1
00:00:06,841 --> 00:00:08,807
SO I SAID TO HER,
“HEY, MOM, YOUR BIRTHDAY

2
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,943
WAS LAST MONTH.
HOIST IT UP YOURSELF.”

3
00:00:10,945 --> 00:00:14,580
- ( audience laughing )
- I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT ARE THEY LAUGHING AT?

4
00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:17,215
ANYWAY, I'M NOT SAYING
MY MOM IS OVERWEIGHT,

5
00:00:17,217 --> 00:00:19,250
BUT SHE'S GOT THAT
FLABBY SKIN UNDER HER ARM.

6
00:00:19,252 --> 00:00:21,820
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
WELL, THE OTHER DAY
THIS WIND PICKS UP,

7
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:23,822
THIS STUFF STARTS JIGGLIN'--

8
00:00:23,824 --> 00:00:26,725
OUT DROPPED A TRICYCLE
I LOST WHEN I WAS SEVEN.

9
00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:30,162
EXCUSE ME.

10
00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:33,431
PERHAPS YOU CAN HELP ME OUT.
THOSE THINGS YOU SAID
ABOUT YOUR MOTHER,

11
00:00:33,433 --> 00:00:35,701
I DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY THEY'RE CONSIDERED FUNNY.

12
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:37,770
- WELL, UM--
- IS IT BECAUSE

13
00:00:37,772 --> 00:00:40,672
THE TONED ARMS THAT ONCE
CRADLED YOU SECURELY

14
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:44,209
NOW HAVE LARGE DEPOSITS
OF CELLULITE HANGING FROM THEM?

15
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,945
- IS AGING FUNNY?
- IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT--

16
00:00:46,947 --> 00:00:49,881
AND YOU!
IS IT ALL THE ALCOHOL
YOU'RE CONSUMING

17
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:52,985
THAT MAKES IT OKAY
TO LAUGH AT THE EXPENSE
OF YOUR LOVED ONES?

18
00:00:52,987 --> 00:00:57,322
HE'S RIGHT!
I LOVE MY FAT MAMA!

19
00:00:57,324 --> 00:00:59,390
AND YOU'RE
A BAD MAN!

20
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:05,664
DR. ALBRIGHT,

21
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,967
HAVE YOU EVER LOST
A TRICYCLE IN YOUR MOTHER?

22
00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:13,138
PLEASE, DICK,
I AM IN A CRUDDY MOOD.

23
00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:15,707
THIS FUNDRAISER IS TURNING OUT
TO BE A NIGHTMARE.

24
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:18,843
<i> ( chuckling softly )</i>

25
00:01:24,385 --> 00:01:28,453
WELL, WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?
YOU JUST SAID YOU WERE
IN A CRUDDY MOOD.

26
00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:32,524
OH, IT'S THESE JOKES
BEN LITTMEYER GAVE ME AT LUNCH.

27
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,993
BEN LITTMEYER,
FROM THE SOCIOLOGY DEPARTMENT?

28
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:38,096
YES.  OH, HE HAS
THE BEST SENSE OF HUMOR.

29
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,566
I FINALLY CONVINCED HIM
TO HOST THE FUNDRAISER.

30
00:01:40,568 --> 00:01:42,568
WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU
ASK ME TO DO IT?

31
00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,970
I HAVE A WONDERFUL
SENSE OF HUMOR.

32
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:47,139
NINA, COME IN HERE.

33
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:49,574
I HAVE A WONDERFUL
SENSE OF HUMOR, DON'T I?

34
00:01:51,679 --> 00:01:53,611
OH!

35
00:01:55,448 --> 00:01:57,949
- SEE?
- OH!

36
00:01:57,951 --> 00:02:00,585
THIS IS AN IMPORTANT
FUNDRAISER FOR PENDLETON,

37
00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:03,788
AND BEN CAN GET
THOSE FAT CATS TO
COUGH UP SOME CASH.

38
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:07,259
WELL, I CAN MAKE
A FAT CAT COUGH.

39
00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:09,561
I CAN EVEN
MAKE HIM VOMIT.

40
00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:12,564
THANKS, DICK, BUT BEN
ALREADY SAID YES.

41
00:02:12,566 --> 00:02:15,600
- YOU DON'T THINK I'M FUNNY?
- OH, DICK,

42
00:02:15,602 --> 00:02:19,638
YOU'RE LOVING
AND INTELLIGENT
AND SEXY--

43
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,841
- AND FUNNY?
- OH!  I HAVE A CLASS!

44
00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:25,911
I<i> AM</i> FUNNY!
I<i> AM</i> FUNNY!

45
00:02:25,913 --> 00:02:27,913
I<i> AM!</i>

46
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:29,848
<i> ( '50s rock music playing )</i>

47
00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,918
WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR COAT?

48
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:08,586
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED TO IT,

49
00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:11,689
SO MS. DUBCEK LET ME
BORROW THIS ONE.

50
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:14,826
SWEET WOMAN.

51
00:03:14,828 --> 00:03:17,029
SO YOU LOST YOUR COAT?
OH, TOUGH BREAK.

52
00:03:17,031 --> 00:03:21,033
I LOST MORE
THAN A COAT, TOMMY!

53
00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:24,503
I LOST A FRIEND,

54
00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:26,505
A BUDDY,

55
00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:29,607
A COMPANION WHO KEPT ME
WARM WHEN IT WAS COLD

56
00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:31,976
AND WARMER
WHEN IT WAS REALLY

57
00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:35,113
SORT OF TOO HOT
TO BE WEARING A COAT.

58
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,984
TOMMY,

59
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:42,087
LOOK, YOU'RE
THE INFORMATION OFFICER.

60
00:03:42,089 --> 00:03:44,890
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THIS THING THEY CALL
A SENSE OF HUMOR?

61
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:47,091
ALL I KNOW IS,
THAT'S NOT IT.

62
00:03:48,862 --> 00:03:50,862
LIEUTENANT,
I NEED YOUR HELP.

63
00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:52,864
I NEED YOU TO FIND OUT
WHAT'S FUNNY.

64
00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:55,133
OH, I CAN'T.
I'VE GOT TO BUILD THIS--

65
00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:57,369
I RAN OUT OF ROOM
FOR MY SHOES.

66
00:03:57,371 --> 00:03:59,804
WELL, THIS IS
MORE IMPORTANT.
IT'S ABOUT ME!

67
00:03:59,806 --> 00:04:02,641
WELL, HOW AM I
SUPPOSED TO KNOW
WHAT'S FUNNY?

68
00:04:02,643 --> 00:04:05,377
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT
ABOUT A SENSE
OF HUMOR ANYWAY?

69
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:07,379
OH, COME ON, TOMMY.

70
00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,146
HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOR
IS HAVING THE POWER

71
00:04:09,148 --> 00:04:12,083
TO TRANSFORM SOMEONE'S MOOD,

72
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:14,086
TO LIFT HIS SPIRIT.

73
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:17,288
YOU GIVE IT TO
SOMEONE YOU LOVE
WHEN SHE REALLY NEEDS IT.

74
00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:21,226
AND I JUST FOUND OUT TODAY
THAT MARY'S BEEN GETTING IT
FROM ANOTHER MAN.

75
00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:26,565
DICK, I THINK THIS WHOLE
“BEING FUNNY” THING
IS JUST INNATE.

76
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:30,468
- WHAT DO YOU THINK,
LIEUTENANT?
- WHAT DO I THINK?

77
00:04:30,470 --> 00:04:33,104
- I THINK EITHER
YOU GOT IT OR YOU DON'T.
- OH!

78
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:35,373
LOOK WHAT YOU JUST DID!

79
00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:39,845
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU GUYS?

80
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:42,747
COME ON!
WAKE UP, YOU TWO!
COME ON!

81
00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:49,020
HOW AM I EVER GONNA
FIND OUT WHAT'S FUNNY?

82
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:55,227
NO, I DON'T GET IT.
GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE
OF WHAT'S FUNNY.

83
00:04:55,229 --> 00:04:58,162
I THOUGHT THE MOVIE
<i> EMMA</i> WAS REALLY FUNNY.

84
00:05:01,534 --> 00:05:04,202
- WHAT WAS FUNNY ABOUT IT?
- IT WAS FULL OF IRONY.

85
00:05:04,204 --> 00:05:06,905
OKAY, SO IRONY'S FUNNY.

86
00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:09,908
SURE, BECAUSE SOMEONE
SAYS SOMETHING, AND THE
OPPOSITE IS ACTUALLY TRUE.

87
00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:12,344
OH, OKAY, LIKE WHEN
YOU TOLD ME<i> EMMA</i>
WAS GONNA BE

88
00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:14,846
A REALLY GREAT MOVIE,
WHEN ACTUALLY IT
SUCKED OUT LOUD?

89
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:20,885
WELL, APPARENTLY,
IRONY IS A LITTLE TOO
SOPHISTICATED FOR YOU.

90
00:05:20,887 --> 00:05:23,288
EITHER THAT OR YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S FUNNY EITHER.

91
00:05:23,290 --> 00:05:25,890
I... DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S FUNNY?

92
00:05:25,892 --> 00:05:27,959
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW,
AT CAMP,

93
00:05:27,961 --> 00:05:30,295
I WAS VOTED
“MISS WHIMSY.”

94
00:05:31,698 --> 00:05:34,832
WHY?  WAS MISS IRONY KILLED
IN A CANOE ACCIDENT?

95
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:44,242
- HI, DICK.
- OH, UH, MARY.

96
00:05:44,244 --> 00:05:46,244
JUST DOING SOME READING--

97
00:05:46,246 --> 00:05:48,346
SOME PHYSICS READING,
YOU KNOW.

98
00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:50,281
OH, THAT'S NICE.

99
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:52,617
SAY, UH,

100
00:05:52,619 --> 00:05:55,287
AN AMUSING JOKE
JUST CAME TO ME--

101
00:05:55,289 --> 00:05:58,156
YOU KNOW,
OUT OF THE BLUE.

102
00:05:58,158 --> 00:06:00,091
KNOCK, KNOCK.

103
00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:05,029
OKAY.
WHO'S THERE?

104
00:06:06,466 --> 00:06:08,733
UH--

105
00:06:08,735 --> 00:06:11,903
UH, UH,
“WHO'S THERE,” YOU SAY?

106
00:06:11,905 --> 00:06:14,439
UH--

107
00:06:14,441 --> 00:06:17,743
OH, UH, UH, NINA.

108
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:20,745
- “NINA” WHO?
- OUR NINA.

109
00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:24,082
SHE'S RIGHT HERE!
( forced laughter )

110
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:28,219
PLEASE LET ME HOST
THAT FUNDRAISER!

111
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,221
- NO!
- OH!

112
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:33,759
BEN LITTMEYER JUST CALLED.
HE'S GONNA BE A FEW MINUTES
LATE FOR LUNCH.

113
00:06:33,761 --> 00:06:35,761
OH, ANOTHER LUNCH
WITH BEN.

114
00:06:35,763 --> 00:06:37,763
I SEE.

115
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:40,565
HOW FUNNY FOR YOU.

116
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,835
WELL, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO JOIN US?  WE COULD
MAKE IT A THREESOME.

117
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:46,004
I DON'T GO THAT WAY, MARY.

118
00:06:52,479 --> 00:06:54,479
FINE!

119
00:06:54,481 --> 00:06:58,182
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,
GARLIC GUM.

120
00:06:58,184 --> 00:07:00,952
OH, UH, HARRY,
HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE A NICE PIECE

121
00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:03,688
- OF PERFECTLY
ORDINARY GUM?
- OKAY.

122
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,693
MMM!
GARLICKY.

123
00:07:08,695 --> 00:07:10,795
WELL, I HAD
A GREAT DAY.

124
00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:13,331
I HAVEN'T LEARNED A THING
ABOUT COMEDY, AND AUGUST
AND I HAD A HUGE FIGHT.

125
00:07:13,333 --> 00:07:16,201
OH, WELL, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE A NICE DOUGHNUT

126
00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:19,103
FROM THIS BAG
LABELED “DONUTS”?

127
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,473
AHH!
YOU TOUCHED
DOGGY DOODY!

128
00:07:22,475 --> 00:07:24,475
WAAH!

129
00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:27,178
SINCE WHEN
IS DOGGY DOODY
MADE IN TAIWAN?

130
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:30,682
THEY HAVE DOGS
IN TAIWAN-- BIG ONES.

131
00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:33,484
- FUNNY, RIGHT?
- I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW,

132
00:07:33,486 --> 00:07:36,354
I DON'T THINK
I'M EVER GONNA SEE
MY COAT AGAIN.

133
00:07:36,356 --> 00:07:39,790
HARRY, WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
YOU'LL FEEL A LOT BETTER.

134
00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:43,361
- RIGHT HERE.
-<i> ( farting noise )</i>

135
00:07:43,363 --> 00:07:46,764
- EXCUSE ME.
- DAMN!

136
00:07:50,337 --> 00:07:53,071
YOU KNOW, AT LEAST
I CAN TAKE COMFORT

137
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:55,707
IN KNOWING THAT
I TREATED MY COAT WELL.

138
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,776
SUCH AS YESTERDAY.
IT WAS HOT ON THE BUS.

139
00:07:58,778 --> 00:08:00,846
I TOOK IT OFF
AND FOLDED IT NEATLY

140
00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:04,148
AND PLACED IT
UNDER THE SHADE OF MY SEAT.

141
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:08,286
- WHAT?
- YOU LEFT IT ON THE BUS.

142
00:08:08,288 --> 00:08:12,490
- NO-O-O!
- YOU KNOW, THEY HAVE
A LOST AND FOUND, HARRY.

143
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,693
OH, YOU MEAN, I MIGHT
SEE MY COAT AGAIN?

144
00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:19,698
- OH, I AM SO HAPPY.
- ( all screaming )

145
00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:22,266
DICK, I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THIS “HUMOR” THING.

146
00:08:22,268 --> 00:08:24,402
WHY DON'T YOU TRY
WHAT THOSE GUYS
ON TV DO?

147
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:27,371
- EVERYBODY SAYS THEY'RE FUNNY?
- OH, YEAH, THOSE GUYS!

148
00:08:27,373 --> 00:08:29,307
YOU KNOW--

149
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:38,149
WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!

150
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:45,323
THE McLAUGHLIN GROUP?
NO.

151
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,892
THEY'RE NOT FUNNY
AT ALL!

152
00:08:57,136 --> 00:08:59,136
- OH, HELLO, DICK.
- HELLO, BEN.

153
00:08:59,138 --> 00:09:01,739
- I'M WAITING FOR MARY.
- I'M SLEEPING WITH MARY.

154
00:09:02,809 --> 00:09:06,210
OH.  OKAY.

155
00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:10,115
SO FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD,
YOU'RE QUITE THE
PROFESSOR FUNNYPANTS.

156
00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:12,617
- WELL, I--
- IT'S SEEMS THAT
YOU HAVE MARY

157
00:09:12,619 --> 00:09:15,887
WRAPPED AROUND
YOUR LITTLE FUNNY BONE.

158
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:19,423
BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU,
I AM A FAR TOUGHER...

159
00:09:19,425 --> 00:09:22,160
“BONE-WRAPPER-ER.”

160
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:25,196
I THINK I'LL WAIT
OUTSIDE.

161
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:27,899
MAKE ME LAUGH,
FUNNY MAN.

162
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,935
WELL, I'M NOT
A COMEDIAN.

163
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:33,204
IT'S JUST THAT FUNNY THINGS
JUST SEEM TO HAPPEN TO ME.

164
00:09:33,206 --> 00:09:36,408
- OH, REALLY?  LIKE WHAT?
- WELL, LIKE, LAST WEEK
I WAS AT A BUS STOP,

165
00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:39,310
AND IT SUDDENLY
STARTED RAINING-- POURING!

166
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:41,579
AND I LOOK OVER
AND I SEE THIS

167
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,748
GORGEOUS GRAD STUDENT,

168
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,750
AND SHE'S LOOKING AT ME

169
00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:48,486
LIKE A KID WITH BRACES
LOOKING AT A CANDY APPLE.

170
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:50,421
MMM, NO.
NOT FUNNY.

171
00:09:50,423 --> 00:09:52,523
WELL, I'M ABOUT
TO SAY HELLO,

172
00:09:52,525 --> 00:09:56,927
WHEN I SUDDENLY REALIZE
THAT MY HAIR HAS
FLIPPED FORWARD.

173
00:09:56,929 --> 00:10:00,531
HERE I AM,
STANDING IN THE RAIN
WITH MY VERY OWN AWNING.

174
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:04,035
WELL, FINALLY
THE BUS ARRIVED

175
00:10:04,037 --> 00:10:06,037
AND THE DOOR OPENED,

176
00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:08,273
THE COMPRESSOR KICKED IN,

177
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:11,476
AND THIS EUROPEAN
WEAVE OF MINE

178
00:10:11,478 --> 00:10:13,678
GOT SUCKED
RIGHT INTO THE BUS!

179
00:10:13,680 --> 00:10:16,081
WELL,
THERE I WAS,

180
00:10:16,083 --> 00:10:18,416
IN FRONT OF
THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL

181
00:10:18,418 --> 00:10:20,685
AND CHASING THAT BUS

182
00:10:20,687 --> 00:10:22,787
AND CHASING MY HAIR--

183
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:25,023
UP AND DOWN,
CHASING!

184
00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:27,859
AND I COULDN'T--
I JUST-- OH!

185
00:10:27,861 --> 00:10:29,994
- OH!  OH!
-<i> ( Dick laughing )</i>

186
00:10:29,996 --> 00:10:31,997
THIS IS NOT GOOD.

187
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:35,934
YES!  YES, IT IS!
THE BUS STOLE YOUR HAIR!

188
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:38,336
CALL 911!

189
00:10:38,338 --> 00:10:40,872
911!

190
00:10:40,874 --> 00:10:45,009
- MARY WAS SO RIGHT
ABOUT YOU, BEN!
- ( groaning )

191
00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:48,780
- WHAT'S GOING ON?
- BEN'S BEEN TELLING ME
THE FUNNIEST STORY

192
00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:52,316
- ABOUT THE BUS
AND THE GIRL AND THE--
- ( gasps )

193
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,419
- CALL 911!
- YOU'VE HEARD
THIS ONE BEFORE!

194
00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:07,732
I'M TELLING YOU,
BEN'S HEART STOPPING
TEMPORARILY

195
00:11:07,734 --> 00:11:10,467
WAS THE BEST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED
TO ME.

196
00:11:10,469 --> 00:11:12,436
HE'S GETTING
SOME MUCH-NEEDED BED REST,

197
00:11:12,438 --> 00:11:14,673
AND I'M EMCEEING
THE FUNDRAISER TOMORROW NIGHT.

198
00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:18,076
- HOW DID YOU MANAGE THAT?
- I PROMISED DR. ALBRIGHT
I'D STICK TO BEN'S SCRIPT.

199
00:11:18,078 --> 00:11:20,612
- ARE YOU GONNA?
- NO.

200
00:11:20,614 --> 00:11:23,948
ALL RIGHT, NEXT UP
ON OPEN-MIKE NIGHT,
VERY FUNNY MAN--

201
00:11:23,950 --> 00:11:26,150
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR DICK SOLOMON.

202
00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:32,991
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!

203
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:35,660
THANKS A LOT!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!

204
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:37,695
NOW,

205
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,264
I'M GONNA
TELL YOU SOME JOKES.

206
00:11:40,266 --> 00:11:42,834
JOKE ONE:

207
00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:44,836
I WENT FISHING
LAST WEEK.

208
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:47,371
MY PERMIT SAID
I COULD ONLY CATCH FIVE.

209
00:11:47,373 --> 00:11:50,875
OH, I CAUGHT FIVE,
ALL RIGHT, AS IN 35.

210
00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:53,077
( forced laughter )

211
00:11:55,214 --> 00:11:58,216
- WAS THAT FUNNY?
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

212
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,652
BUT YOU KNOW--

213
00:12:01,654 --> 00:12:03,721
POT-STICKERS,
WHAT ARE THEY ALL ABOUT?

214
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:07,859
HAA-HAA!

215
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,827
OKAY, JOKE NUMBER TWO:

216
00:12:11,097 --> 00:12:13,564
SOME TERMITES--

217
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:17,602
I MEAN, HUGE TERMITES--
ATE MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT.

218
00:12:22,408 --> 00:12:25,543
UH, IT'S GONE.
IT'S COMPLETELY GONE.

219
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:28,012
UH, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S THE JOKE.

220
00:12:28,014 --> 00:12:30,081
- REALLY SUCK.
- REALLY.

221
00:12:30,083 --> 00:12:32,350
Dick:
<i> WHERE ARE YOU GOING?</i>
<i> WAIT.</i>

222
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,786
WAIT.
WHERE ARE<i> YOU</i> GOING?

223
00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:38,289
HEY, LOOK!
A BALD GUY.
AM I RIGHT?

224
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:41,292
HAA-HAA!

225
00:12:44,330 --> 00:12:47,264
SO, WHO DO YOU THINK'S
FUNNY IN OUR CLASS?

226
00:12:47,266 --> 00:12:51,135
UM, ALAN GIMBALL.

227
00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:54,572
- ALAN GIMBALL?  WHY?
- 'CAUSE HE'S 20.

228
00:12:58,144 --> 00:13:00,545
OH, SO-- SO YOU THINK
DUMB PEOPLE ARE FUNNY?

229
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,915
IT THEY'RE
THAT DUMB, YEAH.

230
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,950
YOU KNOW WHO
I THINK IS FUNNY?
DAVID BARRETT.

231
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,787
- OH, YEAH, HE'S HYSTERICAL.
- HE IS SO CLEVER.

232
00:13:08,789 --> 00:13:11,322
I MEANT BECAUSE
HE LOOKS LIKE A BIG DORK.

233
00:13:13,292 --> 00:13:14,725
WHAT?

234
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,828
- ALL RIGHT,
LET'S INSTALL THIS BABY.
- SWEET!

235
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,040
- DID YOU MEASURE
THE SHELVES?
- YES.

236
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:31,042
- DID YOU MEASURE
THE CLOSET?
- YES.

237
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:34,445
- DID YOU MEASURE THE DOOR?
- DAMN!

238
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:37,047
LISTEN, IF IT'S
STORAGE YOU'RE AFTER,

239
00:13:37,049 --> 00:13:39,684
YOU CAN PUT IT
IN THE HALL CLOSET
DOWNSTAIRS.

240
00:13:39,686 --> 00:13:41,752
LET ME GET
THE DOOR FOR YOU.

241
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:44,188
ALL RIGHT.
KEEP IT SIDEWAYS.

242
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:46,357
HERE WE GO.

243
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,359
<i> ( phone ringing )</i>

244
00:13:48,361 --> 00:13:52,130
- UH, DUBCEK, HOLD THIS.
- I GOT IT.

245
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:54,798
<i> I GOT IT.  NO PROBLEM.</i>
<i> I GOT IT.  NO PROBLEM.</i>

246
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:56,800
<i> NO PROBLEM.</i>

247
00:13:56,802 --> 00:14:00,104
HELLO?
YEAH, JUST A SECOND.
HARRY, FOR YOU.

248
00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:02,440
<i> ( Mrs. Dubcek screaming )</i>

249
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:05,743
<i> ( cat screeches )</i>

250
00:14:05,745 --> 00:14:07,946
HELLO.

251
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,880
WRONG NUMBER.

252
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:14,218
SHE TOOK IT DOWN
HERSELF.

253
00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:18,455
AH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

254
00:14:18,457 --> 00:14:21,092
YOU HAD THE GUTS TO
GET UP THERE, YOU KNOW?
IT TAKES TIME.

255
00:14:21,094 --> 00:14:23,361
I HAVE TO BE FUNNY
BY TOMORROW NIGHT!

256
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:26,030
YOU'RE NOT
GONNA MAKE IT.

257
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:28,032
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO!

258
00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:30,368
WELL, DON'T
OVER-THINK IT,
YOU KNOW?

259
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,438
JUST TALK ABOUT
THINGS YOU KNOW.
THAT'S WHAT I DO.

260
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:35,440
YEAH.
YOU MAKE FUN

261
00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:37,708
OF YOUR POOR MOTHER'S
FLABBY ARMS.

262
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,744
HEY, THOSE FLABBY-ARM
JOKES MADE HER

263
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,146
THE MOST POPULAR SENIOR
IN FT. MEYERS, FLORIDA.

264
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:46,951
YOU-- YOU MEAN,
SHE DOESN'T HATE YOU
FOR IT?

265
00:14:46,953 --> 00:14:49,553
HATE ME?  NO.

266
00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:53,491
SHE LOVES ME FOR IT.
IT'S A JOKE.

267
00:14:53,493 --> 00:14:55,760
YOU MEAN,

268
00:14:55,762 --> 00:14:58,762
TRICYCLES DON'T REALLY
FALL OUT OF HER ARMS?

269
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,200
UH, NO.

270
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:05,970
OH, MY GOD!
OF COURSE THEY DON'T!

271
00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:08,772
I MEAN, JUST THINK
HOW FLABBY HER ARMS
WOULD HAVE TO BE

272
00:15:08,774 --> 00:15:12,510
FOR A TRICYCLE
TO BE UP IN THERE,
AND FOR SO MANY YEARS.

273
00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:16,814
AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN
NOTICE IT, NOT EVEN
WHEN SHE TOOK A SHOWER.

274
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:20,418
THAT'S HYSTERICAL.
I GET IT.

275
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:22,887
I GET THE JOKE!

276
00:15:22,889 --> 00:15:25,823
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!

277
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,362
THIS SHOULD BE FUN.

278
00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:35,299
UM, I'D LIKE TO
WELCOME YOU ALL
HERE TONIGHT.

279
00:15:35,301 --> 00:15:37,368
BEFORE WE GO
ANY FURTHER,

280
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:41,271
I THINK THAT
WE SHOULD ALL ACKNOWLEDGE
THE SENSATIONAL JOB

281
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:44,742
THAT MY ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE
DR. MARY ALBRIGHT HAS DONE

282
00:15:44,744 --> 00:15:48,913
IN ORGANIZING THIS
TRULY WORTHWHILE EVENT.
DR. ALBRIGHT.

283
00:15:53,252 --> 00:15:57,021
DON'T YOU LOVE DR. ALBRIGHT?
I KNOW I DO.

284
00:15:57,023 --> 00:15:59,590
NOW, I KNOW MANY
OF YOU ARE WONDERING,

285
00:15:59,592 --> 00:16:01,626
WHAT'S WITH HER
LONG SLEEVES?

286
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,661
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.

287
00:16:03,663 --> 00:16:06,163
IT'S TO COVER UP
HER FLABBY ARMS.

288
00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:13,103
SHE SHOOK THEM THE OTHER DAY,
AND THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS
FELL OUT.

289
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:19,377
SHE'S, UH--
SHE'S QUITE OLD
ALSO, YOU SEE.

290
00:16:20,913 --> 00:16:23,280
BUT YOU KNOW,
AS SWEET AND WONDERFUL

291
00:16:23,282 --> 00:16:25,516
AS DR. ALBRIGHT IS,

292
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:27,651
SHE CAN ALSO BE
SOMEWHAT DOMINEERING,

293
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,754
POWER-HUNGRY
AND HOSTILE,

294
00:16:29,756 --> 00:16:31,956
AND I THINK I FINALLY
FIGURED OUT WHY.

295
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,091
DR. ALBRIGHT,
WHILE YOU MAY NOT HAVE

296
00:16:34,093 --> 00:16:36,294
A MAN'S GENITALIA,

297
00:16:36,296 --> 00:16:39,096
AT LEAST YOU HAVE
HIS RAZOR STUBBLE.

298
00:16:46,772 --> 00:16:49,373
OH, OH, OH!  OH!
AND THERE'S NINA.

299
00:16:49,375 --> 00:16:52,709
<i> NINA IS DR. ALBRIGHT'S</i>
<i> ASSISTANT.</i>

300
00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:55,146
NINA, STAND UP, STAND UP.
COME ON, STAND UP.

301
00:16:55,148 --> 00:16:57,714
SHOW EVERYBODY
HOW YOU PUT THE “ASS”

302
00:16:57,716 --> 00:16:59,650
<i> IN “ASSISTANT.”</i>

303
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:06,457
- I LEFT MY COAT ON THE BUS.
- CAN YOU DESCRIBE IT?

304
00:17:06,459 --> 00:17:08,792
YES, IT HAD EIGHT WHEELS,
HARD PLASTIC SEATS,

305
00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:12,196
AND WHEN IT STOPPED,
IT WENT, “SH-H-H-H”"

306
00:17:12,198 --> 00:17:14,732
- HARRY, HE MEANS THE COAT.
- OH, OH!

307
00:17:14,734 --> 00:17:17,468
UM, WELL, IT KIND OF
LOOKED LIKE THIS ONE,
ONLY IT WAS FURRY--

308
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:20,237
DON'T HAVE IT.
NEXT.

309
00:17:20,239 --> 00:17:22,039
- NIGHT, EDDIE.
- SEE YOU MONDAY.

310
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:27,545
- HE'S GOT MY COAT.
- HARRY, BE A MAN.

311
00:17:35,254 --> 00:17:37,254
HEY, MISTER,

312
00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:39,356
THAT'S MY COAT.

313
00:17:39,358 --> 00:17:42,293
- NO, IT ISN'T.
- YEAH, THAT'S HIS COAT.

314
00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:45,529
IF IT'S HIS COAT,
HOW COME I'M WEARING IT?

315
00:17:45,531 --> 00:17:47,498
GOOD POINT.

316
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,833
<i> ( blow lands )</i>

317
00:17:52,505 --> 00:17:55,739
- HEY, BABES.
- GOOD MORNING, DICK.

318
00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:59,142
- DID YOU SLEEP WELL?
- ONCE THE ADRENALINE
WORE OFF,

319
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:01,144
LIKE A BABY.

320
00:18:01,146 --> 00:18:03,814
WHEN YOU'VE BEEN RIDING
THE BULLET TRAIN TO “YUK-VILLE”"

321
00:18:03,816 --> 00:18:05,315
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO SLOW DOWN.

322
00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:08,652
I'VE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT
FAXING JOKES TO LENO.

323
00:18:08,654 --> 00:18:11,855
WHAT HAVE WE HERE?

324
00:18:11,857 --> 00:18:14,925
ELEVEN
BANANA CREAM PIES!

325
00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:17,394
ONE FOR EVERY
LETTER IN MY NAME.
AM I RIGHT?

326
00:18:17,396 --> 00:18:21,465
- RIGHT.
- OH, GIRLS.

327
00:18:21,467 --> 00:18:25,836
- YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE.
- OH, WE HAD TO.

328
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,905
REALLY.

329
00:18:27,907 --> 00:18:30,174
YOU WERE SO FUNNY
LAST NIGHT.

330
00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:32,643
- OH.
- I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU COULD HELP US OUT.

331
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:34,845
OH, I'D BE DELIGHTED
TO SHARE MY...

332
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,847
COMEDIC EXPERTISE.

333
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:39,116
WE WHO ARE CLOWNS
ARE KNOWN FOR
OUR GENEROSITY.

334
00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:42,720
MAYBE YOU CAN HELP US
SETTLE AN ARGUMENT
WE WERE HAVING.

335
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:46,456
- SHOOT.
- WHAT'S FUNNIER?

336
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:48,392
THIS...

337
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,396
OR THIS?

338
00:18:54,466 --> 00:18:57,268
OR... IS TWO
AT ONCE FUNNY?

339
00:19:00,606 --> 00:19:02,540
HOW ABOUT...

340
00:19:04,711 --> 00:19:06,644
THIS?

341
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:12,450
IS THIS FUNNY?

342
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:18,155
I THINK...

343
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,157
THIS IS FUNNY.

344
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:23,794
YOU ARE SO RIGHT!

345
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:28,566
THAT<i> IS</i> FUNNY!

346
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:48,251
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR HELPING US.

347
00:19:48,253 --> 00:19:51,254
I'M GLAD I COULD
BE OF SERVICE.

348
00:19:51,256 --> 00:19:54,124
NOW IF YOU'LL
EXCUSE ME,

349
00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:56,794
I HAVE A CLASS
TO TEACH.

350
00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:09,740
YOU KNOW, IT'S
A REMARKABLE FEELING

351
00:20:09,742 --> 00:20:11,642
TO BE ABLE TO MAKE
SOMEONE ELSE LAUGH.

352
00:20:11,644 --> 00:20:13,877
IT'S ALMOST AS IF
YOU HAVE THE POWER

353
00:20:13,879 --> 00:20:16,446
TO GET INSIDE THEIR BRAIN
AND TICKLE IT.

354
00:20:16,448 --> 00:20:19,717
( scoffs )
I CAN DO THAT
WITH A CHOPSTICK.

355
00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:21,819
IMAGINE HOW DIFFERENT
WAR WOULD BE

356
00:20:21,821 --> 00:20:23,353
IF INSTEAD OF TRYING
TO KILL EACH OTHER,

357
00:20:23,355 --> 00:20:25,455
PEOPLE JUST SHOWED UP
ARMED WITH JOKES.

358
00:20:25,457 --> 00:20:27,724
BUT YOU COULD STILL
HAVE GUNS, RIGHT?

359
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:30,060
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,
EVENTUALLY YOU'D
STOP LAUGHING

360
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:33,097
AND WANT TO GET ON
WITH THE KILLING.

361
00:20:33,099 --> 00:20:36,334
- YOU KNOW WHAT I FOUND OUT?
HUMOR'S SUBJECTIVE.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

362
00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,402
WELL, I THOUGHT THE FACT THAT
NO ONE WAS LAUGHING AT YOU

363
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:40,137
AT THE COMEDY CLUB
WAS HYSTERICAL.

364
00:20:40,139 --> 00:20:41,505
- OH, I LOVED THAT.
- VERY FUNNY.

365
00:20:41,507 --> 00:20:42,973
NO, NO.
NO, THAT WASN'T FUNNY.

366
00:20:42,975 --> 00:20:44,975
- SEE?
- WHICH IS ALSO IRONIC.

367
00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:49,079
YOU WERE AT A COMEDY CLUB,
AND NO ONE WAS LAUGHING.

368
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,715
HEY, SHUT UP,
ALL OF YOU!

369
00:20:53,219 --> 00:20:56,187
WELL, I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE
MY FURRY LITTLE FRIEND
FOR A WALK.

370
00:20:56,189 --> 00:20:58,422
HE'S BEEN LOCKED
IN THE BASEMENT ALL WEEK.

371
00:20:58,424 --> 00:21:01,825
YOU KNOW,
WHY DO THEY CALL IT
A “FUR COAT” ANYWAY?

372
00:21:01,827 --> 00:21:05,396
IT'S NOT MADE OF FUR
AND IT'S NOT A COAT.

373
00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:08,599
UH, ACTUALLY, HARRY,
IT'S BOTH THOSE THINGS.

374
00:21:08,601 --> 00:21:10,667
IT WAS A JOKE.

375
00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:12,636
All: OHH!

376
00:21:12,638 --> 00:21:14,505
( all laughing )

377
00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:16,474
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

378
00:21:21,013 --> 00:21:23,481
<i> ( '50s rock music playing )</i>