[♪♪♪]
Oh, I can't believe you saw Maggie
and her new boyfriend smoking cigarettes.
Well, I'm just glad she wasn't smoking
because they just had... you know.
She's too young to... you know.
Believe me, kids nowadays are you-knowing before you know it.
So what are you gonna do, tell Mr. Sheffield?
Oh, no. I could never betray Maggie's trust like that.
Then she'd start telling on me.
No. I've got a better idea.
I am going to let Mr. Sheffield
catch me smoking right in front of Maggie.
Oh, Fran, that is a brilliant idea.
You don't get it, do you, Val?
No.
When Maggie sees Mr. Sheffield reaming me out,
she's gonna be so petrified
she's never gonna want to smoke again.
Oh, here they come.
Oh, boy, does this bring back memories.
You miss smoking?
No.
I miss you-knowing.
Sweetheart, you want a cup of...
Miss Fine, what the devil are you doing?
Oh, my God. Mr. Sheffield.
I didn't expect you to come home and catch me.
Don't you hate when that happens?
Have you lost your mind?
Oh, I know.
Smoking in front of the children?
Oh, I know.
Well, I've always known you weren't too bright,
but of all the stupid things you've ever done...
I... what'd you say?
You think I'm stupid?
Well, I'd love to find some other explanation,
but there doesn't seem to be one.
Look, there may be somebody stupid in this room,
but it sure ain't me.
What did I do?
Wait, wait. Do you know who you are speaking to?
Yeah. I'm speaking to the guy
that if he doesn't take back what he just said,
he's gonna be looking for a nanny.
I've been looking for one for the last three bloody years.
I am out of here. And Niles feels the same way, too.
Tell him, Niles.
Who loves you, baby?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
SINGER:♪♪ She was working in a bridal shop in Flushing, Queens ♪♪
♪♪ 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪♪
♪♪ In one of those crushing scenes ♪♪
♪♪ What was she to do? Where was she to go? ♪♪
♪♪ She was out on her fanny ♪♪
♪♪ So over the bridge from Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪♪
♪♪ She was there to sell makeup, but the father saw more ♪♪
♪♪ She had style! She had flair! She was there! ♪♪
♪♪ That's how she became the nanny! ♪♪
♪♪ Who would have guessed that the girl we've described ♪♪
♪♪ Was just exactly what the doctor prescribed? ♪♪
♪♪ Now the father finds her beguiling ♪♪
♪♪ Watch out, C.C.! ♪♪
♪♪ And the kids are actually smiling ♪♪
♪♪ Such♪♪
♪♪ She's the lady in red ♪♪
♪♪ When everybody else is wearing tan ♪♪
♪♪ The flashy girl from Flushing ♪♪
♪♪ The nanny named Fran! ♪♪
[♪♪♪]
Um, Dad, if you and Fran split up,
uh, who do we live with?
Me, sweetheart.
Oh.
Find her!
Dad, you know, I really just cannot believe
that you called her a moron,
threw her out in the snow without a winter coat.
I did no such... who told you that?
Does it really matter where the boy,
who has aPlayboy in the hamper, heard it?
I never said "moron."
But you must admit she has done some things
that would qualify her as the fourth Stooge.
Shave him.
All right.
You're the doctor.
[HUMMING]
What are you doing?
Well, I have no idea.
I mean, the man has a slight five o'clock shadow,
but it's not like he's going to a bar mitzvah.
Shave him for surgery!
Well, where do you want me to shave him? Oh!
You know, I'll be back in a minute.
I have a girl that does a bikini wax.
Now!
Oh, all right.
Bucking for a raise?
Or perhaps she behaves the way she does, sir,
because you intimidate her.
You're always yelling at her.
I most certainly am not.
Miss Fine!
You've got some 'splaining to do.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, look at the time. Where did the day go?
Time flies when you're being unreasonable...
Sir.
Oh, how can anyone be expected to get any work done
without that door flying open
and someone barging in?
Mr. Sheffield, I'm sorry to bother you,
but we've got a problem, and, boy, you are never gonna guess this one.
Niles, do you need to speak with me as well?
Oh, no, sir. I simply wanted to be here
in person for this one.
Brighton was in gym class.
And, well, when he looked around,
compared to all the other boys, he's small.
Small?
You know, like in, petite.
Poquito.
Gherkin.
Hello, friend.
You're sitting on John Malkovich.
I don't hear him complaining.
You are going to rectify this situation.
-Wow! That sounds painful. -Mmm.
Yes.
Thanks to you, in eight weeks,
the curtain goes up on a six-foot, 300-pound stage manager with a Mohawk
singing, "Consider yourself one of us."
Well, all right. What do you have in mind?
You're gonna talk him back into the show.
Oh, but Mr. Sheffield...
No buts, Miss Fine.
You are going to march yourself upstairs, put on something smashing,
take him to the best restaurant in town,
and order the most expensive thing on the menu.
Well, all right, but I'm not taking the limo.
Oh, yes, you are.
Slave driver!
But there is no way you're gonna buy me a new dress.
Get out!
Sir, it's obvious you miss Miss Fine.
She's probably at her mother's.
Why don't you just call?
I most certainly will not.
Mr. Sheffield, I haven't heard from Fran
since you called her a brainless, big-haired shmegegi.
Fran is a very sensitive girl.
You should take a lesson from me.
I know how to talk to her.
Ma, these are not Fran's children.
Fran doesn't have any children.
She's not married. She's all alone.
Louder, ma. I don't think they heard you in Uruguay.
Still, their side never did as well as us.
What well? My daughter's a maid.
Nanny, ma.
Never mind me. Have the party wherever you want.
Oh, ma, you're just saying that
to try and make me feel guilty.
I'm not trying to make you feel anything.
Feel this. Is this a lump here?
I am so upset about this whole thing I can't even eat.
This is between you and my daughter. I don't like to mix in.
Miss Fine, I think you're very wise
not to rush into this.
You're far too sensible a woman to marry a man you just...
[SHRIEKS]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did this fork accidentally puncture your tuckus?
Maxwell, is it true that you called
Nanny Fine a witless, man-chasing floozy?
[SIGHING] I did no such thing.
Oh, then it must have been me.
Oh, kidding aside. I am going to miss Nanny Fine.
We were getting so close.
I'll kill you!
Sir.
You want something, don't you?
Nanny Fine wants something.
Oh, yes! Yes!
Oh, God, this is good!
Are you done?
You want to have a ciggy butt and cuddle now?
Question. When they shot Bambi's mother,
did you find that a sad moment
at all?
Well, I, for one, hope she comes back soon.
I don't like wandering around the house alone.
I can never think of anything to do.
[LIP-SYNCHING] SINGER:♪♪ Just take them old records off the shelf ♪♪
♪♪ I'll sit and listen to them by myself ♪♪
♪♪ Today's music ain't got the same soul ♪♪
♪♪ I like that old time rock 'n' roll ♪♪
♪♪ Don't try to take me to a disco ♪♪
♪♪ You'll never even get me out on the floor ♪♪
♪♪ In ten minutes I'll be late for the door ♪♪
♪♪ I like that old time rock 'n' roll ♪♪
♪♪ Still like that old time rock 'n' roll ♪♪
♪♪ That kind of music just soothes the soul ♪♪
♪♪ I reminisce about the days of old ♪♪
You realize, of course, now I'm going to have to kill you.
I'm not apologizing, Niles. I happen to be right.
Well, if she doesn't come back
until we find a new nanny,
you can take care of the children.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, dear God,
please let that be her.
Please, please, please.
Oh, Yetta.
Yetta, what happened?
We found her wandering around on Queens Boulevard.
She says she lives here.
Play along. It's cheaper than a cab.
Officer, thank goodness you're here.
Look, our nanny is missing.
She stormed out of the house this morning,
and we haven't heard a word since.
She got upset when he called her a gorgeous sexy vixen
he couldn't live without.
I never said that.
Don't you wish you had?
If she's still missing after 48 hours,
call the precinct.
We'll send someone right over.
Send Officer Kertz.
We listen to Howard Stern together.
Meanwhile, it looks like I'm sleeping over.
Well, Yetta, our door is always open for you.
FRAN: [EXCLAIMS]
[GASPS]
Oh, my God. Yetta.
What a coincidence.
Saul said the same thing not 10 minutes ago.
What the devil's burning?
Oh, God.
Oh, Saul, I ruined your bagel.
Oh, no, no.
You could just scrape off the top. It's still good.
What did you do with all the cream cheese?
Yetta, you didn't drop anything under the table and go look for it, did you?
One time, just to see if I still had it.
Oh, God. That was you?
That was you?
Wait till you get a load of the chick I fixed him up with. Ta-da!
I'm sorry I'm late.
I had to dig up a brassiere that hooks in the front.
What? No good?
[GIGGLING] That was nice.
Do you want a cigarette?
No, no. I told you I quit.
Here, put those away before my dad walks in.
I'd like to live long enough
to see if Ross and Rachel actually get together.
Boy, your dad catching Fran really freaked you out.
Yeah. It's almost like they set this whole thing up
to scare me out of smoking.
Oh, no, they couldn't have, though.
My dad's a really bad actor.
-Niles. Psst! Niles. -Mmm-hmm?
-Do you think... -That Miss Fine allowed you to catch her smoking
simply to teach Miss Margaret a lesson that would be more effective
than you screaming at her, thereby breaking her of a disgusting habit
and keeping your fragile relationship intact?
Yes. That.
Well, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.
She does have a certain unique way of dealing with the children.
Okay. Well, we gotta make Maggie beautiful.
Yeah. Like that's gonna happen.
Shut up, Brighton.
Hey, be nicer to your sister.
Why? Because we're a family?
Yes, that's right.
And someday your father's gonna be old and sick.
You're gonna want him to live with her.
Everything you need to know about a man,
you can find right in his cart.
If there's a box of Midol, keep moving.
Corn pads means he lives with his mother.
Learned that the hard way.
And if you see two guys
with sweaters tied around their necks buying pesto,
save yourself the pain.
What about him?
Hmm. Let's see. Cabbage, chili, refried beans.
[EXCLAIMING] One dinner with him
and you'll spend the rest of the night blaming the dog.
How could you embarrass me like that?
What's going on?
That-- That boy was mauling her on the balcony.
It was just a kiss.
He kissed you?
Yeah.
[SQUEALING]
Your first kiss. That's so exciting.
[GASPS] Let me get the camera.
Oh, God, Niles, what have I done?
Well, let's see.
You insulted her intelligence...
It was a rhetorical question, Niles.
What-- What would you do if someone was missing?
Well, that depends on who it is.
If it were Miss Babcock,
well, you know how much I love her.
I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress.
You'd have to be dead six months to fit into it.
He wants these contracts in London by morning.
Well, here, hop on.
With the time difference, you'll just make it.
Unwanted dirt just slides right off.
Why? I want to die.
There, there, now, don't do anything rash.
Maggie, go see if you can find some bottles.
Niles, do we have any old nipples around the house?
Hello, hello.
All right, Niles, I give up.
Look, since Miss Fine is so damned smart,
if I were missing, what would she do?
Well, knowing our little Margie,
she'd run next door to Roger Clinton's
and have him call the FBI.
Oh, don't be absurd. No one in their right mind's gonna...
-I'll get my coat. -I'll get my coat.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
-Hello, Maxwell. -Hello, Roger. I'm desperate.
Do you have any contacts in the FBI?
I'm sorry, Max. I can't fix any more parking tickets.
No. Miss Fine ran out of the house this morning.
I can't find her anywhere.
Well, I heard you called her a...
No, no, that's what Newt's mama called my sister-in-law.
You know, Newt's lucky Bill even let him on that plane.
I'd have made him fly Continental.
Chelsea, honey, I know exactly what you're going through.
Miss Fine, what the...
[SHUSHING]
Yeah, sweetie. You don't know whether the boys like you for you
or because of who your father is.
Look, my father was the president of the Jewish Auto Mechanics Club.
Well, it wasn't a very large group.
FRAN: Let me talk to your mother.
Hillary's looking for a new nanny for Chelsea.
Wow! You'll pay me that much?
I'll match it.
And my room will be in the East Wing?
New carpets, new-- new drapes.
Oh, I'll get to meet Barbra?
Oh, Walters.
I'm-- I'm sorry for what I said.
I really am. And-- And you're right.
I... I was the stupid one.
Hold on a minute, Hil.
Please, Miss Fine, please come back.
You know the children love you, and I...
I...
Well, I mean, we were getting so close.
Close?
Well, in a, in a strictly professional way.
Yeah, right.
Uh, Miss Fine...
Oh, Mr. Sheffield,
you want to play that game. Okay.
You're the boss, and I'm the nanny.
You give me a raise, and I'll give you one.
Stop it!
Stop it, Miss Fine. We're in your mother's house.
So? The couch has protection.
Hillary, on second thought,
I thank you for the job offer,
but I'm gonna have to take a pass.
I just remembered something my old boss could give me that you can't.
Oh?
Fran, I'm gay.
[GASPING]
You're gay?
Oh, thank God.
Uh.
Uh, I'm letting go and you're not. Why?
Hillary, honey, it's very flattering,
but I just can't do it.
Honey, all right, already.
Oh. Miss Fine.
Hillary, this is getting embarrassing, babe.
Miss Fine.
What? Camp David on the holy days?
Miss Fine!
Gotta go, Hillary.
Letting you think I was talking to the First Lady, that was smart.
Forgetting to plug the phone in, stupid.
[EXCLAIMS]
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]