(man on TV) 'And "Love Fortress International" had no response'
'to this morning's "Daily Planet" story.'
'The newspaper reported that "Love Fortress" magazine'
and nightclub operation is little more than a cover-up
for crime including gambling, prostitution..
Well, you sure scooped that pretty boy.
Perry.
I just dropped by to congratulate you.
This is a heck of a story.
Yes. That is a heck of a story, Lois.
Clark, weren't you assigned to this piece, too?
I was kind of under the impression
that you two were permanent partners.
Well, we're not permanent permanent
partners yet, chief.
No. That would be a...big step, chief.
The kind of thing that a person would have to..
...think through.
Uh-huh, well..
...thank you for that cryptic exchange.
Now all you interpreters
let's get back to work.
We're all proud of you, Lois.
Lois, I can't believe the number you did on my man.
- Your man? - Spencer Spencer.
The owner of "Love Fortress International."
- Have you read his work? - "His work"?
This is nothing but a.. Whoa...skin book.
Chief, he takes on serious topics.
[laughing]
Look, I've read him so much, I feel like I know him.
Nobody knows him, Jimmy. He hides out from everyone.
If I had the looks, the women, the cars, and life he has
I'd hide out, okay?
[telephone ringing]
- Yes. - 'Hold for Spencer Spencer.'
- It's Spencer Spencer. - Oh, my God. The man!
- Hello. - 'Miss Lane..'
'Lois, Spencer Spencer here.'
'Quite a colorful article'
'you did on my little operation.'
'I'd like to make you a proposal.'
'What say you meet with one of my spokesmodels'
'and let us give you an accurate'
'picture of...my world?'
Believe me, I can make it worth your while.
Mr. Spencer, I have an accurate picture of your world
and a truly disgusting place it is.
Read part two tomorrow.
- Lois! - Mr. Charm.
He's probably sitting there in his legendary silk pajamas
drinking Absinthe, girls massaging him.
I...disgust...her?
[dramatic music]
I...disgust...her?
I disgust her!
You're finished, Ms. Lane!
When I'm through with you..
...we'll see who disgusts whom!
[theme music]
[music continues]
[instrumental music]
I know you think I'm not thinking about it
but just because I'm not talking about it
doesn't mean I'm not thinking about it.
Louis, marriage is a very big step.
I said I would wait, and I will wait.
I'm glad you understand.
Of course, if I was the paranoid type
I might think that you were trying to avoid the whole thing.
[chuckles] Of course not.
Avoid it.. No, I'm not trying to avoid it.
Do you ever notice how lousy
the cheese sandwiches are in this machine?
- What? - Oh! I'm just saying.
You can't get a good cheese sandwich.
I mean, I would kill for a piece of camembert
the really good kind from France.
You notice it's tough to get
good camembert outside of France.
Lois, you know, I'm so glad
you're not avoiding this whole thing.
I'm very, very happy about that.
Oh! Lois. You busy?
Um, no. No, no. Heh, heh.
Just talking to Clark here.
Clark?
[instrumental music]
[people shouting in French]
Perry, I am fine. Don't worry about me.
I'm not working too hard. Can I go back to work?
Now Lois, I read you like a book.
Things get a little rough in your life
you wrap yourself up in your work..
...like it was going to save you.
Look, chief, I've gotta draw the line here.
I have a professional life
and I have a personal life..
...and Clark asked me to marry him!
Lois, don't you think you ought to try dating first?
But see, I really love him.
Well, then there's no problem--
Well, yes, yes there is, Perry!
Ha-have you ever thought that you found someone
who is exactly right for you
but then you found out some...thing
that you never knew about them
that you thought could just wreck it all?
Yes, you know after Alice and I got married
I found out her right leg
was an inch shorter than her left.
Chief--
She used to wear these little shoes
with wooden wedges in them.
Made in Portugal.
Then on our wedding night we're standing there
in front of each other, uh
in the, uh...altogether
and she's listing off to the starboard, her secret was out.
But see it, it didn't make any difference to me
because I loved her.
- That's so beautiful. - Oh, well, listen, now..
You and Clark have got to deal with whatever it is
and I don't mean over a sandwich at your desk.
Where do you mean?
Well, get out of town
so you can focus on what really counts.
Oh, well, Perry, I think I'm disciplined enough
to not be distracted by work.
- Ah, it's for you. - Oh.
Hello. Yes?
What? Are you sure?
Yeah. Yeah, I'll be right there.
My police source says they just found four bodies
all male, in a shallow grave.
The first two ID'd last seen
at one Spencer Spencer Love Fortress.
Oh, heh, heh, and get this..
They were all headless.
Good Lord. Hey, Lois!
A word to the wise..
Honey, there will always be another headless corpse
but true love..
...comes around maybe once.
Hey. There you are. Guess you haven't seen your desk yet, huh?
Not now, Jimmy. I just got a major tip I have to..
What about my desk?
[chuckles] Camembert.
Let me guess....France.
Oui. But of course.
Clark, that's...so sweet.
But?
We have to talk.
[sighs] I-I also think it's a really good idea
what Perry said about getting away.
How did you know?
Uh...s-super-hearing.
Right.
And we will talk, uh, right after I get back.
Sorry I just, uh, I have to get this statement.
But we'll do this. We will, I swear.
[sighs]
[dramatic music]
What? Oh, great. My car's blocked in.
Oh, aah..
No. No!
[cellphone ringing]
[music continues]
Yes. Hello.
(man on phone) 'Miss Lane, you have an overseas call.'
- 'Please hold.' - No. No, I can't..
Oh! Yes, I'll hold.
'Hello? Hello?'
Hello? Hello?
'Hello? Hello?'
[dramatic music]
Please hold. I'm transferring.
Yes, I-I'm holding.
Oh, hey, could you call somebody in maintenance?
They got me blocked in there.
- 'Sure, Ms. Lane.' - 'Thank you.'
[music continues]
Hello?
[creaking]
[gasps]
Aah..
(woman on phone) 'Please hang up and try again.'
[instrumental music]
- Are you alright? - Yes.
Thank you.
I know it doesn't seem like enough to say.
It's just, it's all I can.
Well...look at you.
You've gotten me out of a lot of jams
but I've never seen you like this.
Things are different now.
What do you mean...she's alive?
Idiot! High school dropout!
I'll deal with you when I see you.
Slam the phone down definitively.
Take it easy, Mr. Spencer.
It's always darkest before the dawn.
What do any of you know about pain?
I make Quasimodo look like a Rockette for cryin' out loud!
Hola! It's happy hour, is it not?
'Oh, yeah. We're all happy as hell in here.'
The Lane woman's still alive and bodies with no heads
are popping up all over Metropolis!
I merely do the experiments.
I don't dispose of the refuse.
Do I look like a gravedigger?
No. You look like an alcoholic quack.
Hm, very well.
Then perhaps I will not share my breakthrough with you.
Breakthrough?
[whirring]
Dr. Pescado..
...tell me.
I don't think so.
I hope I wasn't out of line with that
"quack" thing. What can I say?
I'm a tortured human being.
Yes, yes.
Heidi!
Jawohl.
Heidi, the data.
Jawohl, Herr doctor.
After all these long months
my brilliance..
...and your millions
have finally won out.
Do you mean to tell me
you have performed the transplant..
...successfully?
Behold...patient X!
Hm.
Here we have a man with a face like Abe Vigoda
and a body..
...and a body like Sylvester Stallone
in the first "Rocky" before things got crazy.
Pescado, this surgery will work...for me?
You have merely to select the body you wish.
I already have.
Allow me to introduce
'the new, improved..'
'...Spencer Spencer.'
[intense music]
I always say..
...shoot for the moon.
[tapping on window]
- Who is it? - Who is it?
Lois, who else knocks on your third storey window?
I, uh, I guess I didn't seem very appreciative
about all that cheese.
It's just having a boyfriend
who can turn your every whim into reality
takes some getting used to.
I mean, my gosh, if I, uh, wanted
the perfect pearl from Japan
I wouldn't expect it to just appear
'anymore than if I had some sudden craving'
for Swiss chocolate.
I wouldn't expect you to go zipping off
to Switzerland
no more than if I wanted snow from the Andes.
I mean they're just idle fantasies.
'And they're not something that's important to two..'
[chuckles]
- You got to stop doing that. - Why?
Making you happy makes me happy.
Did I ever tell you why I gave up
my crush on Superman?
Because he is a fantasy.
And did I tell you why I fell in love with Clark?
[instrumental music]
Because he's real.
And that's what I want.
- You do? - Yeah.
He's got problems and insecurities and..
...hat hair.
I do not have hat hair.
If I told Clark that I like
the scent of tulips from Holland
that is not your cue to go taxing down the runway.
It just means that Clark and I would save up
and someday take a vacation
like a normal couple.
But I am Clark.
But you're also that guy who saves the world
from killer bees and props up the Golden Gate Bridge.
Couldn't you just think of me as a very...busy
very fast, very strong...doctor?
- I need some stability. - 'Superman, help!
- 'Please!' - Ah, Lois--
I need a sense that I'm not always sharing you
with the five billion other people on the planet.
If you could just hold that thought--
I need to know that you will be there
for me when I need you.
I got to go.
[instrumental music]
[whooshing]
[disco music]
Klavel!
Towel me. Towel me.
Easy!
Think you're scrubbing a bowling ball?
First day I get new arms
I'm going to wring your neck.
'There is one little wrinkle, Senor Spencer.'
[whirring]
As Heidi and I were making
the final preparations for the surgery
'she raised a rather an important issue.'
My understanding is
that this Superman is invulnerable.
How am I to perform the excision of his head?
My scalpels will not even nick
el hombre de acero.
- What? - His schalpels will not even--
Heidi...I speak English.
Ze Man Of Schteel.
You crepe-hanging crybabies!
You think you're dealing with kids here?
The guy will cut like butter.
Ever hear of Kryptonite?
Well, I know that only a few specimens exist.
- How can you get it? - I'm getting a body transplant!
You think I cannot pull off a piece of Kryptonite?
I suppose Superman will just
cha, cha, cha into our waiting clutches.
[thuds]
No, Ms. Reichstag.
His two best friends, Lois Lane and Clark Kent
will lure him here.
My man in Metropolis says their boss
is pushing them to go off to some remote little spot
he says this Clark guy is all for it.
Well, gee whiz
I live in a remote little spot
and when they think they're stranded here
their buddy will show up and I got him!
Am I smart or what?
This promotional basket just came for you.
Judas Priest! These things get worse every year.
You know they're fleeing Cuba in things smaller than that.
They want you to send a travel editor out
to review this new private island resort.
They say it's the perfect spot to fall in love.
Jimmy, should I even bother reading my mail anymore
'or should I just ask you for a summary? Give me that.'
Um, I was kind of thinking that
the travel editor's been awful busy
and maybe you might wanna send somebody a little..
...younger, uh, a little more in need of a vacation.
You know, I think you may be onto something, son.
Tell Lois to come in here, will you?
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
[knock on door]
- Hi - Hi. See that?
Used the door just like a regular guy.
Very impressive.
Yes siree.
Came down the old street
and walked up the old stairs
just walking up the stairs.
Here, let me help.
Just like a regular guy.
Sort of..
So what was that thing that we just...crushed, anyway?
Promotion for some stupid tropical resort.
Ah, so Perry got to you, too.
He's practically forcing us to go.
I told him I'm too busy.
Yeah, well, work would be a lot safer than
spending an uninterrupted weekend with me.
Hold it. Hold it.
I'm not the one leaping off tall buildings
at every distant SOS.
Wait, wait, ah, what are you saying?
I'm saying I don't think you could let the world
get by on it's own for two whole days.
Oh, and you'd rather write about other people's lives
'cause it's less dangerous than living one of your own.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Someone...want you?
No..
- Yes.. - Go.
[whooshing]
You know...I could do it if you could.
Wanna bet?
Heh, heh...bet.
[instrumental music]
[music continues]
(Clark) Here we are!
Let me help you with those bags here, captain.
Oh! Excuse me, do you know where we check in?
Well, the, uh, brochure said something
about a, a welcoming hukilau.
Uh, I-I guess we just wait for the Hotel Jitney.
I think I understand what's going on here, captain.
You think we shouldn't be fooled
by the casual elegance of this place.
I understand that.
You know, us big city tourists might think
it's a little bit...rustic or even primitive.
[chuckles]
Thank you very much!
[instrumental music]
[Clark chuckling] Ah-ha! I knew you couldn't keep our bargain.
Two hours and already you're working.
I'm writing my will.
This way, when they find our bleached bones
someone will know my last wishes.
Well, if these are my last minutes
who better to spend them with?
Alone in paradise with the woman I love.
It's almost Biblical.
While you were out... looking around
you didn't happen to find any proof
that there actually is a hotel, did you?
No, but why wouldn't there be a hotel?
Well, maybe...no one built one
or maybe we're on the wrong island, or..
...maybe this is a penal colony
or-or maybe no living being has ever been here
in the history of the Earth!
Why don't you just go
and take a quick buzz and look?
Now, how would I do that?
I don't buzz anywhere.
Yes, but Superman does.
Yes, but..
Superman is not here.
That's cute.
[chuckles]
Boy, that's really, really, uh..
...cute.
Well, okay.
Hmm.
Thank you.
I knew you'd come through.
A joke's a joke, huh, but..
Where's the suit?
What suit? There is no suit. I left it at home.
It's just you and me
Joe and Judy Regular.
- Uh! - Wanna neck?
[dramatic music]
[Spencer laughing]
(Spencer) 'Can you believe these two?'
'Looking forward to some fun in the sun?'
[laughing]
Pretty quick it'll hit 'em, they're in trouble.
That's when they'll call in the big boy.
[whirring]
Oh, well, I've never been a patient man.
Do it!
[whirring]
[growling]
[roaring]
[dramatic music]
[growling]
[music continues]
[sighs]
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh, God! It wasn't a dream. We are here.
[laughs]
- What are you doing? - I am building our hut.
Our hut?
Well, I figure the hotel people
will be here before nightfall or the boat people will come back
and realize that they have put us in the wrong place.
Either way, we'll need shelter.
No, no, what we need is a sauna and a massage
and some room service.
So why don't you scoop me up into your arms and fly us off?
Maybe we're near Rio.
No scooping, no flying.
You have been scooping and flying
on a fairly regular basis ever since I've known you.
And now, now that we're surrounded by crazed insects
and murderous plants
now you think would be a bad time!
Lois, you challenged me to let the world
get along without me for a weekend.
Me and the world we seem to be doing just fine.
You, on the other hand, are a wreck.
Oh! Really? You think I'm a wreck?
Well, I'll show you what a wreck I am.
Let me get these pantyhose off!
Hand me one of those palm leaves.
Here you go.
[laughs]
I just wish you didn't look like your having such a good time.
Oh! I've hadn't had a vacation in years.
'Ow! Oh!'
Trust me! There could be better ones.
Okay, what do you do with this?
Too boring.
Bigger print.
The tiger ran away?
You said this was the most vicious animal alive.
And it is.
Assuming that, uh, it keeps going, you know..
...forward.
Contaminate the drinking water!
[sighs]
It's not so bad.
No. No, I think it looks pretty sturdy.
Gee, our first house.
Hey, I thought you said no scooping.
This is not scooping. This is carrying.
I'm carrying you over the threshold.
♪ Da da dum ♪♪
Our new home.
No, no, Alice, it's okay I'll go to the video store.
Uh, what's your second choice
if they're out of "Tora, Tora, Tora"?
Oh, some breaking news, dumpling. I got to go.
Chief, sometimes it seems like you're afraid of Alice.
I am, Jimmy. I am.
- Any word from Lois and Clark? - No. And there won't be.
CK says the island doesn't even have any phones.
Ah, no phones.
Jimmy, learn the value of life's treasures
a beautiful woman, a bottle of rum..
[Perry laughing] Oh, boy, I envy Clark.
Those two, they must be in seventh heaven right now.
Aah!
[chuckles] What happened?
I thought a swim might be nice.
Uh, Lois! Uh, that water doesn't look so good.
But look, th-there's a natural spring right over here.
Where have you been anyway?
Ah, I was searching for food.
And, boy, are we lucky. Look at all these bananas.
Here, this water is a lot better.
Great. By the way, I hate bananas.
Well, there's always roots and snails.
I can't believe I was complaining
about camembert from France.
It's like those words came from a different woman
a clean woman, a dope.
'Well, if there's any fish in here'
I bet I can figure out a way to catch one.
My pop used to take me fishing all the time when I was a kid.
I got pretty good.
I've never been fishing.
He's just an ordinary guy, my father
who loves to do this ordinary thing..
...fishing. I-I guess I love it because he loved it.
Your parents are really wonderful.
Maybe I want to get married and have kids
because they made it look like so much fun.
- Oh, God. - What?
I'm just never gonna be as good of a mother as yours was.
'What do I know about it?'
Your parents made marriage look fun.
Mine made it look like a root canal.
- Lois.. - 'Mother was always depressed.'
My sister wouldn't come out of her room.
My father only related to cyborgs.
I didn't want a family.
I ran away as far as I could.
Okay, so your parents made some mistakes.
That doesn't mean that you're gonna.
How do you know?
Because I hear that the guy that wants to marry you
is really, really terrific.
[instrumental music]
[dramatic music]
[whimpering]
One last trial run before the big event?
Jawohl, Herr Spencer Spencer.
No...no!
Get him out of here.
[music continues]
(male #1) 'No!'
Well, they're not sick
and there's no sign of Superman anywhere.
I'm not a patient man.
I'm telling you
they look like they don't want to be rescued.
Grab 'em!
(male #1) 'No!'
[dramatic music]
Ooh!
Oh, Superman..
...what a way to go.
[crickets chirping]
[laughs] I guess you never learned how to do that.
[chuckles] Think about it, Lois.
Why would I ever have to learn how to do this?
Well, it just so happens that I'm a former girl scout.
Good, 'cause I'm a strange visitor from another planet.
[chuckles]
So I guess by now
you concede that we are on the wrong island?
[chuckles] Well, yeah.
Why, do you want to leave?
Um...no.
I suppose I could stick it out for...one night.
Good.
Go get some dried leaves.
Clark, hurry up.
- It's starting to smoke. - Okay.
Okay, put the leaves on.
Now, blow.
Oh!
Um, well, that was good.
Next time you blow..
...just remember that it's a campfire
'not a nuclear reactor.'
Sorry.
That's okay. Let's try again.
[both laughing]
Here we go. Okay, now blow.
Blow.
Faster!
[laughing]
What's so funny?
Well, this is exactly what I thought
camping with Clark would be like.
Well, Lois, you are camping with Clark.
Oh!
- We did it. - Alright.
[sighs]
Now, if we only had some hot dogs on a stick.
Ah, the next best thing.
'Oh, boy.'
There you go, banana on a stick.
Is this how you do this?
- I guess. - I wonder what it tastes like?
[instrumental music]
You know, I dreamed of this..
...spending the night in your arms.
First it was Superman I dreamed of.
Then it was Clark.
And what happened?
Well..
...first you held me in your arms..
...and then..
...we kissed.
- And.. - And?
And then I asked you how you felt about me.
I don't know... how I feel about you.
There is no one way.
I feel..
[sighs] ...so many...things
and all at once.
Happy...
...but kind of scared, too.
Excited.
Calm.
Lost.
Found.
I feel safe in a way that I've never known
but...in danger, too.
This thing between us, whatever it is..
...it's stronger than me.
Being with you...is stronger than me alone.
That's new to me.
[instrumental music]
[dramatic music]
(Belzer) On your feet.
[intense music]
I'll tell you what.
I'm willing to forgo the bet
anytime you wanna change into..
[whispering] ...Superman, it's fine with me.
Lois, I kinda have to pick my moments for changing into..
[whispering] ...Superman.
This one. This moment. Pick this one.
Maybe we're being watched. I don't have the suit.
Maybe we'd bust out of here and never find out
what's behind all this.
Do you have rules for everything?
- Because that'd be good-- - You're being impulsive.
I'd really like to think twice about marrying somebody
with that kind of impulsive--
(Belzer) 'Hey, pipe down.'
Your host requests the honor of your company upstairs.
(Lois) 'Ah, I think I'm gonna have to pass.'
'I forgot my party clothes.'
Spencer Spencer says to come-as-you-are.
Hey, hold it, Houdini!
- Aah! - Nap time, sweetheart.
I don't how you got out of those chains
but this toxin will kill her in a few minutes.
The antidote is upstairs.
If you so much as blink
she won't get it
and you could say goodbye to your babe.
'If he even breathes wrong'
hit the alarm, and this one dies.
[dramatic music]
Come on!
Wake up!
'I've had lousy dates before'
'but this is ridiculous.'
Hiya, toots. I'm Spencer Spencer.
Welcome to my windowless lair.
You're Spencer Spencer?
I thought you'd be...taller.
You know, you're lovely when you're revolted.
Look, I don't know what's going on here
but you might as well just let me go.
Superman will be here any minute.
Well, that'd be just hunky dory with me.
[intense music]
[zapping]
This place lined with lead?
It was built as a fallout shelter.
Quiet.
[music continues]
What's he doing with her?
Anything he wants.
Well, that exactly does he want?
Superman.
[dramatic music]
You know, I was gonna kill you
'for all that crap you wrote about me'
but then I thought you might prefer
an exciting career opportunity.
- What do you mean? - You can be my sex slave.
- Kill me. - I know. I know. The body.
Maybe I shouldn't hide it in a box.
Maybe you imagine it worse than it is.
Maybe?
You couldn't imagine worse than this!
My only chance at girls like you
is shooting 'em up with cobra venom!
And then it's iffy.
But all that's gonna change now
thanks to modern medicine.
[whirring]
Oh, my God.
What? I don't look good in tights?
The headless bodies, it was you.
[dramatic music]
He says he can get you want you want.
- Lois? - Clark.
Shut up. Blow.
Mess up, and she'll look like a goalie for a dart team.
Okay, Spencer, here's the deal.
- I'm Superman. - Clark!
- What? - I am Superman.
- No, he's not. - Lois, stop.
- No, he's not. - Yes, I am.
I think you should know this man is insane.
- Lois! - So where's the suit?
No, don't tell me, you left it at home.
- As a matter of fact. - Oy..
Someone get him out of here!
Keep your eye on the candelabra.
Clark!
[zapping]
Gee, am I impressed.
Is there, uh, Kryptonite here?
I have that feeling.
Well, Spencer, you figured me out.
- I-I'm not Superman. - He's not Superman.
A passing resemblance, maybe.
It's a thing he does at parties.
So now if you'll just let her go--
Enough! I don't know what's going on here
but...something is.
Pescado! Bring in the you-know-what!
[dramatic music]
[groans]
Clark!
It is him!
Doctor..
...scrub for surgery.
[music continues]
Get in your cage.
[crackling]
[music continues]
Following the removal of the head
we will immediately freeze the body in liquid nitrogen
for attachment to you.
[music continues]
Ah! The Kryptonite has rendered his flesh
completely vulnerable.
[dramatic music]
Night-night, Superman.
[intense music]
[singing in German]
[intense music]
[continues singing]
[dramatic music]
Heidi!
Belzer!
Get whoever just ran out of here.
Do it, Pescado!
Klavel, let's go!
[dramatic music]
[grunting]
Damn it, doctor! Make the cut before he regains full strength!
Heidi, the Nitrogen!
Jawohl, Herr doctor.
[both grunting]
[wind howling]
[intense music]
'Okay. That'll hold you.'
[gunfire]
[ice shattering]
[music continues]
[both groaning]
Oh, gee.
Where's Spencer Spencer?
He's a...broken man.
I'll call someone to pick up those two.
And then could we please go home?
[chuckles] Do you wanna, uh...wait for a boat?
No. I want to fly.
First class.
Okay.
So, so, uh, he tried to decapitate Superman
and make you his love slave?
Oh, this is terrific stuff!
Ah, well, I mean, of course you must be very shaken up
'uh, unable to write even.'
I'm sending you the story now.
'Oh, great.'
Now, uh, Lois, um..
...about that other thing with Clark.
'Uh, have you thought it over yet?'
Well, things have been pretty hectic.
But you know that other side to him I mentioned?
I think I decided it's something
I could put up with.
- Goodnight, Perry. - Goodnight, sweetie.
Oh-oh, listen, Lois...great work.
[laptop beeping]
[tapping on window]
I was, uh..
...out.
And I wondered how you were doing.
Dare I ask where these are from?
Uh, down the street. Tony's.
I paid cash. You want to see a receipt?
[chuckles] No.
[instrumental music]
[chuckles] Well, I better..
Hmm.
[music continues]
[theme music]