1
00:00:02,680 --> 00:00:04,719
[gentle chiming]

2
00:00:06,320 --> 00:00:09,160
[classical music]

3
00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:18,120
What about Tuesday?

4
00:00:18,239 --> 00:00:19,559
Can you do the 11 o'clock mass?

5
00:00:19,679 --> 00:00:20,559
Ted!

6
00:00:20,679 --> 00:00:22,519
I'll do the 11:00 and the 12:00.

7
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:25,960
You should have a rest
after that weekend away.

8
00:00:26,079 --> 00:00:29,839
Well, Paris does tend
to take it out of me.

9
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,079
I'm all for a game.

10
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:32,719
Ted, care to join me?

11
00:00:32,840 --> 00:00:34,119
No thanks, Darren.

12
00:00:34,240 --> 00:00:35,840
What time are we going
to the car for the races?

13
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:38,320
I suppose after lunch.
Oh!

14
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,560
Mrs. Dunn hopes
you like pheasant.

15
00:00:40,679 --> 00:00:43,960
I love pheasant.

16
00:00:44,079 --> 00:00:47,679
This is what it's
all about, fine port,

17
00:00:47,799 --> 00:00:51,880
beautiful surroundings,
and intelligent company.

18
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:56,000
Did you not have all
that at your last parish?

19
00:00:56,119 --> 00:00:57,679
No.

20
00:00:57,799 --> 00:00:59,759
Dublin seems to
suit you, though.

21
00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:02,359
You have got a newfound
gleam in your eye.

22
00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:03,679
Ah, yes.

23
00:01:03,799 --> 00:01:05,200
I should be staying
here for a good while,

24
00:01:05,319 --> 00:01:06,640
as long as I don't
mess it up for myself

25
00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:08,640
by doing something stupid.
[chuckles]

26
00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,319
Most of these accounts
seem in order, Father Smith.

27
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:15,680
But I wonder, could I ask
Father Crilly about one or two

28
00:01:15,799 --> 00:01:19,560
of these things that he's
put down under expenses?

29
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:22,519
Dad!

30
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,519
[theme music]

31
00:01:45,519 --> 00:01:48,359
[helicopter whirring]

32
00:01:51,480 --> 00:01:54,359
[explosion]

33
00:01:57,959 --> 00:02:00,439
[whirring]

34
00:02:01,959 --> 00:02:04,120
What is making that
incredibly annoying noise?

35
00:02:04,239 --> 00:02:05,359
Oh, that's Renaldo.

36
00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:06,680
It was a bit lonely
without you, Ted,

37
00:02:06,799 --> 00:02:09,960
so I got a hamster instead.

38
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,520
Can I ask, though,
does he ever stop

39
00:02:11,639 --> 00:02:13,039
running in that fecking wheel?

40
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:17,000
No.

41
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,039
He's had to use the
wheel ever since he

42
00:02:18,159 --> 00:02:19,120
rode this into his feed tray.

43
00:02:21,919 --> 00:02:23,319
But don't worry, Ted.

44
00:02:23,439 --> 00:02:24,800
I think there's just something
wrong with the brakes.

45
00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:46,280
How long has Father
Jack been living in there?

46
00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,560
He started just a few
days after you left.

47
00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:50,439
Maybe he's agoraphobic.

48
00:02:50,560 --> 00:02:51,639
Jack scared of fighting?

49
00:02:51,759 --> 00:02:54,520
I don't think so, Ted.

50
00:02:54,639 --> 00:02:56,919
[rumbling]

51
00:02:57,039 --> 00:02:57,840
[screaming]

52
00:02:57,960 --> 00:03:00,719
[thumping]

53
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,240
Mrs. Doyle just
fell off the roof.

54
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:08,439
I think I'll go out, Dougal.

55
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,680
Visit Father Fitzpatrick.

56
00:03:10,800 --> 00:03:12,000
I think he has a
book belonging to me.

57
00:03:14,879 --> 00:03:17,360
Let's see, the Humana Vite.

58
00:03:17,479 --> 00:03:19,360
You know, sometimes
I leaf through this

59
00:03:19,479 --> 00:03:24,000
to see just how far we've come.

60
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:26,000
Celebration of the
Christian Mysteries,

61
00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,520
Deus Canada, Ventra Metbelow.

62
00:03:28,639 --> 00:03:29,840
Ah!

63
00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:33,840
Stephen King's The Shining.

64
00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:36,520
Well, thanks for
the tea, Father.

65
00:03:36,639 --> 00:03:40,039
See you the next time we, um--

66
00:03:40,159 --> 00:03:42,479
we, uh-- sorry
about this, Father.

67
00:03:42,599 --> 00:03:45,560
I hope you don't mind me
asking, but what if you

68
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:47,960
got a padlock on that door for?

69
00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:49,960
Is there something
top secret in there?

70
00:03:50,080 --> 00:03:51,240
- My collection.
- Oh, yes.

71
00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,199
That's right.
What is this you collect?

72
00:03:53,319 --> 00:03:54,560
It's war memorabilia.

73
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:55,919
That's right.
Would you like to have a look?

74
00:03:56,039 --> 00:03:56,840
Oh, I'd love to.

75
00:04:00,319 --> 00:04:03,159
[keys rattling]

76
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,960
Taken from the German
advance on Russia.

77
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:12,919
You can see where the hammer
hits the shell casing.

78
00:04:13,039 --> 00:04:15,800
Gosh, that's very interesting.

79
00:04:15,919 --> 00:04:16,839
These are helmets.

80
00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:18,519
Mostly infantry.

81
00:04:18,639 --> 00:04:19,879
Yes.

82
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:21,160
These would be German
as well, wouldn't they?

83
00:04:21,279 --> 00:04:23,079
That's right.

84
00:04:23,199 --> 00:04:24,920
You don't have anything
from the Allied side?

85
00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:26,560
No, no.

86
00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:27,480
That sort of thing wouldn't
interest me at all, I'm afraid.

87
00:04:30,199 --> 00:04:31,000
Right.

88
00:04:38,920 --> 00:04:42,800
That's my curiosity satisfied.

89
00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,360
And this is the
last photograph

90
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:47,040
taken of Herr Hitler.

91
00:04:47,160 --> 00:04:49,480
He's signing a few
death warrants there.

92
00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:54,000
Funny how you get more
right-wing as you get older.

93
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,439
Great, well, great!

94
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:58,079
This is all wonderful stuff.

95
00:04:58,199 --> 00:05:00,839
Now, some people when they
see it, they're not too sure.

96
00:05:00,959 --> 00:05:03,079
But you seem
genuinely interested.

97
00:05:03,199 --> 00:05:04,759
Oh, I am genuinely interested.

98
00:05:04,879 --> 00:05:05,680
MAN: Ahh!

99
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,040
Jesus!

100
00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,439
What you doing here?

101
00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:10,079
I told you no sleeping here.

102
00:05:10,199 --> 00:05:12,480
[man muttering]

103
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,319
This is an old friend
of mine, [inaudible]..

104
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:15,720
[MAN SINGING "DEUTSCHLAND,
DEUTSCHLAND"]

105
00:05:15,839 --> 00:05:18,560
[FATHER FITZPATRICK SPEAKING
GERMAN]

106
00:05:18,760 --> 00:05:21,519
[gentle music]

107
00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:32,000
[metallic thump]

108
00:05:32,120 --> 00:05:34,000
Fake!

109
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,519
Fake!

110
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:36,519
[metallic thump]

111
00:05:36,639 --> 00:05:37,399
Fake!

112
00:05:50,639 --> 00:05:52,439
Ted, look at the table.

113
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:55,079
It's so dirty I can
write my name in it.

114
00:05:55,199 --> 00:05:56,199
There's a G in Dougal.

115
00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:00,319
Where?

116
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:03,160
Right.

117
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:04,279
That's it.

118
00:06:04,399 --> 00:06:05,920
I'm fed up living in filth.

119
00:06:06,040 --> 00:06:08,399
We're just going to have to
get this place clean, Dougal.

120
00:06:08,519 --> 00:06:09,560
And look at you!

121
00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:10,920
Look at that hole
in your tank top.

122
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:12,319
What if the
parishioners saw that?

123
00:06:12,439 --> 00:06:13,480
Where, Ted?

124
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:14,839
Oh, God, would you look at that!

125
00:06:23,879 --> 00:06:24,639
This here.

126
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,160
Look!

127
00:06:26,279 --> 00:06:29,759
A perfectly square bit of
black dirt on the window.

128
00:06:29,879 --> 00:06:31,800
I mean, how could you
get a perfectly square

129
00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:33,360
bit of black dot on a window?

130
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,079
I would have thought that
was practically impossible.

131
00:06:35,199 --> 00:06:37,160
It's just Mrs. Doyle
can't do any cleaning.

132
00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:39,120
Her back is very bad since
she fell off the roof.

133
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:40,040
[screaming]

134
00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,040
[thumping]

135
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:43,160
See?

136
00:06:43,279 --> 00:06:46,240
She can't keep her
balance at all.

137
00:06:46,360 --> 00:06:47,800
That's it, then.

138
00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:50,399
I'm just going to have
to come out and say it.

139
00:06:50,519 --> 00:06:52,360
We're going to have to
clean this place ourselves.

140
00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:53,240
What?

141
00:06:53,360 --> 00:06:54,800
You heard me, Dougal.

142
00:06:54,920 --> 00:06:56,720
Are you with me?
- Well, yeah.

143
00:06:56,839 --> 00:06:58,079
Right then, let's go!

144
00:06:58,199 --> 00:06:59,439
Let's clean this mother!

145
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:00,360
Yeah!

146
00:07:11,319 --> 00:07:14,160
[ted sighing]

147
00:07:23,639 --> 00:07:25,959
[light clinking]

148
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:28,079
Ted, what about that bit
of the lamp that came off?

149
00:07:28,199 --> 00:07:29,279
I could pick that up.

150
00:07:29,399 --> 00:07:30,160
Good idea.

151
00:07:37,079 --> 00:07:39,399
Wow.

152
00:07:39,519 --> 00:07:42,040
I'm bored now.

153
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:43,319
Yeah.

154
00:07:43,439 --> 00:07:45,000
Dougal, look.

155
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:51,879
Oh!

156
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:55,319
Oh oh oh!

157
00:07:55,439 --> 00:07:57,959
I am Chinese if you please!

158
00:07:58,079 --> 00:07:59,519
[chuckling goofily]

159
00:07:59,639 --> 00:08:01,360
Come on, Dougal.
Lighten up!

160
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,240
[laughing heartily]

161
00:08:15,800 --> 00:08:20,879
Who-- who-- who--

162
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:23,040
Dougal, there were
Chinese people there!

163
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:23,959
Oh, right, yeah.

164
00:08:27,319 --> 00:08:28,560
I mean, what--

165
00:08:28,680 --> 00:08:29,519
I mean--

166
00:08:29,639 --> 00:08:31,079
That's the Yin family.

167
00:08:31,199 --> 00:08:33,840
They're living over there
in that old Chinatown area.

168
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,919
Chinatown-- there's a
Chinatown on Craggy Island?

169
00:08:37,039 --> 00:08:39,039
Dougal, I wouldn't have
done a Chinaman impression

170
00:08:39,159 --> 00:08:41,000
if I'd known there was going
to be a Chinaman there to see

171
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,639
me doing a Chinaman impression!

172
00:08:42,759 --> 00:08:43,559
Why not, Ted?

173
00:08:47,080 --> 00:08:48,879
Because it's racist!

174
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,240
They'll think I'm a racist!

175
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:51,519
I'm going to have to
catch up with them

176
00:08:51,639 --> 00:08:52,519
and explain I'm not a racist.

177
00:08:56,440 --> 00:08:58,639
And basically, if I
don't stretch my eyes

178
00:08:58,759 --> 00:09:00,399
like that from time to
time I get this thing

179
00:09:00,519 --> 00:09:02,240
the doctor calls "fat eyes."

180
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,679
[engine roaring]

181
00:09:04,799 --> 00:09:07,080
[father ted shouting]

182
00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:08,919
Thanks, it was wonderful
to see you again, bye!

183
00:09:09,039 --> 00:09:11,759
[music]

184
00:09:14,559 --> 00:09:15,320
Right.

185
00:09:15,440 --> 00:09:16,240
That's that.

186
00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:17,440
That's that, all right.

187
00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:19,440
What's that?

188
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,000
I ordered some new
stuff for the house.

189
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:23,000
Get rid of this old tash.

190
00:09:23,120 --> 00:09:24,679
[exhaling]

191
00:09:24,799 --> 00:09:27,639
Dougal, you don't think I upset
those Chinese people earlier?

192
00:09:27,759 --> 00:09:29,000
I don't know, Ted.

193
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,679
It was like the time we
put on that variety show

194
00:09:30,799 --> 00:09:34,000
and you did that impression
of Stephen Hawking.

195
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:36,320
He was the last person
you'd expect to turn up.

196
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:38,679
That was a million to one shot.

197
00:09:38,799 --> 00:09:42,399
God, he can fairly move in that
wheelchair when he's angry.

198
00:09:42,519 --> 00:09:43,639
Ah, don't worry about it, Ted.

199
00:09:43,759 --> 00:09:44,919
Anyway, who did you phone?
Habitat?

200
00:09:45,039 --> 00:09:45,840
No.

201
00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,279
Habit Hat.

202
00:09:47,399 --> 00:09:49,519
Like Habitat, it sells
soft furnishings,

203
00:09:49,639 --> 00:09:51,039
but also priests' clothes.

204
00:09:51,159 --> 00:09:52,639
Does not get
confused with Habitat?

205
00:09:52,759 --> 00:09:54,039
Though?

206
00:09:54,159 --> 00:09:55,279
No, that's never happened
before, except just

207
00:09:55,399 --> 00:09:58,039
there when you did it.

208
00:09:58,159 --> 00:09:59,759
Anyway what else
did you order?

209
00:09:59,879 --> 00:10:01,279
A priest's socks.

210
00:10:01,399 --> 00:10:02,799
Really black ones.

211
00:10:02,919 --> 00:10:04,279
I read somewhere--

212
00:10:04,399 --> 00:10:05,960
I think it was in an article
about priests' socks--

213
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:09,440
the priests' socks are blacker
than any other type of socks.

214
00:10:09,559 --> 00:10:10,639
That's right, Dougal.

215
00:10:10,759 --> 00:10:11,960
Sometimes you see
laypeople wearing

216
00:10:12,080 --> 00:10:13,639
what look like black socks.

217
00:10:13,759 --> 00:10:15,279
But if you look
closely, you'll see

218
00:10:15,399 --> 00:10:19,279
they're very, very, very, very,
very, very, very dark blue.

219
00:10:19,399 --> 00:10:20,679
Actually, that's true.

220
00:10:20,799 --> 00:10:23,120
I thought my Uncle Tommy
was wearing black socks.

221
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,720
But when I looked
at them closely,

222
00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,320
they were just very, very,
very, very, very, very, very,

223
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:28,519
very, very, very dark blue.

224
00:10:31,399 --> 00:10:33,879
Never buy black
socks in a normal shop.

225
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,559
They'll shaft you every time.

226
00:10:41,919 --> 00:10:44,159
Hello there, Father.

227
00:10:44,279 --> 00:10:46,120
Hello, Colm.

228
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:47,240
Out and about?

229
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:48,159
Ayah.

230
00:10:48,279 --> 00:10:49,960
Same as yourself.

231
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:51,360
Good, good.

232
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:55,720
I hear you're a
racist now, Father.

233
00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:57,159
What, what?

234
00:10:57,279 --> 00:10:59,879
How did you get interested
in that type of thing?

235
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,279
Who said I'm a racist?

236
00:11:01,399 --> 00:11:03,399
Everyone saying it, Father.

237
00:11:03,519 --> 00:11:05,879
Should we all be racist now?

238
00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:08,799
What's the official line
the church has taken?

239
00:11:08,919 --> 00:11:10,080
No, no!

240
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,519
Only the farm takes
up most of the day.

241
00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:15,039
And at night I'd just
like a cup of tea.

242
00:11:15,159 --> 00:11:19,159
I might be able to devote myself
full time to the old racism.

243
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:20,720
Good for you, Father!

244
00:11:20,840 --> 00:11:21,679
What?

245
00:11:21,799 --> 00:11:22,799
Oh, Mrs. Carvey.

246
00:11:22,919 --> 00:11:23,679
[chuckling]

247
00:11:23,799 --> 00:11:25,240
Good for you, Father!

248
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:28,519
That someone had the guts
to stand up to them at last!

249
00:11:28,639 --> 00:11:31,320
Coming over here, taking
our jobs and our women!

250
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:34,600
Our women! like they
own the fecking place!

251
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:36,559
Well done, Father!

252
00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:38,039
Good for you!

253
00:11:38,159 --> 00:11:40,000
Good for you!

254
00:11:40,120 --> 00:11:41,960
I'd like to fecking--

255
00:11:47,519 --> 00:11:49,360
Fecking Greeks!

256
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:50,320
This isn't the Greeks.

257
00:11:50,440 --> 00:11:51,919
This is the Chinese he's after.

258
00:11:52,039 --> 00:11:53,799
I'm not after the Chinese!

259
00:11:53,919 --> 00:11:55,799
I don't care who
he gets as long as I

260
00:11:55,919 --> 00:11:57,120
can have a go at the Greeks!

261
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,159
They invented gayness!

262
00:11:59,279 --> 00:12:01,200
Look, we are not
having a go at anybody!

263
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:03,480
I am not a racist, all right!

264
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:04,919
God!

265
00:12:05,039 --> 00:12:06,840
Fecking Greeks!

266
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,039
How's Mary?

267
00:12:10,159 --> 00:12:10,960
She's fine.

268
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,080
She got that job after.

269
00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,519
Great!

270
00:12:14,639 --> 00:12:15,480
[lively music]

271
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:16,399
Racist!

272
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,799
[lively music]

273
00:12:23,919 --> 00:12:26,759
[music stops suddenly]

274
00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,600
[telephone ringing]

275
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:35,879
Hello?

276
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,440
Hello.

277
00:12:37,559 --> 00:12:39,679
Is that the Yin
Dynasty-- family!

278
00:12:39,799 --> 00:12:40,799
Is that the Yin family?

279
00:12:40,919 --> 00:12:41,679
Yes.

280
00:12:41,799 --> 00:12:44,080
This is Sean Yin.

281
00:12:44,200 --> 00:12:45,639
Father Ted Crilly here.

282
00:12:45,759 --> 00:12:46,840
I think I owe you an apology.

283
00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,519
[bell dinging]

284
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,840
Right, then.
See you in awhile.

285
00:12:58,960 --> 00:12:59,840
Aha, Dougal!

286
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:01,360
That's everything cleared up.

287
00:13:01,480 --> 00:13:03,159
They're coming straight around.

288
00:13:03,279 --> 00:13:04,559
Let's be very nice to them.

289
00:13:04,679 --> 00:13:06,120
And people will stop
saying that I'm a racist.

290
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:07,039
It's great!

291
00:13:07,159 --> 00:13:08,159
Nothing could go wrong.

292
00:13:08,279 --> 00:13:09,320
Fantastic!

293
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,559
So the story is
you're not a racist.

294
00:13:11,679 --> 00:13:12,879
Yes.
What?

295
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:13,639
No!
It's not a story.

296
00:13:13,759 --> 00:13:16,320
I'm not a racist!

297
00:13:16,440 --> 00:13:17,519
Tea, everyone.

298
00:13:17,639 --> 00:13:20,399
[dishes clanking]

299
00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:26,480
Father Crilly, I
hear you're a racist.

300
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:27,799
No, Mrs. Doyle.

301
00:13:27,919 --> 00:13:30,559
He's not a racist.

302
00:13:30,679 --> 00:13:31,440
I am not!

303
00:13:31,559 --> 00:13:33,480
I am not a racist.

304
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,519
Mrs. Doyle, we're going to have
to do something for you back.

305
00:13:35,639 --> 00:13:37,240
You can't go on like this.

306
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:38,320
I'm just going to try something.

307
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,240
No!

308
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,240
Don't worry, Mrs. Doyle.

309
00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:45,240
Oh, no, no, no, no!

310
00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:46,480
Just relax!

311
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:47,440
No!

312
00:13:47,559 --> 00:13:48,320
[mrs. doyle screaming]

313
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:49,799
[neck cracking]

314
00:13:49,919 --> 00:13:51,159
Oh.

315
00:13:51,279 --> 00:13:52,399
Oh, yes.

316
00:13:52,519 --> 00:13:54,879
That's much better.

317
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,720
Are you sure?
You look--

318
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,000
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

319
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,000
This is great!

320
00:13:59,120 --> 00:13:59,919
[chuckling]

321
00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:01,600
I'll be fine now, Father.

322
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:02,480
No!

323
00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:07,159
Seriously, Father.

324
00:14:07,279 --> 00:14:09,360
I feel 20 years younger.

325
00:14:12,320 --> 00:14:14,279
Ted, the Chinese are coming.

326
00:14:14,399 --> 00:14:15,200
Oh, right.

327
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:16,080
Where are they?

328
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,240
Oh, feck it.

329
00:14:17,360 --> 00:14:19,759
This big mark is
still on the window.

330
00:14:19,879 --> 00:14:22,879
Ha, never mind.

331
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:23,879
Hello!

332
00:14:24,000 --> 00:14:25,320
Hello!

333
00:14:25,440 --> 00:14:28,080
I don't know why we have
to talk to this fascist!

334
00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:29,600
Come on now.

335
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:30,639
It may have just been--

336
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,039
[exasperated sigh]

337
00:14:40,159 --> 00:14:41,919
Where are they going?

338
00:14:42,039 --> 00:14:43,519
I invite them around and
they don't even let me

339
00:14:43,639 --> 00:14:45,039
tell them my side of the story!

340
00:14:55,159 --> 00:14:58,039
[music]

341
00:14:59,639 --> 00:15:00,840
This is terrible.

342
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:02,919
People think I'm some
sort of Nazi racist.

343
00:15:03,039 --> 00:15:04,039
And I'm not!

344
00:15:04,159 --> 00:15:05,639
What can I do?

345
00:15:05,759 --> 00:15:07,000
Ted.

346
00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:08,679
Here's an idea, right
off the top of my head.

347
00:15:08,799 --> 00:15:10,480
I haven't thought it through,
so it's probably not brilliant.

348
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,080
But what the hell?

349
00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:13,879
I'll just talk and
see what comes out.

350
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:15,559
Anyway--

351
00:15:15,679 --> 00:15:18,080
What about some sort
of special event

352
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,480
celebrating all the different
cultures on Craggy Island?

353
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:22,159
And then people will
think you're a fantastic

354
00:15:22,279 --> 00:15:23,240
man instead of a big racist.

355
00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:29,919
My God!

356
00:15:30,039 --> 00:15:31,399
What?

357
00:15:31,519 --> 00:15:33,320
That's a good idea!

358
00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:36,200
No, it isn't.

359
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:37,159
It is, Dougal!

360
00:15:37,279 --> 00:15:38,120
It is!

361
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,320
No, Ted.

362
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:40,519
There's probably
something wrong with it.

363
00:15:40,639 --> 00:15:42,559
You just haven't
thought it through.

364
00:15:42,679 --> 00:15:45,559
No, no, Dougal.
You've had a brilliant idea!

365
00:15:45,679 --> 00:15:47,600
But break it down
for me a bit more.

366
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:49,559
What would an event celebrating
all the different cultures

367
00:15:49,679 --> 00:15:51,720
in Craggy Island
actually be like?

368
00:15:51,840 --> 00:15:54,080
What?

369
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:55,600
Well, what would it involve?

370
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:57,200
I mean, celebration, yes.

371
00:15:57,320 --> 00:15:59,480
But what form could it take?

372
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:00,600
Ted, I want out.

373
00:16:04,639 --> 00:16:06,000
What do you mean?

374
00:16:06,120 --> 00:16:09,360
I went to far too soon.

375
00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,279
I didn't know what I
was getting into, Ted.

376
00:16:12,399 --> 00:16:14,240
I didn't know you had to follow
up a good idea with loads

377
00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,559
more little good ideas.

378
00:16:16,679 --> 00:16:17,759
I'm sorry, Ted.

379
00:16:17,879 --> 00:16:20,840
I'm going to sleep
in the spare room.

380
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:21,799
Dougal!

381
00:16:21,919 --> 00:16:22,720
I'm sorry!

382
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:26,679
You old fool.

383
00:16:26,799 --> 00:16:28,559
I've sheltered you for 50 years.

384
00:16:28,679 --> 00:16:30,639
You've never even
made me a cup of tea!

385
00:16:30,759 --> 00:16:31,600
You make the tea.

386
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,840
I do the washing up.

387
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,480
When did you do
the washing up?

388
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,559
I did it for
the whole of 1947!

389
00:16:39,679 --> 00:16:42,399
And again in 1973!

390
00:16:42,519 --> 00:16:43,519
You liar!

391
00:16:43,639 --> 00:16:44,799
You broke all the
plates and then

392
00:16:44,919 --> 00:16:47,480
you went, ah, I am so tired.

393
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,200
I never had to wash up plates
when I was in the warmacht!

394
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:51,080
No, never!

395
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,639
You're driving me insane!

396
00:16:52,759 --> 00:16:53,639
I'm going to take a Valium.

397
00:16:53,759 --> 00:16:54,879
Oh, I want one, too.

398
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:56,879
Oh, why must you
ape everything I do?

399
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,279
Wait.

400
00:17:02,399 --> 00:17:04,359
These aren't Valium!

401
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:08,039
These are the cyanide
we kept for emergencies!

402
00:17:08,160 --> 00:17:11,440
You put cyanide next to
the Valium, you old fool!

403
00:17:11,559 --> 00:17:12,559
That's asking for trouble.

404
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:13,440
Oh, shut up.

405
00:17:13,559 --> 00:17:14,559
You shut up!

406
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:16,119
We've only got 50
seconds to live!

407
00:17:16,240 --> 00:17:17,359
That is just fine by me!

408
00:17:17,480 --> 00:17:18,960
Good!
Fine by me, too.

409
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:20,440
Good!
I'm glad it is.

410
00:17:20,559 --> 00:17:21,599
Well, I'm glad
you're glad it is.

411
00:17:21,720 --> 00:17:22,519
Good!

412
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:23,960
Good!

413
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:26,920
[thumping]

414
00:17:27,039 --> 00:17:29,880
[somber music]

415
00:17:38,359 --> 00:17:40,440
MRS. DOYLE: Oh, holy
Mary mother of God

416
00:17:40,559 --> 00:17:44,640
and Jesus and his blessed
saints oh holy Mary--

417
00:17:44,759 --> 00:17:45,640
I'm cured!

418
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,079
What happened, Mrs. Doyle?

419
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,519
I stepped on
the hamster's bike

420
00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,319
and fell down the
stairs, Father.

421
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,119
Dougal, I thought I told you
to put away that bike safely.

422
00:17:57,240 --> 00:17:58,119
I did, Ted.

423
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,519
I put it back in the cage.

424
00:17:59,640 --> 00:18:00,440
Oh, no, no, no.

425
00:18:00,559 --> 00:18:01,599
Don't worry, Father.

426
00:18:01,720 --> 00:18:02,519
It's great!

427
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:04,480
I feel fantastic!

428
00:18:04,599 --> 00:18:06,240
I'd completely forgotten
that I can turn

429
00:18:06,359 --> 00:18:08,640
my head right around like this!

430
00:18:08,759 --> 00:18:09,559
All right.

431
00:18:09,680 --> 00:18:10,920
Well, listen.

432
00:18:11,039 --> 00:18:12,559
That stuff from Habit
Hat is arriving today.

433
00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:15,519
So when it comes, give Father
Jack-- where is Father Jack?

434
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,559
I think he's up the chimney.

435
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:18,720
Right.
But--

436
00:18:18,839 --> 00:18:20,160
Will I burn him out, Father?

437
00:18:20,279 --> 00:18:21,480
Oh, good God, no.

438
00:18:21,599 --> 00:18:22,480
The smoke would back up.

439
00:18:22,599 --> 00:18:25,039
It would be all over the house.

440
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:29,319
Anyway, when that stuff comes,
put it all up, all the--

441
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:33,880
new rugs and the things
for the chairs and the--

442
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,680
that's your thing, really.

443
00:18:35,799 --> 00:18:39,480
I wouldn't know about that sort
of stuff because I'm a man.

444
00:18:39,599 --> 00:18:41,480
Anyway, we're off to the
celebration of Craggy

445
00:18:41,599 --> 00:18:43,279
Island's ethnic diversity.

446
00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,759
["KUNG FU FIGHTING" BY CARL
DOUGLAS PLAYING]

447
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:53,240
Everybody was kung fu fighting

448
00:18:53,359 --> 00:18:56,240
Those kicks were
fast as lightning

449
00:18:56,359 --> 00:18:59,240
[applause]

450
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,240
Welcome.

451
00:19:01,359 --> 00:19:02,680
Willkommen.

452
00:19:02,799 --> 00:19:04,799
[speaking foreign language]

453
00:19:06,160 --> 00:19:07,759
It's a great honor
and privilege for me

454
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,960
to present this celebration of
the wide diversity of cultures

455
00:19:11,079 --> 00:19:13,440
that exist today
on Craggy Island,

456
00:19:13,559 --> 00:19:17,759
namely Chinese people and
people from Craggy Island.

457
00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:21,000
I've prepared a short slide
presentation which reflects

458
00:19:21,119 --> 00:19:22,680
this multicultural mix.

459
00:19:22,799 --> 00:19:25,000
So without further ado, let's,
uh, let's start the show.

460
00:19:32,279 --> 00:19:34,079
This man visited the
island a few years ago.

461
00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:35,759
I forget his name now.

462
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:40,079
But I got on very well with him,
so I just show it at this time.

463
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,720
Will there be any
free drink at this?

464
00:19:42,839 --> 00:19:44,319
Yes, there will
be a limited supply

465
00:19:44,440 --> 00:19:46,720
of free drink afterwards.

466
00:19:46,839 --> 00:19:49,680
The Great Wall of
China, a miracle

467
00:19:49,799 --> 00:19:51,720
of Chinese engineering
so big you can see

468
00:19:51,839 --> 00:19:53,400
it from anywhere in the world.

469
00:19:56,640 --> 00:20:00,440
Chairman Mao, secretary of
the Communist Party of China.

470
00:20:00,559 --> 00:20:01,680
One of the biggest
communist parties

471
00:20:01,799 --> 00:20:04,119
in the world, and in
my view, the best.

472
00:20:07,119 --> 00:20:09,119
Mr. Miyagi from The Karate Kid.

473
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:11,720
One of my favorite films,
not because of the Karate Kid

474
00:20:11,839 --> 00:20:14,680
himself, but because
of Mr. Miyagi.

475
00:20:14,799 --> 00:20:16,559
Not a day goes by when
I don't remember one

476
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:19,839
of his many words of wisdom.

477
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:20,720
Kettle!

478
00:20:20,839 --> 00:20:21,720
[chuckling]

479
00:20:21,839 --> 00:20:23,720
Where will he spring from next?

480
00:20:28,039 --> 00:20:29,920
The Maori.

481
00:20:30,039 --> 00:20:31,039
I'm sorry.

482
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,160
I don't know how
that got in there.

483
00:20:32,279 --> 00:20:33,519
[clearing throat]

484
00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:35,000
Of course, there are no
Maoris on Craggy Island.

485
00:20:38,039 --> 00:20:38,880
Ming the Merciless.

486
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,799
Best of all, the Chinese
people themselves.

487
00:20:45,920 --> 00:20:46,799
Look at them there.

488
00:20:46,920 --> 00:20:49,440
Aren't they great?

489
00:20:49,559 --> 00:20:51,119
The Chinese.

490
00:20:51,240 --> 00:20:52,279
A great bunch of lads.

491
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:53,839
[chuckling]
Right.

492
00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,799
I think I've addressed all
aspects of Chinese culture.

493
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:59,720
And I'd like to thank you all
for coming here tonight and--

494
00:20:59,839 --> 00:21:01,119
[inaudible]

495
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:03,519
Just come up and
have a little chat.

496
00:21:03,640 --> 00:21:06,359
[lively music]

497
00:21:06,480 --> 00:21:10,359
Well, the slide show
was a big pile of crap.

498
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:12,440
The free drink?

499
00:21:12,559 --> 00:21:14,359
Very much appreciated.

500
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:15,440
Thank you, Father Crilly.

501
00:21:15,559 --> 00:21:16,720
Yes.

502
00:21:16,839 --> 00:21:18,599
Well, I just wanted
to clear things up.

503
00:21:18,720 --> 00:21:19,759
I'm not a fascist.

504
00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:21,240
I'm a priest.

505
00:21:21,359 --> 00:21:22,839
Fascists dress in black and
go around telling people

506
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:27,279
what to do, whereas priests--

507
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:28,160
More drink!

508
00:21:28,279 --> 00:21:29,079
MEN: Hooray!

509
00:21:38,359 --> 00:21:39,319
Anywhere, there.

510
00:21:43,599 --> 00:21:45,119
- Would you like a cup of tea?
- Oh, no.

511
00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:46,599
No, thanks.
No.

512
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,519
I have a kind of allergic
reaction to it, you know.

513
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,440
It's very rare,
but pretty serious.

514
00:21:50,559 --> 00:21:52,640
If I drink tea there's
a 70% chance I'll die.

515
00:21:52,759 --> 00:21:55,440
Well, I'll make
you a cup anyway.

516
00:21:55,559 --> 00:21:58,640
In case you change your mind.

517
00:21:58,759 --> 00:21:59,519
Thanks anyway.

518
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:10,960
To China!

519
00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:13,079
MEN: Hooray!

520
00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:14,680
To Craggy Island!

521
00:22:14,799 --> 00:22:16,160
MEN: Hooray!

522
00:22:16,279 --> 00:22:17,039
More drink!

523
00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:18,440
MEN: Hooray!

524
00:22:18,559 --> 00:22:19,319
I'm sorry.

525
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:20,559
The bar's closed.

526
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:21,839
MEN: Hooray!

527
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:23,359
Tell you what.

528
00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:25,599
How about everyone comes
back to my place for a drink?

529
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:26,640
MEN: Hooray!

530
00:22:26,759 --> 00:22:27,759
Wait.

531
00:22:27,880 --> 00:22:28,799
I need to go to
the toilet first.

532
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:31,680
MEN: Hooray!

533
00:22:31,799 --> 00:22:32,720
Hooray!

534
00:22:32,839 --> 00:22:33,680
[father ted chuckling]

535
00:22:33,799 --> 00:22:36,079
Mrs. Doyle, we have guests.

536
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:36,960
Did that stuff arrive?

537
00:22:37,079 --> 00:22:38,640
Yes.

538
00:22:38,759 --> 00:22:40,079
And I felt so fantastic, I put
it all up in less than an hour.

539
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:41,000
[chuckling]

540
00:22:41,119 --> 00:22:44,359
And there was this letter.

541
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:45,880
Dear Father Crilly.

542
00:22:46,000 --> 00:22:47,799
On the instructions of our
recently deceased client,

543
00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:49,799
Father Seamus
Fitzpatrick, here are

544
00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:51,720
some items which he
specified you should

545
00:22:51,839 --> 00:22:53,319
have in the event of his death.

546
00:23:00,799 --> 00:23:03,599
[bell dinging]

547
00:23:12,079 --> 00:23:13,359
I can explain everything.

548
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:19,480
Actually no, I can't.

549
00:23:19,599 --> 00:23:22,240
[telephone ringing]

550
00:23:22,359 --> 00:23:23,160
Hello?

551
00:23:23,279 --> 00:23:24,799
Sorry again.

552
00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:26,960
And-- and most importantly, have
you opened that present yet?

553
00:23:27,079 --> 00:23:28,119
No.

554
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,880
I'm looking forward
to it, though.

555
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:31,559
A year's supply of whiskey!

556
00:23:31,680 --> 00:23:33,440
How very generous!

557
00:23:33,559 --> 00:23:35,200
Yes, the problem
there is basically,

558
00:23:35,319 --> 00:23:36,799
you see, there's been a
bit of a change of plan.

559
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:49,119
[music]

560
00:24:19,440 --> 00:24:22,160
[gentle chiming]