1
00:00:11,812 --> 00:00:14,380
Will this never end?
2
00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:16,948
We've been waiting
in line for a month!
3
00:00:17,018 --> 00:00:20,319
D-Do you recall Nina
and I even inviting you?
4
00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:22,488
At least there's
a kissing booth at the end.
5
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:23,889
That's something
to look forward to.
6
00:00:23,957 --> 00:00:26,024
There's no kissing
booth at the end,
7
00:00:26,093 --> 00:00:27,826
and I specifically
said "Don't come.
8
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:29,828
You'll be bored,
and you'll annoy us."
9
00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:34,899
Oh, God, I need caffeine,
or I'm gonna fall asleep.
10
00:00:34,969 --> 00:00:37,469
Nina, be a lamb
and fetch me a cappuccino.
11
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,773
I'm here to get Claire Volk
to sign my book, that's all.
12
00:00:40,841 --> 00:00:44,109
What is this obsession
with Claire Volk
and her signature?
13
00:00:44,178 --> 00:00:46,845
It can't be healthy.
It can't be healthy!
14
00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:50,248
Claire Volk's first book
taught me to love myself
15
00:00:50,317 --> 00:00:52,417
during some really
rough times.
16
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:54,853
She's a fully
actualized person
17
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:56,221
with so much to share.
18
00:00:56,290 --> 00:00:58,523
There are two things
I'm certain about:
19
00:00:58,591 --> 00:01:00,158
she is not fully actualized,
20
00:01:00,227 --> 00:01:03,662
and I don't know
what that means.
21
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:06,231
There isn't
a human being alive
22
00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:07,832
that couldn't benefit
from this book.
23
00:01:07,902 --> 00:01:09,334
Here, let me see it.
24
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,137
A Road Map
for Permanent Happiness.
25
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:13,638
I'll give the intro a skim
26
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,873
and get back to you
with my thoughts.
27
00:01:15,942 --> 00:01:17,609
Baloney.
28
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:19,043
Crap.
29
00:01:19,112 --> 00:01:20,579
Nonsense.
30
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:22,080
More crap.
31
00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:25,483
Interesting.
32
00:01:26,953 --> 00:01:28,720
Hmm.
33
00:01:28,788 --> 00:01:30,088
Next?
34
00:01:30,157 --> 00:01:32,424
Hi. I'm Mary Albright,
35
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:34,426
and I have been waiting
a long time--
36
00:01:34,495 --> 00:01:35,694
Miss Volk,
37
00:01:35,762 --> 00:01:37,696
in the last few feet
of this line,
38
00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:39,698
you have changed
my life forever!
39
00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:42,167
Would you like me
to sign your book?
40
00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:43,501
Book nothing!
41
00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:45,103
Sign my breast!
42
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,610
And see if you can
use the nipple
43
00:01:51,678 --> 00:01:52,810
to dot the "I."
44
00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:32,584
Come on.
I want to hear you say it.
45
00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,353
Oh, I love you, too.
46
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:38,289
Oh, who was that?
47
00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:39,490
Tommy!
48
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,528
How's he doing
at college?
49
00:02:43,596 --> 00:02:44,630
Oh, terrible.
50
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,965
He said something
about a fraternity
51
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:51,336
and being hazed by Greeks,
and it's Hell Week.
52
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:53,905
He doesn't know
if he's gonna make it.
53
00:02:53,973 --> 00:02:56,240
Hell Week? He could
be in mortal danger.
54
00:02:56,310 --> 00:02:58,076
Family meeting!
Family meeting!
55
00:02:58,145 --> 00:03:00,912
I got to get to Tommy's school.
He could be dead already.
56
00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:04,649
Now? But I want
to show you my new book!
57
00:03:04,718 --> 00:03:06,851
Listen to me, I will do
anything to keep Tommy
58
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,086
or any member of this
family from being killed,
59
00:03:09,155 --> 00:03:10,822
even if it means
killing you
60
00:03:10,891 --> 00:03:13,058
or any member
of this family!
61
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:17,862
Harry...
62
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:21,466
all through our tumultuous
existence on this planet,
63
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:24,502
we have been enslaved
by our negative emotions.
64
00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:26,270
That's so true.
I got to run.
65
00:03:26,339 --> 00:03:27,906
Ah, no--
66
00:03:27,975 --> 00:03:29,107
Are you happy?
67
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:30,141
Yeah.
68
00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,142
Really happy?
69
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,143
Yeah.
70
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:34,078
Really, really,
really happy?
71
00:03:34,148 --> 00:03:35,713
No.
72
00:03:35,783 --> 00:03:39,584
With this book,
we are going to master
our emotions.
73
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:41,887
No more ups and downs,
only ups.
74
00:03:41,955 --> 00:03:44,555
From now on, the quest
for perma-happiness
75
00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:47,692
must be our first
and our only priority.
76
00:03:47,761 --> 00:03:50,829
Calm, calm,
happy, happy.
77
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:54,799
Okay, I paid to get
that leak in the kitchen
roof fixed.
78
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:57,802
Now, one of you got to go up
and paint the ceiling,
79
00:03:57,871 --> 00:03:59,838
or I'm keeping
your security deposit.
80
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:02,340
Okay, Harry,
you paint the ceiling.
81
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,442
I'll get happy
for both of us.
82
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:11,249
[Sally]
Tommy? Tommy!
83
00:04:11,318 --> 00:04:13,384
Oh, my God, Tommy,
84
00:04:13,453 --> 00:04:16,454
they've brainwashed you
into thinking the floors
are teeth.
85
00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:18,857
Sally, what are you
doing here?
86
00:04:18,926 --> 00:04:20,491
Okay,
I came to save your ass.
87
00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:21,726
Now jump on my back,
88
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:24,095
and I'm gonna bust you
out of this death trap.
89
00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:25,830
What are you
talking about?
90
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:30,101
Hell Week. You told Harry
you might not make it.
91
00:04:30,169 --> 00:04:31,936
Don't you remember?
92
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:33,304
Tommy?
93
00:04:33,373 --> 00:04:34,973
Tommy, are you in there?
94
00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,140
Sally!
95
00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:37,776
I meant I was afraid
96
00:04:37,844 --> 00:04:39,878
I might not make it
into the frat.
97
00:04:39,947 --> 00:04:42,213
The frat.
98
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:45,250
Great. Okay.
99
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:49,254
Hell, that was worth
a four-hour bus ride.
100
00:04:49,323 --> 00:04:52,056
Sally, this place
has the best parties,
101
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,692
the nicest girls,
102
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:56,928
and some of
the skankiest girls.
103
00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:58,429
Which is why
the frat brothers
104
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,431
are putting us through
a series of tests--
105
00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,934
to make sure none
of the weenie geeks
get in.
106
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:04,903
Oh, I see.
So you're worried,
107
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:07,271
'cause you're
a weenie geek.
108
00:05:07,340 --> 00:05:09,474
No.
109
00:05:09,542 --> 00:05:11,442
I merely have some concerns
110
00:05:11,511 --> 00:05:13,778
that the frat selection
process
111
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:16,481
might not be scientific.
112
00:05:16,549 --> 00:05:20,152
I just wish I knew
what the pledge master
has planned.
113
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:22,220
Tommy, you know,
114
00:05:22,288 --> 00:05:24,589
I might be able
to help you here.
115
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:27,391
As it happens, I'm not
just a master of escape,
116
00:05:27,460 --> 00:05:31,863
but I am also a master
of getting into places
117
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:39,203
and...sneakily secret...
finding.
118
00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:40,839
Infiltration.
119
00:05:40,907 --> 00:05:42,206
Thank you. Infiltration.
120
00:05:42,275 --> 00:05:44,643
Oh, yeah, you're not a geek.
121
00:05:48,649 --> 00:05:50,749
Oh, Dick,
I can't believe
122
00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:52,250
how into this book
you are.
123
00:05:52,318 --> 00:05:55,320
It's wonderful.
I am so proud of you.
124
00:05:55,389 --> 00:05:56,688
Oh, thank you, Mary.
125
00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,089
Claire Volk says
126
00:05:58,157 --> 00:06:00,692
that I don't need any
affirmation but my own,
127
00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:03,795
so I'm gonna pretend
that I said that.
128
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:08,366
The book says that Step 1
to perma-happiness
129
00:06:08,435 --> 00:06:10,535
is the forgiveness
ceremony, so--
130
00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:11,870
Should I go first?
131
00:06:11,938 --> 00:06:14,806
No, no, no.
I've been saving up.
132
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:20,979
I forgive Nina
for eating my lunch today.
133
00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:24,783
Dick, Nina did that
because you ate her lunch.
134
00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:27,185
Mary, is this
a forgiveness ceremony
135
00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:29,054
or a who-ate-Nina's-lunch
inquisition?
136
00:06:29,123 --> 00:06:31,189
Sorry, sorry.
Your turn.
137
00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:34,325
I forgive my mother
138
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:36,494
for making a mess
of my childhood.
139
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:39,397
Ah. But you're still mad,
I can tell.
140
00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:41,833
It's Dick 1, Mary zero.
141
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,635
Dick, this is not
a competition.
142
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,036
That's
because you're losing.
143
00:06:45,105 --> 00:06:46,938
Okay. It's my turn.
144
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,476
I forgive you, Mary,
145
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:53,745
for those 5 pounds
you put on last Christmas.
146
00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:54,746
Dick!
147
00:06:54,815 --> 00:06:56,280
No, no. It's done.
148
00:06:56,350 --> 00:06:57,949
Come on. Your turn.
149
00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:04,322
I forgive the world
150
00:07:04,391 --> 00:07:06,123
for its capricious--
151
00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:07,625
That makes me
think of one.
152
00:07:07,694 --> 00:07:09,561
You didn't
let me finish.
153
00:07:09,629 --> 00:07:10,829
Forgive me?
Yes, but you--
154
00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:12,997
Okay,
then it's my turn again.
155
00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:18,670
I forgive the world
156
00:07:18,738 --> 00:07:21,205
for its capricious...
157
00:07:23,643 --> 00:07:25,811
What were you gonna put
on the end of that, Mary?
158
00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:28,313
Oh, Dick, maybe we should
do this thing separately.
159
00:07:28,382 --> 00:07:29,814
The things
I'm trying to forgive
160
00:07:29,883 --> 00:07:31,082
are snowballing
on me here.
161
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:33,718
But, Mary, I was gonna
forgive you for snoring,
162
00:07:33,786 --> 00:07:35,486
for chewing
with your mouth open,
163
00:07:35,555 --> 00:07:36,988
and for a loud
phone voice.
164
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:38,990
Are you sure you want
to miss all that?
165
00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,491
I don't want
to do this anymore.
166
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:41,492
Come on, Mary.
167
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:42,694
No, no, just go away.
168
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:43,694
Impatience, too.
169
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:45,096
No, get out.
170
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:49,200
I forgive you.
171
00:07:49,269 --> 00:07:51,503
Get out!
172
00:07:57,911 --> 00:08:00,879
Hey, Harry. Here's
the paint and brushes
173
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:03,715
from when you were
supposed to help me
paint my apartment.
174
00:08:03,784 --> 00:08:05,817
Thanks for hurrying over
to help me, Nina.
175
00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:08,319
Help nothing.
I came to get
my hundred bucks back
176
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:10,689
from when you were
supposed to help me
paint my apartment.
177
00:08:10,757 --> 00:08:12,323
Yeah. How'd that go?
178
00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:13,991
Well, actually,
you never even showed--
179
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:16,994
I don't have time for this.
I got a ceiling to paint,
180
00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:20,832
so either pay me
the hundred bucks
you owe me, or get out.
181
00:08:20,901 --> 00:08:24,802
No, you owe me,
so what the hell are you
so fired up about?
182
00:08:24,872 --> 00:08:27,239
Well, it's not every day
Dick gives me an assignment,
183
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,941
and I want to put my heart
and soul into it,
184
00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,276
make it a labor of love.
185
00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:32,543
Harry,
it's a ceiling.
186
00:08:32,612 --> 00:08:34,279
Pick a color
and slap it on.
187
00:08:34,348 --> 00:08:36,647
I can't just
pick and color!
188
00:08:36,716 --> 00:08:39,351
It has to speak to me.
189
00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:41,786
It has to reflect
the golden rays of sunlight
190
00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,289
off my Cheerios
in the morning,
191
00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:47,258
or stir my interest
as I stare up at it
192
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:49,260
while Dick's talking.
193
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,933
Hi.
194
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:56,834
Hi, there. Hi.
195
00:08:56,904 --> 00:08:58,736
You know, I was walking
across campus
196
00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:00,538
on my way
to a campus building,
197
00:09:00,607 --> 00:09:02,374
and I thought
I'd just swing by
198
00:09:02,442 --> 00:09:05,509
and ask you what your
hazing rituals were.
199
00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:06,911
Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
200
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,179
I've
taken a solemn vow
201
00:09:08,247 --> 00:09:11,149
never to reveal
the secrets
of this pledge book.
202
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:13,284
You tell me,
I'll go out with you.
203
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:15,386
Let me walk you
through it.
Okay.
204
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:42,980
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
205
00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:46,117
How can paint
that tastes this good
206
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:47,985
look this bad?
207
00:09:52,559 --> 00:09:55,726
All right, line up!
Come on, line up!
208
00:09:55,795 --> 00:09:58,462
Okay, ladies, we've
got a new assistant
pledge master.
209
00:09:58,532 --> 00:10:00,164
Her name is Sally.
210
00:10:00,233 --> 00:10:02,333
Well, Stan is half right.
211
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:04,602
My name is Sally,
but from now on,
212
00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:06,437
you'll all know me as--
213
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,706
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
214
00:10:08,774 --> 00:10:09,707
That's right--
215
00:10:09,775 --> 00:10:12,043
Sally Ow-ow-ow.
216
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,378
What's your name?
217
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:14,479
I'm Bucky.
218
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:17,081
Oh, my God, your parents
are so cruel.
219
00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:19,050
But guess what, you ain't
seen nothing yet.
220
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,051
Ahh!
221
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,319
All right,
what's your name?
222
00:10:21,387 --> 00:10:22,420
I'm Jim.
223
00:10:22,488 --> 00:10:23,687
Not anymore.
224
00:10:23,756 --> 00:10:25,456
From now on,
your name is Rose,
225
00:10:25,525 --> 00:10:27,525
and you're a 78-year-old
grandmother.
226
00:10:27,593 --> 00:10:29,828
Go run 6 miles
with a walker.
227
00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:31,362
Go, go, go!
228
00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:32,730
What's your name, Tommy?
229
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:34,265
I'm Tommy.
230
00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:36,000
Hi, there.
231
00:10:36,068 --> 00:10:38,335
[Stan]
Excuse me. Excuse me.
232
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:40,004
Do you guys
know each other?
233
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,272
Uh, no,
not at all.
234
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:43,441
I never met him
before in my life.
235
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:45,276
No special
treatment here.
236
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:46,611
She'll treat me exactly
237
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:49,380
like she treats everyone else
she doesn't know, right?
238
00:10:49,448 --> 00:10:51,282
That's what you want,
right?
239
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,283
Yeah.
240
00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:53,284
Okay.
241
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:55,353
Really?
Yes.
242
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:57,188
All right. Good.
243
00:10:57,257 --> 00:11:00,592
One question--you wearing
boxers or briefs?
244
00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:02,593
Boxers.
245
00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:04,062
Wrong answer.
246
00:11:04,131 --> 00:11:05,329
Aah!
247
00:11:11,571 --> 00:11:14,472
Mary, you'll
be happy to know
248
00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,807
that I'm deep
into Step 2.
249
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:18,076
I have successfully
eliminated
250
00:11:18,144 --> 00:11:20,078
all the negative
relationships
in my life--
251
00:11:20,146 --> 00:11:22,914
Judith, Strudwick,
the Chancellor.
252
00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,916
I've even
stopped yelling
at the little voice
253
00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:26,685
that comes
out of the clown's head
254
00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:28,186
when I'm
at the drive-through.
255
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:30,388
Wow, you've really grown.
256
00:11:30,457 --> 00:11:32,656
Yes, I have, Mary.
257
00:11:32,725 --> 00:11:34,591
I'm almost
perma-happy Dick.
258
00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:36,127
Oh!
259
00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:37,628
Anyway, you're history.
260
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:41,432
What?
Yeah, you're gone.
261
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,200
I can't be in this
relationship anymore.
262
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:44,502
Too many ups and downs.
263
00:11:46,406 --> 00:11:48,773
You're breaking up with me
because of this book?
264
00:11:48,842 --> 00:11:50,474
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
265
00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,481
No.
266
00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,583
I know it's hard, Mary.
267
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:02,086
No, it's not hard, Dick.
It's just not happening.
268
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,855
What?
269
00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:06,157
Well, what I've learned
from this book
270
00:12:06,225 --> 00:12:09,761
is that "On the ferris wheel
of life,
271
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:13,565
I am the carny
holding the throttle."
272
00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:17,501
I choose not
to break up with you.
273
00:12:17,571 --> 00:12:20,471
Really?
Can you do that?
274
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,140
Yeah. Yeah.
275
00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:23,674
I think
you have a tendency
276
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,977
to underestimate
the--the sickness
277
00:12:26,046 --> 00:12:27,812
of the co-dependent
relationship.
278
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:32,016
And we're in one, mister,
and you're not going anywhere.
279
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,852
In that case, I need to,
uh, uh...
280
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:37,054
"step off
the desperation treadmill
281
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:39,424
"and frolic through
the forest of solitude
282
00:12:39,493 --> 00:12:42,026
with my self elf."
283
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,829
Self elf?
What the hell is that?
284
00:12:44,898 --> 00:12:46,597
For your information,
285
00:12:46,665 --> 00:12:49,000
it is the sprightly
inner happiness
286
00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:50,768
that you achieve
when you spend time
287
00:12:50,836 --> 00:12:52,270
with your loving
and supportive self,
288
00:12:52,338 --> 00:12:54,272
but you would know that
if you had read the book.
289
00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,841
I'm at the helm.
I'm at the helm.
290
00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:58,376
Calm, calm, happy, happy.
291
00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,044
I'm at the helm.
I'm at the helm.
292
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:02,146
Calm, calm! Happy, happy!
293
00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:03,347
I'm at the helm!
294
00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:09,520
Permission to speak
295
00:13:09,589 --> 00:13:10,922
with the assistant
pledge master
296
00:13:10,990 --> 00:13:13,024
and put this
thing down.
297
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,391
Denied and denied.
298
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,160
Come on, Sally!
299
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:22,499
That is highly unseemly.
What the hell are you doing?
300
00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:23,568
You're supposed to be
helping me out.
301
00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:24,969
That is what
I'm doing.
302
00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,370
I'm helping you
build character.
303
00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:28,372
I just want you to help me
get into this frat.
304
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:29,606
And you will.
I will?
305
00:13:29,675 --> 00:13:31,575
Oh, yeah. If you get
through Hell Week.
306
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:32,576
If I get through?
307
00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:33,978
Listen to me.
308
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:35,580
I took an oath
here, okay?
309
00:13:35,649 --> 00:13:38,383
I must uphold
this fraternity's
310
00:13:38,451 --> 00:13:40,350
hallowed traditions.
311
00:13:40,419 --> 00:13:42,253
I think you're just
on a power trip.
312
00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,089
[scoffs]
313
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:46,758
That's a bit
disrespectful, plebe.
314
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:48,159
Well, guess what.
315
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:49,793
I'm not afraid of you.
316
00:13:49,862 --> 00:13:52,864
Maybe not, but I know
what you are afraid of.
317
00:13:52,932 --> 00:13:54,331
Me.
318
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,903
Maybe so, but anything
you put me through
only makes me stronger.
319
00:13:58,972 --> 00:14:01,339
Okay, so you're supporting
my initial argument.
320
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:02,340
Then I recant.
321
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:03,607
If you recant,
then you quit.
322
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:04,675
Then I quit.
323
00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:06,610
You are such
a coward.
324
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,378
You never deserved to be
in this fraternity.
325
00:14:08,447 --> 00:14:09,380
Oh, really?
326
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:10,815
Hit me with
everything you got.
327
00:14:10,883 --> 00:14:11,949
20 pushups now!
328
00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:13,051
How 'bout 10?
329
00:14:13,119 --> 00:14:15,419
I'd like to see
you try.
330
00:14:23,062 --> 00:14:25,696
Jeez, aren't
you done yet?
331
00:14:25,765 --> 00:14:28,933
Madam, these things
take time.
332
00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:31,068
Did your reputation
as a gin-soaked
333
00:14:31,137 --> 00:14:34,005
good-time girl
happen overnight?
334
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:37,475
No, it happened
over several nights.
335
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:41,278
But it really stuck
after that convention.
336
00:14:41,348 --> 00:14:44,615
Look, I don't need
you nagging me, okay,
337
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:48,319
when this has been
mocking me day and night.
338
00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:51,456
Stop it! Shut up!
339
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:53,458
You shut up!
340
00:14:53,526 --> 00:14:55,926
What's that? I didn't
think I heard you.
341
00:14:55,995 --> 00:14:58,195
[grunting]
342
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:03,300
Whoa! It's finished.
343
00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:07,137
That's good.
344
00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:09,907
So, you gonna paint
the garage next?
345
00:15:09,976 --> 00:15:11,375
Impossible.
346
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:14,078
I've got nothing
left to give.
347
00:15:21,620 --> 00:15:23,454
[clears throat]
348
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:25,956
No, no.
Just the one.
349
00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,197
Ahh.
350
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:36,267
Hey, good-looking.
351
00:15:36,335 --> 00:15:37,534
Having a good time?
352
00:15:37,603 --> 00:15:39,737
Oh, of course.
353
00:15:41,474 --> 00:15:43,307
Quite a difference, eh?
354
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:44,475
Now that you've
eliminated
355
00:15:44,543 --> 00:15:46,244
all the problem
people in your life,
356
00:15:46,312 --> 00:15:47,979
only the happy
elite remains:
357
00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:50,081
you and me.
358
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:52,550
I guess.
359
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:55,486
Is something
wrong, Dick?
360
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,621
Wrong? What could
be wrong?
361
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,623
No one's
contradicting me.
362
00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:01,625
No one's telling me
to lower my voice.
363
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,494
No one's told me
not to lick
364
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,430
the salt and pepper
shakers.
365
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:08,399
I'm calm
and-and-and...
366
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:09,666
I'm happy.
367
00:16:09,735 --> 00:16:12,236
It's boring,
isn't it.
368
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,405
Well, as a matter
of fact, it is.
369
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:15,672
You know why?
370
00:16:15,741 --> 00:16:18,809
Because there's no
conflict here, Dick,
371
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:20,378
and I think
you need that.
372
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:21,712
That's not true.
373
00:16:21,781 --> 00:16:22,947
Are you so sure?
374
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:24,948
Well, maybe a little.
375
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,617
You know what?
376
00:16:26,685 --> 00:16:28,952
You're not having
a good time here,
377
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:30,854
and frankly,
neither am I.
378
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,357
You know who's
fault that is?
379
00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:34,224
Yours?
380
00:16:34,293 --> 00:16:35,659
No.
381
00:16:35,728 --> 00:16:37,662
It's the book's fault.
382
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:40,664
Oh, my God,
you're right!
383
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,266
I should have
listened to you
384
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:43,600
and not that
stupid book.
385
00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,836
I almost threw
away Mary.
386
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:48,538
Yeah, and she's the only
good thing you've got going.
387
00:16:48,607 --> 00:16:49,840
Yeah.
388
00:16:49,908 --> 00:16:52,143
Yeah, never a dull
moment with Mary.
389
00:16:52,211 --> 00:16:54,945
We better get
over there.
390
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,514
Yeah, I'm with you.
391
00:16:56,582 --> 00:16:58,215
Let's get out of here.
392
00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:00,518
Oh, by the way,
393
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:01,819
about the check...
394
00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:04,021
I know, I know.
I'll get it.
395
00:17:04,089 --> 00:17:05,022
You go.
396
00:17:05,091 --> 00:17:06,690
Oh, thanks, Dick.
397
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:08,359
You're the greatest!
398
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:11,228
[chuckling]
No...
399
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:12,930
Check please!
400
00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:18,902
This is good.
401
00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:21,038
We just have to get
through this last test
402
00:17:21,107 --> 00:17:22,473
and we've made it.
403
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,308
She knows how
to break me.
404
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,442
She'll break me.
405
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:26,811
Tommy, relax, man.
406
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,646
You've taken everything
she's thrown at you.
407
00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:30,114
You're right,
I have.
408
00:17:30,182 --> 00:17:31,482
I'm a mountain.
409
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:34,151
I am a mountain!
410
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,886
Stand up, plebes!
411
00:17:37,257 --> 00:17:39,090
Hi, ladies.
412
00:17:39,158 --> 00:17:43,528
Boy, are you in
for a treat today!
413
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:47,865
I have three tasty
popovers right here.
414
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:50,567
Ladies like popovers,
don't they, ladies.
415
00:17:50,636 --> 00:17:51,636
Eh?
416
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:53,838
Okay, hold out
your hands.
417
00:17:53,907 --> 00:17:56,707
One is cherry.
418
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:58,509
Huh?
419
00:17:58,577 --> 00:18:02,880
One is apricot.
420
00:18:02,948 --> 00:18:07,017
And one may
or may not be spider.
421
00:18:07,087 --> 00:18:08,419
[gasps]
422
00:18:08,487 --> 00:18:10,421
I happen to know
that one of you
423
00:18:10,490 --> 00:18:13,524
is pathologically
afraid of spiders.
424
00:18:13,592 --> 00:18:16,193
Don't worry, Tommy.
It's just a psych-out.
425
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,962
No one would actually
put a poisonous spider
in a popover.
426
00:18:19,031 --> 00:18:21,064
Poisonous?
Did she say poisonous?
427
00:18:21,133 --> 00:18:26,070
Ladies, ahem,
taketh of the popover.
428
00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:32,210
Mmm, apricot.
429
00:18:32,278 --> 00:18:33,344
Ugh!
430
00:18:33,413 --> 00:18:34,545
Spider?
431
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:37,214
No, cherry.
I hate cherry.
432
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:40,785
Congratulations, men.
That's fantastic.
433
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,720
You've joined
the fraternity!
434
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:43,788
Whoo!
435
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,623
Sadly...
436
00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:47,325
everyone except Tommy.
437
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:50,294
Tommy, bite the popover
438
00:18:50,362 --> 00:18:52,897
and join the covenant
of your brethren.
439
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,598
Yeah, come on, Tommy.
Do it!
440
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:55,599
You can do it!
441
00:18:56,669 --> 00:18:58,335
I can't do it.
442
00:18:58,404 --> 00:18:59,770
[Man]
Bite it.
443
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:01,439
[Men]
Bite it. Bite it.
444
00:19:01,507 --> 00:19:02,806
Bite it. Bite it.
445
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:04,308
Bite it. Bite it.
446
00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:05,676
Bite it. Bite it.
447
00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:07,878
Wait, guys.
Let me explain.
448
00:19:07,946 --> 00:19:09,580
Sally is my aunt,
449
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:12,082
and I wanted to get
into this frat so badly
450
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,585
that I did what any
of you would have done.
451
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:15,886
I asked my aunt
for help,
452
00:19:15,955 --> 00:19:17,855
but now she's gone
mad with power,
453
00:19:17,924 --> 00:19:20,324
and I think we need
to kick her out, right?
454
00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:23,427
Brothers, unite!
455
00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:27,098
Get the weenie.
456
00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:43,080
Mary! Wake up!
Aah! What? What?
457
00:19:43,148 --> 00:19:44,748
I was sleeping!
458
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:47,084
Hence, the demand.
I'm here for a fight!
459
00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:49,387
Is this from the book?
460
00:19:49,455 --> 00:19:50,988
[growls]
Forget the book!
461
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:52,723
The book just wants
to make you happy.
462
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:54,258
And...you don't wanna
be happy?
463
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:56,260
No, not all the time.
It's no fun!
464
00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,829
I need conflict.
It makes me feel.
465
00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:00,798
It makes me learn!
So come on.
466
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,099
Bring it!
467
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,101
No, I don't wanna
do that. I'm happy.
468
00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:07,537
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
469
00:20:07,606 --> 00:20:10,407
No! You're not!
Yes, I am!
470
00:20:10,476 --> 00:20:14,712
This is the face of
peace and tranquility.
Perma-happy Mary.
471
00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:19,684
God, you're sexy
when you're happy.
472
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:22,186
Kiss me.
[both moaning]
473
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:29,960
So Tommy is really bummed
he didn't get into that
fraternity.
474
00:20:30,028 --> 00:20:32,463
Good. Let him feel
miserable now.
475
00:20:32,531 --> 00:20:34,865
That way, he'll appreciate
how good he feels
476
00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:36,066
when he finally
does get in.
477
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:39,436
Ah, not gonna happen.
I rewrote the bylaws.
478
00:20:39,505 --> 00:20:44,174
Ya know, it's weird.
If a human wants to be
rich, or thin, or happy,
479
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,277
they gotta read about
how to do it in a book.
480
00:20:46,346 --> 00:20:49,279
Yeah, but all the negative
crap seems to come easily.
481
00:20:49,348 --> 00:20:50,748
Mm, well.
482
00:20:50,816 --> 00:20:53,116
There's no book that tells
you how to be selfish,
483
00:20:53,185 --> 00:20:55,218
stupid, or obnoxious.
484
00:20:55,287 --> 00:20:57,053
Hey. Maybe you should
write one.
485
00:20:58,557 --> 00:21:00,924
Oh, I could, but
I'm too lazy.