1
00:00:01,285 --> 00:00:04,358
( theme music playing )

2
00:00:31,580 --> 00:00:33,917
Thank you, Patricia. That was lovely.

3
00:00:33,918 --> 00:00:35,521
Absolutely lovely.

4
00:00:35,522 --> 00:00:38,927
Your turn to make breakfast is
always something of an adventure.

5
00:00:38,928 --> 00:00:42,401
- I thought I'd try something special.
- Well, indeed.

6
00:00:42,402 --> 00:00:46,275
A lesser woman would not even have
attempted "oeufs a la mayonnaise."

7
00:00:46,276 --> 00:00:49,682
Yes, and it almost worked, didn't it?

8
00:00:49,683 --> 00:00:51,686
Absolutely. Absolutely.

9
00:00:51,687 --> 00:00:55,461
Apart, of course, for
the absence of oeufs.

10
00:00:55,462 --> 00:00:57,632
- I broke them all.
- And mayonnaise.

11
00:00:57,633 --> 00:00:59,736
It curdled.

12
00:00:59,737 --> 00:01:02,341
But all in all the most
delicious plate of "a la"

13
00:01:02,342 --> 00:01:04,479
I've ever tasted.

14
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:06,717
Now then, since we have
a few moments to spare

15
00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:08,621
Let's have another bash at my lines.

16
00:01:08,622 --> 00:01:10,558
All right, but we'll have to hurry.

17
00:01:10,559 --> 00:01:13,196
- Take it from the top of page 34.
- Yes.

18
00:01:16,638 --> 00:01:18,875
Avast, ye lubbers,

19
00:01:18,876 --> 00:01:22,516
'tis pan and his lost
boys come to board me.

20
00:01:22,517 --> 00:01:24,653
Swish, swish.

21
00:01:24,654 --> 00:01:27,158
You shall not murder tinkerbell, hook.

22
00:01:27,159 --> 00:01:31,033
Think ye not? I'll
keelhaul ye, Peter Pan.

23
00:01:31,034 --> 00:01:34,039
Ha ha! Ha ha!

24
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:37,812
That's awfully good. Very scary.

25
00:01:37,813 --> 00:01:40,920
Well, I feel scary. This
will be my year, Patricia.

26
00:01:40,921 --> 00:01:43,825
At tonight's audition I
shall carry all before me.

27
00:01:43,826 --> 00:01:45,896
You ought to. You're obviously the best.

28
00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:49,335
- Oh, no, no.
- I'm afraid you'll end up playing the crocodile

29
00:01:49,336 --> 00:01:51,975
- That swallowed a clock as usual.
- Yes, that's true.

30
00:01:51,976 --> 00:01:55,147
Every year I've gone to
the "Peter Pan" auditions

31
00:01:55,148 --> 00:01:58,789
And buckled my swash
till my timbers shivered.

32
00:01:58,790 --> 00:02:00,491
And every year I've been presented

33
00:02:00,492 --> 00:02:03,030
With seven feet of green foam rubber

34
00:02:03,031 --> 00:02:06,638
And informed that my lines
are "tick" and "tock."

35
00:02:06,639 --> 00:02:09,242
Not this year, I can assure you.

36
00:02:09,243 --> 00:02:11,581
I have prepared fully.

37
00:02:11,582 --> 00:02:14,654
Swish, swish.

38
00:02:14,655 --> 00:02:17,292
The part of captain hook is mine.

39
00:02:17,293 --> 00:02:19,263
Well, I hope so.

40
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:22,603
It makes me furious to see
you passed over for lesser men.

41
00:02:22,604 --> 00:02:25,342
Last year I nearly
turned in my tomahawk.

42
00:02:25,343 --> 00:02:27,179
Now, you mustn't do that, Patricia.

43
00:02:27,180 --> 00:02:29,150
You make a wonderful red indian maid.

44
00:02:29,151 --> 00:02:31,989
Oh, I don't think so
- that silly little costume.

45
00:02:31,990 --> 00:02:35,663
- My thighs are too fat.
- Patricia, what an absurd thing to say.

46
00:02:35,664 --> 00:02:38,535
- Oh, you're just saying that to be nice.
- No I'm not.

47
00:02:38,536 --> 00:02:41,842
I'm sure any number of
indian maids have fat thighs.

48
00:02:51,863 --> 00:02:54,902
"Gasforth amateur drama society."

49
00:02:54,903 --> 00:02:56,504
What's all that then?

50
00:02:56,505 --> 00:02:59,443
Fannying about in tights?

51
00:02:59,444 --> 00:03:01,582
No, Derek, we only fanny about in tights

52
00:03:01,583 --> 00:03:03,552
When we do shakespeare.

53
00:03:03,553 --> 00:03:05,656
This concerns the annual pantomime.

54
00:03:05,657 --> 00:03:08,462
Robust singers required for the chorus.

55
00:03:08,463 --> 00:03:11,335
- Interested?
- It sounds boring to me.

56
00:03:11,336 --> 00:03:13,672
I'd rather have a cup of
tea in front of the telly.

57
00:03:13,673 --> 00:03:15,243
Of course you would, Derek.

58
00:03:15,244 --> 00:03:17,614
That is because you have
the soul of an amoeba

59
00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:19,718
And the imagination of a pot noodle.

60
00:03:21,456 --> 00:03:24,494
You'd be bored watching
Olivier play Hamlet.

61
00:03:24,495 --> 00:03:27,467
Well, I don't like football,

62
00:03:27,468 --> 00:03:29,838
Especially foreign teams.

63
00:03:29,839 --> 00:03:31,876
Well, each to their own.

64
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,347
I'm sure you can't sing anyway.

65
00:03:34,348 --> 00:03:37,720
When I gave my karaoke
"careless whisper"

66
00:03:37,721 --> 00:03:41,528
On our last holiday, my wife wept.

67
00:03:43,734 --> 00:03:46,739
Derek, we require thespians, not yobs.

68
00:03:46,740 --> 00:03:49,979
You couldn't get a
small roll in a bakery,

69
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:54,421
Let alone justify a place
in a major am-dram panto.

70
00:03:54,422 --> 00:03:57,594
You just ain't got it, kid.

71
00:03:57,595 --> 00:04:01,235
Avast ye lubbers, ha-ha.

72
00:04:01,236 --> 00:04:03,640
- ( door closes )
- ( glass breaks )

73
00:04:15,531 --> 00:04:17,568
So, how did it go, dear?

74
00:04:19,173 --> 00:04:21,076
Treachery...

75
00:04:21,077 --> 00:04:23,780
Thy name is Gasforth am-dram soc.

76
00:04:23,781 --> 00:04:25,584
Who is going to play hook?

77
00:04:27,455 --> 00:04:30,160
"avast ye lubbers,

78
00:04:30,161 --> 00:04:33,033
'tis Peter Pan and his lost boys

79
00:04:33,034 --> 00:04:34,668
Come to board me."

80
00:04:34,669 --> 00:04:36,572
( laughs )

81
00:04:36,573 --> 00:04:39,245
You should have seen me, Kray.

82
00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:41,283
They were all there.

83
00:04:41,284 --> 00:04:44,322
The snooty, snotty,

84
00:04:44,323 --> 00:04:47,395
Toity, hoity, farty, arty,

85
00:04:47,396 --> 00:04:51,336
Decaffeinated,
fruit-flavored tea-bag,

86
00:04:51,337 --> 00:04:55,277
Semi-skimmed cream of Gasforth elite.

87
00:04:57,850 --> 00:05:00,681
Fowler was wearing legwarmers.

88
00:05:00,682 --> 00:05:02,780
( chuckles ) No?

89
00:05:02,781 --> 00:05:05,079
The bloke stood there
looking like a bird

90
00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:07,577
At an aerobics class,

91
00:05:07,578 --> 00:05:11,476
Fannying on about internal motivation.

92
00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:12,975
I said, "rubbish, mate.

93
00:05:12,976 --> 00:05:14,873
All you have to do is shout."

94
00:05:16,774 --> 00:05:18,806
And I got the part.

95
00:05:18,807 --> 00:05:21,271
The director said I was clearly

96
00:05:21,272 --> 00:05:23,304
A suppressed thespian.

97
00:05:23,305 --> 00:05:26,568
Blimey. I'd have
smacked him in the mouth.

98
00:05:29,168 --> 00:05:31,533
Oh, well, I mustn't grumble.

99
00:05:31,534 --> 00:05:33,864
I am to be Grim's understudy.

100
00:05:33,865 --> 00:05:36,231
And I've been entrusted
with the important,

101
00:05:36,232 --> 00:05:40,295
Indeed pivotal role of the crocodile-

102
00:05:40,296 --> 00:05:42,927
In many ways a more challenging part.

103
00:05:48,358 --> 00:05:51,588
- Patricia, I've got it!
- ( screams )

104
00:05:51,589 --> 00:05:55,288
I'll try an accent
- a glaswegian perhaps.

105
00:05:55,289 --> 00:05:58,552
Tack towk, tack towk,

106
00:05:58,553 --> 00:06:01,551
Tack towk, tack towk,

107
00:06:01,552 --> 00:06:03,849
Jimmy.

108
00:06:06,150 --> 00:06:08,480
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

109
00:06:15,212 --> 00:06:17,476
Christmas eve, ladies and gentlemen,

110
00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:20,009
Christmas eve.

111
00:06:20,010 --> 00:06:22,673
Now I realize, of course,
that the yuletide shift

112
00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:25,239
Denies those involved
certain traditional treats.

113
00:06:26,606 --> 00:06:29,404
Not for us the last-minute
present wrapping,

114
00:06:29,405 --> 00:06:31,370
Carols round the tree,

115
00:06:31,371 --> 00:06:33,269
Grandpa smoking his pipe

116
00:06:33,270 --> 00:06:35,268
Enjoying a good rough shag.

117
00:06:37,101 --> 00:06:39,165
Constable Habib...

118
00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:41,864
- Have I said something
amusing? - No, sir.

119
00:06:41,865 --> 00:06:45,429
Perhaps you find all this
talk of christmas unsettling.

120
00:06:45,430 --> 00:06:49,294
I realize of course that this
station is not a monoculture

121
00:06:49,295 --> 00:06:51,692
And that you do not
celebrate the season.

122
00:06:51,693 --> 00:06:54,591
Oh, no sir. I think people
of any culture and religion

123
00:06:54,592 --> 00:06:56,790
Can respect the true
meaning of Christmas.

124
00:06:56,791 --> 00:07:00,256
Ah yes, peace on earth
and good will to all men.

125
00:07:00,257 --> 00:07:02,420
Well, yeah, that. And getting rat-faced

126
00:07:02,421 --> 00:07:05,019
And ending up with your
head down the toilet.

127
00:07:05,020 --> 00:07:08,085
Yes, in our case all that must wait.

128
00:07:08,086 --> 00:07:10,950
Not for us the simple
pleasures of Christmas-

129
00:07:10,951 --> 00:07:13,182
Sherry, chestnuts,

130
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:15,281
Father bringing home a big fat bird

131
00:07:15,282 --> 00:07:18,612
And telling mom to stuff it.

132
00:07:18,613 --> 00:07:22,245
Sounds like a right old
rave up at your house.

133
00:07:24,078 --> 00:07:27,508
Now I have, as usual,
purchased a christmas tree

134
00:07:27,509 --> 00:07:29,640
Which will be set up
in the reception area.

135
00:07:31,840 --> 00:07:35,504
You are, of course, all welcome to
hang your own personal balls on it.

136
00:07:38,470 --> 00:07:40,568
Constable Habib, are you ill?

137
00:07:46,234 --> 00:07:48,165
File please, Kevin.

138
00:07:52,463 --> 00:07:54,262
Get off!

139
00:07:57,494 --> 00:08:01,059
Oh, I love Christmas.

140
00:08:01,060 --> 00:08:04,324
I can never sleep so I have to
get up, but then I get so excited

141
00:08:04,325 --> 00:08:07,322
I have a lie down again,
which is so silly, isn't it?

142
00:08:07,323 --> 00:08:09,887
It's so exciting.

143
00:08:09,888 --> 00:08:12,286
I have been thinking all year

144
00:08:12,287 --> 00:08:15,284
About giving you one
and now I'm going to.

145
00:08:15,285 --> 00:08:17,051
A present. A present, I mean.

146
00:08:17,052 --> 00:08:19,482
I've got some brilliant
presents for people.

147
00:08:19,483 --> 00:08:22,181
But, Maggie, I've got
the best one for you.

148
00:08:22,182 --> 00:08:24,479
Oh, Kevin, that's really sweet of you,

149
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:26,879
But I wish you hadn't. I
haven't got you anything.

150
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:29,177
Maggie, I didn't give you a present

151
00:08:29,178 --> 00:08:30,977
Because I wanted one back.

152
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:33,375
I never even thought about
you getting one for me.

153
00:08:33,376 --> 00:08:34,808
That's all right then.

154
00:08:36,674 --> 00:08:38,906
( sobbing )

155
00:08:42,471 --> 00:08:45,469
And I got a special present
for inspector Fowler.

156
00:08:45,470 --> 00:08:47,635
I wanted to get him
something really special

157
00:08:47,636 --> 00:08:49,467
Just to show how much I appreciate him.

158
00:08:49,468 --> 00:08:52,866
- And what did you get him then?
- Puncture repair kit.

159
00:08:52,867 --> 00:08:55,664
And I bought Maggie some "lingery."

160
00:08:57,364 --> 00:08:59,829
- What's "lingery"?
- Posh pants.

161
00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:03,327
Like - like your undies,
only more expensive.

162
00:09:03,328 --> 00:09:06,326
Thermals, you mean.

163
00:09:06,327 --> 00:09:08,624
That's an excellent present.

164
00:09:08,625 --> 00:09:12,389
Yes, it can get very nippy up
your khyber these long nights.

165
00:09:12,390 --> 00:09:15,487
Frank, he's talking about lingerie,

166
00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:18,253
Which is french for
"fwoor"-- ( whistles )

167
00:09:20,519 --> 00:09:23,851
Yes, that's right. Got
her some silky knickers.

168
00:09:23,852 --> 00:09:26,849
- Split crotch? - I hope not.
I only bought them this morning.

169
00:09:29,282 --> 00:09:31,280
Dead sexy, knickers and a bra.

170
00:09:31,281 --> 00:09:36,377
I was that embarrassed buying
them. I had to say they were for me.

171
00:09:36,378 --> 00:09:40,509
There's only one set of underwear
you want to give her, mate, yours.

172
00:09:40,510 --> 00:09:44,673
Hitch up your boxers and say, "there's
the wrapping, doll. The present's inside."

173
00:09:44,674 --> 00:09:46,705
( laughing )

174
00:09:53,636 --> 00:09:56,101
I think I'm going to be sick.

175
00:09:56,102 --> 00:09:58,933
Oh, it's all right, son.

176
00:09:58,934 --> 00:10:02,697
Fellas that talk about
it most do it least.

177
00:10:02,698 --> 00:10:04,297
I know.

178
00:10:04,298 --> 00:10:07,295
I talk about it all the time,

179
00:10:07,296 --> 00:10:10,494
And I haven't had any since
the days of Harold Wilson.

180
00:10:12,460 --> 00:10:14,825
I never knew you had a gay relationship.

181
00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:17,857
What are you talking about?

182
00:10:17,858 --> 00:10:20,389
This bloke Harold Wilson
you were having it with.

183
00:10:20,390 --> 00:10:23,654
Kevin, he was the prime minister.

184
00:10:28,852 --> 00:10:31,251
Blimey! And you an ordinary copper.

185
00:10:31,252 --> 00:10:33,282
You did do well.

186
00:10:39,814 --> 00:10:42,145
It's always a very
special moment, I think,

187
00:10:42,146 --> 00:10:45,576
When one installs the
station christmas tree.

188
00:10:45,577 --> 00:10:47,408
It hasn't got any foliage, sir.

189
00:10:47,409 --> 00:10:49,775
It looks like it's been napalmed.

190
00:10:49,776 --> 00:10:51,973
It did have foliage

191
00:10:51,974 --> 00:10:54,038
Before I attempted to extract it

192
00:10:54,039 --> 00:10:56,304
From the christmas market scrummage.

193
00:10:56,305 --> 00:10:58,637
People run mad at this time of year.

194
00:10:58,638 --> 00:11:00,602
Mind, you can understand it.

195
00:11:00,603 --> 00:11:02,700
Any community which has been forced

196
00:11:02,701 --> 00:11:05,566
To listen to "simply having
a wonderful christmas time"

197
00:11:05,567 --> 00:11:08,931
On every occasion that they've
entered a shop since mid-October

198
00:11:08,932 --> 00:11:11,496
Is bound to be a bit restive.

199
00:11:12,696 --> 00:11:15,828
- ( clears throat )
- Ah, sergeant, darling.

200
00:11:15,829 --> 00:11:19,093
- Did you have a successful time in town?
- Yes I did.

201
00:11:19,094 --> 00:11:21,625
I decided I should have
my hair done for christmas.

202
00:11:21,626 --> 00:11:23,457
Yes, perhaps you should.

203
00:11:25,924 --> 00:11:28,288
It is looking a bit of a mess.

204
00:11:29,588 --> 00:11:33,019
Raymond, I've been. This cost £45.

205
00:11:33,020 --> 00:11:35,289
£45?!

206
00:11:35,290 --> 00:11:38,228
They've hardly taken
anything off at all.

207
00:11:38,229 --> 00:11:40,766
For £45, you should be bald.

208
00:11:43,905 --> 00:11:45,940
Come here, come here, come here.

209
00:11:45,941 --> 00:11:49,112
Here's your present. Now I
hope you don't take offense.

210
00:11:49,113 --> 00:11:52,251
I've giving this to you because
I respect you as a feminist.

211
00:11:52,252 --> 00:11:54,888
And I don't want you to
think it's for my benefit...

212
00:11:59,263 --> 00:12:01,265
Although that would be quite nice.

213
00:12:03,403 --> 00:12:07,041
Perhaps if we turn it round a bit, sir?

214
00:12:07,042 --> 00:12:09,344
You know, sometimes, they
do have a better side.

215
00:12:11,048 --> 00:12:14,219
My mom always gets a proper one
- made out of tinsel.

216
00:12:17,192 --> 00:12:20,395
May I have a word,
Raymond? Very important.

217
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:23,467
About the panto,

218
00:12:23,468 --> 00:12:25,738
Now you can take a bit of gentle

219
00:12:25,739 --> 00:12:27,908
Constructive criticism, can't you?

220
00:12:27,909 --> 00:12:30,913
- Of course.
- Basically, your crocodile's crap.

221
00:12:32,082 --> 00:12:34,919
You're acting more like an enormous

222
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,158
Green dog doo than a croc.

223
00:12:38,159 --> 00:12:40,495
And I suggest you get it sorted.

224
00:12:40,496 --> 00:12:43,066
Inspector Grim, don't
you have things to do?

225
00:12:43,067 --> 00:12:44,768
Oh god, you're right.

226
00:12:44,769 --> 00:12:47,673
I haven't done my vocal exercises yet.

227
00:12:47,674 --> 00:12:49,943
Alpha, alpha, bravo.

228
00:12:49,944 --> 00:12:51,881
Wilco, foxtrot, delta.

229
00:12:51,882 --> 00:12:54,317
Tango, tango,

230
00:12:54,318 --> 00:12:56,387
Diet lilt and a fanta.

231
00:12:58,692 --> 00:13:00,928
Kray, with me.

232
00:13:00,929 --> 00:13:03,232
Important bit of business to discuss.

233
00:13:03,233 --> 00:13:04,902
Oh yeah, there is, sir, actually.

234
00:13:04,903 --> 00:13:07,171
There's a lot of naughtiness
going on out there.

235
00:13:07,172 --> 00:13:10,143
- A lot of burglaries.
- I've put this brilliant new bit in,

236
00:13:10,144 --> 00:13:12,747
Where I shove my sword
back into my belt.

237
00:13:12,748 --> 00:13:15,684
But I miss and I stab my trousers

238
00:13:15,685 --> 00:13:18,256
And I say to the kiddies, "don't worry,

239
00:13:18,257 --> 00:13:20,326
It was only a little scratch."

240
00:13:20,327 --> 00:13:23,464
( laughs ) No
- "only a little prick."

241
00:13:23,465 --> 00:13:26,669
Only a little prick. Hilarious, eh?

242
00:13:26,670 --> 00:13:29,408
There won't be dry
seat left in the house.

243
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,677
- Oi, sir?
- What?

244
00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:34,449
There's a lot of stuff being
hoiked out of backyard gardens.

245
00:13:34,450 --> 00:13:35,918
Eh?

246
00:13:35,919 --> 00:13:39,090
It's all happening while the
families are at the front door,

247
00:13:39,091 --> 00:13:41,526
- Listening to carol singers.
- Carol singers?!

248
00:13:41,527 --> 00:13:43,530
It's obvious what's going on.

249
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:46,568
- Division want to know what
you're doing about it. - Division?!

250
00:13:46,569 --> 00:13:49,706
You moron, Kray, why
didn't you say something?

251
00:13:49,707 --> 00:13:51,509
Fannying on about pantoes.

252
00:13:51,510 --> 00:13:53,613
Get the car. Let's go!

253
00:13:54,850 --> 00:13:56,918
You seem to forget, Kray,

254
00:13:56,919 --> 00:13:58,788
It's my ass on the line.

255
00:13:58,789 --> 00:14:01,258
So you'd better pull your finger out.

256
00:14:02,795 --> 00:14:06,166
Now get the script, you
can test me in the car.

257
00:14:11,477 --> 00:14:12,911
Yes, Goody, what is it?

258
00:14:12,912 --> 00:14:15,415
Well, sir,

259
00:14:15,416 --> 00:14:17,619
It's just that...

260
00:14:17,620 --> 00:14:19,555
I've bought you a little present, sir.

261
00:14:19,556 --> 00:14:21,658
That's very kind of you, Goody.

262
00:14:21,659 --> 00:14:24,764
- But I don't approve- - no, no,
it's hardly anything at all, sir.

263
00:14:24,765 --> 00:14:26,800
Just something that I know you'd like.

264
00:14:26,801 --> 00:14:28,736
Something that's really you.

265
00:14:28,737 --> 00:14:30,138
Oh.

266
00:14:30,139 --> 00:14:32,309
Well, in that case, I'm
sure there's no harm.

267
00:14:37,051 --> 00:14:40,489
I'm worried about Kevin,
Pat. I opened his present.

268
00:14:40,490 --> 00:14:43,795
He dropped loads of hints about
it doing something for him.

269
00:14:43,796 --> 00:14:45,898
Come on, Maggie, it's hardly a surprise.

270
00:14:45,899 --> 00:14:48,335
Goody's desperate for you
to do anything with him.

271
00:14:48,336 --> 00:14:51,641
Yeah, but I think he
wants me to fix his bike.

272
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:09,068
That's just the sort of
present Raymond would get me.

273
00:15:09,069 --> 00:15:11,205
It would be so nice if he got me

274
00:15:11,206 --> 00:15:13,509
Something feminine
and sexy. But he won't.

275
00:15:13,510 --> 00:15:16,547
He'll have been down
the D.I.Y. shop as usual

276
00:15:16,548 --> 00:15:19,418
Asking them to gift wrap
a sack of tiling grout.

277
00:15:22,792 --> 00:15:24,393
Raymond, I-

278
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:33,608
( gasps ) Raymond.

279
00:15:39,552 --> 00:15:41,453
Sit down, please.

280
00:15:42,924 --> 00:15:45,694
Now then, Goody... ( clearing throat )

281
00:15:48,298 --> 00:15:50,068
I've asked you to come and see me

282
00:15:50,069 --> 00:15:52,872
Because there is something
which you and I must discuss.

283
00:15:52,873 --> 00:15:55,410
And I want the truth.

284
00:15:55,411 --> 00:15:57,914
I do not want you to try to deceive me

285
00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,918
Out of shame or embarrassment.

286
00:15:59,919 --> 00:16:03,023
I can assure you that
I am not embarrassed.

287
00:16:08,899 --> 00:16:11,235
I'm not embarrassed at all.

288
00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:14,407
Right, good, so-

289
00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:17,078
So, here we go.

290
00:16:17,079 --> 00:16:20,717
Do you
- ( clears throat )

291
00:16:22,388 --> 00:16:24,256
Do you find me attractive?

292
00:16:29,566 --> 00:16:31,802
Well, sir...

293
00:16:31,803 --> 00:16:33,772
I don't know.

294
00:16:33,773 --> 00:16:36,242
You're always very clean,
I think that's nice.

295
00:16:36,243 --> 00:16:38,780
Because if you harbor

296
00:16:38,781 --> 00:16:41,183
Some secret desire...

297
00:16:41,184 --> 00:16:45,023
If indeed you do...

298
00:16:46,126 --> 00:16:47,894
Crave me-

299
00:16:48,897 --> 00:16:50,532
Physically-

300
00:16:51,802 --> 00:16:54,071
Then we must, of course,
have it out in the open.

301
00:16:55,908 --> 00:16:58,812
Are you propositioning me, sir?

302
00:16:58,813 --> 00:17:01,884
Don't be disgusting, you foul boy.

303
00:17:01,885 --> 00:17:05,523
- You said you wanted us to have
it out in the open. - A talk! A talk!

304
00:17:05,524 --> 00:17:07,492
A talk about the fact that clearly

305
00:17:07,493 --> 00:17:10,064
I've become some kind
of fantasy figure to you.

306
00:17:10,065 --> 00:17:13,235
The fact that the idea
of my near-naked body

307
00:17:13,236 --> 00:17:16,507
Decked out in flimsy
female attire turns you on.

308
00:17:16,508 --> 00:17:19,846
I don't! I don't! I don't think
you'd look nice naked at all.

309
00:17:21,416 --> 00:17:23,953
It won't help you to add
insult to injury, laddie.

310
00:17:23,954 --> 00:17:26,456
No, I mean I don't want to see you

311
00:17:26,457 --> 00:17:28,727
Decked out in flimsy female attire, sir.

312
00:17:28,728 --> 00:17:31,631
Then what the hell is this
christmas present all about then?

313
00:17:31,632 --> 00:17:34,436
Some disgusting,
perverted attempt at humor?

314
00:17:34,437 --> 00:17:37,575
No, no, it's just so
you can mend punctures.

315
00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,651
You want me to fix my bicycle

316
00:17:43,652 --> 00:17:45,888
Wearing women's underwear?

317
00:17:45,889 --> 00:17:49,627
Oh my god!

318
00:17:49,628 --> 00:17:51,564
I've given you the wrong present, sir.

319
00:17:51,565 --> 00:17:54,035
I bought you a puncture repair kit.

320
00:17:54,036 --> 00:17:56,038
The underwear was for constable Habib.

321
00:17:59,177 --> 00:18:02,414
Well - well, that's very
nearly as bad,

322
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,184
You foul boy.

323
00:18:04,185 --> 00:18:07,891
Do you really believe that women
appreciate rubbish like this?

324
00:18:07,892 --> 00:18:11,096
To be treated like some
kind of saucy sex object?

325
00:18:11,097 --> 00:18:13,099
Well why not? I would.

326
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:14,802
Take these foul things and get out!

327
00:18:18,642 --> 00:18:20,310
Oh.

328
00:18:26,354 --> 00:18:28,992
Really, sergeant
Dawkins, we are on duty.

329
00:18:28,993 --> 00:18:31,762
Kindly control your wild animal lust.

330
00:18:31,763 --> 00:18:35,101
No, I will not. It's
Christmas and I don't care.

331
00:18:35,102 --> 00:18:37,205
I saw what you got me, peachy.

332
00:18:37,206 --> 00:18:39,675
- What I got you?
- The lingerie.

333
00:18:39,676 --> 00:18:42,413
It's the first sexy
romantic thing you've done

334
00:18:42,414 --> 00:18:45,718
Since you bought me that box of
milk tray when I had shingles.

335
00:18:45,719 --> 00:18:48,790
Ooh, I've always wanted
some saucy undies.

336
00:18:48,791 --> 00:18:50,860
Real proper silky ones.

337
00:18:50,861 --> 00:18:52,896
God, it turns me on!

338
00:18:52,897 --> 00:18:54,665
God, it makes me hornier

339
00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:56,903
Than rudolph's antlers!

340
00:18:56,904 --> 00:18:58,639
Oh.

341
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:01,277
You're my little christmas
cracker, and I love you.

342
00:19:01,278 --> 00:19:04,114
Yes, yes.

343
00:19:04,115 --> 00:19:07,855
On the other hand, perhaps
underwear is a silly present.

344
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:10,424
Perhaps you'd prefer
something more functional.

345
00:19:10,425 --> 00:19:12,829
Why, you were saying only the other day

346
00:19:12,830 --> 00:19:15,266
How your toenail clippers were blunt.

347
00:19:15,267 --> 00:19:17,837
Raymond, I want my knickers.

348
00:19:17,838 --> 00:19:20,876
And if they're not in my
stocking tomorrow morning,

349
00:19:20,877 --> 00:19:23,312
There'll be holly in your pajamas.

350
00:19:23,313 --> 00:19:25,315
But they will be, I know.

351
00:19:25,316 --> 00:19:27,953
After all, christmas is for lovers.

352
00:19:34,464 --> 00:19:38,402
¶ we shall overcome... ¶

353
00:19:38,403 --> 00:19:41,174
What the hell is all this noise about?

354
00:19:41,175 --> 00:19:43,846
It's a caravan of new-age
travelers, Raymond.

355
00:19:43,847 --> 00:19:46,717
They've been causing an obstruction.

356
00:19:46,718 --> 00:19:49,554
I'm not putting up with this all night!

357
00:19:49,555 --> 00:19:52,492
You are all officially warned!

358
00:19:52,493 --> 00:19:55,364
Now happy christmas and get out!

359
00:19:55,365 --> 00:19:59,638
¶ we shall overcome ¶

360
00:19:59,639 --> 00:20:02,877
¶ someday. ¶

361
00:20:04,747 --> 00:20:06,683
All power and passion, man.

362
00:20:06,684 --> 00:20:09,721
You are babylon, but
I will speak to you.

363
00:20:09,722 --> 00:20:12,224
Your lot impounded our van, man.

364
00:20:12,225 --> 00:20:14,228
My belly is swollen

365
00:20:14,229 --> 00:20:16,598
With the fruit of love's seed.

366
00:20:17,902 --> 00:20:20,337
And we are homeless.

367
00:20:20,338 --> 00:20:22,875
We are a circle. There is no end.

368
00:20:22,876 --> 00:20:25,212
There is no beginning.
Everything is now.

369
00:20:25,213 --> 00:20:27,416
And we are here. And we're staying.

370
00:20:30,856 --> 00:20:34,060
Well, what in 12 types
of instant cake mix

371
00:20:34,061 --> 00:20:36,330
Are we supposed to do with these two?

372
00:20:36,331 --> 00:20:39,202
I mean this is all we need
on christmas eve, isn't it?

373
00:20:39,203 --> 00:20:42,006
A couple arrive from far away

374
00:20:42,007 --> 00:20:44,110
With nowhere to stay for the night,

375
00:20:44,111 --> 00:20:46,376
The woman heavily pregnant.

376
00:20:47,444 --> 00:20:50,144
I mean, did you ever
hear of such a thing?

377
00:20:51,410 --> 00:20:53,643
You're my scrummy little minced pie

378
00:20:53,644 --> 00:20:55,676
And I want to eat you all up.

379
00:20:57,278 --> 00:21:00,310
Constable Goody, do you recall
that earlier this evening

380
00:21:00,311 --> 00:21:02,045
You made me a gift of some lingerie?

381
00:21:02,046 --> 00:21:04,245
Yes sir. But I explained.
I never intended-

382
00:21:04,246 --> 00:21:07,345
Yes, yes, yes. The fact is
that I've changed my mind

383
00:21:07,346 --> 00:21:09,478
And I want it back.

384
00:21:12,479 --> 00:21:14,279
Oh, I see.

385
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:15,779
I do know what you mean.

386
00:21:15,780 --> 00:21:17,946
It is kind of nice, to
touch and everything.

387
00:21:17,947 --> 00:21:20,213
It's not for me, you disgusting boy!

388
00:21:20,214 --> 00:21:22,279
Just hand over your bra and panties.

389
00:21:23,881 --> 00:21:27,047
I can't, sir. I've given
them to constable Habib.

390
00:21:27,048 --> 00:21:29,780
I asked one of the girls
to leave it in her locker.

391
00:21:32,681 --> 00:21:36,048
Constable Habib, I have a
very strange favor to ask you.

392
00:21:36,049 --> 00:21:38,748
I want a quick rummage in your locker.

393
00:21:38,749 --> 00:21:41,581
- I'm sorry, sir?
- No, no, don't misunderstand me.

394
00:21:41,582 --> 00:21:44,481
It's just that I believe there
may be some underwear in there

395
00:21:44,482 --> 00:21:46,314
And I want to get hold of it.

396
00:21:46,315 --> 00:21:48,715
Oh, I see. Well, don't worry.

397
00:21:48,716 --> 00:21:52,315
I know a lot of men your age
often have these funny urges.

398
00:21:52,316 --> 00:21:55,116
- No, no- - no, I'm
not offended, sir.

399
00:21:55,117 --> 00:21:57,482
- I just think it's a
bit sad. - Look, Habib-

400
00:21:57,483 --> 00:22:00,183
- ( gasps ) - Dawkins:
Oh, you're not going to-

401
00:22:00,184 --> 00:22:01,950
Oh!

402
00:22:01,951 --> 00:22:04,983
All right, Habib, let's get
her into the interview room

403
00:22:04,984 --> 00:22:07,150
Then get the dettol
and sterilize the table.

404
00:22:07,151 --> 00:22:09,951
Hang on, Pat. This person
is a woman, an individual.

405
00:22:09,952 --> 00:22:12,351
She has to decide how she
wants to have her baby.

406
00:22:12,352 --> 00:22:14,184
It's all right, love. It's your body.

407
00:22:14,185 --> 00:22:16,351
You're in control. You
tell us what you want.

408
00:22:16,352 --> 00:22:18,284
I want to have it by candlelight...

409
00:22:18,285 --> 00:22:20,052
I think we can manage that.

410
00:22:20,053 --> 00:22:22,252
You see, Pat, it doesn't
hurt to give people

411
00:22:22,253 --> 00:22:23,718
Choice in their lives.

412
00:22:23,719 --> 00:22:25,885
...In a bath full of warm ewe's milk...

413
00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:27,786
At stonehenge.

414
00:22:27,787 --> 00:22:30,053
Let's get her on the table.

415
00:22:30,054 --> 00:22:31,619
- Goody.
- Yes?

416
00:22:31,620 --> 00:22:33,452
- Hot water, now.
- Yes.

417
00:22:37,954 --> 00:22:40,754
Men: ¶ away in a manger ¶

418
00:22:40,755 --> 00:22:43,054
¶ no crib for his bed ¶

419
00:22:43,055 --> 00:22:47,187
¶ the little lord jesus
lay down with his legs... ¶

420
00:22:48,821 --> 00:22:50,888
Thank you very much, it's lovely.

421
00:22:50,889 --> 00:22:53,821
- We ain't finished yet.
- No.

422
00:22:53,822 --> 00:22:56,022
¶ away in a manger ¶

423
00:22:56,023 --> 00:22:57,621
¶ no crib for his bed... ¶

424
00:22:58,722 --> 00:23:01,656
- Push!
- Life, magic,

425
00:23:01,657 --> 00:23:03,622
Bursting pods.

426
00:23:03,623 --> 00:23:05,656
Oh my god!

427
00:23:05,657 --> 00:23:07,488
Push!

428
00:23:07,489 --> 00:23:10,356
( moaning )

429
00:23:12,990 --> 00:23:15,289
Goody, did you get the hot water?

430
00:23:15,290 --> 00:23:17,090
Well, I was going to,

431
00:23:17,091 --> 00:23:20,323
But I thought we ought to offer
something more interesting.

432
00:23:20,324 --> 00:23:22,990
So I got her this carton
of ribena from my tuck box.

433
00:23:24,725 --> 00:23:27,824
Naughty, naughty, round the
back, sir, should we nick 'em?

434
00:23:27,825 --> 00:23:29,658
Have you seen the size of them?

435
00:23:29,659 --> 00:23:31,858
Let uniform get their noses broken.

436
00:23:31,859 --> 00:23:34,458
Request urgent support,

437
00:23:34,459 --> 00:23:36,158
Callahan crescent,

438
00:23:36,159 --> 00:23:38,026
Highly dangerous...

439
00:23:39,226 --> 00:23:41,192
Carol singers.

440
00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:45,626
I think drugs would be a good idea.

441
00:23:45,627 --> 00:23:48,726
No need, she'd doing it all naturally.

442
00:23:48,727 --> 00:23:51,826
That's what I'm saying. I think
maybe we ought to celebrate.

443
00:23:51,827 --> 00:23:53,860
Oh, yeah.

444
00:23:53,861 --> 00:23:57,794
¶ ...Merry gentlemen,
let nothing you dismay ¶

445
00:23:57,795 --> 00:24:00,827
¶ for jesus christ our savior ¶

446
00:24:00,828 --> 00:24:03,161
- ¶ was born upon this day ¶
- ( siren approaching )

447
00:24:03,162 --> 00:24:05,294
¶ to save us all from satan's power... ¶

448
00:24:07,663 --> 00:24:11,494
¶ oh tidings of comfort and joy
- ¶

449
00:24:16,664 --> 00:24:19,963
( sirens wail )

450
00:24:19,964 --> 00:24:21,929
That was a bit heavy-handed.

451
00:24:21,930 --> 00:24:23,863
It wasn't that bad.

452
00:24:26,730 --> 00:24:28,263
The doctor will be here soon.

453
00:24:28,264 --> 00:24:30,296
Ah, what are you going to call him?

454
00:24:30,297 --> 00:24:31,964
You choose.

455
00:24:31,965 --> 00:24:33,630
Well, it is christmas.

456
00:24:33,631 --> 00:24:35,596
How about calling him Noel?

457
00:24:35,597 --> 00:24:38,097
That is a great idea
because Noel Edmonds

458
00:24:38,098 --> 00:24:40,330
Is the sprit of Christmas, isn't he?

459
00:24:44,231 --> 00:24:47,531
Well now, young... Baby.

460
00:24:48,533 --> 00:24:50,632
Bibble, bibble.

461
00:24:53,466 --> 00:24:56,398
Well, a police station is
perhaps not the best of places

462
00:24:56,399 --> 00:24:58,999
For a child to spend its
first night upon earth.

463
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:01,036
But we should perhaps remember

464
00:25:01,037 --> 00:25:04,306
That once a baby was born in
a far lowlier place than this,

465
00:25:04,307 --> 00:25:06,810
And went on to do rather well.

466
00:25:06,811 --> 00:25:08,946
Yes.

467
00:25:08,947 --> 00:25:10,983
Who was that then?

468
00:25:14,488 --> 00:25:17,024
Jesus christ, Goody!

469
00:25:19,128 --> 00:25:20,628
There is no need to swear, sir,

470
00:25:20,629 --> 00:25:22,699
I just don't know who
you're talking about.

471
00:25:23,734 --> 00:25:25,703
Ah, constable Habib.

472
00:25:25,704 --> 00:25:27,706
I've been waiting for
a moment to have a word.

473
00:25:27,707 --> 00:25:29,575
Now what I said earlier
about your knickers-

474
00:25:29,576 --> 00:25:31,911
Oh please, sir, don't feel guilty.

475
00:25:31,912 --> 00:25:34,581
- I know what's going on.
- Oh, right.

476
00:25:34,582 --> 00:25:36,317
It's the male menopause.

477
00:25:36,318 --> 00:25:40,123
I must say a very nice little pull.

478
00:25:40,124 --> 00:25:42,659
First-class police work,
though I say so myself.

479
00:25:42,660 --> 00:25:45,831
Kray, get
those- those-

480
00:25:45,832 --> 00:25:48,400
- Carol-singing
scums? - Exactly.

481
00:25:48,401 --> 00:25:50,637
Out of the van and give
them a right going over.

482
00:25:50,638 --> 00:25:52,773
Now, Fowler, you seem to be

483
00:25:52,774 --> 00:25:55,376
Doing nothing but
fannying about as usual.

484
00:25:55,377 --> 00:25:58,347
You can test me on my lines. Come on.

485
00:25:58,348 --> 00:26:00,650
As my understudy, it'll do you good

486
00:26:00,651 --> 00:26:02,620
To see a proper bit of shouting!

487
00:26:02,621 --> 00:26:05,390
Actually, inspector Grim,
I've got some rather urgent-

488
00:26:05,391 --> 00:26:07,761
That's your problem
as an actor, Raymond,

489
00:26:07,762 --> 00:26:10,697
You never learn. No focus.

490
00:26:10,698 --> 00:26:14,370
No dedication. And
you're a load of rubbish.

491
00:26:14,371 --> 00:26:17,440
I suppose you've got till
boxing day to work on it,

492
00:26:17,441 --> 00:26:19,644
But give it some thought, mate.

493
00:26:19,645 --> 00:26:22,314
Now, top of the page...

494
00:26:22,315 --> 00:26:23,849
Oh, sir, sir...

495
00:26:23,850 --> 00:26:26,153
You know them dodgy carol
singers we just nicked?

496
00:26:26,154 --> 00:26:29,924
Avast, ye lubbers, 'tis Peter Pan!

497
00:26:29,925 --> 00:26:32,594
Very good, sir. Very intimidating.

498
00:26:34,098 --> 00:26:36,267
It's just that those iffy carol singers

499
00:26:36,268 --> 00:26:38,136
Turn out to be the chief constable,

500
00:26:38,137 --> 00:26:39,805
The local M.P., their wives,

501
00:26:39,806 --> 00:26:42,574
And the bishop of Gasforth.

502
00:26:42,575 --> 00:26:45,012
Do you still want me to
give them a going over, sir?

503
00:26:45,013 --> 00:26:48,684
Detective inspector Grim,
what the hell is going on?!

504
00:26:48,685 --> 00:26:51,721
Seems to be a mistake, sir.

505
00:26:51,722 --> 00:26:56,160
We are on the trail of
a vicious gang of brutal-

506
00:26:56,161 --> 00:26:59,299
- Carol singers, sir.
- Carol singers, sir.

507
00:26:59,300 --> 00:27:02,803
I shall see you in my office
after work on boxing day!

508
00:27:04,172 --> 00:27:06,007
Oh dear, inspector Grim.

509
00:27:06,008 --> 00:27:08,444
Looks like you're going to
have to miss the pantomime.

510
00:27:08,445 --> 00:27:10,147
Still it doesn't matter.

511
00:27:10,148 --> 00:27:12,317
I hear your understudy's
much the better actor.

512
00:27:13,552 --> 00:27:16,722
I hate Christmas!

513
00:27:16,723 --> 00:27:21,329
I reckon scrooge got it
right with his bag of humbugs.

514
00:27:21,330 --> 00:27:24,233
Kray, with me.

515
00:27:24,234 --> 00:27:26,002
( chuckles )

516
00:27:27,671 --> 00:27:29,172
Kevin!

517
00:27:31,610 --> 00:27:34,246
So you think these are
really me, do you, Kevin?

518
00:27:34,247 --> 00:27:36,783
- Yes I do.
- Don't you think they'd be a bit chilly

519
00:27:36,784 --> 00:27:38,653
At this time of year? I like undies

520
00:27:38,654 --> 00:27:41,389
That keep your bits
covered and your bum warm.

521
00:27:41,390 --> 00:27:45,061
Honestly, what is it with you
blokes and knickers tonight?

522
00:27:45,062 --> 00:27:47,297
If this is what Christmas does to you,

523
00:27:47,298 --> 00:27:49,167
I'm glad I don't bother with it.

524
00:27:51,604 --> 00:27:53,606
Yes, but did you like them?

525
00:27:55,042 --> 00:27:57,078
What was all that about?

526
00:27:57,079 --> 00:28:00,716
Not our business,
Patricia. Not our business.

527
00:28:00,717 --> 00:28:03,386
Well, I've got a lot of lines to learn.

528
00:28:03,387 --> 00:28:05,055
I'll get my coat, shall I?

529
00:28:05,056 --> 00:28:07,793
And my present, you gorgeous,

530
00:28:07,794 --> 00:28:10,028
Naughty, disgusting, dirty, filthy,

531
00:28:10,029 --> 00:28:13,033
Sexy little christmas reindeer. Ruff!

532
00:28:13,034 --> 00:28:17,539
Of course. And as you so
rightly point out, your present.

533
00:28:24,750 --> 00:28:27,085
Ruff!

534
00:28:27,086 --> 00:28:29,088
( theme music playing )