1
00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:09,708
SO... YOU KNOW
ABOUT THE SPRING DANCE
NEXT WEEK, RIGHT?

2
00:00:09,710 --> 00:00:13,212
UH, YEAH, YEAH.
WHY, YOU WANNA GO?

3
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:16,381
- I DON'T CARE.
- ARGH, GOOD, PHEW!

4
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,352
WAIT, SO-- SO YOU'RE NOT
ASKING ME TO THE DANCE?

5
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:23,255
NO.

6
00:00:23,257 --> 00:00:25,723
AS USUAL, YOU HAVE NO CLUE.

7
00:00:25,725 --> 00:00:28,594
- WHAT?!  WAIT, WAIT,
WAIT, YOU JUST SAID--
- NEVER MIND WHAT I SAID.

8
00:00:28,596 --> 00:00:30,829
BUT I DISTINCTLY HEARD YOU
SAY THAT YOU DID NOT CARE--

9
00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:34,632
YOU S-- SHE--

10
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:38,503
DOESN'T SHE EVER
JUST LEAVE QUIETLY?

11
00:00:38,505 --> 00:00:40,005
( sighs )
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HER.

12
00:00:40,007 --> 00:00:43,976
WHAT'S TO UNDERSTAND?
KILL HER AND GET A NEW ONE.

13
00:00:43,978 --> 00:00:46,711
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
YOU CAN'T DO THAT, SEE?

14
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:49,881
YOU GOTTA GET A NEW ONE
AND THEN YOU KILL HER.

15
00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:55,587
IT'S LIKE THE BOOK SAYS,
"BE PREPARED."

16
00:00:55,589 --> 00:00:59,458
"THE OFFICIAL BOY SCOUT
GUIDE BOOK."  WHO ARE
THE BOY SCOUTS?

17
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:02,995
THEY'RE AN ELITE PRE-PUBESCENT,
PARAMILITARY SOCIETY.

18
00:01:02,997 --> 00:01:05,697
AND I'M GONNA FOLLOW
THEIR WAYS.

19
00:01:05,699 --> 00:01:08,667
BUT, HARRY, YOU'RE NEITHER
ELITE, NOR PRE-PUBESCENT.

20
00:01:08,669 --> 00:01:10,702
ALL IN GOOD TIME, SALLY...

21
00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:12,704
ALL IN GOOD TIME.

22
00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:16,141
- WHOA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- IT'S THESE ANTS, THEY'RE
EVERYWHERE.

23
00:01:16,143 --> 00:01:20,245
WELL, YOU CAN'T KILL 'EM,
I'M BREEDING 'EM.

24
00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:21,647
OH, THAT MAKES SENSE.

25
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:24,716
I'M GOING FOR MY MERIT BADGE
IN INSECT HUSBANDRY.

26
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:26,852
SO YOU'VE TURNED MY KITCHEN
INTO AN ANT FARM?

27
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:30,021
NO, THE ANT FARM
IS UNDER YOUR BED.

28
00:01:30,023 --> 00:01:32,858
THE KITCHEN IS MORE
OF A LOUNGE AREA.

29
00:01:32,860 --> 00:01:35,527
- OKAY, IT'S OKAY.
- ( Dick puffing )

30
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:39,163
- HERE WE ARE, NICE AND SAFE.
- OH, OH, NO, NO...

31
00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:41,767
- OH GOD.
- ( calling ) HELLO?

32
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:43,735
DICK'S A LITTLE SHAKEN UP.

33
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:46,471
- WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED NOW?
- YEAH, SO?

34
00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:49,808
OH, I WAS DRIVING ALONG,
RADIO BLASTING,

35
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:53,345
WIND RUSHING
THROUGH MY GORGEOUS HAIR,

36
00:01:53,347 --> 00:01:55,814
WHEN SUDDENLY,
OUT OF NOWHERE,

37
00:01:55,816 --> 00:02:00,485
WAH!  BOOM-- OH!
( sobbing )

38
00:02:00,487 --> 00:02:03,221
- WHAT?
- HE HIT A CHIPMUNK.

39
00:02:03,223 --> 00:02:05,223
( sobbing continues )

40
00:02:05,225 --> 00:02:08,793
A CHIPMUNK?
WHAT-- LIKE ONE OF THOSE
LITTLE DISNEY RATS?

41
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:14,098
OH, AND WE RUSHED HIM
TO THE FINEST VETERINARIAN
IN ALL OF RUTHERFORD,

42
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,834
BUT IT'S TOUCH AND GO

43
00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:19,471
AND THESE DAMN DOCTORS
WON'T TELL ME WHAT'S
REALLY GOING ON.

44
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,172
OH, POOR CHIPPY...

45
00:02:21,174 --> 00:02:22,841
- YOU NAMED IT "CHIPPY"?
- YEAH.

46
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:25,109
HMM, WELL, I THINK
IT'S KIND OF CATCHY--

47
00:02:25,111 --> 00:02:26,878
CHIPPY THE CHIPMUNK...

48
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,681
CHIPPY,
THE CHEERFUL CHIPMUNK...

49
00:02:29,683 --> 00:02:32,617
THE TRAGEDY OF CHIPPY,
THE CHEERFUL CHIPMUNK.

50
00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:35,954
- ( sobbing ) OH, NO!
- HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

51
00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:37,890
<i> ( theme music playing )</i>

52
00:03:07,154 --> 00:03:09,288
OBJECT "A,"

53
00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:13,325
A 2,358-POUND

54
00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:17,129
RAMBLER AMERICAN FROM 1964,

55
00:03:17,131 --> 00:03:20,132
TRAVELING
AT 45 MILES PER HOUR

56
00:03:20,134 --> 00:03:23,868
COLLIDES WITH OBJECT "B,"

57
00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:26,304
A TINY CHIPMUNK...

58
00:03:30,144 --> 00:03:32,277
WEIGHING A MERE
EIGHT OUNCES.

59
00:03:34,181 --> 00:03:37,415
NOW, WHO CAN CALCULATE
THE PSYCHOLOGICAL TOLL

60
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,417
THIS BLOODY COLLISION

61
00:03:39,419 --> 00:03:43,020
WILL TAKE ON THE DRIVER?

62
00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:47,025
DR. SOLOMON,
YOU HIT A CHIPMUNK?

63
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:49,995
( sobbing )
YES.

64
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:54,566
PLEASE, JUST TELL ME,

65
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:57,669
WOULD YOU LIKE ME
TO ASK YOU TO THE DANCE?

66
00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:01,073
<i> ARE</i> YOU ASKING ME
TO THE DANCE?

67
00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:05,577
NO, I'M ASKING YOU
IF YOU WANT ME TO ASK YOU
TO THE DANCE?

68
00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,646
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

69
00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:10,515
AUGUST, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO TO THE DANCE WITH ME?

70
00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:13,819
THAT DEPENDS.
ARE YOU JUST ASKING ME
'CAUSE I'M MAD AT YOU?

71
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:16,355
- YES.
- DON'T BOTHER.

72
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:22,293
SO, TOMMY, DON'T HAVE
A DATE FOR THE DANCE?

73
00:04:22,295 --> 00:04:25,096
WELL, I-- I'M NOT SURE.

74
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:29,000
WELL, IF YOU DON'T...

75
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:31,969
- I HOPE IT'S NOT
TOO FORWARD IF I ASK.
- NO.

76
00:04:31,971 --> 00:04:35,340
- COULD YOU GO WITH
MY FRIEND, BETH?
- DOH!

77
00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:44,049
A PROPER TOURNIQUET
SHOULD MINIMIZE
THE BLOOD FLOW

78
00:04:44,051 --> 00:04:46,384
TO THE AFFECTED EXTREMITY.

79
00:04:50,290 --> 00:04:53,024
THIS DANCE THING IS NUTS.
IT'S LIKE THE NFL DRAFT.

80
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:55,961
AUGUST TOOK HER OFFER
OFF THE TABLE, SO NOW
I'M A FREE AGENT.

81
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,596
IF I CAN'T CONVINCE HER
TO SIGN ME BACK,

82
00:04:57,598 --> 00:05:00,832
I'M GONNA GET DRAFTED
BY THE RUTHERFORD UGLIES.

83
00:05:02,702 --> 00:05:05,102
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THE ARBITRARY WAY

84
00:05:05,104 --> 00:05:09,273
THAT HUMANS DECIDE
WHICH ANIMALS TO REVERE
AND WHICH TO EAT.

85
00:05:09,275 --> 00:05:13,478
IT'S NOTHING MORE
THAN A BARBARIC
POPULARITY CONTEST.

86
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,348
TAKE THE KOALA BEAR:
CUTE AND CUDDLY.

87
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:19,184
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD
OF A KOALA BURGER?
A KOALA DOG?

88
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:21,786
KOALA FALAFEL?
NO!

89
00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:25,290
THE NOBLE COW,

90
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:29,560
WHOSE ONLY SINS
ARE HER PENDULOUS TITS
AND REDUNDANT STOMACHS,

91
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:34,099
IS DOOMED TO BE SAWED
INTO FREEZER-FRIENDLY CHUNKS

92
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:37,302
AND SOLD BY THE POUND
TO THE BLOODTHIRSTY MASSES.

93
00:05:37,304 --> 00:05:40,004
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY OUT,
I'VE GOT SOME KILLING TO DO.

94
00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:41,606
WHAT'S GOING ON?

95
00:05:41,608 --> 00:05:43,141
WE GOT ANTS, SOLDIERS.

96
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:44,943
- Dick:<i> ANTS, WE HAVE ANTS?</i>
- YEAH, NOT FOR LONG.

97
00:05:44,945 --> 00:05:46,344
YOU'RE NOT KILLING ANYTHING!

98
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,313
DICK, THEY ARE
DISEASE-RIDDEN VERMINES,
THEY MUST BE EX--

99
00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:52,216
LIEUTENANT!
LIEUTENANT!

100
00:05:52,218 --> 00:05:55,486
YOU ARE FORBIDDEN
TO HARM ONE SINGLE ANT.
NOW, THAT'S A DIRECT ORDER.

101
00:05:55,488 --> 00:05:59,323
I'M SORRY, WAS I ASLEEP
WHEN YOU TURNED INTO
A BIG WUSSIE?

102
00:06:01,295 --> 00:06:04,396
NO, THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO
WITH ME BEING A WUSSIE.

103
00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:08,300
CHIPPY HAS OPENED MY EYES.

104
00:06:08,302 --> 00:06:11,669
AS OF TODAY, THIS APARTMENT
IS A CRUELTY-FREE ZONE.

105
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,705
LIEUTENANT, I ORDER YOU
TO RID THIS HOUSE

106
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,674
OF ANY ITEMS MADE
AT THE EXPENSE OF OUR
FOUR-LEGGED BRETHREN.

107
00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:20,278
AND WE SHALL HAVE
NO ANIMAL PRODUCTS,
NO ANIMAL BY-PRODUCTS

108
00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:25,083
AND YOU SHALL NOT BUY
ANY ANIMAL BY-PRODUCT,
OR PRODUCTS.

109
00:06:25,085 --> 00:06:28,686
- HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR?
- UH-HUH.

110
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:31,789
COME ON, MEN,
THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE.

111
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,937
HELLO, RUTHERFORD
ANIMAL CLINIC?

112
00:06:45,939 --> 00:06:47,839
YES, THIS IS CHIPPY'S DADDY.

113
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:51,076
ARE THERE-- ARE THERE
ANY SIGNS OF IMPROVEMENT?

114
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,276
OH, I SEE...

115
00:06:52,278 --> 00:06:54,446
WELL, DID HE GET THE BASKET
OF ACORNS I SENT OVER?

116
00:06:55,983 --> 00:06:59,517
OKAY, WELL, I'LL CHECK BACK
IN AN HOUR.

117
00:06:59,519 --> 00:07:03,754
- OH, MARY, I THINK
YOU'D BETTER SIT DOWN.
- WHAT IS IT?

118
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:05,157
CHIPPY MADE IT
THROUGH THE NIGHT,

119
00:07:05,159 --> 00:07:07,192
BUT THE DOCTORS SAY
WHEN HE COMES OUT OF
THE COMA,

120
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:11,129
HE MAY ONLY HAVE
20 TO 30% OF HIS
TREE-CLIMBING ABILITY.

121
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:16,201
YOU KNOW, IT WOULD HELP
IF YOU STOP THINKING
ABOUT IT.

122
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:19,604
- AND STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
- BUT IT'S MY FAULT.

123
00:07:19,606 --> 00:07:23,975
WHAT-- COME ON,
DICK, THIS HAS BEEN
GOING ON FOREVER.

124
00:07:23,977 --> 00:07:28,546
FIRST, MAN INVENTED
THE WHEEL AND THEN
HE INVENTED ROAD KILL.

125
00:07:29,749 --> 00:07:31,849
YOU DID ALL YOU COULD.

126
00:07:31,851 --> 00:07:34,519
I MEAN, MOST PEOPLE
WOULDN'T HAVE EVEN
SLOWED DOWN,

127
00:07:34,521 --> 00:07:37,388
MUCH LESS STOP
TO PERFORM MOUTH TO MOUTH.

128
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:40,592
DICK, THERE'S SOME
FRAT GUYS OUT IN THE QUAD
HARASSING A BISON.

129
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:42,426
OH, MY GOD, A BISON!

130
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:44,228
- THOSE SAVAGES!
- DICK!

131
00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:46,197
WHY'D YOU DO THAT?

132
00:07:46,199 --> 00:07:49,901
BECAUSE IT'S JUST SO EASY.

133
00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:53,604
NINA, I NEED A WOMAN'S
POINT OF VIEW FOR SOMETHING.

134
00:07:53,606 --> 00:07:56,307
UM, MY GIRLFRIEND'S
NOT SPEAKING TO ME

135
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,709
BECAUSE I DIDN'T
ASK HER TO A DANCE.

136
00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,678
MMM, SEND HER FLOWERS.

137
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:04,382
SHE ONCE TOLD ME
THAT FLOWERS REMINDED HER
OF THE MORBID STENCH OF DEATH.

138
00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:05,984
OKAY...

139
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,852
WELL, HOW ABOUT A GIFT?
MAYBE A NICE MAKEUP KIT.

140
00:08:07,854 --> 00:08:11,289
UH, SHE SEES MAKEUP AS A WAY
FOR THE ARROGANT MISOGYNISTS

141
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,858
TO DECORATE THE WOMEN THEY OWN
AND TURN THEM INTO...

142
00:08:13,860 --> 00:08:16,594
YOU KNOW, LIKE
VACUOUS PLAYTHINGS.

143
00:08:17,898 --> 00:08:20,865
OH, I BET YOU TWO
HAVE A LOT OF FUN.

144
00:08:20,867 --> 00:08:22,600
WAIT, THAT'S ALL YOU'VE GOT?

145
00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:24,535
WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE,
"DEAR SANDY"?

146
00:08:24,537 --> 00:08:27,272
- WHO'S "DEAR SANDY"?
- THE ADVICE LADY
FROM THE PAPER.

147
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:29,740
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
"DEAR SANDY,

148
00:08:29,742 --> 00:08:32,410
I'M A WHINY
LITTLE TEENAGER
WITH GIRLFRIEND PROBLEMS

149
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:34,078
AND THE ONLY PERSON
I CAN BUG ABOUT IT

150
00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:37,448
IS MY DAD'S
STUNNING NUBIAN SECRETARY.

151
00:08:37,450 --> 00:08:39,350
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
COULD YOU WRITE THAT DOWN
FOR ME?

152
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,285
SURE, YOU MEAN
THE STUNNING NUBIAN PART?

153
00:08:51,164 --> 00:08:52,964
HEY, WHAT YOU DOING?

154
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:56,067
JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS,
GETTING RID OF ALL
THE MEAT PRODUCTS.

155
00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,969
OH, I CAN'T WATCH.

156
00:08:57,971 --> 00:08:59,904
WAIT, JUST A SECOND.
WHAT'RE YOU WEARING?

157
00:08:59,906 --> 00:09:02,340
- MMM, BINOCULARS.
- NO, THE COAT.

158
00:09:02,342 --> 00:09:06,311
- MY COAT?
- YEAH, IT'S FUR, ANIMAL FUR.
GIVE ME THE COAT.

159
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:11,149
( crying )
NO, NO ANIMALS WERE HARMED
IN THE MAKING OF THIS COAT.

160
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,718
OH YEAH, I'M SURE
SOME LLAMA JUST UNZIPPED
HIS FUR AND SAID,

161
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:17,254
"THANK, GOD, HARRY SOLOMON
WON'T BE COLD THIS WINTER."

162
00:09:17,256 --> 00:09:18,589
THAT'S PLAUSIBLE.

163
00:09:18,591 --> 00:09:20,792
WHOA!

164
00:09:20,794 --> 00:09:24,996
- AN ORDER'S AN ORDER.
- ( loud crying )

165
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,298
- SHUT UP.
- OKAY.

166
00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:37,242
EXCUSE ME, IT'S AFTER 6:00,
YOU CAN GIVE MY CHIPMUNK
THE PAIN SHOT NOW.

167
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,310
DR. SOLOMON, I WAS GOING TO.

168
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,946
- OH, GOOD, GO AHEAD.
- JUST A FEW MINUTES.

169
00:09:41,948 --> 00:09:44,149
WELL, PLEASE,
IT'S AFTER 6:00.
IT'S AFTER 6:00.

170
00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:46,217
I DON'T SEE WHY
HE SHOULD HAVE THIS PAIN.

171
00:09:46,219 --> 00:09:48,486
SIR, I WILL GET TO IT
IN A MINUTE.

172
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:52,657
IT'S TIME FOR HIS SHOT,
YOU UNDERSTAND?
DO SOMETHING!

173
00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:55,260
HE ONLY HAD TO HOLD OUT
UNTIL 6:00, AND IT'S PAST 6:00.

174
00:09:55,262 --> 00:09:58,162
HE'S IN PAIN.
MY CHIPMUNK IS IN PAIN.

175
00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:01,665
- GIVE HIM THE SHOT,
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
- YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO BEHAVE.

176
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:05,569
GIVE MY CHIPMUNK THE SHOT!

177
00:10:05,571 --> 00:10:09,407
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL GET IT.
- OKAY.

178
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:12,544
THE RABBIT COMES
OUT OF THE HOLE...

179
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:16,314
RUNS AROUND THE TREE,

180
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:19,216
WINKS AT THE SAILOR...

181
00:10:19,218 --> 00:10:21,619
FINDS GOD

182
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,656
AND VOILÀ!

183
00:10:24,658 --> 00:10:26,657
A PERFECT STRAIGHT KNOT.

184
00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:29,960
HARRY, I NEED YOUR OPINION.
READ MY "DEAR SANDY" LETTER.

185
00:10:29,962 --> 00:10:32,830
I CHANGED SOME
OF THE SPECIFICS
SO NOBODY KNOWS IT'S ME.

186
00:10:32,832 --> 00:10:36,368
"I HAVE A PROBLEM,
MY GIRLFRIEND, I'LL
CALL HER BETTY,

187
00:10:36,370 --> 00:10:38,570
WANTS ME TO ASK HER
TO THE DANCE,

188
00:10:38,572 --> 00:10:42,206
I, BEING A WEALTHY,
KOREAN BUSINESSMAN..."

189
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:46,878
THIS IS CRAP!

190
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,846
PARDON MY KOREAN.

191
00:10:52,752 --> 00:10:54,919
- WHAT'S THAT?
- SANDWICH.

192
00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:57,254
- WHAT'S IN IT?
- LETTUCE.

193
00:10:57,256 --> 00:11:00,458
I'M GONNA HAVE TO SEARCH
THAT SANDWICH.

194
00:11:00,460 --> 00:11:03,161
LETTUCE, BREAD, WHAT'S THIS?

195
00:11:09,268 --> 00:11:11,269
- MAYONNAISE?
- SO?

196
00:11:11,271 --> 00:11:13,370
- MAYONNAISE HAS EGGS IN IT.
- EGGS ARE NOT MEAT.

197
00:11:13,372 --> 00:11:16,674
WELL, THEY WOULD BE
IF YOU DIDN'T KILL THEM
FOR MAYONNAISE.

198
00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:20,878
- I'M GONNA HAVE TO DESTROY
THIS CONTRABAND.
- WHOA--

199
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:24,381
AHH, WHAT'S THAT
ON YOUR SHOE?

200
00:11:24,383 --> 00:11:28,586
- MAYONNAISE.
- NO... NO, NO, IT'S LEATHER.

201
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:31,189
YOUR SHOES ARE MADE
OF LEATHER

202
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:34,992
AND LEATHER SHOES
COME FROM LEATHER COWS.

203
00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:37,929
OKAY, LISTEN,
EASY THERE, HOT ROD.

204
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:40,564
LET'S NOT GET CRAZY
ABOUT THIS.  MAYBE I GOT
A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY.

205
00:11:40,566 --> 00:11:43,434
HERE, HARRY,
HAVE YOUR SANDWICH BACK.

206
00:11:43,436 --> 00:11:48,339
I THINK DICK MIGHT LIKE
TO HAVE A LITTLE LOOK
IN YOUR CLOSET.

207
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:50,408
( screaming )
NO-OO!

208
00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:53,377
<i> ( cow moos )</i>

209
00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:57,649
OH, THE SALAD BAR
IS FANTASTIC, MARY.

210
00:11:57,651 --> 00:12:00,651
YOU KNOW, I DON'T THINK
WE'LL EVER GET TIRED
OF EATING THIS WAY.

211
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:04,089
BEETS, CAULIFLOWER,
SEASONED CROUTONS,

212
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:05,956
PLAIN CROUTONS--
DID I MENTION BEETS?

213
00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:09,660
- YEAH.
- YEAH, AND THE BEETS,
THEY ARE SO NICE.

214
00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:10,995
- OH, NO!
- WHAT?

215
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:12,997
YOU ORDERED SURF AND TURF

216
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:15,099
AND THEY BROUGHT YOU
STEAK AND LOBSTER.
EH, WAITER!

217
00:12:15,101 --> 00:12:18,469
DICK, THAT'S
WHAT SURF AND TURF IS.

218
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,605
I THOUGHT IT WAS
WATER AND GRASS.

219
00:12:24,978 --> 00:12:27,178
MARY, HOW COULD YOU?

220
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,647
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS
TO CHIPPY?

221
00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:31,482
I'M NOT EATING CHIPPY.

222
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:34,919
OH, NOT NOW, BUT WHERE
WILL THIS CARNAGE END?

223
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:38,323
DICK, SIT DOWN
AND EAT YOUR BEETS.

224
00:12:38,325 --> 00:12:40,458
ALL RIGHT.

225
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:42,860
LOOK, I THINK IT'S GREAT

226
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:46,397
THAT YOU HAVE MADE THIS
WONDERFUL LIFE-CHANGING
DECISION...

227
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:50,101
- ( shell cracks )
- BUT I WILL NOT
SIT HERE

228
00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,737
AND LET YOU BERATE ME
FOR LIVING MY LIFE MY WAY.

229
00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:54,672
( cracking continues )

230
00:12:55,742 --> 00:12:57,675
OKAY?

231
00:12:58,979 --> 00:13:01,112
OKAY.

232
00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:05,817
NO, I CAN'T
TAKE IT ANYMORE!

233
00:13:05,819 --> 00:13:09,820
I'M HEREBY LIBERATING
THESE LOBSTERS.

234
00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:13,157
RUN!  PLEASE,
RUN FOR THE RIVER!

235
00:13:13,159 --> 00:13:15,026
THEY CAN TAKE YOUR LEGS,

236
00:13:15,028 --> 00:13:18,129
BUT THEY'LL NEVER TAKE
YOUR FREEDOM!

237
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:22,733
COME ON!
COME ON, RUN!

238
00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:27,305
WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO RUN FASTER THAN THAT.

239
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:29,940
( grunting )
HERE, I'LL HELP YOU.

240
00:13:29,942 --> 00:13:32,643
HERE-- OH, OH, OW!

241
00:13:36,382 --> 00:13:38,716
GOODBYE, OLD FRIENDS.

242
00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:41,552
WE'VE HAD SOME GREAT TIMES
TOGETHER, HUH?

243
00:13:44,924 --> 00:13:48,092
I NEVER THOUGHT I'D WEAR YOU,
BUT YOU WENT WITH EVERYTHING.

244
00:13:49,729 --> 00:13:54,199
AND YOU, YOU WERE 50% OFF
WHEN WE MET, REMEMBER THAT?

245
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,968
I DO.

246
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,270
OH!  AND YOU...

247
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:02,740
YOU SILLY, FUN,
OPEN-TOED THINGS.

248
00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:06,477
YOU GAVE ME BUNIONS,
BUT DAMN, YOU MADE MY GAMS
LOOK GREAT.

249
00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,714
I THINK I'LL MISS YOU
MOST OF ALL.

250
00:14:09,716 --> 00:14:13,451
"DEAR SANDY"
IS IGNORING ME, HARRY.
LISTEN TO THIS.

251
00:14:13,453 --> 00:14:15,419
"ANGRY IN AKRON," RESPONSE,

252
00:14:15,421 --> 00:14:17,788
"CONFLICTED IN CLEVELAND,"
RESPONSE.

253
00:14:17,790 --> 00:14:20,825
SHE EVEN RESPONDS
TO "YEAST INFECTION
IN YOUNGSTOWN."

254
00:14:22,295 --> 00:14:27,031
OH, WHAT KIND
OF PARENT NAMES THEIR KID
"YEAST INFECTION"?

255
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:31,035
LOOK AT ME.

256
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:35,406
I AM 100% ANIMAL-FREE.

257
00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:37,742
NOTHING WAS KILLED
IN THE MAKING OF THESE
GARMENTS.

258
00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:40,711
SIR, FOLLOWING YOUR
POINTLESS AND STUPID ORDERS,

259
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,647
I HAVE RID THIS HOUSE
OF EVERY ANIMAL PRODUCT.

260
00:14:43,649 --> 00:14:47,518
- ( sniffles )  MY SHOES.
- GOOD WORK, LIEUTENANT.

261
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:51,522
SALLY, ARE THOSE...
<i> ALL</i> YOUR SHOES?

262
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,057
- YEAH.
- UH-HUH...

263
00:14:53,059 --> 00:14:54,825
- AND YOU'RE
QUITE SURE OF THAT?
- YES.

264
00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:58,362
- EVERY SHOE YOU OWN.
- YES, YES, YES!

265
00:14:58,364 --> 00:15:00,999
OH, REALLY?

266
00:15:01,001 --> 00:15:03,935
- THEN HOW DO YOU
EXPLAIN THESE?
-<i> ( Sally gasps )</i>

267
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:07,638
WHILE COMPLETING MY MERIT
BADGE IN WATER CONSERVATION,

268
00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,908
I FOUND THESE<i> TAPED</i>

269
00:15:09,910 --> 00:15:12,376
TO THE INSIDE
OF THE TOILET TANK?!

270
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:15,913
I'VE NEVER SEEN THOSE
BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

271
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:19,150
- GIVE 'EM BACK TO ME!
- LIEUTENANT!

272
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:21,952
- YOU WON'T BE NEEDING
THOSE ANYMORE.
- ( yelps )

273
00:15:21,954 --> 00:15:25,856
AS OF TODAY, I AM ISSUING
ANIMAL-FRIENDLY FOOT GEAR.

274
00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:29,059
- FLIP-FLOPS?
- MM-HMM, THEY ARE
VERY STYLISH

275
00:15:29,061 --> 00:15:31,729
AND THEY MAKE THE MOST
DELIGHTFUL SLAPPING SOUNDS.

276
00:15:33,165 --> 00:15:36,801
YOU LIKE SLAPPING SOUNDS?
I'LL SHOW YOU SLAPPING SOUNDS.

277
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:38,369
PUT THEM ON, LIEUTENANT.

278
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:41,071
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

279
00:15:41,073 --> 00:15:44,275
I'M TAKING THESE SHOES
TO A COW PASTURE TO GIVE
THEM A PROPER BURIAL.

280
00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:58,556
I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU ALL
FOR BEING GRACIOUS ENOUGH

281
00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,558
TO COME WITNESS
THIS MAGICAL MOMENT.

282
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,793
( sobs )
THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL, IT'S--

283
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,496
JUST LET THE RAT GO,
IT'S COLD OUT HERE.

284
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,767
IT'S A CHIPMUNK.
CALL IT WHAT IT IS,
DAMN IT.

285
00:16:11,671 --> 00:16:15,205
THREE DAYS AGO,
AT EXACTLY 6:38 P.M.,

286
00:16:15,207 --> 00:16:17,708
TWO LIVES
WERE FOREVER CHANGED.

287
00:16:18,944 --> 00:16:23,314
BUT IN THE AFTERMATH
OF THAT VIOLENT COLLISION,

288
00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,749
A FLOWER OF HOPE BLOSSOMED

289
00:16:25,751 --> 00:16:29,420
AND THAT HOPE IGNITED
A FLAME OF INSPIRATION

290
00:16:29,422 --> 00:16:32,189
WHICH FUELED A DESIRE
THAT INSPIRED A DREAM--

291
00:16:32,191 --> 00:16:34,158
- Tommy: OKAY, WE GET IT.
- Mary: OH, FOR GOD'S SAKES!

292
00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:39,429
CHIPPY, YOUR SACRIFICE
WAS TRULY A GIFT.

293
00:16:39,431 --> 00:16:42,133
YOU OPENED MY EYES
TO A WHOLE NEW WAY
OF LIFE.

294
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:46,737
AND NOW I GIVE
THE GIFT OF LIFE
BACK TO YOU.

295
00:16:48,140 --> 00:16:51,275
- GOOD BYE, MY FRIEND.
-<i> ( Chippy squeals )</i>

296
00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:55,279
SUDDENLY THIS PLANET
DOESN'T SEEM QUITE SO CRUEL,
AFTER ALL.

297
00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:58,015
-<i> ( bird squawking )</i>
- OH, LOOK!

298
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:01,252
LOOK AT THAT BEAUTIFUL
MAJESTIC BIRD--

299
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,187
-<i> ( wings flapping )</i>
- HEY!  HEY!

300
00:17:03,189 --> 00:17:05,055
YOU LEAVE HIM ALONE--
HEY, RUN!

301
00:17:05,057 --> 00:17:08,525
CHIPPY, RUN!  YOU--
GET AWAY FROM HIM,
YOU WINGED BEAST!

302
00:17:08,527 --> 00:17:10,427
-<i> ( rock thumps )</i>
-<i> ( bird squawks )</i>

303
00:17:10,429 --> 00:17:12,430
OH, NICE ARM, DICK.

304
00:17:12,432 --> 00:17:14,097
OH, MY GOD,
WHAT HAVE I DONE?

305
00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:16,300
I THINK YOU JUST KILLED
THAT...

306
00:17:16,302 --> 00:17:20,705
- "ENDANGERED PEREGRINE FALCON."
- OH!

307
00:17:23,709 --> 00:17:26,544
I'M A MENACE
TO MY FELLOW CREATURES.

308
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:29,546
WELL, YOU CAN'T SAVE
EVERY LIVING CREATURE.

309
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:32,517
SOME LIVE, SOME DIE,
THAT'S JUST LIFE HAPPENING.

310
00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:34,485
THAT'S JUST ANIMALS.
WHAT ABOUT US?

311
00:17:34,487 --> 00:17:36,120
WE ARE ANIMALS.

312
00:17:36,122 --> 00:17:39,490
WE EAT LIKE ANIMALS,
SLEEP LIKE ANIMALS,
HAVE SEX LIKE ANIMALS.

313
00:17:39,492 --> 00:17:43,960
- OH YEAH, ESPECIALLY
AFTER A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA.
- OH, YEAH.

314
00:17:43,962 --> 00:17:47,398
JUST BE GRATEFUL YOU'RE
AT THE TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN
AND NOTHING EATS YOU.

315
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:52,102
OH, YEAH?  WHAT ABOUT
THAT SHARK IN "JAWS"?
HE'S SO SCARY.

316
00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:53,738
FINE, HAVE IT YOUR WAY.

317
00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:58,009
THE WHOLE WORLD
IS JUST ONE GIANT
SAVAGE SMORGASBORD.

318
00:17:58,011 --> 00:18:01,212
AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT,
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO BUILD A ROCKET

319
00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:03,514
AND JET OFF TO SOME KINDER,
GENTLER PLANET.

320
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,882
OH, YEAH, NO,
THAT WOULD BE
THE EASY WAY OUT.

321
00:18:05,884 --> 00:18:08,119
NO, I HAVE TO FACE IT.

322
00:18:08,121 --> 00:18:10,754
I'M NOTHING MORE
THAN A<i> DEATH</i> MACHINE.

323
00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:13,324
WELL, YOU'RE ALSO
A LIFE MACHINE.

324
00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:15,826
YOU CREATED A LIFE... TOMMY.

325
00:18:15,828 --> 00:18:17,495
OH, I HAD NOTHING TO DO
WITH THAT.

326
00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:21,665
COME ON, YOU HAD A LITTLE
SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT.

327
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:24,335
IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU,
HE WOULDN'T BE HERE.

328
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:26,870
WELL, THAT'S TRUE,
I DID BRING HIM.

329
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:29,473
UH-- INTO THIS WORLD,
I MEAN.

330
00:18:29,475 --> 00:18:32,176
SEE, LIFE HAS A WAY
OF BALANCING THINGS OUT.

331
00:18:32,178 --> 00:18:35,812
YOU'RE RIGHT, MARY.

332
00:18:35,814 --> 00:18:38,382
WE'RE PART OF A GREAT CYCLE.

333
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:40,016
( sighs )

334
00:18:40,018 --> 00:18:42,386
"THERE'S A TIME
TO LIVE, A TIME TO DIE,

335
00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:45,256
A TIME TO SOW,
A TIME TO REAP..."

336
00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:47,491
A TIME TO REUPHOLSTER

337
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:49,660
AND A TIME TO KEEP
THE FURNISHINGS YOU HAVE

338
00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:52,429
AND JUST BRIGHTEN THEM UP
WITH A FEW THROW PILLOWS.

339
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:55,866
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

340
00:18:55,868 --> 00:18:58,335
YOU KNOW, I'M SUDDENLY
FEELING VERY CREATIVE.

341
00:18:58,337 --> 00:18:59,803
- REALLY?
- MM-HMM.

342
00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:09,313
DID YOU KISS
THAT DEAD CHIPMUNK?

343
00:19:10,683 --> 00:19:13,217
- NOT ON THE LIPS.
- ( groans )

344
00:19:20,693 --> 00:19:21,925
WHAT YOU MAKING?

345
00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:24,862
- A SPEAR.
- OH.

346
00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:28,198
I'M MAKING
A SHARPENED STICK.

347
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,967
OH, MAN!

348
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:32,870
I MUST HAVE THREE COWS
WORTH OF SHOES IN HERE.

349
00:19:32,872 --> 00:19:37,374
DICK, I CANNOT WAIT FOR YOU
TO GO ON YOUR NEXT INSANE KICK,
SO I CAN GET ALL NEW PANTS.

350
00:19:37,376 --> 00:19:39,944
( grunts )  OY!
DID YOU GET ME A NEW COAT?

351
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:42,446
NO, WE JUST
DUG YOUR OLD ONE
OUT OF THE TRASH.

352
00:19:42,448 --> 00:19:45,483
OH... PASTA!

353
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:49,820
AUGUST, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

354
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:53,090
"DEAR SANDY,

355
00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:56,660
I DIDN'T ASK MY GIRLFRIEND
TO THE DANCE AND NOW
SHE'S MAD AT ME.

356
00:19:56,662 --> 00:20:01,365
IT WAS A MISTAKE AND I'D DO
ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD
TO MAKE HER HAPPY."

357
00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:05,602
SIGNED, "REGRETFUL
IN RUTHERFORD."

358
00:20:05,604 --> 00:20:08,806
IT WAS LIKE THE PEN
WAS CONNECTED STRAIGHT
TO MY HEART.

359
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:15,512
- SEE YOU AT THE DANCE.
- SEE YOU!

360
00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:19,183
OH... NICE LETTER, TOMMY.

361
00:20:19,185 --> 00:20:23,220
- I DIDN'T WRITE IT.
- WH-- WELL, THEN WHO DID?

362
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:26,823
A SCOUT NEVER EXPECTS
PRAISE FOR A GOOD DEED.

363
00:20:26,825 --> 00:20:30,294
- GOSH, IT'S EXACTLY
YOUR STORY, IT'S UNCANNY.
- I KNOW.

364
00:20:30,296 --> 00:20:33,430
A GOOD DEED
IS ITS OWN REWARD.

365
00:20:33,432 --> 00:20:35,098
COME ON, BOYS,
WHO WANTS MEAT?

366
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:37,534
- I DO, I DO!
- I DO, I DO!

367
00:20:37,536 --> 00:20:39,336
HEY...

368
00:20:39,338 --> 00:20:41,405
GOOD SCOUT HERE,

369
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:44,241
MEAN THAT I WROTE
THE LETTER.

370
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:47,110
IT WAS ME!
IT WAS ME!

371
00:20:47,112 --> 00:20:49,113
- MMM, MEAT!
- YEP!

372
00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:52,583
IT'S RED, DEAD AND CORN-FED.

373
00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:54,919
( hissing )

374
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,721
- WHAT'S THAT, LIEUTENANT?
- AN ANT BOMB.

375
00:20:57,723 --> 00:21:01,225
- YOU THINK THAT'S
GONNA KILL THE ANTS?
- IT'S NOT WORKING SO FAR.

376
00:21:01,227 --> 00:21:03,694
UH, COULD YOU PASS
THE BACON?

377
00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:05,363
OH, YEAH.

378
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:11,435
HERE.

379
00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:13,370
OKAY.

380
00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:25,149
- Dick:<i> COME ON, COME ON, YES.</i>
-<i> ( paws clacking )</i>

381
00:21:25,151 --> 00:21:28,586
- YOU'LL BE SAFE IN HERE
WITH ME ALL DAY.
- ( gasps )

382
00:21:28,588 --> 00:21:30,588
DICK, WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT DOG?

383
00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:33,690
SOME OLD GUY WITH DARK GLASSES
WAS PUSHING HER DOWN
THE SIDEWALK.

384
00:21:40,833 --> 00:21:44,434
OKAY, THAT'S IT, YOU ARE
OFFICIALLY OUT OF CONTROL.

385
00:21:44,436 --> 00:21:47,271
-<i> ( car horn honking )</i>
-<i> ( brakes screeching )</i>

386
00:21:47,273 --> 00:21:50,574
<i> ( loud crashing )</i>