All right, no peeking. No peeking.
No peeking. No peeking!
All right, all right, but you better be wearing clothes when I open my eyes.
All right. Open your eyes!
Sweet mother of all that is good and pure.
Huh? Days of our Lives picked up my option!
- Congratulations! - I know! Ha-ha-ha.
Now we can watch Green Acres the way it was meant to be seen.
So, uh, which one is mine?
Whichever one you want, man. Whichever one you want!
Not that one.
Oh, yes!
Oh, yeah! That's the stuff.
Oh.
- Do we dare? - We dare.
BOTH: Oh.
BOTH: Oh!
I can't believe two cows made the ultimate sacrifice...
...so you could watch TV with your feet up.
No, they were chair-shaped cows.
They never would have survived in the wild.
This screen is amazing.
- Dick Van Dyke is practically life-size. PHOEBE: Uh-huh.
[ALL GASP]
Rose Marie really belongs on a smaller screen, doesn't she?
- Hi, you guys. JOEY: Hey.
PHOEBE: Hey.
- Hey, you. - Hey, you.
JOEY & CHANDLER: Whoa, hey, whoa. - Oh.
So, uh, how was your day?
Oh, you know, pretty much the usual.
Uh, sun shining, birds chirping.
Really? Mine too.
Hey, cool! Mine too!
[PAGER BEEPING]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I gotta get to the museum. So, um...
- I'll see you tonight? - Okay.
Oh.
Bye, guys!
PHOEBE: Bye. MONICA: Bye.
[SIGHS]
- Tonight? JOEY & CHANDLER: Hey, whoa.
- What's tonight? - It is our first official date.
Our first date.
Uh, ha, ha. Hello?
Hi.
Tonight? You're supposed to waitress for me? My catering thing?
- Any of that trigger anything? - Oh, God, Monica. I forgot!
This is our first date.
- Yes, but my mom got me this job. - I can be a waitress!
Thank you, thank you. See? Phoebe! Phoebe!
- Really, Pheebs? - Uh-huh.
You'd have to be an actual waitress.
This can't be like your "I can be a bear cub" thing.
I can be a waitress. Okay, watch this.
Um, give me two number ones, 86 the bacon...
...one Adam and Eve on a raft and wreck them!
[HUMMING]
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
It's James Bond!
- Sorry we're late. - That's okay. Come on in.
Um, I'm sorry, is Monica Geller coming? I was told she was.
Dr. Burke, it's me.
Monica?
My God! You used to be so...
I mean, you've... You must have lost like...
- You look great. - Thank you.
This is Phoebe. She'll be helping me.
Hi, Phoebe. Nice to meet you.
[GIGGLES]
RICHARD: So how you been? - Great. How have you been?
Oh, obviously you know Barbara and I split up...
...or you wouldn't do the head tilt.
The head tilt?
Since the divorce, everybody asks how I am...
...with a sympathetic head tilt. "How you doing? You okay?"
Oh.
- I'm sorry. - No, no.
It's fine. Believe me, I do it too.
I always answer with the "I'm okay" head bob. "I'm okay."
"You're sure?" "Yeah, I'm fine."
I gotta set up the music. I got a new CD changer.
Of course, the divorce only left me with four CDs to change.
Oh, that's too bad.
I'll survive.
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Ward. With a reverse.
Uh, two larges, extra cheese on both.
But listen...
...don't ring the buzzer for 19.
Ring 20. Geller/Green.
They'll let you in, okay?
If you buzz our door, there's no tip for you.
Okay, thanks.
[SIGHS]
Pizza's on the way. I told you we wouldn't have to get up.
What if we have to pee?
I'll cancel the sodas.
Get back out there. It's your party!
But they're so dull. They're all ophthalmologists.
You're an ophthalmologist.
Because my parents wanted me to be. I wanted to be a sheriff.
[MONICA LAUGHS]
Ha, ha. That's funny. Cadillac, cataract. I get it.
But you stay out there!
- You see? - All right, I tell you what.
I'll come get you in five minutes with some sort of, um, kebob emergency.
Okay.
Ah. Better.
Oh, God, here we go.
Hey, want to see them go nuts?
Watch this.
Who needs glasses?
[ALL CHEER]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- You are so smitten. - I am not!
Oh, you are so much the smitten kitten.
Oh.
- You should ask him out. - Dr. Burke?
I don't think so. I mean, like, he's a grown-up.
So? You two are totally into each other.
He's a friend of my parents. He's like 20 years older than me.
So you're never gonna see him again?
Not never.
I'm gonna see him tomorrow at my eye appointment.
- Didn't you just get your eyes checked? - Yeah, but, you know, uh...
...27 is a dangerous eye age.
I'm not saying it was a bad movie. I'm just saying it was a little...
...hard to follow.
I told you there'd be subtitles.
RACHEL: I know.
I just didn't want to wear my glasses on our first date.
Oh.
RACHEL: Monica?
It would help when I'm kissing if you didn't shout my sister's name.
- Honey, I'm just checking. - Oh.
- Ahem. Monica? - Mon?
- Monica? ROSS: Mon?
RACHEL: Monica?
[ROSS SIGHS]
[RACHEL LAUGHS]
[CHUCKLES]
[RACHEL LAUGHING]
What?
- What? - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. It's just, when you moved your hands down to my butt...
...it was like, "Whoa, Ross' hands are on my butt!"
Sorry.
And that's funny why?
Well, it's not. Uh...
I mean, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just nervous.
I mean, it's you.
- You know, it's us. - Mm.
I mean, we're crossing that line. It's sort of a big thing.
Well, I know it's big. I just didn't know it was ha-ha big.
Okay.
[RACHEL LAUGHS]
Okay, my hands were nowhere near your butt.
I know, I know, I know!
I was thinking about when they were there the last time.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, look! Whoa, I promise.
I'm good. I won't laugh anymore. Put your hands back there.
No, see, now I can't, because, uh...
...I'm feeling too self-conscious.
- Just one cheek. - No. Ha.
The moment's gone.
- I'll back up into your hands. - That's romantic.
RACHEL: Touch it. ROSS: No.
RACHEL: Oh, come on, squeeze it. ROSS: No!
RACHEL: Rub it? ROSS: No.
RACHEL: Oh, come on! Would you just grab my ass?
Wow, look at that. The car is on fire...
...yet somehow its expensive paint job...
...is protected by the Miracle Wax.
You've got a Cheeto on your face, man.
[SNIFFS]
Thanks.
- Hey. - Hey.
Ah.
Aren't you supposed to be out with Rachel?
That was 14 hours ago.
- So how'd it go? - Well...
Have you ever been, you know, fooling around with a girl...
...and, uh, she started laughing?
Yeah, but, uh, it was 1982...
...and my Flock of Seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.
- She laughed at you? - Yeah.
I've been wanting this since ninth grade typing.
You know, I just want it to be perfect...
...and right and...
Why isn't that laser beam cutting through the paint?
- It's the Miracle Wax! - It certainly is a miracle.
- Hi, you guys. JOEY & CHANDLER: Hey.
- Hey. RACHEL: Hi.
Listen, I was, um, thinking about...
Listen, can you guys speak up?
It's harder for us to hear you when you lower your voice.
Okay, listen.
I'm sorry about last night. I really want to make it up to you.
No. You know, there's no need to make it up... How?
Well, I was thinking maybe a, um... Ahem, a romantic dinner...
...with, um, candles and wine.
And then, uh, ahem, maybe going back to my place...
...for, um, dessert.
Hmm.
That sounds...
...perfect? Heh.
[BANG ON DOOR]
- What's this? - Would you get us a couple of beers?
I'm going to look into your eyes now.
Really?
Yeah, that's my job.
[MONICA CHUCKLES]
All right. Look up.
Look down.
Now, open your eyes and look down.
That's right.
Look into the light.
Now look at me.
Okay.
Your eyes look good. Those are good eyes.
Good. They feel good.
In my head.
Um, so...
- It was great to see you. - You too.
You too.
Okay, um...
Goodbye. Ha, ha.
- Drops! - What?
Drops. Here, they're free.
Thanks. Uh, so...
I guess I better be going.
Oh, okay, yeah, I'll see you later.
- Thanks again. - Oh.
[RICHARD CHUCKLES]
Oh.
We have to get you lazy boys out of these chairs.
JOEY & CHANDLER: Hey, whoa, hey, whoa. - Oh, oh.
You should go outside and be with the three-dimensional people.
No. Inside good.
Outside bad.
You guys are so pathetic.
Oh, Xanadu!
Oh!
She's one of us now.
- Hi, you guys. - Hey.
- Hey.
We just wanted to stop by and, uh, say good night.
CHANDLER & PHOEBE: Good night.
They won't even turn their heads.
All right, you guys. I'm taking off my shirt.
No, she's lying.
Stop sending food to our apartment!
Why are you dressed up?
You're not the only one who has a date.
- What? You have a date? Who with? - No one.
- Come on, what's his name? - Nothing.
Come on, tell me.
All right, but I'm very excited about this, okay?
So promise you won't get big-brothery and judgmental.
I promise. What?
- It's Richard Burke. - Who's Richard Burke?
Is that Dr...? Dr. Burke?
You have a date with Dr. Burke? Why? Why? Why...
...should that bother me?
I love that man. He's like, uh...
...a brother to Dad.
Well, for your information...
...he is the brightest, most sophisticated, sexiest man I've ever been with.
Dr. Burke is sexy?
BOTH: Oh, God!
Absolutely!
[PAGER BEEPS]
Damn!
It's the museum again. Can I...? Oh.
- You know, Dr. Burke kissed me once. - When?
When I was, um, 7, I crashed my bike right out in front of his house...
...and to stop me from crying, he kissed me right here.
- Oh, you are so lucky! - I know. Ha-ha-ha.
Australopithecus isn't supposed to be in that display.
No, no.
No, Homo habilis was erect. Australopithecus was never fully erect.
Well, maybe he was nervous.
[SIGHS]
Oh, look! I can't believe this!
Homo habilis can't use tools yet, and they've got him with clay pots?
Why don't they just give him a microwave? Heh.
I'm sorry this is taking so long.
You know, I... It's longer than I expected. We will have dinner.
- That's okay. It's fine. - Karl!
Oh, God.
- Wow! Is that Michelle? - Yep.
I've not seen her since high-school graduation.
Oh, my God, that night she got so dru...
Emotional.
- You know, she's having another baby. - Mm.
- I thought she just had one. - No, no. Henry's almost 2.
And he's talking and everything. Here.
Aw.
The other day he told me he liked me better than his other grandpa.
In all fairness, his other grandpa's a drunk, but still...
Whoa. You're a grandpa.
Yeah.
Are we nuts here?
I don't know. Maybe.
I mean, I'm dating a man whose pool I once peed in.
I didn't need to know that.
I guess 21 years is a lot.
I mean, hell, I'm a whole person who can drink older than you.
Yeah.
So...
- So maybe we should just... - Yeah.
Yeah.
Maybe...
[RICHARD SIGHS]
Wow.
This really sucks.
Yeah, it sure does.
Ah.
[RICHARD SIGHS]
Uh, we don't really have to decide anything right now, do we?
RICHARD: No, there's no rush or anything.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
MAN: Pizza delivery! - Oh, I'm gonna kill those guys!
- Rach? - Oh.
- I'm done. Ah. - Ahem.
Yeah, well, you know what? So is, uh, Sorentino's.
I'm sorry. Let's, uh... Why don't we find someplace else?
It's late. Everything will be closed. We'll do it another night.
No, no, we won't.
We won't?
Come on.
Okay, that's dead, right?
- What is this? What are we doing? - Shh.
- Do you want Cran-Apple or Cran-Grape? - Grape.
[ROSS HUMS]
Okay, now...
...sit.
Okay.
[RACHEL SIGHS]
Oh, my God!
MAN [ON FILM]: Billions ofyears ago, Earth was...
Sorry.
[CHRIS ISAAK'S "WICKED GAME" PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Ah. So, what are we looking at?
Well, uh, you see that little cluster of stars next to the big one?
That is Ursa Major.
- Really? - No idea. It could be. Could be.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Listen, I'm sorry I had to work tonight.
Oh, that's okay.
- You were worth the wait. - Oh.
And I don't just mean tonight.
I never dreamed That I'd meet somebody like you
Whoa.
You're not laughing.
This time it's not so funny.
No, I don't want to fall in love
This love is only gonna break your heart
ROSS: Aah! RACHEL: Oh!
Okay, loosen the knot. Loosen the knot.
Sorry, sorry.
[BOTH LAUGH]
What a wicked game you play
Aah! Oh, God! Oh.
Honey?
Oh, that's okay.
What?
Oh, no. You just rolled over the juice box.
Oh, thank God!
No, I don't want to fall in love
This love is only gonna break your heart
[SIGHS]
Hey.
Hey, you.
I can't believe I'm waking up next to you.
I know. It is pretty unbel...
RACHEL: What? - We're not alone.
[LAUGHING ON TV]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[ALARM WAILING]
- Is that the fire alarm? - Yeah.
Oh, it's not warm yet. We still have time.
- Cool. - Yeah, yeah. Cool!
[English - US - SDH]