- Oh! Hey, Rach! - Hi.
RACHEL: Happy Valentine's Day! - You too!
Hey, so, uh, how's it going living over at Ross'?
It's good, except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long.
Did you know that something really boring...
...happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages?
- Thank you. See you guys later. - Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
That is one lucky to-go cup of coffee.
Oh, honey.
I wish you'd get over her. I hate seeing you like this.
Is there anything I can do for you? Do you wanna look down my top?
Thanks. Maybe later.
- Oh, Gunther, can I get a scone? - You want anything?
You know what I want? I want a lot of things.
I wanna be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day!
I want her to love me back.
And I want one moment of relief...
...from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that's never gonna happen!
We have red bagels.
Okay.
So how does Mona feel about you and Rachel living together?
I'm on my way to tell her right now.
She's been away all week visiting parents, but she'll be cool.
She's been so supportive.
She even got the baby a tiny T-shirt that says, "Fossils are my friends."
Ugh, come on, Mona. Don't kiss ass.
- So, uh, I'm gonna take off. - All right.
Oh, shoot! Oh, shoot! Uh, Rachel wanted to see this tape.
- What is it? - A video of my friend giving birth.
- Could you bring it back to your apartment? - All right.
"Candy and Cookie"?
Yeah, Candy's the mother, Cookie's the daughter.
The father's name is also Cookie.
Why am I friends with these people?
Phoebe, come here. I wanna show you something in the bathroom.
Ugh, Monica, grow up.
- What do you got behind your back? - Nothing.
Just something I want Phoebe's opinion on for Valentine's Day.
- You don't want my opinion? - Not really.
Come on, I'm your older brother. Ask me.
Oh, okay, big brother. Um...
Which one would make your little sister look hotter...
...so your best friend would want to do her?
The red one.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Hey. - Mm.
I know you've been depressed lately, so I brought someone to cheer you up.
Right outside this door is a real, live, furry playmate.
No, I'm not sleeping with your friend Jane again.
PHOEBE: Hee-hee! - Hey, a dog! Oh, hi!
Who, you gotta admit, looks a lot like Jane.
This is the happiest dog in the world. I borrowed him from my friend Wendy.
So you can keep him until he cheers you up. And he will cheer you up.
Thanks so much, Pheebs.
We are gonna have so much fun! Yes we are!
Oh, not that kind of fun.
- Happy Valentine's! MONICA: Hey!
I'll be right out.
I'm slipping into something a little less comfortable and a little more slutty.
"Candy and Cookie"?
Monica got me porn?
Girl-on-girl porn?
She really must love me!
[WOMAN ON TV MOANS]
MAN [ON TV]: Yeah, just relax. - I love you, St. Valentine.
[WOMAN GROANING]
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
Whoa, whoa, that's not pretty.
MAN: Now push! WOMAN: Unh!
Ow! Oh, God, it hurts!
Worst porn ever! Worst porn ever!
WOMAN: Oh, make it stop! - I am trying!
Get the ball. Ready? Get the ball!
You're cute, but you're not too smart.
Yeah. Did I just throw this?
- Hi. - Hi.
I accidentally packed these with my stuff.
- Who is this? - That's, uh, Phoebe's friend's dog.
I don't know his real name. I call him Mozzarella.
Ohh, you are so cute. I wish I could play with you more, but I've gotta go to work.
I hope I stop talking like this before my marketing meeting. Yes, I do.
Bye-bye, Joey. Seriously, I can't stop it.
Come here! Hey!
Hey. That's Rachel. She's the one who used to live here.
Might as well be honest with you. We love her.
But we can't have her. No.
I really miss her.
Hey, you understand, right? You're a guy.
Well, you used to be.
So, what do you think?
I've still got it.
- Why did you get me this? - What is it?
It's yelling, bleeding, dilating.
Oh, the dilating!
Is this the video of the baby being born? This is Phoebe's.
Why were you even watching it?
I thought maybe you got me porn for Valentine's Day.
Chandler, if you thought I was gonna get you porn for Valentine's Day...
...you were right.
Apparently, it's about a girl who moves to the city in search of stardom...
...but ends up having sex with a lot of guys.
It got four stars.
Oh, wait a minute. Those aren't stars.
- Anyway, you wanna take a look? - Well...
- I'm not really in a sexy mood right now. - Hey, what's going on?
Well, remember the first time you saw Jaws...
...how long it took to go back in the water?
Chandler, we can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day.
- You don't know. You didn't see it. - Childbirth is a natural thing. It's beautiful.
Oh, beautiful? Really? Huh, really?
You think this is beautiful?
[WOMAN SCREAMING ON TV]
Oh, my God! No wonder my mother hates me!
- See, honey, there's... - Don't touch me!
- Hi! - Hey!
- Hi. - Hi.
- So how was Atlantic City? - Good.
- I brought you back a present. - What...?
Come on, you didn't have to...
- Saltwater taffy? - Ha-ha-ha.
- Thanks. - Mm.
It's interesting, most people think this is made with seawater.
But it's actually made with, uh, salted fresh water.
That's not interesting.
- I think it's interesting. - I do too. I missed you!
- Me too. How was your week? - Oh, it was good.
- Actually, the baby started kicking. - How exciting.
Yeah, aw. It was amazing.
The only sad thing is, I wasn't around when it happened the first time.
- Oh, no. - I was missing out on all this stuff.
- Joey suggested Rachel move in with me. - Ha, ha. Yeah, right.
- What? - Joey cracks me up.
"Yeah, have your ex-wife move in. That wouldn't be awkward at all." Heh.
Huh. Heh.
Hey, imagine, I go away for a few days...
...I come back and my boyfriend is living with some woman he got pregnant.
[LAUGHING]
So, what'd you tell him?
[MUMBLES]
How could you not tell Mona that Rachel is living with you?
I don't know. She seemed to think it was such a crazy idea.
Plus, she, uh... She got me taffy.
- Taffy, really? I've never had any. - Ever?
My mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats.
Thank you.
So are you just never gonna tell her?
No, no, I will. I just want to butter her up first.
I'm gonna take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner...
...do all this romantic stuff.
And then, when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world...
...then I tell her my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
If I haven't said it before, she's a lucky, lucky lady.
So where are...? What the mother of crap is up with this stuff?
God, is it gum? Is it food? What's the deal?
Oh, it's nice. May I try a pink one?
So between her and me being friends, and her history with Ross...
...it just isn't gonna happen.
It'd be like you falling in love with a cat.
- Hey. JOEY: Hey.
Hey, buddy. How's my favorite dog, huh? How's my favorite dog?
You're subdued.
- Did you give him a beer? - No.
- Will you excuse us? We need to talk. - Sure.
Oh, me, right.
- He's miserable. What happened to him? - Nothing.
- We just talked about stuff. - What stuff?
Rachel stuff.
Oh, Joey, you bummed him out! This is the happiest dog in the world.
He spends a day with you, and look at him.
He's breathing.
- I'll take him back to Wendy's. - No, no, no. He's fine.
Hey, look. Look.
Here's your ball! Get the ball!
Get your ball! Get your ball! Get your ball!
Get... God, what have I done to you? Huh?
I broke the dog, Pheebs! I broke the dog!
I'm, uh, going to pick up Mona. What you got going on tonight?
Oh, I've got big Valentine's plans.
I've got Chinese food on the way, and the rest of your saltwater taffy.
It's interesting. Most people think that's made with seawater, when in fact...
Ross, we actually watched the documentary together.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Oh, my Chinese food. I'll get my cash.
Mona?
- What are...? Hi! - Hi.
What are you doing here? I'm supposed to pick you up.
Change of plans, I made you a Valentine's dinner. Surprise!
[SCREAMS]
- Oh! Hey, Mona! - Hi... Hi, Rachel.
What's she doing here?
I have no idea.
I'll be watching TV if anybody needs me.
Seriously, what is she doing?
Uh, you know, lately she just likes hanging out here.
- Why? - I think she's lonely.
- But it's Valentine's Day. - I know.
Can't we ask her to go?
Well, no, she's way too emotional.
And by emotional, I mean crazy!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'm not here! That's just my Chinese food.
Oh, my God, she has food delivered here?
Mm-hm, yes, she's emotional, but ballsy.
You know what? I'm gonna get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
And you thought she was gonna be in our way!
Okay, why don't you, uh, open the champagne, and I will be right back.
- I've got a surprise for you. - You got another ex-wife back there?
Ho, oh! Heh. Please start drinking.
- I'm just gonna grab the phone. - Oh, Rachel, wait. Hey, um...
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but, um...
- What are you doing? - Sorry, do you need the phone?
No. No.
Listen, Ross is too nice to say anything, but this is his apartment.
And we gotta have some boundaries.
So why don't you go to your place and give us some privacy?
But, Mona, I live here.
Happy Valentine's Day!
Or, something to remember me by.
- How long has it been this time? - Ninety seconds.
That's better. Ninety seconds is a long time not to think about it.
Except all I did was think about it.
I know. It haunts me.
Up until now, the worst thing I ever saw...
...was my father doing tequila shots off the naked houseboy.
After this, I would gladly make that my screen saver.
We have to get past this.
Why don't we get rid of the tape and pretend it never existed.
- I could do that. - Okay.
Okay, now all we gotta do is get rid of this chair.
Come here.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Oh, thank God! - Oi.
Come in!
Hi. I'm sorry to barge in on your Valentine.
I had to get away from the yelling. Mona is dumping Ross.
- Oh, my God. - Poor Ross.
Oh, great. We have to watch him do yoga in his underwear...
...but for this he closes the drapes.
Rach, you know that birthing tape you wanted to see?
RACHEL: Mm-hm. - It's here.
Oh, and we should warn you before you watch it. Don't watch it.
Why, you saw it? Is it scary?
Let's just say it's ironic how footage of someone being born...
...can make you want to kill yourself.
Now, wait, now I'm all freaked out. You guys will watch it with me?
No, but I will leave a sweater that smells like me right next to you.
Come on, seriously, you're not gonna make me watch this alone.
She's right. Of course not.
Honey, get the tape.
This reminds me of a very specific part of the tape.
Okay. Here we go.
Okay. Ahem.
[WOMAN ON TV MOANS]
Oh, my.
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
MAN: All right, baby. One more time.
Why is that baby torturing that woman?
Why have I seen this thing three times?
It's still beautiful.
- Aah! It's horrible! - I know, I know!
- I'm so sorry for you! - Oh, my God!
- You guys! You guys, look! - What? Did her ass explode?
[BABY CRYING ON TV]
No, the baby's out. Look. Look.
Look at those little fingers and toes.
And look how happy the mom is now.
- Oh, Rach. - Screw you! You don't have to do it!
- Hey. - Hey! What...
- What's up? - Uh, Mona just dumped me.
Oh, man, I'm sorry. Why?
With everything going on lately, I haven't exactly been the perfect boyfriend.
I didn't tell her I got Rachel pregnant.
I gave her a key to my apartment and then had the locks changed.
Then I lied to her about Rachel moving in with me.
In a way, I judge her for not breaking up with me sooner.
That really sucks. Especially on Valentine's Day.
Yeah. Wait a minute. What are you doing here?
Joey Tribbiani without a date on Valentine's Day?
What's going on, huh? Girl trouble? Heh.
- Sort of. Ha, ha. - Really?
You don't have to seem so happy about it.
- Sorry. Well, uh, maybe I can help. - Oh, I...
Whatever it is, I am sure it has happened to me.
You know, actually, once I got dumped during sex.
- So anyway, uh, what is it? - Forget about it. It's no big deal.
- Come on, what is it? - It's nothing.
Hey, it's me. Why can't you tell me?
Okay. Uh, sit down. Um...
There's this woman that I like a lot.
But, uh, it can't happen.
She's not a Tribbiani?
No!
So, uh... So is she someone from work?
Yes.
Well, um, does she like you?
Sometimes I think maybe she could.
But it doesn't matter, I can't do anything about it.
Why not?
It's complicated.
She was with this other guy. For a long time.
Someone from work too.
And, uh...
I could never do that to the guy. We're friends.
So, uh, this guy she used to go out with, is he still in love with her?
- No, I don't think so. - Okay.
Is he a good guy?
Yeah, he's the best.
- Then talk to him. He might be fine. - I don't know.
It's worth finding out, if you really like her.
I do, so much.
I can't stop thinking about her. I can't sleep...
Okay, Joey, you know what? You have to go for it.
How often does this happen to you? You owe it to yourself.
Here's your warm milk.
I'm gonna put the bourbon in it at home.
Yeah.
Anyway, seriously, just talk to the guy, okay?
Let me know how it goes.
It's Rachel.
RACHEL: You're gonna have a baby and you need to be prepared.
You're gonna make yourself watch the whole thing. Just do it!
WOMAN [ON TV]: Heh, I came to the big city to become a star.
- I'll do anything to make that happen. MAN [ON TV]: Anything?
RACHEL: Hmm. Maybe it starts with how she gets pregnant.
[English - US - SDH]