Oh, Val, I am sitting on a secret for over a week now
and I cannot tell a living soul.
[sighs]
-Good cake. -Niles and Ms. Babcock are having an affair.
[gasps]
-With who? -With each other.
So where are they now?
Well, he was called out of town
for this big family reunion in London
and she said she'd take him to the airport in the limo.
In the back,
because all of a sudden she was in need
of duty-free L'air Du Temps.
Hello, hello.
-Hi, Ms. Babcock. -Hi, Ms. Babcock.
Um, Ms. Babcock,
did Niles get off okay?
Yes.
Oh, Nanny Fine, would you please tell Maxwell
that there's a crack in the privacy glass in the limo.
It looks to me like someone's heel went through it.
Oy, the limo.
Oh, I feel so bad for Ms. Babcock.
These are the moments that you wanna share with someone close to you.
-Yeah. -You know, like your mother.
Ma.
Maggie, I have something to tell you.
I got that modeling campaign in Japan.
Oh, congratulations.
What I'm about to say your parents aren't gonna like.
But I have to leave in less than five days
and I can't stand the thought of us
being apart for a whole year.
So, Maggie...
will you marry me?
-Yes! -No!
[theme song playing]
♪She was working In a bridal shop In Flushing, Queens
♪Till her boyfriend Kicked her out
♪In one of those Crushing scenes
♪What was she to do? Where was she to go?
♪She was out on her fanny
♪So over the bridge From Flushing To the Sheffield's door
♪She was there to sell make-up But the father saw more
♪She had style! She had flair! She was there!
♪That's how she became The Nanny
♪Who would have guessed That the girl we described
♪Was just exactly What the doctor prescribed?
♪Now, the father Finds her beguiling
♪Watch out C.C.!
♪And the kids Are actually smiling
♪Such joie de vivre
♪She's the lady in red
♪When everybody else Is wearing tan
♪The flashy girl From Flushing
♪The Nanny named Fran!
This boy just asked my daughter to marry him.
What do you mean "yes"?
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
I didn't mean to say yes before you.
It's just that it's in my DNA.
I hear a marriage proposal, I have to accept.
Look, Margaret is entirely too young to get married.
Why? I was just about her age when we got married.
Well, all right, I should have been her age when we got married.
Excuse me, but this is a very important moment in my life.
Could we have privacy?
-No. -Yes.
Fine.
I love you, Michael, and I would love to marry you.
Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God. -What's wrong?
Come see the ring my son-in-law, the Jewish model,
gave my daughter.
Oh, my God.
No one's getting married.
You're getting married?
Oy, I have never been this thin in a wedding photo before.
How fast can you do it?
We got five days to plan the wedding.
There is no wedding.
Are ostrich feathers politically correct after dark?
-Excuse me. -Oh, look at that ring.
-We have to get dresses. -I don't wanna sit next to her cousin.
Excuse me.
I haven't finished here.
Oh, sorry, honey. Keep talking. We're listening.
-What-- -I think that we should have
a make-your-own Belgian waffle bar.
-Is that perfect? -Ooh!
What are you talking about?
There isn't gonna be a wedding. Will you come back here and discuss this?
Where are you going? Get back here.
I have not finished with this.
What's all the noise about?
I'm marrying your sister. But actually, Fran said yes
and your grandmother left with the ring on,
and no one's letting your father talk.
Welcome to the mishpachah, bro.
[music playing]
Margaret, you haven't even been seeing this boy for a year.
How about a cupid fountain that pees mimosa?
Ooh!
Oh, the Schwartzburgs had that at the bris.
It was very unique.
[sighs]
-I need some air. -You know, that doesn't work. Give it here.
Dad, I don't understand.
First you're upset because Michael and I wanna move in together
and then you're upset because we wanna get married?
Excuse me.
-Val? -Uh-huh.
I'm a little bit nauseous.
Do you have any soda crackers or anything?
Well, I got some Cap'n Crunch in the glove compartment.
-Honey, could you get some? -Oh, here, use this.
-I thought you said it didn't work. -On the window,
but it's perfect to pry open the glove compartment.
How about a caricaturist for the wedding?
Oh, that's so tacky, Ma.
Can we just stick with the cupid peeing?
Well, I'm sorry, but I don't see a box of Cap'n Crunch in here.
Oh, no, they're not in a box. They're loose.
Here. Take these.
Now, I've had enough. I am the head of this household.
And as such, I have a say in the future of my eldest daughter.
This will not be rushed into.
There will be no wedding. End of discussion.
Oh, you are going to make such a beautiful bride.
This is a knockoff of the dress Melissa Rivers almost bought.
[together] Ooh!
Oh, Fran, what are we gonna do about Daddy?
He was so upset when Val dropped him off at the theater.
Oh, sweetie.
It's been my experience with your father
that he just needs time to think about it
and then he changes his mind.
Fathers are always devastated
when their little girls get married.
But your father was happy.
I said little girls.
[sighs]
-Fran? -Yeah?
I remember the first time you brought Maggie in.
You were just the nanny and I was working here behind the counter.
-Yeah. -Now you're married,
you got a whole family
and I work at a doughnut shop
six blocks closer to the bus stop.
When you wish upon a star.
It's so fancy. Everyone will look at me.
So? They'll think you're a beautiful girl.
I don't know. I'm not good at this like you are.
Honey, that's what I'm here for.
What do you think? You turn 14 and boom,
you've got the savoir faire and sophistication
of a woman of my years and experience?
Look, when I was 14...
Oh, go try it on.
Who knew this job would be so demanding?
Please, I'm exhausted.
Oh, sweetie, what's wrong?
I'm just so happy
that I got married before her.
Oh. Sure. Yeah.
Do you think it would take away from the bride if I wore this?
[music playing]
Hi, sweetie.
I knew you were upset,
so I made you a little chocolate pudding.
You made it?
Well, I made it to Zabar's before they closed.
Oh, sweetie.
You have no idea how your disapproving of the wedding
upsets Maggie.
I mean, can you imagine how upset I would be
if my parents disapproved of me marrying you?
I mean, in a world gone mad.
Yes, but it just doesn't seem right to me.
I mean, she's not ready.
Well, it seems right to her.
And if you would just stop yelling at her
and try listening to her,
I think that you would know what it feels like.
I can't. I can't talk to her.
She'll just look at me with those eyes of hers
and I can't refuse her anything.
Honey.
That's exactly what we're counting on.
Oh, hi, honey. Look who's out here.
Sweetie, why don't you sit down, talk to your father
and I'm gonna go check on dinner.
Gracie, how's it coming?
Daddy, I know you're upset,
but I don't think you really understand
how Michael and I feel about each other.
Sweetheart, how can you be sure?
You haven't known him long enough.
Didn't you know the moment you saw Fran?
Yes, but we both wanted to wait the proper amount of time.
Fran wanted to wait?
Dad, why wait when you know?
I mean, it's like when you read a script
and you just know that it's gonna be a hit.
I mean, except for when you passed onCats...
-because that was kind of-- -Yes, yes. All right, no need to rehash.
Well, Daddy, can't you see that Michael is myCats?
Please, just don't let me pass on this one.
[music playing]
You're really in love, aren't you?
So much.
You know, I love you too, Daddy.
And I love you, sweetheart.
And you're gonna make a beautiful bride.
[music continues]
Thank you for inviting me to your wedding, Maggie.
Yetta, I'm--
[mumbles]
Did you hear about Ms. Babcock and the male maid?
What are you talking about?
Well, Franny and her husband walked in on them
when they were doing the horizontal hora.
Where? Kitchen, closet, stairway, limo?
Walmart?
Walmart, huh?
Well, if they dig the danger of getting caught,
they should try the aluminum sheds at Home Depot.
Fran, everything looks so beautiful.
It's exactly how I pictured it.
Oh, sweetie, remember all those times
you'd come down these stairs
holding the flowers from the foyer,
making believe you were a bride?
That was you, Fran.
Niles. They saw us.
No. No. No.
No, what does it matter where?
The important thing is when you get back,
I need to pick up something at Home Depot.
-[bell dings] -Oh, honey, that's Michael.
You can't let him see you before the wedding.
-It's bad luck. Go put some makeup on. -It's on.
Well, put some more. You're taking pictures with my family.
You're gonna disappear next to the cast of Ringling Bros.
-Hi, sweetie. -Hey.
[kisses]
Let me take your coat. Come on in.
Hello, Dad.
Hello, son,
who's taking my daughter away.
I just wanna let you know that I love your daughter very much.
I am gonna take such good care of her.
I'm sure you will.
I've always dreamt of having my daughter marry an underpants model.
Oh, look. "Mr. and Mrs. Brolin."
Yeah, it's my cousin James.
James Brolin?
Oh, boy, if his wife's name is Barbra,
they can really have fun with that.
His wife's name is Barbra.
Oh, do they really have fun with that?
I don't know, they just got married.
-In July? -Yeah.
-In Malibu, California? -Yeah.
-Were her photos in People? -Uh-huh.
-And they're coming here? -In, like, 10 minutes.
They wanted to get here early 'cause they have to leave early.
She's got a 9:00 flight.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
Oh, my daughter is marrying a boy
whose cousin is married to Barbra.
My dreams are finally coming true.
I'm going to be a Streisand.
Maxwell.
-Maxwell. -What, darling?
Barbra Streisand is coming to my house and...
-And... -And what, darling?
I think I'm going into labor.
What? Oh, my God.
Someone, pack a suitcase. Quick. It's time.
Sweetheart, we have to get you to a hospital.
No. No. The pain is not that...
[groaning]
Bad.
No, darling, we're going to the hospital.
-No. No. I don't wanna go. -Come on.
-I don't wanna go. -Come on.
I'll have them over here. It'll be fine.
Please. Honey, not today.
Barbra's married to Dr. Kiley fromMarcus Welby.
He'll know what to do.
All right, I got her makeup bag
but someone else is gonna have to get her clothes.
Yetta, would you let everyone know that Fran's doing just fine.
The doctor's in with her right now.
It turns out it was a false alarm.
Fran.
She's pregnant.
Yes, well, of course I'm the father.
Well, because I just know, that's how.
Yetta, would you put someone else on the phone, please?
Mrs. Sheffield, it seems you had
some unusually strong Braxton Hicks contractions.
It's very common for women over 35 under stress.
Have you been stressed about anything recently?
You mean, besides the fact that you think I'm over 35?
Nothing to worry about. You're in no danger.
But you do seem a little agitated.
Yeah, well, you would be too
if Barbra Streisand was at your house at this very moment
and had to leave in less than two hours.
Who?
Oh, my God.
Darling, darling, what is it?
He does not know who Barbra Streisand is.
Sweetheart, I've just spoken to your mother.
The guests are gonna enjoy their dinner
but we're gonna postpone the ceremony until tomorrow.
But what about Barbra? What about Barbra?
She's enjoying herself thoroughly.
She's singing.
Barbra Streisand is singing in my house?
Mrs. Sheffield, I'm sorry,
but you've got to remain here overnight.
But you said that I wasn't in any danger.
I want to play it safe. I'd prefer if you stay off your feet.
You know, the doctor's absolutely right, sweetheart.
What you need is a calming environment.
What could be more calming than Streisand singing 'Evergreen'?
'Evergreen.' That's Barbra Streisand.
My uncle's her dentist in California.
I've met her.
Oh, my God.
It's six degrees of aggravation.
Okay, he's gone.
-Get my dress, get my purse. -No. Darling, darling, no, no, no.
I want you in that bed.
You know, honey,
if you said that ordinarily, it would be a big turn-on.
But right now, get out of my way.
Sweetheart, you'll just have to see Barbra another time.
Come on, you've waited this long.
What you need right now is to stay calm
and not get over excited.
-But, honey-- -No buts.
-I want you to stay in that bed. -But, Max--
Do you understand me?
Yes.
And you know I'm right?
-Yes. -Yes.
I'm sorry, honey. I know that I'm acting childish.
I'll spend the night here like they want me to.
And I'll be right here by your side.
Oh, sweetie, I love you. You're such a good husband.
You're so busy taking care of me.
Meanwhile, when was the last time you even ate?
Oh, I don't know. I had some breakfast this morning.
Matter of fact, I'm a little peckish.
Why don't I pop out, bring us both back some dinner?
-Okay. -What are you in the mood for?
Whatever you're in the mood for.
Well, I could go for a burger.
Really? You couldn't go for Chinese?
I could go for Chinese.
You too?
-I'll be right back. -Okay.
I love you.
You're the best husband
in the whole wide world.
But I'm a person who needs people.
And in about 10 minutes,
I am going to be one of the luckiest people in the world.
[music playing]
Hello, gorgeous.
Barbra?
Barbra, can you hear me?
[phone ringing]
-Hello, hello? -[Maxwell]Sweetheart?
Oh, hi, honey.
Uh, are you mad at me because I ran out?
[Maxwell]Not half as mad as you're gonna be with yourself.
Why?
Because when I called home,
I arranged a little surprise for you.
♪Even our piano
♪In the parlor
♪Daddy bought for ten cents
♪On the dollar
[all together] ♪Everyone knows that I'm just Second hand Rose
[singing]
[music playing]
And do you, Maggie,
take Michael to be your lawfully wedded husband?
-I do. -[sobbing]
Oh, Niles, I really wish you could be here.
You should see how beautiful Maggie looks.
Yes, everybody is using the coasters.
Here's Ms. Babcock.
Normally, at this point in the ceremony,
I like to say a few words about the couple
embarking on their life.
But I think the sentiments were best expressed by Barbra
who just last night stood right here
and sang 'What Are You Doing the Rest of Your Life?'
She sang that too?
I now pronounce you husband and wife.
[Sylvia sobbing]
[cheering]
['Wedding March' playing on piano]
Oh, wasn't it beautiful, Mama?
-Beautiful. -Oh, yes.
Is Barbra's voice as flawless in person?
Well, actually, it was a little tired
after singing the score ofFunny Girl
and six new songs from her next album.
I'm so glad that I'm pregnant.
Why?
It's the only thing that's keeping me from killing myself.
Oh, Val, I am sitting on such a huge secret
for over a week now.
But I cannot tell a living soul.
[sighs]
Good cake.
Val...
-Good cake. -Niles and Ms. Babcock are having an affair.
[gasps]
-With who? -With each other.
I don't know the line.
When are they seeing... When are they...
[man] "So where are they now?"
Oh, God.
[theme music playing]
[theme music ends]