1 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:06,204 - ( turkeys gobbling ) - Man on TV: The big day is tomorrow, 2 00:00:06,206 --> 00:00:09,240 And these turkeys seem to know what's coming their way. 3 00:00:09,242 --> 00:00:11,610 ( gobbling continues ) 4 00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,545 ( gobbling ) 5 00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:22,488 IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD! 6 00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:24,556 WAIT, WAIT. WHAT'S GOING ON? 7 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,560 THERE'S A TERRIBLE CRISIS. 8 00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:31,263 WE WERE AT THE STORE, AND THE PLACE WAS A MADHOUSE. 9 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,432 PEOPLE WERE CRAMMING EVERYTHING THEY COULD INTO THEIR CARTS, 10 00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:36,035 ESPECIALLY THESE GIANT BALLS OF BUTTER. 11 00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:38,036 I GOT ONE FOR EACH OF US. 12 00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,439 I'M TELLING YOU, SOMETHING IS UP. THE RADIO SAID 13 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:43,041 THE AIRPORTS WERE JAMMED WITH PEOPLE TRYING TO GET OUT OF TOWN. 14 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,444 AS A MATTER OF FACT, I JUST SAW A REPORT ON A TURKEY RANCH, 15 00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:48,213 AND THOSE BIRDS WERE TALKING APOCALYPSE. 16 00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:52,350 - APOCALYPSE? - WELL, MORE LIKE “APOCALOPOLIS.” 17 00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:55,454 WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN? 18 00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,756 WELL, I HAVE A THOUGHT-- WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! 19 00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,825 ALL RIGHT, LET'S NOT PANIC. 20 00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:01,960 TONIGHT WE'LL TURN OFF THE LIGHTS AND HUNKER DOWN IN THE KITCHEN. 21 00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,629 TOMORROW MORNING I'LL MAKE A RUN TO THE UNIVERSITY AND FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON. 22 00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,898 - POLICE AND SECURE THE PERIMETER! - All: WHAT? 23 00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,401 - LOCK THE DOORS! - OH, YEAH! 24 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,969 OW! 25 00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:14,973 Dick: HELLO? HELLO? MARY! 26 00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:17,442 MARY! ( gasps ) 27 00:01:17,444 --> 00:01:20,879 MARY, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOUR HAIR? 28 00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:23,615 - SPEAK TO ME, MARY! - ( screaming ) 29 00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,350 ( yelling ) 30 00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:27,619 DR. SOLOMON, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 31 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,621 I'M TRYING TO FIND MARY, 32 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:32,490 BUT SHE'S PROBABLY ALREADY DEAD! ( sobbing ) 33 00:01:32,492 --> 00:01:35,527 ARE YOU SURE SHE'S NOT HOME EATING A BIG MEAL, 34 00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:38,530 CELEBRATING THE HOLIDAY? 35 00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:41,099 "HOLIDAY"? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "HOLIDAY"? 36 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,202 - IT'S THANKSGIVING. - OHH! 37 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,204 SO IT'S NOT THE APOCALYPSE. 38 00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:48,206 IT'S-- WHAT DID YOU CALL IT? 39 00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:51,009 THANKSGIVING. 40 00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:54,679 YOU SHOULD BE HOME WITH YOUR LOVED ONES AROUND A DINNER TABLE, 41 00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:57,081 GIVING THANKS FOR WHAT YOU'VE GOT. 42 00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:59,083 BUT-- WELL, WHY ARE YOU HERE? 43 00:01:59,085 --> 00:02:02,453 YEAH, WELL, I TOOK ST. PATRICK'S DAY OFF. 44 00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:06,558 FOR SIX MONTHS. 45 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,360 - SO-- SO MARY ISN'T DEAD? - PROBABLY NOT. 46 00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:11,362 - SHE'S GIVING THANKS. - THAT'S RIGHT. 47 00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:13,365 - WITH HER LOVED ONES. - YEAH. 48 00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:17,602 BUT-- BUT-- BUT THAT'S ME! 49 00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:19,904 GO ON HOME. 50 00:02:19,906 --> 00:02:22,340 HAVE A BEER. TAKE A NAP. 51 00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:24,543 YOU'LL FEEL LIKE A HUMAN BEING. 52 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:27,245 WELL, OF COURSE I WILL, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I AM, 53 00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:29,214 A HUMAN BEING. 54 00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:32,317 AND OVERLOOKING THE HOLIDAYS 55 00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:35,754 WAS SIMPLY... HUMAN ERROR. 56 00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:37,689 ( '50s rock music playing ) 57 00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:10,422 ( gasps ) OH, DICK! WE GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE! 58 00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:12,757 IT'S GOTTEN WORSE. THEY'VE STOPPED DELIVERING THE MAIL. 59 00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:14,693 OF COURSE THEY HAVE. 60 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:18,429 SOMEONE'S TAKEN OVER THE AIRWAVES. THERE'S A TERRIFYING PARADE ON EVERY CHANNEL! 61 00:03:18,431 --> 00:03:20,498 OF COURSE THERE IS. 62 00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:23,968 - I GOT THE GNOME! I GOT THE GNOME! - HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY. 63 00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:27,439 SLOW DOWN THERE, SPEEDBOAT. 64 00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,440 IT'S JUST THANKSGIVING. 65 00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:32,477 - All: "THANKS-WHAT-ING"? - THANKSGIVING, IT'S A HOLIDAY. 66 00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:36,147 LIKE BIG, GIANT HEAD DAY? 67 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:39,751 SIMILAR, EXCEPT NOBODY GETS THROWN INTO THE SUN. 68 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:43,221 IT'S A NATIONAL HOLIDAY. EVERYBODY GETS TO TAKE THE DAY OFF. 69 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,890 - ( all exclaiming ) - EXCEPT FOR SALLY. 70 00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:49,227 - WHAT? - SHE HAS TO GO INTO THE KITCHEN AND MAKE AN ENORMOUS FEAST. 71 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:53,164 GREAT. OUR FIRST HOLIDAY ON EARTH, AND I GOT TO COOK. 72 00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:56,968 AND THEN AFTER WE EAT, WE HAVE TO GIVE THANKS. 73 00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,704 TO ME? FOR COOKING? 74 00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:03,341 - OHH! - ( chuckling ) SALLY... 75 00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:07,178 NO, NO, WE HAVE TO GIVE THANKS FOR SOMETHING BIGGER, 76 00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:10,381 SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT, SOMETHING LIKE-- 77 00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:14,419 WELL, NOT THIS, BUT SOMETHING LIKE HOW GOOD LOOKING I AM. 78 00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,955 MAYBE IF WE JUST RUN IT THROUGH, IT'LL HIT US. 79 00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,890 WHY SHOULD WE RUN THROUGH ANYTHING? 80 00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:20,892 'CAUSE I CALLED MARY. SHE'S COMING OVER. 81 00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,861 - BUT WHAT IF WE GET IT WRONG? IT'LL GIVE US AWAY. - NOW, LOOK, MEN, 82 00:04:23,863 --> 00:04:27,365 WHEN WE FIRST LANDED ON THIS PLANET, WE DIDN'T KNOW SQUAT. 83 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:30,936 WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE WORD “SQUAT” MEANT. 84 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:34,706 - AND WE HAD TO FIND OUT THE HARD WAY. - AND IT HURT. 85 00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:38,010 ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS FIND A HUMAN EXAMPLE AND FOLLOW IT. 86 00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:40,679 - HELLO, HELLO, EVERYBODY! - MRS. DUBCEK. 87 00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:43,181 CLOSE ENOUGH. 88 00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:46,351 HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY. THIS IS MY DAUGHTER, VICKI. 89 00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:49,688 OH, I DIDN'T KNOW MS. DUBCEK HAD A-- ( purring ) 90 00:04:51,358 --> 00:04:54,760 I MEAN, HELLO-O-O-O-O. 91 00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:58,830 HI. YOU HAVE GREAT HAIR. 92 00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:02,767 SO, UH, WHAT ARE YOU LADIES DOING FOR THANKSGIVING? 93 00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:05,837 - WE'RE GOING OFF TO THE BEEF 'N' GRIDDLE. - OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT. 94 00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:08,105 YOU'RE COMING OVER TO OUR HOUSE TO HELP US. 95 00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:11,342 - UH, CELEBRATE. - YEAH, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING. 96 00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:14,346 UH, CELEBRATE. 97 00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:18,382 - WHAT DO YOU SAY, VICK? - I SAY, WHAT THE HELL? 98 00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:20,519 THEN “WHAT THE HEL”" IT IS. 99 00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,425 - TURKEY, NO TURKEY. - OH! OH! 100 00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:29,494 TURKEY, NO TURKEY. 101 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,029 - TURKEY... - OHH! 102 00:05:32,031 --> 00:05:34,766 A-NO TURKEY. 103 00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:38,103 OH, HARRY, YOU'VE GOT A REAL CHILDLIKE INNOCENCE ABOUT YOU. 104 00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:40,038 IT'S VERY SEXY. 105 00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:43,341 TURKEY. 106 00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:48,613 WOW, THIS IS THE UGLIEST LINGERIE I'VE EVER SEEN. 107 00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:51,816 - BUT BUCKLES. - MMM. 108 00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:53,818 OH, THAT? NO. 109 00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:56,121 THAT'S JUST A COSTUME I WORE IN A THANKSGIVING PLAY 110 00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,123 I DID IN JUNIOR HIGH. 111 00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:01,960 I WAS A PILGRIM, AND EVERY TIME I WORE IT, 112 00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:06,030 I PUT EVERYBODY IN THE THANKSGIVING MOOD. 113 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,174 - TOMMY? - WHAT? 114 00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:19,744 - YOU HEARD WHAT SHE SAID. - FORGET IT, DICK, I'M NOT PUTTING THAT THING ON. 115 00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:22,013 - ONCE AGAIN, YOU LET US DOWN. - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 116 00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:25,116 YOU'RE THE INFORMATION OFFICER. YOU SHOULD HAVE PREPPED US FOR THIS HOLIDAY WEEKS AGO, 117 00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:27,218 AND NOW YOU WON'T WEAR THE COSTUME! 118 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,220 IS THERE ANY END TO YOUR TREACHERY? 119 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:33,024 LOOK DICK, IF IT'S A HOLIDAY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE THE DAY OFF MY BACK. 120 00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:35,026 OH, I WILL. 121 00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:37,962 I WILL NOT ALLOW MY DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOU TO DESTROY THIS FESTIVAL, 122 00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:40,365 EVEN THOUGH THE COSTUME WOULD PUT US ALL IN THE THANKSGIVING MOOD. 123 00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,300 YEAH, WELL, IT'LL PUT ME IN THE CRAPPY MOOD! 124 00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:45,570 YOU'RE ALWAYS IN THE CRAPPY MOOD. NOW, COME ON! PUT IT ON! 125 00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:46,904 - PUT IT ON! - NO! 126 00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:48,039 HAPPY THANKSGIVING! 127 00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,842 OH, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, MARY. 128 00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,010 - PUT IT ON! - NO! 129 00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:55,880 EVER SINCE WE GOT HERE, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT FOR YOU. WHY IS THAT? 130 00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:59,217 - DON'T USE USE THAT TONE OF VOICE WITH ME, OLD MAN. - OH! I'M GOING FOR A WALK. 131 00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:01,820 OH, FINE! AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'RE DAMN READY 132 00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:05,289 - TO SIT DOWN WITH YOUR FAMILY AND HAVE FUN! - ( door slams ) 133 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,694 ( gagging ) 134 00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:18,336 UH... 135 00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:20,639 DUBCEK, SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS THING? 136 00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:24,075 YOU STICK YOUR HAND RIGHT UP THERE AND YANK OUT ITS GUTS. 137 00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:28,680 WHAT'S THE POINT? IT'S ALREADY DEAD. 138 00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,783 - THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE. - ALL RIGHT. 139 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,085 SALLY, LOOK WHO'S HERE. 140 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,154 I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED A LITTLE HELP COOKING. 141 00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:39,691 WHY? DON'T YOU THINK SHE'S EVER COOKED A THANKSGIVING DINNER BEFORE? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK? 142 00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,360 YEAH, YOU DON'T THINK I'VE EVER COOKED A THANKSGIVING DINNER BEFORE? 143 00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:44,929 - NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT. - BECAUSE THANKSGIVING IS NOT NEW TO US. 144 00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:48,700 AND WE'RE CERTAINLY NOT NEW TO THANKSGIVING. 145 00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:51,035 SO, WHEN'S DINNER? 3:00? 146 00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:54,472 - TODAY? - 3:00! ON THE DOT! 147 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,742 ALL RIGHT, MOVE IT. UH, DUBCEK, TAKE OUT THE RELISH TRAY, 148 00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:00,145 AND MARY, HOLD THIS. 149 00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,080 OHH! 150 00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:06,384 OKAY, NOW, DOES THE FORK GO ON THE RIGHT OR ON THE LEFT? 151 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,553 WELL, 152 00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:11,823 THIS GOES HERE, 153 00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,429 AND THIS GOES HERE. 154 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,769 ARE THOSE THE RULES? 155 00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,771 OH, FORGET ABOUT THE RULES, HARRY! 156 00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:29,007 JUST PUT WHATEVER YOU WANT TO PUT WHEREVER YOU WANT TO PUT IT. 157 00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:34,679 CAN I PUT MY SHIRTS IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER? 158 00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:40,084 GO WILD. 159 00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:42,753 OKAY. 160 00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:53,464 MAYBE YOU SHOULD RUB IT WITH A LITTLE MARGARINE BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN. 161 00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:57,034 YOU HEARD THE WOMAN. RUB THAT BIRD. 162 00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,604 I DON'T THINK SO. ALL IT NEEDS IS A LITTLE SALT. 163 00:08:59,606 --> 00:09:01,106 NO MARGARINE! HEAVY ON THE SALT! 164 00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,941 IF YOU WANT THE SKIN TO CRISP-- 165 00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,943 WANT SKIN CRISP NOW. 166 00:09:05,945 --> 00:09:08,479 WANT YOU DEAD NOW. 167 00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:14,586 DICK, MY GRANDMOTHER HAD A SAYING-- 168 00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:18,156 “GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN BEFORE I BURN YOU WITH A HOT SPOON.” 169 00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:23,027 YOUR GRANDMOTHER HAD A RAPIER WIT. 170 00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:28,566 DICK, GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN! 171 00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:32,036 AND SHE WAS MEAN TOO. 172 00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:40,344 - ARE YOU OPEN? - 'COURSE WE'RE OPEN. IT'S THANKSGIVING. 173 00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:52,923 EXCUSE ME. THIS GAME'S NOT THREE-DIMENSIONAL, IS IT? 174 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:58,829 UH, YEAH. UH, YOU WANT TO PLAY SOME 8-BALL? 175 00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:02,533 - WHAT'S 8-BALL? - DON'T WORRY, WE'RE NOT VERY GOOD EITHER. 176 00:10:06,973 --> 00:10:10,207 HARRY, YOU SHOULD SEE THE BEAUTIFUL TURKEY SALLY HAS IN THE KITCHEN. 177 00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:12,443 - OH, THERE'S A TURKEY HERE? - OH, IT'S ENORMOUS! 178 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:15,613 I WANT TO SEE IT! ( screaming ) 179 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:21,286 YOU MURDERED IT! ( screaming ) 180 00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:27,725 ALTHOUGH WE ARE VERY FAMILIAR WITH THIS TRADITION, IT NEVER CEASES TO APPALL US. 181 00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:29,761 ( screams ) 182 00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:39,304 WELL, I DID IT. 183 00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:42,973 HERE IT IS, FOLKS-- THE PERFECT TURKEY! 184 00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:47,345 ( all exclaiming ) 185 00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,814 SHOULDN'T WE WAIT FOR TOMMY? 186 00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,750 WE'RE STARTING WITHOUT HIM. 187 00:10:52,752 --> 00:10:55,687 WELL, BUT I POURED SOME GRAPE JUICE IN A WINE GLASS, 188 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:59,424 AND WHO'S GONNA SIT AT THE KIDS' TABLE? 189 00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,793 DOESN'T MATTER. 190 00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:04,896 FINE, OKAY. THANKSGIVING'S RUINED. HACK AWAY. 191 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,931 OH, NO, NO, I-- 192 00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:10,168 I COULDN'T MAKE THE FIRST HACK. MARY, YOU HACK. 193 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:13,471 UH-- UH-- 194 00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,473 BEFORE WE HACK THE TURKEY, 195 00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,408 SHOULDN'T SOMEONE GIVE THANKS? 196 00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,882 UH, HERE WE ALL ARE, 197 00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:30,421 GATHERED TOGETHER FOR A COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC THANKSGIVING DINNER, 198 00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:32,423 PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. 199 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,893 I JUST WANT TO SAY I AM THANKFUL 200 00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:38,096 THAT WE ARE ALL HERE TO FEAST ON THIS DEAD BIRD. 201 00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:40,965 WE'RE NOT ALL HERE. TOMMY'S NOT HERE. 202 00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,967 THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRINGING THAT UP! 203 00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:45,170 THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! 204 00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:47,805 - DON'T WORRY. TOMMY WILL BE BACK. - THANK YOU! 205 00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:51,076 HEY. EXCUSE ME. I'D LIKE TO ADD 206 00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:53,611 A LITTLE SOMETHING, IF I MAY. 207 00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:56,414 UH, I JUST FEEL THAT 208 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,984 THIS YEAR I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL FOR-- 209 00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:02,787 THAT THING UNDER MY ARMPIT WENT AWAY. 210 00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:10,060 AND WHEN I WAS WORKING AT WAL-MART 211 00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:12,163 AND THAT BIG STACK OF BOXES FELL ON ME, 212 00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,898 I GOT WORKMAN'S COMP FOR EIGHT MONTHS, AND THAT'S-- 213 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:20,505 THAT'S TWICE AS MUCH AS MY NORMAL SALARY, SO... 214 00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:23,307 GUESS YOU'D HAVE TO SAY THAT 215 00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,309 GOD HAS BEEN 216 00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:27,311 VERY, VERY GOOD TO ME. 217 00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:29,413 ( sobbing ) 218 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,348 LET'S EAT! 219 00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:38,356 YOU KNOW, I LEFT BECAUSE THEY DON'T APPRECIATE ME. 220 00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:41,158 AND I DO A LOT FOR THOSE GUYS. 6 BALL, CORNER POCKET. 221 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:45,095 I MEAN, THEY JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO BE A KID. 222 00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:48,799 I MEAN, I DO A LOT AT HOME, BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE WORK TOO, YOU KNOW. 223 00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:50,802 7 BALL, SIDE POCKET. 224 00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:53,905 I MEAN, OCCASIONALLY I SCREW UP. I'M ONLY TRYING TO BE HUMAN. 225 00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:56,641 BUT WHATEVER I DO, IT'S NEVER ENOUGH FOR THOSE PEOPLE. 226 00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,175 8 BALL, THREE BANKS, BACK POCKET. 227 00:12:58,177 --> 00:12:59,777 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 228 00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,352 THAT'S GAME. 229 00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:10,788 TOMMY, 230 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,957 THEY'RE HARD ON YOU BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU. 231 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:15,426 YEAH, AT LEAST YOU'VE GOT SOMEBODY. 232 00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:18,395 MY FATHER USED TO TAKE ME OUT TO THE SHED EVERY FRIDAY, 233 00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:20,431 WHETHER I DESERVED IT OR NOT. 234 00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:23,434 WHY? BECAUSE HE CARED. 235 00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:28,072 HE JUST WANTED TO MAKE ME STRONG, THAT'S ALL. 236 00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:30,875 I SHOULD GO HOME AND THANK HIM. 237 00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:33,344 - WELL, WHY DON'T YOU? - I CAN'T AFFORD TO. 238 00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,613 YOU'VE GOT ALL MY MONEY! 239 00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:40,050 HERE, TAKE IT. GO HOME. 240 00:13:40,052 --> 00:13:43,554 OH, TOMMY, MAN! YOU'RE THE BEST! 241 00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:45,556 ( men sobbing ) 242 00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:48,693 I LOVE YOU, MAN! I LOVE YOU! 243 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,730 - HEY, FRANK-- - HOLD ON. 244 00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,066 HI, DAD, 245 00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:57,001 ( choking up ) IT'S FRANCIS. 246 00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:11,282 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - IT'S TRADITION. 247 00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,721 I LIKE IT. 248 00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:22,126 ( both groaning ) 249 00:14:25,898 --> 00:14:29,500 WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH US, HARRY? 250 00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:32,670 I'M GETTIN' DROWSY, 251 00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:35,106 AND I CAN'T FIGHT IT. 252 00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:38,709 I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA EXPLODE. 253 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:43,213 I'M GONNA EX-UH-PUL-LODE! 254 00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:46,383 ( sighing ) 255 00:14:49,421 --> 00:14:52,256 STAY WITH ME, HARRY. I'LL SAVE YOU. 256 00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:55,092 NO! SAVE YOURSELF! 257 00:14:57,530 --> 00:14:59,730 HARRY! 258 00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,199 HARRY, CAN YOU HEAR ME? 259 00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:05,202 - HARRY! - ( both sighing ) 260 00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:14,945 IT'S DICK! COME BACK TO ME! COME BACK TO ME, HARRY! 261 00:15:14,947 --> 00:15:17,715 - DICK? - HARRY! 262 00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:20,084 TALK TO ME! 263 00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:22,053 WHAT'S FOR DESSERT? 264 00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,762 WOW, YOUR MOTHER'S REFRIGERATOR 265 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,097 IS FAR MORE SPACIOUS THAN OURS. 266 00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,099 DO YOU GET ENOUGH TO EAT, PUMPKIN? 267 00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:39,937 WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. 268 00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:45,209 AND WHAT DO YOU THINK I'M TALKIN' ABOUT? 269 00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:47,145 YAMS. 270 00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:51,748 OH, I GOT YAMS FOR YA. 271 00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:03,026 DON'T YOU WANT TO PUT A LITTLE MINI MARSHMALLOW ON THAT? 272 00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:23,440 - YAHTZEE. - NO, DICK, THAT WASN'T YAHTZEE. THAT WAS TWO OF A KIND. 273 00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:26,443 - YAHTZEE. - NO, THAT'S NOT A YAHTZEE. 274 00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:28,412 YAHTZEE. FIVE IN A ROW. 275 00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:30,747 THEY LOST THE INSTRUCTIONS. 276 00:17:30,749 --> 00:17:33,551 - TOMMY KNOWS HOW TO PLAY. - WELL, TOMMY'S NOT HERE. 277 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:36,086 YAHTZEE. 278 00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:38,822 IT'S TOO BAD. HE WOULD HAVE REALLY LIKED MY STUFFING. 279 00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:40,891 WELL, HE SHOULD HAVE PUT ON THE PILGRIM COSTUME. 280 00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,893 WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT ON THE PILGRIM COSTUME? 281 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,496 YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED TO SHOW OFF AND HAVE A BIG, STUPID THANKSGIVING. 282 00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:48,900 THAT'S NOT WHY I HAD A BIG, STUPID THANKSGIVING. I DID IT FOR ALL OF YOU. 283 00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,902 OH, ADMIT IT, DICK-- EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU. 284 00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:53,237 - WHAT ABOUT YOU? YOU HAD A GOOD TIME. - OH, YEAH, IF YOU CALL SPENDING 285 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:56,607 THE WHOLE DAY IN THE KITCHEN WITH THESE TWO JABBERMOUTHS A GOOD TIME. 286 00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:59,710 HEY! ONE OF THOSE JABBER MOUTHS IS HIS GIRLFRIEND! 287 00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,813 - YEAH! - I HAVE HAD IT WITH ALL OF YOU! 288 00:18:01,815 --> 00:18:05,282 - THIS HOLIDAY IS OVER! - OH, I SEE! WELL! 289 00:18:05,284 --> 00:18:09,219 NOW I HAVE SOMETHING TO GIVE THANKS FOR. THANKS FOR NOTHING! 290 00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:17,861 THIS IS WHY I GO TO THE BEEF 'N' GRIDDLE. 291 00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:26,803 I'VE NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE. 292 00:18:26,805 --> 00:18:29,806 I'VE NEVER FELT THIS STICKY BEFORE. 293 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,312 HARRY, 294 00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:38,516 I GOT TO GO HOME TO ORLANDO TOMORROW. 295 00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:40,685 BUT I'LL BE BACK. 296 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,987 YOU KNOW, I LIKE YOU, HARRY. YOU'RE-- 297 00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:46,023 YOU'RE NOT LIKE THE OTHER GUYS. 298 00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,025 AH. 299 00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,960 NO, MA'AM. 300 00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:55,699 DO YOU, UH-- DO YOU THINK WE COULD MAKE IT WORK? 301 00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:58,236 OH, I DON'T KNOW. I'M PRETTY TIRED. 302 00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:02,206 I MEANT US, HARRY. 303 00:19:02,208 --> 00:19:04,208 I DEFINITELY THINK 304 00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:06,276 THAT “US” COULD WORK. 305 00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:08,212 ME TOO. 306 00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:11,815 YOUR FAMILY'S A LITTLE STRANGE, THOUGH. 307 00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:14,952 HA! YOUR MOTHER'S MS. DUBCEK. 308 00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:22,894 OH, MARY, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING. 309 00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:25,329 - WHAT? - OH THE TENSION, THE FIGHTING, 310 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:28,098 - THE LUMPY GRAVY. - YEAH. 311 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,200 YOU GIVE AND YOU GIVE AND YOU GIVE 312 00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:32,135 UNTIL YOU JUST CAN'T GIVE ANYMORE. 313 00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:35,105 MMM. SAME THING HAPPENS AT MY HOUSE. 314 00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:41,144 - THIS HAPPENS AT YOUR HOUSE? - WHY SHOULD MY HOUSE BE ANY DIFFERENT 315 00:19:41,146 --> 00:19:44,215 THAN 99% OF ALL THE HOMES IN AMERICA? 316 00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:47,218 WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER ONE PERCENT? 317 00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,220 CONNECTICUT. 318 00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,221 ( thudding ) 319 00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:53,490 - HEY, GUYS. - TOMMY, YOU'RE BACK. 320 00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,428 OH, I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE. 321 00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:00,964 SORRY I LEFT LIKE THAT. 322 00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:04,201 NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. I-- I DON'T THINK IT WAS YOUR FAULT. 323 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,203 I FOUND OUT SOMETHING PRETTY COOL. 324 00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,338 YOU KNOW HOW YOU TRIED TO MAKE THIS A SPECIAL DAY, 325 00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:10,908 BUT ALL THE RESENTMENT I HAD FOR YOU CAME SPEWING OUT 326 00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,010 AND WE ENDED UP SPENDING THE WHOLE DAY AVOIDING EACH OTHER? 327 00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:14,945 - YEAH. - IT'S NORMAL. 328 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:17,981 I WAS GONNA TELL YOU THE SAME THING! 329 00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:20,951 YEAH, THE SCREAMING, THE FIGHTING, THE EXPLODING RESENTMENTS-- 330 00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:22,953 THAT'S WHAT THANKSGIVING IS! 331 00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,955 - SO WE DID GET IT RIGHT. - YEAH. 332 00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,691 - NAILED IT. - OH, YEAH. 333 00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:33,430 ( all sighing ) 334 00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:37,934 TOMMY. 335 00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:47,378 I'VE NEVER FELT SO CONTENT. 336 00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:49,380 I LOOK AROUND THIS ROOM AND I SEE 337 00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:51,882 NOTHING BUT FAMILIAR FACES. 338 00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:54,051 WELL, SOME ARE MORE FAMILIAR THAN OTHERS. 339 00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,920 I BARELY KNOW YOU. 340 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,856 BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE TONIGHT 341 00:20:59,858 --> 00:21:01,992 YOU'RE ALL FAMILY, 342 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:04,594 AND THIS HAS BEEN THE PERFECT THANKSGIVING. 343 00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:06,897 AND NOW FOR THE PERFECT DESSERT. 344 00:21:06,899 --> 00:21:08,999 SURPRISE! 345 00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:11,735 ( all screaming ) 346 00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:17,675 I GUESS NOT EVERYONE LIKES JELL-O. 347 00:21:23,215 --> 00:21:26,817 LISTEN, DICK, WE BETTER NOT LET ANOTHER ONE OF THESE BIG HOLIDAYS SNEAK UP ON US. 348 00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:28,853 OH, DON'T WORRY, LIEUTENANT, AFTER THIS ONE, 349 00:21:28,855 --> 00:21:32,823 THERE COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE ANOTHER ONE FOR MONTHS. 350 00:21:32,825 --> 00:21:37,561 YOU KNOW, AFTER COOKING THAT HUGE DINNER TONIGHT, I THINK I DESERVE A BREAK. 351 00:21:37,563 --> 00:21:39,763 - WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO? - I THINK... 352 00:21:39,765 --> 00:21:43,868 TOMORROW I'M GONNA SPEND A NICE, PEACEFUL DAY AT THE MALL. 353 00:21:44,937 --> 00:21:48,305 REALLY? I HEAR THERE'S A SALE. 354 00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:51,008 REALLY? GOODY!