1 00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:02,371 (CLOCK CHIMING) 2 00:01:12,840 --> 00:01:13,921 (BABY CRYING) 3 00:02:54,200 --> 00:02:56,726 WOMAN: Hey, look! It's the President! 4 00:02:58,440 --> 00:02:59,601 And the Pope! 5 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,449 Yee-aah! Yah! 6 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,529 Ooh-la-la-la-la-la! 7 00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:19,165 MAN: Oh, my God! Look! It's disgruntled postal workers! 8 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:21,201 (CLICK) 9 00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:40,410 Wait a minute! Give me my baby back! 10 00:03:45,160 --> 00:03:46,286 Aah! Aah! 11 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:50,604 - Frank! Are you all right? - I'm soaking wet. 12 00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:53,923 - I'll get the talcum powder. - No, I had a nightmare. 13 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,765 There was crime all around me. I couldn't stop it. 14 00:03:56,880 --> 00:03:59,645 - It was just a dream. - You're right. 15 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:04,322 All I need is a good rest. In the morning everything'll be fine. 16 00:07:06,480 --> 00:07:07,811 (DOGS WHINE) 17 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,122 How's my little boy? 18 00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:28,248 Getting along okay, sweetie? 19 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,766 As well as a heterosexual can in prison. 20 00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:33,650 I don't know how much longer I can take it. 21 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:36,291 - How's Tanya? - Tanya's the same. 22 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:39,409 Milky, creamy skin, pouting red lips, 23 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,966 firm buttocks, ample breasts, 24 00:07:42,040 --> 00:07:44,281 ears you want to stick your tongue into. 25 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,129 Ma! I'll get guy cramps! 26 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,841 Sorry. Rocco, there's somebody here to see you. 27 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,404 Papshmir. 28 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,482 My people are very upset. 29 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:02,484 They're always upset. They're Arab terrorists. 30 00:08:02,560 --> 00:08:04,483 Ma, please. 31 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:07,848 You're supposed to be the best terrorist bomber in the world. 32 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,321 Stations, stores, government buildings... 33 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,640 The devastation in Florida. 34 00:08:11,760 --> 00:08:15,560 - That was Hurricane Andrew. - That's what they told the public. 35 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:17,921 We wanted to embarrass the United States, 36 00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:21,402 and you made the police look like international heroes. 37 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:24,967 A first-class job costs 5 million. 38 00:08:25,040 --> 00:08:27,281 If you want to step up to the price, 39 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:31,291 I got a target that'll make City Hall look like chicken feed. 40 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:39,244 That's a big target, but why should I think anything would be different? 41 00:08:39,320 --> 00:08:41,288 $5 million buys me. 42 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,525 - I'm breaking out of here. - All right, 43 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:50,367 but fail this time and my people won't be so forgiving. 44 00:08:50,440 --> 00:08:55,401 Fail? Show me one man who can stop me. 45 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,485 I used to be a renegade 46 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,564 I used to fool around 47 00:09:17,160 --> 00:09:19,606 But I couldn't take the punishment 48 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,368 I had to settle down 49 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,646 Now I'm playing it real straight 50 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,650 And yes, I cut my hair... 51 00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:35,202 PA: Attention shoppers. Be sure to check out our special on aisle 7. 52 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:37,845 It's hip to be square... 53 00:09:38,280 --> 00:09:40,282 PA: That's aisle 7. 54 00:09:45,760 --> 00:09:46,761 Hey! 55 00:09:48,680 --> 00:09:50,205 Give it to me! 56 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:52,601 LADY: My purse! Somebody help me! 57 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:56,162 THIEF: I want the purse, lady. LADY: Help me! 58 00:09:57,080 --> 00:09:59,367 He's a jolly good fellow 59 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:03,082 For he's a jolly good fellow 60 00:10:03,480 --> 00:10:06,051 Which nobody can deny 61 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,571 Hear! Hear! 62 00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:14,807 Well, we shot a lot of people together. It's been great. 63 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:18,601 But today I retire, so if I do any shooting now, 64 00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:21,451 it'll have to be within the confines of my own home. 65 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:25,889 Hopefully, an intruder and not an in-law, like at my bachelor party. 66 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,440 Well, Ed. 67 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:31,410 - I officially give you my gun. - Aw... 68 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:36,326 And my badge. 69 00:10:36,440 --> 00:10:38,283 (WHIMPERS) 70 00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:40,405 And... 71 00:10:40,480 --> 00:10:45,566 Jane and I would like to keep the handcuffs as a souvenir. 72 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:51,007 - Oh, gee... - Cheer up, Ed. This is not goodbye. 73 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:54,006 It's just I won't ever see you again. 74 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:55,566 Oh, Frank. 75 00:10:57,880 --> 00:11:00,406 LADY: My purse! Somebody help me! 76 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,687 THIEF: Out of the way. 77 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:04,967 Lieutenant Drebin! Frank! Didn't you see that? 78 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:08,487 What? Oh, yes. Kitty litter. 79 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,528 Two bags for a dollar. Great. 80 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:15,925 Order. The jury will disregard that statement. Continue, Counsellor. 81 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,366 Alimony had been set by the court. Right, Mr. Clayton? 82 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:20,930 Yes, but... 83 00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:24,447 But not once have you paid alimony to my client, 84 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,444 repeatedly defying a court order. 85 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,524 I lost her address. She moved twice, I couldn't keep up. 86 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:33,809 Don't lie to me. You're under oath. 87 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:36,082 Do you know the penalty for perjury? 88 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:37,161 (BABIES CRYING) 89 00:11:38,040 --> 00:11:39,883 I'll ask that again. 90 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:43,407 Objection! Your Honour, I... ow, ow. 91 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:44,561 Jeez! 92 00:11:44,720 --> 00:11:48,202 - Counsel is leading the witness. - Sustained. 93 00:11:48,440 --> 00:11:49,646 (GAVEL POUNDS) 94 00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:52,731 Sweetie, Mommy said no pounding when she's in session. 95 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,644 Please read the prosecution's last statement. 96 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:58,326 "Don't lie to me. You're under oath." 97 00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,323 - (BURP) - There. 98 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:03,809 "Do you know the penalty for perjury?" 99 00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,644 That's all I have, Your Honour. 100 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,326 You may continue, Ms. Spencer-Drebin. 101 00:12:11,720 --> 00:12:14,530 Er... prosecution rests. 102 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,206 Defence, Ms. Davis-Jacob-Steiner-Laszlo? 103 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:19,089 No further questions, Your Honour. 104 00:12:19,160 --> 00:12:22,084 Court will recess until after the morning feed. 105 00:12:22,160 --> 00:12:23,525 (SQUEAK) 106 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:29,161 We're gonna win this. I can feel it. 107 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,242 Yes. Of course. 108 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:33,926 I married the wrong man. 109 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:36,082 I never thought that was possible. 110 00:12:36,160 --> 00:12:39,084 - I beg your pardon? - Oh, nothing. 111 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,448 Louise, there's no such thing as the wrong man. 112 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:46,524 You just have to work at it. 113 00:12:46,640 --> 00:12:49,928 Now, let's see. Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, right? 114 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:55,723 Now, you two have been married for six months? 115 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:59,441 Yes. We really appreciate you seeing us, Doctor. 116 00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,966 You were recommended by our last therapist. 117 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,203 Yes, I was sorry to hear about his suicide. 118 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:09,285 You know, I feel it's important to get off on the right foot 119 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:11,806 and not get caught up in blame. 120 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,281 Now, which one of you is impotent? 121 00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:17,443 - That would be him. - Yes, of course. 122 00:13:17,520 --> 00:13:21,127 - Why don't you ask who's frigid? - That would be him, also. 123 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:25,046 - How do you know? You're never home. - He resents that I work. 124 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,566 He has no idea what a woman wants. 125 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:29,642 You're so insensitive. 126 00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,327 - Is this the toilet seat thing? - It's babies, Frank. 127 00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:37,166 I want to have a baby. Whenever we make love, you get a headache. 128 00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:40,164 I'm not a piece of meat, Jane. I'm trying. 129 00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:42,971 I've got ointments, lotions, creams, books, 130 00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:44,849 things that vibrate. 131 00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:46,922 - Frank! - Maybe it's your fault. 132 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:52,320 Have you tried sexy lingerie? Some lacy underwear, a black teddy? 133 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,767 I've worn them all. They don't work. 134 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:56,201 Oh. 135 00:13:56,600 --> 00:13:58,489 Why don't you want a child? 136 00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:01,609 Didn't I try to adopt that 18-year-old Korean girl? 137 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:07,006 Jane, Frank, here's what I suggest. 138 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:10,084 Make tonight a special night. 139 00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,010 Dinner, wine, romantic music. 140 00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:16,363 Put on the 24-hour Johnny Mathis station. 141 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,603 Just be Jane and Frank, lovers. 142 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,885 We haven't had a night like that in a long time. 143 00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,281 - Not together. - Frank? 144 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,121 Jane... 145 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,806 Having a baby is a big responsibility. 146 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,123 It's like being in charge of sanitation at a Haitian jail. 147 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,362 I'm just frightened. 148 00:14:38,480 --> 00:14:41,723 Frank, let's make tonight something special. 149 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,724 Oh, honey, it's just that I love you so much. 150 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,768 My little lover sparrow. 151 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:50,690 My puppy-wuppy wover. 152 00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,888 My little love biscuit. 153 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:55,008 My little shnooky-wookums. 154 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,487 My little lady cheesy puppy. 155 00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:03,486 Mr. and Mrs. Drebin, please. I'm diabetic. I think you should go now. 156 00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,688 I never thought we'd end this way. 157 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:10,009 How did you think we'd end? 158 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,128 I don't know. 159 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,361 Some other way. 160 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,329 Oh, Jason. 161 00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,045 (CRYING) 162 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:25,681 (DOORBELL) 163 00:15:30,680 --> 00:15:33,570 Ed! Nordberg! It's been a long time. 164 00:15:33,640 --> 00:15:36,689 Hiya, Frank! You look terrific! 165 00:15:36,760 --> 00:15:40,685 Thank you. The little woman got me a Thighmaster. 166 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:43,411 Where are my manners? Come on in. 167 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:45,970 How charming! 168 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,361 Sit, sit. 169 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:51,284 Excuse the mess. It's my ironing day. 170 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,522 I just frosted some cupcakes. 171 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,405 - Would you care for one? - Oh, not just now. 172 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,370 Frank, we have a problem with a terrorist threat. 173 00:15:59,440 --> 00:16:02,444 - Police Squad is certain... - I'd love a cupcake. 174 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:05,444 - That coffee smells great. - I grind my own beans. 175 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:09,570 Frank, the reason we're here is that we need your help. 176 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,164 It's great! 177 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:22,244 I hoped you'd like them. Made them from scratch. 178 00:16:22,320 --> 00:16:24,163 I'll just get off my feet. 179 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:29,121 We may have a lead on a suspect in the City Hall bombing attempt. 180 00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,851 These were taken by a news photographer. 181 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,605 - This girl was the diversion. - We had them enlarged. 182 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:36,404 They look familiar. 183 00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,365 No, the pin, she's a nurse. 184 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:41,688 Can I keep this one? 185 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,684 We traced her to the Karlson Clinic on Myrtlewood. 186 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:47,604 - She's Tanya Peters. - Tanya Peters? 187 00:16:47,680 --> 00:16:52,129 - You know her? - Don't you remember in the 1970s? 188 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:54,208 The big disco shoot-out. 189 00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,680 (STAYIN'ALIVE PLAYING) 190 00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:58,889 Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk 191 00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,282 I'm a woman's man, no time to talk 192 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:03,569 The music loud, the women warm 193 00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:05,682 I've been kicked around since I was born 194 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,083 But it's all right, I'm OK 195 00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,608 You may look the other way 196 00:17:10,680 --> 00:17:11,886 We can try to understand... 197 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:15,203 Ed, what's happening, my man? 198 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:18,807 Frank, we missed you last night at the fondue party. 199 00:17:18,880 --> 00:17:22,646 I went to see the Village People. They're a stone soul gas, man. 200 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:25,121 - I can dig it. - What have we got here? 201 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:27,282 One dead disco dancer. 202 00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,526 Bummer. What a mindbender, huh? 203 00:17:30,600 --> 00:17:32,648 We think it was a love triangle. 204 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:35,963 This is the suspect's girlfriend, Tanya Peters. 205 00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:37,246 Cigarette? 206 00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:39,209 Yes, I know. 207 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,210 Well, we'll need a statement from you down at the station. 208 00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:45,487 Nordberg! 209 00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:47,483 Coming, Lieutenant! 210 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,208 I do remember. 211 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:02,250 You were one of the first test cases for minoxidil, weren't you? 212 00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,608 - What? - I'm glad I could help. 213 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:08,445 Now, I've got some lamb to put in the oven. 214 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,124 We need a favour. 215 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:12,487 It's not that big a roast, Nordberg. 216 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:14,403 No, not that, Frank. 217 00:18:14,480 --> 00:18:16,926 We need you to go undercover at the clinic. 218 00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:19,048 Whoa! I've given up police work, Ed. 219 00:18:19,160 --> 00:18:21,640 You're whistling up the wrong neck of the woods. 220 00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:26,442 - We're in a bind, Frank. - What about Hedges and O'Malley? 221 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:29,364 They're in Hawaii. Together. 222 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:34,928 Well, I can't. Jane and I have a special evening planned. 223 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,446 You'll be home in time to make dinner. 224 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:40,046 I'd have to make pork chops. 225 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:43,203 Frank, think of all the crime out there. 226 00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,886 Nobody is safe. You'd be protecting Jane. 227 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,770 You'd be protecting all the Janes of the world. 228 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:51,047 And you haven't shot anybody in months. 229 00:18:51,120 --> 00:18:54,920 That's true. Funny how you miss the little things. 230 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,048 Might be good to feel that cold, hard steel 231 00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,407 pressed against my thigh once again. 232 00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,086 The thrill of the chase, to be a man. 233 00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:07,087 After folding the laundry, I went to the Karlson Clinic. 234 00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:10,005 It's always important to have a disguise 235 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:13,050 and this operation was no different. 236 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,486 I had no idea if Tanya would recognise me, 237 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,961 so I slipped on a fake pair of glasses 238 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:22,281 and combed my hair differently. 239 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,283 The plan was to get in, 240 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:27,330 get information about Tanya's link with the bombing, 241 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,926 and get out as quickly as possible. 242 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:34,164 I figured faking an old football injury would do the trick. 243 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:38,443 - Can I help you? - I'd like to see a doctor, please. 244 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,000 Sign in here, please. 245 00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:46,291 - Do you have an appointment, Mr... - Er, Smith. No, I don't. 246 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:47,930 Take a number. 247 00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:49,485 Six. 248 00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,040 - What? - Is six taken? 249 00:19:52,120 --> 00:19:54,441 Does it have to be between 1 and 10? 250 00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,762 You'll be called. 251 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:02,451 Thank you. 252 00:20:08,200 --> 00:20:09,964 Mr. Smith? 253 00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:15,281 We've had a cancellation. We can take you now. 254 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:18,131 Good morning, Mr. Smith. This way. 255 00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:21,727 I really appreciate your seeing me like this. 256 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,485 I'm sure it won't take too long. 257 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,481 When did you notice the problem? 258 00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:35,643 Uh, in the back yard with my uncle. 259 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,849 In the back yard with your uncle? 260 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:41,002 Yes. When he comes over to visit, 261 00:20:41,080 --> 00:20:45,165 we like to go in the back yard, throw it around for a while. 262 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:48,528 What did you and your uncle find out? 263 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:52,361 I can't keep up with him. Mine hurt, especially on the long ones. 264 00:20:52,480 --> 00:20:55,450 I can't seem to straighten it out. 265 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:57,966 It has no feeling. It's kind of numb. 266 00:20:59,160 --> 00:21:01,686 I may have yanked it too much. 267 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:09,286 - If you would. - For what? 268 00:21:09,360 --> 00:21:12,364 - A sperm count. - In here? 269 00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:16,126 It's not exactly the back yard, but it'll do. 270 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:18,328 Well... 271 00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:22,971 (ZIP) 272 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,769 (SHOUTING AND YELPING) 273 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,885 (GLASS BREAKING) 274 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,405 (ZIP) 275 00:21:35,320 --> 00:21:38,767 Follow me, and we'll do the necessary paperwork. 276 00:21:42,040 --> 00:21:45,408 Sign these at the bottom and leave them with the nurse. 277 00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,128 - This way, please. - What? 278 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,248 - Number 17. - Oh, no. 279 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,288 - A problem? - No, no. 280 00:21:54,360 --> 00:21:58,001 - This is 17. - Have we met before? 281 00:21:58,080 --> 00:22:00,686 If you'll excuse me, I'm next. 282 00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:02,531 Ooh! Aah! 283 00:22:02,920 --> 00:22:04,888 Agh! Eurgh! 284 00:22:06,280 --> 00:22:07,884 - Sir? - Aah! 285 00:22:08,440 --> 00:22:10,568 Mr. Smith, how are we doing? 286 00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:12,687 (SHEEP BLEATS) 287 00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:14,762 I've been busy. 288 00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:19,528 - Do you want a videotape to help? - Do you have Dances With Wolves? 289 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,001 Rocketeer? Lady And The Tramp? 290 00:22:22,080 --> 00:22:23,809 An adult movie. 291 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:26,441 Hmm... 292 00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,082 Ooh! Aah! Yeow! 293 00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,443 The tape was very entertaining. 294 00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:41,288 Follow me. 295 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:43,966 Do you have Spartacus? 296 00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:08,406 PA: Maintenance. Clean-up, room 7. 297 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,768 Maintenance. Clean-up, room 7. Stat. 298 00:23:17,760 --> 00:23:20,650 - What are you doing? - Just freshening up. 299 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:24,645 You should look your best even though you're by yourself. 300 00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:27,889 Are you sure we've never met? 301 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:30,770 Here's my cup. Back to work. 302 00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:34,601 - Knocking. - Mr. Smith? 303 00:23:35,000 --> 00:23:38,163 - Are you okay in there? - I could use a little help. 304 00:23:39,680 --> 00:23:42,843 PA: Dr. Rosenblatt, foreplay in room 7, please. 305 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:44,809 Dr. Rosenblatt. 306 00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,689 (ROMANTIC MUSIC) 307 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,604 Honey, I've been waiting all day. 308 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:10,081 I'm wearing the nightgown you bought me for our honeymoon. 309 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:14,765 Tonight's going to be special. 310 00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:18,128 I'm going to make love to you for hours and hours. 311 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:21,048 Wouldn't Mr. Happy like that? 312 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:25,605 - Hours? - Like our first time together. 313 00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:29,605 Jane, why don't I soak in the tub for a couple of days? 314 00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:31,967 Possibly a week. 315 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:33,644 You're so cute. 316 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:36,644 Let me go get the oysters and clams. 317 00:24:36,800 --> 00:24:39,485 Walk my way 318 00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:44,449 And a thousand violins 319 00:24:44,560 --> 00:24:46,722 Begin to play 320 00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:49,570 Or it might be the sound 321 00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:52,769 Of your hello 322 00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:55,561 That music I hear 323 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,085 I get misty 324 00:24:58,720 --> 00:25:01,963 The moment you're near 325 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:06,921 You can say 326 00:25:07,120 --> 00:25:11,364 That you're leading me on... 327 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,161 Here. 328 00:25:13,280 --> 00:25:15,931 I'll shave your back like last time. 329 00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:18,924 Jane, I really don't think we should. I... 330 00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,400 Frank! What's this? 331 00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:24,403 I fell on a rake. 332 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:28,405 You're lying. Now I know why Ed's been calling. 333 00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:32,849 - You're back on a case, aren't you? - No, I swear. It's another woman! 334 00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:34,888 In your wildest dreams! 335 00:25:34,960 --> 00:25:39,204 It's bad enough not having a baby, but I warned you about Police Squad, 336 00:25:39,280 --> 00:25:41,851 you white Anglo male! 337 00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:43,929 Jane! Ah! Jane! 338 00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:48,245 It was nothing, Jane. I was doing Ed a small favour! 339 00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,085 Some retirement. I'm leaving, Frank. 340 00:25:51,160 --> 00:25:53,640 I never thought you'd go back on your word. 341 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:55,961 - Aren't you being hasty? - I don't think so. 342 00:25:56,080 --> 00:26:00,244 - (DOORBELL) - That's my cab. I'll be at Louise's. 343 00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:05,167 Oh, Frank, how could you? We need time apart to think about us. 344 00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:08,562 I'm not going to think. Why start now? I love you. 345 00:26:08,640 --> 00:26:11,723 Look, baby, I am what I am and I do what I do. 346 00:26:11,840 --> 00:26:14,241 A few guys make shoelaces, some lay sod, 347 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,561 some make a living neutering animals. 348 00:26:16,640 --> 00:26:19,086 - I'm a cop. - Pretty speech, Frank. 349 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:21,401 But my mind is made up. I'm leaving. 350 00:26:21,480 --> 00:26:22,891 All right. 351 00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:25,008 Then take this with you. 352 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,685 You know how my lips feel about things. 353 00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:34,041 (DOORBELL) 354 00:26:39,680 --> 00:26:41,284 Goodbye, Frank. 355 00:26:41,360 --> 00:26:46,048 RADIO: You're listening to KSAD, all-depressing, all the time. 356 00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:49,602 Here's a dedication to Frank from Jane, who just called from a taxi. 357 00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:51,887 "Frank, you lying weasel-weenie. 358 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:56,682 "First you shoot blanks, now you're letting all the heat out... " 359 00:27:00,200 --> 00:27:04,330 He said he'd never go back to police work. Once a cop, always a cop. 360 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:08,724 - He's married to his work. - You'll always come in second. 361 00:27:08,840 --> 00:27:13,368 There was an article in Cosmo, "Why all men are pigs". 362 00:27:13,440 --> 00:27:16,410 "Frank" is just another word for loser. 363 00:27:16,480 --> 00:27:18,130 I never want to see him again. 364 00:27:18,240 --> 00:27:20,971 I want to get as far away as possible. 365 00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,884 We'll go to my friend's cabin by the smelting plant. 366 00:27:23,960 --> 00:27:25,962 The fresh air will do you good. 367 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,651 Go easy. That's your second bottle of Chanel. 368 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:32,486 You're witnessing the beginning of a new Jane Spencer-Drebin. 369 00:27:32,560 --> 00:27:36,087 No more little miss perky, devoting her life to one man. 370 00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,128 I'm out for the new me. 371 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:40,248 Let's burn rubber. 372 00:27:43,040 --> 00:27:47,011 - Didn't forget anything, did you? - I hope not. 373 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:54,769 Just calm down, ma'am. How many bodies did you find in your pool? 374 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:59,289 Sir, killing a gang member's only an $18 fine. Just mail it in. 375 00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:02,051 Frank! Glad you could make it! 376 00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:03,685 - Welcome, buddy. - Nordberg. 377 00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,087 Did you find Tanya's address, Frank? 378 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:10,290 I wrote it on a hanky, and I can't remember what I did with it. 379 00:28:10,400 --> 00:28:13,802 - I'm getting a bit rusty. - It could happen to anybody. 380 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:17,561 I brought you some of Frank's never-fail fudge! 381 00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:20,687 You go on about your business. 382 00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:23,724 I'll stay out of your hair. 383 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:25,245 It'll be... 384 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:31,043 Frank, let me take that. We've got a surprise for you. 385 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:34,761 It's in honour of your 30 years on the force. Nordberg. 386 00:28:37,200 --> 00:28:40,727 Oh, boy. This is really great. 387 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:46,522 Thank you, guys. 388 00:28:46,600 --> 00:28:48,409 We thought it might cheer you up. 389 00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,562 We heard about you and Jane. 390 00:28:50,640 --> 00:28:54,690 Jane, Jane. That name will always remind me of her. 391 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:58,003 Frank, I feel really bad about all of this. 392 00:28:58,080 --> 00:29:00,003 If there's anything you need. 393 00:29:00,080 --> 00:29:02,242 Dr. Kevorkian's home phone number? 394 00:29:02,320 --> 00:29:04,926 Nordberg, put it together. 395 00:29:05,000 --> 00:29:07,651 - Frank, you know we're here for you. - Thanks, Ed. 396 00:29:07,720 --> 00:29:11,202 Well, look who's here. Hi, Frank. Nice to see you. 397 00:29:11,280 --> 00:29:14,887 - I've got that data on the bomb. - What did you find out? 398 00:29:15,000 --> 00:29:17,765 The explosive is a very fine powder. 399 00:29:18,280 --> 00:29:22,444 - It tastes like... - That's fertiliser. Another case. 400 00:29:22,520 --> 00:29:25,046 This is what I'm talking about. 401 00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:28,010 We detected a high quantity of nitroglycerine. 402 00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:31,920 - Can you tell us where it came from? - I'd be glad to. 403 00:29:32,040 --> 00:29:34,964 Billions of years ago, the Earth was a molten mass... 404 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:37,247 Ted, I'm talking about the powder. 405 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:41,530 We don't know about that. Let me take that urine specimen. 406 00:29:42,040 --> 00:29:45,806 We found a list of the bomber's plans at the scene. 407 00:29:45,880 --> 00:29:47,245 On a hunch, we analysed the paper. 408 00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:49,766 - And you got something? - Yes. 409 00:29:49,840 --> 00:29:51,922 The paper's from Statesville Prison. 410 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:56,369 - Are you sure? - Positive. We analysed the wood fibres 411 00:29:56,480 --> 00:29:59,563 and found them to be from the rare Canary Island pine, 412 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:01,011 which grows only in Oregon. 413 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:03,526 Contacting paper mills in that area 414 00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:06,251 led us to a distribution centre in Tacoma. 415 00:30:06,320 --> 00:30:08,607 Unfortunately, the trail ended there. 416 00:30:08,680 --> 00:30:12,366 - How'd you trace it to the prison? - Right here on the letterhead. 417 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:16,721 After comparing handwriting of every known bomber 418 00:30:16,840 --> 00:30:18,729 serving a stretch in Statesville, 419 00:30:18,800 --> 00:30:20,962 we came up with a suspect. Rocco Dillon. 420 00:30:21,040 --> 00:30:23,964 He's masterminding the bombings from inside the prison. 421 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:27,965 There's only one way to find out where Rocco will strike next. 422 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:30,327 We have to send someone in there. 423 00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:34,325 - I'll do it. - I wouldn't feel right about that. 424 00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:37,085 If Rocco thinks you're a cop, you might end up dead. 425 00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:39,845 "You might end up dead" is my middle name. 426 00:30:39,920 --> 00:30:41,524 What about Jane? 427 00:30:41,600 --> 00:30:44,683 I don't know her middle name. I need the action. 428 00:30:44,760 --> 00:30:46,524 I'm going inside the big house. 429 00:30:46,600 --> 00:30:49,843 Frank, Ed. I think you might want to see this. 430 00:30:49,920 --> 00:30:53,606 We're testing out a prototype for an anti-carjacking device. 431 00:30:53,680 --> 00:30:55,808 We'll see how it works. 432 00:30:55,880 --> 00:30:57,120 Get out! 433 00:30:57,960 --> 00:30:59,450 Don't make me... Argh! 434 00:31:04,920 --> 00:31:07,127 We call it the Denver jockstrap. 435 00:31:14,560 --> 00:31:18,724 After being retired for six months, I was finally back in action. 436 00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:23,971 Faster than saying "spread 'em", I was in Statesville Prison. 437 00:31:24,040 --> 00:31:27,203 I was surrounded by pimps, rapists and murderers. 438 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:30,403 It was like being in the stands at an LA Raiders game. 439 00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:35,611 It was going to take all my police experience just to stay alive here. 440 00:31:41,920 --> 00:31:43,001 (BELL) 441 00:31:46,720 --> 00:31:49,564 After a long and generous cavity search, 442 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:52,689 I reached my destination, Maximum Security 443 00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:56,411 home of some of the most violent sociopaths in the country. 444 00:31:56,480 --> 00:31:59,086 And the worst of them all, Rocco Dillon. 445 00:32:02,920 --> 00:32:04,251 GUARD: All right, in here. 446 00:32:04,320 --> 00:32:07,051 Ain't no prison yet could hold me. 447 00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:08,730 Attica! Attica! 448 00:32:08,840 --> 00:32:12,083 Power to the brothers! Kill whitey! 449 00:32:12,200 --> 00:32:13,929 Kill whitey! 450 00:32:14,000 --> 00:32:16,287 PRISONER: Knock it off! 451 00:32:19,640 --> 00:32:21,768 You're chirping loud for a new canary. 452 00:32:21,840 --> 00:32:25,606 Keep flashing the big eyes and I'll rotate your jaw. 453 00:32:25,680 --> 00:32:29,287 Hey! You know who you talking to? 454 00:32:29,360 --> 00:32:31,442 The man is Rocco Dillon. 455 00:32:31,520 --> 00:32:35,081 - Where's your prison number? - It's unlisted. 456 00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,801 Just call me Nick "The Slasher" McGirk. 457 00:32:38,880 --> 00:32:43,124 Look, I'm the muscle in this pen. Just stay out of my way. 458 00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:45,487 You just watch your step, McGirk. 459 00:32:45,560 --> 00:32:48,325 Take it from me, this place changes a man. 460 00:32:48,400 --> 00:32:49,925 Yeah? How? 461 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:51,684 I used to be white. 462 00:32:53,600 --> 00:32:56,285 I was the drummer for the Osmonds. 463 00:32:56,360 --> 00:33:00,888 Screw with me, he'll make you feel pain like never before. 464 00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:03,691 I know. I remember the Osmonds. 465 00:33:03,840 --> 00:33:04,841 (BELL) 466 00:33:05,040 --> 00:33:08,328 - Better hit the rack, McGirk. - In a minute. 467 00:33:08,400 --> 00:33:12,849 First I'm gonna make a list of who I'm gonna kill in the next few days. 468 00:33:12,920 --> 00:33:15,844 GUARD: Lights out. Lockdown in two minutes. 469 00:33:19,760 --> 00:33:22,923 My dearest snooky wookums dumpling buns, 470 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,843 I miss you so much. 471 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:29,801 I haven't hurt this bad since the last time I was dumped. 472 00:33:29,880 --> 00:33:33,851 I remember it well. Her name was Gabriella. 473 00:33:33,920 --> 00:33:35,888 We were supposed to be married, 474 00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:39,442 but on the day of our wedding, she never showed up. 475 00:33:43,520 --> 00:33:48,082 I was heartbroken. I figured she had fallen for another man, 476 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:51,209 someone who could do to her what I never could. 477 00:33:51,280 --> 00:33:55,126 I thought my life was over until that one glorious day. 478 00:33:56,800 --> 00:33:58,882 That was the day you became my wife. 479 00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:02,009 Our friends gathered to celebrate our love. 480 00:34:02,080 --> 00:34:04,003 It seems like only yesterday. 481 00:34:04,080 --> 00:34:06,367 We were all so overjoyed. 482 00:34:06,480 --> 00:34:09,723 I remember wishing we could take everyone with us. 483 00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:11,484 That was the happiest day of my life. 484 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:15,849 I remember the plans we made. Things were going to be so perfect. 485 00:34:15,920 --> 00:34:19,242 We got that housekeeper you always wanted. 486 00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:21,641 Hi, Mr. D. Hi, Mrs. D. 487 00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:24,769 And I knew that eventually our dream would come true. 488 00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:28,208 One day we'd have our own Frank Drebin Jr. 489 00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:30,726 ROCCO: Shut up. I'm trying to get some sleep. 490 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:33,724 Nah, it's no use. She'll never come back. 491 00:34:34,960 --> 00:34:36,041 (GROWLS LIKE A LION) 492 00:34:39,840 --> 00:34:42,366 You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain 493 00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:45,366 Too much love drives a man insane 494 00:34:45,840 --> 00:34:48,366 You broke my will, but what a thrill 495 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:51,810 Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! 496 00:34:52,160 --> 00:34:54,811 I laughed at love cos I thought it was funny 497 00:34:55,040 --> 00:34:57,725 You came along and moved me, honey 498 00:34:58,320 --> 00:35:00,687 I changed my mind, this love is fine 499 00:35:01,360 --> 00:35:04,091 Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! 500 00:35:39,640 --> 00:35:41,688 Bend over and pick it up for me, 501 00:35:42,760 --> 00:35:44,569 would you, lover? 502 00:35:44,640 --> 00:35:46,483 No problem. 503 00:35:57,000 --> 00:36:00,004 Rocco could tell from my escapade in the shower 504 00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:02,128 that I was well-endowed with courage. 505 00:36:02,200 --> 00:36:04,123 Now I had to get on the inside. 506 00:36:04,200 --> 00:36:08,444 Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel things out. 507 00:36:09,880 --> 00:36:15,011 (WHISPERS) Tyrone, I got the escape plans right here. Just you and me. 508 00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:18,163 - Burnett wants in. - Burnett's one of the guards! 509 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,647 I know, but he's unhappy here. 510 00:36:20,720 --> 00:36:22,768 All right, all right. Whatever. 511 00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:25,241 Got it all worked out right here. 512 00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:32,651 What's this? Another letter from your mommy? 513 00:36:32,720 --> 00:36:35,451 - That's private! - Let's see what we have. 514 00:36:35,520 --> 00:36:39,286 - Give the man back his letter. - Buzz off, butter cheeks. 515 00:36:40,800 --> 00:36:43,883 What's so special about a little letter? 516 00:36:43,960 --> 00:36:46,964 Wait a minute. An escape plan! 517 00:36:47,280 --> 00:36:50,648 This is your ticket to another 20 years, Dillon. 518 00:36:50,720 --> 00:36:53,041 If the warden gets one look at this... 519 00:36:53,120 --> 00:36:56,727 Hey! You call this slop? 520 00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,201 Real slop has got chunks in it! 521 00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:01,721 This is more like gruel! 522 00:37:01,800 --> 00:37:05,168 And this Chateau le Blanc '68 523 00:37:05,240 --> 00:37:07,891 is supposed to be served slightly chilled! 524 00:37:07,960 --> 00:37:13,091 This is room temperature! What do you think we are, animals? 525 00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:14,924 ALL: No! 526 00:37:15,000 --> 00:37:17,401 What are we? 527 00:37:17,480 --> 00:37:19,323 Homo sapiens? 528 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:25,008 You're right! We are men! We are men! 529 00:37:25,280 --> 00:37:27,169 ALL: We are men! 530 00:37:27,280 --> 00:37:28,691 We are men! 531 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:30,770 We are men! 532 00:37:30,960 --> 00:37:32,405 We are men! 533 00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:07,009 Left hand blue. Whose hand is that? 534 00:38:16,560 --> 00:38:20,167 Come on, son. You can do it. Eat some beans! 535 00:38:36,240 --> 00:38:37,480 (CLANG) 536 00:38:41,880 --> 00:38:46,169 You saved my bacon, McGirk. I'd be in solitary if you hadn't done that. 537 00:38:46,240 --> 00:38:49,449 I've been watching you. You handle yourself good. 538 00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:51,568 - "Really well". - Whatever. 539 00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:55,844 I got something big on the outside. I could use you in my gang. 540 00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:57,922 - Dental plan? - Full coverage. 541 00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:00,162 - What's the caper? - First we bust out. 542 00:39:00,240 --> 00:39:04,165 Thanks to you, we still have our escape plan. Let's have it. 543 00:39:04,240 --> 00:39:06,766 - It's a good plan. - I've had better. 544 00:39:06,840 --> 00:39:10,003 Listen, I've got a fool-proof plan. 545 00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:12,930 They got Tyrone. 546 00:39:14,360 --> 00:39:17,443 Can't... Can't we all just get along? 547 00:39:23,120 --> 00:39:26,442 Now that Tyrone was in solitary it was just me and Rocco. 548 00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:28,522 He had to trust me. 549 00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:30,523 'Shh! Hold on. 550 00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:32,284 (WHISPERING) Okay. 551 00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:34,806 I convinced Rocco to dig a tunnel. 552 00:39:34,880 --> 00:39:36,928 It was that or go out in a laundry truck. 553 00:39:37,000 --> 00:39:40,322 The thought of lying nose down in skid marks 554 00:39:40,440 --> 00:39:42,681 didn't leave a good taste in my mouth. 555 00:39:47,720 --> 00:39:49,768 Disposing of the dirt was a problem I solved 556 00:39:49,840 --> 00:39:51,524 early in the construction. 557 00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:55,241 Apart from some chafing, we made good progress. 558 00:39:55,360 --> 00:39:56,521 We kept digging. 559 00:39:56,600 --> 00:39:59,843 Dummies gave the impression we were still in our cell. 560 00:40:00,960 --> 00:40:02,086 GUARD: Lights out. 561 00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:06,889 There was more dirt than I thought. Disposing of it was becoming tricky. 562 00:40:29,520 --> 00:40:31,249 Safe! 563 00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:34,209 Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall 564 00:40:35,760 --> 00:40:38,206 If one of those bottles should happen to fall 565 00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:40,283 Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall 566 00:40:40,440 --> 00:40:43,842 Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall... 567 00:40:44,360 --> 00:40:45,805 Where are you going? 568 00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:50,289 - Are you thinking of Frank again? - They're playing our song. 569 00:40:50,360 --> 00:40:53,125 I understand. Take your time. 570 00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:11,803 - Hello there. - Excuse me. 571 00:41:11,880 --> 00:41:15,646 I'm hauling a load of rice cakes to Big D. Coming with me? 572 00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:16,801 No. 573 00:41:16,880 --> 00:41:18,609 - How about a kiss? - No. 574 00:41:18,680 --> 00:41:21,650 When a woman says no, she means yes. 575 00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:24,326 - How about that kiss? - Yes. 576 00:41:24,400 --> 00:41:29,088 No? I know your type. Come on, baby. We're two of a kind. 577 00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:45,127 Oh, my God! You killed him! 578 00:41:45,200 --> 00:41:47,089 It was an accident. Call the police. 579 00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:51,848 Come to your senses. You killed a man. You're a hero to every woman. 580 00:41:51,920 --> 00:41:54,969 We have to call Frank. He'll protect us. 581 00:41:55,040 --> 00:41:58,089 Frank is a man. He'll see you locked away forever. 582 00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:04,241 Jane, I want to join you, to help you kill as many men as possible. 583 00:42:04,760 --> 00:42:05,761 Yipes! 584 00:42:07,240 --> 00:42:10,050 Louise, do what you have to do. I'm calling Frank. 585 00:42:13,880 --> 00:42:15,370 TRUCKER: Oh, boy, did that hurt. 586 00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:19,286 Be home, Frank. Answer the phone. 587 00:42:19,480 --> 00:42:20,811 - (TELEPHONE PICKS UP) - Frank! 588 00:42:21,040 --> 00:42:22,724 ANSWERPHONE: Hi, this is Frank. And Jane. 589 00:42:22,800 --> 00:42:27,840 BOTH: We're the Drebins. We're not home right now so leave a message! 590 00:42:29,200 --> 00:42:31,521 FRANK: Which button is it? JANE: Not that one! 591 00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:32,880 (DIAL TONE) 592 00:42:43,160 --> 00:42:46,721 "Tanya"? It was another woman. Frank wasn't lying. 593 00:42:47,120 --> 00:42:50,806 "Honeymoon Bay Road." I bet they're alone there now! 594 00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:52,247 Frank! 595 00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:54,049 Cell inspection. 596 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:59,084 There's been a rumour of a possible breakout. 597 00:42:59,160 --> 00:43:03,324 If we suspect anyone of attempting to escape, 598 00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:06,688 they will be punished severely. 599 00:43:07,800 --> 00:43:11,521 Once word of the escape was out, we headed for the tunnel. 600 00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:13,967 The last few feet were dug on the run. 601 00:43:14,040 --> 00:43:18,409 Another 47 yards would take us beyond the prison walls. 602 00:43:18,480 --> 00:43:22,929 May he rest in peace, in the arms of our... Jesus Christ! 603 00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:24,729 ALL: Amen. 604 00:43:24,800 --> 00:43:28,043 FRANK: Rocco had arranged for a car to meet us. 605 00:43:30,200 --> 00:43:32,771 After making a slight adjustment 606 00:43:32,880 --> 00:43:37,044 we arrived at the rendezvous point, a Los Angeles city high school. 607 00:43:51,240 --> 00:43:53,288 Hey, that was close. 608 00:43:53,400 --> 00:43:57,121 Hey, Rocco, who's the old hag? She take one in the face? 609 00:43:57,960 --> 00:43:59,928 She's my mother. 610 00:44:00,000 --> 00:44:04,130 Mrs. Dillon. Your son is a ruthless, sadistic, cold-blooded animal. 611 00:44:04,200 --> 00:44:07,443 - You must be proud of him. - I am. 612 00:44:07,520 --> 00:44:11,320 I want you to meet a real square egg, Nick "The Slasher" McGirk. 613 00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:13,641 There's fresh clothes in the back. 614 00:44:13,720 --> 00:44:19,648 Rocco's mom was quiet. I felt she didn't care for me coming along. 615 00:44:19,760 --> 00:44:24,766 Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to stay on my toes. 616 00:44:36,480 --> 00:44:37,925 Hey! Stop! 617 00:44:42,520 --> 00:44:43,806 Oh, Frank. 618 00:44:59,920 --> 00:45:04,164 It wasn't my fault. That cow shouldn't have been in the road. 619 00:45:04,240 --> 00:45:06,208 Hurry up. You're letting the flies in. 620 00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:08,931 - What do you think? - Great setup. 621 00:45:09,000 --> 00:45:13,562 No phone, miles from the nearest town, Playboy channel. Perfect. 622 00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:16,120 Nice digs. But I'm here for the action. 623 00:45:16,200 --> 00:45:19,204 What is it? Bank, armoured car, payroll? 624 00:45:19,320 --> 00:45:22,688 You're getting a little bit too nosy, McGirk. 625 00:45:22,760 --> 00:45:24,569 Relax, Ma. 626 00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:27,928 - She's itching to use her new gun. - I know the feeling. 627 00:45:49,160 --> 00:45:53,404 It was Tanya. That bathing suit was never happier. 628 00:45:53,520 --> 00:45:57,320 I had only a second to admire the view. I had to watch out. 629 00:45:57,440 --> 00:46:00,887 If she made me as a cop, I'd be tonight's meat loaf. 630 00:46:00,960 --> 00:46:02,769 Come here, sexy. 631 00:46:02,840 --> 00:46:05,605 You're all woman. I could tell by looking at you. 632 00:46:05,680 --> 00:46:08,251 Hey, she's referring to me. 633 00:46:09,160 --> 00:46:11,640 I was talking about your mother. 634 00:46:13,720 --> 00:46:16,963 MOTHER: That's no way to be walking around. Get some clothes on. 635 00:46:17,040 --> 00:46:19,122 And what are you doing in my bathing suit? 636 00:46:20,840 --> 00:46:22,888 Hey, who's the stud? 637 00:46:22,960 --> 00:46:25,645 Meet the newest member of our gang. 638 00:46:26,720 --> 00:46:29,530 Slasher McGirk, meet Tanya Peters. 639 00:46:29,640 --> 00:46:32,610 Wait a minute. Don't I know you from somewhere? 640 00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:35,963 I smelled cop on him the minute I saw him. 641 00:46:36,040 --> 00:46:39,010 I get it all the time. It's the underwear ads. 642 00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:44,408 - Are you saying you're not a cop? - Well, yeah. 643 00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:47,646 - That's good enough for me. - Me, too. 644 00:46:47,720 --> 00:46:50,451 All right. I'm glad that's all cleared up. 645 00:46:50,520 --> 00:46:52,921 Ma, why not kiss and make up? 646 00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:56,248 Well, all right. 647 00:47:06,640 --> 00:47:08,768 Now that's more like it. 648 00:47:24,920 --> 00:47:26,490 Uh! Ow. 649 00:47:30,240 --> 00:47:32,368 FRANK: I had to get a message to Police Squad. 650 00:47:32,440 --> 00:47:35,489 This was more than I could handle. 651 00:47:35,560 --> 00:47:37,801 No phone, miles from civilisation, 652 00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:40,724 my prospects look bleaker than a gerbil's in a bathhouse. 653 00:47:40,800 --> 00:47:45,010 Who's down there? Slasher. 654 00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:47,211 Have you seen my pigeon? 655 00:47:48,600 --> 00:47:53,128 - Pigeon? What pigeon? - What are you doing? 656 00:47:53,200 --> 00:47:57,524 I'm just contemplating my next move. 657 00:47:57,600 --> 00:47:59,967 Your bishop is exposed. 658 00:48:00,040 --> 00:48:03,886 It's these pants. I usually wear a fuller cut. 659 00:48:03,960 --> 00:48:07,043 You're all man. I like that in my men. 660 00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:10,044 You're coming on to me big-time, sister, 661 00:48:10,120 --> 00:48:12,122 but we got a problem. 662 00:48:12,240 --> 00:48:16,325 - You're Jewish? - No. You're Rocco's girl. 663 00:48:16,400 --> 00:48:20,610 In my book, that chapter's called "Look, But Don't Touch". 664 00:48:22,600 --> 00:48:24,648 I could have two lovers. 665 00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:30,006 Kinky. But I like my sex the way I play basketball, 666 00:48:30,080 --> 00:48:32,686 one-on-one, with as little dribbling as possible. 667 00:48:40,640 --> 00:48:43,769 Oh, you're tense, Slasher. 668 00:48:44,800 --> 00:48:48,202 Well, I could relax more if I knew about tomorrow. 669 00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:51,608 You wouldn't know anything about that, would you? 670 00:48:51,680 --> 00:48:56,288 All I know is it's downtown and big. 671 00:48:56,360 --> 00:48:58,647 That's the way I like it. 672 00:48:59,920 --> 00:49:03,083 - What else? - Just this. 673 00:49:06,960 --> 00:49:08,086 What are you doing? 674 00:49:09,120 --> 00:49:12,806 Thank you for the advice. I'll try that recipe, Miss Peters. 675 00:49:12,880 --> 00:49:14,245 How could you? 676 00:49:14,320 --> 00:49:16,800 Just shove your tongue in as far as you can. 677 00:49:16,960 --> 00:49:17,961 Oh! 678 00:49:19,880 --> 00:49:21,962 Quiet. You don't know me here. 679 00:49:22,040 --> 00:49:24,122 That's a goodbye kiss, sister. 680 00:49:24,200 --> 00:49:26,407 What's all this? Who's the skirt? 681 00:49:26,480 --> 00:49:31,281 Just some dizzy dame. Probably broke down. I'll take her to the bus depot. 682 00:49:31,360 --> 00:49:35,490 Hey, she's married. What if her husband comes looking? 683 00:49:35,560 --> 00:49:38,131 - He must be a great guy. - He breaks promises. 684 00:49:38,200 --> 00:49:41,409 Look at you, traipsing all over, just to spite him. 685 00:49:41,480 --> 00:49:43,482 - He left me. - You left him. 686 00:49:43,560 --> 00:49:45,927 - You should talk. - Listen to you. 687 00:49:46,080 --> 00:49:47,605 - Listen to you. - Listen to you. 688 00:49:47,680 --> 00:49:49,409 - Listen to you! - Listen to you! 689 00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:52,082 Jeez, you two, knock it off! 690 00:49:52,160 --> 00:49:55,130 - You'd think you're married! - What'll we do with her? 691 00:49:55,200 --> 00:49:58,807 One thing's for sure. There's no room for her here. 692 00:49:58,880 --> 00:50:02,327 - I say we bump her off. - Let's plug her here. 693 00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:06,291 I've been on a job where I'd have given my eye teeth for a hostage. 694 00:50:06,360 --> 00:50:09,011 We know women make the best hostages. 695 00:50:09,080 --> 00:50:12,163 They're small, easy to move, eat less, smell nice. 696 00:50:12,240 --> 00:50:15,767 Yeah, we got us an insurance policy. 697 00:50:15,840 --> 00:50:19,367 Good thinking, kid. Now, let's get some shuteye. 698 00:50:19,440 --> 00:50:20,885 We got a big day ahead of us. 699 00:50:28,080 --> 00:50:29,570 All right, it's rigged. 700 00:50:29,640 --> 00:50:33,201 Watch the tower, Slasher. This is what'll happen tonight. 701 00:50:33,280 --> 00:50:35,248 Hey, aren't we far away? 702 00:50:35,960 --> 00:50:36,961 Oh! 703 00:50:37,960 --> 00:50:39,530 ROCCO: All right, pay attention. 704 00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:43,690 On that tower's a device that's gonna net us 5 million bucks. 705 00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:46,843 We're gonna detonate it this evening 706 00:50:46,920 --> 00:50:49,400 at an event that the whole world will be watching. 707 00:50:49,480 --> 00:50:53,804 - Your crowning achievement. - It's for both of us, Ma. All set! 708 00:50:53,880 --> 00:50:55,405 Set! 709 00:51:18,000 --> 00:51:19,684 Very impressive. 710 00:51:19,800 --> 00:51:22,007 Heh-heh-heh-heh. Cool. 711 00:51:22,480 --> 00:51:24,767 Heh-heh-heh-heh. Cool. 712 00:51:30,680 --> 00:51:34,207 America will be brought to its knees by this terrorist act. 713 00:51:34,320 --> 00:51:38,450 This will be more embarrassing to the US than Tonya Harding. 714 00:51:38,520 --> 00:51:42,605 We're almost there. I don't wanna miss this. Regards to Mrs. Qaddafi. 715 00:51:42,680 --> 00:51:44,603 Tell her thanks for the cookies. 716 00:51:47,440 --> 00:51:49,522 PA: It's a beautiful night in Los Angeles, 717 00:51:49,600 --> 00:51:54,322 and the stars are shining bright for the 66th Academy Awards. 718 00:51:54,440 --> 00:51:58,809 Fans are clamouring to see their favourite celebrities. 719 00:51:58,880 --> 00:52:01,770 It's Weird Al Yankovic and Vanna White. 720 00:52:13,720 --> 00:52:18,203 Put the dame in the trunk. I'll meet you and Ma round back in 10 minutes. 721 00:52:19,320 --> 00:52:20,560 Got the passes? 722 00:52:21,840 --> 00:52:23,808 If we pull this off, it's 5 million big ones. 723 00:52:23,880 --> 00:52:25,405 Not bad! 724 00:52:25,480 --> 00:52:28,450 - What's going to happen to me? - I have an idea. 725 00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:31,410 Right, Slasher. You know what to do. 726 00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:33,602 Check the tyres and fluid levels. 727 00:52:33,680 --> 00:52:38,527 No, you muffin head, the dame. We hit trouble, she's a bullet shield. 728 00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:47,088 PA: Ladies and gentlemen, to present the lifetime achievement award... 729 00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:50,687 Roll tape. Go to clip. Aspirin, please. 730 00:52:50,760 --> 00:52:52,888 Go to three. Ready, four. 731 00:52:54,720 --> 00:52:57,451 This year's lifetime achievement award winner's credits 732 00:52:57,520 --> 00:53:00,683 include some of the greatest moments on celluloid. 733 00:53:00,760 --> 00:53:04,845 Films such as Sandals And Loincloth, 1958, 734 00:53:04,920 --> 00:53:07,685 Sweaty Boatmen, 1959, 735 00:53:07,760 --> 00:53:10,161 The Leather-clad Centurion, 1960, 736 00:53:10,240 --> 00:53:13,687 and his first colour feature in 1966, 737 00:53:13,760 --> 00:53:16,047 Big Shiny Spears. 738 00:53:21,960 --> 00:53:25,043 Okay, there's the man from Bryce Porterhouse. 739 00:53:25,120 --> 00:53:30,286 He guards the envelopes until they're handed out. He won't budge. 740 00:53:30,360 --> 00:53:33,887 You know what to do. Distract him so I can plant the bomb. 741 00:53:33,960 --> 00:53:38,249 PA: Accepting the award for Mr Broncowitz is Margaret Redfeather. 742 00:53:55,960 --> 00:53:57,291 That ought to do it. 743 00:53:58,160 --> 00:53:59,730 You'll never get away with this. 744 00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:02,161 Rocco will kill you, whoever you are. 745 00:54:02,240 --> 00:54:04,208 Frank Drebin, Police Squad. 746 00:54:04,280 --> 00:54:07,409 - Isn't that a unusual? - It's happened before. 747 00:54:07,480 --> 00:54:09,767 - Here's the plan. - You'll never stop Rocco. 748 00:54:09,840 --> 00:54:13,367 - Your chances are one in a million. - Better than any state lottery. 749 00:54:13,440 --> 00:54:16,683 I'm the good guy. I can't let the bad guys win. 750 00:54:16,760 --> 00:54:18,410 Our children can't be raised in fear. 751 00:54:18,480 --> 00:54:21,768 They're going to blow that place sky high. 752 00:54:21,840 --> 00:54:24,844 It'll be a tragedy. Unless it's during a dance number. 753 00:54:24,920 --> 00:54:26,524 Come on. 754 00:54:43,560 --> 00:54:44,800 Does that radio work? 755 00:54:44,920 --> 00:54:46,046 (SPEAKS ARABIC) 756 00:54:51,080 --> 00:54:53,560 Call Police Squad. Tell them Frank Drebin... 757 00:54:53,800 --> 00:54:55,325 (SPEAKS JAMAICAN) 758 00:55:00,600 --> 00:55:01,726 Forget it. 759 00:55:03,520 --> 00:55:06,330 (UPPER CLASS ACCENT) I wonder what the devil he wanted? 760 00:55:11,560 --> 00:55:14,769 - Hold on. - Frank Drebin, Police Squad. 761 00:55:14,840 --> 00:55:18,640 - Yeah, and I'm Robert de Niro. - Mr. de Niro, we must get inside. 762 00:55:18,720 --> 00:55:21,724 You and 10,000 other people. Move along. 763 00:55:21,800 --> 00:55:24,451 - Movie stars only. - Come on. 764 00:55:25,080 --> 00:55:26,570 I've got a better idea. 765 00:55:26,840 --> 00:55:28,444 Cue talent. 766 00:55:28,520 --> 00:55:31,410 PA: To present the award for best supporting actress, 767 00:55:31,480 --> 00:55:35,007 Mariel Hemingway and Elliott Gould. 768 00:55:44,240 --> 00:55:46,083 Thank you. 769 00:55:46,160 --> 00:55:49,289 The nominees for best supporting actress are, 770 00:55:49,360 --> 00:55:51,681 Mary Lou Retton, Fatal Affair. 771 00:55:51,760 --> 00:55:55,207 One woman's ordeal to overcome the death of her cat, 772 00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:58,124 set against the background of the Hindenburg disaster. 773 00:56:00,600 --> 00:56:02,364 (POPPING) 774 00:56:04,080 --> 00:56:06,686 Morgan Fairchild, Final Proposal. 775 00:56:06,800 --> 00:56:11,044 One courageous pioneer woman's triumphant victory over bulimia, 776 00:56:11,120 --> 00:56:13,646 set during the Donner Party crossing. 777 00:56:14,120 --> 00:56:15,121 (POPPING) 778 00:56:17,880 --> 00:56:18,881 (CLEARS THROAT) 779 00:56:22,160 --> 00:56:23,161 (POP) 780 00:56:27,520 --> 00:56:28,965 (MUFFLED SCREAMS) 781 00:56:32,000 --> 00:56:34,606 Sorry about this, but it's official police business. 782 00:56:37,760 --> 00:56:40,081 Shannen Doherty, Basic Analysis. 783 00:56:40,160 --> 00:56:42,640 One woman's triumph over a yeast infection, 784 00:56:42,720 --> 00:56:46,964 set against the background of the tragic Buffalo Bills' season of 1991. 785 00:56:57,320 --> 00:56:59,243 Thank you, Sheriff. 786 00:56:59,320 --> 00:57:02,005 Still no word of Frank or Rocco's gang. 787 00:57:02,080 --> 00:57:04,845 I'm worried. He should have called by now. 788 00:57:06,920 --> 00:57:08,410 (BEEPING) 789 00:57:16,960 --> 00:57:19,008 Let me just check your tickets. 790 00:57:19,120 --> 00:57:21,930 - Lovely gown. Is that Cool Whip? - Uh-huh. 791 00:57:22,040 --> 00:57:25,567 Tim and Erica Brown. Okay, enjoy the show. 792 00:57:25,640 --> 00:57:28,450 Let's see, Vanna White and Weird AI Yankovic. 793 00:57:28,520 --> 00:57:31,842 Okay, enjoy the awards. 794 00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:34,045 And three. 795 00:57:34,120 --> 00:57:37,124 And Florence Henderson, Analysis Of A Proposal. 796 00:57:38,200 --> 00:57:41,568 - Rocco could be anywhere. - Where could the bomb be? 797 00:57:41,640 --> 00:57:44,883 - The winner is... - This is going to be dynamite. 798 00:57:44,960 --> 00:57:48,123 - Jane! - Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 799 00:57:48,200 --> 00:57:50,806 FRANK: Florence Henderson is going to win! 800 00:57:50,880 --> 00:57:54,771 - No! The bomb's in the envelope. - You're right! 801 00:57:54,840 --> 00:57:57,207 And the winner is... 802 00:57:57,280 --> 00:57:58,327 Argh! 803 00:57:58,400 --> 00:58:00,767 Mary Lou Retton for Fatal Affair. 804 00:58:00,840 --> 00:58:03,571 Yes! Yes! 805 00:58:04,240 --> 00:58:06,811 Sorry. We were rooting for Florence Henderson. 806 00:58:06,920 --> 00:58:10,242 We must get those envelopes before they open any more. 807 00:58:13,920 --> 00:58:15,365 Yes! 808 00:58:19,320 --> 00:58:20,845 I never realised there'd be so many. 809 00:58:20,920 --> 00:58:23,161 They added 75 new categories. 810 00:58:23,240 --> 00:58:25,766 "Best actor in a Columbus movie"? 811 00:58:25,840 --> 00:58:29,162 PA: To present the award for best director, 812 00:58:29,240 --> 00:58:34,121 Raquel Welch and the host of his own talk show, Phil Donahue. 813 00:58:34,200 --> 00:58:37,921 That might be the envelope with the bomb. Keep looking. 814 00:58:38,000 --> 00:58:40,128 One more second, Mr. Donahue. 815 00:58:56,240 --> 00:58:58,971 Oh, my God! Look at Donahue! 816 00:59:06,400 --> 00:59:08,528 DIRECTOR: Stop the stairs, Joey! 817 00:59:10,720 --> 00:59:12,131 Thank you. 818 00:59:12,200 --> 00:59:15,647 Ladies and gentlemen, it's my pleasure to present... 819 00:59:21,480 --> 00:59:22,925 What the hell? 820 00:59:25,640 --> 00:59:28,041 - RAQUEL: Jesus! - Go to commercial. 821 00:59:28,120 --> 00:59:32,091 Easy, now. Talk to me. What happened, Ma? 822 00:59:32,160 --> 00:59:35,482 Slasher is Frank Drebin of Police Squad. 823 00:59:35,560 --> 00:59:38,166 That lousy, two-bit, copper punk! 824 00:59:38,240 --> 00:59:41,926 I treat him like my brother, the one I didn't kill. 825 00:59:42,000 --> 00:59:44,685 - He might find the bomb. - Not if I find him first. 826 00:59:46,280 --> 00:59:48,408 PA: Back from commercial in five seconds. 827 00:59:48,520 --> 00:59:51,171 Hurry with the mike and cue Donahue. 828 00:59:51,320 --> 00:59:52,481 (FEEDBACK) 829 00:59:54,360 --> 00:59:56,488 Read the card, moron. 830 00:59:59,320 --> 01:00:04,121 "Well, Raquel, this certainly is a special evening. Phew! 831 01:00:04,200 --> 01:00:07,886 "I can barely catch my breath. Turn it over to Raquel. 832 01:00:08,000 --> 01:00:10,571 "I'm used to being out of breath... " 833 01:00:10,640 --> 01:00:12,130 What the hell? 834 01:00:12,200 --> 01:00:15,283 "Hold for laughter and applause. To Phil. 835 01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:18,807 "Gets me out of breath just watching. To Raquel... " 836 01:00:18,880 --> 01:00:20,450 I read that. 837 01:00:20,520 --> 01:00:24,730 "But let's get to the subject at hand. Pick up the envelope. " 838 01:00:24,800 --> 01:00:27,644 The nominees for best director are... 839 01:00:27,720 --> 01:00:30,644 Sir Richard Attenborough for his musical 840 01:00:30,720 --> 01:00:34,247 on the life of Mother Teresa, Mother. 841 01:00:34,480 --> 01:00:35,561 Food! I love food 842 01:00:35,720 --> 01:00:36,960 And I'm really in the mood 843 01:00:37,040 --> 01:00:38,849 For a big corn dog or pupu platter 844 01:00:38,920 --> 01:00:41,605 Two ding-dongs, have some tuna helper 845 01:00:41,720 --> 01:00:43,290 I'll be racing back for more 846 01:00:43,520 --> 01:00:46,569 But don't add any salsa cos I'll blow chunks on the floor 847 01:00:46,880 --> 01:00:48,723 Ooh 848 01:00:49,800 --> 01:00:51,131 Ooh 849 01:00:52,680 --> 01:00:54,045 Yahoo 850 01:00:55,880 --> 01:00:59,248 Spike Lee, X II, The Merchandising. 851 01:00:59,480 --> 01:01:04,008 Nordberg, look! That's Frank at the Academy Awards. 852 01:01:04,080 --> 01:01:06,242 - How'd he get tickets? - Nordberg! 853 01:01:06,520 --> 01:01:09,763 That's where Rocco is going to strike next. 854 01:01:09,840 --> 01:01:12,127 He's planning to blow up the Academy Awards. 855 01:01:12,200 --> 01:01:15,761 - We've got to go. - We're not invited. We're cops. 856 01:01:17,760 --> 01:01:19,205 It's for you. 857 01:01:19,880 --> 01:01:24,204 Nordberg, Police Squad. Hello? Hello? 858 01:01:25,800 --> 01:01:28,531 Henderson, see about this phone. I think it's broke. 859 01:01:31,080 --> 01:01:34,050 RADIO: And now, today's lucky lotto numbers. 860 01:01:34,120 --> 01:01:39,251 Get your tickets ready. 12, 22, 18, and 9. 861 01:01:40,800 --> 01:01:45,283 And for his tale of genetics gone haywire in a retirement community 862 01:01:45,360 --> 01:01:48,921 Steven Spielberg, Geriatric Park. 863 01:01:55,880 --> 01:01:56,927 (COUGHS) 864 01:02:09,880 --> 01:02:12,087 The winner is... 865 01:02:13,720 --> 01:02:16,929 Raquel, just a second. I just had a thought. 866 01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:18,411 Christ! 867 01:02:18,480 --> 01:02:21,643 This show is being seen all over the world. 868 01:02:21,720 --> 01:02:23,563 If we could send good thoughts, 869 01:02:23,640 --> 01:02:27,247 transmit them through these cameras, to the leader of China. 870 01:02:27,320 --> 01:02:30,005 Wing Wa Woo Tong, 871 01:02:30,080 --> 01:02:33,607 so that they might finally be nice. 872 01:02:33,680 --> 01:02:35,808 Thank you. 873 01:02:37,280 --> 01:02:39,681 And the winner is... 874 01:02:39,760 --> 01:02:43,845 Raquel, so many go to bed hungry in this nation. 875 01:02:43,920 --> 01:02:45,729 Yet, cat food's full of tuna. 876 01:02:45,800 --> 01:02:48,280 I can't help thinking each time I go to the zoo 877 01:02:48,360 --> 01:02:51,569 and see those porpoises crammed into tiny tanks, 878 01:02:51,640 --> 01:02:53,688 what a waste that is. 879 01:02:53,760 --> 01:02:55,762 Butcher half of them now. 880 01:02:55,840 --> 01:02:59,526 Hundreds of pounds of dolphin meat that could be fed to cats, 881 01:02:59,600 --> 01:03:03,446 freeing up that tuna for our nation's hungry. 882 01:03:09,200 --> 01:03:13,046 - And the winner is... - So many are cold, 883 01:03:13,120 --> 01:03:15,441 shivering in the night. 884 01:03:15,560 --> 01:03:17,881 I say take those cats and skin them. 885 01:03:17,960 --> 01:03:21,806 Use their fur to keep hundreds warm. 886 01:03:21,880 --> 01:03:23,962 Jesus, Phil! 887 01:03:24,040 --> 01:03:26,122 And the winner is... 888 01:03:35,920 --> 01:03:37,251 Give me that! 889 01:03:38,320 --> 01:03:39,321 Ohh! 890 01:03:45,240 --> 01:03:47,481 - Not one move. - That barrel's cold. 891 01:03:47,560 --> 01:03:49,324 It's room temperature. 892 01:03:51,080 --> 01:03:54,050 It's okay. It's not the bomb. 893 01:04:02,640 --> 01:04:03,641 Jane? 894 01:04:04,120 --> 01:04:05,121 Jane? 895 01:04:08,000 --> 01:04:09,001 (POPPING) 896 01:04:09,080 --> 01:04:10,081 Jane? 897 01:04:13,280 --> 01:04:15,328 - Silver hair. - About 6'2". 898 01:04:15,400 --> 01:04:17,368 Looked like Phil Donahue. 899 01:04:18,200 --> 01:04:20,202 - That's the guy! - Get him! 900 01:04:23,040 --> 01:04:24,963 PA: Ladies and gentlemen, 901 01:04:25,040 --> 01:04:28,567 please welcome internationally renowned singing star, Pia Zadora. 902 01:04:29,280 --> 01:04:31,487 You're walkin' along the street 903 01:04:31,560 --> 01:04:32,891 Or you're at a party,.. 904 01:04:32,960 --> 01:04:35,440 There he is! Stop him. 905 01:04:36,560 --> 01:04:39,723 Excuse me. Isn't that snot on your shoe? 906 01:04:41,200 --> 01:04:43,931 MAN: I'll stay here. You check the wings. 907 01:04:44,040 --> 01:04:46,964 ...that this could be the start of somethin' big... 908 01:04:48,800 --> 01:04:52,327 Oh, no! Not him again? Please, God. 909 01:04:52,840 --> 01:04:56,322 Who knows what's written in that magic book? 910 01:04:57,720 --> 01:05:00,041 But when a lover you discover 911 01:05:00,240 --> 01:05:01,810 At the gate, my friend 912 01:05:02,320 --> 01:05:06,291 Invite him in without a second look 913 01:05:06,520 --> 01:05:08,568 You're watchin' the sun come up 914 01:05:09,320 --> 01:05:10,321 Or countin' your... 915 01:05:51,120 --> 01:05:52,849 Grab him! 916 01:06:03,040 --> 01:06:06,123 I'm Ed Hocken. This is Officer Nordberg. 917 01:06:06,200 --> 01:06:09,647 - We're here to prevent a disaster. - You're too late. 918 01:06:13,800 --> 01:06:15,802 You're watchin' the sun... 919 01:06:16,400 --> 01:06:17,401 Frank! 920 01:06:17,480 --> 01:06:20,245 Or countin' your money 921 01:06:20,840 --> 01:06:24,447 Or else in a dim cafe 922 01:06:24,720 --> 01:06:27,929 You're orderin' wine 923 01:06:28,200 --> 01:06:30,726 Then suddenly there he is 924 01:06:30,880 --> 01:06:33,008 You want to be where he is... 925 01:06:33,080 --> 01:06:35,731 Come on, Nordberg. We've got to get Frank. 926 01:06:35,920 --> 01:06:37,206 ...the start of somethin' 927 01:06:37,400 --> 01:06:39,846 This could be the heart of somethin' 928 01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:42,241 This could be the start of somethin' 929 01:06:42,960 --> 01:06:48,171 Big 930 01:06:57,520 --> 01:06:58,521 Ohh! 931 01:07:06,880 --> 01:07:07,881 Jane! 932 01:07:13,200 --> 01:07:14,201 Jane! 933 01:07:16,960 --> 01:07:20,851 I knew I'd bump into you. I want answers, cherry cakes. 934 01:07:20,920 --> 01:07:22,684 - I love you. - Wrong answer. 935 01:07:22,760 --> 01:07:25,331 I dropped out of the sap of the month club. 936 01:07:25,400 --> 01:07:28,210 Listen, you've got one last chance. 937 01:07:28,280 --> 01:07:32,410 And I don't mean a major league baseball Steve Howe last chance. 938 01:07:32,480 --> 01:07:35,324 - Where is Jane? - I don't know. 939 01:07:35,400 --> 01:07:38,404 - Where's the bomb? - In the Best Picture envelope. 940 01:07:38,480 --> 01:07:41,529 Mr. Drebin, I want to go straight. 941 01:07:41,600 --> 01:07:44,251 I'm tired of the lies. 942 01:07:44,320 --> 01:07:48,211 Kiss me. Please kiss me. 943 01:07:48,280 --> 01:07:52,171 I've never kissed lips so innocent, so pure. 944 01:08:13,000 --> 01:08:15,526 He looked like Phil Donahue, white hair... 945 01:08:16,240 --> 01:08:18,686 - That's the guy! - I'll get him. 946 01:08:19,520 --> 01:08:22,171 PA: Ladies and gentlemen, to present the Best Picture award, 947 01:08:22,240 --> 01:08:24,527 two most distinguished actors, 948 01:08:24,600 --> 01:08:27,683 Olympia Dukakis and James Earl Jones. 949 01:08:35,720 --> 01:08:37,370 Lord, what's that? 950 01:08:37,440 --> 01:08:40,444 Looks like Phil Donahue throwing up in a tuba. 951 01:08:40,520 --> 01:08:44,570 I don't think we should have Phil Donahue back next year. 952 01:08:44,680 --> 01:08:46,921 Thank you. Good evening. 953 01:08:47,000 --> 01:08:51,210 It's a privilege for us to present the final award... 954 01:08:51,280 --> 01:08:55,490 We've been worried about you. Where's Rocco? Where's Tanya? 955 01:08:55,560 --> 01:08:58,803 - Sit down. Take it easy. - Thank God you're all right. 956 01:08:58,880 --> 01:09:03,488 Indecent Instincts and Sawdust And Mildew. 957 01:09:03,560 --> 01:09:07,963 Every one of these movies was a box office hit, except for one. 958 01:09:08,080 --> 01:09:10,162 - What's that? - The Best Picture award. 959 01:09:10,240 --> 01:09:12,322 My money's on Sawdust And Mildew. 960 01:09:12,400 --> 01:09:14,482 Olympia, would you do the honours? 961 01:09:14,560 --> 01:09:17,404 Oh, my God! That's the one! 962 01:09:17,480 --> 01:09:21,280 The award for this year's Best Picture goes to... 963 01:09:21,360 --> 01:09:22,521 Wait! 964 01:09:22,760 --> 01:09:23,761 Oh! 965 01:09:23,840 --> 01:09:27,003 Sorry about this. Loved you in Coneheads. You, too. 966 01:09:27,080 --> 01:09:29,082 Let me open this. 967 01:09:31,320 --> 01:09:32,606 (BEEPING) 968 01:09:32,680 --> 01:09:34,091 It's the bomb! 969 01:09:45,240 --> 01:09:47,288 Freeze and nobody gets hurt! 970 01:09:49,600 --> 01:09:51,921 Well, from now on. 971 01:09:52,040 --> 01:09:55,044 Back in your seats, you little weasels! 972 01:09:55,120 --> 01:09:56,884 This programme's been interrupted. 973 01:09:56,960 --> 01:09:58,883 Don't panic. Stay with it. 974 01:09:58,960 --> 01:10:00,962 Camera 2, move in on the old lady. 975 01:10:01,040 --> 01:10:02,883 Better move back. 976 01:10:02,960 --> 01:10:06,521 - Don't move! - MA: Now, pay attention! 977 01:10:06,600 --> 01:10:09,729 I don't want to kill nobody unless I have to. 978 01:10:09,800 --> 01:10:12,770 Drop your guns and kick them over here. 979 01:10:17,040 --> 01:10:20,886 That bomb belongs to me. Hand it over, Drebin. 980 01:10:20,960 --> 01:10:22,883 You want to kill him, Ma? 981 01:10:24,320 --> 01:10:26,084 Blink and I start shooting. 982 01:10:32,920 --> 01:10:35,002 FRANK: Give me that gun! 983 01:10:35,880 --> 01:10:39,601 - Oh, my God! - I'm not falling for that, sister. 984 01:10:44,960 --> 01:10:49,124 I'm not well! Get this stupid thing off me! 985 01:10:50,840 --> 01:10:52,683 Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! 986 01:10:54,880 --> 01:10:57,008 - Ma! - She's a goner, Rocco. 987 01:10:57,160 --> 01:10:59,766 Dead. Then that's it. 988 01:10:59,840 --> 01:11:01,968 I'm coming with you, Ma! 989 01:11:03,440 --> 01:11:06,364 Pull out the bomb or I'll shoot the dame. 990 01:11:06,440 --> 01:11:09,171 All right. I'll do what you say. 991 01:11:09,360 --> 01:11:11,203 - Frank! - Don't harm her. 992 01:11:11,680 --> 01:11:14,843 You pull out the bomb and you'll kill me anyway. 993 01:11:14,920 --> 01:11:17,400 - Yeah. No dice! - Then I'll plug her. 994 01:11:17,480 --> 01:11:21,121 - Shoot her, I'll empty the envelope. - Frank, think about it. 995 01:11:21,200 --> 01:11:23,567 It's all right. You'll be dead. 996 01:11:23,640 --> 01:11:25,688 Then you'll kill everyone here. 997 01:11:25,800 --> 01:11:27,609 Yeah. 998 01:11:27,720 --> 01:11:29,882 I'll shoot if you don't do as I say. 999 01:11:30,040 --> 01:11:31,041 Jane? 1000 01:11:31,200 --> 01:11:33,282 I'd be safe, so would everyone else. 1001 01:11:33,360 --> 01:11:36,443 - But you'd be dead. - This is complicated, Rocco. 1002 01:11:37,800 --> 01:11:42,488 Logically, you're psychotic, so you have the envelope, I'll have the gun. 1003 01:11:42,680 --> 01:11:44,682 - Frank! - I know what I'm doing. 1004 01:11:52,040 --> 01:11:53,530 All right! 1005 01:11:55,560 --> 01:12:00,168 Here's your Best Picture! In front of the world, this place is going up. 1006 01:12:00,240 --> 01:12:03,403 Well, if I'm going out, I'm going out happy. 1007 01:12:04,840 --> 01:12:09,402 Wait. Before we're all blown up, can I get my underwear out of my crack? 1008 01:12:10,320 --> 01:12:13,164 - I got to go comfortable. - Okay, but that's it. 1009 01:12:16,760 --> 01:12:20,560 - Give it up, Rocco. You're history. - Look, George Hamilton! 1010 01:12:23,960 --> 01:12:25,450 Come and get me, Drebin! 1011 01:12:28,400 --> 01:12:29,606 Throw me a gun! 1012 01:12:29,680 --> 01:12:31,523 Get rid of the bomb! 1013 01:12:31,600 --> 01:12:34,126 Hold on, sweetheart. 1014 01:12:35,760 --> 01:12:37,410 Frank, help! 1015 01:12:37,720 --> 01:12:39,370 - Frank. - I know what I'm doing. 1016 01:12:42,920 --> 01:12:45,366 JANE: I hate heights! 1017 01:12:45,440 --> 01:12:47,124 Ohh! Oh, no! 1018 01:12:48,160 --> 01:12:49,685 Move it, sister! 1019 01:12:52,040 --> 01:12:53,963 Screw the commercials! 1020 01:12:54,040 --> 01:12:56,646 All right, copper, you killed my ma! 1021 01:12:56,720 --> 01:12:58,722 I'm taking the dame away from you. 1022 01:12:59,600 --> 01:13:03,685 You hear me, copper? One push and Mrs. Drebin is linoleum. 1023 01:13:03,760 --> 01:13:06,843 Get a camera up there. This could be my best work. 1024 01:13:06,920 --> 01:13:09,366 Any last words before I throw you off? 1025 01:13:09,440 --> 01:13:12,887 - Yes. Don't do it. - Anything else? 1026 01:13:13,480 --> 01:13:15,721 Frank, I love you. 1027 01:13:15,800 --> 01:13:18,724 I want the world to know you're the perfect man. 1028 01:13:18,800 --> 01:13:21,007 Frank, I hope you can hear me. 1029 01:13:21,080 --> 01:13:22,684 They said I couldn't do drama. 1030 01:13:22,760 --> 01:13:26,651 I was wrong. Taking you away from Police Squad was a mistake. 1031 01:13:26,720 --> 01:13:30,281 I know now that's why you couldn't perform decent sex. 1032 01:13:31,640 --> 01:13:34,689 I realise that now, and other things. 1033 01:13:34,760 --> 01:13:37,001 Everything's under control. 1034 01:13:37,080 --> 01:13:40,846 Nobody move! Any vibration may set this thing off. 1035 01:13:42,400 --> 01:13:46,610 Frank, I've learned my lesson. And though it may be too late for me, 1036 01:13:46,680 --> 01:13:50,401 I want all you ladies to remember something. 1037 01:13:50,480 --> 01:13:52,926 Don't ever take your men for granted, 1038 01:13:53,000 --> 01:13:56,288 because good men don't just fall out of the sky. 1039 01:13:56,800 --> 01:13:57,801 Aah! 1040 01:14:01,280 --> 01:14:04,045 He's caught up in the cable! Do something! 1041 01:14:15,360 --> 01:14:17,010 I'm coming, Ma! 1042 01:14:21,160 --> 01:14:22,161 Rocco? 1043 01:14:23,320 --> 01:14:24,731 Papshmir? 1044 01:14:37,600 --> 01:14:38,647 Jane... 1045 01:14:38,720 --> 01:14:42,327 - I never want us to be apart again. - Oh, Frank! 1046 01:14:42,400 --> 01:14:45,882 You like me. You really like me! 1047 01:15:05,920 --> 01:15:08,810 - Frank, slow down! - Hurry up! 1048 01:15:09,160 --> 01:15:10,650 Relax. There's time. 1049 01:15:10,720 --> 01:15:12,927 - You got the camcorder? - Here. Which room? 1050 01:15:13,000 --> 01:15:15,924 Delivery room. This must be it. 1051 01:15:16,600 --> 01:15:19,763 Jane, I'm here. Frank is here. 1052 01:15:19,840 --> 01:15:21,649 Push! Here it comes now. 1053 01:15:21,720 --> 01:15:24,200 Breathe, honey. Breathe, Jane. 1054 01:15:24,280 --> 01:15:26,203 One more push. That's it. 1055 01:15:26,280 --> 01:15:28,760 Congratulations, Dad. It's a boy! 1056 01:15:32,280 --> 01:15:33,281 Nordberg! 1057 01:15:33,560 --> 01:15:35,528 You come back here! 1058 01:15:35,600 --> 01:15:39,127 - Frank, it's a boy. - I know! 1059 01:20:06,760 --> 01:20:09,047 You're walkin' along the street 1060 01:20:09,320 --> 01:20:11,322 Or you're at a party 1061 01:20:11,600 --> 01:20:15,491 Or else you're alone and then you suddenly dig 1062 01:20:16,120 --> 01:20:18,726 You're lookin' in someone's eyes 1063 01:20:18,880 --> 01:20:20,962 You suddenly realise 1064 01:20:21,440 --> 01:20:24,649 That this could be the start of somethin' big 1065 01:20:25,600 --> 01:20:30,003 There's no controllin' the unrollin' of your fate, my friend 1066 01:20:30,320 --> 01:20:34,166 Who knows what's written in that magic book? 1067 01:20:35,240 --> 01:20:37,561 But when a lover you discover 1068 01:20:37,840 --> 01:20:39,604 At the gate, my friend 1069 01:20:39,960 --> 01:20:43,851 Invite him in without a second look 1070 01:20:44,200 --> 01:20:46,407 You're watchin' the sun come up 1071 01:20:46,600 --> 01:20:48,807 Or countin' your money 1072 01:20:48,960 --> 01:20:51,201 Or else in a dim cafe 1073 01:20:51,280 --> 01:20:53,442 You're orderin' wine 1074 01:20:53,560 --> 01:20:55,847 Then suddenly, there he is 1075 01:20:56,000 --> 01:20:58,606 You want to be where he is 1076 01:20:58,880 --> 01:21:01,565 And this must be the start of somethin' 1077 01:21:01,760 --> 01:21:03,922 This could be the heart of somethin' 1078 01:21:04,160 --> 01:21:06,970 This could be the start of somethin' big 1079 01:21:26,920 --> 01:21:30,322 You're watchin' the sun come up 1080 01:21:30,560 --> 01:21:33,962 Or countin' your money 1081 01:21:34,080 --> 01:21:37,801 Or else in a dim cafe 1082 01:21:37,960 --> 01:21:40,804 You're orderin' wine 1083 01:21:41,320 --> 01:21:44,085 Then suddenly there he is 1084 01:21:44,160 --> 01:21:47,004 You want to be where he is 1085 01:21:47,320 --> 01:21:50,244 And this could be the start of somethin' 1086 01:21:50,360 --> 01:21:53,011 This could be the heart of somethin' 1087 01:21:53,160 --> 01:21:55,811 This could be the start of somethin' 1088 01:21:56,120 --> 01:22:01,411 Big