[theme music]
ANNOUNCER: From New York City, \h\hthe only city in America,
it’s the show that \h\hinvented news.
This is The Daily Show with \h\hyour host, Roy Wood, Jr.
[cheering]
Welcome to The Daily Show.
I’m Roy Wood, Jr. Yes, indeed.
Now-- now-- thank you.
Now this is my third night \hhosting The Daily Show.
["roy" chant]
Settle down, rioters.
It’s my third night hosting the show, and it’s been a blast.
It’s been a blast.
\hNow, I know if you tuned in last night,
you might have seen the home \h\hboy Jon Stewart stop by.
And tonight, who knows?
Beyoncé?
[cheering]
[laughter]
You got to speak it to an existence, manifest
it, and all that other shit.
\h\hBut we got a great show for you tonight.
I’ll tell you who is definitely here is the homie Cedric
the Entertainer.
So let’s get into \h\hthe headlines.
[cheering]
Rapid.
All right.
Let’s kick things off in Wisconsin.
I like Wisconsin.
Wisconsin in the building?
I like Wisconsin.
\h\h\h\h\hWisconsin-- Wisconsin-- only place
I’ve been to that sell cheese as a souvenir.
I like that.
[laughter]
\h\h\hYou want some cheese before your flight, yeah?
\h\hCheese curds-- you give me cheese
curds, no wrapping, no nothing, just butt naked in my hand.
[laughter]
But last night Wisconsin had a critical election
\h\h\hfor the state supreme court, which
\h\h\h\h\hhas national implications for 2024.
\h\h\hThey had a far-right conservative versus a very
left-wing liberal.
\h\hAnd I don’t want to presume anything
about the political beliefs of the audience in the room
right now.
You know, I know Daily Show fans
hold a wide variety of views.
Ah, who am I kidding?
\h\hY’all can go on and start clapping.
Show them the clip.
\h\hREPORTER: And a major political flip
in Wisconsin, Democrat-backed \h\h\hJudge Janet Protasiewicz
\hhas won the state’s widely-watched Supreme
Court race.
\h\hThe court will now be controlled
\h\hby liberals for the first time in 15 years.
REPORTER: Protasiewicz’s \hconservative opponent,
\h\hDan Kelly, had harsh words after the election
was called and criticized her, \h\hcalling her a serial liar.
\h\h\hI wish that in a circumstance like this
I would be able to concede \h\hto a worthy opponent.
But I do not have a worthy opponent
to which I can concede.
This was the most deeply deceitful,
dishonorable, despicable \h\h\h\hcampaign I have
ever seen run for the courts.
And I wish Wisconsin \hthe best of luck.
Because I think it’s \hgoing to need it.
[laughter]
Aw, you seem very sad about losing.
Would you like some cheese?
[laughter]
Now-- now, look, I know people think
\hthat it’s classless to concede like this.
But I’mma be straight \h\h\h\hup with y’all.
Good for my man.
Dude just got his ass beat in \hfront of the whole country,
and you want him to be gracious?
Congratulations to my opponent, who is clearly a winner,
\h\h\h\hunlike me, a little bitch loser.
[laughter]
\hLook, I say as long as you accept the outcome,
you get to talk shit.
You let me spend millions \h\h\h\hrunning for Judge,
and then I lose?
I run millions, and I lose-- oh,
baby, I’m up on that podium \h\hlike Samuel L. Jackson.
\h\hYes, they deserve to die, and I hope they burn in hell!
[applause]
\hBut now let’s move on to the big story,
the arrest of Donald J. Trump.
[cheering]
Oh, you heard about it.
Y’all heard about it?
\h\hOK, I thought it was just a little--
\h\h\h\hyou know, little-- yesterday was a momentous
day for Donald J. Trump.
He was indicted for 34 \hcounts of falsifying
business records and also \h\hone count of clogging
the courthouse toilet.
They added that one at the last minute.
[laughter]
\h\h\hSo old Trumpy went down to the courthouse,
\h\hlooked around stupid for a couple of minutes,
\h\hand then fled on his private jet to Florida.
\hBecause, as you all know, Florida
\hdoes not have an extradition treaty with the United States.
[laughter]
He rode up Mar-a-Lago, and then he waved to his supporters,
and then offered to put his thumb up they butt.
[laughter]
What is this?
Seriously.
Who adds motion to a thumbs up?
It’s simple.
Just lock the elbow.
Trump got to be the first person to add the jerkoff
motion to a thumbs up.
Thanks so much for coming out.
I really appreciate it.
[groans]
[applause]
\h\h\hSo then, after all of that, it was time for Trump
to give his big speech.
\hAnd, sidebar, why are people still going to Trump speeches?
Like, I get it.
I get it.
That’s your dude, but you \hknow what he gonna say.
He say the same--
\hDonald Trump is a comedian that ain’t
changed his act in years.
You know what he gonna do.
Liberal media be doing this, and Joe Biden--
Joe Biden and them, they be doing this!
Y’all know I ain’t lying.
Come on now, DJ.
Kick it.
The only--
[applause]
\h\h\hThe only thing-- the only thing that changes year to year
with Trump is who is enemy is.
\hAnd for this fight, he’s got two new ones.
REPORTER: In a defiant speech at Mar-a-Lago,
the former president \h\h\h\hclaimed he’s
a victim, and targeted \h\h\h\hthe prosecutor
and judge in the case.
They can’t beat us at the ballot box.
So they try and beat us through the law.
The criminal is the \hdistrict attorney.
I have a Trump-hating judge \h\hwith a Trump-hating wife
and family.
\hWho-- who you know go to trial
and talk shit about the judge?
[laughter]
That’s bold.
The judge could destroy you.
He could destroy you, and you riling him up.
You about to fight \h\hCocaine Bear.
You don’t offer him crack first.
\hAnd he didn’t just call out the judge.
Trump called out the kids.
You don’t pull the \hkids into-- even
rappers don’t go after the kids,
and they murder each other.
\hAnd Trump said the man has a Trump-hating wife.
\hBut, to be fair-- to be fair, I don’t even
know if that was an insult. \h\h\h\hBecause Donald Trump
also has a Trump-hating wife.
[applause]
You can’t tell me Melania \h\h\hdon’t hate that man.
\h\hIf anything, this week was confirmation.
If you all think Trump--
let me ask you this then.
\h\hDuring Donald Trump’s 45 minutes
as a political prisoner, \h\hwhere was his wife?
REPORTER: So many people have noticed the former first lady,
the former president’s \hwife, Melania Trump,
was not in attendance \h\h\h\h\hlast night.
REPORTER: His wife, former First Lady Melania Trump,
she was not there.
\h\hREPORTER: Among the guests were ardent Trump supporters,
\h\h\h\h\h\hincluding Congresswoman Marjorie
Taylor Greene and the MyPillow \h\h\h\hfounder, Mike Lindell.
One person noticeably absent last night was former First
Lady Melania Trump.
\hEven the pillow salesman showed up for the speech.
But his own wife didn’t show up.
\h\hAnd the speech was at the house.
Melania didn’t even \h\hcome downstairs.
She just-- she opened \hup the bedroom door.
(IMITATING MELANIA) Oh, you’re \h\hback from prison already.
Oh.
Now, look, we’re making jokes.
We’re making jokes, but there’s nothing
\h\h\hfunny about a former first lady not showing up
to her husband’s speech \hwhere he’s complaining
\h\habout getting arrested for lying
about paying off a porn star.
[laughter]
\h\h\hFrankly, I’m concerned about Melania’s whereabouts.
So we launched a search for her,
and that search is being headed by our very own Dulcé Sloan.
Dulcé.
[cheering]
Dulcé.
Now, Dulcé, you’re in Florida.
You’re in Florida, Dulcé.
Hello, poor people.
[laughter]
Yes, we are very poor, Dulcé.
Vacation!
Now--
I mean, working!
\h\h\h\hYou’re down there on the coast.
\hAre there any signs of Melania down there?
Oh, not yet.
\hYou know, I’ve been looking for her at the beach all day.
And after this, I’m going to look for her at brunch.
And then I might go look for her
at the front row of \ha Magic Mike show.
You know, I’m vigilant.
You know, vigilante out here.
Yeah.
Ain’t the Magic Mike \hshow in Las Vegas?
I think you’re taking advantage of the corporate expense
\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\haccount. We’ll talk about that later.
\h\hBut, first, let’s just-- while I got you, let’s just
talk about this whole thing.
Don’t you think that Melania \hshould leave Donald Trump?
I mean, the man was paying hush money to porn stars.
Roy, Roy, Roy.
You don’t understand, son.
The hush money was for Melania.
She’s the reason he \hdidn’t want people
to know about Stormy Daniels.
\hShit, if he wasn’t married, his campaign slogan would have
been, I [bleep] porn stars.
Bah, bah, bah, bah!
[laughter]
ROY WOOD JR: OK.
OK.
[applause]
\h\h\hBut for Melania, he paid a porn star $130,000.
Oh!
To know a love like that, oh.
OK.
\h\hYou know, I mean, it’s kind of romantic for a man
to just break bread \hlike that for you.
OK, OK I got you.
So then you think Melania \hshould stay with Donald.
[bleep] no.
[laughter]
He cheated on her with a porn star.
Come on.
I’ve dumped men for a lot less.
I broke up with a guy \hlast week because he
left me a voicemail.
[laughter]
A voicemail?
Sir, what year do you think this is?
\h\hJust leave a comment on my TikTok like an adult, grandpa.
OK.
So I see what you’re saying.
\hSo then you think Melania should have
dumped Trump back in 2016.
Got you.
Oh, hell no.
Listen, Uncle Roy, are you listening?
Why would she dump \hhim when he just
got elected el presidente?
You cheat on me.
\h\hYou think I’mma let some porn star be the first lady.
With the hell?
No!
[laughter]
No, bitch, I’m getting \h\h\ha portrait, OK?
\h\hA real one with paint and shit, OK?
[cheering]
ROY WOOD JR: OK, OK.
\hI’m talking about a canvas, the easel,
\hand we gonna sit there for seven hours and look happy,
damn it. \h- OK.
You’re going every \hwhich way then.
Dulcé, just tell me, what the \hhell should Melania do then?
She should be doing what she been doing.
Take advantage of Trump \h\hwhen he’s president.
\h\hAnd when he’s not, let his ass twist in the wind
\h\hwhile you at home watching Martin reruns
and banging his pool boys.
[cheering]
OK.
\hI mean, she’s doing it at Mar-a-Lago right now.
Wait.
So you know where she is.
\h\hWell, then why are you running up
an expense account on my week?
[laughter]
What you-- what?
This is my week hosting, \h\h\hand you running up
the bill with all this travel.
Come on.
Wow, this is how you treat a Black woman?
[laughter]
That’s not--
In April?
No, no, that’s not happening.
Black Women’s History Month?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
That’s not how I meant it. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Wow.
- That’s not how I meant it. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Wow.
\h\hThat’s not how-- no, no, no, no, no.
Let me--
No, I should be out \hhere with a Telfar
bag and Morris Chestnut.
\h\hAnd you out here trying to act like I’m not doing my job.
You know what?
I’mma get on my jet ski.
I got to do with you--
I got to do none of this.
Where my jet ski?
Dulcé Sloan, everybody.
[cheering]
All right, when we come \h\hback, Jordan Klepper
looks back at yesterday’s madness at the courthouse.
You don’t want to miss it.
[cheering]
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
Yesterday Jordan Klepper was down at the courthouse
for Donald Trump's arraignment.
We gave you a little taste of it yesterday-- some Santos,
some Marjorie Taylor Greene.
But today we'll hear what the Trump faithful have to say.
[audio logo]
JORDAN KLEPPER (VOICEOVER): Tuesday's arraignment
of former President Donald Trump
in New York was a first for the nation
and brought out the passionate, the sensibly
dressed, and the kind of men who really
disappoint their mothers.
Two genders.
ROY WOOD JR: While I had fun getting into the scrum,
I was surprised to find there were people who
wanted to have meaningful conversations
about the justice system.
I don't believe what we're-- what you're seeing is justice.
You don't believe in the grand jury process?
I don't believe if this was a civilian, it would--
I mean, he is a civilian.
He is a person who had a New York address.
So he shouldn't go through the grand jury process?
I believe it should be dismissed.
Because?
Because I--
I'm going by a general gut feeling.
The way I see it is the government
is stepping over their bounds in doing what they're doing
here, indicting Donald Trump.
This stuff happens all the time.
What stuff?
Paying off a porn star, and then fudging business records?
I mean, come on.
It's his own money for one thing.
And out of all the cases up against Donald Trump,
this is probably the weakest one.
Probably the weakest, yeah.
There's no evidence to bring about this prosecution.
So--
Well, we don't know that until there's
a grand jury, who can then see that evidence.
You know, listen, I think that everyone-- everyone
should get-- get a fair trial.
So you would support a grand jury looking
at all of the evidence, and if they
decide to indict Donald Trump, well,
then we will let that happen?
Sure, certainly, if there's evidence, every--
every piece of evidence should be heard.
Well, I mean, that's what happened here.
Hmm.
There's an excitement in the air.
It feels almost like the American version
of a royal event.
If the king [bleep] a porn star,
paid her, and then lied about it in business records,
like an American coronation.
ROY WOOD JR: And then the Donald arrived.
The former leader of the free world
was now possibly in the same room
as a group of recently-busted subway masturbators.
I think he wants media.
JORDAN KLEPPER: You think he orchestrated all of this?
Yeah, because his polls--
like, DeSantis was sort of-- was rising.
Now he's taken all the air out of the room now--
Trump.
In 2016 he had all the media--
Fox News, CNN was covering.
Now they don't cover him anymore.
Now they have to.
Getting arrested is the smartest thing he could do.
He's, like, one of the smartest guys that I know of.
You're talking about the man who's
getting fingerprinted inside that building right now.
I think they fingerprinted him already.
They have-- they have his DNA.
That guy's left his DNA in a lot of different places.
This is, like, the seventh time.
Could Trump run his election campaign from prison?
He could do anything-- Trump.
Yeah.
Would that dissuade you in any way?
Even if they give him 34 felonies,
you know, it's just like--
Trump-- he's untouchable.
He's untouchable, except for the person
who's literally touching his fingerprints right now.
Have you donated to the Trump campaign since he was--
I haven't thought about it up until now,
but I guess I'd consider it, sure.
Trump has fundraised, like, over $5 million for this.
So in some ways, it's almost like he's
getting paid to have sex.
Is he a sex worker?
I mean, it's cool.
There's no judgment.
Look, I think you guys are great.
I love senses of humor.
But in many ways, you should appreciate this is not funny.
Because they're going after Trump today,
they'll go after me tomorrow, and then they'll go after you.
Did you pay off a porn star, then lie
about your business records?
I'm sorry.
That's got to be frightening.
I guess he could come for us if we've been involved
in hush money payments, and then
lying on our business records, and then--
and then using that when it comes to the campaign as well.
Like, I guess that could happen to anybody.
JORDAN KLEPPER (VOICEOVER): Perhaps we don't need justice
to be blind, just friendly.
[cheering]
Thank you, Jordan.
All right.
Stay tuned because when we come back,
Cedric the Entertainer will be joining me on the show.
Don't go away.
I'm going to pretend to write on this paper.
[cheering]
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
\h\hMy guest tonight is one of the original Kings of Comedy.
\h\hHe’s also the star and executive producer
\h\hof the hit CBS series The Neighborhood, which will soon
celebrate its 100th episode.
\h\hI got her the most amazing gift, a genuine Chanel jacket
\hstraight off the runways of Paris.
Looked like it came straight from the Guangdong Province.
Yes, you gonna love it, baby.
You gonna-- here we go.
Ah, yes.
Oh, no.
Hey, man, that’s too small.
I can see that, Dave.
\h\h\hSo I don’t have to point out that it’s spelled channel.
No.
\h\h\h\hPlease, welcome Cedric the Entertainer.
[cheering]
OG.
Yeah.
Now--
What’s up?
Now, before we talk about anything, OG,
let me just ask a serious question off the rip, man.
What is your annual \h\hbudget on hats?
[laughter]
Every time I see you in a hat, I
never see a hat repeat itself.
It’s just hats, just \h\ha bunch of hat--
\h\hdoes your wife have any room for her shoes?
[laughter]
\h\hCEDRIC THE ENTERTAINER: That’s the constant battle.
It’s my hats against her shoes.
I’ve lost.
\hI definitely lose in that battle for sure.
So The Neighborhood.
Yeah, man.
Congratulations on 100 episodes.
Yeah, big one.
[cheering]
\h\h\h\h\hFirst and foremost, and you’re
directing the 100th episode of this television program.
And The Neighborhood-- I’ve \h\halways been a fan of it
\hbecause it’s a show that positions itself
\hwithin the issue of gentrification
and not addressing the bigger issue,
but just what it means \hto be a Black person
in a Black neighborhood and have a white person come in.
And you figuring out how to keep your culture while also
learning about someone else’s.
In the writer’s room, how \hare you all able to toe
that line on that \h\hissue and make
it so palpable for everybody?
\hIt was always the thing with the show.
I mean, you know, it was interesting
because when the show \h\hfirst came to me,
it was Here Comes the Neighborhood.
\hAnd I was like, oh, wait a minute.
So that’s a whole ’nother \h\hattitude right there.
I’m like, I’m already there.
\h\h\hThe neighborhood already exists, right?
[laughs]
So it was one of those things where we wanted
\hto be able to tell the story of, like,
how you feel when things come.
\h\hYou do want growth in your neighborhood.
You do want a Starbucks \h\h\hand a Whole Foods.
But you don’t want to do that \hwithout losing the culture.
You know what I’m saying?
\hSo, you know, and that’s the really how we tell the story.
We got great actors.
Max Greenfield, who plays Dave, is just legendary funny man,
killing it.
Tichina Arnold, Beth Behrs, \h\h\hMarcel Spears, we kill
it, man.
[applause]
So--
Now talk about directing.
What was that like?
Because the episode premieres next week.
But what was that like to sit \h\hbehind that camera and go,
you do this, and go get \h\hme a water, mother--
That was it. That was it.
That’s what I did.
[laughter]
That’s what everybody love.
\h\hI was like, yo, you’re the director.
You actually-- you get to paint the picture.
That’s what I say.
You know, you’re the one that’s kind of literally putting all
the colors on the canvas and just--
\h\hand so you get to tell people just for no reason,
I don’t like the tie. I don’t like the tie.
Lose the tie. You know what?
No, the tie good.
Keep your tie on.
You know, so-- but, actually, \h\hit was that kind of thing
where I got great actors.
\hYou really just give them the best
place to deliver and get off.
And that’s what I really \hlearned as a director
for the most part.
\h\h\h\hI’ve been doing-- I’ve directed a couple of episodes
of The Neighborhood \hand then The Soul
\hMan that I used to have, my other show with Niecy.
And so that’s the idea, \h\hreally just finding
that place where a comic can get off or an actor
\h\hand just, like, show them where they
need to be for it to happen.
Well, I can’t thank you \henough for what you’ve
\h\hdone for not just the culture of entertainment,
but also just the culture \h\h\h\hof standup comedy.
And it’s not something that \hyou toot your horn about.
It’s not something that you \htalk about a lot publicly.
\h\hBut I want to give you flowers today, OG,
because you have staffed and \hemployed so many people--
Black, white, women-- \hjust so many people.
And there are so many comedians.
[cheering]
You know, it’s one thing to be someone in this industry
and create a great \hcomedy special.
\hBut I measure the worth of a comedian
by how many homeowners does \hhe create within his team.
\h\hAnd it’s a bunch of them over there.
Thank you so much.
Ced the Entertainer, everybody.
Yeah, man.
[cheering]
\h\h\hThe 100th episode of The Neighborhood as April
10 on CBS and Paramount+.
\h\h\hWe’re going to take a quick break.
We’ll be right back after this.
[cheering]
That’s our show for tonight.
But before we go, please--
please, consider donating to the Tutwiler Garden Program
at Troy University in Alabama.
The program partners \h\hcollege students
with female inmates \hat Tutwiler Prison
\h\h\h\h\h\h\hto teach about horticulture and nutrition.
\h\h\hIf you can, please, donate at the link below.
\h\hNow here it is, your Moment of Zen.
\hDonald Trump has called for America
\h\h\hto defund the police, particularly
\h\hthe FBI, the Department of Justice, because the Democrats
have weaponized law enforcement All right, who in this panel--
\h\hraise your hand-- who thinks that’s a good idea?
All right, nobody.
ANNOUNCER: MTV.