1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:32,899 READY TO GO. ♪ ♪ Announcer: FROM NEW YORK CITY, THE ONLY CITY IN 2 00:00:32,899 --> 00:00:38,071 AMERICA, IT'S THE SHOW THAT INVENTED NEWS. THIS IS "THE DAILY SHOW" WITH YOUR HOST, SARAH SILVERMAN! 3 00:00:38,071 --> 00:00:41,474 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ Sarah: WELCOME, EVERYBODY, TO NIGHT THREE OF 4 00:00:41,474 --> 00:00:46,513 SILVERMAN HANUKKAH! THIS IS "THE DAILY SHOW!" I'M SARAH SILVERMAN. LET'S GET RIGHT INTO HEADLINES! 5 00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:53,787 ♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LET'S BEGIN WITH ELON MUSK, TWITTER CEO AND MAN WHO HAS 6 00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:59,159 DEFINITELY SCISSORED A ROBOT. IF YOU THOUGHT YOUR TWITTER FEED WAS ESPECIALLY FLOODED WITH ELON'S TWEETS THIS WEEK, YOU 7 00:00:59,159 --> 00:01:05,331 WEREN'T ALONE. APPARENTLY, ELON'S TWEETS WEREN'T GOING VIRAL ENOUGH, SO HE PRESSURED HIS ENGINEERS TO 8 00:01:05,331 --> 00:01:10,236 DESIGN A SPECIAL ALGORITHM JUST FOR HIS TWEETS SO THAT EVERYONE WOULD SEE THEM FIRST. BECAUSE IT BEHOOVES ALL OF US TO 9 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:15,041 BE PRIVY TO THEIR FRESH AND ORIGINAL INSIGHTS OF THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD. REALLY, THOUGH, THIS IS JUST THE 10 00:01:15,041 --> 00:01:19,279 MOST PATHETIC THING I'VE EVER HEARD. I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW SOMEONE CAN HAVE 15 KIDS AND STILL BE AN 11 00:01:19,279 --> 00:01:32,792 INCEL. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I FEEL BAD FOR HIM, I REALLY DO. THIS MAN PAID $44 BILLION 12 00:01:32,792 --> 00:01:39,499 TO GET THE SAME INSECURITIES THAT I HAVE FOR FREE! LET'S MOVE ON TO TURKEY. IT'S BEEN 10 DAYS SINCE THE 13 00:01:39,499 --> 00:01:44,537 COUNTRY WAS STRUCK BY A DEVASTATING EARTHQUAKE. BUT IN A SMALL BIT OF GOOD NEWS, RESCUE WORKERS ARE STILL 14 00:01:44,537 --> 00:01:56,282 MIRACULOUSLY FINDING PEOPLE ALIVE IN THE RUBBLE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] JUST YESTERDAY, THEY SAVED TWO 15 00:01:56,282 --> 00:02:03,289 BROTHERS WHO SURVIVED MORE THAN 200 HOURS BY EATING PROTEIN POWDER AND DRINKING THEIR OWN URINE. 16 00:02:03,289 --> 00:02:11,564 YECH! PROTEIN POWDER. BUT HOW AMAZING IS THAT? PROTEIN POWDER AND URINE! 17 00:02:11,564 --> 00:02:22,408 THAT DEFINITELY SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU COULD BUY FROM SAY, A JOE ROGAN. THANK GOD THEY HAD THAT 18 00:02:22,408 --> 00:02:29,115 PROTEIN POWDER DOWN THERE. THAT'S WHY EXPERTS ARE NOW SAYING, IN CASE OF AN EARTHQUAKE, TRY TO STAND IN THE 19 00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:40,426 DOORWAY OF A GNC. LET'S MOVE ON. ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE TV NETWORK NEWSMAX? 20 00:02:40,426 --> 00:02:45,765 [BOOS] OH, YOU ARE. IT'S BASICALLY AN EVEN MORE FAR-RIGHT FOX NEWS. 21 00:02:45,765 --> 00:02:51,304 LIKE, IF YOUR CRAZY UNCLE HAD A CRAZY UNCLE. ANYWAY, A REPORTER FROM NEWSMAX WAS AT THE WHITE HOUSE YESTERDAY 22 00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:58,244 AND HE ASKED A VERY NEWSMAX-Y QUESTION. ONE OF THE MOST PROMINENT THEMES THAT WE HEAR FROM BOTH 23 00:02:58,244 --> 00:03:08,922 ELECTED REPUBLICANS AND CANDIDATES HAS TO DO WITH WHAT IS CALLED "WOKEISM." AND SO, WE HEAR SO MUCH TALK 24 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:15,762 ABOUT "WOKE CAPITALISM," A "WOKE MILITARY," AND SO ON. AND BY WAY OF TRYING TO CLARIFY THIS FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, I 25 00:03:15,762 --> 00:03:26,005 WONDER IF WE COULDN'T BEGIN WITH A THRESHOLD QUESTION. TO WIT: IS PRESIDENT BIDEN WOKE? Sarah: FIRST OF ALL, 26 00:03:26,005 --> 00:03:32,745 "TO WIT"? OKAY, FRASIER. I LOVE HOW THESE GUYS ARE ALWAYS LIKE, "THE LEFT ARE COASTAL 27 00:03:32,745 --> 00:03:40,019 ELITES! NOW PRITHEE TELL, DOTH THOU BE WOKETH?" A PERSON WHO SAYS "TO WIT" IS 28 00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:57,103 USUALLY A "TO-WAT." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THIS GUY REALLY THINKS, "IS JOE BIDEN WOKE A HARD-HITTING 29 00:03:57,103 --> 00:04:05,612 QUESTION. THE REALLY HARD-HITTING QUESTION IS, "IS JOE BIDEN AWAKE?" I THINK THEY ARE JUST 30 00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:10,950 COMMUNICATING WRONG. BECAUSE WHAT I KNOW "WOKE" TO MEAN IS, LIKE, LEARNING NEW THINGS ABOUT PEOPLE OR THE 31 00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:16,823 WORLD, AND THEN ACTING ACCORDINGLY. LIKE, BASIC KINDNESS. MAYBE A GESTURE OF CARE TO 32 00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:25,465 PEOPLE WHO ARE MORE VULNERABLE THAN YOU. YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT, IT'S JESUS STUFF. 33 00:04:25,465 --> 00:04:38,011 THEY'RE LIKE, BUT I DON'T LIKE WHEN THEY PUSH IT ON ME. NOBODY'S PUSHING SHIT ON YOU. YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A BETA CUCK. 34 00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:44,851 LIKE, WOKE FOR THE RIGHT IS AN UMBRELLA TERM SO THEY DON'T HAVE TO SAY SPECIFICALLY THAT THEY'RE PIECES OF SHIT. 35 00:04:44,851 --> 00:04:48,488 IT FEELS COOLER TO SAY, "I'M NOT WOKE," THAN THE TRUTH, WHICH IS, "I'M TERRIFIED OF WHAT I DON'T 36 00:04:48,488 --> 00:04:57,030 UNDERSTAND AND I ONLY KNOW HOW TO PROCESS THAT AS ANGER BECAUSE I CAN'T LOOK INWARD. TO WIT..." 37 00:04:57,030 --> 00:05:06,906 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] SOMEONE WHOSE WOKENESS NOBODY IS WONDERING ABOUT: 38 00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:15,081 KANYE WEST. HIS DECISION TO GO FULL NAZI HASN'T JUST DESTROYED HIS OWN CAREER, BUT IT ALSO BURNED 39 00:05:15,081 --> 00:05:24,857 ADIDAS, AND NOW THE COMPANY IS LOOKING FOR A, WELL, LET'S SAY, A FINAL SOLUTION. WELL, AFTER CUTTING TIES WITH 40 00:05:24,857 --> 00:05:29,862 YE, BETTER KNOWN AS KANYE WEST, BACK IN OCTOBER OVER ANTI-SEMITIC COMMENTS, ADIDAS IS NOW LOOKING INTO OPTIONS TO 41 00:05:29,862 --> 00:05:34,200 SALVAGE ITS MERCHANDISE AND AVOID MAJOR LOSSES. SO THE COMPANY SAYS IT DOES EXPECT TO LOSE MORE THAN 42 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:41,507 $1 BILLION BY ENDING THAT YEEZY MERCHANDISE LINE. ADIDAS COULD POSSIBLY REPURPOSE THE PRODUCTS NOW IN ORDER TO 43 00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:49,615 KEEP THEIR LOSSES AT A MINIMUM. SOME OF THE OPTIONS THAT ARE LOOKING AT INCLUDE REMOVING THE YEEZY LABEL ON ALL OF THE 44 00:05:49,615 --> 00:05:57,523 MERCHANDISE OR SELLING, POSSIBLY TO SMALLER MARKETS OUTSIDE OF THE UNITED STATES. Sarah: THIS IS WHY WE HAVE 45 00:05:57,523 --> 00:06:03,262 TO STOP GIVING DEALS TO CELEBRITIES WHO ARE COOL AND START GIVING THEM TO CELEBRITIES WHO ARE JUST FINE. 46 00:06:03,262 --> 00:06:17,710 BUT I CAN'T ADIDAS START A RANDY NEWMAN LINE? [APPLAUSE] FOR MORE ON WHAT ADIDAS CAN DO 47 00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:24,217 WITH THESE SNEAKERS, WE TURN TO DULCE SLOAN, LIVE AT ADIDAS HEADQUARTERS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 48 00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:29,789 DULCE, WHAT DO YOU SAY, ADIDAS IS SCREWED, RIGHT? ANY WAY TO SALVAGE THIS? MAYBE. 49 00:06:29,789 --> 00:06:38,131 I MEAN, MAYBE NOT. THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM. THAT'S ADIDAS'S PROBLEM! IT'S CALLED "LOSING MONEY." 50 00:06:38,131 --> 00:06:50,209 YOU ROLLED THE DICE AND IT CAME UP "MEIN KAMPF." THAT'S ON YOU. WELCOME TO CAPITALISM, BITCHES! 51 00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:56,482 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Sarah: YEAH, BUT WILL ADIDAS HAVE TO THROW OUT ALL OF THE ISSUES? 52 00:06:56,482 --> 00:07:01,287 IT IS SO WASTEFUL. MAYBE THEY JUST TAKE THE LABELS OFF? THEY ARE STILL GOING TO KNOW 53 00:07:01,287 --> 00:07:09,195 IT AS THOUGH SHE WAS. YOU CAN'T TAKE THE LABEL OFF. YOU AIN'T TRICKING NOBODY. THE SAINT CLARK KENT AS SUPERMAN 54 00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:14,133 SITUATION. YOU NEED TO FIND A DIFFERENT USE FOR THESE SHOES. LIKE, LOOK AT THESE. 55 00:07:14,133 --> 00:07:20,006 YOU DON'T HAVE TO THROW THEM AWAY. YOU CAN JUST DRAIN PASTA IN THE¶ THEM. 56 00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:32,251 [APPLAUSE] AND THEN YOU GOT THOSE BOOTS. OKAY? THEY LOOK LIKE WEIRD BLANKETS. 57 00:07:32,251 --> 00:07:42,094 YOU CUT THEM UP, USE THEM AS BLANKETS FOR SMALL HOSTAGES, RIGHT? JUST SAY, SHH, THEY CAN'T HURT 58 00:07:42,094 --> 00:07:53,873 YOU NOW, YOU ARE SAFE, SQUEEZE THE YEEZYS AROUND YOU. LOOK AT THAT. EASY, COME ON! 59 00:07:53,873 --> 00:08:02,882 PUT YOUR NIVEA BODY WASH ON IT LIKE GOD INTENDED. Sarah: THIS ONE COULD BE A GOOD MENORAH. 60 00:08:02,882 --> 00:08:16,162 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] JUST LIKE GOD INTENDED. HERE IS ANOTHER IDEA. JUST KEEP SELLING THE UGLY ASS 61 00:08:16,162 --> 00:08:23,269 SHOES! THE ONLY PEOPLE BUYING THEM ANYMORE ARE NAZIS, SO NOW WE'LL KNOW WHO THE NAZIS ARE. 62 00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:37,650 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU IDENTIFY THOSE BELIEFS WITH FOOTWEAR. YOU CAN SPOT THEM ANYWHERE, EVEN 63 00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:41,888 IN A BATHROOM STALL. BECAUSE YOU KNOW I'M IN THE MEN'S ROOM. Sarah: WHY ARE YOU AN 64 00:08:41,888 --> 00:08:47,026 IMMENSE ROOM? BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE THE MEN ARE. IT LITERALLY SAYS IT ON THE 65 00:08:47,026 --> 00:08:57,403 DOOR. MEN'S ROOM. THAT IS WHERE THE MEN ARE IT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 66 00:08:57,403 --> 00:09:06,379 Sarah: I MEAN, I LIKE YOUR PLAN, BUT WOULDN'T IT BE WRONG FOR ADIDAS TO TAKE NAZI MONEY? NO, THAT'S THE BEST PART! 67 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:13,920 THE MORE MONEY THEY SPEND ON SHOES, THE HAVE LESS MONEY THEY HAVE TO BUY NAZI SHIT. RIGHT? 68 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:24,230 Sarah: OKAY. THEN, WHEN IT'S TIME TO FIGHT BUT THEY BUY WEAPONS BECAUSE THEY SPENT ALL OF THEIR MONEY ON 69 00:09:24,230 --> 00:09:30,069 SIZE 9 PASTA STRAINERS! [APPLAUSE] WELCOME TO CAPITALISM, YA NAZI BITCHES! 70 00:09:30,069 --> 00:09:36,842 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Sarah: YOU DID IT, DULCE, YOU SOLVED IT! DULCE SLOAN, EVERYONE! 71 00:09:36,842 --> 00:09:40,780 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT, WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT WHY YOU SHOULD CANCEL YOUR FLIGHT. 72 00:09:55,929 --> 00:10:29,996 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Sarah: WELCOME BACK TO "THE DAILY SHOW." 73 00:10:29,996 --> 00:10:37,070 SOMETIMES THERE ARE STORIES THAT NEED MORE THAN ONE TAKE, AND FOR THAT, WE GO TO ROY WOOD, JR., AND DESI LYDIC FOR 74 00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:44,711 "DOUBLE TAKE." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ HEY, I AM OR I AM 75 00:10:44,711 --> 00:10:48,815 ROY WOOD JR., AND SHE IS DESI LYDIC. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HOW ARE YOU DOING? 76 00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:54,120 THAT'S ENOUGH SMALL TALK. LET'S GET INTO IT, DESI. TODAY, WE ARE TALKING ABOUT AIR TRAVEL IN AMERICA. 77 00:10:54,120 --> 00:11:01,260 I DO KNOW ABOUT YOU, DESI, BUT I LOVE LYING BECAUSE HONESTLY, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN BEING TRAPPED IN THE METAL TUBE 78 00:11:01,260 --> 00:11:06,999 WITH 300 STRANGERS DURING THE PANDEMIC AND ALL OF US PRAYING THAT THE PILOT AIN'T TOO DRUNK TO LAND THIS IS TO BE 25, I LOVE 79 00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:11,871 THAT. I WILL BE HONEST, I DON'T ACTUALLY LOVE THAT, I GOT TO TELL YOU. 80 00:11:11,871 --> 00:11:18,144 I HAD THE WORST FLIGHT LAST WEEKEND. THIS KID NEXT TO ME CRIED TO THE ENTIRE TIME, SCREAMING IN MY 81 00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:21,748 EAR. I WOULD LIKE, I DON'T CARE YOU ARE MY SON. MOMMY IS TRYING TO WATCH A 82 00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:27,019 MOVIE. THAT'S RIGHT. GOT TO WATCH "ZOO LANDER." IT IS A CLASSIC. 83 00:11:27,019 --> 00:11:31,958 TOUR DE FORCE. "BLUE STEEL." [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] I HAVE TO DO VERY LITTLE FOR 84 00:11:31,958 --> 00:11:38,264 THAT. HAVE RESTING BLUE STEEL FACE. IT IS NOT JUST ME, ROY. AIR TRAVEL HAS GOTTEN SO BAD 85 00:11:38,264 --> 00:11:44,070 RECENTLY THAT CONGRESS HAS BEEN FORCED TO GET INVOLVED. SENATORS ED MARKEY AND RICHARD BLUMENTHAL INTRODUCING 86 00:11:44,070 --> 00:11:48,074 AIRLINE PASSENGERS BILL OF RIGHTS AIMED AT REQUIRING AIRLINES TO FAIRLY COMPENSATE FLIERS DURING AIRLINE 87 00:11:48,074 --> 00:11:55,047 CAUSED DELAYS AND CANCELLATIONS. THE SENATORS ALSO WANTED TO LIMIT FEES FOR BAGS, SEATING, AS WELL AS FOR CHANGES OR 88 00:11:55,047 --> 00:12:04,624 CANCELLATIONS. IF PASSENGERS COULD RECEIVE 1350 BUCKS WHENEVER THEIR FLIGHT IS DELAYED BY FOUR HOURS, I AM 89 00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:08,928 GUARANTEEING YOU, THERE WOULD BE A LOT FEWER DELAYS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YEAH, YEAH. 90 00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:13,332 WE COULD SOON BE GETTING AN AIRLINE PASSENGERS BILL OF RIGHTS. AND IF IT IS ANYTHING LIKE THE 91 00:12:13,332 --> 00:12:20,306 ORIGINAL BILL OF RIGHTS, WE JUST HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER 100 YEARS FOR IT TO APPLY TO WOMEN AND BLACK PEOPLE. 92 00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:28,247 [APPLAUSE] YOU KNOW, BUT THAT'S GREAT TO HEAR. I GOT TO SAY, $1300 IS A LOT OF 93 00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:33,820 MONEY. THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY, ESPECIALLY IF YOU CAN BUY $200 FLIGHT FOR A CHANCE TO END A 94 00:12:33,820 --> 00:12:38,491 GRAND. YOU COULD BE GAMBLING AT THE AIRPORT. YOU CAN BUY A CHEAP TICKET AND 95 00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:46,766 WAIT FOR THE DELAY IN THE SKY LOUNGE, LIKE, COME ON, DELTA, GIVE ME THAT WE CAN MECHANICAL FAILURE! 96 00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:52,171 I, FOR ONE, AND WHETHER THEY ARE FINALLY DOING SOMETHING ABOUT THE FEES. THEY HAVE A NICKEL AND DIMING US 97 00:12:52,171 --> 00:12:58,611 FOR YEARS, FOR AS BAGGAGE, FEES TO PRINT A BOARDING PASS, FEES FOR PICKING ACH. LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO 98 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:04,083 IF I DON'T PICK A SEAT? HOW ABOUT I JUST STAND THE ENTIRE FLIGHT. I WILL TREAT YOUR DAMN FLIGHT 99 00:13:04,083 --> 00:13:13,693 LIKE IT IS AS A BOY I WILL STAND THERE BREAK DANCING AND. I WILL. SPEAKING OF JERKING JERKING 100 00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,328 STICKS MATT OFF ON A AIRPLANE, THERE'S 101 00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:23,769 BEEN A LOT OF THEM ON THE RUNWAY FOR HOURS, AS THE LAWS OF PHYSICS ESTATE COME OVER THERE IS TOO MUCH TIME TO KILL, WHITE 102 00:13:23,769 --> 00:13:29,709 PEOPLE BUST OUT THE ACOUSTIC GUITARS. ♪ ♪ ♪ COUNTRY ♪ 103 00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:37,216 ♪ 'S ♪ ♪ TAKE ME HOME ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] NO. 104 00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:43,890 NO, NO, NO. LOOK. NO ONE HAS EVER BEEN LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE THIS 105 00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:47,660 DELAYED FLIGHT BETTER? LET'S BREAK OUT INTO A SING-ALONG. ALSO COME I DIDN'T THE DUDE WHO 106 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:58,104 WROTE THAT SONG, DIDN'T HE DIE IN A PLANE CRASH? HOW IS PLANE CRASH DUDE IN CHARGE OF THE ANTHEM FOR AIR 107 00:13:58,104 --> 00:14:03,142 TRAVEL? HOW IS HE IN CHARGE OF THAT? I'M ASKING YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE RIGHT. 108 00:14:03,142 --> 00:14:08,648 HOW WAS THAT POSSIBLE? OH, I DON'T KNOW, BUT I WILL BRING IT UP AT THE NEXT WHITE PEOPLE MEETING. 109 00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:14,987 OKAY. SINGING JOHN DENVER ON THE FLIGHT IS LIKE TEMPTING FATE. I WOULDN'T WATCH "TITANIC" ON A 110 00:14:14,987 --> 00:14:20,359 CRUISE. YEAH, I WILL CHECK OUT THIS BE TITTY PAINTING SCENE BUT THAT IS IT. 111 00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:29,769 AND ONE OF THE BIG REASONS AIR TRAVEL IN THIS TRAVEL IS STRUGGLING IS THE FAA, OR MORE COMMONLY KNOWN AS "FAAH." 112 00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:35,441 THAT'S RIGHT, THE FAA IS IN A LOT OF TROUBLE BECAUSE WE ARE FINDING OUT HOW OUTDATED SOME OF THESE AIRPORTS ARE. 113 00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:40,580 THEY ARE TRACKING FLIGHTS WITH PAPER STRIPS. THEY ARE NOT USING COMPUTERS. THEY ARE WRITING YOUR FLIGHT ON 114 00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:49,322 A PAPER STRIP AND PUTTING IT UP ON THE BOARD. ARTS AND CRAFTS! OH, MY GOD. 115 00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:55,461 HOW ARE THESE PLANES NOT CRASHING ALL THE TIME? WELL, THEY ARE GETTING CLOSE. THE FAA IS FORMING A TEAM OF 116 00:14:55,461 --> 00:15:03,502 EXPERTS TO EXAMINE FLIGHT SAFETY AFTER SEVERAL RECENT CLOSE CALLS INVOLVING COMMERCIAL PLANES. I FEDEX BOEING 767 WAS ABOUT 117 00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:10,843 TO LAND IN AUSTEN'S INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT AS A SOUTHWEST AIRLINES 737 WAS TOLD TO TAKE OFF FROM THE SAME 118 00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:16,582 RUNWAY. THE TWO PLANES CAME WITHIN 100 FEET OF COLLIDING IN THICK FOG. 119 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:24,857 IT COMES THREE WEEKS AFTER ANOTHER NEAR COLLISION AT JFK, WHERE A DELTA AIRLINES FLIGHT ABRUPTLY STOPPED ITS TAKEOFF AS 120 00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:31,430 AN AMERICAN AIRLINES FLIGHT TAXIED ACROSS THE RUNWAY IN FRONT OF IT. [BLEEP]. 121 00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:38,037 CANCEL TAKE OFF. EMITTERS CARE IN DECEMBER JUST RECENTLY CAME TO LIGHT. UNITED AIRLINES FLIGHT DEPARTING 122 00:15:38,037 --> 00:15:45,745 MALL WE TOOK A NOSEDIVE COME UPON VENTING AND ABOUT 20 SECONDS COMING ON THIN 775 FEET OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN. 123 00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:50,816 FLAMES SHOOTING OUT FROM UNDER THE WING OF A DELTA PLANE TRAVELING FROM SCOTLAND TO NEW YORK. 124 00:15:50,816 --> 00:16:00,693 FORCED TO MAKE AN EMERGENCY LANDING. DELTA BLAMES A MECHANICAL ISSUE. YEAH. 125 00:16:00,693 --> 00:16:06,499 NO SHIT. I AM NOT AN ENGINEER. I AM NOT AN ENGINEER. BUT IF THE WING IS ON FIRE, THAT 126 00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:13,839 LOOKS LIKE A MECHANICAL ISSUE. YEAH. AND ALSO, OH, MY GOD, CAN YOU IMAGINE DYING IN A PLANE CRASH 127 00:16:13,839 --> 00:16:19,945 ON THE RUNWAY? LIKE, IF I AM DYING IN A PLANE, I BETTER BE IN THE AIR. OTHERWISE I AM JUST GOING ALL 128 00:16:19,945 --> 00:16:28,487 THE WAY THROUGH TSA JUST TO DIE IN A CAR CRASH. [APPLAUSE] TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, NOW 129 00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:35,461 YOU ARE DEAD AND YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR FULL SIZE SHAMPOO. YOU KNOW WHAT, ROY, THESE INCIDENTS MAKE ME THINK THAT WE 130 00:16:35,461 --> 00:16:41,400 NEED A NEW PASSENGER BILL OF RIGHTS. ARTICLE ONE. AIRLINES SHOULD NOT KILL YOU. 131 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:51,610 ARTICLE TWO. IF THEY DO KILL YOU, YOU GET $1300. [APPLAUSE] 132 00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:58,250 ARTICLE THREE. GET RID OF THE PAPER STRIPS. OR AT LEAST LAMINATE THEM. IT IS THE 20TH CENTURY. 133 00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:06,525 IT'S THE 21ST CENTURY. IT'S THE 21ST CENTURY. ARTICLE FOUR. IF SOMEONE ON THE FLIGHT HAS TO 134 00:17:06,525 --> 00:17:17,036 DIE, IT SHOULD BE THE PERSON WITH THE ACOUSTIC GUITAR. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] AND ALSO, LET ME JUST SLIP IN 135 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:26,011 ARTICLE FIVE. NO MORE CHILDREN ON FLIGHTS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] WHAT ABOUT YOUR KID? 136 00:17:26,011 --> 00:17:31,417 ESPECIALLY MY KID. NO MORE CHILDREN ON FLIGHTS. GET THEM OFF! WORKS FOR ME. 137 00:17:31,417 --> 00:17:36,388 THANKS FOR CHATTING, DESI. BACK TO YOU, SARAH. Sarah: Sarah: THANKS, GUYS. 138 00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:40,459 ALL RIGHT, STAY TUNED BECAUSE WHEN WE COME BACK, THE LEGEND HIMSELF, KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR, WILL BE JOINING ME ON THE SHOW. 139 00:17:48,068 --> 00:18:14,127 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Sarah: WELCOME BACK TO "THE DAILY SHOW." 140 00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:19,532 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN NBA LEGEND WHO WILL BE HONORED BY ADIDAS WITH A LIMITED EDITION SNEAKER COLLECTION CALLED 141 00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:24,070 "EVOLUTION OF EXCELLENCE" THAT CELEBRATES HIS CAREER ACROSS SPORTS AND SOCIAL JUSTICE. PLEASE WELCOME, OH, MY GOSH, 142 00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:30,009 KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 143 00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:38,518 WELL. WELL, WELL, WELL. WELL. Sarah: YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY 144 00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:46,860 SAID I COULD GUEST HOST THIS SHOW, THEN THEY SAID, WHO IS YOUR DREAM GUEST? DON'T SAY -- IT DOESN'T HAVE TO 145 00:18:46,860 --> 00:18:51,030 BE REALISTIC, JUST SAY ONE DREAM GUEST AND THEN MAKE A REALISTIC LIST, AND I SAID, KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR. 146 00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:59,672 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] LET'S PRETEND THIS IS A THERAPY SESSION. I AM YOUR THERAPIST. 147 00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:06,179 ALL RIGHT. Sarah: OF COURSE, AS EVERYONE KNOWS, LeBRON JAMES JUST BROKE ONE OF YOUR RECORDS, 148 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:15,922 AND YOU WERE SO GRACIOUS AND THERE AND EVERYTHING. BUT HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL? [LAUGHS] 149 00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:23,463 I LIKE TO SAY, I AM PRETTY GLAD THAT MY ROLE IN IT WAS FINISHED. [LAUGHS] YOU KNOW, BUT LeBRON WORKED 150 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:33,306 REAL HARD FOR IT. HE DESERVES IT. HE HAS SPENT HIS ADULT LIFE AS A PREMIER ATHLETE AND DONE AN 151 00:19:33,306 --> 00:19:41,114 EXCEPTIONAL JOB AT IT. AND HIS HEART IS IN THE RIGHT PLACE. I DON'T KNOW, YOU MAY OR MAY NOT 152 00:19:41,114 --> 00:19:48,021 KNOW HOW HE SENT A WHOLE SCHOOL DISTRICT TO COLLEGE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YEAH. 153 00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:56,563 Sarah: NICE. A WHOLE LOT HE CAN BE DOING WITH THAT TUITION MONEY, YOU KNOW? 154 00:19:56,563 --> 00:20:02,902 HE COULD BE ON HIS OWN ISLAND. BUT THAT IS WHERE HIS HEART IS. SO I GOT A LOT OF RESPECT FOR HIM. 155 00:20:02,902 --> 00:20:12,845 I WISH HIM WELL. Sarah: I WAS ALWAYS A FAN OF YOUR BASKETBALL. BUT I BECAME MOVED TO SUPER 156 00:20:12,845 --> 00:20:20,787 FANDOM WHEN JUST READING YOUR WRITING AND YOUR PIECES AND YOUR SUBSTACK AND -- I MEAN, I THINK OF MYSELF AS SOMEONE WHO DOES 157 00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:27,026 ODD JOBS. YOU, I FEEL A KINDRED SPIRIT WITH YOU. YOU WRITE FOR "TIME" MAGAZINE 158 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:37,270 AND YOU'VE GOT YOUR SUBSTACK AND YOU KNOW, MY MANAGER AND FRIEND, DEBORAH MORALES, ENABLED ME TO FIGURE OUT A WAY TO 159 00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:48,548 EXPRESS ALL OF THIS, AND MAKE IT WORK AS A LIVING, YOU KNOW? GETTING PAID FOR DOING SOMETHING THAT YOU LOVE IS, LIKE, ALMOST 160 00:20:48,548 --> 00:21:06,833 AS GOOD AS PLAYING BASKETBALL. [APPLAUSE] Sarah: YOU KNOW WHAT I REALLY WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT IS 161 00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:12,639 YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH BRUCE LEE. YOU KNOW, HE REMINDS ME OF YOU WITH HIM IS JUST THE IDEA OF "BE 162 00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:20,913 LIKE WATER." THE NAME OF HIS -- Sarah: TO ADJUST TO ANY CIRCUMSTANCE, TO SPROUT WHERE 163 00:21:20,913 --> 00:21:24,517 YOU ARE PLANTED. BRUCE WAS ALL ABOUT BROTHERHOOD. YEAH. 164 00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:31,391 [APPLAUSE] HE WAS ALL ABOUT BROTHERHOOD. AND FOR A LONG TIME, CHINESE PEOPLE DIDN'T LIKE HIM TEACHING 165 00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:36,262 PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T CHINESE. BUT BRUCE SAID, HEY, I HAVE LEARNED THINGS FROM PEOPLE WHO WEREN'T CHINESE THAT MAYBE THEY 166 00:21:36,262 --> 00:21:44,404 MIGHT HAVE WANTED TO KEEP QUIET BUT THEY SHARED IT. AND THAT WAS HIS ATTITUDE ABOUT IT. 167 00:21:44,404 --> 00:21:50,410 AND IT MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR THE EXCHANGE TO HAPPEN. I KNOW THAT IS HOW IT WAS WITH ME AND HIM. 168 00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:55,081 OUR FRIENDSHIP WAS BASED ON THAT. IT MEANT SOMETHING. Sarah: THOSE ARE MITZVAHS, 169 00:21:55,081 --> 00:22:02,989 THEY ARE GENEROUS, A WONDERFUL WAY TO LIVE. YES, ABSOLUTELY. Sarah: THAT'S HOW I THINK 170 00:22:02,989 --> 00:22:07,126 OF YOU. IT IS MISTER ROGERS AND YOU. YOU ARE MY TOP TWO. IT'S TRUE! 171 00:22:07,126 --> 00:22:16,469 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THE EVOLUTION OF EXCELLENCE COLLECTION. ALL RIGHT, WE ARE GOING TO TAKE 172 00:22:21,041 --> 00:22:42,929 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Sarah: THAT'S OUR SHOW FOR TONIGHT. 173 00:22:42,929 --> 00:22:48,001 BUT BEFORE WE GO, PLEASE CONSIDER SUPPORTING THE BLOCK CHICAGO, A NONPROFIT THAT CULTIVATES THE LOVE OF BOXING 174 00:22:48,001 --> 00:22:53,840 AND YOUNG PEOPLE WHILE CONNECTING THEM WITH MENTORS AND ACADEMIC SERVICES. IT IS AN AMAZING PROGRAM. 175 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:58,945 IF YOU CAN'T SUPPORT THEM IN THEIR WORK, PLEASE DONATE AT THE LINK BELOW. HAPPY BIRTHDAY. 176 00:22:58,945 --> 00:23:00,414 AND NOW, HERE IT IS, YOUR "MOMENT OF ZEN." ALL RIGHT, KANSAS CITY JEEVES SUPERSTAR PATRICK MAHOMES.