1
00:00:03,604 --> 00:00:05,637
OH, MY GOD!
( panting )

2
00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:10,308
ALIENS ARE NOT
LIKE THAT.

3
00:00:10,310 --> 00:00:13,311
OH, THE SENSELESS
VIOLENCE.

4
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:16,148
- THE MINDLESS GORE.
- THE INCREDIBLE
SOUND SYSTEM.

5
00:00:16,150 --> 00:00:19,217
THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
30 SPEAKERS IN THAT PLACE.
THAT MOVIE KICKED BUTT.

6
00:00:19,219 --> 00:00:21,219
- ( groans )
- HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

7
00:00:21,221 --> 00:00:23,188
THEY PORTRAYED ALIENS
AS VICIOUS MONSTERS.

8
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,424
THEY BLEW UP
THE DEPARTMENT
OF TRANSPORTATION.

9
00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:27,793
DO YOU MIND?
WE HAVEN'T SEEN
THE MOVIE YET.

10
00:00:27,795 --> 00:00:30,395
WHAT DO I CARE?
I DON'T EVEN
KNOW YOU.

11
00:00:30,397 --> 00:00:32,397
DON'T YOU THINK
IT WAS COOL

12
00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:35,566
WHEN THAT THING'S TONGUE
SPLIT OPEN AND STRANGLED
THOSE EIGHT ARMY GUYS?

13
00:00:35,568 --> 00:00:37,636
- OKAY, THAT
WAS COOL...
- YEAH.

14
00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,971
BUT ONLY THAT,
AND ONLY BECAUSE
IT MADE ME SCREAM

15
00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:42,040
LIKE A LITTLE GIRL.

16
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:45,176
THEY HAVE TO MAKE
THE ALIENS SCARY.
THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.

17
00:00:45,178 --> 00:00:49,013
SUCKING THE BRAINS OUT
OF ALL THOSE ZOO ANIMALS
IS NOT ENTERTAINMENT.

18
00:00:49,015 --> 00:00:51,016
Man #1:
HEY, UP THERE,
SHUT UP!

19
00:00:51,018 --> 00:00:53,785
- ( all agreeing )
- Man #2: HEY, QUIET.

20
00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:56,755
IT'S HOW THESE PEOPLE
THINK OF US.

21
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,557
THEY DIDN'T CARE WHETHER
THE ALIENS WERE GOOD OR BAD.
THEY WANTED THEM DEAD.

22
00:00:59,559 --> 00:01:03,194
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
MARY-- SHE'S ALREADY
SEEN THIS MOVIE.

23
00:01:03,196 --> 00:01:06,732
SO?  SHE DOESN'T KNOW
YOU'RE AN ALIEN.
DOES SHE?

24
00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:08,666
- OH, PLEASE.
- DOES SHE?

25
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:11,269
I SAID, "OH, PLEASE."
ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

26
00:01:11,271 --> 00:01:14,673
- Both: DOES SHE?
- NO!

27
00:01:14,675 --> 00:01:16,841
ATTENTION,
TICKET HOLDERS!

28
00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:19,344
LISTEN UP.
AT THE END
OF THE MOVIE,

29
00:01:19,346 --> 00:01:22,180
- WHEN THE PRESIDENT
TURNS OUT TO BE AN ALIEN--
- ( man groans )

30
00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:24,416
YEAH--

31
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:27,852
AND HE BARBECUES
ALL THE CONGRESSMEN,

32
00:01:27,854 --> 00:01:30,789
DON'T BELIEVE IT
BECAUSE ALIENS
HATE BARBECUE.

33
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,925
- IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP,
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU.
- ALL RIGHTY.

34
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:36,761
- AND THAT GOES
FOR ALL OF YOU.
- DID YOU HEAR THAT GUY?

35
00:01:36,763 --> 00:01:40,398
- HE HASN'T SEEN THE MOVIE, AND
HE ALREADY WANTS TO KILL US.
- WE ARE IN TROUBLE.

36
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:43,135
WE'VE GOT TO LAY LOW
UNTIL THIS MANIA
PASSES OVER.

37
00:01:43,137 --> 00:01:46,705
- MAYBE BUILD A BUNKER.
- NO!  WE CAN'T HIDE.

38
00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:49,374
I SAY WE COME OUT
OF THE BUNKER
AND INTO THE STREET.

39
00:01:49,376 --> 00:01:53,145
I SAY WE HOLD
AN ALIEN PRIDE PARADE.

40
00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:55,647
WE'LL ALL
GET TOGETHER,

41
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:58,083
AND WE'LL PROVE
THAT WE'RE ALL--

42
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,286
HUMANS.

43
00:02:01,288 --> 00:02:03,255
<i> ( '50s rock music playing )</i>

44
00:02:33,220 --> 00:02:35,220
HELLO.
"RUTHERFORD BUGLE"?

45
00:02:35,222 --> 00:02:37,956
I'D LIKE TO SPEAK
TO YOUR FILM CRITIC,
PLEASE.

46
00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,958
OH.  WELL, THEN,
WILL YOU TELL HIM

47
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,027
THAT I JUST SAW
"DAWN OF THE ALIENS,"
AND IT WAS NOT WHAM-BAM?

48
00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:46,131
IT WAS NOT A SLAM DUNK.
I WAS NEVER ON THE EDGE
OF MY SEAT.

49
00:02:46,133 --> 00:02:48,366
AND THE SPECIAL
EFFECTS DID NOT MAKE
MY EYES POP OUT.

50
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:54,005
- THERE'S NO CREAM IN HERE!
- WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BITE MY HEAD OFF.

51
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,509
NINA, WE DON'T
DO THAT.

52
00:02:58,779 --> 00:03:01,713
- HELLO, DICK.
- OH, MARY.

53
00:03:03,550 --> 00:03:05,550
YOU NOTICE HOW
I'M BEING GENTLE

54
00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:09,187
AND NOT SQUEEZING YOUR BODY
UNTIL YOUR SPLEEN SHOOTS
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH?

55
00:03:09,189 --> 00:03:11,289
YES, I NOTICED THAT.

56
00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:14,693
THANK YOU.
OH!  SPEAKING
OF SPLEENS,

57
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,928
DID YOU SEE
"DAWN OF THE ALIENS"?

58
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:20,165
- WASN'T THAT MOVIE GREAT?
- IT WAS TWO HOURS
AND FOUR MINUTES

59
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:23,168
OF HORRIBLE,
HORRIBLE LIES.

60
00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,970
- I LIKED IT.
- ME, TOO.  I WAS ON
THE EDGE OF MY SEAT.

61
00:03:25,972 --> 00:03:27,972
THEY PORTRAY ALIENS

62
00:03:27,974 --> 00:03:30,642
AS HIDEOUS,
EVIL MUTANTS.

63
00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,877
WHY CAN'T THEY BE SWEET
AND WELL-MANNERED?

64
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:35,880
I DON'T PAY SEVEN BUCKS
TO SEE AN ALIEN PLAY
WITH A PUPPY.

65
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,816
AT THAT PRICE
HE BETTER EAT IT.

66
00:03:43,957 --> 00:03:46,090
TOMMY?
TOMMY,

67
00:03:46,092 --> 00:03:49,494
THEY'RE HAVING
A SCI-FI CONVENTION
IN CLEVELAND.

68
00:03:49,496 --> 00:03:52,731
"MEET ALL THE ALIENS
FROM YOUR FAVORITE
TV SHOWS AND MOVIES.

69
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:55,066
AND 'STAR TREK'S'
MR. SULU, GEORGE TAKEI,

70
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,401
WILL BE SIGNING COPIES
OF HIS NEW BOOK,

71
00:03:57,403 --> 00:04:00,839
'WARP SPEED, DAMN IT:
THE COMPLETE RANTS
OF WILLIAM SHATNER.'"

72
00:04:02,976 --> 00:04:05,443
THIS WOULD BE
A PERFECT PLACE TO HELP
PEOPLE UNDERSTAND

73
00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:08,613
HOW WRONG
THEIR IMPRESSIONS
OF US ALIENS ARE.

74
00:04:08,615 --> 00:04:11,983
OR WE COULD JUST
BLOW THE WHOLE
DAMN PLACE UP.

75
00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:15,420
- ( vacuum humming )
- WOULD YOU GUYS LIFT
YOUR FEET, PLEASE?

76
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,689
LIFT YOUR FEET.
LIFT FEET!

77
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:22,060
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

78
00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,562
SALLY, TURN OFF
YOUR SUCKING DEVICE.

79
00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:26,565
( vacuum stops )

80
00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,600
WHAT IS IT?

81
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,637
I NEED YOUR SUPPORT.
I HAVE MADE THE MOST
DIFFICULT DECISION

82
00:04:31,639 --> 00:04:33,638
I'VE HAD TO MAKE SINCE
COMING TO THIS PLANET.

83
00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,740
YOU'RE GIVING UP
TIGHTY WHITIES

84
00:04:35,742 --> 00:04:37,742
AND SWITCHING
TO BOXERS?

85
00:04:37,744 --> 00:04:39,777
NO!

86
00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:43,481
IT'S NOT ABOUT
UNDERWEAR, HARRY,

87
00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:46,318
- ALTHOUGH I
HAVE SWITCHED.
- NO!

88
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,721
I'VE DECIDED
TO TELL MARY

89
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,723
THAT I AM WHAT
HUMANS WOULD CALL,

90
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,492
IN THEIR
GALACTOCENTRIC WAY,

91
00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:56,327
- AN ALIEN.
- Harry:<i> NO!</i>

92
00:04:56,329 --> 00:04:58,330
ARE YOU CRAZY?
WHY ARE YOU
DOING THIS?

93
00:04:58,332 --> 00:05:00,498
YOU'VE NEVER
BLOWN YOUR COVER
ON ANY OTHER MISSION.

94
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,500
I'VE NEVER FELT
THE NEED TO.

95
00:05:02,502 --> 00:05:05,770
- I KEEP HAVING
THESE FEELINGS.
- AI-YI-YI.

96
00:05:07,006 --> 00:05:10,675
IT'S THIS FLESHY
HUMAN SLIPCOVER.

97
00:05:10,677 --> 00:05:13,044
OH, SURE, IT'S
DASHING, TALL,

98
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:15,279
MANLY,

99
00:05:15,281 --> 00:05:17,715
WASHABLE,

100
00:05:17,717 --> 00:05:20,184
BUT SOMEHOW IT JUST
MAKES ME FEEL SO AWFUL

101
00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:22,187
ABOUT DECEIVING
THE WOMAN I LOVE.

102
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:25,690
ALL RIGHT, LOOK.
LET'S JUST THINK
THIS THING THROUGH, OKAY?

103
00:05:25,692 --> 00:05:27,692
I'LL BE HER.
HERE I AM.

104
00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:29,728
I'M MARY, SITTING
AT MY DESK.

105
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:32,064
NOW, YOU COME IN
AND TELL ME.

106
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,872
HELLO, MARY.

107
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:42,874
DICK.

108
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,909
YOU LOOK
HANDSOME TODAY.

109
00:05:44,911 --> 00:05:47,345
AND YOU LOOK
MORE BEAUTIFUL
THAN EVER.

110
00:05:48,848 --> 00:05:51,015
- ( Sally screams )
- WHOA!

111
00:05:52,452 --> 00:05:55,620
ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, OKAY.
LET'S JUST START OVER.

112
00:05:59,793 --> 00:06:01,559
( sniffs )

113
00:06:03,496 --> 00:06:07,165
- HELLO, MARY.
- DICK!

114
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,135
I CAN'T KISS YOU
TODAY BECAUSE
I'VE GOT THE FLU.

115
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,471
AS DO I.

116
00:06:13,473 --> 00:06:16,041
MARY, I AM
AN ALIEN.

117
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,048
SHE'S DEAD!

118
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:28,753
YOU KILLED HER,
YOU ALIEN BASTARD!

119
00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:30,755
WHY?

120
00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:34,159
- WHY?!
- THIS IS NONSENSE!
I'M GOING TO TELL HER.

121
00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:36,661
- YOU'RE GOING
TO GET US ALL KILLED.
- I'M ONLY TELLING ONE PERSON.

122
00:06:36,663 --> 00:06:38,663
SIR, AS SECURITY OFFICER,
I FORBID IT.

123
00:06:38,665 --> 00:06:42,100
AND, AS HIGH COMMANDER,
I HAVE TO SAY TOUGH
TOENAILS, LIEUTENANT.

124
00:06:42,102 --> 00:06:44,102
FINE.
LET IT BE
ON YOUR HEAD.

125
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:47,939
WHICH IS GOING TO BE SITTING
NEXT TO OURS ON A TRAY
SOMEWHERE IN NEW MEXICO.

126
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:51,108
I AM TELLING YOU,
HUMANS CANNOT HANDLE
THIS KIND OF INFORMATION.

127
00:06:51,110 --> 00:06:53,678
MARY CAN.

128
00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:56,781
I JUST HAVE TO FIND
THE RIGHT SETTING,
THE RIGHT ATMOSPHERE

129
00:06:56,783 --> 00:07:00,118
WHERE THE ELEGANT BEAUTY
OF OUR MAGNIFICENT
SURROUNDINGS

130
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:03,121
HELP HER TO EMBRACE
THE TRUTH AND ME.

131
00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:05,290
THEY'RE HAVING
A SCI-FI CONVENTION
IN CLEVELAND.

132
00:07:06,426 --> 00:07:09,060
PERFECT!
PACK YOUR BAGS, KIDS.

133
00:07:09,062 --> 00:07:11,029
- WE'RE GOING
ON A ROAD TRIP.
- SWEET.

134
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:18,970
( overlapping dialogue )

135
00:07:18,972 --> 00:07:20,972
- OOH!
- OH!

136
00:07:20,974 --> 00:07:22,841
AHH!
( gasps )

137
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,876
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

138
00:07:24,878 --> 00:07:27,645
( gasps )
OUR FIRST HOTEL ROOM.

139
00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:30,115
WOW!
WHY DO I SUDDENLY
HAVE THE URGE

140
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,016
TO TRASH IT?

141
00:07:32,018 --> 00:07:34,986
HEY, YOU GUYS,
LOOK AT THIS TINY BOTTLE

142
00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:37,522
I FOUND
IN THE BATHROOM.

143
00:07:37,524 --> 00:07:40,091
EVIDENCE OF
A SUPERIOR RACE

144
00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:42,527
OF TINY PEOPLE.

145
00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:44,528
HOW CAN YOU TELL
THEY'RE SUPERIOR?

146
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:48,099
BECAUSE IT'S A SHAMPOO
AND CONDITIONER IN ONE.

147
00:07:48,101 --> 00:07:49,434
AH.

148
00:07:49,436 --> 00:07:53,104
( gasps )
A TINY FRIDGE

149
00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:55,439
FILLED WITH TINY
BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL

150
00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:58,542
- AND TINY BAGS
OF MACADAMIA NUTS!
- WOW!

151
00:07:58,544 --> 00:08:01,179
THESE PEOPLE MIGHT
BE TINY, BUT THEY
KNOW HOW TO PARTY.

152
00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:03,715
HOW DO THEY GET UP
ON THE BED,

153
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:07,384
ESPECIALLY WHEN
THEY'RE ALL DRUNK
AND FAT ON NUTS?

154
00:08:13,627 --> 00:08:15,793
JUST TELL ME WHEN.

155
00:08:15,795 --> 00:08:17,795
- WHEN.
- WHEN I'VE POURED ENOUGH

156
00:08:17,797 --> 00:08:20,632
TO SLAKE YOUR THIRST
FOR CHAMPAGNE.

157
00:08:20,634 --> 00:08:23,768
- WHEN.
- WHENEVER YOUR
HEART DESIRES.

158
00:08:23,770 --> 00:08:25,503
- WHEN, STOP, NOW.
- NOW?

159
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,439
YEAH, YES,
NOW, NOW!

160
00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:32,310
HALF A BOTTLE
FOR ONE GLASS.

161
00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:34,546
YOU ARE A WILD WOMAN,

162
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:36,547
BUT THEN
I ACCEPT THAT.

163
00:08:36,549 --> 00:08:40,051
I MAY BE WILD,
BUT I'M NOT
GOING TO BITE.

164
00:08:40,053 --> 00:08:42,887
AND NEITHER WILL I,
AND THAT'S THE WHOLE POINT.

165
00:08:42,889 --> 00:08:44,956
THERE WILL BE NO BITING,
NO BLOODLETTING,

166
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:46,857
NO CRANIAL EXPLOSIONS.

167
00:08:46,859 --> 00:08:49,560
WHAT'S WITH YOU?

168
00:08:49,562 --> 00:08:52,397
ALL RIGHT, MARY,
YOU'VE SNIFFED ME OUT.

169
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:55,500
I BROUGHT YOU HERE
UNDER THE GUISE
OF A ROMANTIC HOLIDAY

170
00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:58,002
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT MYSELF.

171
00:08:58,004 --> 00:09:00,171
THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT.

172
00:09:00,173 --> 00:09:02,907
I-- I DON'T WANT
YOU TO JUDGE ME.

173
00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:04,842
I NEVER JUDGE YOU.

174
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,647
SOMETIMES I DO.
OFTEN.

175
00:09:09,649 --> 00:09:12,450
ALWAYS.
I'LL TRY NOT TO
THIS TIME.

176
00:09:12,452 --> 00:09:15,153
MARY, BEFORE
I MET YOU,

177
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:17,155
I WAS COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT.

178
00:09:17,157 --> 00:09:19,257
I WAS FAR, FAR AWAY
FROM HERE.

179
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:21,426
AND EVER SINCE
I LEFT THAT PLACE,

180
00:09:21,428 --> 00:09:24,062
I'VE BEEN FIGHTING
SO HARD TO FIT IN.

181
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:27,098
AND IF EVER
ANYONE FOUND OUT,
I'D HAVE TO GO BACK

182
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:30,368
BECAUSE I COULD NEVER LIVE
IN THIS WORLD ANY LONGER.

183
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:32,370
OH, DICK,

184
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,472
WERE YOU
IN A... CLINIC?

185
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,745
- CLINIC?
- IT'S OKAY.

186
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:42,780
SO WAS I.

187
00:09:42,782 --> 00:09:44,715
OH!

188
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,502
-<i> ( alarm blares, stops )</i>
- WAKE UP, EVERYBODY!

189
00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,872
WE'RE GOING TO
THE SCI-FI CONVENTION.

190
00:10:07,874 --> 00:10:10,875
( imitates laser gun blast,
heart beating )

191
00:10:15,282 --> 00:10:17,816
WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT
THIS SCI-FI CONVENTION?

192
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:20,150
DON'T YOU SEE?
IT'S A PERFECT
OPPORTUNITY

193
00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:22,152
TO TAKE A STAND,

194
00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:25,022
TO PROTEST HOW
THE REST OF THE WORLD
IS TREATING OUR KIND.

195
00:10:25,024 --> 00:10:27,492
YOU WANT TO BE
SOME KIND OF ALIEN
MARTIN LUTHER KING?

196
00:10:27,494 --> 00:10:29,928
EXACTLY,

197
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:33,497
BECAUSE I, TOO,
HAVE A DREAM,

198
00:10:33,499 --> 00:10:35,733
AND IN THAT DREAM
I'M NAKED

199
00:10:35,735 --> 00:10:37,769
ON A FERRIS WHEEL.

200
00:10:39,505 --> 00:10:41,505
I'LL MEET YOU GUYS
IN THE LOBBY.

201
00:10:41,507 --> 00:10:43,575
I'M GOING TO GO
MAKE SURE DICK HASN'T
BLOWN OUR COVER.

202
00:10:43,577 --> 00:10:46,011
SALLY, THERE'S A NOTE
FOR YOU ON THE DOOR.

203
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,581
"PLEASE MAKE UP ROOM."

204
00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:57,121
ALL RIGHT,
I'LL DO IT WHEN
WE GET BACK.

205
00:10:57,123 --> 00:10:59,791
WE'RE GOING
TO THE SCI-FI
CONVENTION!

206
00:11:05,064 --> 00:11:07,164
I'VE NEVER TOLD
ANYONE THIS BEFORE,

207
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:10,735
BUT WHEN I WAS
A LITTLE GIRL--
NINE, 10...

208
00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:13,171
17--

209
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,706
- I WAS FAT.
- HOW FAT?

210
00:11:15,708 --> 00:11:18,375
FAT ENOUGH
THAT EVERYBODY
MADE FUN OF ME.

211
00:11:18,377 --> 00:11:20,578
FAT AS A COW?
IS THAT HOW FAT?

212
00:11:20,580 --> 00:11:23,714
- THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
- RIGHT, SORRY.  YOU GO ON.

213
00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:26,017
ANYWAY, INSTEAD OF
REACHING OUT FOR HELP,

214
00:11:26,019 --> 00:11:28,153
I TURNED INWARD
AND BECAME BITTER

215
00:11:28,155 --> 00:11:30,255
AND DISILLUSIONED
WITH THE WORLD
AROUND ME.

216
00:11:30,257 --> 00:11:32,824
- 300 POUNDS?  400--
- DICK!

217
00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:34,892
SORRY.

218
00:11:34,894 --> 00:11:38,062
MY PARENTS JUST
MADE IT WORSE.

219
00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:40,565
THEY HAD THIS NOTION
THAT I WAS GOING TO BE

220
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,567
AN OLYMPIC
FIGURE SKATER.

221
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:45,503
THEY FORCED ME
INTO A LEOTARD.

222
00:11:45,505 --> 00:11:49,206
I LOOKED LIKE A SAUSAGE
IN PURPLE VELOUR CASING.

223
00:11:49,208 --> 00:11:52,643
AND WHEN I SKATED,
THEY CALLED ME
THE ZAMBONI.

224
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,481
THEN ONE DAY I--
I CRACKED.

225
00:11:57,483 --> 00:12:00,651
- THE ICE?
- MENTALLY!

226
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:04,289
- I CRACKED MENTALLY.
- MENTALLY, MENTALLY.

227
00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:08,059
MY PARENTS SENT ME
TO A SPECIAL PLACE--

228
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,194
CAMP KNOCK-A-LOT-
OF-WEIGHT-OFF.

229
00:12:10,196 --> 00:12:12,163
MARY, THAT IS
JUST TERRIBLE.

230
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:15,766
- I'M SO SORRY.
- NO, NO, IT'S
FINE, REALLY.

231
00:12:15,768 --> 00:12:18,569
THANKS FOR LETTING ME
CONFIDE IN YOU.

232
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:22,239
NOW, WHY WERE YOU
IN A CLINIC?

233
00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:25,209
OH, UH, WELL,
FUNNY STORY.

234
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:28,379
I WAS, UH...
HOW CAN I PUT THIS?

235
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,114
- NOT.
- WHAT?!

236
00:12:30,116 --> 00:12:32,550
- HERE GOES.  I AM--
-<i> ( knocking )</i>

237
00:12:32,552 --> 00:12:35,920
JUST HOLD
THAT THOUGHT.
SALLY!

238
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,956
I NEED TO TALK
TO DICK IN PRIVATE.

239
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:40,658
DON'T YOU HAVE SOME GIRLY
THING YOU NEED TO DO
IN THE BATHROOM?

240
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:42,893
- NO.
- THEN JUST GO
SIT IN THERE.

241
00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:44,929
- EXCUSE ME?
- YOU'RE EXCUSED.

242
00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:47,298
WHAT, UH--
WELL!

243
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,667
- ( whispers )
- SHH!

244
00:12:49,669 --> 00:12:52,269
-<i> ( door closes )</i>
- I WAS THIS CLOSE
TO POURING MY HEART OUT.

245
00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:55,907
- THEN I ARRIVED IN TIME.
- SHE JUST TOLD ME ONE
OF HER DEEPEST SECRETS.

246
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,242
- SHE USED TO BE FAT.
- FAT AS A COW?

247
00:12:58,244 --> 00:13:01,412
- THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
- THE POINT IS, SHE
CAN'T KEEP A SECRET.

248
00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:04,582
TELL HER, THE NEXT THING
YOU KNOW, THE AIR FORCE HAS
SEALED OFF THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

249
00:13:04,584 --> 00:13:06,984
THAT'S A RISK
I'M WILLING TO TAKE.

250
00:13:06,986 --> 00:13:09,820
HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?
YOU TELL HER YOU'RE
AN ALIEN,

251
00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:12,290
AND SHE FREAKS OUT,
RUNS AWAY,

252
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:15,292
AND YOU NEVER SEE
HER AGAIN, EVER.

253
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,329
OH...

254
00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:20,798
IN MY SCENARIO,
SHE COMES RUNNING
INTO MY ARMS.

255
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,633
WELL,

256
00:13:22,635 --> 00:13:26,237
THAT'S JUST A RISK
YOU'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO TAKE...

257
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:27,838
ALIEN.

258
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:47,992
- IT IS FASCINATING,
THOUGH, ISN'T IT?
- WHAT?

259
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:51,563
HOW THESE PEOPLE
FULFILL THEIR LIVES
THROUGH FANTASY.

260
00:13:51,565 --> 00:13:54,032
IT'S LIKE THOSE GUYS
THAT SPEND ALL
OF THEIR TIME

261
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,467
READING THOSE
FAKE LETTERS
IN "PENTHOUSE."

262
00:13:56,469 --> 00:13:58,069
THEY'RE FAKE?

263
00:13:59,906 --> 00:14:02,373
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT
THESE PEOPLE WOULD DO

264
00:14:02,375 --> 00:14:04,642
IF THEY MET
AN ACTUAL ALIEN?

265
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,944
THEY WOULD
COMPLETELY FREAK OUT.

266
00:14:06,946 --> 00:14:10,447
I DON'T KNOW.
IN A WAY, AREN'T
WE ALL ALIENS?

267
00:14:10,449 --> 00:14:13,450
I MEAN, WE EMERGE
FROM WEIGHTLESS
ENVIRONMENTS,

268
00:14:13,452 --> 00:14:15,486
SEEING EVERYTHING
FOR THE FIRST TIME

269
00:14:15,488 --> 00:14:17,388
WITH CURIOUS
NEW EYES,

270
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:19,991
EVERY EMOTION BRAND-NEW,
ALWAYS DISCOVERING,

271
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:21,659
ALWAYS LEARNING.

272
00:14:21,661 --> 00:14:23,661
YEAH, YOU KEEP
OVERTHINKING LIFE.

273
00:14:23,663 --> 00:14:26,531
I'M GOING TO
GET A COUPLE
OF SPACE CHURROS.

274
00:14:28,334 --> 00:14:30,668
SEE?
SOMEBODY BROKE
INTO THE ROOM.

275
00:14:30,670 --> 00:14:32,603
LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

276
00:14:34,808 --> 00:14:37,241
- LOOKS CLEAN TO ME.
- EXACTLY.

277
00:14:37,243 --> 00:14:40,177
THEY CLEANED EVERYTHING,
MADE THE BEDS,
REWRAPPED THE SOAP,

278
00:14:40,179 --> 00:14:42,479
SANITIZED THE TOILET
FOR MY PROTECTION.

279
00:14:42,481 --> 00:14:44,548
LOOK, LOOK,
LOOK, LOOK!

280
00:14:44,550 --> 00:14:47,085
THE MAID WAS HERE.

281
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:50,421
THE MAID?
THERE'S A MAID?

282
00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:52,256
HOUSEKEEPING.

283
00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:54,725
HERE.
IT'S A WHOLE BOOK
OF SERVICES

284
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,660
THE HOTEL HAS
TO OFFER.

285
00:14:57,964 --> 00:15:00,098
DRY CLEANING,
WAKE-UP CALLS,

286
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,000
IN-ROOM DINING?

287
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:03,968
YES, MA'AM,
ROOM SERVICE.

288
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:07,104
ROOM SERVICE?

289
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,743
ROOM...

290
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,511
SERVICE.

291
00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:18,716
- DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS?
- NO, MA'AM.

292
00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:21,653
WE'RE IN HEAVEN.

293
00:15:21,655 --> 00:15:23,655
YOU, MY GOOD MAN, ARE

294
00:15:23,657 --> 00:15:26,023
THE ASSISTANT MANAGER
OF HEAVEN.

295
00:15:26,025 --> 00:15:28,359
- THANK YOU, MA'AM.
- BYE-BYE.

296
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:37,468
HI.  YES.

297
00:15:37,470 --> 00:15:40,304
THIS IS SALLY SOLOMON
IN ROOM 605.

298
00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:43,474
CAN I GET
A TURKEY SANDWICH?

299
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:46,644
I CAN?

300
00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,746
CAN I GET 10?

301
00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:55,019
-<i> ( applause )</i>
- LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.

302
00:15:57,924 --> 00:16:00,992
HAILING FREQUENCIES
OPEN, EVERYBODY.
I'M GEORGE TAKEI.

303
00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:09,167
SEEING ALL OF YOU
HERE MAKES ME FEEL
LIKE A KID AGAIN,

304
00:16:09,169 --> 00:16:12,737
ALMOST AS IF,
AS MR. SULU ONCE SAID,

305
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:15,839
MY CHRONOMETER'S
RUNNING BACKWARDS.

306
00:16:15,841 --> 00:16:16,941
HA!

307
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,578
YOU PEOPLE ARE
LIVING A LIE.

308
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,513
LOOK AT YOURSELVES,

309
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:25,115
EMBRACING NEGATIVE
ALIEN STEREOTYPES.

310
00:16:25,117 --> 00:16:28,519
DID YOU EVER STOP
TO THINK THAT MAYBE
ALIENS ARE FRIENDLY,

311
00:16:28,521 --> 00:16:30,588
KIND, ATTRACTIVE
PEOPLE?

312
00:16:30,590 --> 00:16:32,990
UH, SECURITY?

313
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,159
HATH NOT
AN ALIEN EYES

314
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:36,860
OR BUTTOCKS?

315
00:16:36,862 --> 00:16:39,363
IF YOU PRICK AN ALIEN,
DOES IT NOT SAY

316
00:16:39,365 --> 00:16:41,298
"OW, OW, OW"?

317
00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,701
WE SHOULD NOT EMBRACE

318
00:16:43,703 --> 00:16:45,369
SCIENCE FICTION.

319
00:16:45,371 --> 00:16:47,471
SCREW SCI-FI.

320
00:16:47,473 --> 00:16:50,407
INSTEAD, WE
SHOULD EMBRACE

321
00:16:50,409 --> 00:16:53,677
SCIENCE FACT--

322
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:55,513
SCI-FA.

323
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,114
HARRY, LET'S GO NOW.

324
00:16:57,116 --> 00:16:59,550
LONG LIVE SCI-FA.

325
00:17:01,453 --> 00:17:03,921
YOU THERE,
FORGET THE WINDOWS
AND SCRUB THAT SINK

326
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:05,957
UNTIL I SEE
MY FACE IN IT.
THANKS.

327
00:17:05,959 --> 00:17:08,225
-<i> ( knocking )</i>
- OH, COMING!

328
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,462
- GOOD AFTERNOON, MA'AM.
- GOOD AFTERNOON.

329
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:14,131
- I'M HERE TO PICK UP
YOUR DRY CLEANING.
- THAT PILE ON THE LUGGAGE.

330
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:16,133
HELL, DO
THE LUGGAGE, TOO.

331
00:17:16,135 --> 00:17:18,469
SALLY, I JUST
FEEL TERRIBLE.

332
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:21,839
WELL, YOU'RE DOING
THE RIGHT THING BY NOT
TELLING HER, HONEY.

333
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:23,841
DARLING, WHEN YOU'RE DONE
WITH THE BATHROOM,

334
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,910
DUST THE CREDENZA
AND FERTILIZE
THE POTTED PLANTS.

335
00:17:25,912 --> 00:17:28,812
I'M WANT 'EM BLOOMING
AND MAKING ME HAPPY.

336
00:17:28,814 --> 00:17:31,315
I CAME HERE
WITH THE SOLE PURPOSE
OF COMING CLEAN,

337
00:17:31,317 --> 00:17:34,685
- AND NOW I FEEL SO DIRTY.
- JUST TAKE A BUBBLE BATH.

338
00:17:34,687 --> 00:17:37,020
YOU KNOW, THE TUB'S
GOT BEAUTIFULLY
POSITIONED JETS,

339
00:17:37,022 --> 00:17:39,023
AND THE SHOWER
TURNS INTO A SAUNA.

340
00:17:39,025 --> 00:17:40,891
"DIRTY" WAS
A METAPHOR.

341
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:43,394
I'M SURE
IT WAS, HONEY.
HI.  YES.

342
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,663
COULD WE GET
SOME EUCALYPTUS OIL
UP HERE

343
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:49,233
AND A COUPLE
OF BIG, FAT LOOFAHS?
THANKS.

344
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,435
- SALLY?
- HELLO, BOYS.

345
00:17:51,437 --> 00:17:55,539
- WHAT'S ALL THIS STUFF?
- ROOM... SERVICE.

346
00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,611
Both:
ROOM SERVICE.

347
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:02,613
IF I WANT A TOWEL,
THEY SEND IT UP.

348
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:04,682
IF I WANT A RADISH,
THEY SEND IT UP.

349
00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:07,151
THEY SET UP A LAPTOP,
A FAX, A VCR.
AND WHY?

350
00:18:07,153 --> 00:18:09,386
BECAUSE UNTIL CHECKOUT
TIME TOMORROW,

351
00:18:09,388 --> 00:18:11,822
I'M THEIR QUEEN.

352
00:18:11,824 --> 00:18:14,191
- I'M GLAD YOU'RE
HAVING A GOOD TIME.
- I AM.

353
00:18:14,193 --> 00:18:17,561
I'LL BE DOWN IN MY ROOM.
ARE THESE CHOCOLATE
TRUFFLES?

354
00:18:17,563 --> 00:18:19,497
HEY!  GET YOUR OWN
FRENCH SAMPLER.

355
00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:27,605
HOW CAN YOU LOOK
AT YOURSELF?

356
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,240
DECEIVING THE PERSON
YOU LOVE FOR THE SAKE
OF A MISSION.

357
00:18:30,242 --> 00:18:32,643
LOOK AT YOU.

358
00:18:32,645 --> 00:18:34,578
YOU'RE GORGEOUS!

359
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:39,316
- Mary:<i> DID YOU SAY SOMETHING?</i>
- OH, NO, NOTHING.

360
00:18:39,318 --> 00:18:42,152
TELL HER, TELL HER.
BUT HOW?

361
00:18:46,325 --> 00:18:48,492
STAND BACK,
EARTH MAN,

362
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:51,996
AND PREPARE TO BE
DEMOLECULARIZED

363
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,899
IN WAYS YOU'VE
NEVER IMAGINED.

364
00:18:54,901 --> 00:18:57,902
- MARY?
- I'M NOT MARY.

365
00:18:57,904 --> 00:19:01,171
I AM UMA
FROM THE PLANET
THURMAN.

366
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,074
REMOVE YOUR
EARTH PANTS.

367
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:08,579
ANY RESISTANCE WILL
BE FUTILE, HUMAN.

368
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:11,349
HUMAN.

369
00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:14,185
BUT I'M NOT HUMAN.

370
00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:16,954
I'VE BEEN
DECEIVING YOU.

371
00:19:16,956 --> 00:19:18,956
I'M AN ALIEN
FROM A PLANET

372
00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:22,226
IN THE BARD SPIRAL GALAXY
ON THE CEPHEUS DRACO BORDER.

373
00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,696
I WAS SENT HERE
BY OUR LEADER,

374
00:19:25,698 --> 00:19:28,298
THE BIG GIANT HEAD,
TO EXPLORE THIS PLANET.

375
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:32,269
DICK SOLOMON IS
JUST A FACADE,

376
00:19:32,271 --> 00:19:35,105
HIDING A QUIVERING
PURPLE TUBE.

377
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,341
I AM THE HIGH
COMMANDER,

378
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:40,044
AND THIS...
IS MY SALUTE.

379
00:19:47,586 --> 00:19:49,186
OH, REALLY?

380
00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:53,223
I HAVE SEEN
YOUR PLANET.

381
00:19:53,225 --> 00:19:57,294
IT IS A SAVAGE PLACE
AND MUST BE CONQUERED.

382
00:19:57,296 --> 00:19:59,229
OH, MARY.

383
00:19:59,231 --> 00:20:02,633
- OW!
- OW!  OH.

384
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,670
OW!

385
00:20:05,672 --> 00:20:06,636
OH!

386
00:20:09,275 --> 00:20:11,842
THIS IS HARRY SOLOMON.
I'D LIKE TO GET
ANOTHER MASSAGE

387
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:14,779
'CAUSE I'M STARTING
TO FEEL A LITTLE
TENSE AGAIN.

388
00:20:16,015 --> 00:20:18,181
HEY, LOOK
WHAT I FOUND.

389
00:20:18,183 --> 00:20:20,451
OH, WHAT IS IT?

390
00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:23,153
IT LOOKS LIKE A LIST
OF EVERYTHING WE GOT
WHILE WE WERE HERE.

391
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:25,890
LOBSTER, LOBSTER,
LOBSTER, LOBSTER.

392
00:20:25,892 --> 00:20:28,058
HEY, WHAT'S THAT NUMBER
THERE AT THE BOTTOM?

393
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:31,895
IT'S PROBABLY
THE POPULATION OF
CLEVELAND OR SOMETHING.

394
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:33,363
THAT'S YOUR BILL.

395
00:20:37,035 --> 00:20:40,071
- OH, MY GOD.
- NO WAY.

396
00:20:40,073 --> 00:20:42,073
WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?

397
00:20:42,075 --> 00:20:44,442
HARRY, GET ME
THE LAPTOP,
THE MODEM,

398
00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:47,611
THE MAGNETIC STRIP
KEY THAT GOT US
INTO THIS ROOM,

399
00:20:47,613 --> 00:20:49,580
AND A SHOWER CAP.

400
00:20:50,849 --> 00:20:52,849
GOOD MORNING,
MR. TAKEI.

401
00:20:52,851 --> 00:20:54,851
GOOD MORNING.
I'M CHECKING OUT.

402
00:20:54,853 --> 00:20:57,955
OF COURSE.
HERE'S YOUR BILL, SIR.

403
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,527
$3,000?

404
00:21:03,529 --> 00:21:05,663
WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I CAN AFFORD IT.

405
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,265
I'M A FAMOUS ACTOR.

406
00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:11,702
I'M SORRY.
THAT'S $30,000,
MR. TAKEI.

407
00:21:14,607 --> 00:21:16,807
OH, MY.

408
00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:26,283
14 BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE,
SHRIMP COCKTAILS,

409
00:21:26,285 --> 00:21:28,118
HUMMUS ON PITA TIPS?

410
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,155
LOOK, I HAD A TOBLERONE
AND TWO GINGER ALES.

411
00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:33,157
THAT'S IT.

412
00:21:33,159 --> 00:21:35,793
SEVEN MASSAGES?
HOW COULD I GET
SEVEN MASSAGES?

413
00:21:35,795 --> 00:21:38,495
DO I LOOK RELAXED?
DO I?

414
00:21:38,497 --> 00:21:40,597
WHAT'S THIS?

415
00:21:42,935 --> 00:21:45,969
ALL RIGHT,
SO I TOOK ONE TOWEL.

416
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:47,705
ONE TOWEL.

417
00:21:47,707 --> 00:21:49,673
I'M GEORGE TAKEI,
DAMN IT!