1
00:00:02,586 --> 00:00:03,241
♪

2
00:00:03,241 --> 00:00:04,620
>> Announcer: FROM

3
00:00:04,620 --> 00:00:06,103
NEW YORK CITY, THE ONLY CITY IN

4
00:00:06,103 --> 00:00:07,275
AMERICA, IT'S THE SHOW THAT

5
00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:08,931
INVENTED NEWS.

6
00:00:08,931 --> 00:00:09,758
THIS IS "THE DAILY SHOW" WITH

7
00:00:09,758 --> 00:00:13,344
YOUR HOST, JOHN LEGUIZAMO!

8
00:00:13,344 --> 00:00:18,137
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

9
00:00:18,137 --> 00:00:28,275
♪

10
00:00:28,275 --> 00:00:30,482
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

11
00:00:30,482 --> 00:00:32,586
>> John: YO, YO, WHAT'S UP!

12
00:00:32,586 --> 00:00:33,724
WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW."

13
00:00:33,724 --> 00:00:40,000
I'M JOHN LEGUIZAMO.

14
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:44,310
AND, YO, IT'S MY LAST DAY HERE,

15
00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:45,724
OH, YEAH.

16
00:00:45,724 --> 00:00:48,034
IT'S BEEN AMAZING MAN.

17
00:00:48,034 --> 00:00:49,000
I'VE JUST BEEN HAVING FUN,

18
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:49,793
GOOFIN', SPEAKING OUT ON TOPICS

19
00:00:49,793 --> 00:00:50,310
I CARE ABOUT.

20
00:00:50,310 --> 00:00:51,172
THERE'S NO AMOUNT OF MONEY THAT

21
00:00:51,172 --> 00:00:51,862
COULD MATCH THIS FEELING.

22
00:00:51,862 --> 00:00:52,448
BUT IF YOU'RE FEELING

23
00:00:52,448 --> 00:00:56,413
GENEROUS...

24
00:00:56,413 --> 00:00:57,241
[SHAKES JAR]

25
00:00:57,241 --> 00:00:59,000
AND I ALSO TAKE VENMO.

26
00:00:59,000 --> 00:00:59,724
ALL RIGHT, WE'VE GOT A GREAT

27
00:00:59,724 --> 00:01:01,137
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

28
00:01:01,137 --> 00:01:02,482
SO LET'S GET INTO THE HEADLINES!

29
00:01:02,482 --> 00:01:03,827
♪

30
00:01:03,827 --> 00:01:10,827
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

31
00:01:10,827 --> 00:01:12,241
ALL RIGHT, WE'VE HAD SUCH A

32
00:01:12,241 --> 00:01:13,482
HEAVY WEEK OF NEWS, SO I THOUGHT

33
00:01:13,482 --> 00:01:15,413
WE WOULD WRAP UP SOME THINGS

34
00:01:15,413 --> 00:01:16,620
THIS WEEK WITH SOME LIGHTHEARTED

35
00:01:16,620 --> 00:01:17,379
NEWS THAT IS REALLY GOING TO PUT

36
00:01:17,379 --> 00:01:20,000
A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

37
00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:21,482
>> WE ARE INTERRUPTING THIS

38
00:01:21,482 --> 00:01:22,172
PACKAGE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE

39
00:01:22,172 --> 00:01:23,275
HAVE SOME BREAKING NEWS AND IT

40
00:01:23,275 --> 00:01:24,931
IS HISTORIC NEWS OUT OF LOWER

41
00:01:24,931 --> 00:01:25,655
MANHATTAN RIGHT NOW, A FEDERAL

42
00:01:25,655 --> 00:01:29,793
JURY, A GRAND JURY HAS VOTED TO

43
00:01:29,793 --> 00:01:30,517
INDICT FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP,

44
00:01:30,517 --> 00:01:32,482
THE FIRST TIME EVER A FORMER

45
00:01:32,482 --> 00:01:34,275
PRESIDENT HAS BEEN CRIMINALLY

46
00:01:34,275 --> 00:01:35,000
CHARGED.

47
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:40,655
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

48
00:01:40,655 --> 00:01:47,000
>> John: YEAH!

49
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:47,586
WHOO!

50
00:01:47,586 --> 00:01:50,965
THAT'S RIGHT!

51
00:01:50,965 --> 00:01:52,620
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

52
00:01:52,620 --> 00:01:56,206
YEAH, YEAH!

53
00:01:56,206 --> 00:02:00,413
THAT'S RIGHT!

54
00:02:00,413 --> 00:02:00,896
THAT'S RIGHT!

55
00:02:00,896 --> 00:02:03,482
THAT'S RIGHT, LADY JUSTICE

56
00:02:03,482 --> 00:02:08,000
GRABBED TRUMP BY THE PUSSY.

57
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:08,827
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

58
00:02:08,827 --> 00:02:12,344
AND YOU KNOW, I TAKE A FIRM

59
00:02:12,344 --> 00:02:12,931
STANCE AGAINST MASS

60
00:02:12,931 --> 00:02:13,482
INCARCERATION, OKAY?

61
00:02:13,482 --> 00:02:16,310
BUT FOR THIS, I AM WILLING TO

62
00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:16,965
MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

63
00:02:16,965 --> 00:02:18,379
I JUST HOPE THEY TAKE IT EASY ON

64
00:02:18,379 --> 00:02:19,724
HIM AND PUT HIM AT LEAST IN A

65
00:02:19,724 --> 00:02:23,413
CELL WITH HIS LAWYER.

66
00:02:23,413 --> 00:02:24,551
BUT HEY, LET THIS BE A LESSON TO

67
00:02:24,551 --> 00:02:27,034
ALL YOU KIDS OUT THERE, OKAY?

68
00:02:27,034 --> 00:02:28,620
IF YOU COMMIT FRAUD TO COVER UP

69
00:02:28,620 --> 00:02:30,068
AN AFFAIR WITH A PORN STAR, THE

70
00:02:30,068 --> 00:02:33,000
LAW WILL CATCH UP TO YOU AFTER,

71
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,689
LIKE, SEVEN YEARS.

72
00:02:34,689 --> 00:02:37,206
AND A FULL TERM AS PRESIDENT.

73
00:02:37,206 --> 00:02:39,034
NOW I KNOW WE ARE ALL GOING TO

74
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,758
SEE HIM PUT IN HANDCUFFS BUT WE

75
00:02:40,758 --> 00:02:41,930
DON'T KNOW HOW IT'S ALL GOING TO

76
00:02:41,930 --> 00:02:42,275
GO DOWN.

77
00:02:42,275 --> 00:02:43,827
THE REPORT IS THAT THEY ARE

78
00:02:43,827 --> 00:02:46,067
GOING TO TRY TO NEGOTIATE HIS

79
00:02:46,067 --> 00:02:46,482
SURRENDER.

80
00:02:46,482 --> 00:02:47,517
EITHER THAT OR THEY WILL LEAVE A

81
00:02:47,517 --> 00:02:50,482
TRAIL OF BIG MANS LEADING TO THE

82
00:02:50,482 --> 00:02:52,275
PRISON.

83
00:02:52,275 --> 00:02:54,724
AND A LOT OF PUNDITS, LIKE

84
00:02:54,724 --> 00:02:55,586
LINDSEY GRAHAM, ARE SAYING THIS

85
00:02:55,586 --> 00:02:59,310
IS GOING TO BE GOOD FOR TRUMP.

86
00:02:59,310 --> 00:03:00,000
[BLEEP], WHY DON'T YOU GET

87
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,068
ARRESTED AND SEE IF IT IS GOOD

88
00:03:02,068 --> 00:03:04,310
FOR YOU?

89
00:03:04,310 --> 00:03:06,344
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

90
00:03:06,344 --> 00:03:09,827
SHIT.

91
00:03:09,827 --> 00:03:11,517
ANYWAY, WE DON'T KNOW WHEN THIS

92
00:03:11,517 --> 00:03:12,275
WILL ACTUALLY ARREST HIM OR HOW

93
00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:14,103
IT IS GOING TO PAN OUT BUT HEY,

94
00:03:14,103 --> 00:03:15,103
MAYBE GOING TO PRISON MIGHT BE

95
00:03:15,103 --> 00:03:17,551
GOOD FOR TRUMP, MAYBE WHAT HE

96
00:03:17,551 --> 00:03:18,862
NEEDS BECAUSE AT LEAST IN

97
00:03:18,862 --> 00:03:19,862
PRISON, HE WILL BE ABLE TO

98
00:03:19,862 --> 00:03:20,758
PURSUE HIS GREATEST PASSIONS:

99
00:03:20,758 --> 00:03:24,758
READING, WORKING OUT, AND

100
00:03:24,758 --> 00:03:27,068
CONVERTING TO ISLAM.

101
00:03:27,068 --> 00:03:29,724
ALL RIGHT.

102
00:03:29,724 --> 00:03:32,000
[LAUGHS]

103
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,413
THERE IS STILL OTHER STUFF GOING

104
00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:36,551
ON, SO LET'S SHIFT GEARS AND

105
00:03:36,551 --> 00:03:38,758
TALK ABOUT FOX NEWS.

106
00:03:38,758 --> 00:03:39,896
I KNOW, I KNOW, LOOK, I KNOW.

107
00:03:39,896 --> 00:03:40,413
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

108
00:03:40,413 --> 00:03:41,103
I THINK THEY'VE GOTTEN A BAD

109
00:03:41,103 --> 00:03:43,206
RAP.

110
00:03:43,206 --> 00:03:43,689
SERIOUSLY.

111
00:03:43,689 --> 00:03:45,586
EVERYONE'S SAYING THAT THEY'RE

112
00:03:45,586 --> 00:03:46,310
PROPAGANDA, THEY'RE NOT A REAL

113
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:47,067
ORGANIZATION, BUT I THINK THAT'S

114
00:03:47,067 --> 00:03:47,724
ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING.

115
00:03:47,724 --> 00:03:50,000
IN FACT, IF YOU CAN PROVE TO ME

116
00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:50,896
THAT FOX NEWS INTENTIONALLY LIES

117
00:03:50,896 --> 00:03:52,655
TO ITS VIEWERS, I'LL SHAVE MY

118
00:03:52,655 --> 00:03:53,793
BEARD.

119
00:03:53,793 --> 00:03:55,517
>> ANOTHER STUNNING NEW FILING

120
00:03:55,517 --> 00:03:56,896
IN THE DOMINION LAWSUIT AGAINST

121
00:03:56,896 --> 00:03:57,482
FOX.

122
00:03:57,482 --> 00:03:59,172
NEWLY REVEALED EMAILS SHOWING

123
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,344
FOX NEWS CHIEF EXECUTIVE

124
00:04:01,344 --> 00:04:02,655
SUZANNE SCOTT LASHING OUT IN AN

125
00:04:02,655 --> 00:04:04,724
EMAIL AFTER A CORRESPONDENT

126
00:04:04,724 --> 00:04:06,310
FACT-CHECKED TRUMP'S ELECTION

127
00:04:06,310 --> 00:04:07,586
LIES.

128
00:04:07,586 --> 00:04:09,793
>> SHE SAID, "THIS HAS TO STOP"

129
00:04:09,793 --> 00:04:12,103
AND GOES ON TO SAY "THIS IS BAD

130
00:04:12,103 --> 00:04:13,655
BUSINESS, AND THERE CLEARLY IS A

131
00:04:13,655 --> 00:04:16,241
LACK OF UNDERSTANDING WHAT IS

132
00:04:16,241 --> 00:04:17,447
HAPPENING IN THESE SHOWS.

133
00:04:17,447 --> 00:04:18,206
THE AUDIENCE IS FURIOUS, AND WE

134
00:04:18,206 --> 00:04:19,447
ARE JUST FEEDING THEM MATERIAL.

135
00:04:19,447 --> 00:04:25,862
BAD FOR BUSINESS."

136
00:04:25,862 --> 00:04:36,448
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

137
00:04:36,448 --> 00:04:40,137
>> John: WELL, THAT WILL TEACH

138
00:04:40,137 --> 00:04:42,137
ME.

139
00:04:42,137 --> 00:04:45,103
I GUESS I LOST.

140
00:04:45,103 --> 00:04:46,620
BUT YEAH, FOX NEWS GOT MAD AT

141
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:47,758
THEIR FACT-CHECKER.

142
00:04:47,758 --> 00:04:50,275
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THEY HAD A

143
00:04:50,275 --> 00:04:51,137
FACT-CHECKER.

144
00:04:51,137 --> 00:04:52,137
IT'S LIKE HEARING THERE'S A HEAD

145
00:04:52,137 --> 00:04:55,344
OF DIVERSITY AT THE KKK.

146
00:04:55,344 --> 00:04:56,758
AND SECONDLY, WHAT KIND OF NEWS

147
00:04:56,758 --> 00:04:58,068
NETWORK GETS MAD WHEN THEIR

148
00:04:58,068 --> 00:05:01,482
JOURNALISTS DO JOURNALISM?

149
00:05:01,482 --> 00:05:02,517
ONE OF THEIR REPORTERS COULD WIN

150
00:05:02,517 --> 00:05:03,241
A PULITZER PRIZE AND HIS BOSS

151
00:05:03,241 --> 00:05:04,034
WOULD BE LIKE,

152
00:05:04,034 --> 00:05:04,827
"DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD THIS LOOKS

153
00:05:04,827 --> 00:05:06,793
FOR US?

154
00:05:06,793 --> 00:05:08,344
YOU BETTER GO ON AIR AND SAY

155
00:05:08,344 --> 00:05:09,448
HILLARY CLINTON IS A VAMPIRE

156
00:05:09,448 --> 00:05:15,103
LESBIAN OR YOU'RE FIRED."

157
00:05:15,103 --> 00:05:15,827
YO, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT

158
00:05:15,827 --> 00:05:16,551
OTHER THINGS FOX ADMITS TO IN

159
00:05:16,551 --> 00:05:18,172
THESE EMAILS.

160
00:05:18,172 --> 00:05:18,896
WE'RE A FEW WEEKS AWAY FROM

161
00:05:18,896 --> 00:05:19,655
FINDING OUT SEAN HANNITY DOES A

162
00:05:19,655 --> 00:05:20,344
DRAG STORY HOUR AT HIS LOCAL

163
00:05:20,344 --> 00:05:27,551
KINDERGARTEN.

164
00:05:27,551 --> 00:05:27,965
[APPLAUSE]

165
00:05:27,965 --> 00:05:32,000
YEAH, YEAH.

166
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:34,000
AND FINALLY, LET'S MOVE ONTO A

167
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,413
BIG STORY ABOUT ARTIFICIAL

168
00:05:35,413 --> 00:05:35,896
INTELLIGENCE.

169
00:05:35,896 --> 00:05:36,379
I KNOW, I KNOW.

170
00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:37,000
EVERYONE'S SCARED OF IT.

171
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:37,689
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

172
00:05:37,689 --> 00:05:41,103
I THINK AI HAS GOTTEN A BAD RAP.

173
00:05:41,103 --> 00:05:41,655
NO, NO, SERIOUSLY.

174
00:05:41,655 --> 00:05:42,655
IN FACT, IF YOU CAN SHOW ME THAT

175
00:05:42,655 --> 00:05:43,758
ANY ACTUAL EXPERTS IN TECHNOLOGY

176
00:05:43,758 --> 00:05:45,103
ARE WORRIED THAT AI IS GOING TO

177
00:05:45,103 --> 00:05:46,413
TAKE OVER THE WORLD, I'LL SHAVE

178
00:05:46,413 --> 00:05:49,172
MY PUBES.

179
00:05:49,172 --> 00:05:50,068
>> THIS MORNING, A WARNING FROM

180
00:05:50,068 --> 00:05:53,103
ELON MUSK AND OTHER TECH

181
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:53,896
INDUSTRY EXPERTS ABOUT THE POWER

182
00:05:53,896 --> 00:05:54,586
OF ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE.

183
00:05:54,586 --> 00:05:56,551
MUSK AND HUNDREDS OF INFLUENTIAL

184
00:05:56,551 --> 00:05:58,379
NAMES, INCLUDING APPLE

185
00:05:58,379 --> 00:06:03,413
CO-FOUNDER STEVE WOZNIAK, ARE

186
00:06:03,413 --> 00:06:06,000
CALLING FOR A PAUSE IN

187
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:06,793
EXPERIMENTS, SAYING, AI POSES A

188
00:06:06,793 --> 00:06:08,000
DRAMATIC RISK TO SOCIETY UNLESS

189
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,379
THERE'S PROPER OVERSIGHT.

190
00:06:09,379 --> 00:06:11,482
TECH INDUSTRY LEADERS POSED

191
00:06:11,482 --> 00:06:12,172
THESE EXISTENTIAL QUESTIONS:

192
00:06:12,172 --> 00:06:15,206
SHOULD WE DEVELOP NONHUMAN MINDS

193
00:06:15,206 --> 00:06:17,241
THAT MIGHT EVENTUALLY OUTNUMBER,

194
00:06:17,241 --> 00:06:18,000
OUTSMART, OBSOLETE, AND REPLACE

195
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:18,620
US?

196
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:19,793
SHOULD WE RISK LOSS OF CONTROL

197
00:06:19,793 --> 00:06:21,517
OF OUR CIVILIZATION?

198
00:06:21,517 --> 00:06:22,482
MUSK AND OTHERS ARE ASKING

199
00:06:22,482 --> 00:06:23,758
DEVELOPERS TO STOP THE TRAINING

200
00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:25,758
OF AI SYSTEMS MORE POWERFUL THAN

201
00:06:25,758 --> 00:06:27,137
GPT4 FOR AT LEAST SIX MONTHS SO

202
00:06:27,137 --> 00:06:28,482
THAT SAFETY PROTOCOLS CAN BE

203
00:06:28,482 --> 00:06:34,931
ESTABLISHED.

204
00:06:34,931 --> 00:06:37,793
[CLIPPERS BUZZING]

205
00:06:37,793 --> 00:06:39,000
>> John: I GOT TO STOP MAKING

206
00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:39,862
THESE STUPID PROMISES BEFORE I

207
00:06:39,862 --> 00:06:45,068
GO TO NEWS CLIPS.

208
00:06:45,068 --> 00:06:51,655
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

209
00:06:51,655 --> 00:06:55,034
BUT YES, THAT'S RIGHT, AI IS

210
00:06:55,034 --> 00:06:55,655
GETTING TOO POWERFUL.

211
00:06:55,655 --> 00:06:58,793
AS SOON AS IT KNOWS HOW TO PICK

212
00:06:58,793 --> 00:06:59,896
WHICH OF THESE IMAGES IS A BIKE,

213
00:06:59,896 --> 00:07:02,827
WE ARE [BLEEP].

214
00:07:02,827 --> 00:07:04,379
NOW FOR MORE ON AI'S THREAT TO

215
00:07:04,379 --> 00:07:04,931
HUMANITY,

216
00:07:04,931 --> 00:07:06,103
WE GO LIVE TO CHATGPT

217
00:07:06,103 --> 00:07:06,896
HEADQUARTERS WHERE DESI LYDIC IS

218
00:07:06,896 --> 00:07:09,137
JOINING US!

219
00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:20,827
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

220
00:07:20,827 --> 00:07:21,103
WOW.

221
00:07:21,103 --> 00:07:25,896
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

222
00:07:25,896 --> 00:07:29,172
WOW.

223
00:07:29,172 --> 00:07:30,896
DESI, WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE YOU

224
00:07:30,896 --> 00:07:32,448
ARE DRESSED FOR A WAR?

225
00:07:32,448 --> 00:07:34,000
>> BECAUSE I AM DRESSED FOR A

226
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:34,275
WAR.

227
00:07:34,275 --> 00:07:38,103
AND ALSO, THERE WAS A SALE

228
00:07:38,103 --> 00:07:38,724
DICK'S SPORTING GOODS.

229
00:07:38,724 --> 00:07:40,000
MOSTLY A WAR THING.

230
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,103
IT IS US VERSUS THE MACHINES AND

231
00:07:42,103 --> 00:07:43,793
IT IS TIME TO PICK A SIDE.

232
00:07:43,793 --> 00:07:45,655
>> John: DESI, WHY ARE YOU SO

233
00:07:45,655 --> 00:07:46,620
EAGER TO GO TO WAR WITH AI?

234
00:07:46,620 --> 00:07:47,482
>> COME ON, JOHN.

235
00:07:47,482 --> 00:07:48,103
WAR WITH THE MACHINES IS

236
00:07:48,103 --> 00:07:50,206
INEVITABLE.

237
00:07:50,206 --> 00:07:52,310
SO LET'S DO IT NOW WHILE IT IS

238
00:07:52,310 --> 00:07:53,517
STILL A CHAT BOT INSTEAD OF

239
00:07:53,517 --> 00:07:55,413
WAITING UNTIL AS A BLOODTHIRSTY

240
00:07:55,413 --> 00:07:56,448
KILL BOT.

241
00:07:56,448 --> 00:07:57,965
LOOK, IF THERE IS ONE THING

242
00:07:57,965 --> 00:07:59,000
I LEARNED FROM WORKING AT

243
00:07:59,000 --> 00:07:59,965
CHUCK E. CHEESE, IT'S A LOT

244
00:07:59,965 --> 00:08:01,000
EASIER TO FIGHT A CHILD THAN AN

245
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:05,034
ADULT.

246
00:08:05,034 --> 00:08:08,448
>> John: I DON'T KNOW, I DON'T

247
00:08:08,448 --> 00:08:10,413
KNOW.

248
00:08:10,413 --> 00:08:12,620
DESI, WAR WITH AI SOUNDS LIKE A

249
00:08:12,620 --> 00:08:13,103
REALLY BAD IDEA.

250
00:08:13,103 --> 00:08:14,482
>> NO WAY!

251
00:08:14,482 --> 00:08:17,413
WAR WITH AI WOULD GIVE HUMANITY

252
00:08:17,413 --> 00:08:17,965
A COMMON PURPOSE.

253
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:19,068
WE'RE SO DIVIDED RIGHT NOW,

254
00:08:19,068 --> 00:08:19,758
RUSSIA VERSUS UKRAINE,

255
00:08:19,758 --> 00:08:23,310
DEMOCRATS VERSUS REPUBLICANS,

256
00:08:23,310 --> 00:08:24,379
SELENA GOMEZ FANS VERSUS

257
00:08:24,379 --> 00:08:26,000
HAILEY BIEBER FANS.

258
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:26,724
BUT NOW, IT'S US VERSUS THE

259
00:08:26,724 --> 00:08:31,689
MACHINES!

260
00:08:31,689 --> 00:08:36,034
VERSUS HAILEY BIEBER FANS.

261
00:08:36,034 --> 00:08:38,309
>> John: HEY, DESI, AI IS

262
00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,000
GETTING MORE POWERFUL BY THE

263
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:39,309
DAY.

264
00:08:39,309 --> 00:08:40,344
WHAT IF WE START THIS WAR, THEN

265
00:08:40,344 --> 00:08:43,172
IMMEDIATELY LOSE IT?

266
00:08:43,172 --> 00:08:45,172
>> I AM PRETTY SURE YOU NEVER

267
00:08:45,172 --> 00:08:49,551
LOSE A WAR THAT YOU START.

268
00:08:49,551 --> 00:08:51,862
BUT IF WE DO, THEN WE ARE GOING

269
00:08:51,862 --> 00:08:52,413
OUT TOGETHER, JOHN.

270
00:08:52,413 --> 00:08:53,137
YOU AND ME, IN A BUNKER, WITH

271
00:08:53,137 --> 00:08:54,241
TWO CYANIDE PILLS.

272
00:08:54,241 --> 00:08:57,689
I TAKE THEM BOTH AND YOU

273
00:08:57,689 --> 00:08:58,448
STRANGLE YOURSELF WITH YOUR BARE

274
00:08:58,448 --> 00:09:01,793
HANDS.

275
00:09:01,793 --> 00:09:02,724
>> John: OH, COME ON, COULDN'T I

276
00:09:02,724 --> 00:09:03,448
HAVE ONE OF THE CYANIDE PILLS?

277
00:09:03,448 --> 00:09:04,034
>> NO, IT WAS MY IDEA.

278
00:09:04,034 --> 00:09:08,034
I GET THEM BOTH.

279
00:09:08,034 --> 00:09:09,758
>> John: COME ON, DESI, YOU'RE

280
00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:11,068
GETTING AHEAD OF YOURSELF, FOR

281
00:09:11,068 --> 00:09:13,275
ALL WE KNOW, AI COULD LEAD

282
00:09:13,275 --> 00:09:14,896
HUMANITY TO A NEW GOLDEN AGE OF

283
00:09:14,896 --> 00:09:15,448
SOMETHING.

284
00:09:15,448 --> 00:09:21,931
>> OH, SWEET JOHN, SWEET, NAIVE,

285
00:09:21,931 --> 00:09:25,068
PUBELESS JOHN LEGUIZAMO.

286
00:09:25,068 --> 00:09:26,310
TAKE IT FROM ME.

287
00:09:26,310 --> 00:09:28,724
HUMANS AND ROBOTS CAN NEVER

288
00:09:28,724 --> 00:09:29,068
COEXIST.

289
00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:31,000
LIKE I SAID TO MY MANAGER AT

290
00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:32,655
CHUCK E. CHEESE'S, I WOULD

291
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:34,206
RATHER DIE ON MY FEET THAN LIVE

292
00:09:34,206 --> 00:09:35,379
ONE MORE DAY

293
00:09:35,379 --> 00:09:36,827
IN THIS ANIMATRONIC HELLSCAPE.

294
00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:37,586
SO CLEAN THE PISS OUT OF THE

295
00:09:37,586 --> 00:09:41,241
BALL PIT YOURSELF, DOUG, I QUIT!

296
00:09:41,241 --> 00:09:43,482
>> John: DESI LYDIC, EVERYBODY.

297
00:09:43,482 --> 00:09:46,137
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

298
00:09:46,137 --> 00:09:46,896
ALL RIGHT, WHEN WE COME BACK,

299
00:09:46,896 --> 00:09:48,103
WE'LL TALK ABOUT WHAT'S REALLY

300
00:09:48,103 --> 00:09:50,862
HAPPENING AT THE BORDER.

301
00:09:50,862 --> 00:09:52,379
SO DON'T GO AWAY.

302
00:09:52,379 --> 00:09:54,172
SO DON'T GO AWAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

303
00:09:54,172 --> 00:10:07,344
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

304
00:10:07,344 --> 00:10:19,034
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

305
00:10:19,034 --> 00:10:19,724
>> John: WELCOME BACK TO

306
00:10:19,724 --> 00:10:21,448
"THE DAILY SHOW."

307
00:10:21,448 --> 00:10:23,655
TONIGHT, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT

308
00:10:23,655 --> 00:10:24,793
THE SCARIEST TOPIC YOU'LL EVER

309
00:10:24,793 --> 00:10:26,551
HEAR ABOUT ON THE CAMPAIGN

310
00:10:26,551 --> 00:10:28,344
TRAIL: THE SOUTHERN BORDER!

311
00:10:28,344 --> 00:10:32,413
[THUNDER CRACKS]

312
00:10:32,413 --> 00:10:35,344
WAIT, SORRY, THAT WAS THE WRONG

313
00:10:35,344 --> 00:10:35,827
SOUND EFFECT.

314
00:10:35,827 --> 00:10:36,862
THE SOUTHERN BORDER!

315
00:10:36,862 --> 00:10:48,551
[MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYS]

316
00:10:48,551 --> 00:10:51,068
SEE?

317
00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,655
THAT'S NOT SO SCARY!

318
00:10:52,655 --> 00:10:54,689
IT'S ALL ABOUT HOW YOU FRAME IT.

319
00:10:54,689 --> 00:10:56,137
BECAUSE WHENEVER AMERICANS HEAR

320
00:10:56,137 --> 00:10:57,931
ABOUT THE BORDER, IT'S ALWAYS SO

321
00:10:57,931 --> 00:10:58,310
NEGATIVE.

322
00:10:58,310 --> 00:11:00,137
BUT THE TRUTH IS, AMERICA'S

323
00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:02,034
SOUTHERN BORDER HAS A RICH

324
00:11:02,034 --> 00:11:03,137
HISTORY, STEEPED IN

325
00:11:03,137 --> 00:11:05,620
CROSS-CULTURAL POLLINATION.

326
00:11:05,620 --> 00:11:07,620
BECAUSE FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS,

327
00:11:07,620 --> 00:11:08,379
THAT AREA HAS BEEN THE GRAND

328
00:11:08,379 --> 00:11:09,000
CENTRAL STATION OF THE

329
00:11:09,000 --> 00:11:10,000
CONTINENT.

330
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:10,758
IN FACT, FOR WELL OVER A

331
00:11:10,758 --> 00:11:12,000
CENTURY, AMERICA HAD NO

332
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,172
BARRIER AT ALL ON ITS BORDER.

333
00:11:13,172 --> 00:11:14,655
AND WHEN THEY FINALLY PUT ONE

334
00:11:14,655 --> 00:11:15,379
UP, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH

335
00:11:15,379 --> 00:11:16,931
PEOPLE.

336
00:11:16,931 --> 00:11:18,931
>> IN THE EARLY 1900s, TICKS ARE

337
00:11:18,931 --> 00:11:20,103
CAUSING DISEASE AMONG COWS IN

338
00:11:20,103 --> 00:11:21,241
RURAL AREAS.

339
00:11:21,241 --> 00:11:22,655
THOSE COWS ARE CROSSING BACK AND

340
00:11:22,655 --> 00:11:23,862
FORTH OVER THE BORDER.

341
00:11:23,862 --> 00:11:26,137
SO THE FIRST EVER BORDER FENCE

342
00:11:26,137 --> 00:11:27,137
IS ACTUALLY BUILT TO KEEP COWS

343
00:11:27,137 --> 00:11:29,379
FROM SPREADING DISEASE.

344
00:11:29,379 --> 00:11:30,482
>> John: THAT'S RIGHT: THE FIRST

345
00:11:30,482 --> 00:11:31,172
BORDER FENCE WAS TO KEEP OUT

346
00:11:31,172 --> 00:11:36,862
TICKS.

347
00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:38,275
IF THE ONE TIME IT WASN'T RACIST

348
00:11:38,275 --> 00:11:38,862
TO SAY,

349
00:11:38,862 --> 00:11:40,793
"WE GOT TO STOP THESE FILTHY

350
00:11:40,793 --> 00:11:41,448
ANIMALS FROM CROSSING OVER

351
00:11:41,448 --> 00:11:42,034
HERE."

352
00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:44,310
AND THAT IS JUST ONE OF MANY

353
00:11:44,310 --> 00:11:45,068
THINGS PEOPLE GET WRONG WHEN IT

354
00:11:45,068 --> 00:11:45,793
COMES TO AMERICA'S SOUTHERN

355
00:11:45,793 --> 00:11:47,379
BORDER.

356
00:11:47,379 --> 00:11:48,344
SO I THOUGHT TONIGHT, WE COULD

357
00:11:48,344 --> 00:11:49,655
SEPARATE BORDER MYTHS FROM

358
00:11:49,655 --> 00:11:52,551
BORDER FACTS IN ANOTHER

359
00:11:52,551 --> 00:11:53,034
INSTALLMENT OF

360
00:11:53,034 --> 00:11:56,931
"LONG STORY SHORT."

361
00:11:56,931 --> 00:11:59,586
♪

362
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:01,034
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

363
00:12:01,034 --> 00:12:02,586
LOOK, WE CAN TALK ABOUT NUMBERS

364
00:12:02,586 --> 00:12:04,620
OR FIGURES, OR DEMOGRAPHICS,

365
00:12:04,620 --> 00:12:06,241
BUT THE IMMIGRATION DEBATE IS

366
00:12:06,241 --> 00:12:07,000
NEVER ABOUT FACTS, IT'S ABOUT

367
00:12:07,000 --> 00:12:11,551
FEAR.

368
00:12:11,551 --> 00:12:12,931
"HORDES OF MACHETE-WIELDING

369
00:12:12,931 --> 00:12:13,689
ILLEGALS POURING OVER THE BORDER

370
00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:14,310
TO TAKE YOUR JOB AND PUT

371
00:12:14,310 --> 00:12:19,620
FENTANYL IN YOUR GUACAMOLE.

372
00:12:19,620 --> 00:12:22,000
THAT'S WHY IT ALWAYS COSTS

373
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:22,344
EXTRA!"

374
00:12:22,344 --> 00:12:23,344
YO, THIS TYPE OF RHETORIC ISN'T

375
00:12:23,344 --> 00:12:24,655
MEANT TO SOLVE ANY PROBLEMS.

376
00:12:24,655 --> 00:12:25,724
IT'S MEANT TO DEHUMANIZE

377
00:12:25,724 --> 00:12:27,896
IMMIGRANTS INTO ZOMBIE

378
00:12:27,896 --> 00:12:29,137
CRIMINALS, BECAUSE THEN ALL

379
00:12:29,137 --> 00:12:30,000
YOU'LL WANT TO DO IS TO

380
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,275
"BUILD THE WALL!"

381
00:12:32,275 --> 00:12:35,413
THE PHRASE MADE FAMOUS BY

382
00:12:35,413 --> 00:12:37,655
THE MAN WHO MIGHT HAVE TO HOLD

383
00:12:37,655 --> 00:12:39,068
HIS NEXT INAUGURATION IN PRISON

384
00:12:39,068 --> 00:12:40,034
CAFETERIA.

385
00:12:40,034 --> 00:12:40,793
>> MOST ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IS

386
00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:41,793
COMING FROM OUR SOUTHERN BORDER.

387
00:12:41,793 --> 00:12:44,689
>> WE WILL BUILD A GREAT WALL

388
00:12:44,689 --> 00:12:45,448
AND WE WILL STOP ILLEGAL

389
00:12:45,448 --> 00:12:49,965
IMMIGRATION FOR GOOD.

390
00:12:49,965 --> 00:12:50,896
>> WE'LL BUILD A WALL, FOLKS,

391
00:12:50,896 --> 00:12:51,689
DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.

392
00:12:51,689 --> 00:12:52,551
GO TO SLEEP.

393
00:12:52,551 --> 00:12:53,482
GO HOME, GO TO SLEEP, REST

394
00:12:53,482 --> 00:12:54,931
ASSURED.

395
00:12:54,931 --> 00:12:59,379
>> John: GO TO SLEEP?

396
00:12:59,379 --> 00:13:02,827
GO TO SLEEP?

397
00:13:02,827 --> 00:13:04,793
THIS IS THE WORST BEDTIME STORY

398
00:13:04,793 --> 00:13:06,310
EVER.

399
00:13:06,310 --> 00:13:08,724
NO WONDER THESE KIDS ARE SO

400
00:13:08,724 --> 00:13:11,103
[BLEEP] UP.

401
00:13:11,103 --> 00:13:18,896
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

402
00:13:18,896 --> 00:13:21,068
NOW TO HEAR TRUMP TELL IT, A

403
00:13:21,068 --> 00:13:23,000
WALL WOULD PUT A STOP TO ILLEGAL

404
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:23,482
IMMIGRATION.

405
00:13:23,482 --> 00:13:26,724
BUT THAT'S A MYTH, BECAUSE THE

406
00:13:26,724 --> 00:13:27,551
TRUTH IS, THESE DAYS, A MAJORITY

407
00:13:27,551 --> 00:13:29,000
OF UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS COME

408
00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:32,034
INTO THE COUNTRY LEGALLY AND

409
00:13:32,034 --> 00:13:32,827
THEN JUST OVERSTAY THEIR VISAS.

410
00:13:32,827 --> 00:13:33,448
THAT MEANS MOST ILLEGAL

411
00:13:33,448 --> 00:13:35,310
IMMIGRATION DOESN'T START AT

412
00:13:35,310 --> 00:13:38,793
THE RIO GRANDE, IT STARTS AT THE

413
00:13:38,793 --> 00:13:41,896
AIRPORT BETWEEN THE CINNABON

414
00:13:41,896 --> 00:13:43,862
AND THE BAGGAGE CLAIM.

415
00:13:43,862 --> 00:13:44,620
BY THE WAY, DONALD TRUMP OF ALL

416
00:13:44,620 --> 00:13:45,689
PEOPLE, I THOUGHT YOU WOULD

417
00:13:45,689 --> 00:13:46,689
UNDERSTAND WANTING TO STAY

418
00:13:46,689 --> 00:13:52,379
LONGER THAN YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO.

419
00:13:52,379 --> 00:13:53,344
YEP.

420
00:13:53,344 --> 00:13:58,620
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

421
00:13:58,620 --> 00:13:59,931
HERE'S ANOTHER MYTH.

422
00:13:59,931 --> 00:14:01,310
BECAUSE FOR SOME DEMAGOGUES,

423
00:14:01,310 --> 00:14:02,413
BROWN PEOPLE COMING TO AMERICA

424
00:14:02,413 --> 00:14:04,482
ISN'T SCARY ENOUGH ON ITS OWN.

425
00:14:04,482 --> 00:14:05,586
SO THERE'S ONE SPECIFIC TYPE OF

426
00:14:05,586 --> 00:14:07,206
IMMIGRANT THAT THEY WANT TO

427
00:14:07,206 --> 00:14:08,000
SCARE YOU ABOUT:

428
00:14:08,000 --> 00:14:09,827
THE DRUG SMUGGLERS.

429
00:14:09,827 --> 00:14:12,310
>> ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS FROM

430
00:14:12,310 --> 00:14:13,586
MEXICO WHO ARE TRAFFICKING THESE

431
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:14,965
PILLS THAT LOOK LIKE CANDY FOR

432
00:14:14,965 --> 00:14:16,896
CHILDREN INTO THE COUNTRY.

433
00:14:16,896 --> 00:14:17,931
>> THEY'RE CARRYING DRUGS ON

434
00:14:17,931 --> 00:14:18,931
THEIR BACK.

435
00:14:18,931 --> 00:14:20,310
THEY ARE BRINGING FENTANYL.

436
00:14:20,310 --> 00:14:21,310
>> THOSE PEOPLE ARE BRINGING IN

437
00:14:21,310 --> 00:14:22,758
FENTANYL, WHICH IS KILLING

438
00:14:22,758 --> 00:14:23,448
THOUSANDS OF AMERICANS EVERY

439
00:14:23,448 --> 00:14:24,344
MONTH.

440
00:14:24,344 --> 00:14:25,379
>> IT'S NOT LIKE FENTANYL WALKS

441
00:14:25,379 --> 00:14:27,862
ACROSS THE BORDER BY ITSELF.

442
00:14:27,862 --> 00:14:28,448
IT COMES WITH ILLEGAL

443
00:14:28,448 --> 00:14:30,448
IMMIGRANTS.

444
00:14:30,448 --> 00:14:32,896
>> John: OF COURSE FENTANYL

445
00:14:32,896 --> 00:14:35,482
DOESN'T WALK ACROSS THE BORDER

446
00:14:35,482 --> 00:14:36,586
BY ITSELF!

447
00:14:36,586 --> 00:14:37,344
DO YOU KNOW THE STREET VALUE OF

448
00:14:37,344 --> 00:14:40,000
FENTANYL?

449
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:46,103
THAT BITCH DRIVES A CADDY.

450
00:14:46,103 --> 00:14:47,827
BUT YEAH, THEY WANT TO SCARE YOU

451
00:14:47,827 --> 00:14:49,206
ABOUT THE HORDES OF CRIMINALS

452
00:14:49,206 --> 00:14:52,310
COMING ACROSS THE BORDER TO

453
00:14:52,310 --> 00:14:56,379
PROFIT OFF OF OUR OPIOID CRISIS,

454
00:14:56,379 --> 00:14:57,689
WHICH IS MESSED UP.

455
00:14:57,689 --> 00:14:58,689
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT WE HAVE

456
00:14:58,689 --> 00:15:01,827
PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES FOR!

457
00:15:01,827 --> 00:15:03,482
BUT THE TRUTH IS THAT ONLY

458
00:15:03,482 --> 00:15:05,413
.02% OF PEOPLE ARRESTED BY

459
00:15:05,413 --> 00:15:07,379
BORDER PATROL FOR CROSSING

460
00:15:07,379 --> 00:15:08,413
ILLEGALLY HAD FENTANYL ON THEM.

461
00:15:08,413 --> 00:15:09,344
BUT GUESS WHO IS BEING ARRESTED

462
00:15:09,344 --> 00:15:10,896
FOR SMUGGLING FENTANYL?

463
00:15:10,896 --> 00:15:13,000
AMERICAN CITIZENS.

464
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:13,793
THEY'RE 86% OF CONVICTED

465
00:15:13,793 --> 00:15:16,034
FENTANYL TRAFFICKERS.

466
00:15:16,034 --> 00:15:17,655
SO WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT A

467
00:15:17,655 --> 00:15:20,000
FENTANYL TRAFFICKER, THINK LESS

468
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:28,379
ABOUT THIS, AND MORE ABOUT THIS.

469
00:15:28,379 --> 00:15:30,482
"BRO, DUDE, I GOT FENTANYL UP MY

470
00:15:30,482 --> 00:15:31,344
ASS, I GOT IT MY EARS, UP MY

471
00:15:31,344 --> 00:15:31,758
NOSE.

472
00:15:31,758 --> 00:15:34,482
I WISH I HAD ANOTHER ORIFICE,

473
00:15:34,482 --> 00:15:37,275
I'D PACK IT FULL OF FENTANYL.

474
00:15:37,275 --> 00:15:38,793
BUT YOU KNOW HOW IT GOES, BRO."

475
00:15:38,793 --> 00:15:39,551
AND HERE'S THE BIGGER POINT I'M

476
00:15:39,551 --> 00:15:40,620
TRYING TO MAKE:

477
00:15:40,620 --> 00:15:41,275
THE VAST, VAST MAJORITY OF

478
00:15:41,275 --> 00:15:42,620
UNDOCUMENTED IMMIGRANTS DO NOT

479
00:15:42,620 --> 00:15:44,586
SELL DRUGS, THEY DO NOT SHOOT

480
00:15:44,586 --> 00:15:45,758
PEOPLE, THEY DO NOT COMMIT

481
00:15:45,758 --> 00:15:46,482
TERRORISM, THEY DO NOT COMMIT

482
00:15:46,482 --> 00:15:47,620
ANY CRIMES!

483
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:49,172
THEY'RE HUMAN BEINGS SEARCHING

484
00:15:49,172 --> 00:15:53,379
FOR A BETTER LIFE.

485
00:15:53,379 --> 00:15:58,965
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

486
00:15:58,965 --> 00:16:00,482
AND THEY DON'T WANT TO GET IN

487
00:16:00,482 --> 00:16:01,206
TROUBLE, ESPECIALLY SINCE THEY

488
00:16:01,206 --> 00:16:04,620
DON'T WANT TO GET CAUGHT AND

489
00:16:04,620 --> 00:16:05,034
BE DEPORTED.

490
00:16:05,034 --> 00:16:07,000
I'M THE SAME WAY!

491
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,758
WHEN I'M A GUEST IN SOMEONE'S

492
00:16:08,758 --> 00:16:13,965
HOUSE, I'M ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR:

493
00:16:13,965 --> 00:16:17,517
I TAKE OFF MY SHOES,

494
00:16:17,517 --> 00:16:18,655
I HOLD IN MY FARTS,

495
00:16:18,655 --> 00:16:19,310
I BRING A BOTTLE OF

496
00:16:19,310 --> 00:16:20,413
SAUVINGNON BLANC.

497
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:21,137
BUT WHEN I'M IN MY OWN HOUSE?

498
00:16:21,137 --> 00:16:22,931
I AM IN THE LIVING ROOM

499
00:16:22,931 --> 00:16:24,103
TERRORIZING THE COUCH WITH MY

500
00:16:24,103 --> 00:16:28,379
BARE BALLS.

501
00:16:28,379 --> 00:16:34,724
THAT'S A DIFFERENT STORY.

502
00:16:34,724 --> 00:16:37,206
WE SHOT THAT BEFORE I SHAVE THE

503
00:16:37,206 --> 00:16:38,586
BEARD.

504
00:16:38,586 --> 00:16:39,275
ANYWAY, HERE'S ANOTHER MYTH

505
00:16:39,275 --> 00:16:40,137
THESE DEMAGOGUES SAY:

506
00:16:40,137 --> 00:16:40,827
THAT MIGRANTS ARE STEALING

507
00:16:40,827 --> 00:16:41,379
AMERICAN JOBS.

508
00:16:41,379 --> 00:16:42,689
>> WHEN YOU HAVE A WIDE OPEN

509
00:16:42,689 --> 00:16:44,413
BORDER AND YOU GOT MILLIONS OF

510
00:16:44,413 --> 00:16:48,000
ILLEGAL ALIENS COMING INTO OUR

511
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:48,689
COUNTRY, WHERE DO YOU THINK

512
00:16:48,689 --> 00:16:49,517
THOSE PEOPLE ARE GOING TO DO?

513
00:16:49,517 --> 00:16:51,206
THEY'RE GOING TO GO TAKE JOBS

514
00:16:51,206 --> 00:16:52,275
THAT COULD HAVE OTHERWISE BEEN

515
00:16:52,275 --> 00:16:52,758
AMERICAN JOBS.

516
00:16:52,758 --> 00:16:53,862
>> MILLIONS OF AMERICAN JOBS ARE

517
00:16:53,862 --> 00:16:57,000
DISAPPEARING AT THE HANDS OF

518
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,000
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS.

519
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,379
>> JOE BIDEN'S 5 MILLION ILLEGAL

520
00:17:00,379 --> 00:17:01,931
ALIENS ARE ON THE VERGE OF

521
00:17:01,931 --> 00:17:02,655
REPLACING YOU, REPLACING YOUR

522
00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:03,896
JOBS.

523
00:17:03,896 --> 00:17:04,862
>> John: YEAH!

524
00:17:04,862 --> 00:17:07,550
THESE IMMIGRANTS ARE TAKING ALL

525
00:17:07,550 --> 00:17:11,517
THE JOBS!

526
00:17:11,517 --> 00:17:13,205
FOOD JOBS, FARM JOBS,

527
00:17:13,205 --> 00:17:16,550
STEVE JOBS -- ALL OF THEM!

528
00:17:16,550 --> 00:17:17,896
THESE DEMAGOGUES WANT YOU TO

529
00:17:17,896 --> 00:17:19,758
BELIEVE THAT IF YOU LOST YOUR

530
00:17:19,758 --> 00:17:21,482
JOB, IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF

531
00:17:21,482 --> 00:17:23,241
CORPORATE OUTSOURCING,

532
00:17:23,241 --> 00:17:27,413
OR AUTOMATION, OR THE

533
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:28,655
DESTRUCTION OF UNIONS,

534
00:17:28,655 --> 00:17:29,344
OR COST CUTTING TO MAXIMIZE

535
00:17:29,344 --> 00:17:30,379
PROFITS FOR SHAREHOLDERS.

536
00:17:30,379 --> 00:17:31,137
NO, IT'S JOSE'S FAULT!

537
00:17:31,137 --> 00:17:34,310
SHAME ON YOU, JOSE!

538
00:17:34,310 --> 00:17:36,758
BUT THE TRUTH IS, UNDOCUMENTED

539
00:17:36,758 --> 00:17:38,413
IMMIGRANTS ARE MOSTLY FILLING

540
00:17:38,413 --> 00:17:39,206
JOBS THAT AMERICANS HAVE NO

541
00:17:39,206 --> 00:17:43,206
INTEREST IN DOING.

542
00:17:43,206 --> 00:17:43,965
I MEAN, ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME

543
00:17:43,965 --> 00:17:44,862
THERE ARE AMERICANS JUST LINING

544
00:17:44,862 --> 00:17:45,551
UP, WISHING THEY COULD PICK

545
00:17:45,551 --> 00:17:48,931
VEGETABLES IN THE SUN ALL DAY?

546
00:17:48,931 --> 00:17:52,000
AMERICA IS A TRIP, MAN.

547
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:56,000
FIRST, YOU DIDN'T WANT TO DO ANY

548
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,068
OF THE FIELD WORK, AND NOW YOU

549
00:17:57,068 --> 00:17:57,862
WANT TO DO ALL OF THE FIELD

550
00:17:57,862 --> 00:18:00,172
WORK?

551
00:18:00,172 --> 00:18:04,551
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

552
00:18:04,551 --> 00:18:15,206
MAKE UP YOUR MINDS!

553
00:18:15,206 --> 00:18:18,896
SO, LONG STORY SHORT,

554
00:18:18,896 --> 00:18:20,000
WE CAN DEBATE ABOUT THE BORDER

555
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,620
BUT WE CANNOT DEHUMANIZE THESE

556
00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:22,000
PEOPLE.

557
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:23,379
THAT IS NOT GOING TO LEAD TO THE

558
00:18:23,379 --> 00:18:24,448
RIGHT POLICIES, THAT IS ONLY

559
00:18:24,448 --> 00:18:25,793
GOING TO LEAD TO TRAGEDIES.

560
00:18:25,793 --> 00:18:27,000
THE NEXT TIME YOU HEAR PEOPLE

561
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,034
SCARE-MONGERING YOU ABOUT THE

562
00:18:28,034 --> 00:18:29,137
BORDER, REMEMBER THEY'RE NOT

563
00:18:29,137 --> 00:18:29,793
PREACHING FACTS, THEY'RE

564
00:18:29,793 --> 00:18:30,379
PROMOTING FEAR.

565
00:18:30,379 --> 00:18:31,482
AND THAT'S THE ONLY WALL THEY'VE

566
00:18:31,482 --> 00:18:32,758
BUILT: THE ONE BETWEEN

567
00:18:32,758 --> 00:18:35,448
THEMSELVES AND REALITY.

568
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:39,068
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

569
00:18:39,068 --> 00:18:46,103
ALL RIGHT, WHEN WE COME BACK,

570
00:18:46,103 --> 00:18:47,482
I'LL BE JOINED BY CONGRESSMAN

571
00:18:47,482 --> 00:18:47,965
RICHIE TORRES.

572
00:18:47,965 --> 00:18:51,000
YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS IT.

573
00:19:10,827 --> 00:19:11,724
Hey.

574
00:19:11,827 --> 00:19:14,068
Welcome back to The Daily Show.

575
00:19:14,172 --> 00:19:16,586
My guest tonight represents
parts of the Bronx

576
00:19:16,689 --> 00:19:18,034
in the United States Congress.

577
00:19:18,137 --> 00:19:24,206
Please welcome Democratic
Representative Ritchie Torres.

578
00:19:24,310 --> 00:19:31,241
Ritchie.

579
00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:37,206
Wow.

580
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:40,068
You know, we just
had breaking news.

581
00:19:40,172 --> 00:19:44,172
Donald Trump has been voted to
be indicted by a grand jury,

582
00:19:44,275 --> 00:19:45,862
the first president
to be indicted,

583
00:19:45,965 --> 00:19:47,137
former first president
to be indicted.

584
00:19:47,241 --> 00:19:48,689
What are your thoughts?

585
00:19:48,793 --> 00:19:50,379
Well, Donald Trump
announced on Truth Social

586
00:19:50,482 --> 00:19:52,551
that he's been "indicated"
rather than "indicted" but--

587
00:19:52,655 --> 00:19:54,931
JOHN: [laughs] Of course.

588
00:19:55,034 --> 00:19:56,689
No spell check
for the president.

589
00:19:56,793 --> 00:19:58,620
He probably should have
Chachi PT help him put

590
00:19:58,724 --> 00:20:02,068
together tweets, but I don't--

591
00:20:02,172 --> 00:20:03,172
you know, Donald Trump--

592
00:20:03,275 --> 00:20:04,448
[laughs]

593
00:20:04,551 --> 00:20:06,172
JOHN: I know.

594
00:20:06,275 --> 00:20:08,172
You know, Donald
Trump has been

595
00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:11,137
a pathological liar and
lawbreaker his whole life

596
00:20:11,241 --> 00:20:13,310
and has gotten away with it.

597
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,413
Oh, yeah.

598
00:20:15,517 --> 00:20:17,241
Like, he's a master
of getting away with it.

599
00:20:17,344 --> 00:20:19,620
And finally, he's facing the
accountability he deserves.

600
00:20:19,724 --> 00:20:20,620
But--

601
00:20:20,724 --> 00:20:21,620
[loud cheers]

602
00:20:21,724 --> 00:20:22,620
JOHN: I know.

603
00:20:22,724 --> 00:20:24,034
I want to see that perp walk.

604
00:20:24,137 --> 00:20:25,758
I'm dying for that that's
the only thing I want to see.

605
00:20:25,862 --> 00:20:29,172
But I will confess, of all
the crimes that he's committed

606
00:20:29,275 --> 00:20:31,448
in his life, I never
thought in my wildest dreams

607
00:20:31,551 --> 00:20:33,551
that he would be taken down by
hush payments to a porn star.

608
00:20:33,655 --> 00:20:34,724
I mean, that's--
JOHN: Right.

609
00:20:34,827 --> 00:20:35,724
True that.
True that.

610
00:20:35,827 --> 00:20:37,000
So he's like--
he's like the Al

611
00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:38,724
Capone of American politics.
- Yeah.

612
00:20:38,827 --> 00:20:40,172
Yeah.
Yeah, for real.

613
00:20:40,275 --> 00:20:41,655
Well put, well put.

614
00:20:41,758 --> 00:20:44,275
Now, you're the first openly
gay Afro-Latino congressman.

615
00:20:44,379 --> 00:20:45,793
CONGRESSMAN TORRES:
You're outing me publicly.

616
00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:46,793
Come on.

617
00:20:46,896 --> 00:20:49,655
Oh, no, no, no.

618
00:20:49,758 --> 00:20:50,793
I would never do that.

619
00:20:50,896 --> 00:20:52,034
I would never do that.

620
00:20:52,137 --> 00:20:53,896
And you're part of the
Hispanic Caucus, the Black

621
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:55,551
Caucus, the Equity Caucus.

622
00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:57,241
Don't you think
all these caucuses

623
00:20:57,344 --> 00:21:01,724
should caucus together and
create a ginormous caucus?

624
00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:03,413
How powerful would
that caucus be?

625
00:21:03,517 --> 00:21:07,137
Look, for us, diversity
is not a source of division.

626
00:21:07,241 --> 00:21:08,137
It's a source of unity.

627
00:21:08,241 --> 00:21:09,172
JOHN: It should be.

628
00:21:09,275 --> 00:21:10,586
I mean, the House
Democratic Caucus

629
00:21:10,689 --> 00:21:13,172
is the most diverse legislative
caucus in American history.

630
00:21:13,275 --> 00:21:15,965
70% of the caucus
consists of members

631
00:21:16,068 --> 00:21:19,413
of the LGBTQ community,
women, people of color.

632
00:21:19,517 --> 00:21:20,655
Like, the House
Democratic Caucus

633
00:21:20,758 --> 00:21:22,379
has more diversity
and intersectionality

634
00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:23,379
than George Santos.

635
00:21:23,482 --> 00:21:27,689
[laughter]

636
00:21:27,793 --> 00:21:30,137
Speaking of George Santos--

637
00:21:30,241 --> 00:21:32,275
And by the way,
George Santos and I

638
00:21:32,379 --> 00:21:34,034
were the only gay
Latinos in the New

639
00:21:34,137 --> 00:21:36,275
York congressional delegation,
so we're very close.

640
00:21:36,379 --> 00:21:40,655
Well, does he pretend
that he's somebody else

641
00:21:40,758 --> 00:21:42,965
when you try to talk to him?

642
00:21:43,068 --> 00:21:44,655
You know, I avoid him.

643
00:21:44,758 --> 00:21:46,000
JOHN: Oh, you're the
one that avoids him.

644
00:21:46,103 --> 00:21:47,379
That's what I thought.

645
00:21:47,482 --> 00:21:49,620
But, you know, I have trouble
keeping track of his lies.

646
00:21:49,724 --> 00:21:51,620
But, you know, he's
pretended to be

647
00:21:51,724 --> 00:21:58,344
a gay, biracial, Ukrainian,
Belgian, Brazilian, Jewish,

648
00:21:58,448 --> 00:22:02,379
volleyball champion, Wall
Street banker, whose mother

649
00:22:02,482 --> 00:22:05,482
died twice, including on
9/11, whose ancestors survived

650
00:22:05,586 --> 00:22:07,448
the Holocaust,
whose employees died

651
00:22:07,551 --> 00:22:08,724
in the Pulse mass shooting.

652
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:10,034
I mean, his life
story is the greatest

653
00:22:10,137 --> 00:22:11,655
fiction in the history of
congressional politics.

654
00:22:11,758 --> 00:22:14,551
Oh, my god, that's so true.

655
00:22:14,655 --> 00:22:16,862
That's why-- that's
why I introduced

656
00:22:16,965 --> 00:22:19,931
"Stopping Another Non-Truthful
Office Seeker Act."

657
00:22:20,034 --> 00:22:21,344
- The SANTOS Act?
- Yes.

658
00:22:21,448 --> 00:22:22,689
Yes.

659
00:22:22,793 --> 00:22:24,172
How long did it take you
to come up with that acronym?

660
00:22:24,275 --> 00:22:25,206
Come on.

661
00:22:25,310 --> 00:22:26,413
I was born with
that acronym in mind.

662
00:22:26,517 --> 00:22:28,724
[laughter]

663
00:22:28,827 --> 00:22:29,724
Oh, shit.

664
00:22:29,827 --> 00:22:32,068
[laughter]

665
00:22:32,172 --> 00:22:33,103
What can I say to that?

666
00:22:33,206 --> 00:22:35,413
I feel like my
life is like a drama.

667
00:22:35,517 --> 00:22:38,551
I mean, January 6 was
my third day on the job.

668
00:22:38,655 --> 00:22:39,551
JOHN: Wow, just your third day.

669
00:22:39,655 --> 00:22:41,000
Third day on the job.

670
00:22:41,103 --> 00:22:43,310
And so if someone had said to
a younger version of myself,

671
00:22:43,413 --> 00:22:45,137
Ritchie, you're going to
become a member of Congress

672
00:22:45,241 --> 00:22:48,241
during a global pandemic,
and witness an insurrection

673
00:22:48,344 --> 00:22:50,413
against the US
Capitol, and then vote

674
00:22:50,517 --> 00:22:54,965
to impeach the host of
The Celebrity Apprentice,

675
00:22:55,068 --> 00:22:58,241
and all of that would happen
within the first two weeks,

676
00:22:58,344 --> 00:22:59,689
I would have said, that
sounds like a movie

677
00:22:59,793 --> 00:23:00,931
written by George Santos.

678
00:23:01,034 --> 00:23:04,551
[laughter]

679
00:23:04,655 --> 00:23:05,551
So true.

680
00:23:05,655 --> 00:23:07,379
So true, man.

681
00:23:07,482 --> 00:23:09,206
Well, well put, my brother.

682
00:23:09,310 --> 00:23:10,862
Now-- now, you know, we
had this terrible shooting

683
00:23:10,965 --> 00:23:11,931
this week.

684
00:23:12,034 --> 00:23:13,310
I wanted to ask you
about gun reform.

685
00:23:13,413 --> 00:23:14,896
I mean, Republicans,
they don't want

686
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,655
to support background checks--

687
00:23:16,758 --> 00:23:19,206
they-- or mental fund programs.

688
00:23:19,310 --> 00:23:20,379
I mean, what do
we do about this?

689
00:23:20,482 --> 00:23:22,413
How do how do we
deal with them?

690
00:23:22,517 --> 00:23:24,206
Look, whenever
there's a mass shooting,

691
00:23:24,310 --> 00:23:27,137
Republicans are quick to
bring up mental illness.

692
00:23:27,241 --> 00:23:28,275
JOHN: Right.

693
00:23:28,379 --> 00:23:30,689
Every society on Earth
has mental illness.

694
00:23:30,793 --> 00:23:34,586
We are the only wealthy country
that has an epidemic of gun

695
00:23:34,689 --> 00:23:35,655
violence in mass shootings.

696
00:23:35,758 --> 00:23:36,655
JOHN: True that.

697
00:23:36,758 --> 00:23:38,068
That is not--

698
00:23:38,172 --> 00:23:41,275
like, let's be clear,
it's not an inevitability.

699
00:23:41,379 --> 00:23:43,172
It's a public policy choice.

700
00:23:43,275 --> 00:23:47,275
Like, we as a society, have
chosen to put our own children

701
00:23:47,379 --> 00:23:48,620
at risk of gun violence.

702
00:23:48,724 --> 00:23:49,862
And there are
Republicans who claim

703
00:23:49,965 --> 00:23:52,241
we're powerless because
there's evil in the world.

704
00:23:52,344 --> 00:23:55,034
And my view is if you're too
powerless to protect children

705
00:23:55,137 --> 00:23:57,206
from mass murder, then you have
no business being in Congress.

706
00:23:57,310 --> 00:23:58,206
JOHN: Yes!

707
00:23:58,310 --> 00:24:01,689
Like, what do you--

708
00:24:01,793 --> 00:24:03,206
That's why I voted for you!

709
00:24:03,310 --> 00:24:04,275
Thank you.

710
00:24:04,379 --> 00:24:05,655
Thank you.

711
00:24:05,758 --> 00:24:07,344
Well, if you voted for me
without being in my district,

712
00:24:07,448 --> 00:24:08,344
that's voter fraud.

713
00:24:08,448 --> 00:24:09,379
So I want to--

714
00:24:09,482 --> 00:24:10,931
No, that's why I
campaigned for you.

715
00:24:11,034 --> 00:24:12,517
I appreciate that.
I appreciate that.

716
00:24:12,620 --> 00:24:13,896
- I didn't vote twice.
- I appreciate that.

717
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:15,241
I tried, but I couldn't.

718
00:24:15,344 --> 00:24:17,310
Although your endorsement
is an illegal contribution.

719
00:24:17,413 --> 00:24:18,965
And we just had a former
president indicted so I--

720
00:24:19,068 --> 00:24:20,103
No, I didn't contribute.

721
00:24:20,206 --> 00:24:21,827
I stomped for you.

722
00:24:21,931 --> 00:24:22,827
I appreciate it.

723
00:24:22,931 --> 00:24:24,241
Yeah, yeah.

724
00:24:24,344 --> 00:24:26,620
That's why you're my new NBC
show, the docuseries that I'm

725
00:24:26,724 --> 00:24:29,000
doing, Leguizamo Does America.

726
00:24:29,103 --> 00:24:30,758
You're in my third episode.
- Thank you.

727
00:24:30,862 --> 00:24:31,896
Thank you, Ritchie.
That was a blast, man.

728
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:33,068
Thank you for coming on.
- Appreciate it.

729
00:24:33,172 --> 00:24:34,137
Thank you.

730
00:24:34,241 --> 00:24:36,068
OK, we're going to
take a quick break,

731
00:24:36,172 --> 00:24:37,862
but we'll be right
back after this.

732
00:24:37,965 --> 00:24:41,000
[cheers and applause]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

733
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:49,034
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

734
00:24:49,034 --> 00:24:52,965
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

735
00:24:52,965 --> 00:24:54,172
>> John: WELL, THAT'S OUR SHOW

736
00:24:54,172 --> 00:24:56,827
FOR TONIGHT.

737
00:24:56,827 --> 00:24:58,793
THAT WAS MY TIME AS YOUR HOST.

738
00:24:58,793 --> 00:25:01,000
BUT STAY TUNED BECAUSE NEXT

739
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,689
WEEK, YOUR HOST IS GOING TO BE

740
00:25:02,689 --> 00:25:04,862
ROY WOOD JR.!

741
00:25:04,862 --> 00:25:05,586
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

742
00:25:05,586 --> 00:25:07,482
AND IF YOU WANT TO SEE MORE OF

743
00:25:07,482 --> 00:25:10,448
ME, PLEASE TUNE INTO MY NEW SIX

744
00:25:10,448 --> 00:25:11,517
PART SERIES, "LEGUIZAMO DOES

745
00:25:11,517 --> 00:25:12,482
AMERICA."

746
00:25:12,482 --> 00:25:12,931
TAKE A LOOK.

747
00:25:12,931 --> 00:25:15,275
>> YO, I WANT TO WEAR THIS!

748
00:25:15,275 --> 00:25:17,896
COME ON!

749
00:25:17,896 --> 00:25:20,655
>> LOOK AT THIS.

750
00:25:20,655 --> 00:25:21,827
>> LOOK AT THAT!

751
00:25:21,827 --> 00:25:24,827
>> DUDE, WHAT ABOUT ONE OF THESE

752
00:25:24,827 --> 00:25:25,137
THESE?

753
00:25:25,137 --> 00:25:30,379
>> THAT IS LIKE PAPI LIKES MATH,

754
00:25:30,379 --> 00:25:31,551
A COUPLE PENCILS, PROTRACTOR.

755
00:25:31,551 --> 00:25:33,862
>> WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?

756
00:25:33,862 --> 00:25:35,413
>> REFEREE, GUCCI.

757
00:25:35,413 --> 00:25:37,137
WHEN YOU GUYS PLAY SOCCER, I

758
00:25:37,137 --> 00:25:38,482
SAY, YOU'VE GOT A FOUL.

759
00:25:38,482 --> 00:25:40,689
THERE IS A FIGHT.

760
00:25:40,689 --> 00:25:42,206
OKAY, GUYS.

761
00:25:42,206 --> 00:25:42,655
FIGHT OVER.

762
00:25:42,655 --> 00:25:44,379
KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF.

763
00:25:44,379 --> 00:25:45,965
HEY, STOP FIGHTING, STOP

764
00:25:45,965 --> 00:25:46,965
FIGHTING.

765
00:25:46,965 --> 00:25:48,206
NEITHER ONE OF US ARE TALL

766
00:25:48,206 --> 00:25:49,137
ENOUGH.

767
00:25:49,137 --> 00:25:51,517
>> IT IS LIKE HIGH-FIVING AN NBA

768
00:25:51,517 --> 00:25:51,896
PLAYER.

769
00:25:51,896 --> 00:25:56,586
>> WHAT'S UP, SHAQ?

770
00:25:56,586 --> 00:25:57,172
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

771
00:25:57,172 --> 00:26:01,068
>> John: OKAY, YOU CAN WATCH

772
00:26:01,068 --> 00:26:01,758
THIS STREAMING ON PEACOCK

773
00:26:01,758 --> 00:26:03,793
STARTING SUNDAY, APRIL 16TH,

774
00:26:03,793 --> 00:26:05,689
10:00 P.M. EASTERN.

775
00:26:05,689 --> 00:26:06,241
NOW HERE IT IS, YOUR

776
00:26:06,241 --> 00:26:07,448
"MOMENT OF ZEN."

777
00:26:07,448 --> 00:26:08,620
>> IS IT TRUE THAT YOU HAVE AN

778
00:26:08,620 --> 00:26:10,000
ONLYFANS PAGE AND YOU CAN PEEL A

779
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:10,620
BANANA WITH YOUR FEET?

780
00:26:10,620 --> 00:26:12,310
>> I DON'T HAVE ONE.

781
00:26:12,310 --> 00:26:15,000
I WILL INDULGE YOU THIS.

782
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:15,758
I JUST DISCOVERED WHAT ONLYFANS

783
00:26:15,758 --> 00:26:18,931
WAS ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO WHEN

784
00:26:18,931 --> 00:26:22,241
IT WAS BROUGHT UP IN A

785
00:26:22,241 --> 00:26:26,310
DISCUSSION IN MY OFFICE.

786
00:26:26,310 --> 00:26:27,034
>> WHAT DID YOU THINK?

787
00:26:27,034 --> 00:26:27,862
>> I WAS OBLIVIOUS TO THE WHOLE

788
00:26:27,862 --> 00:26:28,827
CONCEPT.

789
00:26:28,827 --> 00:26:29,068
[LAUGHTER]