1 00:00:05,205 --> 00:00:07,138 ( screams ) 2 00:00:08,275 --> 00:00:09,875 ( screams ) 3 00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,877 ( screams ) 4 00:00:15,049 --> 00:00:18,216 - GOOD MORNING, DR. ALBRIGHT. - OH, NINA, CALL THE FLORIST 5 00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:19,952 AND TELL THEM NO CARNATIONS. 6 00:00:19,954 --> 00:00:22,220 I WANT THOSE FLOWERS THAT LOOK LIKE BIRD'S HEADS 7 00:00:22,222 --> 00:00:24,856 WITH A STICK STUCK IN ITS EYE. YOU KNOW, THE GOOD ONES? 8 00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,759 - WHAT'S GOING ON? - SHE'S HAVING SOME BIG AFFAIR. 9 00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:29,761 ( grunts ) YOU TRAMP! 10 00:00:29,763 --> 00:00:31,429 OH! 11 00:00:31,431 --> 00:00:33,165 DICK, IT'S A CATERED AFFAIR. 12 00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:35,867 YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME AND YOUR DIET?! 13 00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:39,571 NO, THE NORTH RUTHERFORD COUNTRY CLUB 14 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,640 IS PLANNING ITS CHARITY AUCTION AND I VOLUNTEERED MY HOUSE. 15 00:00:42,642 --> 00:00:44,009 I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE IN A CLUB. 16 00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:46,979 THEY HAVEN'T ASKED ME TO JOIN, NOT YET. 17 00:00:46,981 --> 00:00:48,981 THEY HAVE THE MOST WONDERFUL HEALTH SPA. 18 00:00:48,983 --> 00:00:52,985 NOT TO MENTION POOL, TENNIS, GOLF, SPA CUISINE. 19 00:00:52,987 --> 00:00:55,287 - NOT THAT THAT'S IMPORTANT. - OH, NO. 20 00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:57,956 - I'M DOING THIS FOR CHARITY. - OH, WHAT CHARITY? 21 00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:00,625 OH, SOMETHING FOR KIDS. ORPHANS, I THINK. 22 00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:02,628 I'VE GOT SO MUCH TO DO! 23 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:04,362 I HOPE I HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING OUT! 24 00:01:04,364 --> 00:01:06,364 WELL, LET'S SEE. YOU'VE KISSED BUTT, 25 00:01:06,366 --> 00:01:08,366 SUCKED UP, FAWNED OVER AND STROKED THEM. 26 00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:11,236 A LITTLE WINE AND CHEESE AND IT'S PARTY TIME. 27 00:01:11,238 --> 00:01:13,238 - WHERE'S MY GUEST LIST? - ON MY DESK. 28 00:01:13,240 --> 00:01:15,073 OH, I'LL GO GET IT. 29 00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:20,244 - WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER? - SHE' CLIMBING THE SOCIAL LADDER. 30 00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:21,913 THE WHAT? 31 00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:24,849 I'M SORRY, NINA, I DON'T UNDERSTAND EBONICS. 32 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:30,055 NO, YOU KNOW, YOU TRY TO FIT IN WITH A GROUP OF PEOPLE 33 00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:32,790 BY PRETENDING YOU'RE JUST LIKE THEM. YOU TALK LIKE THEM, 34 00:01:32,792 --> 00:01:35,360 YOU ACT LIKE THEM UNTIL THEY THINK YOU'RE ONE OF THEM. 35 00:01:35,362 --> 00:01:38,363 - YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE. - NO! NO, I DON'T! 36 00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:41,799 AND NEITHER DOES TOMMY, SALLY AND HARRY! NO, WE'RE NOT SOCIAL CLIMBERS! 37 00:01:41,801 --> 00:01:44,202 - WE'RE HUMANS! - OH, I'VE INVITED SO MANY PEOPLE, 38 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,438 - I HOPE MY PLACE IS BIG ENOUGH. - I HAVE AN IDEA. 39 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:51,309 - WHY DON'T YOU HAVE YOUR MEETING AT MY PLACE? - YOUR PLACE? AH, WELL. 40 00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:53,311 SEE, DICK, MOST OF THE PEOPLE 41 00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:55,313 ARE COMING FROM NORTH RUTHERFORD 42 00:01:55,315 --> 00:01:56,814 AND YOUR PLACE IS... 43 00:01:56,816 --> 00:01:59,117 ALL THE WAY OVER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN. 44 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:01,053 BUT THE BUSES RUN UNTIL 9:00. 45 00:02:02,489 --> 00:02:05,289 WHAT SHE MEANS IS YOU LIVE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS. 46 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,359 THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING... OUT LOUD. 47 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:11,196 - WHAT? - WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I'VE TRIED SO HARD TO GET 48 00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:13,932 THESE PEOPLE TO ACCEPT ME THAT I DON'T WANT TO INVITE THEM 49 00:02:13,934 --> 00:02:15,934 TO MY BOYFRIEND'S ATTIC WITH HIS... 50 00:02:15,936 --> 00:02:18,270 UNUSUAL BROTHER AND... 51 00:02:18,272 --> 00:02:21,273 ANGRY AMAZON SISTER IN... 52 00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:24,442 THE HEART OF THE MEAT PACKING DISTRICT. NO OFFENSE. 53 00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:27,379 - NO, NONE TAKEN. - OR UNDERSTOOD. 54 00:02:28,949 --> 00:02:31,116 ( '50s rock music playing ) 55 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:03,682 - ( all gasp ) - OH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT. 56 00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:07,318 THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE SPORT. THESE GUYS MUST BE THE BEST ATHLETES ON EARTH! 57 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:10,956 WELL, THEY DON'T CALL IT PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING FOR NOTHING. 58 00:03:10,958 --> 00:03:12,891 - ( all gasp ) - ( crowd cheering on TV ) 59 00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:15,894 TURN OFF THE TV! 60 00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:17,896 BUT DICK, IT'S YOUR FAVORITE! 61 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:21,399 "THE GRAVE DIGGER!" 62 00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:23,902 I DON'T CARE WHO IT IS. WE'RE NOT-- 63 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:27,372 - OH LOOK, HE'S GOT A NEW SHOVEL. - ( all agree ) 64 00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:30,041 DO YOU THINK WE LIVE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS? 65 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:32,878 WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THE TRACKS ARE RIGHT OVER THERE. 66 00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:35,647 YEAH, IF WE LIVED ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THEM, WE'D HAVE TO WAIT 67 00:03:35,649 --> 00:03:38,283 FOR THE TRAIN TO PASS EVERY TIME WE WENT TO THE LIQUOR STORE. 68 00:03:38,285 --> 00:03:42,421 - ( door shuts ) - HI, DID I MISS THE GRUDGE MATCH? 69 00:03:42,423 --> 00:03:45,923 MRS. DUBCEK, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO NORTH RUTHERFORD? 70 00:03:45,925 --> 00:03:47,592 NORTH RUTHERFORD, SURE. 71 00:03:47,594 --> 00:03:50,761 I ONCE HAD A FLING WITH A POOL BOY UP THERE. 72 00:03:50,763 --> 00:03:53,531 LOVELY CABANA, VERY NICE. 73 00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:55,400 WHAT'S SO SPECIAL ABOUT IT? 74 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:57,869 IT'S A VERY DIFFERENT CLASS OF PEOPLE THERE. 75 00:03:57,871 --> 00:04:01,573 - DIFFERENT CLASS? - YOU MEAN, NOT HOMO SAPIENS? 76 00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,575 OH NO, THEY HAVE THEIR "ARTSY" TYPES TOO, 77 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,343 BUT THEY'RE VERY DISCREET. 78 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:12,284 HEY, SOLOMON. 79 00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:15,219 HEY, ELMAN, ROMANO. HOW'S IT GOING, GUYS? 80 00:04:15,221 --> 00:04:17,856 - YOU ARE DEAD, SOLOMON! - WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? 81 00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:20,492 YOU BUST OUT LAUGHING IN MATH CLASS ANY TIME WE SAY ANYTHING! 82 00:04:20,494 --> 00:04:23,628 YEAH, BUT GUYS, ONLY THE REALLY STUPID STUFF. 83 00:04:23,630 --> 00:04:25,463 - GET HIM! - WAIT! 84 00:04:25,465 --> 00:04:26,798 IF I HAD KNOWN IT BOTHERED YOU GUYS-- 85 00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:28,399 BELIEVE ME, I WON'T DO IT AGAIN! 86 00:04:28,401 --> 00:04:31,369 - ( locker rattles ) - Tommy: HELLO? 87 00:04:31,371 --> 00:04:34,306 ANYBODY OUT THERE? THIS IS NOT FUNNY-- 88 00:04:37,811 --> 00:04:39,810 - HI. - ARE YOU OKAY? 89 00:04:39,812 --> 00:04:42,013 OH, YEAH, I'M FINE. HOW ARE YOU? 90 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:45,149 HEY, DON'T LET THOSE GUYS BOTHER YOU. THEY'RE JUST HAVING FUN. 91 00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:46,718 OH, YEAH, I KNOW. 92 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:51,289 WE HAD A FEW LAUGHS LAST WEEK WHEN THEY "PANTSED" ME IN THE CAFETERIA. 93 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,158 - I'M LORNA. - OH YEAH, I KNOW. 94 00:04:53,160 --> 00:04:55,994 - YOU WERE IN MY MATH CLASS LAST YEAR. - OH, RIGHT. 95 00:04:55,996 --> 00:04:59,831 - WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU? - I PASSED. 96 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,834 ( school bell rings ) 97 00:05:02,836 --> 00:05:05,003 YOU KNOW, LORNA... 98 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:08,172 - I REALIZED SOMETHING SITTING IN THAT LOCKER. - WHAT WAS THAT? 99 00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:11,409 I REALLY SHOULD WASH MY GYM SHORTS MORE OFTEN. 100 00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:12,911 WHAT'S THAT? 101 00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:16,514 OH, NOTHING, IT WAS SOME STUPID POETRY I WROTE. 102 00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:18,516 CAN I READ IT? 103 00:05:18,518 --> 00:05:21,519 - IT'S NOT VERY GOOD. - OH, COME ON, COME ON. 104 00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:24,221 WHATEVER. 105 00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:28,026 "LAST NIGHT, DEATH SIGNED MY YEARBOOK. 106 00:05:28,028 --> 00:05:30,695 'HAVE A GOOD SUMMER'' HE WROTE. 107 00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:32,530 'SEE YOU NEXT YEAR'' 108 00:05:32,532 --> 00:05:35,700 AND THEN I REALIZED IT WASN'T MY YEARBOOK HE SIGNED. 109 00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:37,635 IT WAS MY TOMBSTONE." 110 00:05:39,539 --> 00:05:42,540 - WHAT DO YOU THINK? - I LIKED IT. 111 00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:45,376 ESPECIALLY THE SURPRISE ENDING THERE. 112 00:05:45,378 --> 00:05:48,246 YOU ARE THE FIRST ONE TO GET THE IRONY. 113 00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,384 WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE ONE ON THE BACK? 114 00:05:52,386 --> 00:05:53,885 AH. 115 00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:57,556 "DEATH SENT ME AN E-MAIL." 116 00:05:57,558 --> 00:06:00,391 THERE'S A MOTIF HERE, RIGHT? 117 00:06:00,393 --> 00:06:02,260 - YEAH. - AH. 118 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:10,601 MR. AND MRS. ST. CLAIR, SO GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. 119 00:06:10,603 --> 00:06:12,804 WE'VE MET BEFORE? 120 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:15,573 WELL, YES, SEVERAL TIMES. 121 00:06:15,575 --> 00:06:18,276 WE WERE TRAPPED IN AN ELEVATOR FOR SIX HOURS. 122 00:06:20,346 --> 00:06:22,214 DOESN'T RING A BELL. 123 00:06:22,216 --> 00:06:24,415 I-- PRIED OPEN THE ROOF 124 00:06:24,417 --> 00:06:27,018 AND CLIMBED TWO STORIES TO GET HELP. 125 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:28,853 OH, YES! 126 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:30,855 SHE HAD ON THOSE AWFUL LEATHERETTE BOOTS. 127 00:06:30,857 --> 00:06:32,457 HMM. 128 00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:34,392 ( doorbell rings ) 129 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:40,265 HELLO, MARY! I BROUGHT YOU A BOX OF WINE. 130 00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:42,433 ( laughs ) 131 00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:46,170 - I DON'T DRINK THAT. - WELL, THEN WHY DO YOU KEEP RUNNING OUT OF IT? 132 00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,873 GIVE ME THE DAMN BOX. 133 00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:50,675 I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF MERLOT. 134 00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:53,612 AND I'LL HAVE A NICE HAWAIIAN PUNCH. 135 00:06:55,949 --> 00:06:58,015 DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET-- EDGAR ST. CLAIR. 136 00:06:58,017 --> 00:07:00,985 DON'T BELIEVE WE'VE MET EDGAR ALLEN POE. 137 00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:02,954 BUT, UM... 138 00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,856 BUT I'M DICK SOLOMON. 139 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:06,924 AND WHAT DO YOU DO, MR. SOLOMON? 140 00:07:06,926 --> 00:07:08,927 ( stammers ) I'M IN... 141 00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:11,295 ( using accent ) PHYSICS... 142 00:07:11,297 --> 00:07:12,897 MR. ST. CLAIR. 143 00:07:12,899 --> 00:07:14,633 PHYSICS, EH? 144 00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:17,368 YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT IF I HADN'T GONE INTO BUSINESS, 145 00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:19,637 - I'D HAVE DONE SOMETHING IN PHYSICS. - YES... 146 00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:22,307 AND IF YOU HAD WHEELS, YOU'D BE A BUS. 147 00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:25,310 ( both chuckle ) 148 00:07:25,312 --> 00:07:28,779 - ACTUALLY, I OWN SEVERAL BUS LINES. - REALLY? 149 00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,782 THEN ALL YOU NEED IS THE CHASSIS. 150 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,717 ( both chuckling ) 151 00:07:35,488 --> 00:07:37,488 HOW'S EVERYTHING HERE? 152 00:07:37,490 --> 00:07:39,757 PERFECT, THANK YOU, MARY. 153 00:07:39,759 --> 00:07:42,393 NO... THANK YOU FOR COMING. 154 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:45,497 - IT'S MY PLEASURE. - OH, NO... 155 00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:47,765 IT'S MY PLEASURE TO HAVE YOU HERE. 156 00:07:51,672 --> 00:07:53,605 THANK YOU AGAIN. 157 00:07:56,175 --> 00:07:59,343 - SO SAD. - YES, SHE'S TRYING SO HARD 158 00:07:59,345 --> 00:08:01,345 YOU CAN ALMOST SMELL THE DESPERATION. 159 00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:04,182 OH, NO, I THINK THAT'S HER DOG. 160 00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,687 YOU ARE A TICKET. 161 00:08:09,689 --> 00:08:11,356 SAY, YOU MUST COME BY THE CLUB. 162 00:08:11,358 --> 00:08:13,357 THE BOYS SHOULD MEET YOU. IT'LL BE A KICK. 163 00:08:13,359 --> 00:08:15,860 OH, GOOD. CAN I KICK BACK? 164 00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:17,796 ( both chuckle ) 165 00:08:19,532 --> 00:08:21,866 OH, HI, LORNA. UH, BYE, LORNA. 166 00:08:21,868 --> 00:08:24,769 - BACK FOR MORE, GENIUS? - YOU'RE DEAD, EINSTEIN. 167 00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:28,606 WILL YOU GUYS STOP? YOU JUST WANT TO BEAT HIM UP BECAUSE HE'S SMART. 168 00:08:28,608 --> 00:08:30,608 SO? 169 00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:32,610 UH, NOW WAIT A MINUTE, GUYS, SHE'S RIGHT. 170 00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:34,946 IF I'M SMART AND YOU GUYS ARE MORONS, 171 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:36,948 NOTHING PERSONAL... 172 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,718 WOULDN'T IT MAKE MORE SENSE FOR YOU TO USE MY INTELLIGENCE 173 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:42,721 TO YOUR ADVANTAGE? HUH? 174 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,723 HERE, LET ME USE A VISUAL AID. 175 00:08:44,725 --> 00:08:47,158 - TAKE THAT KID-- - OKAY. 176 00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:50,228 - THIS ONE? - UH, YEAH, YEAH. 177 00:08:50,230 --> 00:08:52,763 NOW SEE, YOU'D PROBABLY LIKE TO BEAT HIM UP, RIGHT? 178 00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:54,932 - DEFINITELY. - YEAH. 179 00:08:54,934 --> 00:08:57,035 BUT SEE, YOU SHOULDN'T BECAUSE HIS SISTER'S 180 00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,037 DATING THE THIRD FLOOR HALL MONITOR 181 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,772 AND IF YOU BEAT HIM UP, YOU'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DITCH CHEMISTRY. 182 00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:06,110 - WE DON'T TAKE CHEMISTRY. - NO. 183 00:09:07,580 --> 00:09:10,682 BUT NOW YOU CAN AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO GO. 184 00:09:12,585 --> 00:09:15,085 SEE? TOLD YOU HE WAS SMART. 185 00:09:15,087 --> 00:09:18,022 ( snickers ) WE DON'T HAVE TO TAKE CHEMISTRY. 186 00:09:21,093 --> 00:09:23,294 ( sighs ) 187 00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:35,039 SINGAPORE SAL, THE IRON MAIDEN, CIRCLES HER PREY. 188 00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:38,642 HER OPPONENT, HANDSOME HARRY, CIRCLES NERVOUSLY, 189 00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:40,645 HOPING TO AVOID 190 00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:42,647 YET ANOTHER SERIOUS INJURY. 191 00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:44,582 ( both grunting ) 192 00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,619 HOO-AH! 193 00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:56,727 YOU'RE GOOD. 194 00:09:57,797 --> 00:09:59,730 ( winded ) REAL GOOD. 195 00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:03,134 OH, WELL, HELLO, 196 00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:05,002 PAIR OF HOOLIGANS. 197 00:10:06,205 --> 00:10:07,972 - WHO'S THE DORK? - OH, 198 00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:10,808 HARRY SOLOMON, NICE TO MEET YOU. 199 00:10:10,810 --> 00:10:12,310 - COME ON, GUYS. - WHERE YOU GOING? 200 00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:14,011 - OUT ON THE ROOF. - WHAT'CHA GONNA DO? 201 00:10:14,013 --> 00:10:17,415 - BURN STUFF, THROW JUNK AT CARS. - HAVE A GOOD TIME. 202 00:10:19,986 --> 00:10:22,253 - HEY, HOW'S IT GO-- - ( both groan ) 203 00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:26,324 I LIKE HIS FRIENDS. NICE KIDS. 204 00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,259 I KNOW, ME TOO, SWEETIE. 205 00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:31,863 ( grunts ) 206 00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,609 WELL, IT STARTED IT. 207 00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:46,443 SO, HOW WAS YOUR PARTY? 208 00:10:46,445 --> 00:10:49,180 - DID YOU PLAY "PIN THE TAIL ON THE BENTLEY"? - NO, NO. 209 00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,783 MOSTLY WE JUST PLAYED "PIN THE CHEESE ON THE CRACKER." 210 00:10:51,785 --> 00:10:53,551 MMM... EXCITING PARTY, HUH? 211 00:10:53,553 --> 00:10:55,720 EXCITING? IT WAS AWFUL. 212 00:10:55,722 --> 00:10:57,789 I HAD A TWO-HOUR CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE 213 00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:00,791 ABOUT CORNISH GAY MEN. 214 00:11:00,793 --> 00:11:03,661 ARE YOU SURE IT WASN'T "CORNISH GAME HEN?" 215 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,997 THAT'S WHAT I SAID, "CORNISH GAY MEN." AREN'T YOU LISTENING? 216 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,699 OKAY. 217 00:11:08,701 --> 00:11:11,036 GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY. 218 00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:13,871 - WASN'T LAST NIGHT FUN? - ( chuckles ) 219 00:11:13,873 --> 00:11:16,440 HAVE YOU EVER MET A GROUP OF MORE INTERESTING PEOPLE? 220 00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,476 ( chuckles ) 221 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,711 - HERE, MR. ST. CLAIR CALLED. - OH. 222 00:11:20,713 --> 00:11:23,715 MR. ST. CLAIR CALLED. THAT'S SO EXCITING. WHAT DID HE SAY? 223 00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,984 - HE SAID TO CALL HIM BACK. - OH, ISN'T THAT SWEET? 224 00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:28,019 MR. ST. CLAIR WANTS ME TO CALL HIM BACK. 225 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,520 WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO? 226 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,622 - CALL HIM BACK. - OH RIGHT, RIGHT. 227 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:38,896 AH, YES, IS MR. ST. CLAIR IN? 228 00:11:38,898 --> 00:11:40,898 MR. ST. CLAIR, MARY ALBRIGHT. 229 00:11:40,900 --> 00:11:43,901 HI. WHAT? 230 00:11:43,903 --> 00:11:45,903 OH, I'D BE HONORED TO COME. 231 00:11:45,905 --> 00:11:48,973 WHO? DICK? 232 00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:52,443 WELL, SURE, I'LL BRING HIM. 233 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:55,446 YES, HE IS THAT. 234 00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:57,448 WELL, THANK YOU. 235 00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:58,582 NO, NO... 236 00:11:58,584 --> 00:12:01,018 THANK YOU. BYE. 237 00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:03,954 THIS IS SO EXCITING. THE ST. CLAIRS 238 00:12:03,956 --> 00:12:06,056 WANT TO INVITE US TO THEIR CLUB TOMORROW NIGHT. 239 00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,359 ( stammers ) TOMORROW? I CAN'T! 240 00:12:08,361 --> 00:12:10,161 WELL, WHY NOT? 241 00:12:10,163 --> 00:12:12,430 ( stammers ) WELL, FOR OPENERS, TOMORROW IS... 242 00:12:12,432 --> 00:12:14,699 SPAGHETTI AND WAFFLE NIGHT AND THE WHOLE FAMILY 243 00:12:14,701 --> 00:12:16,467 IS GOING MAD WITH ANTICIPATION. 244 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:17,735 CAN'T YOU CANCEL? 245 00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,671 WELL-- AND BREAK THEIR LITTLE HEARTS? 246 00:12:19,673 --> 00:12:23,341 NO, SALLY'S ALREADY MADE THE PESTO SYRUP. 247 00:12:23,343 --> 00:12:25,376 ( stammers ) SO... BRING THEM ALONG. 248 00:12:25,378 --> 00:12:27,378 OH, DICK, I REALLY WANT TO GO. 249 00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:30,415 - AND THEY REALLY WANT YOU TO BE THERE. - WHY? 250 00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:32,417 WELL, THEY LIKE YOU. THEY THINK YOU'RE FUN. 251 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,785 OH, PLEASE. FOR ME? 252 00:12:34,787 --> 00:12:37,154 ALL RIGHT. FINE, MARY. 253 00:12:37,156 --> 00:12:38,656 FOR YOU. 254 00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:41,826 OH, THANKS. I APPRECIATE IT. 255 00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:43,661 NO, IT'S OKAY. 256 00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:46,597 WE'RE HAVING SPAGHETTI AND WAFFLES TONIGHT, TOO. 257 00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:51,369 Both: HEY! 258 00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:54,305 HEY, TOMMY, I'M SORRY. IT WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT. 259 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,042 ALL RIGHT, KID. 260 00:12:58,044 --> 00:13:00,811 - YOU DON'T SWEAT IT. GET LOST NOW. - ( bell ringing ) 261 00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:03,548 - HEY, SOLOMON, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. - ALL RIGHT, MAN. 262 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:05,683 WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOING? 263 00:13:05,685 --> 00:13:08,052 - WE'RE GOING TO GO SET OFF THE FIRE ALARM. - Both: YEAH. 264 00:13:08,054 --> 00:13:10,654 - WHY? - WHY? 265 00:13:10,656 --> 00:13:12,423 'CAUSE THE ALARM'S GOING TO GO OFF AND THERE'S 266 00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:14,192 GOING TO BE KIDS RUNNING EVERYWHERE AND THEY'RE 267 00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:18,796 - GOING TO HAVE TO EVACUATE THE WHOLE BUILDING. - YEAH, BRO. 268 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:22,499 ( stammers ) IT MADE MORE SENSE THE FIRST TIME HE EXPLAINED IT. 269 00:13:22,501 --> 00:13:25,436 - Boy: YO, SOLOMON! - YO, WHAT'S UP? 270 00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:32,276 NO, THAT'S NOT IT. 271 00:13:32,278 --> 00:13:33,778 THAT'S NOT IT. 272 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:35,679 ( screams ) OH, THAT'S IT! 273 00:13:35,681 --> 00:13:37,615 ALL RIGHT. 274 00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,352 HEAD BUTTS. YOU READY? 275 00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:43,854 Dick: SALLY! TOMMY! 276 00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:47,358 HARRY! LISTEN UP! THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. 277 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:50,861 WE'VE BEEN ASKED TO HOB-KNOB WITH THE CREME DE LA CREME OF RUTHERFORD'S ELITE. 278 00:13:50,863 --> 00:13:53,531 HMM, WELL, I'M OKAY HOB-WISE. 279 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:56,200 IT'S THE KNOB PART WHAT CONCERNS ME. 280 00:13:56,202 --> 00:13:57,935 THE EVENING IS VERY IMPORTANT TO MARY. 281 00:13:57,937 --> 00:14:01,272 - WE'VE GOT TO MAKE A GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION. - WHATEVER. 282 00:14:01,274 --> 00:14:03,942 EDGAR ST. CLAIR'S NEPHEW BUZZY WILL BE THERE. 283 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:06,777 HE HAS A FACE LIKE A HORSE. I WANT YOU TO CHARM HIM. 284 00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:09,547 I'LL BRING A CARROT. 285 00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:11,549 NOW, HARRY, 286 00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:13,551 YOU WILL POSE AS SALLY'S WEALTHY COUSIN. 287 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:16,220 - AH, AM I WELL BRED? - YOU'RE OVERBRED. 288 00:14:16,222 --> 00:14:18,989 IN FACT... YOU'RE MUTE. 289 00:14:18,991 --> 00:14:20,791 MMM, ALL RIGHTY. OH, I MEAN... 290 00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:23,560 ( silent ) 291 00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:25,562 NOW, SALLY, THEY ALREADY ADORE ME. 292 00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:27,999 BUT YOU MUST STRIVE TO BE ACCEPTED BY THESE PEOPLE. 293 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,000 ACCEPTED? 294 00:14:30,002 --> 00:14:32,503 HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN HOW HOT I AM? 295 00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:37,007 I MEAN, GOOD LOOKING WOMEN ARE ACCEPTED AT MORE PLACES THAN AMERICAN EXPRESS. 296 00:14:37,009 --> 00:14:39,009 I COULD BELCH THE ALPHABET 297 00:14:39,011 --> 00:14:41,011 AND MEN WITH PhDs WOULD BE ASKING ME 298 00:14:41,013 --> 00:14:42,946 - TO TUTOR THEIR KIDS. - ( door shuts ) 299 00:14:42,948 --> 00:14:46,084 GREAT NEWS! I AM NOW THE COOLEST PUNK IN SCHOOL. 300 00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,985 WELL, CONGRATULATIONS! WHAT DID YOU DO? 301 00:14:47,987 --> 00:14:50,788 I GOT SUSPENDED FOR SETTING OFF THE FIRE ALARM. 302 00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:53,891 ( scoffs ) THEY SUSPENDED YOU FOR THAT?! YOU SAVED HUNDREDS OF LIVES! 303 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,260 NO, NO, NO. 304 00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:59,163 THAT'S THE BEST PART. THERE WAS NO FIRE. 305 00:14:59,165 --> 00:15:01,933 TOMMY! THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS! 306 00:15:01,935 --> 00:15:03,768 THE NEXT TIME YOU SET OFF A FIRE ALARM, 307 00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:06,337 YOU DAMN WELL BETTER START A FIRE FIRST! 308 00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:10,775 I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT FOR YOU, NOW CAN I? 309 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,717 Mary: I'LL BE RIGHT DOWN. 310 00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:22,620 - HAVE YOU NOTICED? - WHAT? 311 00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:25,256 THERE'S NO TV IN THIS ROOM. 312 00:15:27,026 --> 00:15:29,260 THEN WHY DOES IT EXIST? 313 00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:34,065 - OKAY... HOW DO I LOOK? - OH, VERY NICE. 314 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,632 - BUT NOT GREAT. - YOU LOOK GREAT. 315 00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:37,868 NO, YOU WOULD HAVE SAID GREAT IF I LOOKED GREAT. 316 00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,436 MARY, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. 317 00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,372 YOU'RE RIGHT, TOO BUSY. I'LL GO CHANGE. 318 00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:44,175 THERE'S NO TV IN THERE EITHER. 319 00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:48,479 THERE IS NO TV ANYWHERE ON THE GROUND FLOOR. 320 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:51,649 THAT EXPLAINS WHY SHE'S SO WEIRD. 321 00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:54,852 IT'S WHY THEM HOIDY-TOIDIES DIDN'T LIKE HER PARTY. 322 00:15:54,854 --> 00:15:57,155 SHE GOT NO TV. 323 00:15:57,157 --> 00:15:58,856 HOW DOES SHE LIVE? 324 00:15:58,858 --> 00:16:02,026 ACTUALLY, SHE GETS A LOT OF INFORMATION FROM BOOKS. 325 00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:04,862 - GET OUT! - WHAT? 326 00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:07,497 SOMETIMES SHE EVEN READS FOR ENTERTAINMENT. 327 00:16:07,499 --> 00:16:10,167 WHAT, LIKE TV GUIDE? 328 00:16:10,169 --> 00:16:12,069 NO. 329 00:16:17,343 --> 00:16:18,943 WHAT DO YOU THINK, PEARLS OR GOLD? 330 00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:21,412 THE ONLY ACCESSORY YOU NEED IS ME. 331 00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:24,082 AW... I'LL GO GET A SCARF. 332 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,686 - HEY, LORNA. - HI, TOMMY. 333 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:31,121 - HEY, WHERE WERE YOU TODAY? - HOME. 334 00:16:31,123 --> 00:16:36,026 I'M JUST HERE PICKING UP SOME BOOKS BECAUSE I WAS... SUSPENDED. 335 00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:38,428 - BYE, TOMMY. - WAIT, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 336 00:16:38,430 --> 00:16:41,099 TOMMY, I LIKED YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE SMART. 337 00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:43,467 NOW YOU'RE JUST LIKE ELMAN AND ROMANO. 338 00:16:43,469 --> 00:16:46,037 BUT YOU HANG OUT WITH ELMAN AND ROMANO. 339 00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:48,506 THEY HAVE CARS. 340 00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:53,744 NOW YOU'RE JUST LIKE THEM. BUT WITHOUT A CAR. 341 00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:57,047 I CAN CHANGE BACK, I CAN BE SMART AGAIN. 342 00:16:57,049 --> 00:16:59,616 I'LL BE HAVING MY BUTT KICKED BY TOMORROW AFTERNOON. 343 00:16:59,618 --> 00:17:00,885 HERE, STUFF ME IN A LOCKER. 344 00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,587 IF ONLY IT WERE THAT EASY, TOMMY. 345 00:17:03,589 --> 00:17:05,523 BUT YOU CAN NEVER GO BACK. 346 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,358 I'VE SEEN IT A MILLION TIMES. 347 00:17:12,998 --> 00:17:15,799 ( all laughing ) 348 00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:19,636 SO DICK, THIS WEEKEND, ANY CHANCE WE CAN SQUEEZE IN 18 HOLES? 349 00:17:19,638 --> 00:17:21,672 IT DEPENDS. HOW BIG ARE THE HOLES? 350 00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,307 ( all laugh ) 351 00:17:23,309 --> 00:17:27,545 SO YOU'RE SAYING THAT WHEN A 300-POUND SOPRANO 352 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:30,314 AND A 250-POUND TENOR 353 00:17:30,316 --> 00:17:34,017 DRESS IN FUNNY COSTUMES AND TAKE 15 MINUTES TO DIE, THAT'S ART. 354 00:17:34,019 --> 00:17:38,756 BUT WHEN THE GRAVE DIGGER TAKES ON THE CAPED CANADIAN, THAT'S TRASH? 355 00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:40,791 I'M SORRY, I DON'T GET IT. 356 00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:44,295 WELL, MY POINT IS THE CULTURAL "HISTOIRE"-- 357 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:47,331 YEAH, YEAH, TALK IS CHEAP. LET'S GO OUTSIDE AND SETTLE THIS THING. 358 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:52,503 WHY DO YOU CALL IT "BACON"? YOU DON'T "BAKE" IT, YOU FRY IT. 359 00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:55,172 WHY THE DEVIL CAN'T THEY CALL IT "FRYCON"? 360 00:17:56,508 --> 00:17:58,009 AM I RIGHT, EGGIE? 361 00:17:58,011 --> 00:18:00,244 YOU KNOW, I THINK HE'S ON TO SOMETHING. 362 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,382 SO, I MADE A BRIEF STOP-OVER IN SPAIN, AND THEN-- 363 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:05,750 Harry: REALLY? 364 00:18:05,752 --> 00:18:10,087 I UNDERSTAND THE PLAINS OF SPAIN EXPERIENCE... 365 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,290 MAINLY RAIN. 366 00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:18,228 I'M REALLY IMPRESSED WITH DICK. 367 00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:19,997 HE'S GOT THEM EATING OUT OF HIS HANDS. 368 00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:23,066 YEAH, I TRIED THAT ONCE AND GOT BIT BY A GOAT. 369 00:18:24,970 --> 00:18:27,003 OH, LOOK AT ME. 370 00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:29,673 ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN ON THE OUTSIDE LOOKING IN. 371 00:18:29,675 --> 00:18:31,709 NOW I'M ON THE INSIDE. 372 00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:34,511 - YOU WANT TO GO OUTSIDE? - NEVER AGAIN. 373 00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:36,513 I'M GOING OUTSIDE. 374 00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:39,350 - 500. - THAT MUCH? 375 00:18:39,352 --> 00:18:41,585 - I'M AFRAID YOU WERE TAKEN, MY FRIEND. - WAS I? 376 00:18:41,587 --> 00:18:46,123 YES, I ONLY PAID $20.00 FOR MINE, AND IT'S A ROLEX, TOO. 377 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:49,593 THE TRICK IS TO BUY IT STRAIGHT OFF THE TRUCK. NO OVERHEAD. 378 00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,730 - HAVE YOU LISTENED TO HIM? - WHO? 379 00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:55,766 THE "NUTTY PROFESSOR." 380 00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:59,569 - LORD KNOWS WHICH ROCK ST. CLAIR FOUND HIM UNDER. - ( both laugh ) 381 00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:03,307 REMEMBER WHEN HE INVITED THE DUTCH TRANSVESTITE TO READ OUR PALMS? 382 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:06,877 AND WHERE DID HE GET THAT ACCENT? 383 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:09,747 MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE? 384 00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:12,016 DICKIE HAS JUST INFORMED ME ABOUT SOMETHING, 385 00:19:12,018 --> 00:19:14,351 AND I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD HEAR IT. 386 00:19:14,353 --> 00:19:17,955 THANK YOU, EGGIE. I DON'T MEAN TO PANIC ANYONE, 387 00:19:17,957 --> 00:19:22,359 BUT I'M AFRAID THE CALAMARI IS INFESTED WITH BABY SQUID! 388 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:27,999 DICK, SUDDENLY I'M NOT FEELING VERY WELL. 389 00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,501 MARY, YOU DIDN'T EAT THE CALAMARI, DID YOU? 390 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:33,237 - YES, THAT'S IT. - WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU OUT OF HERE! 391 00:19:33,239 --> 00:19:35,273 HARRY, SALLY, BRING THE CAR AROUND. 392 00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:39,610 I'M SORRY, BOYS, GOT TO AMSCRAY. TA-TA. 393 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:42,980 MARY, YOU'RE SPOILING OUR FUN. 394 00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:47,084 YOU KNOW, IF I WERE YOU, AND HAD YOUR MONEY, 395 00:19:47,086 --> 00:19:50,021 THE FIRST THING I'D DO IS HIRE A GOOD SURGEON 396 00:19:50,023 --> 00:19:54,358 TO HAVE THAT HUGE COB REMOVED FROM MY BUTT. 397 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:57,028 YOU MAY HAVE YOUR LITTLE CLUBHOUSE, 398 00:19:57,030 --> 00:20:00,231 BUT NONE OF YOU IS TRULY HAPPY. 399 00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:03,033 ACTUALLY, WE ARE. 400 00:20:04,970 --> 00:20:09,173 WELL, THEN, SOME OF YOU ARE... FAT. 401 00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:17,915 OH, MARY, WHAT A WONDERFUL EVENING THAT WAS. 402 00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:20,084 THE AMBIANCE, THE PEOPLE, THE REPARTEE-- 403 00:20:20,086 --> 00:20:22,919 - I HATED IT. - OH, WASN'T IT DREADFUL? 404 00:20:22,921 --> 00:20:25,289 I THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME. 405 00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:29,994 I WANTED TO STICK A CHILLED SALAD FORK INTO MY EYE. 406 00:20:29,996 --> 00:20:32,062 I DON'T KNOW WHAT I EVER SAW IN THOSE PEOPLE. 407 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:34,464 I GUESS I SPENT SO MUCH TIME TRYING TO IMPRESS THEM 408 00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:35,966 THAT I NEVER STOPPED TO REALIZE 409 00:20:35,968 --> 00:20:37,734 THAT THEY WEREN'T WORTH IMPRESSING. 410 00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:39,670 YOU'RE WORTH IMPRESSING, MARY. 411 00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:41,238 THANK YOU. 412 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,574 - YOU KNOW ONE THING I DID LIKE ABOUT THEM? - WHAT? 413 00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,609 - THEIR SHRIMP PUFFS. - I DIDN'T HAVE ANY. 414 00:20:45,611 --> 00:20:48,512 - I'VE GOT SOME RIGHT HERE. - OH... 415 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,682 OH, WAIT, WAIT! 416 00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:54,418 I HAVE DIPPING SAUCE. 417 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:56,620 NO, THANKS. 418 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:04,862 YOU KNOW, IN A WAY IT'S A SHAME THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT BETTER. 419 00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:08,866 AFTER ALL, THEY SEEM TO LIKE EVERYTHING YOU DO. 420 00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:10,701 NOT EVERYTHING. 421 00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:13,137 ♪ THEY CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME ♪ 422 00:21:13,139 --> 00:21:17,407 ♪ NO, THEY CAN'T TAKE THAT AWAY ♪ 423 00:21:17,409 --> 00:21:19,376 ♪ FROM ME. ♪ 424 00:21:25,585 --> 00:21:27,084 SURPRISE! 425 00:21:27,086 --> 00:21:28,586 OH MY GOD! 426 00:21:28,588 --> 00:21:31,088 NOW YOU HAVE A TV ON THE GROUND FLOOR. 427 00:21:31,090 --> 00:21:32,857 THAT'S THE BIGGEST TV I'VE EVER SEEN. 428 00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:34,391 HOW DID YOU AFFORD THIS? 429 00:21:34,393 --> 00:21:36,627 I SOLD YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S ANTIQUE END TABLES. 430 00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:38,128 WHAT? 431 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:40,363 ACTUALLY, THAT ONLY COVERED THE DOWN PAYMENT. 432 00:21:40,365 --> 00:21:43,166 YOU HAVE 12 MORE MONTHLY PAYMENTS OF $265.00. 433 00:21:46,338 --> 00:21:48,338 GUNSMOKE!