1 00:00:51,028 --> 00:00:56,600 ♪ God bless America again 2 00:00:58,936 --> 00:01:04,575 ♪ You must know the trouble that she's in ♪ 3 00:01:06,444 --> 00:01:09,413 ♪ Wash her pretty face 4 00:01:10,514 --> 00:01:13,351 ♪ Dry her eyes and then 5 00:01:14,485 --> 00:01:20,224 ♪ God bless America again 6 00:01:22,993 --> 00:01:24,695 ♪ You know 7 00:01:24,795 --> 00:01:28,166 ♪ I wish God would bless America again ♪ 8 00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,569 ♪ Like he did way back there 9 00:01:31,669 --> 00:01:33,604 ♪ When it all began 10 00:01:33,704 --> 00:01:35,273 ♪ He blessed her then 11 00:01:35,373 --> 00:01:37,875 ♪ But we sort of took it for granted ♪ 12 00:01:37,975 --> 00:01:39,810 ♪ And didn't ask again 13 00:01:39,910 --> 00:01:43,080 ♪ So let's just kinda hold her hand now ♪ 14 00:01:43,181 --> 00:01:44,782 ♪ That's all 15 00:01:44,882 --> 00:01:47,385 ♪ In case she stumbles 16 00:01:48,619 --> 00:01:51,489 ♪ Let's don't let her fall ♪ 17 00:01:51,589 --> 00:01:54,825 Let's go live to TV 10's Kelly Breen. 18 00:01:54,925 --> 00:01:57,328 It's a big day in Niagara Falls, New York, 19 00:01:57,428 --> 00:01:58,796 where the presidential motorcade 20 00:01:58,896 --> 00:02:01,232 will pass by in a few moments. 21 00:02:01,332 --> 00:02:04,202 The turnout is pretty much nonexistent, 22 00:02:04,268 --> 00:02:06,036 which is rather surprising. 23 00:02:06,204 --> 00:02:10,007 This is the first time a president has been here since 1901, 24 00:02:10,107 --> 00:02:13,076 when William McKinley stopped by and was shot. 25 00:02:13,211 --> 00:02:18,549 ♪ God bless America again 26 00:02:20,884 --> 00:02:26,590 ♪ You must know the trouble that she's in ♪ 27 00:02:28,926 --> 00:02:32,730 ♪ Wash her pretty face 28 00:02:32,830 --> 00:02:35,699 ♪ Dry her eyes and then 29 00:02:36,934 --> 00:02:42,240 ♪ God bless America again 30 00:02:45,075 --> 00:02:49,247 ♪ I don't understand everything I read and hear ♪ 31 00:02:49,280 --> 00:02:52,516 ♪ About what's wrong with America ♪ 32 00:02:52,616 --> 00:02:54,952 ♪ When you don't have a lot of book learning ♪ 33 00:02:55,052 --> 00:02:58,422 ♪ There's many things you don't understand ♪ 34 00:02:59,357 --> 00:03:01,359 ♪ But I know this much 35 00:03:01,459 --> 00:03:03,894 ♪ She's like a mother to me 36 00:03:03,994 --> 00:03:06,330 ♪ I love her with all my heart ♪ 37 00:03:06,430 --> 00:03:10,133 ♪ And let me tell you this, Mister ♪ 38 00:03:10,268 --> 00:03:14,272 ♪ Everything I am or ever hope to be ♪ 39 00:03:14,305 --> 00:03:16,073 ♪ I owe to her ♪ 40 00:03:16,173 --> 00:03:18,409 Topping the President's agenda today will be a speech 41 00:03:18,509 --> 00:03:20,911 at the recently closed Hacker Defense Plant. 42 00:03:21,011 --> 00:03:24,114 Hacker was closed, 10,000 employees laid off 43 00:03:24,282 --> 00:03:25,616 due to the end of the Cold War, 44 00:03:25,716 --> 00:03:27,285 which rendered useless 45 00:03:27,318 --> 00:03:29,387 the military supplies they produced there. 46 00:03:29,487 --> 00:03:31,021 The public is being encouraged 47 00:03:31,121 --> 00:03:33,023 to not only and listen to the President's speech, 48 00:03:33,123 --> 00:03:35,626 but also pick up on a bargain. 49 00:03:35,726 --> 00:03:37,861 There are some good deals left on items 50 00:03:37,961 --> 00:03:40,998 ranging from missiles to light armament. 51 00:03:41,098 --> 00:03:45,035 One of those laid-off employees this morning had quite an altercation. 52 00:03:45,135 --> 00:03:49,840 This ex-Hacker employee is trying to deface the image of R.J. Hacker, 53 00:03:49,940 --> 00:03:51,542 the chairman of that company. 54 00:03:51,642 --> 00:03:53,611 He got away before he could be apprehended. 55 00:03:55,679 --> 00:04:01,519 ♪ God bless America again 56 00:04:03,454 --> 00:04:09,327 ♪ You must know the trouble that she's in ♪ 57 00:04:11,429 --> 00:04:15,098 ♪ Wash her pretty face 58 00:04:15,198 --> 00:04:18,369 ♪ Dry her eyes and then 59 00:04:19,437 --> 00:04:24,542 ♪ God bless America again 60 00:04:27,110 --> 00:04:32,483 ♪ Please God bless America again ♪♪ 61 00:04:53,471 --> 00:04:54,505 Shit! 62 00:05:32,410 --> 00:05:33,611 Meanwhile, in other news, 63 00:05:33,711 --> 00:05:35,513 due to the record number of laid-off workers 64 00:05:35,613 --> 00:05:38,015 jumping to their death in Niagara Falls, 65 00:05:38,115 --> 00:05:40,851 the City Council has just approved an incentive program. 66 00:05:40,951 --> 00:05:44,988 Sheriff's deputies who talk someone out of jumping will be getting $25. 67 00:05:45,088 --> 00:05:48,125 If they go in to retrieve the body, they'll be getting $50. 68 00:05:48,225 --> 00:05:51,429 Jump! Jump! Jump! 69 00:05:53,330 --> 00:05:54,932 What'll this one make? 70 00:05:56,233 --> 00:05:57,768 The third one today. 71 00:05:58,969 --> 00:06:00,771 Ninth this week. 72 00:06:00,871 --> 00:06:03,040 Man, are we racking up the grief bonus! 73 00:06:07,010 --> 00:06:10,080 450 bucks, and the week's not over yet. 74 00:06:10,180 --> 00:06:11,281 Stick with me, Honey. 75 00:06:11,449 --> 00:06:13,083 Things keep going like this, 76 00:06:13,183 --> 00:06:15,052 we'll make what we used to make at Hacker. 77 00:06:15,152 --> 00:06:16,454 You know it. 78 00:06:20,524 --> 00:06:22,460 What's this guy doing up there? 79 00:06:29,767 --> 00:06:31,234 It's a free country. 80 00:06:31,334 --> 00:06:34,638 He doesn't like it here, he can swim to Canada. 81 00:06:35,706 --> 00:06:37,274 A lot of work there. 82 00:06:37,374 --> 00:06:39,009 Shut up and look at this. 83 00:06:42,112 --> 00:06:44,782 Hey, isn't that... It's our good friend, Roy Boy. 84 00:06:45,315 --> 00:06:46,517 Jump! 85 00:06:46,617 --> 00:06:48,552 No, no! He's wearing my good hat! 86 00:06:48,652 --> 00:06:51,054 Let's help him out. Great. 87 00:06:51,154 --> 00:06:54,992 Don't jump, Roy Boy, don't jump! Help is on the way! 88 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:04,902 Nice shootin'! 89 00:07:05,002 --> 00:07:06,570 All right! 90 00:07:06,670 --> 00:07:07,805 Who did this? 91 00:07:09,072 --> 00:07:10,774 Medic. 92 00:07:10,874 --> 00:07:12,976 That was a beautiful thing you just did, Honey. 93 00:07:13,811 --> 00:07:15,012 God, I love you. 94 00:07:16,747 --> 00:07:17,848 Just kidding. 95 00:07:20,784 --> 00:07:22,686 I was kidding. 96 00:07:28,025 --> 00:07:29,927 Let me get this straight. 97 00:07:30,027 --> 00:07:32,062 You shot me 98 00:07:32,162 --> 00:07:35,165 because I didn't want to go on living? 99 00:07:35,265 --> 00:07:36,567 Yeah. You want me to finish the job? 100 00:07:36,667 --> 00:07:39,537 Relax, Honey. Roy Boy, would you please pipe down? 101 00:07:39,603 --> 00:07:44,274 I was trying to make a statement about our plight. 102 00:07:44,374 --> 00:07:47,277 At least the plight of those whose uncle ain't the mayor. 103 00:07:47,377 --> 00:07:49,112 Don't you mention my Uncle Jack. 104 00:07:49,212 --> 00:07:51,114 You're thinking nepotism. 105 00:07:51,214 --> 00:07:53,851 I took that test and passed it fair and square. 106 00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:56,887 What about handing her a job? I'm your buddy. 107 00:07:56,987 --> 00:07:58,689 Don't you mention Honey like that. 108 00:07:59,590 --> 00:08:01,124 Look, you guys, 109 00:08:01,224 --> 00:08:06,063 my life has been complete hell since Hacker laid me off. 110 00:08:06,163 --> 00:08:07,364 We know how you feel. 111 00:08:07,464 --> 00:08:09,733 We all feel the same way. 112 00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:11,602 We've all made big changes in our life 113 00:08:11,702 --> 00:08:13,103 since the plant closed down. 114 00:08:13,203 --> 00:08:14,371 That's right. 115 00:08:14,471 --> 00:08:17,775 If life hands you a lemon, crush it into lemonade. 116 00:08:17,875 --> 00:08:19,577 That's positive thinking. 117 00:08:19,677 --> 00:08:21,712 Come on, smile. 118 00:08:21,812 --> 00:08:25,616 ♪ Just what makes that little ol' ant ♪ 119 00:08:25,716 --> 00:08:29,052 ♪ Think he'd move that rubber tree plant ♪ 120 00:08:29,152 --> 00:08:31,622 ♪ Everyone knows an ant 121 00:08:31,722 --> 00:08:32,690 ♪ Can't 122 00:08:32,790 --> 00:08:35,492 ♪ Move a rubber tree plant 123 00:08:35,593 --> 00:08:36,359 ♪ 'Cause he's got Roy Boy, sing! 124 00:08:36,459 --> 00:08:38,161 ♪ High hopes 125 00:08:38,261 --> 00:08:39,663 ♪ He's got 126 00:08:39,763 --> 00:08:41,665 ♪ High hopes 127 00:08:41,765 --> 00:08:43,701 ♪ He's got 128 00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:48,038 ♪ High-apple-pie- in-the-sky hopes ♪ 129 00:08:48,138 --> 00:08:51,008 ♪ So any time you're feelin' low ♪ 130 00:08:51,108 --> 00:08:52,610 ♪ Instead of lettin' go 131 00:08:52,676 --> 00:08:56,680 ♪ Just remember that ant 132 00:08:56,780 --> 00:08:58,916 ♪ Woops, there goes another rubber tree ♪ 133 00:08:59,016 --> 00:09:02,185 ♪ Woops, there goes another rubber tree ♪ 134 00:09:02,285 --> 00:09:05,889 ♪ Woops, there goes another rubber tree plant ♪ 135 00:09:05,989 --> 00:09:07,625 ♪ Ker-plop! ♪ 136 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,035 President here yet, Riley? 137 00:09:18,135 --> 00:09:19,169 Officer Riley. 138 00:09:19,269 --> 00:09:20,638 Sure. Sorry. 139 00:09:20,704 --> 00:09:23,641 You fellas need any backup here, Officer Riley? 140 00:09:23,707 --> 00:09:24,775 I don't think so, Sheriff. 141 00:09:24,875 --> 00:09:26,276 Okay. 142 00:09:26,376 --> 00:09:28,646 You finding a lot of roadkill this year, Sheriff? 143 00:09:31,982 --> 00:09:33,016 We get to keep what we find. 144 00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:38,121 Forgive me. Where are my manners? 145 00:09:38,221 --> 00:09:40,557 This is my woman deputy, Honey. 146 00:09:40,658 --> 00:09:43,260 Honey's been a real asset since she got her parole. 147 00:09:47,197 --> 00:09:48,398 Next, I have an unused, 148 00:09:48,498 --> 00:09:50,000 air-delivered, chemical weapon. 149 00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:52,870 Guaranteed death within three minutes. 150 00:09:52,970 --> 00:09:55,005 What do I hear for this miracle of modern science? 151 00:09:55,105 --> 00:09:56,940 Do I hear... 152 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,375 Spread 'em, or I'll blow your brains out. 153 00:09:59,910 --> 00:10:01,311 Where the hell you guys been? 154 00:10:01,411 --> 00:10:03,513 Pulling stiffs out of the Falls. 155 00:10:03,613 --> 00:10:06,149 You promised I could pull the stiffs out this time. 156 00:10:06,249 --> 00:10:08,418 I need the money. 157 00:10:08,518 --> 00:10:12,956 We never got the $50. We stopped Roy Boy from jumping off. 158 00:10:14,557 --> 00:10:16,226 What? You're jumping off the Falls now? 159 00:10:16,326 --> 00:10:17,627 I was making a statement. 160 00:10:17,728 --> 00:10:19,429 Stop with the statement thing. 161 00:10:19,529 --> 00:10:20,998 Get us a beer. 162 00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:22,199 I do love an auction. 163 00:10:23,867 --> 00:10:27,170 What do I hear for this beautiful, wire-guided, 164 00:10:27,270 --> 00:10:29,006 uranium-tipped fire-and-forget thing? 165 00:10:29,106 --> 00:10:32,109 Who'll give me $1,000? 1,000, 1,000, 1,000? 166 00:10:32,209 --> 00:10:33,310 $500, then. 167 00:10:33,410 --> 00:10:35,045 Have $500 anyone? 168 00:10:35,145 --> 00:10:36,446 $500, my ass. 169 00:10:36,546 --> 00:10:38,315 Come on, ladies and gentlemen. 170 00:10:38,415 --> 00:10:42,986 Built right here in Niagara Falls. You can own one. 171 00:10:43,086 --> 00:10:44,121 You built it. You can own it now. 172 00:10:44,221 --> 00:10:48,158 300, 300, 300, 4. 400, 400, 400, 400, 5. 173 00:10:48,258 --> 00:10:50,728 Can we get out of here? 174 00:10:50,828 --> 00:10:53,196 All these guns and white people are making me nervous. 175 00:10:53,296 --> 00:10:55,298 Ease off with that "white people" stuff. 176 00:10:55,398 --> 00:10:56,166 You got me looking at 'em funny. 177 00:10:58,201 --> 00:10:59,870 I've got 25, 26, 25, 26. 178 00:11:01,071 --> 00:11:02,339 Sold! $25. 179 00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,843 All right. Here you go. 180 00:11:05,943 --> 00:11:07,344 Next, we have... 181 00:11:14,617 --> 00:11:15,753 Pardon me. 182 00:11:15,819 --> 00:11:17,855 Out of the way. Let me by. 183 00:11:17,955 --> 00:11:20,490 Anyone! Could I have $100, please? 184 00:11:20,590 --> 00:11:22,059 Give me that microphone. 185 00:11:23,560 --> 00:11:24,762 I reckon all of you know me. 186 00:11:24,828 --> 00:11:28,065 I'm R.J. Hacker, and I own Hacker Dynamics 187 00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:30,167 and Hacker Aerospace, 188 00:11:30,267 --> 00:11:31,234 Time-Hacker, 189 00:11:31,334 --> 00:11:32,770 Hacker-Upjohn, 190 00:11:32,870 --> 00:11:36,774 and a bunch of others I don't even remember, and you don't care. 191 00:11:36,807 --> 00:11:39,642 You're upset because I closed this plant 192 00:11:39,777 --> 00:11:41,511 and put you out on the street. 193 00:11:41,611 --> 00:11:44,882 Well, I want you to know I'm upset, too. 194 00:11:44,982 --> 00:11:48,118 In fact, I get choked up thinking about it. 195 00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:05,402 Boo! Boo! 196 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:11,809 Shit. 197 00:12:13,443 --> 00:12:15,512 Pill-popping freaks. Look at this trash. 198 00:12:15,612 --> 00:12:17,114 Just garbage. Human garbage. 199 00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:19,649 Look. That's what we get for kicking butt 200 00:12:19,817 --> 00:12:21,852 in every goddamn corner of the world. 201 00:12:21,952 --> 00:12:25,856 Why do we have to be here at these closings? 202 00:12:25,956 --> 00:12:28,325 General, we're here to show the people that we care. 203 00:12:28,425 --> 00:12:31,829 Let's put on a happy face, shall we? 204 00:12:31,895 --> 00:12:34,832 Used to be that you had your Russian reds, 205 00:12:34,898 --> 00:12:37,100 your Cuban red, Hollywood red. 206 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,236 Here a red, there a red, everywhere a red red. 207 00:12:39,336 --> 00:12:41,872 E-I-E-I-O. 208 00:12:41,972 --> 00:12:44,107 But it kept us on our toes. 209 00:12:44,207 --> 00:12:47,444 We didn't know who to mistrust, 210 00:12:47,544 --> 00:12:49,412 but we had to defend ourselves. 211 00:12:49,512 --> 00:12:52,682 You had good jobs to put meat on the table. 212 00:12:52,850 --> 00:12:56,086 But today we find ourselves being destroyed 213 00:12:56,186 --> 00:12:57,687 not by the reds, 214 00:12:57,855 --> 00:13:00,157 but by a bunch of shortsighted, 215 00:13:00,257 --> 00:13:01,859 bleeding-heart, 216 00:13:01,959 --> 00:13:04,127 penny-pinching Washington wimps. 217 00:13:04,227 --> 00:13:05,528 Who is this guy? 218 00:13:05,628 --> 00:13:07,430 R.J. Hacker, sir. 219 00:13:07,530 --> 00:13:08,665 How about some credit? 220 00:13:08,765 --> 00:13:12,002 I'm the only president who hasn't gotten us into a war. 221 00:13:12,102 --> 00:13:13,770 I think that's his point, sir. 222 00:13:13,871 --> 00:13:15,338 You have yet to send our boys into battle. 223 00:13:15,438 --> 00:13:17,440 Where? Nobody's bothering us. 224 00:13:17,540 --> 00:13:19,877 Send them anywhere, sir. 225 00:13:19,977 --> 00:13:22,245 Guaranteed 30-point boost in the polls. 226 00:13:22,345 --> 00:13:23,914 Well, I'm not going to start a war 227 00:13:24,014 --> 00:13:26,950 just to increase my popularity. 228 00:13:29,452 --> 00:13:31,054 What can I do for 20 points? 229 00:13:31,154 --> 00:13:33,190 ...makes me want to commit acts I cannot utter in public. 230 00:13:34,257 --> 00:13:36,293 Here he is now. 231 00:13:36,393 --> 00:13:39,096 The man that a thin majority of you 232 00:13:39,196 --> 00:13:42,665 chose to be President of the United States. 233 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:58,148 Stu. 234 00:13:58,248 --> 00:14:00,417 Little hard on the leader 235 00:14:00,517 --> 00:14:02,219 of the free world, don't you think? 236 00:14:02,319 --> 00:14:05,455 It's just what he deserved. 237 00:14:05,555 --> 00:14:08,325 This peace ain't all it's cracked up to be. 238 00:14:08,425 --> 00:14:12,195 Especially if we keep laying off thousands of voters. 239 00:14:12,295 --> 00:14:14,965 What would you suggest we do to keep these factories open? 240 00:14:16,666 --> 00:14:18,936 Should I call up the Russians, 241 00:14:19,036 --> 00:14:22,005 see if they want to get back into it? 242 00:14:22,105 --> 00:14:26,176 Don't you get sarcastic with me, you little pissant! 243 00:14:26,276 --> 00:14:28,311 You just had an idea that I liked! 244 00:14:28,411 --> 00:14:30,147 I want you to follow up on it. 245 00:14:30,247 --> 00:14:34,751 See to it that those Russkies get back in the Cold War mode. 246 00:14:34,851 --> 00:14:38,956 If you don't, you'll go right back where I found you. 247 00:14:39,022 --> 00:14:41,124 Now, don't make decisions. Just do it. 248 00:14:41,224 --> 00:14:43,826 I want to thank you for that great welcome. 249 00:14:43,961 --> 00:14:48,131 You provided the power to win the Cold War 250 00:14:48,231 --> 00:14:50,100 for the United States of America. 251 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:54,071 If we could take what we spent on just one day of the Cold War, 252 00:14:54,171 --> 00:14:57,507 we could put our children through school for the year. 253 00:14:57,607 --> 00:15:01,111 Now's our chance to do it. 254 00:15:01,211 --> 00:15:05,048 Time to turn off that war machine and turn on our children. 255 00:15:08,851 --> 00:15:10,020 Turn... Turn on our children. 256 00:15:11,121 --> 00:15:12,622 The time has come, fortunately, 257 00:15:12,722 --> 00:15:15,993 for us to beat our swords into plowshares. 258 00:15:16,026 --> 00:15:18,161 Excuse me. Do you work here? 259 00:15:18,261 --> 00:15:19,496 You work here? 260 00:15:19,596 --> 00:15:22,632 I want to get a copy of the speech. 261 00:15:22,732 --> 00:15:24,534 A transcript or something? 262 00:15:24,634 --> 00:15:25,668 And you are... 263 00:15:25,768 --> 00:15:26,803 I'm sorry. 264 00:15:26,903 --> 00:15:29,506 Sheriff Bud Boomer, Niagara County. 265 00:15:29,606 --> 00:15:31,574 And your handle is? 266 00:15:31,674 --> 00:15:32,909 What? Your name? Your name. 267 00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:37,180 Stuart Smiley, the president's National Security Advisor. 268 00:15:39,049 --> 00:15:41,084 Stu, you're just the guy we wanted to see. 269 00:15:41,184 --> 00:15:45,022 Can you give us a deal at our sheriff's department? 270 00:15:45,088 --> 00:15:47,257 We're looking for... What do you call them? 271 00:15:47,357 --> 00:15:51,394 The M-16 40-millimeter grenade launchers. 272 00:15:51,494 --> 00:15:53,363 Flash, fragmentation, 273 00:15:53,463 --> 00:15:57,200 incendiary illumination, and smoke. 274 00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:58,435 To go, please. 275 00:15:58,535 --> 00:15:59,802 Are we putting on a play? 276 00:15:59,902 --> 00:16:01,371 It's for civil disturbances only. 277 00:16:01,471 --> 00:16:03,106 "How many times 278 00:16:04,807 --> 00:16:07,344 "must the cannonballs fly" 279 00:16:09,179 --> 00:16:10,547 You tell us. 280 00:16:10,647 --> 00:16:11,714 "Before they're forever banned?" 281 00:16:14,484 --> 00:16:15,252 "The answer, my friend, 282 00:16:16,086 --> 00:16:18,421 "is blowin' in the wind. 283 00:16:21,591 --> 00:16:23,193 "The answer, my friend..." 284 00:16:27,597 --> 00:16:30,533 Okay. I'm in command here. Stay calm. 285 00:16:30,633 --> 00:16:32,535 Get off me! 286 00:16:32,635 --> 00:16:33,803 The sheriff has the eagle covered. 287 00:16:33,903 --> 00:16:35,605 It's an honor to meet you. 288 00:16:35,705 --> 00:16:38,475 I'm sorry I didn't vote for you. I had to stay home. 289 00:16:38,575 --> 00:16:40,543 The cable installers said they'd come... 290 00:16:40,643 --> 00:16:43,546 Get off me. Pardon? 291 00:16:43,646 --> 00:16:44,847 Get off me! 292 00:16:44,947 --> 00:16:46,116 I'm sorry. Sure. 293 00:16:47,850 --> 00:16:49,086 God. 294 00:16:54,857 --> 00:16:58,095 Good thing for you the President liked me. 295 00:16:58,195 --> 00:16:59,762 Otherwise, you'd be in big trouble. 296 00:16:59,862 --> 00:17:02,932 Right. You must be really important, Boomer. 297 00:17:03,100 --> 00:17:04,634 You see Cops last night? 298 00:17:04,734 --> 00:17:06,002 I wouldn't miss it. 299 00:17:06,103 --> 00:17:07,737 They kept the camera running 300 00:17:07,837 --> 00:17:10,006 while they were waling away on those guys. 301 00:17:10,107 --> 00:17:12,742 Whack, whack, whack, whack! 302 00:17:12,842 --> 00:17:16,413 It was awesome! Ooh! 303 00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:17,880 You think we're ever gonna be on Cops? 304 00:17:17,980 --> 00:17:19,482 Damn right we will. 305 00:17:19,582 --> 00:17:22,952 Wait'll they see me throwing myself on that grenade. 306 00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:24,887 You threw the President on the grenade. 307 00:17:24,987 --> 00:17:26,723 Well, whatever. 308 00:17:27,990 --> 00:17:29,326 Morning, Mr. President. 309 00:17:29,426 --> 00:17:30,760 Morning, sir. 310 00:17:30,860 --> 00:17:33,330 I have the results from the overnight tracking. 311 00:17:33,430 --> 00:17:34,831 Care to hear the damage? 312 00:17:35,832 --> 00:17:36,899 Yeah. I can take it. 313 00:17:36,999 --> 00:17:38,135 It's good news, sir. 314 00:17:38,235 --> 00:17:40,237 Immediately after the assassination attempt, 315 00:17:40,337 --> 00:17:42,872 we got a 15-point boost in the national polls. 316 00:17:42,972 --> 00:17:44,641 Okay. 317 00:17:44,741 --> 00:17:47,244 They dropped off considerably 318 00:17:47,344 --> 00:17:49,379 once word got out that you were still alive. 319 00:17:49,479 --> 00:17:53,150 But the initial massive gains the Dow Jones made 320 00:17:53,183 --> 00:17:55,385 after the assassination bulletin 321 00:17:55,485 --> 00:17:57,587 held for the entire business day. 322 00:17:57,687 --> 00:17:58,955 That's good news. 323 00:17:59,055 --> 00:18:01,158 According to this, rumors that you were 324 00:18:01,191 --> 00:18:04,261 clinically dead for five minutes, and returned to life 325 00:18:04,361 --> 00:18:06,563 boosted your rating with the religious right. 326 00:18:06,663 --> 00:18:07,830 That's good. 327 00:18:07,930 --> 00:18:12,369 But the voters felt that your being alive or dead 328 00:18:12,469 --> 00:18:14,171 had no real bearing on their daily lives. 329 00:18:14,271 --> 00:18:16,239 You can take that a couple of ways. 330 00:18:16,339 --> 00:18:18,708 With all due respect, sir, 331 00:18:18,808 --> 00:18:20,643 enjoy your single term. 332 00:18:21,644 --> 00:18:23,613 You know, it's not fair. 333 00:18:23,713 --> 00:18:25,782 Every other president had the Russians to blame for everything. 334 00:18:27,684 --> 00:18:29,252 What have I got? 335 00:18:29,352 --> 00:18:33,356 It is really too bad that the Russians are no longer in the game. 336 00:18:33,456 --> 00:18:36,426 They weren't much fun anyway. Never got to kill any. 337 00:18:36,526 --> 00:18:39,529 But without them, you and your friends 338 00:18:39,629 --> 00:18:40,963 would've had to get real jobs. 339 00:18:41,063 --> 00:18:43,200 That isn't funny, Stu. Stu's got a point. 340 00:18:43,266 --> 00:18:44,201 What point, sir? 341 00:18:44,234 --> 00:18:45,702 You got a point, too. 342 00:18:45,802 --> 00:18:48,705 My point is that Russia is in such shambles, 343 00:18:48,805 --> 00:18:52,041 they couldn't sissy-slap us if they tried. 344 00:18:52,209 --> 00:18:54,844 Well, they still have all those missiles lying around. 345 00:18:54,944 --> 00:18:55,978 20,473, to be exact. 346 00:18:56,078 --> 00:18:57,680 Are you kidding? 347 00:18:57,780 --> 00:18:59,282 One of their breakaway republics, Kazakhstan, 348 00:18:59,382 --> 00:19:03,220 is the third-ranking nuclear power in the world. 349 00:19:03,253 --> 00:19:04,454 Are you kidding? 350 00:19:04,554 --> 00:19:07,890 Most Americans don't know where Kazakhstan is. 351 00:19:07,990 --> 00:19:09,492 My travel agent can't find it. 352 00:19:09,592 --> 00:19:10,793 I can imagine why. 353 00:19:10,893 --> 00:19:13,230 What do you want to do about Russia? 354 00:19:13,263 --> 00:19:16,766 Let's find out who's in charge over there this week. 355 00:19:16,866 --> 00:19:17,967 Vladimir Krushkin. 356 00:19:18,067 --> 00:19:19,969 Vlad. I like him. That's good. 357 00:19:20,069 --> 00:19:23,573 Let's ask him to come over. We can have a summit thing. 358 00:19:23,673 --> 00:19:26,876 Maybe we can work something out like before. 359 00:19:26,976 --> 00:19:30,480 That's an excellent idea. Super idea, sir. 360 00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:31,948 We got a contingency plan. 361 00:19:32,048 --> 00:19:33,383 Good. We'll bring it right in. 362 00:19:33,483 --> 00:19:34,584 Good, good. 363 00:20:00,042 --> 00:20:02,279 Look at the treacherous bastards. 364 00:20:02,379 --> 00:20:03,846 Once a commie, always a commie. 365 00:20:03,946 --> 00:20:05,415 Pretend you're not here. 366 00:20:05,515 --> 00:20:06,649 Shut up, peanuts. 367 00:20:06,749 --> 00:20:09,218 All right. Be nice. This man's our only hope. 368 00:20:10,587 --> 00:20:12,822 Mr. President, welcome to our summit. 369 00:20:12,922 --> 00:20:14,223 You look great. 370 00:20:17,193 --> 00:20:19,729 Let's eat. Good. Right this way. 371 00:20:19,829 --> 00:20:20,663 Have a good trip? 372 00:20:20,763 --> 00:20:22,365 Wonderful. Truly wonderful. 373 00:20:44,253 --> 00:20:46,856 Mr. President, we were wondering if... 374 00:20:46,956 --> 00:20:49,125 If you and I, you know... 375 00:20:49,225 --> 00:20:51,894 If we couldn't sort of get together and... 376 00:20:51,994 --> 00:20:54,564 You know, mano y mano, and... 377 00:20:54,664 --> 00:20:56,566 And sort of work something out, 378 00:20:58,868 --> 00:21:01,838 sort of mix it up the way we used to in the good old days. 379 00:21:03,506 --> 00:21:05,442 I don't mean a real war. 380 00:21:05,542 --> 00:21:07,744 Just a little tension. 381 00:21:07,844 --> 00:21:11,548 Sort of help people forget about things. 382 00:21:13,916 --> 00:21:15,752 Mr. President. 383 00:21:15,852 --> 00:21:17,019 Please! 384 00:21:17,119 --> 00:21:19,021 Is this why you called us here? 385 00:21:19,121 --> 00:21:21,991 We already gave up. You've won. 386 00:21:22,091 --> 00:21:26,363 We are too busy trying to perfect universal indoor plumbing. 387 00:21:26,929 --> 00:21:28,365 That's right. 388 00:21:28,465 --> 00:21:31,434 Indoor plumbing. Maybe even a little... 389 00:21:32,168 --> 00:21:33,736 Central heating. 390 00:21:33,836 --> 00:21:36,873 A big Buick in every garage would be nice. 391 00:21:36,973 --> 00:21:40,377 A few cellular phones, compact discs, MTV... 392 00:21:40,477 --> 00:21:42,779 What is the name of that other channel? 393 00:21:42,879 --> 00:21:44,714 VH-1. Yes! VH-1! 394 00:21:45,982 --> 00:21:48,385 I'm so sorry, Mr. President. 395 00:21:48,418 --> 00:21:50,953 We can't go back to the old days. 396 00:21:51,053 --> 00:21:52,922 Please try and understand. 397 00:21:53,022 --> 00:21:53,956 Good day. 398 00:21:55,224 --> 00:21:56,426 It's a trick, Mr. President. 399 00:21:56,526 --> 00:21:57,627 Damn right. 400 00:21:57,727 --> 00:21:59,596 Can't we talk this over? 401 00:21:59,696 --> 00:22:01,398 What is there to talk over? 402 00:22:01,431 --> 00:22:02,965 You're in charge of the world now. 403 00:22:03,065 --> 00:22:04,401 Don't be a sore winner. 404 00:22:04,501 --> 00:22:07,303 I'm sure we could discuss this like civilized men. 405 00:22:07,404 --> 00:22:09,138 Civilized men? 406 00:22:09,238 --> 00:22:13,676 Is that what we've both been for the last 50 years? 407 00:22:13,776 --> 00:22:17,814 Just a holy goddamn minute, your comradeship! 408 00:22:17,914 --> 00:22:19,716 You don't go throwing your weight around 409 00:22:19,816 --> 00:22:21,851 for half a century, threatening the peaceful, 410 00:22:21,951 --> 00:22:25,321 freedom-loving western world, and decide one day 411 00:22:25,422 --> 00:22:27,724 you don't want to tug the rope no more. 412 00:22:27,824 --> 00:22:28,991 Do you? 413 00:22:29,091 --> 00:22:30,627 Mr. President, I'm so sorry for this. 414 00:22:30,727 --> 00:22:32,028 Sorry for this? 415 00:22:32,128 --> 00:22:35,131 You made us spend trillions on submarines and missiles, 416 00:22:35,231 --> 00:22:37,800 and what did all this rubbish get us? 417 00:22:37,900 --> 00:22:40,036 Bread lines and May Day parades! 418 00:22:41,303 --> 00:22:44,874 Don't chicken out on us now! 419 00:22:44,974 --> 00:22:47,544 We need you. I need you. 420 00:22:47,644 --> 00:22:49,646 You don't always get a second chance. 421 00:22:50,747 --> 00:22:51,781 Attaboy, Stu! 422 00:22:53,550 --> 00:22:54,617 You can't do that! 423 00:22:54,717 --> 00:22:55,752 Get off him! 424 00:22:55,852 --> 00:22:57,587 Get off him! 425 00:22:58,721 --> 00:22:59,856 I'm very sorry, Mr. President. 426 00:22:59,956 --> 00:23:01,057 I'm very... All right. 427 00:23:01,157 --> 00:23:03,092 Get over there. Get over there. 428 00:23:03,192 --> 00:23:05,528 Sorry. I'm really, truly sorry. 429 00:23:05,628 --> 00:23:08,465 Maybe we could meet again. How about Geneva? 430 00:23:08,531 --> 00:23:12,168 We could meet at Geneva, sort of neutral territory. 431 00:23:12,268 --> 00:23:14,170 Goodbye, Mr. President. 432 00:23:15,037 --> 00:23:16,105 And good luck. 433 00:23:20,810 --> 00:23:22,111 Any more bright ideas? 434 00:23:24,380 --> 00:23:26,583 What are we going to do for an enemy now? 435 00:23:27,550 --> 00:23:28,485 Dead. 436 00:23:31,253 --> 00:23:32,489 Dead. 437 00:23:34,524 --> 00:23:35,558 Dead. 438 00:23:37,794 --> 00:23:38,861 Dead. 439 00:23:38,961 --> 00:23:39,929 I miss anything? 440 00:23:40,029 --> 00:23:40,963 Nothing. 441 00:23:42,899 --> 00:23:44,501 Also dead. 442 00:23:44,567 --> 00:23:45,535 They're all dead. 443 00:23:45,635 --> 00:23:47,236 You working from an old list? 444 00:23:47,336 --> 00:23:49,639 They're what we're looking for. 445 00:23:50,540 --> 00:23:52,942 This guy, he's still alive. 446 00:23:53,042 --> 00:23:55,845 But he's down in Florida making license plates now. 447 00:23:58,548 --> 00:23:59,849 She's reformed. 448 00:23:59,949 --> 00:24:01,751 And looking good. 449 00:24:01,851 --> 00:24:03,520 You know, we were thinking, 450 00:24:03,620 --> 00:24:05,321 what could be a bigger threat 451 00:24:05,421 --> 00:24:07,590 than aliens invading from space? 452 00:24:07,690 --> 00:24:10,660 Whoo-boy! Scare the shit out of everyone. 453 00:24:10,760 --> 00:24:11,994 Even me, sir. 454 00:24:12,094 --> 00:24:14,697 Is this the best you could come up with? 455 00:24:14,797 --> 00:24:17,934 What about, you know, international terrorism? 456 00:24:18,034 --> 00:24:22,004 Sir, we're not going to reopen missile factories just to fight some creeps 457 00:24:22,104 --> 00:24:24,607 running around in exploding rental cars. 458 00:24:25,341 --> 00:24:26,543 Turn on the lights. 459 00:24:28,978 --> 00:24:31,380 I'm sorry. I'm appalled. 460 00:24:31,548 --> 00:24:35,084 I'm surprised you left those killer bees off the list. 461 00:24:35,184 --> 00:24:36,553 How about... 462 00:24:38,254 --> 00:24:39,722 How about Canada? 463 00:24:39,822 --> 00:24:43,860 ♪ O Canada 464 00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:48,565 ♪ Our home and native land 465 00:24:48,665 --> 00:24:52,401 ♪ True patriot love 466 00:24:52,569 --> 00:24:56,105 ♪ In all thy sons command...♪ 467 00:24:58,775 --> 00:25:00,109 That's what I hate about coming here. 468 00:25:00,209 --> 00:25:01,911 You got to listen to that song. 469 00:25:02,011 --> 00:25:05,582 Check out the flag. What is that, a weed on there? 470 00:25:05,615 --> 00:25:07,984 Give me a break! Nice flag. 471 00:25:08,084 --> 00:25:10,286 Let's go! 472 00:25:10,386 --> 00:25:11,988 Let's go! Drop the puck! 473 00:25:12,088 --> 00:25:13,389 Let's go! 474 00:25:13,489 --> 00:25:15,491 Come on! Face off! 475 00:25:15,592 --> 00:25:18,595 ♪ O Canada 476 00:25:18,695 --> 00:25:23,733 ♪ We stand on guard for thee 477 00:25:23,833 --> 00:25:25,501 Evening, ladies and gentlemen. 478 00:25:25,602 --> 00:25:27,003 Welcome to Hockey Night in Canada. 479 00:25:27,103 --> 00:25:29,806 Tonight the American team visits our Canadian champions, 480 00:25:29,906 --> 00:25:31,473 the Ontario Beavers. 481 00:25:31,608 --> 00:25:33,142 Please enjoy the game, and remember, 482 00:25:33,242 --> 00:25:35,978 no bad language and no littering. 483 00:25:36,078 --> 00:25:37,747 Here we go! 484 00:25:41,283 --> 00:25:43,620 Hey, Kabral, how come you never see 485 00:25:43,653 --> 00:25:45,688 any black guys playing hockey? 486 00:25:45,788 --> 00:25:50,627 Do you think it's easy to just gradually take over every professional sport? 487 00:25:51,794 --> 00:25:53,262 Let me tell you something, man, 488 00:25:53,362 --> 00:25:54,997 brothers are starting to figure out this ice thing. 489 00:25:56,633 --> 00:25:57,233 Hope you enjoyed it. 490 00:25:59,936 --> 00:26:02,538 These Canadians ain't got a care in the world. 491 00:26:02,639 --> 00:26:05,975 How about the way they cheat at the World Series? 492 00:26:06,075 --> 00:26:07,877 That's our game, people! 493 00:26:07,977 --> 00:26:09,311 That is true. 494 00:26:10,980 --> 00:26:13,015 And another thing. Their beer sucks. 495 00:26:36,105 --> 00:26:37,006 Ew! 496 00:26:38,574 --> 00:26:41,678 Boy! Look at that! 497 00:26:41,778 --> 00:26:42,945 That's footage never seen on TV. 498 00:26:45,381 --> 00:26:47,984 Yowsah! It's amazing. 499 00:26:49,551 --> 00:26:50,820 How did you know that was a nuclear facility? 500 00:26:50,920 --> 00:26:53,222 They tricked us there. That's a hospital. 501 00:26:54,757 --> 00:26:56,292 But it's a hell of a strike. 502 00:26:56,392 --> 00:26:59,028 We've got technology we've never been able to use. 503 00:26:59,128 --> 00:27:01,530 A riot between Americans and Canadians 504 00:27:01,698 --> 00:27:06,836 broke out last night at a hockey arena in Niagara Falls, Ontario. 505 00:27:06,936 --> 00:27:08,137 Police estimate at least 60 people, 506 00:27:08,237 --> 00:27:10,472 including an American sheriff, 507 00:27:10,572 --> 00:27:13,843 were detained overnight by Canadian authorities. 508 00:27:13,943 --> 00:27:15,712 I want to call the American Embassy. 509 00:27:15,812 --> 00:27:18,180 All I said was, "Canadian beer sucks." 510 00:27:20,416 --> 00:27:21,718 People! 511 00:27:21,751 --> 00:27:22,919 People! 512 00:27:24,921 --> 00:27:27,589 Can't we all just get along? 513 00:27:27,724 --> 00:27:29,726 Boy, these Canadians are violent. 514 00:27:37,767 --> 00:27:40,770 General, can I use your phone for a second? 515 00:27:40,870 --> 00:27:42,004 Sure. Go ahead. 516 00:27:46,042 --> 00:27:48,210 Yeah. Stu Smiley. Give me Central Intelligence. 517 00:27:50,112 --> 00:27:52,048 Yeah, Canada desk? 518 00:27:52,782 --> 00:27:53,783 Timmy. 519 00:27:53,883 --> 00:27:55,117 Hi, Stu. 520 00:27:55,217 --> 00:27:56,418 What's up, Bill? 521 00:27:56,518 --> 00:27:58,420 How you doing, Stu? 522 00:27:58,520 --> 00:27:59,922 Re-route the heroin through Cancun. 523 00:28:00,022 --> 00:28:01,157 Hold on a second. 524 00:28:01,257 --> 00:28:02,759 Yeah. Oliver Stone. 525 00:28:03,559 --> 00:28:05,928 There's Gus. 526 00:28:06,028 --> 00:28:09,131 What do you say, Stu? Long time no see? 527 00:28:09,231 --> 00:28:11,467 It's like The Plaza in here. 528 00:28:11,567 --> 00:28:15,004 They've got me in a temporary place here, that's all. 529 00:28:15,104 --> 00:28:18,474 I see you're still proud of telling Kennedy 530 00:28:18,574 --> 00:28:20,376 to send advisors to Vietnam. 531 00:28:20,476 --> 00:28:22,011 You're damn right. 532 00:28:22,111 --> 00:28:25,982 The whole Vietnam war was my idea. Not ashamed of it one bit. 533 00:28:26,082 --> 00:28:28,250 If they had followed my advice and gone nuclear... 534 00:28:28,350 --> 00:28:30,686 I'm sure history will vindicate you. 535 00:28:30,787 --> 00:28:33,790 Would've wiped out the Koreans, too. 536 00:28:33,823 --> 00:28:37,493 Then we wouldn't be driving behind them shitty little compacts with no pickup. 537 00:28:37,593 --> 00:28:39,896 Those cars are built in South Korea. They're our Koreans. 538 00:28:39,996 --> 00:28:41,998 Like I care! 539 00:28:42,098 --> 00:28:44,500 What have you got for me? Anything, something? 540 00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,803 You mean Canada. Yeah. 541 00:28:46,903 --> 00:28:51,073 We can't talk here. Let's go for a walk. 542 00:28:51,173 --> 00:28:53,810 There a secretary hidden somewhere to hold your calls for you? 543 00:28:55,677 --> 00:28:58,414 Remember the big New York blackout? 544 00:28:58,514 --> 00:29:01,617 Caused by a Canadian hydroelectric plant, Niagara Falls. 545 00:29:01,717 --> 00:29:05,321 The canucks claimed that it was a faulty transmitter. 546 00:29:07,323 --> 00:29:09,826 We had reason to suspect otherwise. 547 00:29:09,892 --> 00:29:11,527 Why? What do you mean? 548 00:29:11,627 --> 00:29:16,098 These Canadians suffer from a serious inferiority complex. 549 00:29:16,198 --> 00:29:17,166 That's why they built this. 550 00:29:17,266 --> 00:29:19,035 Canadian National Tower, 551 00:29:19,135 --> 00:29:21,737 world's tallest freestanding structure. 552 00:29:21,838 --> 00:29:24,373 Our scientists can't figure out its purpose. 553 00:29:24,473 --> 00:29:26,042 I'll bet theirs can't either. 554 00:29:26,142 --> 00:29:28,577 Jesus. 555 00:29:28,677 --> 00:29:33,749 Canadians are always dreaming up a lot of ways to ruin our lives. 556 00:29:33,850 --> 00:29:37,920 The metric system, for the love of God! 557 00:29:38,020 --> 00:29:38,921 Celsius! 558 00:29:39,021 --> 00:29:40,489 Neil Young? 559 00:29:40,589 --> 00:29:42,424 By God, you're right, Gus. 560 00:29:42,524 --> 00:29:44,093 Of course! It was crazy of us 561 00:29:44,193 --> 00:29:45,928 to have been so blind for so long. 562 00:29:46,028 --> 00:29:48,230 We thought, they're just Canadians. 563 00:29:48,330 --> 00:29:50,900 They're practically the 51st state. 564 00:29:51,000 --> 00:29:51,901 We admired them. 565 00:29:52,001 --> 00:29:54,536 Clean streets, no crime, no minorities. 566 00:29:54,636 --> 00:29:56,172 How'd they do that? 567 00:29:56,272 --> 00:29:57,940 No slavery. 568 00:29:58,040 --> 00:29:59,075 God, they're smart. 569 00:29:59,175 --> 00:30:02,511 Their entire government is run by socialists. 570 00:30:02,611 --> 00:30:04,346 But it's not the real pinko stuff. 571 00:30:04,446 --> 00:30:06,849 No! That's where you're wrong. 572 00:30:06,949 --> 00:30:08,617 They've always had these tendencies. 573 00:30:08,717 --> 00:30:10,887 "Capitalism must be destroyed in all forms." 574 00:30:10,987 --> 00:30:12,054 What's this? 575 00:30:12,154 --> 00:30:15,424 We haven't been paying attention. 576 00:30:15,524 --> 00:30:18,460 We think that, they're a little strange 577 00:30:18,560 --> 00:30:20,396 with the socialized medicine stuff. 578 00:30:20,496 --> 00:30:24,066 But do you know they provide free college to anyone? 579 00:30:24,166 --> 00:30:26,869 Free trains, free eyeglasses, 580 00:30:26,969 --> 00:30:28,337 free condoms? 581 00:30:28,437 --> 00:30:31,640 Jesus. Do your superiors know about this? 582 00:30:31,740 --> 00:30:34,510 Those gutless desk mammals. 583 00:30:34,610 --> 00:30:38,047 Ever since I told them we'd finish the Bay of Pigs by 10:00, 584 00:30:38,147 --> 00:30:40,216 they've treated me like dirt. 585 00:30:40,316 --> 00:30:41,550 You've done a great job here. 586 00:30:41,650 --> 00:30:44,353 I'll make sure the President knows of your fine work. 587 00:30:44,453 --> 00:30:45,888 Like I care! 588 00:30:47,456 --> 00:30:50,059 Canada? Did you say Canada? 589 00:30:51,627 --> 00:30:54,263 The American people, Mr. Smiley, 590 00:30:56,465 --> 00:30:58,968 would never, ever buy this. 591 00:30:59,068 --> 00:31:01,670 Mr. President, the American people 592 00:31:01,770 --> 00:31:03,973 will buy whatever we tell them to. 593 00:31:04,506 --> 00:31:05,942 You know that. 594 00:31:06,042 --> 00:31:09,811 Aren't you overlooking one major obstacle, 595 00:31:09,946 --> 00:31:14,183 like how to get the average American to hate and fear Canadians? 596 00:31:14,283 --> 00:31:15,952 Hell, they're whiter than we are. 597 00:31:15,985 --> 00:31:18,955 Gentlemen, ladies, allow me to clue you 598 00:31:19,021 --> 00:31:21,123 to a few rude awakenings. 599 00:31:21,223 --> 00:31:24,961 For those that think Canada is a mom-and-pop operation, 600 00:31:25,027 --> 00:31:27,663 it's time to wake up and smell the snow. 601 00:31:27,763 --> 00:31:32,068 Fact: Canada's now the second-largest country in the world. 602 00:31:32,168 --> 00:31:36,638 Fact: Canadians freely cross over our borders, walking among us... 603 00:31:36,738 --> 00:31:38,174 Undetected. 604 00:31:40,542 --> 00:31:43,379 How many of you knew that they eliminated the Miss Canada contest? 605 00:31:43,479 --> 00:31:45,982 You're on to something here. 606 00:31:46,015 --> 00:31:49,718 Remember the Air Force C-130 that crashed mysteriously 607 00:31:49,818 --> 00:31:51,287 a few years ago? 608 00:31:51,387 --> 00:31:53,522 And that just happened to occur 609 00:31:53,622 --> 00:31:55,057 over Canada, Mr. President. 610 00:31:56,425 --> 00:31:58,494 My God. That's shocking. 611 00:31:58,594 --> 00:32:00,896 When did they get rid of Miss Canada? 612 00:32:00,997 --> 00:32:02,298 A year ago. 613 00:32:02,398 --> 00:32:06,102 Suppose something like that caught on down here. 614 00:32:06,202 --> 00:32:09,005 One week, Mr. President. Give me one week, 615 00:32:09,071 --> 00:32:11,773 and I'll have Americans burning maple leaves so fast, 616 00:32:11,873 --> 00:32:15,011 they won't have time to think about their smog-filled lungs, 617 00:32:15,111 --> 00:32:18,647 rising interest rates, or their dwindling savings accounts. 618 00:32:24,853 --> 00:32:26,288 One week, sir. 619 00:32:36,865 --> 00:32:37,866 Good evening. 620 00:32:38,034 --> 00:32:40,469 Edwin S. Simon reporting. 621 00:32:40,569 --> 00:32:43,539 NBS News has obtained Pentagon documents 622 00:32:43,639 --> 00:32:46,042 that show our neighbor to the north, 623 00:32:46,108 --> 00:32:48,044 the sovereign nation of Canada, 624 00:32:48,077 --> 00:32:52,548 has embarked on a military program aimed at the United States. 625 00:32:52,648 --> 00:32:56,652 Canada, known for ages as a polite and clean country, 626 00:32:56,752 --> 00:32:58,954 has, under a socialist majority, 627 00:32:59,055 --> 00:33:01,457 undertaken a massive military buildup 628 00:33:01,557 --> 00:33:04,260 on its border with the United States. 629 00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:05,761 I don't like Canada. 630 00:33:05,861 --> 00:33:07,796 It's freezing cold. 631 00:33:07,896 --> 00:33:10,666 Canada owns more of the U.S.. than any other country. 632 00:33:11,733 --> 00:33:13,369 The Canadians. 633 00:33:13,469 --> 00:33:15,204 They walk among us. 634 00:33:15,304 --> 00:33:16,838 William Shatner. 635 00:33:16,938 --> 00:33:18,474 Michael J. Fox. 636 00:33:18,574 --> 00:33:20,076 Monty Hall. 637 00:33:20,109 --> 00:33:21,510 Mike Myers. 638 00:33:21,610 --> 00:33:23,412 Alex Trebek. 639 00:33:23,512 --> 00:33:25,314 All of them Canadians. 640 00:33:25,414 --> 00:33:27,083 All of them here. 641 00:33:30,786 --> 00:33:33,122 Is Canadian prime minister Clark MacDonald 642 00:33:33,222 --> 00:33:35,157 a member of a satanic cult? 643 00:33:35,257 --> 00:33:38,794 Most of Canada's vast military technology 644 00:33:38,894 --> 00:33:43,199 has been built and supplied by the United States. 645 00:33:43,299 --> 00:33:45,834 The Canadian National Tower in Toronto, 646 00:33:45,934 --> 00:33:48,470 erected to transmit nuclear attack warnings 647 00:33:48,570 --> 00:33:50,839 from radar stations in northern Canada, 648 00:33:50,939 --> 00:33:53,875 is now solely in Canadian hands. 649 00:33:53,975 --> 00:33:57,213 It is the height of six American football fields, 650 00:33:57,313 --> 00:33:59,948 or five Canadian football fields. 651 00:34:00,116 --> 00:34:02,684 As if Canadian football really counts. 652 00:34:02,784 --> 00:34:05,887 What would be the psychological motivation 653 00:34:05,987 --> 00:34:10,326 to erect a huge, long, rigid shaft? 654 00:34:10,426 --> 00:34:13,262 First, there is no Canadian culture. 655 00:34:13,362 --> 00:34:16,798 I've never read any Canadian literature. 656 00:34:16,898 --> 00:34:18,500 And when have you heard anyone say, 657 00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:21,970 "Honey, let's stay in and order some Canadian food?" 658 00:34:22,138 --> 00:34:25,441 Congress is also asking intelligence agencies 659 00:34:25,541 --> 00:34:28,910 to investigate why the Canadians maintain 660 00:34:29,010 --> 00:34:32,348 a threatening lead in Zamboni technology. 661 00:34:32,448 --> 00:34:37,586 Think of your children pledging allegiance to the maple leaf. 662 00:34:37,686 --> 00:34:40,222 Mayonnaise on everything. 663 00:34:40,322 --> 00:34:43,825 Winter, 11 months of the year. 664 00:34:44,693 --> 00:34:46,162 Anne Murray. 665 00:34:46,262 --> 00:34:47,663 All day. 666 00:34:47,763 --> 00:34:49,165 Every day. 667 00:34:52,634 --> 00:34:54,403 Holy shit. 668 00:34:56,372 --> 00:34:58,174 We're right on the border. 669 00:34:58,207 --> 00:34:59,508 We're the first line of defense. 670 00:35:00,809 --> 00:35:02,878 We have to get everyone organized. 671 00:35:02,978 --> 00:35:04,246 All right, people! 672 00:35:04,346 --> 00:35:07,183 Do not panic! I repeat, do not panic! 673 00:35:07,249 --> 00:35:08,717 I'm in complete control. 674 00:35:08,817 --> 00:35:11,653 Now, Honey, Kabral, Roy Boy, and myself, 675 00:35:11,753 --> 00:35:13,922 we'll guard the hydro plant. 676 00:35:14,022 --> 00:35:16,892 Snake, you guard Ed's gun shop. 677 00:35:16,992 --> 00:35:18,594 Dell, the bowling alley. 678 00:35:18,694 --> 00:35:23,665 The rest of you, guard this bar with your lives. 679 00:35:24,733 --> 00:35:26,202 Yeah. 680 00:35:26,235 --> 00:35:27,669 All right, people. 681 00:35:30,406 --> 00:35:32,073 Let's move out. 682 00:35:32,208 --> 00:35:35,611 ♪ Fighting soldiers from the sky ♪ 683 00:35:37,913 --> 00:35:39,648 ♪ Fearless men 684 00:35:39,748 --> 00:35:41,817 ♪ Who jump and die 685 00:35:42,851 --> 00:35:44,420 ♪ Men who mean 686 00:35:45,421 --> 00:35:47,323 ♪ Just what they say 687 00:35:48,590 --> 00:35:49,725 ♪ The brave men 688 00:35:51,126 --> 00:35:52,928 ♪ Of the green beret 689 00:35:54,430 --> 00:35:55,864 ♪ Silver wings 690 00:35:57,065 --> 00:35:58,667 ♪ Upon their chest 691 00:36:00,068 --> 00:36:01,537 ♪ These are men 692 00:36:02,538 --> 00:36:04,240 ♪ America's best 693 00:36:05,407 --> 00:36:06,908 ♪ 100 men 694 00:36:08,277 --> 00:36:09,845 ♪ Will test today 695 00:36:11,112 --> 00:36:12,714 ♪ But only three 696 00:36:14,015 --> 00:36:15,817 ♪ Win the green beret 697 00:36:16,852 --> 00:36:18,687 ♪ Put silver wings 698 00:36:19,788 --> 00:36:21,357 ♪ On my son's chest 699 00:36:22,958 --> 00:36:24,493 ♪ Make him one 700 00:36:25,594 --> 00:36:27,396 ♪ Of America's best 701 00:36:28,464 --> 00:36:29,731 ♪ He'll be a man 702 00:36:31,333 --> 00:36:33,269 ♪ They'll test one day 703 00:36:34,570 --> 00:36:36,272 ♪ Have him win 704 00:36:37,138 --> 00:36:38,740 ♪ The green beret ♪ 705 00:36:43,512 --> 00:36:44,946 Now, who would've thought? 706 00:36:45,046 --> 00:36:48,717 America against the scary Canadians. ♪ 707 00:36:50,719 --> 00:36:51,820 Boy, I'm good. 708 00:36:51,920 --> 00:36:53,889 I'm going to let you in on a little secret. ♪ 709 00:36:58,594 --> 00:36:59,928 Christ. ♪ 710 00:37:06,635 --> 00:37:08,904 The American public's attention span 711 00:37:09,004 --> 00:37:11,072 is about as long as your dick. ♪ 712 00:37:11,172 --> 00:37:14,209 You have got to give Americans something real, 713 00:37:14,310 --> 00:37:15,877 something they can get their teeth into, ♪ 714 00:37:15,977 --> 00:37:19,515 something that will make them cry, "Bloody murder!" 715 00:37:19,615 --> 00:37:23,752 Americans will not go to war, even a Cold War, ♪ 716 00:37:23,852 --> 00:37:28,324 unless they truly believe that their very lives are threatened. 717 00:37:30,058 --> 00:37:32,093 What do you have in mind? ♪ 718 00:37:32,193 --> 00:37:34,330 Back in the early 1960s,♪ 719 00:37:34,363 --> 00:37:36,798 my old buddy Lyndon Johnson says, 720 00:37:36,898 --> 00:37:39,835 "Boys, why don't we just bomb one of our own ships ♪ 721 00:37:39,935 --> 00:37:42,137 "and blame it on the North Vietnamese?" 722 00:37:42,237 --> 00:37:45,941 We did. We shelled a U.S. Navy ship 723 00:37:46,041 --> 00:37:47,476 in the Gulf of Tonkin. 724 00:37:47,576 --> 00:37:50,712 At least, that's what we told everybody. 725 00:37:50,812 --> 00:37:54,550 As far as I know, that damn boat was out in the middle of Lake Erie. 726 00:37:54,650 --> 00:37:55,817 But, 727 00:37:57,686 --> 00:38:01,723 24 hours later the U.S. Senate voted 98 to 2 728 00:38:02,724 --> 00:38:04,460 to send troops to Vietnam. 729 00:38:06,662 --> 00:38:07,829 That's an amazing story. 730 00:38:07,929 --> 00:38:11,667 That's the truth, and it can still work. 731 00:38:16,372 --> 00:38:18,106 Like maple syrup, 732 00:38:18,206 --> 00:38:22,644 Canada's evil oozes over the United States. 733 00:38:22,744 --> 00:38:25,981 How long will we remain silent to the screams? 734 00:38:26,948 --> 00:38:28,884 That is stunning. 735 00:38:30,386 --> 00:38:33,154 Everyone knows what it's like to get syrup on your fingers. 736 00:38:33,254 --> 00:38:35,457 This guy's ingenious. I mean... 737 00:38:35,557 --> 00:38:37,526 Mr. President, Canadian Prime Minister! 738 00:38:40,529 --> 00:38:41,597 Clark? 739 00:38:42,598 --> 00:38:44,400 How's Claire? 740 00:38:44,433 --> 00:38:46,902 You were just watching on NBS, really? 741 00:38:47,002 --> 00:38:48,470 I don't know what to think. 742 00:38:48,570 --> 00:38:52,240 Looks like you people are planning something nasty. 743 00:38:53,909 --> 00:38:57,579 What? If you feel that way about it, goodbye. 744 00:39:00,181 --> 00:39:02,418 I like this. 745 00:39:02,484 --> 00:39:05,487 I think now may be the time to turn up the heat. 746 00:39:05,587 --> 00:39:07,055 What do you mean? 747 00:39:07,155 --> 00:39:09,124 Well, what if... I'm just spitballing here. 748 00:39:09,224 --> 00:39:10,291 That's okay. Go ahead. 749 00:39:10,426 --> 00:39:13,161 A Canadian hit squad, i.e., trained professionals, 750 00:39:13,261 --> 00:39:14,863 who looked like Canadians, 751 00:39:14,963 --> 00:39:19,501 were photographed sabotaging an important installation inside the U.S. 752 00:39:19,601 --> 00:39:21,537 Let's go there with a strike force, 753 00:39:21,637 --> 00:39:23,071 knock out their infrastructure 754 00:39:23,171 --> 00:39:25,507 quicker than you can say, "Collateral damage." 755 00:39:25,607 --> 00:39:26,708 No. No. 756 00:39:26,808 --> 00:39:28,043 Why not? Yeah, why not? 757 00:39:28,143 --> 00:39:31,480 A war with Canada would be over in days. 758 00:39:31,580 --> 00:39:32,848 Remember Grenada? 759 00:39:32,948 --> 00:39:34,115 They didn't even wake Reagan up. 760 00:39:34,215 --> 00:39:35,451 Didn't have to. 761 00:39:35,517 --> 00:39:38,954 All we found were rich American med school rejects 762 00:39:39,054 --> 00:39:40,922 and a couple of Cuban construction workers. 763 00:39:41,022 --> 00:39:43,692 That's liberal bullshit. Cuba had a division in there. 764 00:39:43,792 --> 00:39:45,193 What about Panama? 765 00:39:45,293 --> 00:39:46,862 Right. Listen to this. 766 00:39:46,962 --> 00:39:50,365 A few days of blasting Def Leppard over loudspeakers, 767 00:39:50,466 --> 00:39:52,233 and Noriega ran out weeping. 768 00:39:52,468 --> 00:39:53,669 And Iraq? Ha! 769 00:39:53,769 --> 00:39:54,770 Ha. 770 00:39:54,870 --> 00:39:57,706 They were supposed to have this big, bad army. 771 00:39:57,806 --> 00:40:00,041 They had the biggest cannon, invented by a Canadian. 772 00:40:00,976 --> 00:40:02,644 72 hours after we invade, 773 00:40:02,744 --> 00:40:04,245 they're begging for a big Mac. 774 00:40:04,345 --> 00:40:06,381 They stopped us a hundred miles short of Baghdad. 775 00:40:06,482 --> 00:40:09,585 We just sat there waving our dicks at the desert. 776 00:40:10,819 --> 00:40:13,154 Mr. President, do you want more of that, 777 00:40:13,254 --> 00:40:15,924 or 50 years of Cold War prosperity 778 00:40:16,024 --> 00:40:18,860 because Joe Schmoe American is scared shitless 779 00:40:18,960 --> 00:40:21,763 the world's going to end before the next commercial? 780 00:40:25,000 --> 00:40:27,636 Well, I think I like Mr. Smiley's approach. 781 00:40:27,736 --> 00:40:30,171 No, no. I really like it. 782 00:40:30,271 --> 00:40:31,773 Here's what we're going to do. 783 00:40:31,873 --> 00:40:33,308 We'll get some Special Ops. 784 00:40:33,408 --> 00:40:35,276 We'll disguise them as Canadians 785 00:40:35,376 --> 00:40:37,579 and let them blow something up. 786 00:40:37,679 --> 00:40:39,314 But nothing valuable, okay? 787 00:40:39,414 --> 00:40:40,949 No casualties, all right? 788 00:40:41,049 --> 00:40:44,986 There will be no casualties, and Canada gets the blame. 789 00:40:59,735 --> 00:41:01,637 Come on. Step on the gas! 790 00:41:01,737 --> 00:41:03,404 Double time. Double time. 791 00:41:03,539 --> 00:41:07,576 We're just minutes away from blowing this hydro plant to kingdom come. 792 00:41:07,676 --> 00:41:09,545 Ha! I'm back! 793 00:41:27,563 --> 00:41:29,565 You got them down there? 794 00:41:34,435 --> 00:41:38,907 Wait till those SOBs back at Langley see this on the nightly news. 795 00:41:40,709 --> 00:41:42,611 Freeze! The both of you! 796 00:41:42,711 --> 00:41:45,313 Don't move. Don't anybody move. 797 00:41:45,413 --> 00:41:47,916 Honey, Canadians on the east wing. Bring the boys, quick! 798 00:41:48,016 --> 00:41:50,586 Who the hell are you? Who the hell are you? 799 00:41:52,220 --> 00:41:54,590 Get out! Go on! Look what we found! 800 00:41:54,623 --> 00:41:55,891 Get your hands up there. 801 00:41:55,991 --> 00:41:57,693 Come on! Hey, spread 'em! 802 00:41:57,793 --> 00:41:59,194 Come on. Spread 'em! Let's go! 803 00:41:59,294 --> 00:42:01,630 Under the articles of the Fifth Geneva Convention, 804 00:42:01,730 --> 00:42:03,732 and with the powers invested in me by... 805 00:42:03,832 --> 00:42:06,735 Would you please shut up? We're American! 806 00:42:06,835 --> 00:42:09,304 Who plays quarterback for the St. Louis Cardinals? 807 00:42:09,404 --> 00:42:10,839 I have no idea. 808 00:42:10,939 --> 00:42:12,974 There ain't no more St. Louis Cardinals! 809 00:42:13,074 --> 00:42:14,743 They moved to Phoenix! 810 00:42:14,843 --> 00:42:17,178 Wait. Give us another one. 811 00:42:17,278 --> 00:42:18,446 Sorry. Time's up! 812 00:42:18,614 --> 00:42:21,282 Cuff 'em! Frisk these canucks! 813 00:42:21,382 --> 00:42:26,021 Then call the CIA, the FBI, the DA, and the ASPCA, 814 00:42:26,121 --> 00:42:27,889 and call Channel 5. 815 00:42:27,989 --> 00:42:29,625 You're going to be on TV. 816 00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:34,429 The nation remains stunned today 817 00:42:34,529 --> 00:42:37,198 after the capture of secret Canadian agents 818 00:42:37,298 --> 00:42:40,702 who were attempting to blow up the hydroelectric plant 819 00:42:40,802 --> 00:42:42,337 in Niagara Falls, New York. 820 00:42:42,437 --> 00:42:44,139 The Canadians were apprehended 821 00:42:44,239 --> 00:42:47,008 by Niagara Sheriff, Bud B. Boomer. 822 00:42:47,108 --> 00:42:48,043 Move! Move! Move! 823 00:42:48,143 --> 00:42:49,210 Right. 824 00:42:49,310 --> 00:42:51,212 Our correspondent, Charles Jackal, 825 00:42:51,312 --> 00:42:53,048 who is rejoining us 826 00:42:53,148 --> 00:42:54,716 after a stint at the Betty Ford Clinic, 827 00:42:54,816 --> 00:42:56,785 kicks off our team coverage. 828 00:42:56,885 --> 00:42:59,688 Chuck, it's great to have you back. 829 00:43:00,555 --> 00:43:01,990 And it's great to be back. 830 00:43:03,759 --> 00:43:06,728 I want to apologize for the hurt I may have caused that night 831 00:43:06,828 --> 00:43:08,329 to so many of you, 832 00:43:08,429 --> 00:43:11,299 especially those who were standing too close to the curb. 833 00:43:13,501 --> 00:43:14,302 You know who you are. 834 00:43:15,804 --> 00:43:16,872 Forgive me. 835 00:43:19,107 --> 00:43:21,743 Ed, it's a startling revelation. 836 00:43:21,843 --> 00:43:23,211 Canada, getting ready to invade, 837 00:43:23,311 --> 00:43:25,446 has amassed 90% of its population 838 00:43:25,546 --> 00:43:27,783 along its border with the United States. 839 00:43:27,883 --> 00:43:30,485 The longest unprotected border in the world, 840 00:43:30,585 --> 00:43:33,354 stretching from the Atlantic Ocean 841 00:43:33,454 --> 00:43:34,723 to that other one. 842 00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:40,428 You'll be pleased to know, sir, 843 00:43:40,528 --> 00:43:42,330 that the Hacker Hellstorm 844 00:43:42,430 --> 00:43:45,834 was delivered to and installed in Toronto yesterday. 845 00:43:45,934 --> 00:43:47,836 Good work. Good work, boy. 846 00:43:48,937 --> 00:43:50,872 When I found you, 847 00:43:50,972 --> 00:43:52,841 I said to myself, 848 00:43:52,941 --> 00:43:56,011 "I can make something out of that sniveling little sneak." 849 00:43:56,111 --> 00:43:58,279 Yes, sir. 850 00:43:58,379 --> 00:44:02,117 Sir, what exactly is the Hacker Hellstorm? 851 00:44:03,719 --> 00:44:06,321 I'm just curious since I sold it and all. 852 00:44:07,756 --> 00:44:10,491 Well, that's fair enough, Stu. 853 00:44:10,591 --> 00:44:13,061 The Hacker Hellstorm is a devastating weapon, 854 00:44:14,429 --> 00:44:16,431 a destabilizing weapon, 855 00:44:16,531 --> 00:44:19,000 and it is capable 856 00:44:19,100 --> 00:44:22,771 of launching all the missiles in the United States 857 00:44:22,871 --> 00:44:24,539 at once. Really? 858 00:44:24,639 --> 00:44:27,743 But the Canadians will never, ever use it. 859 00:44:27,843 --> 00:44:29,210 How can you be so sure? 860 00:44:29,310 --> 00:44:32,147 Because I didn't give them the operating codes. 861 00:44:34,215 --> 00:44:35,316 Really? 862 00:44:35,416 --> 00:44:37,185 They think it gives them an edge 863 00:44:37,285 --> 00:44:39,755 on high-tech weather forecasting. 864 00:44:42,357 --> 00:44:46,795 So the Hellstorm is harmless, yes? 865 00:44:49,364 --> 00:44:50,398 Stuey. 866 00:44:55,603 --> 00:44:56,772 Honey! 867 00:45:05,346 --> 00:45:06,882 Honey! 868 00:45:10,351 --> 00:45:11,319 What the... 869 00:45:14,489 --> 00:45:15,857 Holy shit.♪ 870 00:45:18,026 --> 00:45:19,327 What the hell?♪ 871 00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:26,802 Honey? Shh! 872 00:45:29,137 --> 00:45:30,872 Kabral. 873 00:45:30,972 --> 00:45:33,308 What does this look like to you? 874 00:45:33,408 --> 00:45:37,412 Got me. I never saw a white one that size. 875 00:45:37,512 --> 00:45:38,413 It's the Canadian National Tower. 876 00:45:39,580 --> 00:45:41,249 Maybe I better carry the guns. 877 00:45:41,349 --> 00:45:43,318 Where we going? 878 00:45:43,418 --> 00:45:45,320 Boomer's got a special mission for us. 879 00:45:45,420 --> 00:45:47,823 Says Canadians are too clean for their own good. 880 00:45:47,923 --> 00:45:49,557 We're crossing over. To Canada? 881 00:45:49,657 --> 00:45:51,492 Yep. We're going in tonight 882 00:45:51,592 --> 00:45:53,995 to kick some Canadian butt. 883 00:45:55,030 --> 00:45:56,097 Can we go to the Tower? 884 00:45:56,197 --> 00:45:57,866 No. I don't think so. 885 00:46:04,372 --> 00:46:05,540 Cut the engine. It's making too much noise. 886 00:46:09,544 --> 00:46:10,879 What did you say? 887 00:46:10,979 --> 00:46:12,347 We have to be very quiet. 888 00:46:12,447 --> 00:46:14,449 We're all going to have to paddle. 889 00:46:14,549 --> 00:46:16,451 Get those oars in the water. 890 00:46:16,551 --> 00:46:17,752 Go on. Put your back into it. 891 00:46:17,853 --> 00:46:20,221 Nice and easy. There you go. 892 00:46:24,692 --> 00:46:26,561 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Canada. 893 00:46:34,769 --> 00:46:36,471 This'll drive them crazy! 894 00:46:40,075 --> 00:46:43,578 There is no more heinous crime than this in Canada. 895 00:46:43,678 --> 00:46:45,446 Are you sure we're in Canada? 896 00:46:45,546 --> 00:46:47,115 Do you smell anything? 897 00:46:47,215 --> 00:46:49,150 No. Exactly. Canada! 898 00:46:51,319 --> 00:46:54,689 Hey, those look like my socks. That isn't garbage! 899 00:46:54,789 --> 00:46:57,325 That's my laundry. Roy Boy, you idiot! 900 00:46:57,425 --> 00:46:58,994 Pick this up! 901 00:46:59,094 --> 00:47:01,162 You stupid jerk, what are you doing? 902 00:47:01,262 --> 00:47:02,563 My good stuff.♪ 903 00:47:02,663 --> 00:47:05,300 Hello, who goes there? 904 00:47:05,400 --> 00:47:06,567 Freeze! 905 00:47:06,667 --> 00:47:07,468 Johnny Canuck! 906 00:47:07,568 --> 00:47:10,371 Leave the park immediately 907 00:47:10,471 --> 00:47:11,472 and go back to where you came from. 908 00:47:11,572 --> 00:47:14,943 Scatter! Everybody back to the boat! 909 00:47:16,912 --> 00:47:20,448 Sir, you can't end your sentence with a preposition. 910 00:47:20,548 --> 00:47:21,416 Really? 911 00:47:26,287 --> 00:47:28,156 Well, what would you say? 912 00:47:28,256 --> 00:47:30,658 Well, I guess I'd say either, 913 00:47:30,758 --> 00:47:32,327 "Go back from where you came," 914 00:47:32,427 --> 00:47:34,429 or the preferred Queen's English, 915 00:47:34,529 --> 00:47:36,264 "Go back, thee, from whence thou came." 916 00:47:39,667 --> 00:47:40,801 Man, that was close. 917 00:47:40,936 --> 00:47:44,472 We were staring death right in its face! 918 00:47:47,542 --> 00:47:50,378 So... Where's Honey? 919 00:47:58,519 --> 00:48:00,121 Man, we forgot Honey! 920 00:48:01,756 --> 00:48:03,758 I left Honey behind! 921 00:48:03,858 --> 00:48:04,960 We left a man behind. 922 00:48:05,060 --> 00:48:07,828 Boomer left a man behind! 923 00:48:07,963 --> 00:48:10,098 The Marines never leave a man behind. 924 00:48:10,198 --> 00:48:11,967 Chuck Norris never left a man behind. 925 00:48:12,033 --> 00:48:14,502 Wesley Snipes never leaves a man behind! 926 00:48:14,602 --> 00:48:15,971 She's all alone behind enemy lines. 927 00:48:16,004 --> 00:48:17,005 I got to think! 928 00:48:17,805 --> 00:48:20,208 She's going to be fine. 929 00:48:20,308 --> 00:48:21,042 She's a survivor. She's strong! 930 00:48:27,348 --> 00:48:28,683 Hope she doesn't kill anybody. 931 00:48:34,255 --> 00:48:37,058 We interrupt our regularly-scheduled program 932 00:48:37,158 --> 00:48:40,161 and go live to the President of the United States. 933 00:48:41,729 --> 00:48:45,200 We have just learned that the Canadian government 934 00:48:45,300 --> 00:48:48,836 is holding an American citizen hostage. 935 00:48:49,004 --> 00:48:53,074 I have communicated with the Canadian Prime Minister 936 00:48:53,174 --> 00:48:57,212 our demand that this hostage, this woman, 937 00:48:57,312 --> 00:49:02,617 hostage Honey, must be released now! 938 00:49:02,717 --> 00:49:04,419 My God. Honey! 939 00:49:04,519 --> 00:49:05,886 To facilitate this, 940 00:49:06,021 --> 00:49:10,691 I've ordered our armed forces on alert, 941 00:49:10,791 --> 00:49:14,029 and I've ordered them to prepare to engage 942 00:49:14,129 --> 00:49:16,731 in Operation Canadian Bacon. 943 00:49:18,266 --> 00:49:22,103 And I want to say to Prime Minister MacDonald, 944 00:49:22,203 --> 00:49:26,707 "Surrender her pronto, or we'll level Toronto." 945 00:49:28,876 --> 00:49:31,312 God bless America. 946 00:49:31,412 --> 00:49:32,947 God bless America. 947 00:49:33,048 --> 00:49:34,282 God bless you, Mr. President. 948 00:49:37,552 --> 00:49:38,619 Honey. 949 00:49:38,719 --> 00:49:41,556 ♪ And, honey, I miss you 950 00:49:43,891 --> 00:49:47,295 ♪ And I'm being good 951 00:49:49,797 --> 00:49:52,400 ♪ And I'd love to be with you ♪ 952 00:49:55,103 --> 00:49:57,572 ♪ If only I could 953 00:49:57,672 --> 00:50:03,444 This just got in. We have received amateur videotape of hostage Honey. 954 00:50:03,544 --> 00:50:04,812 Roy Boy, Kabral, quick! 955 00:50:04,912 --> 00:50:06,247 Honey! 956 00:50:06,347 --> 00:50:07,615 Boomer! 957 00:50:07,715 --> 00:50:10,085 Traitor! You Benedict Arnold! 958 00:50:10,185 --> 00:50:12,620 You took off and left me here... 959 00:50:12,720 --> 00:50:14,055 She's pissed. 960 00:50:15,123 --> 00:50:17,925 You think? 961 00:50:18,025 --> 00:50:19,594 I'll rip out every bone in your body! She's mad at you, Boomer. 962 00:50:19,694 --> 00:50:21,629 Boomer, you hear me? 963 00:50:21,729 --> 00:50:25,733 She is being held at Mountie Headquarters in Niagara Falls, Canada. 964 00:50:25,833 --> 00:50:28,769 Sources in the intelligence community 965 00:50:28,869 --> 00:50:34,675 speculate that Canada may be preparing to terminate her, 966 00:50:34,775 --> 00:50:38,513 which would certainly be in keeping with what we know about the Canadians. 967 00:50:38,613 --> 00:50:39,847 Terminate? 968 00:50:39,947 --> 00:50:42,350 This is no less than an act of war. 969 00:50:42,450 --> 00:50:46,654 There's a time to think and a time to act, 970 00:50:46,754 --> 00:50:50,458 and this, gentlemen, is no time to think. 971 00:50:51,926 --> 00:50:54,429 We'll have one more round, and then we'll go. 972 00:50:54,529 --> 00:50:55,796 Chester! 973 00:50:55,896 --> 00:50:57,132 Another round. 974 00:50:57,198 --> 00:50:59,667 Same thing. 975 00:50:59,767 --> 00:51:00,801 Gives Honey a chance to cool off a little bit. 976 00:51:00,901 --> 00:51:02,337 Yeah, we know. 977 00:51:02,803 --> 00:51:03,704 Yeah. 978 00:51:31,666 --> 00:51:33,668 Come on. Out of the way. 979 00:51:33,768 --> 00:51:35,470 There's not a locked door in the whole country. 980 00:51:35,570 --> 00:51:36,504 Let's go! 981 00:52:00,761 --> 00:52:03,264 I don't want to have to drop first blood, but I will if I have to! 982 00:52:03,364 --> 00:52:05,200 I mean it, I'll hurt you. 983 00:52:05,266 --> 00:52:08,102 Everybody down on the ground, and no one will be hurt! 984 00:52:08,203 --> 00:52:12,240 The elk, the beaver, and the moose are man's best friends. 985 00:52:13,674 --> 00:52:15,210 All right, Pops, 986 00:52:15,876 --> 00:52:17,678 who's in charge? 987 00:52:17,778 --> 00:52:20,448 Just the two of us, just Ruthie and me. 988 00:52:20,548 --> 00:52:22,517 No other personnel in the whole building? 989 00:52:22,617 --> 00:52:24,585 No. We're the night shift. 990 00:52:24,685 --> 00:52:26,521 Excuse me, ma'am, 991 00:52:26,621 --> 00:52:28,756 there's not another control room? 992 00:52:28,856 --> 00:52:30,225 No, dear, this is it. 993 00:52:30,891 --> 00:52:31,992 Thank you. 994 00:52:32,092 --> 00:52:35,230 Boomer, maybe we better just go? 995 00:52:35,263 --> 00:52:36,664 Stand your ground, soldier! 996 00:52:36,764 --> 00:52:38,233 Brother. 997 00:52:38,333 --> 00:52:40,668 Now, let me get this straight. 998 00:52:40,768 --> 00:52:44,239 You're telling me that you two are responsible 999 00:52:44,339 --> 00:52:47,808 for supplying all the electricity to your entire nation? 1000 00:52:47,908 --> 00:52:49,544 That's about the size of it. 1001 00:52:49,644 --> 00:52:52,046 Dad. 1002 00:52:52,146 --> 00:52:53,848 Does he ever like to brag. 1003 00:52:55,783 --> 00:52:57,285 Put those needles down, 1004 00:52:57,385 --> 00:52:59,254 nice and easy, where I can see them. 1005 00:52:59,687 --> 00:53:00,988 Spread out! 1006 00:53:01,088 --> 00:53:03,724 Find the power source for the Mountie Headquarters. 1007 00:53:09,597 --> 00:53:12,800 I'm going to ask you one more time. 1008 00:53:12,900 --> 00:53:14,969 Where is the power switch 1009 00:53:15,069 --> 00:53:17,905 to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Headquarters? 1010 00:53:18,005 --> 00:53:20,675 You're going to tell me sooner or later. 1011 00:53:20,775 --> 00:53:23,110 Now, we can do it my way, 1012 00:53:23,278 --> 00:53:25,079 which is very nice right now, 1013 00:53:25,179 --> 00:53:27,282 or we can do it their way, 1014 00:53:27,382 --> 00:53:29,284 which you're not going to like. 1015 00:53:45,165 --> 00:53:49,637 You Canadians are so sneaky. 1016 00:53:49,737 --> 00:53:53,374 Don't touch that. You'll black out most of Canada! 1017 00:53:54,809 --> 00:53:56,076 Yeah, right. 1018 00:53:56,176 --> 00:53:58,413 What do we look like, jerks? 1019 00:53:58,513 --> 00:53:59,447 Please! 1020 00:54:00,448 --> 00:54:01,682 You screwed up now. 1021 00:54:01,782 --> 00:54:03,318 I'll be the judge of that! 1022 00:54:10,090 --> 00:54:12,226 All right. Let's move out. 1023 00:54:12,327 --> 00:54:15,162 And you, don't tell anybody we was here. 1024 00:54:15,363 --> 00:54:16,364 Come on! 1025 00:54:19,700 --> 00:54:22,337 You know, I could get to like this. 1026 00:54:22,437 --> 00:54:23,371 Really? 1027 00:54:28,042 --> 00:54:29,977 On these screens here, Mr. President. 1028 00:54:31,078 --> 00:54:32,347 What is this? What's happening? 1029 00:54:32,447 --> 00:54:34,482 All of Canada is going dark, sir. 1030 00:54:34,582 --> 00:54:36,484 What do you make of this? 1031 00:54:36,584 --> 00:54:38,886 I'll tell you, but you'll dislike it. 1032 00:54:38,986 --> 00:54:40,555 Mr. President, Prime Minister MacDonald, 1033 00:54:40,655 --> 00:54:41,756 calling from Ottawa. 1034 00:54:41,856 --> 00:54:42,823 Yes... 1035 00:54:44,825 --> 00:54:46,361 Clark, hi. 1036 00:54:48,128 --> 00:54:50,598 Now, why would we want to cut off your power? 1037 00:54:52,066 --> 00:54:53,601 No. What... Calm down. 1038 00:54:54,435 --> 00:54:56,236 Calm... 1039 00:54:56,371 --> 00:54:59,940 No. If we were up to something, we would have mined your harbors. 1040 00:55:00,040 --> 00:55:01,075 Damn right. 1041 00:55:02,009 --> 00:55:03,644 What? Who? 1042 00:55:06,447 --> 00:55:08,015 Yeah, I see. Yeah. 1043 00:55:08,115 --> 00:55:11,018 We'll check this out, and we'll get back to you. 1044 00:55:11,118 --> 00:55:12,219 Goodbye! 1045 00:55:12,387 --> 00:55:14,154 You're not going to believe this. 1046 00:55:14,254 --> 00:55:17,425 That same goddamned sheriff from Niagara Falls, 1047 00:55:17,525 --> 00:55:19,460 that hero... 1048 00:55:20,027 --> 00:55:21,996 Bud Boomer. 1049 00:55:22,096 --> 00:55:24,131 He's the one responsible for the blackout. 1050 00:55:24,231 --> 00:55:26,401 Boomer? Sir. That's bullshit! 1051 00:55:26,434 --> 00:55:28,803 This is a Canadian trick. 1052 00:55:28,903 --> 00:55:31,939 Blame us, get world sympathy, and make it impossible 1053 00:55:32,039 --> 00:55:34,409 for our night-attack bombers to locate their cities 1054 00:55:34,509 --> 00:55:36,110 and destroy their inhabitants. 1055 00:55:36,210 --> 00:55:38,846 God, sir, that's the oldest trick in the book! 1056 00:55:50,290 --> 00:55:53,661 "Thank you for sleeping so quietly. 1057 00:55:55,430 --> 00:55:56,764 "I love you. 1058 00:55:59,534 --> 00:56:01,436 "Even though you're a criminal. 1059 00:56:05,873 --> 00:56:08,776 "Thank you for keeping your cell clean. 1060 00:56:10,678 --> 00:56:12,112 "I 1061 00:56:12,212 --> 00:56:13,548 "miss you." 1062 00:56:17,852 --> 00:56:19,086 Welcome to Canada. 1063 00:56:19,186 --> 00:56:21,456 Hold it right there, canuck. 1064 00:56:22,322 --> 00:56:23,458 Who are you? 1065 00:56:24,759 --> 00:56:26,861 I'm your worst nightmare. 1066 00:56:26,961 --> 00:56:29,830 I'm a citizen with a constitutional right to bear arms. 1067 00:56:31,699 --> 00:56:33,668 Take the pelts. Take whatever you want. 1068 00:56:33,768 --> 00:56:36,336 We don't want your stinking pelts. 1069 00:56:36,471 --> 00:56:38,839 Have some fudge. Just leave me alone. 1070 00:56:38,939 --> 00:56:40,541 Didn't you hear him? 1071 00:56:40,641 --> 00:56:41,942 We're your worst nightmare. 1072 00:56:43,811 --> 00:56:48,516 My worst nightmare involved a pack of rabid wolves. 1073 00:56:48,616 --> 00:56:51,051 I was stuck somewhere in the Yukon, 1074 00:56:51,151 --> 00:56:53,788 and there were tall, skinny rabbits, 1075 00:56:53,888 --> 00:56:55,690 and they were drinking heavily. 1076 00:56:56,924 --> 00:56:58,693 Just shut up! 1077 00:56:58,793 --> 00:57:01,228 We want your prisoner. Where is she? 1078 00:57:01,328 --> 00:57:03,163 I don't know what you're talking aboot. 1079 00:57:04,098 --> 00:57:06,066 "Aboot?" It's "about!" 1080 00:57:06,166 --> 00:57:07,768 What we're talking about! 1081 00:57:07,868 --> 00:57:09,570 And enough of that "" business. 1082 00:57:09,670 --> 00:57:12,072 Learn to talk right, understand? 1083 00:57:12,172 --> 00:57:14,742 We got ways of making you pronounce the letter "o." 1084 00:57:14,842 --> 00:57:16,644 I want my Honey! 1085 00:57:16,744 --> 00:57:18,345 Now, get the keys for the cells now. 1086 00:57:18,546 --> 00:57:19,547 Now! 1087 00:57:20,014 --> 00:57:21,015 Easy. 1088 00:57:21,115 --> 00:57:22,917 Easy. 1089 00:57:23,017 --> 00:57:24,151 Okay, Mr. Canuck. 1090 00:57:25,252 --> 00:57:27,154 Mr. Two-time World Series winner. 1091 00:57:27,254 --> 00:57:28,856 Hey, watch that fancy move! 1092 00:57:30,725 --> 00:57:33,528 See? This is all the prisoners we have. 1093 00:57:33,594 --> 00:57:38,766 This man was arrested for putting regular gas into an unleaded tank. 1094 00:57:38,866 --> 00:57:40,668 Where do you think you're going? 1095 00:57:40,768 --> 00:57:43,270 I'm going over to show you the next guy. 1096 00:57:43,370 --> 00:57:45,640 Easy. One step at a time. 1097 00:57:45,740 --> 00:57:49,877 This man was arrested for being in too many bad moods. 1098 00:57:52,947 --> 00:57:56,617 I got you covered. I got you covered. I got you covered, buddy. 1099 00:57:56,717 --> 00:58:00,287 This man raided a company, merged it with his conglomerate, 1100 00:58:00,387 --> 00:58:02,322 and then fired all the employees. 1101 00:58:02,422 --> 00:58:03,858 Get away from the bars, you scum! 1102 00:58:03,958 --> 00:58:05,025 Boomer! 1103 00:58:05,125 --> 00:58:06,260 Hold on, Jack. 1104 00:58:08,262 --> 00:58:10,698 Now, you tell us where Honey is. 1105 00:58:10,798 --> 00:58:12,667 Let me paint a picture for you, buddy. 1106 00:58:12,767 --> 00:58:15,102 She's petite, extremely beautiful, 1107 00:58:15,936 --> 00:58:18,238 and heavily armed. 1108 00:58:18,338 --> 00:58:20,407 Wait. You mean the litterbug. 1109 00:58:20,575 --> 00:58:22,042 They took her to the capital 1110 00:58:22,142 --> 00:58:25,412 to give her a free mental health examination. 1111 00:58:25,580 --> 00:58:27,982 Good. The capital, Toronto. 1112 00:58:28,082 --> 00:58:31,719 No. The capital of Canada is Ottawa. 1113 00:58:34,755 --> 00:58:35,856 Yeah, right. 1114 00:58:37,124 --> 00:58:38,593 Do we look that stupid? 1115 00:58:43,097 --> 00:58:44,031 Ottawa! 1116 00:58:45,432 --> 00:58:47,067 Nice try, Dudley. 1117 00:58:47,167 --> 00:58:49,870 All right, boys! We're going to Toronto. 1118 00:58:51,739 --> 00:58:52,807 The capital. 1119 00:59:00,848 --> 00:59:02,282 Do you want some water? 1120 00:59:05,419 --> 00:59:06,320 Too bad. 1121 00:59:07,655 --> 00:59:08,789 Gentlemen. 1122 00:59:11,125 --> 00:59:13,628 Let's take the truck. 1123 00:59:16,764 --> 00:59:17,698 Let's go! 1124 00:59:20,367 --> 00:59:21,836 Hey, Boomer? 1125 00:59:23,203 --> 00:59:24,972 Yeah? What's wrong? 1126 00:59:25,072 --> 00:59:26,641 I got an idea. 1127 00:59:27,708 --> 00:59:28,776 Yeah. 1128 00:59:29,409 --> 00:59:31,111 Yeah. 1129 00:59:31,211 --> 00:59:34,248 Mr. President, I think we should look on the positive side. 1130 00:59:34,348 --> 00:59:37,785 What we have is a brave but misguided group of Americans 1131 00:59:37,885 --> 00:59:41,155 who've gone into Canada and kicked some serious Canadian butt. 1132 00:59:41,255 --> 00:59:42,489 Well, we've got to do something. 1133 00:59:42,657 --> 00:59:46,861 We could send in the Omega Force. 1134 00:59:51,866 --> 00:59:53,167 Isn't that a bit drastic? 1135 00:59:55,502 --> 01:00:00,340 Sir, the Helms Amendment and NSC Order 725 1136 01:00:00,440 --> 01:00:04,211 both specifically prohibit the use of Omega Force against Caucasians. 1137 01:00:04,311 --> 01:00:06,046 That's right. 1138 01:00:06,146 --> 01:00:09,183 I guess if I were the President's male secretary, 1139 01:00:09,283 --> 01:00:13,087 I might read the Helms Amendment that way. 1140 01:00:13,187 --> 01:00:15,255 What choice do we have, sir? 1141 01:00:15,355 --> 01:00:18,225 We have to take this sheriff out immediately 1142 01:00:18,325 --> 01:00:20,560 before this turns into a shooting war 1143 01:00:20,661 --> 01:00:23,698 instead of the Cold War that we wanted. 1144 01:00:24,765 --> 01:00:26,801 Mr. President. Hey! Hey! 1145 01:00:26,901 --> 01:00:29,670 Sheriff Boomer has become a national idol 1146 01:00:29,770 --> 01:00:33,040 at a time when our people lack true heroes, 1147 01:00:33,140 --> 01:00:34,775 yourself excluded, sir. 1148 01:00:34,875 --> 01:00:37,111 It would seem wise not to lose him. 1149 01:00:37,211 --> 01:00:39,179 General, the President should see this, sir. 1150 01:00:40,748 --> 01:00:43,784 Enraged by the imprisonment of hostage Honey, 1151 01:00:43,884 --> 01:00:46,653 and inspired by their hero Bud Boomer, 1152 01:00:46,754 --> 01:00:48,588 U.S. citizens from coast to coast 1153 01:00:48,689 --> 01:00:51,558 are taking actions against Americans of Canadian birth 1154 01:00:51,658 --> 01:00:54,862 and suspected Canadian sympathizers. 1155 01:00:54,962 --> 01:00:56,897 Some Americans in other border towns 1156 01:00:56,997 --> 01:00:59,800 have followed Sheriff Boomer into Canada 1157 01:00:59,900 --> 01:01:02,269 with the hope of liberating that country. 1158 01:01:04,038 --> 01:01:06,974 Everything I see or read about these Canadians 1159 01:01:07,074 --> 01:01:09,176 just makes me want to puke! 1160 01:01:09,276 --> 01:01:10,410 U.S.A. U.S.A. 1161 01:01:10,510 --> 01:01:13,313 It's time we put America back in North America. 1162 01:01:13,413 --> 01:01:16,050 God bless Bud Boomer! 1163 01:01:16,150 --> 01:01:18,018 U.S.A. U.S.A. 1164 01:01:18,118 --> 01:01:19,854 Christ. 1165 01:01:19,954 --> 01:01:23,357 Mr. President, I believe we have no choice 1166 01:01:23,457 --> 01:01:26,761 but to remove Bud Boomer judiciously. 1167 01:01:30,564 --> 01:01:31,766 Now. 1168 01:01:35,102 --> 01:01:36,904 Well, it's an idea. 1169 01:01:40,640 --> 01:01:42,242 Send in Omega Force! 1170 01:02:05,866 --> 01:02:09,269 ♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away... ♪ 1171 01:02:14,809 --> 01:02:15,943 Go fish. 1172 01:02:25,052 --> 01:02:26,286 Welcome to Canada. 1173 01:02:27,054 --> 01:02:28,322 Who are you? 1174 01:02:31,091 --> 01:02:32,993 That was totally unnecessary. 1175 01:02:36,730 --> 01:02:38,032 Where is Boomer? 1176 01:02:39,333 --> 01:02:41,368 I had an amazing hand. 1177 01:02:41,468 --> 01:02:42,302 Where is he? 1178 01:02:45,372 --> 01:02:46,340 Toronto. 1179 01:02:54,248 --> 01:02:57,417 We're coming, Honey. We're coming. 1180 01:02:57,517 --> 01:02:59,854 Hey, Boomer, how come you never let me drive, man? 1181 01:03:02,890 --> 01:03:04,658 Just don't start with me, all right? 1182 01:03:04,758 --> 01:03:07,027 The black cat never gets to drive. 1183 01:03:07,127 --> 01:03:08,495 It's not because you're black. 1184 01:03:08,595 --> 01:03:10,530 Lots of black guys drive all the time. 1185 01:03:10,630 --> 01:03:12,499 For example. 1186 01:03:12,599 --> 01:03:13,868 What's his name? Danny Glover 1187 01:03:13,901 --> 01:03:15,936 in Driving Miss... What's her name? 1188 01:03:16,036 --> 01:03:18,105 Danny Glover didn't drive Miss Daisy. 1189 01:03:18,205 --> 01:03:20,407 He drove Mel Gibson. 1190 01:03:20,507 --> 01:03:21,909 He didn't drive Mel Gibson. 1191 01:03:22,009 --> 01:03:23,878 That's Eddie Murphy drives Mel Gibson. 1192 01:03:23,978 --> 01:03:25,612 Eddie Murphy drives Nick Nolte. 1193 01:03:25,712 --> 01:03:26,881 He does not. 1194 01:03:26,981 --> 01:03:30,084 Hey, guys, I drove once. 1195 01:03:32,319 --> 01:03:33,353 Jeez. 1196 01:03:33,453 --> 01:03:34,554 Jeez. 1197 01:03:34,654 --> 01:03:35,923 Jeez. 1198 01:03:36,991 --> 01:03:38,926 Maybe it's not us. 1199 01:03:39,026 --> 01:03:40,494 It's not us. 1200 01:03:40,594 --> 01:03:42,396 Pull over! Pull over! 1201 01:03:42,496 --> 01:03:45,099 It's us. He wants us. All right. 1202 01:03:45,900 --> 01:03:46,967 We're pulling over. 1203 01:03:52,106 --> 01:03:56,143 All right, fellas. Just act normal, all right? Act normal. 1204 01:03:57,912 --> 01:04:00,247 Not normal for us. Normal for regular people. 1205 01:04:06,086 --> 01:04:07,121 Good day. 1206 01:04:07,221 --> 01:04:08,322 Hi. 1207 01:04:08,422 --> 01:04:10,490 May I see your license and registration, please? 1208 01:04:12,092 --> 01:04:13,127 There you go. 1209 01:04:13,227 --> 01:04:14,261 Thank you. 1210 01:04:14,995 --> 01:04:16,296 Americans! 1211 01:04:16,396 --> 01:04:18,598 Welcome to Ontario, a sportsman's paradise. 1212 01:04:18,698 --> 01:04:20,334 Isn't it, though? 1213 01:04:20,434 --> 01:04:23,337 Please get out and step away from the vehicle. 1214 01:04:33,313 --> 01:04:34,949 Okay. 1215 01:04:34,982 --> 01:04:36,583 What is wrong with this picture? 1216 01:04:39,719 --> 01:04:41,956 No snow tires. No. 1217 01:04:42,056 --> 01:04:44,959 I was driving on the wrong side of the road. 1218 01:04:44,992 --> 01:04:47,427 I can explain that. I am not used to your rules up here. 1219 01:04:47,527 --> 01:04:49,663 That's not it. 1220 01:04:49,763 --> 01:04:52,499 This writing on the side of your vehicle. 1221 01:04:52,599 --> 01:04:55,069 How did that get there? 1222 01:04:55,169 --> 01:04:57,471 Those kids at the garage, I just... 1223 01:04:57,571 --> 01:04:59,339 Whatever. 1224 01:04:59,439 --> 01:05:02,376 My concern is the sensibilities of a certain distinct 1225 01:05:02,476 --> 01:05:04,979 and viable part of Canadian society. 1226 01:05:05,079 --> 01:05:06,213 Les Quebecois. 1227 01:05:07,447 --> 01:05:09,516 You know, wine drinkers. 1228 01:05:09,616 --> 01:05:11,986 Pea-soup eaters. French Canadians. 1229 01:05:12,052 --> 01:05:14,221 Yeah. Those guys. Sure. 1230 01:05:14,321 --> 01:05:15,689 If you wish to avoid prosecution, 1231 01:05:15,789 --> 01:05:19,059 I'd advise that you comply with our language laws, 1232 01:05:19,159 --> 01:05:21,695 which specifically prescribe 1233 01:05:21,795 --> 01:05:25,865 that all signs be in both English and French, 1234 01:05:26,000 --> 01:05:29,603 Canada's two official languages. Okay. 1235 01:05:29,703 --> 01:05:31,005 I do have to fine you. 1236 01:05:31,071 --> 01:05:35,109 That'll be $1,000 Canadian or $10 American if you'd prefer. 1237 01:05:35,209 --> 01:05:39,013 No. I'll pay the American there. Yeah. 1238 01:05:39,079 --> 01:05:40,214 There you go, buddy. 1239 01:05:40,914 --> 01:05:42,116 Here you are, $10. 1240 01:05:42,216 --> 01:05:43,750 Thank you very much. There's your receipt. 1241 01:05:43,850 --> 01:05:45,052 Thank you. 1242 01:05:45,152 --> 01:05:46,286 And now... 1243 01:05:49,623 --> 01:05:51,425 In French, if you please. 1244 01:06:09,876 --> 01:06:14,248 Dr. Wall, Dr. Wall, please pick up line five. 1245 01:06:17,351 --> 01:06:22,356 All doctors participating in today's house calls, please report to the lobby. 1246 01:06:24,424 --> 01:06:25,559 "Get well soon 1247 01:06:25,659 --> 01:06:27,794 "from Prime Minister Clark MacDonald." 1248 01:06:27,894 --> 01:06:30,164 Anyone in need of a free triple bypass, 1249 01:06:30,264 --> 01:06:32,366 please sign the bonus slip in your room. 1250 01:06:32,466 --> 01:06:35,202 "Get well, get well, feel good." 1251 01:06:35,302 --> 01:06:36,270 This is... 1252 01:06:39,173 --> 01:06:41,875 "Best wishes, Gordon Lightfoot." 1253 01:06:42,076 --> 01:06:43,110 Ew! 1254 01:06:44,678 --> 01:06:45,679 Ottawa! 1255 01:06:45,779 --> 01:06:46,646 Go, Fifi! 1256 01:06:49,149 --> 01:06:50,817 So, we're up and around, are we? 1257 01:06:50,917 --> 01:06:54,088 And how are we feeling today? 1258 01:06:54,121 --> 01:06:56,423 Aren't you two a little young to be doctors? 1259 01:06:56,523 --> 01:06:59,093 We're not doctors. We're candy stripers. 1260 01:06:59,193 --> 01:07:00,794 Our universal health care system 1261 01:07:00,894 --> 01:07:03,330 has determined that you don't actually need a doctor until... 1262 01:07:03,430 --> 01:07:05,299 2006. 1263 01:07:05,399 --> 01:07:06,866 Until then, we're here to see 1264 01:07:06,966 --> 01:07:09,136 that you're comfortable and to give you... 1265 01:07:10,003 --> 01:07:12,139 A kidney transplant. 1266 01:07:12,239 --> 01:07:14,541 No, that can't be right. 1267 01:07:14,641 --> 01:07:15,675 Check the paperwork. 1268 01:07:19,146 --> 01:07:20,447 Douglas! 1269 01:07:20,547 --> 01:07:21,515 ♪ Born 1270 01:07:21,615 --> 01:07:23,117 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. 1271 01:07:23,150 --> 01:07:24,151 ♪ I was 1272 01:07:24,251 --> 01:07:27,254 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. 1273 01:07:27,354 --> 01:07:28,288 ♪ I was 1274 01:07:28,388 --> 01:07:30,690 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. 1275 01:07:30,790 --> 01:07:31,858 ♪ I was 1276 01:07:31,958 --> 01:07:33,827 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. 1277 01:07:33,927 --> 01:07:35,028 ♪ I was 1278 01:07:35,129 --> 01:07:37,797 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. 1279 01:07:39,333 --> 01:07:42,636 ♪ Born in the U.S.A. 1280 01:07:42,736 --> 01:07:44,738 ♪ Dah, dah 1281 01:07:44,838 --> 01:07:46,773 ♪ Dah, dah, dah, U.S.A. ♪ 1282 01:07:53,880 --> 01:07:55,349 If you catch a cold, 1283 01:07:55,449 --> 01:07:57,951 there's some aspirin in the cabinet. 1284 01:07:58,051 --> 01:08:01,155 And thanks for hanging on to my American-made assault weapons. 1285 01:08:06,460 --> 01:08:09,629 Dr. Fred Einerschmidt to 2-B. 1286 01:08:09,729 --> 01:08:10,664 Give me that. 1287 01:08:10,764 --> 01:08:14,968 ♪ Oklahoma 1288 01:08:15,068 --> 01:08:18,705 ♪ Oklahoma 1289 01:08:18,805 --> 01:08:20,607 ♪ Oklahoma 1290 01:08:25,745 --> 01:08:26,813 ♪ Oklahoma 1291 01:08:26,913 --> 01:08:28,648 ♪ Oklahoma 1292 01:08:28,748 --> 01:08:30,350 ♪ Oklahoma 1293 01:08:30,450 --> 01:08:33,253 ♪ Oklahoma ♪ 1294 01:08:49,969 --> 01:08:51,871 Hey, it's okay. 1295 01:08:51,971 --> 01:08:53,307 It was just my toe. 1296 01:09:07,053 --> 01:09:08,888 All right. That's enough, man. 1297 01:09:10,590 --> 01:09:13,227 You guys aren't thinking about Honey at all, are you? 1298 01:09:15,128 --> 01:09:16,696 I'm worried sick. 1299 01:09:16,796 --> 01:09:18,532 Ever see The Dirty Dozen? 1300 01:09:18,632 --> 01:09:19,499 That was a cool movie. 1301 01:09:19,599 --> 01:09:21,935 Man, that was real cool. 1302 01:09:22,035 --> 01:09:23,270 Lee Marvin. 1303 01:09:23,370 --> 01:09:24,704 Charles Bronson. 1304 01:09:24,804 --> 01:09:26,240 Ernest Borgnine. 1305 01:09:26,306 --> 01:09:28,308 Jim Brown. 1306 01:09:28,408 --> 01:09:30,644 Telly Savalas, Clint Walker. 1307 01:09:30,744 --> 01:09:31,911 Jim Brown. 1308 01:09:32,011 --> 01:09:33,980 Trini Lopez! Cool. 1309 01:09:34,080 --> 01:09:36,950 Trini Lopez? I never could figure that one out. 1310 01:09:37,050 --> 01:09:39,253 What the hell was he doing in The Dirty Dozen? 1311 01:09:39,319 --> 01:09:42,256 If I was putting together a group of murderers and cutthroats, 1312 01:09:42,322 --> 01:09:44,891 Trini Lopez would not be in the starting lineup. 1313 01:09:44,991 --> 01:09:46,260 That's why he dies first. 1314 01:09:46,326 --> 01:09:47,661 Don't they all die? 1315 01:09:47,761 --> 01:09:48,962 No. Jim Brown dies. 1316 01:09:49,062 --> 01:09:51,465 What do you expect? 1317 01:09:51,565 --> 01:09:53,099 Of all The Dirty Dozen, this black guy's 1318 01:09:53,267 --> 01:09:56,870 supposed to sneak in behind enemy lines and pretend he's a Kraut? 1319 01:09:56,970 --> 01:09:58,438 That's not it, man. 1320 01:09:58,538 --> 01:10:01,275 It's just the black guy always dies. 1321 01:10:01,375 --> 01:10:04,711 Think about it, man. Unforgiven. 1322 01:10:04,811 --> 01:10:05,879 Alien. 1323 01:10:05,979 --> 01:10:07,013 Rocky IV. 1324 01:10:07,113 --> 01:10:08,014 The Shining. 1325 01:10:08,114 --> 01:10:09,683 Star Trek II. 1326 01:10:09,783 --> 01:10:10,950 Forrest Gump. 1327 01:10:11,050 --> 01:10:12,286 Witness. 1328 01:10:12,386 --> 01:10:13,720 Annie Hall. 1329 01:10:13,820 --> 01:10:15,889 Not Annie Hall. 1330 01:10:15,989 --> 01:10:16,856 Night of the Living Dead. 1331 01:10:16,956 --> 01:10:18,392 That's the one! 1332 01:10:18,492 --> 01:10:20,260 And what about that brother in Jurassic Park? 1333 01:10:20,360 --> 01:10:22,329 That was cool. 1334 01:10:22,429 --> 01:10:24,931 Two black guys died in that one. A twofer! 1335 01:10:25,031 --> 01:10:28,435 You must be really pissed off at that one. 1336 01:10:28,535 --> 01:10:29,503 I'm telling you, man, 1337 01:10:29,603 --> 01:10:31,471 the black guy always dies first. 1338 01:10:40,714 --> 01:10:44,017 Aw, man. 1339 01:10:44,117 --> 01:10:46,620 Hey. Don't worry, Kabral. 1340 01:10:46,720 --> 01:10:48,922 You'll pass for Canadian. 1341 01:10:53,793 --> 01:10:55,395 You really do need help. 1342 01:10:55,495 --> 01:10:58,231 I need help? Yeah. 1343 01:10:58,332 --> 01:11:00,334 Knock it off with this Dirty Dozen stuff. 1344 01:11:00,434 --> 01:11:02,168 Did anyone see Dirty Dancing? 1345 01:11:02,369 --> 01:11:05,805 Whoo! 1346 01:11:05,905 --> 01:11:10,810 That was a good movie. 1347 01:11:10,910 --> 01:11:13,513 Welcome to the Hacker Hellstorm, 1348 01:11:13,613 --> 01:11:17,016 your one-stop program for total nuclear destruction. 1349 01:11:17,116 --> 01:11:20,354 Please enter your pin code now. 1350 01:11:24,123 --> 01:11:29,829 You have reached the Hellstorm communications center. 1351 01:11:29,929 --> 01:11:34,601 Please choose your missile launch sites from your on-screen menu. 1352 01:11:41,908 --> 01:11:47,814 Establishing contact with all U.S. launch sites. 1353 01:11:47,914 --> 01:11:52,085 American missiles now under the control of the Hacker Hellstorm. 1354 01:11:54,588 --> 01:11:59,158 Countdown ready to commence. 1355 01:11:59,258 --> 01:12:02,128 Hellstorm activated. 1356 01:12:02,228 --> 01:12:04,297 Thank God for technology. 1357 01:12:04,398 --> 01:12:08,502 12 hours to launch. 1358 01:12:19,746 --> 01:12:22,582 Any word from Omega Force, like where they are? 1359 01:12:22,682 --> 01:12:23,783 Hell, they... 1360 01:12:23,883 --> 01:12:26,085 What the hell is that? 1361 01:12:26,185 --> 01:12:27,554 It's Def-Con 4, sir. 1362 01:12:27,654 --> 01:12:30,223 Just remind me. What is Def-Con 4? 1363 01:12:30,323 --> 01:12:31,858 Defense condition 4, sir. 1364 01:12:31,958 --> 01:12:34,694 A nuclear attack is imminent or the opposite. 1365 01:12:34,794 --> 01:12:35,595 - I'm not quite sure. - Imminent, Stu! 1366 01:12:35,695 --> 01:12:36,763 There you go, imminent. 1367 01:12:36,863 --> 01:12:37,864 Well, can't we stop this? 1368 01:12:37,964 --> 01:12:41,501 The siren, sir, or nuclear exchange? 1369 01:12:41,601 --> 01:12:42,769 Either one! 1370 01:12:42,869 --> 01:12:46,072 Sir, our missile silos in southern Utah 1371 01:12:46,172 --> 01:12:48,107 have somehow become activated. 1372 01:12:48,207 --> 01:12:51,044 Well, who ordered that? It wasn't me, was it? 1373 01:12:51,144 --> 01:12:52,779 No. I didn't order that. 1374 01:12:52,879 --> 01:12:54,448 Can't you stop this? 1375 01:12:54,481 --> 01:12:57,083 General Panzer, where are those missiles aimed? 1376 01:12:57,183 --> 01:12:59,586 Well, sir... 1377 01:12:59,686 --> 01:13:02,922 Those ICBMs in southern Utah are 1378 01:13:03,022 --> 01:13:05,459 directed at... 1379 01:13:05,559 --> 01:13:07,461 At Moscow, sir. 1380 01:13:07,561 --> 01:13:08,662 What? 1381 01:13:08,762 --> 01:13:11,965 Why would you aim missiles at an ally? 1382 01:13:12,065 --> 01:13:14,468 Sir, it seems that nearly all of our missiles 1383 01:13:14,534 --> 01:13:18,938 are directed at targets in the former Soviet Republics. 1384 01:13:19,038 --> 01:13:20,239 Why the hell is that? 1385 01:13:20,339 --> 01:13:21,641 With all due respect, sir, 1386 01:13:21,741 --> 01:13:24,010 your boys in Intelligence never could decide 1387 01:13:24,110 --> 01:13:25,712 who was a big enough threat 1388 01:13:25,812 --> 01:13:27,781 to point those babies elsewhere. 1389 01:13:27,881 --> 01:13:30,016 Let me say, sir, 1390 01:13:30,116 --> 01:13:31,518 if one of our birds lands 1391 01:13:31,618 --> 01:13:32,786 in the Russkies' backyard, 1392 01:13:32,886 --> 01:13:34,521 plenty will be landing in ours. 1393 01:13:39,693 --> 01:13:40,827 I have just arrived here 1394 01:13:40,927 --> 01:13:44,931 as part of the Pentagon Press Corps. 1395 01:13:45,031 --> 01:13:47,901 There are some things we will not be allowed to show you. 1396 01:13:48,001 --> 01:13:52,238 But you can rest assured that you will be getting 1397 01:13:52,338 --> 01:13:55,742 all of the information you need to know. 1398 01:13:55,842 --> 01:13:57,310 I am standing here... 1399 01:13:59,012 --> 01:13:59,813 ...in the middle of... 1400 01:13:59,913 --> 01:14:01,180 And it is... 1401 01:14:04,584 --> 01:14:08,722 For those of you with sons and daughters up here, 1402 01:14:08,822 --> 01:14:10,824 I can only say that... 1403 01:14:16,863 --> 01:14:18,565 And that's about the only thing 1404 01:14:18,665 --> 01:14:21,868 that has been going wrong at this point. 1405 01:14:24,938 --> 01:14:27,807 The activation order appears to be coming from Canada. 1406 01:14:27,907 --> 01:14:30,610 How can Canada activate our missiles? 1407 01:14:30,710 --> 01:14:32,311 Shit. The Hacker Hellstorm. 1408 01:14:32,411 --> 01:14:33,547 The what? The Hacker Hellstorm. 1409 01:14:33,580 --> 01:14:35,114 Sir, it's a program you canceled 1410 01:14:35,214 --> 01:14:36,883 when you tried to balance the budget. 1411 01:14:36,983 --> 01:14:39,553 What is the Hacker Hellstorm? 1412 01:14:39,653 --> 01:14:40,954 Vargo. 1413 01:14:41,054 --> 01:14:42,756 It's an automatic nuclear response system, sir. 1414 01:14:42,856 --> 01:14:46,159 It initiates a nuclear counterstrike on its own. 1415 01:14:46,259 --> 01:14:48,962 I never liked it. Took the fun out of Armageddon. 1416 01:14:49,062 --> 01:14:50,564 I'm glad they canceled the son of a bitch. 1417 01:14:50,630 --> 01:14:52,331 How did Canada get it? 1418 01:14:52,431 --> 01:14:54,067 That's classified. 1419 01:14:54,167 --> 01:14:55,735 Classified? 1420 01:14:55,835 --> 01:14:57,837 I'm the President! 1421 01:14:57,937 --> 01:14:59,973 How did Canada get it, Stu? 1422 01:15:00,073 --> 01:15:01,741 I want to talk to Hacker right now! 1423 01:15:08,481 --> 01:15:10,016 It's a vision. 1424 01:15:10,116 --> 01:15:11,585 My eyes. 1425 01:15:21,861 --> 01:15:24,030 There it is, men. Toronto. 1426 01:15:24,130 --> 01:15:26,099 It's beautiful. 1427 01:15:26,199 --> 01:15:29,769 It's like no other city I've ever seen. 1428 01:15:29,869 --> 01:15:32,338 It's like Albany. 1429 01:15:32,438 --> 01:15:33,873 Only cleaner. 1430 01:15:54,393 --> 01:15:55,762 The Tower! 1431 01:16:04,771 --> 01:16:06,172 That's Toronto, boys. 1432 01:16:06,272 --> 01:16:07,741 Cool. 1433 01:16:08,842 --> 01:16:11,778 Wow! 1434 01:16:11,878 --> 01:16:14,881 Jeez, how do they clean all those windows? 1435 01:16:14,981 --> 01:16:16,149 Windex, dummy. 1436 01:16:22,055 --> 01:16:23,289 Where did they get so many buildings? 1437 01:16:25,091 --> 01:16:26,660 It's eerie. 1438 01:16:26,726 --> 01:16:28,895 Where is everybody? I don't like this. 1439 01:16:28,995 --> 01:16:29,996 Me neither. 1440 01:16:31,931 --> 01:16:33,032 There's a kid up there. 1441 01:16:36,235 --> 01:16:37,737 Hey, hey, kid. 1442 01:16:39,405 --> 01:16:40,974 Kid, where is everybody? 1443 01:16:41,074 --> 01:16:42,408 The Tower. 1444 01:16:42,508 --> 01:16:43,677 The Tower? 1445 01:16:43,743 --> 01:16:45,078 The Canadian National Tower. 1446 01:16:45,178 --> 01:16:47,981 Some crazy American woman's there with a big gun. 1447 01:16:48,081 --> 01:16:49,683 Thanks. 1448 01:16:49,749 --> 01:16:52,786 Crazy American lady with a gun. 1449 01:16:52,886 --> 01:16:55,121 It's Honey! Come on, fellas, let's go. 1450 01:17:01,527 --> 01:17:04,263 - Attention, please. - Attention, please. 1451 01:17:04,363 --> 01:17:07,100 This is the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 1452 01:17:07,200 --> 01:17:09,435 Would you come down from the Tower, please? 1453 01:17:09,535 --> 01:17:12,105 If you say "please" one more time, 1454 01:17:12,205 --> 01:17:14,708 I'm going to let you have it. 1455 01:17:20,546 --> 01:17:22,115 No, no, no. I got that part. 1456 01:17:22,215 --> 01:17:24,784 What I don't understand is how the Canadians 1457 01:17:24,884 --> 01:17:28,321 have a fully functional and operational Hellstorm. 1458 01:17:28,421 --> 01:17:31,825 I thought what I sold them was not usable. 1459 01:17:31,925 --> 01:17:34,060 How the hell did I let you get me into this? 1460 01:17:34,160 --> 01:17:35,762 Stuey. 1461 01:17:35,862 --> 01:17:37,997 God Almighty. 1462 01:17:38,097 --> 01:17:41,200 Why do you bother your head with this kind of crap? 1463 01:17:41,300 --> 01:17:44,403 Maybe it's because you're an only child. 1464 01:17:44,503 --> 01:17:47,306 Or maybe it's because you're becoming irrelevant. 1465 01:17:47,406 --> 01:17:49,843 Now, calm down, for Christ's sake. 1466 01:17:51,344 --> 01:17:53,446 The Canadians cannot launch any missiles. 1467 01:17:53,546 --> 01:17:55,381 Only I can, 1468 01:17:55,481 --> 01:17:57,751 because I have the codes, 1469 01:17:57,817 --> 01:17:59,318 all of them. 1470 01:17:59,418 --> 01:18:01,187 And I'm in control. 1471 01:18:01,287 --> 01:18:02,488 So, easy. 1472 01:18:02,588 --> 01:18:06,125 Missile countdown has started in Wyoming and Montana. 1473 01:18:06,225 --> 01:18:07,827 All right. I want an answer. 1474 01:18:07,927 --> 01:18:09,395 Does Canada have the power 1475 01:18:09,495 --> 01:18:11,564 to launch America's nuclear weapons? 1476 01:18:11,664 --> 01:18:15,101 The Hacker Hellstorm can do that and a lot more. 1477 01:18:16,502 --> 01:18:19,372 And if you hadn't canceled that program, 1478 01:18:19,472 --> 01:18:22,208 the technology would still be in American hands. 1479 01:18:22,308 --> 01:18:26,846 So you sold control of American missiles to a foreign country. 1480 01:18:26,946 --> 01:18:31,284 If you can call Canada foreign. Or a country. 1481 01:18:31,384 --> 01:18:33,019 When you canceled that program, 1482 01:18:33,119 --> 01:18:34,420 you left me standing there 1483 01:18:34,520 --> 01:18:37,690 out of pocket $500 million! 1484 01:18:37,791 --> 01:18:40,960 I got to make up on a shortfall like that. 1485 01:18:41,060 --> 01:18:43,863 After all the billions he's made on Uncle Sam. 1486 01:18:44,931 --> 01:18:46,833 In a decent, God-fearing country, 1487 01:18:46,933 --> 01:18:49,668 I'd be allowed to beat the two of you to death. 1488 01:18:49,803 --> 01:18:54,841 It's scum like you that make a simple war all screwed up and confusing. 1489 01:18:54,941 --> 01:18:58,711 It's people like us who keep people like you in business. 1490 01:18:58,812 --> 01:19:01,614 We're now registering missile activity in Nevada. 1491 01:19:01,714 --> 01:19:04,017 All right, now I want to know 1492 01:19:04,117 --> 01:19:07,486 where exactly did you install this, 1493 01:19:07,586 --> 01:19:08,922 this Hellstorm thing? 1494 01:19:09,022 --> 01:19:12,658 Ever run an old possum up a tree, Mr. President? 1495 01:19:12,826 --> 01:19:15,194 He'll find the highest branch he can. 1496 01:19:38,852 --> 01:19:41,754 Out of my way. Out of my way. Out of my way. 1497 01:19:41,855 --> 01:19:43,389 I'm sorry. 1498 01:19:43,489 --> 01:19:44,557 Excuse me. 1499 01:19:44,657 --> 01:19:46,926 Out of my way. Out of my way. 1500 01:19:47,026 --> 01:19:48,127 I'm sorry. 1501 01:19:48,227 --> 01:19:50,363 Out of my way. Out of my way. 1502 01:19:50,463 --> 01:19:51,464 I'm sorry. 1503 01:19:52,498 --> 01:19:54,300 All right. You wait here. 1504 01:19:54,400 --> 01:19:56,435 I'll be right back. Get out of my way. 1505 01:20:28,434 --> 01:20:32,071 Now, you know that I built Hellstorm number 1. 1506 01:20:32,171 --> 01:20:36,242 But what you don't know is that I also built Hellstorm number 2. 1507 01:20:36,342 --> 01:20:38,144 Two? What's that? What's two? 1508 01:20:38,244 --> 01:20:40,846 It's to defend us against Hellstorm 1. 1509 01:20:40,947 --> 01:20:44,283 Just in case an enemy should ever acquire it. 1510 01:20:44,383 --> 01:20:47,286 I don't want to say that it's pure genius, but... 1511 01:20:47,386 --> 01:20:49,255 No, no. It's insane! 1512 01:20:49,355 --> 01:20:50,924 It's business. 1513 01:20:51,024 --> 01:20:54,693 And I can let you have it immediately, but it won't be cheap. 1514 01:20:54,928 --> 01:20:57,396 It won't be cheap? How much will it be? 1515 01:20:57,496 --> 01:20:59,032 $1 trillion. 1516 01:21:00,133 --> 01:21:01,767 $1 trillion! 1517 01:21:01,935 --> 01:21:04,403 That includes the cost overruns. 1518 01:21:04,503 --> 01:21:08,074 Mr. Hacker, you've got Uncle Sam by the cojones. 1519 01:21:08,174 --> 01:21:10,309 Don't you have any patriotism, sir? 1520 01:21:11,577 --> 01:21:12,511 What about the Alamo? 1521 01:21:12,611 --> 01:21:14,047 The Halls of Montezuma? 1522 01:21:14,147 --> 01:21:16,082 The Sands of Iwo Jima? 1523 01:21:16,182 --> 01:21:18,251 The Guns of Navarone? 1524 01:21:18,351 --> 01:21:20,853 Didn't you ever fantasize about The Duke 1525 01:21:20,954 --> 01:21:22,555 in The Flying Leathernecks? 1526 01:21:23,957 --> 01:21:25,758 I mean, fantasize about being The Duke, 1527 01:21:25,858 --> 01:21:28,027 not fantasize about The Duke. 1528 01:21:28,127 --> 01:21:29,762 You know what I mean, sir? 1529 01:21:29,862 --> 01:21:32,298 30 minutes to launch. 1530 01:21:41,340 --> 01:21:42,508 God. 1531 01:21:44,377 --> 01:21:45,979 What have you got there? 1532 01:21:53,619 --> 01:21:54,787 My God. 1533 01:21:54,988 --> 01:21:58,091 Mr. President, we have a situation Uranus in Utah. 1534 01:21:58,191 --> 01:22:00,393 They bumped their birds up to T-minus 7. 1535 01:22:00,493 --> 01:22:03,229 This is terrible. I didn't understand a word of what he said. 1536 01:22:03,329 --> 01:22:05,698 He said the missiles will launch in seven minutes. 1537 01:22:05,798 --> 01:22:07,300 My God! 1538 01:22:07,400 --> 01:22:09,668 Mr. President, you got six minutes and change. 1539 01:22:09,768 --> 01:22:11,670 This is a mistake you do not want to make! 1540 01:22:11,770 --> 01:22:14,007 Negotiate with him. Give him what he wants! 1541 01:22:14,040 --> 01:22:15,508 I know. Just give me a second. 1542 01:22:15,608 --> 01:22:18,911 Gentlemen, I intend to put some shoe leather 1543 01:22:19,012 --> 01:22:21,247 between me and ground zero. 1544 01:22:21,347 --> 01:22:24,317 Call me, Mr. President, when you decide to give me the money. 1545 01:22:24,417 --> 01:22:26,119 Wait a second. Hold on one second. 1546 01:22:26,219 --> 01:22:27,820 I don't understand something. 1547 01:22:27,920 --> 01:22:31,190 Why would the Canadians try to start a war between us and the Russians? 1548 01:22:31,290 --> 01:22:32,291 I don't get that. 1549 01:22:32,391 --> 01:22:33,426 Hacker! 1550 01:22:34,860 --> 01:22:36,629 Hacker! Hack... 1551 01:22:36,729 --> 01:22:39,898 Get me Intelligence. I need Intelligence. 1552 01:22:40,033 --> 01:22:41,634 Canada's not launching those missiles. 1553 01:22:41,734 --> 01:22:42,801 You are! 1554 01:22:42,901 --> 01:22:45,504 Give me the money, then I'll turn it off. 1555 01:22:45,604 --> 01:22:47,373 Give me the goddamn codes! 1556 01:22:49,675 --> 01:22:51,210 You son of a bitch, you're through! 1557 01:22:54,780 --> 01:22:56,215 My God! 1558 01:22:59,552 --> 01:23:01,754 Guards! Arrest Mr. Smiley! 1559 01:23:03,122 --> 01:23:05,058 Wait! I got the codes! 1560 01:23:08,661 --> 01:23:10,063 Mr. Hacker? 1561 01:23:10,163 --> 01:23:11,630 Mr. Hacker? 1562 01:23:11,730 --> 01:23:14,333 I think this old possum has bought the farm. 1563 01:23:14,433 --> 01:23:15,768 E-I-E-I-O. 1564 01:23:29,882 --> 01:23:31,084 Excuse me. 1565 01:23:31,150 --> 01:23:32,185 Pardon me. 1566 01:23:32,285 --> 01:23:33,852 Sorry. 1567 01:23:35,254 --> 01:23:36,289 Sorry! 1568 01:23:42,495 --> 01:23:46,132 Stu, Stu, Stu, it really pains me to see you this way. 1569 01:23:46,232 --> 01:23:48,234 Who am I kidding? 1570 01:23:48,334 --> 01:23:50,136 We'll torture him later. Get him out of here. 1571 01:23:51,637 --> 01:23:53,005 What about the Russians? 1572 01:23:53,106 --> 01:23:55,841 Call Moscow. We've got to warn them. 1573 01:23:55,941 --> 01:23:57,810 Vladimir Krushkin. He was in briefly over lunch, 1574 01:23:57,910 --> 01:23:59,778 countercoup, he was out, then reinstalled again. 1575 01:23:59,878 --> 01:24:01,280 As of supper, he was still there. 1576 01:24:08,254 --> 01:24:10,923 Let me level with you, sir. 1577 01:24:11,023 --> 01:24:12,791 I would destroy any nation, 1578 01:24:12,891 --> 01:24:16,129 even my own, if my president gave the order. 1579 01:24:16,162 --> 01:24:18,131 So you just say the word, sir, 1580 01:24:18,231 --> 01:24:20,733 and we'll do what we should have done in the first place. 1581 01:24:20,833 --> 01:24:24,237 We'll nuke the slimy canuck bastards. 1582 01:24:24,337 --> 01:24:28,274 We'll wipe their frigid, goddamned country off the map. 1583 01:24:28,374 --> 01:24:31,144 I can't kill America's neighbors. 1584 01:24:31,177 --> 01:24:33,146 I can. I summer up there. 1585 01:24:33,779 --> 01:24:35,148 I understand, sir. 1586 01:24:35,181 --> 01:24:38,351 Mr. President, we've lost contact with Omega Force. 1587 01:24:38,451 --> 01:24:39,652 Well, that's it. 1588 01:24:39,752 --> 01:24:41,920 Moscow is about to light up 1589 01:24:42,020 --> 01:24:44,157 hotter than a pig roast on flag day. 1590 01:24:44,257 --> 01:24:48,161 That'll certainly guarantee a retaliatory gesture against the United States. 1591 01:24:48,227 --> 01:24:49,362 No shit. 1592 01:24:55,601 --> 01:24:57,403 Get Prime Minister MacDonald on the phone. 1593 01:24:57,503 --> 01:24:58,971 I'll give him anything he wants. 1594 01:24:59,172 --> 01:25:00,939 Got to. 1595 01:25:01,039 --> 01:25:04,677 This is the Hacker Hellstorm weather forecasting center. 1596 01:25:04,777 --> 01:25:08,647 1 minute, 50 seconds to total annihilation. 1597 01:25:09,582 --> 01:25:12,185 Have a nice day. 1598 01:25:12,218 --> 01:25:16,189 Mr. Prime Minister, I'm asking you to stop it. 1599 01:25:17,456 --> 01:25:19,225 Now pay attention to me, okay? 1600 01:25:19,325 --> 01:25:21,860 I'm talking about the Hacker Hellstorm. 1601 01:25:21,960 --> 01:25:25,731 You got it, and you've got to turn it off. 1602 01:25:25,831 --> 01:25:29,001 Clark, we can't turn it off. Of course we've tried! 1603 01:25:29,101 --> 01:25:30,503 We can't turn it... 1604 01:25:31,637 --> 01:25:33,339 He's putting his wife on. 1605 01:25:33,439 --> 01:25:34,507 Hi. 1606 01:25:36,242 --> 01:25:37,443 Ecoutez, 1607 01:25:38,644 --> 01:25:39,878 vous avez gagne. 1608 01:25:43,216 --> 01:25:45,351 Fermez les "rockettes", okay? 1609 01:25:47,453 --> 01:25:49,655 About two years in high school 1610 01:25:49,755 --> 01:25:51,357 and about four years in college. 1611 01:25:51,924 --> 01:25:52,825 Well, thank you. 1612 01:25:54,927 --> 01:25:59,232 American missiles will launch in 1 minute and 30 seconds. 1613 01:26:32,164 --> 01:26:34,900 When will it end? 1614 01:26:52,551 --> 01:26:55,354 Clark, are you listening to me? 1615 01:26:55,454 --> 01:26:58,324 Don't launch the rockets. 1616 01:26:59,358 --> 01:27:00,759 Our rockets! Don't launch them! 1617 01:27:00,859 --> 01:27:02,528 I'm giving up, you understand? 1618 01:27:02,628 --> 01:27:05,964 Whatever you want, you've got it! You've won! 1619 01:27:06,064 --> 01:27:07,933 Don't play games with me, Clark! You won! 1620 01:27:19,144 --> 01:27:20,713 Canuck central! 1621 01:27:20,813 --> 01:27:23,215 T-minus 15 seconds. 1622 01:27:25,017 --> 01:27:27,586 The canucks and Hacker? 1623 01:27:27,686 --> 01:27:29,655 10 seconds to launch. 1624 01:27:30,856 --> 01:27:32,525 Prepare to launch. 1625 01:27:37,496 --> 01:27:39,665 Clark, please! We're running out of time! 1626 01:27:54,547 --> 01:27:55,481 That's my Honey. 1627 01:28:32,985 --> 01:28:35,554 Boomer! Don't like heights. 1628 01:28:35,654 --> 01:28:37,390 We've got to get out of here. Come on! 1629 01:28:42,628 --> 01:28:43,829 Step on it. 1630 01:28:47,065 --> 01:28:49,067 Now, this is what I call a health care system. 1631 01:29:03,616 --> 01:29:05,851 Look, Honey. Home. 1632 01:29:05,951 --> 01:29:06,819 Home. 1633 01:29:08,454 --> 01:29:09,688 The US of A. 1634 01:29:15,694 --> 01:29:16,762 Whoo! Let's go. 1635 01:30:13,285 --> 01:30:15,588 There it is! 1636 01:30:16,755 --> 01:30:18,090 Like I care! 1637 01:30:52,658 --> 01:30:55,728 We're going to be there any minute now! Yeah! Trust me. 1638 01:31:04,570 --> 01:31:07,540 ♪ Only in America 1639 01:31:07,606 --> 01:31:10,609 ♪ Can a guy from anywhere 1640 01:31:10,709 --> 01:31:13,078 ♪ Go to sleep a pauper 1641 01:31:13,178 --> 01:31:16,815 ♪ And wake up a millionaire ♪ 1642 01:31:16,915 --> 01:31:19,885 ♪ Only in America 1643 01:31:19,985 --> 01:31:23,088 ♪ Can a kid without a cent ♪ 1644 01:31:23,188 --> 01:31:28,694 ♪ Get a break and maybe grow up to be president ♪ 1645 01:31:29,628 --> 01:31:31,196 ♪ Only in America 1646 01:31:32,565 --> 01:31:35,300 ♪ Land of opportunity, yeah ♪ 1647 01:31:35,400 --> 01:31:37,603 ♪ Could a boy who's nothing ♪ 1648 01:31:37,703 --> 01:31:42,808 ♪ Be something and be everything ♪ 1649 01:31:44,577 --> 01:31:47,479 ♪ Only in America 1650 01:31:47,580 --> 01:31:50,583 ♪ Can a kid who's washin' cars ♪ 1651 01:31:50,683 --> 01:31:52,384 ♪ Take a giant step 1652 01:31:52,484 --> 01:31:56,789 ♪ And reach right up and touch the stars ♪ 1653 01:31:56,889 --> 01:31:59,592 ♪ Only in America 1654 01:31:59,692 --> 01:32:02,861 ♪ Could a dream like this come true ♪ 1655 01:32:02,961 --> 01:32:04,362 ♪ Could a guy like me 1656 01:32:04,462 --> 01:32:08,200 ♪ Start with nothing and end up ♪ 1657 01:32:08,300 --> 01:32:13,706 ♪ Like you 1658 01:32:34,159 --> 01:32:35,828 ♪ Only in America 1659 01:32:37,162 --> 01:32:39,798 ♪ Land of opportunity, yeah ♪ 1660 01:32:39,898 --> 01:32:42,134 ♪ Could a boy who's nothing ♪ 1661 01:32:42,234 --> 01:32:47,072 ♪ Be something and be everything ♪ 1662 01:32:47,973 --> 01:32:50,843 ♪ Be everything 1663 01:32:52,945 --> 01:32:54,713 ♪ America 1664 01:32:56,048 --> 01:32:57,650 ♪ America 1665 01:32:59,084 --> 01:33:00,753 ♪ America 1666 01:33:02,087 --> 01:33:03,689 ♪ America 1667 01:33:05,023 --> 01:33:06,725 ♪ America ♪ 1668 01:33:17,069 --> 01:33:21,439 ♪ Beneath its snowy mantle cold and clean ♪ 1669 01:33:21,539 --> 01:33:23,375 ♪ The unborn grass lies waiting ♪ 1670 01:33:23,475 --> 01:33:25,744 ♪ For its gold to turn to green ♪ 1671 01:33:27,245 --> 01:33:31,684 ♪ The snowbird sings the song he always sings ♪ 1672 01:33:31,784 --> 01:33:33,786 ♪ And speaks to me of flowers ♪ 1673 01:33:33,886 --> 01:33:37,489 ♪ That will bloom again in Spring ♪ 1674 01:33:37,589 --> 01:33:41,794 ♪ When I was young my heart was young then, too ♪ 1675 01:33:41,894 --> 01:33:44,029 ♪ And anything that it would tell me ♪ 1676 01:33:44,129 --> 01:33:46,031 ♪ That's the thing that I would do ♪ 1677 01:33:47,866 --> 01:33:52,037 ♪ But now I feel such emptiness within ♪ 1678 01:33:52,137 --> 01:33:54,807 ♪ For the thing that I want most in life's ♪ 1679 01:33:54,907 --> 01:33:58,343 ♪ The thing that I can't win ♪ 1680 01:33:58,443 --> 01:34:02,715 ♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away ♪ 1681 01:34:02,781 --> 01:34:04,783 ♪ And take the snow back with you ♪ 1682 01:34:04,883 --> 01:34:07,019 ♪ Where it came from on that day ♪ 1683 01:34:08,721 --> 01:34:12,624 ♪ The one I loved forever is untrue ♪ 1684 01:34:12,725 --> 01:34:14,026 ♪ And if I could 1685 01:34:14,126 --> 01:34:18,964 ♪ You know that I would fly away with you ♪ 1686 01:34:19,064 --> 01:34:22,935 ♪ The breeze along the river seems to say ♪ 1687 01:34:23,035 --> 01:34:25,503 ♪ That he'll only break my heart again ♪ 1688 01:34:25,603 --> 01:34:27,840 ♪ Should I decide to stay 1689 01:34:29,274 --> 01:34:33,511 ♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away ♪ 1690 01:34:33,611 --> 01:34:35,580 ♪ And take the snow back with you ♪ 1691 01:34:35,748 --> 01:34:39,484 ♪ Where it came from on that day ♪ 1692 01:34:39,584 --> 01:34:42,755 ♪ The one I loved forever is untrue ♪ 1693 01:34:43,588 --> 01:34:44,823 ♪ And if I could 1694 01:34:44,923 --> 01:34:48,961 ♪ You know that I would fly...♪ 1695 01:34:49,061 --> 01:34:53,799 ♪ away with you ♪