- Hey. - Hey, check it out. This is unbelievable.
Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes.
Are you trying to kill me?
- Pheebs, I wanna ask you something. - Uh-huh, what?
Um, well, since I'm moving out and you're so beautiful...
...how about I move in with you?
Well, that would be great, but then what do we do about Denise?
- Who's Denise? - My roommate.
- You have a roommate? - Yes, Denise. Denise.
Hey, what is with the secrecy, Phoebe? Huh?
And what about this Denise? She cute?
How can you have a roommate that none of us know about?
Maybe because you never listen to anything I say.
I talk about her all the time. Denise!
Rach, I was thinking, I'm gonna have an extra room over at my place.
- Oh, that's true. - Why don't you move in with me?
It'll be great. We can stay up late talking, watch movies.
And you know about naked Thursdays, right?
Yeah, yeah, I think I'm gonna find my own place.
Hey, hey. I thought naked Thursdays was just our thing, man.
- Hey. - Hey.
What did Rachel say when you told her you were still married to her?
Oh, that. Um, she took it really well.
- Oh. You didn't tell her, did you? - No.
- Because you're in love with her. - I am not in love with her.
She was very upset about having to move out.
So I didn't tell her we were still married, because she'd only get more upset.
I comforted her. As a friend.
- What do you mean, "comforted her"? - It was nothing. I gave her a hug.
Aha. A classic sign of love, the hug.
It's also a sign of friendship.
Yeah, not in your case, Lovey Loverson.
It was a hug.
Just tell me this, did you or did you not smell her hair?
Smell her hair? Well, what if I did?
Ninety percent of a woman's pheromones come out the top of her head.
That's why women are shorter.
So that men will fall in love when they hug them.
Come on, Ross, you're a scientist.
I was hugging her as a friend, okay?
It's not my fault her hair got in my face.
She's got a lot of it, and it smells all, uh...
...you know, coconutty.
What? Oh. It doesn't mean I have feelings for Rachel.
Maybe it means I have feelings for coconuts.
Okay, whatever you say. But just be careful. Rachel's not in the same place you are.
Okay, if the place you're referring to is being in love...
...then she is in the same place as me, because I am not in that place.
Okay, I didn't understand that.
But maybe that's because you were speaking the secret language of love.
- Hey. CHANDLER: Hey.
- Dude, some guy just called for you. - Who was it?
I don't know.
How about "Thanks for taking the message"? Jeez.
Hey, listen.
When you move in, Rachel's room's gonna be empty.
You wanna talk about what we wanna do with it?
- Sure. - Okay.
I think we should have a beautiful guest room...
...with a mahogany sleigh bed and bedside tables with flowers on them.
Then we could have a rolltop desk with comment cards...
...so people can tell us how much they love staying here.
Whatever, you know, I really haven't thought about it that much.
Well, I like that idea, obviously. Ha, ha.
But I was thinking maybe it could be a game room, you know?
I mean, you can buy old arcade games...
...like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" for $200.
The real ones. The big, big, big ones.
No.
Okay, so you mean "no" as in, "Gee, Chandler, what an interesting idea.
Let's discuss it before we reject it completely."
Oh. I'm sorry. Of course.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yes. Interesting idea, um, talk about it, but no.
So that's it?
Well, I just don't think that arcade games go in the beautiful guest room.
The guest room's gonna be filled with antiques.
Which is why "Asteroids" is perfect. It's the oldest game.
What do you have against the guest room?
I don't have anything against the guest room.
Especially since everybody that we know lives about 30 seconds away.
Are you mocking me?
No, I'm not mocking you or your beautiful guest room.
JOEY: What's up?
Nothing. Monica and I had a stupid fight.
But you're still moving in together, right? Because my ad came out today.
"Wanted: Female roommate, nonsmoker, nonugly."
- Nice. - Ah?
I figured after living with you...
...it'd be an interesting change to have a female roommate.
You know? Someone I could learn from. Someone who's different than me.
And what's more different than me, a guy who's not 19...
...than, say, a girl who is 19?
Ah? Ha, ha.
Not just a hat rack, my friend.
- Pheebs, I have to ask you... - Shh. I'm swamped right now.
You're just staring into space.
Um, I'm trying to move that pencil.
- This one? - It worked!
Pheebs, this whole apartment thing is a nightmare.
Every place that I can afford comes with a roommate who is a freak.
Look at this.
"Wanted: Female roommate, nonsmoker, nonugly."
- It's just there's nothing. This city is full. PHOEBE: Wait, no, look at this.
"Two-bedroom, two-bath. Must be nonsmoker.
Satan worshipers okay."
Oh. Yeah, but it's on the ground floor.
- Hey. RACHEL: Hey.
- Rach, are you still looking for a place? - Yeah, why?
Okay, there's this guy Warren from the museum...
...and he's going on a dig for like two years.
And he's got this great place he needs to sublet.
So you interested?
That sounds great. I'd love to live at Warren's. I love Warren.
- Thank you. - Oh, don't thank me.
You wanna thank someone, thank the volcano...
...that erupted thousands of years ago...
...killing but perfectly preserving an entire civilization.
Here's Warren's number.
Oh, this is great. I am gonna call him right now.
- Oh, okay. Oh. RACHEL: Thank you. Ha, ha.
Okay, you go call him.
I saw it.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm talking about that which you already know but won't admit.
You know, that you love her again. You relove her.
Look, I do not relove her.
I can't believe you won't just admit it.
Okay, just promise me that you won't do anything stupid.
Look, we're just friends now, okay? Why would I do anything stupid?
Ugh. Well, the apartment is already subletted.
I mean, this is just hopeless. I'm never gonna find anything.
You can live with me.
- What? - What?
What?
RACHEL: Oh, my God, are you serious? - Uh-huh.
I would love to live with you, Ross. That's great. Thank you.
I'm just glad I could, you know, help you out.
Wow, I'm so happy for you guys. This is so, so not stupid.
Ross, Ross, you have no idea what this means to me.
I mean, I was gonna be homeless. You've just saved me. You're my hero.
[CHUCKLES]
Hero? I don't know. Well, all right.
Oh. I have to go tell Monica what a wonderful brother she has.
- Aw. Mwah. - Oh, please.
[ROSS CLEARS THROAT]
You're gonna say things now, aren't you?
No. No, I won't.
But I should tell you this.
This exact same thing happened to my roommate, Denise.
She moved in with a guy...
...who was secretly married to her and said he didn't love her but really did.
It just blew up.
And that's how she ended up living with me.
Okay, that's a lie.
- Hi. - Hi.
Hi. Listen, I'm sorry about before. I don't need to have a game room.
When I was a kid, I only played those games because I couldn't get girls.
Now I can get...
Now I have you.
No, not that I think that I have you...
...or think of you as property in any sort of way.
- I see women... - Stop it, Chandler.
I'm sorry too.
- Really? - Yeah. Oh, yes.
Oh.
Listen, we don't have to make that a guest room.
- We can think of something together. - That's a great idea.
We can easily think of a way for us both to enjoy the room.
Totally.
- We don't have to come up with this now. - Oh, good.
Why don't we think about changes that we can make in the living room?
Changes?
Yeah, I mean, we're gonna have to move some furniture to make room for my chair.
[CHANDLER CHUCKLES]
You're gonna bring the Barcalounger over here?
- Is that a problem? - Well...
It's just that they're a set and they should probably stay together.
Oh, that's cool. Then I'll just bring them both over.
See, now you're taking them away from their home.
Okay, I get it. So I get nothing. Nothing here is mine. Everything is yours.
I'll get up in the morning, put on your clothes, and head off to work.
Yeah. Yeah, you know what? That's it. That's it.
Everything will be mine. Nothing will be yours.
Oh, come on. I'm talking about the Barcalounger.
It doesn't match. Where is it gonna go?
In the game room.
Look, it is not my fault that your chairs are incredibly ugly.
That's fine. I won't bring over the chairs. I won't bring anything over.
I wouldn't wanna ruin the ambiance over here at Grandma's place!
Everything on your application looks really good.
Oh, just one last question.
Are you and your friends gonna be over here all the time partying?
Oh, don't worry. I'm not really a party girl.
Whoa.
Now, don't just be blurting stuff out.
I want you to really think about your answers.
You can call off the roommate search. Hi. I'll be living here.
Oh, don't listen to him.
He's just some guy who wants the apartment.
But I don't think he's gonna get it.
Why did you take the shower curtain down?
That thing was a hazard.
I'm very safety-conscious.
- Hey. - Hey.
Oh, I was just clearing some space for your stuff.
Oh, thanks.
But listen, I was just at Monica's...
...and she and Chandler had a big fight and they're not moving in.
What do you mean, not moving in? They're still moving in, right?
No, no, they just had a big blowout over what to do with my room.
What? Over a stupid room?
I feel kind of bad for them...
...but I'm also psyched because I don't have to move in here.
Oh, no. Yeah. No, that part's great.
What's all this about you guys fighting?
Is this really over a room?
I mean, that is so silly.
- Ross, we can handle this. - Well, apparently not.
And I can't just stand by and watch two people I care about so much...
...be hurt by something that is so silly.
- I mean, enough of the silliness. - Why don't you tell her to stop being silly?
[IMITATING EACH OTHER]
Okay, okay.
Two very good points.
Look, I've known you both a long time.
And I've never seen either of you one-millionth as happy...
...as you've been since you got together.
Do you really wanna throw that all away over a room?
That is so silly.
What's more important, love...
...or silliness?
Well, we are fond of the silliness.
But we also have a soft spot for the love.
- Love is the best medicine. - That's laughter.
- Why do you do it? - I don't know.
Now, Chandler, you wanna live with Monica, right?
Yeah, I do.
And, Mon, you wanna live with Chandler, don't you?
Yes.
Good. A verbal contract is binding in the state of New York.
So I understand you're looking for a place?
- No, no, I'm staying put. - Oh.
I was going to offer you my apartment.
Why? Where are you going?
I don't know.
- Hey, Rach. - Hi.
Uh, you're never gonna believe it. Monica and Chandler are moving in again.
That's great news, right? I mean, for them, right?
Oh, wow.
But on the bright side, we get to be roommates again.
Yeah. You know, about that, um...
Ross, ahem, I really appreciate your offer to let me move in and everything...
...but don't you think it's gonna be weird?
Why? Why? Why would it...? Why would it be weird?
Well, you know, because of us.
Because of our history.
- No. RACHEL: No?
No, no.
It would only be weird if we were still in that place.
I mean, are you still in that place?
- No, not at all. - Good. Me neither.
So it's not a problem.
We're just two friends who happen to be roommates.
Okay, but, Ross, eventually, you and I are gonna be dating.
Really? We are?
Well, yeah. I'm gonna have a boyfriend and you're gonna have a girlfriend.
Oh. Heh.
That'd be great.
But if you think it's gonna be okay, we'll just work out a system.
It'll be like in college. I'll hang a hanger on the door and put a sign:
"Come back later. I'm getting lucky."
[RACHEL LAUGHS]
[ROSS LAUGHING]
Yeah, I didn't think of that.
So are you sure about this whole moving-in thing?
I mean, it's a really big step. And what's the rush?
[CHANDLER & MONICA LAUGHING]
That's very funny.
He's being silly because he knows we enjoy the silliness.
No, I'm serious, okay? I mean, think about it.
You move in, you start fighting over stupid game rooms...
...next thing you know, you break up.
Ross, you were right before. It was just a stupid fight about a room.
Okay, there are no stupid fights.
This isn't about the room.
This is about what the room represents.
And unfortunately, this room could destroy you.
- Yeah, I'm not so worried. - Yeah, no, me neither.
Fine. It's your life.
I just don't wanna see you break up.
Which you will do if you move in together.
But if that's what you want, there's nothing I can do.
Don't do it!
- You still wanna move in together, right? - Of course.
Ross didn't scare you?
Scared me out of ever wanting to live with him.
- Come here, I gotta show you something. - Okay.
Oh, my God, someone's killed Square Man.
[MONICA CHUCKLES]
This is where the Barcalounger could go.
You see, you can see the TV, and still, it's walking distance to the kitchen.
Oh, that's so sweet.
I wanna show you something.
You know those big road signs that say "merge"?
Mm-hm.
You know? So I was thinking we could get one of those signs...
...and hang it over our bed.
Because that's you and I together.
"Merge."
- Oh, my God, I love that. - Really?
"No."
[SINGING] I found you in my bed
How'd you wind up there?
You are a mystery
Little black curly hair
Little black, little black Little black, little black
Little black curly hair
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
Thank you.
Um...
If you wanna receive e-mails about my upcoming shows...
...then please give me money so I can buy a computer.
So, uh... Ahem.
Where are the other guys?
Well, let's see, Monica and Chandler are occupied.
- Fighting? - No, the other thing.
I really think it's great they worked things out.
Yeah, there's no breaking them up, is there?
Hey, can I borrow the key to your house so I can make a copy?
- Here. - Thank you.
Now, are you sure?
Because once I make a copy, there's no turning back.
Yeah, I'm sure.
Now get out of here before I change my mind.
Uh, listen, Ross.
You really think this moving in with Rachel is a good idea?
I've been back and forth.
Yeah, well, maybe you should go back, okay?
Rachel moves in, and before you know it...
...you're where you don't wanna be, back together.
Yeah, I don't think so.
She's already talking about, you know, dating other guys.
That's not gonna work out.
Then she's gonna come home all weepy, and you'll be telling her:
"Oh, that's okay. You'll find someone."
And then, bam, she finds you.
Huh. Oh, maybe you're right.
I am telling you, Ross, she is definitely gonna fall in love with you again.
Now, is that what you want?
- Heh. Is that what I want? - [OVER MICROPHONE] Yes.
Here she comes. I'm gonna make your life much easier.
All right, well, the place was closed, so I'll copy it later.
Or not.
Uh, Rach, why don't you just move in with me?
- Ahh. - Oh.
- Whoa, whoa, Joey. - No, no, no. It's okay.
Look, Rach, I know I scared you off with that whole naked-Thursdays thing...
...but we don't have to do that.
Well, it would be easier to move just right across the hall.
Wait a minute, unless you're thinking about naked Wednesdays.
Thursday's clearly not good for you. Pick a day.
- Hi. - Hi.
Come on in. Thanks for coming back.
Okay, there have been a lot of people interested in the room.
But I have narrowed it down, and you are one of the finalists.
- Great. - Okay, now, before I make my decision...
...I just wanna make sure that our personalities match, okay?
So I made up a little test.
Now, I'm gonna say a word, and then you say the first thing that comes to mind.
- I can do that. - Okay, here we go.
- Pillow. - Fight.
Very good.
Okay. G.
- String? - Excellent.
Okay. Um...
Doggy.
- Kitten? - Ooh, sorry.
No, no, no. So close, though. But, you know, okay, bye-bye.
[English - US - SDH]