So, thanks for coming by, guys.
We just wanted to bounce
some ideas off of you
about the wedding ceremony.
Oh...
What's the matter? Are you okay?
Yeah, it's just, you know...
Monica said, "Wedding."
MONICA: Uh, so, anyway, we thought that one of you
could read something at the ceremony.
Oh!
I would love... to read a poem.
Do you think you could get through a poem?
Yeah, a short one.
MONICA: Okay, so, Ross will be doing
the reading.
Oh...
( chuckling): Okay, yeah.
I guess... I guess I could do that, too.
"Too"?
Yeah, I kind of, uh,
( clearing throat): have something else planned for you guys.
Oh. Do you mind telling us what it is?
Sorry, I'm kind of keeping this one on the QT.
Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking.
Hey!
OTHERS: Hey.
I just talked to one of the DOOL writers...
What is DOOL?
Days of our Lives.
Oh.
Anyway, you're not going to believe it...
My character is coming out of his coma!
Hey, that's great!
That's great! Joey!
And-And-And not only that
I'm getting a new brain!
So, great things are happening at work
and in your personal life.
RACHEL: Wait.
What do you mean you're getting a new brain?
Well-Well, they're killing off
one of the characters on the show
and when she dies, her brain is being transplanted
into my body.
Wh-What?
A brain transplant?
Yes, it's a highly controversial procedure.
It's ridiculous!
Well, I think it's ridiculous
that you haven't had sex in three-and-a-half months.
It's winter.
There are fewer people on the street.
Who are they killing off?
Uh, Cecilia Monroe.
She plays Jessica Lockhart.
No... No...
She's my favorite character on DOOL.
Nice.
She is so good
at throwing drinks in people's faces.
I mean, I don't think I've ever seen her finish a beverage.
MONICA: And the way
she slaps people all the time.
Wouldn't you love to do that just once?
Don't do it.
Cecilia Monroe, man, what a great actress.
Oh, tell me about it...
and she's been on the show forever.
It's going to be really hard to fill her shoes.
Yeah, yeah. Help me out here.
When you... when you come out of the "brain transplant"
you are going to be her?
Yes, but in Drake Ramoray's body.
( mumbles incredulously)
Why is it so hard for you to get?
I thought you were a scientist.
Captioning sponsored by WARNER BROS.
♪ So no one told you life was gonna be this way ♪
♪ Your job's a joke, you're broke ♪
♪ Your love life's D.O.A. ♪
♪ It's like you're always stuck in second gear ♪
♪ When it hasn't been your day, your week ♪
♪ Your month, or even your year ♪
♪ But I'll be there for you ♪
♪ 'Cause you're there for me, too. ♪
( clears throat)
Rach, so, that guy there...
straight or gay?
Well, I'd have to say gay.
Yeah? Why?
Well, mainly, because he's kissing that other guy.
Oh, no, not that guy there.
That guy right there.
RACHEL: Oh...
( laughing): Oh, yeah, he's too cute to be straight.
Ooh, Knockers will help us figure it out.
Oh.
All right, straight...
and not subtle.
Ooh, he left his cell phone. Oh.
Well, we can give it to Gunther
and he'll put it in lost and found.
Or we could use it to call China,
see how those guys are doing.
What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it
and I answer and we start talking
and we fell in love?
I mean, wouldn't that be a great story?
Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.
Yeah... that does sound great.
I'm going to get the phone.
What? Wait!
Wh-Why... why do you get the story?
I don't know.
I haven't been out on a date in so long.
Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
That wasn't a date.
That was... that was just friends
getting together... having sex.
Okay. Great.
See? I get the phone.
No way. No way.
You just broke up with Tag a week ago.
Yeah, and until now...
( voice breaking): I didn't think I would love again.
Nice try.
Well, hey, wait, wait.
How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
I don't know.
Well, um...
maybe we could... uh...
Aha, too slow!
( laughing cockily)
Aha!
Too cocky.
I'm going to keep dating him, Mother,
and there's nothing you can do about it.
Oh, yes, there is.
What are you going to do, kill him,
like you did Charles?
( gasping): That was an accident...
and so were you.
Well, at least I'm not a murderer.
Oh, my baby!
( sobs once)
WOMAN: Cut.
( scattered applause)
That was a great scene.
An-And that slap looked so real.
How do you do that?
Oh, just years of experience.
( crying): Can I get some ice here?
Well, anyway, I just wanted
to say how wonderful I think you are.
You're not the fan who's dying, are you?
What?
I was supposed to meet and hug a fan who's dying,
but that's not supposed to be until later.
Uh, no.
No, I'm Joey Tribbiani.
We did a scene together yesterday.
I'm the guy in the coma.
Oh, that was a real person?
( stammers softly)
A-A-Anyway, I just wanted to say
that since I'm getting your brain when you leave the show,
I was wondering if there's any tips...
Wait. I-I'm leaving the show?
I don't know. Why? Did you hear something?
Who told you that?
Uh... uh... one of the writers.
Which writer?
Was it bald or was it tall?
Uh, you know, uh... You know what?
It doesn't matter, because it is not true.
Okay.
And if it were true, how dare you come to me
and ask me for tips about a character
that I've been playing for 20 years!
I'll give you a tip!
Miss Monroe...
Oh, there you go.
( sighs)
No, Phoebe, you cannot get the phone that way.
That's not fair.
( sighs)
Okay, look, I have an idea.
Why don't we... why don't we see
what kind of numbers he has on his speed dial?
And, then, from that, we can tell who has more in common with him
and, then, whoever does, gets the phone.
Or we can decide
by whoever's name is closer to the word "phone."
I don't think so.
Fine. All right.
I bet you'd be singing a different tune
if we were fighting over a ratchet.
All right.
First name on the speed dial is "Mom."
Oh...
I lost my mom to suicide.
Okay, no way.
You cannot use that to get the cute guy
and the last blueberry muffin.
Did I use that already today? Yes.
I'm sorry. Okay.
Well, now, see, this isn't telling us anything.
"Joe... Carlos...
Yoga... Ben..."
Wait, yoga! I do yoga! That's one for me.
Aah! All right. Oh, so close!
If only it said "yogurt."
Ooh! "Peter Luger"!
That's a steak house.
( sighing): Okay, fine, meat eater.
Fine, that's one for you.
( laughing)
Oh, I win.
He's got Barney's on his speed dial.
So, you don't know that it's Barney's, the store.
That could be, you know, his friend's house or a bar.
Who has Barney's, the store, on their speed dial?
His new girlfriend.
( bagpipes droning dissonantly)
What is that?
I think it's the Dying Cat Parade.
It sounds like it's coming from across the street.
Oh, my God.
What?
You know that thing that Ross was going to do at our wedding?
He was hanging out with me yesterday
and he turned to me and he said,
"You're half-Scottish, right?"
No...
Yes!
( continues playing dissonantly )
No. There is no way...
It cannot be Ross.
Unbelievable!
Why is your family Scottish?
Why is your family Ross?
He cannot play at our wedding.
I mean, everyone will leave.
It'll be like when he rapped at my Bat Mitzvah.
Look, we can't just tell him no, okay?
He's probably been practicing forever.
He'll be crushed.
Well, maybe there's some way we could tell him
without hurting his feelings.
I mean, come on, that is just noise!
It's not even a song!
If you listen very carefully, I think...
it's "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang.
( bagpipes continue playing)
( knock at door)
Hi, Pheebs.
Good. How are you?
Uh, Pheeb, remember when we were
in the coffeehouse, we decided
that I was going to keep the cute guy's cell phone?
Yeah.
And remember how I said
I was going to keep it in my purse
so that if it rang, I could just pick it up?
Yeah! Right?
Um, and, then, do you remember
going into my purse and stealing the phone?
Ooh, now you lost me.
You stole the phone!
No, I didn't!
No? So you're saying that if I called it...
it wouldn't ring?
Nope.
Mmm. Okay.
But while you dial, let me show you the features
of my new ringing handbag.
Mmm.
( phone ringing)
Oh, it does work!
Oh, Phoebe!
That is a different phone.
Oh, is it?
Uh, hello.
Yes, hi, is Rachel there?
Yes, she is. Just one moment please.
It's for me!
That is damning evidence.
( phone ringing)
Oh, my God!
I bet that's him.
My digital fairy tale is about to begin.
I wonder how I should be?
Should I be, uh...
( sultry): "Hello"...
or should I be
( perky): "Hi!"?
Would you stop doing that?!
Hello.
Yes, I'm the one who found your phone.
Phoebe, you can't...!
I'm on a call.
Oh...
Um, well, yeah, I mean, you could pick it up tonight
at, say, 8:30... at... at my apartment.
It's, um, it's, um, 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14.
And then, maybe, you know, after,
we could grab a bite to eat or whatever.
Okay, well, okay, I'll see you then. Bye.
You do know that I will be here when he comes over.
Oh, and how will you know what time to come over?
You just said it.
Oh.
Okay, well, I-I was kind of hoping that I would just...
be alone, you know, to think about my mom
and her suicide...
Oh, Phoebe!
What? That's the first time today.
Oh!
So you like the nachos, huh?
Myself, I'm partial to...
I'm 16.
See you in 2003.
Well, you're absolutely right.
They are writing me out of the show.
I don't know exactly when it's going to happen,
but apparently it's going to be very soon,
and then that's... it.
I'm so sorry.
Look, if it was up to me,
you would never leave the show.
Yeah, thanks.
No, I mean it.
I can't believe they would do this to you
and to your fans.
I mean, they're going to be devastated, heartbroken.
They love you so much.
Oh, you're right.
Thank you.
What's your name again?
Joey.
Joey. Well, thank you.
That is so sweet.
Excuse me.
It wasn't my decision.
I'm having a conversation here.
You were saying?
I... yeah... I...
Yeah, lo-lo-lo-look, the only reason
that I... that I came up to you before
is because...
well, I'm really nervous about-about being you.
You know, if you could
help me capture the-the essence of the character, you know?
Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
All right, Joey, I will help you...
not because I-I owe it to this stupid show
but because... I owe it to Jessica.
Oh, that's great. Oh, thank you so much.
You're so welcome.
Now, I've been watching some tapes. How's this?
( with British accent): Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again!
Ever!
Is that supposed to be me?
Yeah.
Well, but... Jessica doesn't have an English accent.
I can do an English accent?
That baby's going on my resume.
Well, I feel like a snack.
Do you want some shortbread?
It's Scottish, like you are.
Oh, no, thanks.
I don't like anything from my Scottish heritage.
What?
Well, it's just that my entire family
was run out of Scotland by...
Vikings.
Anyway, lots of bad memories.
I... I... well...
Oh, it sounds to me like your family is ready
to, uh, rediscover its Scottish roots.
No, no, no, they're not, uh-uh.
They're still very angry,
but, you know, Chandler is also half-Swedish.
You know what the Swedish people are famous for?
Sitting down and being quiet.
Well, yeah, yeah,
but the-the Scottish history is so much...
You cannot play bagpipes at the wedding.
How did you know about that?
We heard you play all the way from your apartment.
Were you the ones who called the cops?
That's not really important right now.
( clears throat)
What is important is, while we appreciate the gesture,
we just don't feel that bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Why not?
Because we hate them.
Come on, that's not fair.
You haven't even heard me play.
We have heard you play.
No, you've heard me practice, okay?
Just-Just give me a chance to perform for you
and then decide whatever you want...
and I'm not going to tell you what song I'm going to play, either,
but, uh, let's just say, when it's over,
I'll bet there'll be a wee bit o' celebration.
So... the essence of the character
is rooted in her confidence.
So, when Jessica enters a room, for instance,
she owns everything
and every person in that room.
You try it.
Okay.
All right!
No, he already knows that he owns everything in the room.
He's not finding it out for the first time.
So, try it again.
Okay. Okay.
Right. He's not angry at the room, either.
Try it again.
He owns it.
He owns the room.
It is his.
He owns, owns, owns the room!
He owns it!
All right, it's a little weird, but it's getting better.
Oh, I'm going to miss this woman so much.
I-I don't know what I'm going to do.
I mean, it's been 20 years of my life.
Oh, then...
Hey, hey!
Maybe... maybe, uh,
maybe this is a good thing, you know?
It'll give you a chance to shake things up...
play different characters.
You're so talented.
I am, I am, but...
I don't know, you know...
an actor of a certain age...
it's not that easy.
Hey, that's not true.
Look at, uh, look at Angela Lansb...
Angelina Jolie.
I probably should've just left years ago
when the offers were pouring in,
but, you know, I just got so comfy here and...
Oh, I turned down some amazing work.
Like-like what?
Well...
let's just say if I left 15 years ago,
the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today.
Wow.
But... well, now...
now is a different time for me.
Oh, hey, come on.
Don't... don't do this.
Um... Look, let me tell you something, okay?
Now, when I watch you do a scene,
I'm thinking, "Boy, she-she is a great actress,"
but... but... I'm also thinking, "She is hot!"
You think I'm hot?
You own the room.
We should probably get... get, uh...
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We should get back...
So, when Jessica...
kisses a man...
she usually puts, um... both her hands on the...
man's face.
Yeah, yeah, I noticed that.
Is that 'cause she's so passionate?
No, it's because that way the camera only sees her.
Oh.
You want to try it?
Yeah. Okay.
That was good.
That was really good...
but I-I think that maybe your hands are
just a little off.
They should be, maybe, like, right... right...
( grunting)
Hey! Hey!
( knocking on door) BOTH: Who is it?
Hi. It's Tom. I'm here to pick up the phone.
Well, why do you get to answer the door?
Well, why shouldn't I?
'Cause it's my apartment.
Well, then I get to give him the cell phone.
Okay, all right.
Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
Hi.
Wow, how long were we arguing for?
Um...
( chuckles)
You're not the man who left the cell phone.
No. That's my assistant.
Is-is he coming?
Uh... no.
Could you... could you, uh, give us one second?
Sure. We'll we be right back, sir.
Well, what do we do?
I don't know.
Can you believe that?
We're waiting for a hot guy
and then an even hotter one shows up.
I know.
What?
Mmm, they just don't make them like that anymore, you know?
No, no, they do,
but... you just have to wait.
Rachel, listen, I mean... if you let me have him,
then I will really owe you one.
All right.
All right, Phoebe, I will let you have him,
but you owe me... you owe me big.
Yeah. You're such a great friend.
Oh...
So, which one of you lovely ladies
am I going to take to dinner, huh?
Oh, that'd be me... sir.
After you.
Okay, thank you. Okay.
( whispering): Nice.
Well, you certainly owned that room.
Actually, I rent the whole place
and I... just got what you meant. Thank you.
( laughing)
Hi. JOEY: Hey.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Oh! Jessica Lockhart!
In my apartment!
I am such a huge fan. I am such a huge fan.
Well, it's nice to know that you...
Monica! Monica!
That, uh, that's my roommate Rachel.
Oh, that explains all the women's underwear.
Sure.
Oh, my God, it's true!
Oh, my God,
you are so amazing.
Oh, my God. Can I just ask you to do me... just one favor?
Certainly.
Would you slap me?
Would you slap me right here in the face?
I'd love to, but my lawyer said I can't do that anymore.
God, you seem really, really nice.
Okay, bye-bye.
I mean, not fake at all like most famous people.
All right, here we go.
All right, just one more thing.
One-one more thing. Um...
You're a stupid bitch.
I really can't slap you. Oh!
JOEY: Here you go.
You are so beautiful.
So nice to meet you.
My God, you're great!
Thanks for stopping by.
See you.
I-I am so sorry.
Oh, no-no-no-no. Being adored... I'm used to it.
Don't worry about it.
Oh, my God. What?
They sent me today's script.
They never send me the script.
They don't?
Well, no. I'm just in a coma.
This must mean I have lines.
Oh.
How does it happen?
Ooh. You get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
( gasps)
What?
Jessica hates horses.
Yeah, well, I'm guessing after this
she's not going to be crazy about electricity, either.
Oh...
Now, remember, you have to imagine me in a kilt.
I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and kneesocks.
You want to start telling secrets?
No.
Now, um, remember...
( bagpipe sounds) I'm still learning.
( bagpipe squeaking and groaning)
One, two, three, four!
( squeaky notes over cacophonous groaning)
( bagpipes continue playing dissonantly)
You know the song... sing along!
( bagpipe resumes playing)
( Phoebe screeching tunelessly along with bagpipe)
( bagpipes playing dissonantly) ( screeching tunelessly)
So?
No. No.
( bagpipe squeaks)
Loosening the saddle on Mother's horse was brilliant, Frederick.
And the electric fence, inspired.
Thank you, sweetheart.
I can't believe she's really gone.
Look around you... All of this is ours.
I don't think so.
Who are you?
What's the matter, Dina?
Don't you recognize your own...
mother?
WOMAN: Cut. That was great, everybody. Thank you.
That was so wonderful!
Oh, I think that you're a better Jessica than I ever was.
Oh, no.
Well, of course not, but you were very good. Thanks.
And guess what? Good news... I got another job.
Great! Hey, all right!
Wha-What is it?
A film in Guadalajara.
The airport?
No, that's La Guardia.
Ah.
This is... Mexico.
Oh. Whoa.
Well, how-how long will you be gone?
Eight months.
That's a really long time.
Yeah, but you could come and visit me.
I bet that you could, uh, own a few places down there.
You know, I'll tell you, I should probably buy a place in the city first.
And I just got what you meant again.
That is a... I'll tell you
that's a tricky one. It's a tricky one.
Well...
Joey, I really want to thank you.
You-you... well, you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful.
Good luck.
You, too.
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org