1
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:06,171
I HAVE GOT
2
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,540
THE PERFECT
PRESENT FOR YOU.
3
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,942
- A PRESENT? WHAT FOR?
- CHRISTMAS.
4
00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:15,613
WHAT, YOU DIDN'T
GET ME ANYTHING?
5
00:00:15,615 --> 00:00:18,417
( scoffs )
NO, ARE YOU KIDDING?
6
00:00:18,419 --> 00:00:20,519
NO, OF C--
NOT GET YOU ANYTHING?
7
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:22,887
OF COURSE I GOT
YOU SOMETHING.
I, UH...
8
00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:25,357
I GOT YOU
THE PERFECT SOMETHING.
IT'S PERFECT,
9
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,260
AND IT'S, UH,
IT'S REALLY SOMETHING.
10
00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:31,130
YOU'RE SO SWEET.
11
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:38,437
ALL RIGHT,
WE ARE WIRED.
12
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:41,707
- CAN I PLUG IT IN?
CAN I PLUG IT IN?
- KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.
13
00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:45,544
( gasps )
14
00:00:45,546 --> 00:00:49,014
- IT'S MAGNIFICENT!
- YOU AIN'T SEEN
NOTHIN' YET.
15
00:00:49,016 --> 00:00:51,016
BY THE TIME I'M THROUGH
WITH THIS JOINT,
16
00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:53,351
THEY'RE GONNA BE
ABLE TO SEE IT
FROM THE SHUTTLE.
17
00:00:53,353 --> 00:00:56,254
TOMMY!
18
00:00:58,291 --> 00:01:00,592
- LOOK WHAT I GOT.
- A STICK?
19
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:02,594
NO!
20
00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,364
IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE!
21
00:01:05,366 --> 00:01:08,367
YOU'LL SEE.
ALL IT NEEDS
IS A LITTLE LOVE.
22
00:01:08,369 --> 00:01:10,802
DICK! DICK!
23
00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:14,473
- YOU ARE NOT GONNA BELIEVE
WHAT WE GOT AT THE MALL.
- A STICK?
24
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:17,475
IT'S A CHRISTMAS TREE!
25
00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:20,545
THAT THING?
WE ARE SOLOMONS, HARRY.
26
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:23,481
WE SHOULD HAVE
THE BIGGEST, NOBLEST TREE
IN ALL OF OHIO.
27
00:01:23,483 --> 00:01:27,252
FORGET THE STICK, DICK.
WE FOUND JOBS.
28
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:30,255
THE MALL IS FULL OF THEM--
CHRISTMAS JOBS.
29
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:32,925
YOU ARE LOOKIN'
AT A PROFESSIONAL
GIFT-WRAPPER.
30
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:35,827
AND I AM THE
EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT
31
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,664
TO MR. SANTA CLAUS.
32
00:01:38,666 --> 00:01:41,933
I'VE HEARD OF HIM.
HE'S THE MUCKEDY-MUCK
IN CHARGE OF THE WHOLE SHEBANG.
33
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:45,737
YEAH, WELL, I'M KIND OF
HIS RIGHT-HAND ELF.
34
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:47,772
THIS IS WONDERFUL.
IT'S A CELEBRATION.
35
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:50,341
- TOMMY, WHEN DID WE FIRST
LAND ON THIS PLANET?
- JANUARY 9th.
36
00:01:50,343 --> 00:01:52,344
IT WAS A TUESDAY,
EXACTLY 8:30 P.M.
37
00:01:52,346 --> 00:01:54,279
7:30 CENTRAL.
38
00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:59,284
DO YOU REALIZE
WE'RE COMING UP
ON OUR ANNIVERSARY?
39
00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:02,987
AN EARTH YEAR ON EARTH,
AND EVERYTHING IS
FINALLY COMING TOGETHER.
40
00:02:02,989 --> 00:02:06,191
IT'S AS IF ALL
OF THE EARTH WERE
THROWING US A PARTY.
41
00:02:06,193 --> 00:02:08,860
SUDDENLY I FEEL
SO... SO...
42
00:02:08,862 --> 00:02:10,862
HUMAN.
43
00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:13,231
OH, GUYS!
COME HERE.
44
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:16,601
( snap )
45
00:02:20,807 --> 00:02:23,741
OH, GREAT.
NOW IT'S A STICK.
46
00:02:23,743 --> 00:02:25,677
( '50s rock music playing )
47
00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:05,950
WEEDS.
48
00:03:05,952 --> 00:03:08,587
OKAY, DICK, IT'S TIME
TO PICK YOUR SECRET SANTA.
49
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:10,923
IT'S TIME TO WHO
FOR WHA-WHA?
50
00:03:10,925 --> 00:03:14,660
- PICK A NAME-- THAT'S WHO
YOU BUY A PRESENT FOR.
- PRESENTS? FOR CHRISTMAS?
51
00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:16,728
THE BOWL IS HEAVY.
52
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:19,030
I'M SORRY, JUDITH.
53
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:22,100
LET'S PLAY
SECRET SANTA.
54
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,472
DR. ANTHONY?
I BARELY KNOW HIM.
55
00:03:27,474 --> 00:03:29,474
( women exclaiming )
56
00:03:29,476 --> 00:03:32,810
GLANSBERG, CHILTON,
LANELL--
57
00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:36,314
DICK, YOU DON'T GET
TO CHOOSE YOUR PERSON.
IT'S RANDOM.
58
00:03:36,316 --> 00:03:39,083
YOU PICK ONE NAME,
AND IT'S A SECRET
UNTIL THE PARTY.
59
00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:40,752
OH...
60
00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,804
WELL, I PICKED
MY NAME,
61
00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:03,307
AND WHOEVER IT IS
HASN'T THE FOGGIEST IDEA.
62
00:04:04,544 --> 00:04:07,044
FOR NOW UNTIL THE PARTY,
THEIR LIFE WILL BE
63
00:04:07,046 --> 00:04:09,814
A TOPSY-TURVY
LABYRINTH OF MYSTERY
64
00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:11,750
AND INTRIGUE.
65
00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:16,254
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,
LET HIM DRAW AGAIN.
66
00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:25,764
WELL, HELLO-HO-HO,
EVERYBODY,
67
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:28,500
AND WELCOME TO
SANTA'S TOYLAND.
68
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:31,870
PRESENTS, TOYS AND FUN
FOR CHILDREN ONE TO 91.
69
00:04:33,874 --> 00:04:35,874
OH, UH, PLEASE NOTE
70
00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:38,476
THAT CHILDREN
16 TO 91
71
00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:41,212
SHOULD NOT SIT
ON SANTA'S LAP.
72
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:43,214
DAMN!
73
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:48,053
THANK YOU, AND HAVE
A HAPPY AND SAFE HOLIDAY
74
00:04:48,055 --> 00:04:52,324
FROM ALL OF US HERE
AT THE RUTHERFORD GALLERIA.
75
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:55,126
WOW, YOU'VE BEEN
SHOPPING YOUR BUTT OFF.
76
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,529
YEAH.
IT'S CHRISTMAS, RIGHT?
77
00:04:57,531 --> 00:05:00,098
OH, IT'S GREAT, ISN'T IT?
PEOPLE BUYING STUFF,
78
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:03,602
LUGGING BAGS AROUND,
MAXING OUT THEIR CREDIT CARDS.
79
00:05:03,604 --> 00:05:06,070
IT'S LIKE EVERYONE
IN THE WHOLE WORLD
IS JOINED TOGETHER
80
00:05:06,072 --> 00:05:08,673
TO EMBRACE
FINANCIAL RUIN.
81
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:13,044
- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- THANK YOU,
82
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:15,213
AND HAVE A HAPPY
AND SAFE HOLIDAY
FROM ALL OF US HERE
83
00:05:15,215 --> 00:05:18,283
AT THE RUTHERFORD
GALLERIA!
84
00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:21,619
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
85
00:05:26,426 --> 00:05:28,460
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
86
00:05:28,462 --> 00:05:30,962
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
87
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:33,698
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
88
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,474
- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- OH!
89
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:45,477
SHE'S COIN-OPERATED.
90
00:05:45,479 --> 00:05:47,479
SHE SAYS SHE HAS
THE PERFECT GIFT FOR ME,
91
00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:49,547
AND I HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT TO GET HER.
92
00:05:49,549 --> 00:05:51,616
HER NAME IS
AUGUST LEFLER.
93
00:05:51,618 --> 00:05:55,253
( chuckling )
WELL, I DON'T
KNOW AUGUST, BUT--
94
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:58,923
WELL, AREN'T YOU
SUPPOSED TO HAVE SOME
KIND OF LIST OR SOMETHING?
95
00:05:58,925 --> 00:06:01,325
( chuckling )
96
00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:04,328
WELL, I'M AFRAID
I LEFT MY LIST
UP IN THE NORTH POLE.
97
00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:07,465
OH, GREAT! CAN'T YOU
HAVE YOUR WIFE FAX IT
TO YOU OR SOMETHING?
98
00:06:07,467 --> 00:06:10,534
I CAN'T SCREW THIS UP!
99
00:06:10,536 --> 00:06:13,171
( chuckling )
WELL, TOMMY--
100
00:06:13,173 --> 00:06:15,173
LOOK,
101
00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,675
YOU WANT TO MAKE
THIS AUGUST CHICK HAPPY,
102
00:06:17,677 --> 00:06:21,279
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO DROP
SOME COLD, HARD CASH,
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?
103
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:25,617
ON WHAT?
LISTEN, PORK BUTT,
I NEED MODEL NUMBERS HERE.
104
00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:29,054
GET A HAIRCUT.
YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL.
105
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,231
AGAIN?
106
00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:42,934
THE ROOT MUST BE
SOMEWHERE UPSTAIRS.
107
00:06:45,271 --> 00:06:47,872
OOH, IS THAT THE GIFT
YOU GOT FOR JUDITH?
108
00:06:47,874 --> 00:06:51,009
OR... WHOEVER IT WAS
YOU HAPPENED TO PICK?
109
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:54,545
- YES.
- THERE'S A $20 LIMIT.
110
00:06:54,547 --> 00:06:56,414
I KNOW.
I WENT A LITTLE OVER.
111
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,150
A HUNDRED AND TWENTY
DOLLARS OVER.
112
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:02,187
IT'S EASY TO GET
CARRIED AWAY, ISN'T IT?
113
00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:04,922
YOU KNOW, A FEW YEARS AGO,
I MADE A BATCH
114
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:08,293
OF MY FAMOUS RUM BALLS
FOR CHRISTMAS.
115
00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:11,762
THEY WERE SO POPULAR
THAT THIS YEAR,
JUST ON A WHIM,
116
00:07:11,764 --> 00:07:14,532
I MADE 20 BATCHES,
ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE
DEPARTMENT.
117
00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:18,736
MMM. IT'S FUNNY
THAT YOU WOULD HAVE
THAT MUCH RUM AROUND.
118
00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:23,608
- IT'S THE HOLIDAYS, NINA.
- YES, NINA, IT'S THE HOLIDAYS.
119
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:27,612
MY DAD WOULD GO OUT
AND GET THE BIGGEST
CHRISTMAS TREE HE COULD FIND.
120
00:07:27,614 --> 00:07:31,550
WE'D GO CAROLING, OPEN OUR HOUSE
TO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
121
00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:33,951
ALL THAT SHARING
AND GENEROSITY--
122
00:07:33,953 --> 00:07:36,621
( gulps )
123
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:38,757
IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.
124
00:07:38,759 --> 00:07:41,125
LOOK HOW GENEROUS
I AM.
125
00:07:41,127 --> 00:07:43,995
I AM CHRISTMAS!
126
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,233
- HELLO, AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS
FROM ALL OF US HERE--
- WHERE'S MY PACKAGE?
127
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:52,136
I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY
THE WHOLE THING.
HELLO, AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS--
128
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:54,338
EXCUSE ME.
I WAS-- I WAS--
I WAS HERE FIRST.
129
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:56,541
EXCUSE ME.
I'M JUST PICKING UP.
130
00:07:56,543 --> 00:08:00,345
HEY, HEY, COME ON, PEOPLE.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY.
THIS IS SHOPPING.
131
00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:03,415
YEAH, WELL, I'M FED UP.
WHERE THE HELL'S
JANUARY ALREADY?
132
00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:06,150
( all exclaiming )
133
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:08,453
WHAT IS WRONG
WITH YOU PEOPLE?
134
00:08:08,455 --> 00:08:11,389
THIS ISN'T ABOUT
BUYING GIFTS AT ALL.
135
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:14,892
THIS IS ABOUT VICIOUSNESS
AND RUTHLESSNESS
AND AGGRESSION, AND...
136
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:18,196
USUALLY I LIKE
ALL THOSE THINGS, BUT...
137
00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:23,301
BUT NOW, IT'S JUST
REALLY RUINING CHRISTMAS.
138
00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:27,605
JUST WRAP!
139
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:34,011
All:
AW-W-W!
140
00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:36,748
OH, DON'T WORRY,
BOYS AND GIRLS.
141
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,750
SANTA WILL BE
RIGHT BACK
142
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:41,986
AFTER HE TAKES CARE
OF SOME PERSONAL BUSINESS.
143
00:08:43,990 --> 00:08:45,924
ON THE TOILET.
144
00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:54,866
OH, WHAT ARE THEY
FEEDING THESE KIDS?
THEY WEIGH A TON!
145
00:08:54,868 --> 00:08:58,136
WELL, YOU KNOW, I THINK
PART OF THE PROBLEM IS
WE'RE FEEDING 'EM CANDY.
146
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,672
MAYBE IF WE COULD
GIVE THEM CELERY
OR SOME KIND OF--
147
00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:05,777
OH... SANTA.
148
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:09,280
WHAT ARE YOU--
I MEAN--
149
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:12,951
IT'S-- YOU--
150
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,453
NO-O-O-O!
151
00:09:18,658 --> 00:09:22,226
Dick:
♪ O TANNENBAUM,
O TANNENBAUM ♪
152
00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:25,797
♪ THAT'S “CHRISTMAS TREE”
IN GERMAN. ♪
153
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,668
- NOW, THIS IS A CHRISTMAS TREE.
- HEY, HEY, BUDDY,
CAN I HELP YOU?
154
00:09:30,670 --> 00:09:32,804
UH, NO, THANKS.
I HAVE A CHAIN SAW.
155
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:35,073
- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- ( chain saw revving )
156
00:09:37,176 --> 00:09:40,545
( siren wailing )
157
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:44,081
MERRY CHRISTMAS, OFFICER!
158
00:09:48,821 --> 00:09:51,956
“PEACE ON EARTH,
GOODWILL TOWARD MEN”--
WHAT A CROCK!
159
00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,627
NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS
IN FINES,
160
00:09:55,629 --> 00:09:58,829
AND THEY CONFISCATED
YOUR CHAIN SAW?
161
00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:01,832
AND HAVE YOU EVER
FELT A TASER?
( grunts )
162
00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:06,103
IT'S NOT NEARLY
AS MUCH FUN
AS IT LOOKS.
163
00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:11,342
WHAT A BUNCH
OF HYPOCRITES!
164
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:13,978
APPARENTLY,
THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT
DOESN'T APPLY
165
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:17,148
WHEN YOU'RE
TRESPASSING
AND VANDALIZING.
166
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:21,953
OH, LET'S FACE IT,
CHRISTMAS IS A SHAM.
167
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:24,555
HOW CAN HUMANS TAKE
SOMETHING LIKE SHOPPING,
168
00:10:24,557 --> 00:10:27,392
SOMETHING PURE
AND NATURAL AND GOOD,
169
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:29,693
AND TURN IT INTO
SOMETHING SO UGLY?
170
00:10:29,695 --> 00:10:31,862
THIS IS NOT A HOLIDAY,
THIS IS TORTURE.
171
00:10:31,864 --> 00:10:34,332
THEY KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANT,
BUT THEY WON'T TELL YOU.
172
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,134
NO-O-O.
THEY MAKE YOU GUESS.
173
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:39,270
THIS IS JUST
SO “EARTH.”
174
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:43,140
( scoffs )
HUMANS-- I DON'T WANT TO PLAY
ANY OF THEIR REINDEER GAMES.
175
00:10:44,878 --> 00:10:47,212
Choir:
♪ FA, LA, LA, LA, LA
LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
176
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:50,215
- ♪ 'TIS THE SEASON
TO BE JOLLY... ♪
- OH, LISTEN TO THEM.
177
00:10:50,217 --> 00:10:53,784
SINGING LIKE IDIOTS.
WHY DID WE WANT TO BE
LIKE HUMANS ANYWAY?
178
00:10:53,786 --> 00:10:55,854
♪ FA, LA, LA, LA, LA
LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
179
00:10:55,856 --> 00:10:58,156
♪ TROLL THE ANCIENT
YULE-- ♪
180
00:10:58,158 --> 00:11:00,524
( people screaming )
181
00:11:11,070 --> 00:11:13,003
THAT'S BETTER.
182
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:20,645
AND SO WE SEE THAT
THAT B EQUALS
183
00:11:20,647 --> 00:11:22,680
2A OVER DELTA,
184
00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:25,015
WHICH EQUALS K TIMES
185
00:11:25,017 --> 00:11:28,853
MASS OVER 2 PI DELTA,
AND THEREFORE--
186
00:11:28,855 --> 00:11:31,789
LEON.
187
00:11:31,791 --> 00:11:34,826
- WHAT ARE YOU
PASSING AROUND?
- OH, CARYN MADE THEM.
188
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:38,596
- YEAH, THEY'RE
CHRISTMAS COOKIES.
- OH, HOW CHRISTMASY.
189
00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:41,298
ALL SPARKLY,
RED AND GREEN.
190
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:44,435
OH, LOOK.
ONE OF SANTA'S REINDEER.
191
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:46,504
WATCH HIM FLY.
192
00:11:48,274 --> 00:11:50,641
AND LOOK,
A LITTLE CHRISTMAS BELL.
193
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,710
♪ DING, DONG ♪
194
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,946
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THIS IS.
195
00:11:55,948 --> 00:11:58,616
IT WAS A SNOWMAN.
196
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:01,286
NO, IT WAS BUTTER
AND SUGAR AND SPRINKLES,
197
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:04,355
ALL WRAPPED UP
IN EMPTY SENTIMENT
AND HOLIDAY HYPOCRISY.
198
00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:07,391
- ( bell ringing )
- ( all cheering )
199
00:12:07,393 --> 00:12:10,261
HO! HO, HO, HO,
HO, HO, HO, HO!
200
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:12,696
- WHERE DO YOU THINK
YOU'RE GOING?
- IT'S CHRISTMAS BREAK.
201
00:12:12,698 --> 00:12:16,433
IT IS NOT
CHRISTMAS BREAK
UNTIL I SAY IT IS.
202
00:12:16,435 --> 00:12:19,337
NOT UNTIL YOU'VE
COMPLETED THE FOLLOWING
REMEDIAL ASSIGNMENT.
203
00:12:19,339 --> 00:12:22,106
- ( all groaning )
- YOU WILL WRITE
A 15-PAGE DISSERTATION
204
00:12:22,108 --> 00:12:25,476
ON WAVE PHYSICS
AND ITS RELATION TO
ELECTROMAGNETIC RADIATION.
205
00:12:25,478 --> 00:12:28,146
OH, AND A FIVE-POINT BONUS
IF YOU CAN TELL ME
206
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:31,416
HOW THE HELL SANTA
DELIVERS ALL THOSE TOYS
IN ONE NIGHT.
207
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:36,787
IT'S TO BE TYPEWRITTEN AND ON
MY DESK NO LATER THAN 6:00.
208
00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:39,357
- TONIGHT?
- BUT IT'S DECEMBER 23rd.
209
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:41,325
YEAH, IT'S
CHRISTMAS EVE EVE.
210
00:12:41,327 --> 00:12:44,262
OHH, IT IS?
211
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,130
WELL, TOUGH TINSEL.
212
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:53,337
THANK YOU AND HAVE A HAPPY,
SAFE HOLIDAY FROM ALL OF US
HERE AT THE RUTHERFORD GALLERIA.
213
00:12:55,408 --> 00:12:58,910
BYE-BYE, NOW.
214
00:12:58,912 --> 00:13:02,213
- HEY, TOMMY.
- I FINALLY FOUND
SOMETHING FOR AUGUST.
215
00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:04,615
- OH, PERFUME.
IS THIS WHAT SHE WANTS?
- I DON'T KNOW.
216
00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:07,151
- SO I ALSO GOT HER
A PORTABLE CD PLAYER.
- OH, SHE LIKES CDs.
217
00:13:07,153 --> 00:13:09,219
I DON'T KNOW.
SO I GOT HER
EARRINGS... OH, YEAH,
218
00:13:09,221 --> 00:13:11,455
AND A CELLULAR PHONE
AND A BELT.
219
00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:13,457
HOW DID YOU AFFORD
ALL THIS STUFF?
220
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:15,860
- YOU KNOW THAT JAR OF PENNIES
I HAVE IN MY ROOM?
- YEAH.
221
00:13:15,862 --> 00:13:18,363
IT'S WHERE I HIDE
DICK'S CREDIT CARD.
222
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:27,272
BARTENDER,
TWO FINGERS, NO FAT.
223
00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:30,541
I BELIEVED IN HIM.
224
00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:33,811
I THOUGHT WE WERE
BRINGIN' JOY TO THE WORLD.
225
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,014
I WAS GONNA MOVE
TO THE NORTH POLE
226
00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:38,383
TO WORK IN HIS
TOY FACTORY.
227
00:13:41,153 --> 00:13:44,455
WELL, LOOK WHAT
THE CAT DRAGGED IN.
228
00:13:45,692 --> 00:13:49,660
YOU GOT A LOT OF GUTS
COMIN' IN HERE, FAT BOY.
229
00:13:49,662 --> 00:13:51,662
DO I KNOW YOU?
230
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:56,066
OH, DON'T GET CUTE
WITH ME, KRINGLE.
231
00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:58,469
IF THAT IS
YOUR REAL NAME.
232
00:13:58,471 --> 00:14:01,205
HEY, WHAT'S
YOUR PROBLEM?
233
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:03,207
YOU'RE MY PROBLEM!
234
00:14:03,209 --> 00:14:05,209
SO WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO?
235
00:14:05,211 --> 00:14:07,578
GET ONE OF YOUR REINDEER
TO KICK ME TO DEATH?
236
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,614
- HEY, TAKE IT EASY.
TAKE IT EASY.
- OH, MIND YOUR--
237
00:14:10,616 --> 00:14:13,717
WHOA.
WAIT A SECOND.
238
00:14:13,719 --> 00:14:16,187
BUT YOU-- HE--
239
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,924
- IS THERE A PROBLEM?
- ( screaming )
240
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:26,797
Man on radio:
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell
jingle bell rock... ♪
241
00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:28,866
( music continues )
242
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:32,370
YOU KNOW, THIS IS
THE ONLY TIME OF YEAR
I LIKE WHITE MUSIC.
243
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:38,109
WHAT DO YOU THINK, NINA?
244
00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:40,611
MMM.
TOO MUCH EGG.
245
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:43,147
- NEEDS MORE NOG.
- YEP.
246
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,188
MMM, THAT IS
GOOD!
247
00:14:51,190 --> 00:14:54,525
- RUM BALL?
- OH, SPARE ME.
248
00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:58,463
YOU BETTER BE NICE
TO ME IF YOU WANT
YOUR STOCKING STUFFED.
249
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:03,467
- ( shuts music off )
- HEY!
250
00:15:03,469 --> 00:15:06,403
THERE WILL BE NO HOLIDAY
CHEER, NINA, WHILE THERE'S
WORK TO BE DONE.
251
00:15:06,405 --> 00:15:10,741
- ON CHRISTMAS EVE EVE?
- I'LL NEED ALL THE GRADES
FOR MY 10:00 CLASS
252
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,910
BROKEN DOWN
AND RE-TABULATED
FOR THE WHOLE SEMESTER.
253
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,579
- ON CHRISTMAS EVE EVE?
- YES.
254
00:15:16,983 --> 00:15:19,950
DICK, WE NEED
SOMEBODY TALL TO HANG
THE BOUGHS OF HOLLY.
255
00:15:19,952 --> 00:15:22,787
FA, LA, LA, LA, LA,
LA, LA, LA, NO.
256
00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:28,225
- I GUESS I'D LIKE THE PLAID--
- WE'RE OUT OF EVERYTHING
257
00:15:28,227 --> 00:15:30,995
BUT GREEN FOIL
AND HAPPY SNOWMEN.
258
00:15:30,997 --> 00:15:35,700
- WELL, IT'S FOR MY MOM, SO--
- YOU GOT YOUR MOM A DUST MISER?
259
00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:39,203
HOW NICE-- THE GIFT
THAT KEEPS ON SUCKING.
260
00:15:41,007 --> 00:15:44,909
- I JUST DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO GET HER.
- YEAH, APPARENTLY NOT.
261
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:47,711
WAIT A SECOND.
WHERE WAS THAT--
HERE YOU GO.
262
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:51,549
A FOOT MASSAGER.
THE WOMAN NEEDS A BREAK,
FOR CRYIN' OUT LOUD.
263
00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,551
- GOSH, THANKS.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
264
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:56,321
- HEY, THAT'S
MY FOOT MASSAGER.
- OH, POOR BABY.
265
00:15:56,323 --> 00:15:58,423
- WHO'S IT FOR?
- MY WIFE.
266
00:15:58,425 --> 00:16:01,492
WOW, REAL ROMANTIC.
HERE, WAIT A SECOND.
267
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:04,662
AH! SOME EXOTIC
BATH OILS.
268
00:16:04,664 --> 00:16:07,264
YOU CAN TURN YOUR WIFE
INTO A SLIP 'N' SLIDE.
269
00:16:07,266 --> 00:16:11,135
- THANKS.
- THAT-- THAT WAS
FOR MY BOYFRIEND.
270
00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:13,470
UNLESS YOU HAVE
A BETTER IDEA.
271
00:16:13,472 --> 00:16:16,240
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I DO. HERE.
272
00:16:16,242 --> 00:16:19,476
INTERNATIONAL BEER BASKET
FROM THE LIQUOR LOCKER.
273
00:16:19,478 --> 00:16:22,646
- OH, YEAH! THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
274
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,915
- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
275
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:27,251
THIS IS FUN.
276
00:16:27,253 --> 00:16:30,187
HEY, UH, DIAMOND
TENNIS BRACELET.
WHO WANTS ONE?
277
00:16:30,189 --> 00:16:31,522
( all clamoring )
278
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:37,328
( holiday music playing )
279
00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:39,330
ALL THIS LAUGHING,
280
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:41,598
OPENING THEIR
LITTLE PRESENTS--
281
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,135
WHO NEEDS CHRISTMAS
ANYWAY?
282
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:46,703
I SAY, “BUG HUMBAR.”
283
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:50,808
YOU MEAN,
“BAH, HUMBUG.”
284
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:53,945
- “BAH” WHAT?
- YOU SAID, “BUG HUMBAR.”
285
00:16:53,947 --> 00:16:56,613
- AND?
- WELL, WHAT DOES
“BUG HUMBAR” MEAN?
286
00:16:56,615 --> 00:16:59,650
- WELL, WHAT DOES
“BAH, HUMBUG” MEAN?
- FORGET IT.
287
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:02,453
( muttering )
288
00:17:05,591 --> 00:17:09,126
HERE,
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
289
00:17:09,128 --> 00:17:11,061
- YOU BOUGHT ME A GIFT?
- YEAH.
290
00:17:11,063 --> 00:17:14,498
- SO YOU WERE MY SECRET SANTA?
- I WAS NOT YOUR SECRET SANTA.
291
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:18,336
I JUST HAPPEN
TO LOVE CHRISTMAS.
NOW, OPEN YOUR DAMN PRESENT!
292
00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:26,277
- WELL, WHAT IS IT?
- IT'S A TRAVEL MUG.
293
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:28,845
WHAT'S IT FOR?
294
00:17:28,847 --> 00:17:31,482
SO YOU DON'T SPILL
COFFEE IN YOUR LAP
EVERY MORNING.
295
00:17:33,186 --> 00:17:35,119
YOU NOTICED?
296
00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:40,357
UH, YEAH.
297
00:17:40,359 --> 00:17:43,794
- I NEED THIS.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
298
00:17:45,497 --> 00:17:47,932
NINA...
299
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:50,334
FORGET THE WORK.
GO TO THE PARTY.
300
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:52,937
- ARE YOU SURE?
- YES. HAVE A GOOD TIME.
301
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,143
AND NINA,
302
00:17:59,145 --> 00:18:01,812
M-MERRY CHRISTMAS.
303
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,249
MERRY CHRISTMAS,
DR. SOLOMON.
304
00:18:13,192 --> 00:18:16,694
WHERE ARE THOSE
RUM DREIDELS I MADE
FOR DR. SCHWARTZ?
305
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:20,598
MARY, LOOK WHAT
NINA GAVE ME!
306
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,000
I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
YOU'RE RUINING MY CHRISTMAS.
307
00:18:23,002 --> 00:18:26,037
NO, NO, THAT WAS THE OLD DICK.
I THINK I'VE ACTUALLY
GOT THE SPIRIT.
308
00:18:26,039 --> 00:18:28,139
I WANT TO BE A PART
OF CHRISTMAS NOW.
309
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:31,075
WELL, PAH-DUM-
A-DUM-PUM.
310
00:18:33,012 --> 00:18:35,813
- HERE YOU GO, DR. SOLOMON.
- DR. SOLOMON.
311
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:37,982
( all clamoring )
312
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:40,817
- YOUR PAPERS?
- SORRY WE'RE LATE.
DON'T TAKE POINTS OFF.
313
00:18:40,819 --> 00:18:45,122
- HO, HO, HO, HO, HO!
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WE WORKED ON THOSE!
314
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:47,592
AND IN THE SPIRIT
OF CHRISTMAS, I'M NOT
EVEN GONNA READ THEM.
315
00:18:47,594 --> 00:18:49,793
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU
ALL Cs!
316
00:18:49,795 --> 00:18:51,462
- “Cs”?
- YES!
317
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:54,064
OH, WHAT THE HELL.
IT'S CHRISTMAS.
C-PLUSES!
318
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:57,367
- ( all cheering )
- GO, GO, GO, ALL OF YOU,
319
00:18:57,369 --> 00:18:59,837
TRIM YOUR STOCKINGS
AND STUFF YOUR TREES!
320
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,006
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
321
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:05,142
GOD BLESS US,
EVERY ONE.
322
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,678
JUDITH! JUDITH!
323
00:19:07,680 --> 00:19:11,815
JUDITH, COME IN HERE!
JUDITH, I'M YOUR
SECRET SANTA.
324
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:14,084
GET OUT.
325
00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:17,521
- HERE. MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
326
00:19:17,523 --> 00:19:19,523
- AND HAPPY NEW YEAR.
- SAME TO YOU.
327
00:19:19,525 --> 00:19:21,758
MAY YOUR HOLIDAY
BE FILLED WITH
LORDS A-LEAPING,
328
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:23,794
LADIES DANCING,
PIPERS PIPING,
329
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,862
DRUMMERS DRUMMING,
GEESE A-LAYING,
330
00:19:25,864 --> 00:19:27,864
- SWANS A-SWIMMING.
- THAT WILL DO.
331
00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:32,970
♪ FIVE GOLDEN RINGS! ♪
332
00:19:32,972 --> 00:19:36,574
I KNOW I'VE HAD
A LOT OF RUM BALLS,
333
00:19:36,576 --> 00:19:38,942
BUT THAT WAS
REALLY SWEET.
334
00:19:38,944 --> 00:19:41,078
IT'S JUST WONDERFUL.
335
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,547
I THOUGHT CHRISTMAS
WAS ALL ABOUT
STRESS AND HOSTILITY
336
00:19:43,549 --> 00:19:45,816
AND HANDCUFFS
AND MIRANDA RIGHTS.
337
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:48,586
BUT NO, IT'S MORE.
IT'S SO MUCH MORE!
338
00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,488
IT'S ABOUT GIVING
AND SHARING
339
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:53,056
AND JUST...
BEING HUMAN.
340
00:19:53,058 --> 00:19:55,325
COME ON, THE PARTY'S
STILL GOING ON,
341
00:19:55,327 --> 00:19:58,562
AND I'VE SAVED
A SPECIAL DANCE
FOR YOU.
342
00:19:58,564 --> 00:20:00,564
OHH.
343
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:04,101
OH! THAT WEED
GREW BACK AGAIN.
344
00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:06,470
- IT'S MISTLETOE.
- MISTLETOE?
345
00:20:06,472 --> 00:20:08,472
- YEAH.
- WELL, WHAT'S IT FOR?
346
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:10,407
I'LL SHOW YOU.
347
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:15,613
- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
- OH, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU.
348
00:20:15,615 --> 00:20:18,248
BUT WHAT'S
THE MISTLETOE FOR?
349
00:20:18,250 --> 00:20:20,183
DICK!
350
00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:23,353
OHH.
351
00:20:37,936 --> 00:20:40,637
AH. WELL, I DON'T KNOW
HOW THE REAL SANTA'S
352
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:43,173
GONNA SLIDE DOWN
THIS THING,
353
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:45,208
BUT HE WILL.
354
00:20:45,210 --> 00:20:49,079
AH, WHAT A LOVELY WAY
TO MARK OUR FIRST
ANNIVERSARY ON EARTH,
355
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,414
OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY
AS HUMANS.
356
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,583
DO YOU THINK
WE'LL EVER REALLY KNOW
EVERYTHING THERE IS TO KNOW
357
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:55,719
ABOUT BEING HUMAN?
358
00:20:55,721 --> 00:20:59,289
♪ SILENT NIGHT, OH!
HOLY NIGHT, OH! ♪
359
00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:02,960
♪ ALL IS CALM, WHOO!
ALL IS BRIGHT, OH! ♪
360
00:21:02,962 --> 00:21:06,330
♪ ROUND YON VIRGIN, OH!
MOTHER AND CHILD, HEY! ♪
361
00:21:06,332 --> 00:21:09,767
♪ HOLY INFANT, HO!
SO TENDER AND MILD, HA! ♪
362
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:13,070
♪ SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♪
363
00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:15,973
♪ HEY! SLEEP
IN HEAVENLY PEACE ♪
364
00:21:15,975 --> 00:21:18,943
♪ YOW! SILENT NIGHT, HO! ♪
365
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:20,811
♪ HOLY NIGHT, HEY! ♪
366
00:21:23,015 --> 00:21:25,115
MERRY CHRISTMAS, TOMMY.
367
00:21:29,188 --> 00:21:33,623
- THIS?
- I MADE IT MYSELF.
IT'S THE TWO OF US. SEE?
368
00:21:33,625 --> 00:21:36,126
( laughing )
369
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,128
WHAT I GOT FOR YOU
370
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,131
IS SO MUCH BETTER
THAN THIS!
371
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,133
I MEAN, IT IS A JOKE
HOW MUCH BETTER
372
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:46,070
MY STUFF IS
THAN THIS!
373
00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:49,272
WHICH I LOVE.