1
00:00:02,460 --> 00:00:04,753
[ALL GROANS]

2
00:00:08,299 --> 00:00:10,926
Monica, that was the best
Thanksgiving dinner ever.

3
00:00:11,094 --> 00:00:13,721
It was so good. I think you killed us.

4
00:00:15,473 --> 00:00:17,766
I couldn't possibly eat another bite.

5
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:20,269
I need something sweet.

6
00:00:21,604 --> 00:00:23,230
Does anyone wanna watch TV?

7
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:24,940
GROUP:
Yeah. Sure.

8
00:00:27,235 --> 00:00:29,278
Monica, your remote doesn't work.

9
00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:32,448
Phoebe, you have to lift it and point.

10
00:00:32,615 --> 00:00:33,866
Oh.

11
00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:36,994
Oh, forget it.

12
00:00:37,912 --> 00:00:39,538
Hey, you know what we should all do?

13
00:00:39,706 --> 00:00:43,125
We should play that game where everyone
says one thing they're thankful for.

14
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:48,088
Oh, I... I am thankful for this
beautiful fall we've been having.

15
00:00:48,256 --> 00:00:49,923
- Very nice.
- Sweet, Joe.

16
00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:52,342
Yeah, the other day,
I was at the bus stop...

17
00:00:52,510 --> 00:00:54,928
...and this lovely fall breeze
came in out of nowhere...

18
00:00:55,096 --> 00:00:57,097
...and blew this chick's skirt right up.

19
00:00:58,683 --> 00:01:02,895
Oh, which reminds me,
I'm also thankful for thongs.

20
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:57,157
It's not so much an underpant
as it is a feat of engineering.

21
00:01:58,576 --> 00:02:02,913
It's amazing how much they can do
with so little material.

22
00:02:03,081 --> 00:02:07,668
And the way they play with your mind.
I mean, is it there? Is it not there?

23
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:10,838
Are you aware that you're still talking?

24
00:02:12,006 --> 00:02:15,592
Is anyone thankful for anything else
besides a thong?

25
00:02:16,010 --> 00:02:17,302
Huh. I don't know what to pick.

26
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:20,389
Am I more thankful for my divorce,
or my eviction? Hmm.

27
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:23,851
Wow, see, and I didn't think you'd be able
to come up with anything.

28
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:29,273
I'm sorry. It's just this is the worst
Thanksgiving ever.

29
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:31,817
No, no, no. I am the king
of bad Thanksgivings.

30
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:34,153
You can't just swoop in here
with your bad marriage...

31
00:02:34,320 --> 00:02:36,029
...and take that away from me.

32
00:02:36,489 --> 00:02:38,073
You're not gonna tell the whole story...

33
00:02:38,241 --> 00:02:40,242
...about how your parents
got divorced, are you?

34
00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:42,035
GROUP:
No, no.

35
00:02:42,203 --> 00:02:44,204
Come on. I want to hear it.

36
00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:49,710
It wouldn't be Thanksgiving
without Chandler bumming us out.

37
00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:52,713
It's a tradition, like the parade.

38
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:57,301
If the parade decided it was gay, moved out
and abandoned its entire family.

39
00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:01,763
Now, Chandler, dear.

40
00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:04,099
Just because your father and I
are getting a divorce...

41
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,059
...doesn't mean we don't love you.

42
00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:07,769
It just means...

43
00:03:07,937 --> 00:03:11,648
...he would rather sleep
with the houseboy than with me.

44
00:03:14,360 --> 00:03:16,987
More turkey, Mr. Chandler?

45
00:03:20,950 --> 00:03:24,786
You're right, yours is worse.
You are the king of bad Thanksgivings.

46
00:03:25,121 --> 00:03:27,289
I don't know about that.
I've got one that's worse.

47
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:28,457
Really? Worse than:

48
00:03:28,625 --> 00:03:30,876
[IN SPANISH ACCENT]
"More turkey, Mr. Chandler?"

49
00:03:33,129 --> 00:03:35,297
Did the little rich boy
had a problem with the butler?

50
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:37,633
Yes, mine's worse.

51
00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:40,928
[GUNFIRE AND BOMBS EXPLODING]

52
00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:46,725
More bandages! More bandages!

53
00:03:46,893 --> 00:03:49,770
Please, can I get
some more bandages in here?

54
00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:52,564
This man is... Aah!

55
00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:58,070
Oh, no.

56
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:02,991
In this life, Phoebe.

57
00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:05,118
Oh, this life.

58
00:04:05,286 --> 00:04:06,995
Oh, okay. No, Chandler's is worse.

59
00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:11,333
Man, it must be so cool
remembering stuff like that.

60
00:04:11,501 --> 00:04:14,044
I don't have any past life memories.

61
00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:17,798
Of course, you don't, sweetie.
You're brand-new.

62
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:22,010
I know Monica's worst Thanksgiving.

63
00:04:22,178 --> 00:04:24,721
- Oh, let's not tell this story.
- Oh, come on.

64
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:26,431
Oh, no! I know! I know!

65
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:30,394
It's the one where Joey got
Monica's turkey stuck on his head.

66
00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:32,604
- What?
- What?

67
00:04:32,772 --> 00:04:35,524
Joey got a turkey stuck on his head?

68
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,109
Hey, it's not like it sounds.

69
00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,361
It's exactly like it sounds.

70
00:04:46,619 --> 00:04:48,078
JOEY:
Hello?

71
00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:51,748
Hello?

72
00:04:54,210 --> 00:04:56,461
JOEY: Phoebe?
- Joey?

73
00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,630
What's going on?

74
00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:00,757
[PHOEBE GASPS]

75
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:02,801
Oh, my God.

76
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,344
JOEY:
I know.

77
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,596
It's stuck.

78
00:05:08,182 --> 00:05:10,892
PHOEBE:
Step. How did it get on?

79
00:05:11,060 --> 00:05:13,645
I put it on to scare Chandler.

80
00:05:13,813 --> 00:05:17,316
Oh, my God.
Monica's going to totally freak out.

81
00:05:17,483 --> 00:05:18,984
JOEY:
Well, then help me get it off.

82
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:21,945
Plus, it smells really bad in here.

83
00:05:22,530 --> 00:05:26,825
Of course it smells really bad.
You have your head up a dead animal.

84
00:05:27,618 --> 00:05:29,202
[KEYS JINGLE]

85
00:05:32,915 --> 00:05:35,125
- Hey.
- Hey.

86
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,670
Hey, did you get the turkey...?
Oh, my God!

87
00:05:38,838 --> 00:05:40,505
Oh, my God!

88
00:05:40,923 --> 00:05:42,466
Who is that?

89
00:05:42,633 --> 00:05:44,384
JOEY:
It's Joey.

90
00:05:45,261 --> 00:05:47,512
What are you doing?
Is this supposed to be funny?

91
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,058
No, it's not supposed to be funny.
It's supposed to be scary.

92
00:05:52,143 --> 00:05:53,435
Get that off now.

93
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,520
JOEY:
I can't. It's stuck.

94
00:05:55,688 --> 00:05:58,190
Well, I don't care.
That turkey has to feed 20 people.

95
00:05:58,358 --> 00:06:00,400
They're not going to eat it off your head.

96
00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:04,696
Hold on, okay? Let's just all think.

97
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,411
Okay, I got it. Phoebe?

98
00:06:11,579 --> 00:06:12,954
All right. You pull.

99
00:06:13,122 --> 00:06:15,582
I'm gonna spread the legs
as wide as I can.

100
00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:17,542
[JOEY LAUGHING]

101
00:06:18,669 --> 00:06:21,463
- Joey, now is not the time.
JOEY: Yeah. Sorry. Right, sorry.

102
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:25,342
Okay, count to three. One, two...

103
00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,010
...three.

104
00:06:27,178 --> 00:06:28,678
[CHANDLER YELLS]

105
00:06:30,264 --> 00:06:34,267
JOEY:
It worked. I scared you. I knew it. Ha, ha!

106
00:06:35,895 --> 00:06:39,147
- I'm over here, big guy.
JOEY: Yeah, you are. Ha, ha!

107
00:06:39,315 --> 00:06:42,526
I scared you. Whoo!

108
00:06:43,361 --> 00:06:44,444
[CHUCKLES]

109
00:06:44,612 --> 00:06:46,780
You did look like an idiot.

110
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,534
Hey, I wasn't the only one
who looked like an idiot, all right?

111
00:06:51,285 --> 00:06:53,912
Remember when Ross tried to say
"butternut squash"...

112
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:57,499
...and it came out, "squatternut bosh"?

113
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:58,834
[LAUGHING]

114
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:02,170
Yeah, that's the same.

115
00:07:04,006 --> 00:07:05,799
That's it. That's my worst Thanksgiving.

116
00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:08,760
Oh, wait. That can't be the one
that Rachel was talking about...

117
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:11,388
...because she didn't even know
that that happened.

118
00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:13,723
- So, what's yours?
CHANDLER: What was it?

119
00:07:13,891 --> 00:07:16,351
Um, I really don't wanna tell this story.

120
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:17,519
Oh, come on, Monica.

121
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:21,648
Reliving past pain and getting depressed
is what Thanksgiving's all about.

122
00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:25,735
You know, for me, anyway.
And, of course, the Indians.

123
00:07:27,363 --> 00:07:30,240
Look, of all people,
you do not want me to tell this story.

124
00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:32,200
What is that supposed to mean?

125
00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:33,410
[DOORBELL RINGS]

126
00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:35,454
Monica, I think Rachel's here.

127
00:07:35,621 --> 00:07:37,205
MONICA:
I'll get it.

128
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,965
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Not for me.

129
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,758
Chip and I broke up.

130
00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:51,178
Oh. Why?

131
00:07:51,345 --> 00:07:52,554
Well, what happened?

132
00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:55,932
You know how my parents are out of town,
and Chip was gonna come over?

133
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,643
Yeah, yeah. And you were
gonna give him, you know...

134
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,437
...your "flower."

135
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,356
Okay, Monica, can you just call it sex?

136
00:08:03,524 --> 00:08:06,610
It really creeps me out
when you call it that.

137
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,153
Okay, and by the way...

138
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:12,073
...while we're at it, a guy's thing
is not called his "tenderness."

139
00:08:15,119 --> 00:08:16,995
Believe me.

140
00:08:18,706 --> 00:08:20,582
- Hi.
BOTH: Hi, Rachel.

141
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,876
RACHEL: Happy Thanksgiving.
JUDY: You too, sweetheart.

142
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:24,628
Hey.

143
00:08:24,795 --> 00:08:27,047
JACK:
Oh. Hi.

144
00:08:29,550 --> 00:08:30,884
Uh, everyone...

145
00:08:31,052 --> 00:08:33,178
...this is Chandler.

146
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:37,390
My roommate
and lead singer of our band. Heh.

147
00:08:39,435 --> 00:08:40,435
Ross?

148
00:08:40,603 --> 00:08:42,437
Oh. This is Monica.

149
00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:44,981
Hi, I'm Ross' little sister.

150
00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:47,400
Okay.

151
00:08:49,487 --> 00:08:51,613
I'm so glad you could come, Chandler.

152
00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:53,949
We've got plenty of food,
so I hope you're hungry.

153
00:08:54,116 --> 00:08:56,243
Oh, Mom, no, no,
Chandler hates Thanksgiving...

154
00:08:56,410 --> 00:08:58,411
...and doesn't eat any Thanksgiving food.

155
00:08:58,579 --> 00:09:02,165
Oh. Well, I'm so glad
you brought him here, then.

156
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,626
Hey, Chandler, um...

157
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:07,629
If you want, I can make you some
macaroni and cheese for dinner.

158
00:09:07,797 --> 00:09:09,798
As long as the Pilgrims didn't eat it,
then I'm in.

159
00:09:10,091 --> 00:09:11,508
[LAUGHS THEN CHOKES]

160
00:09:14,136 --> 00:09:15,720
Damn it.

161
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:25,647
So, uh, Rach...

162
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:28,650
Does it...? Does it feel weird
around here now?

163
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:31,695
You know,
since I've been away at college?

164
00:09:31,862 --> 00:09:33,113
Oh.

165
00:09:33,281 --> 00:09:34,281
No, not really.

166
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:37,367
That's cool.

167
00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:39,327
So...

168
00:09:43,124 --> 00:09:49,129
Ugh! I cannot believe Chip dumped me
for that slut, Nancy Branson.

169
00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:50,880
I am never going out with him again.

170
00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:53,592
I don't care how much he begs.

171
00:09:53,801 --> 00:09:56,845
I think his begging days are over,
now that he's with Nancy Branson.

172
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:01,808
You know what?
I've just had it with high-school boys.

173
00:10:01,976 --> 00:10:03,602
They're just silly.

174
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:06,855
They're just silly, stupid boys.

175
00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:08,398
I'm gonna start dating men.

176
00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:11,943
Uh, I'm sorry, Judy.

177
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:15,780
I couldn't find that bowl
you and Jack were looking for.

178
00:10:18,242 --> 00:10:20,619
Call them Mom and Dad, you loser.

179
00:10:22,705 --> 00:10:23,830
Monica.

180
00:10:29,086 --> 00:10:30,545
Hey, Chandler?

181
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:36,217
Did you like
the macaroni and cheese?

182
00:10:36,385 --> 00:10:38,428
Oh, yeah. It was great.
You should be a chef.

183
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:40,764
Okay.

184
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:45,935
Guess what.

185
00:10:46,103 --> 00:10:49,314
All this stuff about Nancy Branson
being a slut was all a rumor.

186
00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:52,859
Chip dumped her, and he wants
to come over to my house tonight.

187
00:10:53,027 --> 00:10:55,403
- Oh, that is so great.
RACHEL: I know.

188
00:10:55,571 --> 00:10:58,406
Oh, gosh. Listen,
if you and Chip do it tonight...

189
00:10:58,574 --> 00:11:01,368
...um, promise me
you'll tell me everything?

190
00:11:01,535 --> 00:11:05,413
Oh, totally, totally. It's not that big a deal.
We already kind of did it once, you know.

191
00:11:05,581 --> 00:11:08,917
I know, but this time you're gonna
definitely know whether or not you did it.

192
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,335
I know.

193
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:15,590
Oh, and Chip promised that this time
it would last at least for an entire song.

194
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:20,512
So I'm thinking of asking
Rachel out tonight.

195
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:23,223
You know, maybe playing her that song
we wrote last week.

196
00:11:23,391 --> 00:11:26,059
- "Emotional Knapsack"? Right on.
- Right on.

197
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:31,606
Oh, uh, but don't take long, okay?
Because we're testing our fake ID's tonight.

198
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:33,775
Right, Clifford Alvarez?

199
00:11:35,611 --> 00:11:38,488
Listen, Roland Cheng...

200
00:11:39,281 --> 00:11:42,325
...if things go well,
I may be out with her all night.

201
00:11:42,993 --> 00:11:44,786
Dude, don't do that to me.

202
00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,497
Oh, no. It's cool, you can stay here.
My parents won't mind.

203
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:50,709
It's not that. I don't wanna be stuck here
all night with your fat sister.

204
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:52,168
Hey.

205
00:11:55,506 --> 00:11:57,549
Monica, why don't you finish off
these pies?

206
00:11:57,717 --> 00:12:00,135
I don't have any more room in the fridge.

207
00:12:02,304 --> 00:12:03,596
No.

208
00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:06,182
No, thank you.

209
00:12:06,350 --> 00:12:07,767
Well, Judy, you did it.

210
00:12:07,935 --> 00:12:10,478
She's finally full.

211
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,067
I called you fat?

212
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:18,611
- I don't even remember that.
- Well, I do.

213
00:12:19,071 --> 00:12:22,615
I'm so sorry. I really am.
But, come on, I was an idiot back then.

214
00:12:22,783 --> 00:12:25,535
I rushed the stage at a Wham! Concert,
for crying out loud.

215
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,664
Oh, I can't believe you called her fat.

216
00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:33,084
I can't believe you let
George Michael slap you.

217
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:35,879
I am really sorry.

218
00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:39,340
That is so terrible. I'm so, so sorry.

219
00:12:39,508 --> 00:12:42,260
Actually, that's not the Thanksgiving
I was talking about.

220
00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:45,138
- Yes, it was.
- No, it wasn't. It was actually...

221
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:47,056
Thanksgiving's over.
Get ready for Christmas.

222
00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:48,558
Who wants to get a Christmas tree?

223
00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:53,146
Oh, no. I have the cutest Christmas story.

224
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:55,190
We wanna hear Monica's
Thanksgiving story.

225
00:12:55,357 --> 00:12:57,942
Fine, all right. Mine had a dwarf
that got broke in half.

226
00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,069
But, you know, whatever.

227
00:13:01,489 --> 00:13:04,449
So, Rachel, your mom tells me
you changed your major again?

228
00:13:04,700 --> 00:13:05,950
Oh, yeah, I had to.

229
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:09,245
There was never any parking
by the Psychology building.

230
00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,581
- Hi, Rachel.
- Oh, hi.

231
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:14,667
- Wow. Love your new nose.
- Jack.

232
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:17,420
What? Dr. Wolfson's an artist.

233
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,005
He removed my mole cluster.

234
00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:20,590
Want to see?

235
00:13:20,758 --> 00:13:21,925
[DOORBELL RINGS]

236
00:13:22,092 --> 00:13:24,010
No, God. Please, let me.

237
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,808
- Hey.
- Hey.

238
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:35,104
- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Hi.

239
00:13:35,773 --> 00:13:37,607
God, your hair sure is different.

240
00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:39,526
Yeah, we were just talking about that.

241
00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:42,445
Can't we can't believe
how stupid we used to look.

242
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:47,283
So, uh, where's Monica?

243
00:13:47,451 --> 00:13:49,285
She's upstairs. Monica.

244
00:13:49,453 --> 00:13:51,204
Come down, everyone's here.

245
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:55,208
Ross, Rachel and the boy
who hates Thanksgiving.

246
00:13:58,712 --> 00:13:59,921
Hi, Chandler.

247
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:02,131
Oh, my God.

248
00:14:02,883 --> 00:14:04,592
What's the matter?

249
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:07,220
Is there something on my dress?

250
00:14:09,306 --> 00:14:11,933
You just... You look so different. Terrific.

251
00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:13,685
That dress, that body...

252
00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,186
- Dude.
- Sorry.

253
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:19,148
Yes, yes, Monica is thin. It's wonderful.

254
00:14:19,316 --> 00:14:22,652
But what we really want to hear about
is Ross' new girlfriend.

255
00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:25,196
Oh, Mom... Okay.

256
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:27,490
Um, ahem, her name is Carol...

257
00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,701
...and she's really pretty and smart.

258
00:14:29,869 --> 00:14:33,204
And, uh, she's on the lacrosse team
and the golf team.

259
00:14:33,372 --> 00:14:34,914
Can you believe it?

260
00:14:35,082 --> 00:14:37,000
She plays for both teams.

261
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:42,714
So, Chandler,
I guess I'll see you at dinner.

262
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,050
- Dude.
- Sorry.

263
00:14:47,344 --> 00:14:48,553
Oh, my God.

264
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:50,305
That was so awesome.

265
00:14:50,472 --> 00:14:52,599
You totally got him back
for calling you fat.

266
00:14:52,766 --> 00:14:54,517
He was just drooling all over you.

267
00:14:54,685 --> 00:14:57,312
- That must have felt so great.
- Well, it didn't.

268
00:14:57,479 --> 00:14:59,063
What?

269
00:14:59,231 --> 00:15:01,357
Yeah, I mean, I look great.

270
00:15:01,525 --> 00:15:04,235
And yeah, I feel great, and, yeah,
my heart's not in trouble anymore.

271
00:15:04,403 --> 00:15:06,029
Blah, blah, blah.

272
00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:08,907
I just don't feel like I got him back,
you know?

273
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,242
I mean, I just want to humiliate him.

274
00:15:11,410 --> 00:15:13,119
I want him to be, like, naked...

275
00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:16,039
...and I want to point at him
and I wanna laugh.

276
00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:20,627
Okay. That, we may be able to do.

277
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:22,754
How?

278
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:26,716
Well, guys tend to get naked
before they're gonna have sex.

279
00:15:26,884 --> 00:15:30,428
What? I mean, I didn't work this hard
and lose all this weight...

280
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:34,057
...just so I could give my flower
to someone like him.

281
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:38,269
Okay, first of all, if you keep calling it that,
no one is ever gonna take it.

282
00:15:38,437 --> 00:15:42,106
And then second of all, you're not gonna
actually have sex with him.

283
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:44,525
You're just gonna make him think
that you are.

284
00:15:45,694 --> 00:15:47,570
- Yeah.
- Yeah.

285
00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:49,030
And then when he's naked...

286
00:15:49,198 --> 00:15:51,032
...I can throw him out, lock the door...

287
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:53,743
...and all our neighbors
will just humiliate him.

288
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:56,329
And then you will definitely
get him back.

289
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,665
Okay, so how do I make him think
I want to have sex?

290
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,917
Uh, Oh! Here's what you do.

291
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:05,546
Just act like everything around you
turns you on.

292
00:16:08,050 --> 00:16:10,802
- What do you mean?
- Well, like, anything can be sexy.

293
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:14,681
Like, um... Oh, okay. Like this dish towel.

294
00:16:14,848 --> 00:16:17,850
Ooh, ooh.

295
00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:21,729
This feels so good against my cheek.

296
00:16:21,897 --> 00:16:25,608
And if I get a little hot,
I can just dab myself with it.

297
00:16:26,610 --> 00:16:30,113
Or I can bring it down to my side
and maybe run it through my fingers...

298
00:16:30,280 --> 00:16:31,781
...while I talk to him.

299
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:34,909
- I can do that.
- Okay, good, good, good.

300
00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:36,744
Get busy. He's coming. He's coming.

301
00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,706
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey.

302
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:44,460
I was wondering if you could make me
some mac and cheese...

303
00:16:44,628 --> 00:16:46,087
...like last year?

304
00:16:47,297 --> 00:16:48,923
I'd love to.

305
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:55,388
Ooh.

306
00:16:55,556 --> 00:16:58,099
I love macaroni and cheese.

307
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:03,896
I love the way this box feels
against my cheek.

308
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:12,530
- Okay.
- Ooh, and I love carrots.

309
00:17:12,698 --> 00:17:13,948
Oh!

310
00:17:16,326 --> 00:17:19,579
Sometimes I like to put them
between my fingers.

311
00:17:21,331 --> 00:17:22,915
Like this.

312
00:17:23,083 --> 00:17:26,002
And hold them down here
while I talk to you.

313
00:17:30,632 --> 00:17:33,259
Um, and, you know, if I get really hot...

314
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:37,138
...um, I like to pick up this knife.

315
00:17:37,431 --> 00:17:42,769
And, um, I put the cool steel...

316
00:17:42,936 --> 00:17:44,604
...against, um...

317
00:17:45,272 --> 00:17:47,023
...my body.

318
00:17:49,151 --> 00:17:50,902
Are you all right?

319
00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:53,279
I'm fine.

320
00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:09,712
- What do got?
- Twenty-year-old male.

321
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:12,090
He's got a severed toe on his right foot.

322
00:18:12,257 --> 00:18:13,508
Ow!

323
00:18:14,718 --> 00:18:16,844
Could you please not do that feet first?

324
00:18:17,012 --> 00:18:20,389
You know where his injury is.
Severed toe, you just said it!

325
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:24,393
It says here the knife
went right through your shoe.

326
00:18:24,561 --> 00:18:26,979
Of course it did. They're made of wicker.

327
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,273
- Did you bring the toe?
- Oh, yes.

328
00:18:29,441 --> 00:18:31,609
I have it right here on ice.

329
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,655
Don't worry, son.
We'll just reattach it and then...

330
00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:38,908
- What is it?
- You brought a carrot.

331
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,620
- What?
- This isn't your toe.

332
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:46,040
This is a small, very cold piece of carrot.

333
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:48,376
You brought a carrot?

334
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:50,336
Oh, my God.

335
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:52,588
There's a toe in my kitchen.

336
00:18:54,591 --> 00:18:56,300
God, I'm sorry. I'll go back and get it.

337
00:18:56,468 --> 00:18:58,469
It's too late.
All we can do is sew up the wound.

338
00:18:58,637 --> 00:19:00,930
- Without my toe? I need my toe.
MONICA: Okay.

339
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:04,433
No, no, no. I can go really fast.
Dad, give me the keys to your Porsche.

340
00:19:04,601 --> 00:19:06,978
Oh, I'm not falling for that one.

341
00:19:08,689 --> 00:19:11,524
That's why I lost my toe?
Because I called you fat?

342
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:16,279
I didn't mean to cut it off.
It was an accident.

343
00:19:16,446 --> 00:19:20,116
That's why for an entire year
people called me Sir Limps-a-lot?

344
00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:22,827
I'm sorry.

345
00:19:23,871 --> 00:19:25,288
It wasn't your whole toe.

346
00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:27,623
Yeah, well, I miss the tip.

347
00:19:27,791 --> 00:19:28,958
It's the best part.

348
00:19:30,502 --> 00:19:31,794
It has the nail.

349
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:35,590
MONICA:
Chandler...

350
00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:38,551
Sir Limps-a-lot.

351
00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:40,761
I came up with that.

352
00:19:43,223 --> 00:19:44,891
You're a dork.

353
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:49,478
- I can't believe this.
- Chandler, I said I was sorry.

354
00:19:49,646 --> 00:19:53,649
Yeah, well, "sorry" doesn't bring back
the little piggy that cried all the way home.

355
00:19:54,985 --> 00:19:58,487
I hate this stupid day
and everything about it.

356
00:19:58,655 --> 00:20:00,615
- I'll see you later.
- Wait, Chandler.

357
00:20:00,782 --> 00:20:02,158
Come here.

358
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:05,119
Is there anything I can do? Anything?

359
00:20:05,829 --> 00:20:09,081
Yeah, just leave me alone
for a little while.

360
00:20:14,296 --> 00:20:15,296
[QUACKING]

361
00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:18,925
Oh, I'm a duck. I go quack-quack.
I'm happy all the time.

362
00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:20,593
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

363
00:20:30,395 --> 00:20:31,520
Nice try.

364
00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:33,522
MONICA:
Wait, wait, wait.

365
00:20:36,526 --> 00:20:37,735
- Look, Monica...
- Look.

366
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:43,699
This is not gonna work.

367
00:20:43,867 --> 00:20:45,660
I bet this will work.

368
00:20:49,206 --> 00:20:50,581
[CHUCKLES]

369
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:56,754
You're so great. I love you.

370
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:07,765
What?

371
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:11,852
Nothing. I said you're so great,
and then I just stopped talking.

372
00:21:13,563 --> 00:21:15,815
MONICA: You said you loved me.
I can't believe this.

373
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:17,108
No, I didn't.

374
00:21:18,944 --> 00:21:21,404
- Yes, you did.
- No, I didn't.

375
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,823
MONICA:
You love me.

376
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:26,993
No, I don't. Stop it, stop it, stop it.

377
00:21:27,577 --> 00:21:29,203
[YELLS]

378
00:21:37,045 --> 00:21:39,046
[GUNFIRE AND BOMBS EXPLODING]

379
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:41,674
[IN FRENCH ACCENT]
Gauze!

380
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:45,261
Gauze!
I need to get some gauze in here!

381
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:48,931
Can I please get some more gauze?

382
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:01,360
This is getting ridiculous.

383
00:22:07,492 --> 00:22:09,493
[English - US - SDH]