Wait. Before we go in, I just want you to know that I love you.
And I had a great time on our honeymoon.
I can't wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.
You're sticking with the shell necklace, huh?
[DOOR OPENS]
- Hey, you're back! Woo-hoo! - Yay!
[ALL CHATTERING]
- Come on in! - Yeah, come on!
[PHOEBE LAUGHING]
How was the honeymoon?
So much fun. The best part is, we met this incredible couple on the flight back.
That was the best part? Good honeymooning, tiger.
They're cool. They were on their honeymoon too.
They're terrific. They live here in the city.
Can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I wanna call.
Sorry, we're excited. We finally have a couple to hang out with.
A couple? Like two people? Like one, two people?
This is different. Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.
Ugh, Greg and Jenny. Ugh! "Hi, Greg. I'm Chandler. This is Monica."
"Hi, Monica. This is Jenny." "Hi, Jenny. Hi, Greg."
[MUTTERS]
- Listen, they're great. If you got a chance... - You know what?
Why don't you give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here.
- We didn't get a chance to... - You've got to be kidding me!
- We didn't get anything for anyone. - Mm-hm, yeah. Nice necklace.
That you can have.
- Hi. MONICA: Hey!
- Hello! - Welcome home.
So, how was the honeymoon?
Great! How about you? I mean, you're having a baby!
- Oh, look, I have a sonogram picture. - Oh, good.
Ross, it's got your wavy, black lines.
So now that Ross knows, can you tell us how it happened?
When did it happen? How many times did it happen?
- Monica, that's not right. - What?
Start with where.
Well, it happened about six weeks ago.
And, uh, I had just got home from work and Ross was already there.
- I guess he'd been hanging out with Joey. - You're welcome, buddy.
Yeah, thanks.
And so I had a lot of work, and Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out.
And then we had wine, we got to talking.
Next thing you know, out of nowhere Ross comes on to me.
Um, heh. That's...
That's a little misleading.
- What is? - The lie you just told.
- That you came on to me? - There's the one!
- But you did. Let's be honest. - Yes, let's.
You know what? Uh, it's not important.
Heh, what's important is that we're having a baby.
It doesn't matter who came on to who.
"Whom."
That's right.
- You kissed me first. - What? You were begging me to kiss you!
You were sending me signals all over the place.
- I was sending signals? Please. - Yeah.
Okay, anyone think that I'd actually send Ross begging signals?
Please, show of hands.
It doesn't matter what people "believe." What matters is what happened.
These signals, explain this. Maybe I need to be more careful.
Am I you sending these signals right now?
- You know what? Just drop it. - Show me how I begged you.
I can show you! I have it on videotape.
It's an expression.
I can't believe he taped the two of them having sex.
Yeah. You gotta tell a girl before you tape her.
Such a rookie mistake.
- Know who has a great camera? - Greg and Jenny?
- Do you want to call them? I want to. - Let's call.
Ask them if they brought their friends souvenirs.
Hello? 8th Street Deli?
Hey, hang up. You get food poisoning just talking to that place.
- Sorry, wrong number. - Here you go, babe.
Hello? It's the deli again!
All right, I'll have a sandwich.
I don't think this number's right.
[CHUCKLING]
- What? - You got fake-numbered.
- What? People don't do that. - Oh, I think we do.
- A fake number? Why would they do that? - I don't know.
You were a delight to talk to.
You asked those insightful, great questions.
And you've never been funnier.
I mean, joke, joke, joke! You were a hoot!
Don't worry about it. You still got me and Phoebe.
Excuse me, I don't want Greg and Jenny's rejects.
Rachel won't talk to me. She won't open the door.
Hmm, I wonder why, pervert.
Okay, listen, I am not a pervert.
That's, like, the pervert motto.
Yeah, they have you raise your right hand...
...put your left hand down your pants and repeat that.
Filming Rachel was not something I planned.
Look, here's what happened. And Joey can back me up on this.
About a month and a half ago, remember I came to you with a problem?
Um, a...
The personal thing?
- Pers...? What personal thing? - About... About sex?
That I hadn't had sex in months?
Yeah, I knew what you were talking about.
- Hey. - Hey.
Do you have a minute?
I'd like to talk about something I'm uncomfortable talking about.
Sure, yeah.
How about, uh, you showering with your mom?
I actually had a topic in mind.
I'm kind of going through a dry spell, sex-wise.
- Oh, for, like, months? - Five, to be...
...lying. Six.
Six months? That's rough.
Well, it's not all bad. I'm learning to appreciate the, uh, small things in life.
Like the sound of a bird, or the color of the sky.
The sky's blue, Ross. And I had sex yesterday.
Please help me. I have a date tonight.
It has to go well. I'm scared for my health.
Okay, okay. Oh! I got something. It's this story that I came up with.
Very romantic. Any woman that hears it, they're like putty.
Really? Tell it to me.
Okay. Now, you're gonna want to have sex with me when you hear it.
But you have to remember, it is just the story.
- I'll try to control myself. - Okay. Ahem.
Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe...
Heh, you were backpacking across Europe?
- Have a nice six more months, Ross. - Okay, okay!
I'm sorry. Please, please. You were in Western Europe, and?
I was outside Barcelona, hiking in the foothills of Mount Tibidabo.
I was at the end of this path. I came to a clearing, and there was a lake.
Very secluded. There were tall trees all around.
It was dead silent. Gorgeous.
And across the lake I saw a beautiful woman bathing herself.
But she was crying.
Why?
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO]
Mm! Mm, this is great wine.
It's from France.
In Europe.
Western Europe.
You know, um, a few years ago I was backpacking across Western Europe.
- Really? - Mm-hm. Wait, it gets better.
Um, yeah, I was in, um, Barcelona.
I studied for a year in Barcelona.
- Anyway, um, so I was hiking... - I love hiking!
Oh, that's great!
I was hiking along the foothills of Mount Tibidaybo...
- I think it's "Tibidabo." - Okay, do you want to tell the story?
Whoa, what are you doing here? How'd your date go?
Great. I'm across the street having sex right now.
- Your story sucks. - If it didn't work, you didn't tell it right.
- Show me how you did it. - No, I don't want to.
- How long since you seen a girl naked? - I was backpacking across Western Europe.
- I'm not feeling it. - I was outside Barcelona, hiking...
- No, Ross, I'm not hot. Are you hot? - It's been six months. I'm always hot.
You're not selling the story. You don't believe it.
I gotta go, I got a date. But try this.
Do what I do when I'm preparing for an audition.
I'll set you up with my video camera.
You can record yourself and see what you're doing wrong.
I'll try that.
All right. Now, you're all set up. Good to go.
- Just hit record. Good luck. - Thanks.
And Joe, listen. If you ever have any problem with the ladies...
...you know I'll help you out.
That means a lot to me, man.
Hello.
Can I get you anything? Lens cleaner? Your battery okay?
- Rachel. - Oh, Ross.
- Hi. - Thank God you're here.
You have to help me. Were you just talking to yourself?
That's less embarrassing. Yes. Yes, I was.
ROSS: When she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera.
It kept rolling and recorded everything.
- Yeah, we're gonna need to see that tape. - Yeah.
What a great idea! That'll get Rachel to forgive me.
This is not fair to her. Let's forget the tape.
Thank you.
[MOUTHS] You'll show it to me.
- No. - You're right.
- Joey, no. - Loud and clear.
I don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number.
You know, if they knew what they were doing...
...they didn't give you real names either. - Okay.
Maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don't give out fake names.
Oh, yeah?
Hi. Ken Adams. Nice to meet you.
Regina Phalange.
- We didn't do anything wrong. MONICA: I know.
Although you did tell an awful lot of jokes.
I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke, joke, joke!
Joke, joke...
[BABBLES]
- Maybe it was your questions. - What about my questions?
The sheer volume. It was like flying with the Riddler.
- Ooh, sorry, was that another joke? - Was that another question?
- Hey, is Ross still here? - Uh, no, Rach, he's gone, but listen.
He told us what happened. It sounds like an honest mistake.
Really? How would you like it if I had sex with you and I taped it?
Oh, forget it.
Oh, there he is, the father of my child, the porn king of the West Village.
Look, it was an accident, okay?
I feel bad it happened. I swear, I didn't even watch it.
Anyway, here.
I thought you might be more comfortable destroying it yourself.
Thank you.
[ALL SHOUTING]
What?
[ALL SHOUTING]
- You don't want to see this, do you? - Hell, yeah!
I am not gonna show you this.
Not the sex part. Just the stuff leading up to it.
Forget it. She's destroying it.
Okay, fine! Fine. We'll just have to think of some other way...
...to put the "who came on to who" thing to rest.
Come on now, think!
Forget it. It's Rachel's tape, and she can do whatever she wants with it.
And she wants to destroy it, so end of story.
- I want to see it. - What?
Clearly you don't want people to see this tape.
I don't want people to see this tape either.
But you so badly don't want people to see it that it makes me want to see it. See?
Are we watching the tape or not?
- I don't want people to see it for your sake. - Oh, I don't believe you.
I think you don't want them to see you begging me.
- Rachel, please? - Oh, a little preview.
Fine. But I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road.
Because in about five minutes, I'm gonna be saying:
[LAUGHING]
Okay, here we go.
Hello. Can I can get you anything?
I'm so happy.
RACHEL: Oh, thank God you're here.
I need you to help me. Were you talking to yourself?
- Oh, there I am. - You're gonna get pregnant.
RACHEL: I screwed up so bad.
I told Monica that I'd stuff and send those wedding invitations weeks ago.
ROSS: You didn't do it?
I had put them in... In my desk at work...
...and I forgot about them until today.
Sweetie, it's okay. Everybody made it to the wedding. I'm fine.
- Kind of hurting my hand though. - I know.
I can not believe that I did this.
Especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it.
"Here are the invitations, Rachel. Be very careful, Rachel.
Please drinking no liquids around the invitations, Rachel."
Whoa, oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!
Did you do it on our invitations?
Not on the ones we sent out.
So just the ones you gave back to us and we had framed?
Can you believe this is happening?
- It seems like yesterday they got engaged. - I know.
Remember the night they got engaged? How you and I almost...
Oh, I remember how we almost.
You think we would've gone through with it if we hadn't gotten caught?
You think we would have done it?
I know I wanted to. I just wasn't sure if you wanted to.
Oh, I wanted to.
So we... We both wanted to.
- Interesting. - Mm.
Anyway, um, probably worked out for the best.
Yeah, sure.
In about 10 seconds, you're gonna see him kiss me.
And in about 5 seconds, you're gonna see why.
Ross, did I ever tell you about the time...
...that I went backpacking through Western Europe?
Okay, get ready to see some begging.
Oh, you came on to Ross!
- What? - Now I'm so happy.
- What are you talking about? - You used the Europe story!
That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex!
- How do you know about that story? - How do you know about that story?
I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy.
Some guy!
No, no, she told me that his name was Ken Adams.
Ken Adams!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hi.
So apparently, uh, people are familiar with the Europe story?
Yeah, listen, about that...
...the whole "who came on to who" thing really doesn't matter.
I think it would have happened either way.
I mean, if you hadn't initiated it, I know I would have.
- It was an amazing night. - It was. It was an amazing night.
You think it looked amazing?
I, uh... I don't know. I honestly didn't watch it.
Yeah, me neither.
Yet.
Uh...
- That... That may be weird. - Yeah, it would be really weird.
- Good luck. - Good luck to you.
- Mind if I mute? - Oh, please.
- Oh, there go the clothes. - You are undressing awfully quickly.
Six months, Rachel. Six months.
- Huh. - Huh.
- Hey. Heh.
- We look pretty good. - I was gonna say.
- Ooh, nice tan. - Thank you.
- I'd just gone to the beach that weekend. - Ah.
Ugh.
- Have you been working out? - I have been working out.
Well, this is so much better than I ever...
- Oh. - Oh.
- Ew. - Ew.
- Oh, that's not pretty. - Oh.
- Oh. Oh, God. - Oh.
- Oh, no. Oh, no! No! - Make it stop. Make it stop.
Hello, Greg? Hi, this is Monica from the plane.
Listen, the number that you gave me, uh, 8-5-3...
Their old number! Jenny's been giving it out since they moved!
- Jenny! That is so Jenny! - I know.
Listen, um, how would you like to get together next Saturday?
Okay, how about Sunday?
Okay, um, the week after that?
The week after that?
You know what, Greg? Heh.
We are good, interesting, funny people with good questions.
And if you and your precious Jenny can't see that, then...
January 15?
We'll see you then! Okay!
[English - US - SDH]