- Hi. - Hey.
So, what's the final head count on my baby shower?
About 20. A couple people from work who had something else to do.
Also, your sisters called, neither can make it.
What? You mean they're not coming to a social event...
...where there's no men and no booze? That's shocking.
Well, I don't care. As long as my mom's here.
- Oh, my God. Your mother. - What, my mom's not gonna be here?
Well, given that we forgot to invite her...
...it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.
Oh, my God.
Well, it wasn't my fault. Phoebe was in charge of the invitations.
Well, I don't have a mother. So often I forget other people--
Oh, give it a rest.
So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?
No.
Neither is mine.
You know what? Don't worry.
Okay? We'll take care of it. We'll call her. You go home and get ready.
Please make sure she comes. It's really important to me. It's my mom.
- I know. What's her number? - I don't know.
Go. I have it in my book. Go.
Wait a minute. If you're in charge of invitations, why am I calling her?
Hello, Mrs. Green. Hi, uh, it's Monica Geller.
- Oh, hello, Monica. MONICA: Hi.
Um, I know this is last-minute, but we've decided to throw an impromptu...
-...baby shower for Rachel today. - I know. My daughters told me about it...
...when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.
- Okay, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. SANDRA: For what, dear?
For not inviting me, or for lying about it?
Oh, my God. My ass is sweating.
Please, please, can you come? It's today at 4.
- Well, all right. I'll see you at 4. - Thank you.
- Isn't it at 3? - Son of a bitch.
[DOOR OPENS]
- Hey, Joe. Wanna shoot some hoops? JOEY: Hey.
No, I can't go, I'm practicing. I got an audition to be the host of a game show.
- Cool. - Great.
Yeah, and if I get it, by day, I'll be Dr. Drake Ramoray.
[IN EMBELLISHED VOICE] But by night, I'll be Joey Tribbiani.
You'll be perfect for this. That's already your name.
The audition's in a couple hours, and I don't even understand the game.
Do you want some help?
Oh, really? That'd be great. Hey, you guys can be the contestants.
Awesome.
Okay, I guess we can lose to junior-high girls some other time.
- All right. Let's play Bamboozled. - Bamboozled?
Isn't that a cool name?
ROSS: Yeah. CHANDLER: No.
All right. Uh, okay. Our first contestant is Ross Geller.
Why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself, Ross?
Well, uh, I'm a paleontologist. Um, I live in New York.
I have a son, Ben. Uh, hi, Ben. And, uh--
I said a little bit, Ross. Now, how about you, Chandler?
Well, Joey, I'm a headhunter. I hook up out-of-work Soviet scientists...
...with rogue Third World nations. Hi, Rasputin.
Excellent. Let's play Bamboozled. Chandler, you'll go first.
- What is the capital of Colombia? - Bogoté.
It's Bogoda, but close enough.
Now, you can either pass your turn to Ross or pick a Wicked Wango Card.
- What does a Wicked Wango Card do? - I should know that.
Let's see. Just one moment, please, um...
Here we are. A Wicked Wango Card determines whether you go higher or lower.
Higher or lower than what?
- This is embarrassing. - Can you believe how lame this is?
I'm sorry. I don't believe contestants are allowed to talk to each other.
Oh, I told the stripper to be here at 5. That's good, right?
You ordered a stripper for the shower? That is totally inappropriate.
Why? He's gonna be dressed as a baby.
Oh, hi, Mrs. Green. I'm so glad you could make it.
Yes, thank you so much. And again, we're so sorry.
We could not feel worse about it.
Try.
There's my little girl.
- She's still mad. - Yeah, I know.
Isn't it great? One less person we have to make small talk with.
Phoebe, Sandra's mad at you too. It doesn't bother you?
Look, we've apologized twice. I can't do any more than that.
I know you hate it when people are mad at you...
...but, you know, you just have to be okay with it.
Okay. I can do that. Heh.
- I gotta go powder my ass. - Oh.
Look at that face. Just like when you were in high school.
If I didn't know better, I'd say you were a cheerleader in trouble.
- Come on, let's get some tea. - Okay.
Ooh, my. Look at that. Only three weeks to go.
Now, have you picked your nanny yet?
I don't want you to just use your housekeeper...
...because it'll just split her focus.
Oh. Actually, I'm not gonna use a nanny. And, uh, I don't even have a housekeeper.
It's like you're a cave person.
Rachel, you must get a nanny.
You don't know how overwhelming this is gonna be.
When you were a baby, I had full-time help. I had Mrs. K.
Mrs. K. Oh, yeah, she was sweet. She taught me Spanish.
I actually think I remember some of it:
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
- Such a sweet woman. - Yeah.
Well, however great she was, I just can't afford that.
- Oh, Rachel. - What?
I just had the greatest idea. I'm gonna come live with you.
What? What?
Oh, I'm so happy I'm gonna do this for my little girl.
Aw, look at you. You have tears in your eyes.
Yes, yes, I do.
All right, Ross, you're in the lead.
Would you like to take another question, or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
The Wheel has not been my friend tonight, Joey. Uh...
I'll take another question.
Okay. This is gonna be tough. Hold your breath.
It's okay. I'm ready.
No, dude, you gotta hold your breath till you're ready to answer the question.
-It's part of the game. - This is ridiculous. He's not gonna hold--
Okay. What do you have a fear of if you suffer from this phobia? Triska...
Holy cow. That's a big word. Tris...
Seriously, look at this thing, Chandler. How do you say that?
- Let me see that. - This one right here.
[WHIMPERS]
- Triskaidekaphobia. - Fear of Triscuits.
- No. No. Fear of the number 13. - Fear of Triscuits?
It's possible. They have really sharp edges.
All right, Chandler, you're up.
Wait a minute. I believe I'm entitled to use my Angel Pass for a free turn.
- This game makes no sense. - You're just upset because you're losing.
Oh, come on, Ross. I think we're all losers here.
All right. Chandler, you can either spin the Wheel or pick a Google Card.
Let me think, let me think. Oh, uh, I don't care.
You must choose, Mr. Bing.
- Either. It makes no difference. - Choose, you jackass.
- I'll take a card. - Okay, you picked the Gimme Card.
- You get all of Ross' points. - What?
This game is kind of fun.
You don't think it's a little crazy that you get all my points--?
I don't think the contestants are supposed to speak to each other.
- Why did you invite my mother? MONICA: What?
She wants to move in with me and Ross to help take care of the baby.
- For how long? - Eight weeks.
I mean, I love my mother, but, my God, a long lunch with her is taxing.
I personally would be honored if she wanted to live with me.
She can't hear you.
You guys, come on. What am I gonna do?
If you don't want your mother to move in with you, just tell her.
You're right. You're right. I'm about to have a baby.
I can tell my mother that I don't want her to be sleeping on my couch.
Oh, my God. She's gonna wanna sleep in my bed with me. This cannot happen.
That's right. That is right.
You go over there and tell her you do not want her to live with you.
- Do not take no for an answer. - Okay.
This is great. Now she's gonna be mad at Rachel.
And I'm just gonna swoop in there and be like the daughter she never had.
I have new respect for Chandler.
PHOEBE: All right, everybody. It's time to open the presents.
Yes, and I think that the first gift that Rachel opens...
...should be from the grandmother of the baby.
Because you're the most important person in this room. And in the world.
Well, um, I don't have a gift because I wasn't invited until the last minute.
But thank you so much, dear, for bringing that to everybody's attention.
How about you less important people? Let's open your presents.
- Mom, it's okay that you didn't get a gift. - Well, I kind of did.
- Me. Eight weeks of me. - Yeah.
Okay. See, Mom, the truth is, I can do this on my own.
Sweetheart, I know you're gonna be a terrific mom.
I just think you need a little help, especially at the beginning.
But, Mom, I really know what I'm doing. I can handle this.
Really? Remember Twinkles?
He was a hamster. I'm not gonna vacuum up my baby.
Okay, come on, Rach. It's present time.
You know, you're the glue holding this whole party together.
It's kind of falling apart here.
- Ooh, look. RACHEL: Wow.
This is from your friends at work.
Ooh, my gosh. Oh, wow. Oh, I know what this is.
Wait a minute.
That can't be right.
Is that a beer bong for a baby?
Darling, that's a breast pump.
Heh. Did I say I was done guessing? Okay, thank you for that.
Ooh, wow. What's this?
- It's a Diaper Genie. - Oh, it dispenses clean diapers.
No, it's where you put dirty ones.
Well, that's gross. Why don't you just take it outside and throw it in a Dumpster?
- You're gonna do that 10 times a day? - What, it goes 10 times a day?
What are we feeding this baby, Indian food?
No, dear. That's what babies do.
Rachel, listen to your mother. She is very smart.
Plus, what are you planning on doing with the baby while you trot out to the garbage?
I don't know, I'd leave it on the changing table?
[ALL GASP]
- What? What did I do? What did I do? - You can't leave a baby alone.
Of course, I know that.
I mean, of course you never leave a baby alone. Ha, ha.
I mean, it would-- She wouldn't be safe.
You know, not as safe as she would be with me, the baby dummy. Ha, ha.
Okay, you know what? Opening the presents is a little overwhelming right now.
So I think, um, I'm just gonna maybe open them all a little bit later.
But thank you all for coming, and for these beautiful gifts...
-...and this basket is beautiful. - It's actually a bassinet.
Okay, Mommy, don't ever leave me.
In what John Huston film would you hear this line:
"Badges? We don't need no stinking badges."
- Treasure of the Sierra Madre. - Correct.
There's a possible Backwards Bonus.
- Madre Sierra the of Treasure. - Yes.
I'd like to go up the Ladder of Chance to the Golden Mud Hut, please.
- Wise choice. How many rungs? - Six.
[MIMICS MONKEY GIBBERING]
- That noise can only mean one thing. ROSS & CHANDLER: Hungry Monkey.
- I'd like a Wicked Wango Card. - Okay. It's an audio question.
Name this television theme song:
[HUMMING "I DREAM OF JEANNIE" THEME sows]
Oh. Oh, my God. Okay, I know this. Give me a second.
- Tell it to the Time Turtle. - Shut up.
- I Dream of Jeannie. - Yes. Yes, you're back in the lead.
Uh, I'd like to spin the Wheel.
[MIMICS WHEEL SPINNING]
ROSS & CHANDLER: Oh, come on.
Uh, uh, Super Speedy Speed Round.
- Is there a Hopping Bonus? - Of course.
- Who invented bifocals? - Ben Franklin.
Correct. Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?
- Queen Victoria. - Correct again.
But you forgot to switch legs between questions. So no Hopping Bonus.
- Oh! Every time. - Yeah.
- Now over to Chandler. - I'd like a Google Card.
- Are you sure? - Yes. No. Google.
Oh, my God. Congratulations, Ross. Because, Chandler...
-...you've been Bamboozled. - No!
- Yes! - This is the best game ever!
So, um, you're gonna stay with me as long as I need you?
- Of course I am. - Mom, I swear I'm not an idiot.
I read all kinds of books on pregnancy and giving birth.
But I just didn't think to read the part about what to do when the baby comes.
And, guess what, the baby's coming...
...and I don't know what to do. Oh, can I throw up in my Diaper Genie?
Oh, sweetie, you're gonna be fine.
- Wait, where you going? - I'm going to the bathroom.
Now, don't worry. Everything's gonna be okay.
It is gonna be okay.
Worth a shot.
- Hey. PHOEBE: Hey.
Why are you all red and sweaty?
I just Bamboozled Chandler.
Which is not a sexual thing.
- Well, that was a quick shower. - Not if you were here.
Wow, looks like we got a lot of good stuff.
We did. But my mom got us the greatest gift of all.
A Play-Doh Barbershop?
No. She's going to live with us for eight weeks.
What?
Yes. She's gonna help us take care of the baby. Woo-hoo.
You're not serious.
I mean, she's a very nice woman...
...but there's no way we can take eight weeks of her.
- She'll drive us totally crazy-- - Hi, Ross.
Hey, roomie.
Hey, Joey, hi, I'm Ray. I'm the producer of the show.
[IN EMBELLISHED VOICE] It's a pleasure to meet you, Ray.
And this is Duncan and Erin. They're gonna help out with the audition.
So let's get the camera rolling.
- Righty-0, Ray. - Whenever you're ready.
Hello. I'm Joey Tribbiani. Let's play Bamboozled.
Erin, you get the first question. In hockey, who is known as "The Great One"?
- Wayne Gretzky. - Correct.
Now, would you like to pick a Wicked Wango Card or spin the Wheel of Mayhem?
Uh, Joey, didn't your agents give you the revised rules?
We've eliminated all that. No wheel. No cards.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] What? Why?
Well, the game was too complicated and research showed people didn't follow it.
What's complicated? You spin the Wheel of Mayhem to go up the Ladder of Chance...
...past the Mud Hut through the Rainbow Ring to get to the Golden Monkey.
You yank his tail, and boom, you're in Paradise Pond.
Yeah. All that's gone.
Um, it's basically just a simple question-and-answer game now.
Well, what's fun about that?
You expect me to be the host of a boring game...
...that's just people standing around answering questions?
Well, there'll be women in bikinis holding up the scores.
[IN EMBELLISHED VOICE] Let's play Bamboozled.
And all those dinosaur knickknacks you have...
...Ross, I thought they might be more at home in the garage.
- Well, we don't have a garage. - Did I say garage? I meant garbage.
You know what, Mrs. Green? Maybe it's not absolutely vital that you live with us.
- Well, Rachel needs help with the baby. - I do. I really do. I don't know anything.
I'm sure that's not true.
Oh, no? Pheebs, Monica, do I know anything about babies?
- Nope. Not a thing. - Mm-mm. It's frightening.
Well, um, you know what? Even if she doesn't know anything, I do.
I have a son. His mother and I didn't live together.
Whenever he was with me, I took care of him all the time, by myself.
- That's true. You do have another child. - Yeah.
With another woman.
Have you no control, Ross?
That's a different issue.
Um, the point is, when the baby comes, I will be there to feed her...
...and bathe her and change her.
And more than that, I want to do all those things.
Well, then you don't need me to live with you.
Yes!
Yes. You're gonna be so missed.
You're gonna be a great father.
Well, you're gonna be a wonderful grandma.
Hello? I still don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Come on, every first-time mother feels that way.
You're gonna pick it up. Hey, you will. Look, when you first came to the city...
...you were this spoiled, helpless little girl...
...who still used Daddy's credit cards, remember?
I hope you're going somewhere with this.
Look at you. You're this big executive.
You are much more capable than you give yourself credit for.
I have no doubt you're gonna be an incredible mother.
- Really? - I'm telling you.
Thank you.
All right, you two. I'm gonna get going.
ROSS: Oh. - Oh, no, sweetheart, you stay put.
I'll let myself out. It's like I'm not here. Which I almost wasn't.
[LAUGHS]
You're just so funny. You're so funny. What do I do?
Nothing. You have apologized to her like a million times.
And she's been nothing but terrible to you.
And don't forget, you just threw her daughter...
...a lovely, albeit slightly boring, shower.
- And she hasn't even thanked you for it. - You know what? You're right.
Yeah, I mean, if you wanna say anything to her, I'd tell her off.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
Okay, I will.
Mrs. Green?
It is rude to leave a party without saying goodbye to the host.
And also, when someone apologizes to you...
...the decent thing to do is to accept it.
Because what I did to you, it wasn't on purpose.
But what you're doing to me now is plain spiteful.
- Spiteful? MONICA: That's right.
Maybe it's time you took a good, hard look in the mirror, young lady.
Old lady.
Lady.
Wrap it up. Wrap it up. Wrap it up.
So whenever you're ready to apologize to me, I will forgive you. Good day.
I can't feel my legs.
You were fantastic. I'm so proud of you.
- Yeah? I'm proud of me too. - You should be.
- Could you get me something to drink? - You got it.
Mrs. Green? Okay, I'm really sorry. I apologize. If you just-- Aah!
[THUDDING]
MONICA [LISPING]: Okay. I bit my tongue.
But I'm still really sorry.
- Okay, I'm ready. - You sure?
Yes. I've done my studying, and I really know my stuff.
All right, then.
Rachel Green, let's play Bamboozled.
How do you test the temperature of the baby's bathwater?
- Uh, put your elbow in it. - Excellent.
- How do you put a baby down for a nap? - Full, dry, on its back, and no loose covers.
That's correct.
This is an audio question. What do you do when a baby makes this sound:
[MIMICS BABY CRYING]
Uh, check if it's wet, check if it's hungry, burp it.
Excellent. Now, do you want another question or a Wicked Wango Card?
- A card. A card. I pick a card. - Oh, I'm sorry.
You've been Bamboozled. You're gonna be a terrible mother.
I've lost sight of why we're doing this.
[English - US - SDH]