1 00:00:03,193 --> 00:00:06,329 ( theme music playing ) 2 00:01:22,473 --> 00:01:24,173 ( groans ) 3 00:01:45,262 --> 00:01:46,463 Hello, darling. 4 00:01:48,332 --> 00:01:50,233 - I hope I didn't wake you. - Not at all. 5 00:01:50,234 --> 00:01:53,269 It's the first time you've made my headboard rattle this year. 6 00:01:53,270 --> 00:01:55,739 I wouldn't have wanted to miss that. 7 00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:59,141 - Where've you been? - You know where I've been, my petal. 8 00:01:59,142 --> 00:02:01,878 At my pub quiz night. 9 00:02:01,879 --> 00:02:04,347 The pubs close at 11:00. 10 00:02:04,348 --> 00:02:06,048 Yes, that's true. 11 00:02:06,049 --> 00:02:07,717 But I've been buying you a present. 12 00:02:07,718 --> 00:02:10,854 - What? - A kebab. 13 00:02:12,356 --> 00:02:14,624 I don't want your horrid kebab. 14 00:02:14,625 --> 00:02:16,225 - Oh. - Raymond, 15 00:02:16,226 --> 00:02:18,160 Is that lipstick on your collar? 16 00:02:18,161 --> 00:02:20,563 Uh, no, it's ketchup. 17 00:02:20,564 --> 00:02:23,299 - Good. - I remember now, 18 00:02:23,300 --> 00:02:26,369 Constable Habib was eating ketchupy chips 19 00:02:26,370 --> 00:02:27,871 When I kissed her. 20 00:02:27,872 --> 00:02:30,139 You kissed constable Habib? 21 00:02:30,140 --> 00:02:32,375 We're through to the local final, Patricia. 22 00:02:32,376 --> 00:02:34,477 We're one game away from the trophy. 23 00:02:34,478 --> 00:02:36,979 So you kissed Maggie Habib? 24 00:02:36,980 --> 00:02:40,983 Yes. I very nearly kissed constable Kray as well. 25 00:02:40,984 --> 00:02:42,819 Loathsome man as he is, 26 00:02:42,820 --> 00:02:44,788 He does know the halftime scores 27 00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:46,556 Of every cup final since 1918. 28 00:02:49,660 --> 00:02:51,394 ¶ another one bites the dust... ¶ 29 00:02:51,395 --> 00:02:53,797 ¶ and another one bites, another one bites ¶ 30 00:02:53,798 --> 00:02:55,698 ¶ another one bites the dust! ¶ 31 00:02:55,699 --> 00:02:57,300 Oh, god. 32 00:02:57,301 --> 00:03:00,737 You know how much the quiz trophy means to me. 33 00:03:00,738 --> 00:03:04,340 It's the only glittering prize I've ever truly coveted. 34 00:03:04,341 --> 00:03:06,342 So you kissed Maggie Habib. 35 00:03:06,343 --> 00:03:07,944 Yes. 36 00:03:07,945 --> 00:03:10,279 I can't tell you how wonderful she was. 37 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:11,681 Well, don't. 38 00:03:11,682 --> 00:03:14,751 It was all down to the last question, you see? 39 00:03:14,752 --> 00:03:17,887 I'd been stumped on the name of the chancellor 40 00:03:17,888 --> 00:03:20,022 In the Israeli's second administration. 41 00:03:20,023 --> 00:03:23,526 Would you believe it? Mr. Thickey or what? 42 00:03:23,527 --> 00:03:26,896 That oaf Kray had gone completely to pieces 43 00:03:26,897 --> 00:03:29,365 Over the 1932 soviet discus team. 44 00:03:29,366 --> 00:03:33,470 Frankly, things were looking pretty bleak... 45 00:03:33,471 --> 00:03:37,273 Until Habib, dear, beautiful, 46 00:03:37,274 --> 00:03:39,943 Clever little constable Habib 47 00:03:39,944 --> 00:03:42,311 Pulled off a stunning coup 48 00:03:42,312 --> 00:03:45,949 By knowing the names of all a gorilla's vertebrae. 49 00:03:47,485 --> 00:03:48,918 What a woman. 50 00:03:48,919 --> 00:03:50,419 What a woman! 51 00:03:53,190 --> 00:03:55,057 Darling, what? 52 00:03:55,058 --> 00:03:57,694 - What's the matter? - Nothing. Really, it's nothing. 53 00:03:57,695 --> 00:03:59,963 Oh, that's all right then. 54 00:03:59,964 --> 00:04:03,366 I thought you were upset or something. 55 00:04:03,367 --> 00:04:05,535 I'm going to brush my teeth. 56 00:04:06,737 --> 00:04:08,805 I can't remember the last time you said 57 00:04:08,806 --> 00:04:10,339 What a wonderful woman I was. 58 00:04:10,340 --> 00:04:12,174 Oh, come on, darling. 59 00:04:12,175 --> 00:04:16,112 You don't know the skeletal composition of the gorilla family. 60 00:04:16,113 --> 00:04:17,146 Be serious. 61 00:04:23,687 --> 00:04:25,321 - Morning. - Good morning. 62 00:04:25,322 --> 00:04:28,024 Morning, everyone. Good morning. 63 00:04:31,395 --> 00:04:34,697 Um, you're not annoyed with me, are you, sergeant? 64 00:04:34,698 --> 00:04:36,666 No, not at all. 65 00:04:36,667 --> 00:04:39,468 It's just that at breakfast I couldn't help noticing 66 00:04:39,469 --> 00:04:41,203 That you crunched your cornflakes 67 00:04:41,204 --> 00:04:42,906 In rather an aggressive manner. 68 00:04:42,907 --> 00:04:44,841 - ( pen thumping ) - did I? 69 00:04:44,842 --> 00:04:47,544 And you did make my tea with cold water... 70 00:04:49,547 --> 00:04:52,148 And yesterday's teabag 71 00:04:52,149 --> 00:04:54,083 In my bicycle helmet. 72 00:04:56,420 --> 00:04:58,254 Not that it wasn't lovely. 73 00:04:58,255 --> 00:04:59,956 - Most refreshing. - Raymond, 74 00:04:59,957 --> 00:05:02,324 I am not in the slightest bit angry. 75 00:05:02,325 --> 00:05:03,893 Good, good. 76 00:05:03,894 --> 00:05:07,964 So the brillo pad in my shredded wheat was a mistake? 77 00:05:07,965 --> 00:05:09,799 Morning, all. 78 00:05:09,800 --> 00:05:12,101 Ah, Kray, fresh from last night's triumph. 79 00:05:12,102 --> 00:05:13,670 What are you eating? 80 00:05:13,671 --> 00:05:16,706 Breakfast, isn't it? Beef and onion pie. Do you want a bit? 81 00:05:16,707 --> 00:05:18,942 Beef and onion pie? Spit it out, man! 82 00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:21,010 Haven't you heard of mad cow disease? 83 00:05:21,011 --> 00:05:24,180 Come on, sir, no one worries about that anymore. 84 00:05:24,181 --> 00:05:27,383 Nobody worries about cricketers chewing gum and spitting anymore, 85 00:05:27,384 --> 00:05:30,252 But that doesn't mean it has ceased to be a national disgrace. 86 00:05:30,253 --> 00:05:32,321 I can't go without my beef. 87 00:05:32,322 --> 00:05:35,658 Personally, I don't believe all those stories anyway. 88 00:05:35,659 --> 00:05:39,062 As far as I'm concerned you could get more sense out of a british cow 89 00:05:39,063 --> 00:05:41,230 Than you will out of a packet of german sausages. 90 00:05:43,667 --> 00:05:47,070 Very possibly, but the final of the pub quiz is only a week away. 91 00:05:47,071 --> 00:05:48,404 We can take no chances. 92 00:05:48,405 --> 00:05:50,473 From now on, I suggest you eat only fish, 93 00:05:50,474 --> 00:05:53,175 Preferably raw. Seafood is brain food. 94 00:05:53,176 --> 00:05:54,510 That's true, sir. 95 00:05:54,511 --> 00:05:56,579 Murgatroyd, who lives next door to me, 96 00:05:56,580 --> 00:05:58,615 Eats nothing but fish. 97 00:05:58,616 --> 00:06:02,451 And she can lick her own backside, which I think is very clever. 98 00:06:04,588 --> 00:06:07,456 Would I be right in assuming that Murgatroyd is a cat? 99 00:06:07,457 --> 00:06:09,859 No, sir, she's a contortionist. 100 00:06:09,860 --> 00:06:13,195 ( laughs ) 101 00:06:14,865 --> 00:06:18,201 I've got a tough job on, and I need your cooperation. 102 00:06:18,202 --> 00:06:20,303 Now it's pretty urgent, 103 00:06:20,304 --> 00:06:23,639 So I won't beat about the proverbial privet. 104 00:06:25,242 --> 00:06:28,545 Frankly, I'm too busy a man to be cluck-clucking away 105 00:06:28,546 --> 00:06:30,947 Like a decapitated feathered fowl, 106 00:06:30,948 --> 00:06:32,582 So I'll get straight to the point. 107 00:06:32,583 --> 00:06:34,117 I'm delighted to hear it. 108 00:06:34,118 --> 00:06:36,852 "time waits for no man," as the proverb goes. 109 00:06:36,853 --> 00:06:38,988 What I say is, in C.I.D., 110 00:06:38,989 --> 00:06:40,923 Crime waits for no man. 111 00:06:40,924 --> 00:06:44,327 So with that in mind, I shall cut the bovine feces altogether. 112 00:06:44,328 --> 00:06:47,397 - Good. - This is C.I.D. Work, Raymond. 113 00:06:47,398 --> 00:06:50,633 In C.I.D. We dispense with niceties. 114 00:06:50,634 --> 00:06:54,437 We avoid irrelevance, we disregard herrings- 115 00:06:54,438 --> 00:06:55,838 Red or otherwise- 116 00:06:55,839 --> 00:06:59,209 And above all we do not fanny about. 117 00:07:00,744 --> 00:07:02,412 - Inspector Grim? - What? 118 00:07:02,413 --> 00:07:05,348 Was there something you wanted to discuss? 119 00:07:05,349 --> 00:07:06,749 Oh yes. 120 00:07:08,586 --> 00:07:10,453 To be blunt, Raymond, 121 00:07:10,454 --> 00:07:13,423 I need a woman and I want your help. 122 00:07:13,424 --> 00:07:16,226 Right. 123 00:07:16,227 --> 00:07:19,662 Derek, I'm glad you felt able to come to me about this. 124 00:07:19,663 --> 00:07:23,166 How strong are these urges, and how long have you had them? 125 00:07:23,167 --> 00:07:25,435 A policewoman, you idiot. 126 00:07:25,436 --> 00:07:28,804 We've been on to a major local villain for months, 127 00:07:28,805 --> 00:07:30,340 But he's slippery, 128 00:07:30,341 --> 00:07:31,574 Like an owl. 129 00:07:35,346 --> 00:07:37,813 He does, however, have a weakness. 130 00:07:37,814 --> 00:07:39,882 And that weakness is totty. 131 00:07:39,883 --> 00:07:41,951 Totty? 132 00:07:41,952 --> 00:07:44,954 Birds, bints, anything in a skirt- 133 00:07:44,955 --> 00:07:47,423 Barring a scotsman. 134 00:07:47,424 --> 00:07:50,226 He's a ladies' man. 135 00:07:50,227 --> 00:07:53,029 Are you suggesting an entrapment operation? 136 00:07:53,030 --> 00:07:54,730 Not entrapment, Raymond. 137 00:07:54,731 --> 00:07:57,433 Entrapment is, as you know, illegal. 138 00:07:57,434 --> 00:07:59,835 But blokes drop their guard with girls. 139 00:07:59,836 --> 00:08:01,804 They don't think of the consequences. 140 00:08:01,805 --> 00:08:04,440 Blimey, we've all done it. 141 00:08:04,441 --> 00:08:08,010 You get all stupid with some young lovely 142 00:08:08,011 --> 00:08:10,680 And before you know it you're bald, 143 00:08:10,681 --> 00:08:13,983 40, sitting in the car park 144 00:08:13,984 --> 00:08:16,852 At Sainsbury's home base. 145 00:08:18,322 --> 00:08:20,223 Now I want someone with brains. 146 00:08:20,224 --> 00:08:22,225 Brains and beauty. 147 00:08:22,226 --> 00:08:23,993 - Your report, sir. - Thank you. 148 00:08:23,994 --> 00:08:26,329 I want Habib. 149 00:08:26,330 --> 00:08:28,331 You cannot have her. 150 00:08:28,332 --> 00:08:31,701 I strongly disapprove of this type of dubious, underhand operation. 151 00:08:31,702 --> 00:08:33,636 We're not talking about a honey trap, 152 00:08:33,637 --> 00:08:35,471 Just a bit of intelligence gathering. 153 00:08:35,472 --> 00:08:38,007 C.I.D. Cannot operate without intelligence. 154 00:08:38,008 --> 00:08:41,311 You seem to have managed very well up till now. 155 00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:42,645 Listen, 156 00:08:42,646 --> 00:08:44,581 The bloke is laughing at the law. 157 00:08:44,582 --> 00:08:47,016 If you're not careful, division'll hand it over 158 00:08:47,017 --> 00:08:48,918 And we'll have the flying squad back. 159 00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:50,786 You really think so? 160 00:08:50,787 --> 00:08:53,089 Of course if all we're doing is fannying about. 161 00:08:53,090 --> 00:08:56,092 I don't much care for the flying squad, I must say. 162 00:08:56,093 --> 00:08:57,893 Arrogant oafs to a man. 163 00:08:57,894 --> 00:08:59,795 The last time they were here, 164 00:08:59,796 --> 00:09:03,132 One of them left chewing gum stuck under my desk. 165 00:09:03,133 --> 00:09:06,202 I mean, what sort of mentality? 166 00:09:06,203 --> 00:09:08,338 And the state of the lavatories- 167 00:09:08,339 --> 00:09:12,007 It was almost as if they were aiming for the floor. 168 00:09:13,310 --> 00:09:16,646 These men are trained marksmen, for heaven's sake. 169 00:09:16,647 --> 00:09:19,282 All I'd say is, if you're ever cornered by one, 170 00:09:19,283 --> 00:09:21,317 Head for the gents' and hide in a urinal 171 00:09:21,318 --> 00:09:23,720 Because they're incapable of hitting it. 172 00:09:23,721 --> 00:09:26,122 Right. 173 00:09:26,123 --> 00:09:28,057 And if you don't want them round here 174 00:09:28,058 --> 00:09:31,294 Chewing gum and dampening our facilities, 175 00:09:31,295 --> 00:09:33,829 You'd better start cooperating with me. 176 00:09:33,830 --> 00:09:36,666 I'll talk to the girl and see how she feels about it. 177 00:09:36,667 --> 00:09:38,033 Well, do it discreetly. 178 00:09:38,034 --> 00:09:39,702 It's not the sort of operation 179 00:09:39,703 --> 00:09:41,904 That wants to be blabbed round the station. 180 00:09:41,905 --> 00:09:44,006 Tell no one but Habib. 181 00:09:44,007 --> 00:09:46,509 I don't need to be told my duty, inspector Grim. 182 00:09:46,510 --> 00:09:47,943 Well, I hope not, 183 00:09:47,944 --> 00:09:50,079 Because it's my backside on the line 184 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,415 And I'm right up to my neck in it. 185 00:09:57,220 --> 00:09:58,921 Ah, constable Habib. 186 00:09:58,922 --> 00:10:00,489 Come in, sit down. 187 00:10:03,260 --> 00:10:05,794 Now then, I've asked you to come and see me 188 00:10:05,795 --> 00:10:07,896 On a matter of considerable delicacy. 189 00:10:07,897 --> 00:10:10,066 Right you are, inspector. You can trust me. 190 00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:11,834 I sincerely hope I can. 191 00:10:11,835 --> 00:10:15,071 Because I wish to discuss an extremely sensitive operation. 192 00:10:15,072 --> 00:10:16,973 Oh, I see. 193 00:10:16,974 --> 00:10:18,740 My dad's just had one of those. 194 00:10:18,741 --> 00:10:21,643 Bowel complaints are very common in men of your age. 195 00:10:21,644 --> 00:10:24,347 I'm talking about a police operation, constable. 196 00:10:24,348 --> 00:10:26,015 Oh, I see, sir. Sorry. 197 00:10:26,016 --> 00:10:27,683 What's more, for the record, 198 00:10:27,684 --> 00:10:30,019 My bowels are in perfect working order. 199 00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:33,822 - Glad to hear it, sir. - You could set your watch by them. 200 00:10:33,823 --> 00:10:35,757 I haven't missed an evacuation 201 00:10:35,758 --> 00:10:38,027 In 25 years of public service. 202 00:10:39,829 --> 00:10:41,630 However, I am not here to discuss 203 00:10:41,631 --> 00:10:44,533 My quite excellent digestive system. 204 00:10:44,534 --> 00:10:47,169 I'm here to discuss a police matter. 205 00:10:47,170 --> 00:10:51,207 You are to be seconded to the criminal investigations department. 206 00:10:51,208 --> 00:10:52,441 C.I.D.?! 207 00:10:52,442 --> 00:10:55,344 Yes, yes, the C.I.D., if you must. 208 00:10:55,345 --> 00:10:58,447 Although it's beyond me why perfectly serviceable sentences 209 00:10:58,448 --> 00:11:01,617 Must always be reduced to graceless, lifeless initials. 210 00:11:01,618 --> 00:11:05,821 Why, when Mark Antony stood bestride Caesar's grave declaiming, 211 00:11:05,822 --> 00:11:08,124 "friends, Romans, countrymen," 212 00:11:08,125 --> 00:11:09,892 Would he have done better to say, 213 00:11:09,893 --> 00:11:11,927 "F.R.C.S"? 214 00:11:11,928 --> 00:11:13,462 It would've saved time, sir. 215 00:11:13,463 --> 00:11:15,131 Initials are easier and quicker. 216 00:11:15,132 --> 00:11:17,199 Yes, but does that make them better? 217 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,800 Life would be easier and quicker 218 00:11:18,801 --> 00:11:21,203 If we popped our clogs at birth. 219 00:11:21,204 --> 00:11:24,173 That way we would avoid all those slow, troublesome things 220 00:11:24,174 --> 00:11:26,342 Like long walks in the country, 221 00:11:26,343 --> 00:11:27,743 Games of chess, 222 00:11:27,744 --> 00:11:30,679 Long, languid, lingering... 223 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:31,947 Oh, what's the word? 224 00:11:31,948 --> 00:11:34,083 - Sex? - I was going to say 225 00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:36,318 Amontillado sherries before lunch, 226 00:11:36,319 --> 00:11:39,055 But yes, if you like, sex. 227 00:11:39,056 --> 00:11:41,690 Would you prefer sex, constable Habib, 228 00:11:41,691 --> 00:11:43,725 If it was quick and easy? 229 00:11:48,898 --> 00:11:50,699 Yes, sergeant, was there something? 230 00:11:52,536 --> 00:11:54,703 What is constable Habib doing in your office? 231 00:11:54,704 --> 00:11:56,605 Now that I cannot say, sergeant. 232 00:11:56,606 --> 00:11:58,941 Constable Habib and I were discussing something 233 00:11:58,942 --> 00:12:01,210 Which must remain private between the two of us. 234 00:12:01,211 --> 00:12:04,380 - Private? - I fear so. Now what can I do for you? 235 00:12:04,381 --> 00:12:06,282 There's a delivery for you. 236 00:12:06,283 --> 00:12:08,117 Constable Goody? 237 00:12:10,954 --> 00:12:13,055 We've got the new "er," sir. 238 00:12:14,091 --> 00:12:16,024 - The new er? - That's right. 239 00:12:16,025 --> 00:12:17,960 The er. Beautiful it is. 240 00:12:17,961 --> 00:12:19,528 Beautiful and shiny. 241 00:12:19,529 --> 00:12:21,697 A beautiful and shiny er. 242 00:12:24,067 --> 00:12:27,002 - You ordered it. - I ordered an er? 243 00:12:27,003 --> 00:12:30,139 Yes, and now it's come. Frank's been polishing it up. 244 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:32,841 Come on, Frank. Show inspector Fowler his new er. 245 00:12:32,842 --> 00:12:36,044 Oh, of course. 246 00:12:36,045 --> 00:12:37,946 The new desk crest. E.R. 247 00:12:37,947 --> 00:12:39,781 Yes, that's right, "er." 248 00:12:41,184 --> 00:12:43,419 Constable Goody, this is the royal crest. 249 00:12:43,420 --> 00:12:46,388 Yes, I know that. I'm not thick, am I? 250 00:12:46,389 --> 00:12:49,291 If you knew that this crest represented the authority 251 00:12:49,292 --> 00:12:50,459 Of her majesty the queen, 252 00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:52,294 What in the devil's briefcase 253 00:12:52,295 --> 00:12:54,163 Did you imagine E.R. stood for? 254 00:12:55,565 --> 00:12:57,299 'er in the palace. 255 00:13:01,271 --> 00:13:04,573 Elizabeth Regina. It stands for Elizabeth Regina! 256 00:13:04,574 --> 00:13:06,074 I never knew that. 257 00:13:06,075 --> 00:13:09,778 I thought it stood for extremely royal. 258 00:13:09,779 --> 00:13:11,747 E.R. is initials, isn't it, sir? 259 00:13:11,748 --> 00:13:13,649 Are they graceless and lifeless? 260 00:13:13,650 --> 00:13:15,651 Don't be clever, Habib. 261 00:13:15,652 --> 00:13:17,953 The public mistrusts clever police officers. 262 00:13:17,954 --> 00:13:21,056 They think they're up to something. 263 00:13:21,057 --> 00:13:23,559 Clear off, you lot, and hang that above the front desk. 264 00:13:23,560 --> 00:13:25,628 I'm in the middle of a sensitive meeting. 265 00:13:28,165 --> 00:13:30,699 I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to leave too, sergeant. 266 00:13:30,700 --> 00:13:32,968 You're throwing me out of your office? 267 00:13:32,969 --> 00:13:34,936 Reluctantly, I'm afraid that I am. 268 00:13:34,937 --> 00:13:37,839 You see, I wish to be alone with constable Habib. 269 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:40,442 You do understand, don't you, sergeant? 270 00:13:40,443 --> 00:13:42,444 Oh, yes. 271 00:13:42,445 --> 00:13:44,380 I understand very well. 272 00:13:48,017 --> 00:13:52,020 I must say this er will look very well up on the wall. 273 00:13:52,021 --> 00:13:53,855 Tell you what, Frank, 274 00:13:53,856 --> 00:13:56,091 You need a big hat to pin that badge on. 275 00:14:00,463 --> 00:14:01,730 So constable Habib, 276 00:14:01,731 --> 00:14:04,366 You are to be the bait in a honey trap. 277 00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:07,269 You are to dress up in your finest stockings, 278 00:14:07,270 --> 00:14:08,938 Miniskirt and boob tube 279 00:14:08,939 --> 00:14:11,306 To ensnare a hard-bitten thug 280 00:14:11,307 --> 00:14:13,141 Into your sexual web. 281 00:14:13,142 --> 00:14:15,811 I envy you, constable Habib. 282 00:14:15,812 --> 00:14:17,913 I would give much for such an opportunity 283 00:14:17,914 --> 00:14:19,582 To serve my community. 284 00:14:19,583 --> 00:14:21,817 Well, sir, I could lend you a pair of tights. 285 00:14:21,818 --> 00:14:24,753 Don't be facetious, Habib. 286 00:14:24,754 --> 00:14:27,690 Now if my experience in amateur drama 287 00:14:27,691 --> 00:14:29,424 Has taught me anything, 288 00:14:29,425 --> 00:14:32,561 It is that there's more to acting than putting on the tights. 289 00:14:32,562 --> 00:14:35,130 One must immerse oneself in a role, 290 00:14:35,131 --> 00:14:36,531 Live it, breathe it. 291 00:14:36,532 --> 00:14:38,333 When I was in "Henry V," 292 00:14:38,334 --> 00:14:41,870 I often came to work with a codpiece under my trousers. 293 00:14:41,871 --> 00:14:43,706 Did you play Henry V, sir? 294 00:14:43,707 --> 00:14:45,808 Well, not quite Henry, no. 295 00:14:45,809 --> 00:14:48,043 I played "man." 296 00:14:49,713 --> 00:14:52,280 The point is that if you take this job on, 297 00:14:52,281 --> 00:14:55,450 From tomorrow morning you will no longer be constable Habib, 298 00:14:55,451 --> 00:14:58,153 Stern, steady, and a credit to the service. 299 00:14:58,154 --> 00:15:01,323 You will instead be a right saucy bit of brisket. 300 00:15:03,259 --> 00:15:07,162 - Will you do it? - It's got to be better than collaring shoplifters. 301 00:15:07,163 --> 00:15:09,698 Good. Let's go and see inspector Grim. 302 00:15:11,167 --> 00:15:12,367 Just before we do, 303 00:15:12,368 --> 00:15:14,536 One final thing. 304 00:15:14,537 --> 00:15:16,338 Give me the first six primary numbers. 305 00:15:16,339 --> 00:15:18,373 One, three, five, seven, 11 and 13, sir. 306 00:15:18,374 --> 00:15:20,275 The periodic symbols of iron and gold? 307 00:15:20,276 --> 00:15:21,376 Fe and Au, sir. 308 00:15:21,377 --> 00:15:23,311 The quiz final is six days from now. 309 00:15:23,312 --> 00:15:26,448 - How long is that in half hours? - 288, sir. 310 00:15:31,121 --> 00:15:34,322 Constable Habib, you really are very good. 311 00:15:35,959 --> 00:15:37,192 I do my best, sir. 312 00:15:37,193 --> 00:15:38,827 Bit of a facer at the end. 313 00:15:38,828 --> 00:15:42,031 I must say, I wasn't really ready for such a hard one. 314 00:15:57,446 --> 00:16:00,515 Constable Habib! What do you think you're doing?! 315 00:16:00,516 --> 00:16:02,751 You can't come to work looking like a tart! 316 00:16:02,752 --> 00:16:04,987 I've a good mind to have you disciplined. 317 00:16:04,988 --> 00:16:08,456 It's all right. Inspector Fowler said he wanted me to dress like this. 318 00:16:10,226 --> 00:16:11,894 Inspector Fowler 319 00:16:11,895 --> 00:16:13,495 Asked you to dress like that? 320 00:16:13,496 --> 00:16:16,264 That's right. He said he wanted me to look dead sexy. 321 00:16:16,265 --> 00:16:20,368 - What do you think, Pat? - My name is sergeant Dawkins! 322 00:16:20,369 --> 00:16:22,971 Why did inspector Fowler ask you to dress like that? 323 00:16:22,972 --> 00:16:25,574 He, he said I wasn't to tell anyone. 324 00:16:25,575 --> 00:16:29,044 Ah, constable Habib, that's what I like to see. 325 00:16:29,045 --> 00:16:30,679 Splendid. Splendid. 326 00:16:30,680 --> 00:16:32,380 Come on through to the briefing room. 327 00:16:35,284 --> 00:16:38,053 Now remember what I said about acting, Habib. 328 00:16:38,054 --> 00:16:39,788 Live your character. Live it. 329 00:16:39,789 --> 00:16:41,590 Because your life may depend on it. 330 00:16:41,591 --> 00:16:44,126 Right you are, big boy. 331 00:16:52,702 --> 00:16:54,002 ( purrs ) 332 00:16:55,839 --> 00:16:57,773 Hello, gorgeous. 333 00:16:57,774 --> 00:17:00,375 Mmm, I love a man in a uniform. 334 00:17:00,376 --> 00:17:02,778 ( gasps ) is that a truncheon in your pocket 335 00:17:02,779 --> 00:17:04,479 Or are you just pleased to see me? 336 00:17:12,155 --> 00:17:14,156 Actually it's a mars bar. 337 00:17:21,030 --> 00:17:22,297 Right then... 338 00:17:22,298 --> 00:17:26,301 Constable Habib, you're with C.I.D. now. 339 00:17:26,302 --> 00:17:29,504 And in C.I.D. we do things a bit differently. 340 00:17:29,505 --> 00:17:31,673 Oh yes. Oh yes. 341 00:17:31,674 --> 00:17:34,542 When you run us up the flagpole, 342 00:17:34,543 --> 00:17:38,147 You'll find you're saluting a very different kettle of fish. 343 00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:40,749 You know, you could be a bit tasty, inspector, 344 00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:44,019 I mean if you had hair on your head instead of your face. 345 00:17:45,721 --> 00:17:48,123 Well done, Habib. 346 00:17:48,124 --> 00:17:52,094 Sorry I'm late. Been down at the frog and truncheon, setting up a narc. 347 00:17:52,095 --> 00:17:54,930 You didn't drink? Tell me you didn't drink. 348 00:17:54,931 --> 00:17:57,099 'Course not, sir. I never drink on duty. 349 00:17:57,100 --> 00:17:58,767 Only had three pints. 350 00:17:58,768 --> 00:18:02,004 Three pints?! Have you any idea how many brain cells 351 00:18:02,005 --> 00:18:04,239 One unit of alcohol destroys? 352 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:05,974 Who won the F.A. Cup final in 1953? 353 00:18:05,975 --> 00:18:09,444 Um, Blackpool. They beat Bolton Wanderers 4-3. 354 00:18:09,445 --> 00:18:12,447 You said "um." you're umming, man. 355 00:18:12,448 --> 00:18:14,349 That's the alcohol umming. 356 00:18:14,350 --> 00:18:15,851 Only boozers and losers um. 357 00:18:15,852 --> 00:18:18,320 Inspector Fowler, we are in the middle- 358 00:18:18,321 --> 00:18:21,723 What year was synchronized swimming admitted as an olympic sport? 359 00:18:21,724 --> 00:18:24,226 - Uh, 1984. - Now you're uhhing. 360 00:18:24,227 --> 00:18:26,328 Good god, man, first you um and then you uh. 361 00:18:26,329 --> 00:18:28,931 It's a short step from that to, "hang on, I know this one, 362 00:18:28,932 --> 00:18:30,866 Could you repeat the question, please?" 363 00:18:30,867 --> 00:18:33,936 Pull yourself together, you foul drunkard. 364 00:18:33,937 --> 00:18:37,172 Jane sits to the left of Fred, who is two seats down from Tony, 365 00:18:37,173 --> 00:18:39,908 Who sits to the right of Jane, next to the fire extinguisher. 366 00:18:39,909 --> 00:18:41,844 Each seat has a width of two and a half feet 367 00:18:41,845 --> 00:18:43,712 And there's nine inches between them. 368 00:18:43,713 --> 00:18:47,182 In a fire, how far will Fred have to travel to reach the fire extinguisher? 369 00:18:47,183 --> 00:18:50,285 - Tony would've grabbed it. - Tony and Jane have fainted from fear. 370 00:18:50,286 --> 00:18:53,856 Inspector Fowler, we are discussing a dangerous operation. 371 00:18:53,857 --> 00:18:56,225 You're on duty, man, pull yourself together. 372 00:18:56,226 --> 00:18:57,826 I'm sorry, you're quite right. 373 00:18:57,827 --> 00:19:00,028 I will not mention the quiz again... 374 00:19:00,029 --> 00:19:01,563 Except to say 375 00:19:01,564 --> 00:19:04,466 That victory will bring honor to the whole station. 376 00:19:04,467 --> 00:19:07,035 Honor... And a big cup. 377 00:19:08,338 --> 00:19:10,538 Big shiny cup. 378 00:19:10,539 --> 00:19:12,707 Not that one covets such trinkets, of course. 379 00:19:12,708 --> 00:19:16,845 But a cup that this pathetic alcoholic, 380 00:19:16,846 --> 00:19:20,048 This sad, raddled, beer-soaked dipsomaniac, 381 00:19:20,049 --> 00:19:23,551 Who will no doubt arrive at the final mounted on a pink elephant, 382 00:19:23,552 --> 00:19:25,220 Chooses to put at risk- 383 00:19:25,221 --> 00:19:27,756 - Fowler! - I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 384 00:19:27,757 --> 00:19:30,325 Please proceed. I will not disturb you 385 00:19:30,326 --> 00:19:32,394 Or mention the quiz final ever again. 386 00:19:32,395 --> 00:19:33,896 I'm very glad to hear it. 387 00:19:33,897 --> 00:19:37,266 Right, now, the meeting will take place 388 00:19:37,267 --> 00:19:39,101 At the old priest's hole. 389 00:19:39,102 --> 00:19:41,203 - ( gasps ) - What is it now? 390 00:19:41,204 --> 00:19:43,738 The old priest's hole is the venue for the pub quiz final. 391 00:19:43,739 --> 00:19:46,574 - Really? - Definitely. 392 00:19:46,575 --> 00:19:50,078 Fowler, I'm afraid that means that Habib is off your quiz team. 393 00:19:50,079 --> 00:19:51,813 But she's my star striker. 394 00:19:51,814 --> 00:19:55,050 Exactly. If she turns up at our villain's boozer 395 00:19:55,051 --> 00:19:57,585 As the star of Gasforth police quiz team, 396 00:19:57,586 --> 00:20:00,188 There's just a chance he might work out she's a copper. 397 00:20:05,427 --> 00:20:07,162 Excuse me, sergeant, darling, 398 00:20:07,163 --> 00:20:09,731 - May I have a word? - It's your police station. 399 00:20:09,732 --> 00:20:11,733 You can talk to who you like, I suppose. 400 00:20:13,636 --> 00:20:15,070 Yes, well, um... 401 00:20:15,071 --> 00:20:18,140 The point is that I need another man for my quiz team. 402 00:20:18,141 --> 00:20:21,576 And when I say "man," I mean, of course, "man or person." 403 00:20:22,879 --> 00:20:25,346 Now you've got a pretty good brain, old girl, 404 00:20:25,347 --> 00:20:28,249 Senile dementia not quite set in yet, I hope, hmm? 405 00:20:28,250 --> 00:20:32,353 You wouldn't be much good on pop music or fashion, 406 00:20:32,354 --> 00:20:35,924 But I would imagine you'd play a pretty straight bat 407 00:20:35,925 --> 00:20:37,659 When it came to postwar politics 408 00:20:37,660 --> 00:20:41,429 Or matters pertaining to gardening and plumbing. 409 00:20:41,430 --> 00:20:44,766 - So how about it? - I can't imagine why you would want another player. 410 00:20:44,767 --> 00:20:46,768 After all, you have constable Habib, 411 00:20:46,769 --> 00:20:49,604 The finest brain and the shortest skirt in the force. 412 00:20:49,605 --> 00:20:53,975 Yes, there's no doubt that Habib is an extraordinary woman. 413 00:20:53,976 --> 00:20:55,977 But I'm afraid she cannot compete. 414 00:20:55,978 --> 00:20:58,213 I have other duties for her. 415 00:20:58,214 --> 00:21:01,016 What other duties, Raymond? What is going on?! 416 00:21:01,017 --> 00:21:04,252 I'm afraid I cannot tell you, and that's the end of it. 417 00:21:04,253 --> 00:21:07,222 And anyway, does our team really need her? 418 00:21:07,223 --> 00:21:09,490 She's bright, she's charismatic 419 00:21:09,491 --> 00:21:10,892 And she's a natural star, 420 00:21:10,893 --> 00:21:13,528 "but is that what we want?" I ask. 421 00:21:13,529 --> 00:21:16,164 And I answer, "no." 422 00:21:16,165 --> 00:21:19,367 Give me a good, honest, plain, solid, 423 00:21:19,368 --> 00:21:22,738 Workaday team player like dear old Pat Dawkins. 424 00:21:22,739 --> 00:21:25,373 I wouldn't join your quiz team if it was the only thing 425 00:21:25,374 --> 00:21:28,676 That stood between you and disemboweling with a blunt truncheon. 426 00:21:31,748 --> 00:21:34,649 Goody, Gladstone, in the briefing room. 427 00:21:34,650 --> 00:21:39,554 Leave the er. Uh, I mean... 428 00:21:39,555 --> 00:21:40,655 Leave it. 429 00:21:42,258 --> 00:21:43,658 All right, you men. 430 00:21:43,659 --> 00:21:45,160 I'm going to ask you a question, 431 00:21:45,161 --> 00:21:48,230 And I want you to answer to the best of your ability. 432 00:21:48,231 --> 00:21:50,598 - Do you understand? - Yes, sir. 433 00:21:50,599 --> 00:21:54,970 - Just one question, sir. - Yes, just the one question, Goody. 434 00:21:54,971 --> 00:21:57,973 No, I mean, may I ask a question about your question? 435 00:21:57,974 --> 00:22:00,408 - Yes, if you must. - Thank you, sir. 436 00:22:00,409 --> 00:22:02,377 Is that the question? 437 00:22:04,213 --> 00:22:05,247 Is what the question? 438 00:22:05,248 --> 00:22:06,614 If we understand. 439 00:22:06,615 --> 00:22:07,816 Understand what? 440 00:22:07,817 --> 00:22:10,218 That you're going to ask us a question. 441 00:22:11,553 --> 00:22:13,588 Is the question whether you understand 442 00:22:13,589 --> 00:22:15,791 The fact that I'm going to ask you a question? 443 00:22:15,792 --> 00:22:19,627 Yes, sir. You see, you said you were going to ask us a question. 444 00:22:19,628 --> 00:22:22,264 And then you asked us if we understood. 445 00:22:22,265 --> 00:22:24,766 Now I was wondering if that was the question, 446 00:22:24,767 --> 00:22:28,369 Or just a sub question, and that the real question was still to come. 447 00:22:28,370 --> 00:22:31,706 Congratulations, Goody, you've just failed your trial for the quiz team. 448 00:22:31,707 --> 00:22:32,974 - Get out. - Yes, sir. 449 00:22:35,444 --> 00:22:37,846 I was captain of a pub quiz side once, sir. 450 00:22:37,847 --> 00:22:40,282 - Were you really? - Oh yes. 451 00:22:40,283 --> 00:22:43,384 I remember telling the lads before our first match, 452 00:22:43,385 --> 00:22:47,889 "memory and detail - let those be our bywords. 453 00:22:47,890 --> 00:22:52,027 Memory, memory, memory, detail, detail, detail." 454 00:22:52,028 --> 00:22:54,562 Excellent advice, Gladstone. How did your team fare? 455 00:22:54,563 --> 00:22:56,698 I don't know. I forgot where the pub was, sir. 456 00:22:59,302 --> 00:23:02,570 Sir, you know the name of our team is called 457 00:23:02,571 --> 00:23:05,140 "Gasforth police station"? 458 00:23:05,141 --> 00:23:07,442 Yes, very good. 459 00:23:07,443 --> 00:23:10,946 But I fear the questions are likely to be slightly more taxing 460 00:23:10,947 --> 00:23:12,848 Than what is the name of your team. 461 00:23:12,849 --> 00:23:15,250 No, I was just thinking, 462 00:23:15,251 --> 00:23:19,120 It doesn't say that the players actually have to be coppers. 463 00:23:19,121 --> 00:23:20,388 Does it, sir? 464 00:23:22,325 --> 00:23:24,159 How far will Fred have to travel 465 00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,094 To reach the fire extinguisher? 466 00:23:26,095 --> 00:23:29,130 Uh... 467 00:23:29,131 --> 00:23:30,232 What? 468 00:23:30,233 --> 00:23:32,767 Who cares? 469 00:23:33,769 --> 00:23:35,603 ( vomiting ) 470 00:23:35,604 --> 00:23:38,373 I don't think you're trying hard enough, constable. 471 00:23:38,374 --> 00:23:39,875 Did you show him plenty of leg? 472 00:23:39,876 --> 00:23:43,011 Excuse me, if this skirt were any shorter, it'd be a belt. 473 00:23:43,012 --> 00:23:46,481 Habib, this bloke is a hardened villain. 474 00:23:46,482 --> 00:23:50,285 He's not going to incriminate himself for a flash of gusset. 475 00:23:50,286 --> 00:23:52,287 You've got to go further. Offer the lot. 476 00:23:52,288 --> 00:23:54,422 - Do what? - Oh god. 477 00:23:54,423 --> 00:23:56,191 I suppose I'll have to show you. 478 00:23:57,260 --> 00:23:59,361 Constable Kray, you be the Mark. 479 00:23:59,362 --> 00:24:01,662 Now this is how to be sexy. 480 00:24:01,663 --> 00:24:04,032 Of course you've got to imagine the skirt. 481 00:24:07,937 --> 00:24:09,905 So do you want another drink, love? 482 00:24:09,906 --> 00:24:12,941 Oh I shouldn't really, I get so randy when I'm tiddly. 483 00:24:12,942 --> 00:24:15,777 All right, go on then, lover. 484 00:24:15,778 --> 00:24:17,045 ( laughs ) 485 00:24:17,046 --> 00:24:19,614 Give me a big one. 486 00:24:19,615 --> 00:24:21,416 Excuse me... 487 00:24:21,417 --> 00:24:24,552 Are we trying to make him confess or throw up? 488 00:24:25,587 --> 00:24:27,022 Look, inspector Grim, 489 00:24:27,023 --> 00:24:29,857 With all due respect to your suppressed sexuality, 490 00:24:29,858 --> 00:24:32,327 I haven't got a problem giving him the come on. 491 00:24:32,328 --> 00:24:34,963 I've been beating him off with a bottle of brown ale. 492 00:24:34,964 --> 00:24:37,265 It just isn't making him blab, that's all. 493 00:24:37,266 --> 00:24:40,101 You got to make him think you like sleeping with villains, 494 00:24:40,102 --> 00:24:42,770 - That it turns you on. - No, I will not have it. 495 00:24:42,771 --> 00:24:45,373 That is blatant entrapment. It is not the job of the police 496 00:24:45,374 --> 00:24:47,275 To provoke people into breaking the law. 497 00:24:47,276 --> 00:24:50,211 You can't provoke them if they don't want to do it. 498 00:24:50,212 --> 00:24:53,048 We've come this far, she's gotta go the last mile. 499 00:24:53,049 --> 00:24:55,216 What do you think, sir? 500 00:24:55,217 --> 00:24:57,485 Soliciting a crime is an offense. 501 00:24:57,486 --> 00:24:59,487 I know, constable, I know. 502 00:24:59,488 --> 00:25:02,123 I utterly deplore this type of operation. 503 00:25:02,124 --> 00:25:05,660 But we've come this far, 504 00:25:05,661 --> 00:25:08,229 And if we can just get this business over with 505 00:25:08,230 --> 00:25:11,299 Before the pub quiz final, then you can be back on the team. 506 00:25:18,341 --> 00:25:20,775 Well, Habib, you don't look very happy. 507 00:25:20,776 --> 00:25:23,311 What's inspector Fowler asked you to do now? 508 00:25:23,312 --> 00:25:26,314 He's asking me to go a lot further than I feel comfortable with. 509 00:25:26,315 --> 00:25:29,050 Personally, I think it's a bit immoral. 510 00:25:29,051 --> 00:25:30,618 And I think he does too. 511 00:25:34,523 --> 00:25:36,992 Heavens and braces, sergeant Dawkins, 512 00:25:36,993 --> 00:25:38,726 Have you run mad? 513 00:25:38,727 --> 00:25:40,495 No, I have not. 514 00:25:40,496 --> 00:25:42,530 I have come to my senses. 515 00:25:42,531 --> 00:25:44,732 ( laughs ) 516 00:25:44,733 --> 00:25:48,336 You've destroyed her majesty's crest, 517 00:25:48,337 --> 00:25:51,539 The very symbol of all the values that I stand for! 518 00:25:51,540 --> 00:25:53,341 You don't stand for any values. 519 00:25:53,342 --> 00:25:55,743 I've seen what you're doing to constable Habib. 520 00:25:55,744 --> 00:25:57,212 You viper, you rat! 521 00:25:57,213 --> 00:25:59,014 Oh, I see. 522 00:25:59,015 --> 00:26:01,782 So you know about Habib, do you? 523 00:26:01,783 --> 00:26:05,053 - Yes, I do. - You were right to destroy the crest. 524 00:26:05,054 --> 00:26:06,521 I should never have gone along 525 00:26:06,522 --> 00:26:09,090 With Grim's entrapment operation in the first place, 526 00:26:09,091 --> 00:26:13,661 Let alone hurry it on so Habib could rejoin my quiz team. 527 00:26:13,662 --> 00:26:15,263 Entrapment operation? 528 00:26:15,264 --> 00:26:18,166 Well, yes, but - but you must've known that. 529 00:26:18,167 --> 00:26:20,235 That's why you destroyed the crest. 530 00:26:20,236 --> 00:26:23,071 Unless you placed some other interpretation 531 00:26:23,072 --> 00:26:25,507 Upon my activities with constable Habib? 532 00:26:25,508 --> 00:26:28,410 No, no, no. No, I had the whole thing worked out. 533 00:26:28,411 --> 00:26:31,979 Short skirts, secret meetings - entrapment operation. 534 00:26:31,980 --> 00:26:35,016 Plain as day, absolutely. Knew all along. 535 00:26:35,017 --> 00:26:38,286 I should never have agreed to Grim's appalling methods. 536 00:26:38,287 --> 00:26:42,190 If I had not, I would still have my honor, 537 00:26:42,191 --> 00:26:43,925 My crest, 538 00:26:43,926 --> 00:26:46,061 And a full quiz team. 539 00:26:46,062 --> 00:26:48,930 As it is, I have nothing. 540 00:26:49,932 --> 00:26:51,933 Dear, oh dear, Raymond. 541 00:26:51,934 --> 00:26:55,970 You don't half go on with your high and mighty, 542 00:26:55,971 --> 00:26:58,839 Up your jacksy, snooty, snotty, 543 00:26:58,840 --> 00:27:01,642 Dib-dib-dob, excuse me, scout's honor, 544 00:27:01,643 --> 00:27:05,680 Not bleeding, croquet load of old cobblers." 545 00:27:05,681 --> 00:27:08,149 I don't suppose when Habib comes in here with our man, 546 00:27:08,150 --> 00:27:10,318 You'll mind taking half the credit, will you? 547 00:27:10,319 --> 00:27:12,554 No, you'll be in there for the glory, won't you? 548 00:27:12,555 --> 00:27:16,091 On the contrary, Derek, I want no further part of this matter. 549 00:27:16,092 --> 00:27:19,294 So the full and complete credit goes to C.I.D.? 550 00:27:19,295 --> 00:27:21,396 The whole thing is mine? 551 00:27:21,397 --> 00:27:23,831 I shall hold you to that, Raymond. 552 00:27:23,832 --> 00:27:25,700 Oh yes, oh yes. 553 00:27:29,505 --> 00:27:32,139 Evening, Mr. Grim. Evening, Mr. Fowler. 554 00:27:32,140 --> 00:27:34,476 Well, well, well. 555 00:27:34,477 --> 00:27:36,378 Terry the tank. 556 00:27:37,713 --> 00:27:39,681 It seems an arrest has been made already. 557 00:27:39,682 --> 00:27:41,215 Well done, constable. 558 00:27:41,216 --> 00:27:44,285 I shall handle this, Raymond. As agreed. 559 00:27:44,286 --> 00:27:46,320 Sir, I don't think you understand. 560 00:27:46,321 --> 00:27:49,357 She hasn't arrested me. I've arrested her. 561 00:27:49,358 --> 00:27:53,094 On a citizen's arrest. Greedy little copper tart! 562 00:27:53,095 --> 00:27:55,162 Here I was trying to get me leg over, 563 00:27:55,163 --> 00:27:58,466 And all she's interested in is my pump action. 564 00:27:58,467 --> 00:28:00,101 Entrapment, that's what this is. 565 00:28:00,102 --> 00:28:02,804 I want to make a very serious complaint. 566 00:28:02,805 --> 00:28:05,473 Inspector Grim, I believe you were anxious 567 00:28:05,474 --> 00:28:08,209 To take full and complete credit for this operation. 568 00:28:10,145 --> 00:28:11,446 Now's your chance. 569 00:28:12,882 --> 00:28:15,082 I love you. 570 00:28:15,083 --> 00:28:16,317 You know that, don't you? 571 00:28:16,318 --> 00:28:19,253 I love you, I love you, I love you. 572 00:28:19,254 --> 00:28:21,756 You're all I've ever wanted. 573 00:28:21,757 --> 00:28:23,792 Holding you like this in my arms 574 00:28:23,793 --> 00:28:26,928 Makes me the happiest man in the world. 575 00:28:26,929 --> 00:28:29,263 But then you know that, don't you? 576 00:28:29,264 --> 00:28:32,333 And I'll never ever let you go. 577 00:28:32,334 --> 00:28:33,535 Shut up, Raymond. 578 00:28:33,536 --> 00:28:36,471 ( theme music playing ) 9999 00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:02,000 www.subtitleonline.com