1 00:00:00,233 --> 00:00:04,671 ♪ ♪ Announcer: FROM NEW YORK CITY, THE ONLY CITY IN AMERICA, IT'S THE SHOW THAT 2 00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:14,013 INVENTED NEWS. THIS IS "THE DAILY SHOW" WITH YOUR HOST, CHELSEA HANDLER! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 3 00:00:14,013 --> 00:00:37,270 ♪ ♪ Chelsea: WELCOME TO "THE DAILY SHOW"! I'M CHELSEA HANDLER, 4 00:00:37,270 --> 00:00:42,275 AND THIS IS IT! MY LAST NIGHT BEHIND THE DESK. I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS WEEK AS MUCH AS I DID, BUT IF YOU 5 00:00:42,275 --> 00:00:50,283 DIDN'T, FEEL FREE TO TWEET ME MY HANDLE IS @EllenDeGeneres. WE'VE GOT ANOTHER EXCELLENT SHOW 6 00:00:50,283 --> 00:00:55,021 FOR YOU TONIGHT, BECAUSE IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THIS ALREADY, THURSDAYS ARE THE BEST. THEY'RE LIKE FRIDAYS FOR PEOPLE 7 00:00:55,021 --> 00:01:06,633 WHO WORK 4-DAY WEEKS. SO LET'S GET INTO HEADLINES! ♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 8 00:01:06,633 --> 00:01:13,106 I WANTED TO KICK THINGS OFF WITH A HEARTWARMING STORY TONIGHT. AS A WOMAN, IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO SEE A FATHER SPEND REAL QUALITY 9 00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:22,482 TIME WITH HIS DAUGHTER ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S A BUSY CAREER MAN. KIM JONG UN, DICTATOR AND 10 00:01:22,482 --> 00:01:28,054 FAMILY MAN, BROUGHT HIS DAUGHTER AND WIFE TO THE MILITARY PARADE WHICH FEATURED MORE INTERCONTINENTAL BALLISTIC 11 00:01:28,054 --> 00:01:34,961 MISSILES THAN EVER BEFORE. BELIEVED TO BE CALLED JU-AE, MAYBE NINE OR TEN YEARS OLD, THIS IS THE FIFTH PUBLIC EVENT 12 00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:38,965 FOR KIM'S DAUGHTER SINCE NOVEMBER. THE ONLY ONE OF HIS CHILDREN TO BE SHOWN IN PUBLIC. 13 00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:47,006 FUELING SPECULATION HE MAY BE GROOMING HER FOR SUCCESSION. AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL AGE, SHE ALREADY OUTRANKS A ROOM FULL OF 14 00:01:47,006 --> 00:01:54,948 SENIOR MILITARY OFFICERS. Chelsea: I DIDN'T KNOW THAT KIM JONG UN HAD A DAUGHTER. AND JUDGING FROM THIS PHOTO, IT 15 00:01:54,948 --> 00:02:04,023 LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOT ANOTHER BUN IN THE OVEN. YES, THIS GIRL IS SPECULATED TO BECOME KIM'S SUCCESSOR. 16 00:02:04,023 --> 00:02:14,667 WHO WOULD'VE EVER THOUGHT THAT NORTH KOREA WOULD HAVE A FEMALE LEADER BEFORE AMERICA? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 17 00:02:14,667 --> 00:02:24,110 AND SHE'S A MINORITY! I HAVE TO SAY, I AM SO SICK OF THESE NEPO BABIES. 18 00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:30,016 FIRST LILY ROSE DEPP, THEN WILLOW SMITH, NOW THIS GIRL. WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BECOMING A NUKE-WIELDING TYRANT ON MERIT? 19 00:02:30,016 --> 00:02:38,825 YOU KNOW HOW MANY GIRLS ARE OUT THERE WORKING HARD, LEARNING HOW TO FIRE MISSILES, AND STARVE AN ENTIRE POPULATION, 20 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:44,397 WHO WILL NEVER HAVE AN OPPORTUNITY TO LEAD A REGIME? ALSO, TO ALL THE MEN OUT THERE WHO THINK FEDORAS ARE CUTE, I 21 00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:53,940 WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THIS IS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] IT IS NOT A GOOD LOOK. 22 00:02:53,940 --> 00:03:02,815 ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE SHAPED LIKE A GIANT CABBAGE PATCH KID. LET'S MOVE ONTO THE MAN WHO INVENTED CABBAGE PATCH KIDS: 23 00:03:02,815 --> 00:03:11,157 GEORGE SANTOS! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] EARLIER THIS WEEK, HE WAS ROASTED AT THE STATE OF THE 24 00:03:11,157 --> 00:03:17,830 UNION BY UTAH SENATOR AND SILVER FOX MITT ROMNEY. AND APPARENTLY, GEORGIE DIDN'T APPRECIATE IT. 25 00:03:17,830 --> 00:03:22,201 MEANWHILE, SANTOS IS FIRING BACK AT SENATOR MITT ROMNEY AFTER THEY CLASHED AT THE STATE OF THE UNION. 26 00:03:22,201 --> 00:03:27,173 ROMNEY SAID SANTOS SHOULD BE EMBARRASSED AND SHOULD HAVE SAT IN THE BACK AND STAYED QUIET. IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME IN 27 00:03:27,173 --> 00:03:31,010 HISTORY THAT I'VE BEEN TOLD TO SHUT UP AND GO TO THE BACK OF A ROOM, ESPECIALLY BY PEOPLE WHO COME FROM A PRIVILEGED 28 00:03:31,010 --> 00:03:35,682 BACKGROUND. I MEAN, I THINK IT IS REPREHENSIBLE THAT THE SENATOR WOULD SAY SUCH A THING TO ME IN 29 00:03:35,682 --> 00:03:47,160 THE DEMEANING WAY HE SAID IT. IT WASN'T VERY MORMON OF HIM. THAT'S WHAT I CAN TELL YOU. Chelsea: WHOO. 30 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:53,433 FIRST OF ALL, YOU CAN'T DRESS LIKE YOUNG SHELDON AND ALSO COMPLAIN ABOUT PEOPLE COMING FROM A PRIVILEGED BACKGROUND. 31 00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:58,771 YOU ARE SAYING THAT WASN'T VERY MORMON? BUT ROMNEY IS SO MORMON THAT WHATEVER HE DOES IS THE MORMON 32 00:03:58,771 --> 00:04:06,479 THING TO DO. HE IS THE KING OF THE MORMONS! ALL MORMONS ARE MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW AND AS A JEWISH PERSON, I 33 00:04:06,479 --> 00:04:14,988 WILL TAKE A LEAP OF FAITH AND SPEAK ON BEHALF OF ALL JEWS AND SAY WE ARE MAD AT YOU TOO. EVEN THE DALAI LAMA IS LIKE, 34 00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:21,594 THIS [BLEEP]? I LIKE HOW HE SAYS IT'S NOT THE FIRST TIME HE'S BEEN TOLD TO GO TO THE BACK OF THE ROOM. 35 00:04:21,594 --> 00:04:28,635 IT SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS ABOUT TO SAY, "AFRICAN-AMERICANS LIKE ME WERE TOLD TO GO TO THE BACK FOR YEARS BUT WE SAID NO." 36 00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:38,945 AT THE SAME TIME, THOUGH, GEORGE SANTOS IS AN ABSOLUTE BITCH, AND I LOVE IT. I'M GONNA MISS HIM. 37 00:04:38,945 --> 00:04:46,319 WHEN HE'S IN PRISON IN TWO MONTHS. LET'S MOVE ON TO THE LATEST WAY THAT DUMB PEOPLE ARE SPENDING 38 00:04:46,319 --> 00:04:50,490 THEIR LIVES. PEOPLE WILL DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING FOR CLICKS ON SOCIAL MEDIA. 39 00:04:50,490 --> 00:04:54,927 BUT THIS IS REALLY STUPID. JUMPING FROM THE HIGHEST POINT POSSIBLE AND INTENTIONALLY LANDING IN THE WATER WITH A 40 00:04:54,927 --> 00:05:03,403 BELLY FLOP. IT IS A STUNT SO TERRIFYING, THEY ARE CALLING IT DEATH DIVING. 41 00:05:03,403 --> 00:05:10,877 IT IS EXTREME BELLY FLOPPING. AND OUCH! DOES IT HURT. THE HIGHER THE JUMP, THE MORE 42 00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:18,117 THE CLICKS. THIS GUY'S JUMPING OFF A ROOF INTO A POOL. BELLY FIRST. 43 00:05:18,117 --> 00:05:27,393 THIS VIDEO ALONE HAS NEARLY 44 MILLION VIEWS. WATCH AS SHE THROWS HERSELF OFF A PLATFORM 81 FEET IN THE AIR. 44 00:05:27,393 --> 00:05:34,067 EXPERTS SAY DEFINITELY DON'T DO IT. THERE'S POTENTIAL FOR A LOT OF INJURIES, THEY COULD CRACK A 45 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:46,045 RIB, THEIR INTERNAL ORGANS CAN SEPARATE. Chelsea: THIS TREND WAS BROUGHT TO YOU BY WHITE CLAW: 46 00:05:46,045 --> 00:05:51,451 [APPLAUSE] THE PREFERRED DRINK OF WHITE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DO STUPID SHIT. 47 00:05:51,451 --> 00:05:57,657 AND BY THE WAY, I DON'T WANT TO NITPICK THE WAY PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO KILL THEMSELVES, BUT IT'S NOT REALLY A BELLY FLOP 48 00:05:57,657 --> 00:06:03,563 UNLESS YOU SPREAD YOUR ARMS OUT LIKE THIS. I SEE YOU GUYS TUCKING IN AT THE LAST SECOND. 49 00:06:03,563 --> 00:06:11,037 DO YOU WANT TO SEPARATE YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS OR DON'T YOU? [APPLAUSE] I LOVE HOW "EXPERTS SAY 50 00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:21,347 DEFINITELY DON'T DO IT." YEAH, NO SHIT, SHERLOCK! BY THE WAY, YOU GUYS DON'T HAVE TO PUSH THINGS THIS FAR TO GO 51 00:06:21,347 --> 00:06:30,089 VIRAL. YOU CAN JUST SKI DOWN A MOUNTAIN TOPLESS, LIKE I DO. YOU GET PLENTY OF CLICKS. 52 00:06:30,089 --> 00:06:34,727 ON THE OTHER HAND, IF ALL THE YOUNG HOT BLONDE WOMEN WANT TO BELLY FLOP TO THEIR DEATHS, HAVE FUN! 53 00:06:34,727 --> 00:06:39,465 BECAUSE IT'S LESS COMPETITION FOR ME. AND FINALLY, LET'S MOVE ON TO OUR BIG INTERNATIONAL STORY FOR 54 00:06:39,465 --> 00:06:46,105 THE WEEK. THE IMPENDING COLD WAR BETWEEN JOE BIDEN AND XI JI -- XI JIN -- 55 00:06:46,105 --> 00:06:53,146 AND CHINA. THE MASSIVE RECOVERY EFFORT NOW UNDERWAY. UNMANNED UNDERWATER VEHICLES 56 00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:59,452 SEEKING OUT WRECKAGE FROM THE BALLOON'S HUGE TECHNOLOGY BAY, THE SIZE OF THREE BUSES. THOSE VEHICLES ALSO SEARCHING 57 00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:07,326 FOR POSSIBLE EXPLOSIVES. A SENIOR U.S. OFFICIAL TELLS ME THE BALLOON HAD A SELF-DESTRUCT CAPABILITY. 58 00:07:07,326 --> 00:07:14,734 AS THE U.S. COLLECTS DEBRIS, AND WITH IT INFORMATION, CHINA TODAY DECLARING THE AIR SHIP DOES NOT BELONG TO 59 00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:24,677 THE UNITED STATES, BUT TO CHINA. THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION MAKING IT CLEAR THEY'RE NOT GETTING IT BACK. 60 00:07:24,677 --> 00:07:32,685 Chelsea: [BLEEP] YOU, CHINA. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU SENT THE BALLOON OVER HERE 61 00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:39,458 TO SPY ON US! WE FOUND IT AND NOW IT IS OURS! YOU DON'T GET TO DEMAND THAT WE RETURN IT, JUST LIKE THE GUY WHO 62 00:07:39,458 --> 00:07:50,236 ATTACKED NANCY PELOSI'S HUSBAND DOESN'T GET HIS HAMMER BACK. AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS, BUT I'M NOT SCARED ABOUT THE 63 00:07:50,236 --> 00:07:55,975 SUPPOSE IT EXPLOSIVE SELF-DESTRUCT CAPABILITY ON A BALLOON. ALL BALLOONS HAVE A 64 00:07:55,975 --> 00:08:00,246 SELF-DESTRUCT CAPABILITY. IT'S CALLED DEFLATING. ALSO, "IT DOESN'T BELONG TO US"? SORRY, CHINA, IT'S CONFUSING FOR 65 00:08:00,246 --> 00:08:03,816 US. USUALLY, WHEN YOU RELEASE THINGS, IT'S FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD TO ENJOY. 66 00:08:03,816 --> 00:08:16,996 LIKE COVID. FOR MORE ON THE BALLOON CLEANUP, WE GO NOW TO MICHAEL KOSTA AT THE SCENE OF THE WRECKAGE. 67 00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:25,137 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MICHAEL, WHAT'S GOING ON? CHELSEA, I'M HERE IN THE DEBRIS FIELD, WHICH IS SEVEN 68 00:08:25,137 --> 00:08:32,778 MILES WIDE, AND IT JUST KEEPS EXPANDING. ONE THING EXPERTS HAVE LEARNED DURING THIS CLEANUP IS THAT 69 00:08:32,778 --> 00:08:37,850 WATER MOVES. Chelsea: SO HOW'S THE RECOVERY GOING? NOT GREAT. 70 00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:48,060 IT'S HARD TO DISTINGUISH THE SPY BALLOON DEBRIS FROM THE DEBRIS THAT'S JUST ALWAYS IN THE OCEAN. LIKE THIS. 71 00:08:48,060 --> 00:08:58,204 IT'S SAD, BUT THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT. Chelsea: IS THERE ANYWAY WE WOULD EVER HAVE TO GIVE ANY OF 72 00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:02,108 THE BALLOON BACK TO CHINA? HOW DARE YOU, CHELSEA? AMERICA HAS FULL RIGHTS TO THE BALLOON UNDER THE HISTORIC 73 00:09:02,108 --> 00:09:09,282 DOCTRINE OF "FINDERS KEEPERS," WHICH, OF COURSE, WAS LATER AMENDED TO INCLUDE "LOSERS WEEPERS." 74 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:16,422 HOWEVER, UNDER U.N. LAW, IF AMERICA FAILS TO DECLARE "NO BACKSIES," CHINA CAN CALL "DIBS," PROVIDED THAT BEFORE 75 00:09:16,422 --> 00:09:24,130 THEY LAUNCHED THE BALLOON, THEY LICKED IT. Chelsea: OKAY, WELL, THANK YOU FOR YOUR LEGAL EXPERTISE, 76 00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:28,668 MICHAEL. ONE LAST QUESTION, HOW MUCH LONGER THE RECOVERY WILL TAKE? IT MIGHT BE A WHILE. 77 00:09:28,668 --> 00:09:36,409 THE SEARCH IS BEING HAMPERED BY ALL THE TIKTOKERS WHO ARE DEATH-DIVING INTO THE DEBRIS FIELD. 78 00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:42,481 THE NAVY IS DOING -- GOD DAMN IT. COME ON, GUYS! I'M DOING A REPORT! 79 00:09:42,481 --> 00:09:45,885 YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF, CHELSEA, IS THAT THEY'RE NOT EVEN BELLY-FLOPPING, THEY'RE TUCKING IN AT THE LAST SECOND. 80 00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:51,457 Chelsea: THAT'S WHAT I WAS SAYING! I KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO SEPARATE THEIR 81 00:09:51,457 --> 00:10:02,034 INTERNAL ORGANS! GODDAMN IT! OH, MY GOD. LOOK WHAT I FOUND! 82 00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:07,173 I THINK I FOUND A PIECE OF THE BALLOON. HEY, NAVY GUYS, IS THIS SOMETHING? 83 00:10:07,173 --> 00:10:12,078 Chelsea: BE CAREFUL, MICHAEL, THAT MIGHT BE THE SELF-DESTRUCTING PART OF THE BALLOON! 84 00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:23,022 THE SELF-DESTRUCTING PART OF THE WHAT? Chelsea: WELL, I'M SURE HE'LL BE OKAY. 85 00:10:23,022 --> 00:10:28,894 MICHAEL KOSTA, EVERYONE! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ALL RIGHT, WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL HAVE SOME OF MY FAVORITE 86 00:10:28,894 --> 00:10:30,663 COMEDIANS ON TO TALK MORE ABOUT THE NEWS. 87 00:10:38,638 --> 00:11:07,333 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Chelsea: WELCOME BACK TO "THE DAILY SHOW." 88 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:14,006 THERE ARE MORE STORIES OUT THERE TO TALK ABOUT AND TO HELP ME TALK THROUGH THEM, I BROUGHT IN SOME FRIENDS. 89 00:11:14,006 --> 00:11:21,414 PLEASE WELCOME ATSUKO OKATSUKA, ROSEBUD BAKER, AND BOB THE DRAG QUEEN! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 90 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:26,552 [LAUGHTER] OKAY. HI, CHELSEA. Chelsea: HI, ATSUKO, HOW 91 00:11:26,552 --> 00:11:29,789 ARE YOU? I'M GOOD. LET'S TALK STORIES. [LAUGHTER] 92 00:11:29,789 --> 00:11:39,865 Chelsea: WE HAVE SOME STORIES. ONE OF THE KARDASHIANS, KOURTNEY, THE MOST UNTOUCHED 93 00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:46,272 ONE, SHE IS COMING OUT WITH A VAGINAL GOT ME. I'M CONFUSED AS TO WHETHER YOU PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH OR STRAIGHT 94 00:11:46,272 --> 00:11:51,777 INTO YOUR PICK IF YOU. IT IS SUPPOSED TO IMPROVE THE SMELL AND TASTE OF YOUR PIKACHU AND THEN IT TASTE LIKE 95 00:11:51,777 --> 00:11:57,483 PINEAPPLE. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT IS EVEN POSSIBLE TO PUT A GUMMY -- I WOULDN'T EVEN WANT THAT FLAVOR. 96 00:11:57,483 --> 00:12:03,089 I WOULD WANT TO LIKE ARCTIC BLAST. YOU KNOW? MINTY FRESH. 97 00:12:03,089 --> 00:12:07,693 Chelsea: A SURPRISE FOR PEOPLE. HERE IS MY ISSUE. BUT IF YOU LIKE THE ORIGINAL 98 00:12:07,693 --> 00:12:11,330 TASTE? INSTEAD OF A GUMMY THAT MAKES YOUR [BLEEP] TASTE LIKE PINEAPPLE, I WANT TO SEASONING 99 00:12:11,330 --> 00:12:16,168 THAT MAKES MY SALAD TASTE LIKE [BLEEP]! [APPLAUSE] Chelsea: I HEAR YOU. 100 00:12:16,168 --> 00:12:21,707 I AM SICK OF PRODUCTS LIKE THIS. JUST COME HOLD YOUR NOSE AND GO DOWN ON ME. 101 00:12:21,707 --> 00:12:27,513 JUST SHUT UP. GROW UP. Chelsea: ALSO, JUST A REGULAR SHOWER WILL DO IT MOST 102 00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:31,517 OF THE TIME. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? YOU DON'T HAVE TO GET FANCY WITH IT. 103 00:12:31,517 --> 00:12:36,622 [LAUGHTER] I THINK I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT IS LIKE, I NEED THIS. [LAUGHTER] 104 00:12:36,622 --> 00:12:44,663 OKAY. SO THEY KNOW THIS, IT MAKES IT TASTE BETTER -- CAN YOU IMAGINE, THERE WAS A TASTE TESTER. 105 00:12:44,663 --> 00:12:53,472 THE PERSON OUT THERE BEING LIKE, NO, MORE VITAMINS C! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT. 106 00:12:53,472 --> 00:12:58,711 THE LINE OUTSIDE FOR THAT JOB IT, LET ME TELL YOU. NOT THAT LONG. [LAUGHTER] 107 00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:04,550 YOU ALSO HAVE TO CHECK BACK IN, LIKE TRAVIS SCOTT, HOW TO CHECK FOR TRAVIS -- WHAT'S HIS NAME? 108 00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:09,922 BARKER, HAVE TO CHECK IN AND SEE IF IT WORKS FOR 6 TO EIGHT WEEKS, SEE WHAT HE SAYS ABOUT. Chelsea: HE SEEMS LIKE HE 109 00:13:09,922 --> 00:13:15,294 SO IN LOVE WITH HER, HE DOESN'T CARE WHAT KIND OF SMELL OR TASTE IT COMING OUT OF ANY ORIFICE. [LAUGHTER] 110 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:20,833 THOSE TWO ARE INSIDE OF EACH OTHER EVERY TIME YOU SEE THEM. THEY WILL COME OUT WITH A DAVE'S HOT CHICKEN VERSION OF 111 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:25,337 IT. [LAUGHTER] I ALSO ALREADY EAT MY YOGURT WITH FRUIT, SO THIS TIME, THIS 112 00:13:25,337 --> 00:13:29,475 WHOLE TIME I COULD HAVE BEEN DOING IT ON THE OTHER END. [LAUGHTER] YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 113 00:13:29,475 --> 00:13:35,347 I HAVE BEEN DOING IT FOR FREE, KOURTNEY. Chelsea: WHITNEY HOUSTON IS RELEASING A NEW ALBUM. 114 00:13:35,347 --> 00:13:40,052 I AM BY THIS. THIS KEEPS HAPPENING. TUPAC DID THIS, HE STARTED THIS TREND. 115 00:13:40,052 --> 00:13:44,823 PEOPLE RELEASING ALBUMS AFTER THEY DIE. I THINK BEETHOVEN IS RELIEVING SOMETHING NEXT WEEK 116 00:13:44,823 --> 00:13:47,960 TOO. [LAUGHTER] Chelsea: I THOUGHT ABBA WAS RELEASING SOMETHING BECAUSE THEY 117 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:53,532 WERE NOMINATED FOR THE GRAMMY AND I WAS LIKE, ABBA? I THOUGHT THEY HAD CROSSED OVER AS WELL. 118 00:13:53,532 --> 00:13:58,704 I DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THEY WERE STILL ALIVE AND WELL. ARE YOU A MEDIUM? [LAUGHTER] 119 00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:04,009 ARE YOU TERESA CAVUTO? [LAUGHTER] HEARING THEM FROM THE OTHER SIDE. 120 00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:09,882 THOUGHT THEY HAD PASSED ON. Chelsea: IT'S A GOSPEL ALBUM WITH SIX PREVIOUSLY UNRELEASED SONG SO IT WILL BE 121 00:14:09,882 --> 00:14:16,288 NEW MATERIAL. AGAIN, VERY SURPRISING. IT IS CALLED "GO TO THE ROCKS" AND I WAS LIKE THEM 122 00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:26,932 HONESTLY, I WAS READY FOR HER PE CUBBYHOLE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ONE OF THE SONGS SOUND LIKE A 123 00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:40,112 LESBIAN PRIDE SONG, IS CALLED "HOLD ON, HELP IS ON THE WAY," WHICH IS A STORY ABOUT A LESBIAN HELPING A GAY MAN KILL A SPIDER. 124 00:14:40,112 --> 00:14:44,917 IT IS ABOUT HUNTER BIDEN'S LAPTOP. [LAUGHTER] Chelsea: THE JAPANESE ZOO, 125 00:14:44,917 --> 00:14:51,190 THEY FIGURED OUT THAT A FEMALE MONKEY GOT PREGNANT DESPITE BEING SEPARATED FROM ALL THE MALE MONKEYS. 126 00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:58,831 SO WHEN HE INVESTIGATED THE SITUATION, THEY FOUND A HOLE IN THE WALL. AND SO THIS IS THE FIRST EVER 127 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:05,204 MONKEY GLORY HOLE, I GUESS. YEAH. AND NOW THE COUPLE IS LIVING TOGETHER AND THEY WILL RAISE THE 128 00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:10,843 BABY WHEN THEY HAVE THE BABY. THAT IS WHERE THEY MESSED UP, THAT IS WHERE THEY MESSED UP BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE SHE SHOULD 129 00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:16,148 BE SO LUCKY. WE SHOULD ALL BE SO LUCKY. MOST OF US HAS TO GET PREGNANT WATCHING A MAN [BLEEP]. 130 00:15:16,148 --> 00:15:25,658 [LAUGHTER] UNLESS SHE GOT PREGNANT IN THE ROOM BY HERSELF, I'M LIKE HIM I PROMISE YOU, NICK CANNON 131 00:15:25,658 --> 00:15:30,396 VISITED THAT ZOO. [LAUGHTER] ANYTHING WITH ANYONE WITH A UTERUS WITHIN 100 SQUARE YARDS 132 00:15:30,396 --> 00:15:38,237 OF NICK CANNON WILL GET PREGNANT, I PROMISE YOU. Chelsea: EVERY UNWANTED PREGNANCY SHOULD BE BLAMED ON 133 00:15:38,237 --> 00:15:42,641 NICK CANNON. I THINK THESE MONKEYS SOUND FUN. SO IN CONFINEMENT, THEY FOUND A 134 00:15:42,641 --> 00:15:49,181 HOLE? I HEARD THE OTHER MONKEY WAS A DIFFERENT KIND OF MONKEY TOO. INTERRACIAL MONKEY PORN. 135 00:15:49,181 --> 00:15:54,720 INTERRACIAL LOVE, AREN'T WE FOR IT? [LAUGHTER] Chelsea: THANK YOU, GUYS, 136 00:15:54,720 --> 00:15:59,091 FOR BEING HERE. SO MUCH! THANK YOU! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 137 00:15:59,091 --> 00:16:02,161 STAY TUNED BECAUSE WHEN WE COME BACK, LEA MICHELE WILL BE 138 00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:35,761 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Chelsea: WELCOME BACK TO "THE DAILY SHOW." 139 00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:40,199 MY GUEST TONIGHT IS AN EMMY AND GRAMMY NOMINATED ACTOR AND SINGER IN THE BROADWAY REVIVAL OF 140 00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:45,538 "FUNNY GIRL," WHICH IS BREAKING BOX OFFICE RECORDS AND THE CAST ALBUM LANDED AT NUMBER ONE ON THE BILLBOARD CHARTS. 141 00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:58,818 ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ Chelsea: PLEASE WELCOME LEA MICHELE! 142 00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:17,303 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ♪ ♪ HI! I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. 143 00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:22,641 THIS IS SO COOL. YOU ARE JUST NAILING IT. YOU ARE SO GOOD. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 144 00:17:22,641 --> 00:17:29,849 Chelsea: OH, THANK YOU! THANK YOU. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE SEEN "FUNNY GIRL"? 145 00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:35,521 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OKAY, WELL, NOT ENOUGH. YOU ALL NEED TO SEE THIS PLAY. I WENT TO YOUR PLAY LAST NIGHT 146 00:17:35,521 --> 00:17:41,460 AND I HAVE TO SAY, IT WAS ONE OF THOSE CLASSIC BROADWAY EXPERIENCES THAT I HAVEN'T HAD IN A FEW YEARS. 147 00:17:41,460 --> 00:17:47,132 YOU ARE INCREDIBLE. THANK YOU! Chelsea: THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO ARE FAMOUS, BUT YOU 148 00:17:47,132 --> 00:17:52,371 ARE REALLY, REALLY TALENTED. I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT. IT'S HARD WORK. Chelsea: WELL, OBVIOUSLY, 149 00:17:52,371 --> 00:17:57,042 IT'S HARD WORK BUT IT TAKES A LOT OF TALENT TO EVEN EXECUTE THAT. THERE IS DANCING, THEY ARE 150 00:17:57,042 --> 00:18:01,914 SINGING, YOU ARE FUNNY, IT'S A COMEDY. I WAS SO NERVOUS BECAUSE I HEARD YOU MIGHT BE THERE AND I 151 00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:09,788 SAW YOU AND I WAS LIKE, ANYONE WHO IS SO FUNNY AND SO GIFTED IN A WAY THAT YOU ARE, LIKE, YOU AND CHRIS ROCK ARE THE TWO 152 00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:14,960 PEOPLE I WAS THE MOST NERVOUS HAVING IN THE AUDIENCE. Chelsea: THAT IS SWEET I GUESS. 153 00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:21,100 [LAUGHTER] I MEAN, I HAVE TO TELL YOU, WHEN I GOT UP DURING INTERMISSION, I WENT TO GO GET A DIET COKE AND 154 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:27,740 EVERYONE WAS COMING UP TO ME. LIKE, EVERY GAY PERSON IN A THEATER WAS COMING UP TO ME TO TELL ME HOW AMAZING. 155 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:34,813 THEY WERE LIKE, CAN YOU BELIEVE IT, HOW AMAZING IS SHE? I'M LIKE, I'M NOT HER MOTHER. EVERYONE, SEND ALL OF YOUR 156 00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:41,353 COMMENTS AND CONCERNS AND EVERYTHING TO CHELSEA. SHE SPEAKS FOR ME NOW. Chelsea: YES, DM SPACE BACK 157 00:18:41,353 --> 00:18:46,759 ME. AM ELLEN DeGENERES. SO I KNOW THAT YOU CAME INTO THIS PLAY WHILE IT WAS ALREADY 158 00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:53,399 UP AND RUNNING SO I HAVE TO KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK YOU TO PREPARE FOR THIS. I MEAN, THE SCHEDULE MUST BE -- 159 00:18:53,399 --> 00:19:00,005 IT IS AN UNBELIEVABLE SCHEDULE, AND ANYBODY WORKING -- ANYBODY ON BROADWAY IS WORKING SO INCREDIBLY HARD. 160 00:19:00,005 --> 00:19:06,011 EIGHT SHOWS A WEEK, I DO SEVEN SHOWS A WEEK. I HAD I THINK SOMETHING LIKE SIX WEEKS TO LEARN EVERYTHING. 161 00:19:06,011 --> 00:19:13,485 IT'S ABOUT 15 SONGS, 22 COSTUME CHANGES, SOMETHING LIKE SEVEN TO TEN WIG CHANGES. IT IS A LOT. 162 00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:21,794 AND MADE MY REHEARSAL PROCESS, I WAS TOLD THAT I HAD TO START SOONER THAN I THOUGHT. AND SO IT WAS A REALLY INTENSE 163 00:19:21,794 --> 00:19:26,699 EXPERIENCE, BUT I DID FEEL AS PREPARED AS A CODE FOR MY FIRST NIGHT. I JUST WANTED TO MAKE ALL THE 164 00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:33,505 QUICK CHANGES HAPPEN AND NOT WALK ON STAGE TO BE 35. Chelsea: IT IS SO MUCH FUN TO WATCH. 165 00:19:33,505 --> 00:19:38,344 I WAS SITTING THERE WITH MY KNEES ON ONE SIDE AND ANOTHER FRIEND ON THE OTHER SIDE AND I WAS SMILING SO HARD, LIKE, MY 166 00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:44,016 CHEEKS WERE LIKE I WAS ON ECSTASY OR SOMETHING. OH, GOOD! Chelsea: OH, MY GOD, IT IS 167 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:49,989 SO JOYOUS, YOU GOT SOMEBODY STANDING OVATIONS IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR SONGS. THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL TO SEE FOR 168 00:19:49,989 --> 00:19:54,626 A PERFORMER. IT IS BY FAR THE MOST INCREDIBLE EXPERIENCE I HAVE HAD AS A PERFORMER ON STAGE IN A 169 00:19:54,626 --> 00:19:58,130 WORK ENVIRONMENT. MY MAPPING TRULY THE TIME OF MY LIFE. Chelsea: THAT'S NICE. 170 00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:04,303 LAST TIME I SAW YOU -- HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A FEW YEARS. THE LAST TIME, SINCE I HAVE SEEN YOU LAST, YOU'VE GOTTEN MARRIED 171 00:20:04,303 --> 00:20:14,046 AND HAD A BABY. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE A HUSBAND LEAVING MY SON, HE WAS JUST TWO WHEN I STARTED THE SHOW, AND IT 172 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:21,120 IS HARD FOR ANY PARENT GOING TO WORK, BUT I LITERALLY WENT FROM BEING HOME EVERY SINGLE DAY TO GOING TO WORK AND BEING AT 173 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:26,725 WORK ALL THE TIME, AND IT IS TOUGH, BUT THERE IS SOMETHING ALSO SO AMAZING ABOUT COMING HOME AND HAVING THAT FAMILY LIFE 174 00:20:26,725 --> 00:20:31,697 THAT I NEVER HAD WHILE I WAS WORKING. IT IS GROUNDING AND I'M SO GRATEFUL FOR IT. 175 00:20:31,697 --> 00:20:36,301 Chelsea: THAT'S GREAT BECAUSE I WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT THAT FEELING IS. Chelsea: COME ON! 176 00:20:36,301 --> 00:20:41,540 INTENTIONALLY. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT IT, COME TO THE CITY. Chelsea: I'VE NEVER LIVED 177 00:20:41,540 --> 00:20:51,383 IN THE CITY. THE VIBE HERE IS GOOD. TRUST ME WHEN GOOD HERE, GUYS. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 178 00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:56,055 Chelsea: SO TELL ME, HOW IS A CHANGE. YOU HAVE DONE SO MANY BROADWAY PLAYS WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER, 179 00:20:56,055 --> 00:21:01,760 RIGHT? THAT IS KIND OF HOW YOU GOT DISCOVERED? I DID MY FIRST BROADWAY SHOW 180 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:07,332 WHEN I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD, TOTALLY UNPLANNED, JUST WALKED INTO IT, CONTINUED WORKING UNTIL I WAS 23. 181 00:21:07,332 --> 00:21:13,072 THEN I LEFT TO GO TO L.A. AND I DID "GLEE" AND OTHER TV SHOWS AND I NEVER REALLY PLANNED ON COMING BACK TO NEW YORK AND THAT 182 00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:18,510 IT WAS THE PANDEMIC THAT BROUGHT US HOME BECAUSE IT IS WHERE OUR FAMILIES ARE AND YEAH, I AM BACK ON BROADWAY AFTER 15 YEARS AND 183 00:21:18,510 --> 00:21:25,951 IT IS WILD, HAVING BEEN GONE FOR SO LONG AND JUMPING BACK INTO THIS SCHEDULE AND WHEN YOU ARE DOING TELEVISION, YOU ARE DOING 184 00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:31,924 NEW MATERIAL EVERY DAY, IT'S A NEW SCRIPT, A NEW STORY LINE. THIS IS THE SAME THING EVERY DAY AND THERE IS SOMETHING, AS AN 185 00:21:31,924 --> 00:21:36,028 ARTIST, THAT IS REALLY EXCITING ABOUT THAT. HOW DO YOU MAKE THAT'S NEW AND HOW DO YOU BRING YOUR OWN 186 00:21:36,028 --> 00:21:41,767 EXCITEMENT TO IT EVERY NIGHT? Chelsea: HOW DO YOU? [LAUGHS] IT REALLY DEPENDS ON HOW I AM 187 00:21:41,767 --> 00:21:45,971 FEELING. I WILL HAVE A DAY WHERE I AM IN A REALLY UPBEAT MOOD AND I LEAN INTO THE HUMOR AND THAT REALLY 188 00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:53,545 IS WHAT GIVES ME THE ENERGY AND THEN THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I NEED TO KIND OF WORK SOME STUFF OUT AND THAT IS WHEN I LEAN INTO 189 00:21:53,545 --> 00:21:57,983 MORE OF THE EMOTION AND THE DRAMA. Chelsea: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO YOURSELF? 190 00:21:57,983 --> 00:22:02,087 WHAT IS A PERSON SAY BEFORE YOU WALK OUT INTO A THEATER THAT FOR? HOW TO PERFORM? 191 00:22:02,087 --> 00:22:08,494 DON'T [BLEEP] UP. [LAUGHTER] DEAR GOD, PLEASE, GOD, YOU SHOULD SEE ME FOR THE SHOW, I AM 192 00:22:08,494 --> 00:22:12,764 PRAYING. I'M LIKE, OH, MY GOD. BUT IF THERE IS A SHOW TO [BLEEP] UP -- 193 00:22:12,764 --> 00:22:17,202 CAN YOU SAY THAT? Chelsea: I DON'T SEE WHY NOT. IF THERE IS A SHOW TO MESS 194 00:22:17,202 --> 00:22:24,576 UP, THIS IS THE ONE, BECAUSE IT IS LIKE -- I FEEL SO COMFORTABLE TURNING TO THE AUDIENCE AND JUST BEING LIKE, WELL, HERE WE GO, 195 00:22:24,576 --> 00:22:31,116 THAT DIDN'T WORK OUT, LET'S TRY IT AGAIN FROM THE TOP. BUT THERE IS NOTHING LIKE IT, THERE IS NOTHING LIKE LIVE 196 00:22:31,116 --> 00:22:37,289 THEATER, AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH. IT IS AN HONEST DREAM COME TRUE THAT SO MANY PEOPLE HAVE KNOWN THAT I HAVE REALLY WAITED SO 197 00:22:37,289 --> 00:22:45,063 LONG TO PLAY THIS PART, AND THE FACT THAT I AM DOING IT, I STILL, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, I AM LIKE, I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM 198 00:22:45,063 --> 00:22:52,571 DOING THIS. AND PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING IT AND IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE CAST OF INCREDIBLE, HARDWORKING ACTORS 199 00:22:52,571 --> 00:22:59,178 AND PERFORMERS, AND WE REALLY HAVE FUN IN THE MIDST OF DOING WHAT IS A VERY CHALLENGING JOB, AND MAKING AN ALBUM IN THE MIDST 200 00:22:59,178 --> 00:23:05,651 OF ALSO DOING ALL OF OUR SHOWS AND HAVING IT DO SO WELL IS JUST ANOTHER GREAT GIFT. Chelsea: YEAH. 201 00:23:05,651 --> 00:23:11,890 GOOD FOR YOU. EVERYONE NEEDS TO GO SEE "FUNNY GIRL," JUST PLAYING OUT ON BROADWAY AT THE AUGUST WILSON 202 00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:14,726 THEATRE. AND WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK AND TAKE A QUICK BREAK. 203 00:23:21,534 --> 00:23:46,392 ♪ ♪ [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Chelsea: THAT'S OUR SHOW FOR TONIGHT. 204 00:23:46,392 --> 00:23:53,132 IT HAS BEEN AN ABSOLUTE HONOR TO BE THE FIRST JEWISH FEMALE HOST OF "THE DAILY SHOW"! BUT NOW IT IS TIME FOR SOMETHING 205 00:23:53,132 --> 00:23:57,970 A LITTLE DIFFERENT. SARAH SILVERMAN WILL BE HERE NEXT WEEK. AND IF YOU WANT TO CATCH MORE OF 206 00:23:57,970 --> 00:24:03,842 ME, I HAVE A NEW NETFLIX SPECIAL CALLED "REVOLUTION" THAT IS STREAMING NOW AND I AM GOING TO TO HER AND COMING TO A CITY NEAR 207 00:24:03,842 --> 00:24:08,580 YOU. CHECK THE LINK BELOW FOR YOUR DATES. HERE IT IS, YOUR 208 00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:13,819 "MOMENT OF ZEN." REDUCING DRUG SPENDING IS NOT CUTTING BENEFITS TO MEDICARE. OKAY. 209 00:24:13,819 --> 00:24:19,392 LET ME JUST READ YOU SOMETHING. ONLY DRUG COMPANIES WOULD SAY, SAVING PEOPLE MONEY IS A BAD THING.