1 00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:04,046 [theme music playing] 2 00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,929 - Here you go, doc, your usual. - My usual. 3 00:00:11,929 --> 00:00:13,597 How lovely it is to have a usual. 4 00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,851 What is this? 5 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,728 Latte with nutmeg and cinnamon. 6 00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:23,273 No, no, that's my brother's usual. I am the double Kona with cream. 7 00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:27,361 Oh, Frasier, am I glad to see you. 8 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:28,904 - Your usual, doc? - Please. 9 00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:34,201 Thank you. 10 00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:38,664 Niles, you seem more than usually agitated today. 11 00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:39,623 Problem? 12 00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:41,917 I'm meeting my publisher here in 15 minutes. 13 00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:43,544 Remember the book deal I signed last month? 14 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,796 - The one you were so jealous of? - I wasn't jealous, Niles. 15 00:00:45,796 --> 00:00:47,214 You just wanted me to be jealous. 16 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:50,175 Well, it's all moot anyway. The deal's about to be killed. 17 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:52,928 Turned out the idea I sold them had already been done, 18 00:00:52,928 --> 00:00:56,390 and they gave me till today to come up with an alternative, and I've got bubkes. 19 00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,975 I've got less than bubkes. 20 00:00:57,975 --> 00:01:01,144 I've got what bubkes keeps for lint in the bottom of his pocket. 21 00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:06,024 - Can't you just ask for an extension? - No, no, I've had two already. 22 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:07,859 Oh, God, there he is. 23 00:01:07,859 --> 00:01:10,654 - Sam! So good to see you. - Niles. 24 00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:11,572 Yes. 25 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,407 Sam Tanaka, my brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. 26 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,701 - It's a pleasure. - Nice to meet you. 27 00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:18,245 - Sam, would you like a coffee? - Oh, I'll have what he's having. 28 00:01:18,245 --> 00:01:19,162 So you shall. 29 00:01:21,665 --> 00:01:23,208 [Frasier] One more, please. 30 00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:26,878 Wait a second. You're the doctor from the radio, aren't you? 31 00:01:26,878 --> 00:01:28,255 Guilty as charged. 32 00:01:28,255 --> 00:01:31,049 - I listen to your show all the time. - Oh, thank you. 33 00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:34,303 Funny, I never put it together that the two of you were brothers. 34 00:01:34,303 --> 00:01:35,304 All our lives. 35 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:42,436 You two must have incredible insight into sibling relationships. 36 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,605 No more than your average psychiatrist brothers. 37 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:46,523 [laughs in high-pitched voice] 38 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:49,067 So, Niles, what's your idea? 39 00:01:49,067 --> 00:01:50,360 [chuckles, whimpers] 40 00:01:51,528 --> 00:01:53,113 My idea. Well, Sam, you know, 41 00:01:53,113 --> 00:01:55,198 I've given it a lot of thought, and it's not easy-- 42 00:01:55,198 --> 00:01:57,367 You know, you'd almost think there is a book in that. 43 00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:59,036 Ah. In what? 44 00:01:59,036 --> 00:02:03,665 Two psychiatrist brothers writing about sibling relationships. 45 00:02:03,665 --> 00:02:06,126 That, Sam, is why you are the most respected publisher 46 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,252 in the greater Seattle area. 47 00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:09,046 That is the idea we were going to pitch to you. 48 00:02:09,046 --> 00:02:10,964 - What? - Terrific. 49 00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,133 - Well, I hate to interrupt-- - Excuse me. 50 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:16,511 Gentlemen, I'm going to cancel my lunch date 51 00:02:16,511 --> 00:02:19,389 so I can take you two out to celebrate. 52 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:21,975 Oh, well, we were going to write today, but okay. 53 00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:25,937 What the hell are you doing? I don't want to write a book. 54 00:02:25,937 --> 00:02:27,272 For God's sakes, I'm out of here. 55 00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:31,902 Frasier, look, I know it's asking a big favor, and I know you're busy. 56 00:02:31,902 --> 00:02:35,113 I just want you to know that all my life, I've dreamed of one thing: 57 00:02:35,113 --> 00:02:37,949 the day I could go into a library and go to the card catalog 58 00:02:37,949 --> 00:02:40,077 and see my name under "mental illness." 59 00:02:46,083 --> 00:02:48,669 The day I could finally feel what you feel. 60 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:49,920 That I'm somebody, 61 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,172 not just one more dusty little psychiatrist 62 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:53,965 in a gray pinstripe suit. 63 00:02:53,965 --> 00:02:55,967 - Oh, Niles, I... - Oh, come on. 64 00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:57,594 We haven't collaborated on anything together 65 00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,763 since we wrote the spring musicale in prep school. 66 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:02,015 Yes, well, it was well received. 67 00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:05,727 It did get us out of gym class, but... 68 00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:10,399 - It could be like that again. - I don't know, Niles. 69 00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:12,651 [scatting upbeat tune] 70 00:03:15,987 --> 00:03:19,700 [both] ♪ For some boys go to college But we think they're all wussies ♪ 71 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,953 ♪ 'Cause they get all the knowledge And we get all the ♪ 72 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:25,580 [scatting] 73 00:03:25,580 --> 00:03:27,249 - All right, I'll do it. - Yes! 74 00:03:31,670 --> 00:03:33,130 [doorbell rings] 75 00:03:33,130 --> 00:03:35,424 - [footsteps approach] - [door opens] 76 00:03:35,424 --> 00:03:37,342 - Dieu, mon Frère. - Dieu, mon Frère. 77 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:40,554 Hey. Hello, Niles. What are you doing over here? 78 00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:43,098 Dad, I told you, it's our first writing session tonight. 79 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,225 But I thought you were doing it over at Niles' house. 80 00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:46,309 We were supposed to. 81 00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:49,020 Unfortunately, it's Maris' turn to host her sherry-tasting group, 82 00:03:49,020 --> 00:03:52,107 and things tend to get a little raucous when she does. 83 00:03:52,107 --> 00:03:55,193 - But the Sonics are on in 20 minutes. - Dad, I've solved that problem. 84 00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:56,528 I bought you these headphones. 85 00:03:56,528 --> 00:03:58,905 Now, here, you'll be able to listen to the TV 86 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:00,866 without disturbing Niles and me while we work. 87 00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:03,034 What about Eddie? How's he gonna hear? 88 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:08,582 He can read about the game in tomorrow's paper. 89 00:04:10,792 --> 00:04:12,002 Try them out there. 90 00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,673 [shouting] Hey, not bad! 91 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:20,510 Yes, very clever solution. 92 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,888 Yes, it also has another little feature that I like a lot. 93 00:04:22,888 --> 00:04:24,639 Watch this. [clears throat] 94 00:04:24,639 --> 00:04:26,892 Hey, Dad, nice shirt. 95 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,646 What, did they throw that in the last time you had your tires rotated? 96 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,861 Hey, Dad, tell us about the time you met Dwight Eisenhower. 97 00:04:37,861 --> 00:04:39,821 We haven't heard that story this hour. 98 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:45,118 - Okay, okay, all right, my turn, my turn. - Okay. 99 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,369 Hey, Dad, remember that--? 100 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:49,080 Say another word and I'll club you both with my cane. 101 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,880 - Hey, this is great. Thanks a lot. - [Frasier] You bet, Dad. 102 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,715 Watch out for this for me, Eddie. 103 00:04:59,424 --> 00:05:01,092 Well, I gotta get myself a little snack. 104 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,303 - Who wants a beer? - Just you. 105 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:08,225 All right now, Niles, this is no time to procrastinate. 106 00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:09,726 Okay, here we go. 107 00:05:10,519 --> 00:05:14,731 Chapter one, page one, paragraph one. 108 00:05:14,731 --> 00:05:15,816 [keyboard clicking] 109 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:17,025 I'm indenting. 110 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:22,989 I hate to squash your enthusiasm, 111 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:26,117 but don't you think before we start actually typing the book, 112 00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:28,537 we should discuss what the book is going to be about? 113 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:32,958 Forgive me for just barreling ahead, but damn it, I'm jazzed. 114 00:05:32,958 --> 00:05:34,417 All right. [clears throat] 115 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:40,257 You know, we have to approach this book from a completely different angle 116 00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:43,134 than all of our previous writings, our dissertations, our theses. 117 00:05:43,134 --> 00:05:45,345 Oh, that's right. Yes, this has to be interesting. 118 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:50,392 Well, the obvious approach is case histories. 119 00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:53,061 We'll fill the book with anecdotes about brothers and sisters 120 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,896 we've dealt with over the years in our practice. 121 00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:57,899 Yes, yes, yes. Then if we throw in a few references to heaving bosoms, 122 00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,734 we're bound to make Book-of-the-Month Club. 123 00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:04,114 Boy, I could tell you a couple of stories about you guys you could throw in there. 124 00:06:05,532 --> 00:06:08,285 That's an interesting idea. We could use ourselves. 125 00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:10,203 It would make a delicious introduction to our book. 126 00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:13,748 I like the introduction idea. Dad, okay, give us your best story. 127 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:17,294 The one you feel depicts little Niles and little Frasier 128 00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:18,712 at their conflicted best. 129 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:22,340 Oh, that'd have to be when we went trout fishing up at that Lake What's-Its-Name. 130 00:06:22,340 --> 00:06:25,510 - Boy, you guys were at it tooth and nail. - Oh, this is good. This is good. 131 00:06:25,510 --> 00:06:27,262 [Martin] What was the name of that lake again? 132 00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:29,139 Dad, the name of the lake is immaterial. 133 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,974 - What happened between us? - It was an Indian word. 134 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:32,642 Lake Watchahatchee? 135 00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,227 Dad, you're missing the point. 136 00:06:34,227 --> 00:06:37,355 Oh, your mother would know. It's too bad she's dead. Uh... 137 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,066 Watchakootchie... 138 00:06:40,066 --> 00:06:41,776 - Cochawatchee... - It really doesn't matter. 139 00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:43,486 - It doesn't matter. - It was an Indian word. 140 00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,780 - It meant "Land of a Thousand--" No. - Dad. 141 00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,449 This is driving me nuts. 142 00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,576 I'm gonna have to go in there and look it up. 143 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:52,162 - We just want the story. - [Martin] It's all right. 144 00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:54,247 Where the hell did I put my atlas? 145 00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:56,625 Quite a resource, isn't he? 146 00:06:57,626 --> 00:06:59,544 All right, we'll just put the introduction on hold. 147 00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,087 Okay, back to case histories. 148 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:05,884 Well, I suppose I could go and get my files out of storage after the re-- 149 00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:10,096 Niles, is there a lightbulb over my head? 150 00:07:11,556 --> 00:07:12,974 You have an idea? 151 00:07:12,974 --> 00:07:16,519 No, I'm asking you if there's actually a lightbulb over my head. 152 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,189 Of course I have an idea. 153 00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:20,523 It's my radio show. 154 00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:23,276 What better source of case histories can there be? 155 00:07:23,276 --> 00:07:25,070 I'll simply ask my listeners to call in 156 00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:27,530 with their personal stories of sibling conflict, 157 00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:29,407 and you could be my guest on the show. 158 00:07:29,407 --> 00:07:30,659 So, what you're suggesting is 159 00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:33,662 that we exploit your listeners' lives for our personal gain? 160 00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:35,956 In essence, yes. 161 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,209 What do you think? 162 00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,753 I think it's borderline sleazy. Let's go for it. 163 00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:47,842 [paper rustling] 164 00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,389 - Hello, Roz. - Hey, Frasier. 165 00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:54,057 What's your brother doing here? 166 00:07:54,057 --> 00:07:57,602 - He's gonna be my guest on the show today. - Oh, no, I don't think so. 167 00:07:57,602 --> 00:08:00,438 I am the producer, and I approve all the guests. 168 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,400 This wasn't run by me, and I do not approve him. 169 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,820 - Okay, Roz, bye-bye. Have a good show. - [Roz] Okay, he's approved. 170 00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,029 But I will not get him coffee, 171 00:08:08,029 --> 00:08:11,825 I won't run his personal errands, and I'm not taking any of his crapola. 172 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,326 Hey, Niles, welcome aboard. 173 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,621 - Five seconds to air. - Okay, Niles. 174 00:08:17,163 --> 00:08:19,916 Just sit down, take a deep breath, try not to spit on the mic. 175 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:21,876 All right. 176 00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:25,296 Hello, Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane. 177 00:08:25,296 --> 00:08:28,550 I have a very special guest with me today, my brother, 178 00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:31,219 the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Niles Crane. 179 00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:34,097 [in upbeat voice] Hello, Emerald City. What's doing? What's happening? 180 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,229 What do you think you're doing? 181 00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:43,982 [in normal voice] That was my radio persona. 182 00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:46,401 - Every great radio personality has one. - I don't. 183 00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:47,902 My point exactly. 184 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:51,531 Just try to be yourself, will you? 185 00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:55,285 Our topic today is siblings. 186 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,829 What makes you love them? What makes you hate them? 187 00:08:57,829 --> 00:08:59,664 - What--? - What little things do they do 188 00:08:59,664 --> 00:09:00,790 that especially annoy you? 189 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:03,668 These could be things from your childhood, or they could be things 190 00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:06,046 from your adolescence, or they could be things 191 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,048 from your young adulthood, or they could be-- 192 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:10,341 They could be things that are going on right now. 193 00:09:12,761 --> 00:09:14,679 Roz, who's our first caller? 194 00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,140 We have Donald from Bainbridge Island. 195 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,559 He hasn't spoken to his brother in over 20 years. 196 00:09:20,602 --> 00:09:23,396 - Hello, Donald. I-- - I'm listening. 197 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:28,526 We're listening. 198 00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:32,989 [woman over phone] I'll never forget it, Dr. Crane. 199 00:09:32,989 --> 00:09:35,366 I cried for two hours straight. 200 00:09:35,366 --> 00:09:37,368 So you were completely bald? 201 00:09:37,368 --> 00:09:40,455 Yes, the perm destroyed my hair. 202 00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:45,126 I was sure my sisters were gonna laugh at me, but they all kissed me 203 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:48,588 and then they marched into the bathroom and shaved their heads too, 204 00:09:48,588 --> 00:09:50,757 just so I wouldn't feel like a freak. 205 00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,426 - [mouths] Wow. - [Frasier] Amazing. 206 00:09:53,426 --> 00:09:55,261 Well, there you have it, Seattle. 207 00:09:55,261 --> 00:09:58,264 The miracle of the sibling relationship spelled out 208 00:09:58,264 --> 00:10:01,142 in an unselfish act of head shaving. 209 00:10:02,644 --> 00:10:04,104 Well, that's all the time we have. 210 00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:06,523 I'd like to thank my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, 211 00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:08,066 for being here today, and... 212 00:10:08,066 --> 00:10:11,319 Niles... I would shave my head for you. 213 00:10:12,028 --> 00:10:14,864 A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year. 214 00:10:20,662 --> 00:10:22,413 This is Dr. Frasier Crane. 215 00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:27,043 I'll be back tomorrow, one Crane flying solo. 216 00:10:30,296 --> 00:10:32,257 Frasier, we have hit the mother lode. 217 00:10:32,257 --> 00:10:34,676 We have enough material here for two volumes. 218 00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,178 I must apologize for ever criticizing your radio program. 219 00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:39,472 Oh, it's all water under the Pont Neuf. 220 00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:44,144 I hate to break up the stroke-a-thon, but there's a Sam Tanaka on line one. 221 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,103 [both] Oh, oh, oh. 222 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,772 Hello, Sam, you're on speakerphone. 223 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:50,066 [Sam] I caught the show today, fellas. 224 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:52,193 You did? And...? 225 00:10:52,193 --> 00:10:53,528 Magic! 226 00:10:53,528 --> 00:10:54,863 [Sam laughs] 227 00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,782 - How's the writing coming? - Oh, incredible. 228 00:10:57,782 --> 00:10:59,242 It's just flowing like water. 229 00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:01,494 We've got, what, two or three chapters already. 230 00:11:01,494 --> 00:11:06,249 That's good to hear, because I just got off the phone with Reader's Digest. 231 00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:09,711 They're interested in the serialization rights. 232 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:13,089 I need first few chapters to give them a taste. 233 00:11:13,089 --> 00:11:14,799 Can you fax them right over? 234 00:11:14,799 --> 00:11:18,887 Well, Sam, uh, well, you know, of course we could, but you know, 235 00:11:18,887 --> 00:11:21,389 - they're a little rough, Sam. - No problem. 236 00:11:21,389 --> 00:11:23,850 You've got till Friday to polish them up. 237 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,226 You can do that, right? 238 00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,270 - Absolutely. - Friday's fine. 239 00:11:28,396 --> 00:11:30,940 Terrific. I love you guys. 240 00:11:30,940 --> 00:11:32,108 [dial tone hums] 241 00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:33,318 My God, what are we gonna do? 242 00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:35,320 Well, now, let's remember, we have all this material. 243 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:36,988 It's just a matter of putting it together. 244 00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,072 It's due on Friday. 245 00:11:38,072 --> 00:11:40,825 Well, then we'll buckle down and do it by Friday! 246 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,619 Wait, I just remembered something. 247 00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:44,120 A story about George and Ira Gershwin. 248 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:46,873 When they had to meet a deadline, they'd lock themselves into a hotel room, 249 00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,959 free from distractions, and not come out until their task was complete. 250 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:50,960 Brilliant. 251 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:52,921 If we get hot, we'll not only finish this volume, 252 00:11:52,921 --> 00:11:55,298 we can write another chorus to "Bess, You Is My Woman Now." 253 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,346 [Niles] It's clean, it's spartan, 254 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:03,806 mass-produced art totally devoid of charm. 255 00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:05,600 It's perfect. Let's get to work. 256 00:12:06,226 --> 00:12:07,560 I'm with you, mon Frère. 257 00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:12,523 We cannot be intimidated by the tyranny of the blank page. 258 00:12:12,523 --> 00:12:15,526 All we need to get a good start here 259 00:12:16,152 --> 00:12:17,987 is room service. 260 00:12:17,987 --> 00:12:18,863 Frasier. 261 00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:24,202 Right, right. All we need is a good opening sentence. 262 00:12:24,202 --> 00:12:25,328 [keyboard clicking] 263 00:12:25,328 --> 00:12:28,957 Something that will smack the reader between the eyes and then take him 264 00:12:28,957 --> 00:12:33,419 on a virtual roller coaster ride of self-awareness and discovery. 265 00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,922 While you're over there mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart, 266 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,131 I've had a breakthrough. 267 00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,178 Voilà, our opening sentence. 268 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,807 "From Romulus and Remus to the Lennon Sisters, 269 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:49,811 sibling relationships have sparked psychological debate 270 00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:50,979 throughout the world." 271 00:12:51,479 --> 00:12:53,147 Hmm. Interesting. 272 00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:55,525 - You like it? - Well, I said it was interesting. 273 00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,194 The task ahead of us now is to decide 274 00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,780 whether we'd like an interesting opening or a good one. 275 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:05,493 Oh. You're just negative because you didn't think of it first. 276 00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:07,078 No, in truth, I'm not. 277 00:13:07,078 --> 00:13:09,580 I never cared for Romulus, never cared for Remus, and the reference 278 00:13:09,580 --> 00:13:12,000 to the Lennon Sisters is from the frigging moon. 279 00:13:12,750 --> 00:13:15,253 Well, if you can do better, please be my guest. 280 00:13:15,253 --> 00:13:16,671 - Well, I will. - All right. 281 00:13:20,508 --> 00:13:22,844 My fingers are poised over the keys. 282 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,645 I'm waiting. 283 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:42,739 I'm still waiting. 284 00:13:44,365 --> 00:13:45,783 Oh, all right, all right. 285 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:47,118 Put this down. 286 00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:53,458 "The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest." 287 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,002 That actually sounded good to me. 288 00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:57,295 Well, put that in there. 289 00:13:57,295 --> 00:14:01,758 "The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability to be open and honest 290 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:06,429 while still respecting each other's boundaries." 291 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:08,806 What are you doing? 292 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,684 What was that crap about boundaries? 293 00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,354 I was just finishing the thought. 294 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,981 The thought was finished. It didn't need finishing, for God's sakes. 295 00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:20,526 - Now it's a run-on sentence. - I think it's much better this way. 296 00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:22,236 - I don't. - I'm at the keyboard. 297 00:14:22,236 --> 00:14:24,530 - All right, then let me type. - I can only write at a keyboard. 298 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,824 You haven't written a thing except to ruin a good sentence. 299 00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:28,951 I was merely finishing it. It was an incomplete thought. 300 00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:30,703 Oh, you're an incomplete thought! 301 00:14:32,246 --> 00:14:34,916 - What happened to the iced tea? - I finished that too. 302 00:14:48,596 --> 00:14:49,764 [sighs] 303 00:14:50,973 --> 00:14:54,018 Niles, I've just had an epiphany. 304 00:14:55,103 --> 00:14:57,438 Oh, wonderful. We could use a second sentence. 305 00:14:59,482 --> 00:15:01,776 No, it's not for the book. 306 00:15:02,860 --> 00:15:08,282 I just realized why so many writers become bloated, alcoholic suicides. 307 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,952 No, don't type that in. 308 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:15,164 I'm not. I'm adding up our tab from the mini-bar. 309 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:21,337 We now owe $232. 310 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:22,463 Oh, dear God. 311 00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:25,800 Well, you're the fool who ate the damned jar of macadamia nuts. 312 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,803 No, no, it's dawn. 313 00:15:28,803 --> 00:15:30,304 It's Friday. 314 00:15:30,805 --> 00:15:32,807 Oh, Niles, why don't we just admit it? 315 00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:35,184 We can't work together. There's never gonna be any book. 316 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,728 - Oh, not with that attitude, there isn't. - Oh, will you get off it? 317 00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:39,814 Come on, the fat lady has sung. 318 00:15:39,814 --> 00:15:41,274 The curtain has been rung down. 319 00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:43,651 Here, I'll type it for you in capital letters. 320 00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,196 It's "oover"? 321 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:51,367 Let's just go home. 322 00:15:52,118 --> 00:15:55,538 Well, I guess I shouldn't be surprised you'd give up so easily. 323 00:15:55,538 --> 00:15:57,081 It's not your dream, after all. 324 00:15:57,081 --> 00:16:00,293 Why should it be, Mr. Big-Shot-Radio-Host? 325 00:16:01,752 --> 00:16:05,381 Oh, is that what this little tantrum is all about? 326 00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,550 You're jealous of my celebrity? 327 00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:09,677 It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous. 328 00:16:09,677 --> 00:16:10,887 I'm just fed up! 329 00:16:14,724 --> 00:16:17,143 I'm fed up with being second all the time. 330 00:16:17,685 --> 00:16:20,521 You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did. 331 00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:22,773 But because you were older, you got there first. 332 00:16:22,773 --> 00:16:24,192 You were first to get married. 333 00:16:24,192 --> 00:16:26,652 You were first to give Dad the grandchild he always wanted. 334 00:16:26,652 --> 00:16:28,446 By the time I get around to doing anything, 335 00:16:28,446 --> 00:16:30,323 it's all chewed meat. 336 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,034 Listen, you're crying about something that we can't change. 337 00:16:33,034 --> 00:16:34,869 You wouldn't change it if you could. You love it. 338 00:16:34,869 --> 00:16:37,079 - Oh, let it go, Niles. - I can't let it go. 339 00:16:37,079 --> 00:16:38,789 My nose is rubbed in it every day. 340 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:41,167 I'm the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association. 341 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,753 My research is well respected in academic circles. 342 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:46,088 Four of my patients have been elected to political office. 343 00:16:46,088 --> 00:16:48,925 But it's your big fat face they put on the side of buses! 344 00:16:50,176 --> 00:16:52,220 I do not have a fat face! 345 00:16:52,220 --> 00:16:56,140 Oh, please, I keep wondering how long you're gonna store those nuts for winter. 346 00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:01,687 Well, at least I'm not spindly. 347 00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,815 - Who are you calling spindly, fat-face? - You, spindly. 348 00:17:04,815 --> 00:17:05,816 - Fat-face! - Spindly! 349 00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:06,817 - Fat-face! - Spindly! 350 00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:08,152 - Fat-face! - You take that back! 351 00:17:08,152 --> 00:17:09,570 - You make me! - I will make you. 352 00:17:09,570 --> 00:17:11,864 - I don't see you making me. - Yeah? Well, here's making you. 353 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:12,698 Ow! 354 00:17:19,163 --> 00:17:21,123 Here's your fat face. Give me that. 355 00:17:23,334 --> 00:17:24,502 Oh. Ha! 356 00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:27,338 - Niles! Niles! - What? 357 00:17:27,338 --> 00:17:30,591 Stop it! We're psychiatrists, not pugilists. 358 00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:34,887 - I can't believe you fell for that. - Oh! 359 00:17:40,017 --> 00:17:41,310 [yells] 360 00:17:41,894 --> 00:17:45,815 Oh! My God, my God, I'm having a flashback! 361 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,609 You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me! 362 00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:51,320 - You stole my mommy! - What? 363 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:54,824 Oh, my God. 364 00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:57,910 Oh, my God, Niles, I gotta get out of here. 365 00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:01,080 This entire idea has been a fiasco from the start. 366 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,041 It's the stupidest idea we ever had. I should have never agreed with it. 367 00:18:04,041 --> 00:18:04,959 Goodbye! 368 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:12,300 - Good morning, all. - Morning. 369 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,051 You seem chipper this morning, Dr. Crane. 370 00:18:14,051 --> 00:18:15,595 And why shouldn't I be? 371 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,722 Well, it's gonna rain again, the jobless rate's up, 372 00:18:17,722 --> 00:18:20,558 and about two minutes ago, Eddie was licking that muffin. 373 00:18:24,770 --> 00:18:25,771 [doorbell rings] 374 00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:27,648 Oh, I'll get it. 375 00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:29,317 Dad, the mark of a mature man 376 00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:32,236 is one that realizes he cannot control his circumstances. 377 00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,238 He can only control his response. 378 00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:36,407 You talking to your brother yet? 379 00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:38,701 I do not have a brother. I am an only child. 380 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,704 [Daphne] Oh, hello, Dr. Crane. 381 00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:43,372 Hello, Daphne. Dad. 382 00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,293 What are you doing here? 383 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:52,673 Dad, I would like you to convey a message from me to Frasier. 384 00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,135 What makes you think I know where he is? 385 00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:04,769 Tell him he owes me half of this hotel bill. 386 00:19:04,769 --> 00:19:06,812 I will accept cash but no personal checks. 387 00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,898 I know he has trouble writing things. 388 00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:13,694 I'm not paying any of this. 389 00:19:13,694 --> 00:19:16,697 Ah, so you're cheap as well as intellectually barren. 390 00:19:16,697 --> 00:19:19,784 - And you're a no-talent hack! - And you look stupid in a T-shirt! 391 00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:24,955 All right, that's enough. Sit down and listen to me. 392 00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:25,915 Sit down. 393 00:19:28,751 --> 00:19:29,627 Sit down. 394 00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:37,218 I never had a brother, but I had a partner once, my first, Mitch Gossett. 395 00:19:37,718 --> 00:19:40,304 Big bear of a guy, arms like tree trunks. 396 00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:43,140 Mitch and I'd go to ball games together, 397 00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,935 we played cards, and this was after working eight hours together. 398 00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:48,604 - Dad, that's all very nice, but I-- - [Martin] Just listen to me. 399 00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:55,277 About three months into our partnership, Goss and I got assigned to a stakeout. 400 00:19:56,070 --> 00:19:58,739 Three days in the front seat of a Chevy Nova together, 401 00:19:59,573 --> 00:20:00,866 sleeping sitting up, 402 00:20:00,866 --> 00:20:02,451 drinking too much coffee. 403 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:06,831 Didn't take long before we started getting on each other's nerves. 404 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:09,041 Because he was a big egotistical fat-face? 405 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:13,879 Because we were human. 406 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,675 He didn't like this about me, I didn't like that about him. 407 00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:18,926 It got ugly. 408 00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:22,555 When the stakeout was over, Goss requested a transfer. 409 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:23,889 And that was fine by me. 410 00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:29,395 Three months later, he was stabbed breaking up a bar fight. 411 00:20:30,688 --> 00:20:33,190 By the time I got to the hospital, it was too late. 412 00:20:35,317 --> 00:20:37,445 Take what you want from this story, boys. 413 00:20:38,779 --> 00:20:42,408 All I know is... it ain't worth it. 414 00:20:43,534 --> 00:20:45,286 Excuse me, I think I need a hanky. 415 00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:50,207 Frasier, isn't there something you want to say to your brother? 416 00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,419 Yes, Dad, I suppose there is. 417 00:20:56,380 --> 00:20:58,007 Niles, would you like a muffin? 418 00:21:04,972 --> 00:21:06,140 Frasier. 419 00:21:06,140 --> 00:21:07,224 Oh, all right. 420 00:21:11,937 --> 00:21:12,980 Niles... 421 00:21:14,940 --> 00:21:17,443 I'm sorry things didn't work out with the book. 422 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:21,030 You have no reason to feel inferior to me. 423 00:21:22,072 --> 00:21:23,866 You're an accomplished psychiatrist, 424 00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:27,620 a decent man, and you stand second to no one. 425 00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:30,915 Thank you, Frasier. 426 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:37,922 The truth is, I've always looked up to you and admired you. 427 00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,341 All right, enough of this mushy girlie stuff. 428 00:21:40,341 --> 00:21:44,011 Just shake hands, punch each other on the shoulder, and be done with it. 429 00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,265 Oh, what the heck. 430 00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,643 Oh, jeez. 431 00:21:54,104 --> 00:21:56,857 [sobbing softly] 432 00:21:56,857 --> 00:21:58,859 - What are you crying about? - Oh... 433 00:21:58,859 --> 00:22:01,403 I just keep thinking about poor Goss. 434 00:22:01,403 --> 00:22:04,865 It must be so hard on you, carrying all that pain around. 435 00:22:04,865 --> 00:22:07,159 There was no Goss. I just made him up. 436 00:22:08,494 --> 00:22:11,539 Well, at least there's one good writer in this family. 437 00:22:12,414 --> 00:22:13,415 [yelps] 438 00:22:16,961 --> 00:22:18,128 [theme music playing] 439 00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:22,925 ♪ Hey, baby, I hear the blues a-callin' Tossed salads and scrambled eggs ♪ 440 00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:25,135 Mercy. 441 00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:30,182 ♪ And maybe I seem a bit confused Well, maybe, but I got you pegged ♪ 442 00:22:30,182 --> 00:22:32,268 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 443 00:22:32,268 --> 00:22:33,936 ♪ But I don't know what to do ♪ 444 00:22:33,936 --> 00:22:37,565 ♪ With those tossed salads And scrambled eggs ♪ 445 00:22:38,232 --> 00:22:40,776 ♪ They're callin' again ♪ 446 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:41,777 Good night, everybody!