[CHARLIE SEXTON'S "GRACELAND" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
In Jailhouse Rock, he was everything rockabilly is about.
I mean, he is rockabilly.
Mean, surly, nasty, rude.
In that movie, he couldn't give a fuck about nothing.
Except rocking and rolling, living fast, dying young...
...and leaving a good-looking corpse. You know?
I watch that hillbilly and I want to be him so bad.
Elvis looked good.
Hey, I ain't no fag. But Elvis was prettier than most women.
You know? Most women.
You know, I always said, if I had to fuck a guy. I mean, had to...
...if my life depended on it...
...I'd fuck Elvis.
I'd fuck Elvis.
-Really? -Well, when he was alive, not now.
I don't blame you.
So, we'd both fuck Elvis.
It's nice to meet people with common interests, ain't it?
Well, enough about the King. How about you?
How about me what?
How about you go to the movies with me tonight?
What are we gonna see?
A Sonny Chiba triple feature.
The Streetfighter, Return of the Streetfighter...
...and Sister Streetfighter.
Who's Sonny Chiba?
Well, he is, bar none, the finest actor working in martial arts movies today.
You want to take me to a kung-fu movie?
Three kung-fu movies.
I don't think so.
Not really my cup of tea.
All right.
WOMAN: I had to come all the way from the highways and byways...
...of Tallahassee, Florida...
...to Motor City, Detroit to find my true love.
If you gave me a million years to ponder...
...I would never have guessed that true romance and Detroit would go together.
And to this day, the events that followed all seem like a distant dream.
But the dream was real...
...and was to change our lives forever.
[SIREN WAILING]
I kept asking Clarence why our world seemed to be collapsing...
...and everything seemed so shitty.
And he'd say:
"That's the way it goes. But don't forget...
...it goes the other way too."
That's the way romance is.
Usually that's the way it goes.
But every once in a while it goes the other way too.
MAN 1 [ON FILM]: My heart beats and there is time.
MAN 2: Don't move, Tojo.
You'll be unconscious soon through lack of oxygen.
It's an ancient technique.
MAN 1: An oxygen....
MAN 2: Come.
Oh, look what happened!
-Oh, God, I am so sorry. -That's okay.
-Are you okay? -Yeah, I'm fine.
Oh, Jesus, I am the clumsiest person in the world.
That's all right. Accidents happen.
What a wonderful philosophy. Thanks for being such a sweetheart.
Because you could have been a real dick.
MAN 1 [ON FILM]: Come on! Ready?
MAN 2: Larry, where are we going?
[THUNDER RUMBLING ON FILM]
Look, we don't know what's going to be coming next.
MAN 1: You mean you're scared?
MAN 2: Hey, laundromat clothes!
You mind if I smoke?
No.
Listen, do you mind filling me in on what I missed?
No, no.
See this, that guy up there? It's Sonny Chiba.
ALABAMA: The Oriental?
CLARENCE: Yeah, the one in black.
You want a Goober?
Uh, no. Yeah. See, in the beginning of the movie he was hired to get this guy.
ALABAMA: You have got popcorn all over you.
CLARENCE: Thanks. Thanks a lot.
ALABAMA: Is he supposed to be a good guy?
Well, he ain't so much a good guy as he's just a bad motherfucker.
I mean, he gets paid by people to fuck guys up. You know.
ALABAMA: Whoo! Woo!
You took a cab to see three kung-fu movies?
ALABAMA: Sure, why not?
Nothing, nothing. You're a girl after my own heart. That's all.
Do you know what time it is?
It's about 12.
I suppose you've got to get up early, huh?
No, no, not particularly, how come?
It's just after I see a movie, I like to go get a piece of pie...
...and talk about it. It's sort of a little tradition I have.
Do you like to get pie after you see a good movie?
Yeah, I love to get pie after a movie.
Would you like to go get some pie with me?
[BOTH LAUGH]
I'd love some pie.
CLARENCE: I mean, in that movie he couldn't give a fuck about nothing...
...except rocking and rolling, living fast, dying young...
...and leaving a good-looking corpse.
Enough about the King. How about you?
How about me what?
Well, tell me about yourself.
What do you want to know?
Well, for starters, what do you do?
Where are you from? What's your favorite color?
Who's your favorite movie star?
What kind of music do you like?
What are your turn-ons, your turn-offs?
I guess the big question is, do you have a fella?
Okay, ask me again, one by one.
-What do you do? -I don't remember.
-Where are you from? -I don't know.
-What's your favorite color? -I don't know. Black?
-Well, who's your favorite movie star? -Burt Reynolds.
Do you want a bite of my pie?
Yes, I would. A little one.
All right.
-You all right? It's good. -Mm-hm.
-You like it? -Mm-hm.
What kind of music do you like?
Phil Spector. Girl-group stuff like "He's a Rebel."
What are your turn-ons?
Mickey Rourke, a man who can appreciate the finer things in life, like sugar.
[LAUGHS]
Elvis' voice, kung fu, pie.
Turn-offs?
-Turn-offs. -Mm-hm.
Persians.
Do you have a fella?
Ask me that one a little bit later.
In a theater full of empty seats, why did you sit by me?
Because you looked like a nice guy.
So I had to dump my popcorn all over you.
I'll get the check. Where to next?
ALABAMA: Can I peek?
Now, don't peek. Keep your eyes shut. All right?
All right, I am turning the lights on. Okay, open them.
ALABAMA: Oh, wow!
Wow, what a swell place to work!
Yeah, it is pretty cool. I got the keys...
...so I just come in, you know, read comics, play music.
You worked here a long time?
Almost four years.
[CHARLES & EDDIE'S "WOUNDED BIRD" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
That's a long time.
Yeah, I know, but it's not so bad. I mean, I'm pretty friendly...
...with most of the customers. So I just hang out, you know...
...bullshit, read comic books.
You get paid a lot?
No, that's where the trouble comes into paradise.
But the boss, he's a pretty nice guy. He lets you borrow money...
...from time to time, if you need it.
You want to see what Spiderman number one looks like?
You bet.
CLARENCE: Just great stories, great characters, beautiful artwork.
See, in this one here, Nick, he's gotten this ring...
...for his sweetheart and he wears it around his neck on a chain.
And later on in the story, he gets in this fight with this Nazi bastard.
And the Kraut, he grabs hold of the chain.
Well, the ring goes overboard.
Nick, he dives into the ocean to get it.
Isn't that cool?
[SIRENS WAILING]
What is it? You're crying? What did I do? Did I do something?
-You didn't do nothing. -What is it?
I have something I got to tell you.
I didn't just happen to be at that theater. I was paid to be there.
If you were paid to be there, what are you? A theater checker?
You get paid to check up on the box-office girls?
Make sure they're not ripping the place off?
I'm not a theater checker. I'm a call girl.
You're a whore?
No, I'm a call girl, and there's a difference, you know.
Okay, here it goes. You know the place you took me to last night?
The place you work.
-Heroes for Sale? -You got a boss, right?
-Yeah. -Okay, what's his name?
Lance.
That's him. He called the place where I work.
He ordered a girl for you. He said he wanted you to get laid.
Said you didn't get out much, and it was your birthday and all.
He wanted me to act like I just showed up.
Now, how did he know you were gonna be at that theater?
Well, I go to the movies every year on my birthday.
In fact, he called me up this week to find out...
...what my birthday movie was gonna be.
You're not mad?
No, man. I can't tell you....
That was one of the best times I ever had.
It was. You know, I knew something must be rotten in Denmark.
There's no way you could like me that much.
I can't tell you how relieved I was, when you took off your dress...
...you didn't have a dick.
Stop being so fucking calm about all this!
Go look in your house. There's a note on your TV.
And all it says is, "Dear Clarence," because I couldn't write any more.
So I just said, "Alabama, come clean."
And just tell him what's what. And if he tells you...
...to go back to Drexl and fuck yourself...
...then go back to Drexl and fuck yourself.
Drexl? What's a Drexl?
Please shut up! I'm trying to come clean, okay?
I've been a call girl for exactly four days, and you are my third customer.
I want you to know that I am not damaged goods.
I'm not what they call in Florida "white trash"!
I'm a really good person.
And when it comes to relationships...
...I am 100 percent....
I'm 100 percent monogamous.
You stay with one guy?
Exactly. If I'm with you, then I'm with you.
And I don't want anybody else.
Now I got to tell you something else.
When you said last night was one of the best times you ever had...
...did you mean, physically?
Yeah, yeah. But I'm talking about the whole night.
I mean, I never had as much fun with a girl as I had with you, my whole life.
It's true. You like Elvis. You like Janis...
...you like kung-fu movies. You like The Partridge Family....
Actually, I don't like The Partridge Family.
That was part of the act.
Clarence....
And I feel really goofy saying this...
...after only knowing you one night, and me being a call girl and all....
But I think I love you.
Wait a second.
Look, I've been trying to keep this whole thing in perspective.
I mean, you just said you loved me.
Now, if I say I love you, and just throw caution to the wind...
...and let the chips fall where they may...
...and you're lying to me, I'm gonna fucking die.
I'm not lying to you. And I swear from this moment forth...
...I will never lie to you again.
-Well, hello, Mrs. Worley. -How do you do, Mr. Worley.
CLARENCE: Top of the morning to you, Mrs. Worley.
ALABAMA: The bottom of the ninth, Mr. Worley.
By the way, have you seen your lovely little wife today?
Are you speaking of my beautiful, charming, sexy wife, Mrs. Alabama Worley?
Why, are there any others, Mr. Worley?
No, not for me, no.
-No. No. -Yes, yes.
[BILLY IDOL'S "WHITE WEDDING" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Excuse me. Do you think you could turn down the heat just a teeny bit?
Bama, I gotta ask you a question. Who and what is a Drexl?
-Shh! CLARENCE: Huh?
He was my pimp.
CLARENCE: You had a pimp?
I was a call girl.
Call girls have pimps.
Was he black?
He thinks he is. He said his mama was an Apache, but I suspect he's lying.
Is he nice?
I wouldn't go so far as to say that. He treated me pretty decent.
I was only there for four days. He got a little bit rough the other day.
-What do you mean? With you? -No, with my friend Arlene.
What did he do to Arlene?
Slapped her around a little bit. Kicked her in the stomach.
-It was scary. -This motherfucker sounds beautiful.
What did you do to end up with a son of a bitch like that?
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
DON: What you motherfuckers talking about?
Floyd say he don't be eating pussy.
Drexl, any nigger says he don't eat pussy's lying his ass off.
I heard that.
Hold on a second. Big D., you saying you eat pussy?
Yeah, motherfucker, I eat the pussy, I eat the bud.
I eat every motherfucking thing.
If I ever did eat some pussy-- I would never eat any pussy, right?
But if I did eat some pussy...
...I sure as hell wouldn't tell no-goddamn-body about it.
I'd be ashamed as a motherfucker, man.
Shit, nigger, you smoke enough sherm...
...your dumb ass will do a lot of motherfucking things.
You'd be up in there sucking niggers' dicks!
Yo, man, fuck you guys, man. You guys are fucked up, all right?
Hey, yo. Yo. Wait a second. We're just fucking with you.
Huh?
In fact, I'm going to show you what I mean with a little demonstration.
Toss me the burner.
All right, peep this.
Pretend it's that fine, centerfold bitch.
You know what I'm saying? And you are you.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[GRUNTING]
[IMITATING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
-Honey, where you going? -Bathroom.
[MENTOR SINGING "HEARTBREAK HOTEL"]
MENTOR: Well, can you live with it? CLARENCE: What?
MENTOR: I said can you live with it? -Live with what?
That son of a bitch walking around breathing the same air as you.
Getting away with it every day.
-Are you haunted? -Yeah.
You want to get un-haunted?
-Oh, yeah. -Well, I'd kill him.
Shoot him in the face. Put him down like a dog.
I can't believe what you're telling me.
I'm not saying nothing. I'm just saying what I'd do.
You'd do that?
The fuck don't deserve to live.
Look, he's haunting me, you know.
I do want to kill him, but I don't want to spend...
-...the rest of my life in jail. -Hey, man, I don't blame you.
-If I thought I'd get away with it.... -Get away with it?
Killing is the hard part. Getting away with it, that's easy.
You think a cop gives a fuck about a pimp?
Listen. Every pimp in the world could get shot.
Two in the back of the fucking head. Cops would throw a party, man.
As long as you're not at the scene of the crime...
...with a smoking gun in your hand...
...you'll get away with it. Clarence, I like you.
Always have, always will.
Bama.
Where you going?
I need you to write down your former address.
Why?
Well, so I can go over there and pick up your stuff, that's why.
Oh, baby, come on, Clarence. I just want to disappear from there.
Look, Bama, I know this scares the shit out of you...
...but I am not scared of that motherfucker.
You are completely out of his reach. He poses absolutely no threat to you.
If he doesn't matter, which he doesn't...
...then it just seems silly you lose all your things now, that's all.
Shh! Listen.
You don't know him.
No, you don't know me. Not when it comes to shit like this.
I need to do this.
I want you to know that you can count on me to protect you.
Come on, please just write it down.
This isn't a good idea.
I'm telling you, it's going to be fine. I'll be in and out of there.
-Be careful. -I will.
-I love you. -I love you too.
[NYMPHOMANIA'S "I WANT YOUR BODY" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
You want something?
-Yeah, you Drexl? -No, man, I'm Marty.
Well, I want to talk to Drexl.
Well, what the fuck you want to talk to him about?
It's about Alabama.
MARTY: He was asking about Alabama.
-Where the fuck is that bitch? -She's with me.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm her husband.
Well, that makes us practically related.
Have a seat, boy.
You have yourself an egg roll. We got everything here...
...from a diddle-eyed Joe to damned if I know.
No, thanks.
No, thanks? What that mean?
I think you're too scared to be eating.
Now, see....
We're sitting down here, ready to negotiate.
And you've already given up your shit.
I'm still a mystery to you.
But I know exactly where your white ass is coming from.
See, if I ask if you want some dinner...
...and you grab an egg roll and start to chow down...
...I say to myself, "This motherfucker, he's carrying on like he ain't got...
...a care in the world." And who knows? Maybe he don't.
Maybe this fool is such a bad motherfucker...
...he don't got to worry about nothing. He just sit down...
...watch my motherfucking TV.
See?
You ain't even sat down yet.
And on that TV over there, since you've been in the room...
...there's a woman with her breasts just hanging out.
You ain't even bothered to look.
You just been clocking me.
Now, I know I'm pretty. But I ain't as pretty as a couple of titties.
[DREXL LAUGHS]
Ooh-ee! This child be fierce.
I'm not eating because I'm not hungry.
I'm not sitting because I'm not staying.
I ain't looking at the movie because I already seen it seven years ago.
It's The Mack.
Max Julian, Carol Speed and Richard Pryor.
I'm not scared of you, I just don't like you.
And that envelope right there, it's some pay-off money.
Alabama is moving on to some greener pastures.
We're not negotiating, I don't like to barter.
What's in the envelope right there is for my peace of mind.
My peace of mind is worth that much. Not one penny more.
It's empty.
Marty, you know what we got here? A motherfucking Charlie Bronson.
Mr. Majestyk?
Look here, Charlie.
None of this bullshit is necessary. I don't got no hold over Alabama.
I was just trying to lend a girl a helping hand.
[YELLING]
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
You wanna fuck with me?
Now, you see what you get...
...when you fuck with me, white boy!
Look at this! Making fun of my motherfucking peeps?
Shit! You motherfucker! Your ass fucking crazy!
You must have thought it was white-boy day.
It ain't white-boy day, is it?
No, man, it ain't white-boy day.
DREXL: Shit, man, you done fucked up again.
Well, well, well.
Look what we got here.
Clarence Worley?
It sounds almost like a nigger name.
And I know where you live.
4900 160th Street...
...Apartment 48.
And I would make a million-dollar bet that Alabama is at the same address.
Marty, take the car, go get her. Bring her dumb ass back here.
I think I'll keep lover boy here entertained.
MARTY: Roxanne, where's my jacket?
Hey, Roxanne!
Hey, Marty! What the fuck are you doing?
MARTY: I can't find my jacket! DREXL: Go look in the fucking hamper.
You!
Get a bag and put Alabama's things in it.
You want to get fucking shot?
Get a bag and put Alabama's things in it!
I just did you the biggest fucking favor of your life!
Open your eyes.
I said, open your fucking eyes!
You thought it was pretty fucking funny. Didn't you?
Fuck you! You piece of shit!
Don't fucking move!
I was selfish. I know I was selfish. I was, but...
...I was carrying your child, babe.
I killed him.
Want a hamburger or something? I'm fucking starving to death.
Is this a joke?
No joke.
That's the best goddamn fucking hamburger...
...I ever had in my entire life.
I've never had a hamburger taste this good.
Come on, eat something, you'll feel better.
[CRYING]
What the fuck you crying for, huh?
I mean, Christ, he is not worth one of your tears.
Would you rather it have been me?
Is that it? Huh? Is that what you want? I mean do you love him?
Do you love him?
I said, do you fucking love him? Huh?
-I think what you did was-- -What?!
-I think what you did... -What?!
...was so romantic.
Oh, baby, you're bleeding.
I got your things right here.
Clean clothes.
I love you.
I love you. There is a God.
These aren't my clothes.
[SINGING "LITTLE BITTY TEAR"]
Rommel, where are you? Come on, get in here. Get in here now.
Good morning, Daddy.
Hey, Rommel. Long time no see, huh?
Now, you're going to have to excuse the place.
I haven't been exactly doing a lot of entertaining...
...of company as of late.
I'm sorry if I seem a little tense.
But you're the last person in the world that I expected to see this morning.
Well, that's okay, Daddy, I tend to have that effect on people.
You got anything to drink around here? I'm dying of thirst.
Now, there should be.... There should be a 7UP in there.
[SHELBY LYNNE'S " I NEED A HEART TO COME HOME TO" PLAYS ON STEREO]
CLARENCE: Anything stronger?
Probably not. Beer. You can drink beer, can't you?
CLIFFORD: I can, but I don't.
That's about all I ever eat.
Excuse me.
Hello, hello, hello.
I'm his father.
Well, that's all right. I'm his wife, Alabama Worley. Pleased to meet you.
We got married.
Lover, why don't you be a sport and go get us some beer?
You want some beer?
I mean, if you want some, it will be here. All right?
Where is there a liquor store around here?
There is a party store down 54th Street.
Get a-- Get a six-pack of something imported.
Hard to tell you what to get, because different places have different things.
-Here, that should cover it, okey-dokey? -Okey-dokey, doggy daddy.
Ain't she the sweetest goddamn thing you ever saw in your whole life?
I mean, she a four-alarm fire, or what?
She seems very nice.
Nice? Daddy, nice ain't the word. I mean, this girl, she's a peach.
You know, she even tastes like a peach.
You can tell I'm in love with her, can't you?
No, wait. I gotta talk.
CLIFFORD: Clarence....
Sit down. Shut up.
You give me a fucking headache.
I mean, you are so much like your mother, I can't believe it.
You are your fucking mother, through and through.
I haven't heard from you in three years.
You show up all of a sudden, at 8:00 in the morning...
...you walk in here like a goddamned bulldozer.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love you, I'm glad to see you.
But slow it down, man.
All right?
Now.
When did you get married?
Well, Daddy....
I'm in big fucking trouble.
I just.... I really need your help.
No, no, stop talking.
-What do you want from me? -What?
What do you want from me? Stop acting like an infant!
You're out here because you want me to help you in some way.
What do you need from me? You need money?
No. You still have friends on the force?
Yes, I still have friends on the force.
Could you just find out if they know anything about us?
I don't think they know shit. But I don't want to think, I want to know for sure.
I mean, you can do that. Right?
-What makes you think that I could do that? -Because you were a cop.
But what makes you think that I would do that?
Because I'm your son.
Oh, you're my son.
Oh, you got it all worked out.
Don't you? Huh? Oh, yeah.
Look. I mean, goddamn, I've never asked you for a goddamn thing.
But Jesus fucking Christ! After Mom divorced you...
...did I ever ask you for anything? No. I didn't.
And when I wouldn't see you for a year-and-a-half to two years...
...did I ever get in your shit about it?
In that whole fucking time you were a drunk, did I ever get mad...
...and point my finger at you? No! I never did. Everybody else did, but I didn't.
Now look, I just need help, and you can fucking help me. All right?
Now, I'm basically a pretty resourceful guy. If I didn't really need it, I wouldn't ask.
I mean, if you want to say "no," then fine.
Forget it, don't worry about it. No problem, I'm gone, all right?
The Virgin is back!
Thank God. I could eat a horse, if you slap enough ketchup on it.
-I didn't get you any chicken. -Well, how come?
Honey, it's too early in the morning. It's only 9:00.
Son of a bitch.
Dick Richie! Dick Richie!
That's me, I'm me.
-Come inside. -Okay.
Sit. Sit, sit, sit.
Now. The part you will be reading for is one of the bad guys.
-There's Brian and Marty. -Who?
-Is there a problem? -No, no.
Peter Breck has already been cast in the part of Brian.
So, you'll be reading for the role of Marty.
In this scene, you're both in a car, and Bill Shatner's hanging on the hood.
What you want to do is get him off.
All right, I'm Marty.
-Ready? -Yeah.
Okay.
I'm driving. Okay.
Where the fuck did he come from?!
I don't know, he just appeared like magic.
Well, don't just sit there, shoot him!
-Get him! -Thank you, Mr. Richie.
I'm very impressed. You're a very fine actor.
Thank you.
We'll let you know.
Okay.
-Okay, one-handed. -One hand.
Oh! Slipped in the other one there.
Here comes the train.
Well, they found nothing. In fact, they think it's drug related.
Drug related? Why drug related?
Well, apparently Drexl had his big toe stuck in that shit.
Really?
Drexl had an association with a fellow named Blue Lou Boyle.
-Name mean anything to you? -No.
Well, if you don't hang around his circle, no reason it should.
Why? Who is he?
Gangster, drug dealer. Somebody who you don't want on your ass.
Now look, Clarence, the more I hear about this Drexl fucker...
...the more I think you did the right thing.
This guy was not just some wild flake.
No, man, that's what I was trying to tell you before.
The guy was like a mad dog.
So, the cops, they don't think.... They're not after us.
No. Until they hear something better...
...they'll just assume Drexl had a falling out with Blue Lou.
And once you leave town, I wouldn't even worry about it.
Thanks, thanks a lot, Daddy. You really came through for me.
I got some money I could give you.
No, keep it. Keep it.
Well, now, son.
I want you to know that...
...I hope everything works out with you and Alabama.
I like her.
And I think you make a real cute couple.
Yeah, well, you stay out of trouble. Hm?
You got a.... You got a wife to think about now.
Quit fucking around.
Son...
...I love you.
All right.
All right, this is my friend Dick Richie's number and address...
...in Hollywood. That's where we're going to be.
You can get in touch with me through him. All right.
Come on, Alabama. We're taking off. Kiss Pops goodbye.
Bye, Daddy. Hope to see you again soon.
Hey, hey! What kind of daughterly smackeroo is that?
I'll send you a postcard from Hollywood, all right?
-Now, Bama-- Bama. -Yes, sir?
Take care of that one for me.
Don't worry, Daddy. I'm going to keep this fellow on a short leash.
As the sun sets slowly in the west we bid you a fine farewell.
Bye, Daddy!
Son of a bitch was right. She tastes like a peach.
Come on, Rommel. Come on, boy, come on, come on.
Go on in there. Come on.
[RINGS]
-Hello. -Hello, baby!
-Clarence? -You got it!
Clarence, it's great to hear from you, what's going on?
Well, you're going to be seeing me shortly.
You're coming to L.A.! When?
CLARENCE: Uh, tomorrow.
There is a story behind all that. I'll tell you when I see you.
And by the way, I ain't gonna be alone. I'm bringing my lovely wife.
Get the fuck out of here. Clarence, you got married?
I'm a married man, buddy.
Married man. You want to say "hello" to my better half?
-Come here. -Hi, Dick. This is Alabama Worley.
Hi, how you doing, Alabama Worley?
Hi. Clarence told me all about you. He said you were his best friend.
So, I guess that makes you my best friend too.
Tell him we got to go.
Clarence says we got to go.
Wait, can I speak to Clarence, please?
-Ask him if he got the letter. -Did you get the letter?
-What letter? -What letter?
-The letter I sent. -The letter he sent.
-I didn't get any letter. -Has he gotten his mail yet?
ALABAMA: Have you gotten your mail yet? -Well, no, my roommate Floyd....
-Has he looked through it? -Have you looked through it?
No.
-Tell him to go look through it. -Go and look through it.
Wait, wait, wait. Can I speak to Clarence, please?
He wants to talk to you.
Tell him we got to go. Tell him, read the letter.
Read the letter.
Tell him I love him and tell him as of tomorrow--
Honey, hold this.
CLARENCE: Tell him as of tomorrow-- ALABAMA: As of tomorrow--
CLARENCE: --all of his money problems are gonna be over.
ALABAMA: --all of your money problems are gonna be over.
Hello? What money problems?
Bye, bye.
Hello? Hello?
Floyd! Floyd, you used up the last piece of toilet paper.
Hey! Rommel!
Hey, come here! Rommel! Rommel!
Frankie, tell Luca to go outside and do you know what.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
Do you know who I am, Mr. Worley?
I give up. Who are you?
The Antichrist. You got me in a vendetta kind of mood.
You can tell the angels in heaven...
...you never seen evil so singularly personified...
...as you did in the face of the man who killed you.
My name is Vincent Coccotti. I work as counsel for Mr. Blue Lou Boyle.
The man your son stole from.
I hear you were once a cop, so I can assume you have heard of us before.
Am I correct?
I've heard of Blue Lou Boyle.
I'm glad. Hopefully that will clear up the "how full of shit am I?"...
...question you've been asking yourself.
We're going to have a little Q and A.
And at the risk of sounding redundant, please...
...make your answers genuine.
Want a Chesterfield?
No.
I have a son of my own, about your boy's age.
I can imagine how painful this must be for you. But Clarence...
...and that bitch-whore girlfriend of his, brought this all on themselves.
I implore you not to go down that road with them.
You could always take comfort in the fact you never had a choice.
Look, I'd like to help you if I could, but I haven't seen Clarence.
You see that?
That smarts, doesn't it? To get slammed in the nose.
Fucks you all up. You get the pain shooting through your brain...
...your eyes fill up with water.
It's not any kind of fun.
But what I have to offer you, that's as good as it's gonna get.
And it won't ever get that good again.
We talked to your neighbors. They saw a Cadillac.
Purple Cadillac.
Clarence's purple Cadillac, parked in front of your trailer yesterday.
Mr. Worley.
Have you seen your son?
I've seen him.
I can't be sure of how much he told you. In the chance you're in the dark...
...about some of this, let me shed some light.
That whore your boy hangs around with...
...her pimp is an associate of mine.
Along with his pimping and other affairs...
...he works for me in a courier capacity. Well, apparently...
...that dirty little whore found out we were going to do some business...
...because your son, the cowboy, and his flame, came into the room blazing...
...and didn't stop, until they were pretty sure everybody was dead.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about a massacre. They snatched my narcotics.
Hightailed it out of there. Would have got away with it.
But your son, fuckhead that he is...
...left his driver's license in the dead guy's hand.
You know, I don't believe you.
VINCENZO: That's of minor importance.
What is of major fucking importance is that I believe you.
Where did they go?
On their honeymoon.
I'm getting angry asking the same question a second time.
Where did they go?
They didn't tell me. Now, you just wait a minute and listen to me.
I haven't seen Clarence in three years.
He shows up yesterday...
...with a young girl saying that he got married.
He asked for some quick cash...
...to go on a honeymoon. He asked me if he could borrow $500.
I felt like helping him.
So I wrote him out a check. We went to breakfast in the morning.
And that's the last I saw of him...
...so help me God.
They never thought to tell me where they were going.
And I never thought to ask.
[SCREAMING]
[SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
You know...
...Sicilians are great liars.
The best in the world.
I'm Sicilian.
My father was the world heavyweight champion of Sicilian liars.
From growing up with him, I learned the pantomime.
There are 17 different things a guy can do when he lies...
...to give himself away. A guy has got 17 pantomimes.
Woman has got 20. Guy has got 17. But...
...if you know them, like you know your own face...
...they would beat lie detectors all to hell. Now, what we got here...
...is a little game of show and tell. And you don't want to show me nothing.
But you're telling me everything.
I know you know where they are. So tell me...
...before I do some damage you won't walk away from.
Could I have one of those Chesterfields now?
Sure.
You got a match? No, wait. No, no, don't bother, I got one.
You're Sicilian, huh?
Yeah, Sicilian.
You know....
I read a lot.
Especially things about history.
I find that shit fascinating.
Here's a fact, I don't know whether you know or not.
Sicilians were spawned by niggers.
Come again?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
It's a fact. Yeah. You see...
...Sicilians have black blood pumping through their hearts.
And if you don't believe me, you can look it up.
Hundreds and hundreds of years ago, you see...
...the Moors conquered Sicily. And the Moors are niggers.
You see, way back then...
...Sicilians were like wops from northern Italy.
They all had blond hair and blue eyes.
But, well....
Then the Moors moved in there...
...they changed the whole country.
They did so much fucking, with Sicilian women, huh?
That they changed the whole blood line forever.
That is why blond hair, blue eyes...
...became black hair and dark skin.
You know, it's absolutely amazing to me...
...to think to this day, hundreds of years later...
...that Sicilians...
...still carry that nigger gene.
Now, this....
[VINCENZO LAUGHING]
No, I am quoting history.
It's written, it's a fact. It's written.
I love this guy.
CLIFFORD: Your ancestors are niggers.
Hey!
And your great, great, great...
...great grandmother fucked a nigger.
And she had a half-nigger kid. Now...
...if that is a fact, tell me:
Am I lying?
Because you...
...you are part eggplant.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Egg! Egg! Egg!
You're a cantaloupe.
That was beautiful.
Let me see that.
I haven't killed anybody...
...since 1984.
Go to this comedian's son's apartment.
Come back with something that tells me where that asshole went.
So I can wipe this egg off my face.
[IN ITALIAN]
Fix this fucked-up family for good.
[IN ENGLISH] Hey, boss.
Get ready to be happy.
MAN [ON RADIO]: Morning, everybody. It's 6:22 here in L.A. I'm David Perry at KBLU.
[AEROSMITH'S "THE OTHER SIDE" PLAYS ON RADIO]
[KNOCKING]
ALABAMA: Hello? Hi.
Morning.
DICK: Floyd.
Floyd, can't you answer the door, at least, for me?
FLOYD: Oh, man, I didn't even hear it.
ALABAMA: Hello?
DICK: You can't help me out every now and then?
ALABAMA: Hi. FLOYD: Yes.
-You call for a date? -Huh?
[YELLS]
I knew it was you!
CLARENCE: Dick, this is Alabama. Alabama, this is Dick.
DICK: Nice to meet you!
CLARENCE: How long have you been living here?
ALABAMA: Hi, I'm Alabama. DICK: Clarence, you look good!
This is a great place, this is nice.
Come on, I'm starving. Let's go get something to eat. Who's this?
DICK: This is Floyd. CLARENCE: Floyd, all right.
Go! Come on!
Hey, Floyd. Watch yourself. Be careful.
Hey.
[SCREAMING ON TV]
Hey, hey. I didn't tell you guys yet?
I had this really, really good audition for T.J. Hooker the other day.
-You're going to be on T.J. Hooker? DICK: Yeah, it's the new T.J. Hooker.
-Knock on wood. -You get to meet Captain Kirk?
Well, you don't get to meet him in the audition...
...but if I get the part, hope, hope....
-That would be amazing. -It would be cool, it would really be....
Meeting Captain Kirk, that would be cool.
Here we are.
The honeymoon suite.
You're really in love, aren't you?
For the very first time in my life. Know what that's like?
No.
-Nah. -Shut the fuck up.
What are you doing in L.A. anyway, huh?
Holy Mary, mother of God. This shit can't be real.
CLARENCE: It'll get you high. -What?
-I said, it'll get you high. ALABAMA: Hey, we got cable.
You want some wine, sweetheart?
ALABAMA: Yeah, just a little bit, I'm not much of a wine gal.
That is fucking real.
This is fucking real, Clarence.
I certainly hope so.
DICK: You've got a hell of a lot of cocaine here, man.
I know.
Do you realize how much fucking coke you have here?
No, tell me.
I don't know, but it's a fucking lot!
This is Drexl's coke?
No, Drexl is dead, you see. It's Clarence's coke.
And Clarence, he can do whatever he wants with it.
What Clarence wants to do is to sell it.
Then me and Bama here, we're gonna jump on a jet plane...
...and spend the rest of our lives spending.
So you got my letter? You lined up a buyer for me?
Listen, Clarence, I'm not Joe Cocaine, okay?
You are an actor, I mean, I hear these Hollywood guys...
...they get it delivered to the set all the time.
Well, they do. All right? They do.
And maybe one day, when I start being a successful actor...
...I'll be like one of those guys.
But, until that day, I ain't got nothing. All right?
I don't have a pot to piss in, or a window to throw it out.
All I got is fucking Floyd.
If you want me to help you sell a little bit at a time, that's all I can do.
No, no, no. None of that little-bit-at-a-time shit.
It's gotta be the whole enchilada in one shot and that's the way it's got to be.
Clarence, do you have any idea how difficult that is going to be?
What the fuck you are talking about?
I'm offering half-a-million dollars worth of white for 200 grand.
You're telling me that is going to be difficult?
Very difficult. That's very difficult, do you understand? Listen to me.
It's difficult because you're selling to a particular group...
...you understand what I'm talking about?
Fat cats, big shots. Guys who can afford $200,000.
Guys who can use a whole fucking suitcase full of cocaine.
Basically, Clarence, guys I don't know.
And guys you don't know. And more importantly, they don't know you.
Come on, Dick.
Okay, Clarence. Listen.
There's one guy that I know...
...that could help you out, Clarence, but...
...I'm not guaranteeing you anything.
Is he big-league?
No. He's not big-league. Okay?
But he works as an assistant to a very big movie producer named Lee Donowitz.
Lee Donowitz could afford...
...and can use, $200,000 worth of coke.
Being that's what you have.
All right, so what did you tell him?
What the fuck do you expect me to tell him, huh?
I mean, I didn't know what was bullshit and what wasn't.
And besides, Floyd smoked the second page of the letter. Okay?
What's this acting-class guy's name?
Elliot.
Elliot what?
Elliot Blitzer.
Okay. We'll get him on the phone and we'll arrange a meeting...
...so we can get through all this getting-to-know-you stuff, all right?
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
-Where? -Where should we meet?
-Roller coaster. -Roller coasters.
So, you have $500,000-worth of cola...
...that you are unloading for $200,000.
You want an animal cracker?
Um, thanks.
Wait, save the gorillas.
That's okay. Thanks.
So, you got...
...$500,000 worth of cola...
...that you're unloading for $200,000.
"Unloading." That's a hell of a way to describe the bargain of a lifetime.
-Where did you get it? -Where did I get it?
I grow it on my windowsill. See, the light is really good up there.
I'm up high enough off the street so, you know, you can't see it. It works perfectly.
Yeah.
Where--? Really, where does it come from?
-Where does it come from? -Yeah.
Coca leaves.
You're sick, you know what? I'm out of here.
Elliot, chill out, chill out.
Come on, sit down here. All right?
We're both here, we might as well enjoy the ride. All right?
I'll tell you. Okay? But you have to promise me you'll keep it quiet.
If Dick hadn't ensured me you're good people...
...I'd just tell you, none of your fucking business.
-Okay, okay. -This is going to be fun.
Let's go!
CLARENCE: The truth of the matter is this: I got a friend in the department.
-What department? -What department?
What do you think, eight ball?
The police department?
Give the man a prize! All right, now, about a year and a half ago...
...this friend of mine got access to the evidence room.
And he snagged this coke, but he's a good cop with a wife and a kid.
So he held on to it for about a year and a half...
-...until he found a guy he could trust. -And he trusts you?
Yeah, he trusts me, we were in 4-H together.
We've known each other since childhood.
So I'm handling the sales part, he's my silent partner...
...and he knows, if I get fucked up, I won't drop dime on him.
-Uh-huh. -Now, no further, you understand.
All right, he's kind of paranoid, I didn't tell you nothing.
-You didn't hear nothing. -I didn't hear nothing.
All right! Here we go!
Ride it out, baby!
Yeah!
We're going in for another one! Hang on, Elliot! Whoo!
Oh, yeah, we got this puppy. This was a good idea.
Elliot looks a little green.
Elliot, do I look like a beautiful blond with big tits and an ass...
...that tastes like French-vanilla ice cream?
What?
I said, do I look like a beautiful blond with big tits and an ass...
...that tastes like French-vanilla ice cream?
No.
No. Okay, then why are you telling me all this bullshit, huh?
What, do you want to fuck me?
Clarence. He's sick, man.
Let me handle this, all right?
ELLIOT: Look. You know what? Just get it straight.
Lee is not into taking risks, okay?
He's got a couple of guys, he's been dealing with them for years.
They're reliable, they're dependable, and they're safe.
Riddle me this, Batman. I mean, if you're all...
...so much in love with each other, what the hell are you doing here?
I'm sure you've got better things to do with your time...
...than hang around upside-down on a roller coaster all day.
I mean, your guy is interested because with that much shit at his fingertips...
...he could play Joe-fucking-Hollywood until the wheels come off.
You know? He can sell it, he can snort it...
...he can play Santa Claus with it as far as I'm concerned.
I mean, at the price he's paying...
...he's going to be able to afford to just throw it around.
He's going to be everybody's best friend.
All right? I mean, I'm not putting him down, here.
It's his money, let him do whatever the hell he wants.
But don't expect me and my friends to hang around forever...
...waiting for you guys to grow some guts, all right?
[VOMITS]
Jesus.
[JERRY DELMONICO'S "EVERYBODY LOVES SOMEBODY" PLAYS ON CAR STEREO]
[PHONE RINGS]
-Yeah, hello. -Hi, Lee.
Elliot, it's Sunday. Can you tell me why I'm talking to you on Sunday?
I don't see enough of you all week, I gotta talk to you on Sunday, too?
I'm with that party that you wanted me to get together with, Lee.
You know who I'm talking about?
I don't believe this. Elliot, why the hell are you talking to me...
...on my phone about that?
Well, because I'm standing with the guy, and he insists on talking to you.
What, are you out of your fucking mind?
He said that if I didn't get you on the phone, that he would leave....
Hello, Lee, it's Clarence. At last, we speak.
Now, first of all, Lee, I want to tell you I'm a real big fan of yours.
That's why I want to open Dr. Zhivago in L.A.
And I need you and your abilities to distribute it.
Uh, Clarence....
I don't know, Clarence.
Dr. Zhivago is a pretty big movie, you know.
The biggest. The biggest movie you've ever dealt with, Lee.
I mean, we're talking a lot of film, here.
A man would have to be an idiot not to be a little bit cautious...
...about a movie like that.
And, Lee, you're no idiot.
No, no, no. I'm not saying I'm not interested, Clarence.
It's just that being a distributor is not what I'm all about.
I'm a movie producer, you know?
I'm on this earth to make good movies, nothing more...
...and nothing, well, maybe less, sometimes.
Hey!
Choose a fucking lane!
No, not you, just some idiot who-- Don't give me the finger!
I'll fucking have you killed!
So, bottom line is I'm not Paramount.
You know what I'm saying?
I got a select few distributors I deal with.
I buy their little movies and I accomplish what I want to accomplish...
...and I get the fuck out of there. Very business-like...
...and very easy, and very little risk, Clarence.
Lee, we are talking Dr. Zhivago, here.
This will be packing them in for a year and a half.
Two years. That's two years you're not going to have to deal...
...with anybody else's movie but mine, all right?
Nobody's but yours. Well, what's the rush here?
I just want to be able to announce this deal at Cannes.
All right? If I had time for a courtship, Lee, I would.
I'd take you out, I'd hold your hand, I'd kiss your cheek at the door.
But I'm not in that position.
I need to know right now if you and I are in bed together or not.
If you want my movie, Lee, you're going to have to come to terms...
...with your fear and desire.
Fear and desire, huh, Clarence?
Don't you know that my films have grossed more than 2.8 billion, Clarence?
Let me talk to Elliot.
-You want to talk to Elliot? -Let me talk to Elliot.
Elliot. He wants to talk to you.
-Hi, Lee. -Elliot, where do you know this guy from?
He's a friend of Dick's, remember?
Who the fuck is Dick?
You want me to suck his dick?
Who the fuck is Dick?
-Oh, who the fuck is Dick? -Yeah.
Dick is my-- He's my friend. He's in my acting class.
You told him I'm an actor?
Is he any good? Is he talented, or...? Really?
How does Dick know this guy?
They grew up together.
Okay, Wednesday at the hotel. Three o'clock.
Bring the whole fucking cast, all right?
Elliot, don't call me here anymore, especially not on Sunday, all right?
DICK: What did he say?
Okay, just hold on for a second. Shut up for a second.
Hey, you guys. This is what's going to happen.
Three o'clock, Beverly Ambassador, he wants to see everybody. Okay?
And he'll talk to you. If after talking to you he likes you...
...wants to deal with you, he'll deal with you.
If he doesn't, he'll say "fuck you," and he'll walk out of the room.
-Did you tell him I was a...? -Shut up for a second.
And he wants a sample bag.
-No problem on all counts. -Great.
DICK: Did you tell him I was an actor?
Yes, I told him.
-You told him I was good? -Yeah, I lied.
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
Hi.
-How are you doing? -Oh, pretty good.
-Dick? Dick Richie? -No.
No, he's not here right now.
-You live here? -Yes, I do.
You're sort of roommates?
Exactly roommates.
Maybe you can help me, I'm looking for a friend of mine.
FLOYD: Sure. -Clarence Worley from Detroit?
He's traveling with a real pretty girl named Alabama?
Oh, yeah, man, I know them. They've been by here.
-You've seen them? -Mm-hm.
-Are they staying here? -No, they're staying at the...
...Safari Motor-- Motel Inn. Safari Motel.
-Safari Motel. -Yes.
How do you know that? I mean, have you been over there?
No, they were here, and they said they were going to go there.
Then they went.
-Yeah? -Yeah, Safari Motel.
-Safari Motel. -Uh-huh.
Hey, you want to watch some TV or something? They might be back here.
No, no, thank you. Thank you, though.
Okay.
-You take care, I might be back. -Yeah, man. Okay, be cool.
Don't condescend me, man. I'll fucking kill you, man.
I'm so proud of you. Did I do my part okay?
Babalu, you were perfect.
-Like a ninja? -Like a ninja.
I'm going to go grab us something to eat.
I'm going to go jump in the tub and get all wet, and slippery, and soapy.
And hop onto that waterbed. And watch X-rated movies...
...until you get your ass back into my loving arms.
Hurry back now.
We now return to Bullitt already in progress.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
[THE SHIRELLES' "WILL YOU LOVE ME TOMORROW" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Hi.
Hi!
[ALABAMA LAUGHS]
-Cigarette? -No.
That's a very nice outfit.
This?
I got this in Las Vegas, Nevada.
Alabama, where's our coke? And where's Clarence?
When's he coming back?
I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong room.
My name is Sadie.
We don't have any coke, but there's a Pepsi machine down the hall.
I don't know anybody named Clarence. But perhaps my husband does.
You can ask him because he'll be home in a minute. He plays football.
He's just at practice.
-Give me your hand. -Okay.
You are unbelievably cute.
Thank you. Thanks.
Let me see those eyes.
What a face.
-Do me a favor. Turn around for me. -Okay.
No, go the other way.
Okay.
[THUDS]
[HUMMING]
-That hurts, don't it? -Uh-huh.
Get on your feet, sweetie. You ain't hurt that bad.
Now, where's our coke? Where's Clarence?
And when's he coming back?
Okay, okay.
Fuck you.
Fuck me....
[GRUNTS]
[GASPING]
What's the matter, baby, huh?
Can't breathe?
You better get used to that.
-Hi. -Smells like hamburgers in here.
Tell me, what is the biggest, fattest hamburger you guys got?
That would be Steve's Double Chili Cheeseburger.
-Well, give me two of them bad boys. -Uh-huh.
Two chili fries. And two large diet cokes.
Anything else?
Come here. Look at yourself! Look! Take a good look!
You think your boyfriend would go through this shit?
If you do you're fucking stupid. You know that?
You're a very pretty girl, Alabama. But you ain't going to be very pretty for very long.
I'm going to ask you a fucking question. And you give me the right fucking answer!
Now, where's my coke?
Turn around. Turn around!
Answer me!
Come on.
You got a lot of heart, kid.
[ALABAMA LAUGHS]
CLARENCE: Yeah, that is a great issue.
You gotten to the story on Elvis yet?
No. I hadn't.
See, that is probably the single best piece I've read on Elvis Presley...
...in my entire life. Look at this.
Look. See, it tries to pin down...
...what the attraction is after all these years.
It covers the whole spectrum. Talks to the fans...
...people who grew up with him, people who love his music.
Then, there's the fanatics. Right?
I don't know about you, but they give me the creeps.
-Yeah, yeah, I see what you mean. -I mean, look at her.
It looks like she fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Now, the first time you kill somebody, that's the hardest.
I don't give a shit if you're fucking Wyatt Earp or Jack the Ripper.
Remember that guy in Texas? The guy up in that fucking tower, killed all them people?
I bet you green money that first little black dot he took a bead on...
...that was the bitch of the bunch.
First one is tough. No fucking fooling.
The second one, the second one ain't no fucking Mardi Gras either...
...but it's better than the first one...
...because you still feel the same thing, except it's more diluted.
You know, it's better.
I threw up on the first one, you believe that?
Then the third one.
The third one is easy, you level right off.
That's no problem. Now.... Shit.
Now I do it just to watch their fucking expression change.
I don't fucking believe it.
Did you put it under the bed?
Uh-huh.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I can't believe it. You put it under the fucking bed.
I didn't look under the fucking bed.
I can't believe you put it under the fucking bed.
And I can't believe I didn't look under the fucking bed.
I'm getting fucking old.
Journey's end, baby. Snow at the end of the rainbow.
One less thing I gotta fucking worry about.
This is it, baby.
Moment of truth.
You got a lot of heart, kid, you know that?
You want to play?
Huh? Is that what you want?
You want to play with Daddy?
Come on. Come on, I'll give you one shot because I like you.
Stick it in me, baby. Come on, stick it in Daddy.
Stick it in me. Go ahead.
Come on, come on! Come on!
[SCREAMS]
Motherfucker!
All right. No more Mr. Fucking-Nice-Guy.
ALABAMA: Oh, God!
[SCREAMS]
VIRGIL: What do you think of that?!
What do you think about that, baby? What do you think about that?
Wait! Wait!
What?
[LAUGHING]
-What the fuck are you laughing at? -You look ridiculous!
Come here! I look fucking ridiculous! Get up! Laugh it up!
Come on, laugh it up!
You were in hysterics a minute ago, so laugh!
-You like that, don't you? -Fuck you!
Shit! Fucking cunt!
[VIRGIL SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
[CRYING]
Fuck! Motherfucker! Bama, we gotta go! Jesus Christ!
Come on, darling. We gotta get the fuck out of here!
Come on.
The cops are gonna be here any fucking second!
Fuck! Fuck! Come on. Fuck.
I'm sorry. Fuck.
[CAR HORN HONKS]
Fuck! Fuck!
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Get the fuck out of the way!
[ROBERT PALMER'S "(LOVE IS) THE TENDER TRAP" PLAYS ON CAR STEREO]
[SIREN WAILING]
Oh, fuck!
-Fuck! -What?
I don't fucking believe this! Look! Goddamn it! I knew it! I fucking knew it!
Oh, fuck, I should have my goddamn head examined for driving like this.
Look, Carla.... Kandi....
-Kandi, you've got to help me. -What can I do?
-Take this. Take this. Hold this. -What are you? High? No.
-Fucking put this in your purse. -I'm not going to put that shit in my purse.
He's not going to search you, you didn't do anything. Now just put it in your bra!
I'm not wearing one.
Please, please, he's almost here! Just fucking put it in your pants!
-Just put it in your pants! -No.
-You're the one who wanted to drive fast. -Read my lips. No.
-Asshole. -After all I did for you, you fucking whore!
Who the fuck do you think you...?
[LAUGHING]
Hi.
Hey, look, dickhead. It's your bad luck that we caught you speeding...
...and it's your bad luck that you had a bag of uncut cocaine.
-Not a tiny little vial. -A fucking baggy.
Hey, you got caught.
It's all fun and fucking games, until you get caught, but now we got you.
Okay, Mr. Elliot fucking actor, you just made the big time.
-You're no longer an extra. NICHOLSON: Or a bit player.
Or a supporting actor.
You're a fucking star. You're a fucking star...
...and you're gonna be playing your one-man show...
...nightly for the next two fucking years!
For a captive audience.
Listen to this. You'll get out in a few years, you'll meet some old lady.
You'll get married and you'll be so understanding to your wife's needs...
...because you'll know what it feels like to be a woman.
DIMES: Of course you'll only want to fuck her in the ass...
...because that pussy won't be tight enough for you anymore.
Good point, detective. Right? Fucking faggot!
Krinkle, this is it, and it's all ours. I mean, talk about falling into something....
Would the both of you idiots shut up. I can't understand shit.
Now, what happened, what's going on, what are you talking about?
Okay, all right.
Patrol car pulls a guy over for speeding, right? Suspect is covered with coke...
...so they bring the suspect to me and Nicholson, and we go to work on him.
Nicholson and I.
Nicholson, what's the fucking difference? So, we go to work on the guy, right?
And we know something is rotten in Denmark, because this guy...
...is fucking stupid, and he's got a big bag of coke and it's uncut.
And you're not going to fucking believe what he's got to say.
Seems a cop from some department, we don't know which one, he stole...
...half a million dollars worth of coke from the property cage.
He'd been sitting on the shit for a year and a half.
Okay, now, the cop's got this weirdo...
-Suspect's words. -...who's a front for him.
So, our guy, Elliot Blitzer, he's making a deal between them and his boss...
...big-time fucking movie producer named Lee Donowitz.
He did that movie, Coming Home in a Bodybag.
A Vietnam movie?
-Yeah. -Good fucking movie.
Fucking A. Great fucking movie.
-So, do you believe him? -I believe he believes him.
This guy is too fucking rattled to be lying.
I'm telling you, he'd roll over on his Mommy, his Daddy...
...his two-pantied granny, and the fucking king of Siam...
-...if he had any on him. -I mean, this guy was a sissy.
I mean, he really was, this rabbit will do anything not to do any time.
You know what he'll do? He'll wear a wire.
-He'll wear a wire? -He'll wear a wire, we talked to him.
Dirty cops, well, we got to get Internal Affairs on this.
I don't give a shit who you bring in, captain.
You can bring in the state militia, the L.A. Thunderbirds...
...the ghost of Steve fucking McQueen, ten fucking Roman gladiators.
I don't give a shit as long as me and Todd, we get credit for the bust.
Hey, listen, we found him. We just want the fucking collar.
That's it. End of story.
-You got it. -Fucking A.
CLARENCE: Did I ever tell you how much I hate airports?
ALABAMA: Uh-uh.
See, I used to live by one back in Dearborne, you know.
Really frustrating living next to an airport when you don't got shit.
And all day long I'm seeing and hearing people doing exactly...
-...what I want to be doing, but couldn't. -What?
Starting new lives, leaving Detroit, vacations, business trips...
-...fun, fun, fun. You all right? -Mm-hm.
But knowing you and me, we can jump on any one of those planes out there...
...and go anywhere we want. Gives me a whole new outlook.
Love airports now.
Yeah, you're not kidding. We got lots to start over.
We should go somewhere where we can start from scratch.
I've been in America all my life.
I've always wanted to see what TV in other countries looks like.
Where do you think we should go, my little turtle dove?
Cancun.
Cancun, why Cancun?
It's got a nice ring to it. Sounds like a movie.
Clarence and Alabama Go To Cancun. Don't you think?
In my movie, darling, you get top billing.
Don't worry about nothing, all right? It's all going to work out for us.
We deserve it.
Now, Floyd, you sure that's how you get to the Beverly Ambassador?
Yeah, man, I'm positive.
Yeah, well, let me just tell you, if we get lost that's your ass.
And, Floyd, why don't you get out of my beer and get a fucking job?
Yeah, okay.
-Can we go? CLARENCE: We're out the door. We're gone.
I don't want to be late.
CLARENCE: I just want to make sure we got everything. Here I go.
DICK: You all right? You all right?
[PHONE RINGS]
Yes.
DICK: I'm out, Floyd, I'm out. -Are you here? No, he's not here.
-Wait, wait, wait! CLARENCE: Come on, Dick!
Just let me hear who it is.
-Hello? -Fuck.
Hey. Hi, Catherine, I was just walking out--
What?
Serious?
-She said that? -What did she say? Come on, okay?
Yo, Catherine, thank you, thank you.
I'm going to talk to you tomorrow. All right.
We got to go.
-I got the part. -Wow!
I got the part.
That's perfect. That's great. That's wonderful.
Didn't even want a call back.
[CHATTERING]
FLOYD: That's cool, way to go!
I got a 7:00 call.
That's great, all right, come on, let's go.
I want to hear all about it, okay? Come on.
Hey, Clarence!
What?
-Nothing. Forget it. -All right, come on.
FLOYD: Hey, get some beer...
...and some....
And some cleaning products.
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
I'm losing a fucking fortune over here.
[LUCA SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
You talking to me, you fucking wop, you?
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
NICHOLSON: Put your jacket on. Put your jacket on.
-Ready? -Yeah.
Put your jacket on. One sleeve at a time.
It's a big game, now, Elliot.
-It's okay, come on. You all right? -No.
Elliot, look at me. Look at me. You comfortable?
Am I comfortable? I've got a like a brick in my scrotum.
Now, see, Elliot, that's the best place for it, okay?
If they pat you down, they're not going to search your balls.
Okay. You think they might see this, perhaps?
No. It's okay. When you stand up, it'll be okay.
-Elliot. -Yeah?
Say something.
Okay. Hi. How are you?
My name is Elliot, and I'm with the Cub Scouts of America.
We're selling uncut cocaine to get to the jamboree.
DIMES: Just talk regular, Elliot. ELLIOT: I'm sorry.
Elliot, stop fucking around.
-I can't believe I'm doing this. NICHOLSON: You get that shit?
Remember, Elliot, we're going to be right down the hall...
...monitoring you the whole time.
Yeah? Well, what happens if somebody does something that you can't hear...
...like pulls out a gun, and puts it to my fucking eye?
Elliot, we've done this a thousand times.
We know what we're doing. Okay? We're the best at.... Now, listen. No fucking around.
Anything happens, we'll be there like fucking gangbusters, okay?
Now, you got to remember something.
Now, you don't want to go to jail, right? Do you want to go to jail?
-No. I don't want to go to jail. -Then, what do we got to do?
We got to put your boss in jail, okay?
And to do that, we've gotta show in court, beyond any reasonable doubt...
...that this man, a very respectable man in the Hollywood community...
...is also dealing cocaine. We've got to prove it in court, and you've got to do it.
That's what we're doing here. Okay? You're gonna be okay, you're not gonna get hurt.
Okay? So what you got to do is that you got to get him...
-...to admit-- On tape, all right? -Uh-huh.
--that he's buying this coke. Okay, champ?
-Get ahold of yourself. -Okay.
NICHOLSON: I'm going to get some coffee.
Bama, you really got that playing basketball?
Yes, I got an elbow right in the eye. Then, as if that's not enough...
...I got hurled the ball right when I'm not looking. Wham!
-Right in my face. -You should be careful.
ALABAMA: I should.
Clarence, what the fuck did you bring that for?
-In case. -In case of what?
I don't know, what the hell do you want me to say?
Look, Clarence, Lee Donowitz is not a pimp.
I know that, Richard, but one thing this last week has taught me...
...it's better to have a gun and not need it...
...than to need a gun and not have it.
[CHATTERING]
There he is.
Elliot, your motivation is to stay out of jail.
Easy, easy, easy.
-Hey. Hi. -Hi.
-I guess it's about that time. -Yeah.
Here we go.
You're an actor. Act, motherfucker.
-Elliot. -Yeah?
-Get on your knees. -Oh, no.
What?
CLARENCE: I said get on your fucking knees! DICK: Clarence, what the fuck?
Shut the fuck up, the both of you! I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You think I'm pretty fucking stupid, don't you? Don't you?
No? Don't you fucking lie to me, you motherfucker!
He's bluffing you, Elliot. He's bluffing you, can't you see that?
I want to hear you say it, I want to hear you say:
"Clarence, you are without a doubt"--
-Clarence, what's wrong with you? -Shut up!
Say it, goddamn it, I want to hear you say it!
"Clarence, you are, without a doubt, the dumbest motherfucker...
...I have ever seen on the face of the planet."
-Say it! -Dumb fucker.
-Apparently, I'm not as dumb-- DICK: Clarence, he didn't do nothing!
Apparently, I'm not as dumb as you fucking think I am, am I?
Come on, what the fuck is waiting for us up there, huh?
What the fuck's waiting for us?
He's going to shoot him.
Tell me, or I'm going to pump two in your face right here, right now.
He's not going to shoot him.
-Motherfuck! -He's going to shoot him.
Like Nick Curry used to say, if I'm wrong, I swear to God, I'll fucking apologize, all right?
Something's amiss, I can feel it.
If anything out of the ordinary goes down, I swear to God...
...you are going to be the first one shot.
Clarence, he didn't do anything, what the fuck are you--?
Shut up, all right? I'm going to blow this motherfucker away.
Fuck you!
I wish somebody would just come and get me because I don't like this anymore!
Get ahold of yourself, you fucking sissy!
I really wish somebody would just come and take me away! Just take me away!
Hang in there, Elliot, goddamn it!
I can't take this, I'm sorry, but I just can't!
And I really wish somebody would just come to my rescue and everything will be all right.
-Elliot. Elliot. -What?
I'm sorry, all right?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Friends?
What the fuck is with this guy?
DICK: Quit playing around.
CLARENCE: I was only playing around, I just had to be sure.
That's all, that's all. I'm sure now, okay?
I'm sorry, man. I didn't mean to scare you.
Oh, man, I like this Clarence kid, this fucking guy is crazy.
[SOUNDGARDEN'S "OUTSHINED" PLAYS ON STEREO]
[KNOCKING]
Yeah.
Oh, man.
-Are you Dick Ritchie? -No.
-Do you know a Clarence Worley? -Yes.
-Do you know where we can find him? -Yes, I do.
Well, where?
At the Beverly Ambassador.
-Where's that? -Well....
You go....
No. Yeah, go down Beach--
You guys want to smoke a bowl, or...?
Oh. Go down Beachwood...
...and drive a while, and then you gotta turn right, okay?
And then you go, and you keep driving and you keep driving.
[KNOCKING]
-Hello, Elliot. -Monty.
Are these your friends?
Yeah, yeah, you could say that.
Everybody, this is Monty.
Hi. Come on in. Lee's in the can, he'll be out in a quick.
CLARENCE: Holy shit, look at this. Do you believe this?
ALABAMA: It's a helicopter.
Sorry, nothing personal.
Clarence.
Well, there ain't going to be a need to search me, daredevil.
All you're going to find is this right here.
Now, what compelled you to bring that along?
I guess the same thing that compelled you guys...
...to bring the heavy artillery to a business meeting.
-I'll take that. -Well, you're going to have to.
Oh. Hi.
Everybody's here. Elliot. Who's who?
Uh, that's Dick on the end there.
Oh, that's Dick. Dick, Elliot tells me you're quite gifted.
-And, yeah, Alabama in the middle. LEE: Hello.
-Clarence on the end. -Lee, this guy is....
Boris, please. I'm meeting people right now, okay?
CLARENCE: Mr. Donowitz?
Come on, Clarence. Don't insult me, just call me "Lee."
-Lee. LEE: Boris, shut the fuck up!
Come on, everybody, don't be shy. Come on in. Come on in.
Okay, Lee?
-Lee. -Lee.
That's right, Lee.
I just gotta tell you, I really am a big fan.
Coming Home in a Body Bag is my favorite movie of all time.
I mean, after Apocalypse Now, I think it's the best Vietnam movie ever made.
Wow. Thank you very much, Clarence.
BORIS: Lee. -What?
This guy is packing.
Really.
Well, I mean, I've been pretty scared about this whole thing.
But I'm fairly confident you're just here to do business, so look.
I don't want to be a wise guy or nothing.
If you want, I'll take my gun, and I'll lay it on the table. It's up to you.
No, I don't think that's necessary.
Boris, be nice. Make everybody some coffee. Okay?
-It's a pleasure to meet you. -Nice to meet you, too.
Honey, sit down. Relax, relax.
-Elliot, you look like shit. -Oh, I'm sorry.
I mean, it's completely disgusting.
I need to get a quick signature, it would be great.
Whatever Bonnie wants.
Like my dailies, there, Clar?
CLARENCE: Is that what these are? Dailies?
LEE: You like them? CLARENCE: Yeah, they're great.
They better fucking be great, they cost me enough.
-What did that day cost me? -$357,000.
Elliot, I swear to God, somebody is stealing from me.
CLARENCE: What's this one called, anyway?
It's a sequel to Body Bag.
-Really? LEE: We don't have a title yet, but...
-...what does Joe like? -Uh, Body Bags Two.
LEE: Ooh. That's imaginative.
I've got more taste in my penis.
This guy is really fucking funny.
CLARENCE: You know, Lee, most of these movies that win a lot of Oscars...
...I can't stand them. They're all safe, geriatric coffee-table dog-shit, you know?
We park our cars in the same garage.
It's all right.
All those assholes make are unwatchable movies from unreadable books.
Mad Max, that's a movie...
...The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, that's a movie...
...Rio Bravo, that's a movie.
And Coming Home in a Body Bag, that was a fucking movie.
It was the only movie at the time that won a lot of Oscars with balls...
...I mean, since Deer Hunter.
I don't believe you.
What, do you like a little coffee with your sugar, or what?
Lee, I'm not satisfied until the spoon stands straight up.
[LAUGHS]
Give me a coffee, will you?
Lee, my uncle Roger and my uncle Jerry, both of whom were in Nam...
...saw Coming Home in a Body Bag.
They said to me, Clarence, that's the most accurate Vietnam film...
...they'd ever seen.
I'll tell you something, Clarence. When veterans in that bullshit war...
...say that about my project, it makes the whole thing worthwhile. Here's to you.
My friend-- I'm calling you my friend, I just met you.
You know why? I think because we got the same interests.
You know what I'd like to do right now?
I'd like to see Dr. Zhivago.
Where is it? Is there a fucking doctor in the house, or what?
CLARENCE: Hang on a second.
Lee, when you see this, you're going to shit, I'm telling you.
LEE: I better. -Bingo.
-What's the guy's name? -Donowitz.
[JERRY DELMONICO'S "ALL THE WAY" PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Lee, that's all practically uncut. If you so desire...
...you can cut that a hell of a lot more.
Don't worry, I'll desire.
Boris, get me another cup of coffee, will you?
CLARENCE: Me too, Boris.
I have to hand it to you, Clarence, this is not nose garbage.
This is quality stuff.
Perfect merchandise. The only trouble is...
...whenever I'm offered a deal that's too good to be true...
...it's because it's a lie.
Why don't you convince me you're on the level.
Convince him.
If he don't bite, we haven't got shit, except possession.
Boris, we got all kinds of sandwich shit back there...
...make something for somebody, all right?
We got lean pastrami, nice rye, anybody want anything?
-You got any aspirin? -Yeah, sure. Get him that.
CLARENCE: Well, Lee, it's like this.
See, you're getting the bargain of a lifetime because...
...I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
I mean, you are used to dealing with professionals...
...and I'm not a professional, I'm a rank amateur.
What the fuck's going on? What the fuck's going on, Joe?
I can take that, and I can sell it a little bit at a time...
...and make a hell of a lot more money.
-What's going on, Joe? -Elliot's too far away.
Look, this is the whole ball game, the fucking game, this is it!
I'm not a drug dealer. I'm not saying that you're a drug dealer...
...but you're a fucking movie producer, you know.
And you got access to all kinds of money and shit like that.
NICHOLSON: Shit. Oh, Joe...
-...you are fucking killing me. -Wait, wait. There, wait. Shh!
Now, I can't get a million for it, but you can, all right?
So I'll sell it to you for $200,000. You go make a million with it.
Shit, it's all found money to me anyway, you know?
There he is.
Me and my wife, we're minimum-wage kids, you know?
$200,000. It means the world to us.
Elliot tells me that you're fronting for a dirty cop.
CLARENCE: Elliot wasn't supposed to tell you anything.
He's not a dirty cop, he's a good cop. He just, you know...
...he saw his chance and he took it, that's all.
Why does he trust you?
Well, we grew up together, that's why.
Clarence...
...if you don't know shit, then why does he think that you can sell it?
I bullshitted him.
[LAUGHING]
LEE: You're nuts!
He's a wild man, this kid, Clarence. I like him.
-You're wild, I love it. -Hey, Lee.
I love this guy, he bullshitted him, you believe this kid? I love him.
Elliot, I love this kid. Monty, get the money.
That's it, fellas, let's get these sons of bitches.
LEE: Now, wait, wait. I completely forgot, excuse me.
-What's your part in this again? -I'm his wife.
Oh, you're the wife, right. Clarence, Clarence.
-What, did you beat her, or something? -No, no, she got that playing basketball.
-What's the matter with you? -I'm sorry.
-Why are you here? -I'm an actor.
Dick, if you were just a fucking actor, you never would have got in the room.
I'm friends with Elliot.
He's your friend? You got problems.
All right, all right. It's all right. Elliot knows me.
Elliot, here. Call Joe...
...and tell that cocksucker that the production manager reports...
...that he's taking 30 cents of every dollar...
...and putting it in his own pocket.
Don't you want to count your money?
No, that's all right, she can count it, I'm going to go to the bathroom.
Give it to her.
[SINGING "HEARTBREAK HOTEL"]
MENTOR: I gotta hand it to you, Clarence.
-I was cool? -Man, you were cooler than cool.
-Oh, my God, I forgot my fucking vest. -Stupid.
Cody, on three.
One. Two. Three!
[MEN YELLING INDISTINCTLY]
Put your guns down!
Get down on the floor!
MAN 1: Drop your gun! Drop your gun!
MAN 2: Drop your guns and back away!
Put your guns down!
Both of you put the fucking guns on the floor now!
Fuck you! All you pigs, put your guns on the floor and back away!
Monty! Monty! What are you, fucking nuts?
-Just do what they say! -Man, this is your last fucking chance!
-Fuck you, this is your last chance! -Boris.
BORIS: We could kill all of you and you fucking know it.
-Now get down on the fucking floor! LEE: Boris! Boris!
Boris, shut the fuck up! We're all going to die here, these are cops.
BORIS: So, they're cops. Who gives a shit!
Hey, Lee, something I never told you about me. I hate fucking cops!
DIMES: All right, let's be nice, guys, come on.
-Let's be nice. We don't wanna die. LEE: No, I certainly don't wanna die.
You look a little like a blond Frankenstein.
Now put your gun down, you son of a bitch!
-211? -Yeah, 211.
Here you go, Mad Dog.
Holy shit.
NICHOLSON: Motherfucker.
Who are these guys?
Put your fucking guns down! Put them down!
Put them down motherfucker! Put them down!
Fuck you!
NICHOLSON: Put the fucking guns down.
How do you really think I'm doing with Lee?
MENTOR: Are you kidding, man? He loves you.
You don't think I'm kissing his ass or anything, do you?
You're telling him what he wants to hear.
That ain't the same thing as kissing his ass.
Yeah, I mean, I saw Coming Home in a Body Bag, I loved it, I'm not lying to the guy.
MENTOR: No, that's why it's not ass-kissing.
What you're doing is genuine.
And he knows it.
I like you, Clarence.
Always have.
Always will.
MAN 1: Put them down now!
Put them down!
Put those guns down, motherfuckers!
Officer Dimes. Officer Dimes.
Put them down, motherfucker! Put them down!
-Officer Dimes! -What?
Officer Dimes.
-Officer Dimes. -What?!
This has nothing to do with me anymore, right?
Okay. So, I'm just going to leave.
And you guys just settle this by yourselves.
Just shut up and stay the fuck put, Elliot!
How do you know his name?
Why the fuck did he know your name?
You little piece of shit!
You can forget about acting for the next 20 years!
Your fucking career is over! Take your fucking SAG card and burn it!
You little cocksucker!
I treated you like a son! You fucking stabbed me in the heart!
Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!
Motherfucker, don't touch him! Motherfucker!
[AUTOMATIC GUNFIRE]
Fuck you!
Cody!
Clarence!
[YELLS]
[CRYING]
Sweetie!
[ALABAMA SOBBING]
Baby!
Okay, you with the shotgun, behind the couch! Come out!
[YELLING IN ITALIAN]
The guy is a wop.
I said, come out from behind the couch, you fucking guinea. Now!
I said to come out from behind the couch. Okay? Capisce?
[LUCA SPEAKS IN ITALIAN]
Nice and slow!
Shit! The guy hit me.
Son of a bitch shot me.
ALABAMA: Sweetie!
Don't you die on me.
DIMES: You're going to be okay.
BORIS: I need an ambulance!
[SIRENS WAILING]
Fuck you! I'll blow this bitch's brains to kingdom come!
-I need an ambulance! DIMES: Shut up.
-Fuck you, I'm bleeding! -I'll call you a hearse.
This is for Cody.
[GUNSHOTS]
Fuck you!
[SOBBING]
Honey, you're alive!
CLARENCE: I can't see.
[ALABAMA LAUGHING]
Honey, you have blood in your eye. Come on.
[ALARM RINGING]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
Fuck you! I want a car. Take me to the airport! And I want it full of gas!
And a million bucks! Small bills! And fast!
Get out of my face, motherfucker!
[GUNSHOTS]
ALABAMA: Amid the chaos of that day...
...when all I could hear was the thunder of gunshots...
...and all I could smell was the violence in the air...
...I look back and am amazed...
...that my thoughts were so clear and true.
That three words went through my mind endlessly.
Repeating themselves like a broken record.
You're so cool.
And sometimes Clarence asks me what would I have done if he had died.
If that bullet had been two inches more to the left.
To this, I always smile.
As if I'm not going to satisfy him with a response.
But I always do.
I tell him of how I would want to die.
But that the anguish and the want of death would fade...
...like the stars at dawn.
And that things would be much like they are now.
Perhaps.
Except maybe I wouldn't have named our son...
...Elvis.