1 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:16,214 - DICK, I NEED A FAVOR. - UH, NOT NOW, TOMMY. 2 00:00:16,216 --> 00:00:19,350 I'M DOING RESEARCH. I'M FINDING OUT WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE SPIT HITS THE FAN. 3 00:00:21,655 --> 00:00:23,655 NO, DICK, LOOK, 4 00:00:23,657 --> 00:00:25,657 THIS IS IMPORTANT. 5 00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:28,627 - TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. - ACTORS ON ACTING? 6 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:31,062 YEAH. YOU KNOW HOW YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO FIND NEW WAYS 7 00:00:31,064 --> 00:00:33,098 TO EXPLORE THE HUMAN FEELINGS? 8 00:00:33,100 --> 00:00:36,035 AH, “USING YOUR EMOTIONAL MEMORY, THE SEARCH FOR EMOTIONAL TRUTH 9 00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:39,138 WILL STIMULATE YOUR EMOTIONAL JUICES.” 10 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:41,340 “EMOTIONAL JUICES”? 11 00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:43,308 I LOVE MY JUICES. THIS IS EXCITING! 12 00:00:43,310 --> 00:00:46,978 YEAH, I KNEW YOU'D LIKE IT. THAT'S WHY I VOLUNTEERED YOU TO DIRECT OUR SCHOOL PLAY. 13 00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:50,115 - ME, DIRECT? AS IN, CONTROL? - YEAH, IT'S ROMEO AND JULIET. 14 00:00:50,117 --> 00:00:53,351 AUGUST WANTS TO PLAY JULIET, AND IF YOU DIRECT, YOU CAN CAST ME AS ROMEO. 15 00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:55,821 I'LL DO IT! 16 00:00:55,823 --> 00:00:58,890 THAT'S SO GREAT, 'CAUSE THERE ARE SOME MAJOR MAKE-OUT SCENES. 17 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:03,895 AND ALSO SOME REALLY POWERFUL EMOTIONAL STUFF. 18 00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,897 I GET TO DIE. 19 00:01:05,899 --> 00:01:09,000 I CAN JUST SEE IT NOW ON THE MARQUEE-- 20 00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:11,036 “DICK SOLOMON DIRECTS A DICK SOLOMON PRODUCTION 21 00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:14,505 OF DICK SOLOMON'S ROMEO AND JULIET.” 22 00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:17,142 - YEAH, WHATEVER. - HMM. 23 00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:20,111 “NATURALLY, AN ACTOR MUST PLAY THE TRUTH OF THE SCENE 24 00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:23,014 AND NOT INDULGE IN EMOTION FOR ITS OWN SAKE.” 25 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:25,083 WELL, ANYONE KNOWS THAT. 26 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,085 I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE INTERESTED IN ACTING. 27 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,888 WELL, YES, I AM, BUT WHAT I REALLY WANT TO DO IS DIRECT. 28 00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:33,225 I'M NOT SAYING THAT I COULDN'T ACT. 29 00:01:33,227 --> 00:01:35,560 I COULD BE VERY CONVINCING. LIGHT COMEDY-- 30 00:01:35,562 --> 00:01:38,096 ( forced laughter ) 31 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,565 HORROR-- ( hysterical screaming ) 32 00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:43,635 TRAGEDY. ( sobbing ) 33 00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:46,471 - MORNING. - LOOK, MARY! 34 00:01:46,473 --> 00:01:49,975 I'M DISTRAUGHT! 35 00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:52,710 OR AM I? 36 00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:55,913 - OKAY. YOU HAVE A REGISTERED LETTER. - OH, WHAT IS IT? 37 00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:00,819 DAMN, DAMN, DAMN! 38 00:02:00,821 --> 00:02:04,223 I OWE $1,500 IN PARKING TICKETS. 39 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,758 SO THEY FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH YOU. 40 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,760 GUESS I'LL HAVE TO DIP INTO MY SAVINGS. 41 00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:12,363 OH, NO, NO, I COULDN'T BEAR TO LET YOU DO THAT. I'LL PAY THEM. 42 00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:15,833 - YOU WILL? - NO. I'M ACTING! 43 00:02:15,835 --> 00:02:17,836 ( '50s rock music playing ) 44 00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:49,434 ( mouthing words ) 45 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:57,509 Man on videotape: Lo, and resolve itself... 46 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,977 DICK! DICK, GUESS WHAT? 47 00:02:59,979 --> 00:03:02,280 MS. DUBCEK'S GIVING ME ALL HER OLD JUNK. 48 00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:04,282 YEAH. 49 00:03:04,284 --> 00:03:07,185 YEAH, I'VE GOT SOME FRIENDS DROPPING BY I HAVEN'T SEEN IN 10 YEARS. 50 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,187 I'M CLEANING OUT THE PLACE. 51 00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:13,057 THERE'S SOME REALLY GREAT STUFF IN HERE. 52 00:03:13,059 --> 00:03:15,293 DR. SOLOMON, IF YOU WANT TO COME DOWN, 53 00:03:15,295 --> 00:03:17,896 - I'LL LET YOU RUMMAGE THROUGH MY TCHOTCHKES. - OH, I'M-- 54 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:21,099 I'M FLATTERED, MRS. DUBCEK, BUT I THINK OF YOU MORE AS A FRIEND. 55 00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:27,505 - WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING? - OH, IT'S HAMLET WITH LAWRENCE “OLIVER.” 56 00:03:27,507 --> 00:03:29,674 I'VE WATCHED IT THREE TIMES ALREADY. 57 00:03:29,676 --> 00:03:32,143 HUH. I LIKE THE WAY HE MAKES HIS VOICE 58 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,479 - GO UP AND DOWN LIKE THAT. - I KNOW. 59 00:03:34,481 --> 00:03:36,949 IT MAKES EVERYTHING HE SAYS SOUND SO... 60 00:03:36,951 --> 00:03:39,351 FRUITY? 61 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:41,286 - NO, IMPORTANT! - OH. 62 00:03:42,789 --> 00:03:45,390 HEY, GUYS. YOU STILL WATCHING THAT STUFF? 63 00:03:45,392 --> 00:03:47,392 IT'S NOT “STUFF,” IT'S HAMLET. 64 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,628 YEAH, BUT WHY DO THEY HAVE TO TALK THAT WAY? I CAN'T FOLLOW THE STORY. 65 00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:53,331 HAMLET? THE STORY IS AS OLD AS TIME. 66 00:03:53,333 --> 00:03:56,268 PRETTY-BOY SON HAS A RICH DADDY AND A GOOD-LOOKING MOMMY. 67 00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:59,071 THE UNCLE KNOCKS OFF DADDY, MARRIES MOMMY, 68 00:03:59,073 --> 00:04:02,541 AND HE CUTS PRETTY BOY OUT OF THE ACTION. 69 00:04:02,543 --> 00:04:06,044 SO JUNIOR GOES CRAZY AND HE KILLS THEM ALL. 70 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,747 NOT A PRETTY STORY, BUT THERE IT IS. 71 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:16,087 ISN'T THAT THE PLOT TO THE LION KING? 72 00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:20,692 OH, PLEASE! 73 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:24,762 - I NEED YOUR HELP, DON. I'M IN A BIT OF A SCRAPE. - FIGURES. 74 00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:27,532 DAMES LIKE YOU ALWAYS ATTRACT TROUBLE. 75 00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:31,436 I GOT ANOTHER PARKING TICKET. CAN YOU FIX IT, DON, OR... 76 00:04:31,438 --> 00:04:33,772 AM I LEANING TOO HARD? 77 00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:38,343 GO AHEAD AND LEAN, BABY. 78 00:04:38,345 --> 00:04:40,512 - DON'LL MAKE THE TICKET GO AWAY. - ( gasps ) 79 00:04:40,514 --> 00:04:42,814 YOU CAN MAKE PARKING TICKETS DISAPPEAR? 80 00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:45,417 OF COURSE HE CAN. DON HAS CONNECTIONS DOWNTOWN. 81 00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,419 I HAVE A FRIEND WHO HAS SOME PARKING TICKETS. 82 00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,987 - I CAN'T ALWAYS-- - DON CAN FIX IT, RIGHT? 83 00:04:49,989 --> 00:04:52,189 - WELL, UH-- - RIGHT? 84 00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:55,293 - SURE. - OH, THIS IS JUST GREAT! 85 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,228 OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL MARY. 86 00:05:14,682 --> 00:05:17,649 SOME OF YOU WILL NOT BE CAST. 87 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:20,485 THOSE WILL BE THE LUCKY ONES. 88 00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:22,688 OVER THE LONG AND GRUELING REHEARSAL PERIOD, 89 00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:25,256 I WILL BE YOUR DIRECTOR, YOUR TEACHER, YOUR MENTOR, 90 00:05:25,258 --> 00:05:27,358 YOUR MOTHER, YOUR FATHER, YOUR LOVER! 91 00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:34,065 MY ASSISTANT, NINA, WILL READ YOUR NAMES. 92 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,234 - NINA? - OKAY, UM, 93 00:05:36,236 --> 00:05:38,770 TIMOTHY MAFFERTY-- HE'S READING MERCUTIO. 94 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:42,307 ( clears throat ) “TRUE, I TALK OF DREAMS, WHICH-- 95 00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:44,842 YES, YES, YES, OF COURSE. 96 00:05:44,844 --> 00:05:46,945 BUT HAVE YOU TRIED IT LIKE THIS? 97 00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:48,947 MAKE YOUR VOICE GO HIGH, AND THEN SUDDENLY 98 00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:51,249 BRING IT DOWN. 99 00:05:51,251 --> 00:05:54,485 HERE. “TRUE, I SPEAK OF DREAMS WHICH ARE BUT CHILDREN 100 00:05:54,487 --> 00:05:57,455 OF AN IDLE ( low register ) BRAIN, 101 00:05:57,457 --> 00:05:59,190 BEGOT OF NOTHING BUT VAIN FAN... 102 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,359 ( low register ) ...TASIES.” 103 00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:03,695 FROM NOW ON, I WANT EVERYONE TO TRY TO SPEAK THAT WAY. 104 00:06:03,697 --> 00:06:05,697 OH, OH, AND USE YOUR HANDS A LOT. 105 00:06:05,699 --> 00:06:07,732 WE'RE ACTING. REMEMBER THAT. 106 00:06:07,734 --> 00:06:10,067 REMIND ME NEVER TO ASK YOU FOR ANOTHER FAVOR AGAIN. 107 00:06:10,069 --> 00:06:12,971 - YOU WEREN'T RIGHT FOR THE ROLE. - HEY, HOW'D THE AUDITION GO? 108 00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:16,641 I LOST THE PART. THE DIRECTOR DIDN'T THINK I WAS GOOD ENOUGH. 109 00:06:16,643 --> 00:06:19,478 YOU WERE GOOD. YOU HAD DELIVERY, PRESENCE, TIMING. 110 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,881 YOU JUST DIDN'T HAVE THAT INDEFINABLE SOMETHING EXTRA. 111 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:27,018 I WAS JUST TRYING TO SCORE SOME POINTS WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? 112 00:06:27,020 --> 00:06:29,554 ROMEO AND JULIET IS A SHAKESPEARIAN TRAGEDY. 113 00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:32,357 IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A HORNY TEENAGER AND HIS GIRLFRIEND. 114 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,631 GO AHEAD, DR. ALBRIGHT. 115 00:06:39,633 --> 00:06:43,435 HELLO, DON. DR. SOLOMON THOUGHT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP ME WITH THIS. 116 00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:46,304 WELL, I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO BEND A FEW-- 117 00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:50,441 ( gasps ) YOU HAVE $1,500 IN FINES. 118 00:06:50,443 --> 00:06:54,412 - AND, POOF, THEY'RE GONE. - I CAN'T “POOF” THIS MANY TICKETS. 119 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,748 ONE MORE, AND SHE'D BE IN HANDCUFFS. 120 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,883 - I WAS GOING TO PAY THEM. - WHAT HAPPENED? 121 00:06:58,885 --> 00:07:01,219 I DIDN'T. 122 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,888 WELL, MAYBE IF YOU GOT A LENIENT JUDGE, 123 00:07:03,890 --> 00:07:06,090 HE MIGHT REDUCE THE FINE. 124 00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:09,260 YOUR COURT DATE IS ON THE 27th. 125 00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:11,663 TWENTY-SEVENTH-- OH. 126 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,765 JUDGE DEBELKO. 127 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:16,100 - SOUNDS BAD. IS IT BAD? - IT'S BAD. 128 00:07:16,102 --> 00:07:18,369 YOU'D BE BETTER OFF WITH JUDGE CONTI. 129 00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:20,872 NOW, WHEN I GO TO COURT, SHOULD I APOLOGIZE 130 00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,775 TO JUDGE CONTI OR JUST SHOW SOME REMORSE? 131 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:27,745 ACTUALLY, IT MIGHT BE HELPFUL IF YOU'D SHOW SOME CLEAVAGE. 132 00:07:27,747 --> 00:07:30,115 - HE CAN'T BE SERIOUS. - TRUST ME. 133 00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,350 WE'RE GONNA PAINT YOUR FACE AND HIKE YOUR PUPPIES. I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. 134 00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:34,218 - RIGHT DON? - ( chuckling ) 135 00:07:36,857 --> 00:07:40,492 “O ROMEO, ROMEO, WHEREFORE ART THOU”-- 136 00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:42,494 YES, YES. VERY LOVELY. 137 00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:50,735 DARLING, WHAT ARE YOU PLAYING? FEAR, LOVE, LUST? 138 00:07:50,737 --> 00:07:53,838 BECAUSE THE AUDIENCE IS PLAYING BOREDOM. 139 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,007 I'M PLAYING JULIET, 140 00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:59,878 - AND IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE WHEN YOU-- - PROPS? WHERE'S PROPS? 141 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:02,213 - WHAT? - THIS CANDLESTICK 142 00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,816 IS 18th-CENTURY ENGLISH. 143 00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:08,219 - SHAKESPEARE WAS ENGLISH. - TRUE. 144 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:10,221 BUT THE PLAY IS SET IN VERONA. 145 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,690 PLEASE, TOMMY, I'M STRUGGLING TO WRING A PERFORMANCE OUT OF THIS 146 00:08:12,692 --> 00:08:15,527 RAGTAG COMPANY OF MANNEQUINS FROM THE JUNIOR MISS DEPARTMENT. 147 00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:19,597 I CAN'T DO YOUR JOB TOO. IN THE FUTURE I SUGGEST YOU LEAVE IT LAY. 148 00:08:19,599 --> 00:08:22,066 NOW, EVERYONE WATCH ONCE AGAIN AS I ACT OUT THE PLAY 149 00:08:22,068 --> 00:08:24,235 IN ITS ENTIRETY. 150 00:08:26,273 --> 00:08:28,974 NINA, NINA, READ ME IN. 151 00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:33,745 CURTAIN RISES. A BIG, POMPOUS BLOWHARD 152 00:08:33,747 --> 00:08:35,946 FLOUNCES ONTO THE STAGE. 153 00:08:45,392 --> 00:08:47,592 LISTEN, I'M REALLY SORRY 154 00:08:47,594 --> 00:08:50,761 YOU HAD TO BE THE PROP GUY, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, 155 00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:52,763 IF YOU WERE CAST AS ROMEO, 156 00:08:52,765 --> 00:08:55,800 WE COULD HAVE DONE SOME SERIOUS MAKING OUT. 157 00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:59,503 WE-- WE COULD MAKE OUT RIGHT NOW. 158 00:09:00,707 --> 00:09:03,942 WITH THE PROP GUY? HA! SORRY. 159 00:09:05,812 --> 00:09:08,212 HEY, WHAT YOU MAKIN'? 160 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:10,848 AN AUTHENTIC RENAISSANCE SLEEPING POTION. 161 00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:13,818 NOW I JUST HAVE TO FIND AN 15th-CENTURY ITALIAN VIAL. 162 00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:18,255 OH. WELL, I FIND GALILEO “VILE.” 163 00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:26,263 WELL, THIS IS THE FINAL BOX. 164 00:09:26,265 --> 00:09:29,200 - I AM BEAT. - OH, THANK YOU. YOU WANT SOME JUICE? 165 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:33,504 OH, PLEASE. I'LL HAVE TO INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIENDS WHEN THEY DROP BY. 166 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:35,807 THEY'RE LOVELY, VERY NICE. 167 00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:38,042 THERE'S DIANE AND HER HUSBAND 168 00:09:38,044 --> 00:09:40,378 AND JIMMY. 169 00:09:44,151 --> 00:09:47,285 JIMMY'S AN OLD FLAME. I KNEW HE'D COME BACK FOR MORE. 170 00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:50,355 COME BACK FOR MORE WHAT? 171 00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:54,492 I SAID, “COME BACK FOR MORE WHAT?” 172 00:09:55,962 --> 00:09:59,497 - ( screaming ) - WHAT HAPPENED? 173 00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:03,234 OH, GREAT! YOU LET HER DRINK THE PROP? 174 00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:05,770 WELL, AT LEAST WE KNOW IT WORKS. 175 00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:16,047 I BEG FOR JUSTICE, WHICH THOU, PRINCE, MUST GIVE. 176 00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:19,216 ROMEO SLEW TYBALT, ROMEO MUST NOT LIVE. 177 00:10:19,218 --> 00:10:21,218 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, 178 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:24,022 NO, NO, NO! 179 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,062 YOU ARE LADY CAPULET. 180 00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:33,831 YOUR KINSMAN TYBALT HAS BEEN KILLED! HE'S DEAD! 181 00:10:33,833 --> 00:10:38,369 YOU'RE ASKING FOR JUSTICE, NOT EXTRA PICKLES ON YOUR HAPPY BURGER. JUSTICE! 182 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:42,140 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO ACT! NOW BLEED! JUST ACT! NOW ACT! 183 00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:45,944 - I CAN'T ACT, DR. SOLOMON. - YES, YOU CAN! 184 00:10:45,946 --> 00:10:49,881 I CAN'T-- I CAN'T ACT. 185 00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,816 DO YOUR LINES. NOW, NOW! 186 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,786 I BEG FOR JUSTICE, 187 00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:58,156 WHICH THOU, PRINCE, MUST GIVE. 188 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,158 ROMEO SLEW TYBALT, 189 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:03,094 ROMEO MUST NOT LIVE. 190 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:12,970 I WANT EVERYONE TO TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT CHERYL, 191 00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:17,041 BECAUSE CHERYL 192 00:11:17,043 --> 00:11:18,976 IS AN ACTOR. 193 00:11:21,748 --> 00:11:24,982 HELLO? DAMN IT, VOICE MAIL. 194 00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:27,752 - ( beeps ) - HELLO, DR. ALBRIGHT? 195 00:11:27,754 --> 00:11:29,687 THIS IS SERGEANT-- 196 00:11:31,891 --> 00:11:35,492 THIS IS A FRIEND WITH A MESSAGE. 197 00:11:35,494 --> 00:11:39,630 DON'T COME TO COURT TODAY. THERE'S BEEN A CHANGE IN PLANS. 198 00:11:42,268 --> 00:11:44,568 NEXT, DR. MARY ALBRIGHT? 199 00:11:44,570 --> 00:11:47,304 HERE, YOUR HONOR. 200 00:11:55,481 --> 00:11:58,283 SALLY, DIDN'T YOU GET MY MESSAGES? 201 00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:02,487 - WHAT MESSAGES? - THEY SWITCHED JUDGES. I'VE BEEN CALLING ALL MORNING. 202 00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,790 YOU'RE CHARGED WITH $1,500 IN OUTSTANDING FINES. 203 00:12:05,792 --> 00:12:08,560 - HOW DO YOU PLEAD? - ALL I CAN SAY 204 00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,763 IS I'M SO SORRY, 205 00:12:11,765 --> 00:12:15,332 AND I THROW MYSELF ON THE MERCY OF THE COURT. 206 00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:17,368 REALLY. 207 00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:20,505 DR. ALBRIGHT, WILL YOU PLEASE APPROACH THIS BENCH? 208 00:12:24,944 --> 00:12:28,746 YOU HAVE A VERY BIG BENCH. 209 00:12:28,748 --> 00:12:31,882 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS LITTLE CHARADE IS ABOUT. 210 00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:35,553 - WE'RE TRYING TO INFLUENCE YOU. - SERGEANT, PLEASE REMOVE THAT WOMAN. 211 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:39,290 DOESN'T HE KNOW WHO YOU ARE? YOU HAVE A GUN, DON! USE IT! 212 00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:44,628 DR. ALBRIGHT, YOU HAVE INFLUENCED THIS COURT. 213 00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:46,997 - REALLY? - I AM FINING YOU THE FULL AMOUNT 214 00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:48,999 PLUS COURT COSTS 215 00:12:49,001 --> 00:12:52,837 PLUS $500 FOR CONTEMPT. NEXT. 216 00:12:52,839 --> 00:12:54,472 - BUT, YOUR HONOR-- - NEXT. 217 00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:59,611 THANK YOU SO MUCH! 218 00:12:59,613 --> 00:13:02,947 THE ONE TIME THAT I CAN HELP THE WOMAN I LOVE, AND YOUR FRIEND DON FALLS THROUGH! 219 00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,216 IT WAS JUST AN IRONIC TWIST OF FATE. DON'T BLAME DON. 220 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:07,819 I DON'T WANT YOU HANGING AROUND THAT POLICE STATION ANY MORE, YOU HEAR ME? 221 00:13:07,821 --> 00:13:10,454 - FINE, I'LL GO TO HIS PLACE. - OH, NO, YOU WON'T. 222 00:13:10,456 --> 00:13:14,425 - OH, YES, I WILL! - YOU HOLD IT RIGHT THERE. I'M NOT FINISHED WITH YOU YET. 223 00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:17,328 OH, UH, HEY, MRS. DUBCEK, WOULD YOU MIND-- 224 00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:22,433 ( gasps ) MY GOD, SHE'S DEAD! 225 00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:27,539 OH, WHAT IS IT? OH, HER. 226 00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:31,342 - SHE'S NOT DEAD. - BUT SHE'S COLD. SHE'S NOT BREATHING. 227 00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:33,777 OH, YOU GUYS. SHE'S FINE. 228 00:13:33,779 --> 00:13:35,913 SHE DRANK THE POTION. 229 00:13:35,915 --> 00:13:38,716 THE SLEEPING POTION? FROM ROMEO AND JULIET? 230 00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,620 WELL, GUESS WE CAN TAKE HER DOWNSTAIRS UNTIL SHE COMES TO. 231 00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:45,356 HERE, HARRY, GET HER FEET. SALLY, HELP WITH THE DOOR. 232 00:13:47,693 --> 00:13:49,860 Woman: HI, BABY, IT'S US! 233 00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:52,931 - All: HI! - GET HER INSIDE! GET HER INSIDE! 234 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:55,666 - WHO ARE THOSE PEOPLE? - OH, WELL, UM, 235 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,968 IT'S DIANE AND HER HUSBAND AND JIMMY, 236 00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:00,171 AN OLD FLAME COMING BACK FOR MORE. 237 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,008 THIS IS JUST GREAT! DIDN'T YOU MAKE AN ANTIDOTE? 238 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:06,610 HMM, IS THERE ONE IN THE PLAY? 239 00:14:06,612 --> 00:14:10,281 IF THEY SEE HER LIKE THIS, THE SPIT IS REALLY GONNA HIT THE FAN. 240 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,250 - WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? - WAIT! I HAVE A BRILLIANT IDEA. 241 00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:16,688 HARRY, DID YOU KNOW THAT IN A THEATER OF SHAKESPEARE'S DAY 242 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:18,756 - THE WOMEN'S ROLES WERE PLAYED BY MEN? - REALLY? 243 00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:21,225 YEAH, AND THEY ALSO TIED UP BEARS AND THREW ROCKS AT 'EM. 244 00:14:21,227 --> 00:14:23,928 ( exclaims ) 245 00:14:23,930 --> 00:14:26,864 IT'S THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME, HARRY, AN ACTOR'S DREAM. 246 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,967 - COME ON, LET'S GET HER IN THE BATHROOM. - I DON'T WANT TO! 247 00:14:29,969 --> 00:14:33,872 DICK, YOU CAN'T PASS HARRY OFF AS MRS. DUBCEK! THEY'LL KNOW! 248 00:14:33,874 --> 00:14:36,741 AH! YOU FORGET, THEY HAVEN'T SEEN HER IN OVER 10 YEARS. 249 00:14:36,743 --> 00:14:39,343 - BESIDES, HARRY HAS A SECRET WEAPON. - WHAT? 250 00:14:39,345 --> 00:14:41,545 A GREAT DIRECTOR! 251 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:44,449 HELLO? ANYBODY HOME? 252 00:14:44,451 --> 00:14:47,751 UH, NO, NOBODY'S HERE. WHY DON'T WE GO INTO THE LIVING ROOM, OKAY? 253 00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:49,853 YEAH, THIS WAY. RIGHT, MOVE ALONG. FASTER. 254 00:14:49,855 --> 00:14:51,956 ( chuckling ) OKAY, RIGHT THERE. 255 00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:54,792 WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A SEAT, MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE? 256 00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:56,794 I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE GOT SOMEBODY 257 00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:59,830 TO PAY RENT FOR THIS CRAP-HOLE. 258 00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:02,133 - YEAH, EVERY MONTH. - YEAH, 259 00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,502 - AND WE JUST LOVE MRS. DUBCEK. - OHH. 260 00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:07,538 EVEN MORE SINCE THE ACCIDENT. 261 00:15:07,540 --> 00:15:09,474 - ( shaver buzzing ) - “ACCIDENT”? 262 00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:13,177 YES. CHANGED HER, CONSIDERABLY. 263 00:15:13,179 --> 00:15:15,480 UH, AND, UH, SHE REFUSED 264 00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:18,148 THE ESTROGEN THERAPY. 265 00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:21,285 BUT DON'T MENTION IT TO HER. SHE'S VERY SENSITIVE. 266 00:15:21,287 --> 00:15:23,554 - IS THERE A BATHROOM AROUND-- - Both: NO! 267 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:26,991 - WE USE THE ONE AT THE GAS STATION. - YEAH. 268 00:15:26,993 --> 00:15:30,194 EXCUSE ME. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. TALK TO THEM. 269 00:15:30,196 --> 00:15:34,198 Sally: WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG? WHOA, MAMA! 270 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:36,366 Dick: DO YOU MIND? AN ACTOR NEEDS TIME TO PREPARE. 271 00:15:36,368 --> 00:15:39,003 Harry: DICK, I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS. 272 00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:41,739 Dick: SHOW TIME! NOW, LET'S GO. 273 00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,741 OH, AND HARRY, REMEMBER, 274 00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:46,143 YOU'RE GOING OUT THERE A YOUNGSTER, BUT YOU'RE COMING BACK A STAR! 275 00:15:46,145 --> 00:15:48,079 NOW, LET'S GO. 276 00:16:05,064 --> 00:16:07,664 MAMIE, HONEY! 277 00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,735 WELL, 278 00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:14,038 I SEE YOU'VE MET MY TENANTS. 279 00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,741 OH, UH, WE LOVE MRS. DUBCEK. 280 00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:20,811 - HI, MAMIE. - LOVELY TATTOO. VERY NICE. 281 00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:25,315 I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR BEING DISTANT, 282 00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:27,451 NOT AFTER WHAT WE WENT THROUGH. 283 00:16:27,453 --> 00:16:29,453 SHE AND JIMMY USED TO BE ENGAGED. 284 00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:31,822 OH, YOU'RE JIMMY! 285 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:35,059 SHE MENTIONED YOU JUST THE OTHER EVENING. 286 00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:38,596 I JUST WANTED TO SAY THANKS 287 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:41,332 FOR KICKING ME OUT ALL THOSE YEARS AGO. 288 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:44,468 THAT WAS THE WAKE-UP CALL THAT FINALLY GOT ME OFF THE SAUCE. 289 00:16:44,470 --> 00:16:46,136 - AWW! - THAT'S SO SWEET. 290 00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:47,404 FORGIVE ME? 291 00:16:47,406 --> 00:16:50,274 SURE. 292 00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,750 STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT! 293 00:17:02,054 --> 00:17:04,721 - ( groans ) - UH, UH-- 294 00:17:04,723 --> 00:17:08,059 I'M SORRY. SHE HAD SOMETHING CRAWLING UP HER CHIN. 295 00:17:08,061 --> 00:17:10,361 WHY DON'T YOU ALL GO DOWNSTAIRS 296 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:12,363 AND, UH, GET REACQUAINTED? 297 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:14,865 MRS. DUBCEK, THERE WE ARE. 298 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:18,536 BYE, BYE, NOW. BYE, BYE. BYE, BYE, NOW. 299 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,538 MANHANDLE ME AGAIN, 300 00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,673 AND YOU'LL ANSWER TO JIMMY. 301 00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:32,350 WE ARE BREATHING, WE ARE BREATHING. 302 00:17:32,352 --> 00:17:34,752 - ( inhaling ) - ALL RIGHT! 303 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:37,488 WHICH ONE OF YOU JAMOKES IS SOLOMON? 304 00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,793 - THAT WOULD BE I. - YOU'RE OUT. 305 00:17:41,795 --> 00:17:44,829 - OUT? WHO ARE YOU? - I'M COACH MAFFERTY. 306 00:17:44,831 --> 00:17:46,831 MY WIFE'S WITH THE P.T.A. 307 00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:49,066 AND THERE'S A LOT OF COMPLAINTS THAT THESE KIDS ARE COMING HOME 308 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:52,169 WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM, AND THEY'RE WETTING THEIR BEDS AND STUFF LIKE THAT. 309 00:17:52,171 --> 00:17:55,840 - SO YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE NEW DIRECTOR! - THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. 310 00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:58,576 - SORRY, SPIELBERG, YOU'RE OUT. - ( cheering softly ) 311 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:01,212 NO, NO. DO NOT WEEP FOR ME. 312 00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:03,780 I HUMBLY QUIT THE STAGE. 313 00:18:03,782 --> 00:18:06,451 NO, NO, NO TEARS. 314 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,986 THE THEATER IS A CRUEL MISTRESS. 315 00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:12,122 ADIEU, ADIEU. REMEMBER ME. 316 00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,160 ( blowing whistle ) OKAY, KIDS, LET'S HUDDLE UP. 317 00:18:18,031 --> 00:18:21,565 LET'S BACK IT UP TO, “I PRAY YOU, GOOD MERCUTIO, LET'S RETIRE.” 318 00:18:21,567 --> 00:18:23,568 OKAY, NOW, WHO'S PLAYING MERCUTIO? 319 00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:26,537 UH, COACH MAFFERTY, IF I MAY, 320 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:29,774 I THINK THERE IS SOMEONE HERE WHO CAN PLAY MERCUTIO. 321 00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:36,013 AAH! I AM HURT! 322 00:18:36,015 --> 00:18:39,517 AYE, AYE, A SCRATCH, A SCRATCH. 323 00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:42,386 MARRIAGE IS ENOUGH. 'TWILL SERVE. 324 00:18:42,388 --> 00:18:44,989 ASK FOR ME TOMORROW AND YOU WILL FIND ME 325 00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:48,258 A GRAVE ( low register ) MAN. 326 00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:53,363 ROMEO, BRAVE MERCUTIO IS DEAD. 327 00:18:53,365 --> 00:18:55,465 A PLAGUE O' BOTH YOUR HOUSES, 328 00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:57,534 FOR THEY HAVE MADE WORMS' MEAT... 329 00:18:57,536 --> 00:18:59,770 OF ME-E-E! 330 00:19:02,075 --> 00:19:03,874 - ROMEO-- - I HAVE IT, 331 00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:06,310 AND SOUNDLY TOO. 332 00:19:06,312 --> 00:19:09,847 YOUR... HOUSES! 333 00:19:09,849 --> 00:19:11,782 ( coughing ) 334 00:19:16,055 --> 00:19:17,988 I'M DEAD NOW. 335 00:19:30,770 --> 00:19:33,704 WELL, HERE IT IS-- THE REVIEW IN MY HIGH SCHOOL PAPER. 336 00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:37,675 THE REVIEW? ( reading quickly ) 337 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,677 AH, AH, AH. 338 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:42,980 “DICK SOLOMON'S OVER-THE-TOP PERFORMANCE 339 00:19:44,784 --> 00:19:48,152 GAVE NEW MEANING TO THE WORD 'TRAGEDY.'" 340 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:53,691 I HAVE REDEFINED MY ART, 341 00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,993 - AND SO I RETIRE. - NO! 342 00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:58,596 NO, NO, PLEASE, PLEASE. TO GO ANY FURTHER WOULD JEOPARDIZE THE MISSION. 343 00:19:58,598 --> 00:20:01,365 TOMMY, HANG UP MY CODPIECE. 344 00:20:01,367 --> 00:20:05,036 DICK, I'M NOT YOUR PROP LACKEY ANYMORE. 345 00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:09,006 BESIDES, AS OF NEXT MONTH, YOUR CODPIECE TURNS INTO SANCHO PANZA'S HAT. 346 00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,410 I WONDER WHAT DON'S DOING? 347 00:20:13,412 --> 00:20:16,547 “DON.” I NEVER WANT TO HEAR THE NAME “DON” MENTIONED IN THIS HOUSE AGAIN. 348 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,549 NOW, THAT'S AN ORDER! 349 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,484 - HI, THERE. - ( all gasp ) 350 00:20:22,755 --> 00:20:24,755 WHAT AM I DOING ON THE ROOF? 351 00:20:24,757 --> 00:20:27,458 YOU KNOW, WE WERE ABOUT TO ASK YOU THE SAME THING. 352 00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:31,161 - YEAH. - YOU SHOULD BE INSIDE. MRS. DUBCEK, LET US HELP YOU. 353 00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:36,033 OH, DON, DON. 354 00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:39,069 WHY SHOULD THE NAME “DON” MAKE DICK SO ANGRY? 355 00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:43,307 - Don: SALLY. - WHO'S THERE? 356 00:20:43,309 --> 00:20:47,010 I WOULD TELL YOU, BUT MY NAME IS SO OFFENSIVE TO YOUR FAMILY 357 00:20:47,012 --> 00:20:49,013 I DARE NOT SPEAK IT ALOUD. 358 00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:51,015 DON, IF THEY FOUND YOU, 359 00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:52,749 THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT THEY'D DO TO YOU. 360 00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:55,286 I'M OKAY. I HAVE NIGHT'S CLOAK 361 00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:57,688 TO HIDE ME FROM THEIR EYES. 362 00:20:57,690 --> 00:21:00,691 AND IF THOU LOVE ME, LET THEM FIND ME HERE. 363 00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:03,627 MY LIFE WERE BETTER ENDED BY THEIR HATE, 364 00:21:03,629 --> 00:21:05,762 THAN DEATH PROLONGED 365 00:21:05,764 --> 00:21:09,133 WANTING OF THY LOVE. 366 00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:11,535 WOW, THAT'S SO ROMANTIC. 367 00:21:11,537 --> 00:21:13,971 AH, WELL, 368 00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:15,906 I WROTE IT MYSELF. 369 00:21:22,682 --> 00:21:24,749 I'VE ASKED YOU BACK HERE FOR A REASON. 370 00:21:24,751 --> 00:21:28,085 YOU SEEM LIKE AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU AN OFFER. 371 00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:31,622 I WILL LOWER THE FINES, REMOVE THE CONTEMPT CHARGE, 372 00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:35,059 AND ELIMINATE THE COURT COSTS ON ONE CONDITION-- 373 00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:37,761 YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL SPEND 374 00:21:37,763 --> 00:21:40,864 THE WEEKEND WITH ME AT A HOTEL IN CHICAGO. 375 00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:45,602 - THE AMBASSADOR EAST? - THE SHERATON. 376 00:21:47,406 --> 00:21:49,340 NO.