James. Hey.
Mmm. I missed you. How was your Christmas?
Uh, it was good, Nikki.
I missed you, too.
I can't tell you how excited I was
when you asked me out for a drink tonight.
Yeah, well, the others should be here pretty soon.
Uh, the others?
Great.
That way, you know, we don't have to be alone,
just the two of us.
Hey. Hey, hey.
Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Happy New Year.
Hey, guys. How was your Christmas?
Nice.
(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Lots of family.
Mine was perfect.
I gave myself a steak dinner, a case of Heineken,
and a few very special adult videos.
If you were spending the holiday alone, you should have called me.
Oh, my parents were there.
Oh, don't sit there. That's broken.
Oh.
So, I guess Mike's not going to be joining us, huh?
I... I called him a couple of times, left messages.
He's not picking up.
I can't believe Mike and Ashley broke up.
I really thought they were gonna go the distance.
So, does anyone know why they broke up?
I've heard, like, hundreds of different rumors.
Hey, you're in a public position, people are gonna talk.
There's probably not a person in this city
that doesn't know about this.
Happy New Year, guys!
So, did you make any resolutions this year, huh?
Mine is to be less gullible this year.
Did you hear? Mike and Ashley broke up.
(LAUGHING) Oh, come on.
Very good.
Not going to work. Uh-huh. Oh, don't sit there.
That's broken.
Oh, please.
Oh, people, what do you
take me for, huh? ALL: Paul.
(NIKKI SCREAMS)
Mike and Ashley broke up?
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Good morning. Welcome back.
How's everybody doing? NIKKI: Hi, Mike.
STUART: Hi. JAMES: Hey, Mike. How are you?
How are you doing, Mike?
Oh, God. The pity face.
Look, you got to get a message back to girl headquarters.
Let them know guys hate the pity face.
(BOTH EXCLAIM) It's pretty bad.
All right, I take it you all heard that Ashley and I split up.
So, I should probably make a brief statement.
Ashley got offered a terrific job in L.A.
She took it. I supported her.
She left. She's fine. I'm fine. The end.
Press two if you want
this message repeated in Spanish.
What's in the box?
Just some of her stuff. It's, uh... You know,
sweatshirt, four books,
six CDs, picture frame, pair of earrings...
Bra.
That's pathetic.
What? What?
Come on, Mike. It's so obvious.
It's a breakup box.
You could have thrown all that stuff out,
but, no, you had to send it all back,
hoping that each item
dredges up some painful memory.
Yeah.
Especially the bra.
See, it was the first one she gave me.
It was designed to both lift and separate.
Come on. It's her stuff.
I got to send it back to her.
Can we move on, please?
You know, I got dumped once.
No.
No, seriously, I did.
I'd like to point out that this is irrelevant,
seeing as I did not get dumped.
We broke up. It's a giant difference.
It is huge.
Can I tell my story anyway?
All right.
I met this girl in college, all right?
She was a sophomore. I was a freshman.
We dated for three years,
and she just up and left me.
James,
she graduated.
I'm really excited to release these holiday tourism statistics.
Press eats this stuff up like yogurt-covered raisins.
That's an interesting reference.
Hey, you cover anything with yogurt...
(LAUGHS) Count me in.
That attitude can get you in a lot of trouble, Paul.
Oh, you're not really gonna
use those statistics, are you?
'Cause, uh...
'Cause I made them up.
What?
Oh, no. No, Mike.
I could lose my job for this.
I could go to jail.
Jeez, Paul, come on, I thought
you weren't going to be so gullible this year.
Oh, why did I tell you people about my New Year's resolution?
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Why am I here anyway?
I mean, this is routine stuff.
Well, you and Ashley saw
a lot of each other in that room,
and, uh, you know...
Oh, no. So, you're thinking
if I don't go back in there today,
I may never go back?
Yeah.
Come on, Paul.
You've been watching too many soaps.
Let's get this thing over with.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER INSIDE)
What?
I... (SIGHS)
I don't know. I can't go in there.
I can't go in that room.
It's like... (SIGHS)
It's like there's this invisible barrier that
my heart won't let me cross.
Oh, God.
It's too soon, isn't it?
This is gonna be a long year for you, Paul.
Mike, read... Morning, sir.
Read this, please. All right.
Wow. John Tesh is giving a free concert in the park.
No, no.
The next page.
I love John Tesh.
I know you do, sir.
Oh, sir, these are political cartoons.
Yes, but they have gotten very personal, Mike.
You're a public figure. You're gonna get nailed a few times.
Besides, the fact that they choose you to make fun of
could almost be considered flattering.
Oh, really? Well, what about the one here
where I have an ass head?
Well, the donkey has long been a popular political symbol.
No, not a donkey head, Mike.
An ass head.
Oh, my. Well...
It's not very flattering at all, is it, sir?
All right, I'll tell you what, I'll give them a call.
Or we could just hoist you up on the copy machine,
fax them a better likeness.
(CHUCKLING)
Yeah, yes, you're right. Well, listen,
this cartoon isn't the real reason I came in here.
I heard about you and...
Ashley. Yeah.
Yeah, I figured. I'm okay.
If you need any time off or...
I just had some. Oh.
I tell you what, though. I'll take a rain check.
That way, if there's any lingering sadness
in say, like, July, when the weather's really hot...
I'll take a few long weekends.
(LAUGHS)
I don't think so.
Look, sir, I'm not gonna lie to you.
It's not easy to end
a relationship. So, there's nothing I can do.
I'm fine, sir.
CARTER: Heading out? I'm trying to.
And good.
You're taking your little cardboard friend with you.
All right now, Mike.
If you need to talk to anyone later...
(SIGHS) ...I'm gonna be kinda hard
to get a hold of because I've got a date.
I don't think Mike needs to hear about that right now.
In fact, I don't think Mike needs you to be dating, period.
No more dating!
You know, that's a catchy slogan, James.
If we need to lock up the Amish vote,
we can slap that on a buggy sticker.
Uh, point of information, Mike.
Technically, the Amish are not allowed
to decorate their buggies.
How could you possibly know that?
The Amish have a website on the Internet.
You know, normal people
download nudie pictures,
but you hang out on the Amish home page.
They have nudie pictures.
Yeah?
How do you log on?
Am-babe.com.
You know what it's like to feel empty, Clayton?
Feel a big, gaping hole around you wherever you go?
Can I just get my nine bucks?
I mean, look at me, Clayton.
Look at me. This... This isn't who I am.
All right, look. You can give me a ten or a 20. I don't care.
I can make change.
All right, Clayton, come on. Look, have a slice
with me, okay?
Sorry the place is a mess, but...
Here. See? All right? Okay?
We'll hang out. We'll have a beer.
Just two guys. We don't need anybody.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh, hey.
Be a sport and get that for me, would you, Clayton?
I'm looking for Michael Flaherty. MIKE: Oh, hey.
Beerski, friend?
Dude, get out while you can.
I'm... I'm just here for a signature.
I just want nine bucks.
I've been here since noon.
Listen, I just have the paper plates. Is that okay?
Listen, sir, this pizza's on me. See ya.
Well, hey, Clayton. Clayton. Whoa.
Clayton.
You're good people, Clayton.
Guy really understands me.
So...
(DOOR SLAMS)
Gonna be able to hang out for a bit?
Uh, you have a package going
to Ashley Schaeffer in Los Angeles?
Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
Right over... (GRUNTS)
Whoa. Here we go.
If you would just sign by the "X," sir.
All right. So, hey, Jimmy.
You look like the type of fella
who's had a few relationships.
Keep your eye on that "X," sir.
All business, huh, Jimmy?
I respect that. I know the type.
There you go.
Okay.
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry. I know this
is gonna sound weird to you,
but I can't let you take this box.
Listen, buddy, you just signed the invoice.
It's officially my responsibility now.
I have to take it. (GRUNTS)
Maybe you could just take something else, huh?
How about the lazy Susan?
All right. Okay. I got the invoice.
You're free to go.
Oh. I get it. What?
It's a breakup box.
You can't prove that.
Listen, buddy, trust me.
I do this every day.
She's not coming back. She doesn't love you anymore.
You're never getting this away from me.
Jimmy.
Jimmy!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
You know, you're stronger than you look.
Jimmy, give me the box. Give me the box.
You got back together with him?
Yes. That's what makes my breakup story so good...
The rare double breakup.
We lived together. He left me.
I took him back. He left me again. No warning.
One day, I got home from work,
he'd already moved his things
into a friend's apartment.
His, uh,
things?
Yeah, you know, handcuffs, whips, other sex toys.
His clothes, you fool.
Personal effects. God.
Sorry.
I wandered. Sue me.
Guys, it is almost noon.
Mike is still not in yet.
Yeah, I know. I'm worried, too.
I think we should wait about another 15 minutes,
and if he doesn't show up, call it a day.
I'm going to try him again.
So, Nik... what you doing tonight?
"Nik"?
Cozy night with Mr. TV?
Nah, Mr. Fuchs. Dan, my date.
(IMITATING NIKKI) My date this, my date that.
(NORMAL VOICE) I was just mumbling.
Mike? It's Nikki.
Hey, Nikki. How you doing?
Forget about me. How are you doing?
Oh, I'm fine. I'm fine.
Just taking a personal day.
Well, you want some company?
Oh, I don't think there's a whole lot of room in here.
I mean, I got a few people over,
and there's an occupancy limit.
(FORCED LAUGH)
Anyway, I'm... I'm fine.
Thanks for checking on me.
(STAMMERS) Okay.
Okay.
That was a special treat
watching you handle that briefing, sir.
Yeah, with what passes for news these days,
I knew there'd be more than a...
Well, a couple of questions
about Mike's personal life,
and what kind of friend would I be
if I didn't just step in and deflect a few shots, huh?
(LAUGHS) May I say, sir, it was very impressive.
Well, thank you very much.
I've always excelled at public speaking.
Well, that's...
That's an advantage in the political arena, no doubt, sir.
Well, I really appreciate you letting me,
you know, sub in for you today.
(LAUGHS) Oh. You can fill my shoes anytime, sir.
Yeah, well, Paul, therein lies the problem.
Problem?
Well, see, interacting with the press
is one of my favorite things about public office,
but with you here, I...
I just don't get to seem to do it as often as I'd like.
What are you getting at, sir?
Well, I've decided to discontinue your position here
and handle things myself.
We're going to let you go, Paul.
Oh. Well... I'll... I'll just pack
my things, sir.
Boy, Paul. They were right. You're easy pickings.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Lassiter, your fly's open.
Oh.
I can't believe you cooked for me.
Well, uh, before I became
a bond trader, I was a chef for a while.
Wow.
Got any other interesting jobs in your past?
I was a masseur.
Yes!
If you tell me you've never been convicted of a felony,
you can move in tomorrow.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Ooh, so close.
I tell you, you kill one guy, and it haunts you forever.
But two out of three ain't bad, right?
I mean, this date's going pretty well.
What, are you kidding?
You know what that sound is, don't you?
The sound of us clicking. You hear that?
I think so.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Oh, yeah, I'm definitely picking it up now.
It's... It's more of a knocking sound.
Nikki. Nikki, you were right.
I am an idiot.
I need to talk, and I need you to listen.
Hi. I'm Mike...
Nikki's 9:00 date.
Dan, I'd like you to meet Mike, my boss.
Uh, well, I should probably go.
No. You stay.
I asked you to talk. You came to talk.
We're going to talk, just you and me.
And Dan.
Oh, I don't want to drag you guys down.
I mean, the date must go on.
What did you guys have planned?
Well, we were gonna catch the new Star Trek movie.
Well, I've seen that.
Of course you have.
What about dinner? I mean, that's a date thing, right?
Yeah, we could eat...again.
Okay, great. Well, listen.
I'm just going to use the bathroom.
Dan, why don't you pick the restaurant?
Oh, you are a doll.
He has been in such a bad place.
I know this is really awkward for you.
Nah, it's okay. It's like we have
our own chaperone...
(DOOR OPENS)
...or two.
James?
Hey, Nikki. Excuse me.
You must be the date.
Dan. Uh-uh.
James, what are you doing here?
I... I came to talk about Mike.
I'm really worried about him.
Oh, actually, he's here. Yeah, whatever.
So...
What do you do, Dan?
I like your box.
Thank you.
Mike... I thought you wanted to talk tonight.
Yeah, yeah, I just got to go slow, okay?
I want to ease into it.
You know, I've been through
a couple of painful breakups.
Oh, you hear that, Nikki? He loves them
and leaves them.
Citizens of Gotham.
Howdy, howdy, howdy.
More friends?
I... I like to date in large groups.
Who's the new guy?
Nikki's date, Dan.
Oh, how's the date going?
(GRUNTS)
So, Mr. Big Talk,
you going to finish your
breakup story or what?
I did. She climbed down the fire escape
and left my life forever. That's it?
Hey. We lived on the 14th floor.
She was carrying all my luggage... (SIGHS)
...and my TV.
My breakup story's much better than that.
Well, mine was better than yours.
Nah. No. I just heard it.
You know what? It's getting late.
I should really get going.
Uh... I had a wonderful date
with all of you.
Good night, Nikki.
Sorry about this, Dan.
Give me a call sometime. We'll go out again.
You can count on it.
CARTER: Drive safely.
Thanks for dinner, Dan. Okay, Dan.
Go get 'em, tiger.
He is so not going to call you.
Not a chance, Nik.
Sayonara, Danny boy.
I'm going to get us another round.
I'll help carry.
Well, she might not have the best breakup story,
but now she's definitely got the quickest.
I don't know. Yours is pretty fast.
It's like Ashley just disappeared.
She left last Tuesday.
New Year's Eve?
Yeah.
Tough travel day.
And you didn't ask her to stay?
Nope. Nope. Stuart, it wouldn't
have been fair to either of us.
So, she just got on a plane.
What a bitch.
The situation, Mike, not the girl.
What are you doing?
(GRUNTS) Nothing.
Nothing. Just playing around.
I don't like that game.
Mike, you left your coat.
Thanks.
Everything okay in there?
James and Carter are fine.
Stuart's hiding under a table.
Oh, you're trying to tell me I'm the first boss
who tried to choke Stuart to death?
Mike, you got a problem here.
Yeah. Tell me about it.
It's impossible to catch a cab in this city
when you're carrying a box.
Damn Unabomber.
Oh, yeah. Great.
Mike, you can't do this.
Yeah, you're right. My bad. You take the first one.
We're not ready yet. Thanks.
Oh, no, hey. Oh. No, wait.
Well, that's great, 'cause it's going to be
real easy to get another one.
I don't want to leave here until I know
you're going to be okay.
Jeez, you know, between you and Ashley,
that's the second time I've heard that this week.
But you know what?
You don't always get what you want.
That's why I'm standing out here in the rain with this box
with the sweatshirt that Ashley wore every Sunday,
pictures of us on that camping trip,
earrings that she
left at my place first night she stayed over
that she probably doesn't even know I still have.
Call her, Mike.
Tell her you made a mistake.
You shouldn't have let her leave like that.
That's the funny part.
I didn't just let her go.
But you said that... Yeah, I lied, all right?
I begged her to stay.
She left anyway.
But apparently I'm a...
I'm a real special person,
and I got a good heart,
and she won't forget me.
So, I got that going for me, which is nice.
Give it some time, Mike.
Maybe it'll all work itself out.
Well, she left because she doesn't love me
as much as I love her.
There. You happy? I shared.
Is that what you wanted?
Mike, I'm so sorry.
It's killing me, Nikki.
I'm just dying inside.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Come here.
You're gonna be okay. You're gonna be okay.
(MIKE CRYING)
I just miss her.
Call me if you need anything, okay?
PAUL: Bye. Bye, guys.
Mike, Mike, this reminds me of when I was a bachelor.
Messy apartment, fridge full of beer,
late-night TV.
Why the hell did I ever get married?
Gentlemen, feast your eyes on this.
Why? It's just...
It's an Amish girl churning butter.
PAUL: Ah, thou must be patient.
And there goes the bonnet.