- Hey. Who wants French toast? - Oh, I'll have some.
Me too. Eggs and milk in the fridge. Thanks.
Ow.
- Oh, what's the matter, honey? - My hand feels weird.
I guess it's because I'm engaged.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
- When will that start getting annoying? - Start?
So let's actually get started on the wedding plans.
- Okay. - Already?
Yeah, we got a lot to do. We gotta think about the flowers...
...the caterers, the music...
- Oh, I got some thoughts on the music... - Chandler, too many cooks...
Take it from me. All you have to do is show up and try to say the right name.
Okay.
- What in God's name is that? - Oh, my God, the wedding book?
I haven't seen that since the 4th grade.
This baby has everything. Take, you know, locations for instance:
First organized alphabetically, then geographically...
...then by square footage.
That is so smart. Ha.
Break it off. Ahem. Break it off, now.
And that should conclusively prove...
...that I had the idea for Jurassic Park first.
- Now, let's take a look... - Hey, Ross.
Phoebe, oh, my God, what are you doing here?
I need to talk to you. It's pretty urgent. It's about Monica and Chandler.
Oh, my God. Um, of course.
Uh, would you please excuse me for a moment?
Um, heh, do you know each other's hometowns? Why don't you?
What's going on?
Well, um, not much. I was just thinking that since those guys just got engaged...
...that maybe it'd be nice if they had some privacy.
So could I just move in with you for a couple days?
Um...
Okay, yeah, sure. But what's wrong with Monica and Chandler?
Nothing. Why?
Phoebe, you said it was urgent.
Oh, yeah, it is. I'm going to the movies and it starts in like five minutes.
Do you realize I have a classroom full of students?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so rude. Does anyone want to come to the movies?
I haven't cleared the budget with my parents yet...
...but tell me how this is for music.
All right, um, a string quartet for the processional, a jazz trio for cocktails...
...the Bay City Rollers for dancing...
Wait, that was for my 6th grade wedding.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Well, you couldn't get them anyway. Ian doesn't play anymore, and Derek...
Well, Derek is a name I shouldn't know.
Hey, Mon, do you have another pillow, you know, something a little snugglier?
Why are you napping over here instead of over at your place?
- The duck. - What, the duck?
What the hell did the damn duck do now?
Uh, well, he did not get sick somewhere in there...
...and it was immediately found and properly cleaned up.
Now, do I get to look at this book...
...or is it just for people who are actually involved in the wedding?
Of course you can look at it. Yeah, I want your opinion too.
- Okay. - Here you go.
- What do you think about centerpieces? - Centerpieces.
- Roses or lilies? - Definitely roses.
Well, I just think they're a bit more wedding-y, you know.
- But lilies are the clear choice. - Oh, my God, it's like one mind.
Uh-huh.
Guys, guys, you gotta let me nap.
I'm gonna get cranky.
Joey, there is a perfectly good couch across the hall.
Yes, it is perfectly good...
...and it is not one of the places the duck got sick.
What?
- All right, I'm gonna go. - Joey, what did the duck do?
I don't know, but he did not eat your face cream.
Hey, little buddy.
[DUCK SNORTING]
How you feeling? Aah.
What the hell is in that face cream?
That's so soft.
Pillowcases.
Oh, ah.
JOEY: "Zelda looked at the chimney sweep. Her father, the vicar..."
Vicar?
"...wouldn't be home for hours.
Her loins were burning.
She threw caution to the wind and reached out and grabbed his..."
Whoa.
This is a dirty book.
[AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
Uh, Phoebe?
Oh, Ross, hi.
- Phoebe, what are you doing? - I'm sorry, I'm with a client right now.
- Phoebe. - Okay, let's talk outside.
Phoebe, you can't massage people in my apartment.
What's the big deal? I did it at Monica and Chandler's.
And they knew about it?
Okay, look, Ross, what is this really about?
Look, this is my home, and I want to be able to come and go whenever I want.
Okay. I will find someplace else to do the rest of my appointments.
I just don't know what the big deal is.
The big deal is I don't want naked, greasy strangers in my apartment...
...when I want to kick back with a puzzle... Beer, cold beer.
Hey, Joey. What are you doing?
Sweeping. Why? Does it turn you on?
No.
Hmm.
What if I was, uh, sweeping a chimney?
Joey, did you eat my face cream?
Where are you going? The vicar won't be home for hours.
Joey...
...where did you learn that word?
Where do you think...
...Zelda?
[GASPS]
- You found my book? - Yeah, I did.
Joey, what are you doing going into my bedroom?
Okay, I'm sorry. I went in there to take a nap.
And I know I shouldn't have, but you got porn.
RACHEL: Ugh.
You know what? I don't care. I'm not ashamed of my book.
There's nothing wrong with a woman enjoying a little erotica.
It's just a healthy expression of female sexuality...
...which, by the way, is something that you will never understand.
You got porn.
[SHRIEKS]
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Hello. - Hi, is, uh, Phoebe here?
- Uh, no, no, she's out for the night. - Oh, great.
Heh. Can I help you with something?
I don't know. Are you a masseur?
Yes, I am.
Great. Dad?
Thank you so much. I'll be back to pick him up in an hour.
So, Chandler, your parents must've been thrilled...
...when you told them you were engaged.
Oh, yeah. I should probably call them.
I remember when we first got engaged.
- I don't think I've heard that story. - Dad, you don't...
Well, I'd gotten Judy pregnant.
I still don't know how.
You don't know how? Your dog thought my diaphragm was a chew toy.
What a sweet story.
At least you're not hearing it at your 5th grade Halloween party.
What? They wanted a scary story.
Anyway, we're really excited about our wedding plans.
Pretty soon we'll be making a big withdrawal from the Monica wedding fund.
[CHANDLER & MONICA CHUCKLE]
- What? - You tell her, Jack. I can't do it.
What happened? You still have the wedding fund, don't you?
We have it. Only now we call it "the beach house."
I can't believe you spent my wedding fund on the beach house.
We're sorry. We assumed...
...if you got married after you turned 30 you'd pay for it yourself.
You bought the beach house when I was 23.
Which means you had seven years of beach fun...
...and you can't put a price on that, sweetie.
We really do feel bad about this though.
We started saving again when you dated Richard.
But then that went to hell, so we redid the kitchen.
What about when I started dating Chandler?
It was Chandler. We didn't think he'd ever propose.
Clearly I did not start drinking enough at the start of the meal. Heh.
I can't believe there is no money for my wedding.
We might still have some if your father hadn't thought...
...to sell ice over the Internet.
- It seemed like such a simple idea. - Stupid, Jack. The word is stupid.
All right, enough. I don't want to hear about it anymore.
Good luck, Chandler.
[AMBIENT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
Okay, now I'm going to...
...touch you.
Oh, that's soft.
I can't believe this. Do you think your parents could help pay for it?
I don't know.
My mother spent most of her money on her fourth wedding.
She's saving the rest for her divorce.
And any extra cash my father has, he saves for his yearly trips to...
...Dollywood.
What happened at dinner?
My parents spent the money for our wedding.
[GASPS]
My God, what did you order?
Wait, there's no money? Well, this is terrible.
You guys are gonna have to get married in, like, a rec center.
- Honey, it's gonna be okay. - No, it's not gonna be okay. It sucks.
- No swing band, no lilies. - No, you know what? It's gonna be okay.
I mean, you don't need to have this...
...rustic Italian feast, you know?
And you don't need this custom-made empire-waisted, duchess satin gown.
You can wear off-the-rack.
Look, it really is gonna be okay.
The important thing is that we love each other and we're gonna get married.
Do you even understand what "off-the-rack" means?
Why don't you just pay for it yourself?
How? I don't have any money.
- Well, I have some. - How much?
Well, close to...
- Whoa! Are you kidding me? - What? How much?
- It's enough for wedding scenario A. - Really?
How great are you, you little saver? Heh.
The amount you have is exactly the budget of my dream wedding.
Oh, you guys are so made for each other.
Well, you're not suggesting we spend all of the money on the wedding?
MONICA & RACHEL [IN UNISON]: Uh, yeah.
Look, Mon, I've been saving this money for six years...
...and I kind of have some of it earmarked for the future, not just for a party.
Wow. Hello, Mr. Chandler.
Sweetie, this is the most special day of our lives.
I realize that, honey, but I'm not gonna spend all the money on one party.
Honey, um, I love you. Heh.
But, um, if you call our wedding a party one more time...
...you may not get invited.
We can always earn more money, okay? But we're only gonna get married once.
Look, I understand, but I have to put my foot down, okay? The answer is no.
You're gonna have to put your foot down?
Yes, I am.
Wow. Money and a firm hand.
Finally a Chandler I can get onboard with.
- Hey, Rach. - Joey.
Hey, Rach, do you smell smoke?
Uh-huh. I get it. Smoke, chimney, chimney sweep. Very funny. Ha, ha.
No, no, no, I'm serious. You don't smell it?
Something's on fire.
No, I don't smell anything.
Oh, you know what? It's probably just your burning loins.
- Hey, what are you guys talking about? - Nothing.
Mm, damn, this coffee's cold.
Hey, Rach, do you mind if I heat this up on your loins?
You know, I cannot believe you told him. Joey...
So I guess you bought that book after we broke up, huh?
Uh-huh, I did, because I wore out my first copy when I was with you.
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
Well, uh, when we were going out, I read tons of porno magazines.
'Sup?
Ross, how could you do that to an old man?
Excuse me, ladies.
I'm sorry?
My massage client, Arthur.
His daughter called and said some guy that worked for me...
...gave him a really weird massage this afternoon.
I gave him an extremely professional massage.
He said you poked at him with wooden spoons.
Okay, so it wasn't a traditional massage.
But I did give him acupressure with a pair of chopsticks...
...and I gently exfoliated him with a mop.
Well, he's never coming back, okay? You just cost me $80 a week.
You know what? This is your fault. You didn't move his appointment.
Oh, it's my fault? You didn't have to massage him.
You could've sent him away.
You could've not rolled Tonka trucks up and down his back.
He said he liked that.
You're right, you're right. I'm sorry.
Dude, what are you massaging an old man for?
- His daughter was hot. - Gotcha.
[DOOR OPENS]
- Hey. - Hey.
Listen, um...
...I've been thinking.
And it's not fair for me to ask you to spend all your money on our wedding.
I mean, you work really hard for that.
- Well. - Well, you work for that.
Look, I thought about it too.
And I'm sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
- You do? - Yeah, I'm putting my foot down.
Yeah, look, when I proposed, I told you...
...that I would do anything to make you happy.
And if having the perfect wedding makes you happy...
...then that's what we're gonna do.
You are so sweet.
Oh, but wait.
What about our...? What about the future and stuff?
Ah, forget about the future and stuff.
So we only have two kids.
You know, we'll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
- Have you thought about that? - Yeah.
How many kids were we gonna have?
Uh, four. A boy, twin girls and another boy.
What else did you think about?
Well, heh, stuff like where we'd live, you know.
Like a small place outside the city...
...where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff.
We could have a cat that had a bell on its collar...
...and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door.
Of course we'd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
You know what?
I don't want a big, fancy wedding.
- Sure you do. - No.
I want everything that you've just said. I want a marriage.
- You sure? - Mm-hm.
- I love you so much. - I love you.
Hey, listen, when you were talking about our future, you said cat.
But you meant dog, right? Ha, ha.
- Ha, yeah, totally. - Oh, good.
Hello, Zelda.
- Who are you supposed to be? - The vicar.
- Do you even know what a vicar is? - Like a goalie, right?
Yeah.
Look, Joey, it's enough, all right?
You keep making these stupid jokes and these sleazy innuendoes...
...and it's just not funny anymore.
All right, I'm sorry. Rach, I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.
Maybe I could make it up to you by taking you roughly in the barn.
Ugh.
All right, you know what? That's it. You want to do it? Let's do it.
Huh?
That's right. I want to do it with you.
Been trying to fight it, but you just said all the right things.
Uh, I did?
Yeah, oh, I've been waiting so long to get on that body.
- This body? - Yeah, that's right.
Come on, Joey, sex me up.
Hey, you're starting to sound like the butcher's wife there in chapter seven.
Oh, come on, now. Don't keep me waiting. Get those clothes off.
But I would keep that helmet on, because you're in for a rough ride.
I don't want to. I'm scared.
[English - US - SDH]