- Hey, guys... - Wait! Let me tell them.
- Oh, sure. - Joey's gonna be...
...a celebrity guest on a game show.
CHANDLER: Hey. PHOEBE: Oh.
- Really? Which one? MONICA: Mm-mm.
Fish. Seaweed.
- A sunken ship. - Things you find in the ocean.
- You're gonna be on Pyramid! - Yeah.
- That was our favorite game show ever. - Except for Match Game.
- Or Win, Lose or Draw. ROSS: Oh!
What did I marry into?
You guys wanna come and watch me tape the show?
Oh, we can't. We're throwing Phoebe a bachelorette party.
Yeah. Sorry, boys, this ride's closing.
Oh, and Chandler and I have this stupid college alumni thing.
Oh, I can't believe you get to meet Donny Osmond.
- Seriously? - Yeah-huh.
Ross and I always wanted to be Donny and Marie.
ROSS: Mm-hm.
You guys just keep getting cooler and cooler.
Yeah, we used to perform for our family and friends.
Oh, God, that's right. I blocked that out.
[SINGING] I'm a little bit country
[SINGING] And I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll
I'm leaving you.
[SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
It's so weird to see all these people again.
Oh, my God, look. There's Jeffrey Klarik.
- Who? - He was roommates with John Rosoff.
He went out with Andrea Tamborino.
She dumped him for Michael Skloff.
Did I go to this school?
Hey, there's Missy Goldberg. You gotta remember her.
Sure. Nice.
Dude, you're married to my sister.
You're right. By saying "nice," I'm virtually licking her.
Hey, I hear she's single again. You think I should ask her out?
Are you asking permission to break the pact?
Yes, please.
Hey. Hey, check out the fliers for the band.
- I made them on a Macintosh. - Awesome.
The name really stands out.
Thanks to a little something called helvetica bold 24-point.
Man, we're gonna rock that Asian Student Union.
- Hey, guys. BOTH: Hey, Missy.
Our band is playing on Friday.
Yeah, you should come check us out.
We're called Way/No Way.
- No way. BOTH: Way.
- Great. I'll be there. CHANDLER: Fresh.
- Boss. CHANDLER: Mint.
- She's gone. - I know it.
- I am totally gonna ask her out. - Dude, I was gonna ask her out.
- I said it first, bro. - Well, I thought it first, homes.
- Look, if you date... - Wait! Wait! What are we doing?
What we have is too important to mess it up over some girl.
I mean, we can get laid any time we want.
Totally.
- I had sex in high school. - Me too. I'm good at it.
All right, I say we make a pact.
Neither of us will go out with Missy Goldberg.
You got it.
That's Missy Goldberg, Phoebe Cates and Molly Ringwald...
...who we can't go out with. - Those are the pacts.
Oh, and Sheena Easton. But we probably couldn't get her anyway.
[ROSS SCOFFING]
ROSS: Maybe not you.
Well, I officially give you permission to break the pact.
Thank you.
All right, here I go. Hey, remember how scary it used to be going up to girls in college?
- Your hands are shaking. - I know. And I can't stop sweating.
STAGE MANAGER: Five, four, three. Applause.
[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Yeah!
Welcome. It is Soap Opera Week here on Pyramid.
Let's meet our contestants. First, Gene Lester is a database specialist.
He's gonna be playing with Days of Our Lives star Joey Tribbiani.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
DONNY: And over here, we have Henrietta Cherry.
I know it can be intimidating for regular people to be around celebrities...
...but relax. I'm just like you, only better-looking and richer.
DONNY: She'll be playing with star of General Hospital Leslie Charleson.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Welcome, everybody. Good luck to all of you. Let's play Pyramid.
All right? Now, we flipped a coin before the show.
Gene, you won the toss, so you'll start. Which category?
- "You Crossed the Line." DONNY: "You Crossed the Line." Joey...
...describe for Gene these things that have lines.
Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please. Ready? Go.
Uh, okay, it's a store like a supermarket.
[WARBLE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Oh. I see what I did there. Okay, okay. Uh, I'm writing in my...
- Diary. - No, more like a notebook.
[WARBLE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Damn it. Okay.
Um, oh, if I'm building a house, the plan...
...isn't called a "shmooprint"...
[WARBLE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
I can't do that either?
Oh, in high school, I once had sex with a girl right in the middle of the?
- Cafeteria? - Yeah, but they're not looking for that.
[TONE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
JOEY & AUDIENCE: Aw...
[JOEY SIGHS]
- Thank you so much for this. - Aw, you like it?
Oh, my God, it's all so elegant.
- Hee, hee. RACHEL: Aw.
When's the dirty stuff starting?
- What? - The strippers and the guys dancing...
...and, you know, pee-pees flying about.
RACHEL: Oh!
Pheebs, I... There isn't gonna be any "flying about." Ha, ha.
We thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that.
Oh, okay.
I see what you're doing. That's fine. This is all there is. Just tea. Okay.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Mm, raunchy.
[CHUCKLING]
Seriously, Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Really? So this is?
This is my big sendoff into married life?
Rachel, this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have.
I've got a big wad of ones in my purse.
Really? I mean, really? It's just tea?
No.
[SCOFFS]
- Phoebe, of course there's more. - Okay.
I mean, let me just go talk to Monica...
...and get an ETA on the pee-pees. Heh.
DONNY: Now, Gene, I must remind you, you need all six of these to stay in the game.
Describe for Joey "things you find in your refrigerator."
Bah, they might as well just give us the points. Ha-ha-ha.
Give me 20 seconds on the clock. Ready? Go.
- You put this in your coffee. - Uh, a spoon. Your hands. Your face.
- It's white. - Paper. Snow. A ghost!
- It's heavier than milk. - A rock. A dog. The Earth. Heh, heh.
- Pass. - Ugh.
- You put it on a sandwich. - Salami. Anchovies. Jam.
- It's white. - Paper. Snow. A ghost!
- It's made from eggs. - Chickens?
- Pass. - Ugh.
- You put this on a hamburger. Yes! - Ketchup! Relish!
- Stop! - Oh.
[TONE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Oh, time's up. Well, Joey, you were, uh...
...almost on a roll there, ha-ha-ha. - Yeah.
Gene, you'll have a chance to go to the Winner's Circle, but now...
...Henrietta, you're going to the Winner's Circle to try your luck for $10,000...
...right after this. Don't go away.
And we're out.
Oh, so we didn't win. But it's fun to play the game, right?
GENE: Hey.
I got a kid starting college. I have to get surgery on my knee.
You just lost me 10 grand.
Oh, wow.
I'm so sorry. Okay, I promise, we'll do better next time.
Well, I will, because I won't be playing with you.
Hey, some of those were pretty hard.
Like, why would there be a ghost in my fridge?
Yeah.
- So Saturday night? - I'd love to.
Great.
So how come it took you so long to ask me out?
Oh, well, uh, this is gonna sound kind of silly...
...but do you remember my roommate, Chandler Bing?
Sure. He was in your "band."
It's been 16 years, but the air quotes still hurt. Heh.
- Sorry. - That's okay. Um, anyway...
Ahem, well, he and I both really liked you a lot, um...
...but we didn't want it to jeopardize our friendship, so we made a pact...
...that neither of us could ask you out.
- Really? - Yeah, why?
Well, Chandler and I used to make out.
A lot.
- You did? - Yeah.
- We'd go to the science lab after-hours. - And on my turf?!
Hey. Hey, where is this guy? It's been over an hour.
He's coming from Jersey. He said he'd get here as fast as he could.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Who is it? MAN: It's the police.
- The police! PHOEBE: Oh!
[RACHEL GASPS] [PHOEBE GIGGLES]
MAN: That's right. It's Officer Goodbody.
What's the matter, officer? Has someone been bad?
[GOODBODY COUGHS]
Whew, that's a lot of stairs.
Oh, boy. You should warn people there's no elevator.
[GOODBODY GROANS]
I should not have had that Mexican food for lunch.
- Oh. - Are you gonna be okay, Officer, uh?
- Goodbody. - If you say so.
So where's the young lady...
...who I am supposed to take downtown?
Oh, God.
All right. Somebody show me where to plug in my box...
...and we'll get this party started.
Wah!
- Over here? MONICA: Yeah.
GOODBODY: All right. - Rachel?
- Yeah? - Um, are you kidding?
We didn't know you wanted a stripper, so we got the phone book...
...and got the first name we could find. - How old's your phone book?
Oh, my God, this man is gonna get naked in my apartment.
God, no. I don't wanna see him take his clothes off.
Are you talking about me?
Oh, no.
I mean, obviously we wanna see you take your clothes off.
You big piece of eye candy.
Okay. Okay, ladies, can I have your attention, please?
PHOEBE: Oh, yeah. RACHEL: Oh.
Did someone call for the long arm of the law?
I should warn you, I have a concealed weapon.
I hope you're familiar with this state's penal code.
Okay, okay. Enough teasing.
Now for some pleasing.
[SOFT CELL'S "TAINTED LOVE" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Ooh. Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.
Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to get away
From the pain you drive Into the heart of me
The love we share Seems to go
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
She cringed.
This is how I look when I'm turned on.
You were talking about me before.
Look, I don't need this. I'm out of here. Where's my hat?
Look, I've been in this business for a long time.
Shocking.
Now, if you'll just pay me my $300, I'll be on my way.
- $300? Are you kidding? - That's okay. Let me get my checkbook.
You're not gonna pay him. He didn't do anything.
Didn't do anything? I took a bus all the way from Hoboken.
I climbed, I don't know, like, a billion stairs.
And it's not like I can take them two at a time.
I don't care. We're not paying you $300 for this.
It's not my fault if you're too uptight to appreciate...
...the male form in all its glory.
Okay, I'm uptight. That's why I don't wanna watch a middle-aged guy...
...dance around in what I can only assume is a child's Halloween costume.
I may have borrowed this from my nephew...
...but let me assure you, what's underneath is all man.
I'm sorry, did you say "all man" or "old man"?
Whoa!
You're mean.
- Uh, look, uh, officer, um... Sir? GOODBODY: Damn it.
Listen.
[SOBBING]
Big surprise. The hunk of beef has feelings.
STAGE MANAGER: Applause.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Okay, Henrietta, you picked "Jack and Jill Went Up The Hill."
Oh. My friend Rachel has a kid. I totally know nursery rhymes.
Joey, describe these things associated with the United States Congress.
Give me 20 seconds on the clock, please.
Ready? Go.
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Uh... Uh...
Pass.
- Uh, the thing hanging in your throat. - Uvula.
Oh, then pass.
Aw...
Okay. Henrietta, you didn't get all the points you needed...
...so that means, Gene, you are going to the Winner's Circle to try for $10,000.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
And you're gonna be going there with Joey Tribbiani.
You made out with Missy Goldberg?
How could you do that after you promised me?
Excuse me.
That didn't make us sound gay at all.
- You broke the pact. - Ross, that was 16 years ago.
That doesn't matter. We're talking about the foundation of our friendship.
I believe the foundation of our friendship was unfortunate hair.
If we're really gonna do this, it's not like you never broke one of the pacts.
- I didn't. - Oh, really?
- No. - Oh, really?
- No! - Adrienne Turner!
Yes?
[IN UNISON] Hey, Adrienne.
Hey.
I never did anything with Adrienne Turner.
Oh, please. And you knew how much I liked her.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Really? Remember that party freshman year?
A week before Christmas vacation?
I do.
You had some visitors.
[AFTER THE FIRE'S "DER KOMMISSAR" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
I can't believe we're at a real college party.
[RACHEL GIGGLING]
I have to pee so bad.
This is so awesome.
College guys are so cute.
- Hey, you've got a boyfriend. - I know.
But if a guy who looks like Corey Haim wants to kiss me, I am so gonna let him.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, look, there's Chandler.
That stupid friend of Ross' who said I was fat.
- I've already lost four pounds. - You can so totally tell.
I know!
Well, let's see, maybe he knows where Ross is.
Der Kommissar's in town, uh-oh
Hey, how's it going?
- Aren't you? - Yeah, Rachel.
And this is Ross' sister, Monica. We met at Thanksgiving.
Right. So how you doing?
Bitchen.
- Hi, Monica. - Hi, Chandler.
It's really nice to see you. Not!
[MONICA SNORTS]
[RACHEL GIGGLES]
Okay.
I'll see if I can find Ross.
Oh, my God, Rach. Beanbag chairs.
RACHEL: Oh.
Do not let me sit in one of those. We'll be here for days.
Don't turn around, uh-oh
Listen, Adrienne, you can't tell Chandler about this.
Oh, believe me, Ross, I won't be telling anybody about this.
Cool.
Don't turn around, uh-oh
Der Kommissar's in town
I didn't know you knew about that.
Well, I did. And it hurt.
That's when I wrote the song "Betrayal in the Common Room."
[SIGHS]
Man, I'm sorry.
Look, that was a long time ago.
So, I made out with Adrienne, and you made out with Missy.
[ROSS CHUCKLES]
Well, I guess we're even.
CHANDLER: Mm-hm.
We are even, right?
[CHANDLER SIGHS]
One more thing. I was so pissed at you that night, I wanted to get back at you.
So I thought, "Who does Ross like more than anybody?"
What did you do to my mom?
Not her.
[LIPPS, INC.'S "FUNKYTOWN" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Talk about it, talk about it Talk about movin'
Gotta move on
I am so drunk.
Gotta move on
That's weird. I've had the same number of beers as you and I don't feel anything.
So you girls having fun?
For your information, ass-munch...
...I've lost four pounds. Maybe even five with all the dancing.
- Somebody order a pizza? - Oh, that's me!
Won't you take me to Funkytown?
I am so not gonna do good on my SATs tomorrow.
Well, maybe you could go to school here next year and we could totally hang out.
Oh, yeah. There's a plan.
Why don't I just start taking my smart pills now?
[SCOFFS]
Well, maybe you could get in on a beauty scholarship.
[CHUCKLES]
What a line.
[WHISPERS] Oh, my God.
- So where are you applying to? - [IN NORMAL VOICE] Um, well...
...I think it's kind of really important that I go somewhere where there's sun.
So I'm sort of... Hey!
I'm in college and I'm in a band.
Yeah, okay.
Won't you take me to Funkytown?
What's the matter? You never saw a 50-year-old stripper cry before?
You know, it's fine. We'll pay you.
No, no, you're right. Who am I kidding?
I should have hung up that breakaway jockstrap years ago.
What am I gonna do? I mean...
...this has been my life for 32 years.
Taking my clothes off in front of people is all I know.
No, there's gotta be something else that you can do.
I mean, what skills do you have?
I don't know.
I can make my pecs dance.
I can pick up a dollar bill with my butt cheeks.
I can go to that special place inside me where I feel no shame.
So maybe something in an office.
Or you could... You could teach stripping.
You know, share your gift. Pass the torch.
You know, actually, that's not a bad idea.
I could do it out of my apartment. I don't think my mom would mind.
There you go. Okay. You think you're gonna be okay?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
This is so weird.
You never know when it's gonna be your last dance.
And I didn't even get a chance to finish it.
Finish it.
- What? - Your last dance. Do it for us.
- Really? - Really?
Yeah. Yeah, he deserves to do the thing he loves one last time.
Okay. All right. Get ready, ladies.
Okay.
[SYLVESTER'S "YOU MAKE ME FEEL MIGHTY REAL" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Whoa, you make me feel
Whoo!
Mighty real
You make me feel
Mighty real
[WOMEN CHEERING]
Oh, this is so hot!
[GOODBODY PANTING]
Oh, no, no, no, don't stop.
- Have to. - Oh.
I feel real
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Welcome to the Winner's Circle. Joey, Gene, you guys ready?
- Yeah. - Sure.
Okay. Uh, give me 60 seconds on the clock, please.
Ready? Go.
Oak. Maple. Elm. Birch.
Uh, I don't know. Types of trees?
[CHIME PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Enchilada.
Oh, I'm so sorry, I don't know any Spanish words.
[CHIME PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Wow.
A match. A candle.
Things that go "tss" when you put them out.
- A torch. A bonfire. - Uh, I...
- Uh, your pee. - Things that burn.
[CHIME PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] [AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
"I'd like to go for a walk." Uh, "scratch my belly."
Dude. Dude, I think you're losing it.
Uh, "I have fur." Uh, "I like to bark."
Oh, oh, oh! What a dog says.
[CHIME PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
- Uh, pepperoni. - Pizza toppings! Next!
[CHIME PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS] [AUDIENCE CHEERS]
Cindy Crawford. Uh, Christie Brinkley. Heidi Klum. Claudia Schiffer.
Oh, oh, oh. Uh...
Christy Turlington. Uh, Kate Moss.
Girls Chandler could never get?
[TONE PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
- Supermodels. - Where?
Hey. Where's Rachel?
She and Phoebe took the stripper to the hospital.
Did you know Chandler kissed Rachel?
What? When was this?
1987. The weekend you guys visited me at school.
- Oh, my God. That's wild. - But it was, like, a million years ago.
- It doesn't matter. - It matters to me.
- Why? - Because the night you kissed Rachel...
...was the night I kissed Rachel for the very first time.
- You kissed her that night too? - Two guys in one night?
Wow, I thought she became a slut after she got her nose fixed. Wow.
- Seriously, where did this happen? - Okay...
...after you told me she was passed out in our room...
...I went in there to make sure she was all right.
She was lying on my bed, all buried in people's coats.
I went to kiss her on the forehead...
...but it was so dark, I accidentally got her lips.
I started to pull away, but then I felt her start to kiss me back.
It was only for a second, but it was amazing.
And now I find out that you kissed her first.
- Wait, what bed did you say she was on? - Mine.
- I'm sure I put her on my bed. - No, she was definitely on my bed.
Why would I kiss a girl and then put her on your bed?
Well, then who was on my bed?
Oh! Oh! Oh!
No! No! No!
Yes!
- You were under the pile of coats? - I was the pile of coats!
Oh, my God!
You were my midnight mystery kisser?!
You were my first kiss with Rachel?!
You were my first kiss ever?!
What did I marry into?!
[THE TRAMMPS' "DISCO INFERNO" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[FINGERS SNAPPING]
Aw, crap!
Burn, baby, burn
[English - US - SDH]