1 00:00:23,539 --> 00:00:24,539 Hello. 2 00:00:24,607 --> 00:00:26,107 Jay, this is your mother. 3 00:00:26,174 --> 00:00:28,409 Your father and I are taking you out of our will. 4 00:00:28,477 --> 00:00:30,845 We feel you already have enough money. 5 00:00:30,913 --> 00:00:33,014 Oh, yes, and Happy Birthday. 6 00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:08,917 It stinks. 7 00:01:23,198 --> 00:01:24,265 Oh! 8 00:01:24,332 --> 00:01:25,567 What's wrong? 9 00:01:25,634 --> 00:01:28,169 I'm 36 years old, I'm lonely, 10 00:01:28,236 --> 00:01:30,371 my hair comes out of a spray can. 11 00:01:30,439 --> 00:01:33,074 You know, I ought to go on camera without this stuff. 12 00:01:33,141 --> 00:01:35,577 Let the world see me as I really am. 13 00:01:36,745 --> 00:01:37,812 It's empty. 14 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,014 Oh! I'm bald and ugly. Get more! 15 00:01:42,117 --> 00:01:44,185 Hello, I'm Jay sherman, 16 00:01:44,252 --> 00:01:46,721 and this is coming attractions. 17 00:01:46,789 --> 00:01:49,791 Tonight I'll be reviewing home alone 5. 18 00:01:52,995 --> 00:01:54,028 We left Kevin home alone, 19 00:01:54,096 --> 00:01:55,930 and he's only 23. 20 00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:59,333 But first, let's start 21 00:01:59,401 --> 00:02:02,470 with Arnold Schwarzenegger's latest film: Rabbi p.I. 22 00:02:02,537 --> 00:02:04,305 It's the story of a Chicago cop 23 00:02:04,372 --> 00:02:07,075 who goes undercover as a hasidic Jew. 24 00:02:10,846 --> 00:02:12,680 Eat lead, rabbi. 25 00:02:12,748 --> 00:02:14,682 Sorry. That's not kosher. 26 00:02:16,551 --> 00:02:17,619 All right, 27 00:02:17,686 --> 00:02:19,386 if you are a real rabbi, 28 00:02:19,454 --> 00:02:21,288 circumcise this child. 29 00:02:25,761 --> 00:02:27,862 Havah nagilah, baby. 30 00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,363 Because I love you people, 31 00:02:29,431 --> 00:02:32,000 I won't force you to watch the musical number. 32 00:02:32,067 --> 00:02:33,901 Well, maybe just a little. 33 00:02:36,438 --> 00:02:38,706 ♪ I made you out of Clay 34 00:02:39,174 --> 00:02:40,642 feh! 35 00:02:40,709 --> 00:02:42,844 Anyway, to get to the part of the show you like the best 36 00:02:42,911 --> 00:02:44,512 and I find humiliating, 37 00:02:44,579 --> 00:02:45,813 on the shermometer, 38 00:02:45,881 --> 00:02:48,349 this film rates an absolute zero. 39 00:02:48,416 --> 00:02:49,784 Brr! 40 00:02:49,852 --> 00:02:50,918 And cut. 41 00:02:53,856 --> 00:02:56,891 Ah, this new stuff feels great. 44 00:03:02,631 --> 00:03:05,166 Why the hell do you have to be so critical? 45 00:03:05,233 --> 00:03:06,534 I'm a critic. 46 00:03:06,601 --> 00:03:08,469 No. Your job is to rate movies 47 00:03:08,537 --> 00:03:10,504 on a scale from good to excellent. 48 00:03:10,572 --> 00:03:11,939 What if I don't like them? 49 00:03:12,007 --> 00:03:13,507 That's what "good" is for. 50 00:03:13,575 --> 00:03:15,710 Mr. Phillips, we go on in 5 seconds. 51 00:03:15,778 --> 00:03:17,211 I own this network, boy. 52 00:03:17,279 --> 00:03:20,281 Just put up that picture of me on a horse. 53 00:03:20,348 --> 00:03:21,916 ♪ 54 00:03:24,619 --> 00:03:26,654 God, I look fabulous. 55 00:03:26,722 --> 00:03:28,189 Look, this isn't art, 56 00:03:28,256 --> 00:03:31,592 it's just mindless pablum for losers who can barely read. 57 00:03:31,660 --> 00:03:32,994 Oh, that reminds me, 58 00:03:33,062 --> 00:03:35,529 I've got an interview with people magazine. 59 00:03:35,597 --> 00:03:37,932 Mr. Phillips, you're fabulously wealthy, 60 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:39,567 you're a world-class athlete, 61 00:03:39,634 --> 00:03:41,268 you were great in bed last night. 62 00:03:41,336 --> 00:03:42,670 How does that feel? 63 00:03:42,738 --> 00:03:44,538 I have no one to envy. 64 00:03:44,606 --> 00:03:46,808 I envy you having me to envy. 65 00:03:46,875 --> 00:03:50,011 We're back with "star poop." 66 00:03:50,079 --> 00:03:51,312 Let's welcome a young actress 67 00:03:51,379 --> 00:03:53,181 whose first film opens next month, 68 00:03:53,248 --> 00:03:54,582 Valerie fox. 69 00:03:56,785 --> 00:03:58,552 Oh! 70 00:03:58,620 --> 00:04:00,888 I must confess I haven't seen your movie yet. 71 00:04:00,956 --> 00:04:02,623 Well, let's not talk about the movie. 72 00:04:02,691 --> 00:04:04,192 Let's talk about you. 73 00:04:04,259 --> 00:04:06,027 Ah, my favorite subject. 74 00:04:08,831 --> 00:04:10,898 You know, I'm your biggest fan. 75 00:04:10,966 --> 00:04:12,533 Oh, I have no fans. 76 00:04:12,601 --> 00:04:14,535 Most of my viewers are drunken frat boys 77 00:04:14,603 --> 00:04:16,503 who like to make fun of me. 78 00:04:16,571 --> 00:04:18,740 Hey, look. He's picking his nose. 79 00:04:20,876 --> 00:04:21,943 It's really simple. 80 00:04:22,010 --> 00:04:24,511 I find smart men very sexy, 81 00:04:24,579 --> 00:04:27,481 and you are the most intelligent man on television. 82 00:04:28,917 --> 00:04:30,118 Would you like to have dinner with me? 83 00:04:30,185 --> 00:04:31,119 Oh, I couldn't. 84 00:04:31,186 --> 00:04:32,754 You're an actress. I'm a critic. 85 00:04:32,821 --> 00:04:35,056 There's an insatiable line between us. 86 00:04:35,124 --> 00:04:36,423 Uh, I mean invisible. 87 00:04:36,491 --> 00:04:38,292 There's an invisible line between us. 88 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,693 Oh! 89 00:04:41,196 --> 00:04:43,064 All right, I'll have dinner with you. 90 00:04:43,132 --> 00:04:44,999 But first, can we have a serious discussion of your film? 91 00:04:45,067 --> 00:04:47,468 I think that's what our audience is here for. 92 00:04:47,535 --> 00:04:49,904 Hey, look. She's drinking a beer. 93 00:04:51,373 --> 00:04:53,174 Oh, this really stinks. 94 00:04:54,342 --> 00:04:55,342 I'm sorry. 95 00:04:55,410 --> 00:04:56,744 They send me on these talk shows 96 00:04:56,812 --> 00:04:59,147 and tell me to be some sort of femme fatale. 97 00:04:59,214 --> 00:05:01,015 I think it's all pretty silly myself. 98 00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:02,349 I know how it is. 99 00:05:02,417 --> 00:05:04,218 I always have to look my sexiest. 100 00:05:04,286 --> 00:05:08,089 That's why I'm wearing these tight size 42 pants. 101 00:05:09,258 --> 00:05:10,424 Now, Valerie, 102 00:05:10,492 --> 00:05:12,160 your new film, kiss of death, 103 00:05:12,227 --> 00:05:14,395 is being compared to basic instinct. 104 00:05:14,462 --> 00:05:16,664 Would you compare yourself to Sharon stone? 105 00:05:16,731 --> 00:05:19,566 I find comparing actresses very demeaning. 106 00:05:20,202 --> 00:05:21,936 Don't you? 107 00:05:22,004 --> 00:05:23,271 Can we get a shot of that? 108 00:05:25,573 --> 00:05:28,009 Hey, mister, why does your car say "king dork"? 109 00:05:28,076 --> 00:05:31,012 Uh, I bought it from king dorkenheiser of Finland. 110 00:05:31,079 --> 00:05:33,247 I thought Finland was a constitutional democracy. 111 00:05:33,315 --> 00:05:35,082 Just park the car. 112 00:05:35,150 --> 00:05:36,717 ♪ 113 00:05:41,256 --> 00:05:43,925 Ah, Mr. sherman, 114 00:05:43,992 --> 00:05:45,426 I have saved for you 115 00:05:45,493 --> 00:05:48,395 the very best table in the house. 116 00:05:48,463 --> 00:05:50,865 Just perfect for the schmoozing. 117 00:05:52,868 --> 00:05:54,202 Conan o'brien. 118 00:05:57,039 --> 00:05:58,139 Oh, great. 119 00:05:58,207 --> 00:06:00,274 They sat us in the critics' section. 120 00:06:00,342 --> 00:06:01,408 Pelican brief? 121 00:06:01,476 --> 00:06:04,078 More like Turkey too long. 122 00:06:04,146 --> 00:06:07,215 Even Satan himself would love this angel hair pasta. 123 00:06:07,282 --> 00:06:10,017 It's a good buy, and so, goodbye, 124 00:06:10,085 --> 00:06:13,321 from Mr. good guy, gene shalit. 125 00:06:13,388 --> 00:06:14,889 You were a model, weren't you? 126 00:06:14,957 --> 00:06:16,290 Don't pigeonhole me. 127 00:06:16,358 --> 00:06:17,758 Yes, I was a model. 128 00:06:17,826 --> 00:06:19,626 Yes, I was a beauty queen. 129 00:06:19,694 --> 00:06:22,029 Yes, I dated Donald trump. 130 00:06:22,097 --> 00:06:23,564 Uh-huh, uh-huh. 131 00:06:24,333 --> 00:06:25,900 Oh, yeah. 132 00:06:25,968 --> 00:06:27,534 What are you doing? 133 00:06:27,602 --> 00:06:30,637 Oh, I'm sneaking a peek at your mcguppies. 134 00:06:30,705 --> 00:06:32,940 It's my stumbling attempt at intimacy. 135 00:06:33,008 --> 00:06:35,343 If that's what you want, look in my eyes. 136 00:06:37,612 --> 00:06:38,946 O ye gods! 137 00:06:42,017 --> 00:06:44,551 And that's me on the set of dances with wolves. 138 00:06:44,619 --> 00:06:45,953 They gave me a small part. 139 00:06:46,021 --> 00:06:48,389 I played throws-like-a-girl. 140 00:06:48,456 --> 00:06:50,224 I didn't know you were married. 141 00:06:50,292 --> 00:06:52,326 It didn't work out. 142 00:06:52,394 --> 00:06:54,661 I don't know why I ever married you. 143 00:06:59,935 --> 00:07:01,102 What's this? 144 00:07:01,169 --> 00:07:03,470 That is my pulitzer prize. 145 00:07:04,273 --> 00:07:05,606 Oh, no, wait. 146 00:07:05,673 --> 00:07:07,341 No, I'm sorry. That's my pulitzer prize. 147 00:07:07,409 --> 00:07:08,910 I won this at summer camp. 148 00:07:08,977 --> 00:07:09,877 For what? 149 00:07:12,247 --> 00:07:13,580 More. More. 150 00:07:15,183 --> 00:07:17,318 Uh, I killed a bear. 151 00:07:17,386 --> 00:07:19,820 I guess I should be going, 152 00:07:19,888 --> 00:07:22,489 but I just can't leave. Do you get that feeling? 153 00:07:22,557 --> 00:07:24,025 Yes, but I live here. 154 00:07:24,092 --> 00:07:26,127 No. What I mean is, 155 00:07:26,194 --> 00:07:27,795 this door's going to close soon, 156 00:07:27,862 --> 00:07:29,630 and whether I'm inside or outside 157 00:07:29,697 --> 00:07:31,532 could change our lives forever. 158 00:07:40,909 --> 00:07:43,411 Say, what do you do in your movie? 159 00:07:43,478 --> 00:07:45,546 I play a woman who seduces chubby men, 160 00:07:45,613 --> 00:07:47,982 then kills them in their sleep. 161 00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:49,417 Interesting. 162 00:07:58,193 --> 00:08:00,461 She looks good from every angle. 163 00:08:01,896 --> 00:08:03,030 Eh? 164 00:08:03,098 --> 00:08:04,265 Ahhh! 165 00:08:04,333 --> 00:08:06,434 Sorry, I'll just go to the bathroom 166 00:08:06,501 --> 00:08:08,436 and let you make a graceful escape. 167 00:08:08,503 --> 00:08:11,372 No, no. I really enjoyed last night. 168 00:08:11,440 --> 00:08:12,739 Oh, really? 169 00:08:14,042 --> 00:08:16,243 You have such cute little ears. 170 00:08:16,311 --> 00:08:18,712 Dad, you're out of doritos. 171 00:08:20,082 --> 00:08:21,615 What are you doing here? 172 00:08:21,683 --> 00:08:24,085 We were gonna go shopping for husky pants together. 173 00:08:24,152 --> 00:08:25,686 Excuse us. 174 00:08:25,753 --> 00:08:27,188 Then you were gonna take me to that ice cream place 175 00:08:27,255 --> 00:08:28,889 and tell them it's my birthday again. 176 00:08:28,957 --> 00:08:30,391 Shh. What? 177 00:08:30,459 --> 00:08:32,693 Shut up. 178 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:35,062 Now, son, you may just have noticed 179 00:08:35,130 --> 00:08:37,098 there was a beautiful woman in my bed. 180 00:08:37,165 --> 00:08:38,699 I won't tell anyone. 181 00:08:38,766 --> 00:08:40,834 Actually, I wish you would tell everyone. 182 00:08:40,902 --> 00:08:42,136 Particularly your mother 183 00:08:42,204 --> 00:08:44,771 and her personal trainer, Alberto. 184 00:08:44,839 --> 00:08:46,907 He says I should call him Uncle Al now. 185 00:08:46,975 --> 00:08:48,876 That's crazy. Why should you do that? 186 00:08:48,943 --> 00:08:51,879 'Cause he's such a great guy and I like him so much. 187 00:08:51,946 --> 00:08:52,846 Oh. 188 00:08:57,819 --> 00:08:59,420 I'm going to say something to you 189 00:08:59,488 --> 00:09:01,688 and I think you know what it is. 190 00:09:01,756 --> 00:09:02,956 Buzz off? 191 00:09:03,025 --> 00:09:04,025 No. 192 00:09:04,759 --> 00:09:05,893 I love you. 193 00:09:05,960 --> 00:09:06,994 What? 194 00:09:07,062 --> 00:09:08,162 I love you. 195 00:09:08,230 --> 00:09:09,397 Wow! 196 00:09:09,464 --> 00:09:11,265 You know, I still haven't heard you say it. 197 00:09:13,468 --> 00:09:15,702 I love you! 198 00:09:15,770 --> 00:09:17,405 That's all I needed to hear. 199 00:09:20,942 --> 00:09:23,344 My, my. You make a lovely couple. 200 00:09:24,479 --> 00:09:25,479 Hey, vlada, 201 00:09:25,547 --> 00:09:27,181 why don't you hang this on the wall 202 00:09:27,249 --> 00:09:28,649 in place of my old photo? 203 00:09:29,717 --> 00:09:31,185 Hey. Where is it? 204 00:09:31,253 --> 00:09:32,986 Uh, well, you know, um... 205 00:09:35,657 --> 00:09:36,890 Ugh! 206 00:09:36,958 --> 00:09:38,959 Mr. hawke, could I have your autograph? 207 00:09:39,027 --> 00:09:41,895 I just loved you in crocodile Gandhi. 208 00:09:41,963 --> 00:09:43,730 You see? People did like that picture. 209 00:09:43,798 --> 00:09:45,566 I'm sorry, I just didn't think 210 00:09:45,633 --> 00:09:48,069 you made a very convincing mahatma. 211 00:09:48,136 --> 00:09:51,205 I will bring peace between the hindu and the Muslim, 212 00:09:51,273 --> 00:09:54,408 but first a tasteful glimpse of my bottom for the ladies. 213 00:09:56,578 --> 00:09:59,913 Don't look so smug. I've got my fans, too. 214 00:09:59,981 --> 00:10:02,816 Excuse me. Could I rub your hump for luck? 215 00:10:02,884 --> 00:10:04,118 I don't have a hump. 216 00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:07,254 You hunchbacks are so selfish. 217 00:10:08,523 --> 00:10:09,923 Get away from me! 218 00:10:11,025 --> 00:10:12,460 Jay! 219 00:10:13,462 --> 00:10:15,129 I'll be right over. 220 00:10:15,663 --> 00:10:17,164 Oh, no. 221 00:10:17,232 --> 00:10:18,299 What's wrong, mate? 222 00:10:18,366 --> 00:10:20,101 I'm afraid if my girlfriend meets you, 223 00:10:20,168 --> 00:10:21,602 she won't want me anymore. 224 00:10:21,669 --> 00:10:22,869 You've got a point, there. 225 00:10:22,937 --> 00:10:24,938 Women love me no matter what I do. 226 00:10:25,006 --> 00:10:27,174 I've tried not shaving, I've tried not bathing. 227 00:10:27,242 --> 00:10:29,743 I've even tried talking like this. 228 00:10:29,811 --> 00:10:31,044 No use. 229 00:10:31,113 --> 00:10:33,680 Sweetheart, this is Jeremy hawke. 230 00:10:33,748 --> 00:10:34,781 Hi. 231 00:10:34,849 --> 00:10:36,883 Honey, I was just having lunch with my agent. 232 00:10:36,951 --> 00:10:39,286 Oh. Is he the one sucking the marrow out of the bones? 233 00:10:40,489 --> 00:10:43,290 Uh-huh. Well, anyway, I'll see you tonight. 234 00:10:51,133 --> 00:10:52,466 I'm very happy for you. 235 00:10:52,534 --> 00:10:54,468 ♪ Take your genitalia 236 00:10:54,536 --> 00:10:56,604 ♪ right back to Australia 237 00:10:56,671 --> 00:10:58,506 all right. All right. 238 00:10:58,573 --> 00:11:00,374 Congratulations, my friend. 239 00:11:00,442 --> 00:11:03,310 You have reached up to heaven and plucked out an angel. 240 00:11:03,378 --> 00:11:05,412 I'm thinking of asking her to marry me. 241 00:11:06,581 --> 00:11:08,482 Oh, you bloody twit. Come with me. 242 00:11:08,550 --> 00:11:09,416 Huh! 243 00:11:11,453 --> 00:11:13,587 Bubbee, never marry an actress, 244 00:11:13,655 --> 00:11:16,723 and never do blackface at the n.A.A.C.P. Image awards. 245 00:11:16,791 --> 00:11:18,992 2 things I've learned from experience. 246 00:11:19,060 --> 00:11:20,494 But I love Valerie. 247 00:11:20,562 --> 00:11:22,396 I'm taking her to meet my parents this week. 248 00:11:22,464 --> 00:11:24,865 Jay, we have a saying in Australia. 249 00:11:24,932 --> 00:11:27,501 Well, it's not really a saying, it's a drinking song. 250 00:11:27,569 --> 00:11:30,437 It's about a bottle of beer and the men who loved her. 251 00:11:30,505 --> 00:11:31,905 And it doesn't really apply here, 252 00:11:31,973 --> 00:11:35,276 but my advice to you is slow down. 253 00:11:35,343 --> 00:11:36,843 Why are you telling me this? 254 00:11:36,911 --> 00:11:40,013 Because you're the only decent guy I've met in this dreadful country. 255 00:11:40,081 --> 00:11:41,482 I love you, mate. 256 00:11:41,550 --> 00:11:43,517 Wow, that's twice in one day. 257 00:11:43,585 --> 00:11:44,951 I love you, too. 258 00:11:45,019 --> 00:11:46,487 You just love my money. 259 00:11:46,555 --> 00:11:47,754 That is true. 260 00:11:47,822 --> 00:11:50,157 But it is a love that will never die. 261 00:11:52,627 --> 00:11:54,662 I can't believe your folks live here. 262 00:11:55,697 --> 00:11:57,331 You know, Valerie, 263 00:11:57,399 --> 00:11:59,200 there's something I should tell you about my parents. 264 00:12:00,535 --> 00:12:01,802 Hello, son. 265 00:12:01,869 --> 00:12:03,470 You're adopted. 266 00:12:03,538 --> 00:12:04,805 Well, duh. 267 00:12:06,741 --> 00:12:09,677 Good to see you, adopted master Jay. 268 00:12:09,744 --> 00:12:10,711 Ugh! 269 00:12:10,778 --> 00:12:12,680 This is my sister, margo. 270 00:12:12,747 --> 00:12:16,183 She's a junior at Ms. hathaway's school for untouched girls. 271 00:12:16,251 --> 00:12:19,186 Margo, this is Valerie. 272 00:12:19,254 --> 00:12:20,487 She loves me. 273 00:12:25,860 --> 00:12:28,128 I saw your show the other night, son. 274 00:12:28,196 --> 00:12:29,830 Doing the weather now, are you? 275 00:12:29,897 --> 00:12:32,132 No, dad. That was the shermometer. 276 00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:34,635 So, my boy, do you think it'll snow tomorrow? 277 00:12:34,703 --> 00:12:35,736 I don't know. 278 00:12:35,803 --> 00:12:38,004 Well, we sure could use some snow. 279 00:12:38,072 --> 00:12:41,041 Had the chains on since July. 280 00:12:41,109 --> 00:12:43,611 My father had a stroke a few years ago. 281 00:12:43,678 --> 00:12:45,112 He didn't really. 282 00:12:45,179 --> 00:12:48,048 We just say that to explain his personality. 283 00:12:48,116 --> 00:12:51,385 The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. 284 00:12:55,857 --> 00:12:58,492 So, I hear you're an actress. 285 00:12:58,560 --> 00:13:00,694 Oh, wait. It is a nut. 286 00:13:00,762 --> 00:13:03,029 Yes. My first movie comes out next week. 287 00:13:03,097 --> 00:13:04,798 Oh, I see. 288 00:13:04,866 --> 00:13:07,033 You're just dating my son till he gives you a good review. 289 00:13:07,101 --> 00:13:08,201 Then you'll drop him, 290 00:13:08,270 --> 00:13:10,937 and he'll be back here with one of those nice girls 291 00:13:11,005 --> 00:13:12,539 from the escort service. 292 00:13:12,607 --> 00:13:15,075 I'm not dating your son for a good review. 293 00:13:15,143 --> 00:13:17,010 I just hope that after he sees the movie, 294 00:13:17,078 --> 00:13:18,646 he doesn't stop loving me. 295 00:13:18,713 --> 00:13:20,213 I'm not gonna stop loving you 296 00:13:20,282 --> 00:13:23,484 after I've been decaying in the ground for 200 years. 297 00:13:23,551 --> 00:13:25,319 Oh! Can't one dinner go by 298 00:13:25,387 --> 00:13:28,188 where we don't talk about your rotting corpse? 299 00:13:28,256 --> 00:13:29,256 Sorry. 300 00:13:29,324 --> 00:13:31,057 I'm sure Valerie loves you. 301 00:13:31,125 --> 00:13:33,394 I only brought it up because we care about you. 302 00:13:33,461 --> 00:13:36,697 That's why we finally decided not to give you back to the orphanage. 303 00:13:36,765 --> 00:13:38,732 You were thinking of giving me back? 304 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:42,536 Oh, son, if I've said it once, I've said it 1,000 times. 305 00:13:43,705 --> 00:13:45,872 Who are all you people? 306 00:13:45,940 --> 00:13:48,975 And this is where I had my 8th birthday party. 307 00:13:49,043 --> 00:13:51,578 The clown scared me and I wet my pants. 308 00:13:51,646 --> 00:13:54,214 Everyone laughed and called me "wee wee." 309 00:13:54,282 --> 00:13:55,949 Kids can be so cruel. 310 00:13:56,017 --> 00:13:57,351 Hiya, wee wee. 311 00:13:57,419 --> 00:13:58,885 Still wetting them drawers? 312 00:13:58,953 --> 00:14:00,554 Oh, shut up! 313 00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,222 Sure thing, Mr. "w." 314 00:14:03,958 --> 00:14:06,393 Valerie, how'd you like to go for a ride? 315 00:14:06,961 --> 00:14:08,429 Sure. 316 00:14:08,496 --> 00:14:09,830 Jay, are you coming? 317 00:14:09,897 --> 00:14:10,931 Sorry. 318 00:14:10,998 --> 00:14:14,134 I had a very bad experience with a horse once. 319 00:14:14,202 --> 00:14:16,136 Now, before I let you ride the pony, 320 00:14:16,204 --> 00:14:18,872 are you sure you weigh less than 80 pounds? 321 00:14:18,940 --> 00:14:20,140 Uh, yeah. 322 00:14:23,545 --> 00:14:24,645 Patches. 323 00:14:24,713 --> 00:14:25,679 No! 324 00:14:29,884 --> 00:14:31,585 Now, look, I'll be honest. 325 00:14:31,653 --> 00:14:33,954 This is the ride I take with all my brother's girlfriends 326 00:14:34,021 --> 00:14:36,189 where they admit they're just using him. 327 00:14:36,257 --> 00:14:39,960 Why does everyone have such a hard time believing I love Jay? 328 00:14:40,027 --> 00:14:41,862 How can I put this? 329 00:14:41,929 --> 00:14:42,996 For one thing, 330 00:14:43,064 --> 00:14:45,432 his butt sticks out like an air conditioner. 331 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:47,835 Ooh, a daffodil. 332 00:14:49,437 --> 00:14:52,406 Listen, I meet incredible-looking guys 333 00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:54,742 all the time. 334 00:14:54,809 --> 00:14:57,978 But I never met a man as smart and funny 335 00:14:58,045 --> 00:15:00,714 and who appreciates me as much as your brother. 336 00:15:00,782 --> 00:15:01,715 Really? 337 00:15:01,783 --> 00:15:02,816 Really. 338 00:15:02,884 --> 00:15:04,251 Oh, great. 339 00:15:04,318 --> 00:15:06,119 Welcome to our crappy family. 340 00:15:11,292 --> 00:15:12,626 Hurry up, dad, 341 00:15:12,694 --> 00:15:14,461 you've only got 10 seconds to get to long island. 342 00:15:14,529 --> 00:15:16,497 Uh-oh. Yankee stadium is emptying out. 343 00:15:16,564 --> 00:15:18,499 And it's nickel-beer day. 344 00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:22,403 Oh, no. The rev. Al sharpton! 345 00:15:22,470 --> 00:15:23,837 Blah, blah, blah. 346 00:15:23,905 --> 00:15:25,338 Blah, blah, blah. 347 00:15:25,407 --> 00:15:26,807 Blah, blah, blah. 348 00:15:26,875 --> 00:15:28,742 Blah, blah, blah, blah. 349 00:15:30,712 --> 00:15:32,012 ♪ 350 00:15:33,014 --> 00:15:35,248 Dad, I've never seen you so happy. 351 00:15:35,316 --> 00:15:36,717 Does this have something to do 352 00:15:36,785 --> 00:15:38,752 with the naked lady you were in bed with? 353 00:15:38,820 --> 00:15:41,688 Ha! Out of the mouths of babes. 354 00:15:41,756 --> 00:15:45,191 Son, let me tell you the key to holding on to a woman. 355 00:15:45,259 --> 00:15:46,860 You must build from a foundation 356 00:15:46,928 --> 00:15:48,429 of trust and understanding. 357 00:15:48,496 --> 00:15:50,997 If that doesn't work, tell her you have a tumor. 358 00:15:51,065 --> 00:15:53,634 Either way, the key word is "growth." 359 00:15:53,701 --> 00:15:54,835 I don't get it. 360 00:15:54,903 --> 00:15:56,470 The point is, 361 00:15:56,538 --> 00:15:58,138 tonight there's a screening of my girlfriend's movie. 362 00:15:58,205 --> 00:15:59,573 I'm going to play sick 363 00:15:59,641 --> 00:16:01,542 so I don't have to review it. 364 00:16:01,609 --> 00:16:03,410 So, you're saying it's ok to lie? 365 00:16:03,478 --> 00:16:06,346 No, son. You should only lie in that rare case 366 00:16:06,414 --> 00:16:08,682 where the good far outdoes the harm. 367 00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:10,717 My friend and I have a bet. 368 00:16:10,785 --> 00:16:12,619 Are you Dustin Hoffman? 369 00:16:13,287 --> 00:16:14,287 Yes. 370 00:16:17,826 --> 00:16:19,894 This is m.J.N.N.: 371 00:16:19,961 --> 00:16:21,995 The Michael Jackson news network, 372 00:16:22,063 --> 00:16:25,132 with bureaus in Bangkok, London and Disneyland. 373 00:16:27,469 --> 00:16:28,769 Sweetheart. 374 00:16:30,839 --> 00:16:32,372 Honey, I heard you were sick. 375 00:16:32,441 --> 00:16:33,441 Oh, yes, I am. 376 00:16:33,508 --> 00:16:35,342 Much too sick to see your movie. 377 00:16:37,479 --> 00:16:39,547 Oh! Oh, poor baby. 378 00:16:39,614 --> 00:16:42,483 Valerie, I want to tell you how happy you've made me. 379 00:16:42,551 --> 00:16:44,518 Something's opened within me. 380 00:16:44,586 --> 00:16:46,787 We men have petals, too, you know. 381 00:16:47,923 --> 00:16:51,559 ♪ A story told through time 382 00:16:54,028 --> 00:16:56,931 ♪ happening in New York 383 00:16:59,133 --> 00:17:01,335 ♪ he's a lemon 384 00:17:01,402 --> 00:17:04,371 ♪ she's a lime 385 00:17:05,440 --> 00:17:08,843 ♪ beauty and king dork 386 00:17:11,112 --> 00:17:14,615 ♪ he's Adam to her Eve 387 00:17:16,685 --> 00:17:20,320 ♪ she's mindy to his mork 388 00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:23,691 ♪ her hair's like silk 389 00:17:23,758 --> 00:17:27,060 ♪ he's had a weave 390 00:17:28,763 --> 00:17:31,331 ♪ beauty and king dork 391 00:17:32,701 --> 00:17:34,401 what did you say? 392 00:17:34,469 --> 00:17:35,903 Huh? Oh, I... I said, 393 00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:37,872 how useful is the spork. 394 00:17:37,939 --> 00:17:39,607 You know, that spoon-fork thing 395 00:17:39,674 --> 00:17:41,742 you get at Kentucky fried chicken. 396 00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,944 I covered that up pretty well. 397 00:17:47,616 --> 00:17:50,150 Sorry you missed the screening of kiss of death tonight. 398 00:17:50,218 --> 00:17:51,719 I'm a very sick man. 399 00:17:51,786 --> 00:17:54,522 Oh? Well, anyway, they sent over a cassette of the movie. 400 00:17:54,589 --> 00:17:56,256 Boss wants you to review it tomorrow. 401 00:17:56,324 --> 00:17:58,959 No! No! Oh, my shrink was right. 402 00:17:59,027 --> 00:18:00,694 God does hate me. 403 00:18:04,799 --> 00:18:07,067 Ah, come on. How bad could she be? 404 00:18:07,135 --> 00:18:08,468 She's wonderful. 405 00:18:08,537 --> 00:18:10,137 ♪ 406 00:18:12,106 --> 00:18:14,441 Come on, baby, give me a kiss. 407 00:18:15,911 --> 00:18:18,412 Oh, I'll give you a kiss, all right. 408 00:18:18,479 --> 00:18:20,447 A kiss of death. 409 00:18:20,515 --> 00:18:22,315 Hotchie-motchie. 410 00:18:22,383 --> 00:18:23,784 She's awful. 411 00:18:23,852 --> 00:18:26,720 "My darling, I'm going off to review your movie. 412 00:18:26,788 --> 00:18:28,188 "If you're here when I come back, 413 00:18:28,256 --> 00:18:30,090 "I'll know our love really meant something. 414 00:18:30,158 --> 00:18:31,625 If you're not, I'll know why." 415 00:18:33,595 --> 00:18:35,529 In case you are going... 416 00:18:38,266 --> 00:18:40,133 Yo! Get out of my way! 417 00:18:40,201 --> 00:18:42,803 Did you ever love a woman so much that... 418 00:18:42,871 --> 00:18:44,271 look at sign. 419 00:18:46,975 --> 00:18:48,275 Oh! 420 00:18:48,342 --> 00:18:50,343 Doris, I'm about to do a review 421 00:18:50,411 --> 00:18:52,212 that could cost me the woman I love. 422 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:53,781 Gee, that's tough. 423 00:18:53,848 --> 00:18:57,384 Sometimes I think this job isn't worth $271,000 a year. 424 00:18:57,452 --> 00:18:59,587 $271,000? 425 00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:03,290 Put it out! Put out my head! 426 00:19:03,357 --> 00:19:04,992 You did that on purpose. 427 00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,595 So, what if I did? I'm union. 428 00:19:07,662 --> 00:19:09,597 Welcome to coming attractions. 429 00:19:09,664 --> 00:19:11,264 Tonight we'll be reviewing 430 00:19:11,332 --> 00:19:13,333 family affair: The motion picture. 431 00:19:13,401 --> 00:19:17,071 Just look who got $8 million to play Mr. French. 432 00:19:18,707 --> 00:19:20,540 Buffy, Jody, 433 00:19:20,609 --> 00:19:22,109 for your lunch I have made 434 00:19:22,176 --> 00:19:24,078 peanut butter and banana sandwiches. 435 00:19:24,145 --> 00:19:27,881 Would you make a sandwich for my doll, Mrs. beasley? 436 00:19:27,949 --> 00:19:30,283 Yeah, sure. That's exactly what I feel like doing. 437 00:19:30,351 --> 00:19:32,419 Of course I can get together a little sandwich 438 00:19:32,487 --> 00:19:34,287 for your stupid little doll. Hang on a sec'. 439 00:19:34,355 --> 00:19:36,123 But first, we will be looking 440 00:19:36,190 --> 00:19:38,792 at the new romantic thriller, kiss of death. 441 00:19:39,961 --> 00:19:41,695 I'm afraid you can't review this film 442 00:19:41,763 --> 00:19:44,665 without reviewing its lead actress, Valerie fox. 443 00:19:44,733 --> 00:19:47,167 She's a beautiful girl and she tries her best. 444 00:19:47,235 --> 00:19:49,136 But God bless her sweet face, 445 00:19:49,203 --> 00:19:51,872 she just wasn't very good this time. 446 00:19:51,940 --> 00:19:55,475 But many actresses started badly and got better. 447 00:19:55,543 --> 00:19:56,977 Brilliant even. 448 00:19:57,045 --> 00:19:58,545 Sally field, 449 00:19:58,613 --> 00:20:00,147 Cher, 450 00:20:00,214 --> 00:20:04,384 uh, those adorable Olsen twins on full house. 451 00:20:04,452 --> 00:20:05,452 Oh. 452 00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:06,586 On this t.V., 453 00:20:06,655 --> 00:20:09,990 I do believe his nose is bigger than my foot. 454 00:20:10,058 --> 00:20:12,059 Look. See? Isn't that incredible? 455 00:20:14,328 --> 00:20:15,729 Please, you've got to tell me. 456 00:20:15,797 --> 00:20:17,698 Did a beautiful woman leave my apartment? 457 00:20:17,766 --> 00:20:18,766 I wouldn't know. 458 00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:20,801 I've been drinking in the alley all morning. 459 00:20:22,303 --> 00:20:25,072 Please be there. Please be there. Please be there. 460 00:20:26,507 --> 00:20:27,574 Valerie! 461 00:20:28,743 --> 00:20:30,410 You're still here. 462 00:20:30,478 --> 00:20:32,046 You're short, you're fat, 463 00:20:32,113 --> 00:20:34,481 and even for a film critic, you're ugly. 464 00:20:38,419 --> 00:20:40,387 Oh, I see, you want me to beg. 465 00:20:40,454 --> 00:20:43,590 Well, there's one thing you didn't count on, I have no pride. 466 00:20:43,658 --> 00:20:45,959 Please, please, please. 467 00:20:46,027 --> 00:20:48,428 Please, please. 468 00:20:53,201 --> 00:20:55,202 Denise, if you come back to me, 469 00:20:55,269 --> 00:20:57,071 I'll give up gambling for good. 470 00:20:57,138 --> 00:20:58,505 What a loser. 471 00:20:58,573 --> 00:21:01,075 Soon-yi, I... I swear I didn't know 472 00:21:01,142 --> 00:21:02,776 she was your sister. 473 00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:05,145 You know, a lot of people think I'm a cynic, 474 00:21:05,213 --> 00:21:07,247 but I'm not. You know why? 475 00:21:07,315 --> 00:21:09,983 Because I know you're coming back to me. 476 00:21:10,051 --> 00:21:11,085 Now! 477 00:21:12,253 --> 00:21:13,253 Now! 478 00:21:14,655 --> 00:21:15,689 Now. 479 00:21:22,613 --> 00:21:24,965 I thought you were taking Kathy out tonight. 480 00:21:25,033 --> 00:21:26,666 Why do they call it "taking out"? 481 00:21:26,735 --> 00:21:29,136 I took her to a restaurant. It wasn't out, it was in. 482 00:21:29,204 --> 00:21:30,537 I would say I'm taking her in, 483 00:21:30,605 --> 00:21:32,372 but then she sounds like a pair of pants. 484 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:33,707 Whoa! Oh! 485 00:21:35,744 --> 00:21:37,510 Why aren't you laughing, dad? 486 00:21:37,578 --> 00:21:39,546 This is how people actually talk. 487 00:21:39,614 --> 00:21:41,681 I'm sitting on top of a volcano of rage 488 00:21:41,750 --> 00:21:43,516 and I've got nowhere to direct it. 489 00:21:44,485 --> 00:21:45,919 There's a critic's screening 490 00:21:45,987 --> 00:21:48,355 of the new Sylvester Stallone movie tonight. 491 00:21:48,422 --> 00:21:49,489 What's it about? 492 00:21:49,557 --> 00:21:50,523 Let's see. 493 00:21:50,591 --> 00:21:51,959 He plays a concert pianist who... 494 00:21:52,026 --> 00:21:53,727 to the multiplex! 495 00:21:53,795 --> 00:21:54,828 Yeah! 496 00:22:45,596 --> 00:22:47,563 Celebrity voices are impersonated. 497 00:22:47,631 --> 00:22:50,867 No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode. 498 00:22:55,173 --> 00:22:56,940 Excuse me, sir, the show's over. 499 00:22:57,008 --> 00:22:59,176 Get away, zit-face. 500 00:23:00,611 --> 00:23:01,544 Shh.