Don't get out of this bathtub! Julie!
Julie!
Julie Christina Ubriacco!
You're dripping suds all over the place.
Come here. Where are you?
I don't want to brush my teeth. I brushed them Saturday.
You'll have plants growing out of your mouth.
Honey?
Are you all right?
This is why we don't run around all wet.
I don't want to go to bed.
- You got to go to bed. - I went to bed last night.
How many times a week do I have to go to bed?
Once upon a time, there was a princess and she moved to Queens. The end.
That's not a story.
It is tonight. Good night.
- Change partners. - Do-si-do.
Daddy, tell me a story.
Two nuns walk into a bar...
- James! - What?
Oh, man.
- Night-light! - Night-light!
Damn! Honey...
...did you leave that truck there?
- Mikey did it. - Good night, Julie.
Mom, want to play teacups?
No, I don't want to play teacups. Good night.
Do I want to play teacups?
Man, am I exhausted!
I know. I feel like I can't move.
Every night we go through the same thing.
What?
What is that look?
Are you kidding?
Honey, no. They're not even asleep yet.
- They will be. - No, they won't.
They're probably outside the door, playing teacups.
Wait. No. Honey...
...they're probably right outside.
Lock the door.
Oh, Mollie.
Oh, James.
- Oh, Princess. - Oh, Trooper.
It was a lovely evening.
Was? I take you to the best dumpster in town...
...and all I get is a lick on the cheek?
I'm not that kind of spaniel.
Come on. You're the cutest thing on four legs.
I think you're wonderful, but...
...I can't.
Wait! Princess.
I didn't want to tell you...
...but I'm going to the vet tomorrow. I may not make it.
Oh, Trooper.
Really?
Bingo.
Yes! I am the king!
The king of the kennel!
Losers! Losers!
Who cares? She was a dog anyway.
There's another one! Go for it!
Don't tell the guys.
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
And another one!
They're all over!
Come to papa!
What will the girls at the hydrant say?
Ma, check it out.
I got these things on my face to open. I can see!
I can see...
...wrinkly butts!
They're not mine. They're your brothers and sisters.
Good. That makes me the cute one.
So how did this happen?
How did this happen?
Look, here come the three kings. It must be a miracle.
- Who were they? - They're my masters.
They're hideous.
They're just big dogs who walk funny. You take care of them.
I don't want any stupid masters.
Someday you will.
I'll never get my figure back. It's Cycle Four for me.
What are you colouring?
Christmas list.
Christmas list in September? What is that?
A dog? We've been through this.
But, Mom, we need a dog.
Because, those guys who come to sell stuff, he could chew their legs off.
That would be nice, but...
And you could save money. He could babysit.
You know dogs can't babysit.
Dogs are smart. We could teach him stuff.
Yes, we could. Like, how to pick up your room.
- Cool. - Cool.
I'll tell you what I will do.
I promise you that we will buy you a dog.
And I know you'll treat it well.
But we live in this teeny apartment, and it wouldn't be fair to a dog.
What if Santa thinks it is?
Let's talk after school.
You always say that.
You always bug me.
Bug, bug, bug.
Go bug your teacher.
Julie!
Snap out of it, honey. Arert you bored with that tape yet?
- It's good. - It's good? With a pass to Julie...
...up she goes. She scores a hundred million points.
Most girls are obsessed with ponies, not sweaty men making jump shots.
Should we be worried? Mike?
It's the Suns. If it were the Mavericks, I'd be worried.
Let me look at you.
- I don't know about the tie. - What?
Silly.
You haven't seen the whole effect. Look at this.
It does this.
Are you going to wear that on a job interview?
- It's a joke. - I know it's a joke.
- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did.
This is the tie I'm going to wear.
That is a joke.
What?
They'll know my wife put me in this suit. It's the colour of poo.
Daddy said, "poo."
Mike, what do you think of this suit?
- You look like my principal. - Even he thinks it's stupid.
He isn't offering a dental plan.
This isn't me. I want to be myself.
You won't get this job if you're yourself.
I didn't mean it to sound that way.
A CEO of a corporation is looking for a certain demeanor...
...in a corporate pilot.
Don't tell them you still drive a cab.
Let me drive. Sit in back and act like you don't know me.
- And don't tell long stories. - I won't talk.
- You can talk, but, James... - What?
- Don't tell jokes. - I'm funny.
- You are funny, in sort of a... - Corny.
Corny kind of funny.
Bash Brothers!
Look out for that pud...
Sorry about the suit.
My son kind of splattered me this morning.
We were doing this kind of "Bash Brothers" thing...
It's not spit-up or anything. It's just...
...mud.
Frankly, Mr. Ubriacco, your résumé is not very extensive.
I know that.
Yet people who have flown with you insist that I meet you.
Really?
I'd be interested to know why.
May I?
Mr. Martin. I know why he recommended me.
We're on this flight, and they're having a party...
...and singing that English song:
You know, you're English. I get on the microphone and say:
You had to be there.
God, I hope he doesn't blow it.
When he gets nervous, he gets honest.
And that is a major business liability.
- I think he'll be okay. - I think he's freezing up.
I've been married to him long enough. I have ESP. He's freezing up.
And he said, "That thing's been following me all day!"
I'll make a soufflé. If that doesn't cheer him up, I don't know what will.
It's not like we can't live off my paycheck. We have a hundred times.
Pink! Mine's pink today. That's festive.
Man, I can't believe it. I always wanted to fly a Falcon.
- Honey, how did you find me? - They told me you were down here.
Mollie, this is Samantha D'Bonne, my new boss.
How do you do?
I do just fine, thank you.
Oh, honey...
Congratulations.
This is my son, Mike.
- Hello. - Sometimes he gets stuff on his hands.
- And my daughter, Julie. - Hello, Julie.
Knock, knock.
- Who's there? - Transsexual.
- What's it mean? - It's an airline.
Excuse me.
So you work for Majique. That's a big corporation.
Ms. D'Bonne is the president.
You're the president? But you're so young.
- I'm 30. I'm practically past it. - You can read about her in Fortune.
You're in Fortune?
Actually, it's two pages.
Hey! Mikey!
Wait! You'll end up in Guam.
- Get back here. - I didn't do anything.
Oh, God. Honey.
They're a full-time job.
Did you get off early from work?
Yeah, I did.
- Was it an office party? - I wouldn't call it a party.
You never get off early. What did you do? VP! She got VP!
- Did you get VP? - Not exactly.
This is great! What a day! I get a job and you get... Oh, man!
- Let's talk at home. - Give me the good news.
I was fired!
Oh, honey.
- What happened? - I think it's because of the cutbacks.
I asked if it was my work and they said no, it was great.
They said I was the best, which is why I was most expensive.
I said, "What if I'd been better? What would you have done? Shoot me?"
You're better than that company.
Nine years and they give me a cactus.
A cactus, honey.
Excuse me. I couldn't help overhearing.
- Really? - I'm terribly sorry.
Don't be. This is nothing.
Financially, you don't need to worry about a thing. You see...
...l'm negotiating a merger with Maxim Conti.
Next month alone, we'll be flying to Rome...
...Paris, New Zealand...
I'll just keep him as busy as I can.
That makes me feel a lot better.
I'm sure you'll find something.
Oh, honey.
It'll be okay.
- Knock, knock. - Nobody's home.
- Knock, knock. - Nobody's home!
- Knock, knock. - All right, who is it?
- Buck. - Buck who?
Buck, buck, I'm a chicken!
Mom, can I kill her?
Not before dinner.
Knock, knock.
Don't torture your mother, honey.
He's cute.
What's going on? Where are they taking everybody?
I'm scared! I'm going to pee.
Put him back. That's my brother.
He's so fuzzy.
Is that kibble on your hat?
I like you.
- Mommy, I want this one. - All right.
Got any treats? I'm into treats.
It's just me, huh?
So nobody wants me?
What's wrong with me?
Okay, I drool more than some of the other guys.
And I whine a little bit, sure. Who doesn't?
You smell good. Like cookies.
And dirt. Can I go with you? I like you. Please?
Mikey?
- Kid, take me. - Michael, get over here.
Please? I'll eat shoelaces and vegetables.
I'll even eat dog food.
Kid! Don't go away!
Where are you going? Where did you go?
Bad smell.
You don't look like dog people. You look like snake people.
Not the neck! I hate that.
He's kind of scrawny.
I've coughed hairballs better-looking than you.
Take him, don't take him.
- Make up your mind. - I'll take him.
Don't let happen to him what happened to the gerbils.
Why don't I have a good feeling about this?
So here they are.
My new masters.
Not!
Swallowed a bug!
Tuck and roll. Tuck and roll.
Big room. Wonder where the walls are.
Who needs masters? I can take care of myself.
What kind of dog was that?
Maybe I do need a master.
How would you like to adopt a cute little pup?
Same to you, pal.
He was too skinny. Probably didn't have any good treats.
Now if I was food, where would I be?
In my stomach, because I would have eaten me already.
Fatter people. This is good.
There's gotta be treats around fat people.
Doggie dish at 12:00. I'm coming in.
What's this, metal food?
Hey there, little fella.
- You hungry? - Are you kidding? I just ate a nickel.
What a guy. What do you got?
Food? You going for food?
Let me see what's in there.
Get your hand away. I'll do it. I got it.
I would like a Ferrari Testa Rossa...
...Alien Autopsy, a Super-Squirt Phlegm Gun with laser sight...
...a helicopter...
...a space suit...
That goob's been up there for an hour. Get him off.
I told you, Santa doesn't want you to be a naughty girl.
Who are you, his mother?
No, I'm a Vulcan.
- How would you like a death grip? - Yeah, right.
- A million dollars, a toy store...
- Mom! - Mommy!
See? I told you Mommy had a big, important job with Santa.
- Hey, no cuts! - A spot. Tricked you.
Hello there, everyone!
Merry Christmas, everyone!
- You look hot. - Yeah.
- How's it going? - It's going bad. I hate children.
I used to love them. Now I hate them.
This music is driving me nuts. I want to hurt Bing Crosby.
Something will come for you.
- 40 interviews and no one's hired me. - Then it can only get better.
- Maybe next year I can be a reindeer. - Look at the perks.
Hey, guys.
What are you standing there for? Mom's personal best friend, Santa...
...is ready to see you. Come on.
There you go.
There we go.
Merry Christmas.
- Well, how are you today... - Mikey.
...Mikey? - You know me?
What would you like Santa to bring you this Christmas?
- I want a dog. - A dog? Well, that seems...
No.
You see, Mikey...
...even Santa doesn't control some things.
Now somewhere out there is the absolute perfect dog for you.
Maybe he's already been born.
Maybe he hasn't. But when he is...
...believe me, I'll know...
...and you'll get him!
- So I'll get him for Christmas? - I'll do my best.
- Thanks, Santa. - You're welcome, Mikey.
Here's Santa.
Hello, honey.
Mommy!
Santa is not mad at you. Now listen to Teddy.
- Is Santa mad at Julie? - No.
- Will Julie still get presents? - Yes.
Give me kisses.
Come on, Julie. Cheer up. How about a pre-Christmas present?
I have to get these shoes off. My toes are curling.
Good night, Prancer. Good night, Dancer.
What's the matter with you?
You don't know how to write?
Yeah? You gonna send some monkey around to bust my knees?
Hey, all right.
I'll come up with a couple of bills for you.
I was just kidding, okay?
Yeah, and a merry to you too.
You miserable sack of...
You're a fake!
- How could you let him see that? - You were watching him.
I was calming Julie.
- What did Mikey see? - Nothing, honey.
- You said he was real. - I know, you see...
The real Santa's busy, so he sends these...
- Cousins. - That was Santa's cousin, Sidney Claus.
He's Jewish. He's his Jewish cousin.
But you said he was real.
All right, you chipmunks, ready to sing your song?
- I'll say we are. - Let's sing it now.
- Okay, Simon? - Okay.
- Okay, Theodore? - Okay.
Okay, Alvin?
Alvin?
- Alvin! - Okay!
Oh, Mikey, Mikey.
What do you want? You want a pizza pie?
Great. The Cornball Family.
It didn't work.
Honey, you used to love that song.
What can we do to make you feel better?
Just tell me the truth.
There is no Santa, is there?
Yes. There is, honey.
But you know what it's like?
I'll tell you. You know how in Cub Scouts you have den mothers?
Well, Santa has...
...den Santas.
Mike, you want to know the truth, right?
You don't want us to lie to you...
...and this is the truth.
You know the whole thing about...
...the North Pole?
It's just a story.
Santa is...
Santa is really...
...from Finland.
Finland.
Give me a break.
- No. He is. - How could he...
...get around the world in a night?
- Finland Airlines. - Correct.
And how could reindeer fly?
Freight.
And how come Rudolph's nose glows? What is he, radioactive?
Well, how come your grandfather's nose glows?
I have the answer to this question.
Some things in life are magic.
Santa is magic.
Magic's for babies.
Honey, nice try.
Can I play?
- With me? - Let's get busy.
New York Centre.
New York Centre, Fox Juliet, flight level 4-1-0. Roger.
- Knock, knock. - Hi.
How's the meeting?
We're all posturing, making threats. Business as usual.
Zero-5-8. Roger.
We'll have to work through this weekend.
Do you mind staying in Boston a couple of days?
No.
I'll buy you dinner.
You don't have to. It's my job.
So you'll keep me feeling guilty.
Okay, but nothing fancy. Just a paper napkin place.
Okay. Just don't sound too thrilled about it, will you?
It's not that.
I was just thinking about Mikey.
- He's upset and... - Why?
Mollie's gonna hate me for this...
...but I think we're looking at the D word.
Divorce?
No.
Dog.
Watch it, pussy. I'm walking here.
Cats. Can't live with them, can't eat them.
They're ruining this city.
Look at those. Extra crunchy. Wrap them up, I'll take them to go.
Step on me, lady, you get a nose in the crotch.
Hey, pal.
This was sitting on a park bench.
Next to some guy who was eating it.
Catch you later. I got a date with a cute Pekingese on Park Avenue.
Face like a Mack truck, but what a body.
What can I say? I'm a hound.
Gotcha. Come on now, boy. No trouble.
Okay, I didn't mean to steal that Frisbee.
I thought two calzones were mating!
Lousy dog cop!
Hey, liver. Jeez, I could get used to this.
You got liver? Hey, fellas!
Spot here got liver.
- He got liver? - That's a shame.
Already? That's a crock.
- What's wrong with liver? - That's your last meal, amigo.
Then it's a big nap.
What did I do?
What did any of us do?
I bit a cop.
I got to talk to someone.
Too late. Here comes Dave.
Come on. Can't we work out some kind of deal?
I got bones buried everywhere. I'll share them!
- Hey, Dave. You big dumb clod! - Hey, ugly!
You can't even pee right.
Can I take a dump in your hat?
Sorry, fella. It's time to go.
Don't let him see your fear.
Don't give him the satisfaction.
- Kill Dave! - Kill Dave!
- What are we doing? - We're going underwear shopping.
- I don't like underwear. - You love it.
- I hate them. - You love them.
Look alive, guys! We got masters!
Go ahead.
I'm neutered. I've humped my last leg.
I will follow orders!
Yo, I can help you meet chicks. I got this Lassie thing down.
You can call me Spot or Measles.
Hey, kid!
I do everything. Tricks! Roll over!
What about this guy?
Not a boy. I hate boys.
He looks pretty cool.
- He looks like a hot dog with ears. - I resent that!
Here's the thing. I got puppies out there.
Maybe. I don't know. I've been around.
You know how it is. Give me a break.
I promise I'll go straight.
I'll even help out some blind guy with a pencil cup.
I know that smell. Cookies and dirt.
- That's my kid! - I said, let's move it.
Move on this.
Kid! You know me, don't you?
Get me out of here!
Him, Daddy. I want him.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You want him?
Here you go.
- We'll take him. - This one's scheduled to be destroyed.
What? No way. Take me, I'm yours!
- Well, he's been reprieved. - Yes!
Okay, here we go.
- What are you gonna name him? - Rocks.
Rocks? How come Rocks?
Because that's what he left in the back seat.
Sorry about that.
Oh, man!
Here we are. This is where we live.
Warm. Dry. No puddles.
Wait a minute. Nice cushy thing to sleep on. A little lumpy.
Maybe I'll just dig out the middle.
Honey, is that you?
Hello, James.
What's going on?
Samantha has brought us a big surprise.
Really for Mikey and Julie.
What a tiny kennel.
I've seen enough. Bring the car around.
Her name is Daphne.
She's purebred and trained at the Radcliffe of obedience schools.
Radcliffe, wow.
Daphne, sit.
Voilà.
- Aerobics. - But where's my personal trainer?
Isn't she a wonderful dog?
I'll have my manicure now, please.
- But I like Rocks bet... - A dog!
A dog!
Mikey, wow. Finally, a dog.
Play with your rocks later.
But as I was just saying to Samantha...
...we wouldn't dream of taking her precious baby away from her.
And as I was telling Mollie...
...we're travelling so much...
...she doesn't get enough attention. - I think it's a great idea.
Good.
Radcliffe, honey. Radcliffe.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
Bye-bye? You can't leave me with these people.
They haven't been properly trained, or groomed, or...
I'm getting a migraine.
Goodbye, Mollie.
I'll be sending over her things.
- See you later, James. - Thank you. Bye-bye.
Things? A dog has things?
She's just being nice.
The nerve! Coming in and treating us like a kennel.
She dumps this dog on this family without even consulting me?
Look what we got, Mom.
His name's Rocks.
Den. Don't even think about loving on me, pal.
We already talked about this.
Yes, we talked but we didn't decide. Now we have two dogs.
If I take Rocks back, he'll be put to sleep.
Take... What's her name?
- Daphne. - Take Daphne back to Princess Di.
I can't insult Samantha. This is the best job I've ever had.
This is your responsibility. You brought these dogs here, you fix it.
Or I will fix you.
All right.
This is my chair, this is my cup...
...and this is my stinky brother, Mikey.
Schwing!
Hello, baby!
Oh, my! What a set of paws.
Powder Puff, how about we nose through the garbage?
- What cat dragged you in? - The kid sprung me from the joint.
I don't associate with mutts. I've got papers.
I been hit by those. Hurts like hell, huh, Daffy?
It's Daphne, you tick magnet.
Jeez! Like you never sniffed a butt.
Why don't we keep them both for now.
The one that works out, stays.
The one that doesn't, we find another home for.
- I don't know about that. - Come on. Look how happy they are.
Wasrt there ever anything you really wanted?
I'll never have breasts!
Oh, honey.
Okay. But the one that we choose not to keep goes.
- Goes. - Goes.
- Swear.
Don't. I don't want you to love me yet. Not yet!
I'm telling you. You're not in the clear, buddy.
Look! They like each other.
- Mongrel. - Bitch.
Look, honey, they like each other.
I don't need a bath. I just lick down there.
Trust me. I smell worse wet than I do dry.
- Cut it out! I'm warning you. - Quick, Mike, grab his tail.
What, no bubbles?
And I see there's no slice of lemon.
- Drink it. - Take it away!
I don't know why they put my dish up so high, but they serve good food.
Look at this cut of meat.
Here we go. Gonna play "chase the meat" again.
Eating and running are my two favourite things.
I'm gonna eat this meat and save you the fat, big boy.
Bad dog! Stop!
I'm frizzing. Brush while you blow, please.
Look at your hair. I can't believe I trust you with mine.
What's this guy doing here?
Gonna get some treats from the cabinet? Get some for me too.
Hit the clicker!
- Daphne, sit. - Oh, no, it's way back like this.
Daphne, beg up.
- Start with one hand. - Two hands.
If you insist.
Rocks, roll over.
Roll over, like this.
You guys are total entertainment.
It's better than chasing hubcaps. Do it again.
- Julie, paw. - Daphne, paw.
- Good girl. - Good girl.
You're getting so much better.
- No! - What?
No!
What?
- No! - What?
Get that skinny man out my spaghetti.
- Someone's playing with their food. - No, no!
Kid, shoot one of them round, meaty things my way.
Begging is so gauche.
Come on, come through for me, will you?
Come on, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yes, he scores!
Hey! He threw a meatball!
- Squealer. - Spaghetti face!
What is that? Ice cream headache! Pain! Pain!
Sorry, guys.
Chicago.
You kids behave yourselves.
My poor nerves.
- Little high-strung, aren't we, Daffy? - I'm just sensitive.
You've got that skeevy inbred look.
Mom knew her cousin a little too well, huh?
Better than your mother knew your father.
Put a sock in it.
I hope you won't be gone very long.
Hey, time for my walk, remember? I'm getting kind of squirmy here.
Okay, you guys are busy. I'll go right here, no problem.
- No! - What is he doing?
Bad dog.
Right hand, green.
Unbelievably, incredibly, endlessly bad dog!
I just marked that spot. I'll do it again tomorrow.
- Hello? - Hi, honey.
- How are you? - This has been a week of hell.
- Is it Daphne? - No, it's not Daphne.
It's that other moron, Rocks. He pees all over...
- He'll grow out of that. - All right, he also is a shoe gourmet.
He only eats Charles Jourdan, never my tennis shoes.
Daddy.
I'm sorry. I wish I could be there. I feel like I can train him.
Doctor Dolittle couldn't train this dog.
So, what do you think, hon? We should find him a new home?
- Oh, man! You win again! - But of course.
No. I'll give him one more chance.
Great. If he chews anything else...
...he's gone. Okay? - Okay.
I miss you. I'm excited about seeing you tonight.
That's why I'm calling.
We're going to France tonight.
France? James...
...you've already been gone for two whole weeks.
I've gotta go board now.
All right. I'll tell the kids.
Come say bye to Daddy.
Honey! What were you doing?
Flying.
Flying? Honey, you can't fly.
But those people can.
That is make-believe, honey. Remember when we talked about make-believe?
The basketball man isn't make-believe and they can fly.
Do you like them because you think they can fly?
They can't fly, either. But they can jump really high.
Daddy flies.
He does fly. But, honey, he flies in an aeroplane.
Daddy doesn't fly... Daddy.
James?
James. Honey?
Rocks!
- I like yours. - Yeah, it's so cute.
Where's your collage?
- Didrt do it. - Miss Craig is gonna slime you.
- Big deal. - Excuse me, ladies.
Why didn't you do your assignment?
It's stupid. We had to make a collage of things we asked Santa for.
But there is no...
Don't say that in front of Julie or anyone in class.
You don't want to upset everybody, do you?
- It's the truth. - What is?
Nothing, honey. Mike, please, just do me this favour.
Don't say anything to anybody.
- Okay. - All right! Bash Brothers!
- All right! We are Bash! We... - Mom. Mom!
You're a girl.
Sorry. He'll be back soon.
- Did he win at the dog races? - Ma.
Where'd he get the jacket? He looks...
- Hot. The word's "hot." - Hot. Hot.
Excuse me. This is a special evening. I'd like a bottle of Cristal.
And this is for the table.
He's picked up a few things.
What?
Six months in Miami, I return to the The Twilight Zone.
You've had faith in me all these years.
What better way to show my thanks to my mother-in-law...
...than to... - Rub her nose in it. I get it.
You made good. I'm impressed. Okay?
Okay. Thank you.
Gentlemen, would you excuse me?
There's Samantha!
- Great. - What?
I feel so schlumpy around her. Do I have dog hair on me?
Hello, James.
This is my mother-in-law. Rosie, Samantha.
- How do you do? - Hello.
- And you know my wife, Mollie. - Yes, of course, Mollie.
- Nice to see you again. - Did you ever find a job?
I'm starving. Let's order.
Do try the duck.
Samantha ought to know. She recommended the place.
You did?
How else would we get into a place like this?
- Thank you. - My pleasure.
Have a lovely, lovely evening.
Nice jacket.
She's teasing me. She bought this jacket for me.
She bought it for you?
We were in France, at a fancy restaurant.
I couldn't wear my uniform, so she had her driver buy me this jacket.
Of course.
Gosh, she forgot her pocketbook. Hey, Samantha!
Is it just me, or was she...
I wanted to slap her teeth out.
It's obvious, isn't it?
She practically offered him Taster's Choice.
I don't know what to do.
I know people. We could have her audited.
That is not a good idea. It's my fault anyway.
I pushed him to make him exactly what I wanted him to be.
And now he is. I hate it.
He's a keeper. Talk to him.
I know it.
Can you excuse me?
Good. Make a scene. Here, throw this in her face.
Ma, I am just gonna call the sitter.
Hello?
Yeah, everything's cool.
All right, bye.
You hooligans.
Well, what do you do for fun? Shed?
At least I don't have vermin building condos in my fur.
At this rate, you won't have fur. That kid's giving you a bald spot.
My mistress is kind. Your child is demon spawn.
"Your child is demon spawn."
Quit brushing her. She already looks like a Q-tip.
Your dog smells like a diaper.
- Does not. - Diaper dog! Diaper dog!
Q-tip-head dog.
Stinky dog!
Bald-butted dog.
I got it! It's mine. No problem.
I'm homeless!
What happened?
You mongrel wretch!
- Get real. It's just a box, Daffy. - Daphne!
Come on. I'm sorry.
- Look, I can fix it. - I never want to see you again!
It'll be tough. I live here.
We'll just see about that!
Let's see.
She yells the most when he gets the ones in boxes.
What does he see in these smelly things?
Courage, Daphne, courage. You'll be rid of him soon.
You think there's nothing weird about buying someone dinner and clothing?
If a guy asks me to Le Cirque and buys me a teddy, it's okay?
A jacket's not a teddy. This is a teddy.
I'm trying not to be a shrew and scream and hate her guts.
Although I wouldn't mind seeing her decomposing body by the river.
You don't have to socialize with her.
Just keep your eyes on the road...
...or the sky or whatever you keep your eyes on.
Answer me this: Why is it that I can trust you...
...when you had an affair with a married client?
That was 8 billion years ago! I never see him.
How do I know that? I can only trust. I have faith in you.
You don't have much faith if you keep bringing it up.
I don't keep on bringing... Oh, honey, listen to us.
After six years, we're still jealous.
- Isn't that good? - I don't know.
It's you I like. It's not Samantha.
I like you.
Honey, I'm crazy about you. I love you so much.
Watch out for her. She's real flirty. I know about girls like that.
I was one.
- Okay. I promise. - Okay.
He did it!
Mom, it was her fault.
I'll put them to bed.
Honey, don't ruin it. Don't ruin the moment.
- I don't want to go. - You have to go.
- But you don't trust me. - I do. I do trust you.
I don't trust her.
You two, come on.
Hi, honey.
- Where are you? - I'm in London.
I'm in San Francisco, honey.
I'm in Reno.
We're in Dallas.
What do you mean I'm being audited? It's not even tax season!
Mom? Where's Dad?
He'll be home soon.
Will he be here for Christmas?
Your dad wouldn't miss Christmas for all the stars in the sky.
What about the moon?
The moon too.
Bedtime.
- I love you. - I love you too.
Good night.
- She thinks we're in Dallas? - She bought it.
- Dumb cow! - Dumb cow!
And what do you want for Christmas, little boy?
Well, Mollie...
...I never asked you what you want for Christmas.
Santa, I can't think of any present I'd rather have than you.
Oh, Albert!
Come here, you studmuffin!
Honey, what are we doing?
I don't know. This isn't us. We'd never do this.
Do you think we're dreaming?
I think it's one where you know you're dreaming.
Excuse me, but we were having an affair.
Does this mean we can do whatever we want to do in the dream?
Excuse me.
You see that? I told you they werert real.
Honey, you know I can't dance.
You can dance. This is our dream.
Oh, James.
Ex cuse me. Mistress? Please wake up.
I need to be walked quite badly as a matter of fact.
Oh, well, I'm a lady. I can hold it.
No, I can't, I'm desperate! Oh, God, she's in a coma.
Please wake up!
I can't have an accident like a common mutt. It's too demeaning.
Baby, you are so jumpy. Let her alone. She looks happy.
Well, what am I supposed to do?
- I'll take you out. - But how?
Come on.
But we need a master to open the door.
Want to bet?
How did you do that?
I know things not taught in school.
Ex cuse me. I was valedictorian.
Give it up, kid. Come on!
What about my leash?
You haven't lived till you try it naked.
Don't get fresh!
- How about dinner out? - I'm not hungry.
You dolls always say that. Forget your diet. Let's get Italian.
No. I'm so fat these days, I look like an English sheepdog.
You nuts? You look great.
When I was young, I had one of those greyhound hardbodies.
- What do you mean? You're a kid. - Well, I'm pushing 7.
Seven? You don't look a day over 5.
Do you really think so? Well, maybe a little Chinese.
I know just the place. Follow me.
Wait until you taste their moo goo gai pan.
- Great. - Hope it's on the menu.
But wait. Where are the dog dishes?
We don't need no dog dishes.
- What are you doing? - Getting us takeout.
How clever.
The green tea ice cream goes great with lobster sauce.
- Oh, ex cuse me. - Good, huh?
What do you think about the world at large?
I must admit, there's a certain exhilaration to this leash-less state.
When I think about it, Samantha never let me run free, or petted me...
...or played with me. Actually, I never liked her. You know what else?
I hate this haircut. My butt is freezing!
Nice butt. No offense, no offense!
It's getting bright out. We should get back.
- It's only the shank of the evening. - We really should.
All right. I know a shortcut.
- Through that? - Yeah.
Wait a minute. What is it?
Mud. You never seen mud before?
It's mud. When the wet stuff comes down and hits the dirt.
- Dirt? - Oh, you have been sheltered.
I won't lie: It's not the highlight of our evening.
Just gotta grit your teeth and slog through it.
Oh, no, no, no. There is absolutely no possible way I could...
Firm...
...yet squishy.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Sorry? I like it!
The oozy gooey-ness of it. It's so...
...sensual!
- It's glorious! - It's mud.
- Play with me! - Now?
Play with me in the mud!
You're a wild thing!
This is totally filthy!
By the way, I never asked you... What's your name?
Me? They call me "No."
Silly. "No" isn't your name! That's what they say when you're bad.
No. What's another word they say all the time to you?
There's that "Rocks" thing.
Rocks! That's it. That's your name.
You are one smart cookie, you know?
You finally noticed.
Well, be cool. Here comes the doorman.
Permit me to walk you to your door.
I almost hate for this to end.
Well, Rocks, thank you for a wonderful evening.
It's so ex citing out there.
But it's nice to have a warm place to come back to.
Where you don't fight for food, and people don't throw you into trucks.
- You mean home? - Is that what this is?
It's our home.
Yeah. Home.
- I like the ring of that. - No!
Rocks! You have eaten your last shoe around this house!
- Oh, no. - What'd I do?
- You are out of here! - No!
Mike, hold on. Honey, open the door.
Mike, will you please open the door?
I want Daddy!
Merry Christmas, guys.
Merry Christmas, Tom. Merry Christmas, Dave.
Merry Christmas, Samantha.
Oh, dear. This is going to be difficult.
I spoke to Conti. After swearing he'd keep all our people...
...he now won't go through with the merger...
...unless I let go of 3000 of them.
You're kidding. Well, can't you do anything about it?
Well, I have this one chance. He has this cabin upstate.
He wants me to go there, plead my case this afternoon.
Oh, Samantha, it's Christmas Eve. I can't.
I know. Believe me, I know.
If there was any other way, but, I mean, 3000 people?
Be right back. Ralph!
Ralph, you're current on the Falcon, right?
No. No way.
- Don, I know you are. - Christmas Eve, man.
- Bill, I'll give you $500. - I can't.
- 600. - Hell, I'll do it.
- 750. - We're married.
We want to stay that way. Jerry might do it. He's single.
Too late. He's on the runway.
Jerry! Stop! Jerry, stop!
Honey, I'm really sorry.
I did everything I could to try to get out of this.
My parents will be here in less than an hour.
I'm still peeling potatoes and a sock's stuck in the garbage disposal.
I'll take care of it later.
And I'll be there for dinner, I promise.
Can I talk to Mikey?
Yes. Mike, it's your dad!
- Hello. - Hey, Mike.
I know that you're not feeling so good right now, but...
When will you be home?
I'll be home very soon.
I want you now.
I want to be there too.
Hey, do you think Santa would keep us apart on Christmas Eve?
I mean, no way. Right?
Here's Julie.
Hi, Daddy.
- Knock, knock. - Who's there?
- Mary. - Mary who?
Merry Christmas, Daddy!
- Hi, Rocks. - How you doing, kid?
I'm sorry. Mom won't let you in the house.
It's not like I never spent the night outside before.
Why'd you have to go and chew on her shoes?
It was me, Rocks. I did it.
- I set you up. - I know.
But it was before we... Oh, I'd give anything to take it back.
Mom says you have to go away.
It was only a matter of time. This home stuff was too good to last.
Mom says someday I can get another dog.
But I don't want another dog. You're my dog.
It's okay, kid. I don't belong here.
You're nice people. You deserve a classy dog like Daph.
She's got looks, brains.
Brains aren't everything.
I may not be smart, but I know I'm out of here.
You are smart. If you'd pay attention, you could learn...
...everything they'd want you to.
What do you mean, tricks? It's too late.
Not with America's most overtrained dog as your teacher.
- Well, here we are. - Do you mind if I use the phone?
Oh, no. There's one downstairs in the kitchen, to the right.
This line is dead. Do you have another line?
There's a fax machine here. Oh, what's this?
It's from Conti. You read it. I can't see without my glasses.
"Wort be in until late tonight, possibly first thing tomorrow.
Don't leave. Please make yourself at home."
Oh, man.
- This is dead too. - Damn!
I gotta go. I better stop the driver.
- He's gone. - He's gone?
I can't miss my family's Christmas.
James, I feel absolutely ghastly about this.
Scotch?
Let's start with something easy. "Sit" is very popular.
- You've heard it? - Sounds familiar.
Okay. Front paws stiff. Butt on floor.
That's all there is to it.
That's what they've been babbling about?
What can I say? It's a power trip. Uh-oh, busted.
Hey, kid's mom! Let's do the "sit" thing.
Hey, come over here. Ask me.
What's with you?
You're being affectionate?
Try guilty.
Well, you do have a sweet side, don't you?
Yeah.
Please don't send Rocks away.
Here! Over here! Look, look, see? I got this "sit" thing nailed.
He's decent, loyal. Everything I'm not.
What?
What, do you miss Rocks?
I thought you hated him.
Once you get past the fleas, he's charming.
That's the way it goes, isn't it?
First, you think they're not good enough.
Then they grow on you, and then you can't live without them.
Ain't it the truth.
Look, I'm just gonna walk into town and rent a car, okay?
I'll be home in a few hours.
Okay, whatever you want to do, but...
...do you think you ought to walk 10 miles in that?
That's him! That's my husband!
Oh, yeah? Well, a Merry Christmas to you too, you rude bimbo!
There's the holiday spirit.
Samantha's office won't give me the number where they are.
They're treating me like I'm some wacko!
I know what I'll do.
I'll call Mr. Conti. I bet his secretary will tell me where they are.
Mr. Conti's office.
What cabin?
I'm sorry. There must be some mistake.
Mr. Conti is in the Bahamas with his family.
James better hurry. That bird's ready to come out.
He doesn't need to hurry, Mother. He's having an affair.
- What? - There is no meeting.
He and Ms. Fortune 500 are shacked up...
...in some cabin upstate.
So while I am here, peeling thousands of little pearl onions...
...because he loves them, he's having an affair on Christmas Eve.
Come on, now. You don't believe that.
Well, Mother, what would you believe?
Sweetie, you remember in the war...
...when your father's ship was shelled and he was on that island?
For 17 days, then he was rescued. What does that have to do with this?
What you don't know was he was on that island alone...
...with 13 USO girls.
God forbid, it wasrt Bob Hope.
Those girls had been around the block...
...and remember, your father was a devastatingly handsome man.
That's beautiful.
Go on, Mother. So, what happened?
Nothing. At least he swore nothing happened.
Said they played gin rummy the whole time.
- And you believed him? - Of course not.
Well, Mother!
Now, wait. Later I met some of the girls.
It turned out that he hadrt played gin rummy the whole time.
All he did the whole time...
...was talk about me.
And I believed them.
Now, in your heart...
...do you really believe that James would cheat on you?
Well, James, since we're stuck here, we might as well relax.
Isn't it great?
This isn't good.
What?
What is this? This all seems like some kind of...
Some sort of what?
Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
You think I planned this as some sort of... Oh, God.
God, I'm wrong! Oh, man! To even think you'd go for a guy like me!
Sit down.
I am so stupid! You probably have someone like...
...Prince Charles in a condo, waiting for you somewhere.
No. And no, I didn't have any plans for tonight.
You're kidding. You were actually going to be alone for Christmas?
- I'm used to it. - I can't believe it.
When I was little, I was usually at boarding school.
Where were your folks?
- Oh, I don't know. Skiing. - Instead of being with their kid?
Their parents did it to them, they did it to me. It was fine.
I also had a lot of advantages. I went to the best schools.
I could speak 4 languages by the time I was 15.
When I was 15, I was flunking English.
I suppose I did wonder about...
Well, you know, regular high school. Boys.
- Dances. That kind of thing. - You didn't go to dances?
No. If I'm really honest, I actually don't know how.
Come on. Everybody can dance.
- Everybody cannot dance! - They can.
- No, they cannot! - It's easy.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
He's not coming, is he?
Oh, honey, he's trying real hard to get back tonight.
I knew it. He's not coming back.
Let's go and open some of the gifts that Grandma and Grandpa brought.
I'm sure Santa wouldn't mind.
- There is no Santa! - What?
There is no Santa.
Now, you stop that!
If there was, wouldn't he let Daddy be with us?
- What's wrong? Where's Daddy? - Oh, sweetie!
I want my daddy.
Christmas stinks.
Everybody just hold it! I think I have an idea.
Let's open some presents. Look what's in this. Open this one.
- I don't want one. - I'll have it.
Ms. D'Bonne's office, please.
Hello. I am calling from Olympic Florist...
...and I have 350 red long-stemmed roses...
...to deliver to Ms. D'Bonne.
I need the address, please.
They're coming from a Mr...
...James Ubriacco, Ubri...
Yeah, doll, that's it. That's it.
Good. Thanks, doll. And a Merry Christmas to you too.
Sucker.
Kids, listen to Mommy. Go in your rooms...
...and put on warm clothes. We're taking a trip.
Daddy, will you put the presents in the car?
Ma, will you put the onions in some Tupperware? Come on, let's move it!
Go! Daddy won't come to Christmas, Christmas will come to Daddy.
Rocks, I don't feel so good.
It's fun. It's chasing without the stupid running.
I'm going to lose my Kibbles 'n Bits.
What's this?
Touch a present and you'll be hunting gophers for dinner.
I smell fruitcake!
- That's gotta be fruitcake. - Rocks, I said no!
Mom. Mom, look out!
Don't worry. Mommy's just playing.
Hang on!
Stop this thing!
Are you okay? Are you okay, honey?
Is everybody okay?
All right, good. Now, wasrt that fun?
No.
No. All right.
Okay. Well, tell you what we're gonna do.
Mommy's gonna figure out how to get us out of here.
- I got an idea. - What?
You push and I drive.
Really? Good. You have your driver's license with you?
No.
Okay, good try. I know. I have an idea.
Look, there's lots of pine cones here. I'm gonna gather some up for us.
- And while I do that... - I don't like pine cones.
Oh, you don't?
Well, okay, then I will get you a stick.
And then you guys sing and guard the presents, okay?
So sing a nice loud Christmas song so Mommy can hear you.
Now what am I gonna do?
Will you stop messing me up!
Meals on wheels.
Mommy found another doggie.
That's no dog.
Hey, mama, on your way to Grandma's house?
Hey, you! Beat it!
Ooh, I love the smell of fear.
Nice wolf.
I won't hurt you.
Nice wolf.
I like wolves.
Let me out of here! Let me out!
Nice wolf.
Come on, come on.
Just leave the lady alone, unless you want to get spayed the hard way.
He talks the talk, but can he walk the walk?
Back off, this ain't your business.
The hell it ain't. That's my family.
Remember when Mommy told you the story about Peter and the wolf?
Well, there's the wolf. Where is that crazy Peter when you need him?
Rocks!
Rocks! Oh, no! No!
Rip his throat out!
Ow! My tail!
Never mess with a street dog, you wuss.
Rocks, you're hurt! Look at your paws and your ears.
Your little ears. And your neck. What did that animal do to you?
- It's nothing. - Oh, sweetheart.
Sweetheart? Oh, baby!
Hey, I smell kid's dad. Up this way.
The master?
But you're hurt. Come back to the car.
- We gotta get them help. - Then I'm going too.
- No, you're a house dog. - I've still got my animal instincts.
All right. Go back that way and get help.
All right. Which way?
- You gotta sniff for people. - Sniff?
- Stick your nose in the air and suck. - What?
Mommy's gotta go get the dogs before they run away.
- Take care of yourself. - Don't worry about me.
Sniff. No, that's snort.
Rocks! Here, boy!
Come on, guys!
- Where'd they go? - Daphne! Here, girl!
Maybe they went to the bathroom.
They should have gone to the bathroom before we left, right?
That's right.
Rocks, come back!
- Daphne! - Let's get back in the car.
- He'll come back. - Come back, girl.
I'll let you open a present. Whichever one you want.
But Rocks is hurt!
Honey, he'll be fine.
Six, seven...
...eight and slow.
Quick, quick, slow.
Good. Quick, quick, slow. Good.
Excellent. Good.
- See, you can dance. - But how do we do it like this?
Well, you just do it the same way.
Slow.
Quick, quick, slow.
I think I'm sniffing. I'm inaling and I'm getting nothing.
I'm just an inbred washout. I can't even smell... People!
I did it!
I can sniff! I am not a poodle, I am a wild, marauding beast!
Move it! My masters need help.
The phone is out, huh? You are unbelievable.
How dare you treat me like that?
Easy. You're a lousy human being.
Listen to me, James. You are a very impressive man.
Over the past few months, I have watched you bloom.
You deserve better than some...
...frumpy housewife who doesn't have the resourcefulness...
...to find herself a decent job.
She's smart enough to find me here. That's our dog!
- Hey, Rocks. All right. - Hey, big guy. Hey, pal, give me paw.
- What happened? - Not so rough.
Whoa! Is she in heat, or what?
If you walk out that door, I will personally guarantee...
...that you never fly...
...for a reputable company for the rest of your pathetic...
How do you like that? That'll cool you off.
Rocks, let's go.
Good shot, huh?
Bye.
It's a hat.
It's a hat. Let's put it on.
I think it goes a different way.
Let's see. You look so pretty!
Look at that face! Mikey, you want to open another one?
It's probably more clothes.
You're lucky we gave you some boring things.
Otherwise, you'd be freezing your tushy off right now.
Is that Daphne?
My God! My dog is a genius!
Way to go, Daphne!
No need for applause. Just throw treats.
Come on, we're almost there.
Okay, Rocks, where are they? Are we getting close?
Are we? Right.
What are you gonna say? "They're just up the road...
...about a quarter of a mile, just past the 7-11."
This way.
Are you gonna trust that dinky bulb on your face or my nose? Come on!
All right. I hope you're right.
Mollie! Mollie!
Oh, God. Mollie!
They're gone? I can't believe it.
Look on the floor. They were here. I left them here.
Come on in.
There are some cots in the back you could use.
No, thank you. We can't sleep here. We have to find my husband tonight.
No one's going anywhere tonight.
You hunker down here. We'll go out in the morning.
We have to go. This is Christmas Eve. We've gotta...
I'm sorry.
If it's any consolation, I have cookies and eggnog.
You can help yourselves.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, you guys.
I didn't mean to get us stuck out in the middle of nowhere...
...without our daddy. Sorry.
How's Santa gonna find us here?
Don't worry, he has special radar.
- Merry Christmas, Mom. - Merry Christmas, Mom.
Merry Christmas.
- He was big and he jumped me. - We'll find him.
Wait, wait. I think I'm picking up on something here.
Fresh meat, fresh meat, fresh meat.
Yeah, that's the guy.
Damn.
- He bit me. - He ain't so big.
He had friends.
The fur's gonna fly.
Run! I'll take care of these guys.
You take care of nobody, chump.
It's showtime.
- Your funeral. - Your mama.
Kill!
Honey, let's go to bed now.
- I'm not sleepy. - I know.
But you know what?
The sooner we go to sleep, the sooner Christmas will come.
Santa?
Mom.
Come over here. Look.
I think it's Santa.
Hello?
Man.
Merry Christmas, honey.
Daddy!
- Daddy! - Hi, Julie.
Where's Rocks?
You wouldn't believe it. We ran into these wolves, right?
We actually got attacked by wolves.
- Oh, no. - And Rocks came to my defence.
And one of the wolves chomped on my beeper. Look at it.
And they all totally spazzed out. Bunch of wimps.
Hey, kid, it's great to see you.
Oh, Rocks! How did you find us?
I just followed your scent.
And you smell beautiful, Daphne. Oh, honey pie!
- Pumpkin butt. - Not in front of the kids.
And, James, before the wolves...
...what were you doing?
Getting fired.
Thank God!
Mom, can Rocks stay with us now?
Honey, have a heart.
If not for Rocks, we wouldn't be here together.
- I mean, I might even be dead. - I know! That's why...
So, what if he's not the smartest dog in the world?
Who cares if he can sit down?
I can sit down.
- Or if he can beg. - Beg? Beg's easy. Look.
Who needs a beggar in the family? Or lie down?
I mean, the point is, he is still a great dog.
He stays.
- What? - He stays.
Really?
Hey, Mike, did you hear that?
I'm gonna stay!
Hey, guys?
I'm picking up something weird over here.
Hey, what is that? Come here.
Is that sleigh bells?
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
- I told you he was real. - I knew that.
- You did not. - I always knew.
- You did not. - Did too.
- She kissed you! - I hate my sister.
- Get the cootie spray! - Let's go to bed.
- I don't want to go to bed. - This is so exciting!
Santa's right outside. He's right above our head. Can't you hear it?
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