ANNOUNCER ON TV: And finally, special thanks
to Ashley Schaeffer for filling in today.
You guys are tough. I hope I didn't embarrass myself.
Well, you certainly didn't pull any punches with Harvey.
ANNOUNCER ON TV: So tune in next Sunday
when we have the regular group back,
here on Focus New York.
Hmm?
How good did you look on that TV show?
Mm. Well, let's not meet the press or anything,
but I think I did really, really well.
No. I mean, how good did you look on that TV show?
You are turning my first ever television appearance
into a sexual thing?
I'm trying to.
How nice.
Don't get me wrong. I think you're bright,
intelligent, articulate and you generally kick butt.
It's just an added bonus that...
I'm really turned on.
It is, is it? Oh, definitely.
You know, when I grew up watching TV,
I... I always fantasized about the women.
You know, Farrah Fawcett, Lynda Carter...
Betty Rubble...
She's a cartoon character, Mike.
She had a hot, little body.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Everybody have a good weekend?
Too lazy to even leave my apartment. You?
I actually paid guys to come over
to move the refrigerator closer to my couch.
Get yourself a bedpan.
You can lay down Friday night and call it a weekend.
Oh, Stuart, one day you're going to make some woman
very, very unhappy.
Mayor's approval ratings came out.
And? (IMITATES EXPLOSION)
Eh...
Ew...
I'd like to make a silly noise too,
but I don't know what these numbers mean.
It's actually a very predictable poll.
Goes up with good news, down with bad news.
What you want to watch out for is a long, steady...
drop. Ew...
This is the slump of all slumps.
They hate us. I don't understand it.
They elected us in. This wasn't a military coup.
All right, Paul. Let's see if we can start turning the tide
on this one, all right? We're going to introduce
our nominee for public schools chancellor,
Joel Bronsteen. He's an exceptional candidate,
so let's use him, okay?
Let's try to drum up a little excitement.
You got it, Mike.
This is going to be like an afternoon at the circus.
Nikki, Carter, throw together a focus group.
Let's find out what's on the minds of these people.
Well, this is exciting.
Chance to see democracy in action.
Allowing the citizens to speak directly
to the people responsible for governing them.
I'd like to be a part of that.
What?
No, nothing. I've just never seen
this side of you before.
This was the side that loved The Lion King, right?
Hey, Professor Bronsteen. Good morning.
Good morning, Michael. I hope I didn't get James here into any trouble.
I dragged him over to the Regency for breakfast.
Mike, $11 for two eggs.
Back in Wisconsin, I once bought a dozen eggs for 60 cents.
There were four double-yolkers.
I bet your family still talks about that.
See you later, James. Sure.
Jumping ship, egg boy?
What?
Kissing up to the new public schools chancellor.
Go work under him. Maybe leapfrog a few positions.
Gamble he's a candidate down the line.
Stuart, he was the dean of students at Columbia.
When I showed up freshman year,
I was this totally unsophisticated geek.
And he told you it was okay to be that way forever?
I just owe a lot to that guy.
That's fine. But you're in line behind me.
Remember that. You have got to know your place.
Stewie, fetch us another cup of coffee.
Chop-chop. Chop-chop.
Now remember, let's try to pump this up a little.
Mike, please, I'm a master at this.
Ladies and gentlemen, the Mayor.
What the hell was that?
What, are you kidding? I killed out there.
Good morning.
Now, as you all know, the retirement of
(IN SPANISH ACCENT) Raymond Rodriquez...
has left us with very large shoes to fill.
But we feel confident that we have found a worthy successor.
So, ladies and gentlemen, my nominee for the new public schools chancellor
Joel Bronsteen.
Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Good morning, everybody.
I think I'm a familiar face to most of you here,
and I understand you've already received a copy
of my proposal for curriculum reform.
So I don't really think I have anything to add at this time.
(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, boy. This is exciting.
The conventional wisdom is the public school system is beyond repair.
Why would you want to take this on?
(CHUCKLES) That's very funny.
My wife asked me that very same question last night at dinner.
(LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)
Actually, I myself am a product
of the New York public school system.
And I can think of no more worthy task
than restoring that great institution
to its former glory.
Dr. Bronsteen, this morning my station, Channel 10 news,
came into possession of a videotape
of a Grateful Dead concert from 1971
that shows you smoking marijuana.
Do you have any comment?
As I recall,
it was an excellent show.
(MAYOR LAUGHS ALONE)
Yeah. Okay.
Didn't you guys do a background check on Bronsteen?
Yes, but wouldn't you know it, no one ever thought to ask the question
"Have you ever smoked a doobie on film?"
Hi, I saw you on TV!
Katie Couric's got nothing on you!
Oh, thank you, Roberta.
I just can't believe the response I've gotten
from being on that show.
I mean, I have a byline in the paper,
what, four, five times a week?
And then I'm on TV once and I'm getting
phone calls from my parents, old roommates...
Even my high-school boyfriend called me.
That's a lot of calls.
And you won't believe this,
the local ABC affiliate wants me
to audition today.
You should do that. You'd be great.
What should I wear? My pinstripe suit, maybe?
Uh, yeah, that'd be... that'd be good.
I'll wear that new blue dress I got?
Uh, yeah, I like that one.
Or I could just go as a pirate.
You know, eye patch... sword, hook...
Yeah, that'd work.
(SIGHS) Wait, did you say something about a hook?
You caught me.
Sorry, honey. I'd... I'd love to enjoy this with you,
but I just... I can't stop thinking,
how do I keep the Mayor from becoming a centerfold
in High Times magazine.
It's okay. Just wish me luck.
Oh, luck? You don't need luck. You're gonna kill 'em.
Wait a minute. What high school boyfriend? (DOOR SHUTS)
James is waiting in your office.
He's with Professor Bronsteen.
I hope you put him in the nonsmoking section.
Michael. I just wanted to tell you
How sorry I am about everything that has happened.
I mean, I didn't even know a tape existed.
It was 25 years ago. (SIGHS)
Yet on television, it looks like yesterday.
Another miracle of videotape.
Now, Michael, I know we're both in a pretty tight spot here,
but if you're game, I'm ready to fight this.
Oh, we're game.
In fact, I'll bet we've already got a game plan.
Uh, yeah, there will be a nice show of support.
We'll make a few calls.
We've even got a few public service announcements planned.
Public service announcements? Yeah, yeah, you know,
like, "Stay off drugs.
Take it from someone who's been there."
We're still working on it. I think I understand.
Joel. Michael.
Don't you worry about a thing, sir.
We're going to get going on this thing right away.
Mike is a genius at things like this.
I can tell.
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)
Man, that was great seeing you guys together.
You two are, like, the biggest influences in my life...
and I'm embarrassing you.
Let me go get started on these announcements.
Well, I've got one.
Bronsteen will put a chicken in every pot...
And also put some pot in every chicken.
Little joke there.
We're gonna do this.
(SIGHS)
Thanks, Mike.
You really are the best.
I do understand the board of education's position, ma'am,
but seriously, if you consider the time frame involved
and the nature of Professor Bronsteen's offense,
I mean, it's really...
It's really no worse than a speeding ticket.
And... And we've all gotten our share of speeding tickets, right, ma'am?
Really?
Spotless record?
Congratulations.
Well, actually, it's more like a parking ticket.
Not a one.
Wow. You do... You... You drive a car, ma'am?
Okay. Great. Well, what Professor Bronsteen did,
it's really a lot like...
Driving a car.
I really don't know how, ma'am.
Why are you still doing this?
It's a long story.
Mike, we've got a list of ten other candidates,
All of them as qualified as Bronsteen,
and I'll bet at least seven of them have never smoked pot.
Not on film anyway.
Hell, Jenkins is 85.
Worst case there, he's addicted to Metamucil.
You are so sensitive, Stuart.
We ought to send you out to the senior citizen's homes.
Hey, I'm just trying to help. You have fun tonight.
Hey, Stuart? Yeah.
Got a copy of that list?
I thought you'd never ask.
The Mayor's in your office, Mike.
Nikki, we got the latest approval ratings?
Right here, Mike.
No. This is a mistake.
These are the disapproval ratings.
How bad can it be this time? Oh...
Morning, sir. This focus group report
you guys gave me is ridiculous,
and I, for one, am not going to pander
to the whims of a few disgruntled... Hoo-ah.
But... but they want to change my hair.
Nothing drastic, sir.
Just a slow, gradual fade to a more youthful brown.
So it's about age.
Not age, sir. Perception of age.
Look at Dick Clark. Uh-huh.
Not a gray hair on his head,
and he's as popular today as he was 100 years ago.
They don't like my gestures, my cadence...
my height.
Are you sure they have the right Randall Winston here?
Actually, sir, they prefer Randy.
Only two people in my life have ever called me Randy.
My wife and my...
basketball coach.
Still rings in my ears.
"Hey, Randy, go back door."
I'm guessing that was your coach.
Look, sir, I know these seem like superficial issues,
but you've seen the numbers, and as crazy as it seems,
if we don't do something to boost your public image,
everything we're working towards is in serious jeopardy.
(KNOCK ON DOOR)
Excuse me. Mike? I'm sorry.
The press is on me like locusts,
and every question's about Bronsteen.
Did he inhale? Did he exhale?
Did he roll his own, or did he smoke it out of a gong?
Please. Just consider these suggestions.
Yeah, but too tall. How do I work with that?
All right. Look, this office does not revolve
around one man's adolescent indiscretions.
There are other more positive things
we are focusing on here.
We're opening a new subway station today.
James, do you have that speech?
All right. Uh...
"As you shuffle down into this gaping hole..."
"To be driven into a dark abyss,
try not to be overwhelmed by the insignificance of your life."
Say, that's inspiring.
Sorry, Mike. I guess I'm a little depressed.
Look, James, you can't let this Bronsteen thing
affect your work. Mike, this is completely unfair.
We're letting a guy get raked over the coals
for something that happened over 20 years ago.
There's not a lot we can do about it.
You said there'd be a show of support for him.
Yes, yes, a show of support.
Not actual support.
That's why they call it a show.
You seen Cats?
Those are not real cats.
You're telling me you don't feel the least bit guilty about any of this?
Feel? I...
This is politics, James. I receive.
I sense the mood of the public,
I respond, I shape it.
I don't have time to feel.
So that's the way it works?
That's the only way it works.
Mike, I lost you there on "sense the mood of the people."
How does that work?
MAN ON TV: Okay. Look at the red light on the camera.
And action.
See that? You haven't even said a word
and already I'm loving it.
MAN ON SET: Action actually, please.
You still haven't said a word.
And yet, I'm still riveted.
You do eventually speak, right?
Could I just get some water, please?
Thank you.
Oh. Oops-a-daisy.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Uh...
Police today apprehend the...
Oh... I'm sorry...
Do I say my name first or...
MAN ON SET: Cut! No, I...
Hey.
Great.
Bravo. Bravo.
Uh, nice try, Mike.
No, no. Come on. There was a rawness there. A humanity.
People want to watch the news and they wanna say,
"Hey, I could do that too."
And you gave that to them.
You think I should try again? They offered me another audition.
They did? Of course they did.
Yeah, what do you think?
Well, I think that you should do
what-whatever it is you think you should do.
Come on. I want your opinion.
Mine?
Do you see anyone else in the room?
No.
I wish I did.
Okay. I-I think that... (STUTTERING)
You-You should go for it.
Seriously, and I should just pick up
and leave the job at the paper that I love?
No. You know what? No.
No, you love that paper.
You should stay there forever and ever.
Yeah, but if this is like the greatest opportunity
of my life, you know?
(MOUTHS) Uh...
This is unbelievable. You're not even trying.
What, are you kidding me? I'm working my ass off here.
Mayor in yet this morning, Janelle?
Not yet.
Listen, James, I'm sorry about...
Don't even worry about it. It's nothing.
Great.
Nice suit. We have a problem with the certificate
we're supposed to give to the transit authority employee of the month.
(SARCASTICALLY) Problem? Us? You got to be kidding.
They just arrested the employee.
Apparently, he masterminded
a four million dollar token laundering scheme.
How'd they catch him?
Uh, his wife turned him in.
So now it's the transit authority...
Spouse of the month.
My thought exactly. Thanks.
You got that, Carter?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
Mike, I need your help here.
Yeah. What you got?
Chief Nader. He says the fire department
won't co-sponsor the Mayor's neighborhood safety program.
All right, tell you what.
Rewrite the proposal. Call it the "Nader initiative."
Tell him we're willing to let him take credit for it
as long as he stays on the team.
Nader's a really sweet old guy.
He's just concerned about his own job security.
Yeah, well, he should be.
You tell him he keeps yanking us on this thing,
he's going to find himself out on the street.
The man's either with us or against us. Period.
(STUART WHEEZING)
(IMITATING DARTH VADER) Obi-Mike has taught you well,
but, Luke, I am your father.
T minus 30 minutes.
Mike, any change on our position on Bronsteen?
No. No, we, uh, we still... We got to let him go.
But, uh, we're going to do it gently.
We're going to go to bat for him.
We're going to highlight His long and distinguished
career as an educator, And you know, remember,
he's still a friend of this administration.
Whoa. Whoa.
What're you talking about? We got to dump this guy.
Excuse me? Well...
I hate to interrupt your little violin solo,
but in case you haven't noticed,
we've been taking on water.
This guy Bronsteen's just an anchor, Mike.
He's dragging us down.
James, look, I know that's not how you feel about the guy...
I'm sorry. Feel?
I thought we went over this, Mike.
This is politics. We really don't have time to feel.
What happened to old James?
I miss him. I want him back.
(IMITATING DARTH VADER) You can't have him back.
He's come over to the dark side,
and together we shall rule City Hall as father and son.
Hey, James. What?
Easy, young Skywalker.
I come in peace.
Want a drink? I'm buying.
Fine. I'll take a rum and coke.
Since when do you drink rum?
Okay. Just a coke.
Two cokes, please.
Why don't you take off your tie and relax a little?
Mike, I'm comfortable.
When was the last time you wore one of those?
At my sister's wedding.
She's been married several times. I'm getting used to it.
Is this your first real job, James?
Oh, God. Did you come over here to fire me, Mike?
No. I usually do that sort of thing over the phone.
I remember my first real job.
It was in the office of this, uh,
this state senator from Brooklyn.
My first day at work,
this little old lady comes in.
She's like, this big.
No. I swear to God. I held her in the palm of my hand the whole time.
Anyway, she's really mad because she's got this streetlight
outside her bedroom window, and it keeps blinking.
"Blink, blink, blink all night long. It's driving me crazy."
So anyway, she wants it fixed.
She doesn't care if it's on or off. She just, you know...
not with the blinking.
So what happened?
Oh, I don't remember.
That's a beautiful story.
My point is this, James.
Every morning in this city, eight million people wake up,
They go to their faucets, they turn them on,
They want to see clean, clear, fresh water coming out of there.
They want, you know, safe streets,
they want clean subways,
they want good football teams,
and when they don't get them, they get mad.
And when they get mad, they come to me.
Mike?
The water in my faucet comes out brown.
This is what I'm saying. So...
So if I were to take all the brown water
and all the blinking lights...
If i were to take all that personally,
I would probably be very, very sad most of the time.
But, Mike...
It's really, really brown.
James, take it up with your super.
You don't have any time to feel?
I get happy, sad, and hungry.
Every once in a while I'll let a little something else slip through.
Bronsteen?
Maybe.
Mike, it's just such a damn shame.
Well, James, you're going to carry that pain with you
a lot longer than I am...
Because you're different than me.
And, uh, that's ok.
Sometimes I wish, uh, I was different from me.
Really?
(SLOWLY EXHALES)
Nah.
(GRATEFUL DEAD'S TRUCKIN' PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)
ASHLEY: Look, Mike, I know you're excited
that I got the job, but this is ridiculous.
MIKE: Oh, come on, come on. One more time.
Mike... Please.
ASHLEY: No, that's enough.
MIKE: Ashley. Ashley.
ASHLEY: You are sick, you know that?
There's something very wrong with you. MIKE: Mm-hmm.
ASHLEY: Oh, for God's sake. All right.
This is Ashley Schaeffer reporting live
for Channel 10 news.
Today police are investigating the disappearance
of more than two million dollars
in municipal funds
from a Nassau county armor truck
MIKE: Oh, baby!