Monica:
COME IN.
I'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR YOU.
HI, I JUST...
( screams )
MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD, MONICA!
OH, MY GOD.
I'M SORRY. SORRY.
I-I WAS, UM...
I WAS TAKING A NAP.
SINCE WHEN DO YOU TAKE NAPS
IN THAT POSITION?
GOD, MONICA, SAY YOU WERE
WAITING FOR A GUY.
PLEASE SAY YOU WERE
WAITING FOR A GUY.
YES. YES, I WAS.
A GUY.
FROM WORK.
I'M SEEING A GUY FROM WORK!
HA!
OH, THAT CUTE WAITER GUY
FROM YOUR RESTAURANT.
THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE
A NONTHREATENING RAY LIOTTA?
UH-HUH! THAT ONE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
JUST GIVE ME A SECOND,
I'LL BE OUT OF YOUR HAIR.
I'M JUST GOING TO GRAB A JACKET.
WHEN I GET BACK,
I WANT EVERY LITTLE DETAIL.
( knocking )
MAYBE THAT'S HIM.
OKAY, UM...
IT'S JUST JOEY AND ROSS.
WHY AREN'T YOU GUYS
AT THE MOVIE?
WE WERE, BUT ROSS WAS
TALKING SO LOUD ON HIS PHONE
THEY THREW US OUT.
I HAD TO TALK LOUD
BECAUSE THE MOVIE WAS LOUD.
HE'S TALKING TO LONDON.
OH, MY GOD!
DID HE GET IN
TOUCH WITH EMILY?
WELL, NO. NOT YET.
HE'S CALLING EVERYONE
ON HER SIDE OF THE FAMILY
HOPING THAT SOMEONE WILL
HELP HIM GET IN TOUCH WITH HER.
I DON'T CARE IF I SAID
SOME OTHER GIRL'S NAME
YOU PRISSY OLD TWIT!
HEY, ROSS.
WAY TO SUCK UP
TO THE FAMILY.
( chuckling )
AH... AH...
I'M SO GLAD
YOU GUYS ARE ALL HERE.
MY OFFICE FINALLY GOT
WRINKLE-FREE FAX PAPER!
♪ SO NO ONE TOLD YOU
LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY ♪
♪ YOUR JOB'S A JOKE,
YOU'RE BROKE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE LIFE'S D.O.A. ♪
♪ IT'S LIKE YOU'RE ALWAYS
STUCK IN SECOND GEAR ♪
♪ WHEN IT HASN'T BEEN
YOUR DAY, YOUR WEEK ♪
♪ YOUR MONTH,
OR EVEN YOUR YEAR ♪
♪ BUT I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
♪ WHEN THE RAIN STARTS TO POUR ♪
♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
♪ LIKE I'VE BEEN THERE BEFORE ♪
♪ I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE THERE
FOR ME, TOO. ♪
NO, NO, NO.
HEY.
VOMIT TUX.
NO, NO. VOMIT TUX.
DON'T WORRY.
I HAD IT DRY-CLEANED.
VOMIT TUX?
WHO VOMITED ON...
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHAT YOU UP TO, JOE?
WELL, THEY'RE DOING
THIS TELETHON THING ON TV
AND MY AGENT
GOT ME A JOB AS COHOST.
OH, THAT'S GREAT!
A LITTLE GOOD DEED FOR PBS,
PLUS SOME TV EXPOSURE.
NOW, THAT'S THE KIND OF MATH
JOEY LIKES TO DO.
YUCK! PBS.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH PBS?
WHAT'S RIGHT WITH THEM?
WHY DON'T YOU LIKE PBS, PHEEBS?
OKAY, 'CAUSE RIGHT AFTER
MY MOM KILLED HERSELF
I WAS JUST IN THIS REALLY BAD
PLACE, YOU KNOW, PERSONALLY.
I JUST THOUGHT THAT
IT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER
IF I WROTE TO SESAME STREET
'CAUSE THEY WERE SO NICE
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE KID.
NO ONE EVER WROTE BACK.
WELL, YOU KNOW A LOT OF THOSE
MUPPETS DON'T HAVE THUMBS.
ALL I GOT WAS A LOUSY KEY CHAIN
AND BY THAT TIME,
I WAS LIVING IN A BOX.
I DIDN'T HAVE KEYS.
I'M SORRY, PHEEBS.
I JUST, YOU KNOW
I JUST WANTED TO DO
A GOOD DEED LIKE...
LIKE YOU DID
WITH THE BABIES.
THIS ISN'T A GOOD DEED.
YOU JUST WANT TO GET ON TV.
THIS IS TOTALLY SELFISH.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
WHAT ABOUT YOU HAVING
THOSE BABIES FOR YOUR BROTHER?
TALK ABOUT SELFISH.
WHAT... WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?
IT WAS A REALLY
NICE THING AND ALL
BUT IT MADE YOU FEEL
REALLY GOOD, RIGHT?
YEAH. SO?
WELL, IT MADE YOU FEEL GOOD,
SO THAT MAKES IT SELFISH.
LOOK, THERE'S NO UNSELFISH
GOOD DEEDS. SORRY.
YES, THERE ARE.
THERE ARE TOTALLY GOOD DEEDS
THAT ARE SELFLESS.
WELL, MAY I ASK
FOR ONE EXAMPLE?
YEAH, IT'S...
YOU KNOW... THERE'S...
NO, YOU MAY NOT.
THAT'S BECAUSE
ALL PEOPLE ARE SELFISH.
ARE YOU CALLING
ME SELFISH?
ARE YOU CALLING
YOU PEOPLE?
YEAH. WELL...
SORRY TO BURST
THAT BUBBLE, PHEEBS
BUT SELFLESS GOOD DEEDS
DON'T EXIST, OKAY?
AND YOU KNOW THE DEAL
ON SANTA CLAUS, RIGHT?
I'M GOING TO FIND
A SELFLESS GOOD DEED.
I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU,
YOU EVIL GENIUS.
( phone rings )
HELLO?
HELLO, ROSS?
EMILY? EM...
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD, IT'S EMILY!
IT'S EMILY, EVERYONE!
SHH! SHH!
HI.
ROSS, I'M ONLY RINGING
TO SAY STOP HARASSING
MY RELATIVES. GOOD-BYE.
NO. WAIT, WAIT.
LOOK. OKAY, OKAY.
YOU CAN HANG UP,
BUT I'M GOING TO KEEP CALLING.
I'M GOING TO CALL
EVERYONE IN ENGLAND
IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES
TO GET YOU TO TALK TO ME.
REALLY? ABOUT WHAT?
LOOK, YOU'RE MY WIFE.
WE'RE...
WE'RE MARRIED, YOU KNOW.
I... I LOVE YOU. I...
I really miss you.
I MISS YOU, TOO.
Well, at least I think I do.
SHE'S TALKING.
All ( whispering ):
YEA!
HEY, JOEY, WHEN
YOU SAID THE DEAL
WITH SANTA CLAUS,
YOU MEANT...
THAT HE DOESN'T EXIST.
RIGHT.
SO, CHANDLER,
HAVE YOU HEARD
ABOUT MONICA'S
SECRET BOYFRIEND?
UH... YEAH. SHE, UH...
SHE, UH... SHE MIGHT
HAVE MENTIONED HIM. YEAH.
SO, MON
WHEN ARE WE GOING TO MEET
THIS NEW SECRET WAITER MAN?
OH, HE'S REALLY SHY.
I DON'T THINK HE'S
UP TO MEETING EVERYONE YET.
YEAH, I DON'T THINK
HE'S UP TO MEETING EVERYONE YET.
I DON'T CARE.
I WANT TO MEET THIS GUY
WHO'S THE BEST SEX SHE EVER HAD.
REALLY?
THAT'S WHAT
YOU HEARD?
YOU SAID THAT?
I MIGHT HAVE SAID THAT.
( laughing )
WHY IS THAT FUNNY?
BECAUSE I'M VERY
HAPPY FOR HIM.
AND YOU, YOU LUCKY DOG.
HI.
HEY.
HI.
WELL, EMILY'S WILLING
TO WORK ON THE RELATIONSHIP.
THAT'S GREAT!
IN LONDON.
WHAT?
SHE WANTS ME TO MOVE TO LONDON.
BUT YOU LIVE HERE.
YOU KNOW THAT.
WHAT... WHAT...
WHAT ARE YOU
GOING TO DO?
I BET IF I TALKED
TO CAROL AND SUSAN
I COULD CONVINCE THEM
TO MOVE TO LONDON WITH BEN.
YEAH. I'M SURE YOUR EX-WIFE
WOULD BE MORE THAN HAPPY
TO MOVE TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
SO YOU CAN PATCH THINGS UP
WITH YOUR NEW WIFE.
IT COULD HAPPEN.
HOW YOU DOING?
WELCOME.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
THIS WILL BE YOUR PHONE.
THAT'S GREAT,
BUT, UH...
I'M NOT REALLY EXPECTING
A LOT OF CALLS.
NO, YOU ANSWER IT
AND TAKE PLEDGES.
BUT I'M THE HOST.
NO, GARY COLLINS
IS THE HOST.
YOU'LL BE
ANSWERING
THE PHONE.
YOU DON'T SEEM
TO UNDERSTAND.
SEE, I WAS
DR. DRAKE RAMORAY.
WELL, HERE'S YOUR
PHONE, DOCTOR.
I CANNOT BELIEVE
I CAN'T FIND
A SELFLESS
GOOD DEED.
YOU KNOW THAT
REALLY OLD GUY
THAT LIVES
NEXT DOOR TO ME?
WELL, I SNUCK OVER THERE
AND RAKED UP ALL THE LEAVES
ON HIS FRONT STOOP,
BUT HE CAUGHT ME
AND FORCE-FED ME
CIDER AND COOKIES.
THEN I FELT WONDERFUL.
THAT OLD JACKASS.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE JOEY'S RIGHT.
MAYBE ALL GOOD DEEDS
ARE SELFISH.
I WILL FIND
A SELFLESS GOOD DEED
BECAUSE I JUST GAVE BIRTH
TO THREE CHILDREN
AND I WILL NOT LET THEM
BE RAISED
IN A WORLD WHERE JOEY IS RIGHT.
HEY, MONICA?
CAN I ASK YOU
A COOKING QUESTION?
SURE.
IF YOU'RE COOKING ON THE STOVE
DOES THAT MEAN
THAT YOUR NEW
SECRET BOYFRIEND
IS BETTER IN BED
THAN RICHARD?
CHANDLER!
IS HE?
LOOK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK
I'M GOING TO RESPECT THE PRIVACY
OF MY NEW SECRET BOYFRIEND.
WHY?
I MEAN IF THIS GUY WAS ME
AND IT WAS ME WHO WOULD LEARN
THAT IT WAS ME THAT WAS
THE BEST YOU'D EVER HAD
I'D BE GOING LIKE THIS.
Ross:
ALL RIGHT, EMILY
AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU
I'M SORRY, I CAN'T MOVE
TO LONDON WITHOUT BEN.
I UNDERSTAND
THAT WOULD BE DIFFICULT.
WOULD YOU PLEASE CONSIDER
MOVING HERE?
I MEAN, YOU WERE GOING
TO MOVE HERE ANYWAY.
Why can't you just do that?
OH, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S JUST...
O-OKAY, OKAY, BUT I KNOW
THAT EVEN THOUGH I'VE BEEN
A COMPLETE IDIOT UP TILL NOW
Y-YOU HAVE TO COME HERE.
You have to, so we can
work this out together.
ALL RIGHT.
A-ALL RIGHT?
DID YOU JUST SAY ALL RIGHT?
I DID. NOW I'M THE IDIOT.
OH, EMILY, THAT IS SO GREAT!
It's going to be so great!
WE'RE GOING TO BE LIKE,
LIKE TWO IDIOTS IN LOVE!
( chuckles )
ROSS, THERE'S ONE THING
THAT REALLY SCARES ME STILL.
YES, TELL ME.
You have to understand
HOW HUMILIATING IT WAS FOR ME
UP ON THAT ALTAR
IN FRONT OF MY ENTIRE FAMILY,
ALL MY FRIENDS.
I KNOW. I AM... I AM SO SORRY.
AND THEN,
AFTER DECIDING TO FORGIVE YOU
SEEING YOU AT THE AIRPORT,
CATCHING OUR PLANE WITH HER.
AGAIN, VERY SORRY.
I MEAN, I CAN'T BE
IN THE SAME ROOM WITH HER.
IT DRIVES ME MAD
JUST THINKING OF YOU
BEING IN THE SAME ROOM AS HER.
EMILY, THERE IS NOTHING
BETWEEN RACHEL AND ME.
Okay? I love you.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL COME TO NEW YORK,
AND WE'LL TRY TO MAKE THIS WORK.
AH, THAT IS SO GREAT! THAT'S...
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T SEE RACHEL
ANYMORE.
...SO I ASKED EMILY
IF SHE WOULD
COME TO NEW YORK
AND SHE SAID YES.
YES!
NO, NO, NO.
ONLY IF I PROMISED
NEVER TO SEE RACHEL AGAIN.
WHAT? YOU CAN'T...
WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?
I TOLD HER I'D HAVE
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, HOW THE HELL
AM I SUPPOSED TO MAKE
THIS KIND OF
A DECISION?
I'M ACTUALLY ASKING YOU.
WELL, YOU CAN'T
JUST NOT SEE RACHEL ANYMORE.
SHE'S ONE
OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS.
YEAH, BUT HE
CANNOT NOT SEE EMILY.
THAT'S HIS WIFE.
YEAH. RIGHT ON.
THAT'S TRUE.
YEAH, BUT
YOU'VE KNOWN RACHEL
SINCE HIGH SCHOOL
AND YOU CANNOT JUST CUT
HER OUT OF YOUR LIFE.
NO, YOU CANNOT.
THAT'S TRUE.
THANKS FOR THE HELP.
PROBLEM SOLVED.
( phone ringing )
HELLO.
HEY, MON.
Oh, hey, Joe.
WHEN ARE YOU GOING
TO BE ON TV?
SEE, THERE WAS KIND OF A MIX-UP
IN MY AGENT'S OFFICE
BUT I'M STILL ON TV
AND THAT'S GOOD EXPOSURE.
Monica:
YOU'RE NOT ON TV.
UH, OKAY.
HOW... HOW ABOUT NOW?
OH...
YEAH! THERE HE IS!
Hello, New York.
Maybe you just like want
to put the whole duck in there.
Who cares? You know?
Now, I got the legs...
OH! OH!
HOW MANY TIMES
HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS
TO NEVER WATCH
THE COOKING CHANNEL.
HI, CHANDLER.
HEY.
I NEED THAT BROILING PAN
THAT JOEY BORROWED
THE OTHER DAY.
OH, THAT WAS YOURS?
MM-HMM.
YEAH, WE USED IT WHEN THE DUCK
WAS THROWING UP CATERPILLARS.
WILLIAMS-SONOMA,
FALL CATALOG, PAGE 27.
EXPECT IT IN FOUR TO SIX WEEKS.
UM, HEY, UH,
JOEY'S GOING TO BE
AT THE TELETHON
FOR THE REST OF THE DAY, AND...
WE HAVE THE WHOLE PLACE
TO OURSELVES.
YEAH? SO?
WELL, I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE
YOU'D WANT TO BOOK SOME TIME
WITH THE BEST YOU'VE EVER HAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT, CHAMP?
I THINK I'LL PASS.
WHY?
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
PBS TELETHON.
HEY, JOEY, I JUST WANTED
TO LET YOU KNOW
THAT I FOUND
A SELFLESS GOOD DEED.
I WENT DOWN TO THE PARK
AND I LET A BEE STING ME.
WHAT? WHAT GOOD IS THAT GOING
TO DO ANYBODY?
WELL, IT HELPS THE BEE
LOOK TOUGH
IN FRONT OF HIS BEE FRIENDS.
THE BEE IS HAPPY,
AND I AM DEFINITELY NOT.
YOU KNOW THE BEE PROBABLY DIED
AFTER HE STUNG YOU.
DAMN IT.
BACK ON IN 30 SECONDS, PEOPLE.
HEY, EXCUSE ME.
WOULD YOU MIND SWITCHING
WITH ME? I'M JUST...
OH, NO WAY. I'M
IN THE SHOT, MAN.
COME ON, MAN, YOU'VE
BEEN HERE ALL DAY.
MAN, I'M TAKING
PLEDGES HERE, HUH?
AND WE'RE ON
IN THREE, TWO...
WELCOME BACK
TO OUR FALL TELETHON.
NOW, IF YOU'VE BEEN ENJOYING
THE PERFORMANCE
OF CIRQUE DE SOLEIL
AND YOU'D LIKE TO SEE MORE
OF THE SAME KIND OF PROGRAMMING
IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO
IS CALL IN YOUR PLEDGE
AND AT THAT TIME
TELL THE OPERATOR--
ONE OF OUR VOLUNTEERS--
WHAT TYPE OF PROGRAMMING
YOU FEEL...
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
I CANNOT MAKE
THIS DECISION.
IT IS TOO DIFFICULT.
I'M JUST GOING
TO LEAVE IT
ENTIRELY UP
TO THE GODS OF FATE.
( rattling )
A MAGIC EIGHT BALL?
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS
DECISION WITH A TOY.
OH, IT'S NOT A TOY.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT ELSE TO DO.
I MEAN, I EITHER
KEEP MY WIFE
AND LOSE ONE OF MY...
MY BEST FRIENDS
OR I KEEP MY FRIEND
AND GET DIVORCED
FOR THE SECOND TIME
BEFORE I'M 30.
SO IF ANYONE ELSE HAS...
HAS A BETTER SUGGESTION
LET'S HEAR IT,
BECAUSE I-I-I GOT NOTHING.
DON'T BE SHY.
ANY SUGGESTION WILL DO.
OKAY, THEN.
HERE WE GO.
MAGIC EIGHT BALL--
SHOULD I NEVER
SEE RACHEL AGAIN?
"ASK AGAIN LATER."
LATER
IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
"ASK AGAIN LATER."
WHAT THE HELL!
THIS IS BROKEN!
THE GAME IS BROKEN!
ALL RIGHT,
LET ME SEE.
WILL CHANDLER HAVE SEX TONIGHT?
"DON'T COUNT ON IT."
SEEMS LIKE IT WORKS
TO ME.
PBS TELETHON.
HEY, PHEEBS.
I WOULD LIKE
TO MAKE A PLEDGE.
I WOULD LIKE TO DONATE $200.
$200? YOU SURE, PHEEBS?
I MEAN, AFTER WHAT SESAME STREET
DID TO YOU?
OH, I'M STILL MAD AT THEM
BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT THEY
BRING HAPPINESS TO LOTS OF KIDS
WHOSE MOMS
DIDN'T KILL THEMSELVES.
YOU KNOW,
SO BY SUPPORTING THEM
I'M DOING A GOOD THING,
BUT I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT.
SO, THERE, A SELFLESS GOOD DEED.
AND YOU DON'T FEEL A LITTLE GOOD
ABOUT DONATING THE MONEY?
NO. IT SUCKS.
I WAS SAVING UP
TO BUY A HAMSTER.
A HAMSTER?
THOSE THINGS
ARE LIKE TEN BUCKS.
YEAH, NOT THE ONES
I HAD MY EYE ON.
It looks like
we have surpassed
last year's pledge total.
Thank you, viewers!
And the pledge that did it
was taken by one
of our volunteers... Oh, boy
and may I say, one of our
sharpest-dressed volunteers--
Mr. Joseph Tribbiani.
OH, LOOK!
LOOK! JOEY'S ON TV.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
HEY, MY PLEDGE GOT JOEY ON TV.
OH, THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO...
OH, NO!
LOOK, MAYBE I GOT
CARRIED AWAY BEFORE
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING
YOU GOT TO KNOW.
IF I'M THE BEST
IT'S ONLY BECAUSE
YOU MADE ME THE BEST.
KEEP TALKING.
I MEAN, I WAS NOTHING
BEFORE YOU.
CALL THE OTHER GIRLS AND ASK.
WHICH WOULDN'T TAKE LONG.
BUT WHEN I'M WITH YOU,
AND WE'RE TOGETHER
OH... MY... GOD.
REALLY?
OH... OH... MY... GOD.
WELL, I UNDERSTAND
IF YOU NEVER WANT
TO SLEEP WITH ME AGAIN,
BUT THAT WOULD BE WRONG.
WE'RE TOO GOOD.
WE OWE IT TO SEX.
WELL, IF WE OWE IT...
OH!
OH, MY!
( giggling )
WHEN IS JOEY GOING
TO BE HOME?
WELL, I WAS
KIND OF HOPING
WE COULD DO THIS
WITHOUT HIM.
HMM, YEAH.
OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.
LEAVE THE GLOVES ON.
BUT I JUST CLEANED
THE BATHROOM.
YEAH, WHY DON'T
WE LOSE THE GLOVES.
YEAH.
OKAY.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SHOW THEM
HOW IT'S DONE.
OKAY.
OW!
YOU KNOW THAT
WASN'T PART OF IT?
I KNOW.
ALL RIGHT.
( knocking )
HI. YOU READY?
WE'RE GOING
TO BE LATE.
FOR WHAT?
FOR STELLA, REMEMBER?
SHE'S GETTING HER GROOVE
BACK IN, LIKE, 20 MINUTES.
YEAH, I, UH, TOTALLY FORGOT
ABOUT THAT.
DO YOU MIND IF I
TAKE A RAIN CHECK?
I'M WAITING FOR
A CALL FROM EMILY.
WELL... SURE,
I GUESS.
HEY, I HEAR YOU DON'T HAVE
TO GO LONDON. YAY.
IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
THERE'S STILL A LOT OF, UH...
RELATIONSHIP STUFF.
LIKE WHAT?
JUST STUFF.
YOU KNOW, UH,
KIND OF WHAT EMILY WANTS.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.
MAYBE I CAN HELP.
NO. NO, YOU...
YOU CAN'T HELP.
I MEAN...
I KIND OF HAVE TO DO THIS
WITHOUT YOUR HELP.
WELL, I...
I KNOW YOU CAN DO THAT, TOO.
I'M JUST SAYING, IF YOU NEED
SOMEBODY TO TALK TO... HI.
THANKS.
ROSS?
LOOK, WHATEVER THIS RELATIONSHIP
STUFF IS THAT EMILY WANTS
JUST GIVE IT TO HER.
COME ON, THE BOTTOM LINE
IS THAT YOU LOVE HER.
SO JUST FIX
WHATEVER SHE WANTS FIXED.
JUST DO IT.
( phone ringing )
I MEAN, YOU'RE GOING
TO HAVE TO TRY.
( ringing )
YOU'LL JUST HATE YOURSELF
IF YOU DON'T.
( ringing )
OH, COME ON, ANSWER IT.
IT'S DRIVING
ME CRAZY.
HELLO.
HI, SWEETIE.
GOOD.
LOOK, UM...
YES. I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT THAT THING YOU...
YOU WANTED ME TO DO, AND, UH...
I CAN DO IT.
SO WILL YOU COME TO NEW YORK?
WHAT?
Captioned by
The Caption Center
WGBH Educational Foundation]
NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.
NOPE.