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MAN: This--this is something, man.
This is our generation, man.
All you people, we're all together, man, it's groovy.
And dig yourselves. It's really groovy.
* You don't hear no sounds, but dig this *
* Yeah
* Yeah, OK, then--hey *
* Hey, man
* Yeah, dig, brother
* Groovy, groovy
* Hey, what's up? Hey, we got some--hey *
* Yeah, OK, let's--hey
* Hey, man
* Yeah, dig, brother
* Groovy, groovy
* Groovy, groovy *
* Groovy, groovy
* Groovy, groovy *
* Yeah, dig, brother *
Hello?
* Groovy, groovy
* Groovy, groovy *
(Loud music plays)
Fuck!
Oh, yeah.
(Guitars fade)
Shit. Fuse box again.
I got it last time.
I know.
Um...
Excuse me.
Is James Andrews around?
What are you, a narc?
No, no, no. I'm a pre-frosh.
I'm just looking for James Andrews.
Heads up!
James Andrews...
Oh, Droz. He's in the hole, room two.
Um...where--
The basement.
Come on. Follow me.
End of the hall.
Ahem.
Go ahead.
Last door on the left.
Hello?
Uh...
James?
(Snoring)
Uh, excuse me.
Ooh.
Uh...
(Snoring)
Uh...
(Snores)
Coffee.
Coffee now!
There.
All right, what do you need,
bottle rockets, dental dams, reddi-whips?
Term papers?
Um, actually, no, no, no.
I'm Tom Lawrence. I'm a pre-frosh.
I'm just up here at Port Chester
just to see if I want to go here.
What am I, a stop on the tour?
Actually, um,
admissions arranged for me
to spend the night at your frat.
Gee, Scooter, frats were banned in the sixties.
They were?
Let me see that.
I don't believe this.
I've been pimped by admissions.
OK.
Want some advice?
Well, yeah.
Here's all you need to know:
classes--nothing before 11:00;
beer--your best friend, you drink a lot of it;
women--you're a freshman,
so it's pretty much out of the question.
Will you have a car? Um, no.
Someone on your hall will.
Find them and make friends with them on the first day.
Anything else?
Yeah. Um...
look, uh,
can anyone just, uh,
live in these big houses with--with girls?
Times have changed in the past 30 years, Tomas.
We no longer swill sherry
and screw goats for fun anymore.
I'd love to tell you about it, but...
Should I just leave my stuff in your room?
Uh, no.
Look, I'd like to help you out,
but we're cutting in on my nap time as it is.
But the good news is
I've got just the guy for the job.
(Loud music plays)
Yo, Gut, what's up, baby?
What's up, Droz?
Got any smokes, baby?
No, man, last one.
Listen, Tom-man--
(Turns down music)
Tom-man here is a pre-frosh.
I told him you'd show him around.
No can do.
Whoa, Gut, can't or won't?
Can't, man.
It's grunge night at Vienna House.
The Merkins are opening
for Frog and Toad Are Friends.
I got to psych up for the show.
Frog and Toad Are Friends,
that's with the guy from the Clash, right?
The? The Clash.
I don't know if you're aware of this, Gutter,
but there actually was music
recorded before 1989.
What is this?
You're wearing this to the show?
You're gonna wear the shirt
of the band you're gonna go see?
Don't be that guy.
Hey! Dave!
Dave, Dave! What's up, my brothers?
Here we go. Very quickly,
just a quick moment of--
It's all right. Mullaney.
What's up? Good to see you.
Is this a pre-frosh?
Yes, it is.
You showing him around?
Actually-- You know,
that's really swell.
Now, you gotta make sure he gives you
the special bicentennial tour, 200 years of bullshit.
You little bitch.
Yep, now we're even for the milk bones.
You signed me up as a weekend host.
You swing bag.
Sucker.
Milk bones?
Spring Break, I filled his suitcase with dog biscuits
coming back from Jamaica.
Drug-sniffing dogs went ape shit.
I got one more idea.
Pigman!
(Tires squeal)
Pigman!
What's he doing?
He's finishing his senior thesis.
Pigman is trying to prove the Caine/Hackman Theory.
No matter what time it is,
24 hours a day, you can find
a Michael Caine or a Gene Hackman movie
playing on TV.
Wait, that's his thesis? Yes!
That's the beauty
of college these days, Tommy.
You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit.
Have a seat, there's the TV.
Pigman's got you covered.
Call me for the shower scene in Dressed To Kill.
Um...
What?
Did I tell you that I'm from Delaware?
Really?
Well, I mean, I just spent 6 hou--
6 hours on a public bus
just to come to Port Chester
to decide if I want to come here.
So, you know, maybe I should see the campus
or, you know, like, a pep rally
or a tailgate party. OK, OK.
OK, OK. I-- I've got it.
Here's the deal.
You gotta get all this fifties cornball shit
out of your head.
It's a whole new ball game on campus these days,
and they call it PC.
PC?
Politically Correct,
and it's not just politics, it's everything.
it's what you eat, it's what wear,
and it's what you say.
And if you don't watch yourself,
you can get in a butt-load of trouble.
For instance, see these girls?
Yeah.
No, you don't. Those are women.
You call them girls, and they'll pop your figs.
Save the whales.
MAN: Gays in the military now!
Free Nelson Mandela.
They freed him already.
What?
Those women?
Those aren't women, Tom.
Those are Womynists.
You know, I saw the new Madonna video last night.
Unfricking-believable.
See the one in the middle with the blond hair?
Yeah.
She's looking at me, isn't she?
Kind of. What, do you know her or something?
Hey, Sam,
isn't that the guy that you used to, uh...
Yeah.
You went out with a white male?
I was a freshman.
Freshperson. Please.
Go talk to her. What's the problem?
Watch this.
He's coming over here. Sisters, form a wall!
No, you don't have to do that.
Hi. How you doing?
Is Sam in there?
In there? What's that supposed to mean?
Yeah, cock man oppressor.
Thank you.
Maybe one of you could just tell her
that Mr. Pokey stopped by.
OK.
What the hell was that-- Mr. Pokey?
I think he meant his, uh, phallus.
You participated in a phallus naming?
No. No, I have no idea.
You stay away from him, Sam.
He's an animal.
You know, this place is kind of insane.
Wait till you meet the causeheads.
The what?
What don't we eat?
Red meat!
Why don't we eat it?
It's murder!
What don't we eat?
Red meat.
Why don't we eat it?
These, Tom, are your causeheads.
They find a world-threatening issue
and stick with it for about a week.
What's up? What up?
What happened to the ozone layer?
That was last week. Now it's meat.
Grill is serving up chili burgers,
but they're not letting anyone in or out.
I love chili burgers. What about you, Daves?
Yeah. Yeah.
Let's do lunch.
All right.
Red meat!
Why don't we eat it?
It's murder.
What don't we eat?
Red meat.
Why don't we eat it?
It's murder!
What don't we eat?
Red meat.
Don't eat us!
It's murder.
Remember, cows are our friends.
What don't we eat?
Red meat.
Why don't we eat it?
It's murder.
The charred flesh served in this cafeteria...
Oop. Paint.
(Cheering)
Harsh bud.
And the non-toxic paint...
Moonbeam, I like your style. Go.
Wrung from the scorched flesh
of innocent creatures.
Go! Go!
Wha-what?
MAN: * I was standin'
* By my window
You may be saying to yourselves,
what of the hungry students of this university?
* On a cloudy day
...with the use of their legs and hands...
Then they would understand the plight of the field calf.
* I was standin'
If every student on this campus...
(Feedback)
were to starve, it would be worth the life of a cow.
Moo!
Yum.
Hopefully, this will not come to pass.
But if it were, who is to say that the life--
What the hell?
Aah.
Hey!
Now.
Here's lunch.
(Screaming)
Nicely done, gentlemen.
All right. Now what?
Now we run.
Dave.
Dave?
MAN: And the walls are painted white,
and the chalk is white,
and even the copy machine and paper is white.
Excuse me.
This, my friend,
is a white devil's conspiracy.
Meat tosser!
Stop the violator!
Ohhh!
MOONBEAM: Level of insensitivity--
"c," unconscionable.
Offended.
Oh, thank God. President Garcia-Thompson.
Students, fill out those forms
and don't skip a line.
It was those persons in the pit again.
I know, Moonbeam.
Those pit offenders are single-handedly
destroying the sensitivity levels on this campus.
Of course, I can't simply throw them out of school.
After all, they're still 15 complaints away
from expulsion.
Don't worry, their day will come.
Um, Ms. President?
There's some preppy person in your office.
Madras ties.
Sweet.
McPherson, what the hell are you doing?
Ooh, pretty outfit.
Real summery. What is that, Dacron?
How many times have I told you not to meet me here?
I have a reputation to uphold.
Don't run from your feelings.
I think it's time people
know the truth about us.
The truth, McPherson, is that you disgust me.
The only thing we'll ever have in common
is a hatred of the pit.
Just give it time.
The information, Republican.
Signed, sealed, and...
snatched rudely. What a surprise.
Perfect. I'll bring it to the pit immediately.
And we'll call the movers.
Hey, Jack, the floor's closed
unless you're working on a thesis.
You working on a thesis?
Uh, no, I'm lost.
I'm trying to get back to the pit.
Well, don't get your balls in an uproar.
Just follow me.
Get your feet off the desk.
Uh, what's everybody doing?
Finishing their theses, fuzzhead.
They're due Monday morning.
Now, there's the door.
Oh, thanks.
Damn it.
What?
Hey, Cecelia, are you going to be free tonight?
Why?
You want to have dinner...
with us?
What, like a date?
Yeah. Yeah.
God.
Katy, I was thinking.
When we start that song,
it's got to be a lot faster.
You mean like this?
You're in my chair. Get out.
Now remember to make mine extra crispy, Gut.
DROZ: Be careful, man.
I like it rare, not cold.
I got ya.
So, this is the sewer where you persons
breed your anti-community crimes.
Hello, Mrs. Gar--
President Garcia-Thompson.
DROZ: Hey, monkeys, how about a little respect?
The presiding person of the university
just walked in.
(Playing Hail To the Chief)
Stop that.
Turn that noise pollution down.
Please put out that cigarette right now.
All right.
Do I need to remind you
that this house already has enough complaints
to qualify for a sensitivity awareness weekend?
You passed out cigarettes
for a smoke-a-thon on Earth Day,
you installed speed bumps on the handicapped ramps,
and most recently, you dumped 100 pounds of...
meat on a peaceful vegan protest.
Oh, come on!
That was way more than 100 pounds.
Very amusing, Mr. Andrews.
Thanks.
Here's something you won't find quite so funny.
This, offenders,
is your damage bill for the semester.
The total comes to $7,568.
Housing forms for next year are due Monday.
And if that bill isn't paid,
this house will be repossessed.
What? No way!
You can't be serious, right?
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a bicentennial to plan.
CECELIA: This sucks.
GUTTER: Ma'am, can-- ma'am? Hello?
7 thou?
We're in deep shit, huh?
Where the hell are we gonna live next year?
It's like 3 weeks before school ends.
Ladies and gentlemen, I think it's time
to revive an ancient tradition
we seem to have long forgotten.
They confiscated the altar, Droz.
No, I'm not talking about human sacrifice,
Ceel, I'm talking about something that we used to do
every Saturday night as a matter of principle.
Here's a hint:
legions of hand-stamped meatheads
in co-ed naked lacrosse t-shirts
power chugging watered-down Meisterchau,
regurgitating on the glue-matted floors.
Kiln-like temperatures, fights with townies,
lines of drunken people
waiting for the bathroom.
Wait a second.
You guys are talking about a party.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
Gutter, tell her what she's won.
We get some beer, we have a band,
and we overcharge at the door.
Droz, there's no way.
We need an all-campus party to raise enough money.
No one's been able to pull that off in years.
You know what happens--
half the school protests.
The other half boycotts.
Yeah, and besides, think about it.
Even if we could get them all here,
it'd be like a total PC war zone.
Well, there is one other option--
we get jobs.
I vote party.
I can't handle a job, man.
We're totally on it.
What do you want us to do?
So, uh, who's on beer?
Uh, well, that would roughly be you, Gut.
I suggest kegs-- multiple, cold, and domestic.
I have to meet Mersh in Jerry town
for my ride to the show.
OK, well, you call those
useless yerk-toting, frisbee-chucking
cheeba monkeys,
and you tell them you're gonna be an hour late.
Ceel, Katy, Raj, and Deege,
the stage is set, your band will play.
But, Droz, we don't even have a name.
Well, you get a name, you give it to the Daves,
they'll put up the fliers.
On it. On it.
Pigman. Yeah?
Stay put.
We charge 5 bucks a head.
Mastercard and Visa accepted.
Droz,
what happened to that cute preppy kid?
Who?
The pre-frosh.
That's a good question.
What's up, Mersh?
Gutter, what's up, bud?
Tried to call you guys, like, 6 times, man.
What's the deal?
Listen, Mersh,
I gotta get beer for this party tonight,
so I'm going to be late for my ride to Hartford.
Sorry, Gut, man, no can do.
The Grand Master of Funk
descends on the city at 8:00, man,
and we will be there.
Mersh, you hate punk.
Funk, Gutter.
Funk.
George Clinton.
Parliament Funkadelic.
Dude,
aren't you a music major?
Yeah.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
(Laughter)
Maybe you guys could just give me a lift
to the liquor store then.
We got intramural finals this afternoon,
man, sorry.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Have a bong hit.
GUTTER: What good is that going to do me?
Just one little binger to brighten up your day.
Come on, man.
Just one hit,
then I got to go.
MAN: Look at the stitching.
It's got to be L.L. Bean.
Yes.
But can he be trusted?
Look at his tie.
His complexion.
He's definitely one of us.
Hey--wait. Where am I?
You're safe now.
Allow me. Carter Prescott,
Pledge Master of the secret fraternity of Balls and Shaft.
Tom Lawrence, pre-frosh.
Bantam Draper.
Um...
so, this is a frat?
CARTER: The school outlawed fraternities
in 1967, Tom.
And Balls and Shaft was forced to go underground.
We lost our house,
now the detestable sore known as the pit.
Since then, our numbers have dwindled,
but we're always on the lookout for new members.
You guys used to be in the pit?
Well, I know it's sad.
The swine in there, they're dirty, stupid--
worst of all,
poor.
(Knock on door)
I'll get it.
America's greatest President.
It's me, Rand. Open up.
America's greatest President.
Damn it.
Who is Ronald Reagan?
A casual shoe for yachting.
What are you trying to figure out, B.D.?
Who could I be? What is a blucher?
They killed Jesus Christ.
Who are the Jews? Open up, sucko!
Gentlemen, I've got some good news,
and I got some bad news.
The bad news is...
you're an idiot.
Don't ever make me wait outside that door.
The good news is...
Thompson just delivered the information.
By now, the pit will have started
planning their little soiree.
Well, about that, Rand--
What if their party does come off?
Does anyone get what I'm doing here?
Does anyone follow me?
We want them to have a party, steakhead.
We want them to have the loudest,
most offensive party
in school history. Capisce?
Hi.
Well, well, I see we have a new pledge.
Mayflower material, I presume?
Huh?
It's a boat.
Your ancestors obviously didn't come over on it.
But, hey, it's the nineties. We'll take what we can get.
Gentlemen, we got a job to do.
Naugahyde Windpipe.
Too metal.
Oedipus and the Mama's Boys.
Too college radio.
My Johnson Is 12 Inches Long.
Interesting,
but doesn't sound like a band name.
I've got it.
Everyone Gets Laid.
Katy, the Womynists will be all over us for that one.
Ow.
CEEL: Hey, Droz, what do you think about this?
Tonight at the pit, Everyone Gets Laid.
Hmm. That's tasteless, disgusting, and offensive.
I like it.
Cool.
Daves, go make those fliers.
Hey,
what are you guys doing?
Us? Oh, we're seniors.
We're going to the game.
Outside!
Whoo!
Uhh! Uhh!
Hey.
Remove that nail, butcher.
What's your deal?
I just heard that tree shriek.
Would you like it if I nailed a sign
into a layer of your fat?
Try it again, and you're toast.
Save the planet. Peace.
This is a total drag.
Let's give up, man.
Well, what do we have here?
Let's go!
Whoo!
Yeah, yeah. Look at him go!
Pig.
Oh, good, good God.
Word up.
She got a little stiff-arm.
* Ending in dirty looks
* Listenin' to the Muzak
* Thinkin' 'bout this and that *
* She said that's that
* I don't want to chitter chat *
* Turn it down a little bit *
* Or turn it down flat
* Pump it up
* When you don't really need it... *
Oh, wow, man.
Ha!
Hot shit!
Yeah.
Isn't that your old freshman roommate?
Oh, yeah.
Randall Peeburn McPherson.
I wonder what brought him out of hiding.
Must be a Klan meeting.
Yeah. Man, look at him.
Must have been hellish living with that guy
for a year.
(Woman laughing)
Ahem.
Hey, wait, come back.
Oh, come on! Go to sleep!
It's time to go to sleep!
Oh, my God! Aah!
Ah! Aah!
Aah!
Get away from me, you freak!
Freak!
Aah! Stay on your side!
Aah!
Total nightmare, man.
What the hell is taking so long?
ALL: Swirly.
Whoo!
The pride of the Port Chester sports program, Tom--
Hippie Olympics.
Doesn't matter who wins 'cause they're all losers.
You know, it's sad, really.
This school used to be
a bastion of rich, white elitism.
Now...now there are homosexuals on the football team,
whining minorities run the student government,
and you can't even coerce a woman
into having sex without being
brought up on charges.
What is this world coming to?
Really!
RAND: Come on. Let's go.
My pappy would puke
if he saw this bunch of bug-eyed toads
chasing a scrap of plastic around.
Hey, ponytails, you suck!
Hi.
We're getting housed here, guys.
I say we bring in Blotter.
Blotter.
Yeah. Yeah.
(Whistles)
Wha-whoo, yeah, Blotter!
Oh, you're just bugging me!
* Pump it up
* Until you can feel it
* Pump it up
* When you don't really need it *
Uh-oh. This is me.
I'm going in, Coach. Cover me, man.
Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Yeah.
Sam?
Hey. Wow!
What are the odds?
Droz. Two times in one day.
What's come over you?
I don't know, must be hormonal.
WOMYNIST: What the hell is he doing here?
Afternoon, ladies.
Looking good out there.
Yeah. Whatever.
They're not going to castrate me
for sitting here, are they?
Yeah, that's what they got planned for halftime.
Oh. Now, look who it is.
Meat tosser!
Aah!
Jesus Christ. I know that kid.
What is he doing?
I'm open.
Aah! Ohh!
Hey.
That weasel snagged the 'bee.
All right.
Bong hits, anyone?
All right.
So, I heard you're finally graduating.
Yeah, yeah. It's pretty stupid, huh?
I mean, how could I leave all this?
What about you? You got any plans?
RAND: James Andrews, my old friend.
Hey, Rand.
Samantha, my buttercup.
I hear you're having a party tonight.
Can't go.
But we're all taking bets
on how many of you will get arrested.
You remember this guy,
he skippered Hitler's catamaran
during the war?
Yeah, yuck it up now, dipshit.
Your nightmare's just beginning.
I think the Womynists will be quite interested
in your little scribblings.
Oh, yeah,
that's where I'm headed.
Samantha, always a pleasure.
See you.
Gentlemen.
Ladies.
A pit party.
Mmm. Warm, flat beer.
Soggy chips. Think about that.
It's just what I need to help me figure out my life.
Stop the penis party!
Get her away from him!
Come on, Sam!
Let's go.
Hey, Sam, what about tonight?
Don't talk to him.
Shit.
Whoo-hoo! Yeah-heh!
(Honks horn)
Hey, watch it, you schmuck!
Get the beer. Just get the beer.
Get the beer.
The beer.
Excuse me.
Can you blow me where the pampers is?
What?
Can you blow me where the pampers is?
Can you show me
where the campus is?!
Yeah. Sure.
She knows.
OK.
Just...just go here for a minute.
I shouldn't have smoked that.
MAN: I just want to pay tribute
to both your courage
and for your eloquence
and for the dignity in which you've conducted yourself.
Thank you, Senator.
I knew it was going to be bad
when I was nominated.
I didn't know it would be this bad.
Could you have guessed...
that some people, including people on this committee,
would dredge up stories about drug use?
Wait. Wait. Wait a second,
gentlemen of the courtroom,
this guy is Gutter, man.
The Gut man.
He comes over, man,
he smokes two major bong loads...
he knows how to carb and everything.
Like, loads the size of your head, man.
I...I didn't exhale?
(Laughing)
Works for me.
Good answer.
(Coughs)
(Whimpering)
Oh, man. What a nightmare.
Oh, man.
Oh. Oh. Oh.
Oh, shit! The beer!
Oh, shit!
WOMAN: Are we talking about the same person?
GARCIA: Well, I think Bisexual Asian Studies
should have its own building.
The question is, who goes:
the Math department or the hockey team?
Excuse me, Andrea--
It's Andrea.
I think hockey. Call me about it.
The board of trustees is very concerned
about the state of unrest among the students.
There has been a protest on this campus
every day, and frankly,
we're sick of all the bad publicity.
Oh, really?
We're particularly concerned
about tomorrow's bicentennial.
It will be the most highly attended
alumni event in years.
Gentlemen, relax.
Tomorrow's ceremony has been planned to perfection.
And as for the students,
I have a special surprise for them.
What are you talking about?
I'm going to announce
the changing of the school mascot
from the offensive Port Chester Indian
to an endangered specie.
Gentlemen, meet our new mascot,
the Port Chester Whooping Crane.
(Cooing)
No. Wait. No!
Look, jerky, no liquor sold after 8:00.
Connecticut blue laws.
After 8:00? I missed my ride to the show!
Hey, look. It's a college boy.
Anybody want to beat him up?
(Laughing)
Nice tie.
This totally bites.
The first time we've ever been asked
to play in public, and there's no public.
Yankees are back in town.
Fuse box.
Aah!
Pins and needles!
Ooh! Pins and needles. Pins and needles.
RAJ: Hey, guys, you knocked the plug out. Hello.
Hey, Raj.
Hey, Daves, what happened to the fliers?
Huh?
They fliers, I haven't seen one up on campus.
We put one up.
Damn, man.
One flier?
We're screwed.
There is one thing we can still do.
Play some loud and abusive tunes?
Exactly.
Do it, man. All right.
Plug my ass in.
Yeah.
(Chuckling)
Yeah.
Play Metallica, and they will come.
We should've handled our own publicity.
MAN: Whooping cranes.
Garcia-Thompson's making sandwiches without bread.
That bitch is giving me gout.
Look, just be patient, Cordeau.
The way she's going, she'll hang herself.
I'll buy the rope, you find the tree.
I'm just one man talking,
but I don't get this whole James Bond/Rasta--
Hey, I want to know
how this became about me
all of a sudden?
(People yelling)
This is a miracle.
Monkeys pulled it off.
What the hell's going on here?
Hi, Droz.
Are we having a party tonight or what?
There's no publicity, so there's no people.
Gutter never showed up, so there's no beer,
our instruments blew out, so there's no band,
and I think Raji and Deege may be dead.
Wait a minute-- no beer?
Well, where the hell's Gutter?
Probably in a parking lot somewhere
picking his nose.
Well, there's one consolation.
What's that?
We haven't been protested yet.
Does anybody know why there are 24 Womynists
beating bongos on our lawn?
Stop this phallic oppression at this house...
What?
Let's check it out.
Yeah, man. Coming through.
Hey.
All right. Deadly zulu drum protest.
Haven't seen one of those since my third sophomore year.
Full-on response.
Wish the balls weren't dead.
See, you try and spread joy,
and then the PC shock troops just shut you down.
KATY: Don't they want to have a good time
at least once in their lives?
That's a damn good point.
OK. Now, it's true
the majority of students today
are so cravenly PC,
they wouldn't know a good time
if it was sitting on their face,
but there's one thing
that will always unite us and them.
They're young.
They may not realise it yet.
They've got the same raging hormones,
the same self-destructive desire
to get boldly trashed and wildly out of control.
Look out that window.
That's not a protest.
That is a cry for help.
CHANTING: Stop the penis party!
Stop the penis party!
They're begging us...
please have a party!
Feed us drinks!
Get us laid!
Aah!
DAVE: That's a pretty strange theory, Droz.
Yeah.
Besides, we don't have a band
or any people, man.
We don't have any beer.
We've got loose keg sightings near the freshman dorm,
two cases of zinfandel spotted near the faculty club,
and here, the mother lode-- the bicentennial ball.
Moles, you're on the air in 10.
Got it!
Ceel, you're on bongos.
Me, Dave, and Dave are on beer.
Katy, you're a freshman.
Find 2,000 people.
RAND: Hey.
GARCIA: It's about time the university
embraced multiculturalism.
Hey.
It really is.
Excuse me.
Uh-huh.
What is the complaint count now?
Hello, Andrea.
Only 3 this afternoon,
but my Community Crisis Bulletin
just went out. OK?
Well, don't worry, my fair maiden,
we will get our quota.
And by the way,
have you seen their tasteless flier?
Oh, my God.
Is there no limit?
Well...what I figure they did...
was they cut out a picture of your head
and pasted it on another different picture.
I've done a little collage work myself.
B.D., do me a favour
and don't ever talk.
(Horn honks)
Hey, kid, do you know how to get back
to I-84?
Where you going, Hartford?
Yeah, man, we got a concert there.
We should have been there at 8:00.
I know. The Merkins and Frog and Toad.
What?
The bad news is,
84 is, like, a half-hour away,
and then Hartford is,
like, another 45 minutes on the freeway.
Seth, I told you we should have followed the other bus.
We'll never make it now.
We might as well go on back home.
Yo, dread. Yeah, what's up?
Since you missed the show anyway,
you think you could give me a ride back to my house?
Yeah. Come on. Get on up.
Shotgun.
DAVE: Which one's Rand's?
Cherry beemer. "Thanks, Dad."
I can wire it. Can you get us in?
It might take a little time, but...
Yeah. I think so.
MAN: that was George Clinton on WPCU
with Tear the Roof Off.
Clinton's headlining the Civic tonight,
but you can't afford a ticket, man. Sorry.
Moles. How's it going, brother?
What's up? Great show, man.
Thanks, man.
No, really. Listen, I got a favour to ask...
Well, that's good thinking.
Oh.
Ooh.
Eek.
Ah...
Toss 'em in back.
Sunroof. All right.
Rand's going to griz his pants
when he sees his car.
You think so?
MOLES: Good evening. We interrupt this broadcast
for a special announcement.
Are you just sitting around your dorm rooms
playing cards and eating pizza?
Now, is this the way you've spent the majority
of your 4 years in college?
Would you like tonight to be different,
you just don't have anyplace to go?
Well, now you do.
So, turn off your radios and head on over.
And tonight, 10 P.M. at the pit,
Everyone Gets Laid.
(Yelling)
K-Katy?
Katy!
It's the pre-frosh.
Stay!
Hi. Hey.
We were wondering what happened to you.
Where you going?
Uh, I'm gonna go home.
You're leaving?
You've only been here, like, 10 minutes.
I know, but, you know,
I've already managed to piss off, like,
the entire campus.
I mean, no offence, Katy,
but this place is a nightmare.
I'm probably just gonna wind up at State.
Yeah, well, we're all gonna be
boring our butts off at State
if I don't find, like, 1,000 people pronto.
What do you mean?
We gotta raise 7 Gs by tomorrow,
or we lose the house.
The pit? Yeah.
The damage bill came in.
We're trying to pull off this all-campus rage,
and I gotta get people.
All I got are these foreign exchange students.
It's looking pretty grim.
I can't believe this.
I mean, you're, like, the only ones
that haven't tried to kill me
since I got here.
Yeah, but you're probably not going to be
coming here anyway, so...
don't sweat it.
(Horn honks)
Oh...your ride's here.
It was nice knowing you.
Katy!
You said you needed people, right?
DROZ: Am I OK on that side?
Nope. No.
That's good.
Hey. Hey!
I'll take care of Apeman. You grab the bar.
Hey there, B.D.
Andrews. You're not supposed to be here.
Hey, now, that is one great tie.
Is that yours, or did you borrow it?
It's mine.
Really? That is amazing. Where did you get that?
because I've been looking for something like this.
What are those? Those little snails?
They're jockeys.
Really? 'Cause, uh, they look like snails.
Listen, uh, what kind of beer do you got?
Uh, well, we don't have--
You know, on second thought,
what am I doing? I'm driving.
Make it a scotch on the rocks.
What?
You're right.
You're a good friend, B.D.
You saved my life. I mean that.
You're a hell of a guy.
I'm never going to forget this.
Pardon me. Excuse me.
Say, you know, there's a very interesting studies group...
MAN: A vodka tonic, please.
DROZ: 99, repeat.
Hi.
(Music plays loudly)
* Gonna find my baby
* Gonna hold her tight
* Gonna grab some afternoon delight *
Last time I saw them, they were over here.
Brothers.
I saw him at the cafeteria this morning.
He was recruiting for the CIA.
CIA, huh?!
I heard he injected all the meat with hormones
before throwing it off the roof.
He is wearing brown shoes
with a blue blazer.
I mean, can you believe it?
How hinge!
KATY: What are they so pissed off at?
Watch this.
Hey, butt-licks!
Shh.
Remember me?
Jesus Christ, Tom!
That's the guy!
(Yelling)
Let's go!
CHANTING: This penis party's got to go.
Hey hey. Ho ho.
This penis party's got to go.
Hey hey. Ho ho.
This penis party's got to go.
Hey hey. Ho ho.
This penis party's got to go.
Hey hey. Ho ho.
This penis party's got to go.
Hey hey. Ho ho.
This penis party's...
* Kumbaya
* Kumbaya, my lord
* Kumbaya
Everybody!
* My lord
* Kumbaya
* Oh, lord *
* Kumbaya
* Kumbaya, my lord...
Droz. Droz,
what are we going to do
when we don't pull this one off?
Uh, bake sale?
GUTTER: What's up, Droz? What's up, Moles?
You screwed up big-time.
The store was closed.
I put my trust in you to handle the beer,
and you violated that trust.
Yo, Gutter, Gutter, where it at?
Where it at?
Oh, right in there, sorry.
What's happenin', what's happenin'?
Mudbone, get in there.
Listen, don't charge these guys, Moles.
They just gotta use the can.
They're with me.
Droz, that was--
Do you have any idea who that was?
Look, they're just using the can.
You made your point.
That was George Clinton.
I'm sorry.
Listen to me-- Parliament, P-Funk,
the P-Funk All-Stars.
I mean, come on, tell him.
Dr. Funkenstein? The man is the king
of interplanetary funkmanship.
Tell him, tell him who it is.
It's George Clinton.
The guy with the hair?
Yeah.
Gut, you're a legend.
Yo. There are no chicks in here.
What did I tell you?
Yeah, man, there's not even any chips.
Chips. Chips.
CHANTING: Chips! Chips! Chips!
I'll hold it.
Man.
Y'all got to clean that place up.
DROZ: Gutter, get a mop!
It stink.
Listen, we couldn't help but notice
that you're George Clinton.
Yeah?
Listen, George, we've had a real bad day.
The president of the university
has been spanking us with a 7-grand damage bill.
We were gonna rob a 7-Eleven,
we don't have enough ski masks, right?
So, what are we gonna do?
We're gonna throw an all-campus rocker.
The only problem is, we don't have the artillery.
Nigga, please, what you want from me?
What are you trying to say?
We were hoping you could play our party.
What?
Well, can't nobody make no face that ugly
and not be serious.
We'll do it, man. Jesus.
You'll do it?
Hey, Gut, why don't you get the band off the van?
But the whole band ain't here.
Just tell everybody that's on the van to come on out.
All right.
That's so great. I'm gonna be right back.
Yeah, man, I gotcha. I gotcha.
Boy, y'all going overboard with this black awareness.
That boy got a rap.
It's equal opportunity.
Chips! Chips! Chips! Chips! Chips!
Fellas!
Chuck, porterhouse, ribeye,
I know exactly how you guys are feeling.
In fact, I can think of only one thing
that could lift my spirits right now...
beer.
Beer.
CHANTING: Beer. Beer.
Beer! Beer! Beer!
I think I'm missing a piece.
Yeah, me, too, man. Let's give up, huh?
Guys, guys, we've got an L.A.-size riot
of thirsty men with no necks screaming for brew.
Yeah! Yeah!
* Makes the sparks ignite *
* And the thought of loving you *
* Is gettin' so exciting *
* Sky rockets in flight *
(Tuning up)
Yeah, that's close enough for funk, baby.
Thanks, but I know how to tune my axe.
I'll bet you do.
Oh, my God. George Clinton.
Roof!
Hi.
Just the dog in me, baby.
Oh, shit! Hi.
Yeah. Why don't you play me a song there?
Go ahead, girl.
Uh...
Pig, you gotta change your PJs.
We're havin' a party.
Shower scene.
Oh.
MOLES: Droz.
Droz!
Yeah.
I don't want to burst your bubble,
but we got a slight problem here.
What?
No guests.
(Cecelia and George talking)
Hi. How are you doin'?
Hey, what up?
(Yelling)
Yeah. That's right, man.
I hear what you're sayin'.
OK. OK--hey!
Hold on a sec, everybody.
Now, I understand y'all met Tom.
WOMAN: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I fucking met Tom!
He snagged our disk!
I know he did, and he's gonna pay for it, believe me.
Moles, you take him downstairs,
and you beat the shit out of him.
Yeah! Yeah!
Sorry, kid. You heard the man.
No! No! Please, no!
OK. Justice has been served, everybody.
You can go home.
(Grumbling)
Oh, wait a minute. What am I saying?
If you guys aren't doing anything tonight,
we got George Clinton inside.
He's tuning up on the main stage.
Sounds like another one of the white man's lies to me.
Yeah! Yeah!
(Funk music playing)
Or maybe not.
Let's check it out.
Hey, wait a minute!
What about us?
Yeah, that little dork tripped over the main plug
and lost all our theses!
OK, that's no problem. You guys come with me.
All right? The rest of you--
5 bucks a head, and the line forms to the left.
OK. What's your major?
Um, particle physics?
That's a tough one.
Ooh...motion of helium atoms in an excited stage.
Watch out, it's a scorcher.
Next.
Uh...Sanskrit.
Sanskrit.
You're majoring in a 5,000-year-old dead language?
Yeah.
OK.
Ooh.
Latin--it's the best I can do.
Next.
Phys. Ed.
Phys. Ed. OK, you're out of my room.
Seriously. Get out.
Hello, Port Chester University.
(Cheering)
This is...
George...Clinton.
George Cl-Clinton...
Parliament Funkadelic.
And the Parliament Funkadelic.
(Cheers and applause)
* Tear the roof off the mother *
* Tear the roof off the mother-sucker *
* Tear the roof off the sucker *
* Yeah
* Yeah, yeah *
* Mm-mm
* You got a real type of thing *
* Goin' down, gettin' down *
* There's a whole lotta rhythm goin' 'round *
* You got a real type of thing *
* Goin' down, gettin' down *
* There's a whole lotta rhythm goin' 'round *
* We want to funk...
All right, sisters.
We've had a mild setback, but we've regrouped.
Let's mobilise.
Isn't this George Clinton?
No, couldn't be.
It's got to be a cover band,
he'd never play the pit.
Does sound like him...though.
Guys...
maybe we should bag the protest.
What? No! No!
B-b-but, Sam!
Their party flier promotes
the objectification of women.
Maybe...
but they've also got a really kickin' party goin' on.
That's great, Sam.
Why don't we just
forget about fighting the phallacracy
for a few hours
and go have a good time, right?
Exactly.
Excuse me.
Come back! You can't go!
I can't believe her!
* ...Working up my appetite
We're locked in!
* Lookin' forward to a little afternoon delight *
I'm a black man.
There's no justice for me here in America.
I should be at the front of the line.
Yeah, well, I'm gay
and subject to ridicule and discrimination
wherever I go.
Women are oppressed throughout the world.
Give it a rest.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hey, Moles. How are we doin'?
Got about a thou here,
plus I got Cecelia on the other door.
What other door?
Hold it! One or two?
What?
One or two?
Two.
4 bucks.
Light a match.
God, Gutter, take the can, will you?
Take the can. 2 to stand, 4 to sit.
Hey-hey!
Not so fast, superguy.
* Every time I comb my hair *
* Thoughts of you get in my eyes *
* You're always sayin' that I don't care *
Have a good party.
Whoo-hoo!
Good party.
Have a good party!
Look at this unbridled display of testosterone.
Makes me sick.
Do it, man! Go on!
Hey!
What's up, babes?
Pack up your rape culture and take a hike!
Ha ha ha!
You want a brewdog?
We're not interested in your penis!
Wait. Wait.
I think he's offering us a beer.
Um, yes...
we would like...
a beer.
OK.
Gimme a beer! Gimme a beer!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
It's like...
if you're nice to them, they bring you things?
Exactly.
* How I wish you'd understand *
Raji, Deege, get up. Come on. We got company.
Hey, Droz.
* How I wish you were my date *
Hey!
You know what, Droz?
What's up, baby?
I'm 18!
Yeah! I'm up at a college for the weekend!
Yeah?
I'm gettin' wasted
at one of the greatest rages of all time!
My parents--they're nowhere in sight.
Nowhere.
There--there are women are all around me.
Right.
Why the hell am I talkin' to you?
Ha! No idea, baby.
I don't know!
Do it big time!
Whoa!
Hey! You made it!
Yeah!
Decent party.
I can't believe the naked guy showed.
Naked guy!
Excellent butt!
Now it's a party!
Gangway!
Hey!
Gutter! Hey, Gut man!
Hey! Gutter!
What's up, Mersh?
Total nightmare scenario, man.
We spotted you, like, 20 minutes
in the ride lot.
No show, right?
Discouraged at Civic and nix!
Clinton bails!
Mersh, you gotta lay off the pipe, man!
Clinton is playing right here!
* Erotic city come alive... *
Marvellous!
Whoo!
* Sky rockets in flight *
* Afternoon delight...
(Moaning)
Aah!
* It's throbbin'
* Whee-whee-whoo-whee
* Whoo-whoo whoo-whoo whoo-whoo *
* It's throbbin'
* Hey hey hey-hey
* Friction keeps me throbbing *
* Every time we do the stomp *
* And I'll be starving
* For the next time that we bump *
Tom!
* Work up a sweat and wipe it off *
* And stomp some more...
Hi!
Hey! Whoa! Hey! What's goin' on?
What?
Uh, hey, do you want to go someplace?
(Grunt)
Ow!
Don't!
Heh.
Move it, you little pervert.
Eh...eh...ah!
Ooh...agh!
Ow!
Ooh!
Round up your cohorts, McPherson.
You're getting your house back.
Yes!
* Stomp stomp stomp stomp
* Oooh!
* Who's that stompin' up there? *
I have some big news.
7,000...500...
68 dollars!
The damage money and 100 to spare!
Yeah! Yeah!
Who wants to break some more shit?
I do!
"A Bridge Too Far."
Caine and Hackman in the same movie together!
This is my thesis, man! This is my closing argument!
I can stop watchin' TV!
Yeah!
* Stomp stomp stomp stomp, yeah *
Yeah!
* Go stomp
(Pigman yelling)
* Stomp
* Go stomp
* I said we're jumpin' and a-rockin' and a-stompin' *
* Till the break of dawn
* Jump up and shout
* 'Cause you got funk in your feet *
* Go stomp
* Don't you let down on me *
* Get stompin' with your shoes *
* Stomp
* Ooh, when I start stompin' *
* Girl, I believe I'm good at this *
* Go stomp
* All around the dance floor
* Stompin' at its best
* Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp *
* Till you can't stop, till you can't stop, ooh *
* Go stomp
* Till you can't stop, till you can't stop *
* Stomp
* Till you can't stop, till you can't stop, ooh *
(Roar)
* Go stomp *
* Stomp till you can't stop, till you can't stop, ooh *
* Stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp *
Stop it right now!
Moonbeam, what are you doing here?
All right, everyone.
You've let these warped nihilists
corrupt you long enough.
Back to your dorms.
Funk you very much, too.
Let's get the hell out of here, y'all.
We don't need this. Stomp no more.
Boo! Party-pooper.
Thanks for tanking the party.
That was real nice.
But I got some bad news.
We actually raised enough money,
so we're keeping the house.
Recognise these, Mr. Andrews?
They're complaint forms.
And between today's activities
and tonight's little exercise in offensiveness,
I can assure you
there are more than enough to kick you all off campus.
All right, boys. Let's close it down.
I warned you your attitude was disrupting this campus.
The students have spoken.
You're out of here.
Bye. Thanks for the party...
oppressors.
I've got one question.
If we're movin' out, who's movin' in?
Hi, everybody.
Hey, what's wrong?
Aw, looks like you guys went all out tonight,
raised $7,000. Wow!
What's the matter, forehead,
trying to figure it out?
Well, let's see.
We give you the damage bill,
you, of course, predictably throw
a disgusting party, all the freaky freakies
come out of the woodwork to protest,
and you're out of here.
Well, we still trashed your beemer,
you screaming preppy asshole.
Right!
That's not my car.
(Alarm beeps)
Warning. You are too close to the vehicle.
Huh...
Now get off my lawn.
Move!
Wait a second.
You guys can't let them just walk in
and take the pit.
We could go Waco on 'em, man.
We could blow up our own house.
Nah, ran out of explosives.
What we need is a plan.
OK. Garcia-Thompson's the president.
She's the one that's kicking you out, right?
Yeah.
What if she wasn't the president anymore?
That sounds nice in theory and all,
but how the hell are we supposed to pull that one off?
I overheard some old guys talking.
They want to get rid of Thompson,
but legally they can't,
not unless she screws something up
really, really big.
(Marching band plays)
Whoo.
I'd like to welcome everyone
to Port Chester's 200th Anniversary Celebration.
Before we get started, please observe
that your program notes have been printed
on recycled paper.
Birthdays are a way of remembering one's history...
Perfect.
Those homeless people at the pit
didn't even bother to show.
They're probably grubbin' quarters
at the bus station by now.
Welcome PCU's most recent change,
our new school mascot,
the Port Chester Whooping Crane.
(Applause)
Hey, guys, it's a beautiful day, isn't it?
Oh, God. Not now!
Hey, what's up?
(Grunting)
Threatened by hunters and developers
and those awful plastic six-pack can holder things.
But here at Port Chester,
she will be closely watched and tended to,
safe and enclosed from a natural habitat
that is so fraught with danger.
Oh, my God.
STUDENT: I hear they taste like chicken.
What's he doing?
Let's all give it up for Andrea Garcia-Thompson
and her amazing and impromptu rare bird show.
The bird show. The amazing bird show.
The wonderful bird show. The bird show.
I don't have a lot of time to say this,
but I've got to get something off my chest.
Last night, my house threw a party,
and I thought that we all finally got along.
We had a good time.
But we got so many protests, we broke so many rules,
that we got booted off campus.
You know, it used to be the administration's job
to make rules.
It used to be us against them.
Now it's us against us.
I've been here for 7 years, and I got to tell you guys,
what's going on here is about America.
Shut up.
It's about democracy.
It's about the Bill of Rights
and basic cable, call-waiting,
and free trips to the salad bar.
It's about everything that makes this country great.
Our country!
We can do something about this.
We can finally say...
that when some people are having a good time,
and drinking some beers and throwing some meat,
that we're not going to protest.
In fact, I promised myself I wouldn't do this.
I'm sorry.
If we could just say that, if only to each other,
just this one time,
that we're not gonna protest...
That we're not gonna protest?
We're not gonna protest!
This is not good.
This is really not good.
We're not gonna protest!
Chant sheets! Get your chant sheets.
Right here.
We got placards here. Placards here.
OK. We got placards here.
Placards for everybody.
We brought our own.
We're not gonna protest!
Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
Everyone, please, take your seats.
Be quiet!
I'm asking you to be quiet, everyone.
Be quiet!
B.D., get us out of here before they touch me.
Please take your seats.
Be quiet!
Thompson, your inability to control the students
has convinced us that you are
an ineffective president.
What? What are you talking about?
You're fired, Thompson!
Dismissed, booted, sacked,
history, shit-canned,
out of here.
What are you doing?
B.D., go beat up the pre-frosh.
The little kid?
He's a pit spy, you Neanderthal. Go kick his ass.
Thanks, guys.
I feel much better now.
Oh, OK. Thank you.
We're not gonna protest!
Gutter is a tool!
ALL: Gutter is a tool!
We're not gonna protest!
Here's to Balls and Shaft!
I scheme and plan for months,
and it all gets screwed up
because you can't control the students!
Never send a woman to do a man's job!
You cocky, pointy-nosed little Reaganite.
If you hadn't provoked them,
we wouldn't be in this mess.
Excuse me? Reality check here.
Earth to tall bitch.
What is your fault? This is.
Hey, poor boy, go and have your parties
with all your new friends.
I can see it now, Andrews,
you and all the knee-jerk, bleeding-heart liberals,
sipping tea and playing patty cake
and those useless hippie potheads,
those commie-pinko leftists,
the bunny huggers, the pillow biters--
Which ones are the pillow biters?
The butt-pirates.
And those beastly man-haters.
Tell those chicks to shave their pits
and call me.
The Goddamn whiny cry-baby minorities,
you can keep 'em all.
Rand McPherson, everybody.
Just remember the 9:30 show
is completely different from the 7:30 show.
Enjoy the veal.
Come on! Come on!
And in light of your valiant actions to save this house,
we all think it's time to take part
in the one tradition left over
from the dark days of Balls and Shaft.
Tom Lawrence, prepare yourself...
for initiation.
Just try to relax.
Uh, Droz...
Yeah.
There's my bus.
Oh, man.
Damn!
We're just gonna have to get you next year.
Don't let him scare you.
It's only hurts for a minute.
Hey, Gut man, watch the stylings
on the youngster.
Nice.
I'll see ya.
Aw. Oh.
In the fall.
Yeah! Yeah!
All right, little half-chunk.
Bye, Tom.
(All talking at once)
KATY: Hey, Cecilia. Wait up.
Am I interrupting anything?
Oh, no. We were just rehearsing.
The Nutcracker.
Really?
Yeah, on ice.
Should be pretty decent
once we get Gutter up on skates.
God, I think I'd actually pay to see that.
You would?
Let's get out of here. You and I.
Seriously. Just hit the road.
Actually, I was thinking
more along the lines of a cup of coffee.
A cup of coffee?
Yeah.
Let's do that.
Hey, let's drive down.
Indeed, driving for coffee.
We don't have a car.
I do. For the weekend, anyway.
My aunt lent me her red BMW convertible.
Really?
* I've been on tenterhooks
* Ending in dirty looks
* Listenin' to the Muzak
* Thinkin' 'bout this and that *
* She said, that's that
* I don't wanna chitter-chat
Aah!
* Turn it down flat
* Pump it up
* When you don't really need it *
* Pump it up
* Until you can feel it
* Down in the pleasure centre
* Hell-bent or heaven-sent
* Listen to the propaganda
* Listen to the latest slander *
* There's nothing underhand
* That she wouldn't understand
* Pump it up
* Until you can feel it
* Pump it up
* When you don't really need it *
* Hey
* She's been a bad girl
* She's like a chemical
* Though you try and stop it
* She's like a narcotic
* You wanna torture her
* You wanna talk to her
* All the things you bought for her *
* Putting up your temperature *
* Pump it up
* Until you can feel it
* Pump it up
* When you don't really need it *
* Out in the fashion show *
* Down in the bargain bin
* You put your passion out
* Under the pressure pin
* Fall into submission
* Hit-and-run transmission
* No use wishin' now for any other *
* Sin
* Pump it up
* Until you can feel it
* Pump it up
* When you don't really need it *
* Don't really need it
* Pump it up
* Don't really need it
* Every time we do the stomp *
* I'll be starving for the next time that we funk *
* I'm soaking wet as I recall us on the dance floor *
* Work up a sweat and wipe it off *
* Then stomp some more *
* Ah, ooh ooh ooh
* Oh, yeah
* Ah, ooh
* Yeah *
* Stomp stomp stomp stomp
* People that don't get a chance to dance *
* Stomp and keep on stompin' *
* 'Cause there be no second chance *
* Stomp with me, start stompin' *
* Please don't stop
* We won't break till daybreak *
* Baby, this time, it won't go again *
* Shake what you got
* In your pants
* And only when you're stompin' like this *
* Stomp now
* Stomp stomp stomp stomp
* I'm stomping, you're thumpin' *
* I'm steppin', you're struttin' *
* I'm sweatin' my sweat * Till you're wet
* I'm stompin', you're struttin' *
* Workin' my sweat till you're wet *
* Workin' my sweat
* I'm stompin', you're struttin' *
* Workin' my sweat till you're wet *
* Workin' my sweat