Oh, I cannot believe that you didn't tell me we are still married.
Look, I was going to tell you.
When? After the birth of our first secret child?
Ross didn't get the annulment. We are still married.
MONICA: You're kidding? - Oh, my God.
Ross.
Okay, maybe it wasn't my best decision...
...but I couldn't face another failed marriage.
Let me just jump in and ask.
At what point did you think this was a successful marriage?
Rach, come on. If you think about it, it's actually kind of funny.
Okay, maybe it's best not to think about it.
Oh, this is inexcusable. I'm shocked to my very core.
Phoebe, I told her you already knew.
Another lie. You have a sickness.
Ross, just for my own peace of mind...
...you're not married to any more of us, are you?
Oh, hey, someone left their keys.
Ooh, to a Porsche.
- Hey, Gunther, are these yours? - Yeah. That's what I drive.
I make 4 bucks an hour. I saved up for 350 years.
Uh-uh.
Hey, did anybody lose their keys?
Why don't you put them in the lost and found?
There's a lost and found?
My shoe!
You left a shoe here?
Well, I didn't realize till I got home.
I wasn't gonna walk all the way back down here with one shoe.
I'm gonna go find that guy's car and leave a note on the windshield.
Oh, good. When he comes back for his keys, I'll be sure to give him your shoe.
Great. Thanks.
Oh, good, good. You guys are here. Listen.
How would you like to spend tomorrow...
...taking care of three incredibly cute little puppies?
Oh, my God. What a fun day. That sounds great.
Yeah, all right.
Okay, well, I'll bring them by tomorrow morning.
Okay, and by the way, they're not actually puppies.
They're Frank and Alice's triplets. Okay, see you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?
Please, please, please? Frank and Alice...
...asked me to babysit the triplets. I'm nervous. I've never done that by myself.
Don't worry about it, Phoebe. We'll do it.
Yeah, I'm gonna pass, because I was kind of iffy when it was puppies.
Come on, Chandler. Come on, it'll give us great practice for when...
...people with babies come to visit.
MAN: Nice car.
Yeah, it's, uh... It's not mine.
- I love your car. - Yeah. It's mine.
- I bet it's fast. - Me too. Yeah.
And comfortable.
- Do you, uh, like leather seats? - Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
It's got them.
So I still have boxes here.
I still have boxes at Ross'.
And I have nowhere to live.
Wow, I could so easily freak out right now.
What about me?
I just found out Denise is leaving town for a while. I don't have a roommate.
Well, maybe I could be your roommate, Pheebs.
Maybe you could be my roommate.
- Well, there's an idea. - Yeah.
- That would be great. - Oh.
- Wait, how long is Denise gone for? - Um, she said she'd be back December 26th.
Oh! December 26th.
Heh, maybe she's Santa Claus.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Oh, look who it is. My husband, the apple of my eye.
Okay, I got us a court date for tomorrow at 2...
...and I picked up all the forms.
I'll take care of everything.
Sure, if you say you're gonna take care of everything...
...I have no reason to doubt you.
Give me those forms.
All right, now, I'm gonna do this my way, and I don't wanna hear a peep out of you.
- Okay, Rach, but... - Ah, you're peeping.
[MUMBLING]
Ross, you know what? I just got...
- Why? Why did you do this? - Look, I told you...
I don't wanna hear "three failed marriages."
Look, if you'd had two failed marriages, you'd understand.
Well, you know what? Thanks to you, I'm halfway there.
Oh.
Oh, I am so mad, Ross. I don't think I've ever been this angry.
What about the time I said we were on a break?
Oh.
Pheebs, how's it going?
I'm doing okay. Do you think they're having fun? Am I talking too fast?
No. You sound like me.
It's going great. Look at Chandler with Little Baby Girl Chandler.
Little Baby Girl Chandler. Where have I heard that before? Oh, right, Coach Rubin.
You know what, Pheebs?
When you're done over there, we've got a kind of situation over here too.
Uh-uh. No. We are all responsible for our own babies.
See, that's where I think you're wrong. We've been playing them man-to-man.
We should really be playing a zone defense.
What do you mean?
I just think things will go smoother...
...if we each have our own zone, you know? Phoebe, you can be in charge of wiping.
And, Mon, you can be in charge of diapering.
And I can be in charge of looking at how cute they are when they put their hands...
That sounds really great, but you should be in charge of wiping.
Okay, I'm a rookie. I should not be in the end zone.
MONICA: Wow, this is so great.
This is exactly how we set the plates at the restaurant.
Yeah? Well, this is not what I ordered.
- Hey, guys. GROUP: Hey.
Hey, babies.
I'm having the best morning.
That, uh, Porsche I've got the keys to? Still there.
Shocking, since you still have the keys.
You should see the treatment I get when I'm with that car.
People are friendly. They wanna talk. And not just about the car.
One guy advised me on my equity investments.
What equity investments?
The ones that got me the Porsche. Will you keep up?
I figured, if people keep seeing me just standing there...
...they're gonna start to think I don't own it.
So I figure I'll wash it, right? Monica, you got a bucket and some soap?
Oh, yeah. I got soap and sponges and rags...
...and carnauba wax and polishing compound.
You don't even have a car.
I know. But one time there was this dirty car parked in front of the building...
...so I washed it.
- And? - And six others.
There you are.
- Yeah, she tops out at 130. - Wow.
And that's just in the city. I get her up to 160 upstate.
Really? You got a place upstate?
Sure.
- Well, I'll see you later. - Okay. Take it easy.
Hey. That's my car.
Really? Oh, uh...
Just give me five more minutes.
What are you doing?
Well, I found the keys, and now I'm just polishing her up.
- But it's my car. - Yeah, but it's my wax.
Listen, I don't come to the city much.
And I don't know if you're crazy or if this is some kind of street theater...
...but could I have my keys?
Sure. Yeah. I'll save your parking spot.
I'm not coming back.
- Why not? - I live upstate.
Yeah, so did I.
I don't know why I was so nervous about this...
...and I don't know why Frank and Alice are always complaining. This is easy.
Yeah, two hours, a lifetime, that's the same.
Check it out. Check it out. When the babies wake up...
...they can meet Krog.
What are you doing? That thing could put someone's eye out.
He can do more than that. He can destroy the universe.
No, Chandler, they could swallow one of those little parts.
And also, look at his smooth area. That's just gonna mess them up.
They're not gonna swallow anything. You're too overprotective.
When I was a kid, my mom used to just throw me into a pile of broken glass.
- What? - Glass, sand, whatever.
Oh, look at little Leslie stretching in her sleep.
Oh, it's so cute.
I wonder what age it is when you stop putting both legs behind your head.
Oh, I can still do that.
How are you still single?
All right, ahem. I thought about it, and maybe you're right.
Maybe Krog is not a safe toy.
- Good. What made you change your mind? - I swallowed his sonic blaster gun.
How did that happen?
Well, I was trying to prove that I was right, you know?
And it turns out I was wrong...
...and now it's lodged in my throat.
Damn it, this whole time we were concentrating on the babies...
...and no one was watching Chandler.
[GAGS]
Okay, you two are asking the court for an annulment?
Yes, Your Honor. And here are our forms, all filled out.
JUDGE: So based on your petition...
...you are seeking an annulment on the grounds...
...that "Mr. Geller is mentally unstable."
Fine. I'm mentally unstable.
And based on the fact that "Mr. Geller is an intravenous drug user."
- What? - Uh, yes. Heroin and crack.
Crack isn't even an intravenous drug.
Well, you would know.
Now, it also says here that you:
"Lied about your sexual preference before marriage."
- Oh, come on. - Ross, please. I found the magazines.
And, finally, that you were "unable to consummate the marriage."
Well, that makes sense since you're gay and addicted to heroin.
Okay, you know, I'm sorry, this is insane.
I'm not addicted to heroin, I'm not gay, and there is no problem...
...with my ability to consummate anything.
Look, I'll consummate this marriage right here, right now.
That won't be necessary.
And when we were dating, we consummated like bunnies.
Now, if you two were involved in a serious relationship, that really creates a problem.
Your Honor, rest assured, that relationship ended two years ago.
And can you please strike "consummated like bunnies" from the record.
Is there anything in this record that is actually true?
Uh, well, yes. We got married in Vegas.
And, uh, the names, I think.
Well, based on what I've heard...
...you two certainly don't qualify for an annulment.
If you don't wanna be together, you'll have to file for divorce.
That's great. You happy now? Look what you did with your funny, funny form.
What? Me? What about you and your "consummated like bunnies" nonsense?
And what...? What are you typing that for?
She already said we don't get the annulment.
Don't type that. What...?
Stop typing. Hey.
Stop typing.
Stop typing, "stop typing."
Okay, okay, do you see what you're keeping me married to?
You need to get out of my chambers.
All right, lady, here's the deal.
I came here for an annulment, and I'm not leaving here until I get one.
- Would you like to spend the night in jail? - Thank you for your time.
[GAGGING]
[GAGS]
That Porsche guy took his car back.
But you found the keys to his clothes?
No, I just, uh...
I love the way it feels when everybody thinks I own a Porsche.
People would think you own a Porsche because of the clothes?
Of course.
Only an idiot would wear this stuff if he didn't have the car.
That is true.
Yeah, but only a genius would swallow a sonic blaster gun.
Oh, I've been there.
I am gonna go drive my Porsche.
Joey, you know you don't actually have one.
Come on. What are you doing? I'm in character. Will you talk to her?
Ah, I think it just moved. It's really poking me.
That's it. We're going to the emergency room.
What? No, you can't leave me here with them. We're babysitting.
The babies are asleep. I'm sure you'll be okay on your own.
But you can't leave me with them. We're a team.
We're playing a zone. They're gonna triple-team me.
He's got something plastic in his throat. We gotta go to the hospital.
But, no, because a doctor won't be able to help him. And it's just gonna, you know...
...naturally pass through his system in, like, seven years.
- I think that's gum. - I'm pretty sure it's gun.
Okay, listen, this really hurts. Let's go.
But no. A real man wouldn't just run to the hospital.
No. What would Krog do?
Why isn't that valet back with my Porsche?
Maybe because you've got the keys?
- That was totally your fault. - My fault? You threatened the judge.
Well, you ripped the paper out of the court reporter's machine.
That was the only way I could get him to stop typing!
Oh.
Hi. How are the Gellers?
Don't call us that.
The judge wouldn't let us get an annulment. Now we gotta get a divorce.
Did a Porsche throw up on you?
Hey.
It's "Porsche."
Me taking care of you is no problem, huh?
You guys feel safe, right?
Okay, I'm gonna take that spit bubble as a "Yeah, I do."
Let's get rid of this dirty diaper, Leslie. I'll set you up with a nice clean one.
Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I just have to clean that up, okay?
Because, let's face it, we're at Monica's.
[BABIES CRYING]
I broke it. All right. Well, that's just the way things go.
Okay. Good.
Why are there only two of you?
Where's Leslie?
Well, you can't answer. Leslie? Where are you, Leslie?
Leslie, now would be a good time for your first words.
Well, look at you.
Hey.
You are a little bit mischievous. My gosh.
Oh, you're a lot mischievous.
Well, it'll dry.
Okay, you sit with your brother and sister now...
...who aren't there.
- Hey. - How do you feel?
Well, let's just say that Krog will be equipped to destroy the universe again...
...in 12 to 14 hours.
Okay, so I totally took care of the babies all by myself.
I fed them, bathed them and put them to bed.
And protected them from a tornado?
Oh, my God.
I know. The babies are asleep.
Phoebe, what happened here?
I did it. I took care of the babies all by myself.
- But my apartment. - Was the setting of Phoebe's triumph.
But the mess.
Is not as important as the fact that Phoebe took care of the babies all by herself.
You're right. You're right, I shouldn't freak out.
This is what it's gonna be like when we have babies.
When will that be?
Phoebe, would you take a look at this mess?
Oh, honey, thank God you're home. I was getting worried.
I picked up the divorce papers.
Uh, I've already signed everything. And I put little X's where you need to sign.
Oh, little X's. Great. That makes up for everything.
You know, you've done a lot of stupid stuff too, okay?
Oh, name one stupid thing that is as stupid as this one.
Okay, how about you flew to London to stop my wedding?
How about you told me you loved me after I was married?
Wait a minute, that was different.
I did those things because I was in love with you.
Yeah. Right.
You're right. That's very different.
So let's just sign the papers.
- What? - Nothing.
Okay, can we just sign, please?
Mm-hm.
Congratulations.
Okay, wait, Ross. Wait a minute. Um...
I, uh, kind of have a little confession.
What?
Uh, well, you know, this whole marriage thing.
Kind of my idea.
Excuse me?
Remember how we were too drunk to remember anything...
...the night we were married?
Yeah?
And yeah, I didn't really wanna say anything...
...but it just kind of kept coming back to me.
Um, remember, we were in the casino...
...and for some reason, you thought it'd be funny to eat a lot of grapes.
And I thought it would be funnier if we got married.
So, ahem, as a compromise, we decided first to get married and then...
...to eat a lot of grapes. - To eat a lot of grapes.
So, um...
Sorry I got us into this whole thing.
So then, I mean, if you think about it...
...this is all your fault.
Yeah, don't push it, though.
I gotta say...
...I know I divorce a lot of women.
Never thought I'd be divorcing you.
I know.
I always thought if you and I got married, that would be the one that stuck.
And it wouldn't be a secret...
...and we wouldn't have our wedding dinner at Pizza Hut.
[CHUCKLES]
Did I even treat?
No, it was on the house. It was a newlywed special.
That may be the most depressing thing I've heard in my life.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I should probably get these to my lawyer's office.
Hey, thanks, Ross, for taking care of all this.
- Ah, no problem. - Yeah.
- I'm gonna need a copy of those. - Totally.
Yeah.
Hey, hey, hey. Careful around my Porsche.
- Hi, Joey. - Hey.
How you doing?
He has the most amazing Porsche under there.
I'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Hey, would you two girls like to go for a drink?
[English - US - SDH]