Folks, in about five minutes,
the Mayor's going to stand up in front of the press
and continue moving forward with our plan to "streamline" the budget.
Nice way of putting it, Mike.
"Streamline" Very innocuous, very soothing.
Paulie, tell you what.
When I raise my hand like this,
that means I want you to critique my word choice, okay?
Sounds like a plan.
Now, I know it hasn't been a lot of fun around here lately,
but that's just the way it is when you're streamlining.
We ran on a platform of no budget cuts and no layoffs,
and we're about to announce that
we're cutting the budget and laying people off.
Does anyone else see the irony in that?
We could get the guy that did the Crazy Eddie commercials.
"We're slashing! We're cutting!
"Budgets so low, we're practically giving city hall away!"
I saw the irony in that.
I got to tell you, Mike, I have been living
with this budget for months.
It's fiscally sound.
Nikki's right. All of our cost increases
have been kept well below inflation levels.
Great. We'll just tell that
to all the people we're firing today.
I'm sure it'll perk them right up.
Ah, frustrated. I'm sorry. I apologize.
I accept.
I wasn't apologizing to you.
I was apologizing to Nikki.
I accept for Nikki.
I have the answer.
The annual public schools "Mayor For A Day" essay contest winner
is due here any minute.
Ah. Another public relations gem
from the man who brought you
The Muffins With The Mayor program.
If the kid is cute, it could be a good distraction.
The press eats up that wide-eyed innocent stuff.
Yeah. It's worth a shot.
Fetch the boy.
We'll parade him out in front of the press,
get a few photo ops, and then we'll release him back into society,
well on his way to becoming a cynical, disillusioned adult.
Great. Maybe someday he'll be able to work here.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
As you all should know,
balancing the city budget is tricky business.
As a matter of fact, the budget for the city
is not unlike the budget you might have in your own home,
Except, of course, we're dealing with
billions of dollars here,
and in your own home, you're probably not.
(COUGHS) Take a few questions.
Know what? I'll take a few questions.
Yeah.
Sir, the general feeling of the public
seems to be that you're completely out of touch
with the human costs of the cuts that you're proposing.
That wasn't a question.
MAYOR: Next.
Paulie, you see what's happening out there?
The Mayor's trotting out his "that wasn't a question" defense.
Get me the Mayor For a Day kid.
Mike, let me just...
I want the kid. Get me the kid. Okay, okay.
Mike, this is Tommy Dugan.
Hi. Hey.
Hi. Uh... Listen, don't you worry.
We're going to take real good care of your son today.
Well, I appreciate that, sir, but I don't have a son.
Well, your daughter.
No.
You?
(CHUCKLES) Took a while, but I knew you'd get there.
Paul.
His essay was postmarked
Public school 423.
I'm... I'm the janitor there. Yeah.
This contest was supposed to be for kids.
Well, I hate to ruffle your feathers,
but the rules did say "for children of all ages."
All right, you guys. I got these stats...
Well! Who do we have here?
Tommy Dugan, mayor for a day.
You mind if I look in there?
How can he be the... Oh, don't ask.
So is our mayor for the day married?
Oh, I don't know. Uh, uh...
Paul, maybe that's a good one
for next year's questionnaire.
Right after, uh...
"Are you a grown man?"
TOMMY: Am I married?
Do I have a son? Do I have a daughter?
This really is a family-oriented administration.
Look, uh, Tommy, uh...
I... We appreciate your efforts,
and I'm sure that your essay was topnotch.
And trust me you'll get your certificate,
you'll get that photo of you on the mayor's lap...
But you have to understand.
We can't take you out there and introduce you...
Mike, you may want to take a look at this.
Excuse me, uh, Tommy.
That wasn't a question, either.
I asked if you plan to announce any other budget cuts today.
Yes, but your voice didn't go up at the end.
Welcome aboard, little fella.
Oh! Aw...
This is good news.
The winner of our public schools
Mayor For a Day essay contest is here.
Now, that's exciting, isn't it?
Okay. Let's meet him now.
From public school 423 in Brooklyn,
little Tommy Dugan.
It's an honor, sir.
Who the hell are you?
Tommy Dugan, sir. What?
You know, I could do without the "little" part.
That doesn't exactly help with the ladies, you know?
Mr. Dugan... Mr. Dugan...
Oh, just call me Tommy
Or, you know, Mayor Tommy. Whatever.
This has to be a joke.
Well, now, that wasn't really a question, was it?
So, Mayor Tommy,
how did you end up getting this job?
Well, heart and desire, sir.
I think I just wanted it
more than some of the other kids.
Are you a democrat or a republican?
Well, ma'am, now that I'm officially a politician,
let me ask you,
what do you want me to be?
REPORTER: Well, fine.
How do you feel about the proposed 10-cent fare hike?
Well, I guess that really depends on what it's going for.
You know, uh, if it's going for public schools,
heck, you know, I'd be willing to kick in a couple of dimes.
The school that I work at is so crowded
that they are actually having some classes in the bathrooms.
I guess there's some pluses.
If a kid's in English class,
he needs to go to the bathroom,
he can always pick up a little math while he's in there.
This guy is money.
I know, Mike.
I'll get rid of him as soon as you give me the word.
No, no, no, Paul. Being money is good.
Oh.
I'm usually very hip.
I know.
ASHLEY: So you're telling me that you were not surprised.
No, no, no. Not at all.
The fact is that none of the finalists
in the elementary school essay contest
were under 30.
Can you please look me in the face while you're saying that?
I don't think I need to.
I want you to admit that you guys
made a mistake on this one.
If we had, I would. You know me.
Yes, I know you.
Oh, hey!
Good golly, Molly! I got an idea.
Why don't you interview this guy?
Mike, you know that I made a pledge
never to set foot in this building
until I worked my way up to the city hall beat, you know?
And then you call me about some fluff interview
with your mayor for the day?
Excuse me, fluff?
Well, that makes me feel good inside,
especially after all the hours
I spent sifting through those essays
until I handpicked Tommy Dugan.
The amazing thing is it actually seems you believe what you're saying.
The goal here was to amplify the voice of the common man,
and the fact that you would spin that simple truth
is a sad commentary on the cynicism of the press today.
A cynicism that is so corrosive
it is eating away... This is too much, isn't it?
Way.
Off the record?
I thought he was in the fifth grade. Paul's an idiot.
There he is. There's my mayor for a day.
Come on. Give me another one.
Ah!
You were great out there.
You made us look like heroes for raising the price of a subway token.
Not that we're not,
but, you know, sometimes that message gets lost.
Tommy, you seem to have created
what we media gurus like to call a buzz.
Well, I'm just trying to be myself, you know?
I'm just a common-sense guy.
It's not like I'm going to explain complicated chemistry stuff to you,
but I do know that if you mix baking soda and lemon juice,
you can get the rust off a urinal no problem.
Really? Any urinal?
Oh, yeah, by the way. Oh, gosh.
You know, I was so excited about coming here,
I wanted to just, uh, to be prepared,
So I jotted some stuff down on a... Look at that guy.
Oh, here we go.
Now, I hope this isn't, you know, out of line,
But when Mr. Lassiter called me to tell me I was mayor for a day,
he didn't explain any parameters, so...
P-Paul, you spoke to him?
He sounded so much younger on the phone.
"All public officials must ride public transportation.
"New job hotline for laid-off workers."
Tommy, these are good.
Let's have these typed up.
Just disregard the mandatory 40% tip for bartenders.
It was late, and I was getting free drinks.
Good morning, everyone.
Little Tommy, loved your little show in there.
Very cute, very likable.
Mike, can I see you in the office?
You know, uh, Tommy, he's right.
You were great in there today.
Oh, thanks.
You know, it's weird.
I used to get so nervous talking to people.
It was like I felt like my tongue didn't fit in my mouth.
Oh, right. Sure.
No, seriously.
Yeah, I'd want to just, I don't know,
just walk up to a pretty girl, you know, like yourself,
and say...
"Your hair is the same color as leaves at the end of autumn,
"You know, when they're just so beautiful
"You can't take your eyes off of them,"
But then I'd open my mouth,
and it would just come out like...
(MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY)
Not anymore, huh?
Oh, that was a long time ago.
(GARBLED) I don't have that problem anymore.
So are you sure Tommy isn't going to be a distraction out there today?
Well, actually, sir,
he's not supposed to be in the office for the rest of the day.
We got a Mayor For the Day schedule here.
According to this,
next he's got a City Hall guided tour
and then a pony ride.
Then a nap.
Aw, gee! A pony ride?
You got to admit it.
He killed at that press conference.
You know, I don't understand something.
This kid can just waltz in here off the street,
and everybody loves him.
You know, I think the answer
might be in this focus group report.
I thought we were done with those, Mike.
We had that one last focus group,
and their recommendation was more focus groups.
I'm not interested in the results.
Well, they say some very nice things about your honor in here.
No. I don't care. What kind of things?
You might want to read it.
(SIGHS) I'm not making you any promises.
They like that about you.
Page six.
Oh, gee! Here they come again!
Really, all I meant to say was... (REPORTERS CLAMORING)
Yeah?
Mr. Mayor, about this afternoon's press conference.
They're going to come after us hard today, Mike,
but have no fear.
At lunchtime, I went to my gym,
did a little workout on the speed bag, I'm ready.
Huh? Huh? Whoo!
Sir, you know, I was thinking.
We still got Tommy Dugan hanging around,
And I thought, I don't know,
I thought we might open up with him.
What?
I'm telling you. Tommy Dugan could run for mayor today and win.
Excuse me?
Well, not here.
I mean in a much, much smaller city.
Somewhere, like, on the west coast...
Of Africa.
Well, he's a good kid.
A damn lion tamer with the press, too, huh?
You know, okay.
We could use all the guns that we got today, Mike.
Speaking of which, sir,
did you get a chance to look at the focus group results?
Oh, you know, this stuff is just nonsense.
I mean, look.
Do you find me detached, huh?
Do you think that my gestures are threatening?
Uh...
Now, look at this.
Still with the height.
Will they ever let that go?
I'm afraid that one's going to keep dogging us, sir.
Thanks, everybody. Thank you. (ALL APPLAUDING)
Ed, Malcolm. Toby, I love the scarf.
How would you describe your experience as mayor for a day?
Well, to tell you the truth, Frank, it's been great.
You know, I've learned so much.
Heck, before today,
I had no idea how many people worked down here at City Hall.
How many people do work here?
Well, as far as I can tell, about half.
(LAUGHS)
No. I'm kidding. I just set you up.
Tommy, would you ever consider running for public office?
No. Leave that to the professionals.
I mean, these guys are great.
Of course, they get paid a lot more than I do.
All I got was lunch.
MIKE: Uh, thanks, Tommy.
Listen, uh, I hate to interrupt here
because you're doing a great job
and we all want to hear more about your day.
I just have a couple of quick housekeeping items
I got to take care of.
Uh, first, we're happy to announce
that the Christmas tree for Rockefeller Center is on its way,
and, folks,
it's the tallest one in the history of New York city.
Taller than last year? I mean, that's great.
What did I say? These guys are great.
Thanks, Tommy, thanks.
What's the other item?
Uh, due to budget restrictions, we'll be downsizing
the Department of Transportation road crews by 8%.
Okay, back to you, Tommy.
You're firing people right before Christmas?
Well, no, Tommy.
We're letting them go before the end of the fiscal year.
And how many people are you letting go?
Uh, well, we've been able to limit it to about 150.
You know, let's be honest, Mike.
There's not a lot of freelance pothole work out there.
This is a bum deal for these guys,
even if they do get to keep the orange vests.
You didn't let me finish.
Okay? Uh...
They will be keeping the orange vests.
150. You know, that is a hell of a lot more
than how many people are in this room.
How would you like to tell all these reporters
they don't have to come in tomorrow?
Oh, Tommy, if I only had the power.
(REPORTERS ASKING QUESTIONS)
TOMMY: How great was that, huh?
Home run, out of the park.
You know, those reporters
are still back there, scribbling away.
Yeah, Tommy. That was a real game-winner.
Mike, you were right. This is definitely not a fluff piece.
Oh, I'm real happy for you, hon.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Okay, yeah, just a second.
I want to do this while I'm still on a high.
Hey, uh... Nikki? Um...
Listen, would you be interested
in having dinner with me tonight?
Just like that?
No mind games?
No pre-date commitment-phobia speeches? Nothing?
What kind of a guy is afraid of commitment?
You know, Tommy, no one in this room right now
is interested in doing anything with you, okay?
You know, I sense you're a little bit upset.
You have no idea what you just did, do you?
Well, I told the truth.
Well, you get a gold star for that.
Mike, there's a bunch of angry roadworkers downstairs.
If you don't meet with them,
they're threatening to, and I quote, "start paving the lobby."
So, are you going to go talk with them?
Well, Tom, as a general rule of thumb,
I don't have an open-door policy
with angry ex-government workers,
especially ones who drive steamrollers.
Well, who do you have an open-door policy with, Mike?
The people who are paying for your expense-account lunches?
What exactly is your point, Mayor Tommy?
Those guys lost their jobs today, okay?
All they want to do is talk.
And you want to know the weird part?
It was fun for me.
Seriously, I got a big spinning wheel in my office,
and whenever I get the urge to fire some blue-collar workers,
I go in there, I give that sucker a twirl.
I know that you have tough decisions to make.
All right? But what you're doing is affecting real people's lives,
and I think that they deserve a little respect.
At least they deserve someone who's going to,
you know, look them in the eyes.
I saw that.
Oh! Ahhh!
All right, sir, you've gone over the speech?
Yes, yes, yes.
Okay, remember, we're going to do this one
according to the focus group recommendations.
And remember what we went over
about the people- friendly gestures.
The shrunken thumb, the soft chop.
No, see, the soft chop goes away from the torso.
Never toward. Always away. Always away.
I got it, Paul.
As far as the height issue,
we've raised the podium
to give the illusion that you're not quite so tall.
What are you, Doug Henning?
Anytime you're ready, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it has been a trying time for me lately
and for this administration,
But I truly believe that...
There are better days ahead.
I stand before you a new mayor,
new ideas,
lots of new stuff.
Oh, forget it. Come on, this is...
Look, this is me, huh?
I'm still this tall.
Let me tell you something.
I'm making these budget cuts
because they need to be made for the city.
If you don't like the way I'm doing it, fair enough.
Just don't vote for me next time.
Let's just forget all these gimmicks, okay?
All right, how about some questions?
Mr. Mayor, how do you respond to accusations
that your administration is out of touch
with the needs and the cares of the people?
I speak for every member of my administration
when I say that we do not like to see
people losing their jobs any more than you do,
But what annoys me, what really frustrates me,
is every single person sitting in this room
has been here long enough to know that.
But still, I guess you just need
a bad guy to sell your newspapers.
That's all.
(REPORTERS MURMURING INDISTINCTLY)
Yeah, that's all right. I'll... I'll handle it.
All right, this isn't going to work.
Just wanted to come to say good-bye and thank you.
Oh, not at all.
Oh, hey, great interview with Ashley.
See yourself on TV?
Oh, yeah, that was so cool.
You know, I never been on TV before
When I wasn't doing this.
Well, as long as you had fun.
Oh, it was great, maybe the best day of my life.
Well, you got to come back and see us sometime.
You mean that? No, not at all. Just being polite.
I guess it will just have to wait till next year, then.
I've already started outlining my essay. It's a doozie.
Till then.
Oh, still around, fellas?
Tommy.
One for the road.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, right.
That's enough, Tommy. Come on.
Come on. Bell's rung. Go to class.
(LAUGHS) There we go.
I'm going to miss you, Mr. Mayor.
Yeah, well, I'm going to miss you, too.
You take good care of yourself, huh?
Damn it, I can't break this habit.
Good night, guys.
God, he's a tall one, isn't he?
Yeah. Yeah.
It's killing us.
Seeing as how I'm no longer mayor for a day,
I imagine the shine is off the apple for you.
I don't have half the pull that I used to.
Imagine if we tried to go back to that diner tonight.
We couldn't get the booth near the jukebox
Even if I phoned ahead.
You know what?
I don't care.
Let's go strap on a couple of feed bags.
You know, you are a very cool woman.
(GARBLED) Well, that was...
(GARBLED) Wha...
(GARBLED) Oh, yeah, sometimes it's contagious.