I am the Lexx
I am the most powerful weapon of destruction in the two universes.
Lexx 2.09 791
If I only had a body,
I'd be more than just a head.
If I only had a body,
I would slap her on the bed.
If I only had a body,
If I -
If I only had a body,
I would be Xev's hunky man.
If I only had a body,
I would get to pummel Stan.
If I -
Oh, I was just dreaming.
Lyekka?
Hello Stanley.
It's wonderful to see you.
I was just dreaming of you in that outfit.
Hello robot. I have to eat - soon.
Well, see that's, that's a problem.
See, we're precisely in the middle of nowhere.
There's no-one out there, there's no-one to eat.
Except you -
so please Lyekka,
help yourself to security guard class appetiser -
and stay away from Xev, meat fiend!
You don't have to worry yet, Stanley.
I heard a signal.
That means there should be something else to eat nearby.
A signal? Why didn't you wake me?
It was a distress signal.
They only lead to trouble, so I always ignore them.
Yeah, well - yeah.
It is not a life bearing planet,,
therefore the distress signal must be coming from a life form that originated somewhere else.
Like people who might have crashed there?
Yes - for example.
Any atmosphere?
A very thin one.
Xev would require a pressure suit. Stanley would not.
Why not?
Because a pressure suit would allow you to continue to breathing, which is a bad idea.
A pressure suit would prevent the gas dissolved in your blood
from exploding in the thin atmosphere -
something I've been looking very forward to. A pressure suit...
Anyway - I'm not going anywhere.
What's the matter Stan - scared?
No, smart. I'm staying on the Lexx.
I have to go down to the planet now.
I'm very hungry.
So, we go down to the planet and rescue some crashed people, and then you just - eat them?
I will eat animals, if there are any.
But the people if that's all there is?
Yes.
I would never eat Kai, because Kai is dead.
You are my friends, so I prefer not to eat you,
but if I stay here I will have to.
What if I stop you?
How?
Kill you, perhaps.
I'm not so easy to kill.
Please - I need to go down to the planet now.
But I like her - well, when she's not hungry anyway.
I like you too Stanley.
She eats people.
Well, yeah, but -
Lyekka is a predator. I t is fundamental to her nature
to consume other living life forms, like you.
So you think we should leave her on the planet then?
Being dead means not having an opinion.
Well I think - I think we're stuck for now.
Maybe I'll decide to leave her
behind once we get down there.
Ah Xev, don't be so foolish. I mean, there's no need to go down - stay here, stay safe.
Xev are you listening?
Nope.
No. No.
We're close to the source of the distress signal now.
There it is.
Stan - Xev.
There's a crashed ship where that distress signal is coming from.
Be careful.
Sure, we will.
I've got a bad feeling.
Stay close to me! I can't see a thing.
I will.
Lyekka! Let's stay close together.
Lyekka! Lyekka?
How can we open this door?
I think from in there.
Clearly this airlock is controlled from behind that armoured glass..
That is highly unusual. We should return to the Lexx at once.
Maybe we should check out whatever's up there first.
The air is breathable in here Xev.
Are you sure?
Yes.
Some of the ship's systems are obviously still operating.
I don't know, this must be the bridge.
These are human hearts.
Yes. Their life support system is still functional.
The pilot, however, is not.
His head has been ripped off.
A robot.
A cyborg.
Machine from the lungs up. Mostly human from there down.
Goodbye, head.
Are you OK?
Fine.
Was there a human crew?
No sign of any.
Must have been a hard landing...
Yes - hard!
790?
What are you doing?
Oh, just running a quick scan of his thing - his systems!
Hmm. And?
He's completely dude - dead!
Totally non functional. Never. Useless. History.
Expired. Scrap. Done.
I could have sworn you were getting ideas.
Pardon me?
Oh - yes, well, of course I noticed the missing head,
but I determined immediately that it is beyond repair,
so I dismissed the dick - the idea of making him work again then and there.
What a shame. He's quite - a specimen.
I should try to analyse the ship's flight computer, don't you think?
After all, we want to know why it crashed.
You seem to.
My interest is purely academic.
This could take a little while - quite a little while,
in fact. I will have to learn how to work his - this, system.
Perhaps you -
Kai and I - will explore the rest of the ship, I guess.
Excellent idea.
I suggest that we begin with the rear section.
Call us if anything big comes up.
I will.
Be careful Xev.
I will.
I won't be too long.
OK, headless hunk of fantasy fulfilment.
Time to meet your new master.
I wonder why the two sections of the ship are so separate?
Talk to me.
Talk to me!
Yes!
Oh Xev - it's going to be magical.
It's going to be -
Bad. Very, very bad.
790, we're in front of the door to the rear section of the ship,
and we can't open it. Can you activate it from the bridge?
Thank you.
Some kind of electronic barrier?
It appears to be harmless.
I wonder what it's purpose is?
Shall we?
It doesn't look like much.
Let's make our way round.
That's right. Come on body,
come on!
Lean over now. Pick me up, here we go.
No, no, no! Come back here, you brawny servant of my soon to be requited passion!
Put me in my rightful place!
This appears to be the entire cargo.
Whatever's in there must be very valuable.
Or very dangerous.
Found anything?
An ovoid object.
Potentially an alien egg of some sort.
Now, gently. Gently!
Be careful.
There's movement inside.
Something alive.
790, are you there? 790?
790, can you hear me? Come in.
I'm right heeeeeeeeeeeerre!
Have you learned anything about the nature of this ship?
Not much.
Keep searching.
And see if you can turn on some more lights in this section.
I'll get right on it!
Stan, this is Xev. We've found somebody alive. There could be more
Somebody,
what kind of somebody?
A female somebody.
Female.
Is she attractive?
Is that all that matters to you?
Yeah, pretty much.
Bye, Stan.
No, wait, wait!
Who are you?
I am Kai, last of the Brunnen G.
Where are the jailers?
If you mean the crew, there is no sign of anybody.
The bridge was deserted.
Not even a pilot?
There is a cyborg pilot, strapped in a seat.
However, he seems to have lost his head when you landed.
Landed?
You've crashed, on an uninhabited planet.
We heard your distress signal.
Are you a prisoner?
Yes.
What was your crime?
Nothing - except for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I'm innocent.
What was your crime?
Failing my wifely duties, and humiliating my husband in the temple.
I wasn't innocent.
So, how did you end up here?
I was going to meet my husband, at the outer colonies.
We picked up some metal traders, at the outer rim.
They started killing us,
just murdering everyone.
Laughing, rubbing blood all over -
Where were they taking you?
I don't know. They might be slave traders, I don't know!
I wish they'd just killed me.
I will release you.
No! You can't!
Why not?
When they put me in here, they removed my heart, to prevent escape.
They kept me conscious while they did it, made me watch.
I'm going to check the other cells.
Don't worry, I'll be back soon.
Kai, I'm worried about Lyekka showing up.
You should be.
We have to get this woman's heart from the bridge before -
Lyekka gets it?
Yes.
How will you know which one it is?
It should be the first one in line, just like her.
Go ahead! Do your worst, I'm ready for you -
but if you turn your back on me for one second, I'll rip your throat out!
I am not your jailer. I am Kai, last of the Brunnen G.
You could be the last of the cockroaches for all I care,
I'm still gonna tear you apart!
How's it going, 790?
790!
Where are you?
Here, my love -
but I'm more than 790 now.
You can call me 791 - the one for you.
It's our day of destiny, Xev.
I am whole, and wholly yours.
You said he was broken.
I lied for love.
I don't believe it.
But it's true. Here I am, and I can't wait to take you in my.
No mercy. Terminate them!
What was that?
Part of the cyborg's control unit is body centred. I can override it - mostly.
Oh Xev - I don't know where to start.
Do you want to be on top? Should I rub you somewhere first?
Command me, my mistress of passion!
Not so fast, lover boy. I'm still getting over the shock.
The new you certainly offers a lot of -
possibility.
An immense possibility!
791 will be your engine of desire.
Gentle caresses. Full throttle animal couplings, and everything in between.
Our time has arrived.
Hold me, my angel!
New orders -
dispose. None left alive.
Sorry - a little glitch, nothing more.
Xev - no-one could ever love you like I do,
and now I finally have the equipment to prove it,
so what in the universe is stopping us?
Hey, I'm travelling to Barnard 17 to close a deal,
and bam! I'm boarded. All the way!
They're gonna do some horrible experiments on me, right?
Look, just find a way to get me outta here, friend, can you, please?
I'll - er - see what I can do.
You weren't lying. You really do have the equipment.
It's all yours.
What's wrong?
I don't know - timing.
We have to help Kai and Lyekka with the prisoners.
Who cares about them?
I do. 790, look - we can pick up this weirdness later.
Now, bitch, now!
Oh, Xev - sorry.
Maybe I should get you off of there for now?
No, please - it's just a little feedback.
I'm certain it's to do with those two cables down my back that I can't reach.
They lead directly into the body's central processor. Will you help me connect them?
Where?
Slide them up through the join.
Back a little - back - to the left -
there! Connect it right there.
Did I get it right?
You got it, treasure chest.
I'm fully online, and ready to -
Bend over, tubby!
Hello again.
Thank you, for rescuing me.
But I haven't rescued you yet.
I know, but still -
Tell me about this planet we crashed on.
How did you get here?
On the Lexx.
What is that?
A large insect.
790, are you there?
Can you hear me?
790?
Are you completely fried?
Xev, come in, come in, are you there?
Xev?
I'm here.
So, listen - what's this about females?
Not now, Stan.
Look, all I wanna know is, how many there are and what they look like.
We don't know how many yet, Kai's still checking.
As for what they look like, I'm sure you would have your own opinion, if you were here -
but you're not.
You're not helping me Xev.
So look, what are they, crash survivors or what?
They're prisoners, kidnap victims.
Oh yeah? So, so, are they grateful to be rescued?
You know, grateful.
Enough questions, Stan. I'm busy, very busy.
790, you silly thing - you really did it this time.
Stan.
Stan, it's Xev. I'm back.
Oh come on, Xev, tell me what's really going on down there.
Non-stop action of the hot and sweaty kind.
What? Oh, you're teasing me, right?
I've just got a full report from Kai. He's discovered an entire harem,
very eager and very attractive -
you should really come down and meet them. They want to meet you.
So, is it completely safe?
If you want to play it that way - but you don't have to.
Anything goes.
Um, well - what about Lyekka, she get something to eat?
Everybody eats here, Stan - and eats, and eats.
So, so they weren't really prisoners after all?
No. You see, it wasn't a distress call we answered
Stan - it was a beacon of desire,
sent by lusty sex starved sirens.
They're aching for it, Stan. Begging for it. They want it hard, and they want it now.
Are you man enough to provide it?
Bye bye Stan. See you soon.
I don't know about this. I really don't know.
Kai?
Xev?
Lyekka.
I like prisoners.
Xev!
Kai!
Kai?
Xev?
Up here, Stanley, we are up here!
Ah,
to the party!
What's happening up there?
Those in the cells beside you just got eaten
By what?
A plant.
Now what? There's one from each end, I didn't know which one is yours.
I'm afraid you'll just have to choose one, and hope it's mine.
Are you just going to stick it in there?
Unless you have a better idea.
Hello?! Hello! Where are you Xev, hello!
Down here, Stan! Down the stairs, come on!
I don't see any party!
Over here Stan. You're gonna love it.
This better be good.
I must be in the wrong place.
Not at all, Stan. You're exactly in the right place,
for what I have in mind.
Oh, yeah.
Thrust it, monkey man - give me some back and forth.
Do it!
I said do it! With feeling!
That's right. Dance.
Shake your lily white ass, buckaroo.
More hips!
Jiggle it!
Yeah baby. Keep it slippery now.
I owe you my life.
Ever kissed a cyborg?
No.
You will.
When I was a man, I had uncontrollable urges.
That's why they made me into a machine. All those urges were supposed to be erased.
But when the prisoners reprogrammed me, the old flame came back.
You're not pretty - but you're my kind of not pretty.
I'll never tell if you don't.
Agreed. Now just let me go.
You're not going anywhere till I deal with the sizzle in my pizzle.
Do something, Tweedle!
Like what?!
I don't know, kill yourself! Anything so that I don't have to go through with this!
What about me?
Enough! I'm in control here.
Tweedle - I can't fight him. Run while you can. Save Xev! Go!
I can smell your funk, Stanley - and I'm coming to bury my face in it!
Stanley. Stanley -
the head is mine. All heads are mine!
So get ready to buckaroo.
What's wrong?
That's meant for me -
not you!
Attention, attention - the prisoner containment area has been breached.
Ñèñòåìà áåçîïàñíîñòè âêëþ÷åíà.
Attention, attention - security default activated.
I have no feelings.
I am the perfect warrior.
I kill to live, and I live to kill.
I was on my way to trial and execution,
which is why I triggered the security system when I came through the door.
It was me who arranged for the cyborg pilot to be reprogrammed to kill the crew.
Of course, he wasn't supposed to crash the ship -
but that's all behind me.
Thank you for your assistance. Now die!
Attention, attention - prisoner containment is the mission priority.
This prisoner transport will self destruct in 10 minutes,
as there has been a breach of the prisoner containment area.
I repeat - this prisoner transport will self destruct in 9 minutes and 52 seconds.
I repeat - this prisoner transport will self destruct in 9 minutes and 5 seconds.
Attention, attention - this prisoner transport will self destruct in 8 minutes and 10 seconds.
7 minutes and 40 seconds.
Kill to live - live to kill.
Hello.
How are you today?
This will be very pleasant for you.
- will self destruct in 3 minutes and 10 seconds.
You're mine, concubine.
Warning, warning - all personnel must now be evacuated,.
as self destruction is imminent.
Warning, warning - all personnel must now be evacuated,
as self destruction is imminent.
Who's laughing now, robot?!
One - spread.
Two - you're dead.
But the ship's gonna blow up, we'll both die!
Warning, warning - explosive charges are now armed.
Self destruct in 2 minutes.
Just enough time for a quickie.
Stanley Tweedle -
I have to say in all candour that without the slightest micro-iota of inestimable doubt
in the entirety of the two universes - this is the very definition of misery.
Just stop, please!
Not his show, bitch -
it's mine!
Don't get up, Stanley.
I can see that you two may require some time alone,
but we have to leave - now.
Fine.
Let's go.
Warning, warning - explosive charges are now armed.
Self destruct in 1 minute.
I am totally, completely, and utterly humiliated.
That's OK, forget it.
You must understand that my intentions were entirely honourable -
if I had any idea the cyborg -
I said forget it.
You may still only be a head, 790 -
but you're the best head I ever had.