♪
>> Announcer: FROM
NEW YORK CITY, THE ONLY CITY IN
AMERICA, IT'S THE SHOW THAT
INVENTED NEWS.
THIS IS "THE DAILY SHOW" WITH
YOUR HOST, JOHN LEGUIZAMO!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: YO, YO, WHAT'S UP!
WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."
I'M JOHN LEGUIZAMO.
AND, YO, IT'S MY LAST DAY HERE,
OH, YEAH.
IT'S BEEN AMAZING MAN.
I'VE JUST BEEN HAVING FUN,
GOOFIN', SPEAKING OUT ON TOPICS
I CARE ABOUT.
THERE'S NO AMOUNT OF MONEY THAT
COULD MATCH THIS FEELING.
BUT IF YOU'RE FEELING
GENEROUS...
[SHAKES JAR]
AND I ALSO TAKE VENMO.
ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
SO LET'S GET INTO THE HEADLINES!
♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, WE'VE HAD SUCH A
HEAVY WEEK OF NEWS, SO I THOUGHT
WE WOULD WRAP UP SOME THINGS
THIS WEEK WITH SOME LIGHTHEARTED
NEWS THAT IS REALLY GOING TO PUT
A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.
>> WE ARE INTERRUPTING THIS
PACKAGE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE
HAVE SOME BREAKING NEWS AND IT
IS HISTORIC NEWS OUT OF LOWER
MANHATTAN RIGHT NOW, A FEDERAL
JURY, A GRAND JURY HAS VOTED TO
INDICT FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP,
THE FIRST TIME EVER A FORMER
PRESIDENT HAS BEEN CRIMINALLY
CHARGED.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: YEAH!
WHOO!
THAT'S RIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH, YEAH!
THAT'S RIGHT!
THAT'S RIGHT, LADY JUSTICE
GRABBED TRUMP BY THE PUSSY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND YOU KNOW, I TAKE A FIRM
STANCE AGAINST MASS
INCARCERATION, OKAY?
BUT FOR THIS, I AM WILLING TO
MAKE AN EXCEPTION.
I JUST HOPE THEY TAKE IT EASY ON
HIM AND PUT HIM AT LEAST IN A
CELL WITH HIS LAWYER.
BUT HEY, LET THIS BE A LESSON TO
ALL YOU KIDS OUT THERE, OKAY?
IF YOU COMMIT FRAUD TO COVER UP
AN AFFAIR WITH A PORN STAR, THE
LAW WILL CATCH UP TO YOU AFTER,
LIKE, SEVEN YEARS.
AND A FULL TERM AS PRESIDENT.
NOW I KNOW WE ARE ALL GOING TO
SEE HIM PUT IN HANDCUFFS BUT WE
DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S ALL GOING TO
GO DOWN.
THE REPORT IS THAT THEY ARE
GOING TO TRY TO NEGOTIATE HIS
SURRENDER.
EITHER THAT OR THEY WILL LEAVE A
TRAIL OF BIG MANS LEADING TO THE
PRISON.
AND A LOT OF PUNDITS, LIKE
LINDSEY GRAHAM, ARE SAYING THIS
IS GOING TO BE GOOD FOR TRUMP.
[BLEEP], WHY DON'T YOU GET
ARRESTED AND SEE IF IT IS GOOD
FOR YOU?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SHIT.
ANYWAY, WE DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS
WILL ACTUALLY ARREST HIM OR HOW
IT IS GOING TO PAN OUT BUT HEY,
MAYBE GOING TO PRISON MIGHT BE
GOOD FOR TRUMP, MAYBE WHAT HE
NEEDS BECAUSE AT LEAST IN
PRISON, HE WILL BE ABLE TO
PURSUE HIS GREATEST PASSIONS:
READING, WORKING OUT, AND
CONVERTING TO ISLAM.
ALL RIGHT.
[LAUGHS]
THERE IS STILL OTHER STUFF GOING
ON, SO LET'S SHIFT GEARS AND
TALK ABOUT FOX NEWS.
I KNOW, I KNOW, LOOK, I KNOW.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK THEY'VE GOTTEN A BAD
RAP.
SERIOUSLY.
EVERYONE'S SAYING THAT THEY'RE
PROPAGANDA, THEY'RE NOT A REAL
ORGANIZATION, BUT I THINK THAT'S
ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING.
IN FACT, IF YOU CAN PROVE TO ME
THAT FOX NEWS INTENTIONALLY LIES
TO ITS VIEWERS, I'LL SHAVE MY
BEARD.
>> ANOTHER STUNNING NEW FILING
IN THE DOMINION LAWSUIT AGAINST
FOX.
NEWLY REVEALED EMAILS SHOWING
FOX NEWS CHIEF EXECUTIVE
SUZANNE SCOTT LASHING OUT IN AN
EMAIL AFTER A CORRESPONDENT
FACT-CHECKED TRUMP'S ELECTION
LIES.
>> SHE SAID, "THIS HAS TO STOP"
AND GOES ON TO SAY "THIS IS BAD
BUSINESS, AND THERE CLEARLY IS A
LACK OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT IS
HAPPENING IN THESE SHOWS.
THE AUDIENCE IS FURIOUS, AND WE
ARE JUST FEEDING THEM MATERIAL.
BAD FOR BUSINESS."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELL, THAT WILL TEACH
ME.
I GUESS I LOST.
BUT YEAH, FOX NEWS GOT MAD AT
THEIR FACT-CHECKER.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD A
FACT-CHECKER.
IT'S LIKE HEARING THERE'S A HEAD
OF DIVERSITY AT THE KKK.
AND SECONDLY, WHAT KIND OF NEWS
NETWORK GETS MAD WHEN THEIR
JOURNALISTS DO JOURNALISM?
ONE OF THEIR REPORTERS COULD WIN
A PULITZER PRIZE AND HIS BOSS
WOULD BE LIKE,
"DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD THIS LOOKS
FOR US?
YOU BETTER GO ON AIR AND SAY
HILLARY CLINTON IS A VAMPIRE
LESBIAN OR YOU'RE FIRED."
YO, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT
OTHER THINGS FOX ADMITS TO IN
THESE EMAILS.
WE'RE A FEW WEEKS AWAY FROM
FINDING OUT SEAN HANNITY DOES A
DRAG STORY HOUR AT HIS LOCAL
KINDERGARTEN.
[APPLAUSE]
YEAH, YEAH.
AND FINALLY, LET'S MOVE ONTO A
BIG STORY ABOUT ARTIFICIAL
INTELLIGENCE.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
EVERYONE'S SCARED OF IT.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK AI HAS GOTTEN A BAD RAP.
NO, NO, SERIOUSLY.
IN FACT, IF YOU CAN SHOW ME THAT
ANY ACTUAL EXPERTS IN TECHNOLOGY
ARE WORRIED THAT AI IS GOING TO
TAKE OVER THE WORLD, I'LL SHAVE
MY PUBES.
>> THIS MORNING, A WARNING FROM
ELON MUSK AND OTHER TECH
INDUSTRY EXPERTS ABOUT THE POWER
OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.
MUSK AND HUNDREDS OF INFLUENTIAL
NAMES, INCLUDING APPLE
CO-FOUNDER STEVE WOZNIAK, ARE
CALLING FOR A PAUSE IN
EXPERIMENTS, SAYING, AI POSES A
DRAMATIC RISK TO SOCIETY UNLESS
THERE'S PROPER OVERSIGHT.
TECH INDUSTRY LEADERS POSED
THESE EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS:
SHOULD WE DEVELOP NONHUMAN MINDS
THAT MIGHT EVENTUALLY OUTNUMBER,
OUTSMART, OBSOLETE, AND REPLACE
US?
SHOULD WE RISK LOSS OF CONTROL
OF OUR CIVILIZATION?
MUSK AND OTHERS ARE ASKING
DEVELOPERS TO STOP THE TRAINING
OF AI SYSTEMS MORE POWERFUL THAN
GPT4 FOR AT LEAST SIX MONTHS SO
THAT SAFETY PROTOCOLS CAN BE
ESTABLISHED.
[CLIPPERS BUZZING]
>> John: I GOT TO STOP MAKING
THESE STUPID PROMISES BEFORE I
GO TO NEWS CLIPS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT YES, THAT'S RIGHT, AI IS
GETTING TOO POWERFUL.
AS SOON AS IT KNOWS HOW TO PICK
WHICH OF THESE IMAGES IS A BIKE,
WE ARE [BLEEP].
NOW FOR MORE ON AI'S THREAT TO
HUMANITY,
WE GO LIVE TO CHATGPT
HEADQUARTERS WHERE DESI LYDIC IS
JOINING US!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WOW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WOW.
DESI, WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE YOU
ARE DRESSED FOR A WAR?
>> BECAUSE I AM DRESSED FOR A
WAR.
AND ALSO, THERE WAS A SALE
DICK'S SPORTING GOODS.
MOSTLY A WAR THING.
IT IS US VERSUS THE MACHINES AND
IT IS TIME TO PICK A SIDE.
>> John: DESI, WHY ARE YOU SO
EAGER TO GO TO WAR WITH AI?
>> COME ON, JOHN.
WAR WITH THE MACHINES IS
INEVITABLE.
SO LET'S DO IT NOW WHILE IT IS
STILL A CHAT BOT INSTEAD OF
WAITING UNTIL AS A BLOODTHIRSTY
KILL BOT.
LOOK, IF THERE IS ONE THING
I LEARNED FROM WORKING AT
CHUCK E. CHEESE, IT'S A LOT
EASIER TO FIGHT A CHILD THAN AN
ADULT.
>> John: I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T
KNOW.
DESI, WAR WITH AI SOUNDS LIKE A
REALLY BAD IDEA.
>> NO WAY!
WAR WITH AI WOULD GIVE HUMANITY
A COMMON PURPOSE.
WE'RE SO DIVIDED RIGHT NOW,
RUSSIA VERSUS UKRAINE,
DEMOCRATS VERSUS REPUBLICANS,
SELENA GOMEZ FANS VERSUS
HAILEY BIEBER FANS.
BUT NOW, IT'S US VERSUS THE
MACHINES!
VERSUS HAILEY BIEBER FANS.
>> John: HEY, DESI, AI IS
GETTING MORE POWERFUL BY THE
DAY.
WHAT IF WE START THIS WAR, THEN
IMMEDIATELY LOSE IT?
>> I AM PRETTY SURE YOU NEVER
LOSE A WAR THAT YOU START.
BUT IF WE DO, THEN WE ARE GOING
OUT TOGETHER, JOHN.
YOU AND ME, IN A BUNKER, WITH
TWO CYANIDE PILLS.
I TAKE THEM BOTH AND YOU
STRANGLE YOURSELF WITH YOUR BARE
HANDS.
>> John: OH, COME ON, COULDN'T I
HAVE ONE OF THE CYANIDE PILLS?
>> NO, IT WAS MY IDEA.
I GET THEM BOTH.
>> John: COME ON, DESI, YOU'RE
GETTING AHEAD OF YOURSELF, FOR
ALL WE KNOW, AI COULD LEAD
HUMANITY TO A NEW GOLDEN AGE OF
SOMETHING.
>> OH, SWEET JOHN, SWEET, NAIVE,
PUBELESS JOHN LEGUIZAMO.
TAKE IT FROM ME.
HUMANS AND ROBOTS CAN NEVER
COEXIST.
LIKE I SAID TO MY MANAGER AT
CHUCK E. CHEESE'S, I WOULD
RATHER DIE ON MY FEET THAN LIVE
ONE MORE DAY
IN THIS ANIMATRONIC HELLSCAPE.
SO CLEAN THE PISS OUT OF THE
BALL PIT YOURSELF, DOUG, I QUIT!
>> John: DESI LYDIC, EVERYBODY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, WHEN WE COME BACK,
WE'LL TALK ABOUT WHAT'S REALLY
HAPPENING AT THE BORDER.
SO DON'T GO AWAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELCOME BACK TO
"THE DAILY SHOW."
TONIGHT, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT
THE SCARIEST TOPIC YOU'LL EVER
HEAR ABOUT ON THE CAMPAIGN
TRAIL: THE SOUTHERN BORDER!
[THUNDER CRACKS]
WAIT, SORRY, THAT WAS THE WRONG
SOUND EFFECT.
THE SOUTHERN BORDER!
[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS]
SEE?
THAT'S NOT SO SCARY!
IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW YOU FRAME IT.
BECAUSE WHENEVER AMERICANS HEAR
ABOUT THE BORDER, IT'S ALWAYS SO
NEGATIVE.
BUT THE TRUTH IS, AMERICA'S
SOUTHERN BORDER HAS A RICH
HISTORY, STEEPED IN
CROSS-CULTURAL POLLINATION.
BECAUSE FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS,
THAT AREA HAS BEEN THE GRAND
CENTRAL STATION OF THE
CONTINENT.
IN FACT, FOR WELL OVER A
CENTURY, AMERICA HAD NO
BARRIER AT ALL ON ITS BORDER.
AND WHEN THEY FINALLY PUT ONE
UP, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH
PEOPLE.
>> IN THE EARLY 1900s, TICKS ARE
CAUSING DISEASE AMONG COWS IN
RURAL AREAS.
THOSE COWS ARE CROSSING BACK AND
FORTH OVER THE BORDER.
SO THE FIRST EVER BORDER FENCE
IS ACTUALLY BUILT TO KEEP COWS
FROM SPREADING DISEASE.
>> John: THAT'S RIGHT: THE FIRST
BORDER FENCE WAS TO KEEP OUT
TICKS.
IF THE ONE TIME IT WASN'T RACIST
TO SAY,
"WE GOT TO STOP THESE FILTHY
ANIMALS FROM CROSSING OVER
HERE."
AND THAT IS JUST ONE OF MANY
THINGS PEOPLE GET WRONG WHEN IT
COMES TO AMERICA'S SOUTHERN
BORDER.
SO I THOUGHT TONIGHT, WE COULD
SEPARATE BORDER MYTHS FROM
BORDER FACTS IN ANOTHER
INSTALLMENT OF
"LONG STORY SHORT."
♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LOOK, WE CAN TALK ABOUT NUMBERS
OR FIGURES, OR DEMOGRAPHICS,
BUT THE IMMIGRATION DEBATE IS
NEVER ABOUT FACTS, IT'S ABOUT
FEAR.
"HORDES OF MACHETE-WIELDING
ILLEGALS POURING OVER THE BORDER
TO TAKE YOUR JOB AND PUT
FENTANYL IN YOUR GUACAMOLE.
THAT'S WHY IT ALWAYS COSTS
EXTRA!"
YO, THIS TYPE OF RHETORIC ISN'T
MEANT TO SOLVE ANY PROBLEMS.
IT'S MEANT TO DEHUMANIZE
IMMIGRANTS INTO ZOMBIE
CRIMINALS, BECAUSE THEN ALL
YOU'LL WANT TO DO IS TO
"BUILD THE WALL!"
THE PHRASE MADE FAMOUS BY
THE MAN WHO MIGHT HAVE TO HOLD
HIS NEXT INAUGURATION IN PRISON
CAFETERIA.
>> MOST ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IS
COMING FROM OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.
>> WE WILL BUILD A GREAT WALL
AND WE WILL STOP ILLEGAL
IMMIGRATION FOR GOOD.
>> WE'LL BUILD A WALL, FOLKS,
DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.
GO TO SLEEP.
GO HOME, GO TO SLEEP, REST
ASSURED.
>> John: GO TO SLEEP?
GO TO SLEEP?
THIS IS THE WORST BEDTIME STORY
EVER.
NO WONDER THESE KIDS ARE SO
[BLEEP] UP.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOW TO HEAR TRUMP TELL IT, A
WALL WOULD PUT A STOP TO ILLEGAL
IMMIGRATION.
BUT THAT'S A MYTH, BECAUSE THE
TRUTH IS, THESE DAYS, A MAJORITY
OF UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS COME
INTO THE COUNTRY LEGALLY AND
THEN JUST OVERSTAY THEIR VISAS.
THAT MEANS MOST ILLEGAL
IMMIGRATION DOESN'T START AT
THE RIO GRANDE, IT STARTS AT THE
AIRPORT BETWEEN THE CINNABON
AND THE BAGGAGE CLAIM.
BY THE WAY, DONALD TRUMP OF ALL
PEOPLE, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD
UNDERSTAND WANTING TO STAY
LONGER THAN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO.
YEP.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HERE'S ANOTHER MYTH.
BECAUSE FOR SOME DEMAGOGUES,
BROWN PEOPLE COMING TO AMERICA
ISN'T SCARY ENOUGH ON ITS OWN.
SO THERE'S ONE SPECIFIC TYPE OF
IMMIGRANT THAT THEY WANT TO
SCARE YOU ABOUT:
THE DRUG SMUGGLERS.
>> ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FROM
MEXICO WHO ARE TRAFFICKING THESE
PILLS THAT LOOK LIKE CANDY FOR
CHILDREN INTO THE COUNTRY.
>> THEY'RE CARRYING DRUGS ON
THEIR BACK.
THEY ARE BRINGING FENTANYL.
>> THOSE PEOPLE ARE BRINGING IN
FENTANYL, WHICH IS KILLING
THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS EVERY
MONTH.
>> IT'S NOT LIKE FENTANYL WALKS
ACROSS THE BORDER BY ITSELF.
IT COMES WITH ILLEGAL
IMMIGRANTS.
>> John: OF COURSE FENTANYL
DOESN'T WALK ACROSS THE BORDER
BY ITSELF!
DO YOU KNOW THE STREET VALUE OF
FENTANYL?
THAT BITCH DRIVES A CADDY.
BUT YEAH, THEY WANT TO SCARE YOU
ABOUT THE HORDES OF CRIMINALS
COMING ACROSS THE BORDER TO
PROFIT OFF OF OUR OPIOID CRISIS,
WHICH IS MESSED UP.
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE
PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES FOR!
BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT ONLY
.02% OF PEOPLE ARRESTED BY
BORDER PATROL FOR CROSSING
ILLEGALLY HAD FENTANYL ON THEM.
BUT GUESS WHO IS BEING ARRESTED
FOR SMUGGLING FENTANYL?
AMERICAN CITIZENS.
THEY'RE 86% OF CONVICTED
FENTANYL TRAFFICKERS.
SO WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT A
FENTANYL TRAFFICKER, THINK LESS
ABOUT THIS, AND MORE ABOUT THIS.
"BRO, DUDE, I GOT FENTANYL UP MY
ASS, I GOT IT MY EARS, UP MY
NOSE.
I WISH I HAD ANOTHER ORIFICE,
I'D PACK IT FULL OF FENTANYL.
BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES, BRO."
AND HERE'S THE BIGGER POINT I'M
TRYING TO MAKE:
THE VAST, VAST MAJORITY OF
UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS DO NOT
SELL DRUGS, THEY DO NOT SHOOT
PEOPLE, THEY DO NOT COMMIT
TERRORISM, THEY DO NOT COMMIT
ANY CRIMES!
THEY'RE HUMAN BEINGS SEARCHING
FOR A BETTER LIFE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND THEY DON'T WANT TO GET IN
TROUBLE, ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY
DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT AND
BE DEPORTED.
I'M THE SAME WAY!
WHEN I'M A GUEST IN SOMEONE'S
HOUSE, I'M ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR:
I TAKE OFF MY SHOES,
I HOLD IN MY FARTS,
I BRING A BOTTLE OF
SAUVINGNON BLANC.
BUT WHEN I'M IN MY OWN HOUSE?
I AM IN THE LIVING ROOM
TERRORIZING THE COUCH WITH MY
BARE BALLS.
THAT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.
WE SHOT THAT BEFORE I SHAVE THE
BEARD.
ANYWAY, HERE'S ANOTHER MYTH
THESE DEMAGOGUES SAY:
THAT MIGRANTS ARE STEALING
AMERICAN JOBS.
>> WHEN YOU HAVE A WIDE OPEN
BORDER AND YOU GOT MILLIONS OF
ILLEGAL ALIENS COMING INTO OUR
COUNTRY, WHERE DO YOU THINK
THOSE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DO?
THEY'RE GOING TO GO TAKE JOBS
THAT COULD HAVE OTHERWISE BEEN
AMERICAN JOBS.
>> MILLIONS OF AMERICAN JOBS ARE
DISAPPEARING AT THE HANDS OF
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.
>> JOE BIDEN'S 5 MILLION ILLEGAL
ALIENS ARE ON THE VERGE OF
REPLACING YOU, REPLACING YOUR
JOBS.
>> John: YEAH!
THESE IMMIGRANTS ARE TAKING ALL
THE JOBS!
FOOD JOBS, FARM JOBS,
STEVE JOBS -- ALL OF THEM!
THESE DEMAGOGUES WANT YOU TO
BELIEVE THAT IF YOU LOST YOUR
JOB, IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF
CORPORATE OUTSOURCING,
OR AUTOMATION, OR THE
DESTRUCTION OF UNIONS,
OR COST CUTTING TO MAXIMIZE
PROFITS FOR SHAREHOLDERS.
NO, IT'S JOSE'S FAULT!
SHAME ON YOU, JOSE!
BUT THE TRUTH IS, UNDOCUMENTED
IMMIGRANTS ARE MOSTLY FILLING
JOBS THAT AMERICANS HAVE NO
INTEREST IN DOING.
I MEAN, ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME
THERE ARE AMERICANS JUST LINING
UP, WISHING THEY COULD PICK
VEGETABLES IN THE SUN ALL DAY?
AMERICA IS A TRIP, MAN.
FIRST, YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANY
OF THE FIELD WORK, AND NOW YOU
WANT TO DO ALL OF THE FIELD
WORK?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!
SO, LONG STORY SHORT,
WE CAN DEBATE ABOUT THE BORDER
BUT WE CANNOT DEHUMANIZE THESE
PEOPLE.
THAT IS NOT GOING TO LEAD TO THE
RIGHT POLICIES, THAT IS ONLY
GOING TO LEAD TO TRAGEDIES.
THE NEXT TIME YOU HEAR PEOPLE
SCARE-MONGERING YOU ABOUT THE
BORDER, REMEMBER THEY'RE NOT
PREACHING FACTS, THEY'RE
PROMOTING FEAR.
AND THAT'S THE ONLY WALL THEY'VE
BUILT: THE ONE BETWEEN
THEMSELVES AND REALITY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, WHEN WE COME BACK,
I'LL BE JOINED BY CONGRESSMAN
RICHIE TORRES.
YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.
Hey.
Welcome back to The Daily Show.
My guest tonight represents parts of the Bronx
in the United States Congress.
Please welcome Democratic Representative Ritchie Torres.
Ritchie.
Wow.
You know, we just had breaking news.
Donald Trump has been voted to be indicted by a grand jury,
the first president to be indicted,
former first president to be indicted.
What are your thoughts?
Well, Donald Trump announced on Truth Social
that he's been "indicated" rather than "indicted" but--
JOHN: [laughs] Of course.
No spell check for the president.
He probably should have Chachi PT help him put
together tweets, but I don't--
you know, Donald Trump--
[laughs]
JOHN: I know.
You know, Donald Trump has been
a pathological liar and lawbreaker his whole life
and has gotten away with it.
Oh, yeah.
Like, he's a master of getting away with it.
And finally, he's facing the accountability he deserves.
But--
[loud cheers]
JOHN: I know.
I want to see that perp walk.
I'm dying for that that's the only thing I want to see.
But I will confess, of all the crimes that he's committed
in his life, I never thought in my wildest dreams
that he would be taken down by hush payments to a porn star.
I mean, that's-- JOHN: Right.
True that. True that.
So he's like-- he's like the Al
Capone of American politics. - Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, for real.
Well put, well put.
Now, you're the first openly gay Afro-Latino congressman.
CONGRESSMAN TORRES: You're outing me publicly.
Come on.
Oh, no, no, no.
I would never do that.
And you're part of the Hispanic Caucus, the Black
Caucus, the Equity Caucus.
Don't you think all these caucuses
should caucus together and create a ginormous caucus?
How powerful would that caucus be?
Look, for us, diversity is not a source of division.
It's a source of unity.
JOHN: It should be.
I mean, the House Democratic Caucus
is the most diverse legislative caucus in American history.
70% of the caucus consists of members
of the LGBTQ community, women, people of color.
Like, the House Democratic Caucus
has more diversity and intersectionality
than George Santos.
[laughter]
Speaking of George Santos--
And by the way, George Santos and I
were the only gay Latinos in the New
York congressional delegation, so we're very close.
Well, does he pretend that he's somebody else
when you try to talk to him?
You know, I avoid him.
JOHN: Oh, you're the one that avoids him.
That's what I thought.
But, you know, I have trouble keeping track of his lies.
But, you know, he's pretended to be
a gay, biracial, Ukrainian, Belgian, Brazilian, Jewish,
volleyball champion, Wall Street banker, whose mother
died twice, including on 9/11, whose ancestors survived
the Holocaust, whose employees died
in the Pulse mass shooting.
I mean, his life story is the greatest
fiction in the history of congressional politics.
Oh, my god, that's so true.
That's why-- that's why I introduced
"Stopping Another Non-Truthful Office Seeker Act."
- The SANTOS Act? - Yes.
Yes.
How long did it take you to come up with that acronym?
Come on.
I was born with that acronym in mind.
[laughter]
Oh, shit.
[laughter]
What can I say to that?
I feel like my life is like a drama.
I mean, January 6 was my third day on the job.
JOHN: Wow, just your third day.
Third day on the job.
And so if someone had said to a younger version of myself,
Ritchie, you're going to become a member of Congress
during a global pandemic, and witness an insurrection
against the US Capitol, and then vote
to impeach the host of The Celebrity Apprentice,
and all of that would happen within the first two weeks,
I would have said, that sounds like a movie
written by George Santos.
[laughter]
So true.
So true, man.
Well, well put, my brother.
Now-- now, you know, we had this terrible shooting
this week.
I wanted to ask you about gun reform.
I mean, Republicans, they don't want
to support background checks--
they-- or mental fund programs.
I mean, what do we do about this?
How do how do we deal with them?
Look, whenever there's a mass shooting,
Republicans are quick to bring up mental illness.
JOHN: Right.
Every society on Earth has mental illness.
We are the only wealthy country that has an epidemic of gun
violence in mass shootings.
JOHN: True that.
That is not--
like, let's be clear, it's not an inevitability.
It's a public policy choice.
Like, we as a society, have chosen to put our own children
at risk of gun violence.
And there are Republicans who claim
we're powerless because there's evil in the world.
And my view is if you're too powerless to protect children
from mass murder, then you have no business being in Congress.
JOHN: Yes!
Like, what do you--
That's why I voted for you!
Thank you.
Well, if you voted for me without being in my district,
that's voter fraud.
So I want to--
No, that's why I campaigned for you.
I appreciate that. I appreciate that.
- I didn't vote twice. - I appreciate that.
I tried, but I couldn't.
Although your endorsement is an illegal contribution.
And we just had a former president indicted so I--
No, I didn't contribute.
I stomped for you.
I appreciate it.
Yeah, yeah.
That's why you're my new NBC show, the docuseries that I'm
doing, Leguizamo Does America.
You're in my third episode. - Thank you.
Thank you, Ritchie. That was a blast, man.
Thank you for coming on. - Appreciate it.
Thank you.
OK, we're going to take a quick break,
but we'll be right back after this.
[cheers and applause] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW
FOR TONIGHT.
THAT WAS MY TIME AS YOUR HOST.
BUT STAY TUNED BECAUSE NEXT
WEEK, YOUR HOST IS GOING TO BE
ROY WOOD JR.!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF
ME, PLEASE TUNE INTO MY NEW SIX
PART SERIES, "LEGUIZAMO DOES
AMERICA."
TAKE A LOOK.
>> YO, I WANT TO WEAR THIS!
COME ON!
>> LOOK AT THIS.
>> LOOK AT THAT!
>> DUDE, WHAT ABOUT ONE OF THESE
THESE?
>> THAT IS LIKE PAPI LIKES MATH,
A COUPLE PENCILS, PROTRACTOR.
>> WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?
>> REFEREE, GUCCI.
WHEN YOU GUYS PLAY SOCCER, I
SAY, YOU'VE GOT A FOUL.
THERE IS A FIGHT.
OKAY, GUYS.
FIGHT OVER.
KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF.
HEY, STOP FIGHTING, STOP
FIGHTING.
NEITHER ONE OF US ARE TALL
ENOUGH.
>> IT IS LIKE HIGH-FIVING AN NBA
PLAYER.
>> WHAT'S UP, SHAQ?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> John: OKAY, YOU CAN WATCH
THIS STREAMING ON PEACOCK
STARTING SUNDAY, APRIL 16TH,
10:00 P.M. EASTERN.
NOW HERE IT IS, YOUR
"MOMENT OF ZEN."
>> IS IT TRUE THAT YOU HAVE AN
ONLYFANS PAGE AND YOU CAN PEEL A
BANANA WITH YOUR FEET?
>> I DON'T HAVE ONE.
I WILL INDULGE YOU THIS.
I JUST DISCOVERED WHAT ONLYFANS
WAS ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO WHEN
IT WAS BROUGHT UP IN A
DISCUSSION IN MY OFFICE.
>> WHAT DID YOU THINK?
>> I WAS OBLIVIOUS TO THE WHOLE
CONCEPT.
[LAUGHTER]