1 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:06,171 I HAVE GOT 2 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,540 THE PERFECT PRESENT FOR YOU. 3 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,942 - A PRESENT? WHAT FOR? - CHRISTMAS. 4 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,613 WHAT, YOU DIDN'T GET ME ANYTHING? 5 00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:18,417 ( scoffs ) NO, ARE YOU KIDDING? 6 00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:20,519 NO, OF C-- NOT GET YOU ANYTHING? 7 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,887 OF COURSE I GOT YOU SOMETHING. I, UH... 8 00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:25,357 I GOT YOU THE PERFECT SOMETHING. IT'S PERFECT, 9 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,260 AND IT'S, UH, IT'S REALLY SOMETHING. 10 00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:31,130 YOU'RE SO SWEET. 11 00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:38,437 ALL RIGHT, WE ARE WIRED. 12 00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:41,707 - CAN I PLUG IT IN? CAN I PLUG IT IN? - KNOCK YOURSELF OUT. 13 00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:45,544 ( gasps ) 14 00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:49,014 - IT'S MAGNIFICENT! - YOU AIN'T SEEN NOTHIN' YET. 15 00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:51,016 BY THE TIME I'M THROUGH WITH THIS JOINT, 16 00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:53,351 THEY'RE GONNA BE ABLE TO SEE IT FROM THE SHUTTLE. 17 00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:56,254 TOMMY! 18 00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:00,592 - LOOK WHAT I GOT. - A STICK? 19 00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:02,594 NO! 20 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,364 IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE! 21 00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:08,367 YOU'LL SEE. ALL IT NEEDS IS A LITTLE LOVE. 22 00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:10,802 DICK! DICK! 23 00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:14,473 - YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE WHAT WE GOT AT THE MALL. - A STICK? 24 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:17,475 IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE! 25 00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:20,545 THAT THING? WE ARE SOLOMONS, HARRY. 26 00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:23,481 WE SHOULD HAVE THE BIGGEST, NOBLEST TREE IN ALL OF OHIO. 27 00:01:23,483 --> 00:01:27,252 FORGET THE STICK, DICK. WE FOUND JOBS. 28 00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:30,255 THE MALL IS FULL OF THEM-- CHRISTMAS JOBS. 29 00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,925 YOU ARE LOOKIN' AT A PROFESSIONAL GIFT-WRAPPER. 30 00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:35,827 AND I AM THE EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT 31 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,664 TO MR. SANTA CLAUS. 32 00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:41,933 I'VE HEARD OF HIM. HE'S THE MUCKEDY-MUCK IN CHARGE OF THE WHOLE SHEBANG. 33 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:45,737 YEAH, WELL, I'M KIND OF HIS RIGHT-HAND ELF. 34 00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:47,772 THIS IS WONDERFUL. IT'S A CELEBRATION. 35 00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:50,341 - TOMMY, WHEN DID WE FIRST LAND ON THIS PLANET? - JANUARY 9th. 36 00:01:50,343 --> 00:01:52,344 IT WAS A TUESDAY, EXACTLY 8:30 P.M. 37 00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,279 7:30 CENTRAL. 38 00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:59,284 DO YOU REALIZE WE'RE COMING UP ON OUR ANNIVERSARY? 39 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:02,987 AN EARTH YEAR ON EARTH, AND EVERYTHING IS FINALLY COMING TOGETHER. 40 00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:06,191 IT'S AS IF ALL OF THE EARTH WERE THROWING US A PARTY. 41 00:02:06,193 --> 00:02:08,860 SUDDENLY I FEEL SO... SO... 42 00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,862 HUMAN. 43 00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:13,231 OH, GUYS! COME HERE. 44 00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,601 ( snap ) 45 00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,741 OH, GREAT. NOW IT'S A STICK. 46 00:02:23,743 --> 00:02:25,677 ( '50s rock music playing ) 47 00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:05,950 WEEDS. 48 00:03:05,952 --> 00:03:08,587 OKAY, DICK, IT'S TIME TO PICK YOUR SECRET SANTA. 49 00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,923 IT'S TIME TO WHO FOR WHA-WHA? 50 00:03:10,925 --> 00:03:14,660 - PICK A NAME-- THAT'S WHO YOU BUY A PRESENT FOR. - PRESENTS? FOR CHRISTMAS? 51 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,728 THE BOWL IS HEAVY. 52 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:19,030 I'M SORRY, JUDITH. 53 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,100 LET'S PLAY SECRET SANTA. 54 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,472 DR. ANTHONY? I BARELY KNOW HIM. 55 00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:29,474 ( women exclaiming ) 56 00:03:29,476 --> 00:03:32,810 GLANSBERG, CHILTON, LANELL-- 57 00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:36,314 DICK, YOU DON'T GET TO CHOOSE YOUR PERSON. IT'S RANDOM. 58 00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:39,083 YOU PICK ONE NAME, AND IT'S A SECRET UNTIL THE PARTY. 59 00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:40,752 OH... 60 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,804 WELL, I PICKED MY NAME, 61 00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:03,307 AND WHOEVER IT IS HASN'T THE FOGGIEST IDEA. 62 00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:07,044 FOR NOW UNTIL THE PARTY, THEIR LIFE WILL BE 63 00:04:07,046 --> 00:04:09,814 A TOPSY-TURVY LABYRINTH OF MYSTERY 64 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:11,750 AND INTRIGUE. 65 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,254 FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET HIM DRAW AGAIN. 66 00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:25,764 WELL, HELLO-HO-HO, EVERYBODY, 67 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,500 AND WELCOME TO SANTA'S TOYLAND. 68 00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:31,870 PRESENTS, TOYS AND FUN FOR CHILDREN ONE TO 91. 69 00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,874 OH, UH, PLEASE NOTE 70 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,476 THAT CHILDREN 16 TO 91 71 00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:41,212 SHOULD NOT SIT ON SANTA'S LAP. 72 00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,214 DAMN! 73 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:48,053 THANK YOU, AND HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE HOLIDAY 74 00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:52,324 FROM ALL OF US HERE AT THE RUTHERFORD GALLERIA. 75 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:55,126 WOW, YOU'VE BEEN SHOPPING YOUR BUTT OFF. 76 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,529 YEAH. IT'S CHRISTMAS, RIGHT? 77 00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:00,098 OH, IT'S GREAT, ISN'T IT? PEOPLE BUYING STUFF, 78 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:03,602 LUGGING BAGS AROUND, MAXING OUT THEIR CREDIT CARDS. 79 00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:06,070 IT'S LIKE EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD IS JOINED TOGETHER 80 00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:08,673 TO EMBRACE FINANCIAL RUIN. 81 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,044 - MERRY CHRISTMAS. - THANK YOU, 82 00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:15,213 AND HAVE A HAPPY AND SAFE HOLIDAY FROM ALL OF US HERE 83 00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:18,283 AT THE RUTHERFORD GALLERIA! 84 00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:21,619 MERRY CHRISTMAS. 85 00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:28,460 MERRY CHRISTMAS. 86 00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,962 MERRY CHRISTMAS. 87 00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:33,698 MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS. 88 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,474 - MERRY CHRISTMAS. - OH! 89 00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:45,477 SHE'S COIN-OPERATED. 90 00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,479 SHE SAYS SHE HAS THE PERFECT GIFT FOR ME, 91 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,547 AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO GET HER. 92 00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:51,616 HER NAME IS AUGUST LEFLER. 93 00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:55,253 ( chuckling ) WELL, I DON'T KNOW AUGUST, BUT-- 94 00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:58,923 WELL, AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOME KIND OF LIST OR SOMETHING? 95 00:05:58,925 --> 00:06:01,325 ( chuckling ) 96 00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:04,328 WELL, I'M AFRAID I LEFT MY LIST UP IN THE NORTH POLE. 97 00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:07,465 OH, GREAT! CAN'T YOU HAVE YOUR WIFE FAX IT TO YOU OR SOMETHING? 98 00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:10,534 I CAN'T SCREW THIS UP! 99 00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:13,171 ( chuckling ) WELL, TOMMY-- 100 00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:15,173 LOOK, 101 00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,675 YOU WANT TO MAKE THIS AUGUST CHICK HAPPY, 102 00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:21,279 YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DROP SOME COLD, HARD CASH, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'? 103 00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:25,617 ON WHAT? LISTEN, PORK BUTT, I NEED MODEL NUMBERS HERE. 104 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,054 GET A HAIRCUT. YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL. 105 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,231 AGAIN? 106 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,934 THE ROOT MUST BE SOMEWHERE UPSTAIRS. 107 00:06:45,271 --> 00:06:47,872 OOH, IS THAT THE GIFT YOU GOT FOR JUDITH? 108 00:06:47,874 --> 00:06:51,009 OR... WHOEVER IT WAS YOU HAPPENED TO PICK? 109 00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:54,545 - YES. - THERE'S A $20 LIMIT. 110 00:06:54,547 --> 00:06:56,414 I KNOW. I WENT A LITTLE OVER. 111 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,150 A HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS OVER. 112 00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:02,187 IT'S EASY TO GET CARRIED AWAY, ISN'T IT? 113 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,922 YOU KNOW, A FEW YEARS AGO, I MADE A BATCH 114 00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:08,293 OF MY FAMOUS RUM BALLS FOR CHRISTMAS. 115 00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:11,762 THEY WERE SO POPULAR THAT THIS YEAR, JUST ON A WHIM, 116 00:07:11,764 --> 00:07:14,532 I MADE 20 BATCHES, ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT. 117 00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:18,736 MMM. IT'S FUNNY THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THAT MUCH RUM AROUND. 118 00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:23,608 - IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, NINA. - YES, NINA, IT'S THE HOLIDAYS. 119 00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:27,612 MY DAD WOULD GO OUT AND GET THE BIGGEST CHRISTMAS TREE HE COULD FIND. 120 00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:31,550 WE'D GO CAROLING, OPEN OUR HOUSE TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD. 121 00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:33,951 ALL THAT SHARING AND GENEROSITY-- 122 00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:36,621 ( gulps ) 123 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,757 IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL. 124 00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:41,125 LOOK HOW GENEROUS I AM. 125 00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,995 I AM CHRISTMAS! 126 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,233 - HELLO, AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM ALL OF US HERE-- - WHERE'S MY PACKAGE? 127 00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:52,136 I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY THE WHOLE THING. HELLO, AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS-- 128 00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:54,338 EXCUSE ME. I WAS-- I WAS-- I WAS HERE FIRST. 129 00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:56,541 EXCUSE ME. I'M JUST PICKING UP. 130 00:07:56,543 --> 00:08:00,345 HEY, HEY, COME ON, PEOPLE. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY. THIS IS SHOPPING. 131 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:03,415 YEAH, WELL, I'M FED UP. WHERE THE HELL'S JANUARY ALREADY? 132 00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:06,150 ( all exclaiming ) 133 00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,453 WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? 134 00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:11,389 THIS ISN'T ABOUT BUYING GIFTS AT ALL. 135 00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:14,892 THIS IS ABOUT VICIOUSNESS AND RUTHLESSNESS AND AGGRESSION, AND... 136 00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:18,196 USUALLY I LIKE ALL THOSE THINGS, BUT... 137 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:23,301 BUT NOW, IT'S JUST REALLY RUINING CHRISTMAS. 138 00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:27,605 JUST WRAP! 139 00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:34,011 All: AW-W-W! 140 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:36,748 OH, DON'T WORRY, BOYS AND GIRLS. 141 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,750 SANTA WILL BE RIGHT BACK 142 00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:41,986 AFTER HE TAKES CARE OF SOME PERSONAL BUSINESS. 143 00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,924 ON THE TOILET. 144 00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:54,866 OH, WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING THESE KIDS? THEY WEIGH A TON! 145 00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:58,136 WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK PART OF THE PROBLEM IS WE'RE FEEDING 'EM CANDY. 146 00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,672 MAYBE IF WE COULD GIVE THEM CELERY OR SOME KIND OF-- 147 00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:05,777 OH... SANTA. 148 00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:09,280 WHAT ARE YOU-- I MEAN-- 149 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:12,951 IT'S-- YOU-- 150 00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,453 NO-O-O-O! 151 00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:22,226 Dick: ♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪ 152 00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:25,797 ♪ THAT'S “CHRISTMAS TREE” IN GERMAN. ♪ 153 00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,668 - NOW, THIS IS A CHRISTMAS TREE. - HEY, HEY, BUDDY, CAN I HELP YOU? 154 00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:32,804 UH, NO, THANKS. I HAVE A CHAIN SAW. 155 00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:35,073 - MERRY CHRISTMAS. - ( chain saw revving ) 156 00:09:37,176 --> 00:09:40,545 ( siren wailing ) 157 00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:44,081 MERRY CHRISTMAS, OFFICER! 158 00:09:48,821 --> 00:09:51,956 “PEACE ON EARTH, GOODWILL TOWARD MEN”-- WHAT A CROCK! 159 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,627 NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS IN FINES, 160 00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:58,829 AND THEY CONFISCATED YOUR CHAIN SAW? 161 00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:01,832 AND HAVE YOU EVER FELT A TASER? ( grunts ) 162 00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:06,103 IT'S NOT NEARLY AS MUCH FUN AS IT LOOKS. 163 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:11,342 WHAT A BUNCH OF HYPOCRITES! 164 00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,978 APPARENTLY, THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT DOESN'T APPLY 165 00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:17,148 WHEN YOU'RE TRESPASSING AND VANDALIZING. 166 00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:21,953 OH, LET'S FACE IT, CHRISTMAS IS A SHAM. 167 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:24,555 HOW CAN HUMANS TAKE SOMETHING LIKE SHOPPING, 168 00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:27,392 SOMETHING PURE AND NATURAL AND GOOD, 169 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:29,693 AND TURN IT INTO SOMETHING SO UGLY? 170 00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:31,862 THIS IS NOT A HOLIDAY, THIS IS TORTURE. 171 00:10:31,864 --> 00:10:34,332 THEY KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT, BUT THEY WON'T TELL YOU. 172 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,134 NO-O-O. THEY MAKE YOU GUESS. 173 00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:39,270 THIS IS JUST SO “EARTH.” 174 00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:43,140 ( scoffs ) HUMANS-- I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANY OF THEIR REINDEER GAMES. 175 00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:47,212 Choir: ♪ FA, LA, LA, LA, LA LA, LA, LA, LA ♪ 176 00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:50,215 - ♪ 'TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY... ♪ - OH, LISTEN TO THEM. 177 00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:53,784 SINGING LIKE IDIOTS. WHY DID WE WANT TO BE LIKE HUMANS ANYWAY? 178 00:10:53,786 --> 00:10:55,854 ♪ FA, LA, LA, LA, LA LA, LA, LA, LA ♪ 179 00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,156 ♪ TROLL THE ANCIENT YULE-- ♪ 180 00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,524 ( people screaming ) 181 00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:13,003 THAT'S BETTER. 182 00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:20,645 AND SO WE SEE THAT THAT B EQUALS 183 00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:22,680 2A OVER DELTA, 184 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,015 WHICH EQUALS K TIMES 185 00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:28,853 MASS OVER 2 PI DELTA, AND THEREFORE-- 186 00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:31,789 LEON. 187 00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:34,826 - WHAT ARE YOU PASSING AROUND? - OH, CARYN MADE THEM. 188 00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:38,596 - YEAH, THEY'RE CHRISTMAS COOKIES. - OH, HOW CHRISTMASY. 189 00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:41,298 ALL SPARKLY, RED AND GREEN. 190 00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:44,435 OH, LOOK. ONE OF SANTA'S REINDEER. 191 00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:46,504 WATCH HIM FLY. 192 00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:50,641 AND LOOK, A LITTLE CHRISTMAS BELL. 193 00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,710 ♪ DING, DONG ♪ 194 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,946 I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THIS IS. 195 00:11:55,948 --> 00:11:58,616 IT WAS A SNOWMAN. 196 00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:01,286 NO, IT WAS BUTTER AND SUGAR AND SPRINKLES, 197 00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:04,355 ALL WRAPPED UP IN EMPTY SENTIMENT AND HOLIDAY HYPOCRISY. 198 00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:07,391 - ( bell ringing ) - ( all cheering ) 199 00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:10,261 HO! HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO, HO! 200 00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,696 - WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING? - IT'S CHRISTMAS BREAK. 201 00:12:12,698 --> 00:12:16,433 IT IS NOT CHRISTMAS BREAK UNTIL I SAY IT IS. 202 00:12:16,435 --> 00:12:19,337 NOT UNTIL YOU'VE COMPLETED THE FOLLOWING REMEDIAL ASSIGNMENT. 203 00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:22,106 - ( all groaning ) - YOU WILL WRITE A 15-PAGE DISSERTATION 204 00:12:22,108 --> 00:12:25,476 ON WAVE PHYSICS AND ITS RELATION TO ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION. 205 00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:28,146 OH, AND A FIVE-POINT BONUS IF YOU CAN TELL ME 206 00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:31,416 HOW THE HELL SANTA DELIVERS ALL THOSE TOYS IN ONE NIGHT. 207 00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:36,787 IT'S TO BE TYPEWRITTEN AND ON MY DESK NO LATER THAN 6:00. 208 00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:39,357 - TONIGHT? - BUT IT'S DECEMBER 23rd. 209 00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,325 YEAH, IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE EVE. 210 00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:44,262 OHH, IT IS? 211 00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,130 WELL, TOUGH TINSEL. 212 00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:53,337 THANK YOU AND HAVE A HAPPY, SAFE HOLIDAY FROM ALL OF US HERE AT THE RUTHERFORD GALLERIA. 213 00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:58,910 BYE-BYE, NOW. 214 00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:02,213 - HEY, TOMMY. - I FINALLY FOUND SOMETHING FOR AUGUST. 215 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:04,615 - OH, PERFUME. IS THIS WHAT SHE WANTS? - I DON'T KNOW. 216 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,151 - SO I ALSO GOT HER A PORTABLE CD PLAYER. - OH, SHE LIKES CDs. 217 00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:09,219 I DON'T KNOW. SO I GOT HER EARRINGS... OH, YEAH, 218 00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:11,455 AND A CELLULAR PHONE AND A BELT. 219 00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:13,457 HOW DID YOU AFFORD ALL THIS STUFF? 220 00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,860 - YOU KNOW THAT JAR OF PENNIES I HAVE IN MY ROOM? - YEAH. 221 00:13:15,862 --> 00:13:18,363 IT'S WHERE I HIDE DICK'S CREDIT CARD. 222 00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:27,272 BARTENDER, TWO FINGERS, NO FAT. 223 00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:30,541 I BELIEVED IN HIM. 224 00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:33,811 I THOUGHT WE WERE BRINGIN' JOY TO THE WORLD. 225 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,014 I WAS GONNA MOVE TO THE NORTH POLE 226 00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:38,383 TO WORK IN HIS TOY FACTORY. 227 00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:44,455 WELL, LOOK WHAT THE CAT DRAGGED IN. 228 00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:49,660 YOU GOT A LOT OF GUTS COMIN' IN HERE, FAT BOY. 229 00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,662 DO I KNOW YOU? 230 00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:56,066 OH, DON'T GET CUTE WITH ME, KRINGLE. 231 00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:58,469 IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME. 232 00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:01,205 HEY, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? 233 00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:03,207 YOU'RE MY PROBLEM! 234 00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:05,209 SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? 235 00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:07,578 GET ONE OF YOUR REINDEER TO KICK ME TO DEATH? 236 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,614 - HEY, TAKE IT EASY. TAKE IT EASY. - OH, MIND YOUR-- 237 00:14:10,616 --> 00:14:13,717 WHOA. WAIT A SECOND. 238 00:14:13,719 --> 00:14:16,187 BUT YOU-- HE-- 239 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,924 - IS THERE A PROBLEM? - ( screaming ) 240 00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:26,797 Man on radio: ♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell rock... ♪ 241 00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:28,866 ( music continues ) 242 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,370 YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE ONLY TIME OF YEAR I LIKE WHITE MUSIC. 243 00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:38,109 WHAT DO YOU THINK, NINA? 244 00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:40,611 MMM. TOO MUCH EGG. 245 00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:43,147 - NEEDS MORE NOG. - YEP. 246 00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,188 MMM, THAT IS GOOD! 247 00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:54,525 - RUM BALL? - OH, SPARE ME. 248 00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:58,463 YOU BETTER BE NICE TO ME IF YOU WANT YOUR STOCKING STUFFED. 249 00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:03,467 - ( shuts music off ) - HEY! 250 00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:06,403 THERE WILL BE NO HOLIDAY CHEER, NINA, WHILE THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE. 251 00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:10,741 - ON CHRISTMAS EVE EVE? - I'LL NEED ALL THE GRADES FOR MY 10:00 CLASS 252 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,910 BROKEN DOWN AND RE-TABULATED FOR THE WHOLE SEMESTER. 253 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,579 - ON CHRISTMAS EVE EVE? - YES. 254 00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:19,950 DICK, WE NEED SOMEBODY TALL TO HANG THE BOUGHS OF HOLLY. 255 00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:22,787 FA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, NO. 256 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:28,225 - I GUESS I'D LIKE THE PLAID-- - WE'RE OUT OF EVERYTHING 257 00:15:28,227 --> 00:15:30,995 BUT GREEN FOIL AND HAPPY SNOWMEN. 258 00:15:30,997 --> 00:15:35,700 - WELL, IT'S FOR MY MOM, SO-- - YOU GOT YOUR MOM A DUST MISER? 259 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:39,203 HOW NICE-- THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON SUCKING. 260 00:15:41,007 --> 00:15:44,909 - I JUST DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO GET HER. - YEAH, APPARENTLY NOT. 261 00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:47,711 WAIT A SECOND. WHERE WAS THAT-- HERE YOU GO. 262 00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:51,549 A FOOT MASSAGER. THE WOMAN NEEDS A BREAK, FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD. 263 00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,551 - GOSH, THANKS. - YOU'RE WELCOME. 264 00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,321 - HEY, THAT'S MY FOOT MASSAGER. - OH, POOR BABY. 265 00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,423 - WHO'S IT FOR? - MY WIFE. 266 00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:01,492 WOW, REAL ROMANTIC. HERE, WAIT A SECOND. 267 00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:04,662 AH! SOME EXOTIC BATH OILS. 268 00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:07,264 YOU CAN TURN YOUR WIFE INTO A SLIP 'N' SLIDE. 269 00:16:07,266 --> 00:16:11,135 - THANKS. - THAT-- THAT WAS FOR MY BOYFRIEND. 270 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,470 UNLESS YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA. 271 00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,240 AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO. HERE. 272 00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:19,476 INTERNATIONAL BEER BASKET FROM THE LIQUOR LOCKER. 273 00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:22,646 - OH, YEAH! THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME. 274 00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,915 - MERRY CHRISTMAS. - MERRY CHRISTMAS. 275 00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:27,251 THIS IS FUN. 276 00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:30,187 HEY, UH, DIAMOND TENNIS BRACELET. WHO WANTS ONE? 277 00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:31,522 ( all clamoring ) 278 00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:37,328 ( holiday music playing ) 279 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,330 ALL THIS LAUGHING, 280 00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:41,598 OPENING THEIR LITTLE PRESENTS-- 281 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,135 WHO NEEDS CHRISTMAS ANYWAY? 282 00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:46,703 I SAY, “BUG HUMBAR.” 283 00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:50,808 YOU MEAN, “BAH, HUMBUG.” 284 00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:53,945 - “BAH” WHAT? - YOU SAID, “BUG HUMBAR.” 285 00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:56,613 - AND? - WELL, WHAT DOES “BUG HUMBAR” MEAN? 286 00:16:56,615 --> 00:16:59,650 - WELL, WHAT DOES “BAH, HUMBUG” MEAN? - FORGET IT. 287 00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:02,453 ( muttering ) 288 00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:09,126 HERE, MERRY CHRISTMAS. 289 00:17:09,128 --> 00:17:11,061 - YOU BOUGHT ME A GIFT? - YEAH. 290 00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:14,498 - SO YOU WERE MY SECRET SANTA? - I WAS NOT YOUR SECRET SANTA. 291 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:18,336 I JUST HAPPEN TO LOVE CHRISTMAS. NOW, OPEN YOUR DAMN PRESENT! 292 00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:26,277 - WELL, WHAT IS IT? - IT'S A TRAVEL MUG. 293 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:28,845 WHAT'S IT FOR? 294 00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:31,482 SO YOU DON'T SPILL COFFEE IN YOUR LAP EVERY MORNING. 295 00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:35,119 YOU NOTICED? 296 00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:40,357 UH, YEAH. 297 00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:43,794 - I NEED THIS. - YOU'RE WELCOME. 298 00:17:45,497 --> 00:17:47,932 NINA... 299 00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:50,334 FORGET THE WORK. GO TO THE PARTY. 300 00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:52,937 - ARE YOU SURE? - YES. HAVE A GOOD TIME. 301 00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,143 AND NINA, 302 00:17:59,145 --> 00:18:01,812 M-MERRY CHRISTMAS. 303 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,249 MERRY CHRISTMAS, DR. SOLOMON. 304 00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:16,694 WHERE ARE THOSE RUM DREIDELS I MADE FOR DR. SCHWARTZ? 305 00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,598 MARY, LOOK WHAT NINA GAVE ME! 306 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,000 I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU. YOU'RE RUINING MY CHRISTMAS. 307 00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:26,037 NO, NO, THAT WAS THE OLD DICK. I THINK I'VE ACTUALLY GOT THE SPIRIT. 308 00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:28,139 I WANT TO BE A PART OF CHRISTMAS NOW. 309 00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:31,075 WELL, PAH-DUM- A-DUM-PUM. 310 00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:35,813 - HERE YOU GO, DR. SOLOMON. - DR. SOLOMON. 311 00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:37,982 ( all clamoring ) 312 00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:40,817 - YOUR PAPERS? - SORRY WE'RE LATE. DON'T TAKE POINTS OFF. 313 00:18:40,819 --> 00:18:45,122 - HO, HO, HO, HO, HO! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WE WORKED ON THOSE! 314 00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,592 AND IN THE SPIRIT OF CHRISTMAS, I'M NOT EVEN GONNA READ THEM. 315 00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:49,793 I'M GONNA GIVE YOU ALL Cs! 316 00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,462 - “Cs”? - YES! 317 00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:54,064 OH, WHAT THE HELL. IT'S CHRISTMAS. C-PLUSES! 318 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:57,367 - ( all cheering ) - GO, GO, GO, ALL OF YOU, 319 00:18:57,369 --> 00:18:59,837 TRIM YOUR STOCKINGS AND STUFF YOUR TREES! 320 00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,006 MERRY CHRISTMAS! 321 00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:05,142 GOD BLESS US, EVERY ONE. 322 00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,678 JUDITH! JUDITH! 323 00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,815 JUDITH, COME IN HERE! JUDITH, I'M YOUR SECRET SANTA. 324 00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:14,084 GET OUT. 325 00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:17,521 - HERE. MERRY CHRISTMAS. - MERRY CHRISTMAS. 326 00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,523 - AND HAPPY NEW YEAR. - SAME TO YOU. 327 00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:21,758 MAY YOUR HOLIDAY BE FILLED WITH LORDS A-LEAPING, 328 00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,794 LADIES DANCING, PIPERS PIPING, 329 00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,862 DRUMMERS DRUMMING, GEESE A-LAYING, 330 00:19:25,864 --> 00:19:27,864 - SWANS A-SWIMMING. - THAT WILL DO. 331 00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:32,970 ♪ FIVE GOLDEN RINGS! ♪ 332 00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:36,574 I KNOW I'VE HAD A LOT OF RUM BALLS, 333 00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,942 BUT THAT WAS REALLY SWEET. 334 00:19:38,944 --> 00:19:41,078 IT'S JUST WONDERFUL. 335 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,547 I THOUGHT CHRISTMAS WAS ALL ABOUT STRESS AND HOSTILITY 336 00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:45,816 AND HANDCUFFS AND MIRANDA RIGHTS. 337 00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:48,586 BUT NO, IT'S MORE. IT'S SO MUCH MORE! 338 00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,488 IT'S ABOUT GIVING AND SHARING 339 00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:53,056 AND JUST... BEING HUMAN. 340 00:19:53,058 --> 00:19:55,325 COME ON, THE PARTY'S STILL GOING ON, 341 00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:58,562 AND I'VE SAVED A SPECIAL DANCE FOR YOU. 342 00:19:58,564 --> 00:20:00,564 OHH. 343 00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:04,101 OH! THAT WEED GREW BACK AGAIN. 344 00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:06,470 - IT'S MISTLETOE. - MISTLETOE? 345 00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:08,472 - YEAH. - WELL, WHAT'S IT FOR? 346 00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:10,407 I'LL SHOW YOU. 347 00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:15,613 - MERRY CHRISTMAS. - OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU. 348 00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:18,248 BUT WHAT'S THE MISTLETOE FOR? 349 00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:20,183 DICK! 350 00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:23,353 OHH. 351 00:20:37,936 --> 00:20:40,637 AH. WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW THE REAL SANTA'S 352 00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:43,173 GONNA SLIDE DOWN THIS THING, 353 00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:45,208 BUT HE WILL. 354 00:20:45,210 --> 00:20:49,079 AH, WHAT A LOVELY WAY TO MARK OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY ON EARTH, 355 00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,414 OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY AS HUMANS. 356 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,583 DO YOU THINK WE'LL EVER REALLY KNOW EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW 357 00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:55,719 ABOUT BEING HUMAN? 358 00:20:55,721 --> 00:20:59,289 ♪ SILENT NIGHT, OH! HOLY NIGHT, OH! ♪ 359 00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:02,960 ♪ ALL IS CALM, WHOO! ALL IS BRIGHT, OH! ♪ 360 00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:06,330 ♪ ROUND YON VIRGIN, OH! MOTHER AND CHILD, HEY! ♪ 361 00:21:06,332 --> 00:21:09,767 ♪ HOLY INFANT, HO! SO TENDER AND MILD, HA! ♪ 362 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:13,070 ♪ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♪ 363 00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:15,973 ♪ HEY! SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♪ 364 00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:18,943 ♪ YOW! SILENT NIGHT, HO! ♪ 365 00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:20,811 ♪ HOLY NIGHT, HEY! ♪ 366 00:21:23,015 --> 00:21:25,115 MERRY CHRISTMAS, TOMMY. 367 00:21:29,188 --> 00:21:33,623 - THIS? - I MADE IT MYSELF. IT'S THE TWO OF US. SEE? 368 00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:36,126 ( laughing ) 369 00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,128 WHAT I GOT FOR YOU 370 00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,131 IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THIS! 371 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,133 I MEAN, IT IS A JOKE HOW MUCH BETTER 372 00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:46,070 MY STUFF IS THAN THIS! 373 00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:49,272 WHICH I LOVE.