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00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:04,046
[theme music playing]
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00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,929
- Here you go, doc, your usual.
- My usual.
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00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:13,597
How lovely it is to have a usual.
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00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,851
What is this?
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00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,728
Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon.
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No, no, that's my brother's usual.
I am the double Kona with cream.
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Oh, Frasier, am I glad to see you.
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- Your usual, doc?
- Please.
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00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:34,201
Thank you.
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00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:38,664
Niles, you seem more
than usually agitated today.
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Problem?
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I'm meeting my publisher here
in 15 minutes.
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Remember the book deal
I signed last month?
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- The one you were so jealous of?
- I wasn't jealous, Niles.
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You just wanted me to be jealous.
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Well, it's all moot anyway.
The deal's about to be killed.
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Turned out the idea I sold them
had already been done,
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and they gave me till today to come up
with an alternative, and I've got bubkes.
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I've got less than bubkes.
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I've got what bubkes keeps for lint
in the bottom of his pocket.
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- Can't you just ask for an extension?
- No, no, I've had two already.
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Oh, God, there he is.
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- Sam! So good to see you.
- Niles.
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Yes.
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Sam Tanaka, my brother,
Dr. Frasier Crane.
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- It's a pleasure.
- Nice to meet you.
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- Sam, would you like a coffee?
- Oh, I'll have what he's having.
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So you shall.
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[Frasier] One more, please.
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Wait a second. You're the doctor
from the radio, aren't you?
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Guilty as charged.
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- I listen to your show all the time.
- Oh, thank you.
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Funny, I never put it together
that the two of you were brothers.
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All our lives.
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You two must have incredible insight
into sibling relationships.
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No more than your average
psychiatrist brothers.
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[laughs in high-pitched voice]
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So, Niles, what's your idea?
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[chuckles, whimpers]
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My idea. Well, Sam, you know,
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I've given it a lot of thought,
and it's not easy--
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You know, you'd almost think
there is a book in that.
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Ah. In what?
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Two psychiatrist brothers
writing about sibling relationships.
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That, Sam, is why you are
the most respected publisher
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in the greater Seattle area.
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That is the idea
we were going to pitch to you.
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- What?
- Terrific.
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- Well, I hate to interrupt--
- Excuse me.
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Gentlemen, I'm going
to cancel my lunch date
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so I can take you two out to celebrate.
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Oh, well, we were
going to write today, but okay.
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What the hell are you doing?
I don't want to write a book.
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For God's sakes, I'm out of here.
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Frasier, look, I know it's asking
a big favor, and I know you're busy.
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I just want you to know that all my life,
I've dreamed of one thing:
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the day I could go into a library
and go to the card catalog
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and see my name under "mental illness."
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The day I could finally feel
what you feel.
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That I'm somebody,
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not just one more
dusty little psychiatrist
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in a gray pinstripe suit.
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- Oh, Niles, I...
- Oh, come on.
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We haven't collaborated
on anything together
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since we wrote the spring musicale
in prep school.
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Yes, well, it was well received.
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It did get us out of gym class, but...
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- It could be like that again.
- I don't know, Niles.
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[scatting upbeat tune]
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[both] ♪ For some boys go to college
But we think they're all wussies ♪
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♪ 'Cause they get all the knowledge
And we get all the ♪
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[scatting]
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- All right, I'll do it.
- Yes!
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[doorbell rings]
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- [footsteps approach]
- [door opens]
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- Dieu, mon Frère.
- Dieu, mon Frère.
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Hey. Hello, Niles.
What are you doing over here?
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Dad, I told you,
it's our first writing session tonight.
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But I thought you were doing it
over at Niles' house.
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We were supposed to.
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Unfortunately, it's Maris' turn
to host her sherry-tasting group,
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and things tend to get
a little raucous when she does.
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- But the Sonics are on in 20 minutes.
- Dad, I've solved that problem.
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I bought you these headphones.
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Now, here,
you'll be able to listen to the TV
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without disturbing Niles and me
while we work.
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What about Eddie? How's he gonna hear?
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He can read about the game
in tomorrow's paper.
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Try them out there.
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[shouting] Hey, not bad!
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Yes, very clever solution.
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Yes, it also has another little feature
that I like a lot.
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Watch this. [clears throat]
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Hey, Dad, nice shirt.
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What, did they throw that in
the last time you had your tires rotated?
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Hey, Dad, tell us about the time
you met Dwight Eisenhower.
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We haven't heard that story this hour.
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- Okay, okay, all right, my turn, my turn.
- Okay.
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Hey, Dad, remember that--?
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Say another word
and I'll club you both with my cane.
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- Hey, this is great. Thanks a lot.
- [Frasier] You bet, Dad.
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Watch out for this for me, Eddie.
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Well, I gotta get myself a little snack.
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- Who wants a beer?
- Just you.
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All right now, Niles,
this is no time to procrastinate.
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Okay, here we go.
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Chapter one, page one, paragraph one.
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[keyboard clicking]
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I'm indenting.
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I hate to squash your enthusiasm,
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but don't you think
before we start actually typing the book,
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we should discuss
what the book is going to be about?
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Forgive me for just barreling ahead,
but damn it, I'm jazzed.
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All right. [clears throat]
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You know, we have to approach this book
from a completely different angle
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than all of our previous writings,
our dissertations, our theses.
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00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:45,345
Oh, that's right.
Yes, this has to be interesting.
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Well, the obvious approach
is case histories.
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We'll fill the book with anecdotes
about brothers and sisters
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we've dealt with
over the years in our practice.
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Yes, yes, yes. Then if we throw in
a few references to heaving bosoms,
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we're bound to make
Book-of-the-Month Club.
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Boy, I could tell you a couple of stories
about you guys you could throw in there.
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That's an interesting idea.
We could use ourselves.
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It would make a delicious introduction
to our book.
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I like the introduction idea.
Dad, okay, give us your best story.
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The one you feel depicts
little Niles and little Frasier
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at their conflicted best.
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Oh, that'd have to be when we went trout
fishing up at that Lake What's-Its-Name.
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- Boy, you guys were at it tooth and nail.
- Oh, this is good. This is good.
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[Martin] What was the name
of that lake again?
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Dad, the name of the lake is immaterial.
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- What happened between us?
- It was an Indian word.
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Lake Watchahatchee?
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Dad, you're missing the point.
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Oh, your mother would know.
It's too bad she's dead. Uh...
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Watchakootchie...
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- Cochawatchee...
- It really doesn't matter.
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- It doesn't matter.
- It was an Indian word.
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- It meant "Land of a Thousand--" No.
- Dad.
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This is driving me nuts.
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I'm gonna have to go in there
and look it up.
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- We just want the story.
- [Martin] It's all right.
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Where the hell did I put my atlas?
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Quite a resource, isn't he?
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All right, we'll just put
the introduction on hold.
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Okay, back to case histories.
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Well, I suppose I could go and get
my files out of storage after the re--
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Niles, is there a lightbulb over my head?
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You have an idea?
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00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:16,519
No, I'm asking you if there's
actually a lightbulb over my head.
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Of course I have an idea.
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It's my radio show.
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What better source
of case histories can there be?
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I'll simply ask my listeners to call in
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with their personal stories
of sibling conflict,
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and you could be my guest on the show.
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So, what you're suggesting is
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that we exploit your listeners' lives
for our personal gain?
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In essence, yes.
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What do you think?
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I think it's borderline sleazy.
Let's go for it.
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[paper rustling]
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- Hello, Roz.
- Hey, Frasier.
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What's your brother doing here?
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- He's gonna be my guest on the show today.
- Oh, no, I don't think so.
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I am the producer,
and I approve all the guests.
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This wasn't run by me,
and I do not approve him.
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- Okay, Roz, bye-bye. Have a good show.
- [Roz] Okay, he's approved.
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00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,029
But I will not get him coffee,
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I won't run his personal errands,
and I'm not taking any of his crapola.
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Hey, Niles, welcome aboard.
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- Five seconds to air.
- Okay, Niles.
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Just sit down, take a deep breath,
try not to spit on the mic.
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All right.
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Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
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I have a very special guest
with me today, my brother,
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the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Niles Crane.
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[in upbeat voice] Hello, Emerald City.
What's doing? What's happening?
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What do you think you're doing?
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[in normal voice]
That was my radio persona.
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- Every great radio personality has one.
- I don't.
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My point exactly.
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Just try to be yourself, will you?
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Our topic today is siblings.
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What makes you love them?
What makes you hate them?
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- What--?
- What little things do they do
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that especially annoy you?
189
00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,668
These could be things from your childhood,
or they could be things
190
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:06,046
from your adolescence,
or they could be things
191
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,048
from your young adulthood,
or they could be--
192
00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,341
They could be things
that are going on right now.
193
00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,679
Roz, who's our first caller?
194
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,140
We have Donald from Bainbridge Island.
195
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,559
He hasn't spoken to his brother
in over 20 years.
196
00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:23,396
- Hello, Donald. I--
- I'm listening.
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00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,526
We're listening.
198
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,989
[woman over phone]
I'll never forget it, Dr. Crane.
199
00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,366
I cried for two hours straight.
200
00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,368
So you were completely bald?
201
00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:40,455
Yes, the perm destroyed my hair.
202
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:45,126
I was sure my sisters were gonna laugh
at me, but they all kissed me
203
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:48,588
and then they marched into the bathroom
and shaved their heads too,
204
00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,757
just so I wouldn't feel like a freak.
205
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,426
- [mouths] Wow.
- [Frasier] Amazing.
206
00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,261
Well, there you have it, Seattle.
207
00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,264
The miracle
of the sibling relationship spelled out
208
00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:01,142
in an unselfish act
of head shaving.
209
00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,104
Well, that's all the time we have.
210
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,523
I'd like to thank my brother,
Dr. Niles Crane,
211
00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,066
for being here today, and...
212
00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:11,319
Niles... I would shave my head for you.
213
00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,864
A gesture which becomes less significant
with each passing year.
214
00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,413
This is Dr. Frasier Crane.
215
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:27,043
I'll be back tomorrow,
one Crane flying solo.
216
00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,257
Frasier, we have hit the mother lode.
217
00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,676
We have enough material here
for two volumes.
218
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,178
I must apologize
for ever criticizing your radio program.
219
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,472
Oh, it's all water under the Pont Neuf.
220
00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:44,144
I hate to break up the stroke-a-thon,
but there's a Sam Tanaka on line one.
221
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,103
[both] Oh, oh, oh.
222
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,772
Hello, Sam, you're on speakerphone.
223
00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:50,066
[Sam] I caught the show today, fellas.
224
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,193
You did? And...?
225
00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,528
Magic!
226
00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:54,863
[Sam laughs]
227
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,782
- How's the writing coming?
- Oh, incredible.
228
00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,242
It's just flowing like water.
229
00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:01,494
We've got, what,
two or three chapters already.
230
00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:06,249
That's good to hear, because I just got
off the phone with Reader's Digest.
231
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:09,711
They're interested
in the serialization rights.
232
00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:13,089
I need first few chapters
to give them a taste.
233
00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:14,799
Can you fax them right over?
234
00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:18,887
Well, Sam, uh, well, you know,
of course we could, but you know,
235
00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,389
- they're a little rough, Sam.
- No problem.
236
00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,850
You've got till Friday to polish them up.
237
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,226
You can do that, right?
238
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,270
- Absolutely.
- Friday's fine.
239
00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:30,940
Terrific. I love you guys.
240
00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,108
[dial tone hums]
241
00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:33,318
My God, what are we gonna do?
242
00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:35,320
Well, now, let's remember,
we have all this material.
243
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:36,988
It's just a matter of putting it together.
244
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,072
It's due on Friday.
245
00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:40,825
Well, then we'll buckle down and do it
by Friday!
246
00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,619
Wait, I just remembered something.
247
00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:44,120
A story about George and Ira Gershwin.
248
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,873
When they had to meet a deadline,
they'd lock themselves into a hotel room,
249
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,959
free from distractions, and not come out
until their task was complete.
250
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:50,960
Brilliant.
251
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,921
If we get hot,
we'll not only finish this volume,
252
00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:55,298
we can write another chorus
to "Bess, You Is My Woman Now."
253
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,346
[Niles] It's clean, it's spartan,
254
00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,806
mass-produced art
totally devoid of charm.
255
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,600
It's perfect. Let's get to work.
256
00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,560
I'm with you, mon Frère.
257
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:12,523
We cannot be intimidated
by the tyranny of the blank page.
258
00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:15,526
All we need to get a good start here
259
00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,987
is room service.
260
00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:18,863
Frasier.
261
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,202
Right, right.
All we need is a good opening sentence.
262
00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,328
[keyboard clicking]
263
00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:28,957
Something that will smack the reader
between the eyes and then take him
264
00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:33,419
on a virtual roller coaster ride
of self-awareness and discovery.
265
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,922
While you're over there
mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart,
266
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,131
I've had a breakthrough.
267
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,178
Voilà, our opening sentence.
268
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,807
"From Romulus and Remus
to the Lennon Sisters,
269
00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:49,811
sibling relationships
have sparked psychological debate
270
00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:50,979
throughout the world."
271
00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,147
Hmm. Interesting.
272
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,525
- You like it?
- Well, I said it was interesting.
273
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,194
The task ahead of us now is to decide
274
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,780
whether we'd like an interesting opening
or a good one.
275
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:05,493
Oh. You're just negative
because you didn't think of it first.
276
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,078
No, in truth, I'm not.
277
00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:09,580
I never cared for Romulus,
never cared for Remus, and the reference
278
00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:12,000
to the Lennon Sisters
is from the frigging moon.
279
00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:15,253
Well, if you can do better,
please be my guest.
280
00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:16,671
- Well, I will.
- All right.
281
00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,844
My fingers are poised over the keys.
282
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,645
I'm waiting.
283
00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:42,739
I'm still waiting.
284
00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:45,783
Oh, all right, all right.
285
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,118
Put this down.
286
00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:53,458
"The key to a good sibling relationship
is the ability to be open and honest."
287
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,002
That actually sounded good to me.
288
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,295
Well, put that in there.
289
00:13:57,295 --> 00:14:01,758
"The key to a good sibling relationship
is the ability to be open and honest
290
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:06,429
while still respecting
each other's boundaries."
291
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:08,806
What are you doing?
292
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,684
What was that crap about boundaries?
293
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,354
I was just finishing the thought.
294
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,981
The thought was finished.
It didn't need finishing, for God's sakes.
295
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:20,526
- Now it's a run-on sentence.
- I think it's much better this way.
296
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,236
- I don't.
- I'm at the keyboard.
297
00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:24,530
- All right, then let me type.
- I can only write at a keyboard.
298
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,824
You haven't written a thing
except to ruin a good sentence.
299
00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,951
I was merely finishing it.
It was an incomplete thought.
300
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,703
Oh, you're an incomplete thought!
301
00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,916
- What happened to the iced tea?
- I finished that too.
302
00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:49,764
[sighs]
303
00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:54,018
Niles, I've just had an epiphany.
304
00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,438
Oh, wonderful.
We could use a second sentence.
305
00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:01,776
No, it's not for the book.
306
00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:08,282
I just realized why so many writers
become bloated, alcoholic suicides.
307
00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,952
No, don't type that in.
308
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:15,164
I'm not. I'm adding up our tab
from the mini-bar.
309
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:21,337
We now owe $232.
310
00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,463
Oh, dear God.
311
00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:25,800
Well, you're the fool who ate
the damned jar of macadamia nuts.
312
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,803
No, no, it's dawn.
313
00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,304
It's Friday.
314
00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:32,807
Oh, Niles, why don't we just admit it?
315
00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:35,184
We can't work together.
There's never gonna be any book.
316
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,728
- Oh, not with that attitude, there isn't.
- Oh, will you get off it?
317
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,814
Come on, the fat lady has sung.
318
00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:41,274
The curtain has been rung down.
319
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,651
Here, I'll type it
for you in capital letters.
320
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,196
It's "oover"?
321
00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:51,367
Let's just go home.
322
00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:55,538
Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised
you'd give up so easily.
323
00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,081
It's not your dream, after all.
324
00:15:57,081 --> 00:16:00,293
Why should it be, Mr. Big-Shot-Radio-Host?
325
00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:05,381
Oh, is that what
this little tantrum is all about?
326
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,550
You're jealous of my celebrity?
327
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,677
It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous.
328
00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:10,887
I'm just fed up!
329
00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,143
I'm fed up with being second all the time.
330
00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:20,521
You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist
like Mom way before you did.
331
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,773
But because you were older,
you got there first.
332
00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,192
You were first to get married.
333
00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:26,652
You were first to give Dad
the grandchild he always wanted.
334
00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,446
By the time I get around
to doing anything,
335
00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,323
it's all chewed meat.
336
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,034
Listen, you're crying about something
that we can't change.
337
00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:34,869
You wouldn't change it if you could.
You love it.
338
00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:37,079
- Oh, let it go, Niles.
- I can't let it go.
339
00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,789
My nose is rubbed in it every day.
340
00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:41,167
I'm the one on the board
of the Psychiatric Association.
341
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,753
My research is well respected
in academic circles.
342
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:46,088
Four of my patients
have been elected to political office.
343
00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,925
But it's your big fat face
they put on the side of buses!
344
00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,220
I do not have a fat face!
345
00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:56,140
Oh, please, I keep wondering how long
you're gonna store those nuts for winter.
346
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:01,687
Well, at least I'm not spindly.
347
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,815
- Who are you calling spindly, fat-face?
- You, spindly.
348
00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:05,816
- Fat-face!
- Spindly!
349
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:06,817
- Fat-face!
- Spindly!
350
00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:08,152
- Fat-face!
- You take that back!
351
00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,570
- You make me!
- I will make you.
352
00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,864
- I don't see you making me.
- Yeah? Well, here's making you.
353
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:12,698
Ow!
354
00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:21,123
Here's your fat face. Give me that.
355
00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:24,502
Oh. Ha!
356
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:27,338
- Niles! Niles!
- What?
357
00:17:27,338 --> 00:17:30,591
Stop it!
We're psychiatrists, not pugilists.
358
00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:34,887
- I can't believe you fell for that.
- Oh!
359
00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:41,310
[yells]
360
00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:45,815
Oh! My God, my God,
I'm having a flashback!
361
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,609
You're climbing in my crib
and jumping on me!
362
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:51,320
- You stole my mommy!
- What?
363
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:54,824
Oh, my God.
364
00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:57,910
Oh, my God, Niles,
I gotta get out of here.
365
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:01,080
This entire idea
has been a fiasco from the start.
366
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,041
It's the stupidest idea we ever had.
I should have never agreed with it.
367
00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:04,959
Goodbye!
368
00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,300
- Good morning, all.
- Morning.
369
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,051
You seem chipper this morning,
Dr. Crane.
370
00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,595
And why shouldn't I be?
371
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,722
Well, it's gonna rain again,
the jobless rate's up,
372
00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:20,558
and about two minutes ago,
Eddie was licking that muffin.
373
00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:25,771
[doorbell rings]
374
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:27,648
Oh, I'll get it.
375
00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,317
Dad, the mark of a mature man
376
00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:32,236
is one that realizes
he cannot control his circumstances.
377
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,238
He can only control his response.
378
00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:36,407
You talking to your brother yet?
379
00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:38,701
I do not have a brother.
I am an only child.
380
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,704
[Daphne] Oh, hello, Dr. Crane.
381
00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,372
Hello, Daphne. Dad.
382
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,293
What are you doing here?
383
00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:52,673
Dad, I would like you
to convey a message from me to Frasier.
384
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,135
What makes you think I know where he is?
385
00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:04,769
Tell him he owes me
half of this hotel bill.
386
00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,812
I will accept cash but no personal checks.
387
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,898
I know he has trouble writing things.
388
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,694
I'm not paying any of this.
389
00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:16,697
Ah, so you're cheap
as well as intellectually barren.
390
00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,784
- And you're a no-talent hack!
- And you look stupid in a T-shirt!
391
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:24,955
All right, that's enough.
Sit down and listen to me.
392
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:25,915
Sit down.
393
00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:29,627
Sit down.
394
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:37,218
I never had a brother, but I had a partner
once, my first, Mitch Gossett.
395
00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:40,304
Big bear of a guy,
arms like tree trunks.
396
00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:43,140
Mitch and I'd go to ball games together,
397
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,935
we played cards, and this was
after working eight hours together.
398
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:48,604
- Dad, that's all very nice, but I--
- [Martin] Just listen to me.
399
00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:55,277
About three months into our partnership,
Goss and I got assigned to a stakeout.
400
00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,739
Three days in the front seat
of a Chevy Nova together,
401
00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:00,866
sleeping sitting up,
402
00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,451
drinking too much coffee.
403
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:06,831
Didn't take long before
we started getting on each other's nerves.
404
00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:09,041
Because he was
a big egotistical fat-face?
405
00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:13,879
Because we were human.
406
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,675
He didn't like this about me,
I didn't like that about him.
407
00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:18,926
It got ugly.
408
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:22,555
When the stakeout was over,
Goss requested a transfer.
409
00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:23,889
And that was fine by me.
410
00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:29,395
Three months later,
he was stabbed breaking up a bar fight.
411
00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:33,190
By the time I got to the hospital,
it was too late.
412
00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,445
Take what you want from this story, boys.
413
00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:42,408
All I know is... it ain't worth it.
414
00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,286
Excuse me, I think I need a hanky.
415
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:50,207
Frasier, isn't there something
you want to say to your brother?
416
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,419
Yes, Dad, I suppose there is.
417
00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,007
Niles, would you like a muffin?
418
00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:06,140
Frasier.
419
00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:07,224
Oh, all right.
420
00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:12,980
Niles...
421
00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,443
I'm sorry things didn't work out
with the book.
422
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,030
You have no reason to feel inferior to me.
423
00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:23,866
You're an accomplished psychiatrist,
424
00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:27,620
a decent man,
and you stand second to no one.
425
00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:30,915
Thank you, Frasier.
426
00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:37,922
The truth is, I've always looked up
to you and admired you.
427
00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,341
All right,
enough of this mushy girlie stuff.
428
00:21:40,341 --> 00:21:44,011
Just shake hands, punch each other
on the shoulder, and be done with it.
429
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,265
Oh, what the heck.
430
00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,643
Oh, jeez.
431
00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:56,857
[sobbing softly]
432
00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,859
- What are you crying about?
- Oh...
433
00:21:58,859 --> 00:22:01,403
I just keep thinking about poor Goss.
434
00:22:01,403 --> 00:22:04,865
It must be so hard on you,
carrying all that pain around.
435
00:22:04,865 --> 00:22:07,159
There was no Goss. I just made him up.
436
00:22:08,494 --> 00:22:11,539
Well, at least there's one good writer
in this family.
437
00:22:12,414 --> 00:22:13,415
[yelps]
438
00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:18,128
[theme music playing]
439
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:22,925
♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin'
Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪
440
00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:25,135
Mercy.
441
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:30,182
♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused
Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪
442
00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,268
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
443
00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:33,936
♪ But I don't know what to do ♪
444
00:22:33,936 --> 00:22:37,565
♪ With those tossed salads
And scrambled eggs ♪
445
00:22:38,232 --> 00:22:40,776
♪ They're callin' again ♪
446
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:41,777
Good night, everybody!