♪ God bless America again
♪ You must know the trouble that she's in ♪
♪ Wash her pretty face
♪ Dry her eyes and then
♪ God bless America again
♪ You know
♪ I wish God would bless America again ♪
♪ Like he did way back there
♪ When it all began
♪ He blessed her then
♪ But we sort of took it for granted ♪
♪ And didn't ask again
♪ So let's just kinda hold her hand now ♪
♪ That's all
♪ In case she stumbles
♪ Let's don't let her fall ♪
Let's go live to TV 10's Kelly Breen.
It's a big day in Niagara Falls, New York,
where the presidential motorcade
will pass by in a few moments.
The turnout is pretty much nonexistent,
which is rather surprising.
This is the first time a president has been here since 1901,
when William McKinley stopped by and was shot.
♪ God bless America again
♪ You must know the trouble that she's in ♪
♪ Wash her pretty face
♪ Dry her eyes and then
♪ God bless America again
♪ I don't understand everything I read and hear ♪
♪ About what's wrong with America ♪
♪ When you don't have a lot of book learning ♪
♪ There's many things you don't understand ♪
♪ But I know this much
♪ She's like a mother to me
♪ I love her with all my heart ♪
♪ And let me tell you this, Mister ♪
♪ Everything I am or ever hope to be ♪
♪ I owe to her ♪
Topping the President's agenda today will be a speech
at the recently closed Hacker Defense Plant.
Hacker was closed, 10,000 employees laid off
due to the end of the Cold War,
which rendered useless
the military supplies they produced there.
The public is being encouraged
to not only and listen to the President's speech,
but also pick up on a bargain.
There are some good deals left on items
ranging from missiles to light armament.
One of those laid-off employees this morning had quite an altercation.
This ex-Hacker employee is trying to deface the image of R.J. Hacker,
the chairman of that company.
He got away before he could be apprehended.
♪ God bless America again
♪ You must know the trouble that she's in ♪
♪ Wash her pretty face
♪ Dry her eyes and then
♪ God bless America again
♪ Please God bless America again ♪♪
Shit!
Meanwhile, in other news,
due to the record number of laid-off workers
jumping to their death in Niagara Falls,
the City Council has just approved an incentive program.
Sheriff's deputies who talk someone out of jumping will be getting $25.
If they go in to retrieve the body, they'll be getting $50.
Jump! Jump! Jump!
What'll this one make?
The third one today.
Ninth this week.
Man, are we racking up the grief bonus!
450 bucks, and the week's not over yet.
Stick with me, Honey.
Things keep going like this,
we'll make what we used to make at Hacker.
You know it.
What's this guy doing up there?
It's a free country.
He doesn't like it here, he can swim to Canada.
A lot of work there.
Shut up and look at this.
Hey, isn't that... It's our good friend, Roy Boy.
Jump!
No, no! He's wearing my good hat!
Let's help him out. Great.
Don't jump, Roy Boy, don't jump! Help is on the way!
Nice shootin'!
All right!
Who did this?
Medic.
That was a beautiful thing you just did, Honey.
God, I love you.
Just kidding.
I was kidding.
Let me get this straight.
You shot me
because I didn't want to go on living?
Yeah. You want me to finish the job?
Relax, Honey. Roy Boy, would you please pipe down?
I was trying to make a statement about our plight.
At least the plight of those whose uncle ain't the mayor.
Don't you mention my Uncle Jack.
You're thinking nepotism.
I took that test and passed it fair and square.
What about handing her a job? I'm your buddy.
Don't you mention Honey like that.
Look, you guys,
my life has been complete hell since Hacker laid me off.
We know how you feel.
We all feel the same way.
We've all made big changes in our life
since the plant closed down.
That's right.
If life hands you a lemon, crush it into lemonade.
That's positive thinking.
Come on, smile.
♪ Just what makes that little ol' ant ♪
♪ Think he'd move that rubber tree plant ♪
♪ Everyone knows an ant
♪ Can't
♪ Move a rubber tree plant
♪ 'Cause he's got Roy Boy, sing!
♪ High hopes
♪ He's got
♪ High hopes
♪ He's got
♪ High-apple-pie- in-the-sky hopes ♪
♪ So any time you're feelin' low ♪
♪ Instead of lettin' go
♪ Just remember that ant
♪ Woops, there goes another rubber tree ♪
♪ Woops, there goes another rubber tree plant ♪
♪ Ker-plop! ♪
President here yet, Riley?
Officer Riley.
Sure. Sorry.
You fellas need any backup here, Officer Riley?
I don't think so, Sheriff.
Okay.
You finding a lot of roadkill this year, Sheriff?
We get to keep what we find.
Forgive me. Where are my manners?
This is my woman deputy, Honey.
Honey's been a real asset since she got her parole.
Next, I have an unused,
air-delivered, chemical weapon.
Guaranteed death within three minutes.
What do I hear for this miracle of modern science?
Do I hear...
Spread 'em, or I'll blow your brains out.
Where the hell you guys been?
Pulling stiffs out of the Falls.
You promised I could pull the stiffs out this time.
I need the money.
We never got the $50. We stopped Roy Boy from jumping off.
What? You're jumping off the Falls now?
I was making a statement.
Stop with the statement thing.
Get us a beer.
I do love an auction.
What do I hear for this beautiful, wire-guided,
uranium-tipped fire-and-forget thing?
Who'll give me $1,000? 1,000, 1,000, 1,000?
$500, then.
Have $500 anyone?
$500, my ass.
Come on, ladies and gentlemen.
Built right here in Niagara Falls. You can own one.
You built it. You can own it now.
300, 300, 300, 4. 400, 400, 400, 400, 5.
Can we get out of here?
All these guns and white people are making me nervous.
Ease off with that "white people" stuff.
You got me looking at 'em funny.
I've got 25, 26, 25, 26.
Sold! $25.
All right. Here you go.
Next, we have...
Pardon me.
Out of the way. Let me by.
Anyone! Could I have $100, please?
Give me that microphone.
I reckon all of you know me.
I'm R.J. Hacker, and I own Hacker Dynamics
and Hacker Aerospace,
Time-Hacker,
Hacker-Upjohn,
and a bunch of others I don't even remember, and you don't care.
You're upset because I closed this plant
and put you out on the street.
Well, I want you to know I'm upset, too.
In fact, I get choked up thinking about it.
Boo! Boo!
Shit.
Pill-popping freaks. Look at this trash.
Just garbage. Human garbage.
Look. That's what we get for kicking butt
in every goddamn corner of the world.
Why do we have to be here at these closings?
General, we're here to show the people that we care.
Let's put on a happy face, shall we?
Used to be that you had your Russian reds,
your Cuban red, Hollywood red.
Here a red, there a red, everywhere a red red.
E-I-E-I-O.
But it kept us on our toes.
We didn't know who to mistrust,
but we had to defend ourselves.
You had good jobs to put meat on the table.
But today we find ourselves being destroyed
not by the reds,
but by a bunch of shortsighted,
bleeding-heart,
penny-pinching Washington wimps.
Who is this guy?
R.J. Hacker, sir.
How about some credit?
I'm the only president who hasn't gotten us into a war.
I think that's his point, sir.
You have yet to send our boys into battle.
Where? Nobody's bothering us.
Send them anywhere, sir.
Guaranteed 30-point boost in the polls.
Well, I'm not going to start a war
just to increase my popularity.
What can I do for 20 points?
...makes me want to commit acts I cannot utter in public.
Here he is now.
The man that a thin majority of you
chose to be President of the United States.
Stu.
Little hard on the leader
of the free world, don't you think?
It's just what he deserved.
This peace ain't all it's cracked up to be.
Especially if we keep laying off thousands of voters.
What would you suggest we do to keep these factories open?
Should I call up the Russians,
see if they want to get back into it?
Don't you get sarcastic with me, you little pissant!
You just had an idea that I liked!
I want you to follow up on it.
See to it that those Russkies get back in the Cold War mode.
If you don't, you'll go right back where I found you.
Now, don't make decisions. Just do it.
I want to thank you for that great welcome.
You provided the power to win the Cold War
for the United States of America.
If we could take what we spent on just one day of the Cold War,
we could put our children through school for the year.
Now's our chance to do it.
Time to turn off that war machine and turn on our children.
Turn... Turn on our children.
The time has come, fortunately,
for us to beat our swords into plowshares.
Excuse me. Do you work here?
You work here?
I want to get a copy of the speech.
A transcript or something?
And you are...
I'm sorry.
Sheriff Bud Boomer, Niagara County.
And your handle is?
What? Your name? Your name.
Stuart Smiley, the president's National Security Advisor.
Stu, you're just the guy we wanted to see.
Can you give us a deal at our sheriff's department?
We're looking for... What do you call them?
The M-16 40-millimeter grenade launchers.
Flash, fragmentation,
incendiary illumination, and smoke.
To go, please.
Are we putting on a play?
It's for civil disturbances only.
"How many times
"must the cannonballs fly"
You tell us.
"Before they're forever banned?"
"The answer, my friend,
"is blowin' in the wind.
"The answer, my friend..."
Okay. I'm in command here. Stay calm.
Get off me!
The sheriff has the eagle covered.
It's an honor to meet you.
I'm sorry I didn't vote for you. I had to stay home.
The cable installers said they'd come...
Get off me. Pardon?
Get off me!
I'm sorry. Sure.
God.
Good thing for you the President liked me.
Otherwise, you'd be in big trouble.
Right. You must be really important, Boomer.
You see Cops last night?
I wouldn't miss it.
They kept the camera running
while they were waling away on those guys.
Whack, whack, whack, whack!
It was awesome! Ooh!
You think we're ever gonna be on Cops?
Damn right we will.
Wait'll they see me throwing myself on that grenade.
You threw the President on the grenade.
Well, whatever.
Morning, Mr. President.
Morning, sir.
I have the results from the overnight tracking.
Care to hear the damage?
Yeah. I can take it.
It's good news, sir.
Immediately after the assassination attempt,
we got a 15-point boost in the national polls.
Okay.
They dropped off considerably
once word got out that you were still alive.
But the initial massive gains the Dow Jones made
after the assassination bulletin
held for the entire business day.
That's good news.
According to this, rumors that you were
clinically dead for five minutes, and returned to life
boosted your rating with the religious right.
That's good.
But the voters felt that your being alive or dead
had no real bearing on their daily lives.
You can take that a couple of ways.
With all due respect, sir,
enjoy your single term.
You know, it's not fair.
Every other president had the Russians to blame for everything.
What have I got?
It is really too bad that the Russians are no longer in the game.
They weren't much fun anyway. Never got to kill any.
But without them, you and your friends
would've had to get real jobs.
That isn't funny, Stu. Stu's got a point.
What point, sir?
You got a point, too.
My point is that Russia is in such shambles,
they couldn't sissy-slap us if they tried.
Well, they still have all those missiles lying around.
20,473, to be exact.
Are you kidding?
One of their breakaway republics, Kazakhstan,
is the third-ranking nuclear power in the world.
Are you kidding?
Most Americans don't know where Kazakhstan is.
My travel agent can't find it.
I can imagine why.
What do you want to do about Russia?
Let's find out who's in charge over there this week.
Vladimir Krushkin.
Vlad. I like him. That's good.
Let's ask him to come over. We can have a summit thing.
Maybe we can work something out like before.
That's an excellent idea. Super idea, sir.
We got a contingency plan.
Good. We'll bring it right in.
Good, good.
Look at the treacherous bastards.
Once a commie, always a commie.
Pretend you're not here.
Shut up, peanuts.
All right. Be nice. This man's our only hope.
Mr. President, welcome to our summit.
You look great.
Let's eat. Good. Right this way.
Have a good trip?
Wonderful. Truly wonderful.
Mr. President, we were wondering if...
If you and I, you know...
If we couldn't sort of get together and...
You know, mano y mano, and...
And sort of work something out,
sort of mix it up the way we used to in the good old days.
I don't mean a real war.
Just a little tension.
Sort of help people forget about things.
Mr. President.
Please!
Is this why you called us here?
We already gave up. You've won.
We are too busy trying to perfect universal indoor plumbing.
That's right.
Indoor plumbing. Maybe even a little...
Central heating.
A big Buick in every garage would be nice.
A few cellular phones, compact discs, MTV...
What is the name of that other channel?
VH-1. Yes! VH-1!
I'm so sorry, Mr. President.
We can't go back to the old days.
Please try and understand.
Good day.
It's a trick, Mr. President.
Damn right.
Can't we talk this over?
What is there to talk over?
You're in charge of the world now.
Don't be a sore winner.
I'm sure we could discuss this like civilized men.
Civilized men?
Is that what we've both been for the last 50 years?
Just a holy goddamn minute, your comradeship!
You don't go throwing your weight around
for half a century, threatening the peaceful,
freedom-loving western world, and decide one day
you don't want to tug the rope no more.
Do you?
Mr. President, I'm so sorry for this.
Sorry for this?
You made us spend trillions on submarines and missiles,
and what did all this rubbish get us?
Bread lines and May Day parades!
Don't chicken out on us now!
We need you. I need you.
You don't always get a second chance.
Attaboy, Stu!
You can't do that!
Get off him!
I'm very sorry, Mr. President.
I'm very... All right.
Get over there. Get over there.
Sorry. I'm really, truly sorry.
Maybe we could meet again. How about Geneva?
We could meet at Geneva, sort of neutral territory.
Goodbye, Mr. President.
And good luck.
Any more bright ideas?
What are we going to do for an enemy now?
Dead.
I miss anything?
Nothing.
Also dead.
They're all dead.
You working from an old list?
They're what we're looking for.
This guy, he's still alive.
But he's down in Florida making license plates now.
She's reformed.
And looking good.
You know, we were thinking,
what could be a bigger threat
than aliens invading from space?
Whoo-boy! Scare the shit out of everyone.
Even me, sir.
Is this the best you could come up with?
What about, you know, international terrorism?
Sir, we're not going to reopen missile factories just to fight some creeps
running around in exploding rental cars.
Turn on the lights.
I'm sorry. I'm appalled.
I'm surprised you left those killer bees off the list.
How about...
How about Canada?
♪ O Canada
♪ Our home and native land
♪ True patriot love
♪ In all thy sons command...♪
That's what I hate about coming here.
You got to listen to that song.
Check out the flag. What is that, a weed on there?
Give me a break! Nice flag.
Let's go!
Let's go! Drop the puck!
Let's go!
Come on! Face off!
♪ O Canada
♪ We stand on guard for thee
Evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Hockey Night in Canada.
Tonight the American team visits our Canadian champions,
the Ontario Beavers.
Please enjoy the game, and remember,
no bad language and no littering.
Here we go!
Hey, Kabral, how come you never see
any black guys playing hockey?
Do you think it's easy to just gradually take over every professional sport?
Let me tell you something, man,
brothers are starting to figure out this ice thing.
Hope you enjoyed it.
These Canadians ain't got a care in the world.
How about the way they cheat at the World Series?
That's our game, people!
That is true.
And another thing. Their beer sucks.
Ew!
Boy! Look at that!
That's footage never seen on TV.
Yowsah! It's amazing.
How did you know that was a nuclear facility?
They tricked us there. That's a hospital.
But it's a hell of a strike.
We've got technology we've never been able to use.
A riot between Americans and Canadians
broke out last night at a hockey arena in Niagara Falls, Ontario.
Police estimate at least 60 people,
including an American sheriff,
were detained overnight by Canadian authorities.
I want to call the American Embassy.
All I said was, "Canadian beer sucks."
People!
Can't we all just get along?
Boy, these Canadians are violent.
General, can I use your phone for a second?
Sure. Go ahead.
Yeah. Stu Smiley. Give me Central Intelligence.
Yeah, Canada desk?
Timmy.
Hi, Stu.
What's up, Bill?
How you doing, Stu?
Re-route the heroin through Cancun.
Hold on a second.
Yeah. Oliver Stone.
There's Gus.
What do you say, Stu? Long time no see?
It's like The Plaza in here.
They've got me in a temporary place here, that's all.
I see you're still proud of telling Kennedy
to send advisors to Vietnam.
You're damn right.
The whole Vietnam war was my idea. Not ashamed of it one bit.
If they had followed my advice and gone nuclear...
I'm sure history will vindicate you.
Would've wiped out the Koreans, too.
Then we wouldn't be driving behind them shitty little compacts with no pickup.
Those cars are built in South Korea. They're our Koreans.
Like I care!
What have you got for me? Anything, something?
You mean Canada. Yeah.
We can't talk here. Let's go for a walk.
There a secretary hidden somewhere to hold your calls for you?
Remember the big New York blackout?
Caused by a Canadian hydroelectric plant, Niagara Falls.
The canucks claimed that it was a faulty transmitter.
We had reason to suspect otherwise.
Why? What do you mean?
These Canadians suffer from a serious inferiority complex.
That's why they built this.
Canadian National Tower,
world's tallest freestanding structure.
Our scientists can't figure out its purpose.
I'll bet theirs can't either.
Jesus.
Canadians are always dreaming up a lot of ways to ruin our lives.
The metric system, for the love of God!
Celsius!
Neil Young?
By God, you're right, Gus.
Of course! It was crazy of us
to have been so blind for so long.
We thought, they're just Canadians.
They're practically the 51st state.
We admired them.
Clean streets, no crime, no minorities.
How'd they do that?
No slavery.
God, they're smart.
Their entire government is run by socialists.
But it's not the real pinko stuff.
No! That's where you're wrong.
They've always had these tendencies.
"Capitalism must be destroyed in all forms."
What's this?
We haven't been paying attention.
We think that, they're a little strange
with the socialized medicine stuff.
But do you know they provide free college to anyone?
Free trains, free eyeglasses,
free condoms?
Jesus. Do your superiors know about this?
Those gutless desk mammals.
Ever since I told them we'd finish the Bay of Pigs by 10:00,
they've treated me like dirt.
You've done a great job here.
I'll make sure the President knows of your fine work.
Like I care!
Canada? Did you say Canada?
The American people, Mr. Smiley,
would never, ever buy this.
Mr. President, the American people
will buy whatever we tell them to.
You know that.
Aren't you overlooking one major obstacle,
like how to get the average American to hate and fear Canadians?
Hell, they're whiter than we are.
Gentlemen, ladies, allow me to clue you
to a few rude awakenings.
For those that think Canada is a mom-and-pop operation,
it's time to wake up and smell the snow.
Fact: Canada's now the second-largest country in the world.
Fact: Canadians freely cross over our borders, walking among us...
Undetected.
How many of you knew that they eliminated the Miss Canada contest?
You're on to something here.
Remember the Air Force C-130 that crashed mysteriously
a few years ago?
And that just happened to occur
over Canada, Mr. President.
My God. That's shocking.
When did they get rid of Miss Canada?
A year ago.
Suppose something like that caught on down here.
One week, Mr. President. Give me one week,
and I'll have Americans burning maple leaves so fast,
they won't have time to think about their smog-filled lungs,
rising interest rates, or their dwindling savings accounts.
One week, sir.
Good evening.
Edwin S. Simon reporting.
NBS News has obtained Pentagon documents
that show our neighbor to the north,
the sovereign nation of Canada,
has embarked on a military program aimed at the United States.
Canada, known for ages as a polite and clean country,
has, under a socialist majority,
undertaken a massive military buildup
on its border with the United States.
I don't like Canada.
It's freezing cold.
Canada owns more of the U.S.. than any other country.
The Canadians.
They walk among us.
William Shatner.
Michael J. Fox.
Monty Hall.
Mike Myers.
Alex Trebek.
All of them Canadians.
All of them here.
Is Canadian prime minister Clark MacDonald
a member of a satanic cult?
Most of Canada's vast military technology
has been built and supplied by the United States.
The Canadian National Tower in Toronto,
erected to transmit nuclear attack warnings
from radar stations in northern Canada,
is now solely in Canadian hands.
It is the height of six American football fields,
or five Canadian football fields.
As if Canadian football really counts.
What would be the psychological motivation
to erect a huge, long, rigid shaft?
First, there is no Canadian culture.
I've never read any Canadian literature.
And when have you heard anyone say,
"Honey, let's stay in and order some Canadian food?"
Congress is also asking intelligence agencies
to investigate why the Canadians maintain
a threatening lead in Zamboni technology.
Think of your children pledging allegiance to the maple leaf.
Mayonnaise on everything.
Winter, 11 months of the year.
Anne Murray.
All day.
Every day.
Holy shit.
We're right on the border.
We're the first line of defense.
We have to get everyone organized.
All right, people!
Do not panic! I repeat, do not panic!
I'm in complete control.
Now, Honey, Kabral, Roy Boy, and myself,
we'll guard the hydro plant.
Snake, you guard Ed's gun shop.
Dell, the bowling alley.
The rest of you, guard this bar with your lives.
Yeah.
All right, people.
Let's move out.
♪ Fighting soldiers from the sky ♪
♪ Fearless men
♪ Who jump and die
♪ Men who mean
♪ Just what they say
♪ The brave men
♪ Of the green beret
♪ Silver wings
♪ Upon their chest
♪ These are men
♪ America's best
♪ 100 men
♪ Will test today
♪ But only three
♪ Win the green beret
♪ Put silver wings
♪ On my son's chest
♪ Make him one
♪ Of America's best
♪ He'll be a man
♪ They'll test one day
♪ Have him win
♪ The green beret ♪
Now, who would've thought?
America against the scary Canadians. ♪
Boy, I'm good.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. ♪
Christ. ♪
The American public's attention span
is about as long as your dick. ♪
You have got to give Americans something real,
something they can get their teeth into, ♪
something that will make them cry, "Bloody murder!"
Americans will not go to war, even a Cold War, ♪
unless they truly believe that their very lives are threatened.
What do you have in mind? ♪
Back in the early 1960s,♪
my old buddy Lyndon Johnson says,
"Boys, why don't we just bomb one of our own ships ♪
"and blame it on the North Vietnamese?"
We did. We shelled a U.S. Navy ship
in the Gulf of Tonkin.
At least, that's what we told everybody.
As far as I know, that damn boat was out in the middle of Lake Erie.
But,
24 hours later the U.S. Senate voted 98 to 2
to send troops to Vietnam.
That's an amazing story.
That's the truth, and it can still work.
Like maple syrup,
Canada's evil oozes over the United States.
How long will we remain silent to the screams?
That is stunning.
Everyone knows what it's like to get syrup on your fingers.
This guy's ingenious. I mean...
Mr. President, Canadian Prime Minister!
Clark?
How's Claire?
You were just watching on NBS, really?
I don't know what to think.
Looks like you people are planning something nasty.
What? If you feel that way about it, goodbye.
I like this.
I think now may be the time to turn up the heat.
What do you mean?
Well, what if... I'm just spitballing here.
That's okay. Go ahead.
A Canadian hit squad, i.e., trained professionals,
who looked like Canadians,
were photographed sabotaging an important installation inside the U.S.
Let's go there with a strike force,
knock out their infrastructure
quicker than you can say, "Collateral damage."
No. No.
Why not? Yeah, why not?
A war with Canada would be over in days.
Remember Grenada?
They didn't even wake Reagan up.
Didn't have to.
All we found were rich American med school rejects
and a couple of Cuban construction workers.
That's liberal bullshit. Cuba had a division in there.
What about Panama?
Right. Listen to this.
A few days of blasting Def Leppard over loudspeakers,
and Noriega ran out weeping.
And Iraq? Ha!
Ha.
They were supposed to have this big, bad army.
They had the biggest cannon, invented by a Canadian.
72 hours after we invade,
they're begging for a big Mac.
They stopped us a hundred miles short of Baghdad.
We just sat there waving our dicks at the desert.
Mr. President, do you want more of that,
or 50 years of Cold War prosperity
because Joe Schmoe American is scared shitless
the world's going to end before the next commercial?
Well, I think I like Mr. Smiley's approach.
No, no. I really like it.
Here's what we're going to do.
We'll get some Special Ops.
We'll disguise them as Canadians
and let them blow something up.
But nothing valuable, okay?
No casualties, all right?
There will be no casualties, and Canada gets the blame.
Come on. Step on the gas!
Double time. Double time.
We're just minutes away from blowing this hydro plant to kingdom come.
Ha! I'm back!
You got them down there?
Wait till those SOBs back at Langley see this on the nightly news.
Freeze! The both of you!
Don't move. Don't anybody move.
Honey, Canadians on the east wing. Bring the boys, quick!
Who the hell are you? Who the hell are you?
Get out! Go on! Look what we found!
Get your hands up there.
Come on! Hey, spread 'em!
Come on. Spread 'em! Let's go!
Under the articles of the Fifth Geneva Convention,
and with the powers invested in me by...
Would you please shut up? We're American!
Who plays quarterback for the St. Louis Cardinals?
I have no idea.
There ain't no more St. Louis Cardinals!
They moved to Phoenix!
Wait. Give us another one.
Sorry. Time's up!
Cuff 'em! Frisk these canucks!
Then call the CIA, the FBI, the DA, and the ASPCA,
and call Channel 5.
You're going to be on TV.
The nation remains stunned today
after the capture of secret Canadian agents
who were attempting to blow up the hydroelectric plant
in Niagara Falls, New York.
The Canadians were apprehended
by Niagara Sheriff, Bud B. Boomer.
Move! Move! Move!
Right.
Our correspondent, Charles Jackal,
who is rejoining us
after a stint at the Betty Ford Clinic,
kicks off our team coverage.
Chuck, it's great to have you back.
And it's great to be back.
I want to apologize for the hurt I may have caused that night
to so many of you,
especially those who were standing too close to the curb.
You know who you are.
Forgive me.
Ed, it's a startling revelation.
Canada, getting ready to invade,
has amassed 90% of its population
along its border with the United States.
The longest unprotected border in the world,
stretching from the Atlantic Ocean
to that other one.
You'll be pleased to know, sir,
that the Hacker Hellstorm
was delivered to and installed in Toronto yesterday.
Good work. Good work, boy.
When I found you,
I said to myself,
"I can make something out of that sniveling little sneak."
Yes, sir.
Sir, what exactly is the Hacker Hellstorm?
I'm just curious since I sold it and all.
Well, that's fair enough, Stu.
The Hacker Hellstorm is a devastating weapon,
a destabilizing weapon,
and it is capable
of launching all the missiles in the United States
at once. Really?
But the Canadians will never, ever use it.
How can you be so sure?
Because I didn't give them the operating codes.
Really?
They think it gives them an edge
on high-tech weather forecasting.
So the Hellstorm is harmless, yes?
Stuey.
Honey!
What the...
Holy shit.♪
What the hell?♪
Honey? Shh!
Kabral.
What does this look like to you?
Got me. I never saw a white one that size.
It's the Canadian National Tower.
Maybe I better carry the guns.
Where we going?
Boomer's got a special mission for us.
Says Canadians are too clean for their own good.
We're crossing over. To Canada?
Yep. We're going in tonight
to kick some Canadian butt.
Can we go to the Tower?
No. I don't think so.
Cut the engine. It's making too much noise.
What did you say?
We have to be very quiet.
We're all going to have to paddle.
Get those oars in the water.
Go on. Put your back into it.
Nice and easy. There you go.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Canada.
This'll drive them crazy!
There is no more heinous crime than this in Canada.
Are you sure we're in Canada?
Do you smell anything?
No. Exactly. Canada!
Hey, those look like my socks. That isn't garbage!
That's my laundry. Roy Boy, you idiot!
Pick this up!
You stupid jerk, what are you doing?
My good stuff.♪
Hello, who goes there?
Freeze!
Johnny Canuck!
Leave the park immediately
and go back to where you came from.
Scatter! Everybody back to the boat!
Sir, you can't end your sentence with a preposition.
Really?
Well, what would you say?
Well, I guess I'd say either,
"Go back from where you came,"
or the preferred Queen's English,
"Go back, thee, from whence thou came."
Man, that was close.
We were staring death right in its face!
So... Where's Honey?
Man, we forgot Honey!
I left Honey behind!
We left a man behind.
Boomer left a man behind!
The Marines never leave a man behind.
Chuck Norris never left a man behind.
Wesley Snipes never leaves a man behind!
She's all alone behind enemy lines.
I got to think!
She's going to be fine.
She's a survivor. She's strong!
Hope she doesn't kill anybody.
We interrupt our regularly-scheduled program
and go live to the President of the United States.
We have just learned that the Canadian government
is holding an American citizen hostage.
I have communicated with the Canadian Prime Minister
our demand that this hostage, this woman,
hostage Honey, must be released now!
My God. Honey!
To facilitate this,
I've ordered our armed forces on alert,
and I've ordered them to prepare to engage
in Operation Canadian Bacon.
And I want to say to Prime Minister MacDonald,
"Surrender her pronto, or we'll level Toronto."
God bless America.
God bless you, Mr. President.
Honey.
♪ And, honey, I miss you
♪ And I'm being good
♪ And I'd love to be with you ♪
♪ If only I could
This just got in. We have received amateur videotape of hostage Honey.
Roy Boy, Kabral, quick!
Honey!
Boomer!
Traitor! You Benedict Arnold!
You took off and left me here...
She's pissed.
You think?
I'll rip out every bone in your body! She's mad at you, Boomer.
Boomer, you hear me?
She is being held at Mountie Headquarters in Niagara Falls, Canada.
Sources in the intelligence community
speculate that Canada may be preparing to terminate her,
which would certainly be in keeping with what we know about the Canadians.
Terminate?
This is no less than an act of war.
There's a time to think and a time to act,
and this, gentlemen, is no time to think.
We'll have one more round, and then we'll go.
Chester!
Another round.
Same thing.
Gives Honey a chance to cool off a little bit.
Yeah, we know.
Yeah.
Come on. Out of the way.
There's not a locked door in the whole country.
Let's go!
I don't want to have to drop first blood, but I will if I have to!
I mean it, I'll hurt you.
Everybody down on the ground, and no one will be hurt!
The elk, the beaver, and the moose are man's best friends.
All right, Pops,
who's in charge?
Just the two of us, just Ruthie and me.
No other personnel in the whole building?
No. We're the night shift.
Excuse me, ma'am,
there's not another control room?
No, dear, this is it.
Thank you.
Boomer, maybe we better just go?
Stand your ground, soldier!
Brother.
Now, let me get this straight.
You're telling me that you two are responsible
for supplying all the electricity to your entire nation?
That's about the size of it.
Dad.
Does he ever like to brag.
Put those needles down,
nice and easy, where I can see them.
Spread out!
Find the power source for the Mountie Headquarters.
I'm going to ask you one more time.
Where is the power switch
to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Headquarters?
You're going to tell me sooner or later.
Now, we can do it my way,
which is very nice right now,
or we can do it their way,
which you're not going to like.
You Canadians are so sneaky.
Don't touch that. You'll black out most of Canada!
Yeah, right.
What do we look like, jerks?
Please!
You screwed up now.
I'll be the judge of that!
All right. Let's move out.
And you, don't tell anybody we was here.
Come on!
You know, I could get to like this.
Really?
On these screens here, Mr. President.
What is this? What's happening?
All of Canada is going dark, sir.
What do you make of this?
I'll tell you, but you'll dislike it.
Mr. President, Prime Minister MacDonald,
calling from Ottawa.
Yes...
Clark, hi.
Now, why would we want to cut off your power?
No. What... Calm down.
Calm...
No. If we were up to something, we would have mined your harbors.
Damn right.
What? Who?
Yeah, I see. Yeah.
We'll check this out, and we'll get back to you.
Goodbye!
You're not going to believe this.
That same goddamned sheriff from Niagara Falls,
that hero...
Bud Boomer.
He's the one responsible for the blackout.
Boomer? Sir. That's bullshit!
This is a Canadian trick.
Blame us, get world sympathy, and make it impossible
for our night-attack bombers to locate their cities
and destroy their inhabitants.
God, sir, that's the oldest trick in the book!
"Thank you for sleeping so quietly.
"I love you.
"Even though you're a criminal.
"Thank you for keeping your cell clean.
"I
"miss you."
Welcome to Canada.
Hold it right there, canuck.
Who are you?
I'm your worst nightmare.
I'm a citizen with a constitutional right to bear arms.
Take the pelts. Take whatever you want.
We don't want your stinking pelts.
Have some fudge. Just leave me alone.
Didn't you hear him?
We're your worst nightmare.
My worst nightmare involved a pack of rabid wolves.
I was stuck somewhere in the Yukon,
and there were tall, skinny rabbits,
and they were drinking heavily.
Just shut up!
We want your prisoner. Where is she?
I don't know what you're talking aboot.
"Aboot?" It's "about!"
What we're talking about!
And enough of that "" business.
Learn to talk right, understand?
We got ways of making you pronounce the letter "o."
I want my Honey!
Now, get the keys for the cells now.
Now!
Easy.
Okay, Mr. Canuck.
Mr. Two-time World Series winner.
Hey, watch that fancy move!
See? This is all the prisoners we have.
This man was arrested for putting regular gas into an unleaded tank.
Where do you think you're going?
I'm going over to show you the next guy.
Easy. One step at a time.
This man was arrested for being in too many bad moods.
I got you covered. I got you covered. I got you covered, buddy.
This man raided a company, merged it with his conglomerate,
and then fired all the employees.
Get away from the bars, you scum!
Boomer!
Hold on, Jack.
Now, you tell us where Honey is.
Let me paint a picture for you, buddy.
She's petite, extremely beautiful,
and heavily armed.
Wait. You mean the litterbug.
They took her to the capital
to give her a free mental health examination.
Good. The capital, Toronto.
No. The capital of Canada is Ottawa.
Yeah, right.
Do we look that stupid?
Ottawa!
Nice try, Dudley.
All right, boys! We're going to Toronto.
The capital.
Do you want some water?
Too bad.
Gentlemen.
Let's take the truck.
Let's go!
Hey, Boomer?
Yeah? What's wrong?
I got an idea.
Yeah.
Mr. President, I think we should look on the positive side.
What we have is a brave but misguided group of Americans
who've gone into Canada and kicked some serious Canadian butt.
Well, we've got to do something.
We could send in the Omega Force.
Isn't that a bit drastic?
Sir, the Helms Amendment and NSC Order 725
both specifically prohibit the use of Omega Force against Caucasians.
That's right.
I guess if I were the President's male secretary,
I might read the Helms Amendment that way.
What choice do we have, sir?
We have to take this sheriff out immediately
before this turns into a shooting war
instead of the Cold War that we wanted.
Mr. President. Hey! Hey!
Sheriff Boomer has become a national idol
at a time when our people lack true heroes,
yourself excluded, sir.
It would seem wise not to lose him.
General, the President should see this, sir.
Enraged by the imprisonment of hostage Honey,
and inspired by their hero Bud Boomer,
U.S. citizens from coast to coast
are taking actions against Americans of Canadian birth
and suspected Canadian sympathizers.
Some Americans in other border towns
have followed Sheriff Boomer into Canada
with the hope of liberating that country.
Everything I see or read about these Canadians
just makes me want to puke!
U.S.A. U.S.A.
It's time we put America back in North America.
God bless Bud Boomer!
U.S.A. U.S.A.
Christ.
Mr. President, I believe we have no choice
but to remove Bud Boomer judiciously.
Now.
Well, it's an idea.
Send in Omega Force!
♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away... ♪
Go fish.
Welcome to Canada.
Who are you?
That was totally unnecessary.
Where is Boomer?
I had an amazing hand.
Where is he?
Toronto.
We're coming, Honey. We're coming.
Hey, Boomer, how come you never let me drive, man?
Just don't start with me, all right?
The black cat never gets to drive.
It's not because you're black.
Lots of black guys drive all the time.
For example.
What's his name? Danny Glover
in Driving Miss... What's her name?
Danny Glover didn't drive Miss Daisy.
He drove Mel Gibson.
He didn't drive Mel Gibson.
That's Eddie Murphy drives Mel Gibson.
Eddie Murphy drives Nick Nolte.
He does not.
Hey, guys, I drove once.
Jeez.
Maybe it's not us.
It's not us.
Pull over! Pull over!
It's us. He wants us. All right.
We're pulling over.
All right, fellas. Just act normal, all right? Act normal.
Not normal for us. Normal for regular people.
Good day.
Hi.
May I see your license and registration, please?
There you go.
Thank you.
Americans!
Welcome to Ontario, a sportsman's paradise.
Isn't it, though?
Please get out and step away from the vehicle.
Okay.
What is wrong with this picture?
No snow tires. No.
I was driving on the wrong side of the road.
I can explain that. I am not used to your rules up here.
That's not it.
This writing on the side of your vehicle.
How did that get there?
Those kids at the garage, I just...
Whatever.
My concern is the sensibilities of a certain distinct
and viable part of Canadian society.
Les Quebecois.
You know, wine drinkers.
Pea-soup eaters. French Canadians.
Yeah. Those guys. Sure.
If you wish to avoid prosecution,
I'd advise that you comply with our language laws,
which specifically prescribe
that all signs be in both English and French,
Canada's two official languages. Okay.
I do have to fine you.
That'll be $1,000 Canadian or $10 American if you'd prefer.
No. I'll pay the American there. Yeah.
There you go, buddy.
Here you are, $10.
Thank you very much. There's your receipt.
Thank you.
And now...
In French, if you please.
Dr. Wall, Dr. Wall, please pick up line five.
All doctors participating in today's house calls, please report to the lobby.
"Get well soon
"from Prime Minister Clark MacDonald."
Anyone in need of a free triple bypass,
please sign the bonus slip in your room.
"Get well, get well, feel good."
This is...
"Best wishes, Gordon Lightfoot."
Ew!
Ottawa!
Go, Fifi!
So, we're up and around, are we?
And how are we feeling today?
Aren't you two a little young to be doctors?
We're not doctors. We're candy stripers.
Our universal health care system
has determined that you don't actually need a doctor until...
2006.
Until then, we're here to see
that you're comfortable and to give you...
A kidney transplant.
No, that can't be right.
Check the paperwork.
Douglas!
♪ Born
♪ Born in the U.S.A.
♪ I was
♪ Born in the U.S.A.
♪ I was
♪ Born in the U.S.A.
♪ I was
♪ Born in the U.S.A.
♪ I was
♪ Born in the U.S.A.
♪ Dah, dah
♪ Dah, dah, dah, U.S.A. ♪
If you catch a cold,
there's some aspirin in the cabinet.
And thanks for hanging on to my American-made assault weapons.
Dr. Fred Einerschmidt to 2-B.
Give me that.
♪ Oklahoma
♪ Oklahoma ♪
Hey, it's okay.
It was just my toe.
All right. That's enough, man.
You guys aren't thinking about Honey at all, are you?
I'm worried sick.
Ever see The Dirty Dozen?
That was a cool movie.
Man, that was real cool.
Lee Marvin.
Charles Bronson.
Ernest Borgnine.
Jim Brown.
Telly Savalas, Clint Walker.
Jim Brown.
Trini Lopez! Cool.
Trini Lopez? I never could figure that one out.
What the hell was he doing in The Dirty Dozen?
If I was putting together a group of murderers and cutthroats,
Trini Lopez would not be in the starting lineup.
That's why he dies first.
Don't they all die?
No. Jim Brown dies.
What do you expect?
Of all The Dirty Dozen, this black guy's
supposed to sneak in behind enemy lines and pretend he's a Kraut?
That's not it, man.
It's just the black guy always dies.
Think about it, man. Unforgiven.
Alien.
Rocky IV.
The Shining.
Star Trek II.
Forrest Gump.
Witness.
Annie Hall.
Not Annie Hall.
Night of the Living Dead.
That's the one!
And what about that brother in Jurassic Park?
That was cool.
Two black guys died in that one. A twofer!
You must be really pissed off at that one.
I'm telling you, man,
the black guy always dies first.
Aw, man.
Hey. Don't worry, Kabral.
You'll pass for Canadian.
You really do need help.
I need help? Yeah.
Knock it off with this Dirty Dozen stuff.
Did anyone see Dirty Dancing?
Whoo!
That was a good movie.
Welcome to the Hacker Hellstorm,
your one-stop program for total nuclear destruction.
Please enter your pin code now.
You have reached the Hellstorm communications center.
Please choose your missile launch sites from your on-screen menu.
Establishing contact with all U.S. launch sites.
American missiles now under the control of the Hacker Hellstorm.
Countdown ready to commence.
Hellstorm activated.
Thank God for technology.
12 hours to launch.
Any word from Omega Force, like where they are?
Hell, they...
What the hell is that?
It's Def-Con 4, sir.
Just remind me. What is Def-Con 4?
Defense condition 4, sir.
A nuclear attack is imminent or the opposite.
- I'm not quite sure. - Imminent, Stu!
There you go, imminent.
Well, can't we stop this?
The siren, sir, or nuclear exchange?
Either one!
Sir, our missile silos in southern Utah
have somehow become activated.
Well, who ordered that? It wasn't me, was it?
No. I didn't order that.
Can't you stop this?
General Panzer, where are those missiles aimed?
Well, sir...
Those ICBMs in southern Utah are
directed at...
At Moscow, sir.
What?
Why would you aim missiles at an ally?
Sir, it seems that nearly all of our missiles
are directed at targets in the former Soviet Republics.
Why the hell is that?
With all due respect, sir,
your boys in Intelligence never could decide
who was a big enough threat
to point those babies elsewhere.
Let me say, sir,
if one of our birds lands
in the Russkies' backyard,
plenty will be landing in ours.
I have just arrived here
as part of the Pentagon Press Corps.
There are some things we will not be allowed to show you.
But you can rest assured that you will be getting
all of the information you need to know.
I am standing here...
...in the middle of...
And it is...
For those of you with sons and daughters up here,
I can only say that...
And that's about the only thing
that has been going wrong at this point.
The activation order appears to be coming from Canada.
How can Canada activate our missiles?
Shit. The Hacker Hellstorm.
The what? The Hacker Hellstorm.
Sir, it's a program you canceled
when you tried to balance the budget.
What is the Hacker Hellstorm?
Vargo.
It's an automatic nuclear response system, sir.
It initiates a nuclear counterstrike on its own.
I never liked it. Took the fun out of Armageddon.
I'm glad they canceled the son of a bitch.
How did Canada get it?
That's classified.
Classified?
I'm the President!
How did Canada get it, Stu?
I want to talk to Hacker right now!
It's a vision.
My eyes.
There it is, men. Toronto.
It's beautiful.
It's like no other city I've ever seen.
It's like Albany.
Only cleaner.
The Tower!
That's Toronto, boys.
Cool.
Wow!
Jeez, how do they clean all those windows?
Windex, dummy.
Where did they get so many buildings?
It's eerie.
Where is everybody? I don't like this.
Me neither.
There's a kid up there.
Hey, hey, kid.
Kid, where is everybody?
The Tower.
The Tower?
The Canadian National Tower.
Some crazy American woman's there with a big gun.
Thanks.
Crazy American lady with a gun.
It's Honey! Come on, fellas, let's go.
- Attention, please. - Attention, please.
This is the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
Would you come down from the Tower, please?
If you say "please" one more time,
I'm going to let you have it.
No, no, no. I got that part.
What I don't understand is how the Canadians
have a fully functional and operational Hellstorm.
I thought what I sold them was not usable.
How the hell did I let you get me into this?
Stuey.
God Almighty.
Why do you bother your head with this kind of crap?
Maybe it's because you're an only child.
Or maybe it's because you're becoming irrelevant.
Now, calm down, for Christ's sake.
The Canadians cannot launch any missiles.
Only I can,
because I have the codes,
all of them.
And I'm in control.
So, easy.
Missile countdown has started in Wyoming and Montana.
All right. I want an answer.
Does Canada have the power
to launch America's nuclear weapons?
The Hacker Hellstorm can do that and a lot more.
And if you hadn't canceled that program,
the technology would still be in American hands.
So you sold control of American missiles to a foreign country.
If you can call Canada foreign. Or a country.
When you canceled that program,
you left me standing there
out of pocket $500 million!
I got to make up on a shortfall like that.
After all the billions he's made on Uncle Sam.
In a decent, God-fearing country,
I'd be allowed to beat the two of you to death.
It's scum like you that make a simple war all screwed up and confusing.
It's people like us who keep people like you in business.
We're now registering missile activity in Nevada.
All right, now I want to know
where exactly did you install this,
this Hellstorm thing?
Ever run an old possum up a tree, Mr. President?
He'll find the highest branch he can.
Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way.
I'm sorry.
Excuse me.
Out of my way. Out of my way.
I'm sorry.
Out of my way. Out of my way.
I'm sorry.
All right. You wait here.
I'll be right back. Get out of my way.
Now, you know that I built Hellstorm number 1.
But what you don't know is that I also built Hellstorm number 2.
Two? What's that? What's two?
It's to defend us against Hellstorm 1.
Just in case an enemy should ever acquire it.
I don't want to say that it's pure genius, but...
No, no. It's insane!
It's business.
And I can let you have it immediately, but it won't be cheap.
It won't be cheap? How much will it be?
$1 trillion.
$1 trillion!
That includes the cost overruns.
Mr. Hacker, you've got Uncle Sam by the cojones.
Don't you have any patriotism, sir?
What about the Alamo?
The Halls of Montezuma?
The Sands of Iwo Jima?
The Guns of Navarone?
Didn't you ever fantasize about The Duke
in The Flying Leathernecks?
I mean, fantasize about being The Duke,
not fantasize about The Duke.
You know what I mean, sir?
30 minutes to launch.
God.
What have you got there?
My God.
Mr. President, we have a situation Uranus in Utah.
They bumped their birds up to T-minus 7.
This is terrible. I didn't understand a word of what he said.
He said the missiles will launch in seven minutes.
My God!
Mr. President, you got six minutes and change.
This is a mistake you do not want to make!
Negotiate with him. Give him what he wants!
I know. Just give me a second.
Gentlemen, I intend to put some shoe leather
between me and ground zero.
Call me, Mr. President, when you decide to give me the money.
Wait a second. Hold on one second.
I don't understand something.
Why would the Canadians try to start a war between us and the Russians?
I don't get that.
Hacker!
Hacker! Hack...
Get me Intelligence. I need Intelligence.
Canada's not launching those missiles.
You are!
Give me the money, then I'll turn it off.
Give me the goddamn codes!
You son of a bitch, you're through!
My God!
Guards! Arrest Mr. Smiley!
Wait! I got the codes!
Mr. Hacker?
I think this old possum has bought the farm.
E-I-E-I-O.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Sorry.
Sorry!
Stu, Stu, Stu, it really pains me to see you this way.
Who am I kidding?
We'll torture him later. Get him out of here.
What about the Russians?
Call Moscow. We've got to warn them.
Vladimir Krushkin. He was in briefly over lunch,
countercoup, he was out, then reinstalled again.
As of supper, he was still there.
Let me level with you, sir.
I would destroy any nation,
even my own, if my president gave the order.
So you just say the word, sir,
and we'll do what we should have done in the first place.
We'll nuke the slimy canuck bastards.
We'll wipe their frigid, goddamned country off the map.
I can't kill America's neighbors.
I can. I summer up there.
I understand, sir.
Mr. President, we've lost contact with Omega Force.
Well, that's it.
Moscow is about to light up
hotter than a pig roast on flag day.
That'll certainly guarantee a retaliatory gesture against the United States.
No shit.
Get Prime Minister MacDonald on the phone.
I'll give him anything he wants.
Got to.
This is the Hacker Hellstorm weather forecasting center.
1 minute, 50 seconds to total annihilation.
Have a nice day.
Mr. Prime Minister, I'm asking you to stop it.
Now pay attention to me, okay?
I'm talking about the Hacker Hellstorm.
You got it, and you've got to turn it off.
Clark, we can't turn it off. Of course we've tried!
We can't turn it...
He's putting his wife on.
Hi.
Ecoutez,
vous avez gagne.
Fermez les "rockettes", okay?
About two years in high school
and about four years in college.
Well, thank you.
American missiles will launch in 1 minute and 30 seconds.
When will it end?
Clark, are you listening to me?
Don't launch the rockets.
Our rockets! Don't launch them!
I'm giving up, you understand?
Whatever you want, you've got it! You've won!
Don't play games with me, Clark! You won!
Canuck central!
T-minus 15 seconds.
The canucks and Hacker?
10 seconds to launch.
Prepare to launch.
Clark, please! We're running out of time!
That's my Honey.
Boomer! Don't like heights.
We've got to get out of here. Come on!
Step on it.
Now, this is what I call a health care system.
Look, Honey. Home.
Home.
The US of A.
Whoo! Let's go.
There it is!
Like I care!
We're going to be there any minute now! Yeah! Trust me.
♪ Only in America
♪ Can a guy from anywhere
♪ Go to sleep a pauper
♪ And wake up a millionaire ♪
♪ Only in America
♪ Can a kid without a cent ♪
♪ Get a break and maybe grow up to be president ♪
♪ Only in America
♪ Land of opportunity, yeah ♪
♪ Could a boy who's nothing ♪
♪ Be something and be everything ♪
♪ Only in America
♪ Can a kid who's washin' cars ♪
♪ Take a giant step
♪ And reach right up and touch the stars ♪
♪ Only in America
♪ Could a dream like this come true ♪
♪ Could a guy like me
♪ Start with nothing and end up ♪
♪ Like you
♪ Only in America
♪ Land of opportunity, yeah ♪
♪ Could a boy who's nothing ♪
♪ Be something and be everything ♪
♪ Be everything
♪ America
♪ America ♪
♪ Beneath its snowy mantle cold and clean ♪
♪ The unborn grass lies waiting ♪
♪ For its gold to turn to green ♪
♪ The snowbird sings the song he always sings ♪
♪ And speaks to me of flowers ♪
♪ That will bloom again in Spring ♪
♪ When I was young my heart was young then, too ♪
♪ And anything that it would tell me ♪
♪ That's the thing that I would do ♪
♪ But now I feel such emptiness within ♪
♪ For the thing that I want most in life's ♪
♪ The thing that I can't win ♪
♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away ♪
♪ And take the snow back with you ♪
♪ Where it came from on that day ♪
♪ The one I loved forever is untrue ♪
♪ And if I could
♪ You know that I would fly away with you ♪
♪ The breeze along the river seems to say ♪
♪ That he'll only break my heart again ♪
♪ Should I decide to stay
♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away ♪
♪ And take the snow back with you ♪
♪ Where it came from on that day ♪
♪ The one I loved forever is untrue ♪
♪ And if I could
♪ You know that I would fly...♪
♪ away with you ♪