Good morning, everyone. ALL: Good morning.
I have some very exciting news.
It's 9:05, and we already have our first official mistake of the day,
beating the old record set by Paul Lassiter by a full seven minutes.
I couldn't have done it without my family.
Stuart, the mayor was in his office at 9:00 a.m.,
which is when he should have been...
At the small business owners breakfast. So? Not my fault.
(CHUCKLES) Did I schedule that and forget to tell anyone?
We have a winner. (STUART SIGHS).
I don't want to hear any excuses.
You sure? Because I've been saving the doozie.
It starts out as an excuse, but I end up blaming James.
Well, James, as it turns out, has some problems of his own.
James, last night, you had the mayor
tell the women's coalition that his main goal was...
To put more women in managerial positions.
(IMITATES BUZZER) Missionary positions.
I'm, I'm sorry, Mike. My mind must have been wandering.
Even when you daydream, you're conservative.
And, Nikki, mind sharing with us
what you budgeted for the hot-lunch program at P.S. 434?
Sure. 12...
million dollars.
No. No. No need to apologize.
I've had lunch in that cafeteria.
The service is impeccable.
You must try the duck.
And last but not least, Carter.
Great. Never gotten to be last but not least.
That's usually my slot.
No matter how good it is for community relations,
you have to promise me that the mayor will never, ever, ever again
sing at a gospel brunch.
People, I managed to catch most of these mistakes,
and there's nothing too crippling,
but you know what surprises me the most?
Besides the fact that the man who wrote Amazing Grace
hasn't hunted the mayor down and killed him...
is that I'm not angry.
I'm not angry, 'cause you're the best staff I could ever ask for.
We've been working 14-hour days without a break for almost a year now,
and that is simply not the kind of schedule
that is conducive to staying sharp,
so...
PAUL: Air hockey?
Cool!
MIKE: So when you get a five-minute window,
just come in here, unwind, relax,
play a few games, it will help your work.
Great. I was afraid you were going to give us more vacation time.
Unless I can lie down on this table
and have a big, muscular German man give me a full-body massage,
this ain't gonna work for me.
(SPEAKS IN GERMAN)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
While I know that Mayor Winston
is using this downward trend in crime
as a feather in his cap,
I'm sure we all agree that the real credit
is due to my officers out there walking the beat.
Okay. Uh, we just have time for one more question.
Uh, Mr. Commissioner,
are you saying the mayor's office
is overestimating its impact on the decrease in crime?
Uh, look at that, sir. We got to go. I'm sorry, right this way, sir.
PAUL: There you go. Thank you very much, sir.
Paul, you said you had time for one more question.
Yes, but just the question, not the answer.
What was that all about, Howard?
Huh? I mean, do you know how much heat I take
in defending your budget with the city council?
I mean, if it was up to them,
the police force would be you and eight guys in a cab
going to and from the crime scenes.
Maybe I'd be better-served with a
police commissioner who understood that.
Worth thinking about.
You know what, Flaherty.
I wouldn't mind him taking the credit
if I thought he really respected what we do out there.
Hell, he's the mayor. I'm sure he can fake it.
With all due respect, sir,
just a few rules if you want to be successful
in city politics.
Uh, one, don't shake hands during cold-and-flu season.
Uh, two, never kiss a baby unless you're absolutely sure it's a baby.
And three, don't go in that room
and embarrass my guy in front of the press, all right?
You know, the, the mayor tips his hat to law enforcement every chance he gets.
You know that. Talk is cheap.
Couldn't even make an appearance at the policemen's ball.
Okay, okay, there you go, sir. See, that was my fault.
Uh, uh, we had your event on the schedule,
but there were two parades that day and an Italian- American festival,
and the mayor simply got caught up in an important business lunch
with some Italian-American businessmen.
Yeah. I saw him on the six o'clock news.
in a cannoli-eating contest.
(STUTTERING) What do you want him to do? Just give his title away?
So, you've really never played?
Doesn't really seem like a lot to pick up. Let's go.
No. It's too unfair.
You have no chance against my expertise.
I would have to teach you
to isolate your opponent's weaknesses, then capitalize on them,
never paying heed as they beg for mercy,
and to be relentless till victory was yours.
And you wonder why no one will go out with you twice.
You see, grasshopper...
one must understand the rhythms of the game...
(YELLS)
...in order to truly master it.
Ebb and flow. Yin and yang.
Are you prepared to do battle?
(SARCASTICALLY) No. I want you to talk some more.
Begin.
Yang that.
Stuart, here's the fax you were waiting for
and a message from Roberta in payroll.
Oh, and I almost forgot.
I also have your pride, self-respect, and what's left of your manhood.
You should get that back.
Might need that someday.
Hey, did anybody read this? Bingo died.
Oh, who's Bingo?
Only the most-decorated police dog in the city's history.
Oh, yeah, right. He pulled that drowning kid out of the reservoir.
And didn't he sniff out ten kilos of cocaine at La Guardia?
Yeah. Poor little guy didn't sleep for weeks after that.
Look at this. They note his passing on page 39.
I mean, that's just...
that's a total lack of respect.
I mean, that's, that's like Marmaduke country.
I assume you all know what I'm thinking.
That no matter how desperate we ever get,
we will never use the death of an animal for our own benefit?
No.
In fact, we're going to have a very public show of support for Bingo.
And, yes, it is gonna help us.
Stuart, are you with me on this?
I want to be, But a dead dog? That's bad vodou.
James, I need you to whip up a eulogy
for the mayor to give at the funeral.
Mike. Mike, I can't just whip up a eulogy.
I mean, you're asking for a meaningful summation of an entire life.
Did he have friends? What were his hobbies?
Well, man was his best friend.
And as far as hobbies go,
I'd have to say uh, digging holes
and, uh, licking himself.
He was a dog, James.
Carter, go pick up the beloved late pooch.
Ah, transporting dead animals.
What a striking coincidence.
See, I was offered that job once,
but unfortunately I'd already accepted my position here.
Take Paul with you.
What's all the hubbub?
Bingo's dead.
Not true.
There's a great game over at St. Marys every Tuesday,
and I am on a terrific hot streak.
I'm sorry, Mike, but after his behavior in the press conference this morning,
I'm just not too eager to put on a big show for the commissioner.
Oh, don't think of it as doing something for the commissioner, sir.
You're doing it for a brave, fallen four-legged hero.
Oh, yes, the dog.
You know, I had a dog when I was a boy.
What are the odds of that?
if I do make this eulogy, maybe I should talk about him.
Who else... Show people my soft side.
I don't think that could hurt, sir.
Sniffer!
Excuse me?
Sniffer.
That, that's what I named the little guy. Oh.
I'm sure you can guess how I came up with it, Mike.
Family name, sir?
210 West 71st, please.
You know, I've been allergic to cats all my life,
but at the pet morgue, nothing.
Turns out I'm not allergic to dead cats.
Then you should definitely get one.
Excuse me. (CLEARS THROAT) Interesting.
How come you pretended not to see me,
but then you pulled over for him?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Here, does this look familiar? "Taxi! taxi!"
I didn't notice you.
You noticed him?
He has a very big head.
You know, you're very rude.
I think you owe both of us an apology.
For what? I am doing my job.
Why can't you just let me do my job without pestering me?
Oh, all right. Would you take 11th, because it's faster.
I am not a race car driver!
No. You're a racist driver.
Oh, ho, good one.
That's it. Both of you, out of my cab.
You know, what? We don't want to be in this cab, anyway. Let's go, Paul.
All right, fine. How much do we owe you?
Go! Let's go! Get out! Get out of the cab!
(ALL YELLING AT ONCE)
Okay, okay, okay.
Can we just wait till we get off of the bridge?
I just wanted you to know how important this is to us.
Bingo was the finest dog ever to carry a shield.
Yeah, that reminds me, sir. I've always wondered...
Chain around his neck.
Bingo.
Please sit.
Uh, sir, listen, I, I just wanted you to know,
believe me when I say this, uh,
that I want this to be such a fitting tribute
that I pulled all my people off their regular duties
so they can focus 100 percent on this.
That's game!
What most people don't understand
is that these dogs are not just animals,
they're our partners out there.
Don't you worry about a thing, sir.
We are going to treat Bingo
with the dignity and respect that he deserves.
That's right, pal! Get out of here!
Don't worry about it, Paul. We'll get another cab.
I'm sure we will. Do you think it will have a dead dog in it, too?
Because he's got ours in his trunk.
I'm going to call Mike.
Here, let me do it. You're just going to blame me.
Paul, stop it. We're two grown men. I'm an adult.
Give me the phone! Give me the phone! Give it to me!
I'm going to make the call. I'm going to make the call. It's my call.
(PHONE BEEPS)
CARTER: (ON PHONE) Mike, it's Carter.
Here's the situation. Ow! Get off!
PAUL: Mike, Paul here. Now, look,
we have very troubling news. There's a slight logistics problem with Bingo.
CARTER: Slight logistics problem?
Mike, Paul lost the dog.
PAUL: I knew you were going to blame me.
Thank you.
Hi, Mom. It's me. Quick question.
I heard a message on Mike's machine
that would make a great story,
but the only reason I heard it is because I live with him.
Is it okay to use it?
Yeah, that's what all my friends said.
Put dad on.
Bye, Mom.
Huh, that was quick.
Well, you know, it always is. "How's the weather? How's your health?
Stop wasting your time with that Flaherty boy."
Well, you used to be throwing your life away with that Flaherty boy.
I think she's coming around.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Hello.
Paul! This better be good news, Paul.
You better listen to me, Paul.
You better find me that damn dog,
or I'm going to come down there, duct-tape a fur coat to your ass
and shove you in a little box!
The dog, Paul! Find me the dog!
I want a... nice wreath, too. Okay? Something decent. Money's no object.
Thank you.
Can't skimp on these things.
You're doing it again.
Doing what?
Covering. I am telling you, it is too cute.
I, uh, I have no idea what you're talking about.
I, uh, have nothing to hide.
Something is bothering you.
Maybe it would just make you feel better
just to, you know, relax, let it out.
I'm just excited. that's all.
I love funerals.
I really, really do.
Bet you didn't know I had a dark side, huh?
I believe I left a package in one of your cabs yesterday.
What was in it?
You're going to laugh. it was a dead German shepherd.
He hung up on me.
Mike, Mike, we're making phone calls. don't you worry.
(BOTH TALKING TOGETHER)
MIKE: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
It's okay.
I can see how this could happen.
After all, there's plenty of ways you could lose a dog.
He could wander off.
He could chase a cat.
Of course, those are generally things a live dog would do.
Don't let Carter blame it on me,
because he's the one who got us kicked out of the cab in the first place.
Paul, I'm not pointing any fingers here,
but if you had to hazard a guess,
whose fault would you think it was?
Look, I'm not interested in assigning blame here.
There will be plenty of time for that after the funeral,
which starts in 20 minutes,
and for which the guest of honor is currently AWOL.
ASHLEY: Hi, Mike.
Hi, Ash. Bye, Mike.
MIKE: Bye, Ash.
Communication is the cornerstone of our relationship.
So...
Too bad about that dog.
What do you mean?
What could I mean?
I don't know.
Only one thing wrong with the dog, he's dead.
Damn!
Yeah, I know this sounds crazy,
but, see, I left a...
I left a suitcase in one of your cabs.
Cherry with brass handles.
Ooh, damn!
You weren't exaggerating. He's terrible.
You know what the problem is?
I don't have any motivation.
I'm a money player, so what do you say we bet?
You're a baby now. I can't imagine
how bad it will be when you're paying my rent.
NIKKI: I'll bet 20 bucks on her.
Oh, me, too. I'm no dope.
Well, looks like it's the men against the women. James will cover their bets.
Ah, no, James won't.
James is betting on Janelle.
James thinks Stuart's a big bag of free money.
Well, fine. Stuart will bet 60 bucks on himself.
Goal.
(CLINK) Whoo!
It's got to be frustrating.
Hold this. You know, it's one thing to use this to relax,
It's another thing to constantly abuse the privilege. Oh, hi, Mike.
Great, great. you're all having fun,
but let's just review what we know.
All right, Mike, we're sorry.
No, no, please indulge me. Okay?
We're missing a dog that could make or break our relationship with the police department.
But you know what? you're right.
Go ahead, relax. Have a good time.
Okay, quick one to five.
That's it. Playtime is over.
I don't care how you do it.
I want that dog or a damn fine replacement, all right?
I want everybody thinking about one thing and one thing only,
B-I-N-G-O.
And the first person who says "and Bingo was his name-o"
is fired!
What on earth possessed you to buy this?
Mike said he wanted a wreath. Nice, huh?
I think it's really going to help.
We still don't have Bingo, but I'm sure the bone wreath will save the day.
Open the door, I'm going to set this up.
All right, we're obviously not ready,
why can't we just push this thing back till tomorrow?
This isn't a wedding. We can't exactly tell people that Bingo got cold feet.
Well, actually...
Okay.
Not bad, huh?
I got him at the pound.
Even Bingo's mother would have to look twice.
Mike, this dog isn't exactly right.
Yeah, I know. It's a slight different coloration around the face,
but I think we're going to get away with it.
And you never noticed any other problems?
Curve of the tail? The thickness of the coat?
He's alive?
PAUL: Ashley's coming in. Oh, look at the puppy.
Come here, puppy...
MIKE: Hi, Ash.
NIKKI: Hey, Ash. STUART: How are you?.
I just wanted to pay my respects now.
Don't want to tear up in front of everyone.
I don't think it's a good idea for you to see him now,
cause you know how emotional you get.
That's ridiculous. Let me just take a look.
MIKE: Uh...
CARTER: What is it? Have you lost weight? You look fabulous.
Uh... I can't watch you fall apart like this.
You're just crumbling right in front of me.
Can you please just escort her out?
Oh, absolutely.
I think this is going to work. All right, watch this.
Sit, sit, sit. There you go.
Okay, lie down, lie down.
All right, play dead.
Look at that, dead as a door-nail.
Mike, I'm sorry, it is over. You got to go out there
and tell the Commissioner we lost the dog.
If we're going to go down, we're going to go down in flames, all right.
Turn the lights down low.
We'll just move everybody past real quick.
(BARKS)
Okay, that could be a problem.
MIKE: I think we should get going, sir.
I can't tell you what this means to me,
to see my men here, gathered to say good-bye.
I won't forget this, Randall.
It's the least we could do. Our condolences.
Nice work.
By the way, how'd you find a vet that could tranquilize him on short notice?
(WHISPERING) I got a guy I use when I need to keep things quiet.
Relax, it's perfectly safe. It's the same stuff
you give your dog when you put him on the plane.
Who's that? Who is that?
I think it's Bingo's partner.
Oh, no. Are you sure?
Uh, he's holding a picture of them together in uniform.
This is bad.
Oh, this is bad.
Turn around, turn around. turn around and go away.
MIKE: Turn around and go away. Yes!
Yes!
I mean, aww.
Yes!
Mike, Mike, it's over.
It's done. we did it.
Just look at my wreath.
stop with the wreath already!
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to express my deepest sorrow.
Now, I didn't know Bingo personally,
But I do know from talking to all of you, he was truly special.
Rest assured, Bingo will not be forgotten.
His voice will be heard in the echo
of dogs barks everywhere.
(BARKS)
Yes, woof.
It's a miracle.
He's alive!
Clap. (EVERYONE CLAPPING)
Picked up the new Beck CD.
Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I thought maybe we'd just, uh...
God, I hate this damn shrink wrap.
...you know, open up a bottle of wine,
relax, listen to a little music tonight.
Ouch!
We can watch a video.
Sorry, it's just that I have had a really bad day.
(SIGHS)
This is off. I mean, off, off, off, off, off the record, all right?
We lost Bingo.
I know, I know! I heard it on the machine,
and it drove me crazy because it was right there in front of me.
I can't believe you didn't run with it.
I mean, that story, it had everything, Mike.
The indignant Police Commissioner, the hapless Deputy Mayor,
the lost local hero.
Hapless?
It was a bad choice of words.
Look at us.
Back at it again.
Yep. Does it scare you?
No.
Cause I know you love me,
you need me...
Mm-hmm.
You'd never ever, ever, ever
run with anything that would cause me pain.
Don't press your luck, mister.
Hey, so how is, how is Bingo's partner doing?
I mean, I am telling you, when that dog stood up,
he looked like it was the Second Coming.
Mike, tell me you told him.
WOMAN: Help! Help!
He just stole my purse!
Go get him, Bingo! Go get him! Go...
Bingo, what the hell's the matter with you?
MIKE: And now we're gambling. Well, that's special.
That's just what we need in the City Hall, isn't it, sir?
Uh-huh.
One more goal.
MIKE: No, now. And rest assured this table will be gone tomorrow.
MAYOR: Huh.
I can't believe they were betting.
I-I'm embarrassed, sir.
Well, I might as well put this table
in the rumpus room of the mansion.
(STUTTERING) I was actually kind of thinking
it would look good in my office.
Best of three.
You got it, Your Honor.
Woof-woof, dog boy!