Whoa. Wrong apartment.
No. I live here.
We're your neighbors. I'm Maria.
I'm Yale. Apartment 2B. Or not 2B.
That is the question. Yeah, I get it.
That's... That's funny.
"Whether 'tis nobler in the mind
"to suffer the slings and arrows
"of outrageous fortune, or..." Ashley.
Hey, honey. So, you... You met.
MIKE: We met, yeah.
Yeah, they live upstairs. They're in 2B. Yeah, I know.
Or not 2B. That is the question.
Yeah, I'll tell her later. She'll laugh.
Yeah, so anyway, Yale and Maria, they just stopped by,
because they have these couple extra tickets
to this documentary.
It's on the collapse of the ecosystem in Brazil.
And I told them we probably couldn't make it.
But they persisted and persisted,
and persisted until I finally agreed
that it would be really fun for the both of us,
so we're going.
(WHISPERING) I'm sorry.
Plus, I speak fluent Portuguese,
so it will be like having your own personal tour guide
right there along, next to you.
Oh, Yale, buddy, you don't even have to sugarcoat it.
Because the ecosystem is, like, right up there for me.
But I work for the Mayor's office, unfortunately,
and we are right in the middle of a crisis.
What kind of crisis?
Crisis. Crisis, just...
Where'd I put that crisis?
(ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS)
STUART ON MACHINE: Mike, Garfield is kicking our butt all over TV again.
Thought you might be interested. See ya.
Well, alas, my hands are tied.
I must go,
so, uh... I'll just take a rain check.
A rain check on the rain forest.
I made a funny.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome.
This is so exciting.
It's my first Sunday emergency.
See you've paid your final dues on your geek membership.
Everybody here yet? Not yet.
Well, that's cool.
All right, what's going on?
I have one day off a week,
I'd prefer not to spend it at work.
Whoa. Whoa. Heads up.
Nikki, is there something you'd like to share with us?
He's my sister's.
I don't have time for a life of my own,
so I borrow one on Sundays.
You were playing basketball?
No, I was bowling.
I looked like an idiot.
What I meant was... What you meant was,
you're surprised I play basketball
because I'm a gay man, but, you see, Stuart,
I'm also a black man...
So, it's really just a battle between your archaic stereotypes.
Which one's winning?
Well, it looks like everybody's here except Paulie,
so no reason we shouldn't start.
I am not just the ex-mayor.
I am a New Yorker, and I care deeply about this city.
I just wish I was confident that the current mayor felt the same way.
Blah, blah, blah. He's been going on like that for over an hour.
(BABY-TALKING) That's bad. Very bad.
Very, very, very, very, very bad.
Okay, we got to do something to quiet Garfield down.
So anybody got any ideas?
Everyone has skeletons, Mike.
I could whip you up a smear campaign.
Mmm-muah!
I love that about you, Stuart.
We're going to take the high road on this one.
Oh, don't pout.
What do you think, Nikki? What do we know about this guy?
Mmm, huge ego. Totally self-involved.
Likes to see his name on things.
Okay. We'll just give him something, then.
So that's your brand of politics?
You're just going to buy his support?
Carter, in ancient Rome, they would call it an homage.
We'd give Garfield a jug of wine, a horse... A virgin.
Problem solved.
I can find him two out of three right here in this office.
Just got to slap his name on something.
Nikki, that baby got a name yet?
How about a Garfield street?
Nah. Too expensive.
How about a lovable, orange cartoon cat?
MIKE: You're not helping.
What about a fountain?
James, that's brilliant.
A fountain? You sure?
'Cause I can have pictures of him with a hooker by 7:15.
A fountain it is. Meeting adjourned. Let's go get a beer.
Ah, get a beer.
PAUL: Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Where's everybody going?
Meeting's over, Paulie. You missed it.
No, I was on the Throgs Neck Bridge when I got your beep.
Over 20 miles. I can't feel my thighs.
Anyone want to hold little Buckey?
(ALL NAY-ING)
I'm afraid I might drop him.
What's going to happen with you guys
when you have your own kids?
I'm going to put a little handle on mine.
I'm kind of looking forward to being a father.
Really? CARTER: Sure.
Find the right guy, buy a house, settle down.
Ah, that'd be nice.
I think we're looking at five future fathers of the year here.
NIKKI: Oh, yeah, right.
I bet you guys couldn't take care of a cocktail napkin.
What are you talking about?
NIKKI: Let's try an experiment.
I got 50 bucks against 10 from each of you,
that you each can't take one cocktail napkin,
bring it back to me in 48 hours,
well-cared for, nice and clean.
Give me that. STUART: All right.
All right.
You got to name them, so we know whose is whose.
I'm calling mine, Sheldon.
Apparently, Paul wants his napkin to get beat up a lot.
I'm naming mine Stuart.
What if it's a girl?
It's a napkin, and its name is Stuart.
And last night, it kicked Sheldon's ass.
Okay. Me and Tucker
have the next round.
Five beers.
Wow. Thought I'd find you here.
Hey, Ashley.
How was the documentary?
I cannot believe you bailed on me like that.
I got to tell you, it was an incredibly difficult decision, honey,
but the ship was going down, and I could only save one of us.
Whatever happened to women and children first?
Well, there comes a time in every man's life
when he's got to slap on a dress and jump in the lifeboat.
I just sat through three hours
of black-and-white footage of the rain forest disappearing.
I mean, I'm telling you that by the end,
I was actually rooting for the rain forest to be gone faster.
They're not here now, so the nightmare is over.
Uh, no, it's not.
See, the thing is,
they invited themselves over for dinner, tomorrow night.
You're killing me.
All right, look. We can get through this. We can get through this.
It's just one night,
in, then we're out, nobody gets hurt.
Okay. Pick up.
Hey.
No! Stuart!
You're out!
He was so young.
I just wonder why we're doing this for him, Michael.
I mean, Garfield's been slamming us pretty hard lately.
I know. We're just giving him a fountain, sir.
I have such mixed emotions about Garfield.
He's such a man of the people, larger than life, huh?
It's not jealousy. I just wish I had what he had.
You're the mayor now, sir, and don't forget that.
Yeah. I know that.
But still, when he's around,
I can't help feeling like I just disappear.
Good morning, Flaherty. Where's that boss of yours?
Abe. Randall.
You better firm that baby up a bit.
Yeah, look, the reason that we invited you down here...
Randall, open. Yeah.
You keep that.
When you're out with the people,
you need that minty breath.
Yeah, anyway, we're aware that you've been voicing some concerns lately,
and, well, we thought that we might...
Give me a fountain? I know. I love it.
It's a good start.
Mr. Mayor. Fong.
(SPEAKING MANDARIN) Good to see you, Mr. Mayor.
It's just Abe now. You know that.
Not to me. You'll always be mayor to me.
Thank you, my friend.
He's good.
You're better, sir.
Amigo, que pasa?
Como esta su novia carmela?
Oh, bien. Gracias. Gracias.
De nada. De nada.
Have a good one, Jesus.
(IN SPANISH ACCENT) It's Jesus.
(CLEARS THROAT) Jesus, sir.
Six months. He could have said something.
And so it ends as it began,
with us cleaning oil-soaked loons,
the littlest victims of the Exxon Valdez.
Fascinating. Fascinating stuff.
Can you believe the time? It's already 9:15.
Talk about burning the candle, huh?
You know, we have a whole bag of tapes.
I'm just going to run to the bathroom real quick,
you know, just splash some water on my face.
So we'll just pop one in, then, huh?
Oh, yeah. You go ahead, Yale.
Let's, uh...
Let's see if we can actually make time stop.
Should we show the one of our hunger strike
or the one where we chained ourselves to the redwood trees?
Ooh, I don't know.
Mike?
Oh, you know, I'm not even comfortable
making that decision.
Uh, why don't you go ahead?
You just pick whichever one
is, uh, shorter.
Honey, we've got to get rid of them, okay?
You go out there. You tell them I'm sick.
I'll stay in here, and I'll make vomiting noises.
I don't think it's going to work.
I mean, they probably have herbal remedies with them.
I was actually with them for the first couple of loons.
After that, I got it, you know.
They're oily, they're clean.
Have we not made it clear to them that we want them to leave?
Are you kidding me? I have done everything but rifle through their pockets,
looking for the three hours of my life they stole.
All right. All right. You know what?
We just got to ride this thing out.
Ashley, I don't want to alarm you...
So I'm not going to overstate this.
These people are out to destroy us.
I mean, look at them. Look at them watching our TV,
eating our food, drinking our water.
If we don't snuff this out, we might as well give them the keys,
'cause it's not our place, it's theirs.
(TELEPHONE RINGING) (WHIMPERS)
YALE: I got it!
Oh, my God. We're too late.
No, no, no. We can do this, together.
I love you, Ashley.
I'll never leave your side.
All right. Here we go.
That was your editor.
He said it was no big deal.
You could call back whenever you want.
Oh, it sounds bad. Got to go.
Oh, no.
So the actual fountain will look just like this, only much, much bigger.
Well, on the plus side,
when the dedication's over, he can just take it home with him.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
It is my pleasure to introduce the mayor of New York,
the honorable Randall Winston,
and the formerly honorable Abe Garfield
who was... Who was the mayor.
As mayor of this city, it's my distinct pleasure
to officially pronounce this the Abe Garfield fountain.
(APPLAUSE)
Mayor Winston, what did you wish?
Uh, to be reelected. What else?
Uh, Mayor Garfield, what was your wish?
That New York remain the greatest city in the world,
that we set the standard for culture and compassion,
for life and liberty,
not to mention, the best pastrami known to man.
(LAUGHTER)
Mike, can I have another penny?
PAUL: Thank you all very much.
Well, gentlemen, that was quite a moving ceremony,
to see two great leaders of this city come together...
Did you really think you could buy me off with this birdbath?
That was the plan. Yeah.
I've had martinis bigger than this.
This is an insult.
You of all people should know how difficult this job is.
But no, no, no. You play the critic.
You do the talk-show circuit.
Well, you know what it does?
It just proves to me that you're nothing
but a vain, petty, self-centered... (THUDS)
...egomaniacal...
Why are you lying down?
MIKE: Somebody get an ambulance!
It's so weird to see the flag at half-mast.
(CLICKS TONGUE) I can't believe he's gone.
Sir, we should probably work up some sort of statement.
I killed him, Mike. I killed him dead.
Well, that's a good starting point.
I think we should probably soften it a little.
The other day,
I watched Abe walk these hallways,
patting strangers on the back, speaking flawless Cantonese,
and you know what I wished?
I wished that he were gone,
I wished that he weren't here. (SIGHS)
It's not quite the same as wishing he were dead.
I wished that, too.
Oh, boy.
You know, he gave me this
and a little sage advice.
Garfield was an older man.
He had a history of heart problems.
No, no, Mike. My words cut him down.
And the guilt is so heavy. It's so oppressing.
I need to atone. I just need to tell the world.
MIKE: All right, I know you're hurting, sir.
What you want to do is you want to take all that hurt
and all that pain, and all that confusion
and all those overwhelming feelings, and you want to just
bottle them right up.
Morning, sir.
Yes, I am, son.
The whole city is.
(SOFTLY) I'm sorry.
Okay.
How's he doing, Mike?
He blames himself.
Why, just because he yelled at the old guy till he dropped dead?
Let me make this perfectly clear for everybody.
What happened between the mayor and Garfield was not an argument.
It was merely an animated discussion that quite suddenly
became unanimated.
They had a candlelight vigil at the fountain last night.
Hundreds showed up.
Of course, only five people could fit around it at one time.
They had the vigil in shifts.
I think they're still going.
This is a tough time.
A beloved man has passed on to his great reward,
and people are going to be a little upset.
Garfield esta muerto!
Por que?
Sheesh!
Let me just say that Abe Garfield was a good man,
and a good mayor, and for this, he will be missed.
He was a good friend. We knew him well.
So today, our love goes out to his wife,
our thoughts and prayers, to his children.
Garfield didn't have any children.
Then the thoughts and prayers go to the wife, too.
Will there be some kind of memorial service for Garfield?
Yes, yes.
The ex-mayor will be honored and remembered for his years of public service.
Now, will mayor Winston be delivering a eulogy at the memorial?
Yes and no.
Let me just clarify that.
Yes, the mayor will be speaking.
But then again, maybe he won't. Who knows?
Right now, the only thing that we can say
is that ex-mayor Garfield is in fact still dead.
MIKE: (WHISPERING) Think they heard us?
ASHLEY: (WHISPERING) I don't know. Take off your shoes.
Yeah. Good idea.
Oh, and while we're at it,
why don't you take off your clothes?
What?
I'd take off mine except for the fact that we're prisoners in our own home.
Can you please try to focus on the issue at hand here?
Hey, I'm not the one who invited these two circus freaks into our life.
Oh, so you're saying it's my fault?
Yeah, I'm definitely saying that.
You're just going to wash your hands clean of the whole situation?
You know, I'd love to, but Yale's probably in the damn bathroom!
(BOTH SHUSHING)
(SIGHS)
We have to reclaim our lives.
Okay. Listen,
I have some friends
with the police department.
I can have him arrested on trumped-up drug charges.
It's too big.
Yeah. I think one of us just needs to talk to them.
They'd probably only do five, 10 years.
You're right. You're right. You're right. I'll talk to them.
I mean, we're adults.
We shouldn't have to be afraid of these people.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
MARIA: Mike? Ashley? Hello.
(SOFTLY) Don't move.
(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
YALE: Come on. We saw you from the street.
What happened to the speech I had James write?
Oh, uh, yeah.
I had James make one or two changes
just for stylistic purposes.
Well, what happened to the part about the blood on my hands?
Sir, you can't go up to that podium
and say that you killed Abe Garfield.
I mean, I might be wrong,
but I think that could hurt us in the polls.
This isn't about politics, Mike.
This is about taking responsibility.
(SIGHS)
It's about being a man.
Oh!
Ow. That hurt.
Oh.
MAYOR: Abe Garfield was a good man.
I must admit...
No, I must confess that...
I'm sorry. I can't go on.
You okay, Paul?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm just proud to be working for a man
who's just not afraid to show his feelings to the world.
It will be okay, Paul.
You just need...
You just need to give me 10 bucks.
What?
Your baby napkin.
Oh, sugar.
Well, Tucker went through the wash.
Here's my 10 bucks.
We'll divert the rest of his college fund
towards another round of drinks.
Where's yours, James?
Oh, my God, where's my baby?
Where's my baby? I had the baby at the office.
I brought the baby to the bar.
I put the baby on the table.
Stuart asked me if he could see the baby.
(BLOWS NOSE)
Ten bucks.
I believe (CLEARS THROAT)
you have something that belongs to me.
Mmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Carter, I'm sure you've heard it 1,000 times.
All the good ones are either married or...
I know. I know.
I made such a fool out of myself.
No, sir. You thoroughly honored Garfield's memory.
I was moved.
Everybody in the whole park was moved.
I mean, you cried, sir.
(SIGHS)
That wasn't me, Mike.
That was the Binaca talking.
Garfield.
You know, strange, isn't it?
How could I have missed my mouth?
Happens to a lot of people.
You know, the little nozzle gets bent.
But how incredible was that timing, huh?
Pretty damn good.
There I was, about to confess...
To something that wasn't your fault.
And this little canister stopped me.
Do you believe in signs, Mike?
Depends.
I think that Garfield saved me from myself.
Then, yes, I definitely do believe in signs.
We owe him one.
Mmm.
Open up, Abe.
Oh, my God.
MARIA: (ON TV) This is the hunger strike.
You know something though...
I'm really starting to enjoy this.
I can't understand what you mean... Shh!
This is my favorite part.
YALE: (ON TV) Oh...
Oh...
I'm so hungry.
Oh, Yale, that's great.
Popcorn?