ASHLEY: I can't believe you agreed to do this interview.
Why not? It's a new magazine show.
They want to do a piece on the man behind the mayor.
That's me.
It's not journalism, Mike.
Well, I'd watch it.
What do you think of this?
Too "Aren't I dashing?"
Okay.
Will you just explain to me why you are news?
I am news because I'm so good at my job
that people like you, who are supposed to report the news,
have no real news to report.
How about this one?
Too thought out.
Too "I left my more dashing tie in the closet."
Wow.
It's nothing personal. I just think it's a silly story.
Let me tell you something, missy.
In the history of New York City,
there's been one mayor whose approval ratings were higher.
His name was Louis Bundt. It was 1622.
The population was 75.
It was Thanksgiving, and he owned a turkey farm.
I believe you can do the math.
Aren't you being just a little cocky?
I'm just at the top of my game.
I'm just... I... I...
I'm making no mistakes.
I see a problem, I solve it.
How about this?
Your old girlfriend gave you that tie.
Problem solved.
It's so easy!
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
Camera crew here yet?
Yeah, they're in your office setting up.
What happened to your tie?
Thought I'd go without one.
You don't like it?
It's too "Look at me,
"I'm the only guy cool enough
"not to wear a tie."
Mayor's speech for tonight,
minutes of the city council meeting,
and Paul.
Paul.
Good morning, Michael!
I'm not sure you remember me,
so I thought I'd introduce myself.
Paul Lassiter,
I'm the mayor's press secretary.
You hired me, if that helps.
You're upset because I invited
the camera crew in, is that it?
Ah, my little game exposed.
You see right through me, don't you?
Look, Mike, I just... I don't trust these people.
Why do they want to interview you?
Because I'm that good.
Why doesn't anybody get this?
All right, okay. Look.
At least promise me this.
You'll lock her in your room.
You'll give her one hour of your time,
And you run into any problems,
You just call in big daddy.
Paul, no matter how hard you try,
no one's ever gonna call you big daddy.
You don't know that.
Do me a favor, all right?
Go into your office, take a deep breath.
Have a piece of fruit, a bowl of oat bran,
whatever the hell it is you eat,
and relax, all right?
All right. She talks only to you, okay?
Okay, just... At least give me that, please.
She's not going to hear from just me.
She's gonna want to know what everybody thinks...
about me.
I'm the number two man in the office.
I should be number one,
but they gave it to Mike.
I think it's because he has better hair.
I was really excited when Mike offered me this job.
You know, I was always really good at math,
but I didn't want to end up in some boring job,
like an accountant or a bookkeeper.
GWEN: So, what do you do?
Mostly accounting and bookkeeping.
I really... I love numbers.
You know, numbers make sense.
They don't lie.
They don't lead you the wrong way.
They don't tell you they'll come over for dinner
and then they don't show up,
So you get depressed, you go out for a cup of coffee.
Then you see them walking down the street with another woman...
smiling, happy.
I'm sorry, what were we talking about?
You don't want to answer any of my questions?
I have nothing to say.
Well, after I ran the mayor's campaign for him,
he brought me aboard as deputy mayor.
It's a big responsibility,
But I'm just doing the best I can.
Are you ready to begin?
Oh, the interview.
Oh, I...
I, uh...
I-I completely forgot.
We'll just wing it.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, let's see. Um...
How did you get your start at City Hall?
Well, after I ran the mayor's campaign for him,
he brought me aboard as deputy mayor.
It's a big responsibility, but I'm...
And I'm just doing the best I can.
Well, you guys are sure riding high right now.
If we get any higher, we're gonna need
clearance from our local airports,
"Wink at her and laugh."
Oh, I'm sorry. I just wanted to drop off...
Karen, please, come in.
We're just doing a little interview here.
This is Karen Palmieri,
one of the interns I've hired.
I think it's important to keep in touch
with what young people are thinking and feeling.
So Karen, what is on the mind of young America?
I don't know.
Okay, honey, we're just doing a little interview.
KAREN: Okie-dokie.
Oh...
Okie-dokie.
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, I'm sorry. Where were we?
Do you mind if I ask you some personal stuff?
No, go. Go ahead. Shoot.
You're a local boy.
That's right, born and bred,
Stuyvesant High School, Fordham University.
City's in your blood.
No city like it, the big banana.
Apple.
(CHUCKLES)
I need a minute. It's important.
Oh, we'll step out.
No, that's all right. You can stay.
Go ahead, Carter. Shoot.
Are we gonna stand idly by
while AIDS continues to ravage our city?
Why don't you take a five?
I'm gonna go get some coffee.
Does anybody want some?
James?
Oh, I uh...
Uh, coffee turns my stomach.
And the correct answer to that question was...
The correct answer was
"I'd love coffee. Sleep with me now."
I think our fair miss Gwen has a crush on you, James.
What? She does not.
Yeah. Didn't you see?
She adjusted her bra strap when she said your name.
Excuse me? Yeah.
You say a guy's name,
then you hitch yourself up a little.
You know, it draws the attention to the breasts.
And you do that?
I'm not proud of it.
All I'm saying is that
the city is putting up its AIDS prevention pamphlets again.
That money would be much better spent
on a more aggressive campaign
where we institute a needle exchange program.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Will you stop with the needles?
Nobody gets upset when you hand out pamphlets
because it's almost impossible
to inject narcotics with a pamphlet.
The savings to the city in hospital related costs...
I can't... I can't do it, Carter.
I mean, it'll look like the mayor is condoning drug use,
And we are in a war against drugs, in case you haven't noticed.
Is this the same war we've been fighting the last 40 years?
Yep. How are we doing?
Any day now.
Mike, you brought me in here by saying
I could make some changes,
And yet you reject every proposal that I make.
Politics is a game of base hits.
You keep swinging for home runs.
I've been here three weeks.
I've put my name on my desk
And switched the office to decaf.
That's the sum total of my accomplishments.
I'm drinking decaf?
GWEN: When did Mike hire you?
About a month ago.
GWEN: And you're gay?
Except for one night in college, but I was drunk.
I'm not trying to pry.
I was just wondering if being gay
gets in the way of...
What is your position here?
Special assistant on minority affairs.
And what exactly do you do?
Apparently, nothing.
Where's the camera guy?
There...There... There's no camera guy.
I sent him home.
Is that right?
Is that safe?
(GIGGLES)
I'm very attracted to you, James.
That's not a question.
Everyone else got questions.
Maybe it's this assignment.
Maybe it's City Hall.
Maybe it's you, James.
But for the first time in my life,
I feel completely in control.
(CHUCKLES)
I... I can see that.
I want you, James.
Oh, dear God.
Can I get the tape of this?
MAYOR: And so, with the creation
of these 34,000 new jobs,
we feel we're at least taking the first step
towards one of our main goals for this city,
job creation.
We made many promises when we came into office,
and we're gonna keep the ones we can.
What?
All right, any other questions?
Nothing?
That's music to my ears.
If that's all you people have, I have one last thing
that I'd like to share with you.
This is a hypodermic needle.
Who said that?
Now, about 40% of all new AIDS cases
in the city can be traced back to contaminated needles.
Now that adds up to about $24 million a year
in AIDS related health care costs.
So I'm issuing an executive order.
You bring in a dirty needle
to any New York City health care clinic,
and you get a clean one free!
(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Aren't you concerned that this policy
is gonna create the impression
that you're soft on drugs?
I mean, you're proposing that we use city funds
to provide paraphernalia to drug addicts.
Michael, take this needle away from me,
would you, please?
Yeah, that's right. No comment.
Yeah, I was there.
Yes, I heard him say that,
And yet, I still have no comment.
Honey, no offense,
but I really hate the press.
It's all right. I understand.
Let's get ready for bed.
I've got to wake up really early tomorrow.
How come?
I want to get to City Hall
before all the free needles are gone.
Cute.
You through?
Can I have one more?
No.
All right. I'll stop needling you.
You know, it's really nice to have
such a strong base of support at home.
Oh, honey, I'm just having some fun.
I mean, you know you'll have a rough time for a few days,
And then it'll just... It'll all blow over.
Come on, let's watch your interview.
I don't wanna.
It'll cheer you up.
Yeah, right. Anyway, It was supposed to be on after the weather.
They keep talking about a cold snap in Sri Lanka.
What is this?
You're on the weather channel, Michael.
Jeez.
Hey, there I am.
Oh, look how cute you are.
I am not.
You are.
Oh, go on.
You are, you are.
Everybody knows that, and I love you.
Shh. Turn it up. Turn it up.
MIKE: (ON TV) Yep, I love the big banana.
Apple. (LAUGHS)
That's good.
Yeah, you always want to make 'em laugh.
It's very savvy.
GWEN: (ON TV) And your girlfriend's a reporter?
Oh, she's a great reporter, One of the best.
GWEN: So how does that work
with your job being so politically sensitive?
Do you think she ever makes exceptions for you?
MIKE: I hope so.
Why do you think I'm dating her?
(BOTH LAUGHING ON TV)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER ON TV)
Oh, no.
Ah. You wanted to see me?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's no big deal.
I was wondering if you could just help me
get this knife out of my back.
It's... It's weird
'Cause I can't reach it,
So I know I didn't put it there.
You gonna lecture me now or is that it?
'Cause my decaf's getting cold. I wanna...
Sit down, Carter. I'll stand.
Fine, then stand.
I'll sit.
Well, this is fun.
Oh, it's more than fun.
We've answered a great philosophical question.
If the deputy mayor speaks in his office
and there are no cameras there to hear it,
does he make a sound?
All right, I was a little distracted yesterday.
That does not justify you putting
your own personal agenda
ahead of the mayor's best interests.
This issue deserves a little noise.
As far as I'm concerned,
It was a huge victory just getting the mayor
to publicly speak out on the subject.
You set the guy up.
And now he's gonna go out
and get beat up by the press,
and do you know why?
Because he's a good man,
Because he cares, because he trusted you.
(CLEARS THROAT) What do you want from me?
I think an apology is in order.
And then I would like you to say
that the exchange program was your idea, retract the whole thing.
Where are you going? Come back here. Stop!
Stay!
Sit!
That's right, you just keep walking, pal!
I'm telling you, there's out of the loop,
And then there's out of the loop.
Imagine how pleased I was
when you allowed the mayor to practically
shoot up in front of the press.
Please, Paul. I'm not feeling real loved right now.
For what it's worth,
I thought you looked great on TV last night.
Very cute.
Yeah, me, too.
I wanted to scoop you right up.
(LAUGHING) And that thing
that you said about Ashley...
Whoa, boy!
I'll be quiet now.
Morning, guys. I made cookies for everyone.
What the hell are you so cheerful about?
Nothing. Just very happy to be here.
That look, I know that look.
You had sex last night.
James, good work.
Was there a woman involved?
It was Gwen, wasn't it?
You're right, that works.
I'm strangely drawn to you.
Oh, great, great.
You're sleeping with a reporter.
Why don't we all sleep with reporters?
We can start a press outreach program.
What's... What's so bad?
Listen, James, uh...
You can't see this girl anymore.
What?
You're forbidding me to see her?
It's for your own good. You'll thank me later.
Mike, you date a reporter.
I mean, this is a total gyp! Why?
Why? Because I said so, that's why.
Now go to your desk.
Well, this is so totally unfair!
You just bought yourself a day without television.
Throw in an overweight, drunken mother,
and that's my childhood.
Hey, can I sit down?
Yeah, sure.
I know that you're probably
upset with me right now,
and you have every reason to be.
Mike, it was a stupid, insensitive thing to say.
It was. It was a stupid, insensitive thing to say.
And I know you love me
and you would never try to hurt me.
I do, I love you, I would never try to hurt you.
'Cause I know that you respect me
as a woman and as a reporter.
Okay, you've got to stop now,
'cause you're stealing all my best stuff.
Honey, I came here prepared to do some serious groveling.
I do like to see you grovel.
Well, would you like me to,
or do you want to do it for me?
What if there is some truth in what you said?
I mean, maybe I do take it too easy on you, you know.
Maybe I don't push as hard as I should
because I love you.
Well, that's... That's good.
No, Mike, that's bad.
You know, you're right, that's bad.
That's very bad.
You've completely turned me around on this.
I love my job, Mike. I need to be good at it.
You know, I need to be good at it
even when I don't want to be.
Come here.
You're gonna be fine.
You don't know what the hell I'm talking about, do you?
No, but you'll tell me later.
The program is dead.
It was a mistake and it was my fault.
But when you look at the statistics
and the staggering human cost,
you just want to do something.
But you see, I...
I never considered the down sides to this policy...
If you'll allow me, your honor.
The reason Mayor Winston never considered the down sides
was because I failed to tell him about them.
This policy was my baby.
I sold the mayor on it,
And so really I should take the blame.
Mr. Haywood, please, please.
Mr. Heywood.
Uh, I cannot allow Mr. Heywood
to take the fall for this.
It was simply my responsibility
to carefully review every proposal
submitted by staffers,
And I would have seen the inherent problems...
Mike, may I?
Now, of course, ultimately, the responsibility
falls onto my shoulders.
I am, after all, the elected official here.
But... but... But we all have a role to play.
Perhaps, if I had explained more clearly
what I was thinking.
Big daddy is not happy.
Give me that, give me that.
Mike, this is ridiculous.
The press are eating this up.
Well then, wrap it up.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Anyway, I... I think you can see
that what happened here
represents a breakdown in the bureaucracy
rather than a sensitive shift in overall policy
by the administration.
So, thank you all for coming.
You can catch our act at the holiday inn in Passaic.
Every night, 7:00 and 9:00.
Two drink minimum.
So uh, goodnight, drive safe, and God bless.
Can I close or what?
Uh, just one second, please.
I... I really enjoyed the show.
On a more relevant note,
I checked all the figures that you released yesterday,
and they're right on the nose.
So what changed?
I mean, are there facts we don't know about,
or is this simply a total lack of political courage?
I'm sorry, what was the first option?
Okay, honey, enough with the smiling.
(ASHLEY HUMMING)
And the humming.
Without the smiling and the humming, Mike,
I may be forced to skip.
Please don't. I can do it, Mike.
You know, I can ask the tough questions.
I can go for the jugular, even if it's yours.
Can't tell you how happy that makes me.
You were like a big Mike Flaherty pinata up there.
You know, we really...
We've gotta keep what happens at work
separate from our home life, all right?
There are other games we can play
with a blindfold and a stick.
Right, right.
We don't bring work into the house.
Absolutely. When we're in the house,
no work talk.
We'll talk about other things that interest us.
Well, that's never gonna happen.
We just need some new rules.
I mean, when are we a couple?
When are we at work?
All right.
Okay, I've got rule.
When we're naked...
boyfriend, girlfriend.
You okay with that?
So I would be well within the rules
to ask you a policy question
when I'm wearing this?
You can ask me anything you want.
Answer's always gonna be yes.
So, how long do you think it'll take you guys
to recover from the pummeling you got today?
Yes.
Oh god, yes.
Really, that quickly?
Oh, yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes,
A blanket yes.
ASHLEY: (GIGGLES) Don't you think you're being
mighty optimistic, Mr. Deputy Mayor?
MIKE: Honey, stop. You're breaking a rule already.
ASHLEY: I've still got one sock on!
(SCREAMS)
MIKE: Not anymore.
James.
Mike, you're here early.
Uh, I'm just finishing up this speech
for the borough president's meeting.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have used your office.
No, no, I'm glad you're here,
'cause I, uh...
I wanna apologize for yesterday.
Oh, no, no, no, that's not...
I was way out of line.
I have no right to tell you
who you can and can't date.
Oh, thanks, Mike. I'll see you later?
Even though I was totally unfair,
you were loyal to a fault.
Mike, you know me. Anything for the team.
You're not wearing any pants, are you, James?
No, Mike, I'm not.
I don't suppose you'd want to me to throw
this stapler at that curtain.
GWEN: Please don't, Mr. Flaherty.