Jeez, I'm sorry, Blake.
When I told you to close your eyes and visualize that you were on an island,
I didn't realize you were calling from your car phone.
That's okay, doc. At least I know my airbags work.
Well, I'm glad you're all right. And thank you for your call.
Oh! Look who just popped into the booth.
It's Gil Chesterton, KACL's own food critic,
which means it's my cue to hit the road.
So until tomorrow, this is Dr. Frasier Crane
wishing you a good day...
...and good health.
- Hey, Frasier. - Hello, Gil.
I heard you coughing on the air today.
Sounds like you might be coming down with something.
So I had this sent over from Rosenthal's Deli.
Chicken soup, so lovingly prepared even the chicken gets well.
Thank you. That's very kind.
And I'd never forget you, Roz.
Some ladyfingers that have been soaked in rum.
Much like her own.
I hope this isn't the start of that nasty flu that's going around.
If you want to take a couple of days off, nip it in the bud,
I'd be happy to cover your time slot for you.
- No, no, thank you. I'll be fine tomorrow. - Okey-dokey.
But feel free to call me if you change your mind.
Mm! Plump, gooey, and guaranteed to rot your teeth.
Yes, and I don't like his phony British accent much either.
You've got a bug up your mic about Gil. What's your problem?
I just don't trust him. Nobody's that nice unless they want something from you.
- Well, he's just a generous person. - Oh, yes.
He was very generous to Bonnie Weems.
He bought her a case of wine
and asked her to let him have her time slot while she was on vacation.
When she got back, she had been banished to the midnight to 4 a.m. slot.
What? He's trying to take our time slot?
We should watch our backs.
How would you like to work from midnight to 4 a.m.?
What would happen to your social life? Those are your peak hours.
- You're just being paranoid. - No, I'm not.
Yes, you are. The man brought you some chicken soup.
It does not mean he wants your time slot. Besides, why would he be bribing us?
He'd be bribing the higher ups. They're the ones who make the decisions.
Oh, Frasier, oh, good, it's still here. I'm so sorry, this is your soup.
This is the Lobster Newburg I bought for the station manager's cat.
I'll see you tomorrow, Roz.
Oh. Here's a gruesome bit.
A partly decomposed body just washed up in Puget Sound.
- Hey, that's good news. - Pardon?
Bodies don't rise till the weather gets warmer.
You get your first floater, and spring's around the corner.
Good morning, Dad, Daphne.
- Frasier, you sound awful. - It's just a little bug.
But you can't be going to work.
You're all pasty and clammy and pale.
Coming from an English person, that's bad.
Well, as you've often said, if you can walk, you can work.
Took an ironic twist the day you got shot in the hip.
At least I had a real job.
Half your listening audience hears voices already,
and the other half talks to themselves.
If you don't show up, who's gonna notice?
- Well, I'm out of here. - But you're burning up.
You should stay home and let me tend to you.
I'm a very good nurse. I mended all my brothers' soccer injuries.
- I didn't get injured playing soccer. - Neither did my hooligan brothers.
Mostly they got hurt beating up drunken Dutchmen in the stands.
Well, that's gonna look pretty against the glass in your booth.
Why don't you just stay home?
Dad, Daphne, thank you, thank you, but I am a physician.
I believe that I am the best monitor of my own condition. I'm fine.
Fit as a fiddle.
I'm sick!
And we're back with Restaurant Beat.
This is Gil Chesterton, filling in for Dr. Frasier Crane.
We're talking to Louis, who's forgotten that tonight is his tenth anniversary.
Well, Louis, I believe I've saved your proverbial derriere.
During the commercial, I managed to secure you a private booth at Maximilien's.
Just promise me for dessert you'll have their Schwarzwaldkirsh-torten.
- The what? - Schwarzwaldkirsh...
Well, maybe better stick with the rainbow sherbet.
I don't know how to thank you. You saved my marriage.
No, don't thank me.
I'm only here tonight because our dear Dr. Crane is home with the flu.
If you're listening, doc, all of us here at KACL want you to get better soon.
Oh, I just bet you do.
Time to check if the turkey's done.
Dad, you don't have to sit with me all day.
No, no, no problem. You need company when you're sick.
You never know when you're gonna croak.
Oh, boy, your temperature is up there, 101. You are a sick boy.
- Thank you for reminding me, Daphne. - I remember the sickest I ever was.
They shipped us back from Korea. I got this Oriental parasite.
It was building its own little pagoda in my colon.
Thank you, Dad.
You know, you might try some of my homeopathic tea.
It'll flush out your system and also make your hair more shiny and manageable.
- No, thank you. - No. That wasn't the sickest I was.
It was that time your mother and I took that trip down to Mexico.
I was careful about the water, and then I ate this lettuce.
Next thing you know, I'm spewing both for accuracy and distance.
I spent the night curled up on the floor screaming, "I wanna die! I wanna die!"
Wouldn't that have been a tragedy? You wouldn't be here with me now.
Okay. I get the point. I'll give you a little peace and quiet here.
Oh, no, what was I thinking of?
What about that time your mother left the potato salad in the trunk of the car?
I'm still sick from that one.
Is there anything else you need?
- Oh, a little more ginger ale, please. - Very well, then.
Oh, and Daphne, this time make it shaved ice, not cubes.
I don't like those straws. Can I have the bendy kind?
And the saltines, they're too salty. I need a low sodium.
Your wish is my command.
Hello, Daphne. Is he in pain?
Not enough.
Frasier, I brought you something.
Oh, Niles, put the hanky down, for God's sake. It's not the plague.
All right. Well, look. This is from Marta, our maid.
It's a poultice you wear around your neck.
The recipe comes from her remote mountain village in Guatemala.
I can see why her village is remote.
Well, yes, it is pungent,
but by inhaling these herbs, many of the villagers live to be well over 100.
Marta herself is 78,
and you should see her scramble up the stairs when Maris rings her bell.
Oh, Niles, would you mind?
Oh, hello, Eddie. For once, I'm actually glad to see you.
Here you are.
It's for you. It's Roz?
- Hello. - How are you feeling?
Awful, thank you.
I'm sorry to hear that because I think you should get back down here.
You were right about Gil, Frasier. He's lobbying for our slot.
I was talking to Millie in Traffic,
and she overheard Gil talking to the station manager
about how our time slot is perfect for his show
because it's mid-afternoon, and everyone is making dinner plans.
I knew it. I knew it.
Jeez. Okay. You can count on me. I'll be there tomorrow.
Well, you better be.
I don't trust that greedy, finger-licking runt
as far as I can throw him.
- I say, Roz, how am I doing so far? - Fabulous.
Okay, I'll be in tomorrow.
Frasier, you can't be serious about going in tomorrow.
Your pupils are dilated.
You have a fever.
You go in, in that condition, you won't make it to the parking lot.
I just don't trust Gil Chesterton. I think he's after my time slot.
Oh, Niles, will you stop it with the alcohol?
I just can't let that smarmy little chow hound do my show for another day.
Anybody would be better. Niles.
Niles, would you do my show for me?
Frasier, that fever of yours is making you delusional.
Oh, no. I filled in for you when you were too sick
to meet with your "fear of intimacy" group.
I wasn't sick. They were just getting too close.
Oh, you're right. It's probably a bad idea.
Doing my show requires a set of abilities that you just don't possess.
You have to be able to size up your patients very quickly
and then dispense your advice in an entertaining and insightful manner.
Frasier, this pathetic attempt at reverse psychology is beneath you.
- Then you're not gonna do my show? - Oh, I am going to do your show,
and I'll do it better than you ever dreamed of doing it.
And here's the cough button in case you need to cough or clear your throat.
And most important, here's an extra-long commercial to use
if you need a bathroom break.
Thank you, but those won't be necessary.
I have no cough reflex and excellent bladder control.
It's true. All the good ones are married.
You're on in ten seconds, and your first caller is Marcia.
Marcia, all right.
Hello, Marcia, I'm listening. That is so trite.
Hello, Marcia, tell me where it hurts. No.
Hello, Marcia, I hear you. No.
- Good afternoon, Seattle. - Oh, yes.
Hello. This is Dr. Niles Crane, filling in for my ailing brother, Dr. Frasier Crane.
Although I feel fully qualified to fill Frasier's radio shoes,
I should warn you that while Frasier is a Freudian, I am a Jungian.
So there'll be no blaming Mother today.
Okay, Roz, who's my first caller?
We have Marcia on line three. She's in love with her husband's brother.
This day promises not to disappoint.
Hello, Marcia. Let's get better.
But before we get into the specifics of your problem,
why don't I give you a little historical background?
The psychiatrist Sigmar Brom-- That's B-R-O-M, no H.
- -In the late-1950's, wrote extensively on the problem you're facing,
which is more amazing when you realize
that Brom was a prominent Reichian.
Listen to him. He's terrible.
And I'm afraid, so are you.
Your temperature's up to 103.
Oh, let it go to 105. I couldn't be better.
My time slot is safe.
Niles is as dry as this toast you brought me, with the crust still on.
I'm sure when I'm ready to go back, they'll send a limo.
Well, I'll just go get you another drink. Was that last straw bendy enough?
Perfect, thank you.
Oh, Daphne, Daphne, you know, take these tissues away. I--
They hurt my nose.
I want that kind with the little moisturizer drops between the sheets.
And the rose petals in the humidifier, they're starting to wilt.
Oh, of course. Anything you like.
Fresh rose petals, crust-less toast,
soft tissues, acupuncture needles where you least expect them.
Howard, Lois, I could stay on the air counseling you all afternoon,
but we're at the end of our hour, so I'm going to cut to the quick.
If one of you doesn't say "I love you" right now,
frankly, I don't see how you could have any future together.
So which of you has the courage to say, "I love you"?
Howard, I love you.
Yes! Yes!
Howard, she loves you!
- What about you? - I--
Howard, are you gonna just pack up your emotional tent and walk away?
Howard?
Howard, it's up to you. Can you say it? Can you?
Come on, Howard. Come on Howard.
I love you too, Lois.
Yes!
He said it! He said it!
- Hey, Niles is pretty good! - Good?
Good? The little rat is scintillating.
Now, why couldn't he do what's expected of him once and stink?
He's even better than Gil Chesterton.
Oh, God. They're trying to make me look bad!
Oh, jeez, this high temperature of yours is making you zooey.
No. No. It's made me clear-headed. Yes.
I've gotta get to the station and reclaim what's rightfully mine.
There'll be no more filling in by anybody.
- Oh, no way, no one, no... - Frasier, you're not going anywhere.
- Who's gonna stop me? - I am.
Oh, how are you, a man with a limp and a cane,
gonna stop a man in the prime of his life?
I wasn't leaning on my cane. Come on, Daphne.
- Boy, he really is sick. - Oh, you wanna talk sick?
1962, World's Fair, the Tilt-A-Whirl was right next to The Little Taste of India.
Well, as you know, I was out sick most of the week,
and I'd like to take this opportunity to express my sincere gratitude
to Gil Chesterton and to my brother Niles,
for doing such a great job of filling in for me.
I really appreciate it, guys.
Well, Roz, now that I'm back to normal and feeling great, who's our first caller?
We have Sonja from Auburn on line three.
Let's just hear what Sonja has to say.
Daphne!
What is it this time?
I had a dream. I had a dream. They are plotting against me!
Now, Dr. Crane, I thought we went over this already.
It's just your fever talking.
That's what you want me to think. You're in league with Niles.
I know about the two of you. Oh, you pretend not to know, but you know.
- I'm gonna take my show back. - But you can barely function!
These prescriptions will take care of that and more.
Now, run to the drugstore posthaste.
Syducane? This will have you high as a kite.
Only until I take a couple of these.
Oh, now, I really don't think you're in any condition to--
Thank you!
But the moment I give a fig about what you think
is the day that England produces a great chef, a world-class wine
and a car that has a decent electrical system.
You know,
being a healthcare provider, I try to be sympathetic towards my patients.
But I have reached the end of my tether, doctor!
You are, by far, the most ungrateful, disagreeable, self-centered, whiny fusspot
I've had the misfortune of dealing with!
I've had patients on their deathbeds who were more considerate
and a damn sight more jolly too!
As far as I'm concerned, you can lay in those sweaty sheets
till you're one giant bedsore.
Are you done?
Yes.
Then scurry to the drugstore and get those filled while I get dressed.
Oh, hello, Frasier. What a surprise to see you here today.
Well, it's no wonder. I've taken some wonder drugs. I feel wonderful.
So I'm gonna go do my show now. So, ta-ta, pie man.
Thank you, Greta. It's always satisfying to know I've changed someone's life.
Oh, look who's just wandered into my booth. It's Frasier.
Hello, Niles. I've come to take the reins of my show.
So you can scoot out of there.
I think this might be a good time to go to a commercial.
This is Dr. Niles Crane. Let's get better.
Are you okay? Your eyes look glassy.
I'm fine. It's just that the drugs I took have some minor slide effects.
Frasier, look at me. Do you see trails when I do this?
Whoa.
Wasn't doing that before.
All right now, you're not going on the air like this. Now stop it.
This is what you're going to do. You're going to bed to get rest.
You're going to get rid of this fever, so you can be as good as new.
Let's get better.
All right?
All right.
Okay. Maybe the two of you could help me find someone to drive me home?
Oh, that's the most sensible thing you've said so far.
Frasier!
Hello, Seattle. I'm back.
This is Dr. Frasier Crane, and I promise I will never leave you again.
So let's take our first caller.
Hello, I'm listening.
Hi, Dr. Crane.
Thanks for taking my call. I'm a little nervous, okay?
- My name is Robert. - And your name is?
My name is Robert.
Oh, I'm sorry. We've already had a Robert on the show today. Goodbye.
Tony? It's Roz. Could you get Security up here?
Captain Kirk's got control of the bridge, and he's gone insane.
Who is this?
I'm Janice.
Well, Janice, what's your problem?
I'm having a problem breaking through a barrier with my in-laws.
Boring!
Hello, you're on the Crane with Frasier Air.
Hi, Dr. Crane. This is Marjorie.
You see, I'm having a problem with my boss.
He doesn't seem to respect me, and I don't have the courage to confront him.
Okay. Okay, Marjorie. Well, let's see. Let's do a little role-playing. Okay?
Now look, I'll be your boss. You be yourself. You be Marjorie.
Come on in and talk to me in a very forceful way
and tell me what you think, and you might be surprised at what happens.
Well, okay.
Listen, Mr. Ross, I've worked for this company for six years,
and I've never missed a day.
But you've constantly promoted people less qualified than I am,
and I don't think that's fair.
Well, Marjorie, I must say I admire your forthrightness,
and I wish more of my employees came and spoke to me with an open mind.
- You're gonna get that promotion. - Hey, that was great!
Yeah, wasn't it? Wasn't it? It's my turn. My turn.
Okay, I'm Marjorie. You're the boss now. Come on! Come on!
Frasier, these nice men are going to take you home.
I'm doing my show. I can't. I'm on the air.
No. We cut you off. You're on commercial.
Don't worry your mucus-filled head about anything. Everything's under control.
My show! It's my booth! Hey, this is fun! Hey, go faster.
Five seconds, Niles.
Hello! This is Dr. Niles Crane again.
And no, we haven't taken leave of our senses.
That inspired lunacy you heard before the commercial
was just a little docudrama Frasier and I put together
on the dangers of over medication.
Bravo, Frasier, for so brilliantly demonstrating why they call it dope.
Daphne! Daphne!
- What? - I had another dream.
I dreamt I went down to the station all doped up
and tried to take over and made a fool out of myself,
and they dragged me out of there like some lunatic in a butterfly net.
Oh, now, now, that was just a dream.
You go back to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning.
Hold it.
Could I have a little lemonade with fresh lemons and a sprig of mint?
Anything you want.
- Why'd you tell him it was a dream? - No fun telling him the truth now.
I'll wait until tomorrow morning when he's good and lucid.
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
♪ Oh, my ♪
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused ♪
♪ Yeah, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha, ha ♪
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪
♪ They're callin' again ♪
♪ Scrambled eggs all over my face ♪
♪ What is a boy to do? ♪
♪ Frasier has left the building ♪