Steph Curry is, uh, about to break one of the, like,
hardest records in the NBA-- most three-pointers ever.
I'm assuming it's scored, 'cause otherwise
that would be a weird record.
Just, like, the most three pointers that someone has tried.
Those should be cool records as well. They should have that.
You tried a lot. I mean, you got none of them,
but you really tried a lot. Most tries.
No, he's gonna break the record.
Uh, it was Ray Allen's record. And then, Ray Allen,
they asked him, "What do you think," and he said,
even if Steph Curry breaks it, I'm still the greatest.
No, you're not. That's literally how records work.
I'm sorry. You were one of the greatest,
but you're not the greatest. That's literally
how the record works. Yeah.
So Steph has to shoot just two. He shoots one,
and then he's tied. And then he shoots another one
and then he breaks the record. Yes.
Unless he gets cursed and then
never scores another three ever again.
Like, I... maybe I should be the one to tell you Americans,
Steph Curry's broken basketball.
He figured it out, and your sports is now broken.
Yeah. This is why I like soccer-- no one can break it.
Basketball? Broken. Steph Curry figured out
that if you throw the ball
you could throw it over everybody
and then you just get the same points.
Before that, people were like,
you've got to, like, run and then fight people like Shaq.
Imagine if you had been, like, fighting against Shaq
all those years and then you realize all along,
you could have just thrown the ball in.
And Steph doesn't even do it from, like, the line.
'Cause they're like, "This is the three-point line"
then he was like, "But what if you just do it
from, like, the other line?" Then he was like,
"What if you just..." Have you seen, Steph Curry does it
from, like, not even on the court now.
He does it from, like, the tunnel
that comes through the cour...
At some point Steph Curry's just gonna shoot the shit from home,
that's what he's gonna do. Yeah.
Steph Curry's gonna be the first work-at-home basketball player.
He's gonna be, like, the first step
of the hybrid work in the-in the NBA.
Be like, "Yeah, man, I remember when the game changed.
"Before that, we had to come into-to the arena, man.
"You had to play games. And then Steph Curry came along,
"man. Shit. Now... now, man, people,
"these (bleep) throwing from home now, man.
Yeah." Just be, like, one of the greatest players
will be, like, someone who lives in some, like, random place,
like, he lives in the Maldives. He just throws from there.
Man, you can't guard that shit. You can't guard that shit.
You got to catch two planes just to guard him.
Whole game has changed.
You'll be telling your grandkids, "Back in my day,
"in basketball you had to be there to defend the player.
"They were there, shooting in your face, like a man.
"And now, nothing. You don't know when it's gonna come.
"The other day, I got a... I got a envelope in the mail.
"I thought it was from your Nana.
"I opened it, it was a three-point shot.
We lost the game."
(laughs)
-♪ ♪ -ANNOUNCER: Coming to you from the heart
of Times Square in New York City, the only city in America,
it's The Daily Show.
Tonight, texts from Fox News.
The year in scams.
And Chelsea Handler.
This is The Daily Show with Trevor Noah.
Hey! What's going on, everybody?
Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Trevor Noah.
And joining me for today's headlines
is my good friend Roy Wood Jr.
-What's going on, Roy? -Hey. What up, man?
I'm just trying to find a karate class.
My five-year-old taking karate,
so that mean I got to learn karate, 'cause
the showdown is coming.
I don't think that's how it works, Roy.
I think you-you can just let him do karate.
Which one has a child?
-You. -Okay.
So then you let me worry about
the showdown that's looming with my child.
Every child, at some point, challenges the father.
That's how it goes. You've seen Star Wars.
-Well, good luck with that, Roy. -Yeah.
And good luck to your child. All right,
let's jump right into today's headlines.
♪ ♪
We kick things off with Omicron, the coronavirus variant
named after disgraced CNN anchor Chris Cuomocron.
It's now been three weeks since Omicron was discovered,
which means scientists are starting to get a handle
on exactly what we might be dealing with.
This morning, the fast-spreading Omicron variant
is adding fresh fears around the world.
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson is warning
of a looming tidal wave of Omicron cases in the U.K.
Health officials here are saying that no other COVID variant
has spread this fast, and they fear that in less than 36 hours,
Omicron will become the dominant variant here in London.
Already, it makes up 44% of cases in the city,
and numbers are doubling every two to three days.
The country of Norway is ramping up efforts
to slow the spread of Omicron.
In a new approach to decreasing gatherings there,
the prime minister announced the country is placing a ban
on serving alcohol in bars and restaurants.
the moratorium comes as the country is facing record-high
COVID-19 infectious and hospitalizations.
Wow. No drinking
in Norway in the winter.
I mean, at that point, you might as well die of COVID.
Also, why are they keeping the bars open
if you can't drink?
Are there people out there who are, like,
"I still enjoy the communal peanuts
"and shouty conversations
"and standing in someone else's pee while I pee.
You know? There's more to a bar than just drinking, guys."
But, look, the point is Omicron is spreading super fast,
like, way faster than any other variant.
Like, we hadn't even heard about it a few weeks ago,
and now it's dominating the world.
It's like the Olivia Rodrigo of variants.
And as it spreads,
we're learning more about the effects of Omicron.
In fact, the first large study
was just released out of South Africa.
Whoop, whoop!
And it has good news and bad news.
Womp, womp.
The bad news is,
even if you have two doses of the Pfizer vaccine,
you only get 33% protection
against infection from Omicron.
Right? The good news is,
if you do get Omicron,
you're about 30% less likely
to go to the hospital than with Delta.
But the bad news is there was a hot single doctor
at the hospital who could have been your soul mate
and you'll never get to meet him.
Yeah. The good news is
he has a lot of student debt,
and that would have totally weighed on your relationship
after a while.
Sorry, where was I going with this?
Oh, yeah, yeah. If you're worried about catching Omicron,
the good news is that a booster shot is actually very effective.
It's really effective protection.
In fact, we shouldn't even be calling it a booster
at this point.
We should just call it "the third shot."
You know? It seems like it's gonna be completely necessary.
Calling it a booster makes it sound optional,
like someone's offering you a hot towel.
"Would you care for a booster shot? Yes?"
Yeah, what's with them hot towels?
What's with them hot towels anyway, man?
One minute, it's hot. And then, like, a second later,
-it's cold. -Right?
It doesn't even feel like-- It-it felt nice for a second,
then it's gone. Like, it's like-- It's a nice, warm,
hot towel.
Then it just turn into a cold rag.
-(laughs) -Nobody want a rag.
-It's instant as well. -Yeah.
That's-that's part of the problem with it.
It's just like-- It's-it's, like-- it's, like, a thing.
Hot-- But it's like it's too hot as well.
Like, they give it to you and you can't hold it.
And then the next second, it's freezing cold.
-(yelping) -Where did they heat this thing?
How did they heat this? Like, what temp--
I don't understand these towels at all.
You know where they messed up with the--
with this-- with this booster shot also, dawg,
is that they, like--
they-they messed up calling the first shot "the vaccine."
We were supposed to be-- Vaccine, done.
They should've just called that "medicine"
and then called this shot "more medicine."
Everybody-everybody like more medicine.
-Extra strength? -More medicine.
-That's all you had to call it. -Yeah.
More medicine. And not market it.
That's how you do it.
You know why people was taking all that horse stuff
and drinking the bleach? Word of mouth.
Weren't no commercials for it.
Everybody want to be up on that new-new.
-Nobody wants the... -Stop-stop talking about the booster--
see how many people go get the booster.
You just make it, like, a whisker-- whisper campaign.
Yeah. Yeah, like... (whispers): I got that booster.
(whispers): Nah, there's no booster.
Hey, I thought it was a booster.
Nah, there's no booster.
Man, let me get the booster. I know you got that booster.
There's no booster, man.
Stop hating, baby. Come on, man.
All right, I'll talk to you later.
All right. Dope, dope, dope, yeah.
All right, let's move on to a story that involves
two of America's most violent sports,
hockey and capitalism.
Everyone knows that teachers in America are underpaid,
but what's really crazy is that teachers often have to spend
their own money to buy supplies for their classrooms.
Which is insane.
I mean, every time you hear this in America,
you realize how insane this is.
Because no other job makes you do this.
No one at McDonald's is ever like,
"Oh, they won't fix the ice cream machine.
I guess I'll have to bring my own ice cream from home."
And if it's not depressing enough
that teachers buy supplies for their students,
one hockey team in South Dakota,
well, they found a way to make it even worse.
Time now for stories everyone's talking about.
This morning, we start in South Dakota.
-This blew up social media yesterday. -Yeah.
-Yeah, a h... -People were angry.
Yeah, and-and here's the video. We're gonna show it to you.
A hockey team's event drawing some serious criticism.
-Take a look. -(cheering)
All right, so here's what's going on.
The Sioux Falls Stampede hockey team held
a Dash for Cash competition Saturday.
So these are ten teachers crawling around on the ice,
grabbing as much money as they can
to buy classroom supplies.
However, many found this wrong,
to have teachers fight for money.
Some even compared it to the Netflix show Squid Game.
Oh, come on. This is nothing like Squid Game.
I mean, for starters, you don't need subtitles
to realize how sad this is.
And at least if you win Squid Game,
you get to keep the money.
These poor teachers are debasing themselves
to pay for textbooks
that don't even teach slavery.
And this is the most depressing thing
I've ever seen at a sporting event,
aside from any game where the Jets are playing.
Like, I get that they were trying to help out
the local teachers who need money for their classrooms,
but you realize they could have just given them the money, yeah?
You didn't have to turn their need into our entertainment.
Can you imagine if lifeguards made you do,
like, the Dougie before they saved you? Huh?
Now you're there, drowning, and you're like...
(babbling)
I mean, would that be funny? Yes.
But it's not appropriate.
And, you know, this really highlights
how America cares so little about education.
I mean, its teachers are wrestling
on the ground for dollar bills.
Meanwhile, the defense budget of this country
is over half a trillion dollars a year.
And I'm not saying that defense contractors
can't have that money, but they should at least
have to wrestle around in Jell-O for it.
And naked.
I want to see butts.
-It's a crazy story, dude. -Right?
Very crazy.
Like, why would you give teachers money for supplies
at the end of the year?
-What? -It's too late.
Them kids already flunked, man.
They needed them supplies back in August.
Why you getting supplies to help kids?
You ain't made an F...
You can't bounce back from a December F.
I don't know if you ever had a December F, but it's a wrap.
Ain't nothing else you can do to save that kid.
You just got to tell them, "See you next year.
"You can stay in the class for the rest of the year
so you can be familiar with this shit next year."
But once you got a December F, that's a waste of time.
They should have had them teachers out there on the ice
back in August.
Uh, uh, it's an interesting point, Roy,
-I'm not gonna lie. -It's a fair point.
It's a solid point, is what you meant to say.
-That is what I... Yeah. -It's a solid point.
Also, they didn't offer them teachers a hot towel.
That's the disrespectful part of it.
They touching money. Ugh.
(Noah laughing)
Omicron out there.
You just out there raw-doggin' cash with your hands.
(crew laughing)
Raw-doggin' cash. Do you raw-dog cash?
I've never thought of it like that, actually.
We should hang out.
-We should, Roy. -We should hang out.
-We should. -You'd learn some shit.
-Yeah, I would. -Okay.
I definitely would.
All right, let's move on now to our main story,
which is about former president Donald Jussie Smollett Trump
and his attempt last year to overturn the election.
which, by the way-- no judgment, no judgment at all.
I mean, if you lost anything to Joe Biden,
you'd also deny the shit out of it.
An election, a foot race, an arm wrestling match.
I mean, have you seen that guy?
It's like losing to a soggy sponge.
Hell, if Joe Biden beat me at rock-paper-scissors,
I'd chop off both my hands, just be like,
"Yeah, I never played this game."
Now, one of the guys who has the most information
about Trump's attempts to overthrow the election
is his former chief of staff Mark Meadows,
but, as of a few weeks ago, he suddenly stopped talking.
NEWSMAN: Lawmakers investigating the January 6 attack
on the Capitol have run out of patience with Mark Meadows.
Mark Meadows made the decision to cooperate,
and then he made the decision un-cooperate,
and, as a result, we're gonna have to hold him
in criminal contempt.
NEWSMAN: The committee says they've got questions
about documents Meadows has handed over
which shed light on what the Trump White House knew
about the insurrection before it began.
NEWSWOMAN: The committee is also interested
in the weeks leading up to the insurrection
and Meadows' involvement in efforts to undermine
the election outcome.
When presented with the idea of certain states sending
alternate slates of electors to Congress,
Meadows responded, "I love it."
-(snapping fingers) -Mm, mm!
Get you a man who loves you
the way Mark Meadows loves overthrowing democracy!
See that? "I love it! I love it!"
I mean, to be fair, though,
"I love it" is also what you send
when you want the other person
to think you actually read through
all their texts when you didn't.
So maybe it was like that with Mark Meadows?
I don't know.
The fact is, though, it looks like Mark Meadows
was very involved in Trump's plan to overturn the election.
He pushed the Justice Department
to investigate made-up voter fraud.
He tried to block states from certifying their electors.
And he even made Trump lick the Oval Office desk
to claim dibs.
And it definitely doesn't look good
that he stopped cooperating with the investigation.
I mean, I do get it, though.
You know, he can't be disloyal to Trump,
because in Trump world, loyalty is everything.
You take care of Trump, and Trump takes care of you.
Unless you're John Bolton.
Or Jeff Sessions.
Or Rudy Giuliani.
Or Melania or Michael Cohen or anybody else he's ever known.
It's called loyalty.
But before he stopped cooperating,
Meadows did hand over a lot of documents
to the committee, and one thing they discovered
were a bunch of frantic text messages that he got
during the Capitol riot, and some of them...
some of them came from Donald Trump's closest advisors.
Fox entertainers frantically texted Mark Meadows
as the Capitol riot was happening
and urged him to get then- President Trump to stop it.
NEWSWOMAN: In one text exchange,
Hannity urged Meadows to tell Mr. Trump to, quote,
"make a statement... and ask people to leave the Capitol"
Brian Kilmeade saying, "Please get him"-- Trump-- "on TV."
"Destroying everything you have accomplished."
Laura Ingraham writing...
(laughing): Oh, man, this is so amazing.
Yeah, because you realize Fox News has spent the whole year
acting like January 6 was nothing.
Just nothing. It's just a... a few, you know, patriots,
just having their voices heard.
But it turns out that in private,
they were freaking out about it!
Freaking out.
This is like finding out the flight attendant
who's been telling you that it's just a little turbulence
is actually going back into the cockpit like,
"Doesn't anybody know how to fly this thing?!
"We're all gonna die!
"On your left, you can see the Rocky Mountains.
"Really beautiful.
Just please stay in your seat, folks."
And I love that they were so concerned
that this could ruin Trump's legacy.
"If he gets somebody killed today,
"no one will remember that time
he told everyone to drink bleach."
It's crazy that CNN fired Chris Cuomo
because he was caught giving secret advice
to a politician: his brother.
But now it turns out that basically everyone at Fox News
was giving secret advice to President Trump and his people.
But, I mean, I guess that's what makes it okay, yeah?
Like, if one person at your network
has no integrity, that's a problem.
But if nobody has integrity, that's a company policy.
Fox News: we all wilin'.
But the best part of this text dump
is that it wasn't just Fox hosts who were freaking out
about Trump's response to the riot. No.
There were also texts
from President Trump's oldest son
and man who never has to worry about chin cancer,
Don Jr.
As the violence continued,
one of the president's sons texted Mr. Meadows,
"He's got to condemn this shit ASAP.
The Capitol police tweet is not enough,"
Donald Trump Jr. texted.
Donald Trump Jr. texted again and again,
urging action by the president.
"We need an Oval Office address.
"He has to lead now.
"It has gone too far
and gotten out of hand."
Yeah. It appears that Don Jr. himself
thought the insurrection had gone too far
and had gotten out of hand.
Which suggests
that he was okay with an insurrection
that was a little more in control.
"Whoa, what's with all this violence?
"I kind of thought we could overthrow the government
"in, like, a cool, fun way, like Ocean's Eleven.
"Like, we sneak in and steal democracy
"before anyone notices,
"and we're all wearing cool suits,
"and George Clooney is like, 'You guys are cool.'
"And I'd be like, 'You're cool, George Clooney.'
Something like that."
Now, clearly, Don Jr.'s texts didn't work,
which, honestly, I'm kind of glad about.
Because the only thing worse than an insurrection
would have been having to thank Don Jr.
for stopping an insurrection.
(mockingly): "Thank you for saving democracy, Don Jr."
But still, seeing Don Jr.
desperately trying to get a message to his own father?
I mean, that tells you a lot about their relationship, right?
And those-those aren't even the only texts
that he sent Mark Meadows that day.
In fact, a source has provided The Daily Show
with additional texts.
And I'm gonna read them to you right now.
(paper rustles)
Later that day,
Don Jr. texted Mark Meadows again,
"Hey, man,
"just wanted to see if you passed those messages
to my dad yet."
And then,
"Actually, it might be easier
"if you gave me my dad's number
so I can text him directly,
question mark."
Some time passed,
and then another text.
"Let me know about my dad's number,
"but no rush.
I know shit is cray, LOL."
And finally, that night,
"Come on, man,
at least give me his email."
And then
three prayer hands emojis.
There was no response.
So, yes, the January 6th riot
rocked America to its core.
But even worse,
it broke Don Jr.'s heart.
Hilarious.
All right, when we come back, we'll take a look
at all the biggest scams of 2021,
and Chelsea Handler is my guest,
which means she's joining me on the show.
You don't want to miss it.
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
2021 is almost over,
and I think we can all agree that, compared to last year,
it has been a perfect year.
So, for the rest of the month, we'll be remembering
all of 2021's best moments
in our year-end segment A Look Back at 2021:
the Least Bad Year of the Last Two Years.
Tonight, Michael Kosta takes a look
at all the top scams of the year.
♪ ♪
A lot changed in 2021--
the length of Kanye's name,
the energy level of our president,
my in-laws' Hulu password.
But one thing that didn't change
is that people still fell for anything.
You know how they say a sucker's born every minute?
Well, this year, there was more sucking going on
than an orgy at the Dyson factory.
Ugh.
Starting with one of the most ridiculous scams
people fell for, NFTs,
otherwise known as non-fungible tokens.
It's basically when you buy the rights
to a piece of digital art.
And hang on to your Apple Wallets--
they got pretty expensive.
NEWSWOMAN: $200,000 for a LeBron James dunking clip.
$600,000 for-- I don't even know what that is in the middle.
A-And millions for Jack Dorsey's first tweet.
This image of digital toilet paper is worth $2,100.
Yeah, 2,100 bucks for digital toilet paper.
I guess it'll come in handy
when I have to take dump in the metaverse.
Sadly, gullible idiots spent millions on NFTs,
thinking they have actual value,
when, in reality, they can become worthless at any time.
Which I found out the hard way when I sold my house
to buy this NFT of a dog wearing pantyhose.
What can I say? I love art.
My next favorite scam of 2021 was the meme stock.
All year long, people were pumping money
into terrible businesses
just because the Internet thought it was cool.
It was the financial equivalent of the Tide Pod challenge,
and no stock was more meme'd than GameStop.
Its stock had been declining in value for a long time,
because it's a store that tries to sell you video games
that you can download at home.
And if there's one thing gamers love,
it's leaving their house, ever.
But of course, like all meme stocks,
this whole thing is just a big roller coaster ride,
and the only question is: who's the sucker
who's gonna be left holding the bag when the price crashes?
Turns out it was me.
I bought it all at the top.
Not totally my fault.
My cousin is a hedge fund manager,
and he assured me that this thing was foolproof.
Anyway, he's living in Turks and Caicos now,
and I'm living in an airport La Quinta.
But let's move from Wall Street to Pennsylvania Avenue.
Home of the scam that kicked off 2021
is somehow still going strong.
It's the biggest lie since, "Oh, that fedora looks great on you."
Trump's claims of voter fraud.
He and the GOP convinced his supporters
that Joe Biden stole the 2020 election,
which led to the January 6 insurrection,
aka Q-cella,
MAGA-palooza,
White-stock.
I mean, guys, come on, if the election had been rigged,
we would know by now, probably because Biden
would have accidentally said it in a speech.
The man has no filter.
But instead, people were foolishly led to believe
that they could actually stop the election
from being certified, but the truth is,
that was never possible.
Unfortunately, I only found that out after I got maced
by Capitol police inside Chuck Schumer's office.
I got his mouse pad as a souvenir, though.
(groans) Still has some chicken salad stains on it.
Anyhoo, as I said at my bail hearing,
I deeply regret my participation.
Let's move on to CRT, or Critical Race Theory.
This was a big scam spread by right-wing culture warriors,
that suggested your kid's elementary school
was teaching white kids that slavery was their fault.
(chuckles): And some parents, well, they bought it
hook, line and sinker.
The Western culture and values that brought forth Christianity
and the founding documents are being called evil and racist.
Just because I do not want critical race theory
taught to my children in school
does not mean that I am a racist, damn it.
CRT is evil!
If I lived in this school zone or had a kid,
I would pull him out of this school forever!
(sighs) Oh, yeah.
I forgot that I was part of that, too, so...
I got got again.
But the scam that best sums up 2021
is, without a doubt, ivermectin.
It was the medicine for people
who would take anything to prevent COVID
except for the free and effective vaccine
that could prevent COVID.
So, some pretty twisted individuals
took this opportunity to promote the idea
that a veterinary-grade horse dewormer
could prevent and treat COVID.
And people fell for it so bad
that pet stores even started selling out of it,
which really sucks for the horses.
It's bad enough humans give them names
like Daddy's Velvet and Smoky Midnight Blossom.
Now people were taking all their medicine?
Although, full disclosure, I did take some.
But in my defense, it seemed like such a bad idea
that it made me think maybe it wasn't a bad idea.
That's how they get you sometimes.
Anyway, long story short, I came down
with something my vet is calling horse diarrhea.
I don't know exactly what that means
'cause that's the clinical term, but, to be honest,
I've never felt so worm-free in my entire life.
So, as we go into 2022,
let's take with us the lessons we learned this year.
Stay vigilant, be smart
and do your own research, but not in the crazy way.
The only way to protect yourself from getting scammed
-is to... Oh. -(phone chimes)
Holy shit, Bill Gates just emailed me,
and he wants to send me some cash?
I'm gonna be rich!
(whoops)
-(laughs, whoops) -(hooves trotting)
(neighs)
Thank you so much for that, Michael. All right,
when we come back, the hilarious Chelsea Handler
will be joining me right here in the studio,
so don't go away.
Welcome back to The Daily Show. My guest tonight
is bestselling author and comedian Chelsea Handler.
She's here to talk about her "Vaccinated and Horny"
stand-up tour, and her recent Grammy nomination.
Chelsea Handler, welcome to the show.
-Hi, Trevor. How are you? -I'm...
I've been better, but I'm good.
-Yeah? -I'm getting better every day. How are you?
I'm doing well. I notice that you got a new studio here.
The last time I was here, we were somewhere else.
Yes, which means we weren't here, but yes.
Yeah, yeah, exactly. That's exactly what it means.
Anyway, congratulations on the upgrade.
-The green rooms were delightful. -Um...
-Well, thank you very much. Thank you so much. -Yeah.
Um, yeah, it's, like, a work in progress of life and...
I feel like we're all in it right now. It's like,
nothing is back to normal, we're in the hybrid phase.
And then, you know, we're gonna get ready to go back
to a different phase of life and...
Let's talk about you and your phases, though.
People's Choice award, congratulations.
Oh, my God, I beat you in the People's Choice
-best comedy tour category. -I was in the category?
Yeah, you were nominated for a People's Choice award
-but then I won. -Well, I wouldn't say
congratulations had I known. I just thought you'd won an award
-and I was happy for you. -Oh, I thought you were being
-a big boy about it. I was gonna say great, look at you. -No.
No. Okay, well, let's take it back, you guys. Let's go back.
No, but for real, congratulations.
-Thank you, thanks. -Um...
and, uh, congratulations, like, for me,
I think, you know, for all of us as comedians,
-the Grammy nomination-- I mean... You know? -Yeah.
-This is your first one, right? -No, I was in Hawaii
with, uh, Jo Koy, and I woke up and I--
yeah, this is definitely my first one--
and I got a text from my agent and she said
you've been nominated for a Grammy award.
And I was like, "A Grammy? For what?"
-I mean, the irony. I have, like, no rhythm. -Yes. Yes.
I can't sing. I can't dance.
And so I was like, "Jo, I've been nominated for a Grammy."
He's like, "You're kidding me!"
-So that's exciting. That's so cool. -I feel like all comedians
have that feeling. It literally is a weird feeling.
'Cause you don't think of the Grammys as including,
-like, stand-up in that way. -Yeah.
'Cause it is-- You do have the comedy album as well.
And so, I mean, I-I was just happy for you,
'cause I feel like you've just...
Chelsea, you've been making hits for a very long time.
Like, you're a best-selling author.
Right? What is it, five or six books now? How many?
-Six number one New York Times best-selling books. -Six books.
-I mean, but who am I to brag? You know what I mean? -I mean...
I just want to set the record straight. You know what I mean?
Um, you have...
I mean, every TV show has been a hit.
And now we're seeing the new Chelsea,
-the Chelsea in love. Congratulations. -Oh, yeah.
Right. People love it.
They love to see me in love.
Well, I think, because, for a long time,
people have only seen you as, like, the horny Chelsea.
I mean, like, even your tour's, like, "Vaccinated and Horny."
Like, we know, like, that Chelsea's like,
"I'm drinking wine! I'm horny!"
And now this Chelsea's like, "Well, I'm-I'm in love."
-It's very different. -Yeah. I'm still horny
but more directed at one person now than it's ever been.
And, yeah, it's really nice to see the reaction from people
being so happy that I'm in love.
Like, I didn't realize how many people were rooting for me.
You know? Like, I want to give people-- women my age hope.
Like, you know, if you don't settle
for all these idiots out there,
-the good one is gonna come, and... -(laughs)
I mean, for men and women alike, you know?
And people who don't identify as either.
-It's like when you set the standard for yourself... -Yeah.
-...the-the tide rises, and... -I like that.
-Yeah. I think that's true. -I like that.
One thing I've always wondered though is, like,
what it's like to date a comedian.
I-I don't think I ever could,
because I don't know-- Like, what are the rules?
If you're dating a comedian,
then who gets the jokes?
'Cause, at some point, you're having a conversation,
a brilliant premise comes up. Who gets it?
Yeah. Well, I mean, we're pretty good about sharing that.
You know? And Jo is like a...
-He's not your typical comedian. -No, he's not.
He's very, very bright and cheerful, and it's infectious.
You know? He keeps everybody kind of up, up.
-(laughing) -So, I mean, it's a lot to handle,
especially for me, 'cause I'm such a sinister bitch.
I'm like, "What?"
And-- But then, after a while, it wears off on you.
You're like, "Yeah, I'm feeling pretty happy, too, these days."
So we split the jokes.
You know, like, if he comes up with a...
He sleeps with a CPAP machine on his face, for instance,
'cause he has sleep apnea. So he sleeps with the...
-Ow, wow, like one of the, like, the... -contraption.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Yeah.
-I tried that. It was terrible. -Oh, do you have sleep apnea?
-No, I just tried the machine. -(laughing)
It was just, like, a phase I was going through.
I was just like, "Let's see how this goes."
He sleeps with one of those on, and that's, like,
it's, like, when he puts that on,
it's, like, he is going into a submarine
-for the rest of the night, you know? -Wow.
It's, "Out." It's, "See you later."
-"I'll see you in the morning." -Yes. Right.
Yeah, there's no, like, romance with those things.
-No. -There's no interruption of anything.
-No, no, no. -Yes. It's like you're on life support
-the whole night, and then wake up... -Yeah.
-He's trying not to die all night long, -Essentially.
and then in the morning, he wakes up to this piece of work.
So I told him, you know, I was like, "Listen"--
he said something about the way I sleep--
and I said, "Listen, I'm going to bed with an octopus
every single night, so why don't you go..."
And he uses that in his stand-up, you know.
-Oh, I like that. Okay. -'Cause he talks about his sleep apnea.
Apparently, everybody's got sleep apnea,
and most people don't know about it.
-Wow. -So all these men out there--
I understand it's a contraption, and it's not hot.
-No, it's not. -Not. But, I mean, if I'm sitting there
sleeping with it every night, I bet you
-there's a lot more women out there... -I think that's...
that's, like, the definition of love.
-That's, like, true love is: if you can CPAP at night -Yeah.
With the person next to you, then you know it's love.
-Right. Exactly. -Yeah.
You talk about everything in your stand-up.
I've always envied that about you, to be honest.
Like, I love how you just, you share everything in your life.
You'll make jokes about it. You'll have fun with it.
There's no barriers for you. I mean, you even joked
about you wanting to have sex with Andrew Cuomo,
and then, like, dealing with, like,
him now being cancelled and also, just, like,
being found guilty of things, et cetera, et cetera.
-Yeah. Yeah. -Like, as Chelsea Handler,
I would love to know where you got that confidence
just to do that.
-Like, where did that come from? -Oh. Well, thanks.
I mean, I have a lot of misplaced confidence.
For a long time, I thought I could sing and dance,
and so I tried out for the cheerleading squad,
and they tested me for scoliosis the next day.
So I have a lot of confidence in areas,
until somebody flashes a big red light and says "Don't do it."
The Andrew Cuomo thing was very funny
because when that didn't work out
with, you know, Andrew Cuomo...
Like, he... Nothing ever happened between us,
but I had a big, you know, loud crush on him.
My sister's like, "Mom is cockblocking you from heaven."
And I go, "Really? That's what you think
Mom is doing up in heaven? Cockblocking me?"
She was like, "Yeah, you need to be cockblocked by these people."
And then, yeah, she was like, "If you were with Andrew Cuomo,
you would've never met Jo Koy."
She was like, "Mom's at work up there."
I like that. Um, you're on tour.
It's still happening. You've won the award for it
over me. Congratulations.
-Um, you've got the Grammy... -That sounded very angry.
-No, I'm not angry. I'm just... -Angry or bitter.
-Or bitter. -I think I... It's-it's...
The time of the tragedy has not passed yet for me.
-Oh, right. Too soon. -'Cause I just found out about it
-when you sat down here. -Right.
-This was, like... Yeah. -(laughs) You just...
This is a horrible time for me to find out.
So, you've got the tour.
Uh, you got the Grammy nomination.
What are you looking forward to?
Um, I've been really enjoying
being on the road for this tour.
It's been a... It's so great to be a reason,
as you well know, to bring people back together
-for the very first time. -Yeah. Yeah.
To remind people about togetherness
and humanity and, you know, not focus
on the politics of everything right now,
-because I'm so exhausted by all of that, too. -Yeah.
-I think everyone is. Yeah. -Yeah, everyone's sick of it.
Everyone's sick of me hearing and talking about it.
People are sick of talking about it.
So, it's been nice to have, like, a celebratory,
fun, you know, making fun of all the behavior
we all got up to during COVID,
-which was seriously embarrassing. -Yes.
-I mean, I was Windexing... -What, you were embarrassed?
I was Windexing my food, my takeout food,
-for about three months. -Oh, you were one of those, Chelsea.
-So, I didn't get COVID, but I probably have cancer. -Wow.
(laughs) Well,
I'll tell you this, it's always a pleasure having you.
I think this is the fifth time I've had you on the show.
Congratulations on love.
Congratulations on all the success,
and, uh, hope to see you again for the next one.
-Thanks. Thank you so much. -Thank you very much.
All right, people, tickets
for Chelsea's Vaccinated and Horny Tour
are available at ChelseaHandler.com.
It won a People's Choice Award over me,
so go and watch it. All right, we're gonna take a quick break.
We'll be right back after this.
Well, that's our show for tonight.
But before we go, our new Daily Show holiday merch
has officially dropped.
It's our "happy belated holidays" sweatshirt,
the only gift
that won't have you worried about supply chain issues.
So, if you want to check it out, scan the QR code
or head to the link below.
Until tomorrow, stay safe out there.
Get your vaccine, and remember:
if Don Jr. asks,
Donald Trump isn't here.
Now, here it is, Your Moment of Zen.
♪ ♪
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