in-separate-rooms kind of way.
I'm a man, not just a mayor,
And Holly finds me exciting,
And I really... Really need that.
(SIGHS)
I find you exciting, sir.
I wanna feel alive! I wanna...
I want to be like those guys walking that tightrope
between two cliffs with no net!
I don't want to discourage you,
but most of those guys end up a bloody mess on the side of the rocks.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
We did it.
The governor approved every section of the proposal!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh. Mmm...
Whoa! Ho!
Whoa. That's exciting.
Yee-ha.
What is taking him so long?
The guy's going to be late for his own party.
It's a big night for him, Mike.
All those VIPs will be there, his coworkers,
the woman he loves, his wife...
What are you doing in the limo?
Seriously, shouldn't you be
in the back of the catering truck?
What? I'm just telling it how it is.
Tonight is about what isn't.
There isn't anything going on between the mayor and Holly.
The press isn't going to be snooping around for a story,
and my life isn't going to fall apart.
Mike, that is classic denial.
No, it isn't.
The mayor is just confused,
and he needs some time for his head to catch up with his heart.
HELEN: Thank you.
Mike.
Other worker.
Uh, pour me a drink, please.
Boy, you look lovely tonight, ma'am.
And ready before your husband.
Strike another small blow for feminism.
(CHUCKLES) He's already in another car
with that woman from the governor's office.
Something about finishing up some business.
(CHUCKLES)
Excuse me.
Oh, you're not going anywhere until we discuss
the table arrangements for tonight.
Well, much as I'd love to, ma'am,
because your whole theory of boy, girl, boy, girl is truly inspiring,
but I got to...
Oh! Oh!
What a shame.
I know.
Oh, that's very expensive vodka.
Happy birthday, Mayor Winston.
Since I know you're watching,
how do you respond to the criticism
that your administration is gutting social programs?
No. If I had gotten to work with him,
I know I could have tapped into the real Larry King.
Funny thing about a 50th birthday video
is that it's generally only a good gift on someone's 50th birthday!
Give me that thing. We got to get out of here.
Wait, that thing... You know what, Carter?
If you don't share my artistic vision, fine.
I certainly don't need you here, stifling the creative process.
You're fired!
Yes!
I never knew working on a budget could be so much fun.
You probably never did it with champagne before.
(CHUCKLES) No.
(CLINKS) Ooh!
These last few weeks have been...
I know.
(SIGHS)
So it's been the same for...
It has.
Amazing. We even finish each other's...
Meals?
I was going to say sentences.
Sorry. I haven't eaten since...
Breakfast? There we go, right back on track.
You know, I... (CLICKS TONGUE)
I can't believe I'm acting like this.
If I were to step outside and look at the woman,
I wouldn't believe it was me.
It just feels
so right.
(SIGHS) You know?
I know.
(BRAKES SCREECH)
(TAPPING ON WINDOW)
Hi. How are you? Whoa!
I hope you don't mind. My limo's just a two-seater.
(PANTING)
Mike, we're almost two miles from the mansion.
How did you catch us?
Actually, sir, it's only a mile as the crow flies.
I would have caught you on the other side of the park,
but Mario Andretti up there ran a couple of red lights.
Whoo, boy!
Well, how we doing in here?
Hey, Mayor Winston, it's me, Rosie O'Donnell.
Sorry I couldn't make the big bash, but I got other things to do.
Got to stay home and dye my hair.
Speaking of hair, yours looks nice.
Salt-and-pepper? (CLICKS TONGUE) Cute.
Little John Forsythe thing going on?
I like it. You're a good-looking guy.
You're no Tom Cruise, but then again, who is?
CARTER: So, let me get this straight.
You went to Stephanopoulos' office.
He graciously agreed not only to do a video,
but also to show up here tonight,
and then you beat him up.
We have issues.
Paul, we're friends.
Why don't you just admit you don't know the guy?
But I do!
No, no, I do!
Look. Look. These are his teeth marks, see?
That is so sad. You actually bit yourself.
Please.
Okay. Snapshots of the happy couple.
Very good. We like that.
All right, everybody, huddle up.
Close your eyes. I want to paint you a mental picture.
The mayor's very vulnerable tonight.
There are a lot of reporters here,
and also in attendance is a woman I will refer to simply as "the shark."
Whereas the mayor, the mayor is like an older, slow-moving sea lion.
(IMITATES JACQUES COUSTEAU) I will stay aboard the Calypso
while my assistant Mike dive into the ocean
to join in the life-and-death struggle
between the shark and the noble sea lion.
No. You're going to stay with Holly
and make sure she stays the hell away from the mayor. All right?
Think you can handle that?
If she challenge me,
I shall simply punch her on the snout.
All right. Carter, I want you with Mrs. Winston.
Make sure she doesn't make a scene, huh?
All right.
Nikki, you're going to hang with the mayor.
Suggested topics of conversation
include marriage, commitment, sense of duty.
I'm just going to finish this champagne.
Ooh! And this egg roll. Thank you.
Eh, eh, Paul, eat this.
Hmm. (GROANS) Hot! Hot! Hot!
Wash it down with that. There you go.
Oh, hey, look at you, you're all done. Away you go.
Well, I guess that leaves me free to mingle.
Oh, not so fast, Paul. Your task is as follows.
There's the mayor, there's the press, and you, my friend,
you are the Great Wall of Lassiter.
Hiya, fellas.
Okay, Paul will be your host for the evening.
Me, I just came by to remind you
that this is a party, this is not a press conference, okay?
So, please reserve any offensive, unfounded,
potentially libelous questions until tomorrow,
when I will be happy
to mislead, misdirect, and misinform you
as per our usual arrangement.
That's right. I'm bad!
You know, we've actually never had a divorce in the Faber family.
The occasional tiff,
a couple of separations, and an assault.
That was my great-aunt Edna.
She swears to this day it was an accident.
She was walking across the floor, taking a typewriter to my uncle Ray.
She tripped, stabbed him repeatedly while he was sleeping.
Hey, Mike, Mike, have you seen Ms. Cohen anywhere?
Uh, no, no, I haven't, Your Honor,
but, hey, there's James, and it looks like
he's got your birthday video in his hand.
James.
Mike, I think it's a very powerful and honest piece.
I tried to capture the mayor's... James. James.
I'm just looking to burn a few minutes off this damn party.
No, no, no. I'm sorry, Mike,
I need some time to come to terms with letting this go.
All right, no problem.
There, how's that? Lights!
If you like it, I have a six-hour director's cut.
ALL: Happy... No Tom Cruise, but then again...
Get a life... Life... Life...
How do you respond... I don't even like the guy!
I know you're watching... Watching... Watching...
I just want to take a second here...
Birth... ALL: ...day!
PATRICK EWING: I love you, man!
Why am I doing this?
Yeah, don't let anybody push you around!
Thank you for taking care of those parking tickets.
If you think about it... Mayor...
ALL: Winston... This is your year, big guy.
The administration is gutting...
Send over a piece of cake... Cake... Cake...
Real original.
And don't take any cr-cr-crap.
Yeah.
What?
NIKKI: And my other great-aunt was married for 57 years.
Nikki, why don't I tag in now?
You're just in time. I'm down to my last aunt.
Happy birthday, sir. Thank you.
Thanks for the rescue, Mike.
She's excruciatingly dull.
Well, sir, this thing is winding down.
What say you grab the missus and we head out of here?
I can't leave, Mike.
I promised Holly I'd save the last dance for her.
Oh, yeah. The traditional mayoral dance of death.
Sir, you are aware that all those people over there with cameras
are not tourists?
Bondek, I don't have the patience to ask you again.
Leave me alone, or I'll have you terminated.
You can't fire me.
I meant killed.
You promised you'd save the last dance for me.
Well, I'm more of a rumba man, but let's go.
âªâª Dum dum dum âªâª
âªâª Oh! âªâª
No.
Mr. Mayor.
I'd like to dedicate this next song to the mayor.
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro!
(PLAYING UP-TEMPO LATIN MUSIC)
âªâª Whrrrraah! âªâª
Michael!
âªâª Whrrrraah! âªâª
(MUSIC STOPS)
Bad beat, hard to dance to.
I give it a one. (DRUM STING)
Maestro, please play something slow.
Sorry. He's the boss.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
Uh...Toast! Toast!
Toast, toast, toast.
(GLASS CLINKING)
Uh, we are here to honor a great man
on this, the occasion of his 50th birthday,
and I would like to do that by reading a few passages
from the Bible.
Does anyone, uh,
have one on them?
All right, Michael, that's enough.
You're embarrassing me. Come here.
MIKE: Sir...
I don't care, sir, 'cause this dance, Mr. Mayor...
I know. It's political suicide.
To tell you the truth, I could probably spin this so it wouldn't kill you.
I'm coming to you as a friend.
There are a lot of guys who could do this and feel nothing,
but you're not one of those guys.
You're going to regret this.
You're going to get hurt.
You let me be the judge of that.
Randall,
just don't do this.
Did you just call me Randall?
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Look, I don't have a whole lot in my life I can hold on to,
but I've always respected you
more than anyone I've ever worked with,
more than anyone I ever knew,
and I don't want to lose that,
Randall.
It's my birthday,
and I'm going to at least have one dance.
I'm really sorry.
Would you do this poor old fool the honor of a dance
on his 50th birthday?
Now?
Of course I will.
Nice job!
Talk about your damage control.
Stuart,
everything I said, I meant.
It came from the heart.
Uh-huh. How long you been saving that call-him-Randall thing?
About six months.
Look what just showed up.
Happy birthday, Mr. Mayor.
Oh, and, Paul? Don't worry.
You and I are still friends.
You need help, but we're still friends.
(CHUCKLES)
Nobody here to see it. (LAUGHS) He did it again.
I don't know what the big deal is with that guy, anyway.
Everything he does, he copied from me.