- Hi. GROUP: Hi.
So I'm in my apartment doing the Soap Opera Digest crossword puzzle...
...and guess who is the clue for three down?
Three down. "Days of Our Lives star, blank Tribbiani."
That's me! I'm blank! Hey.
How cool is. We know three down. I'm touching three down.
Yeah, you are, baby.
Three down knows I'm married.
- What's three down doing? - Sorry.
So do they call you to tell you your name's gonna be in this?
No. They really liked me there.
They wanted to do a profile on me. I said no.
Why'd you say no?
Remember what happened the last time I did an interview?
I said I write a lot of my own lines, then the writers got mad...
...and made my character fell down the elevator shaft.
So who knows what I might say this time?
If only there was something in your head to control the things you say.
Oh, come on, Joey, you'll totally keep it in check this time.
And plus, you know, the publicity would be really good for your career.
And you deserve that.
And if you do the interview, you could mention...
...oh, I don't know, gal pal Rachel Green.
Is that "gal pal" spelled L-O-S-E-R?
Okay, don't listen to him. Please?
Fine, all right, I'll do it.
But, hey. You guys have to be at the next table...
...so you can stop me if I, you know, start to say something stupid.
Just then or all the time? Because we have jobs, you know?
Come on, we will be there for you the whole time. Just remember:
Gal pal, Rachel Green.
I'm gonna be in Soap Opera Digest.
And not just in the dumb crossword puzzle.
- Seriously, proud of you. - Yeah.
I really appreciate you taking the time to do this.
Oh, not at all. Happy to do it.
You think we're being obvious?
No. We're just four people with neck problems, who talk like this.
I think it's great that you wanted to meet here.
When most people hear that the magazine's paying for it...
...they want a big, fancy restaurant.
Actually, I didn't know the magazine was paying.
Wouldn't have mattered.
I'm doing this for the fans, not the free food. Ha, ha.
- Can I get you anything? - I'll have a cup of coffee.
Yeah, and I'll have all the muffins.
- Hey. - Shh. We're not talking.
Oh, finally. Ugh.
So according to your bio, you've done quite a bit of work before Days of Our Lives.
Anything that you're particularly proud of?
[SINGING] All you want is a dingle
What you envy's a shwang
A thing through which you can tinkle
Or play with, or simply let hang
Folks, this ever happen to you? You go to the fridge to get a glass of milk...
...but these darn cartons are so fringing-flanging hard to open.
Boy, you said it, Mike. I don't--
Oh, oh.
- There's gotta be a better way. - And there is, Kevin.
He's never used this product before.
You're gonna see how easy this is to do. Go ahead.
- This works in any milk carton. - Wow, it is easy.
- Now I can have milk every day. CROWD: Ah.
So this is it, Victor?
Yeah, I guess it is. And so...
...I'm gonna get on this spaceship...
...and I'm gonna go to Blargon 7 in search of alternative fuels.
But when I return 200 years from now, you'll be long gone.
But I won't have aged at all.
So you tell your great-great- granddaughter to look me up.
Because, Adrian...
."baby".
...I'm gonna want to meet her.
Shh, shh. Okay, here I come. Here I come. See, I'm coming to fix the copier.
I can't get to the copier. I'm thinking, "What do I do? What do I do?"
So I just watch them have sex. And then I say-- Wait, here's my line:
JOEY [ON TV]: You know, that's bad for the paper tray.
- Nice work, my friend. - Wait, wait, wait, you see me again.
Hang on, the guy's butt's blocking me.
There I am. There I am. There I am.
Well, there are so many things, you know, it's hard to pickjust one.
- I'm gonna get some coffee. Want anything? RACHEL: Oh, yeah.
- A blueberry muffin and chamomile tea. - Double latte, extra foam.
- And a bagel with only-- - I was just being polite.
Okay. How about when you're not working?
What do you do in your spare time?
[HORN HONKS]
Look at this clown. Just because he's got a bigger boat...
...he thinks he can take up the whole river.
Get out of the way, jackass!
Who names their boat Coast Guard, anyway?
That is the Coast Guard.
What are they doing out here? The coast is all the way over there.
- Hi. - Hey, check it out. This is unbelievable.
Joey has been holding his breath for almost four minutes.
Dude, are you trying to kill me?
Well, I see you've had a very productive day.
Don't you think the cowboy hat is a little much?
Come on, it's fun.
All right.
Isn't this a woman's hat?
Dude, stop talking crazy and make us some tea.
You know what? We have to turn off the porn.
I think you're right.
CHANDLER: All right, ready? JOEY: One.
CHANDLER: Two, three. JOEY: Three.
That's kind of nice.
- Yeah, it's kind of a relief. - Yeah.
- You wanna see if we still have it? - Yeah.
- Free porn! We have free porn here! - Yeah.
In my spare time, I, uh, read to the blind.
And I'm also a mento for kids.
- A mento? - You know, a mento. A role model.
- A mento? - Right.
- Like the candy? - As a matter of fact, I do.
Well, um, another thing that our readers always want to know...
...is how soap stars stay in such great shape.
Do you have some kind of a fitness regime?
Uh, we stars usually just try to eat right and get lots of exercise.
Wow, you realize we've been throwing this ball without dropping it for an hour?
Are you serious?
I realized it a half-hour ago, but I didn't want to say anything...
...because I didn't want to jinx it.
- Wow, we are pretty good at this. - Yeah.
Hey, we totally forgot about lunch.
Oh. I think that's the first time I've ever missed a meal.
Yeah, I think my pants are a little loose.
What's wrong with you?
Oh, I got this blinding pain in my stomach when I was lifting weights before.
And then I, uh, passed out.
I haven't been able to stand up since. Ha, ha. But I don't think it's serious.
This sounds like a hernia. You have to-- Go to the doctor.
No way.
Look, if I go to the doctor for anything...
...it's gonna be for this thing sticking out of my stomach.
Why'd I have to start working out again?
Damn you, 15's.
- What is it? - It's a trifle. It's got all of these layers.
First, there's a layer of ladyfingers, then a layer of jam.
Then custard, which I made from scratch.
Then raspberries, more ladyfingers...
...then beef sautéed with peas and onions.
Then a little bit more custard.
It tastes like feet.
I like it.
- Are you kidding? - What's not to like? Custard, good.
Jam, good. Meat, good.
Well, you don't look good, Joe.
Well, the fridge broke, so I had to eat everything.
Cold cuts, ice cream, limes.
Hey, what was in that brown jar?
- That's still in there? - Not anymore.
Oh, look. There's a piece that doesn't have floor on it.
- Stick to your side. - Hey, come on, now.
All right, what are we having?
Uh, I don't believe in these crazy diets. You know, just everything in moderation.
- Your muffins. - Uh...
I'll take those to go.
For the kids.
Oh, I know what I wanted to ask you.
You were on the show years ago and then they killed you off.
What happened there?
Oh, it's so stupid.
I said some stuff in an interview that I shouldn't have said.
But believe me, that is not gonna happen today.
Understood. So, what did you say back then?
Oh, I said that I--
GROUP Hey, Joey! How you doing?
You guys, this is Shelly. She's interviewing me for Soap Opera Digest.
GROUP: Hi. - Shelly, these are my friends.
Hi, I'm gal pal Rachel Green.
Um, and if you want the dirt, I'm the one you come to.
This might be Joey's baby, who knows?
I'm just kidding. Seriously, gal pal Rachel Green.
Who just lost the respect of her unborn child.
- I'm gonna go get this warmed up. - Okay.
- Joey, you're doing great. - So far, nothing stupid.
- Mento? - No, thanks.
So as Joey's friends...
...is there anything you think our readers ought to know?
Uh, no, just that he is a great guy.
Yeah, that's gonna get you into Soap Opera Digest.
Well, I--
I would just like to say that Joey...
...truly has enriched the days of our lives.
Um, I just think that you don't expect someone so hot to be so sweet.
- Oh, I like that. What's your name? - Phoebe Buffay.
How do you spell that? So we can get it right.
Okay, it's P as in Phoebe. H as in Heebie.
O as in Obie. E as in Ebie.
B as in Beebee. And E as in, "'ello there, mate."
Great. Well, it was nice meeting all of you.
- Yeah, you too. - Thanks, you guys.
MONICA: Bye.
So it seems like you have a lot of friends.
- Yeah. - Who would you say is your best friend?
How come you have two?
Well, this one's for you.
- Get out. - No, I can't.
No, no. Listen, I know how much this means to you.
And I also know this is about more than jewelry.
It's about you and me and the fact that we're best buds.
Wow. Is this friendship? I think so.
Check it out. We're bracelet buddies.
That's what they'll call us.
- Oh, Joey. I'm sorry. - It's all right. Don't worry about it.
No, but look. Oh, that's gonna leave a stain.
Rach, hey, it's fine. You're at Joey's.
- Really? - Yeah, look.
- Ha. - Yeah.
- I've never lived like this before. - I know.
Whoo! Ha, ha.
Well, don't waste it. I mean, it's still food. Jeez.
I've been feeling guilty about this. I wanna be a good friend...
...and damn it, I am a good friend. So shut up and close your eyes.
Yeah, uh--
Wow.
You are a good friend.
Of course, the audition was this morning, and I didn't get it.
But that was a hell of a kiss. Rachel is a very lucky girl.
Let's get the contestants out of their isolation booths.
And they're off. Oh.
Get your foot off my contestant. Judge.
- Judge rules: No violation. - Oh.
- The duck gets the Nutter Butter. - No. Wait, that's not a Nutter Butter.
- That's an old wonton. - Judge rules: Nutter Butter.
- Oh. Tough call. - Yeah.
I had seen this thing on the Discovery Channel.
Wait a minute. I saw that. On the Discovery Channel.
Yeah, about jellyfish, and how if you--
Ew. You peed on yourself?
BOTH: Ew. - You can't say that. You don't know.
I mean, I thought I was gonna pass out from the pain.
Anyway, I tried, but I couldn't bend that way.
O
GROUP Ew.
That's right, I stepped up.
She's my friend and she needed help.
If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you.
Uh, nope. No best friend.
No, just a lot of close friends. Yeah.
So, uh, now back to the show.
How does it feel to have a huge gay fan base?
Really? Me?
Wow, I don't even know any huge gay people.
It hurts me. It physically hurts me.
Now, off the record, you're not...
What? Are you referring to my man's bag?
At first, I thought it just looked good, but it's practical too. Check it out.
It's got compartments for all your stuff: your wallet, your keys, your address book.
Your makeup.
Now, should I climb down your front so we're face to face...
...or should I climb down your back so we're butt to face?
- I think face is best. - Yeah, face to face.
ROSS: Okay, here I come. - All right.
Oh, my-- How much do you weigh, Ross?
I'd prefer not to answer that right now. I'm still carrying a little holiday weight.
[GASPING]
You know, when we talked about face to face...
...I don't think we thought it all the way through.
- Hey, Pheebs. - Hey.
Check it out.
Huh?
- How much of a man am I? - Wow.
Nice. Manly and also kind of a slut.
You're turning into a woman.
No, I'm not. Why would you say that? That's just mean.
Now I've upset you? What did I say?
Not what you said, it's just the way you said it.
Oh, my God! I'm a woman!
- Great nap. - It really was.
[RACHEL CLEARS THROAT]
Me? Gay? No. No. No.
Uh, but I have a number of close friends who are.
So let's talk about women.
I'm sure our female readers will be interested to know about your romantic life.
Oh, what I do is, I look a woman up and down and I say:
"Hey. How you doing?"
Oh, please.
Hey. How you doing?
He has the most amazing Porsche under there.
I'd love to show you, but I just tucked her in. She's sleeping.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Hey, would you two girls like to go for a drink?
- Is Rachel here? I'm her sister. - Oh, my God. Jill.
- Oh, my God. Rachel. - Oh, hi.
- Oh, my God. Introduce us. - Well, this is Chandler.
- Hi. - You know Monica and Ross.
JILL: Hi. - And that's Phoebe. And that's Joey.
- Hey, how you doing? - Don't!
You're a really nice guy...
...and I'm happy to be your roommate and your friend.
I'm just... You know, I just don't feel that way about you.
Oh, I see what happened. Ha, ha.
It's because I was trying to repel you. Right?
Believe me, you'd feel a lot different if I turned it on.
- I don't think so. - Oh, I do.
How you doing?
I'm okay.
What? Oh, dear God.
Not much to tell there. I'm really shy.
So that's it. I guess that's all I need.
Thank you so much.
I think they will be running this in the beginning of next month.
Oh, great. Great. Thank you.
- Bye. 'Bye-bye.
- I did it. GROUP: Amazing.
Oh, wait, I almost forgot. We have to ask everybody this:
Other than Days of Our Lives, what's your favorite soap opera?
Oh, I don't watch soap operas. Excuse me? I have a life, you know?
Thank you. The readers at Soap Opera Digest...
...will be happy to learn that.
Oh. Good enough.
So close.
Wow, I can't believe they didn't put in the part...
...where you said you didn't watch soap operas.
Yeah, I called the lady about that. I told her I was joking.
She was pretty nice about it.
- You slept with her, didn't you? - A little bit. Yeah.
Wow. This picture of you sure is steamy.
Oh, yeah, that's just a little something for my huge gay fan base.
Did you just wink at me?
Hey, you're the one who loves the picture.
[English - US - SDH]