1
00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:06,204
- ( turkeys gobbling )
- Man on TV: The big day
is tomorrow,
2
00:00:06,206 --> 00:00:09,240
And these turkeys
seem to know what's
coming their way.
3
00:00:09,242 --> 00:00:11,610
( gobbling continues )
4
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,545
( gobbling )
5
00:00:20,387 --> 00:00:22,488
IT'S THE END
OF THE WORLD!
6
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:24,556
WAIT, WAIT.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
7
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:28,560
THERE'S A TERRIBLE
CRISIS.
8
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:31,263
WE WERE AT THE STORE,
AND THE PLACE WAS A MADHOUSE.
9
00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:33,432
PEOPLE WERE CRAMMING
EVERYTHING THEY COULD
INTO THEIR CARTS,
10
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:36,035
ESPECIALLY THESE GIANT
BALLS OF BUTTER.
11
00:00:36,037 --> 00:00:38,036
I GOT ONE
FOR EACH OF US.
12
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,439
I'M TELLING YOU,
SOMETHING IS UP.
THE RADIO SAID
13
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:43,041
THE AIRPORTS WERE
JAMMED WITH PEOPLE
TRYING TO GET OUT OF TOWN.
14
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:45,444
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I JUST SAW A REPORT
ON A TURKEY RANCH,
15
00:00:45,446 --> 00:00:48,213
AND THOSE BIRDS
WERE TALKING
APOCALYPSE.
16
00:00:48,215 --> 00:00:52,350
- APOCALYPSE?
- WELL, MORE LIKE
“APOCALOPOLIS.”
17
00:00:53,454 --> 00:00:55,454
WHAT DOES THIS
ALL MEAN?
18
00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:57,756
WELL, I HAVE A THOUGHT--
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!
19
00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,825
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S NOT PANIC.
20
00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:01,960
TONIGHT WE'LL TURN OFF
THE LIGHTS AND HUNKER
DOWN IN THE KITCHEN.
21
00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,629
TOMORROW MORNING I'LL MAKE
A RUN TO THE UNIVERSITY
AND FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON.
22
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:06,898
- POLICE AND SECURE
THE PERIMETER!
- All: WHAT?
23
00:01:06,900 --> 00:01:09,401
- LOCK THE DOORS!
- OH, YEAH!
24
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:10,969
OW!
25
00:01:12,039 --> 00:01:14,973
Dick:
HELLO? HELLO? MARY!
26
00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:17,442
MARY!
( gasps )
27
00:01:17,444 --> 00:01:20,879
MARY, WHAT
HAVE THEY DONE
TO YOUR HAIR?
28
00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:23,615
- SPEAK TO ME, MARY!
- ( screaming )
29
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,350
( yelling )
30
00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:27,619
DR. SOLOMON,
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
31
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,621
I'M TRYING
TO FIND MARY,
32
00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:32,490
BUT SHE'S PROBABLY
ALREADY DEAD!
( sobbing )
33
00:01:32,492 --> 00:01:35,527
ARE YOU SURE
SHE'S NOT HOME
EATING A BIG MEAL,
34
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:38,530
CELEBRATING
THE HOLIDAY?
35
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:41,099
"HOLIDAY"?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "HOLIDAY"?
36
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,202
- IT'S THANKSGIVING.
- OHH!
37
00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,204
SO IT'S NOT
THE APOCALYPSE.
38
00:01:46,206 --> 00:01:48,206
IT'S-- WHAT
DID YOU CALL IT?
39
00:01:48,208 --> 00:01:51,009
THANKSGIVING.
40
00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:54,679
YOU SHOULD BE HOME
WITH YOUR LOVED ONES
AROUND A DINNER TABLE,
41
00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:57,081
GIVING THANKS
FOR WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
42
00:01:57,083 --> 00:01:59,083
BUT-- WELL, WHY
ARE YOU HERE?
43
00:01:59,085 --> 00:02:02,453
YEAH, WELL, I TOOK
ST. PATRICK'S DAY OFF.
44
00:02:03,657 --> 00:02:06,558
FOR SIX MONTHS.
45
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,360
- SO-- SO MARY ISN'T DEAD?
- PROBABLY NOT.
46
00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:11,362
- SHE'S GIVING THANKS.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
47
00:02:11,364 --> 00:02:13,365
- WITH HER LOVED ONES.
- YEAH.
48
00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:17,602
BUT-- BUT--
BUT THAT'S ME!
49
00:02:17,604 --> 00:02:19,904
GO ON HOME.
50
00:02:19,906 --> 00:02:22,340
HAVE A BEER.
TAKE A NAP.
51
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:24,543
YOU'LL FEEL LIKE
A HUMAN BEING.
52
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:27,245
WELL, OF COURSE I WILL,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I AM,
53
00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:29,214
A HUMAN BEING.
54
00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:32,317
AND OVERLOOKING
THE HOLIDAYS
55
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:35,754
WAS SIMPLY...
HUMAN ERROR.
56
00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:37,689
( '50s rock music playing )
57
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:10,422
( gasps )
OH, DICK! WE GOTTA
GET OUT OF HERE!
58
00:03:10,424 --> 00:03:12,757
IT'S GOTTEN WORSE.
THEY'VE STOPPED
DELIVERING THE MAIL.
59
00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:14,693
OF COURSE THEY HAVE.
60
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:18,429
SOMEONE'S TAKEN OVER THE
AIRWAVES. THERE'S A TERRIFYING
PARADE ON EVERY CHANNEL!
61
00:03:18,431 --> 00:03:20,498
OF COURSE THERE IS.
62
00:03:20,500 --> 00:03:23,968
- I GOT THE GNOME!
I GOT THE GNOME!
- HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.
63
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:27,439
SLOW DOWN THERE,
SPEEDBOAT.
64
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,440
IT'S JUST THANKSGIVING.
65
00:03:29,442 --> 00:03:32,477
- All: "THANKS-WHAT-ING"?
- THANKSGIVING, IT'S A HOLIDAY.
66
00:03:32,479 --> 00:03:36,147
LIKE BIG, GIANT
HEAD DAY?
67
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:39,751
SIMILAR, EXCEPT NOBODY
GETS THROWN INTO THE SUN.
68
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:43,221
IT'S A NATIONAL HOLIDAY.
EVERYBODY GETS TO TAKE
THE DAY OFF.
69
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,890
- ( all exclaiming )
- EXCEPT FOR SALLY.
70
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:49,227
- WHAT?
- SHE HAS TO GO INTO THE KITCHEN
AND MAKE AN ENORMOUS FEAST.
71
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:53,164
GREAT. OUR FIRST
HOLIDAY ON EARTH,
AND I GOT TO COOK.
72
00:03:53,166 --> 00:03:56,968
AND THEN AFTER WE EAT,
WE HAVE TO GIVE THANKS.
73
00:03:56,970 --> 00:03:59,704
TO ME?
FOR COOKING?
74
00:03:59,706 --> 00:04:03,341
- OHH!
- ( chuckling )
SALLY...
75
00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:07,178
NO, NO, WE HAVE
TO GIVE THANKS FOR
SOMETHING BIGGER,
76
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:10,381
SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT,
SOMETHING LIKE--
77
00:04:10,383 --> 00:04:14,419
WELL, NOT THIS,
BUT SOMETHING LIKE
HOW GOOD LOOKING I AM.
78
00:04:14,421 --> 00:04:16,955
MAYBE IF WE JUST
RUN IT THROUGH,
IT'LL HIT US.
79
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,890
WHY SHOULD WE
RUN THROUGH ANYTHING?
80
00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:20,892
'CAUSE I CALLED MARY.
SHE'S COMING OVER.
81
00:04:20,894 --> 00:04:23,861
- BUT WHAT IF WE GET IT WRONG?
IT'LL GIVE US AWAY.
- NOW, LOOK, MEN,
82
00:04:23,863 --> 00:04:27,365
WHEN WE FIRST LANDED
ON THIS PLANET,
WE DIDN'T KNOW SQUAT.
83
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:30,936
WE DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT THE WORD
“SQUAT” MEANT.
84
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:34,706
- AND WE HAD TO FIND OUT
THE HARD WAY.
- AND IT HURT.
85
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:38,010
ALL WE HAVE TO DO
IS FIND A HUMAN EXAMPLE
AND FOLLOW IT.
86
00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:40,679
- HELLO, HELLO, EVERYBODY!
- MRS. DUBCEK.
87
00:04:40,681 --> 00:04:43,181
CLOSE ENOUGH.
88
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:46,351
HAPPY THANKSGIVING,
EVERYBODY. THIS IS
MY DAUGHTER, VICKI.
89
00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:49,688
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW
MS. DUBCEK HAD A--
( purring )
90
00:04:51,358 --> 00:04:54,760
I MEAN, HELLO-O-O-O-O.
91
00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:58,830
HI. YOU HAVE
GREAT HAIR.
92
00:04:58,832 --> 00:05:02,767
SO, UH,
WHAT ARE YOU LADIES
DOING FOR THANKSGIVING?
93
00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:05,837
- WE'RE GOING OFF
TO THE BEEF 'N' GRIDDLE.
- OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
94
00:05:05,839 --> 00:05:08,105
YOU'RE COMING OVER
TO OUR HOUSE
TO HELP US.
95
00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:11,342
- UH, CELEBRATE.
- YEAH, WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT WE'RE DOING.
96
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:14,346
UH, CELEBRATE.
97
00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:18,382
- WHAT DO YOU SAY, VICK?
- I SAY, WHAT THE HELL?
98
00:05:18,384 --> 00:05:20,519
THEN “WHAT THE HEL”"
IT IS.
99
00:05:24,891 --> 00:05:27,425
- TURKEY, NO TURKEY.
- OH! OH!
100
00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:29,494
TURKEY, NO TURKEY.
101
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,029
- TURKEY...
- OHH!
102
00:05:32,031 --> 00:05:34,766
A-NO TURKEY.
103
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:38,103
OH, HARRY, YOU'VE GOT
A REAL CHILDLIKE
INNOCENCE ABOUT YOU.
104
00:05:38,105 --> 00:05:40,038
IT'S VERY SEXY.
105
00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:43,341
TURKEY.
106
00:05:44,644 --> 00:05:48,613
WOW, THIS IS
THE UGLIEST LINGERIE
I'VE EVER SEEN.
107
00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:51,816
- BUT BUCKLES.
- MMM.
108
00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:53,818
OH, THAT? NO.
109
00:05:53,820 --> 00:05:56,121
THAT'S JUST
A COSTUME I WORE
IN A THANKSGIVING PLAY
110
00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:58,123
I DID IN JUNIOR HIGH.
111
00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:01,960
I WAS A PILGRIM,
AND EVERY TIME I WORE IT,
112
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:06,030
I PUT EVERYBODY IN
THE THANKSGIVING MOOD.
113
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:16,174
- TOMMY?
- WHAT?
114
00:06:16,176 --> 00:06:19,744
- YOU HEARD WHAT SHE SAID.
- FORGET IT, DICK, I'M NOT
PUTTING THAT THING ON.
115
00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:22,013
- ONCE AGAIN, YOU LET US DOWN.
- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
116
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:25,116
YOU'RE THE INFORMATION OFFICER.
YOU SHOULD HAVE PREPPED US
FOR THIS HOLIDAY WEEKS AGO,
117
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:27,218
AND NOW YOU WON'T
WEAR THE COSTUME!
118
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,220
IS THERE ANY END
TO YOUR TREACHERY?
119
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:33,024
LOOK DICK, IF IT'S
A HOLIDAY, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
TAKE THE DAY OFF MY BACK.
120
00:06:33,026 --> 00:06:35,026
OH, I WILL.
121
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:37,962
I WILL NOT ALLOW
MY DISAPPOINTMENT IN YOU
TO DESTROY THIS FESTIVAL,
122
00:06:37,964 --> 00:06:40,365
EVEN THOUGH THE COSTUME
WOULD PUT US ALL IN
THE THANKSGIVING MOOD.
123
00:06:40,367 --> 00:06:42,300
YEAH, WELL, IT'LL PUT ME
IN THE CRAPPY MOOD!
124
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:45,570
YOU'RE ALWAYS
IN THE CRAPPY MOOD.
NOW, COME ON! PUT IT ON!
125
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:46,904
- PUT IT ON!
- NO!
126
00:06:46,906 --> 00:06:48,039
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
127
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,842
OH, HAPPY THANKSGIVING,
MARY.
128
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,010
- PUT IT ON!
- NO!
129
00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:55,880
EVER SINCE WE GOT HERE,
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT
FOR YOU. WHY IS THAT?
130
00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:59,217
- DON'T USE USE THAT TONE
OF VOICE WITH ME, OLD MAN.
- OH! I'M GOING FOR A WALK.
131
00:06:59,219 --> 00:07:01,820
OH, FINE!
AND DON'T COME BACK
UNTIL YOU'RE DAMN READY
132
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:05,289
- TO SIT DOWN WITH YOUR
FAMILY AND HAVE FUN!
- ( door slams )
133
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:09,694
( gagging )
134
00:07:16,236 --> 00:07:18,336
UH...
135
00:07:18,338 --> 00:07:20,639
DUBCEK, SO WHAT
AM I SUPPOSED TO DO
WITH THIS THING?
136
00:07:20,641 --> 00:07:24,075
YOU STICK
YOUR HAND RIGHT UP THERE
AND YANK OUT ITS GUTS.
137
00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:28,680
WHAT'S THE POINT?
IT'S ALREADY DEAD.
138
00:07:28,682 --> 00:07:31,783
- THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.
- ALL RIGHT.
139
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:34,085
SALLY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
140
00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:36,154
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT
NEED A LITTLE HELP
COOKING.
141
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:39,691
WHY? DON'T YOU THINK SHE'S EVER
COOKED A THANKSGIVING DINNER
BEFORE? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK?
142
00:07:39,693 --> 00:07:42,360
YEAH, YOU DON'T
THINK I'VE EVER COOKED
A THANKSGIVING DINNER BEFORE?
143
00:07:42,362 --> 00:07:44,929
- NO, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.
- BECAUSE THANKSGIVING IS
NOT NEW TO US.
144
00:07:44,931 --> 00:07:48,700
AND WE'RE CERTAINLY
NOT NEW TO THANKSGIVING.
145
00:07:48,702 --> 00:07:51,035
SO, WHEN'S DINNER?
3:00?
146
00:07:51,037 --> 00:07:54,472
- TODAY?
- 3:00! ON THE DOT!
147
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,742
ALL RIGHT, MOVE IT.
UH, DUBCEK, TAKE OUT
THE RELISH TRAY,
148
00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:00,145
AND MARY, HOLD THIS.
149
00:08:00,147 --> 00:08:02,080
OHH!
150
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:06,384
OKAY, NOW,
DOES THE FORK GO
ON THE RIGHT OR ON THE LEFT?
151
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,553
WELL,
152
00:08:08,555 --> 00:08:11,823
THIS GOES HERE,
153
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:17,429
AND THIS GOES HERE.
154
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:24,769
ARE THOSE THE RULES?
155
00:08:24,771 --> 00:08:26,771
OH, FORGET ABOUT
THE RULES, HARRY!
156
00:08:26,773 --> 00:08:29,007
JUST PUT WHATEVER YOU
WANT TO PUT WHEREVER
YOU WANT TO PUT IT.
157
00:08:31,344 --> 00:08:34,679
CAN I PUT MY SHIRTS
IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER?
158
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:40,084
GO WILD.
159
00:08:40,086 --> 00:08:42,753
OKAY.
160
00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:53,464
MAYBE YOU SHOULD RUB IT
WITH A LITTLE MARGARINE
BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN.
161
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:57,034
YOU HEARD THE WOMAN.
RUB THAT BIRD.
162
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:59,604
I DON'T THINK SO.
ALL IT NEEDS IS
A LITTLE SALT.
163
00:08:59,606 --> 00:09:01,106
NO MARGARINE!
HEAVY ON THE SALT!
164
00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,941
IF YOU WANT
THE SKIN TO CRISP--
165
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,943
WANT SKIN CRISP NOW.
166
00:09:05,945 --> 00:09:08,479
WANT YOU DEAD NOW.
167
00:09:11,084 --> 00:09:14,586
DICK, MY GRANDMOTHER
HAD A SAYING--
168
00:09:14,588 --> 00:09:18,156
“GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN
BEFORE I BURN YOU
WITH A HOT SPOON.”
169
00:09:19,726 --> 00:09:23,027
YOUR GRANDMOTHER HAD
A RAPIER WIT.
170
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:28,566
DICK, GET OUT
OF THE KITCHEN!
171
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:32,036
AND SHE WAS MEAN TOO.
172
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:40,344
- ARE YOU OPEN?
- 'COURSE WE'RE OPEN.
IT'S THANKSGIVING.
173
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:52,923
EXCUSE ME.
THIS GAME'S NOT
THREE-DIMENSIONAL, IS IT?
174
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:58,829
UH, YEAH.
UH, YOU WANT TO PLAY
SOME 8-BALL?
175
00:09:58,831 --> 00:10:02,533
- WHAT'S 8-BALL?
- DON'T WORRY, WE'RE NOT
VERY GOOD EITHER.
176
00:10:06,973 --> 00:10:10,207
HARRY, YOU SHOULD SEE
THE BEAUTIFUL TURKEY
SALLY HAS IN THE KITCHEN.
177
00:10:10,209 --> 00:10:12,443
- OH, THERE'S A TURKEY HERE?
- OH, IT'S ENORMOUS!
178
00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:15,613
I WANT TO SEE IT!
( screaming )
179
00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:21,286
YOU MURDERED IT!
( screaming )
180
00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:27,725
ALTHOUGH WE ARE VERY FAMILIAR
WITH THIS TRADITION, IT NEVER
CEASES TO APPALL US.
181
00:10:27,727 --> 00:10:29,761
( screams )
182
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:39,304
WELL, I DID IT.
183
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:42,973
HERE IT IS, FOLKS--
THE PERFECT TURKEY!
184
00:10:42,975 --> 00:10:47,345
( all exclaiming )
185
00:10:47,347 --> 00:10:49,814
SHOULDN'T WE WAIT
FOR TOMMY?
186
00:10:49,816 --> 00:10:52,750
WE'RE STARTING
WITHOUT HIM.
187
00:10:52,752 --> 00:10:55,687
WELL, BUT I POURED
SOME GRAPE JUICE
IN A WINE GLASS,
188
00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:59,424
AND WHO'S GONNA SIT
AT THE KIDS' TABLE?
189
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:01,793
DOESN'T MATTER.
190
00:11:01,795 --> 00:11:04,896
FINE, OKAY.
THANKSGIVING'S RUINED.
HACK AWAY.
191
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,931
OH, NO, NO, I--
192
00:11:06,933 --> 00:11:10,168
I COULDN'T MAKE
THE FIRST HACK.
MARY, YOU HACK.
193
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:13,471
UH-- UH--
194
00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,473
BEFORE WE HACK
THE TURKEY,
195
00:11:15,475 --> 00:11:17,408
SHOULDN'T SOMEONE
GIVE THANKS?
196
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,882
UH, HERE WE ALL ARE,
197
00:11:24,884 --> 00:11:30,421
GATHERED TOGETHER
FOR A COMPLETELY AUTHENTIC
THANKSGIVING DINNER,
198
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:32,423
PERFECT IN EVERY WAY.
199
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,893
I JUST WANT TO SAY
I AM THANKFUL
200
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:38,096
THAT WE ARE ALL HERE
TO FEAST ON THIS DEAD BIRD.
201
00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:40,965
WE'RE NOT ALL HERE.
TOMMY'S NOT HERE.
202
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,967
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BRINGING THAT UP!
203
00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:45,170
THANK YOU,
THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
204
00:11:45,172 --> 00:11:47,805
- DON'T WORRY.
TOMMY WILL BE BACK.
- THANK YOU!
205
00:11:47,807 --> 00:11:51,076
HEY. EXCUSE ME.
I'D LIKE TO ADD
206
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:53,611
A LITTLE SOMETHING,
IF I MAY.
207
00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:56,414
UH, I JUST
FEEL THAT
208
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,984
THIS YEAR I HAVE
SO MUCH TO BE
THANKFUL FOR--
209
00:11:59,986 --> 00:12:02,787
THAT THING UNDER MY ARMPIT
WENT AWAY.
210
00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:10,060
AND WHEN I WAS
WORKING AT WAL-MART
211
00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:12,163
AND THAT BIG
STACK OF BOXES
FELL ON ME,
212
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:14,898
I GOT WORKMAN'S COMP
FOR EIGHT MONTHS,
AND THAT'S--
213
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:20,505
THAT'S TWICE AS MUCH
AS MY NORMAL SALARY, SO...
214
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:23,307
GUESS YOU'D
HAVE TO SAY THAT
215
00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:25,309
GOD HAS BEEN
216
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:27,311
VERY, VERY GOOD TO ME.
217
00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:29,413
( sobbing )
218
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,348
LET'S EAT!
219
00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:38,356
YOU KNOW, I LEFT
BECAUSE THEY DON'T
APPRECIATE ME.
220
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:41,158
AND I DO A LOT
FOR THOSE GUYS.
6 BALL, CORNER POCKET.
221
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:45,095
I MEAN, THEY JUST DON'T
UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT
IT IS TO BE A KID.
222
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:48,799
I MEAN, I DO A LOT AT HOME,
BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE A LIFE
OUTSIDE WORK TOO, YOU KNOW.
223
00:12:48,801 --> 00:12:50,802
7 BALL, SIDE POCKET.
224
00:12:50,804 --> 00:12:53,905
I MEAN, OCCASIONALLY
I SCREW UP. I'M ONLY
TRYING TO BE HUMAN.
225
00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:56,641
BUT WHATEVER I DO,
IT'S NEVER ENOUGH
FOR THOSE PEOPLE.
226
00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:58,175
8 BALL, THREE BANKS,
BACK POCKET.
227
00:12:58,177 --> 00:12:59,777
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
228
00:13:06,352 --> 00:13:08,352
THAT'S GAME.
229
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:10,788
TOMMY,
230
00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,957
THEY'RE HARD ON YOU
BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU.
231
00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:15,426
YEAH, AT LEAST
YOU'VE GOT SOMEBODY.
232
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:18,395
MY FATHER USED
TO TAKE ME OUT TO
THE SHED EVERY FRIDAY,
233
00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:20,431
WHETHER I DESERVED IT
OR NOT.
234
00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:23,434
WHY?
BECAUSE HE CARED.
235
00:13:23,436 --> 00:13:28,072
HE JUST WANTED
TO MAKE ME STRONG,
THAT'S ALL.
236
00:13:28,074 --> 00:13:30,875
I SHOULD GO HOME
AND THANK HIM.
237
00:13:30,877 --> 00:13:33,344
- WELL, WHY DON'T YOU?
- I CAN'T AFFORD TO.
238
00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:35,613
YOU'VE GOT ALL
MY MONEY!
239
00:13:37,983 --> 00:13:40,050
HERE, TAKE IT.
GO HOME.
240
00:13:40,052 --> 00:13:43,554
OH, TOMMY, MAN!
YOU'RE THE BEST!
241
00:13:43,556 --> 00:13:45,556
( men sobbing )
242
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:48,693
I LOVE YOU, MAN!
I LOVE YOU!
243
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:52,730
- HEY, FRANK--
- HOLD ON.
244
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,066
HI, DAD,
245
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:57,001
( choking up )
IT'S FRANCIS.
246
00:14:07,814 --> 00:14:11,282
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- IT'S TRADITION.
247
00:14:16,155 --> 00:14:17,721
I LIKE IT.
248
00:14:19,158 --> 00:14:22,126
( both groaning )
249
00:14:25,898 --> 00:14:29,500
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH US, HARRY?
250
00:14:29,502 --> 00:14:32,670
I'M GETTIN' DROWSY,
251
00:14:32,672 --> 00:14:35,106
AND I CAN'T
FIGHT IT.
252
00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:38,709
I FEEL LIKE
I'M GONNA EXPLODE.
253
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:43,213
I'M GONNA
EX-UH-PUL-LODE!
254
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:46,383
( sighing )
255
00:14:49,421 --> 00:14:52,256
STAY WITH ME, HARRY.
I'LL SAVE YOU.
256
00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:55,092
NO!
SAVE YOURSELF!
257
00:14:57,530 --> 00:14:59,730
HARRY!
258
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,199
HARRY, CAN YOU
HEAR ME?
259
00:15:02,201 --> 00:15:05,202
- HARRY!
- ( both sighing )
260
00:15:10,977 --> 00:15:14,945
IT'S DICK!
COME BACK TO ME!
COME BACK TO ME, HARRY!
261
00:15:14,947 --> 00:15:17,715
- DICK?
- HARRY!
262
00:15:17,717 --> 00:15:20,084
TALK TO ME!
263
00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:22,053
WHAT'S FOR DESSERT?
264
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,762
WOW, YOUR MOTHER'S
REFRIGERATOR
265
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,097
IS FAR MORE SPACIOUS
THAN OURS.
266
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,099
DO YOU GET ENOUGH
TO EAT, PUMPKIN?
267
00:15:36,803 --> 00:15:39,937
WELL, THAT DEPENDS
ON WHAT YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
268
00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:45,209
AND WHAT DO YOU THINK
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?
269
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:47,145
YAMS.
270
00:15:49,148 --> 00:15:51,748
OH, I GOT YAMS
FOR YA.
271
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:03,026
DON'T YOU WANT
TO PUT A LITTLE
MINI MARSHMALLOW ON THAT?
272
00:17:20,206 --> 00:17:23,440
- YAHTZEE.
- NO, DICK, THAT WASN'T YAHTZEE.
THAT WAS TWO OF A KIND.
273
00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:26,443
- YAHTZEE.
- NO, THAT'S NOT
A YAHTZEE.
274
00:17:26,445 --> 00:17:28,412
YAHTZEE.
FIVE IN A ROW.
275
00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:30,747
THEY LOST
THE INSTRUCTIONS.
276
00:17:30,749 --> 00:17:33,551
- TOMMY KNOWS HOW TO PLAY.
- WELL, TOMMY'S NOT HERE.
277
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:36,086
YAHTZEE.
278
00:17:36,088 --> 00:17:38,822
IT'S TOO BAD.
HE WOULD HAVE REALLY
LIKED MY STUFFING.
279
00:17:38,824 --> 00:17:40,891
WELL, HE SHOULD HAVE
PUT ON THE PILGRIM COSTUME.
280
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:42,893
WHY DIDN'T YOU PUT ON
THE PILGRIM COSTUME?
281
00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,496
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED
TO SHOW OFF AND HAVE
A BIG, STUPID THANKSGIVING.
282
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:48,900
THAT'S NOT WHY I HAD
A BIG, STUPID THANKSGIVING.
I DID IT FOR ALL OF YOU.
283
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,902
OH, ADMIT IT, DICK--
EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU.
284
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:53,237
- WHAT ABOUT YOU?
YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.
- OH, YEAH, IF YOU CALL SPENDING
285
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:56,607
THE WHOLE DAY IN THE KITCHEN
WITH THESE TWO JABBERMOUTHS
A GOOD TIME.
286
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:59,710
HEY! ONE OF THOSE
JABBER MOUTHS
IS HIS GIRLFRIEND!
287
00:17:59,712 --> 00:18:01,813
- YEAH!
- I HAVE HAD IT
WITH ALL OF YOU!
288
00:18:01,815 --> 00:18:05,282
- THIS HOLIDAY IS OVER!
- OH, I SEE! WELL!
289
00:18:05,284 --> 00:18:09,219
NOW I HAVE SOMETHING
TO GIVE THANKS FOR.
THANKS FOR NOTHING!
290
00:18:14,494 --> 00:18:17,861
THIS IS WHY I GO
TO THE BEEF 'N' GRIDDLE.
291
00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:26,803
I'VE NEVER FELT
THIS WAY BEFORE.
292
00:18:26,805 --> 00:18:29,806
I'VE NEVER FELT
THIS STICKY BEFORE.
293
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,312
HARRY,
294
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:38,516
I GOT TO GO HOME
TO ORLANDO TOMORROW.
295
00:18:38,518 --> 00:18:40,685
BUT I'LL BE BACK.
296
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,987
YOU KNOW,
I LIKE YOU, HARRY.
YOU'RE--
297
00:18:43,989 --> 00:18:46,023
YOU'RE NOT LIKE
THE OTHER GUYS.
298
00:18:46,025 --> 00:18:48,025
AH.
299
00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,960
NO, MA'AM.
300
00:18:52,765 --> 00:18:55,699
DO YOU, UH-- DO YOU THINK
WE COULD MAKE IT WORK?
301
00:18:55,701 --> 00:18:58,236
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
I'M PRETTY TIRED.
302
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:02,206
I MEANT US, HARRY.
303
00:19:02,208 --> 00:19:04,208
I DEFINITELY THINK
304
00:19:04,210 --> 00:19:06,276
THAT “US” COULD WORK.
305
00:19:06,278 --> 00:19:08,212
ME TOO.
306
00:19:09,281 --> 00:19:11,815
YOUR FAMILY'S A LITTLE
STRANGE, THOUGH.
307
00:19:11,817 --> 00:19:14,952
HA! YOUR MOTHER'S
MS. DUBCEK.
308
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:22,894
OH, MARY,
I'M SO SORRY
ABOUT EVERYTHING.
309
00:19:22,896 --> 00:19:25,329
- WHAT?
- OH THE TENSION,
THE FIGHTING,
310
00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:28,098
- THE LUMPY GRAVY.
- YEAH.
311
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,200
YOU GIVE AND YOU GIVE
AND YOU GIVE
312
00:19:30,202 --> 00:19:32,135
UNTIL YOU JUST
CAN'T GIVE ANYMORE.
313
00:19:32,137 --> 00:19:35,105
MMM. SAME THING
HAPPENS AT MY HOUSE.
314
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:41,144
- THIS HAPPENS AT YOUR HOUSE?
- WHY SHOULD MY HOUSE
BE ANY DIFFERENT
315
00:19:41,146 --> 00:19:44,215
THAN 99% OF ALL
THE HOMES IN AMERICA?
316
00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:47,218
WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER
ONE PERCENT?
317
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,220
CONNECTICUT.
318
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,221
( thudding )
319
00:19:51,223 --> 00:19:53,490
- HEY, GUYS.
- TOMMY, YOU'RE BACK.
320
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,428
OH, I'LL LEAVE
YOU TWO ALONE.
321
00:19:58,964 --> 00:20:00,964
SORRY I LEFT
LIKE THAT.
322
00:20:00,966 --> 00:20:04,201
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I-- I DON'T THINK
IT WAS YOUR FAULT.
323
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,203
I FOUND OUT
SOMETHING PRETTY COOL.
324
00:20:06,205 --> 00:20:08,338
YOU KNOW HOW
YOU TRIED TO MAKE THIS
A SPECIAL DAY,
325
00:20:08,340 --> 00:20:10,908
BUT ALL THE RESENTMENT
I HAD FOR YOU
CAME SPEWING OUT
326
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,010
AND WE ENDED UP
SPENDING THE WHOLE DAY
AVOIDING EACH OTHER?
327
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:14,945
- YEAH.
- IT'S NORMAL.
328
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:17,981
I WAS GONNA TELL YOU
THE SAME THING!
329
00:20:17,983 --> 00:20:20,951
YEAH, THE SCREAMING,
THE FIGHTING,
THE EXPLODING RESENTMENTS--
330
00:20:20,953 --> 00:20:22,953
THAT'S WHAT
THANKSGIVING IS!
331
00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,955
- SO WE DID
GET IT RIGHT.
- YEAH.
332
00:20:24,957 --> 00:20:27,691
- NAILED IT.
- OH, YEAH.
333
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:33,430
( all sighing )
334
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:37,934
TOMMY.
335
00:20:43,943 --> 00:20:47,378
I'VE NEVER FELT
SO CONTENT.
336
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:49,380
I LOOK AROUND
THIS ROOM AND I SEE
337
00:20:49,382 --> 00:20:51,882
NOTHING BUT
FAMILIAR FACES.
338
00:20:51,884 --> 00:20:54,051
WELL, SOME ARE MORE
FAMILIAR THAN OTHERS.
339
00:20:54,053 --> 00:20:55,920
I BARELY KNOW YOU.
340
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,856
BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER,
BECAUSE TONIGHT
341
00:20:59,858 --> 00:21:01,992
YOU'RE ALL FAMILY,
342
00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:04,594
AND THIS HAS BEEN
THE PERFECT THANKSGIVING.
343
00:21:04,596 --> 00:21:06,897
AND NOW FOR
THE PERFECT DESSERT.
344
00:21:06,899 --> 00:21:08,999
SURPRISE!
345
00:21:09,001 --> 00:21:11,735
( all screaming )
346
00:21:14,873 --> 00:21:17,675
I GUESS NOT EVERYONE
LIKES JELL-O.
347
00:21:23,215 --> 00:21:26,817
LISTEN, DICK, WE BETTER NOT
LET ANOTHER ONE OF THESE BIG
HOLIDAYS SNEAK UP ON US.
348
00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:28,853
OH, DON'T WORRY,
LIEUTENANT, AFTER THIS ONE,
349
00:21:28,855 --> 00:21:32,823
THERE COULDN'T POSSIBLY
BE ANOTHER ONE FOR MONTHS.
350
00:21:32,825 --> 00:21:37,561
YOU KNOW, AFTER COOKING
THAT HUGE DINNER TONIGHT,
I THINK I DESERVE A BREAK.
351
00:21:37,563 --> 00:21:39,763
- WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO DO?
- I THINK...
352
00:21:39,765 --> 00:21:43,868
TOMORROW I'M GONNA SPEND
A NICE, PEACEFUL DAY
AT THE MALL.
353
00:21:44,937 --> 00:21:48,305
REALLY?
I HEAR THERE'S A SALE.
354
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:51,008
REALLY? GOODY!