(HUMMING THEME SONG)
Oh, great. Must be 3:30, 5:30, 7:30, or 9:30 again.
Honey, it's not like I want this.
I... I need it. I... I need my SportsCenter.
Hey, turn on MTV.
Got it.
I mean, will you just look at Eddie Vedder?
It's like he's only a guy, and then he starts singing.
MIKE: I know what you mean, hon.
I feel the same way about Wayne Gretzky.
Mike, I don't think that's possible.
(TURNS OFF TELEVISION)
Ahhh! Ahhh! What are you doing?
Look at my hands, honey. Turn it back on.
Honey, this is crazy.
We get one night a week to spend some real time together.
We shouldn't spend it watching TV.
Yeah. Yeah.
(HUMMING SPORTSCENTER THEME SONG)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, next. Minority affairs. Carter.
I've got the mayor having dinner at the Asian Alliance fund-raiser.
Great. Play up his record in small business loans, and sure you bring a fork.
Because he is not too good with the, uh...
Mike, I think we all remember the sushi incident.
I thought you could break a window with a piece of raw fish.
Well, you live, and you learn.
Okay, the next piece of news. Very exciting.
According to this report,
The crime rate in the city of New York,
that's here, is down 30%.
Paul, spread the news.
Have no fear, Captain, good news is on the case.
You know, he's just getting stranger.
Okay, next up, the Sharon Project.
Oh, no! Oh, no!
That's right. You're right.
Just because we were elected to serve
doesn't mean we have to worry
about some retirement center in Queens going bankrupt.
Finally, you're coming around.
We've been trying to drum up support
for buying the Sharon Project for weeks.
I think it's time to throw it away.
No. I don't throw things away.
That's not who I am. That's not my style.
It's like with underwear.
It doesn't matter how tattered or torn a pair get,
as long as that sucker has a waistband in it,
it stays in the rotation.
It's time, 10:00. Donaldson's never late.
Okay, let's go.
Why are we rolling out the red carpet
for some real-estate developer, anyway?
Dan Donaldson is the real-estate developer.
The man is my hero.
You read his book Dan I Am? It's brilliant.
Except for the title, which he clearly ripped off.
From who?
Think about it in your chair. Think about it anywhere.
How do I look?
Way too excited.
Oh! Here he comes.
Now, Mike, I think you should let me do the talking.
Oh, you do, do you?
Yeah. Don't get me wrong.
Your little "look at me, I'm so charming" thing
Works on most people, but Donaldson's different.
He's ruthless. He's serious. He's my people, Mike.
Flaherty, you and me, let's go.
Mr. Donaldson, I'm, uh, I'm pleased to make your acquaintance.
(MOCKINGLY) Mr. Donaldson, I'm pleased to make your acquaintance.
No, actually, I think Mike and I first met
at a $10,000-a-plate charity dinner.
I would have bought dinner, but I'd just
come from a $5,000-a-plate charity lunch
and I was a little tapped out.
Dan, I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Are you ready?
No problem, Your Honor.
Nikki, would you escort Mr. Donaldson to my office, please?
I'll catch up to you in a moment.
Mike. Yes, sir.
I just got off the phone with Speaker Rosen, and he tells me
you won't get off his case about this Sharon Project.
Well, first off, sir...
I'm sympathetic, Mike, but come on. You've read the budget.
You know, all my friends told me that I should,
but I can never get past the second chapter.
I know it's tough, Mike, but there are bigger battles to be won.
Mr. Mayor, I convinced your yoga instructor to see you at 5:00.
Yes!
Okay, Mike.
The press gods are restless.
They demand a sacrifice.
All right, if Paul's not here in one minute,
James, you're going on in his place.
Please, no, Mike. No, no. I can't. I'm sorry.
That's okay, James... Nikki, brief him.
No, no, no.
I can't get any air.
I know, honey. Now, just try to pay attention.
Okay, home robbery is down 17%.
Car theft is down 28%.
I feel like I'm being strangled.
Funny. That's down 12%.
Hey, look who's here. It's captain good news.
I just went out to get my morning muffin.
Crime statistics, Paul, remember?
Big news, banner day, safer streets.
I just got mugged.
Yeah!
Yeah, yeah. He took everything.
He even took my crime statistics.
Somewhere in this city, there's a guy walking around
with my wallet, my cell phone,
and a big pie chart showing how much crime has dropped.
I'm sure they're all getting a big laugh out of that
back at the hideout.
Did you get a look at him? White guy? Black guy?
Big guy. Massive. So big, he stood in front of me,
I thought it was an eclipse.
Did he have a gun?
No.
A knife? No.
A comb?
He was just intimidating, all right?
What did he say?
Well, he didn't speak English.
Hey, Paul, you think there's an outside chance
this guy was just asking for directions?
Look, I know you guys are just making jokes
to try and cheer me up, but it's all right.
Don't you worry, because I'm not going to be a victim.
You give me those statistics, all right?
I'm going to blow this baby out of the water.
Attaboy, Paulie.
Were you just trying to cheer him up?
Eh!
I finished my coffee.
Good.
I finished my brownie, too.
You want another one?
Yeah. You got $9?
I love this place. I get some of my best writing done here.
All right.
There you go.
"I'm bored."
It's very creative.
I'm feeling pretty good about it.
What do you want?
I want those two waitresses to huddle up
and tackle those two waitresses.
You know what, honey, if you want to go watch sports,
you can, you know? Just go home.
It's a tough call.
Hey, Mr. Donaldson.
Mike.
What are you doing here?
Me? I own this place.
Well, actually, I own the whole chain.
Actually, I own a small pharmaceutical firm
which recently purchased parts of Colombia.
The big deal here is that I get free coffee.
Samantha, could I have a double mochaccino, please?
Throw some nutmeg on top of there. Thank you.
Samantha, can I get a pair of chinos?
Flaherty, I think you just ordered pants.
Uh, decaf. No pleats.
This isn't really my type of place, either, you know?
Sometimes I think I just buy things because I'm bored.
No kidding.
Yeah.
Uh, sir, can you read this?
"I'm bored."
I think I can help you out.
DONALDSON: So let's hear it.
I'm giddy with excitement.
All right, sir.
This is an incredible business opportunity.
Are you familiar with the Sharon Retirement Center?
Yeah.
Okay, so what I'm proposing is this,
you buy that facility...
And basically, that's all I'm proposing.
Great pitch.
I can have it typed up for you.
How much?
Four million.
That's all?
Because, you know, I probably got that on me.
Oh, don't tease, sir.
It's not a bad idea, Flaherty.
Fix the place up, we hike the fees.
Well, no, see, it would have to be
the same people living there at the same cost.
Oh, great.
What you're telling me then is,
I basically take a huge chunk of money
and flush it down the toilet.
I thought you would appreciate me coming to you first.
I like you, Flaherty.
You, sir, are plucky.
What I want to know is,
what's the Mayor's office getting out of all this?
All right, all right.
We're trying to help people.
All right, I'll take it.
You're kidding. Really?
Just like that?
Hey, thank you. Thank you, sir.
Dan.
Dan. Sir Dan. Like a knight.
I have no idea what I'm saying.
You did pretty good for yourself, kid.
Pretty good? I spun you like a top.
I figured it out.
The way to you is through your heartstrings.
You people think that rich guys have it so easy.
You go to the market, at worst, you come home with an extra pack of cookies.
Me, I just impulse-bought a retirement home.
Try explaining that to the wife.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
(IMITATING HOWARD COSELL) And there he is...
The young deputy mayor out of Fordham.
An unprecedented victory on the Sharon Senior Citizen Project.
Tell us about it, Mike.
(WITH SOUTHERN ACCENT) I just want to thank the good lord
for giving me the ability to play this game.
JAMES: Well, there you have it.
So, Donaldson just bought the Sharon Center
out of the goodness of his heart?
Pretty much.
Well, talk about your fallen idols.
Paulie, listen, good news on those crime stats.
Front page of every paper.
I was robbed, Mike.
I know, Paul. Quit milking it.
No. I mean I was robbed again.
This time, he got my apartment.
For those of you keeping score at home,
that's criminals two, Lassiter zero.
Wow. Robbed twice in two days.
Wouldn't that be weird if it were the same guy?
Oh, James, please.
We live in a city of eight million people. Same guy. Right.
Paul, when you were mugged, they got your wallet, right?
What was in there? Cash, credit cards,
maybe something with your address on it?
Yeah, my driver's license. Terrible picture, though.
It was so horrible.
What about your keys, Paul?
Well, yeah but I used my spare set.
My keys. Oh, my God, he got my keys.
He knows where I live. He got my keys.
My bike! My bike! My bike!
I thought we were going to watch the game together.
That's what we're doing, honey.
You're in the kitchen.
Sweetheart, anytime anything even remotely exciting happens,
they play it again in slow-motion.
When that happens, you tell me,
and I'll run right over to that couch and watch it.
No. You can't watch a game like that.
You got to sit down. You got to focus.
Okay.
Hey, did I tell you that my sister, she's changing...
Shh, shh.
There's no... There's no talking.
But it's a commercial.
Yeah, but I could just tell
you had more than 30 seconds worth of conversation.
So who are we voting for,
the blue guys or the red guys?
Well, it's a hockey game,
so it's probably not going to be decided by a vote.
We... We are, however, rooting
for the blue guys.
Gotcha.
Ahem.
Hey, you want another beer?
No, I'm okay.
Wait a minute.
How come you can get up, walk around, and talk and I can't?
Because I'm getting a beer.
Ah, the rules don't apply when you're getting beer.
Or food.
So no walking or talking
unless food and/or beer are involved.
I got it.
Oh, boy.
This is great. I got my beer.
I got my game. I got my girl.
Couldn't be happier.
Good. I'm so glad.
What are you doing?
Well, I'm sitting here next to you
watching the game and not talking.
Besides that.
Paying bills.
All right, see, okay, this is why
I can't watch a game with you.
Because I'm paying bills?
Because you don't even care what's happening in the game.
It makes no difference to you who wins or loses.
You have no personal investment in the outcome. You barely...
You know, Mike, I think the red guys just scored.
No!
Hey.
You can't tell me you don't have your own office
because I've seen pictures of it.
It's much nicer than mine, it's got a better view,
and the golf course is magnificent.
This is nice, too, Mike.
What do you call this, anyway, deputy mayor chic?
What is this, a social call?
Oh, no, no, much more than that.
Now that I officially own the Sharon Center,
I reckon it's time for a little celebration.
To the Sharon Center.
To new friends.
To generosity.
To the library annex.
To the Empire State Building.
I'm not following you.
The new public library annex, Mike...
I'd really like the construction contract on that.
Well, I can't wait to get your bid.
Oh, that's the thing.
You see, I was kind of hoping that you'd wait
till all the other bids came in
and you'd let me know which one was lowest,
and that way I could slide right in underneath.
I'm...I'm sorry.
I don't... I don't do, uh...
I can do "safe."
I can do "touchdown."
I can even do that guy in the box.
Yeah, but if I get this contract,
I'll have an in for future city work, and I really want that.
Dan, you know, I'm not comfortable
making those kinds of deals.
Uh, even for a new friend?
Uh, I'm sorry. My hands are, uh...
Uh...
Look, you got to do
what you're comfortable with, right?
After all, you know, comfort's what it's all about.
For example, I don't really know how comfortable I am
owning an old-age home.
I may be a little more comfortable
owning a... I don't know...
Mini-mall...
A vacant lot, perhaps.
So that's what this has all been about.
Oh, no, no, no, Mike.
This has been a romance.
You're the son I've never had.
Just imagine my surprise to learn that you were the deputy mayor.
All right, get the hell out of my office
and take your cheap... You own a vineyard?
Mike, if I don't get this contract from you,
you know I'm going to go right down the line until somebody else bites,
and in the meantime, I own this retirement home.
Now, have you ever heard the sound of a wrecking ball?
Boom!
Gives me goose bumps.
You're a son of a bitch, you know that?
Guess you didn't play me like a top after all, did you, Flaherty?
Not many people do.
I can't believe I let that guy beat me.
You know what, Mike?
Maybe we can find some dirt on this guy.
Oh, he loves hot dogs.
I always see him buying them outside.
Well, we've got him, then, don't we?
Well, it's a starting point, all right?
Don't you people realize what you're up against?
Finding dirt won't do any good.
Donaldson's dirt just makes him stronger.
Sorry, but it's survival of the fittest out there.
If we were stranded alone on a desert island...
You would eat me.
I like to think so.
Buck up, Mike.
Look, we're the dream team, remember, huh?
We're unbeatable.
Did you really just tell me to buck up?
Sure did.
Because if you'd added the words "little camper,"
you'd be fired.
Look. Look at me. I've been robbed twice in two days.
I'm a one-man crime wave,
but nothing is going to stop me from feeling like a winner.
Paychecks, everyone!
NIKKI: Fantastic.
Oh, goody. You see, now, I'm going to take that money,
and I'm going to use it to buy maybe some furniture, a new coat...
Mama needs a manicure, pedicure, wax, and facial.
Okay, Mama needs to keep that stuff to herself.
Thanks.
Whoo hoo! I can buy...
Nothing good.
Ah.
Excuse me. Excuse me. You skipped me.
Uh, no, you already got yours.
I most certainly did not. I was standing over there.
No, no, earlier.
Earlier when?
Well, like, about an hour ago.
You were wearing that blue suit and that hat with the ear flaps.
You don't remember that?
Oh, yeah, that's right. I got the check,
I went out, cashed it, bought a new suit, had it altered,
came back here, all within an hour.
The guy that mugged you, robbed your apartment,
also picked up your paycheck.
Wow! Okay, you see? Hey, score one for the criminal, huh?
(CHUCKLES) Guy's killing me.
I wanted to thank you.
It's always nice when you get knocked down
to have someone on your team stand on your neck.
Mike, if it makes you feel any better, no one expected you to win.
Yeah, I'm thrilled, Stu. Why don't we go out and get a beer?
Back off, Sparky. If you can't handle it,
maybe you should take a couple of days off.
I can take care of things.
Boys, boys, what's all the ruckus?
You know, as a taxpayer, I'd like to think
that there were more productive ways
for the Mayor's staff to spend their time.
I say that every day, Mr. Donaldson.
Stuart, no one can talk and kiss ass at the same time like you.
I bet you can do it drinking a glass of water.
Ouch.
That was harsh.
Stuey, you've been dissed.
It's time you and I took a little walk,
had a nice little talk,
get to know one another.
I really don't like to be called Stuey.
Stuey's fine.
Stuey, do you like to read books?
You asked to see me?
Uh, yeah. Come in.
Awfully dark in here, isn't it, Flaherty?
(CHUCKLES) I get it.
You've read chapter four of my book,
"How to take control of a meeting."
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
Please. You're backlit.
You've got the letter opener
aimed directly at my heart.
Your hands are in the power tepee.
You've arranged everything in this room to make you appear to be
the biggest and most dominant thing in it.
I did nothing of the sort.
Comfy?
Actually, yes, and thoroughly intimidated,
but, you know, I've already won, so why am I here?
I wanted to give you one last chance.
To do what, gloat?
To do the right thing.
Are you still with the old people?
Mike, that ship has sailed.
Those old people are out on a deck playing shuffleboard.
All right, look...
No, you look, okay? I don't have time to play with you anymore.
They're going to award that new contract in about half an hour.
If you don't mind, I think I'm going to be the lucky one.
Hello, everybody.
Okay, I get it.
We're all playing "let's hate the billionaire."
Afternoon, Your Honor.
Stuart.
All right, what's going on here?
Ah-ha!
What the hell is that?
It's a tape of our little talk.
You know, Dan, if I didn't know that you were the kind of guy
who would rescue a retirement center just out of the goodness of his heart,
I might have to listen to this little tape...
Maybe along with some of our mutual friends...
Or the attorney general, huh?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Have a good day.
I suppose this is where you say, "touche."
Well, I don't speak French.
I do speak a little Italian.
Oh!
If any job opportunities open up,
please keep me in mind, sir.
You're quite an actor, Stu.
I mean, you were very convincing
as the angry, bitter underling with delusions of grandeur.
A bit of a stretch for you there.
I did a little theater in high school...
Caesar...
Guard number four.
So that was all acting?
I was in the moment.
You're out of it now.
(STRAINS) Didn't hurt.
Isn't this the exact same SportsCenter
you were watching a couple of hours ago?
Yeah. But emotionally I'm in a completely different place now.
What are you listening to?
Rancid?
Smashing Pumpkins?
Rancid Pumpkins?
Yeah, that's it.
You know, this is great.
You know, we're doing our own thing,
but we're together.
Yeah. It's called compromise.
Only one thing would make it perfect, though.
Please? Ready?
One, two, three...
(BOTH HUMMING SPORTSCENTER THEME SONG)