EUGENE: That's a nice dress you're wearing this morning, Misty.
MISTY: Thanks, Dad.
- Want the entertainment section? - CHIP: Not yet, Dad, thanks.
Got any donuts?
Of course not, Chip.
You know they're bad for the teeth.
Always the dentist.
Who wants fruit salad?
Oh, I do, please.
Misty, that's not gum in your mouth, is it?
It's sugarless.
Misty, you know how I hate gum. All that chomping and chewing.
I'm sorry, Mom.
All right.
- MISTY: Hey, Chip. - Mmm?
You think I could get 50 cents for Village People on vinyl?
You might get a buck.
Carl can't believe how much I make at swap meets.
Who, may I ask, is Carl?
Just a boy.
He's picking me up this morning.
Here we go again.
He's really cute.
Misty, cute is not enough. You know that.
She sure can pick them.
He goes to college with me.
Leave her alone, Chip. I think it's great Misty's got a new beau.
Chip, honey?
Thanks, Mom.
(FLY BUZZING)
EUGENE: Listen to this.
"Hillside Strangler gets his college degree in prison."
That's nice, dear.
Nice? He should have been executed.
CHIP: Yeah, the death penalty.
He killed people, Mom.
We all have our bad days.
You'd probably date him. "He's cute!"
(LAUGHS GOOFILY)
EUGENE: All right, that's enough.
CHIP: Hey, Dad, have you ever seen Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer?
MISTY: Oh, sure, Chip.
I most certainly have not.
(BUZZING CONTINUES)
You've been working in that video shop too long.
CHIP: Mind your own business.
EUGENE: Well, it better hadn't be interfering with your schoolwork.
I do great in school, Dad.
Well, your mother has PTA today.
We'll see what your teacher has to say.
Oh, Mom, I hate Mr. Stubbins.
Don't say "hate," dear. Hate is a very serious word.
There! Scrambled eggs, anybody?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Who on earth...
- Mrs. Sutphin? - Yes.
I'm Detective Pike. This is Detective Gracey.
Oh, come in.
I'm Dr. Eugene Sutphin. What seems to be the trouble, Officers?
Is there a killer loose?
No, son. Nothing that exciting.
Oh, this is our son, Chip, and our daughter, Misty.
Hi.
CHIP: Jeez...
Oh.
Officer, I'm sorry, but we don't allow gum in this house.
Sorry, ma'am.
We're investigating obscene phone calls and mail threats
to a certain Mrs. Dottie Hinkle.
I know Dottie.
She lives right down the street.
Could you take a look at this and...
Tell us of anyone who might be responsible?
I should warn you, this note contains language.
BEVERLY: Oh, my!
That... That is the limit.
Let me see.
No, Son. This is a matter for adults.
Officers, I have never even said the "P" word out loud,
let alone have written it down.
No woman would.
Officers, life doesn't have to be ugly.
See, look at the birds out there.
Listen to their call...
(MIMICS CHIRPING)
(HORN HONKING)
Chip, there's your ride.
Hey, I'm gonna be late for work. Goodbye, honey.
Okay.
Excuse me.
EUGENE: Hi, Scotty.
Thanks for your time, everybody.
Bye, Detective Pike.
EUGENE: Hi, Birdie!
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Sutphin.
That's Birdie. She's a horror nut, just like my son.
Oh, Birdie, this is Detective Gracey and Detective Pike.
Hiya, boys.
BEVERLY: Bye-bye, honey!
Good morning, Scott.
Hey, Misty, look what I got. A Pee-Wee Herman doll.
Can you sell it for me at the flea market?
Wow! Still in the box! I sure can!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Oh, God, here comes Carl.
You must be Mrs. Sutphin. Carl Pageant.
Oh, yes. Misty's date.
Well, more of a friend, really.
- Take it easy, man. - Bye.
See what Birdie gave me to sell at the flea market?
That guy's a weirdo. Come on, let's go.
I'll take it.
- Bye, Mom. - Bye, honey.
Oh, Detectives? Here's something you should be interested in.
A grown boy who doesn't wear his seatbelt.
Christ, that one was Beaver Cleaver's mother.
(MIMICS BEVERLY CHIRPING)
Oh, leave her alone.
Mrs. Sutphin's about as normal and nice a lady
as we're ever gonna find.
(RINGING)
Hello?
(IN GRUFF VOICE) Is this the Cocksucker residence?
God damn you! Stop calling here.
Isn't this 4215 Pussy Way?
You bitch!
Now let me check the zip code. 212-fuck you!
Beverly? Beverly, darling? You home?
The police are tracing this call this very minute.
Well, Dottie Hinkle, then why aren't they here, huh, fuck-face?
Fuck you!
Beverly, you home?
I know you are.
Beverly?
Hmm.
(PHONE RINGING)
Didn't I just say fuck you?
I beg your pardon.
Who is this?
Mrs. Wilson from the telephone company.
I understand you're having problems with an obscene phone caller?
Yes, I am. I'm sorry, Mrs. Wilson, but this is driving me crazy.
I've had my number changed twice already.
I'm a divorced woman. Please help me.
Beverly?
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Well, what exactly does this sick individual say to you?
I can't say the words out loud. I don't use bad language.
Oh, well, I know it's difficult, but we need to know the exact words.
I'll try.
Cocksucker. That's what she calls me.
Listen to your filthy mouth, you fucking whore!
God damn you!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Motherfucker.
Cocksucker!
- Beverly? - Rosemary.
Are you all right?
Oh, yes, of course. I'm fine.
Oh, how nice. You remembered.
It's the least I could do.
I heard shouting.
Oh, it's that cable TV company.
You know how they are.
Did you hear about poor Dottie Hinkle?
Yes, I did. It's terrifying.
The police were at my house this morning.
Now who on earth would want to harass poor Dottie Hinkle?
Bye-bye.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
But, Mr. Stubbins, my son studies every night.
He's trying as hard as he can.
Well, some teenagers just aren't college material, Mrs. Taplotter.
It's nothing to cry over.
Now, there are other parents waiting.
Thank you for taking the time to come to PTA.
- Hi, Betty. - Oh, hi, Beverly.
Oh, I love your outfit.
Oh, thanks.
- Hi. - WOMAN: Hi.
Liz Claiborne.
Well, Mrs. Sutphin, where's that husband of yours?
Feeling a little down in the mouth?
Oh, Ralph. You're so funny.
Oh, brother.
Mrs. Sutphin?
Yes, right here.
(WHISPERING)
Mrs. Sutphin, I'm Paul Stubbins, Chip's math teacher.
Oh, it's so nice to meet you.
Here's a little something that I made.
Oh.
Fruitcake. Well, thank you, Mrs. Sutphin.
Have a seat.
(BIDDING GOOD APPETITE IN FRENCH)
Oh, yes.
Well, Chip's off to a fine start this year.
He's focused, conscientious, he participates actively in classroom discussions...
He's a good boy.
There is one big problem, though.
What is it?
His unhealthy obsession with sick horror films.
Oh, no.
Chip's the assistant manager at a video store...
That's no excuse for a morbid imagination.
I caught him drawing this in class last week.
Is there a problem at home?
Of course not.
Divorce? Alcoholic relative?
Tell me, did Chip torture animals when he was young?
No, he did not.
Mr. Stubbins, we are a loving and supportive family.
Well, you're doing something wrong, Mrs. Sutphin.
I'd recommend therapy for your son.
Thank you for taking the time to come to PTA.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
(THUDDING)
(BIRDIE LAUGHING)
- Watch this. - No, thanks.
Scotty, watch this.
BIRDIE: It's a sheep's tongue.
This shit is sickening. Come on, put on some pussy.
Look, dickhead...
(GROANS IN DISGUST)
Blood Feast.
The Citizen Kane of gore movies.
(GROANS)
(SCREAMS)
I don't know what it is about today, but I feel great! Cookie?
Excuse me, Mrs. Sutphin.
- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Mrs. Sutphin.
Hi, guys.
CHIP: Look how fake that looks.
Oh, you kids. Here, have a cookie and run on home.
But, Mom, the video's not over.
Don't you "but, Mom" me.
Mr. Stubbins seems to think that these silly movies
are interfering with your schoolwork.
BIRDIE: Oh, boy.
Mom, Mr. Stubbins sucks.
Man! That one made me puke!
It's supposed to make you puke.
You forgot something.
Are we leaving?
Yes, you are.
Bye, Mrs. Sutphin.
Bye, Birdie.
Bye, Bird-Brain. See you, Scotty.
Now, Chip, honey, I know how hard it is being a teenager.
I understand. I'm your mother and I love you.
Mom...
Oh, could we watch that scene again?
You know the one, where he rips her heart out? Please?
Ladies and gentlemen, the perfect meatloaf.
It looks good, Mom.
Nothing like a home-cooked meal, honey.
Oh, Misty, I made you your favorite, sesame broccoli.
You know, Carl says if I lose 10 pounds,
he'll take me to the University of Maryland Memorial Day Beach Blast.
Well, honey, I think that's great if you wanna lose weight,
but I think you should do it for yourself, not for some boy you hardly even know.
Carl's a jerk.
He certainly drives like a jerk.
Carl makes me happy and that threatens this family, doesn't it?
It doesn't threaten me, honey. I'm happy.
BEVERLY: I'm happy, too.
We just want you to be happy.
I'm so happy I could shit.
Chip, you know how I hate the brown word.
Beverly! Beverly!
(PANTING)
Beverly!
That's Rosemary. Something must be wrong.
Turn on the news. A teacher at your school has been murdered.
- Murdered? - Who?
A Mr. Stuber or Stubin...
Mr. Stubbins!
That's my math teacher. Dad...
Which channel?
It's on all of them!
Police claim the driver of the hit-and-run vehicle
(PHONE RINGING)
- ran down the teacher in cold blood. - Hello?
- Did you hear? - What happened?
This is so cool. It's just like a horror movie.
- It's on. I'll call you back. - Okay, bye.
Mr. Paul Stubbins was 38 years old.
Whoever did this should get the death penalty.
So far only one eyewitness has surfaced.
Young lady, what did you see?
It was a blue car.
That's Lu-Ann Hodges.
She's a stoner.
A what?
CHIP: A pothead, Mom.
A blue station wagon.
That's like your car, Beverly.
Rosemary, I'm not that bad a driver.
In a second, man.
It flattened Mr. Stubbins just like a pancake!
Oh, God, man, puke time, man.
Oh, look at her hair.
Blood was all over the place and...
Turn it off, honey.
I can't believe Mr. Stubbins is dead.
You said you hated him.
Well, he was an asshole, but he didn't deserve to die.
I can't stop thinking about that poor teacher.
Well, good night, honey.
Good night, dear.
Don't read too late.
We've got a big day with the birds tomorrow.
Oh, I've identified
every little birdie that we're gonna see tomorrow on the Eastern Shore.
Good night, honey.
Hey, don't I get a good night kiss?
I thought with all this sadness, you wouldn't wanna...
We have to concentrate on life, Eugene.
It's all right with me, Beverly.
You want to, honey?
(WHISPERING) You think the kids are awake?
We could be very quiet.
I love that you're my wife.
You're not so bad yourself, cuckoo bird.
You bring me such peace.
(MOANING)
(SHUSHING)
(MOANING)
Don't wake the kids.
(MOANING)
Oh, honey, you are hot tonight.
Oh, yeah!
Quiet!
Oh, yeah!
(MOANING CONTINUES)
BEVERLY: Yeah!
Oh, get it! Honey, I'm ready!
Now! Now...
BEVERLY: Oh, yeah! Yes!
EUGENE: Now!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Oh, there's DeeDee. Oh, she's my favorite starling.
She's here every morning for breakfast.
Well, honey, starlings are originally from Europe, you know.
No wonder DeeDee's hungry.
It's a long journey all the way here to Baltimore.
(INAUDIBLE)
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Eugene, this is Ralph Sterner. I've got a dental emergency here.
I mean, this goddamn tooth is killing me.
Well, Mr. Sterner, if you'll just call my office,
I'm sure we can see you on Monday.
Monday?
Eugene, this is Betty Sterner.
He'll die by Monday.
I mean, the roots are infected.
He might have a heart attack.
All right, Mrs. Sterner. 10:00.
I'm sorry, honey, but the birds will still be there next week.
It's okay. I understand.
I'll go fix breakfast.
Chip!
God! Mom, what's the matter?
Oh, it's just time to get up, that's all. I don't want you to be late for work.
You scared me.
Misty, honey, what's wrong?
I'm stood up.
I'll kill that bastard.
I mean it.
He should be dead, that lousy creep.
He told me he'd be here. I'll kill him.
Don't use words unless you mean them, Misty, honey.
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - It's him!
No, no. It's the police.
Good morning, Officers.
Good morning, Mrs. Sutphin.
Hi, Detective Pike.
Morning, Misty.
Mrs. Sutphin, I presume you know about the death of Mr. Stubbins.
Oh, yes, yes. A fine man, a good teacher.
Contusions, fractures, rupture of numerous vital organs.
What a mess.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Oh, no, no, honey. That's Scotty.
Scotty, who doesn't wear his seatbelt.
Good morning, Detectives.
Nightmare on Calverton Court.
The Maryland Teacher Massacre.
GRACEY: It's not funny, son.
Did you drive your car to the PTA meeting yesterday, Mrs. Sutphin?
Yes, I did.
Detectives, what is this all about?
I know this sounds weird, Mr. Sutphin,
but the Department of Motor Vehicles computer shows only one blue station wagon
registered to a parent of any of Mr. Stubbins' pupils.
Surely, you don't think that Beverly was involved in this?
She did it!
Aimed the car right at Mr. Stubbins and mowed him down!
(LAUGHING)
Shut up, Scotty.
Well, as I understand it, the only eyewitness was a drug user.
I got somebody you could run over, Mother.
EUGENE: Misty, that's a terrible thing to say.
Detectives, it's time for you to leave.
My wife knows nothing about this terrible accident.
Murder, honey.
Oh! Now here's a babe.
Let's see that, young man.
"P," as in...
People who don't mind their own business.
Darling, it's Rosemary Ackerman's.
Oh, you can tell by the subscription label.
I don't like to read about movies. They're so violent.
Besides, I always recycle my magazines.
(SHOUTS)
- (DAYBREAK PLAYING ON TAPE) - (SINGING) Daybreak if you wanna believe
It can be daybreak Ain't no time to grieve
'Cause it's daybreak If you'll only believe
And let it shine, shine, shine
Wait for me, boys! Here! All rinsed and ready to recycle.
Morning, Mrs. Sutphin.
Good morning, Gus. Good morning, Sloppy.
You know, you boys work so hard for the environment,
I thought I'd bring you something.
A little drink never hurt anybody.
Thank you, ma'am.
Damn, that's good stuff.
You believe that goddamn litterbugger?
I have told her and told her.
It takes 90 to 100 years for a tin canto decompose
and she still won't recycle.
It cost the taxpayers millions of dollars last year,
but she don't care nothing about the national budget.
I hate Mrs. Ackerman.
I hate her, too.
I hate her guts.
You know, somebody ought to kill her.
Yeah.
Give her a
(MIMICS FLESH CUTTING)
happy face, and then recycle her.
For the sake of this planet, somebody just might.
But your boyfriend was convicted of killing 12 people.
I don't judge him.
(AUDIENCE GASPING)
I just don't get it. I mean, how can you love a mass murderer?
Easy. He's handsome, he's famous and we get conjugal visits.
(SIGHS)
Serial hags. Women who love men who mutilate.
We'll be right back after this, so please stay tuned.
Turn it off. Violence is everywhere these days.
It's just Beverly.
Come in, Beverly!
Oh, she scared me.
- Hi! - Hi, Rosemary.
Would you like a beer?
Oh, no, no. Not me. Thank you. Just a little coffee.
Oh, Dottie, I'm so sorry. I heard about your troubles.
DOTTIE: It's not fair.
No.
Mmm. Oh, thank you.
Are those pussy willows?
BETTY: Dried ones.
Aren't they pretty?
What did you just say?
Pussy willows, Dottie.
Oh, my goodness! What are you doing?
I didn't do it!
My Franklin Mint Fabergé egg!
Dottie didn't mean to be such a clumsy ox.
You're sorry aren't you, Dottie?
Rosemary, I did not break your egg!
She did!
Dottie, you could at least apologize.
I collect Franklin Mint!
Well, we'll go right to the antique market and we'll find you another one.
Now, Misty tells me there's a whole booth filled with Franklin Mint stuff.
- But... - Dottie, you'll lock up, won't you?
- But... But... - I'll take care of poor Rosemary.
But I heard her voice. It's her!
(MOANING)
(YELPS)
Mr. Sterner, you've lost a tiny filling.
I have to drill deeply enough to remove all the decay.
All right, go ahead, but be careful. It really hurts.
Open... Wider... Very wide.
(DRILLING CONTINUES)
(RALPH GROANING)
Mrs. Sterner, you can't go back there. Mrs. Sterner...
God damn you! You're trying to hurt me on purpose.
Are you okay, Ralph?
Mrs. Sterner, please stay in the waiting room.
Help me, Betty, he's worse than the dentist in The Marathon Man.
I'm sorry to interrupt, Doctor Sutphin,
but there are two police detectives waiting to see you in your office.
Fine.
Good morning. What is it, Officers?
My patient is waiting.
Doctor Sutphin, is your wife a big reader?
Bird books, mostly.
Like these we found in her garbage.
Urge to Kill, Mass Murder in Houston?
I'm sure those are my son Chip's books.
No, they're your wife's.
We checked.
She bought them at the Browse and Learn Book Shop,
along with a few other titles.
Helter Skelter. Hunting Humans.
MasterCard reference number 7876, dated February 5th.
This is ridiculous!
Doctor Sutphin, is your wife mental?
(GNAT BUZZING)
Damn these gnats. I hate them.
Always something, isn't it? Can I help you?
Thanks for not buying anything.
Misty, honey. Now lighten up.
It's not the customer's fault that Carl stood you up.
Young man, this Fabergé egg is chipped.
Yes, ma'am, it is.
I'll give you $50.
That's a Franklin Mint piece. $100.
$100? Franklin Mint or not, that's damaged goods.
(SCOFFS)
VENDOR: Hello. This is a very special doll.
This veil is from a gown that came from a bride who was left at the altar.
Only one of its kind.
I'll take this instead.
Oh, that's a nice one, huh?
It'll be cold before you know it.
$3? I guess that's how I must have marked it.
- Thank you. - Thank you.
(HUMMING)
Did you find your Franklin Mint egg, Rosemary, darling?
Well, I saw one, but it was really overpriced.
Oh, want me to keep this under the table for you?
If you don't mind. It was on sale.
Oh, Franklin Mint.
Honey, please, for my bedroom shelf.
CARL: Okay. Wrap it up for the little lady.
- VENDOR: Here you go. - Thank you.
GIRL: I'm thirsty.
What do you want?
The Colts.
Banner, please. Thank you.
Honey, I have to take a piss.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(THUDDING)
(GROANS IN DISGUST)
(GRUNTS)
There you go.
I can't believe it. It's fucking Don Knotts.
- He's the coolest. Thanks. - Bye.
Honey! Look! I made a killing.
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(PEOPLE MURMURING IN CONCERN)
Mom, watch the booth.
I want to see what's going on.
Sure.
I hope nothing's wrong.
Beverly, honey, you've got some doo-doo on your shoe.
(GROANING IN DISGUST)
I hate that.
There was a lady in the men's room, I swear.
A pretty little lady in the stall right next to me.
(SCREAMING)
She must know him.
Carl!
- WOMAN 1: What happened? - WOMAN 2: I don't know...
That's $158.
New York money good enough for you?
Certainly.
Thank you.
Mother! Mother, it's Carl.
He's dead.
How horrible.
Oh, I just sold the Pee-Wee Herman doll.
Mother, didn't you hear me?
Someone murdered Carl in the men's room. I just saw his dead body.
You got your wish, dear.
I didn't wish that. I didn't want him dead.
Beverly, it's me, Ted Bundy.
It's late at night, six days before my execution
and it's lonely here on death row.
REPORTER ON RADIO: Updating the story of the hour,
the young man brutally murdered a short time ago in the men's room
of the Antique Traders Mart
has been identified as 22-year-old Carl Pageant of Towson.
(ALL GROANING IN DISGUST)
No, no, no! No!
Chip! Our mother is Charles Manson.
I'm not kidding.
Carl stood me up this morning and then he was murdered at the flea market.
- Murdered? - Yes, murdered!
You said you hated your teacher yesterday and he was murdered, too.
Look, I don't know. Maybe Mom's nuts.
That's a cool idea, Misty.
Hey, let's make a gore movie about Mom, better yet, a TV series.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, can I borrow your mother?
My aunt's coming over for dinner
and she's always getting on my nerves.
My stepfather's an asshole.
- She could kill him. - CHIP: How about Mrs. Ackerman?
We all hate her. Who's gonna be the next victim?
No, stop it! It's not funny.
Mom might do it. Somebody else might die.
Dinner is served.
Let's say grace and pray for the strength
to understand the terrible tragedies of the last few days.
Amen to that.
It's been a crazy day, hasn't it?
Bless, O Lord, this food to our use and our self to Thy service.
- Amen. - Amen.
Hungry, honey?
Dottie Hinkle was right. It is Beverly Sutphin.
I tell you, I saw blood right there on the bottom of her shoes.
Not exactly blood... it was gore, hanging there like a runny nose.
Nice as pie, she was to me. And then I hear her say it.
Say what, ma'am?
"Are those..." I can't say the word out loud.
Could you tell a policewoman the exact words she used?
Maybe.
It's okay. Nobody's gonna hurt you.
Come on. Let it out.
"Pussy," that's what she said to me. "Pussy willows."
- You know, Mom... - Mmm?
Scotty thinks you're the killer.
Does he?
You know, for somebody who doesn't wear his seatbelt, Scotty sure is nosy.
Oh, just a second.
(CAR TIRES SCREECHING)
(ANOTHER CAR REVVING)
She's gone!
She's gonna kill Scotty!
Get in the car, both of you.
Dad, you don't think she did it, do you?
I do. Mom's gone crazy.
Your mother may have some problems. That's all, Chip.
Come on, hurry.
(SIREN WAILING)
Detective Gracey and all units.
Suspect's family headed east on Calverton.
Repeat, east on Calverton.
Turn right on Timonium Road, Dad.
- I will, I will. - Hurry.
- (DAYBREAK PLAYING) - (SINGING) Daybreak if you'll only believe
It can be daybreak Ain't no time to grieve
'Cause it's daybreak If you'll only believe
And let it shine, shine, shine...
If Mom is psycho, Scotty will still be okay, won't he?
We hope so, Son.
And no matter what your mother is, we'll love her anyway.
(RAUNCHY MUSIC PLAYING)
This is Scotty's, Dad. His parents aren't home. Come on.
Scotty?
(SHUSHING)
(PANTS UNZIPPING)
What was that?
I didn't hear anything.
Got any dessert?
Doctor Sutphin said no sweets for you.
Yeah, well, what's he know?
How to send a bill!
I'll get the door.
Suspect's family entering house.
Send backup to 400 Sycamore Street.
I have a feeling old Mom's inside.
(MOANING)
AUDIENCE: Wheel of Fortune!
Ralph, Wheel of Fortune's on!
I'm still eating!
ANNOUNCER ON TV: The world's most popular game show...
Come on up, honey, before the kids get home.
WOMAN: May I have a "P"?
PAT SAJAK: Mmm-hmm. A couple of "P's."
Ralph!
What is it, Betty?
I think we've got mice or something.
No, no, no. We paid the exterminator.
(BURPS)
(MOANING)
(MOUSE SQUEAKING)
(EXCLAIMING)
Betty?
(SCREAMING)
It's upstairs.
I'm going in. Over.
It's the door on the left.
(SCOTTY MOANING)
Break it down, Dad. Break it down!
Scotty, man...
Police! Freeze!
(GROANS)
Betty? Betty, answer me!
Ralph...
(SCREAMING)
Help! Help me! Help me, please! Please!
Help me, somebody!
(GROANS IN DISGUST)
Home, sweet home! Everything's fine, kids.
I can't believe I thought my own mother was a murderess.
I'm kind of disappointed she isn't.
For a while there it was like being in the movies.
Anybody for dessert? Mmm. Strawberries.
Let's go.
Dad, you said it would be okay. Make them go away.
This is embarrassing.
Just pay no attention to the police.
It's all a terrible mistake.
Do you think we'll get on A Current Affair?
Sutphin family proceeding west on Seminary Avenue. Over.
Beverly ain't going nowhere this time.
She's headed for church.
I say we nail her. Over.
CAPTAIN LUECKER ON RADIO: Negative.
DA says no bust until lab report is back matching suspect's fingerprints
on true crime book with those on scissors and fire poker.
REPORTER ON RADIO: The senseless killing last night of a Towson couple,
Ralph and Betty Sterner, brings to a total of four murders
police feel may have been committed by Baltimore's first serial killer.
Information is still sketchy at this point...
Beverly...
Not the Sterners!
Oh, it's a shame, but they should have brushed their teeth, shouldn't they?
(GASPS)
REPORTER ON RADIO: This just in.
Police lieutenant Ronald Habbler
has publicly named a suspect in the serial killer case, and it's a shocker!
She, that's right, she has been identified
as Beverly R. Sutphin of 2815 Calverton Court...
Oh, really...
God. Now I'll never get a boyfriend.
Beverly, I've read all about this. Is it menopause?
Oh, honey...
Tell me the truth, Mom. Really, it's okay with me.
Are you a serial killer?
Chip, the only cereal I know anything about is Rice Krispies.
(ALL SCREAMING)
Don't worry, honey, we're gonna get you good psychiatric help.
(ALL MURMURING)
Well, look at that.
And in the house of God.
Who does she think she is?
Gus, Sloppy. Hi.
BOTH: Hi.
Chip!
Hey, what's up, Birdie? Can you come...
We said no, remember?
Birdie, please, you can't talk to him. Now, please...
Stay with us, honey.
She's awful! She can't stay here.
Good morning, ladies.
So tell me, Mrs. Sutphin, are you Serial Mom?
- What? - No comment.
Serial Mom! Wow!
She's headed in, over.
(ALL MURMURING)
Please stand.
Blessed be God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
ALL: And blessed be His kingdom, now and forever.
Amen.
PRIEST: Hallelujah! Christ has risen.
ALL: The Lord is risen indeed.
Hallelujah.
PRIEST: Bless the Lord, who forgiveth all our sins...
ON RADIO: This is Captain Luecker from Homicide.
Lab reports confirm Sutphin latent print of index finger
on true-crime book
matches those latent prints lifted from murder weapons.
Bingo, boys! Bust the bitch!
Copy.
Jesus said nothing to condemn capital punishment
as he hung on the cross, did he?
ALL: No...
If ever there was a time to go on record against the death penalty,
wasn't it that night?
(ALL MURMURING IN AGREEMENT)
Capital punishment is already the law in the state of Maryland.
So what are we waiting for, fellow Christians? Let's just do it.
ALL: Amen!
How you doing?
PRIEST: All standing.
Let us pray and humbly confess our sins unto Almighty God.
ALL: Most merciful God, we confess that we have sinned against Thee,
by what we have done and by what we have left undone. We are truly sorry
and we humbly repent so that we may delight in Thy will
and walk in Thy ways to the glory of Thy name.
Amen.
(SNEEZING)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Beverly? Beverly!
(EXCLAIMS)
Misty? Beverly?
There she is!
EUGENE: Beverly! Misty! Misty...
Misty! Come on...
You guys, come on! Come on, come on, come on!
Please, Mrs. Sutphin. Hurry... Get in...
We'll show them, Mom! We'll go on 60 Minutes!
You know, you're bigger than Freddy and Jason now,
only you're a real person!
Do you think I need a lawyer?
You need an agent.
An agent?
Hey! Hey!
- Is your wife a murderess? - No comment!
Please, my wife is missing. I'm worried sick about her!
Hey... Hey. Misty.
Just a couple of shots, okay? I'm Howell Hawkins from the Baltimore Sun.
Hi, Howell.
Misty Sutphin, get in this car!
GRACEY: We're tailing Sutphin husband and daughter but Serial Mom is nowhere in sight.
She got away, boys! God damn it! Find her!
- In here, Mom. - But, Chip...
Come on, Mom, I have to open...
Oh, now, this is so silly.
Bye, Mom.
Customers! Get the door.
Good morning, Mrs. Jenson.
Good morning.
Haven't you had enough violence, Chip Sutphin?
Turn that filth off.
Sorry, ma'am.
Do you have the musical, Annie?
Sure do. Did you bring back Ghost Dad?
There you go.
I just love Bill Cosby pictures.
Miss Jenson, I've told you,
you have to rewind the tapes before returning them.
Why?
Because it's the rules.
I don't feel like rewinding them.
You see that sign? It's a dollar fine for not rewinding
and this time I'm gonna charge you. $2.99 plus $1 is $3.99.
Keep the change, you son of a psycho!
What a bitch!
It's the influence of all those family films. Right, Mom?
- Hey, Mom! - Mrs. Sutphin?
Mother? Mother?
Oh, shit!
- You don't think she would... - She wouldn't...
What's Miss Jenson's address?
Jenkins... Jenson. Emma Lou Jenson, 19 Clark Avenue.
That's right up the street.
Come on, just in case.
Come on, Birdie, let's go!
(DOG BARKING)
What is it, Sylvester? A birdie? Shh. Mommy's watching Annie.
(SINGING) The sun'll come out Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
(DOG BARKING)
Quiet, Sylvester! Nobody's there.
Come on, lick Mommy's feet.
Get them all wet.
(SINGING) And the sorrow Till there's none
Come on, Birdie. Come on.
Number 19.
That's it. Come on.
Over here! Chip, over here!
MRS. JENSON: (SINGING) Tomorrow
So you gotta hang on Till tomorrow
Come what may
Come on...
Just thinking about Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs And the sorrow
Till there's none!
When I'm stuck with a day
That's gray And lonely
I just stick out my chin And grin and say
Get up there, get up there. Is she in there?
(SINGING) Oh!
The sun'll come out Tomorrow
So you gotta hang on Till tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love you, tomorrow!
She's singing Annie.
The sun'll come out Tomorrow
So you gotta hang on Till tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I love you, tomorrow!
You're only a day away
(GRUNTING)
Rewind!
(GASPS)
(EXCLAIMING IN FEAR)
Oh, my God! No!
(BARKS)
(SCREAMS)
I saw blood, and it's brown!
It's not red like in the horror movies, but brown!
- Is Mom in there? - No!
It wasn't like the gore movies at all! It was real.
(SCOTTY PANTING)
Come on! Birdie, let's cut through here!
(GRUNTING)
Wear your seatbelt! It's the law!
(EXCLAIMS)
- Out, please. - What the fuck?
Yes, ma'am.
Dear God, I promise I'll never watch another sex film again!
I promise! I promise!
It's okay.
Dad! Dad...
Have you seen Mom?
No, have you?
Scotty?
Oh, my God!
Get in!
All units, Serial Mom is headed south on Keswick.
Proceed with caution. She is armed and fucking nuts!
(SIREN WAILING)
Oh, shit!
Mike! Mike! Let me in, okay?
Hey! ID.
Can I give it to you inside?
Hey, buddy, nobody gets in without ID.
Birth date?
December 14, 1972.
Please!
Okay, go ahead.
(LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) I won't flinch and I won't break a sweat
When I taste the cyanide gas
Gas, gas
Only way you're gonna shut me up
(EXCLAIMING IN DELIGHT)
- Hey! - Excuse me.
- Hey, look, it's her.
- Excuse me. Excuse me. - Who?
It's the murder lady, the one on TV.
- Excuse me. - Cool. Is she in a band?
Watch me wither through the glass
Smiling as I sip the last gas
Justifiable homicide
Almond blossom-scented cyanide
Gas chamber
The police are after me. I beg your pardon.
Hey, hey, hey. hey!
Hey... You're Serial Mom.
Yes, I guess I am.
Well, come on in, lady. Quick!
You'll keep me down Only way you think you'll keep me down
Coming through. Thank you.
(SCREAMING)
Help. Help!
Excuse me, please.
I think maybe you better lock the car.
- Can't stop now. - Is my mom in there?
Dad, now, look cool. It's Hammerjacks.
Excuse me.
Kids! Put me down! Put me down!
Your God says thou shalt not kill
But here you are dropping the pill
Legal system, what a sham
Put me down!
Flying colors on the final exam
Gas chamber
Only way you're gonna shut me up
Buckle up, Scotty!
(SCREAMS)
Oh! Mrs. Sutphin! No! I'll wear my seatbelt, Mrs. Sutphin.
Holy fucking shit!
(ALL CHEERING)
(ALL CHEERING LOUDER)
Hi!
Move it! You're under arrest!
- Honey? - Shut up.
(EXCLAIMING)
ALL: (CHANTING) Serial Mom! Serial Mom!
Serial Mom! Serial Mom! Serial Mom! Serial Mom! Serial Mom!
Serial Mom! Serial Mom! Serial Mom! Serial Mom! Serial Mom! Serial Mom!
- REPORTER 1: Can she get a fair jury? - REPORTER 2: Misty! Look this way!
Please just let us through.
- your wife's innocence, Mr. Sutphin? - Please!
How does it feel to have a killer mom?
Mr. Sutphin, how does your wife feel?
Beverly is devastated by the charges against her.
FEMALE INMATES: (SINGING) Just now I found a peanut
Found a peanut, right now
Cracked it open, cracked it open
Cracked it open just now...
Didn't I see you at Hinckley?
- I was there. - I thought so.
My husband thought I was crazy.
She is.
Today we're covering day one of the trial of Serial Mom...
WOMAN: Look! Here they come!
Stop the violence? What is this? Who are you working for?
REPORTER: What do you think her chances are?
OFFICER: Excuse me! Mr. Sutphin! Coming through.
Quiet in the courtroom. This court is now in session.
Oh, hello, jury people. I'm Beverly Sutphin.
Oh, I like your jacket.
JUDGE: Mrs. Sutphin, I said quiet.
Honey, hi! Oh, kids, are you doing your homework?
JUDGE: You are accused of multiple murders.
This is a court of law, not a coffee klatch.
Mr. Nazlerod, your opening statement.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.
My name is Timothy Nazlerod and I hope we can be friends.
I have to tell you at the outset,
however, that this is not a pretty case.
This defendant, Beverly Sutphin, is a woman evil to the core,
a rotten apple, if you will,
who beyond any reasonable doubt killed six innocent people.
That's right, she murdered them.
- Well, they sort of deserved it. - Shh.
Evilly and with full premeditation,
with a speeding car, a fire poker,
(JURY GASPS)
a pair of scissors, a toppled air conditioner,
the lethal flames from an aerosol can
and yes, even a leg of lamb.
(JURY GASPS)
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this defendant,
this Beverly Sutphin, she is not a woman.
(BANGING TABLE)
She is a monster!
JUDGE: Defense attorney, your opening statement for the jury?
And let's not take all day, either.
(SIGHS)
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Herbie Hebden
and you and I have a tough job ahead of us.
I've known the Sutphin family for 16 years.
Dad, Eugene, is my dentist.
Chip and Misty played with my own children.
But I found out that I don't know Beverly Sutphin at all.
Psst.
No one really knows Beverly Sutphin. You see...
Psst.
Beverly Sutphin is insane.
(ALL GASPING)
Yes, she committed these terrible crimes,
but that doesn't make her a bad person.
Your Honor, I would like to make a motion.
I wish to fire my attorney and defend myself.
(ALL GASPING)
Beverly Sutphin is not guilty by reason of insanity.
Your Honor, I have the right to defend myself. I've read the law books.
Ware v. State, 1964 and Schuette v. State, 1962.
Mrs. Sutphin, the defendant who has herself for a lawyer has a fool for a client.
Counsel, approach the bench.
I don't think this is a good idea.
Oh, yeah. Oh, no. It's okay.
That's my ruling. Thank you very much.
Mrs. Sutphin, I have no legal choice
but to let you take over as your own attorney.
How do you plead?
Not guilty, Your Honor.
(ALL GASPING)
- (GAVEL POUNDING) - JUDGE: Order! Order in the courtroom.
Quiet down or I'll clear this room out!
I call to the stand Dottie Hinkle.
Raise your right hand, please.
Do you hereby solemnly swear or affirm under the penalties of perjury
that the testimony you are about to give will be the truth,
- the whole truth and nothing but the truth? - I do.
Thank you.
Mrs. Hinkle, did you ever receive any obscene telephone calls?
I certainly did.
And did you recognize the voice of the caller?
Not at first.
But then I heard the same inflection
in a voice at a social gathering.
And I put two and two together.
Whose voice was it, Dottie?
It was her, Beverly Sutphin, sitting right there.
I'm lucky I'm not dead.
Mrs. Hinkle, do you drink?
No, I don't.
So you were not drunk
when you received those allegedly obscene phone calls?
I certainly was not.
Now, you mean to tell me that the day I came over to Mrs. Ackerman's,
the day you claim you recognized my voice, you were not drinking?
One beer with lunch is hardly drinking.
So you do drink?
Socially. I'll have a beer.
So you admit you just lied.
No, I don't, you bitch!
(ALL GASPING)
Watch your mouth, Mrs. Hinkle.
(INAUDIBLE)
Did you see that? She just said, "Fuck you" to me!
(ALL GASPING)
Let the record show I am merely standing here.
Fuck you, too, you whore.
JUDGE: I'm warning you, Mrs. Hinkle.
One more obscenity and I'm gonna charge you with contempt of court.
Mrs. Hinkle, are you insane?
No, I'm not, you motherfucker!
(ALL GASPING)
JUDGE: Mrs. Hinkle, I find you guilty of contempt
and I sentence you to a $1,000 fine and five days in jail!
- Cocksucker! - Lock her up!
You lousy pig fucker! You bitch!
You ugly whore! Let go!
(GAVEL POUNDING)
Come on, they're going quickly!
"Serial Mom" t-shirts. Get them here.
$12, while they last, plus tax.
- MasterCard and Visa. - I'll take two.
All right, ma'am.
I wish they'd had something like this at the Kennedy kid trial.
Sign right here. Signature and home phone.
You've read about it in the paper!
Serial Mom. She's Beverly Sutphin and she's my mom!
Listen, you tell Geraldo to go to hell, okay?
I don't care what Jeffrey MacDonald's people got. He's old news.
We fly first class or we don't do the show. It's that simple.
Are you Chip Sutphin?
Hold on a sec.
Yeah, I am, but you're gonna have to speak with my agent.
Your mom killed my brother. Come on!
Come on...
God... Jeez, man!
It's cool. It's cool, all right?
You're Carl's brother, right?
That's right.
I'm sorry he's dead.
But have you signed off yet?
You mean for TV or print?
TV, man. Suzanne Somers is interested in playing my mom.
Suzanne Somers?
Who's gonna play my brother?
I wonder if Jason Priestley's available?
Miss Hodges, could you describe the car?
The one you saw run over Mr. Stubbins in cold blood.
I seen that movie. It was on cable.
Miss Hodges... Please, Miss Hodges.
Could you... Could you describe...
(LU-ANN GIGGLING)
Miss Hodges.
Excuse me.
Look, man, like I told you, it was blue.
The car, not the driver.
(LU-ANN GIGGLING)
Look, it was just blue.
You know, like, blue.
(ALL MURMURING)
There you go. Enjoy my book.
Could you sign it "To A Future Serial Mom"?
Sure. You think she did it?
I have reasonable doubt.
I feel like killing a couple people myself.
Eight dollars, ma'am.
And these books, these disgusting books
that so lovingly describe the sadistic acts of serial killers,
where did you find these books, Detective?
In Beverly Sutphin's trashcan.
(ALL GASPING)
You may cross-examine, Mrs. Sutphin.
Thank you.
(INAUDIBLE)
Detective Gracey, if I were to look through your trash,
what reading materials would I find?
Objection! Immaterial!
You may answer.
Time, Sports Illustrated, National Geographic.
My wife gets Ladies' Home Journal.
Yet, last night, we found in your trashcan this magazine,
Chicks with Dicks.
(ALL LAUGHING)
God damn you. That's trespassing!
Never judge a person by what they read, Detective.
Your witness, Mr. Nazlerod.
I am a married man. I hope they give you the gas chamber!
(ALL MURMURING)
The jury is instructed to ignore the outburst of the witness.
I call to the stand Rosemary Ackerman.
Now, did you ever see the fire poker again after you left it
with Mrs. Sutphin?
Yes, thirty minutes later. It was covered with blood and gore
and Carl Pageant was dead.
No further questions.
Mrs. Ackerman, when you left me at the Antique Mart,
where did you go?
Browsing.
Did Carl Pageant buy something you wanted?
I didn't want that Fabergé egg. It was chipped.
Carl Pageant died because of you, didn't he?
No. I would never hurt anybody.
It was your Premiere magazine with the letters cut out, wasn't it?
Yes, but I lent it...
And they were your scissors that were found in Mrs. Sterner's stomach, weren't they?
Yes. But I didn't...
Mrs. Ackerman...
Do you recycle?
No.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
I don't have room in my kitchen.
Detective Pike, did you then proceed to the stage area
inside Hammerjacks?
Yes, I did. Scotty Barnhill was on fire
and he fell to his knees in flames.
Would this be what you saw?
Yes, sir. A real barbecue.
May I show this photo to the jury, Your Honor?
Chip, she's here.
They're entitled to see Mrs. Sutphin's handiwork.
(ALL MURMURING)
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Your Honor, may the photograph please be received
into evidence and shown to the jury?
Oh, yeah. Yes, yes.
(EXCLAIMS SOFTLY)
Jeez, that really is Suzanne Somers.
Oh, I loved you in Three's Company.
No further questions.
I call to the stand Marvin Pickles.
Mr. Pickles! Mr. Marvin Pickles!
Be right out.
The judge is waiting for you.
Okay.
Come on, get moving.
NAZLEROD: State your name, please.
Marvin A. Pickles.
Mr. Pickles, were you in the men's room at the Antique Trade Mart
on Saturday, May 15?
Yes, I was.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(WHISPERING) Oh, hi. What was the rating? Well, what was the share?
Did you see anyone in the booth next to you?
(MR. PICKLES MUMBLING)
Excuse me, I...
Mr. Pickles, did you see anyone in the booth next to you?
I'm not sure... I...
What do you mean you're not sure?
There was nobody next to me.
Mr. Pickles, didn't you tell the Grand Jury
that you looked down and you saw
a pair of ladies' shoes in the booth next to you?
I just said what you told me to.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Perjury is a serious offense, Mr. Pickles.
I... I made it all up! I've never seen Beverly Sutphin in my life!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
You'll pay for this, Marvin Pickles.
I'm turning your file over to the vice squad.
The prosecution rests.
The prosecution has proven nothing, Your Honor.
The defense rests also!
JUDGE: Order. Order in the courtroom.
We'll take a 10-minute recess.
Attorneys, be ready with your closing arguments.
Well, I feel that Beverly Sutphin
is an innocent woman, wrongly accused.
A normal housewife trapped in a nightmare of circumstantial evidence.
There she is, Henrietta Lee Lucas, Joan Wayne Gacy.
A new face in the deck of serial killer trading cards.
Find her guilty on all six counts of first-degree murder.
I only hope I can portray Serial Mom's life on the TV screen
with the proper dignity that this feminist heroine deserves.
Look at me. I am as normal as all of you.
But I have been framed by the police
and perjured against by the very people I thought were my friends.
- All I ask of you... - Stop that!
Is that you have the courage to find me innocent
of these terribly untrue charges.
All I ask is that you find me
innocent of these terribly untrue charges.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
We find the defendant not guilty of all charges.
Way to go, Beverly!
Oh! I'm coming home!
What should I do?
I don't know. Bring her home, I guess.
No more violence. No more violence.
You think she'll like me?
Just be nice to her and try... Try not to get on her nerves.
WOMAN 1: She got off.
WOMAN 2: She's innocent!
Congratulations, Beverly. Will you be staying...
- Hello, Baltimore! - I love you.
Oh, I love you, too.
Thank you all for coming. Hi, there, LA. Hello, Cleveland.
MAN: Hey, Serial Mom!
Well, hello, New York!
REPORTER: Beverly, who does your hair?
Excuse me!
Would you hold these for me, honey?
Excuse me.
Excuse me, Mr. Sutphin, can I ask you a question, please?
Did the system work? Do you think it worked?
Excuse me. The rights have been sold.
We did it. We set her free!
I knew she was innocent right from the beginning.
You can't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
That's not true anymore.
Yes, it is. Didn't your mother ever tell you?
(GRUNTS)
Now you know.
No, please. Fashion has changed.
No, it hasn't.
REPORTER: Are you surprised, Mr. Sutphin?
No comment. Beverly?
Here I am, honey.
Beverly, hi! I'm Suzanne Somers.
Hello!
Mrs. Sutphin, can we get a shot of you and Suzanne Somers?
Absolutely, stand here, Beverly.
Guys, what about a nice two-shot, okay?
No, Suzanne, really, I'd be much...
Beverly, Beverly, stand right here!
Okay, smile, Serial Mom!
Suzanne Somers, this is my bad side!
(ALL GASPING)